"I still can't believe you ate that entire thing..."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted lightly back into the schoolhouse after a picnic lunch...well, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were trotting lightly. Scootaloo was more...slurching, her stomach dragging the ground and her head bowed, as her tiny body struggled to process all five pounds of the monstrosity she had just consumed: the Super-Keen Seventeen-Bean Mean Green Burrito Supreme. (With sour cream!)
"You know...I...ugh...couldn't back down from...grrk...a dare like....agh...that..." Scootaloo groaned. "Besides...I was...trying to earn my Big Eater cutie mark."
"And you didn't," Sweetie pointed out.
"Oh well. I still...urp...won. And it was delicious."
"Yeah, but you don't look so hot, Scootaloo," Apple Bloom said, concerned for her friend.
As the fillies and colts filed into the schoolhouse and took their places, Miss Cheerilee trotted behind her desk at the front of the room and smiled at them all. "Alright, class, settle down...we're going to be doing some word problems this afternoon, and--"
Scootaloo's rear end unleashed a sound remarkably like a dying cat being blown out of a tuba.
Everypony stared at her. She ducked her head low to the ground, cheeks flaming.
With the exception of her friends and Miss Cheerilee, everypony burst out laughing.
"REALLY, Scootaloo!" Cheerilee exclaimed, nose wrinkling in distaste. "That was MOST inappropriate!"
"Hey! It ain't her fault!" Apple Bloom declared hotly.
"It kind of is," Sweetie Belle said quietly.
"Good one, Scootaloo!" Snips said, rolling on his back laughing.
"Scootaloo?" Diamond Tiara scoffed. "More like...POOTaloo!"
"Yeah! Hey, do it again, Pootaloo!" Silver Spoon added, giggling.
"Yeah, blast out another one, Pootaloo!" said Snails.
The humiliated pegasus filly ran from the schoolhouse, tears streaming as the laughter of her classmates faded behind her. Trading worried glances, her two best friends chased after her, ignoring Cheerilee's protests.
* * * * *
A half hour later, Sweetie and Apple Bloom found their distressed friend at the clubhouse. "Scootaloo? You okay?" Apple Bloom asked.
Scootaloo sniffled. "I...I'm so embarrassed..."
"Well, yeah, anypony would be after all that," Sweetie said.
"It's...not just that..." Scootaloo said. She shifted, head bowed. "I...just did it again--"
"Yeah, we could smell it from outside OW! Apple Bloom!"
"--and...this time...I got my cutie mark."
The other two Crusaders' eyes widened, and they rushed to examine their friend's flank.
"Yep, there's definitely a cutie mark there," Apple Bloom said in a flat, disbelieving voice.
"Is that...a fart cloud?" Sweetie asked, staring. Indeed, the orange pegasus filly's flank bore a sickly green mushroom cloud with stench lines wavering from it.
"Yeah," Scootaloo replied, nodding miserably. "I guess...I really AM Pootaloo..."
The other two Crusaders hugged their friend as she cried silently.
* * * * *
The news of Scootaloo's misfortunes spread faster than a Parasprite infestation.
"No WAY! A farting cutie mark?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, before falling off her napping cloud and rolling around on the ground laughing.
"Dash, this is serious!" Twilight Sparkle said. "How would you feel if you had something like that on your flank for the rest of your life?"
Dash thought about that for a minute. "Gassy."
Twilight facehoofed.
"Poor, poor Scootaloo," Rarity said, a hoof pressed dramatically to her forehead. "The shame of it all! It must be unbearable!"
"I know! We should throw her a cuteceanera!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
"Uhh...Pinkie Pie...Ah don't think that's such a great idea..." Applejack said. "Ah mean, Ah don't think Scoots really wants t' celebrate her fart mark."
"Heehee...fart mark..." Dash giggled.
"But...parties make everypony feel better..." Pinkie complained, eyes wide and wet. "I just want to help poor little Pootaloo feel be--"
Rainbow Dash exploded in fresh peals of laughter.
"Yyyyyyeah, uh...Pinkie? Don't call her Pootaloo," Twilight advised.
"Oh...sorry. It just slipped out."
"If it were me, I'd never want anypony to see me ever again," Fluttershy said quietly.
