The Secret Garden

by Samsara

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 3874

Innocent ponies get stoned without realizing it.

Spike brings home a strange plant that Twilight hasn't ever seen before. Twilight, the curious one, jumps on the opportunity to discover something new and she and Spike get more than they bargained for.

Rated Teen for obvious drug use and lame-ass references.

Another dumb little one-shot, I like doing these every now and then just for fun.

Usual Copyright stuff, I don't own any of the material that this story is based on, I just have fun making fanfictions.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-03 17:30:01 UTC

Sun Is Shining

Twilight Sparkle, general authority on all things studious or scientific, logical or literate, indirect or indicative, et cetera was simply standing in her basement, trying to delicately introduce an interesting set of aquatically stable bacteria into a solution of very low concentration bromothymol blue when, out of absolutely nowhere, somepony knocked on her door.  The proximity of the sound indicated that it originated at her basement door and not the front, which narrowed the suspects down to either Spike or Rarity (though only one was respectful enough to knock).

"Come in!"  Twilight shouted over her shoulder, not pulling away from her work since she was so close to finding out yet another useless piece of information.

"Uhm, Twilight?"  Spike's little voice called down from a crack in Twilight's basement door.  The last time she had told him to "come in" during a science experiment something exploded and his scales were turned a horrible, orange-speckled neon yellow.

"What is it, Spike?  I'm a little busy."  Twilight magically squeezed her eye-dropper, revealing through the lack of a chemical color change that, indeed, the bacteria produced no carbon dioxide.  Fascinating.

"Well...  I was out walking around and I found a plant, I was wondering if you could tell me what it was."

"Let me see."  Twilight, after finishing writing down the result in her overused notebook, turned around and met Spike at the bottom of her stairs.  The little dragon was holding a bizarre leaf that she had never seen before.  The thing had seven smaller leaves radiating from a stem, upon which sat a bundle of multi-hued green fibers.  "Where did you get this?"

"Just in a little meadow down...  I think it was south of Sweet Apple Acres.  What is it?"

Twilight took the leaf from Spike and hovered it just in front of her face, turning it over and over and examining it as close as she could.  "I have no idea, Spike.  Eugh...  Smells like skunks live by wherever this grows.  Were there any more? of them?"

"I don't remember but there were definitely a lot.  Want me to show you?"

"Please do."  And with that, Twilight hung up her stereotype labcoat and goggles and headed upstairs with Spike.  After grabbing her saddlebags and a notebook to keep down observations with, Twilight and Spike began their exciting half-mile walk to go look at plants; with Twilight taking copious notes about wind speed, sunlight and other such things that might be relevant to botany.

Once outside of town, Spike led Twilight off the beaten trail and into a meadow of daisies and other such flowers.  The pungent fragrance lifted into the air, aided by the light southern breeze that kept them downwind of their apparent destination.  The further down the pair got, however, the more the scent changed: each time the wind dropped down they could pick up a rather odd aroma, somewhat resembling that of a skunk but with the definite qualities of plant matter.  Soon Twilight found herself looking down into a valley absolutely filled with similar plants to the one that Spike had brought back for her, stretching for hundreds of feet in all directions and casting that same skunky smell so thick that Twilight actually had to cover her nose.

"This is where you got that plant?"  Twilight asked, voice muffled through her foreleg as her eyes started to water.

"Well this one was a little further out, I hadn't seen so many before.  Do you think they're some kind of weed?"  Spike leaned down to have a closer look at one of the ugly little plants growing far out of the way of the field.

"They'd have to be...  They're not set up in any particular order so I don't they're being cultivated by anypony."  Twilight started walking further into the field, finding that each one of the plants was nearly as tall as her withers.  "I definitely need to take some of this back with us.  Help me out here, Spike."  Twilight went about using her telekinesis to pull an entire plant, roots and all, out of the ground and stuffing it into her saddlebag.  Spike tried to pull a plant out by the stalk, but his fingers slipped and he ended up ripping only the leaves and fibrous bundles off.  Twilight was alright with that, however, and filled her remaining saddlebag up with the rank vegetation.

