The Random Establishment

by wacarb

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 9994

In Equestria there is a house known as the Random Establishment. Weird things happen in there.

On top of a hill directly in the middle of Equestria is a house.
The house is shaped to look like a question mark, and does this despite all logic and reasoning.
No one knows who built the house, or how long it has been there.
The house contains only stories, stories that reflect the nature of the house.

The house has been dubbed by ponies as...

The Random Establishment.

Published 2012-09-18 23:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-05 10:49:26 UTC

Or Was It?

“WAKE UP!”

Pinkie Pie woke up, and fell out of bed. She fell not only out of bed but into a large crevice filled with jelly syringes. She sighed, “Another one of those days, is it?”

This was the third time this week Twilight had tried to summon Snow White and the seven dwarves of the apocalypse. Will she ever learn? No, and shut up.

“NO! You shut up!” Fluttershy landed clumsily in the pile of spinach flavoured cinnamon balls that Pinkie fell into a crevice of. Fluttershy could read minds ever since she was cursed by an idiot. Not any specific idiot, just idiocy in general.

“It is not a curse; it’s an un-curse.” Fluttershy stamped her hooves wildly on the ground.

Pinkie Pie sighed a fourth time. Dealing with Fluttershy was tricky now; as long as she didn’t start thinking about anything at all she would be....

...........
....................
.......
..............
..

Damn, Pinkie thought about breakfast.

“Pinkie! How could you? I thought we were friends.” Fluttershy flew off screaming bloody murder and all their greatest hits.

Pinkie Pie sighed for the second time and called up Rainbow Dash on her hyper-super watch. A hologram of Rainbow’s face appeared.

“Welcome to Cantertucky Fried Tofu. How may I help you?”

Pinkie almost shed a tear at the emotionless face of her friend. She hadn’t been the same since the accident.

‘The’ accident!

‘That’ accident!!!!!

You know the one she means.

Pinkie responded to her jaded friend, “I’m trapped in a crevice filled with concrete trampolines. Can you get me out?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I ain’t got no worries, I ain’t got no fears. Just come down to the carousel and drown ‘em in beers.”
Rarity sang like a bird.

No, not a bird; that other thing.

Crap!

Rarity sang like week old mule manure.

Pinkie was not looking forward to this. Fluttershy would have already gone to Rarity’s to drink away the pain. Rarity was now in the alcohol business, and served only the strongest beer in Rarity’s entire pub. Rarity’s sign had been vandalized to say ‘But Carousel”. Pinkie didn’t get it. She dragged Rainbow Dash in by the tail. Inside was...

Oh wait, she got the joke now!

‘But’ as in ‘anus’!

That’s actually really clever when you think about it.

Inside was dark and seedy. The seeds would sprout into light-bulbs by next summer. Not Rarity’s smartest idea but nothing ever was.

Fluttershy was drinking heavily from a mug the size of her head. She drank the beer down, and then cried alcoholic tears back into the mug, drinking from it once again. The cycle would go on for as long as it took to not be going on.

Pinkie dragged herself and Rainbow up to the bar. Rarity was busy serving other customers, and Sweetie Belle was dead.

Or maybe on the toilet, it doesn’t really matter. The point is she’s not there

Fluttershy called out, “She’s in the conservatory.”

Shut up, Fluttershy, no one asked you.

“NOOOOO!”

Pinkie decided to groan instead of sigh. Variety is the spice of life. She turned over to see Applejack playing a lonely tune on the grand piano. Applejack was a mute now. The piano wasn’t mute though, that still worked just fine.

“Hey! Applejack! Play that song with the notes in it.”

Applejack nodded and started playing ‘Three Blind Mice’ in honour of the cutie mark crusaders.

They weren’t blind, or mice. But there were three of them.

Rarity came over to Pinkie and Rainbow. “What’ll it be, hon.”

Pinkie sighed, deciding to stick with what she knows. “I’ll have a Celunia mix on the rocks. Rainbow?”

“Why yes, I would like to change my phone plan. Of course I’ll hold.” Rainbow was pretty stupid now-a-days.

Pinkie spoke up for her stupid friend. “She’ll have an Apple Salmon Shock.”

Suddenly the bar went silent. A very sexy OC alicorn named Nightdeathmoon Goldstrikeninjapirate asked, “Did you just say; Mango Lemon?”

“No” Pinkie said. Then the bar went back to normal.

Applejack had started playing that one song everyone hates.

Rarity threw a dart at her. “Applejack, don’t play that song. Play any other song but that one.”

Applejack kept playing. Rarity remembered and copy/pasted, “Applejack, don’t play that song. Play any other song but that one.” onto a piece of paper.

AJ read the note and said, “Sure thing, sugar pie.”

Rarity handed the drinks over to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, “She’s been more difficult to deal with ever since she became deaf. So, what brings you into my humble abode this fine ‘morn?”

“Twilight has done something.”

Rarity smashed her face into a television screen. “Again?!”

Pinkie nodded. And sighed. “We don’t have much time. If I know Twilight Sparkler, which I do, then she’ll already be in contact with the hordes of the damned.

Rainbow suddenly cried out, “Look at me!”

Pinkie and Rarity both turned to the idiot Rainbow Dash.

“I’ve lost my screwdriver.”

Damn, Rainbow Dash was all kinds of fruit loops.

Pinkie continued on from where she left off. “Anyway, if we are going to save Ponyville, we’re going to have to assemble.”

Rarity chuckled, “Don’t worry Pinkie, we’re already here.”

Pinkie was shocked. Indeed Rarity was right, all the important ponies as well as Applejack were here. Pinkie smiled at her friend. “That’s why you’re the tall one, Rarity.”

Rarity smashed a glass into her vertebrae.

“Don’t ever change Rarity.”

Applejack stumbled over to the empty stool next to Pinkie, knocking over their drinks. “Sorry y’all; been a bit hard to get around ever since I lost my eyesight. So what’s the plan for taking on Twilight?”

Pinkie sighed. “Right now we have two options. We can sit here and drink it away; hopefully Twilight will stop trying to end the world. We could go down to the library and throw things at her; that won’t work but it should be funny. Or we can activate the Device.”

Rainbow Dash, for reasons no one can comprehend, added, “We could be a ginger bread lamp.”