"Nah, Scoots'll get over it. She's tough. She's gotta be, 'cuz she's my number one fan." Dash nodded assertively, then flapped back up to her cloud and assumed nap formation. Even as she did so, though, she could be heard giggling and muttering 'Pootaloo' under her breath.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "I'll write to Princess Celestia and see what she has to say about this."
* * * * *
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, Scootaloo--one of the Cutie
Mark Crusaders--finally got her
Cutie Mark. Unfortunately, it is
related to...well...breaking wind.
I've never heard of anypony having
such an embarrassing cutie mark,
and I was hoping you might have
some advice on how I can help her
deal with this crisis.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
* * * * *
To my faithful student,
It is truly unfortunate to hear
that what should have been the
happiest moment of a young filly's
life has, in this case, been ruined
by the tragedy of an unfortunate
and embarrassing cutie mark. If,
however, it would be of any help
at all, please show your young
friend the picture I have sent
along with this letter. It might
help her put things in perspective.
Sincerely yours,
Princess Celestia
Twilight looked at the enclosed picture.
Her eyes bugged out.
Her face turned green.
"Oh...oh GROSS! What the...why would she even..." Nauseated, Twilight tossed the offending picture onto the desk. "That's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!"
"What?" Spike asked, moving to examine the picture.
"No, don't look--!" Twilight exclaimed in horror...
"Oh, it's just Sir Trotsalot," the dragon said indifferently.
Twilight blinked. "You KNOW him?"
"Well, yeah. He works in the Palace gardens." Spike grinned. "He spreads the manure..."
Twilight fell to the floor with a thud.
* * * * *
"...so you see," Twilight trailed off as the Cutie Mark Crusaders stared up at her, eyes wide, "your cutie mark, while...embarrassing...could be a whole lot worse."
After recovering from the horror of the photograph the unicorn mare had shown them, Scootaloo shook her head. "Actually, I'm already okay with it," she said.
"You are?" Twilight asked, tilting her head and blinking curiously at the filly.
"Yep! 'Cuz now I can do this!"
And with that, Scootaloo mounted her scooter, hunkered down, and unleashed a massive butt blast that launched her down the road like a rocket.
Twilight stared after her, mouth gaping in shock.
Then the smell caught up with her and she gagged.
"What the hay has that filly been EATING?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "That's our Pootaloo."
* * * * *
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that sometimes,
when life hands a pony lemons,
all she can do is make lemonade.
Or in Scootaloo's case, since
life handed her farts, all she
can do is make fartade.
Twilight frowned, crumpled the parchment into a ball, threw it into the trash, and started over.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned to stay the HAY away
from Scootaloo's rear end.
"Uhh...that sounds so incredibly wrong," Spike said, reading over her shoulder.
"Aaaargh!" Twilight crumpled up this attempt at a letter, threw it away, picked up her quill again, and...
Dear Princess Celestia,
...Pootaloo.
That is all.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
* * * * *
Celestia read her student's letter and giggled. "Pootaloo..."
Breakin' Wind 2: Electric Pootaloo
"It's CURTAINS for YOU, Fluttershy!"
Fluttershy squeaked in fright and buried her head under her hooves, crouching low to the floor and trembling. Rarity bore down upon her like the wrath of all things wrathful and wrathy, eyes blazing, horn limned in a magical aura. The large package strapped to the fashionista's back opened, and...
Several rolls of fabric floated out, hovering between the two ponies. One unrolled itself, revealing a pleated pale-yellow linen curtain with pink velvet trim all around the edges and a masterfully embroidered pattern of butterflies decorated with small, bright gems occupying the lower right corner.
"Well?" Rarity asked. "Do you like them?"
Fluttershy stood up, rearing on her hind legs and kicking her front hooves in the air. "Oh, yes, very much. Thank you, Rarity. These are sooo beautiful."
Rarity beamed, clapping her hooves. "I'm so glad you love them, darling! I'll just help you put these up, and—"
Derpy plummeted out of the sky, plowed through the floating curtain, flailing as it blinded her, and crashed into Fluttershy. The yellow pegasus gave a startled yelp as the two mares tumbled across the lawn, crashing into the front wall of Fluttershy's cottage.