Twilight, having had little else planned to do that day, was eager to get started experimenting once she had gotten back to the lab.  She upturned her saddlebags and dumped out the two massive bundles of fresh, fragrant plants onto a sanitary surface, immediately taking a single leaf and laying it out flat.  She ordered Spike to go fetch her copy of "All About Sprouts" so that she could find the species, while in the mean time writing down observations about the plant itself in a brand new composition book.  She made sure to record the pungent, skunky smell in gratuitous detail, the general tendency between five and seven radiating palmate leaves on each stem, as well as a strange, almost crystalline substance primarily located on smaller leaves and around the fibrous bundles at the base of the larger palmate leaves.

While Twilight was in the middle of a paragraph of notes, Spike reentered the basement with her book, dropping it on an open area of table space so that she could read it.  Like a true master of her craft, Twilight opened the book and flipped through it while telekinetically finishing her notes, though all for naught.

"Darn it...  I can't find anything that looks quite like this plant, Spike."  Twilight made sure to study each picture carefully, not finding a single similar plant (with exception to the common woodland fern.)

"Want me to go get another book?"  Spike stood nearly at attention as he spoke, feeling almost like it was his fault the book didn't have what Twilight was looking for.  Years of uptight conditioning will do that to a dragon.

"No, that's alright.  Honestly if this book doesn't have it I don't think any of them will.  We might be dealing with a brand new species here, Spike.  You know what that means don't you?"

"Uhm..."

"That's right!  Experimentation!"  Twilight was more than excited to have 'discovered' something, and was already planning on a name.  Pteridophyta Crepusculum just had a certain ring to it.

Twilight tore into the already ruined plant matter from her saddlebag almost immediately, ripping the bundles apart and looking specifically for seeds.  It didn't take her too long to find them after shredding through the plant, and so she set them aside for later planting and germination study.  With that out of the way, she separated the various anatomical parts of the plant, ending up with separate leaves, flowering buds, stems, and a smaller collection of leaves that seemed to have an oddly higher amount of that same strange crystallized substance on them.  With her array of plant matter, Twilight began taking closer looks at each one, verifying the existence of the crystal in very high concentration on the flowering buds.

Spike served, as usual, as Twilight's assistant, helping her by holding things steady and other menial tasks, but never actually being allowed to touch anything.  Twilight ordered him to fetch dozens of apparati, finding that no part of the plants were soluble in water, but alcohol seemed to dissolve the crystalline substance.  Twilight wrote down observations, notes, descriptions, even procedural applications as if she were in the middle of scribing a textbook for future students, but she had one single burning question still lurking in her mind: what was in this new plant?

"Spike, hand me my forceps."  Twilight ordered, not taking her eye off of a magnified image (via amusingly large magnifying glass) of her plant samples.  Spike went to work with his task as Twilight dug around for an old Bunsen burner that she had lying around under her desk; she figured a flame test would be in order.  Spike assisted in helping light the burner and Twilight started to gather up small, burnable samples of the plant matter with her forceps, trying her best to keep the magical aura away from the fire so that she could observe the colors with as little bias as possible.  She placed a piece of the fan leaf into the flames, watching it burn somewhat yellow and red and then immediately writing down in her notebook: 'possible presence of sodium and/or calcium.'

Spike stood back and rubbed his nose a little; his allergies had been acting up ever since he walked through that daisy meadow and the smoke definitely wasn't helping.  Twilight, however, didn't notice this (or particularly care), and went about testing the buds.  The smoke that that test produced was definitely thicker, but the flame was otherwise the same color.  As soon as the smoke drifted down to the waiting dragon, however, he caught a whiff of it and immediately sneezed.  Now, you've all seen a dragon sneeze, well, suffice to say the entire pile of plant matter caught fire.  That said, with much of it vaporized, a thick cloud of smoke filled the room the same instant, but more of it continued to billow out of the burning bushel until the two could barely see each other.

