Stick to the Script!

by Sam Cole

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 11570

Ponyville is stuck in Twilight's books! This will be interesting...

After a severe magical storm hits Ponyville, the quaint village finds itself trapped inside of Twilight's books, acting out the stories. But the mane six don't care to follow the plot, they just want to go home. Of course, hilarity, randomness, romance, and Rarelight/ Spiknie/ Flutterpants and many more ensue, just because I can.

Edit: Finally got the source for the cover pic. Just follow the link to like, fave, follow.

Published 2012-11-15 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-25 19:56:12 UTC

Storming Oz!

Literary Appeal

By Sam Cole

Chapter One: Storming Oz!

“To Twilight!” Pinkie sang happily, smiling ear to ear. She had set up a master party in the library, to celebrate, for today, Twilight had done the impossible and got her carriage license. It was an incredibly small feat actually, but Twilight was a horrible puller, as her last Winter Wrap Up had shown.

“Thanks,” Twilight weakly smiled as she and Rainbow Dash refilled their cups. “I never thought I would say this, but I’m happy to be out of that class.”

“Tehehe, well if it was easy, Applejack would get her’s!” Pinkie smiled.

“Darn it Pinkie! Ah told ya not to tell anypony! Ah don’t like them darn written tests!” Applejack yelled throwing her hat, but all in good fun, as friends will do. So their little party got underway, with the ponies dancing, and singing karaoke, and getting just a little tipsy. But it was controlled, after all, Spike was there, somepony had to set a good example for him.

But like all great parties, eventually, it came to an end. Pinkie passed out on Twilight’s sleeper sofa, while Twilight saw the others out.

“Thank you for the -hic- good night, Twilight,” Fluttershy managed. Twilight would have a word later with Rainbow, who was well aware of Fluttershy’s low alcohol tolerance. But the old friends still took to having a drink together.

“Ah’ll be seein ya in tha mornin Twi,” Applejack called happily, “Thanks fer promisin to help me!”

“No problem AJ,” Twilight called, “I think it’ll be fun to plot your family tree.”

“Plot? Nah, Ah said plant.”

“... We’re literally going to plant a tree, aren't we?”

“Eeyup.”

“Great. Yeah, see you tomorrow AJ,” Twilight chuckled. She saw off her ambulatory friends, and made her way to her own bed, stopping only briefly to tuck Spike in, and kiss his forehead while he gently snoozed. She then climbed into bed, to begin her nightly ritual that had persisted since she had first made friends, wishing Rarity was lesbian too.

“Why do you have to be straight?” Twilight groaned, looking out her window to the Carousel Boutique down the road. Twilight had loved Rarity almost as long as Spike. She fell for Rarity during the race to get the Elements though, when she really learned who the mare was. The generous, smart, brave, caring mare. Beauty as a concept was lost on Twilight though, she loved Rarity for the mare, and couldn’t give two road apples about how she looked. “Well, we’ll always be together in my dreams,” The lavender mare sighed as she drifted off to sleep.

That night, unknown to anypony, a storm drifted silently over the town. A very peculiar storm. It made no wind, no thunder, no rain. No, this was a forgotten part of the world, one that no pony, including the Princesses themselves, and ever personally seen. This was a storm of raw magic. And as raw magic happened to do, it made a complete mess of everything.

“Mmm, Twilight?” Spike asked, sitting up as the light of morning flitted through the window. He was not expecting to be up this early, or feel this weightless. Weightless?

With a look out the window, Spike yelled, as his fate became clear. “Twilight! We’re falling!” But the mare was not there, her bed unmade.

“Spike!” Pinkie yelled, hoping into the bedroom. “My tail’s a twitchin. Something's gonna fall!”

“Pinkie! It’s us!” Spike said grabbing Pinkie’s head and shifting her gaze out the window.

“Oh. Hehe, silly me.”

“Pinkie!” Spike yelled as the Tree made it’s landing. Books were scattered everywhere, all the windows shattered, but the inhabitants, oddly enough, were just peachy.

“Huh...” They said together.

“Let’s see where we are,” Spike said, leading the way out the door.

Setting hoof on the doorstep though, Pinkie gasped, looking down in horror. “Oh my gosh Spike! We landed on somepony!” Pinkie cried looking at the trapped pony, kicking comically. Her light blue fur and silvery mane poked out from beneath the house, but her name slipped everypony’s memory. “Quick, find some help! Ohh, nice horseshoes!” Pinke said gazing at the pony's hoof wear, a pair of ruby horseshoes.

With a great clatter, sever foals surrounded the tree house, all happily smiling and cheering. “Hurray! You crushed the evil witch!” The all sang out. Spike stepped in front of his friend, fearing the worst.

“Witch?” Pinkie recoiled, “That explains how these shoes magically appeared on my hooves!”

“No, you stole them! We saw you!” Sweetie Belle yelled. “Wait, Pinkie?”

“Sweetie!” The pair of pony and dragon said, realizing they were not alone. Spike and Pinkie together rushed the filly and her friends, hugging them. Right now, it was nice to see a familiar face.

“What’s going on?” Sweetie cried, looking around. “Where are we?”

“I dunno,” Pinkie shrugged.

“This is all so... familiar...” Spike said looking around, but he couldn’t quite put his claw on it. Just as well, because a large, shimmering orb was closing quickly, flying in it’s oddly deliberate yet carefree path. Touching down, the orb opened, and from within the bubble, a beauty of a mare stepped out, smiling radiantly.

“Hello, my little- Sweetie Belle!” Rarity cried, rushing to hug her sister. “Oh Sweetie Belle, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“Sis, need air!” Sweetie managed, wriggling free.

“Rarity,” Spike sighed, “You look- amazing.”

“Oh, why thank you, and I do say you look rather cute as well, with your little doggie collar,” Rarity smiled.

“Dog collar? Ruby horseshoes? Glowing enchantress?” Spike questioned. “... Still got nothing.”

Everypony just stood around, unsure how this was supposed to go, til another pony made the scene. This time with a lot of smoke and laughter.

“Muahahaha!” The mare cackled, stepping out of her smoke screen. Rarity almost fainted, looking at the poor mare in the hideous long black dress.

“No no no no! I will not allow this affront to fabulosity to go unpunished!” Rarity cried, taking the unrecognizable pony by the hem and towing them inside the fallen library, much to their dismay.

“... What was that about?” Everypony asked, looking around, rather lost now.

“Ugh, Rarity!” Twilight protested, as Rarity magically altered the horrid dress.

“Twilight!” Rarity proclaimed, “I’m sorry, I saw this dress, and I had to fix this. I hadn't even glanced at who was in it,” Rarity blushed.

“No no, it’s- it’s all good Rares,” Twilight sighed. Now she knew where this dream was going. About damn time.

“Please, hold still darling, I need to fix this,” Rarity chided as she walked around Twilight’s flank.

“Mmm, yes. Please do,” Twilight moaned. Goddess, this is so new. Mixing in a story like this, it’s heaven.

As Rarity fixed the hem, turning Twilight’s horrible little dress into a rather well fitting and flirty witch costume, something became clear to her. Namely, her friends eagerness to be touched as she purposely brushed against the white mare whenever possible. “Twilight darling, are you, alright?”

“Mmm, not really,” Twilight sighed, “I’m afraid.”

“Afraid?” Rarity asked, full of concern as she finished her work expertly. “Of what?”

“That I've been naughty,” Twilight giggled, brushing Rarity’s nose with her tail. “ I've been such a dirty little filly,” Twilight spoke in the most velvety and seductive tone Rarity had ever happened upon.

What in the world is going on? I must- I must be dreaming! Surely Twilight would never- Why am I dreaming of Twilight flirting with me? What is wrong with me?! She’s my friend! Rarity anguished mentally. Twilight rounded on her, and pressed her against the wall.

“I’ve been soooo bad,” Twilight whispered into Rarity’s ear. “I think I need to be taught my place. And who better to stop me, the Kinky Witch of the West, than the Sultry Witch of the North?” Twilight asked, moaning as the filthy words escaped her. “What says you? Will you work your magic on me, or do I need to work mine on you?”

