The sky was a vast expanse of blue that day, and Celestia’s summer sun bathed the world below it in warmth and light. Creatures of all species and sizes were out and about, enjoying the day. There was one mare, however, who was content to spend the day at home.
She spooned another bite of peanut-butter-cup ice cream into her muzzle and smiled as her speakers churned out the soundtrack of her parents’ youths. Her black hair was tied back in a bun, a loose strand hanging in front of her face. She wore a carmine-red tank top and loose dark gray shorts, the grass tickling her bare hooves. A gentle breeze caressed her pale orchid-gray coat as she sat under the shade of her father’s tree. Puzzling Insanity enjoyed days like these.
A mauve-coated earth pony mare sat next to her on a lawn chair, a lopsided smile on her face. She had short silver-streaked brown hair, and she wore an olive-green dress. Heart Guardian sipped on her iced tea through a yellow plastic straw, then set it in the chair’s cup holder.
“Hey, Puzzling?” Heart Guardian said, looking at her daughter.
Puzzling turned the speakers down and looked back at her mother. “Yeah, Mom?”
The older mare tried to give her a heartfelt grin and said, “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Puzzling said. “What’s up?”
“I’m so proud of you,” her mother said. “You’ve been doing things all by yourself without complaining, and you’ve been thinking about others more.”
“I’m proud of me too,” Puzzling Insanity said, “but I’m still scared and confused.”
Heart Guardian placed a hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Why are you scared and confused?”
Puzzling took a deep breath. “I’m scared of the future. The uncertainty of it. And I still don’t know how to navigate the external and internal chaos going on.”
“What do you mean ‘external and internal chaos’?”
“The work of Discord going on around us and the storm clouds raging in my head.”
“Who in Equestria is Discord?”
“Excuse me?” said an indignant-sounding voice. Before the mares knew what was happening, a creature composed of mismatched limbs, horns and wings stood before them, tapping his lizard leg impatiently. “Who am I?! Surely they taught you about the Discordian era of Equestrian history in school, madam!”
“That’s Discord,” Puzzling Insanity said, pinching the area between her eyebrows. “He’s the Lord of Chaos.”
The draconequus nodded proudly, popping the collar of his shirt. “See? Almost everycreature knows who I am.”
“I thought that was just an old mare’s tale!”
Discord’s eyes literally popped out of his head and fell to the grass below. “Oy vey, you’re a stubborn one, aren’t you?” he muttered as he picked up his eyeballs and cleaned them off before screwing them back in.
“Try growing up with her,” Puzzling said, letting out a frustrated hiss and baring her fangs. “Mom’s more stubborn than a mule.”
“Now, now, no need to be insensitive toward the mule community,” Discord said. “I’m sure your mother isn’t all bad. Even with the lack of a filter and the apparent stubborn streak, she’s probably a wonderful pony.”
Heart Guardian gently squeezed Puzzling’s hand like she used to when Puzzling was a filly, calming her down enough to see reason.
“Yeah,” Puzzling Insanity said. “She’s been there for me since I was a foal.”
“As most good mothers are,” Discord said, snapping his lion’s paw’s fingers. A therapy couch appeared under Puzzling’s rear, and the draconequus himself was floating in midair, holding a notepad. “Now, I couldn’t help but hear you say you were having trouble, and I quote, ‘navigating the external and internal chaos going on’.”
“Eavesdropper,” Heart Guardian said, receiving a gentle elbow to the arm in response from her daughter. “Well, can you help her?”
“Patience is a virtue, my little pony,” Discord replied. “I can do anything I want to do.”
Puzzling Insanity smiled nervously. “I just need help figuring the world out,” she said. “It’s been against me from minute one, and given how wild things have been in it lately, I need help figuring out how to keep my head above the waters of chaos before I drown.”
“Why would you want to stay away from the chaos of the world? What kind of life would that be?” the draconequus asked, an expression of genuine concern on his face.
“I already deal with enough chaos in my head,” Puzzling said, her eyes welling up. “So many problems, and I never expected to live this long anyway. I tried to end it all a few years ago.”
Discord’s eyebrows shot up and he dropped the notepad. “You haven’t done anything to yourself since then, have you?”
“No,” Puzzling said, shaking her head. “I’ve just tried to stay where I think it’s safe, and even then, I’m not safe when I have episodes.”
“Have I told you about a dear friend of mine?” Discord asked. “Her name is Fluttershy. She has terrible anxiety. What helps her cope is her special talent. She can communicate with any animal, and she takes care of them.”
“She helped me through a mental breakdown in a bathroom once,” Puzzling Insanity said, wiping her eyes.
Discord’s eyes lit up in realization. “Ah, that was you she told me about,” he said. “She told me about a mare who thought she was a monster but seemed to think the world of her mother.”
“I still feel like a monster sometimes,” Puzzling said. “Can you stop me from driving everycreature away with my issues?”
“The best thing I can recommend is listening to your therapist and taking your medications, unfortunately,” Discord said. “If I tried to cure you of all your eccentricities, that would be the antithesis of who I am.”
“Faust, I wish I were normal,” the fanged mare said, hanging her head as her eyes welled up again.
Discord snapped a box of tissues into existence and offered it to Puzzling, who accepted it. “Why would you want to be ‘normal’?” the draconequus asked, genuinely confused and concerned. “Normal is so boring.”
“If I were normal, then I wouldn’t struggle with basic instructions, and my foalhood wouldn’t have been so traumatic for not just me, but everycreature who knew me as well. If I were normal, then Mom wouldn’t be so stressed all the time. If I were normal, then I wouldn’t be a bad pony, or a burden to everycreature.”
“But you wouldn’t be you, either,” Discord said. “Your ‘internal chaos’, as you put it, is part of what makes you who you are. Everycreature has their own struggles, their own chocolate rainstorms, so to speak. But that doesn’t assign a specific morality or immorality to anycreature. Nocreature is born good or bad.”
Heart Guardian nodded in agreement and hugged her daughter. “You know I love you just the way you are, Puzzling,” she said, “and you’ve made my life much more interesting just by being my special filly.”
Puzzling wiped her glasses and her eyes with a tissue, then put the frames back on her face and smiled. She looked over at the draconequus. “Thank you for everything,” she said.
“Oh, think nothing of it,” Discord said, waving his talons. “I still have to give your mother here a history lesson!”
Puzzling Insanity laughed and spooned another bite of ice cream into her mouth. She enjoyed days like these.
Author's Note
Very loosely based on a conversation I had with my mother and my psychiatrist. I still deal with internalized ableism sometimes, and it's very painful when those thoughts bubble up.