Pinkie, after intensely staring at her blue brained friend for a minute or two, kept on. “Ok, so that’s five options. Fluttershy get over here, we need to take a vote.”

Fluttershy flew over, hearing the narration that she was flying over.

Pinkie drew out 5 pieces of paper. “Everyone write down your choice. Don’t forget to put down your name so we know who voted anonymously.”

After quickly scribbling down their favoured choices, they were left with a tie between the five options that they totally had.

Pinkie not only sighed, but rubbed her face in her hands. But she didn’t do that because she doesn’t have hands. “Ok, let’s just go to the library and wing it.”

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy looked at Pinkie, wondering if she was trying to make a pun.

Pinkie was indeed trying to make a pun.

It wasn’t very... punny.

Applejack turned around to the giant eel eating Leprechaun named Wall Smyth. Due to her being mute, as was mentioned before, she wrote a note for him asking if he could teleport them all to the library.

Wall nodded his head, as the ancients had also nodded their heads.

Applejack grinned at the ponies at the bar. “Well, our rides ready. Let’s move along.”

Rarity, suddenly in a panic, remembered to ask Pinkie Pie, “Wait, did you still want those drinks you ordered?”

“No, Applejack knocked them over already.”

“But I hadn’t given them to you yet.”

“Yeah, I’m still pretty confused about that myself.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a brief hour of magic the teleporting, the three friends and Applejack landed in front of Twilight Sparkle’s home. Standing outside was Twilight, who was sitting on a throne she got off the pony equivalent of EBay.

ENeigh or something.

“Hello my friends, nice of you to drop in at this fine, end of the world.”

Rarity picked herself off the ground and cleaned herself off.

She sensed something was off, but couldn’t figure out what.

Suddenly, it dawned on her.

She was now the main character!

She glared at Twilight, who laughed maniacally like a manic. “You rotten lima bean! What have you done?”

Twilight grinned wickedly at the white but not white in a racist way unicorn. “Why, I’ve livened up the story. Now we can a picnic on the beach!”

Rarity kicked her face in the chin. “NO! I’ll never have a picnic with you! NEVER!”

Twilight laughed slightly differently but still maniacally. “It’s not your choice Rarity, it’s up to the judges.”

Twilight gestured over to a group of four ponies at a desk. Each was holding a number on a piece of card; 7, 6.6, 7.2, 7.9.

Rarity fell onto a spike on the ground. Not ‘Spike’ spike, just a regular spike. All seemed lost. She looked behind at her friends who were now FINALLY getting up.

Applejack brushed the mud of her body; quite an astounding feat considering there wasn’t any mud anywhere for her to be muddy. “Is every pony alright?”

Pinkie Pie sighed, “We’re all ok AJ, and you can stop yelling.”

“Did some pony say something?!”

Rainbow Dash was also awake. She was sniffing her armpits for hidden treasure. What a total idiot, right?

Twilight, now in full armoured duck uniform, landed in the middle of the hapless ponies. “DOTH THE HEROES REQUIRE SUPERNATURAL AID? COME THEN! I SHALL GIVE YOU ALL THE AIDS YOU NEED!”

They all laughed politely.

“What? What’s so funny?”

Pinkie spoke up for the others, “Oh, you know, that thing you said. With the aids and... never mind.”

Twilight regained her composure. “IMBECILES (hey that’s another good word I could use for Rainbow Dash) I SHALL DESTROY YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE AND MAYBE EVERYTHING YOU HATE!”

Applejack smiled at the others, “Well that’s not so bad, and at least I can’t smell what’s going on.”

“DOOM WILL TAKE YOU!”

And with that, Twilight summoned smaller Giga-World Render; a monster the size of 10 smaller cars. Or he would be that size but in Equestria there are no cars, only trains.

And tanks too apparently.

But no cars at all, what’s up with that?

Rarity looked at her friends and Applejack, who was walking around blindly. “Don’t worry! I have a plan!”

“What! I can’t hear you!”

Rarity rolled her eyes in sync with Pinkie Pie sighing. Rainbow Dash was asking a nearby ladybug for directions to the Ocean of Dreams. What an idiot.

Crap; that was supposed to be imbecile that time.

Rarity, still the main character for now, shouted up at her crazy purple friend. “Come on, Twilight don’t be a biscuit.”

Twilight, realizing the error of her ways, rejoined her friends. “Yeah I guess you’re right.”

They all gathered together and shared a big group hug. Bernard the octopus also joined in the hug.

Way to go Bern!

And everything was happiness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Fluttershy was somewhere else.

If you’re really curious as to where she was, you can decide yourself.

“I think I’m in a junkyard.”

And now the story is over.

“That’s not fair!”

OR WAS IT?

“Is it?”

IT IS!

Billy Finds A Filly

“Why, hello there.”

“I said, HELLO THERE”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”

“Of course you didn’t see me Billy. I’m not even here.”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Geez Billy, be quiet. I’m trying to explain the situation to you.”

“Oh! Sorry sir.”

“WHAT DID I JUST SAY, BILLY?!”

“....”

“Well done, Billy. You’re a slow leaner, but you learnt all the same.”

“Thank you, sir”

“Damn it, Billy, shut up. Ahem. NOW! Today is your lucky day Billy. I just happened to be passing through when I saw that you were down in the dumps.”

“You can speak again now, Billy.”

“Why yes sir. I am having rather a lot of trouble right now. I would really appreciate any help you could give me.”

“Don’t worry, Billy, that’s just what a swell guy like me is here to do. I sure am a nice dude, right Billy?”

“Oh yes, sir.”

“DAMN RIGHT I AM! Now, before I can help you, you need to tell what it is that has gotten you looking so pathetic like that.”

“You don’t know sir?”

“Of course I don’t know what’s wrong with you, how could I? I only just got here remember Billy? What, did you think I was God or something?”

“Well, it’s just that I can’t see you, but you are talking to me and no one else can hear you so I thought maybe...”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA! REALLY! YOU THOUGHT THAT... HAHAHAHAHAH! OH BILLY; YOU CRACK ME UP! YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT... OH THAT’S JUST TOO MUCH, BILLY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Upset? I should be flattered. HAHAHAHA! I haven’t laughed like that in a long time, Billy. Not in a very long time.”