“T-Twi-Light?” Rarity managed, shaking. Oh goddess, she’s really into this! I- I must be harboring something! How can I ever face her again, after this?

Drawing her hoof along Rarity’s jawline, Twilight brought the white mare’s chin up, and softly kissed her lips, once, twice, three times, slowly, deliberately. Twilight kissed the white lips playfully, yet with a conviction not lost on the white mare, as she let her lips dance to the song conducted by her lavender friend. It was wrong, so wrong, but damn it Celestia, did it ever feel good. Rarity had a bit of practice kissing, and this was a damn good one. Surely this must be a dream! Twilight would never know how to kiss like this. She’s a bookworm. But why am I dreaming this?!

With a small bite, holding her partner’s lip with her teeth, Twilight slowly pulled back, and let Rarity’s lip make the cutest little smack as she let it go. “Mmm, goddess, that was good. I think it was so good,” Twilight said as her breath tickled Rarity’s quivering lips, “That it deserves an encore.”

“Twi-” Rarity began, but the lips against hers stopped her, as only a tear escaped the mare. She was lost right now, confused. This kiss, even for a dream, was the best she had ever had. Part of Rarity wanted it to end, so she would not have to face Twilight with this memory haunting her, but every other part of her screamed one word: More.

Unnoticed by Twilight, a small amount of metal, a two ounce nail really, broke off and landed on her head. It was not much, but the mare’s eyes shot open, her actions into the kiss stopping completely. This isn't a dream. Her face drained of color, and she began to wonder how long she could maintain the illusion right now. Should she be honest, or have a bit more fun?

Rarity made the choice for her, as she pulled back, gasping for air. “Twilight, please! I’m so confused! What is going on?!”

“Um...” Twilight said, avoiding the sapphire eyes. “I-I think I owe you an apology Rarity...”

“Why?” Rarity cried, her confusion boiling over. First I don’t want this, then I do, and now I don’t? Make yourself up, Mind!

“Ummmm... I thought I was... dreaming...” Twilight offered. Rarity blinked, then felt the light come on. Her eyes narrowed, her body still shook, but now with rage.

With one blow to her stomach, Rarity dropped Twilight. “How Bucking Dare You?!? What the Buck is wrong with you!?”

“Rarity?” Pinkie asked, poking her head in and recognising the lavender mare lying crumpled on the floor. “Twilight?! What happened?” Pinkie asked, scooping up Twilight.

“It was my bad,” Twilight wheezed.

“‘My bad?’ You Bucking Kissed Me!”

“I thought I was dreaming. Please!” Twilight begged.

“You kissed Rarity?” Pinkie asked, lost as ever.

“I thought this was just a dream. Please, Rarity, I never meant to hurt you or your feelings,” Twilight cried.

“Well, you did,” Rarity huffed, but a glare from Pinkie calmed her down further. “But I guess I can’t hold you entirely responsible. I thought it was a dream too, actually.”

“Really?” Twilight asked, a sliver of hope shining through.

“Yes. I was wondering why I would dream about my friend kissing me though. Goddess, I’m sorry, but I hope that never happens again,” Rarity said, thoroughly dashing all of Twilight’s hopes and dreams. “Pinkie, would you please keep this between us?”

Pinkie made a bunch of motions, signifying the she was locking the secret away, burying the key, building a house atop the key, then moving into the house over the key.

“Wonderful. Twilight, I’m sure you just felt a little frisky in that dress I made, and you mistook it as one of those kind of dreams. I don’t think this bears mention again.”

“A-”Twilight wanted to correct her, but Rarity was on a roll.

“Excellent. So then, let’s get going. Twilight, you seem to know what’s going on?”

“Yeah- yeah I do. We were somehow transported into a story, the ‘Wizard of Oz,’” Twilight informed, though her gaze never left the floor. “If I had to guess, I would say the others are lost somewhere in the story, as the other characters. Though why us, I can't say.”

“Hmm, well then, I think we need to go see the wizard, no?”

“Yeah,” Twilight said, barely above a whisper.

“Then let us go find them,” Rarity smiled, stepping off. When Twilight didn’t move, the mare stopped, and turned to her. “Come along, Twilight, we need to get home now.”

“Wait, I can’t join you,” Twilight said shaking her head. “I’m the villian!”

“Oh just forget the damn story, we know where we need to go, so let’s just get there!”

“I-”

“Twilight,” Rarity glared. Somehow, the mare Twilight loved could also fill every ounce of her with uncontrolled fear.

“Coming...”

With a few supplies, the small gang prepared to head out. As they set hoof on the brick road though, a cry went out.

“STOP!!!!” A pink filly cried. “If you’re going out, we have to do this right!”

“What?” Everypony, including the other foals with her, asked.

“Come on! Fol-” Diamond Tiara began til Spike cut her off.

“Is this a song?”

“Ugh, Yes!”

“Forget it,” The gang said, stepping off.

“But- but I wrote it for you sis...” Sweetie Belle sniffed, unheard by the departing group.

“So Twilight, who do you think we’ll encounter first?” Pinkie sang as they trotted along.

“Well, the first character Dorothy meets in the Scarecrow. So I would guess Applejack,” Twilight mussed. They were finding that they could only get Twilight to talk as long as it was about the story, she was being pretty reserved otherwise.

“Applejack! Alright!... Where is she?” Pinkie asked, looking around.

“Hmm, well, it says Dorothy walked alone for days it seemed, but then the movie just jumps straight to it... So we should be close,” Twilight offered. Rarity sighed, and looked to her pink compatriot and the dragon ward she had, thanks to Twilight insisting or some story details be met.

“I’ll be right back,” She said to them, falling back to Twilight and out of earshot. “Hey.”

Twilight blushed, and looked down to her hooves. “Hey.”

“Are you alright?”

Twilight looked at the mare, and for the first time, Rarity could see the pain in those big violet irises. “No.”

“Is this about what happened back in Fillyland?” Rarity asked.

“Mmhmm.”

“You’re pretty shook up about it, aren’t you?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I’m sorry. I should have stopped you. But I was just so shocked, thinking I was dreaming that,” Rarity said, looking a little ashamed.

Twilight was silent, and continued on her solom path.

“I’m sorry my dress making provoked you into thinking it was some sort of sexy dream. You must be so confused,” Rarity asked, her concern real. As was the damage she was doing to her friend.

Twilight shook her head. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

“I have dreams like that, a lot,” Twilight said. Rarity’s face stretched with dread, and it broke Twilight’s heart. In a moment of weakness, she lied. “About mares, I mean.”

“Oh Twilight... I-”

“Yeah, I’m a lesbian,” Twilight sighed.

“Oh Twilight, I never knew,” Rarity fussed. “Do you often dream... of- of me?”

“Rarity, I-” I want to tell you the truth, tell you how much I love you, how badly I want you. How I want nothing more than to make you happy, to hold you on bad days. How the very thought of you standing a foot away from me is driving me crazy. “I just- went with it. It was kinky, alright?”

“I understand. A taboo, no?”

“Something like that,” Twilight lied.

“Oh darling, I’m sorry. I was just so scared. I’ve never seen you so... assertive.”

“Yeah,” Twilight laughed. If you could see the rest of my dreams, you wouldn’t say that.

“Was- was that... your first kiss?” Rarity managed, trying not to remember the offending act.

“Real kiss, yeah,” Twilight nodded. “Was it, was it good?”

“I’m not comfortable talking about-”

“Oh I understand,” Twilight interrupted, not wanting to scare Rarity off again.

Rarity could see her anguish though, and decided it was not her place to scar her friend emotionally like this. After all, she had not meant it, right? “Yes.”

“Huh?”

“Mmhmm,” Rarity said, very slow and controlled, “Yes, that was a, a very good kiss.”

“Really?” Twilight asked, her ears perking up a bit, her tail riding an inch higher.

“Really,” Rarity said with a sigh and a forced smiled. Twilight could tell the white mare was not comfortable with this, but she was also being honest. Really, this was better that Twilight had initially hoped for. “Now, let’s find us a Scarecrow.”

“Yeah,” Twilight smiled, happy to be on speaking terms with her friends at least now.

“Stupid Birds!” Rainbow Dash yelled at the crows. “Leave my bucking corn alone!”

