Call of Pony: Modern Prank Warfare

by Stalin with Da Spoon

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Main 6, Other, Thriller, Anon, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3891

Heads up! We have lost contact with David-Actual, intel suggests that after a series of well designed pranks the mane six have captured him and are holding him captive. We don't leave good men behind, let's bring them home, boys.

Join Hoot, Anon, and the rest of task force 420 "Anon's Prankster's" as they save David from the wrath of the Mane Six, and then unleash their own pranks against the mares.

Hoot: https://www.youtube.com/c/HootMain
Based off of Pulling Pranks With Ponies by Godiswithus3.

Random little shitpost I felt like making while on vacation so I didn't feel totally useless.
Currently on Hiatus till I touch up on my other stories.

Published 2022-07-07 18:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-09-16 00:52:59 UTC

Saving Private David [Mission Briefing]

[Date: Classified. Location: {REDACTED}. Time: 9:38 AM.]

In an un-disclosed location within the human realm of Earth, the door to a large room opened, as eight human men wearing black military operator suits, complete with bullet proof vests and tactical rigging, walked into the room, each of their faces obscured by their masks, wearing helmets with mounted night vision goggles. Each of the agents sat down in all of the available seats, except for the last agent, who wore a hockey mask. This agent, known as Hoot, walked up to a whiteboard as a projector turned on and began projecting onto it, as a photo of operator David's face appeared on screen.

"Heads up! Ten minutes ago, we received a distress signal from our equestrian field agent, David-Actual."

The voice of David then played through an audio file, as the agents in the room grimaced at the audible whacking and pain in David's voice.

WHACK! WHACK! "OW FUCK!" WHACK WHACK! "DAMN IT, IT FEELS GOOD, BUT IT STILL HURT'S SO BAD!"

Images of David running away from the pursuing Applejack and Rainbow dash appeared on screen, with hate visible in their eyes, as several of the agents could practically feel the rage radiating from them, even in image form.

"He was evading capture after pulling off a series of effective pranks against the ponies but was soon ambushed and captured by Rainbow dash and Applejack before he could make it out of Ponyville via train ride to Canterlot." Hoot said as an image of said pony ambush and steam train appeared on screen. "Intel suggests he did these pranks with some hot sauce, itching powder, rainbow shampoo, laxatives and stink bombs." Tabs with the Images of the mentioned items were moved by a cursor onto the board, along with images of their related incidents, including the rainbow colored mane and tail of Rarity, as well as the rapidly itching Applejack and blazing hot Rainbow Dash. "Always was one of our best prankster units, bout as good as Anon here." Hoot said as he gestured to the agent at the very front.

"Please, you give me too much credit."

Images then appeared of a trussed-up David being dragged away via rope by Applejack towards sweet apple acres, and then showing him painstakingly working the fields of Sweet Apple Acres, before being taken inside of the barn, making the operators grimace at his poor treatment while Hoot continued to speak.

"He was then hauled away and forced to work on the farm for free like a fucking slave, and now he is being held captive, where we suspect he is being tortured via spanking and who knows what else by those sick fucks. Intel suggests a residential perimeter is being kept around the area. Satellite pictures from Agent Derpy Hooves and Gex confirm the location is Sweet Apple Acres, property owned by the Apple family, and we believe he is being held in the main barn."

The screen then displayed several satellite images of Sweet Apple Acres, showing the farm from a bird eye's view, as it zoomed in on the barn and highlighted it with a white outline, before two white arrows appeared, one pointing towards the door of the barn, one pointing towards the side.

"Two teams will move in, one securing David while the other distracts the ponies. Remember, these are civilians, so check your fire, and ensure no collateral damage. Once you have retrieved David, extract will arrive at the end of the field, and pull both teams out." The map zoomed out, before a large white circle highlighted a patch of land at the end of the orchard. "Once we have him, we can begin preparations to give those mares a taste of their own medicine."

"We don't leave good men behind, let's bring them home."

