Twilight Sparkle Goes Old School

by MrNumbers

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 3893

The oldest of schools, the youngest of students.

Twilight Sparkly has completely, irrevocably betrayed Celestia's trust.

She was to be incarcerated into a dungeon in the place she was banished…

But Celestia can think of a worse fate.

Twilight Sparkle must complete magic kindergarten, again. Or else.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-03 23:50:01 UTC

Crime and Pun-ishment

It had all started over cake. Lousy, good for nothing cake.

"Twilight Sparkle!"

"I'm so sorry, Princess, but it was for your own good!" Twilight pleaded at the furious monarch's hooves.

"Please, Sister, think of the good w-"

"Silence, Luna!" a low growl rolled from Celestia's lips as she stared down her 'beloved' sister, "You, too, would see fit to *betray** me once more, so soon after your return?"*

Twilight stared, open mouthed, "Surely, your *highness"** her voice dripped with sarcasm, overflowing with barely-restrained malice, "You're overreac-"*

"I am not over-reacting to this foul subterfuge, whelp."* Celestia boomed.*

A purple hoof furiously stomped the ornate marble tile, cracking it, giving even Luna pause, and Twilight was on *her** side.*

"You forget, Princess, that I study under you for your knowledge, not your power. It is far more than apparent to the both of us who the more powerful spell-caster is." Twilight's eyes gleamed, dark pupils washed out to the purest of whites, whiter than snow, "If we had staged a coup, this would have been a different matter. We would have won, for instance, in mere moments. We did not. Princess, we put you on a diet for your own good."

"I do not need to diet!"* Celestia shrieked, her usual mantle of grace falling from her shoulders and forever marred in Twilight's eyes. Luna just sighed a low, defeated sigh.*

"You have gotten plump your highness. Round. Rotund. Hefty." Twilight furiously approached the ruler, who had started to gaze around the room searching for an exit she knew for a fact wasn't there, "You move the sun, but I'm no longer sure that isn't just your gravity, the royal tailors have started measuring your inseam in *lightyears** your highness, or should I say your royal wideness?!"*

Luna shook her head sadly. This could never end well.

"Well!" Celestia shrilled, "At least I wasn't a lush like Luna be-"

*Slap*

"No." Twilight simply stated as the glow from her horn dissipitated, but not the glow from her eyes. None looked more shocked than Luna herself, though Celestia rubbed a hoof against her affronted cheek, an amusingly stunned look on her usually so impassive face.

"T-Tw-Twilight?" Luna stammered in apprehension.

"I get you're on a sugar low, your wideness, but that does not excuse what you just said." Twilight was on fire, literally, tendrils of smoke drifted from her mane as her unchecked magic escaped in the lowest form of entropy; heat. Her voice, however, was as cold as a Windigo in the shadow of a night's breeze.

"What, do you 'like' her, do you?!" Celestia snapped

Well, until the realization kicked in at least.

"You do... You have a crush on Luna." Celestia breathed.

Luna blushed. Twilight sneered as the adrenaline surged through her allowing her to make dumb, bad, awful decisions effortlessly.

Twilight said one word, one word that would be the harbinger of all things to come. Two syllables that would forever seal her fate.

"Jealous?"

Luna's blush drained from her face, going as alabaster white as her sister, whilst Celestia turned red with irate irateness.

She was too furious  to think of a second adje- Furious! That's it! She was red with irate fury.

"I am most cetainleek eei eep chi!" Celestia squealed indignantly. Indecipherable to all but Twilight and Luna who had been around Celestia for most of their natural lives.

"Really?" Twilight deadpanned.

More high pitched squeaks and squeals as Celestia attempted to regain her composure.

"That is none of your business!" Luna shrieked in kind, her face a raspberry swirl of horrified paleness and mortified blush.

"With whipped cream." Twilight nodded, causing Luna to hide behind her mane and blend into the shadows. It might have worked at night, but in broad daylight?

The monarch of the sun made some rather undignified high-pitched gurgles.

"Yes, the whipped cream we are denying you to eat. Luna, however-"

Windows cracked as Celestia tilted. As Luna made a valiant effort to melt into the floor Celestia's body tilted on a dangerous angle, her left half attempting to step back in shock, her right half taking a step forward in rage.

It speaks to the tension of the situation that when Celestia finally toppled Twilight didn't even blink.