“Rainbow?” Three ponies and a dragon behind her asked.

Turning around, a large smile graced the flyers lips. “Heya! Come help me get rid of these damn birds!”

“Where’s Applejack?” Twilight asked, looking around.

“I dunno. I just had a gut feeling that I should watch this corn. It’s been so. Freaking. Boring.”

“Well, I guess if anypony in town needed a brain,” Rarity whispered to Twilight, making the poor mare snort with contained laughter.

“What’s so funny?” Rainbow asked.

“It’s nothing. Yeah,” Twilight dismissed. “Hey, Pinkie’s going to see the wizard, why don’t you join her?”

“Why?” Rainbow asked. “What are you four doing?”

“Just join her,” Twilight deadpanned.

“No. Who is this wizard?” Rainbow demanded.

“Rainbow, we’re going home, now come with us and see the wizard.”

“Gimme one good reason,” Rainbow said, putting her nose an inch away from Twilight’s.

“Because...” Twilight thought. She had nothing, really. But Rainbow did love one thing, “Because I will find out how this spell trapped us all in the story, and let you live out a Daring Doo Novel that way.”

Rainbow knew nothing of the spell, or that she was in a story right now in the first place, but that sounded sweet. “You’re on! Which way is the wizard pony?”

“Fol-” Rarity began before Rainbow just turned around.

“Lets try this way!” Rainbow declared, flying over the corn field.

“... Do we really need her?” Rarity asked, to a polite chuckle from the others.

“So we were all, like, falling and junk. And Spike was all like ‘No, I don’t wanna die!’ And I was all like ‘Weee! Do it again!’ And ….” Pinkie rambled on with Rainbow Dash.

“And all I got to do was watch corn grow,” Rainbow growled. “Bucking fantastic.”

“Well, Twilight got a cute witch costume made by Rarity,” Pinkie said, oblivious to her friends anger.

“Yeah, what’s up with those two?” Rainbow asked with her eyebrow raised.

“Nothing,” Pinkie lied.

Rainbow looked to the slumbering dragon on Pinkie’s back, and nodded. “You made a Pinkie promise, didn’t you?”

“Please, no,” Pinkie begged. “I’ve never broken a Pinkie promise. Don’t make me do it.”

“Grr, fine. But I can still ask them,” Rainbow smiled, then dashed backwards to the unicorn pair. They were keeping a small distance, mainly because they were not supposed to be there right now in the first place. “Sup?”

“Did Pinkie blab?” Rarity asked.

“Oh yeah, totally,” Rainbow lied.

“Fine, yes we tried to kill each other because we’re the witches. And I swore to kill you all if I was to live,” Twilight sighed. They had been planning this little speech for the last ten minutes actually.

“What?!” Rainbow screamed, and Rarity laughed.

“No, no. That was just a joke, darling.”

“You- Gah. Good one,” Rainbow finally laughed as she pieced it together.

“So I guess you want to know what really happened?” Twilight asked. Was it just Rainbow, or was Twilight acting really depressed, despite the joke?

“Twilight and I had a mix up about this being a dream or reality,” Rarity explained.

“So you either kissed each other, or Twilight said something really bad about us all,” Rainbow guessed.

“The former,” Twilight moaned.

“Ha! Wait, you girls kissed?! And I missed it?!” Rainbow yelled.

“Keep it down. We don’t want Spike to know,” Twilight said. “It would break his heart.”

“Missed it?” Rarity asked as the light came on again. “Are you perchance, a fillyfooler?”

“Not that it's any of your business, but yeah, I am,” Rainbow said confidently. “Why?”

“I just found out Twilight is too,” Rarity smiled. If this was revenge or matchmaking, was unknown.

“Really now?” Rainbow hummed, and Twilight blushed.

“Rarity, please,” Twilight groaned.

“Oh now darling, I’m just being helpful,” Rarity smiled. The white mare looked to Rainbow, and nodded and winked toward Twilight. Rainbow got the message.

“Hey Twi, if you want, I’d be willing to give it a try,” Rainbow offered.

“Rainbow, I-”

“She’d love to,” Rarity filled in. “Twilight, you should consider dating. Rainbow Dash is a great friend, loyal to a fault.”

“Yeah. I’d be down for finding out if we would work well together. What do you say, Twilight?”

“I-” Twilight looked up, her eyes begging for a way out. But there was no reprieve among these two. “Sure,” Twilight sighed, “Let’s go on a date, Rainbow. Whenever we get back to Ponyville.”

“Awesome!” Rainbow pumped her hoof, “I gotta tell Pinkie Pie!”

“No!” Rarity and Twilight cired.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to let Spike find out like this,” Twilight groaned.

“And I don’t think a ‘happy TwiDash party’ is all that fitting right now,” Rarity added.

“Spoilsports,” Rainbow said rolling her eyes. “So Rarity, is Twilight a good kisser?”

The resounding slap was loud enough to wake Spike and make Pinkie Pie turn around.

“Man, Rarity didn’t have to slap me,” Rainbow fussed as she walked with Pinkie and Spike.

“Why did she slap you?” They both asked.

“Cause.... I was a tiny bit of a jerk...”

“Serves you right,” Spike smiled.

“Eh, Rarity is kinda over dramatic...” Pinkie giggled.

“I can hear you,” Rarity called forward.

“Why’s Twilight look so... glum?” Spike asked looking back.

“She’s just told us something really personal. I think it’s still weighing heavy on her,” Rainbow said.

“Did she finally come out?” Spike asked, making Pinkie jerk to a halt.

“Spike, you knew?” Four ponies cried.

“Well yeah, I live with her. Twilight tends to talk in her sleep,” Spike informed.

“I do?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah. I hear a whole lot of ‘We’re both mares, lets have some fun.’” Spike filled in.

“Um...” Three ponies said, looking to Twilight slowly.

“Do I- do I say any names?” Twilight nervously asked.

“Not really, I think you're dreaming about Roseluck, Daisy, Tulip, etc. You keep talking about de-flowering and junk,” Spike shrugged, the true meaning going over his head. Thankfully for Twilight, flower based names were very popular among ponies.

“Wow...” The three said again.

“I’m gonna have some fun,” Rainbow squealed, then deadpanned as she realized she had said that, not thought. Pinkie started to gasp, as a smile started to form.

“Not now Pinkie,” Twilight said. To her credit, Pinkie nodded, with the fullest intent to live it up as soon as they were home.

“Now please, lets go find-” Rarity began before a southern drawl cut her off.

“Ah can’t do it!” Applejack yelled, clear as a bell.

“Applejack!” The gang yelled, charging to her.

“Girls,” Applejack cried as they came near, “Ah can’t do it! Ah just can’t!”

“What is it?” They all asked.

“Ah can’t cut ‘Em down!” Applejack cried. The gang was confused, then looked to the axe beside the work pony, and the oddly familiar apple tree in front of her. They all swore right then that if they were able to tell apple trees apart, they were spending too much time at Sweet Apple Acres.

“Is that...?” Rainbow began.

“Yes. It’s Bloomberg! Oh, my poor baby!” Applejack cried.

“Um... Applejack, we’re all going to see the wizard, you should too,” Rainbow offered.

“Why? And leave poor Bloomy here all alone? Never!”

“Applejack, come with us or I turn Bloomberg into a bonsai tree,” Twilight glared.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Watch me,” Twilight snorted.

“Only Rarity knows that spell,” Applejack growled.

“Heh, maybe Rarity told it to Twilight when she was getting tongue raped by her!” Rainbow laughed.

“Oh just tell everyone, why don’t you?!” Twilight cried, though hers was more real cry than outrage.

“What!? The buck did I miss?!” Applejack recoiled.

“Twilight here,” Rainbow motioned to the now blushing and nervously smiling student who was doing a champion job of holding back tears, “Is one hard core ‘fooler.”

“... Promise you won’t kiss me and you got yerself a deal,” Applejack offered. “Todays been weird enough it sound like, and Ah don’t need to go addin nuthin to it.”

“I Pinkie Promise then AJ. I’ll keep my wild lesbian self under control,” Twilight nodded with a grin.

“Alright. Now, somepony help me get Bloomberg outta here.”