“If I may ask, who are you sir?”

“Me? Unimportant; but what IS important is me helping out this poor, ugly, pathetic looking pony I have graciously stumbled across.”

“Thank you so much again, sir.”

“Yes, yes, it’s alright Billy. So; tell me what the problem is.”

“Well, sir. Our school is having a dance, and partners are being encouraged. But gosh, sir, I’m just too shy to ask any of the fillies to go with me.”

“Are you sure it’s that and not that all the fillies find you repulsive?”

“I’m not sure, sir.”

“Let’s just call it a combination of your failings as a colt and everyone finding you to be a boring little pile of poo.”

“Ok then, sir.”

“NOW THEN! Let’s see what we can do about your bad attitude. In order for me to gauge how dumb you are, I need to see you in action.”

“Sounds like a good plan, sir”

“Quit brown nosing, Billy. You see that little filly over there. I want you to go over to her and just try carrying a normal conversation.”

“But she isn’t in my school year sir. She’s one grade lower.”

“Damn it, Billy, do I look like I care about that?”

“I don’t know, sir. I can’t see you.”

“Don’t be difficult Billy. Just do it.”

“Ok then, here I go. Hello.”

“Hi. Who were you talking to just now?”

“You couldn’t hear him?”

“Only you can hear me, Billy”

“I didn’t know that, sir.”

“What?”

“It’s a voice that is talking to me in my head. He’s helping me find a filly for the dance.”

“Oh. Sorry, I have to go... somewhere.”

“I don’t think that went quite well, sir”

“Can I ask you a question Billy?”

“Of course you can, sir.”

“Are you a flaming homosexual?”

“A what, sir?”

“She was practically throwing herself at you, and you turned her away.”

“Are you sure, sir? She seemed rather off put to me.”

“Damn it Billy, couldn’t you feel it. She was practically screaming at you to take her right there.”

“I don’t remember her screaming that, sir. I don’t really remember her screaming anything at all. She just sort of walked off.”

“You’re a detriment to society, Billy.”

“Sorry, sir, I don’t know what that word means.”

"Of course you don’t. That why you don’t have a date for the dance.”

“Is there any hope for me at all, sir?”

“No Billy. You are a boiling wart full of pus and bile and the face of the planet.”

“Oh dear! I don’t want to be a wart, sir.”

“That’s OK Billy, where there’s a will there’s a way.”

“Do I have a will, sir?”

“No Billy, you never will.”

“Bother.”

“Don’t swear Billy. You won’t get any chicks with that attitude.”

“You mean you’ll still help me, sir?”

“Sure I will. I am the greatest being in the world aren’t I?”

“Are you?”

“I AM! Now, do you know what the first thing you should always do after getting rejected is, Billy?”

“No, sir.”

“Why do I bother asking you questions Billy. You’re obviously oblivious. The first thing we do after getting our nuts ripped off is growing a new pair and trying again.”

“What nuts sir?”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I CAN’T BELIEVE THE WORDS MY EARS HAVE JUST HEARD! HAHAHAHHAHA! BILLY YOU ARE A RIOT! Anyway, what you need to do is find another filly and talk to her.”

“I’m not sure, sir. I just don’t seem to do very well.”

“No wonder no one likes you Billy. You don’t even like you. I sure don’t like you.”

“Sorry sir.”

“Regardless of how hated you are by every pony in Ponyville, I still don’t believe you are a lost cause. Hang on, here comes another young filly. Go on Billy, have a crack at that plot.”

“Plot, sir?”

“Forget it, just go ask her out.”

“I’m not sure, sir. That’s Hot Rod. She’s kind of a bully to everyone at school.”

“I'll bet she’s good in bed then.”

“Good at sleeping, sir?”

“.... Yes Billy. Good at sleeping.”

“It’s just that I’m afraid to ask her to the dance sir. Last time we spoke she kicked me in the side and stole my lunch money.”

“Get over it Billy. It’s all in the past.”

“It was this morning, sir.”

“Damn it Billy, no one cares about your miniscule problems. Just go ask her to the dance.”

“I’ll try sir.”

“Excuse me Hot Rod.”

“What do you want dweeb. You better not have tattled on me to Cheerilee.”

“Umm, no I didn’t do that.”

“Good, because I’d hate for you to have another accident outside of school again.”

“I swear I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Damn Billy, there are jellyfish with bigger spines than you.”

“Uh”

“Well, spit it out, dork.”

“Hot Rod, I know this may sound strange...”

“Everything you say is strange, blank flank.”

“You see Hot Rod, as you know the school is having a dance, and I was wondering if you would like to go with me.”

“...”

“She seems stunned Billy. Now’s your chance to pounce.”

“WHAT THE HECK?!”

“Oh, sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Is this some sort of joke?”

“I didn’t mean it to be, it’s just that I was told...”

“Is this a trick to get me in trouble? Oh, I get it. You want to trap me into getting caught by teacher.”

“No! It’s not like that at all.”

“Bail out Billy, I think she’s at that time of the month.”

“You are so gonna get it after school, butt-face. I hope you brought a set of spare teeth.”

“Please don’t hurt me Hot Rod. Can we just forget this ever happened?”

“Too late, loser; I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Ouch, Billy. I get the feeling she doesn’t like you very much.”

“I think I may be in trouble sir.”

“What kind of stupid name is Hot Rod anyway? Sounds really dirty to me; you know what I’m saying Billy?”

“I don’t think so, sir.”

“Now that I think about it, I don’t know your full name. Is it more than just plain old boring Billy?”

“Actually sir, my full name is Billy Towels.”

“BILLY TOWELS? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Everything you say makes me want to laugh at you Billy.”

“I’m glad I can make you happy at least, sir.”

“Your parents must have really hated you if they named you Billy Towels.”

“I wouldn’t know sir. My parents died when I was very young.”

“Your parents hated you so much that they killed themselves? Billy you can’t do anything right, can’t you.”

“I’m not sure if that’s really how it happened, sir.”

“How would you know Billy, you weren’t even old enough to use the toilets.”

“I suppose that’s true sir.”