The agents in the room all nodded, some pumping their fists into the air, yelling out 'Oo-rah!' as they got up and out of their seats, one agent, known as 'Badger' spoke up.

"Hell yeah, let's fuck these guys up."

Anon couldn't help but chuckle.

"Now now Badger, let's not go causing civilian casualties."

"Well yeah, but still, it'll be good to get revenge."

"That it will be." As the agents all proceeded to leave the room through a new door, they entered a large armory, with weapons and equipment lining the walls, as they all geared up. Knowing this was a non-lethal operation, everyone made sure to load beanbag rounds. Still hurts like hell, but it was only non-lethal blunt force, so as long as it was a body shot, they would be fine. The agents made sure to strap on smoke and flashbang grenades, attaching them to their rigging, while some brought out zip-ties and emergency tazers, in case things got dicy.

Soon, everyone was geared up, as they made their way out of the armory, and entered a large room with a large ring-like structure and wires and cables connected it, as it sat at the end of the room, being known as the 'Gateway', allowing the squad to reach Equestria. Badger than turned to operator Skulker, who looked back and gave a thumbs up, as he began to press a few buttons and the gateway began to rapidly spin, before a blue glow emitted from it and suddenly, the gateway opened, revealing a large green and grassy field, as Skulker turned back to Badger.

"Good to go."

"Roger that, let's go bring our man home, boys!" The other squad members saluted, before they all walked into the portal, before Hoot was the last one to enter, as he turned around and have a thumbs up before slowly entering the portal, his thumb vanishing into the portal.

On the other end, Hoot emerged last while the portal vanished from view, as he then turned to his squad, and cracked his knuckles together.

"Let's get the job done. David's counting on us, lads. Oo-rah!"

"Oo-rah!" And with that, the squad set off on foot to liberate their captured comrade.

Saving Private David [Deployment]

[Sweet Apple Acres, 9:50 AM.]

WHACK!

"OW!"

WHACK!

"SHIT!"

WHACK!

"HOLY CRAP IT HURTS MORE THAN THE LAST!"

David's cries fell limp on the ears of Rarity, as she continued to spank the human with her stick, as she heard Rainbow snickering at the pain of the human.

"Well maybe you should've thought about that before you tried to prank us darling!"

"But you guys pranked me first, it was in retaliation!"

Rarity was about to object, before realizing that David had a valid point.

"Oh dear... I suppose we did deserve it didn't we?"

Rainbow dash shook her head and blew a raspberry.

"Yeah, but still, nobody pranks Rainbow dash and gets away with it!"

"But I fixed the damage I caused didn't I?"

"Yes yah did, but that don't mean your still off the-"

Suddenly, a faint knocking was heard at the closed barn door, as everyone quickly quieted down, as Applejack looked to her friends, as they nodded and she approached the door, and slowly opened it.

"Hello?" As she slowly cracked open the door, she saw nobody inside, but something quickly flew through inside the open door, as a small metal cylinder object landed on the ground. A slow ticking was heard, before-

BANG!

Applejack was blinded, and rendered almost completely deaf by the burst of light and noise. Rainbow and Rarity met the same fate, as they covered their eyes. David had been facing away from it, and as such only took a bit of hearing damage, so he could faintly hear the sound of the barn wall being busted open with a large sledge hammer, turning to see four human operatives wearing black uniforms and tactical rigging complete with assault rifles loaded with bean bag rounds as they proceeded to break through the opening, one of them wearing a ski mask that David quickly recognized, as two of the operatives quickly let David loose from his binds and got him off his feet, as Hoot put his hand on David's shoulder.

"Can you walk, soldier?"

"Pretty sure my leg's are asleep. Thank god you guys got here in time, or else I would've had a fully red ass."