“So up next is Fluttershy, right,” Applejack nodded as she was brought up to speed.

“Yep. She’s the obvious choice for the cowardly lion,” Pinkie sang.

“You know the story?” Twilight asked excitedly, hopping up and down.

“Spike’s been filling me in,” Pinkie said. “I'm gonna watch the movie with him later,” She smiled, and Spike... Blushed? Well well, Twilight giggled. “What is it?” Pinkie asked.

“That sounds wonderful,” Twilight played it off. Everypony was happy she was feeling better, as Rainbow elaborated the story to Applejack. The others let her, even though she had only heard it second hoof herself, her version had a few more explosions and tongue action. Like a Michael Barn film.

“And Twilight and I are gonna go on a date when we get back,” Rainbow smiled.

“Wow... Don’t uh,” Applejack started, but stalled, “Well, after that story, Ah dunno which of y’all had better do the watchin out.”

“Pu-lease. Her, by a long shot. I know she’s into the kinky stuff now,” Rainbow joked.

“Role play is perfectly healthy!” Twilight yelled back as the bush next to her yelped in pain. Twilight froze, then blushed as she realized she had stepped on some pony's tail. “Sorry.”

“Twilight? Is that you?” A small voice from the bushes asked hesitantly, where a long soft pink tail was sticking out. The gang jumped, not knowing they were practically on top of Fluttershy. She crawled out and six jaws hit the floor. She was wearing a very cute, if not rather sexy, kitty costume. She... really pulled it off, to say politely.

“Damn,” Rainbow whistled, making Fluttershy blush.

“I’m- wow...” Twilight said with a chuckle. “You look amazing.”

“Oh, I feel so silly. This suit is so tight, it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all,” Fluttershy said to the ground.

“Darling, you look divine. Could I borrow that suit sometime, to model a new lingerie line from?” Rarity asked.

“Okay,” Fluttershy whispered.

“Can I get a few pictures first?” Rainbow asked. “Yours rocks, Shy. I tore off my stupid costume as soon as I came to.”

“Me too,” Applejack nodded. “It was nowhere near that darn... flattering.”

“Oh, you all are just too kind,” Fluttershy smiled. “Wait, I can take it off?”

“No! We never said that,” Rainbow deadpanned.

“Do what you feel comfortable with, Shy,” Applejack kindly said.

“Well, I’d like to keep it, you all seem to enjoy it,” Fluttershy smiled.

“We need to hang out more,” Rainbow said very earnestly.

“Rainbow,” 5 voices shot her down.

“I mean really, am I invisible?” Twilight growled walking with Rarity again. “My costume is cute too...”

“Mhmm. It’s just Fluttershy’s charm, darling,” Rarity said in comfort.

“And Rainbow just asked me out,” Twilight huffed. She didn’t care to go out with Rainbow, true, but it still hurt that she was flipping out like this over Fluttershy.

“We’ll sort this out darling. I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Rarity smiled. And Twilight felt the knife in her heart twist again. At this rate, she was going to need duct tape to just live to the end of the book.

“So Applejack,” Fluttershy asked, looking back to the odd pair, “Why do we have the witches with us? Isn’t that against the plot line?”

“Eh, buck it,” Applejack shrugged. “We’ve done enough damage already ah recon.”

“ Shouldn't we stop?” Fluttershy asked, worry rising.

“Probably. Are we? Nope.”

“No, I mean we’re all walking right into the poppy... fields...” Fluttershy said as she stumbled forward and asleep, followed closely by her friends, all except for Spike.

“Girls?” Spike panicked. “Girls! Oh no, what to do? What to do? What to do?” Spike rushed around in horror. “Um, the good witch, no the bad witch... She um comes and, no this was a trap, and the Scarecrow and Tinmare pulled them out... But those two passed out too!”

Spike sat down and groaned. “I’m gonna have to pull them all out, aren’t I?... Buck it,” Spike said grabbing the first mare and pulling them to safety, one by one.

“Oh, what happened?” Rarity groaned as she woke up, long removed from the field.

“Poppy fields,” Spike grunted as he towed another mare out.

“Oh Spike, thank you for rescuing me! And first too,” Rarity sighed.

“Um...” Spike blushed. He hadn’t even realized actually, he just acted. Last night, she would have been first, but now...

“Actually, Rarity,” Pinkie said from behind, “I think I was first...”

“Pinkie? Really?” Rarity asked in polite shock. Is Spike... No, he would never forget about me... Would he? I mean I would love if he did, I could never return his love, and I hate leading him on. But still, it feels odd. Like a warm blanket has been taken away as to warm some colder pony...

“Oh, ow,” Twilight groaned, rubbing a knot on her head. “Way to find the big rocks, Twilly...”

“Mmph,” Pinkie snorted.

“What?” Twilight asked.

“There’s a hoof mark on your head. Some pony kicked you in your sleep,” Pinkie laughed.

“Really? Oh for the love of Luna...” Twilight growled. As Spike came back dragging Rainbow, Twilight stopped him for a word, asking who was next to her.

“Rainbow here. She’s jittery as hay. I got kicked twice,” Spike said as he slumped back into the field for another go at it.

“Rainbow,” Twilight said nudging the pony awake.

“No, Fluttershy’s falling. Catch her,” Rainbow moaned in her sleep. Everypony stopped, and let the information settle. Rainbow never talked about her guilt. That’s why she was so into Fluttershy earlier, she still feels she owes her for that accident as foals... “Rarity, no. Twilight.” Rainbow tossed and turned. Everypony she ever caught, she carried the weight of not in her dreams. “Opal... I’m gonna let you fall,” And like that, Rainbow began to smile.

“The hell you will! You will save my kitty!” Rarity ordered. Rainbow snapped awake at the command.

“Huh?” She asked.

“You were going to drop my cat!” Rarity huffed.

“No offence, but I would too,” Twilight said.

“Second,” From Pinkie Pie.

“Third,” Spike said as he dragged Fluttershy into the clearing, and instantly plunged back in.

“Ah- I- Grr,” Rarity snorted in fury. “Opal is a precious little kitty. She is perfect!”

“Perfectly nasty,” Twilight said under her breath.

“Why I never,” Rarity huffed as she sat down. Before her drama could continue, Spike came flying out of the field and slammed into the oak he was placing them all by.

“AJ’s a kicker too,” Spike groaned. Twilight lifted Applejack out magically as the others tended to Spike. Once she was out, Spike walked up to the dry flowers. “I’ve got some stress now, and I’m gonna enjoy this!” He said as he huffed a large ball of emerald flame at the fields, the fire rushing through them with extreme haste.

“Spike! The princess!” Twilight complained.

“Oh... oops?”

“Eh, she needs some sleep anyways,” Twilight sigh, giving up. “Come on, we’re almost there.”

With a great knock, the tiny hatch opened up to reveal an emerald colored pony with a great mustache. “No pony gets to see the wizard. Not no way, not no how!”

“She has the ruby slippers though,” Rarity pointed out nonchalant.

“Well, that’s a horse of a different color,” The pony said. “Seriously, you’re all different colors. It’s pretty neat, actually. You’re still not getting in though.”

“Oh for the- Spike, are you hungry?” Twilight asked as her enthusiasm waned under the stress of this journey.

“Terribly,” Spike said, salivating at the thought. A city, made of emeralds. It was heaven.

“Now wait a second,” The gatekeeper said as the locks began to slide.

“Go to town Spike,” Twilight ordered.

“The buck lady?! This is my home too!” The gatekeeper cried.

“What, I’m the villian,” Twilight smiled evilly. “I’m supposed to be bad.”

“That’s... strangely hot,” Rainbow smirked.

“What’s with the evil act Twilight?” Applejack asked.

“I’ve just always wanted to do that,” Twilight smiled.

“Come along now,” Rarity ordered as Spike made a large enough hole.

“Hold it!” A pony cried, another emerald one as they crossed the grand courtroom. “You can’t just barge in! You still have to go to the witches castle!”

“Oh pony feathers, this IS the movie version. Damn it!,” Twilight snorted. “Girls, dragon, hang on!” With that, Twilight enclosed the group in a large field of magic, and Teleported them all to the Wicked Witch’s castle. An army of Changeling looked upon them with shock. Their boss was in the middle of a group of enemies after all.