“I’ve been thinking Billy. At least one of us is thinking. Maybe we should call it a day. After some rest we may be able to come up with a fool-proof plan to get you a date. And since it’s you, it will definitely need to be fool proof.”

“I don’t think we will have time for that sir, the dance is tonight.”

“THE DANCE IS TONIGHT? YOU IDIOT, BILLY! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?”

“Sorry, sir. I thought you knew.”

“I appreciate how awesome you think I am Billy, but this is ridiculous. There is no chance for you. There isn’t even any pony here. They’ve all gone home to get ready for the dance. I hope you enjoy being stuck on the wall Billy.”

“I’m sorry sir. I really am a disappointment, aren’t I? Maybe I should just...”

“HOLD THAT THOUGHT BILLY! I have found another filly for you to ask to the dance!”

“Oh, thank you so much sir. Thank you so very, very much.”

“Shut up Billy. Now you see that filly over there?”

“Her? Oh my, that’s Applebloom.”

“Who? Ah, who cares? Go on, Billy, just like we practiced.”

“I’m really scared this time sir.”

“Does everyone in Ponyville pick on you?”

“It’s not like that, sir. It’s just that; well Applebloom is very cute, and I’ve always kind of had a crush on her.”

“Gee, really? We actually find someone you like, and somehow that makes it harder for you?”

“I always get tongue tied when I try speaking to her.”

“You are the epitome of stupidity, Billy.”

“I guess so, sir.”

“How about this; when you go up to her, pretend she’s a ten foot tall monster with spiders crawling all over her.”

“I might find that more difficult, sir. Spiders really scare me quite a lot.”

“You always make everything difficult, don’t you Billy. Fine pretend it is snakes. Now go, before she leaves.”

“Oh, um, ah.”

“Hey, your that Billy kid, ain’t ya? Did you need something?”

“You’re really tall.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said ‘pretend’, Billy. She isn’t actually ten foot tall.”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot.”

“Forgot what?”

“Um, Applebloom...”

“Hey, you can talk! I always thought you had a speech problem.”

“Oh, um, ah.”

“Or maybe you still do.”

“Oh. Ahem. Applebloom, my name is Billy.”

“That’s right! Good job Billy.”

“I like her, she knows how stupid you her.”

“Oh, um, I was, ah, wondering if maybe, that is, if you wanted, uh. Do you know there is a school dance tonight?”

“Sandpaper is smoother than you, Billy.”

“Well of course I know about the dance. Every pony in school is going to be there.”

“Are you going to be there?”

“Sure I am. Right now I gotta go help Miss Cheerilee set up though. Was there something you needed?”

“Well I am also going to be at the dance.”

“Good for you, Billy.”

“Yeah, Billy. Good for you, Billy.”

“I was just wondering if you were going with any pony.”

“I did just say every pony was gonna be there.”

“Yeah, Billy. Why don’t you listen, Billy?”

“What I meant was, are you going with anyone, like a partner, for the dance.”

“Oh, you mean that. No, no one asked me, but that’s alright. I’ll still have lots of friends there.”

“Well, I was wondering, that is, perhaps, maybe, if you wanted, well I don’t have a partner, and you don’t have a partner, so maybe, we could, be partners?”

“She’s too good for you. I can tell cause she’s halfway clever.”

“You want to go with me?”

“Oh, uh, yes?”

“Hmm, well I don’t see why not. Sure I’ll dance with you.”

“I say halfway clever cause her other half is filled with pity for your pathetic face.”

“You will? Oh! Um, so I’ll just see you again tonight.”

“Sure, but I really gotta go help Miss Cheerilee, I promised her I would.”

“Of course. So... it’s a date then?”

“Haha, no Billy, we’re just friends, but I’ll see you at the dance.”

“OH SNAP!”

“See you tonight then.”

“AND SHE STEPS UP TO THE PLATE AND KNOCKS HIM RIGHT BACK INTO THE FRIENDZONE! GAME OVER!”

“She said yes, sir.”

“She said friends, Billy. That’s worse than Hot Rod could ever do.”

“I can’t believe it sir! I finally found a filly for the dance!”

“I think you’re missing a key point here, Billy. She said just friends, remember?”

“Oh thank you so much so, I would never have been able to do it without you.”

“Well, I am pretty awesome. And you do suck.”

“I will never forget this day, sir. I am the happiest colt in the world.”

“Nothing ever gets you down, does it Billy?”

“Not a thing, sir. Why I’m as happy as a lark on the first day of spring. Thank you so very much sir, you have made me the happiest colt in all of Equestria!”

“Shut up, Billy.”

Super Secret Six Squad (AKA Triple S)

A lot had changed in Ponyville.

Instead of being known as Ponyville, it was now called Ponyville City, as depicted by the new sign, lit dimly by flickering lights.

The name changed slightly and there was also a new sign.

Not a lot had actually changed in Ponyville, when you think about it.

That is to say Ponyville City.

But in the darkest hours of the night, running from the rooftops and flying through the air and sometimes the rooftops, defenders of justice watched vigilantly; except when they were falling off the aforementioned rooftops.

No one knew who they were excluding the ones who were them who knew themselves.

Everyone else who wasn’t them called them the Guardians.

They themselves, however, preferred to label themselves as the Super Secret Six Squad, or Triple S for short.

They were the watchers in the night, champions of the downtrodden, guardians of the weak and writer of the wrongs. That is to say righter of the wrongs. I mean they could write down what is wrong but I meant to write right, right.

This is their story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twilight scanned the horizons for anything suspicious. After finding only curious and almost interesting happenings, she slid down from her perch on the town hall and headed off into the night.

“This city is a disease, and I am the only cure.” She muttered to herself.

It had all started two months ago.

Twilight had set up an experiment to uncover the secrets to the elements of harmony, and like all scientific experiments, it went horribly right and gave her and her five friends super powers, just like she meant to.

Twilight stealthily made her way into her hideout under the tree library which she called the Root Canals. As she trotted in, the lights switched on to the sound of her hoof steps and a familiar voice came in over a PA system.

“Good evening, Miss Sparkle. Fight any dastardly villains today?”

“Not today, SPiKE.” Twilight responded to her artificial butler. SPiKE, or Synergetic Polarity in Kinetic Energy, was a program made by Twilight to help her keep track of local happenings. Her old assistant, Spike, made it big in Fillydelphia selling cheese wheels, and sent letters to his pony pals every now and then.