"That is EET!" Celestia squeaked, going so far into illegibility she reached a semblance of recognition from the other end,

"Twilight Sparkle! For the crime of treason!-""I was in defence of the Royal Waistline!""-You are banished from Equestria! To be imprisoned in a dark dungeon in the place you were banished to!"

Twilight paused in her advance in shock. She blinked the glowing energy out of her eyes, the last of the adrenaline and energy leaving her body in a rush.

"Celestia!" Luna admonished. Celestia shot her a glare and Luna once more became one with the floor.

"You were the one that ordered the royal chefs to switch to a low fat, low sodium, low sugar diet, *dear** sister." Celestia hissed, "You are lucky most of my ire is directed towards my faithful student right now."*

"B-banishment?" Twilight stammered, falling on her plot as her hind legs gave way whilst her brain was focused on more important concerns than such petty things as 'remaining upright'. "But what of my studies of friendship?" Twilight cried, all defiance in her well beyond the horizon. "What of my friends?"

"You should have learned, by now Twilight, tha-"

The air grew silent, not even the sound of breathing filled the chamber. Beads of sweat dropped down the back of Twilight's neck as Celestia's suddenly all-too-calm expression drove into her. Those flat, impassive eyes, not a single emotion passed their watery depths.

Least of all mercy.

"Twilight Sparkle, your punishment shall not be banishment." Not Celestia, her mentor, but The reigning Princess of the Day addressed the trembling unicorn, "You are instead to be sent to remedial classes, to learn of your mistakes. These mistakes are of such an inconceivably foalish level that I find only one level deemed fitting of your... Lapses in judgement."

Twilight's eyes slammed open like a whip crack, but her face read far more like that of something that had *been** whipped.*

"Princess?! Surely you aren't suggesting I redo my doctorate in dietary medicine?! I know you disagree with my diagnosis, but we ho-"

"No, Twilight. You are hereby mandated to pass magic Kindergarten."

"As a teacher?"

"No."

It had all started with cake.

"Twilight Sparkle!" Miss Butterscotch admonished, "You can day-dream in naptime like the rest of the class."

The scholar, Doctor Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn with more letters after her name than in it, grumbled and went back to stacking colourful blocks.

The School Belle Tolls For Thee

"I am so sorry for my sister's rash actions, Twilight Sparkle." Luna's horn's familiar ethereal glow diminished, as did its twin glow around the little unicorn.

"Thank you, Woona". Twilight Sparkle through her tiny hooves over her tiny mouth.

The royal princess of the night sky, dominion over the stars and moon, famed in song and legend for her impassive grace and nobility-

-Rolled around on the floor laughing her plot off, tears glistening in her eyes.

"It's not funny!"

"Me thinks the filly doth protest too much!"

"But I'm not a filly!" Twilight Sparkle pouted, stamping a tiny hoof in frustration.

This was met with another snort from Luna and another barrage of Royal Canterlot Laughter.

"It's not fair!" The little filly stamped her hoof again, "I didn't get bwaces until the second gwade. I can't help tawking wike this. I'm out of pwactice!"

"Thou art so adorable!"

"Yeah, well, you keep slipping back into ye olde fracyerred equiish!" Twilight accused. "If I can't grow up to your level, I'll bwing you down to my level!" Twilight proceeded to pur, then throw her hooves over her muzzle again.

"Knee height, being thy level, it seems!" Luna's legs were pinwheeling freely in the air now. "Didest thou honestly just purr at us, like a kitten?"

"It was meant to be a scawy gwowl, I sweah!"

"The only thing we are scared of is laughing to death! Oh, air, air!" Luna hacked and wheezed to no avail, Twilight had taken to furiously assaulting her.

"Nrrgh! Take that, ear!" Yelled the 'filly' between chomps.

"Stop-Stop!" Luna squealed tossing her head back and forth, Twilight managing to avoid being sent flying by nibbling a little harder.

"It's so ticklish!"

"Gnarr gnarr nom!" came the witty rebuttal, harnessing all of the unicorn's insurmountable dry wit.

"We cannot go on like this all morning! School starts in a- Ow! Bad Twilight! Time out! Go sit in the corner and think about what you- Ow! Ow! Ow! But you get a cute uniform and arrghh, out of the mane!"

"I'm only an hour late!" Twilight gaped at the large clock adorning Princess Celestia's Kindergarten for Gifted Colts and Fillies."

"Only an hour?!" Moaned the wounded pegasus guard to her right.

The one on the left just whimpered.softly and nursed his bruised everywhere.