"No worries mate. Now then, Badger, Grouse, get him to the LZ for evac." Hoot then put a hand on his radio as he turned it on. "This is Hoot-1 to Anon-1, we have secured David, I repeat, we have secured David." As soon as he got off the radio, the barn door burst open, as four more operatives entered the room, as three of them pulled out zipties, and quickly tied together each of the ponies legs. All this before the ponies could even fully recover from the flashbang. As Rainbow finally came to, she was both surprised and terrified by the sight.

"Huh-Wuh- Who are you guys!?!" As he said this, the familiar of voice of Anon spoke as he stepped forward, pulling down his mask to reveal a smug smile while Dash glared at him.

"You just got dunked on by Task Force 420, baby. Now let's bug the fuck out, were on borrowed time boys."

Hoot nodded as he reached for his radio. "This is Hoot-1 to Burger-Actual, we have the bag, over."

"Roger that, EVAC is inbound, ETA 1 minute. Recommend you haul ass and get to the designated LZ, cause chances are we may be landing hot."

"Copy that." Hoot shut off his radio, as he signaled for his men to get moving, as David smugly waved bye to the struggling mares before being helped out of the barn through the front door. As the squad left the barn, they then quickly made a mad dash through the apple orchard, with David's legs slowly waking back up, as he then began to run at full sprint like the rest of the squad. As they approached the end of the orchard, they saw a large blue vortex open up in the sky, as a Bell UH-1 Iroquois AKA Huey Helicopter flew through, as it descended to the ground with it's door opening.

Back inside the barn, Applejack had used her sturdy legs to strain the zipties around her hooves, finally managing to completely snap them, standing up and going to help break Rainbow and Rarity free before they all ran through the hole in the side of the barn wall, charging after the squad.

The team of operatives quickly moved towards the helicopter, as David looked behind them to see Applejack, Rainbow dash, and Rarity, as the two mares were rapidly charging at the squad, with intent to re-capture David. Hoot noticed her too, and simply turned around, firing off two beanbag shots right at the ground in front of them, as one missed while the other bounced up and hit Rainbow directly in her left fore leg, sending her tumbling to the ground, with Applejack and Rarity stopping to check on her and make sure she wasn't hurt.

"She'll be fine."

David shrugged as Anon proceeded to shout. "GET TO DA CHOPPA!"

After a few more seconds of running, they had reached the helicopter slowly hovering a high distance above the ground, as everyone proceeded to boost each other up inside the helicopter, David following last as he leaped up by himself towards the chopper and gripped onto the edge of the copter, his grip slipping before having his arms grabbed by Hoot and Anon, as they pulled him back inside while the helicopter door closed.

Applejack could only watch as the helicopter climbed into the air, as it proceeded to go through the large blue portal it had come through, as it then sealed shut behind them.

"WAT IN TARNATION!?!"

"They got away!"

"Those ruffians took David too!"

"And we weren't even finished with him!"

"Ah reckon we oughta tell Twilight about this..."

[Back at Alpha Base...]

The helicopter exited the portal as it closed behind it, before landing on the small landing pad below it, as it's rotors shut off and it's doors opened, allowing the squad to exit as they began cheering.

"Woo yeah! Take that ponies!"

"Humanity for the win!"

"Yeah, mission accomplished!"

"That's a new record for fastest extraction yet!"

Hoot then turned to David, as he gave him a pat on the back.

"You did a fine job pranking those ponies on a solo op, soldier. But now, we do it together, got it?"

"Roger that, sir." Hoot nodded, before turning to Badger.

"Badger, get your squad together, it's time that we plan a little payback."

"Oh man, you can SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!"

"Oo-rah!"

Operation: Rainbow Blackout [Mission Briefing]

[Location: Homebase, Earth. Date: [CLASSIFIED] Time: 0000 (12:00) Hours.]

Hoot was once again stood in front of his entire squad, as they were all sat down in their seats, including David this time around, as Hoot turned to the board, as images of the recent rescue operation were displayed on the board, along with pieces of evidence, including some mane hair in a bag and a half-eaten apple.