Twilight grabbed a random hoof, and slapped herself with it, lightly. “Oh no, I’m defeated!”

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry Twilight,” Fluttershy panicked. That’s whose hoof I have.

“It’s alright. Let’s go back now,” Twilight sang, whisking them away again.

“Um, what just happened?” One finally asked.

“I don’t wanna know.” Came the only reply.

“Who dares to interrupt the great Wizard of Oz!” The creature in the throne asked as the seven made their entrance in the ball of light pink magic.

“Discord!” They all shrieked, seeing the draconequus in the chair. “We should have known!”

“This grand joke? Muahahaha!” The villain laughed. “Yes, it is brilliant, but not my doing I’m afraid. I’m trapped here, just like you.”

“Why should we believe you?” Applejack yelled.

“My dear, have I ever lied to you?”

“Yes,” They all said together.

“Well, okay,” Discord smiled. “But only in good fun. This though, this storm of magic, it’s older than me even. So old, and so rare.”

“Get to the point!” They all cried.

“You all already know the end of the story. But I’m here to offer you a trade,” Discord laughed, rising to a table that had chocolate milk on it. “See my ladies, I can’t twist reality here, because this story is not real. I’m powerless.”

“I believe him,” Pinkie said. The others were more hesitant.

“Hmm, thank you Pinkie. So my trade, I offer me, reformed, or Twilight. Make your decision.”

“What does that mean? No more riddles!” Rainbow cried out.

“Hahaha, the longer we stay, the more of the character we replaced bleeds through. I’ll be completely good in a matter of hours, and Miss Twilight, evil.”

“So if we wait, Discord will never be a threat again, but Twilight will be evil...” Rarity said as she mulled the thoughts about. “Never! I will never abandon Twilight!”

“Really? And after she harbors such a strong love for you?” Discord laughed.

“You saw that kiss,” Rarity deflated a little. “It was an honest mistake-”

“Yes, in that she thought she was dreaming.” Discord said. “Leave now, and no amount of the story will bleed through. It takes the full effect to remain changed. But maybe you would like to hear about Twilight’s best kept secret...”

“There’s no pla-” Pinkie started, but Rarity stopped her.

“What are you getting at, Discord?”

“Rarity, let’s just leave,” Twilight begged.

“Oh, Twilight is a fillyfooler, no doubt. But she’s only ever had eyes for one mare. You,” Discord smiled.

“You’re lying,” Rarity said. “Twilight, he is lying, no?”

“Rarity, I never wanted to hurt you... I... I love you!” Twilight cried, tears rolling freely.

“Twilight...” Rarity gasped, and began to cry. “I- I- Do it Pinkie!” As Pinkie Pie said the magic phrase, Discord laughed again.

“Muahahahaha! Either way my little ponies, I win. And chaos will spread.”

“Oh Rarity, thank you. Soon, my love Prince Fancypants of Troy and I will be wed,” Fluttershy sighed as the pair sailed away gently, leaving the isle of Spurta well behind... Wait, that’s not right...

“Fluttershy? Are we still in a book?” Rarity asked. Fluttershy panicked, and hugged her around the chest.

“I guess. What book is this?” Fluttershy asked, letting go of Rarity once she saw they were safe.

“I haven’t the slightest idea.”

On shore, two mares were having an entirely different conversation. “So Achilles Dash, will you fight with me. Not for Spurta, but for all of Greece?” Twilight asked.

“You will have my sword, Patroclus Sparkle. All you need do is ask, old friend,” Rainbow smiled, then deadpanned. “Wait, this is all wrong. Twilight, we’re still stuck...”

“...Buck...”

“Thar he blows!” Sweetie Belle cried as Scootaloo readied the sail, Apple Bloom primed the harpoons, and the giant Sea Serpent reared back.

“No! Not my mustache!” He cried. He was in for a rough story.

“Um Sweets, what are we doing...” Scootaloo asked.

“Ah was just wonderin that,” Apple Bloom added, very confused.

“I don’t know...” Sweetie realized. “Oh well. Fire harpoons!”

“Pinkie,” Applejack cried as she hugged her friend.

“Applejack!” Pinkie cried back. “I’m so ready for this!”

“That’s what scares me!” Applejack cried, looking to their invader with fear renewed.

“I really liking this hat,” Spike smiled as he saw their reactions. “‘The Cat in the Hat’ rules! Come on Pinkie, let’s have some fun!”

“Yeah,” Pinkie cried to Applejack’s unending fear, “It’s time to Par-tay!”

Troy Ahoy!

Chapter two: Troy Ahoy!
Co Author for the Chapter is Clonetrooperkev. Hit them up and enjoy the ride.

Twilight and Rainbow solemnly walked to the city, ready to head out on their journey to bring whoever was Helen back to Spurta.

“So am I invencible?” Rainbow inquired.

“How should I know? Do you really want to test the theory?”

After serious thought, Rainbow decided she didn’t want to run that risk, and instead set about her next important item on her list. “I don’t want to go to Troy.”

“We have to do it,” Twilight groaned.

“I don’t want to.”

“We have no choice.”

“But-”

“It just is, Rainbow. Alright?!” Twilight barked.

“But I get really seasick,” Rainbow groaned. “I can’t even set hoof on a boat without getting queasy.”

“Me too, Rainbow. Me too.”

The pair walked onto the pier, and were greeted by the army of troops amassed, ready to give their lives for this most noble of causes. Except there was one problem. The numbers.

“Twilight, we’re going to die, aren’t we?” Rainbow asked as she examined her troop of 10 ponies.

“We don’t even have enough to run the ship,” Twilight groaned. “I’m going to have to do it with magic I guess.”

“That’s the spirit!” A familiar voice sang out to them.

“Oh hello Mayor,” Twilight smiled. “It makes sense that you would be the queen of Spurta.”

“Why of course it does. It takes leadership to maintain this great community we all have!” She smiled. “A community on the threat of collapse without our Princess Fluttershy. Achilles Dash, you are our greatest hero. Will you take war to the gates of Troy, for our beloved Princess?”

“Heck, I’d do anything for Shy,” Rainbow scoffed. “You don’t need to worry. I’m not going to let anypony hurt her.”

“Hmm, I’m glad to hear it. Take our entire army,” The mayor said, motioning to the collective.

“I’d call this a squad, not an army...” Twilight said.

“They were the only ones who knew how to put the armor on, alright?”

“Sorry,” Twilight blushed. “I’ll get the ship ready. Rainbow, you-”

“Patroclus Sparkle! You are a lesser warrior to Achilles Dash! You take orders from her!” The mare mayor screamed.

“Wha- Okay forget it. Fine, Rainbow, what should I do?”

“Um, what you just said...” Rainbow shrugged.

“Good. Now, kill those Troy bastards and bring back our Princess,” The mayor smiled. “And gold. Lots of gold.”

“Sister, it seems Spurta is on the path of war,” A lunar goddess dismissed, giving a slight chuckle. “I remember this war. Have we transcended time now?”

“No my sister,” Celestia smiled. “This is something else. But am I correct in spying my faithful student on the Spurta warship?”

“Indeed you are,” Luna smiled. “Well, this shall be most enjoyable. She is rather brilliant.”

“Yes. I’ll get the popcorn ready,” Celestia smiled, and cantered off. Luna smiled and looked back to the sea, to watch this war- “AAAHHHH!!!!!”

“Sister!?” Luna cried, rushing to the scream.

“Where is it?!” Celestia demanded, looking around the room frantically. “Where?”

“Where is what Tia?”

“The damned microwave!” Celestia shouted, throwing open a low drawer to look inside.

“The microwave?”

“It’s gone,” Celestia panicked. “The coffee pot! Find it!”

“Celestia, I do believe you are overreacting...”

“I’m not over anything!” Celestia cried. “I just want my damned popcorn and coffee!”

“Tia, it is alright,” Luna smiled.

“There is no technology in this castle now. How are we supposed to enjoy our coffee? Or our popcorn? How am I to take a bath without my tunes?”

“Tia, this is- Wait, no technology?” Luna stalled. “NOOO! My Computer!”