"Oh goodness!" Rarity exclaimed, rushing over and disentangling the two ponies. "Are you alright?" Derpy started to reply, but stopped when she realized Rarity had been addressing neither her nor Fluttershy, but the curtain. Rarity exhaled a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. No damage. It just needs to be ironed again." She threw a stern glare at the gray pegasus. "Derpy! DO watch where you're going!"
"Sorry," Derpy said, bowing her head, ears flat. "I didn't mean to make a mess. I'm looking for Scootaloo."
"Um...doesn't Scootaloo live all the way on the other side of Ponyville?" Fluttershy asked, brushing dust off herself and ruffling her wings.
"Oopsie," Derpy said. "I need to find her really fast, I've got an important let—" she trailed off, wings flaring as her eyes rolled in panic. "Oh no! Where's that letter?"
Pinkie Pie popped out of a shrub, a scroll clamped in her teeth. "You mean this letter?" she asked. "You lost it over by Sugarcube Corner."
"Oh, there it is! Thanks, Pinkie Pie," Derpy said. "I've got to find Scootaloo and give her that letter before—"
"Isn't that the Royal Seal of Canterlot?" Rarity asked, tilting her head. "Whatever could the Palace want with Scootaloo?" She snatched it away from Pinkie with her magic and opened it.
Fluttershy trotted over to Rarity and read the letter over her shoulder. Her eyes widened. "It says the Commissar is coming to Ponyville," she said, voice softer than usual.
"Oooh, the Commissar!" Pinkie Pie said in an impressed tone. "Is he bringing all his funky friends?"
"Pinkie Pie, this is serious!" Rarity snapped. "I think we need to take this letter to Twilight Sparkle immediately."
"But I'm supposed to take it to Scootaloo," Derpy interjected.
"We'll make absolutely sure Scootaloo has this letter well before the Commissar arrives," Rarity assured her.
"With all his funky friends!" Pinkie added randomly.
"Well...okay then..."
* * * * *
"Fillies and gentlecolts, may I present for the very first time...PRINCESS Twilight Sparkle!"
The crowds of ponies cheered and chanted her name as the newest pony princess stretched her brand-new, beautiful purple wings and rose from the balcony...
"Twilight!" Spike called. "Wake up, ponies here to see you!"
Twilight groaned and lifted her face from the roll of parchment it was stuck to, then shambled blearily downstairs. As she did so, several of her friends filed into the library, along with the mailpony, Derpy Hooves. "What's up, everypony?" she asked drowsily.
"Oh, goodness...were you asleep?" Fluttershy asked.
"I guess I dozed off transcribing spells," Twilight admitted sheepishly. "I was having the most wonderful dream, too..."
"Was it the one where you turned into an alicorn and became a princess again? Because you really need to get over that," Pinkie said.
"Yeah, Twilight," Spike put in. "It's not like you're just randomly gonna grow wings and—"
Twilight idly bucked Spike into the storybook section. "So, what can I do for everypony?"
Rarity floated the important letter over to Twilight. "Scootaloo has received a very important letter from Canterlot!"
"Really?" Twilight asked. She tilted her head. "Wait, if it's Scootaloo's letter, why isn't she with you?"
"Well, actually, Scootaloo hasn't even seen the letter yet," Fluttershy said. "Derpy lost it at Sugarcube Corner."
"It says the Commissar is coming to Ponyville!" Rarity said.
"And all his funky friends!" Pinkie added.
"The Commissar?!" Twilight gasped. "Oh, this is bad..."
"Who's this Commissar?" Spike asked, tilting his head.
"The Commissar is an investigator from the Cutie Mark Registration Office," Twilight explained, pacing. "Whenever anypony gets a strange or unusual cutie mark, the Commissar is sent to interview that pony. If the Commissar finds cause to suspect there's a problem with the pony's cutie mark, then..." She trailed off, frowning anxiously.
"Then what?" Spike asked.
"Then they're stricken from the registry scrolls," Twilight said, ears flattening.
"And what does that mean?" Spike asked, eyes wide.
"It doesn't really mean anything to a pony's everyday life," Fluttershy said quietly.
"But it's...well...it's sort of a social stigma," Twilight said.
"Ponies have been ostracized for having their cutie marks stricken," Rarity explained. "It's simply the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING! that can happen to anypony."