Twilight sat down in her swivel chair and spun around a few times, but in a grim and mysterious sort of way. “Have you found anything to report?”

SPiKE projected a large amount of files and reports on the giant monitor for Twilight to read. She never read them; she just liked having lots of words of the screen to make her seem more intelligent.

SPiKE’s monotonous voice drilled into her ears once more. “It appears Ponyville City has been quite peaceful as of late. Shall I run the daily review?”

Twilight, still spinning grimly on the chair, told SPiKE, “Let’s hear it for each sector.”

SPiKE ran through a list, “North side, peaceful. South side, peaceful and unreasonably happy. East side, peaceful. West side, currently in the turmoils of unholy battle.”

“What was that one again?”

“East side, peaceful.”

“No, the other one!”

“The unreasonably happy south side?”

“NO! The west side.”

“Currently in a state of hell breaking loose with a vengeance?”

“I’m heading out.” Twilight, after a few more bonus spins that she quite clearly deserved, made her way to the exit.

“Will Miss Sparkle be requiring the assistance of the Squad?”

Twilight thought for a few moments, had an ice cream, and then decided, “No, I will handle this on my own. Tell them to wait wherever they are. I’ll call for back up if I need it. Where are they anyway?”

“At the west side, madam. They were there when it started.”

Twilight, ice cream dripping from her lips, muttered, “Damn, they never listen.”

Once again Twilight ran off in the night, muttering grimly to herself and being generally mysterious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fire rained down from the sky.

Actually the fire was on the ground because in general fire goes up, not down, but it sounds better when I say fire rains down from the sky.

Sort of gives it that mood, you know?

Twilight moves as quickly as she could to the scene. She heard a distinctive roar from her old foe.

It would appear as though Iron William Wallace, the steel clad minotaur, had escaped from the dreaded keep of Cheerilee’s 3 foot high fence for paralysed kangaroos.

“Damn,” Twilight spoke grimly, sliding down a nearby slippery dip on her way through the city. Iron William Wallace had fought for many days, almost a week, with the local heroes on and off.

“Watch out!” Twilight heard from somewhere near the ruckus, just ducking as a flash of blue passed over her. Rainbow Dash crashed into a heap next to her.

Twilight called out to her. “Rainbow Report!”

RD brushed herself off and replied, “It’s Rainbow Dash, not Report.”

Twilight blushed heavily because she had forgotten one of her best friend’s names, and not because she was currently riding on a swing set as one might have thought. “Sorry, I forgot your name. What’s happening?”

“That damn (sorry, I meant d**n) minotaur, is destroying that tree that looks almost like two lollipops stuck together.”

Twilight grimaced moodily and grimly. “No! Not the double-pop tree. We have to stop him Rainbow Fly. Activate...” Twilight paused a few minutes for great effect, “The Leech.”

Rainbow Dash looked uncertain. “I dunno Twi, I’m uncertain,” she said, confirming the aforementioned uncertainty from the narration.

Twilight was currently on the swing set. “I don’t have time for your ridiculously long and unnecessarily padded out over the top wordy running monologues of great length Rainbow Dusty! We need him now!”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and activated her power.

It was quite a sight; words couldn’t describe what was happening.

But I’ll try anyway.

It was, kinda, like a bluey, glowy, ummmm, thing?

Yeah words can’t really describe it. All you need to know is that Rainbow Dash now had a giant leech on her head.

“Greetings from the Under Realm, Twilight Sparkle.” The leech said. He had him mouth attached to Rainbow Dash’s head and was sucking on her life force to keep himself powered. Also he was psychic which is how he can speak in case you were wondering.

“Now isn’t the time for games, leech,” Twilight growled mysteriously, while playing a game and Parcheesi. “I need you to call everyone else here to me right now!”

“It shall be as you wish, Twilight Sparkle” the leech replied, and activated his mysterious, hard to explain, power. Rainbow giggled daftly to herself as the leech sucked more of her mind away.
Suddenly, everyone was there.

Not because of magic, but because of super powers.

They’re totally different.

Twilight consorted with her newly gathered squad. Her Super Squad. Her Super Six Squad. Her Super Secret Six Squad.

Triple S!

Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie. “Fluttershy!”

“I’m Pinkie Pie.”

Twilight groaned dark and broodingly. The toll of being the only interesting character was wearing her down. “I mean Pinkie Pie, do you still throw radioactive teeth?”

Pinkie lifted her hoof up, showing a set of green teeth. “Yes.”

“Good. I need you to go throw those at Iron William Wallace.”

Pinkie looked annoyed for some reason. “I was already doing that before you summoned me here.”

Twilight snapped back dramatically, “Pinkie, now isn’t the time for your long winded, excessively intelligibly worded, maybe important but really isn’t, running sentence of a huge long winded, repeated phrases of a long winded monologue! Just go and do it!”

Pinkie ran back into the fray while Twilight continued on. “Fluttershy, use your super speed to provide a distraction.”

Fluttershy looked nervous, “Oh, um, I’ll try Twilight, but I don’t really have much control over it yet.”

Fluttershy readied herself and then, with approximately the same speed as a rather fast lightning bolt, she took off. Sadly, she was not given super reflexes to cope with the speed, and she flew straight into a large rock and knocked herself out.

Rarity was up next, Twilight glared at her. Rarity had the power to eventually turn invisible. “How much longer till we can’t see you anymore?”

Rarity thought for a moment, “I’m not sure. Maybe another three hours?”

“Ok, you go over there and wait till your ready.”

Rarity went over there, and continued to almost be invisible.

With that, Twilight was left only with Applejack and a near brain-dead Rainbow Dash with accompanying leech head.

Twilight turned to Applejack and asked with grim and meaningful intent, “Can you still set your limbs on fire?”

Applejack could set her limbs on fire.

“I can still set my limbs on fire.” Applejack responded.

She set her limbs on fire.

“ARGH! MY LIMBS ARE ON FIRE!”

Applejack didn’t have a very good super power.

“IT BURNS! THE AGONIZING PAIN! TRULY THIS TORMENT IS THE WORST PAIN I COULD EVER FEEL!” Applejack screamed, as she ran off in search of water.

