EVERFREE: The Bitter Boogie of a Mare From Skaia

by PaprikaBluesAndCo

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Adventure, Violence, Slice of Life, Crossover, Human, Narcotics, Main 6, Lyra, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Bon-Bon
Length: 19014

Secret Agents Sweetie Drops and Lyra Heartstrings are assigned to supervise an enigmatic creature from another universe.

A crossover fic between Homestuck and MLP, featuring an original character as opposed to any canon Homestuck character.

Content warnings for suicide mentions, depictions of mental illnesses and disorders (Primarily DID or MPD), body horror, and Homestuck in general.

Events take place some time after Season 5’s Slice of Life.

Published 2022-08-01 17:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-08-25 02:26:36 UTC

1: Audio, Video, Radio, Disco

Lyra and Bon Bon had expected more of a fight.
When they had awoken to the numerous yelps of civilians cowering in fear at the moon hanging ominously in the daylight sky, they had feared that something awful had come to Equestria.

When they had heard that whatever took Luna’s magical pool had also taken some of her life force, and that Celestia was having to supply her own magic to keep her alive, they had geared up for a life or death scenario.

When Twilight had explained that she could not help hunt down the source of this issue, only provide a vague direction of where the source could be, because everypony was looking to her for guidance and leadership, and to her friends for controlling and consoling the inevitable panicked crowds, and therefore they were the only two that could take on this horrorterror on such short notice, they were truly and fearfully convinced that one of them would have to say goodbye forever.

Instead, what they faced was a shivering, sobbing, heavily injured mess of a pony. She was stumbling around like she didn't know how to walk on all fours, and indiscriminately jumping between having an argument with what seemed to be herself, and erratically attacking the trees in the Everfree. Sometimes, she left them in stumps and splinters, and in others, barely made a dent in the bark.

It didn’t take long to find her, because of the frequent screams of despair that came deep from within the woods. They didn’t even have to really make any command of authority. The second this strange pony spotted the two staring at her, the inner argument this mare was facing intensified, muttering something about “they’re going to kill me” and “this isn’t how I wanted it to go”, before collapsing weakly onto the ground. The pony looked up at the two agents, and confessed in a wavering voice, “We surrender.”

Princess Twilight was both delighted and shocked to see the secret agents return completely unscathed, while their quarry was quite thoroughly thrashed and barely able to stand. Bon Bon whispered in a private report that the strange mare had been found in that state, which gave Twilight some concern as well.

Her mixed emotions were overtaken by pleasant surprise, when she saw this culprit beg for mercy, mostly because this was the first time anypony, or anything, had simply gone down without a fight. Curious about the motive, Twilight asked her pseudo-prisoner, “What made you yield so quickly?”

The mare simply replied, “I know what happens to those who cross you. We’re too tired to elaborate.” She then began to sway uneasily. “I think we’re dying of dehydration again,” she muttered in a different voice, before she dropped onto the floor, motionless as any corpse could be.

She got better.

After recovering from what was definitely confirmed to be her death, she was given food, water, medical attention, and a chance to properly introduce herself. She told the Council of Friendship her name was C-Side Disco, and then introduced herself again in the second, distinctly different voice, this time as Dandy Curacao.
Dandy weakly extended her hoof in offering from the hospital bed, before C-Side pulled the hoof back, and hissed to her alter, “No, Dandy- they don’t shake hooves here! Much less with a princess!”
Twilight was stunned, to say the least, by this mare’s behavior. She gave a soft, but warm smile to Dandy, and offered her hoof out anyway. Awkwardly, Dandy ‘shook’ it, visibly relieved to see that Twilight knew what exactly shaking hands signified.

She was a magenta pony with a violet mane, and curiously, her heavily fatigued eyes were red and blue. They hid behind a pair of bent and scratched glasses, and one eye had an occasional twitch. Her cutie mark seemed to be a vinyl record, but with a soft grey color instead of charcoal black, with two highlighted lines shining across the diameter of the disc, signifying the red and blue motif once again. Her body was slightly stocky and muscular, almost like Applejack’s, but clearly starved of nutrition. It made her look like a ghoul at the time.

