The most powerful magic known to ponydom
Author's Note
An incredibly dumb idea for a one-shot that wandered into my head yesterday as I was trying to pay attention to video lectures on semi-conductor physics. I apologize for nothing.
The most powerful magic known to ponydom
One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of –
Twilight squinted hard as she tried to make out the smudged and barely legible word on the page. This was the problem with dealing with old sources. Before printing presses became widespread, most books were painstakingly transcribed by horn, or even by mouth. Mistakes, mistranslations, and editorial revisions would sneak in and then get propagated down the line, even after more uniform copying methods were developed. That was why it was so important to consult the earliest editions, even if the horn/mouth writing of some of these ponies left a lot to be desired. The worn condition of some of these centuries old tomes didn't to anything favorable for their readability either.
" Huh. Well I think I can make it out, though that's definitely not how that's spelled, even in Old Equestrian."
She quickly shook the thought from her head. If her suspicions were correct, then a major disaster was heading their way and typographical errors would be the least of their concerns. Nightmare Moon was coming, and they had to be ready before she plunged the world into eternal night. She tucked her book away in her saddle bag and started galloping back towards her tower. There was no time to lose.
***Later***
She couldn't believe it. The princess had completely blown her off! Sent her to Ponyville to make friends of all things. How was she supposed to find these mysterious Elements if she was busy making friends? At least she was staying in a library. Hopefully she could take care of her duties regarding the Summer Sun Celebration quick enough to search for a relevant text. Would that be under economics? Sociology? If that failed, she'd just have to hit the streets for some good old fashioned field research. Admittedly, a larger city like Manehattan or Canterlot would be a much better choice for this kind of research project than a quiet little hamlet like Ponyville. Her chances of finding an expert in the relevant subject matter here was distressingly slim, but this was the hoof she'd been dealt, so she'd just have to make do.
***Later Still***
"You little foal! Thinking you could defeat me? Now you will never see your princess, or your sun! The night will last forever!" Nightmare Moon gave an evil laugh as she stood among the shards of the former elements. Now nothing could stop her usurpation of the throne. The purple unicorn seemed undeterred, however.
"You think you can destroy The Elements of Whore Money just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Whore Money are right here."
"WHAT? Wait, did you just say—"
"Applejack, with her entrepreneurial spirit and cool level headedness, represents the spirit of...Business Sense!"
"Y'all check out our daily special on the Appleloosian train ride. Half-off if you refer a friend!"
"Fluttershy, who always puts the customer's desires first and will accommodate any request, represents the spirit of...Adaptability! "
"Umm...whatever you wanna do is fine."
"Pinkie Pie, with boundless energy and unmatched passion for her work, represents the spirit of...Enthusiasm!"
"It rhymes with orgasm!"
"Rarity, who can turn any head from any street corner, represents the spirit of...Allure!"
"Naturally, darling. Do you think I spend 2 hours in front of the mirror each morning for fun?"
"And Rainbow Dash, with her athleticism and fitness, who can take customer after customer and never quit, represents the spirit of...Endurance!
"If the night lasts forever, then so will I!"
"The spirits of these five ponies got us through the challenges of this long and exhausting night, and through everypony in Ponyville. We calmed the public's fears and made those fat stacks of bits, and now we're here to stop you!"
"That's...what? How...why....also that's only five. But more importantly—"
"Ah, but we do have the sixth. I felt it the first time a pony started causing trouble for one of the girls."
Twilight's eyes began to shimmer and turn white as a cloud of raw magic pushed its way out of her horn.
"You see, Nightmare Moon, as essential as the other five Elements are, challenges will always arise. Villains and ne'er-do-wells and ponies who think they can get away without paying what is owed. It is then that the sixth Element is needed. One that binds and unites the others and destroys anything that stands between you and your money. An unstoppable force that no evil can withstand!"
The cloud of magic solidified into a massive magenta hoof.
"No...No!" Nightmare Moon took a step back in terror, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks at the sight of the arcane appendage.
"Yes. The Element of...A STRONG PIMP HOOF!
Nightmare Moon's cry of "Nooooo!" was quickly cut off by a magical hoof across the face, propelling her at great speed into a nearby wall. A cloud of dust rose from the masonry that collapsed down around and ontop of her. As she emerged, cross-eyed, from the rubble and tried to steady herself on shaking hooves, it was followed up by another and another. This went on for a few minutes, further degrading the state of the surrounding ruins, but an understanding was inevitably reached. The sun dawned once again on the land of Equestria.
Twilight would eventually go on to start a highly successful brothel chain called "Friendship", and even founded an associated "School of Friendship" to teach others all she had learned. The nation flourished under her teachings, becoming both a diplomatic and economic powerhouse thanks to a surge in international tourism. And thus, the land was blessed with peace and whore money forevermore.