Because her limbs were on fire.

Twilight muttered grimly something that was probably deep and brooding, while simultaneously playing on the monkey bars.

She stepped forward to the battle zone. “I guess it’s all up to me again.” She ran up to Iron William Wallace.

Iron William Wallace laughed as he saw her approach, “Hah! We meet again my week old foe. Prepare your pain sensors, for I am about to beat you up with my feets!”

Twilight pierced him with a steely gaze (man I’m writing like a pro today), “No you are not.”

Iron staggered back, “Blast, you may have won this time, but I will return, maybe in a month or so.”

Iron William Wallace fled into the somewhere hidden where he was running, possibly to be heard from again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And again, all across Ponyville, the ponies were at peace, knowing they were protected by their heroes.

I mean Ponyville City.

And they didn’t know about the heroes because it was a secret.

A super secret.

Six super secrets.

The Super Secret Six Squad!

Triple S.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh crap I forgot Pinkie Pie was still supposed to be fighting Iron William Wallace with her radioactive teeth.

If you are wondering where she was near the epic end battle then, um...

You know what I don’t even know, I just completely forgot.

Sorry about that.

(Editor’s note: I have no idea what Parcheesi is)

Stranded In Canterlot Castle

You wake up.

After briefly inspecting your surroundings, you notice that your constant dream of going to live in Equestria has come true somehow, and you are now in a cozy, pink bed. You rub your eyes with your hands, only to find out you do not have hands anymore, but hooves. You look yourself over and see you have indeed become a full-fledged pony, though which type still eludes you. On the other side of the room you see what appears to be a bathroom, assumedly with a mirror. Do you:

a) Let the sheer awesomeness of the event overwhelm you for a few minutes.

b) Get out of bed and inspect the bathroom.

Option A – You spend only mere moments exciting your mind in this new, wonderful life when the sheer sweetness of it gives you a heart-attack. You die. Start from beginning.

Option B – After a few cautious steps trying to find your feet, or hooves as it were, you carefully make your way to the bathroom. Inside you spot a spotless, shining room of porcelain. There is a large spa-bath in the corner, a shower, sink, and everything you would expect to find in a royal bathroom. On the far side is a large glass door that leads to a balcony. Most importantly, however, there is a large mirror by the towel racks that you could easily inspect yourself with. You stand yourself in front of it and what you find puzzles you. Instead of the totally awesome alicorn OC you made yourself, you notice you are instead an earth pony. Still, any pony is a good pony when you have been magically teleported to a new dimension, or at least that’s what you tell yourself. Do you:

a) Double check to see if you are an alicorn as you indeed should be.

b) Be happy with what you are.

Option A – The only way you can really be sure if you are an alicorn is to take flight. You open up the balcony door and jump off the edge. You fall to your death. Start from beginning.

Option B – You take one last look in the mirror and give yourself a little smile. It felt good to be a pony, and it didn't matter which kind you were. You exit the bathroom and find yourself once again in the suite you had woken up in. You are still unsure as to how you wound up in Canterlot, or if you are only dreaming. Before you can think too much on this, you hear a knock at the door. You feel very nervous, almost too nervous to answer, but you muster up the courage and make your way to the decorative portal. You try the doorknob, but you only manage to flail limply at its round hold. It would appear you still have a lot to master if you wish to live your new life as a pony. You call out to the other side that you are having trouble with the door and wait for a response. You hear no answer, but the door slowly starts to swing open. Your heartbeat quickens at the thought of your first meeting. Could it perhaps be Luna, or even Celestia? You don’t get options this time though, because it is one of the royal guards. He stands before you in his splendid golden armour, and beckons you to follow. He seemed quite cold to you, maybe he felt threatened or jealous? You don’t have time to find out as he has already moved on. You poke your head out and see him moving quickly down one of a corridor. You turn your head the other direction a spy a large, ornate door at the end of the hall. Do you:

a) Play it by the rules and follow the guard.

b) Screw that! You’re here to explore, and that door looks like it could be hiding something, or someone, very important.

Option A – You decide since you are a guest in someone else’s home, you should listen to their instruction. The guard opens a plain looking door and motions you to step inside. You oblige him, and he follows you after. Behind you, you hear the door close and it almost sounded as if it was locked as well. The room suddenly goes dark and you are impacted by some unknown object on your head. I guess the guard really was jealous of you. You bleed out and die. Start from beginning.

Option B – The majestic door at the other end entices your mind, and you find yourself drawn to it. You quickly glance over your shoulder to see the guard off in the distance. After a brief hesitation, you lunge yourself at the door and push with all your might. It forces open and you find yourself inside a large room. Standing before you is a large chest. Around the walls of this round room are nothing but a few shelves of dusty books and a lonely lectern. On top of the lectern is an open book, and as you move closer to it, you notice large quantities of ink has been spilled over it, making it illegible. You wonder whether the ruining of such a mysterious book in such a mysterious room could be deliberate or accidental. Your gaze falls once again on the chest in the middle of the room. You wonder if the book had anything to say about what the chest may contain, but idle thoughts as such will not move you ahead. You open up the chest, and before you can react, you are pulled in by some arcane force. The pressure is almost too much to bear, and feel as if you may die in mere moments. Do you:

a) Die.

b) Not die.

Option A – You die. Start from beginning.