The most garish part of her appearance was the outfit, which Rarity had fainted at when she had the chance to see it. Deep dark browns and bright crimson highlights clashed against her magenta coat, topped off with the ever-so-obvious symbol of an open wound emblazoned across the chest.
Truly a crime against fashion, if it weren’t for the major crimes that this mare had already committed.

“So.. I need y’all to understand that.. this was a mistake.”
“I’m sorry?” Twilight responded, finally pausing from her frantic note-taking about her study on C-Side’s strange inability to die. They were surrounded by medical records and equipment, books that were brought in by Twilight to see if there was any correlation to past phenomena of death deniers, and a balloon with a card attached that read, ‘Get better soon so I can plan a Welcome-To-Ponyville party for you! -Pinkie”.
“We didn’t.. we didn’t mean to do this to the moon, or to Princess Luna. We- I- We’re so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Let us fix it for you.”
Twilight stared with wide eyes and a slightly opened mouth.
“Please..?” C-Side weakly added.
Twilight snapped back into reality. “..Oh! Yes, of course you can! I’d love that!”
“Really..?” Some vigor returned to the pony’s eyes.
“Yes! First you turn yourself in without any issue, and then you offer to rectify the damage? This is wonderful!!” Twilight threw her arms into the air in reverie. “You are such a different case from all the other times I’ve had to deal with somepony who messed with the Sun and Moon, it really takes a weight off of my shoulders! And, well, I’ll be honest, I’ve got a lot on my shoulders right now. With Celestia busy making sure Luna stays alive and stable, all of Equestria is going to be relying on my rule until Luna is back in good health.”

C-Side visibly shuddered. Twilight made a mental note to ask Celestia to please take it easy on this pony when all was said and done. C-Side turned to look out the window of the hospital, noting that some of the ponies spotted her from the outside and made a run for it. She grimaced.
“I’m worried someone’s gonna try and exact revenge on us, since, y’know.. I haven’t really explained the whole story yet to anyone. Anypony. Ugh.”
“Well... I can assign you bodyguards.” Twilight offered.

Lyra was not a fan of hearing this news.
“What do you mean we have to foalsit this mare?!”
The two of them had traveled the short distance to the Ponyville Hospital, where C-Side was had been given one last checkup before the two SMILE agents came to escort her out of the building. They trotted into the reception, flashed their badges, and explained they were here on royal business. The stallion at reception let them in, no questions asked. Back in the relative privacy of the hallways, Bon Bon picked up where she left off.

“That’s not what I said, and you know it. We just need to make sure she does what is asked of her, and that she doesn’t snap and start attacking other ponies. You saw what she did to some of those trees,” Bon Bon explained once again. “But Twilight can’t keep her in the Castle of Friendship forever; she needs to be somewhere outside of the public eye, so that she can perform her task uninterrupted. And who better to do that than the two mares who specialize, specifically, in going unnoticed?” Bon Bon finished with a glimmer of pride in her voice.
“So, yes, we’re foalsitting her.”
Bon Bon’s ears flattened in defeat, and she sighed. “If you want to see it that way, then yes, sure. We’re foalsitting this potentially extremely dangerous pony.”

Two Canterlot guards stood at their post, and looked at the two mares with a slight hint of contempt. “Nopony is allowed to enter. Princess Twilight’s orders.” Lyra rolled her eyes, and pulled out her SMILE ID from her suit pocket once again. Bon Bon did the same, to which the two soldiers inspected closely. One of them snorted. “Is this some kinda sick joke? There’s no such thing as a SMILE organizatio-” Before he was kicked rudely in the flank by his partner.
“Shut up and let em in, rookie.”

C-Side wanted desperately to float. She still hadn’t gotten used to walking around on all fours, and it was just so much easier to float around with the flight granted to all Skaian gods. Every time she tried to, however, Bon Bon would stop and tell her to get back to walking. Not out of spite or malice, but because C-Side was practically a living corpse only a few days ago, and floating around wasn’t going to help her image. And so, she stumbled through the streets of Ponyville with two suited up bodyguards flanking either side of her. Dandy would’ve been laughing about it if it was because they were drunk.