“Alright you fillies! Line up!” Rainbow commanded of her troop, as the ship rocked and bobbed to Troy. “It’s time to learn how to fight!”

“Do you even know how to fight?” Twilight asked her.

“Details,” Rainbow dismissed. “Now, I saw this once in a ninja movie! You all need to become invisible...”

“We’re doomed, aren’t we?” One of the troop asked hesitantly.

“Eeyup.”

“Fluttershy,” Rarity coaxed her friend, “Wake up my dear. We’re here now.”

Sluggishly the yellow mare got out of her bed and allowed herself to be dressed up and brought onto the bow to see the great walled city of Troy looming before her. It was a magical sight, and readily took her breath away. “Oh my. What a lovely city,” Fluttershy smiled.

“I know. Oh I can’t wait to see the inside,” Rarity sighed dreamily. “I bet it’s just loaded with crystals and gems and pearls.”

Forty minutes later, the ship was docking, and a certain pony was making his presence on the beach well known. He waved politely to Rarity and smiled a very dashing smile for Fluttershy, making the shy mare blush. Fancypants was a good friend of Rarity’s, but she had never seen the old colt looking this... regal. This... Correct.

“Hello my dears!” Fancypants called up to them. “How was your journey?”

“Quite well old friend,” Rarity laughed as she trotted down the gangplank to the pony.

“I thank you for getting her here safely Commander Raritus,” Fancypants bowed, and confused Rarity.

“Commander? You mean I’m not royalty?” Rarity slowly asked.

“My dear, you are my most trusted military leader. Your place is one of great honor at my right hoof,” Fancypants calmly replied. “But if you will excuse me, I need to show my love around her home.”

“Your love?” Fluttershy asked.

“That's you, Princess Fluttershy.”

“Me?” Fluttershy squeaked, hearing that she was not just a princess now, but somepony’s love as well.

“Yes, come my darling!” Fancypants smiled, “I want to show you to your new kingdom.”

“Oh, my goodness,” Fluttershy gasped as she and Fancypants stood upon the balcony overlooking Troy. “It’s- I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my whole life.”

“Yes, this city was quite marvelous,” Fancypants nodded.

“Was?”

“Well the city was sacked 1500 years ago my dear,” Fancypants chuckled. “I do not know how I’ve come to be here, or why, but I know this city is among the most beautiful of things I have ever seen.”

“Yes... Yes it is,” Fluttershy nodded, looking back to the walled city with a feeling of dread. “Why was it sacked?”

“Because we stole you,” Fancypants solemnly informed. “But after seeing your beauty, I do not care. I am proud to fight for a mare such as you, so kind and so gentle.”

If Fluttershy had thought she was blushing before, she was unable to define this new level that stole her words away. She was never treated like this, at least not so willingly or boldly. Most colts in Ponyville knew to talk to her, they had to get through Rainbow Dash, and that was a mighty feat. “T-th-thank you...” She finally managed.

“No my dear, thank you. You have saved this poor colt of Troy from a life of sorrow and loneliness.”

“You’re welcome,” Fluttershy whispered.

“My dear, I would love if you-”

“Prince Fancypants!” Rarity cried, bursting into the room. “Ships! On the horizon! Spurta has begun their attack!”

“Oh my. My dear, I do believe we will have to talk later, that I might get to know you better. But for now, our city needs guidance.”

“Yes, of course. Oh I hope we can end this peacefully...”

As the Spurtan ship drew nearer the city of Troy, a second ship came into view, and was within hailing distance, otherwise known as close enough for the pegasi on board to meet in the middle.

“Sup Thunderlane,” Rainbow greeted. “You commanding your ship too?”

“Naw. We Athenians listen to Commander Trixie,” Thunderlane rolled his eyes.

“Really?!”

“It was the only way to shut her up...”

“I heard that!” A certain silver maned unicorn cried at them.

“Shut up Trixie!” Twilight screamed back at her.

“Hey!” Rainbow cried. “We’re here to fight Troy, not each other!”

“She’s right, for now,” Trixie spat back. “But when we have taken over Troy, all shall know it was thanks solely to the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“Whatever, fine,” Twilight waved off. “I have a war to fight, I’m sure you understand.”

“Oh Greeks,” The singsong voice of Rarity greeted them over the water, amplified by some magic or device. “I have a friend that would just love to meet you.”

“Oh?” All the ponies asked together.

“Oh my yes. So without further adu, Here Comes Tom!” Rarity cried as she kicked the release on the trebuchet, letting the weight drop and fling the huge bolder out to sea to greet them all.

“For At-” Trixie began till she had her own face to face time with the incoming Tom, and was then simply not standing there anymore.

“Okay,” Thunderlane nodded. “Now I’m commanding. For Athens!”

“For Spurta!” Rainbow cried, and began the charge on the city, the arrows flying, the horns sounding. This was sure to be a great war.

The ships dropped anchor, and the ponies hopped down into the water and began running ladders up the beach to the city, trying to penetrate the walls. The wise would have asked the pegasi to fly them over, but somehow that never occurred to both history or this fight.

“Big Mac, Kick the wall!” Twilight ordered. “Caramel, give him cover!”

“Miss Twilight, why do you want Mac to kick the wall?” Caramel asked.

“Because he should either break through it or knock off the archers. Either way is good right now,” Twilight explained. She was in no mood to fight a long battle, hoping she was close to Rarity, and a chance to explain herself. “Can you do that Mac?”

“Eeyup.”

“Go to town then!” With a mighty kick, the walls of Troy shook, and several archers lost their balance. Another kick saw ten years of warfare in the future though, as Mac’s hooves shot straight through the wall, leaving him stuck. Twilight sighed, and decided to cut the story short by just teleporting into the city. She looked around, and was quickly treated to a sight for sore eyes. Rarity.

“Twilight,” Rarity gasped as the lavender mare appeared.

“Rarity,” Twilight gently replied, her vision filling with hearts.

“Twilight.” Rarity growled.

“Rarity?”

“Twilight Sparkle! How Dare You!?” Rarity screamed as she threw herself at Twilight, magic flairing.

“I can explain!” Twilight offered as she ran backwards from the white mare. “Please, I love you! I don’t want to fight you!”

“Who gave you permission to love me?!” Rarity cried back. “I’m not into mares, damn it!”

“Yeah, I know that! That’s wh-” Twilight was cut off by Rarity’s expert use of pillow warfare.

“I’m coming Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash cried as she neared the tower of the Trojan castle.

“My dear, I am afraid that pegasi is something we cannot defend ourselves from,” Fancypants kindly told Fluttershy as he hugged the shy mare. Fluttershy had never felt like this. It was wonderful, it was new. It was... right.

“No! I will not be taken away by some jealous mare!” Fluttershy said, putting her hoof down. “Fancypants, follow my lead.”

“Of course.”

Fluttershy stepped over to the window, and had Fancypants get her a megaphone. She turned around and hiked her skirt up her flank a touch, and then unleashed her greatest weapon against Rainbow Dash. “Oh, it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all...”

The words hit Dash, and all she could see from there on out was Fluttershy in her lion outfit. The words bounced around, and Dash fell victim to them. Nothing at all... Nothing at all... Nothing at all...

“Stupid Sexy Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash cried as she lost control and crashed into a fruit stand in the streets.

“So...” Twilight asked Rainbow as they sat outside the city now, covered in fruit pulp and feathers.

“Not going into it Twilight.”

“Fair enough.”

“Achilles Dash, what should we do now?” Thunderlane asked, looking defeated.

“Twilight, how did the story end?”

“The Iliad or the war?” Twilight asked.

“What’s the difference?” Rainbow scoffed.

“We die in the Iliad,” Twilight spat a feather out.

“... Okay then, the war...”

“The Greeks faked surrender, gave the Trojans a giant fake wooden statue filled with warriors that at night slipped out, killed the guards, and opened the gates.”

“I like that. Lets do that instead of the whole dying thing,” Rainbow nodded.

“What? No. Rarity is on their side. We can’t kill Rarity!” Twilight protested.

“It’s her or us Twilight. I know you dig her, but we gotta do this.”

“Wait, why don’t we ask to meet with them politely? This is Fluttershy we’re talking about.”