Option B – You force yourself to stay conscious for the event, and suddenly, you open your eyes to a startling sight. Before you stands none other than Princess Celestia. Her coat was shining brightly in your eyes, as you slowly managed to regain focus on your new environment. Princess Celestia offers you a polite smile, and you return the favour. Truthfully, you would have preferred to be greeted by your waifu, Princess Luna, but you are still glad to be seeing a familiar face at least. The princess states a formal greeting and asks your name. You are about to say your real name, but change your mind and tell her you are called Nightwing Mystere, after your OC. You make sure she knows the correct spelling. She asks if you would like anything, and you ask her about the mysterious chest you fell through. She tells you there is no such chest in Canterlot, and that you may have just been sleepwalking. You are not sure whether to believe that, but you let it slide for now. You ask her where her sister, Luna, is, and she gives you a surprised look. She asks how you knew about Luna. You tell her about the pillow of Luna you have back home, but she doesn't seem to comprehend. It’s probably for the best. Princess Celestia bids you to follow her, and you gladly oblige. You follow her a while through the castle halls and she asks you many questions about the world you come from. You lie to her as much as you can. Eventually you come to a heavy steel door. It seems to be magically warded. You assume it is because you can see three unicorns on each side covering it with their magic and eyeing you menacingly. The princess shoos them away and unlocks the door. The process takes a few minutes due to the large amounts of locks and bolts. Eventually the door is opened, and you are ushered inside. Before you is a large pulsating device, looking like some sort of pillar from floor to roof. It appears mechanical in nature, but its movements seem more biological. You ask Celestia what it is, and she was, in fact, just as puzzled as you were. She points out what may have been a control panel covered in flickering lights. She states that her top scientists have discovered the device can only be operated by a human, and she wanted to know if you can attempt to figure out what this strange device does. You think about what she says, and something doesn't seem quite right to you. You struggle to remember what it was. Do you:

a) Ask her how she knew you were a human, because after all, your current form is that of a pony.

b) Forget what it was you were trying to remember.

Option A – You ask Celestia how she knew you were a human, and whether there was any other information she was hiding from you. Celestia gives you a blank stare, and then quickly hits you on the head with a stainless steel watermelon. Your last thoughts as you head into the light are, “Was that a stainless steel watermelon?” You die. Start from beginning.

Option B – Celestia is now standing by the control panel and waiting for you. You step bravely towards your destiny. You assume that figuring out this device will save the world somehow and Luna will fall in love you, but before you can get to work, nature calls. You ask Celestia where the bathroom is, and she tells you it is down the hall, third door on the left. You quickly run out and enter said door. You pee. You pee a river. You wonder if all ponies pee rivers because you know for a fact you have never peed this much before in your life. After what seems like a whole ten minutes, you wash up and head back out again. Strangely, all outside is now completely dark. You call out to Princess Celestia, but no one answers you. You try to find your way back to the room with the device, but you have no luck. Suddenly, you here a soft voice called your real name from behind you. You turn around, and in the darkness you see your love. Princess Luna stands gloriously in front of you, here image clearly displayed despite the darkness all around. You call out to her, professing your undying love, and she blushes coyly. She beckons you over, and you gracefully strut by her side. As you draw near, she moves in close, as if to whisper something in your ear, but she trips over something in the dark. You are able to catch her as she falls, as if in one of those romance movies you have seen. You stare into each other’s eyes for a short time. Her mane wafts gently in the breeze. She smells like your favourite cereal, Froot Loops. She whispers your name softly, and you lean in for the kiss. Do you:

a) Kiss her.

b) Do anything else that isn't option A.

Option A – You are just about to lock lips with your one true love, when suddenly, due to interesting and strangely hilarious circumstances, you die. Start from beginning.

Option B – You wake up. You quickly look all around you and check your body. You are in your home, and once again, human. You realize now that what you had just experienced was a dream. More importantly than that, however, you realized you are a very boring person. Honestly, who goes through a whole choose your own adventure, picking option B all the time? You decide that next time you dream you’ll try being a little more creative. Go to sleep. Start from beginning.

Challenge Night

(The following story was written in just over half an hour with no spell checking or going back to make changes or anything. It was a stupid idea, but that never stopped me before)

One upon a time in the world of ponycill twilight was walking down the street but then she came across pinkie pie who was all like what up and things were all intense but everything was fine, and then some of the blues brothers walked or trotted or whatever and they were all like “we’re on a mission from God” which made no sense to Twilight cause she was celestia’s only student. The brothers were all like she aint no god and thats when it got thang, its was around about this time when a meateor made of tofu struck the town centre rarity was in there and spike was all “NOOOOOOOOOOOO’ but it didn’t matter cause Rarity tgot out in the end thanks to some quick thing by robo-but who was like robo cop but a butt instead of a cop but he still could’ve been a cop if he wanted. Applejack also had plans of her own. She was aiming to become a new criminal master mind like in that chow that I never watched I think Breaking Bad is about drugs or the mob or something, dunno. Anyway Applejack has this wicked mad plan that had to do with all the stuff I mentioned so far, somehow it would all come together but we’ll get to that later, I nthe meantime Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy was off in Cloudsdale wich is a stupid name but I don’t care, and they were both flying around, Fluttershy had just been diagnosed with alzhiemers but she didn’t have it yet but she was going to in the futer. It was looking grim for her and Rainbow Dash was trying to cheer her up. It was sad yet heartwarming at the same time. My nose is super itchy making this kinda hard bit ima keep going,. Argh so itchy . back to Piknie pie who might have been doing something. I can’t remember what it was so we start over for her. Pinkie was just finishing up at baking good sugar place corner and was taking the twins for a stroll through the park if there is one. On the way she saw Twilight arguing with the Blues Brothers about what is something they were talking about, and Pinkie didn’t like that cause it was making the babies cry. Pinkie came up with a song to sing to them

When likfe is bad you gotta try.
Listen to old Pinkie Pie
I mean like stuff I say to you
Toodle toodle toodle doo

