Carl in Equestria, and He Wants to Die
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” screamed Carl, holding on to his flat screen TV in utter fear as he huddles himself on the ground, his house shaking and quaking as a myriad of colors blasted through his windows. “Oh God! What did I do to deserve this?! If it was the thing with the fake schlong and that puppy, I swear, it was a one time thing! God please!” He cried as his house shook and rattled until finally… Everything stopped.
“Huh? Hm?” Carl was confused as he slowly stood up and looked around his house. Everything was a bit darker yet brighter, and everything in his house didn’t seem to be working. “Okay, that was, ah, a thing. But I weren’t scared! Not me!... Who am I even friggen talkin’ to? Whatever…” Carl grabbed his remote from the ground and set his TV back on the wall as he prepared to continue to watch his game. “Alright! Time to get back to the game, the game… That isn’t turnin’ on. WHY ISN’T IT TURNIN’ ON! I paid the electric bill yesterday when I beat that guy down who got close to my meter.” Carl angrily got up and walks to his couch, pulling his shotgun out from behind the pillows. “That’s it. You mess with my Superbowl, you get the touchdown… IN THE GROUND!” Carl angrily growled as he kicks open his front door and steps outside.
Except, when he steps outside, he could see that his house was beside an old castle, in an old magical forest. He just rushed forward, and began to look around in earnest. “Where’s the power lines?! WHERE ARE THE FRIGGEN POWER LINES! Oh no, Oh no no, this ain’t happenin’. Can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but I need to see Fryman” But when Carl turned around, he could see that the Aqua Teen’s home was also nowhere to be seen. “Ooooooh good, they’re not even there, they possibly don’t even exist, wonderful.” Carl looked at his shotgun and contemplates his demise “It’d be so easy. Ain’t got no power, Ain’t got no football, and I ain’t gonna be no friggin’ hippy.” But then he decided it was a boring way to go, and tossed it away as he lays on his back, waiting for death. “Whatever, just gonna lay here and wait for somethin’ to eat me. Give them the indigestion of their life! YEAH! A-and possibly some STDs, cuz I got those, and I don’t know if they pass, like, when I'm going down the throat. But it probably does.”
Suddenly, he could hear what sounds like a threatening bouncing coming towards him. “That’s right, get closer you friggen’ animal. Finish me off!” Carl said as he saw a pinkish shadow get close to his body.
“Animal? Where?” Said a cute voice “I’m a pony, silly! But what are you? Are you the animal? You sure look like an animal I’ve never seen.”
Carl just looked up only to see a puffy maned pink pony looking down at him with an inviting smile. Carl’s brow furrows as he slowly stands up, angry. “Oh no, I was plannin’ on going out, metal style. And you? You ain’t metal.”
“Of course I’m not metal, silly! I’m made of fur and um, mane stuff, and meat, and eyes, and-” But as the pink pony bounced cheerfully, naming off parts of herself, Carl grabs his shotgun and aims it right at her face. She just stares at it for a moment before giggling. “Oh, hey! That’s a neat party cannon you got there!”
“Hey hey! Yeah! That’s what it is! Now keep looking through them holes for a tasty treat.” Carl says, with false cheer, as he waits for the pony to steady herself as she stares right into the holes of the shotgun. But when he actually pulls the trigger, nothing comes out, there is only a click.
“Hey! Where’s the confetti? The candy? Is it broken?” The pink pony asked.
Carl just flipped the shotgun over and stared into the holes, replying in his usual monotone expression. ”Nah, it just ain’t loaded. Thought it was but…” Carl just groaned as he put his hand on his head in shame. “Oh right, I forgot I had these pills, and they kinda made me a little crazy. So, I had an idea for a party, which is kinda weird since you seem to like those. Anyway, I got all my shells and made a pinata out of them, thinkin’ they’d drop candy, because I was off my rocker. Anyway, I hit it, and they kinda blew off my leg. Luckily, or unluckily, Fryman made me a new one… Made of metal, and the girls, they kinda don’t like it, says it gives off bad vibes.”
“Oh, that explains the weird leg then. But what do you mean bad vibes?” The pony asked.
“No idea, Fryman said the nuclear reactor in this thing don’t give off radiation, on like, the outside. So I’m guessin’ its just they’re jealous that I can crush rocks with this thing, I dunno.” Carl said, giving his metal leg a gentle kick.
“I dunno what a nuker reacterer is, but crushing rocks sounds fun! I used to do that as a filly!” The pony said, hopping about happily before giving the leg a poke. “So, is it really strong?”
“Yeah, sorta. But it also apparently gives me cancer, because of the reactor thing, but hey, I ain’t gonna live that long anyway, I never do, so it don't matter. Oh god…” Carl just looked down and shook his head at his own mortality. “I’m talking to a pink pony. Maybe I can still find a cliff to jump off or somethin’, because I ain’t climbin’ no tree to jump off, ain’t wearing the right sweatpants for that.”
“Y’know, maybe I know why you’re having trouble with the ladies, and I think my friend Rarity can fix you right up!” The Pink Pony said.
“She human?” Carl asked.
“I dunno what that is, maybe? She never talks about all of her family relations.” The Pink Pony said.
“Alright, I’ll go then. But she better be a looker, I don’t take anything lower than a two… And that’s mostly because I have trouble gettin’ above a four, but we ain’t gonna talk about that.” Carl said as he began to follow the pink pony… Into a brand new world.