“That- That might work too... Thunderlane, you get started on the statue. Twilight and I will meet with the Trojans, try to work this out peacefully.”

“This is not part of the story,” Rarity hissed to Fancypants as the guards showed in Twilight and Rainbow Dash.

“They have learned to not trifle with Troy. If they wish to now talk peace, I shall hear them out.”

“Yay,” Fluttershy squealed, happily sitting next to Fancypants.

“Fluttershy? The hay is going on?” Rainbow asked, looking to her old friend.

“I’m happy here Rainbow. Please.”

“Rarity,” Twilight mewed again, much to the white mare’s rage.

“Stop that. I’m still angry with you Twilight.”

“Why? Because I had a crush I never acted on? That I never tried to present to you? I was happy to let Spike be in love with you. I just wanted you happy and I knew that would not be with me!” Twilight barked back.

“Twilight, doing more damage than good here...” Rainbow interjected.

“Well of course you would say that! But you still betrayed my trust Twilight”

“How?!”

“Why couldn’t you just step up and tell me this, so I could put your mind at ease by letting you down softly?!”

“Like you did Spike?!”

“That’s different, he’s just a child,” Rarity said, looking to the floor.

“Maybe I could have said something to you, but I didn’t want to run the risk of losing a friend,” Twilight said.

“Oh that’s a lie and you know it,” Rarity spat at Twilight. “How many times have you asked me to do a fitting for you? How many times have you asked me to do a girls night out, just us?! I can see you clearly now Twilight, now that you have shown your true colors. You’re just as infatuated as Spike, but at least he was brave enough to tell somepony. ”

“Alright, so I’m not perfect, but I’ve been trying!”

“Girls,” Fancypants interjected, worry in his voice.

“What!?” They both asked, rounding on the colt.

“Please, put down the furniture...” Both mares looked up to see they had been magically pulling all the furniture in the room together, pushing it back and forth. They set everything back down, both blushing and muttering apologies to the rest.

“Um, I would like to speak now, if that’s alright with you all...” Fluttershy offered, blushing as well. “I like it here. Please, let me stay.”

“Okay,” Rainbow Dash sighed.

“What?!” Twilight barked, rounding on her friend. “That’s not the plan!”

“Trust me,” Rainbow winked.

“Alright troops, let’s- What the hay is that?” Rainbow began as she marched out of Troy, and laid eyes on what her army had built that night.

“Do you like it? I call it Honest Abe!” One mare sang, bouncing up and down.

“Lyra, right?” Twilight inquired.

“Yep, that’s me,” Lyra smiled.

“Is that... one of those human things you believe in?” Twilight asked.

“Yep. This one was a really really cool one. He freed the slaves and fought vampires, I think,” Lyra nodded.

“Why is it wearing a stovepipe hat?” Rainbow asked.

“What other kind of hat goes with a beard that epic?”

“Why is it sitting down?” Twilight asked.

“To make room for us to ride in it!” Lyra snapped, getting hostile.

“Why the hay would the-”

“If you don’t like it, build your own damned statue!” Lyra screamed.

“Twilight?” Rainbow asked. “I like it.”

“It beats dying,” Twilight nodded as they readied for the morning sun.

“Do they really expect for us to fall for this clear ruse?” Rarity asked the next morning as they looked at the statue. “I mean, really? It’s attorcious.” When she heard no sounds from inside, the white mare stepped back, honestly surprised. “Maybe it is what it seems after all...”

Inside the honest Abe, two ponies held hooves tightly over Lyra’s mouth to keep her quiet, while the large structure was wheeled inside the city. The hard part was over, and now, to wait for night.

As night fell, the trap door in the Honest Abe slid soundlessly open, as the first pony slipped out into Troy, and right into a trap.

“Hello darling,” Rarity smiled. “It’s Caramel, no?”

“Yes ma’am...”

“Darling, this was a very nice try, but I too have read this story, and I knew Twilight would plan this. She is probably preparing a counter attack right now, which is why my army lies all over the city, waiting to greet her as she teleports in with all those ruffians.”

“Wow...” Caramel said.

“I know, but I have known Twilight for years now. This was too easy.”

“And that’s why Rainbow Dash made the plan tonight,” Caramel nodded as the statue fell apart, revealing the entire force ready inside.

“Oh horseshoes,” Rarity muttered.

“Charge!” Rainbow called out, pointing to the castle. They all began to charge, as a confused home team had to reroute, and try to head them off. Hooves flew in the ensuing chaos. Manes were pulled, tails jerked, and snouts hits. All in all, it was no more bloody than the market on a Saturday morning.

“Com’on!” Twilight rallied. “We’re almost there!”

“Not so fast!” Rarity screamed, picking up a bow in her magic. She notched an arrow, and took aim at Twilight. “No hard feelings darling.”

“If that’s what it takes...” Twilight smiled, trying to think of an escape. The arrow flew, and in a flash, Twilight saw her life go by. Huh, guess Rarity had a point about the dress fittings... In a blur, a certain mare threw herself in front of the arrow.

“Not today!” Rainbow screamed as the arrow bounced off. “Huh. Hey Twilight, I am invincible!”

Rainbow Dash turned to see the arrow that had bounced off of her was sticking out of Twilight’s flank, much to the anger of the lavender mare. “Really? You don’t say?”

“Sorry...”

“Just help me and pu-llll, whaa...?” Twilight began, then slurred as if drunk.

“Twilight?” Rarity and Rainbow asked, stepping up to the mare, the war forgotten for now.

“I’m so sorry Twilight,” Rarity began to stammer. “I didn’t want to shoot you, but I just couldn’t stop myself.”

“It story write,” Twilight slurred incoherently.

“What?” Rainbow Dash asked, confused.

“It’s the story. I had to kill her by arrow...” Rarity remembered. “You lament her death, and then charge into your own final battle.”

“But Twilight’s not dying. Is she?” Rainbow asked.

“I be okey dokey loki,” Twilight smiled.

“Twilight?” The two others asked.

“Hello floor!” Twilight smiled, and fell face forward.

“I’ll... avenge you, Twilight?” Rainbow asked to Twilight’s heavy snores. “Seriously, is she drunk?”

“Magic cannot kill, but it can incapacitate,” Rarity smiled as she magically picked up a sword. “Now I have the odd desire to kill you too. Do know it’s nothing personal.”

“What?” Rainbow laughed. “I'm impervious! Bring it dress maker!” She cried raising her hooves in defiance. But as luck would have it, she opened herself up to a stray arrow flying out and striking her in the left hoof. “Oh of bucking course...”

The Spurtans rallied behind this, the loss of their two greatest heroes. Their war cries filled the now hollow feeling walls of Troy, as the city fell that night to the 17 ponies of Greece. Tory was again sacked and pillaged, as those 17 ponies let it burn to the ground. It was a war for the ages, but two ponies never saw it through. Two more, Fluttershy and Fancypants, refused to be torn apart, having just found love in each others embrace, so they made sure they would never be disturbed, as only a gentlecolt of Canterlot would.

“What does a sock on the doorknob mean?” Carmel asked as they stood around in the tower.

“I haven’t the slightest,” Rarity shrugged, making her last stand here and now.

“Please do be quiet,” Fancypants shouted through the door. “My love Fluttershy is trying to sleep!”

No pony spoke, as they all slowly backed away, leaving those two to the rest and privacy they all felt they deserved now. Slowly, the 17 marched out, their prisoner Rarity in tow, and the once glorious city of Troy destroyed.

As the boats were prepared for the return voyage home, a crack of thunder sounded out, and the light of the sun came down to the beach, sliding away to reveal the two goddesses Celestia and Luna, and both looked none too happy.

“I want my damned coffee and popcorn, right the buck now,” Celestia hissed to the group.

“Wha-” Thunderlane began, but was cut off by Luna.

“Hurry you foal! If we have missed our clan battle in TF2, there will be a thousand years of darkness!”

“What?” Thunderlane stammered, fearing for his life now. “What coffee? What the hay is Tea Eph two? Why are you both yelling at me?”

“Immortals have a hard time adjusting to loss,” One pony nodded, speaking for literally the first time since the invasion began. “They spend so much time getting used to a changing world, that they forget how to deal with the absence of said technology, and begin to panic over it.”