"Alright everyone, listen up. As you all know, about 14 hours ago we managed to extract David-Actual from hostile territory, but that doesn't mean that were gonna stop there. We need to show these ponies that we mean business. As such, we will be commencing counter-prank warfare against the ponies. They thought David's pranks were bad, but they haven't seen anything yet. As of now, we are officially at Prank-con 3, and you all know what that means... It's time for a proper prank war!"

Mugshot images of Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash appeared on the board, as well as images of the Carousel Boutique, Sweet Apple Acres, and the Rainbow Factory.

"These are our targets, as these mares are responsible for everything David has gone through. The other three ponies are to be left alone, unless they attempt to retaliate, in which case it's fair game. These are the places that they live and work, prime targets to prank them. Seeing as Rainbow was the one to start and end David's pranking spree, she will be the first target of our new spree."

More images of the Rainbow Factory appeared on screen, including building blueprints, layouts, and records of the employees.

"Your objective is to infiltrate the Rainbow Factory at 0100 hours, and deploy this, into the rainbow machine."

A few images of black ink appeared on screen, including a plan showing how to drop the ink into the machine.

"Intel suggests that Rainbow will be the one to operate the Rainbow machine at work tomorrow, so when she turns it on, our little inky surprise will go off, and cover her, the entire factory interior, and the rainbow itself, in a coating of black ink. Which, might I add, is very, very, difficult to get out. I predict it will take approximately six hours for them to clean the rainbow, and another six just to get it out of their manes."

Many in the room let out cheers and hums of agreement, especially David, who was already loving this plan.

"Once the ink is implanted, you shall also deploy cameras, so we can get some good reaction shots of Rainbow as she blows her lid. Now then, in order to get inside the factory, you'll be deployed to the roof via helo, then you shall be dropped down and will rappel down the wall until you reach an opening, then enter the factory, reach the machine, and deploy the ink and cameras. If your spotted by anyone, just tranq em. Once deployed, you may exit the factory the old fashioned way."

"We jump?"

"Precisely, just pull your chutes and the portal will open up for you. Now let's go get our revenge, boys. Show them what a real prank looks like!"

"Sir yes sir, Oo-rah!"

The men quickly stood up out of their seats and saluted before filing out of the room, while David and Anon stayed behind to chat with Hoot. "Hey man, I just wanna say I got nothing personal against the ponies, so y'know, don't go planting pipe bombs or anything."

"Don't worry mate, we know this is all in good fun. Were just making that the score is settled properly. Now go ahead and get geared up, you got a job to do."

"Roger that."

Operation: Rainbow Blackout [Deployment]

Rainbow Dash proceeded to finish the process of clocking out of the factory for the night, finishing up by shutting off the factory lights ensuring everything was in place for tomorrow's rainbow. She still couldn't shake out the memory of what happened yesterday... Who were those other humans that busted into Applejack's barn and saved David? How did he know them? Was he with them? Twilight seemed to believe that they were former colleagues of David before he arrived in Equestria, and when they learned of his peril, they came to rescue him.

Honestly, Rainbow Dash had to commend and respect them for their loyalty and dedication, coming to another dimension just to save one of their friends. Reminds her of her own friends... Maybe she had treated David a bit too harshly as well. If she ever saw him again, she would need to apologize. After giving him a solid bloody nose.

Humming to herself as she closed the factory gate behind her and locked, she took flight, heading off for her house to get some nice shut eye...

[FIVE HOURS LATER...]

Time: 0100.
Location: Rainbow Factory, Cloudsdale.
Mission: Infiltrate Factory, Implant Explosive Ink Device, Place Cameras, Extract.

Commence operation.

A portal slowly cracked open in the sky, as the sound of the Huey helicopter filled the air. Skulker looked back to see Hoot, Anon, Badger, Grouse, and David all sitting together, wearing their stealth gear, as David re-adjusted his equipment after not wearing it for so long.

"Feels good to be back in action boys."

"Yep, let's just hope your not too rusty." Everyone chuckled at Hoot's remark while Skulker spoke up.