"I was sure I could have held out for at least another hour!"

"Stop crying, Nimbus, she's just a filly," the guard on the right growled.

"She did such horrible things! How could such evil be so-"

Twilight looked up at the guard known as Nimbus.

"She... She's doing it again, Wasp." The elite royal guard whimpered.

"Don't. Look. Nimbus."

"But, her eyes... They're so cute... And that tiny little frown!"

"Close your eyes and don't let go, you fool, you'll doom us all!"

Twilight sniffled.

"Gah! No!"

"Don't let her- Oh no, she got the juicebox!"

Twilight sat between the two hardened veterans, wet faced, slurping on a little carton of applejuice. The box fell to the ground with a hollow 'thuck'.

"I wan out of juice..." Twilight's watery gaze pierced right into Wasp's soul.

"I-I'll go get some more!"

"No!" Nimbus shrieked after his fleeing partner, "Don't leave me alone with her!"

The remaining guard felt a soft weight wrap around a foreleg.

"Pwease don't make me go to school, mister..."

Nimbus fell to the ground with a soft thud, clutching his chest.

Twilight began to trot off in the opposite direction.

Thank you, Rarity. You helped get us to the gala and, by Luna's delicious flank, you might just help me out of this mess. I wonder what she's doing right now?

"Thanks, Sis!"

"Oh, Sweetie Belle," Rarity bit her lower lip, eyes watering, "I'm so so proud of you!"

"Rarity! Stop hugging me, it's embarrassing! What'll the everyone think?!"

"Hey!" Rarity scolded, pushing away from Sweetie for a moment, still leaning in close enough to whisper, "At least I took the bullet in taking you today. Anything you think you lose in reputation from being seen hugging moi, who I can assure you managed to turn several stallions *and their marefriends** heads on the way here from the train station, you gain in being seen with me instead of Mum and Dad.* "

Sweetie grinned a genuine grin and buried herself into her big sister again.

"Love you big sis."

Rarity just hugged tighter and let out a little squeak.

"Ah, Rarity?"

"Mmm?"

"You can let go now."

"I know, dear, I know."

"Please let go now? It's getting harder to breathe..."

"A few more seconds, please?"

"G-grandma? Is that you? What's that bright light?"

"Sorry! Sorry!" Rarity flinched as Sweetie gasped and wretched.

"What did you do that for?!" Sweetie squeaked, though whether from indignation or oxygen deprivation was anypony's guess.

"Because I love you so much. Now, if you agree that that never, ever happened, I'll buy you some icecream."

Sweetie looked up at Rarity, eyebrow raised.

"Two scoops."

"That's my girl!" Rarity wrapped Sweetie into another, albeit gentler, hug.

"See! I told you sis, now that other filly is staring at us!

Oh clop me with a hoofull of moonshine.

Why, why here of all places?

Of all the schools in all the world, why did she have to get sent to this one?!

Please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't see-

"Hi there!" Sweetie Belle cantered up to the hyperventilating filly, "I'm Sweetie Belle, and that's my sister Rarity. She's, ah, kind of a drama queen." She paused, gazing off to the side and tapping her chin thoughtfully with a hoof. "...Yeah. Anyway, so, what's your name?"

'Quick!' Twilight put on her best poker face as internally klaxons blared. 'Think of a pseudonym! Nightlight Velvet? Too Oediponial. Dusk Shine? Too masculine! Oh! I've got it! It's perfect!

"Hi, Sweetie Belle!" Twilight smiled sincerely, "My name is-"

"Tw-Twilight?!" came a startled gasp from over Sweetie's shoulder.

"Yeah." Twilight muttered, "That. Hi, Rarity."

Twilight forced her eyes shut as, for Sweetie, finally the bit dropped.

"So yeah, that's what happened." Twilight finally summed up with a bitter sigh.

"Goodness, I mean, I knew there was some animosity between you and the princess after the whole incident with the changelings," Rarity gestured vaguely with a hoof, "But for things to get that far out of hoof?"

"Hey, Prince Blueblood had to get his personality from somepony."

"Point taken." the older sibling nodded, much to Sweetie Belle's confusion.

"Did you really say that Celestia was jealous?"

The whole situation caused Twilight to feel a gnawing emptiness in the pit of her stomach. That was in the heat of the moment, of course, and hindsight is twenty-twenty. Whilst normally, and in retrospect, she had the ability to calmly, cooly and rationally call herself a complete idiot, she was also very aware that she had a way of... Losing herself in the moment.