Now that both C-Side and Dandy thought about it, they agreed in their mind that they really could use a drink right now. But Dandy shook her head. “We can do that later.” Dandy reassured C-Side mentally. Dandy eyed the two mares surrounding them. “Which one do you think would be more likely to agree to sharing a drink with us, dear?”
“Okay, well, before you get any ideas, Dandy, I’m pretty sure they’re either girlfriends, or married. One of the two. I don’t wanna intrude on that, so, let’s not... Secondly, I think maybe Lyra would? But I’m pretty sure Bon Bon would know, and would want to be the designated driver, or whatever the equivalent of that is in this universe. Third, I think we can agree that a drink tonight would make our situation so much worse. I mean.. holy shit, the looks these ponies are giving us. I want to die, again, for real this time, Dandy.”

“Please don’t say that, dear.” Dandy whispered in her mind, very audibly hurt by C-Side’s remark. Unfortunately, the part regarding the looks they were getting was all too true, and it was making their shame burn them alive. C-Side caught glimpses of the CMC peering over from behind a bush, of Carrot Top and Minuette giving the trio a very wide berth, of Mayor Mare keeping her distance. Some of the ponies made the obvious move of diving into their homes and locking the doors, followed up by horrified peeking from their windows. It was killing C-Side internally to see her be publicly judged, to say nothing of the fact that these were folk that she had watched from the other side of the fourth wall so dearly. She was here, with her and her headmate as the only sign that her universe ever existed. This was reality now, with the threat of consequence making itself known with every turn.

Much to C-Side’s relief, they had finally arrived at what she assumed to be their destination. They went through a back alley and entered a random home through its backyard door. As they did, C-Side looked around, confused.
"Uhm, Miss Heartstrings? It looks like someone already lives here.."
"Yeah. We do." Lyra confirmed.
C-Side gave her a startled look. "Wha- huh? I'm not gonna crash on y'all's couch, that's weird. You're like my parole officers. That's weird."
"You're telling me!" Lyra rolled her eyes.
"Are there like, no pre-fabbed houses you can just stuff me in? I’ll take a cabin in the woods or something, we’re not picky."
“I’m a little bit picky,” Dandy gently rebuked C-Side’s statement, “I wouldn’t want to live in an abandoned warehouse.”

Bon Bon took off her shades, gave the mare a glance and grunted in minor annoyance. "Princess Twilight's orders were that we cannot lose track of you. We have a guest room you can use, just make sure that you don't go anywhere without notifying us, because at least one of us has to be in a close proximity to you at all times." She pointed to an open door with a basic kit of a bed and dresser drawer.

"Are you guys gonna like.. monitor us? Like do you have cameras in the walls? Will anything we say be used against us in a court of law? Do we need to plead the fifth and get a lawyer..?" C-Side's eyes were darting back and forth between Lyra and Bon Bon a little bit.

"What- no. You've already been apprehended and judged by Twilight. Your verdict was honestly pretty light, so you got lucky. Also, for the record, just Lyra is fine.” Lyra assured.

“What kind of authorities leave surveillance on their criminals like that, anyway?? And what in Celestia's mane does 'pleading the fifth' entail??" Bon Bon was beginning to regret finding this strange mare.

C-Side gave a soft chortle. "Oh, man. Remind me to tell y'all about how law stuff worked back on our planet when this is done." Lyra jolted to C-Side cartoonishly, which startled her. "Planet??" She squealed in excitement. "You're an alien?!"
"Oh, yeah, no, yeah. We used to be human. They’re like, mostly fur-less primates with no tails. We walked around on two legs, we had fingers on our front hooves which are like.. little ambulatory stumps at the end of a hoof. Like, uh... Spike! Spike has hands. Though, if I'm honest, I'm way more stoked to be a pony. Dandy, is, uh, ambivalent at best about it."