The actual song may have been better than that but sue me this is hard. The blues Brothers left content, and no one tell anyone or I might get sued, actually I think parody is OK so we call them the hues Brothers from now on even thought they are not in the story anymore. Tiwlight thanked Pinkie Pie and thats when they heard the noise of the town hall where Rarity was falling down,. I mean the Twon hall was falling down and Rarity was inside. They ran over as fast as they could, Spike was already there preparing to launch a thing maybe a rocket. Twilight told hime that was a bad idea but Spike was a rebel without a cuase, a Santa without a claus, a meno without a pause. Lololol. Anyway Spike fired the missle in an attempt to clear the debri but it accidently wen off in his claw hands and gave him a wicked burn, lucky dragons don’t burn so it didnt’ the debri had all disappeared, but in its place a final boss of the level but not of the game showed up, it was a giant pidgeon with lasers for eyes and just a whole lot of lasers. The birde didn’t poo on statues though so it was very difficult to know wheter or not to kille it cause on the one hand it doens’t poop but on the other hand I need the exp. Thats what Pinkie said cause she can break the fourth wall so screw it. Without any more missles The bird was able to fly up high and shoot its many lasers down at the ground some people spell it lazers but I don’t mind, we can all still get along. Twilight and the gang and Rarity was there now too I guess decided action was required, they decided to go get the rest of their friends but not Lyra cause she aint important enough its always the same 6 what’s up with that. First they went over to apple farm place, but little did they know that Applejack was the one who bought the Pidgeon from a shady dealer. But they didn’t know that which I may have said already, Apple jack was keen to stay aloof so she pretended hshe would help but was actually bad, boo on her I say. Earth ponies are so lame, Pinkie shoulda been a pegasus but w.e. know my scalp is itchy cause of dandruff, shoulda showered before doing this but too late. Know they had all the ground ponies, they needed the flyers as well, but Rainbow Dash was still trying to cheer up Fluttershy. Luckily FS eventually cheered up and now they are all together. Twilight said the need the elemnemnts of harmony, which arn’t as cool as the fifth element from the move with Bruce Willis but I guess that’s just personal opinion. What was the Fifhht element, was it just a perfect person or an abstract Idea like love or something, It has bee n a while since I’ve seen that move so I can’t really remember, I hink was was just orange hair chich but anyway lets move on.

New paragraph hat Canter lot where they happy go lucky friends are trying to get the elementrs back fomr Celestia but the princess needed them too, it turned out there was a fire breathing tortoise with nipples for hand terrorizing the crystal ponies I can’t believe I just wrote that there is something seriously wrong with me. Twilight asked if they could clear up the laser pidgeon first but prncess celestia said no. I just remembered I wrote something about Robo Butt before but I can’t rememeber what it was. Anyway he shouws up in Canter lot and demands to see the Princess Celestia but she wasn’t there causde she left with the Mane6 to go clear up the nipple torotaise at the crystal pony city. At least nipple tortoise is a better villain than Sombra hey oh edgy. Princes Luna said she would see Robo butt instead but he was all like no. I neve even watched Robo cop, I don’t no why I brought him up spelling mistake there but it’s too late.

Meanwhile at the crytal pony City which needs a shorter name. Twilight and here firends were done eating the tortoise which they made into soup, and Rarity made It shell into +3 armor but only had enought for 4 suits. They game them to the unicorns and earth ponies cause it’s too heay for pegasus which I now realize doesn’t make snese cause in the Christmas episoe the pegasus had armor but it’s too late now I gues I’m having reall trouble with the words no now and know sorry about that. Still itchy too where was I , tortoise is dead, And Rainbow Dash has mixecd feeling about thast cuase she has a pet tortoise and now she knows how delicious they taste but that’s a subplot for another day. Now that the Tortaoise was dead Twilight would finally be able to take the lemenets and destroy the Laser Pidgen who know also has neon burning claws but htere a bnetter name for that might be plasma WHY AM I SO ITCHY NOW OF ALL TIMES! Abyway now was the Time for Applejack to make her move , she stole the elements and kidnapped Rarity and Flutttershy cause they are pretty weak and easy to capture, Spike was killed by the tortoise in a very dramatic scene I forgot. Now Twilight pinke and RD had to save they are firends from Applejack, but even if they did that they still would not be able to defeat Pidgeon McGruff cause they would need Applejacks co operation with the elemts too what A dilemma , not sure about the capitol a there its just a thing,

Meanwilhe AJ had Taken R and FS to her new lair. TS RD andPP had to break in by getting past the guard first but it was Big Mac who Twilight secretly loved cause screw Flutter Mac shipping. Big Mac also secretly loved Twilight so instead of fighting them offered them a riddle which if they soulved they could get past of course the riddle was

In the end of all light
Shrouded with might
chase for the wind
evil that sinned

the answere was juicy fruit

Big maclet them past but afte RD and PP went throught Twilight confessed her feeling and that she might have to kille applejack. Big Mac understood and they kissed and it was so very dramatic and well made that I won an award for it. But mostly just screw FlutterMac shipping.
The three friends made it too the top where the others were now my nose is runny but I can’t stop yet this is what I call commitments I should tget a medal. Anyay they told AJ to give it up but secretly AJ wasn’t actually evil, she was just possessed but Discord who was evil now cause i prefer him that way. Discord showed his true form, that of a lady bug, and set about the demolish the tower the were on screw it I need a tissue brb sorry Im back i really needed to do that

That was really bad for me cause I forgot a lot but now I remembered
Everyone were able to put aside the differences they had cause there was a lot of side plots I missed and together they defeats lady bug Discord who really shold have been a Hercules Beetle now that I think about it but it no use crying over dead cats, ( live my life I had heaps of dead cats we live next to a road lots of car crashes too its sad but I wont unload on you all) now that all 6 of them were together again, the y would be able to defeat the giant pidgeon with the laser hands eye wings and plasma claws. But just as they were about too, something bad happend that incapacited Twilight don’t worry she still alive, Big Mac saved her I should write a romance novel. Anyway without Twilight they had no element of magic, but that when they hues brothers came back I can’t belive I remembered to call them that I am so awesome my ego is going under quite a trip right now. Anyway i should stop writing anyway all the tmie. The hues brothesjoined together to form one new sexy alicorn pony too take the element of magic, and with their new firned who wouldn’t have been their friend if not for Pinkie, they were able to defeat the pidgeon twice and for all, see what I did there? Thats what we call smart braining, and once again wait new paragraph first

And once again life in Ponyville was happy once again, Twilight and Big Mac got married and had seven lovely children, my family has seven children too but that was seriously an accident I didn’t get Twilight seven for that reason, FS was able to over come her disease somehow possible because of magic once again. Rainvbow Dash was never the same after everything they went through she she left everyone to go on a journey to find herself, turns out she was in mexico or mexicolt I guess the pony version would be, AJ could never forgive herself but eventually she did. Rarity decided to continue making clothes out of giant dead animals, but not small cute ones cause that would be cruel. She made an awesome suit from the pidgeon feathers that Big Mac wore on the wedding day. And finally was Pinkie Pie, she was able to finally go for a walk in the park with the twins, and everything was goood but I just remnered Robo Butt. He and the princesses both of them and him together had a spate journey that will take place in part 2 but that will never happen

THE END