'Pinkie Pie's eyebrows did grow back, at least... Eventually.'

To be confronted so directly about one of possibly the dumbest things she had done in her life was so-

"I totally bet she was, huh?" Sweetie Belle smiled mischievously

-Totally not the response she was expecting.

"Well, did you ask her pretty please to forgive you, dear?" Rarity tussled Twilight's mane before carefully restyling it.

"Yeah!" Echoed her sister, "With whipped cream on top?"

"Ahh." Twilight answered smartly, "Let's not get into that." She had, fortunately, skipped over that part, not being able to find solace in the adrenaline that had allowed her to say it in the first place.

'I really need to start practicing meditation or something, like Zecora. I'm pretty sure it's less of a pain in the neck than this whole mess.'

Sweetie Belle looked disappointed. It seemed to be affecting Rarity a lot more than Twilight, but she guessed that relative height would be a factor.

'I should work out a formula, effects of cuteness proportionate to size. I could see if maybe Fluttershy- Wait.

Before her studies in friendship, Twilight would have continued with that train of thought. As it was, her rigorous study coming to mind, Twilight remembered what set the train in motion in the first place.

"What's wong, Sweetie Belle?"

"I guess that means you won't be my friend, huh?" Sweetie moped.

"What about Applebloom and Scootaloo? I thought you girls were all still friends?"

"They aren't unicorns," Rarity explained, hoof clutched to her heart, "And this is a unicorn only school."

"That," Sweetie grumbled, "and they stopped hanging out with me since I got my cutie mark."

Twilight's eyes widened to the size of saucers. Her thoughts flicked to a fact she had seen in her anatomical studies about the eye being the only body part that never grows in size after birth before coming back to the matter at hoof.

"I hadn't wealized I'd been away that long." Twilight looked at Rarity in wonderment.

"It's been more than a few weeks, darling," Rarity scolded, "here I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about us all. Pinkie Pie, especially, has been missing you. Do you realize what that means Twilight? It means I, er, we, have to put up with Pinkie Pie's nigh-on weekly schemes to try to bring you back."

"Well," Twilight murmurred, "That kind of does explain why a scale replica of Ponyville floated into the library a few days ago."

"It actually made it all the way here?" Rarity raised an amused eyebrow.

"I just figured it was an engineer project gone awhy." Twilight shrugged.

"I guess I owe Fluttershy ten bits." Rarity chuckled. "I'll tell Pinkie you said hello, shall I?"

'She's gone so far out of her way to try to reach me,' Twilight mused, 'Just passing on a message doesn't feel... Sufficient.'

Twilight turned away from Rarity to look down, or rather stopped looking up, at Sweetie Belle, the white filly's head cocked quizzically.

"Rarity," Twilight carefully enunciated the hard 'r's, "Tell her I'm coming down to Ponyville, personally, to say hi."

Sweetie Belle beamed at Twilight, causing her to mentally steel herself. Sweetie had given her inspiration but-

"Tell her I'm bringing her a present. It's going to be-" Her eyes sparkled, "magical."

Sweetie Belle giggled, covering a hoof to her muzzle as she glanced at Rarity, heaving a sigh at the obvious, and terrible, pun.

"I will not stoop to cheap puns Twilight. I am a lady with standards, I shall not stoop down to-"

"Pweeassse" Twilight sat on her haunches, staring at Rarity with a big, sappy gaze.

The older pony was hardened to such looks, she thought.

'Curses. I've only grown immune to Sweetie doing tha- Oh, who am I kidding, she gets better at it faster than I can-'

"Alright! I'll tell Pinkie Pie, awful pun and all, just, stop looking so adorable!" Rarity stomped, "If you keep looking like that I will no longer resist the urge to find the frilliest, laciest, littlest dress I can fit on you."

Twilight grinned easily, easily melting back into a role as Rarity's equal, despite her outward appearances. Powerful though she may be, Luna would never be able to mask the intelligence burrowed deep in Twilight's piercing gaze.

"Thank you, Rarity."

"Don't mention it, Twilight, really." Rarity called over her shoulder as she started cantering off.

Almost as an afterthought, she added a stern "Please."

"Bye sis!" Sweetie called after her.

"So Twilight," Sweetie was walking with the older-yet-somehow-the-same-age filly stride-for-stride. "You think you can help me with magic?"