C-Side’s facial expression jumped from a weak smile to Dandy’s minor frown with softer eyes. Without even missing a beat, Dandy's voice was coming from this mare's mouth now. She sighed. "I wanted to be a dragon, but our-"
"Well, dragons are a thing here!" Lyra offered, interrupting Dandy.
"I know! That's why I agreed to come to this universe. You see-" Dandy was about to keep talking, when Bon Bon came in between them. "O-kaaay, look, glad to see you and Lyra getting along so well, but two things: One, you're supposed to be fixing the moon right now, and two, how do you know who Spike is? You've never met him before."

The mare sucked air through her teeth. “Hm. Well, we have two answers, both equally true,” C-Side began, “But one of them is an existential doozy that would probably make a lesser mind lose it from the implication.”
“Ooh! Ooh! I want the doozy! I want the doozy!” Lyra jumped up and down in excitement.

In turn, C-Side and Dandy shook their head together, and, somehow, said in both voices at the same time, “You don’t want the doozy.” Bon Bon was shaken by C-D’s fancy voice trick, and came to comprehend the impact of giving Lyra existential dread. She put a hoof on Lyra’s shoulder, which got her to stop.

“No, no. We’ll take the non-doozy.”

“So.. long story short... uh.. shit, this ones kind of a doozy as well.” C-Side began to contemplate her next choice of words, tapping her snout with a hoof.
“Our universe died.” Dandy bluntly started, waving the hoof around and stirring the air. “It died, and the entity known as ‘Skaia’, which is responsible for the death and birth of universes, chose us and some of our friends to partake in the massive and complex ritual necessary for the creation of a new universe.”

“But the thing is, as a reward for playing its game, you’re given godhood, and should you succeed, dominion over the new universe,” C-Side clarified. “We kinda fuckin’ failed that last part, but that’s not really important right now. We’re talking about how we know shit, and we know shit because we’re basically divinely ordained to.” Their voices both synced up to one another again, and this time, they tilted their head so that the light made the lenses of their glasses flash white, obscuring their eyes, they floated slightly into the air, and their outfit’s skirt began to flutter in the windless room. This time Bon Bon was sure it was for dramatic effect. “We are the Seer of Blood, and we understand and are changed by the Tradition, The Blood Bond, What Is Known, and the impact therein of the aforementioned, all for the sake of others.”

“Basically, we already know what the fuck going on,” C-Side concluded.

Lyra was a bit stunned by this news. “That was the non-doozy?”
“Yeah. The doozy would be like, wayyyy worse for you. Trust me. I’d know, because we’re supposed to know.” C-Side assured, then basically began to lean towards the privacy of the guest room. “Aaaanyway, Bon Bon’s right- I need to get started on figuring out how to fix the moon, so... later!” Before deftly floating into the room, and closing the door.

Bon Bon let her semi-stoic facade crumble. She threw off her suit coat, and flopped onto the couch. Lyra did the same, and the two relaxed together, finally getting a moment of peace, if only for now. Bon Bon sighed one more time.
“I really wish she’d watch her language.”

1.5: On To the Next Sensation

C-Side: Fix the moon already.

You don’t know who is supplying these commands anymore but you don’t really care. It seems you have a greater sense of the self in this universe. So you’re not going to, because you don’t know how to do that yet.

You’re trying to develop an understanding of how magic works in Equestria, since you’ve come to realize that magic here is an undeniable truth, unlike in Paradox Space, where its legitimacy and existence are a Category Schrodinger debate topic. Your home universe was more or less magic deficient, and nature abhors a vacuum, so when you arrived, you had essentially been heavily mutated by magic filling up the hole in existence you made. It was painful before, now it’s just annoying. Dandy really misses having fingers, but your current rudimentary understanding of Equestrian magic has allowed you to tap into your abilities and supplement them without the need for a magical implement, like a unicorn horn.

You are your own damn god. Hell yes.
You are also a pony.
Hell. Fucking. Yes.
You were quiet about it before, because you didn’t want to make yourself seem weirder to your hosts than you already have. But now, in the relative privacy of a room with a closed door, you are squealing in delight. You are taking advantage of this while you still can, feeling the strange contours of your body, getting to grips with walking on all fours, and stimming the hell out with your tail. Once you figure out where the muscles are, you cannot stop swishing that bad bitch. Dandy hopes that she’ll get her turn to stim in the ways that only a dragon could. Mostly breathing fire. She’d really love to do that.
In order to do that, you’d need to fix one of your Skaian Artifacts first, but that priority has taken a backseat to fixing the moon.

