One fateful morning, Alfred the Destroyer of All Things Broccoli came to town. It was a Ponyville sort of town, and he was about to make himself everyone else's not-a-problem. Alfred was very hateful of small broccoli and large broccoli alike, which put him at odds with Princess Brocclestia.
"Hmm today I think I will do a crime." Alfred thonked. It was a good day to do a crime. But what crime was he going to do?
"I smell crime thoughts." Twilight Sparkle, master of smelling crime thoughts, ascended from the underworld. "Are you thinking a crime thought?"
"No I am not thinking a crime thought I am thonking a creme brulee."
Twilight placed a creme brulee in front of Alfred and then lit it on fire.
"Thank you your Highness." Alfred ate the dirt under the creme brulee and wiped his mouth with the fire. "It is delicious."
Twilight Sparkle descended back into the depths of tartar sauce. Alfred decided that now was the best time to buy an umbrella. It was a long time since he had owned an umbrella, because as a young child he accidentally stabbed someone with it and then was put in time out and the umbrella was put into a leafblower that sent it flying into a wood chipper that chipped the umbrella instead of wood.
A tear rolled down Alfred's face as he remembered all the fun times he had with the umbrella like when he put it through the wall of his school and made a big hole.
"Oh look it's a brand new human person kind of thing!" Pinkie Pie twirled out of a tree. The tree kind of looked like large broccoli so Alfred ate it after he made sure there was no more Pinkie Pie in it. Pinkie Pie shook his hand because he is a human person that walk on leg and breathe air.
"Wowiee it's a pleasure to meet a mare that is so well known!" Alfred shook Pinkie Pie's hoof after she shook his hand. "I cannot believe my luck today!"
"We will go to Sugarcube Corner and make giant cake!" Pinkie Pie declared. "It will be the best giant cake in Ponyville!"
And so Alfred and Pinkie Pie ran to Sugarcube Corner and made giant cake. The giant cake came to life though and shouted "FEE FI FOH FUM!" and started stomping around Ponyville.
"Oh no the town." Twilight Sparkle rose out of the ground again. "Where are the elements of harm I need to throw them at the giant cake."
"Fresh delivery of elements of harm!" Derpy shouted before she dropped a crate of dynamite next to Twilight.
"Oh goodie my elements of harm." Twilight lit a stick of dynamite and stuffed it up her nose. Her horn unscrewed and fired the dynamite stick like a guided missile toward the cake.
Big giant evil cake come to life went boom and died. To celebrate Alfred took out a small chainsaw the size of a small boulder and cut a big slice for the undulating entity known as ice cream. Twilight became sad because of this and so now she does not like Alfred.
"I want cake too?" Princess Luna ate her way out of the cake chainsaw. "I played the video games and now I want a snack."
Alfred gave Luna a small piece of cheese. As a treat.
"I am now thoroughly satisfied. Huzzah!" Luna ascended to godhood and turned into another moon. Prince Blueblood saw the second moon and transformed into Prince Redblood because he is actually secretly a wearwolf that wears wolves like his pet wolf Oldzibieuque who was sitting on his head.
"Oh no a wearwolf." Twilight Sparkle aimed her horn missile launcher at Prince Redblood. But Alfred blocked the missile because Prince Redblood didn't eat anyone yet and so the missile hit him and go boom but he is a big strong boy so he was not harmed by the big dynamite missile thing that Twilight Sparkle shot at him.
"Why do you keep standing in my way?" Twilight Sparkle wept. Prince Redblood pat her on the shoulder.
"Because I am saving people and ponies and you are trying to kill them." Alfred said calmly.
"That's rough buddy." Prince Redblood pat Twilight harder. He was trying to push her back into the ground because she was starting to float into the air.
"Hold on I have a boat anchor." Alfred walked away.
Alfred walked back with a big boat anchor that he tied around Twilight's horn. It was so heavy that it pulled Twilight into the ground and down into the center of the planet.
"Oh no there goes Twilight." Alfred looked into the hole. "Rest in pepperoni."
Prince Redblood sprinkled pepperoni into the hole to complete the sacred ritual.
"I HAVE RESTED IN PEPPERONI." Twilight's voice shouted loudly from the bottom of the hole. "I AM VERY STRONG NOW LIKE SPICY PEPPERONI."
"Yipee." Alfred said even more calmly.
"I AM UNSTOPPABLE AND I WILL NOW TAKE OVER THE WORLD BECAUSE PRINCESS CELESTIA ISN'T DOING VERY MUCH AND I AM CLEARLY VERY MUCH A VERY GOOD RULER BECAUSE I CAN MEASURE THINGS WELL." Twilight began to float out of the hole with the boat anchor still tied to her horn. Maybe Alfred should get a second boat anchor.
Alfred pulled out a second boat anchor from his conveniently placed convenient closet of conveniences. It was a brand new boat anchor that had a merpony sitting on it. The merpony waved goodbye as Alfred threw the boat anchor at Twilight.
"UNSTOPPABLE." Twilight turned the boat anchor into fillies and colts. They are orphans.
"Oh no the orphans." Alfred stated.
"Oh yes the orphans!" the orphans all said at the same time.
"Oh no they are possessed." Alfred stated a little louder than before.
"WE ARE POSSESSED BY THE MIGHT OF TWILIGHT SPARKLE." the orphans shouted all at once.
The Terrible and Weak Trixie emerged from the shirt of one of the orphans. "I will exorcise you all!" Trixie lit her horn on fire. It made the orphans not possessed anymore because the Twilight Sparkle that was possessing them was actually Twinkle Sprinkle who was afraid of fire because it burnt her mouth once when she tried to eat a firecracker. It did not taste like crackers.
"I AM DEAD." Twilight Sparkle was hit with one more boat anchor that Alfred threw and it made her fly up over to Canterlot where Celestia made a new student using her Student Cloning Machine. This new student is named Luster Dawn and she will be the new Princess of Equestria I think.
Alfred decided that the day was weird so he went back to bed and took a shower.
Author's Note
sleep is for the weak i think