"Alright boys, prepare for drop!" A green light lit up on the helicopters ceiling, as Anon and Hoot nodded to each other before moving to open the helicopter side doors, looking down to the factory below them. The other operatives sat up and secured their rappels to their harnesses, tugging on it to ensure safety before dropping down rapidly, holding on tight before they hit the ground, detaching their rappels from their links as the helicopter flew back through the portal. Hoot then activated his radio.

"Alright boys, let's go dark." All of the operatives then lowered their Night Vision Goggles over their eyes, activating them as they walked their way to the wall overlooking the factories main entrance. "Here's our way in." The operatives secured their rappels to the wall, before quickly jumping and landing on the wall as they slowly walked down, drawing their weapons as they hit the ground, or in this case cloud, before walking up to the door, slowly pushing it open.

"Morons left the door open." Badger said as they moved inside, scanning the reception area for hostiles, before quickly moving into the next room, the offices. Using the various cubicles as cover, the operatives slowly moved up, ensuring they stayed hidden and out of sight. The offices were not very lively luckily, filled with only a single pony guard, who was thankfully sleeping on the job. Seeing an open donut box with a singular jelly donut inside of it, Grouse walked up and snatched for himself.

"Free food." The other operatives silently chuckled, as Grouse snuck away from the still sleeping guard before continuing deeper into the factory, as they reached the door to the main factory floor and pushed it open, revealing the massive factory floor crowded with large machinery, the room itself being extremely dark, and so large that the NVG's couldn't show the whole room.

"Alright, fan out and place cameras, I'll plant the device." David said as everyone nodded and scattered, quickly moving to place cameras in key positions. A couple guards were present, but some well placed tranquilizer rounds made quick work of them. As David looked around the room full of machines, he soon made a realization. "Alright, the Rainbow Machine must be in a different room... Probably on a lower level." The other operatives agreed, as they regrouped near an elevator, opening the door and stepping inside as it headed down to the basement level.

As the elevator door slowly opened to the basement level, a horrible stench filled the air. "Ack, smells like something died down here!" A slight chill went up every one of the operator's backs. Surely it isn't true... They keep moving through the long hallway, seeing multiple iron doors to their left and right, all of them closed and locked. They looked like... Cells. No no, it's not true, there is a reasonable explanation for this...

But as they opened the door at the end of the hall, their fears were confirmed, as bold letters on the metal exterior of a machine read 'Pegasus Device, Use only for Unworthy Pegasi'.

"Destroy it."

"W-what?"

"It looks like it hasn't been used yet, so we have an opportunity to stop the nightmare from ever starting. Sabotage it, break it, blow it up, do whatever, just make sure it never works." The other soldiers nodded, as they quickly walked over and began tearing the machine apart, removing panels and ruining wiring, tearing out circuits, and even chucking a C4 explosive inside the main grinder, which was timed to go off in five minutes, and due to it being so deep underground, nobody would even hear it go off.

As they deemed their work done, they quickly walked into the elevator as it ascended to the main floor. "Not a single fucking word of this to high command. We chuck the ink device in some other random machine, and get out."

"No arguments here. Feels good to stop the nightmare that is this factory from truly starting up though..."

"Yep, that pegasus device will never run on our watch." As the operatives emerged back on the factory floor, David walked over to one of the more complicated machines, and threw the ink device inside, as they nodded to each other.

"Let's move, our mission is done, and the device will be no more in about a minute." David then turned to see a large open window, looking back to his fellow operators nodding before they all made a mad dash for the open window, before jumping out.

3...

2...

1...

All of their parachutes opened, as the portal beacon activated and each of them had a blue portal open beneath them, as they fell through safe and sound. As they landed on the metal ground of the safehouse, they stood up to applause and cheers from their fellow squad mates. They still felt proud of what they had pulled off. And what they had prevented...

As they walked out of the main room and into the locker room, they removed their helmets, as they got over themselves and high fived each other.

"One down, two to go!"

"Oo-rah!"