Shit, the moon. Right.

You stare at it for a while, considering what the hell the first move would even be. You’d wager asking Princess Celestia might help, if it weren’t for the fact that for some reason, every muscle in your body tenses up at the thought. You turn from the window and start pacing in a circle.

“I don’t think Celestia would hate you over this.” Dandy assures you. But your muscles stay tense. Something just felt wrong about it all in a way you did not know about yet. And as a Seer, that really throws you off your rocker. You and Dandy focus together, and reach into the world’s veins to see what exactly the truth here is, only to find nothing of use. The ponies in town feared you, ponies and other folks in other communities don’t know about you yet. All they know is that the moon is broken and refusing to set, even in the middle of the day.

Fuck! The moon! Focus, dammit!

You’re not exactly on a time limit, but you know that the sooner, the better. You need to figure out how exactly to get whatever magic you stole from Luna and put it back in her, ASAP. It makes you a bit anxious, but a sudden thought crosses Dandy’s side of the mind.
“Doesn’t that mean we have her magic right now?”

You decide to test this hypothesis. You turn back to the window where the moon is visible, and take aim.

2: Gravity Rides Everything

And just like that, the agents' moment of peace was over. They heard shouting from outside, something about- what else- the moon, and they immediately opened the door to C-Side's and Dandy's room.
"What did you do?" Bon Bon asked pointedly.

C-Side was staring out of a window at the moon, before turning around at the two mares. "Uh, well, we moved it." C-Side simply admitted. "But not in the way we were trying to."

It was closer now, and unfortunately for all of Equestria, that meant they could get a better look at it and see that it had been tinted red. The other two mares stood to either side of the Skaian mare.

"How in the hay did you move it?! You're not even an unicorn, much less an alicorn!" Lyra shouted.

"Did- did you miss the part where we mentioned obtaining godhood from Skaia? The very obvious declaration of our role in the greater stream of the narrative we reside in?" She gave Lyra a look of minor disdain.

Everypony in the room was quiet for a second, while more shouts of distress rang through the streets outside. C-Side looked back at the moon and considered her next action. Lyra began to back away a bit.
"You're a god." Lyra stated.
"Yes." Dandy said.
"Like Celestia, or Discord."
"Yuh-huh." C-Side muttered.
"And you have some weird brain thing that makes you act like two different ponies."
"Glad you noticed, dear." Dandy affirmed.
"And we have to look after you." By this point, Lyra was backed up against the wall.

"That’s what you said to us, yeah." C-Side looked over to Bon Bon, and raised a hoof at Lyra. "See, this is why I didn't wanna tell her the doozy. She can't even handle the idea that I'm dubiously immortal, and if that's enough to unjive her vibes, then I don't wanna tell her the second thing. You get me?"

Bon Bon tried to articulate a response, only for Lyra to interject, “Wait! Hold on! Dubiously immortal?! What does that mean??” It wasn’t a question of shock or fear, but of sheer bewilderment.
Dandy put her hoof back down gently. “Short answer: We can’t die unless our death is narrative-ly heroic or just.”
Lyra raised her eyebrows, signalling C-Side to elaborate.

C-Side blew a short raspberry. “If we die saving a life/many lives, that’s a heroic death, we don’t come back. If we die because what we did makes our death necessary, like murdering a buncha people, that’s a just death, we don’t come back.”
“But otherwise you’re fine?” Lyra tilted her head.

“Yeah, though it’s a gross oversimplification on the whole thing. But, like, I’ll be real, I feel like there are many ponies out there who want to take a stab at it. And if they get me, and what they think they did was necessary for their narrative perception of the world.. y’know. We’d beef it. I mentioned our worry to Twilight, and, she assigned you to us. So.. sorry? You gotta understand we’ve only been immortal for... uh... for, uh..”