"And Scootaloo's cutie mark, well..." Fluttershy said, ears drooping.
Twilight sighed. "The Commissar's probably not going to find a cutie mark for farting very..." She shook her head. "We've got to get that letter to Scootaloo right away. She needs to know about the Commissar."
"And all his funky friends!"
* * * * *
The mares found Scootaloo at the Cutie Mark Crusaders Clubhouse with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. Although Scootaloo had her cutie mark now and so was no longer technically a Crusader, she and the other fillies were still good friends, so she could always be found playing with her friends and joining in their insane schemes to discover their cutie marks.
Today, they were apparently trying to earn cutie marks in dancing. "Oh, hey everypony!" Apple Bloom called from where she was doing an exceptionally dorky disco dance. Scootaloo was breakdancing, and Sweetie Belle was doing the robot. "How d'y'all like our dancin'? Sweetie Belle does a mighty good robot!"
"Nevermind that now," Twilight said, passing the letter over to Scootaloo with her magic. "Scootaloo, this letter's just arrived for you from Canterlot. Now, don't be alarmed—"
The Crusaders gathered around to read the letter. "The Commissar? Who's—"
Twilight quickly explained the situation. Scootaloo looked pale and nervous. "—and so," the lavender mare finished, "he's coming to investigate your cutie mark."
"With all his funky friends!"
"Oh my gosh!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed. "Scootaloo, what if...what if this Commissar rejects your cutie mark?"
"This is bad," Apple Bloom said. "Diamond Tiara's already bullying Scootaloo over her fart mark, if this Commissar thing goes wrong, then—"
Scootaloo blew her bangs out of her eyes. "Who cares? I don't need anypony's approval except Rainbow Dash, and she thinks I'm awesome!"
"I don't know if 'awesome' is the right word," Sweetie muttered. "More like 'hilarious'..."
"Hilarious is as good as awesome if it's Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said. "As for this Commissar and Diamond Tiara and anypony else who disses my cutie mark..." She scrunched up her face and thrust her butt into the air.
Apple Bloom paled. "SCOOTALOO, NOT IN THE CLUBHOU—"
Fluttershy, Rarity, Twilight, Derpy, Pinkie, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle found themselves planted like potatoes in the ground around the ruins of the clubhouse, their tails standing on end and sticking straight up. Scootaloo landed in their midst and laughed sheepishly. "Oops. Sorry about that..."
* * * * *
Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie waited with Scootaloo at the train station on the day the Commissar was due to arrive.
"It'll be okay, Scoots," Dash said. "Don't sweat it."
"Just relax, be honest, don't be afraid, and for the love of Celestia, don't fart," Twilight advised.
"But how will the Commissar and all his funky friends judge Scootaloo's cutie mark if she doesn't use her special talent?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"She has a point," Dash noted. "Besides, I'm sure Scootaloo's new trick will impress this chump!"
"Dash, this isn't a—wait, what new trick?" Twilight asked.
Scootaloo shuffled her hooves. "I...I'm not even sure I can do it again. I only got it to work once..."
"Yeah, but it was AWESOME!" Dash enthused. "I nearly peed myself when she did it, it was so funny!"
"I used to know a pegasus who peed herself when somepony did something funny!" Pinkie said. "Her name was Golden Showers, and—" The train pulled up, and Pinkie broke off. "Oh goodie! The Commissar is here! With all his funky friends!"
A small crowd of ponies disembarked from the train, half of them Ponyvilleans who were returning home from trips. The last passengers off the train were a group of four very eccentric equines.
At the front of the group was a dark grey unicorn mare with a neon orange mane and tail. Her mane was cut in a razor-straight pageboy style that reminded Twilight of a rounded helmet. She wore angular glasses, and her cutie mark was a computer with two floppy drives. Flanking her were a donkey with a scrubby goatee and a large, oily Jheri curl wig, and a white earth pony stallion with a cutie mark of an acoustic guitar; this pony was wearing a black bandit mask, cape, and sombrero cordobés.
Behind these three was a tall, broad-framed unicorn stallion wearing a stiff, high-collared blue jacket with gold corded ties across the breast and intricate brass pins on the collar, and a tall blue half-cylinder hat with a shallow, glossy black brim and a large gold badge attached to the front. His coat was silvery, his tail was deep royal blue streaked with gold, and he had a thick royal blue handlebar mustache and sideburns.