Twilight had been caught completely off guard by the sneeze and so inhaled a sharp gasp of the smoke, causing her to feel her throat and lungs close up and feel like they had caught fire.  The harshness of the smoke caused her to cough violently, nearly falling down to the floor in delirium, but she managed to stay standing.  She thought, however, the first thing any scientist thinks when a cloud of gas from an unknown substance enters their lungs: poison.  The burning and irritation didn't help put her mind at ease in that department either.

"Oh no!"  Twilight's sentences were interrupted with huge fits of coughing.  Every single breath she took was more than laced with the harsh vapor.  "Spike...  We need to get a window open and get out of here...  I ca-an't b-breathe..."  The unicorn finally fell to her knees and hacked uncontrollably, feeling the pain in her ribs from the involuntary reaction start up a panic attack.

Spike, who was somewhat used to the feeling of smoke entering his lungs (considering he breathes fire), quickly ran over to the basement windows and threw every one of them open.  Eventually even he started to cough too; even a dragon can only take so much while still an infant.  He grabbed Twilight's hoof and led her toward the stairs, moving as efficiently as he could to the top and getting out of the basement.  For good measure, Twilight opened the windows in her living room to get a little cross ventilation going; trying to be sure she was away from the assumed-poison cloud of smoke.

"Are..."  Twilight tried to speak but immediately fell into another fit of coughing; it felt as though her throat and lungs were coated in a thin layer of extremely hot, extremely sticky goop.  "Are you o-okay...  Spike?"  Her words managed to wheeze out, but Twilight could barely keep a lungful of air in.

Spike had already started to catch his breath, though he was starting to feel a little lightheaded.  "Yeah...  Yeah I think I'm alright.  Are you okay, Twilight?  You're coughing an awful lot over there."

"I think..."  Twilight started to feel a little dizzy; as time went on after the encounter, her body started to experience a gradual change in how it felt, especially with regards to her balance, reaction time and thought processes.  "I think I'm alright...  Does the room feel kinda...  Spinny to you?"

"Spinny?"  Spike cocked his head and couldn't help but smirk at the strange description.  "No...  It actually feels kinda roomy to me."  The little dragon snickered into his forearm at the joke.

Twilight sat down on the floor, propping her back against the doorway to her basement and almost forgetting about the burning pile of flammable matter inside.  Smoke was dribbling up through the crack under the door, but Twilight was far more interested in the opposite wall since she had taken Spike's little joke as a deep and profound statement.

"Spike...  Rooms aren't made of walls, but without walls there aren't any rooms."  The thought had never occurred to Twilight, or if it did she scoffed at herself for how idiotic it was, but this time it left a resounding impression on her view the spatial organization of the entire universe, and she had to know more.

"You're right, Twi...  Does that mean that if there aren't any rooms then there can't be any walls?"  Spike had the mental image of himself taking down walls and then having the entire room inside them disappear into a black hole.

Twilight gave a little pause before answering, "I have no idea."  That reply was honest and pure, if not a little impaired.  Spike, now convinced that the walls were going to disappear if he didn't sit near Twilight, stood up and trotted over to his best friend and boss, plopping down next to her and laying his spines back against the door.  "Wait a minute, Spike...  The library is a tree.  So that means that the walls are the tree.  This entire library, walls and all, is alive."

Spike's mind was so sufficiently blown from that statement that the only appropriate reaction was to space out, and space out he did.  Nothing on the two square inches of wall that he had fixated on could have gone by without his noticing, but Twilight was far less focused.  She had something close to a nervous breakdown; all the problems of the universe rested on her shoulders to solve: Who delivers the mailmare's mail?  What does Fluttershy do with the bodies after her animals die?  What's the meaning of life?  How do they get popcorn to stay inside those little tiny kernels?  Truly titanic questions, all.

Twilight's lungs had at least cleared of the sticky liquid fire feeling, so she felt like she could finally relax with all of that fresh air flowing through the room.  At about that time, she realized that the position she was sitting in was the most comfortable she'd been in a very long time.  Apparently the solution to all sleep problems was to prop yourself up, slouched as you possibly could, against a solid oak door with a hardwood floor beneath you: it was the absolute definition of relaxation.