She went silent for a time, before muttering. “How long has it been..?” For a moment, she looked lost.
Bon Bon cleared her throat, and said, “Are there any ponies that you think may come for you?”
C-Side returned to the present and shrugged. “Celestia.”
Lyra’s jaw dropped a bit. Bon Bon took a deep breath, and steadied herself. “Okay. Why do you think that?”
“Well, I just showed up outta nowhere, took her sisters vital magic pool, she’s having to keep her sister on life support, and we have already started fucking around with the moon. I dunno about you, but I’d hate me too. This was just supposed to be another Tuesday for her.”

Bon Bon pursed her lips. "Hmm. Right. The moon. Why did you do that?"

"It's because we figured, we might have Luna's magic pool, right? So this was a test to see if that was right, and, yeah. From there, I was trying to move it based on our understanding of gravitational pull - see, our planet was heliocentric, it orbited around the sun, but I think this place works on geocentrism? I think I'm gonna need to do some research on how the sun and moon work in this universe and I really don't want to talk to Celestia about that because I'm like half-sure she hates my guts, so, can we go to the library before sunrise tonight?"

"If you have Princess Luna’s magic, can’t you just like.. give it back to her..?” Lyra asked, finally approaching again.

"Yeah, but like. We don't have complete control over it. I don't understand the link we've established between our own power and the lunar magic of this world, so if I tried to return it without properly disconnecting from our form who knows what would happen!" C-Side was kind of dramatic, passively floating up into the air, and gesturing vaguely about her thought processes. “Like, Lyra, you’d probably know - magic here is no joke, yeah? You can seriously injure yourself and/or others if you use it wrong?”

For once, Lyra felt like this conversation might be relatively normal. “Oh, yea, totally, tooootally. This one time, Twilight did a spell that made everypony in Ponyville fight over her childhood plushie.”

“Yeah, or the time that Trixie Lulamoon bought an artifact that gave her extreme power and cut off Ponyville from any outside help, or the time that Applebloom used Zecora’s alchemy to develop cutie pox on accident, or the time that Pinkie Pie cloned herself like twenty times with a magical pond..”

C-Side kept on rambling about almost every magical incident that had occurred in this town. She floated around aimlessly, as if she had zero gravity, idly bumping into the walls as Bon Bon and Lyra simply gawked at her specific knowledge of past events in Ponyville. Bon Bon and Lyra looked at each other and shrugged. “She already knows what’s going on, I guess.” Lyra conceded.

The Castle of Friendship had an impressive library, at least from C-Side’s perspective. She hadn’t been in many libraries, but the ones she did go to were memorable, and this one took the cake. The Skaian mare was nose deep in books, as well as generally buried in them. It seemed the laws of physics were entirely different to what her old universe was like, and so she was basically having to learn how the world worked from the ground up again. This frustrated C-Side immensely, and Dandy always had a go-to solution for when she felt her alter grow irritated.

“I think we should take a break, Sweetheart.” Dandy muttered to C-Side. She responded with a soft shake of the head, and stared more intently at the book’s text, only to have her eyes glaze over. Even in other universes, academic jargon was still a Sisyphean task to get through.

“Oh, hello again, you three.” Twilight approached the table where Lyra and Bon Bon were disinterestedly reading some random fictional books they had found to pass the time. She seemed kind of frazzled, her eyes a little baggy from a day of royal stress. “Four? Sorry, it’s a little confusing with you.” Twilight gave a weak smile.

“Hello again, Princess Twilight.” Dandy opened. “If you want to avoid confusion, using ‘CD’ to refer to us collectively is fine.” She gave a warm smile to counter Twilight’s.

“I saw you managed to get the moon to move, which is, impressive for an Earth pony, to say the least! Could you maybe.. warn me next time, though? I just had to deal with a horde of reporters asking why the moon looks red now.”

“Sorry.” C-Side muttered. “We’re gonna try again soon, maybe today, to see if we can’t at least get the moon to set properly. Our understanding of what the celestial bodies are like was wrong because we were using the model of physics from our universe.”

“Princess Twilight? I don’t think she’s an earth pony.” Lyra whispered.