The unicorn mare looked all around. "Alles klar, Herr Commissar."
"Thank you, Amber Glow." The Commissar stepped out from behind his escort and led the group to Scootaloo, whom he fixed with a piercing, stern stare. "You are the recently-marked pegasus filly known as 'Scootaloo', correct?"
Scootaloo nodded up at him, suddenly nervous.
Twilight Sparkle took a step forward. "Herr Commissar," she greeted. "You remember me, right? I'm Twilight Sparkle."
"Ah, yes, the Princess' favorite student," the Commissar said, mustache twitching. "You squealed with childlish glee when I put a gold star sticker next to your cutie mark on the registry scroll."
Everypony snickered at Twilight, who blushed. "Aheh...yes, well. These are my friends Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash."
"Her funky friends!" Pinkie added.
"Pinkie, will you please cut that out?" Twilight hissed. Coughing, she added, "Herr Commissar, I haven't had the pleasure of meeting your entourage."
"Ah, yes, of course. My apologies." The Commissar gestured to each of his companions in turn. "This is Amber Glow, my executive assistant. This is my bodyguard, El Kabong, and this is Samule L. Jackass."
"Ooooh, the famous actor?!" Pinkie gushed. "I didn't recognize you with that funky wig!"
"Don't make a scene," the donkey said. "I don't wanna get mobbed."
"In any case," Amber Glow said, "ve are very busy ponies, zo if we might to be getting on mit zis, ja?"
"Yes, of course," the Commissar said. "Now, Scootaloo, if I might examine your flank, please."
Scootaloo dutifully presented her flank. The Commissar leaned in close, studying her cutie mark. He frowned. "Most bizarre."
"I haff never heard of ein pony findink her special talent is..." Amber Glow wrinkled her nose. "Passing vind."
"No joke?" Samule L. Jackass asked. "You mean this little filly's a grade-A farter? Now this I gotta see."
"I vould rather not a demonstration of this talent," Amber Glow opined.
The Commissar sighed. "No, no. To do a proper evaluation, we MUST..." he grimaced. "Witness the talent of the pony in question."
"Do the new trick, Scootaloo!" Rainbow Dash said.
"Trick?" Samule L. Jackass asked. "This filly can do...fart tricks?"
"I sure can!" Scootaloo boasted. "I've figured out at least thirty different fart tricks since I got my cutie mark!"
The Commissar raised an eyebrow at that. "How...impressive...I suppose..." He coughed. "Very well then. Please...ah...demonstrate."
Twilight facehoofed. "Oh, this is SO not going to end well..."
Scootaloo hunched down. Her entire body quivered with tension. Her tiny wings buzzed frantically. Her face scrunched up in an adorable expression of supreme concentration.
Suddenly, her rump shuddered violently. The train platform shook as a tremendous thunderclap erupted from the little filly's hindquarters. Then, impossibly, several lightning bolts—each an entirely different color—shot out of Scootaloo's butt, crackling as they disappeared into the clear blue sky.
Twilight's eye twitched.
Rainbow Dash cheered, laughing.
Pinkie's mane stood on end.
Amber Glow's jaw dropped. El Kabong just stared. Samule L. Jackass raised an eyebrow.
The Commissar stared at Scootaloo with wide-eyed shock. "I...I've never seen anything LIKE that before," he said. Coughing, he extended a hoof to Amber Glow, who wordlessly passed him a scroll. "Very well...you pass. But you only get a bronze star." He produced a sticker from somewhere and pasted it on the scroll next to Scootaloo's cutie mark. "Congratulations on your...err...special talent." He turned to his entourage. "Come, let us be off."
Scootaloo bounced up and down. "I passed!"
"You sure did!" Rainbow Dash laughed.
As the group returned to Ponyville, Pinkie Pie turned to Twilight, who looked like she was trying very hard not to plant her face in the dirt, and said:
"I told you he had funky friends."
Author's Note
POOTALOO WILL RETURN IN APPLE BURP
SAMULE L. JACKASS WILL RETURN IN MARE WARS EQUISODE I