"Twilight?"  Spike's voice trailed out in the periphery of Twilight's hearing, bringing her away from the brink of sleep and back into the somewhat goofy world of the living.  The entire world was slowly rotating to the right, but it never made any progress: the only explanation was that the sun must have stopped and the world started turning in order to keep the sunrise and sunset going.

"What is it, Spike?"  Twilight was so fascinated with this world rotation that she stared at her assorted record collection, just to watch it turn and wait for them to play all on their own.

"Where to flies come from?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well...  I've never seen a baby fly...  Is there a fly stork?"

Twilight thought for a moment on this.  She could very easily have told him about maggots, but she found the image of a fly-stork far more amusing and so answered, "There's totally a fly stork, Spike."

"Duuuuude...  That'd be like a little...  Insect-bird."

"That's exactly what it is..."  Twilight thought that she was stifling a laugh, but she was actually cracking up so hard that even Spike had to join in on the giggle session.  After the jaunty laugh had ended, Twilight stood up, a tiny bit shaky at doing so since the world was still "spinny," but she was on a mission and no amount of balance impairment would stop her.  She walked over to her old gramophone and opened it up, replacing her Ludwig van Neigh-thooven's Symphony No. 5 with a dusty old copy of Bob Mare-ley's greatest hits.

The sound of unbelievably mellow music filled up Twilight's library, making her wander once again to her basement door and plop right back down next to Spike.  The little dragon definitely approved of the choice in music, and so was lightly tilting his head back and forth to the beat.  The sun was indeed shining, and Twilight certainly did love Spike, so the two of them had a long hug and began to sing embarrassingly badly to the music.  The innocence of the two made their interpretation of the song as a purely platonic thing frankly adorable, especially when they stood up and began to dance along.  Neither of them had a clue about how to dance, but they also didn't care.

Their "elevated moods" had made them feel as though every single song in the progression of the record was written specifically about their lives, so as they were dancing they even had a cry or two, then some laughs, but overall it was a really, really, really good time.  All good things must come to an end, however, and that was certainly evident to the pair.  Twilight, some time between dancing, crying and laughing, had knocked the needle off the record, so the music had quit and neither Spike nor Twilight had a clue in the world how to fix it.  Their response to this new problem was to simply sit back down on the couch.  Being a different place, however, this made Twilight a little bit uncomfortable (ironic since the couch was the most comfortable thing she'd ever sat on.)

Time passed, and I don't mean just a few seconds; Twilight and Spike sat staring at the wall for a good twenty minutes in complete silence, then only broke that with an unprovoked cough, then back to silence for another fifteen minutes.  Once this verbal exile was over, however, there was a pervading force throughout the entire room, something that couldn't be combated with simple reasoning, questioning, music, or even weapons.  They were hungry, and it was no ordinary hunger either; they wanted every single flavor that ever existed.

Twilight turned her head to Spike, who turned his head toward Twilight in approximately the same second, letting the two of them communicate almost telepathically.  Twilight's eyes were bright red, reminding Spike almost of sliced tomatoes, while Spike's eyes resembled the tops of fresh cut strawberries, which sent the two of them scrambling into the kitchen.  They tore the cabinets open, gathering up anything they could to relieve them of that demonic hunger, but couldn't find anything substantial enough to staple the concoction of spices and dry ingredients they had put together.  Spike groaned in frustration, but Twilight continued to use her top of the line intellect to solve their problem.  The solution was a simple one, really, and came in exactly three words: Sugar Cube Corner.

"W-What do you mean 'all of it'?"  Pinkie Pie stuttered and sat behind the counter at Sugar Cube Corner somewhat frightened by the unusual forwardness of Spike and Twilight.

Twilight pulled a small bag of coins out of her saddlebags and dumped it out on the counter; the little golden discs skittered across the oak surface like so many little valuable beetles.  "I said all of it...  Everything you've got.  We're hungry."