“Aren't you the actor that plays Doctor Whooves?” Big Mac asked the pony in question, one Time Turner.

“Yes, that’s me, hello.” Time smiled to the collective.

“You had better knock that damned smile off your face, or I will,” Celestia growled.

“It’ll be alright now your highness, all you have to do is send us home. Surely an Alicorn’s magic can free us from this story,” Rarity offered with a smile.

“Yes! That’s it! Thank you Miss Rarity, when we get our computer back, we shall make a status update praising you greatly!” Luna smiled. “You will like my status, no?”

“Your wh-” Rarity began.

“Of course she will,” Time cut in, sliding in front of Rarity. “Just smile and nod.”

“Here we go then!” Celestia smiled, practically able to smell her starbucks coffee as she summoned all of her strength to send everypony home.

“Come along Miss Hooves,” The Doctor, or rather Time Turner, smiled as he ran down the street.

“But Doctor, where are we?!” His lovely companion, Miss Derpy Hooves complained.

“I haven’t the slightest,” The Doctor called back, “And that is why we shall find somepony with answers.” But as they rounded the corner, the feeling of hope that the Doctor naturally carried faded.

“Doctor, is that-” Derpy began from his side.

“Miss Twilight Sparkle as Shetland Holmes. Yes indeed it is Miss Hooves.”

“Twilight,” Pinkie asked her friend. “What’s going on? Last I remember, I was partying with Spike and AJ?”

“We are stuck again my dear Watson,” Twilight smiled. “Isn’t this wonderful? We get to live out a Shetland Holmes novel!”

No Literature is Safe! Who's Next on the Chopping Block? You Decide!

Author's Note

Hey Everyone. Thanks for the patience with the continuation of this series. So to make things flow better and faster, I'll be taking on co authors for chapters. Anyone can co write here, just shoot me a message. Also, taking votes now for what story you want to see next. Beside the a fore mentioned chapters of Moby Dick, Cat and the Hat, and now Sherlock Holmes, I am putting a lock down on the Princess Bride and Broke Back Mountain. Both of those have special plans already in the works.

Peace out, Sam Cole.

The Not-A-Cat in the Hat

“Now Kids, be nice and behave,” Cup Cake smiled to her two friends, though why she was doing this, or where she was going were a mystery, even to her. But it felt right, and she really didn't want to argue this point.

“Ya got it Cup,” Applejack smiled.

“I’ll be on my best behavior, Pinkie promise!”

As the motherly mare retreated, the pair of earth ponies sighed, happy to be able to relax the rest of their day away now. They walked over and turned on the TV, though how they knew how to do this, or that that was the right thing to do at times like this was beyond them. And after the last adventure, they didn’t want to know.

“Yeehaw! Mah Canterlot Spurtans are kicking flank today!” Applejack cheered, watching the hoofball game.

“You like college ball?” Pinkie asked as she pulled up a cushion.

“Do Ah ever,” Applejack smiled. “Ah wish Ponyville had a team so Ah could go to more games actually.”

“Wow, I never woulda guessed,” Pinkie shrugged.

“Whataya mean Pinkie? Y’all’ve seen my gear before. Didn’t no pony wonder why I had a helmet? Or readily available Hoofballs for the Iron Mare contest?”

“Nope,” Pinkie smiled, happy to crush her friends ego a tad. “I’m bored,” Pinkie sighed.

“Ah’m not, Ah got mah game on,” Applejack said, and all too soon. The TV went out right as Applejack leaned back, content to watch the afternoon away. “Ah blame ya fer that Pinkie.”

As if to fill the void, a knock sounded out. A normal knock, yet it sent a cold shiver down Applejack’s spine. The one knocking right now, who ever they were, was trouble.

“Applejack, I’m scared, and getting more and more,” Pinkie said as she cowered behind her friend. “You’re so very brave, you can open the door!” She cried, pushing Applejack forward, and dashing any hope of just waiting out the mystery Guest. So with a shaking hoof, Applejack reached out to the latch, and slowly tried to inch the door open just a hair. She was soon greeted to the visage of a small dragon wearing a tall stovepipe hat, and the look did not settle the mare.

“I hear you’re bored, stuffed up in your home? What to do, in this rainy slump, with nowhere to roam?” Spike asked looking inside. “My mares, I offer to you a day of fun. Oh yes, oh yes, we will shout and run. What fun to be had, I offer you gals. You’ll absolutely love it, my solemn looking pals.”

“Why are you speaking in rhyme?” Pinkie asked, giggling.

“Are ya gonna do that all the time?” Applejack snorted.

“Talking in rhyme is lots of fun! For starters, it makes your parents say ‘I’m done!’”

“Whatever you say, scally boy. I don’t care for your games or toys.” A voice pierced out, causing all three to turn to the source. A very smart looking owl, with a very miffed expression. “Dr Goose often gave animals a voice, So in speaking against this act I do have a choice!”

“Girls, listen not to this feathery twit. He’s only having a hissy fit,” Spike pleaded. “Let’s not dwell on his words. His advice is for the birds! No, let’s greet our new friend,” Spike declared as he pulled off his hat and let a large box drop out of it with a thud. He jumped onto the box and flipped the latch open, to a loud bang as the door hit the floor, and the silvery manned blue mare it held rolled onto her back, but did not move. “... Who has met her end...”

“What’s wrong with that mare?” Pinkie asked unsteadily.

“I forgot to add any holes for air...” Spike muttered sadly.

“Kids! I forgot to grab my purse!” Cup Cake called out as she trotted back in much too early, and laid eyes on the mare on her carpet.

“And now we’ll be needing a hearse,” Owloysius sighed, shaking his head.

“... What The Buck!?"

"My ponies, it looks like we're outta luck," Spike nodded slowly. "Cheese It!"

"Mmm, cheeze it's," Pinkie purred as Spike grabbed the mare and bolted down the hall, with Applejack quick on his heels.

"Spike? What are you doing?" Applejack called forward.

"I promised you fun and that is were we're going. Somewhere Fun."

"I'm having loads of fun!" Pinkie smiled. "By the way, was Trixie dead?"

"Are the Apples on mah flank Red?"

"Oh, that's bad."

"Yeah, I'm actually kinda sad," Spike muttered. "She had a whole song and dance routine planned."

"If Ah had to sit through that, Ah'd be damned."

The trio stopped in a room and caught their breath, but the sounds of the approaching mare was not that welcoming.

"Spike, we like ya and all, but maybe we should just skip to the end and do the clean up?"

"Before we really piss of Cup?"

"Yeah, I don't want an angry boss. I hate that more then having to floss."

"Hmmph, have no fear. Spike is here! I'll clean this house up so very fast. If you join in, we're sure to have a-" Spike was cut off as the door slammed open to the noticeably irate mare. "Blast..."

"I won't ask questions about the body. Just clean it up, and get out of my house!" Cup Cake snarled to Spike.

"Hey, you didn't speak in rhyme!"

"Now Spike!" Cup ordered in her motherly tone, and watched as the dragon shuffled off with a frown to clean up the body he had left in her living room. "Now girls," Cup asked hotly, turning to the two mares left. "Did you have fun today?"

Coming up, a chapter that can only be described through the following sentence.

“I am Sick and Tired of these Mutha Bucking Snakes on this Mutha Buckin Blimp!”

No Literature Is Safe! Who's Next On The Chopping Block? You Decide!

Author's Note

Sorry for the short Chapter everybody. The Cat in The Hat was actually too short to do much with at only 1629 words long (Yes, I counted), so instead of pushing bad humor and beating a dead tree as Twilight would say, I've decided that less is sometimes more. That, and this chapter went through about four total rewrites, because rhyming is actually kinda hard to do and keep a coherent story...

Chapters in progress: Snakes on a plane
Sherlock Holmes/ Doctor Who crossover
Moby Dick

Chapters in the planning: Enemy at the Gates
Happy Potter
Eragon (If I ever get around to reading that one...)
Brokeback mountain

Upcoming guest submitions: Treasure Island By Swashbucklist

As always, if you have a story you wanna see parodied, leave a comment below, Private message me, or smoke signals (warning, I may not be able to see the smoke signals...)