A prideful spring in her step, an almost subconscious bounce,"Well, I am Princess Celestia's-" The realization hit her, punctured her, all the positive, bubbling feelings draining out through her hooftips. All that remained was cold, tingling regret, filling what it could of the emotional vacuum that Sweetie's innocent question had created.

"I... I was Princess Celestia's most faithful student." She whispered. Intellectually, she had known since that argument yesterday morning. It was only now, though, that she was truly realizing it.

Twilight Sparkle was no longer the Princess's protege.

"Are you okay, Twilight?" Sweetie asked cautiously as the two opened the familiar school door.

'Just as big as I remember it.'

"I don't know Sweetie Belle." Twilight sighed. "I mean, I still get to keep my collection and my room in Canterlot, I... I don't know what I'd do if I lost my books."

Sweetie nudged her playfully, a little self conscious about just how far out of her depth she was right now.

"Hey, you still have your friends right?" Sweetie re-assured her. The usual difficulties she would have in comforting an adult were, for the moment, cut short. "No dumb little heart on your butt would change that, right?" She added bitterly.

"It's a beautiful cutie mark, Sweetie Belle. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"Not... Not really..." Sweetie trailed off, idly kicking at some nearby scrap of paper, "That was always more Applebloom. I mean, Scootaloo and I just wanted to have friends you know? So, I find out my 'Super special talent'" she pours on an amount of sarcasm that impresses even Twilight, "suddenly Applebloom doesn't want anything to do with me."

Twilight's look of concern and incredulity gave Sweetie Belle pause. She looked down at her hooves, considering her last words.

"Well, I guess suddenly  is a bit unfair." She amended, "It happened over a while, I guess, and she didn't mean it. Everything we did is just about getting our cutie marks. It's not like I could get a second one, right?" She glanced back at Twilight, who simply shook her head in confirmation.

"Well, I am curious," Twilight glanced askance, "as to how you got this one? If you don't mind me asking, of course." She quickly added.

"No, no it's fine it's-" Sweetie assured her, a strange expression, almost thoughtful, crossed her features.

"You haven't talked to Spike either, since you left, have you?" It was a question, but she wasn't asking.

"No, I haven't," Twilight glanced away, "He's a baby dragon, but he's still almost as old as we are. Well, I am," She corrected, momentarily forgetting her... Situation, just taking it for granted, if only for a moment, that Sweetie Belle was, in fact, a pony the same height, if not a tiny bit taller, than she was. "I trust him, and I want him to know that. He deserves his space." She finished sheepishly.

They continued on in silence for a little while, still looking for the assembly hall. Twilight remembered where it was, sure, but she wasn't exactly in a hurry to arrive.

"You kept trying to send him a letter, but forgot you didn't have him to send the letter, otherwise you wouldn't have written one, huh?" Sweetie deadpanned.

Twilight coughed, choking and spluttering.

'How did-'

"Am I really that-"

"-Predictable? Yeah." Sweetie Belle finished with a smile. "Spike would always laugh when he told me that. He's fine, by the way, him and Owlowiscious are doing fine.

Twilight raised an eyebrow, the question left hanging unsaid in the tense air between them.

"I like books, okay?" Sweetie stepped away defensively, even as she matched Twilight stride for stride.

"So, no friends, burying yourself away in a library with books, you wish you weren't so far ahead of ponies so you might be able to make some?" Twilight grinned, voice full of faux chipperness. She frowned, though, as she analyzed her previous sentence. "Friends, that is, not books." she finished lamely.

"Sound like somepony you know, huh?" Sweetie giggled, a high pitched titter that melted Twilight's heart.

For the first time all day Twilight Sparkle forgot why she was so upset in the first place.

"She said it would be magical." Rarity finished with a dramatic flourish, pouring all her mind and soul into showing on the outside the opposite of her cringing, sobbing inside.

"Ooh! A pun!" Pinkie jumped, giggling up and down on her hind legs in a manner reminiscent of a theoretical flamingo-kangaroo hybrid. "She does care!"

"I know what you're going to say next, Pinkie, and I want to let you know-" Rarity unfurled a large piece of fabric from a bundle behind her as Pinkie Pie inhaled deeply.

"Welcome home Twilight party!" Pinkie squealed in delight, becoming a flurry of activity.

"-That I'm behind you 100%, Pinkie."

The banner unfurled, draping itself across Sugar Cube Corner's entrance. Though Pinkie Pie couldn't see it from her place in the kitchen, she smiled nonetheless, she just knew what it would say.

Welcome Home Twilight Sparkle