"O-o-okie dokie l-lokie..."  Pinkie Pie set a tray (packed to the brim with cupcakes, tea cakes, scones, croissants, and any other pastry under the sun) out in front of Twilight and Spike, making sure to move slowly and deliberately to avoid having one of her hooves bitten off.  Pinkie was shaking like a leaf, and the fact that Twilight and Spike immediately devoured every single thing on the platter right before her eyes like feral beasts certainly didn't help.

Twilight was at a loss for words (she wouldn't have been able to speak anyway with her mouth completely full), but every single thing she took a bite out of was the most fantastic thing she'd ever tasted.  She swallowed the mouthful of collective-pastry in a single gulp, asking Pinkie for some milk to help wash everything down.  The pink pony nervously obliged, keeping their appetites satiated as best she could; she knew her tail looked like cotton candy, and in the mind of Pinkie Pie anything was possible.  This included her friends cannibalizing her due to her food-like appearance.

Twilight and Spike absolutely crushed the stock of Sugar Cube Corner, leaving behind a wake of crumbs, cupcake wrappers, and other such carnage strewn across the counter, though they had paid for every single thing and then some.  Just as the two destroyers-of-confectioneries were about to leave, however, the doors to the bakery flung inward.

"Ah swear on Celestia's colorful tail that if I catch that little thief I'll wring his little thievin' neck"  The unmistakable voice of Applejack projected from the silhouetted figure as she stepped in; it was very clear she was as angry as she'd ever been.  "Pinkie Pie!  Have you seen a red-eyed varmint come in here recently lookin' kinda loopy?"  The pink pony stayed completely silent, though she darted her eyes between Applejack's gaze and the obviously stoned Twilight and Spike sitting hunched over at the counter.  Applejack walked over and leaned sideways against the oaken fixture, keeping her western casual look even through the clear anger that she was suppressing.  It didn't take very long for her to realize the state of her friends.  "What the f--...  You two are higher'n Rainbow Dash in an updraft."

Twilight and Spike didn't really know what that meant, but they laughed anyway.  'Higher than Rainbow Dash in an updraft' was an understatement for those two.  "What's up, AJ?"  Twilight asked the orange earth pony, honestly not knowing what in the world was going on.  Applejack leaned forward and loudly sniffed Twilight's hair, immediately finding the scent of her cannabis, even recognizing the strain with her heavily-trained nose.

"Ahh...  So it was you two that took mah, ehm..."  Applejack started her sentence and then looked around suspiciously, "Corn...  Phew, and here I thought it was that darn burro stealin' from my crops again.  Ah didn't take you fer much of a smoker, Twi."

"Smoker?"  Twilight cocked her head sideways, feeling like it would keep tilting clockwise no matter how hard she tried to stop it.  "Waaait...  Those were your plants?  Why weren't they on your farm?"

"Prolly 'cuz I ain't supposed to have 'em.  C'mon, Twilight, let's get you home before somepony gets in trouble.  I'll explain everythin' to ya after you've gotten back inta' yer own head."

"Okay...  Come on, Spike, we're going home..."  Twilight looked over to her little dragon assistant who was fast asleep on the counter.  She simply picked him with her telekinesis, wobbly as it was, and dropped him onto her back to carry him home.  Twilight left with Applejack toward the library, taking Spike contentedly along into the sunset and looking forward to a fantastic night's sleep.

The next day, Applejack explained to Twilight both the benefits and detriments of smoking cannabis, to which Twilight nearly fainted that she had ingested such a large amount of an illicit drug.  Spike feigned the same appalled reaction to keep his relationship with Twilight solid, but could later be found sneaking out to go get high with Applejack and Big Macintosh.

Pinkie Pie suffered a minor case of post traumatic stress disorder from watching everything she'd baked that day get devoured like a steak in a pit of starving wolves, and would go on to smoke along with Applejack and Spike to calm herself down after a long day, as well as to help her sleep.  By the way, yes, she and Spike did bring munchies.

And what happened to the basement?  Well, nothing burned down thanks to the fireproof desk that Twilight had installed, but her windows, scientific instruments, and even books all got covered with a thin layer of resin that she, to this day, hasn't gotten completely cleaned up.

~Fin