Twilight glanced over at CD, and saw her slowly sinking further into the book to hide. Twilight allowed Lyra and Bon Bon to report in their findings, and was a bit stunned to say the least.
“I’m not mad at you, but how come you didn’t tell me any of these things, CD?”
C-Side avoided eye contact. “You didn’t really ask much about where we came from. You were more focused on the fact that we came back from death, and we were like... super exhausted. Back-from-the-grave exhausted.”
“I suppose that’s fair. I am curious now, though... where did you come from, and how do physics differ from here?”

“Well.. uh.. we’re from another universe, as you know now. Our planet was just called Earth, it sure was An Earth. Everything in the universe was kinda based on gravity. Like.. imagine a blanket. The more mass something has, the more give it has in the blanket, right? Well, like, our Earth orbited around the Sun because the sun was massive. And the moon orbited around the Earth because the Earth was comparatively more massive. But here, the sun and moon aren’t.. that.”

“I see! And why do you want to move the moon again?” Twilight asked, taking a seat near C-Side and listening with interest.
“Well for starters I think it’d be nice for things to keep on running even while I try to find out how to detach Luna’s magic from our Skaia-given abilities and/or magic pool. If we have a greater mastery over Luna’s magic, we’ll run a lesser risk when we inevitably sever it from ourselves and return it to her. The sooner, the better, so if I figure this basic thing out, we’ll be able to work on the much more complex thing.”
“Very well. And this.. ‘Sky-uh?’”
“Skaia.”
“Skaia. Is it going to come for this universe?” Twilight asked, a touch more seriously.
CD looked Twilight straight in the eye. “No.”
“How can you be so sure?”

“This universe is so young. I can feel it, see it, breathe it. It hasn’t even been that long, relatively speaking, since its birth, and it’s got a looooong way to go before its death. The only way it would die is if something were to come kill it prematurely, like if Jack Noir, or Lord English, or Her Imperious Condescension found a way out of Paradox Space to come here, specifically. I don’t think they would because none of them have any reason to do so.”
“Who are...?” Twilight began.
“Some multi-verse grade assholes. I’m surprised me and my friends didn’t run into them out there.”
“C-Side, watch your language! We’re talking to a Princess!” Bon Bon gasped.
CD blinked. “I mean. We’re a god. I think we’re basically on her level.”
Bon Bon scowled. “There’s still such a thing as manners. Or did you not have those in your universe?”
C-Side leaned back in her chair from laughter, to which Lyra giggled in turn to herself. Bon Bon was initially a little taken aback, but when she saw Lyra laughing, a smile spread on her face.

“Hey, you’re smart.” Dandy offered when C-Side was done laughing. “You reckon you might be able to spare some time to help us get through these books?”

“I’d love to, but I don’t really have the energy..” Twilight admitted. “Honestly, teaching somepony else about the laws of physics sounds like a vacation for me.”

Bon Bon and Lyra saw something appear above them. A large, rectangular card, completely straight-edged and depicting some kind of thermos against a perfectly white square background. There was a little section of text beneath the image.

C-Side began muttering something to herself. “Coffee, god, n’ cigarettes, are all that I need.. s’all that’cha need just to break this routine..” As she did, the text began to highlight the words she muttered. The secret agents exchanged a look, and curiously, Lyra reached toward it.

“I’m sorry?” Twilight began, before being surprised by the sudden appearance of a thermos, which landed right in front of C-Side with no ceremony.

“Would some coffee help?” C-Side offered, holding up the thermos with her hoof. The mysterious card disappeared, causing Lyra to flop onto the table with the grace of a unicycle with a missing tire. Twilight glanced back over at the two, and shrugged off the weird display.

“Is it... fresh?” She asked with a mixture of desire and hesitation.

“I mean.. I technically brewed it in a place where time doesn’t exist, and the... method of storage I have keeps things in a sort of state of stasis. It’s about as fresh as it gets.”

“Hold on! You can’t just ignore what you did! What was that?” Lyra asked as she recovered from her mishap, brushing off a bit of dust from her shoulder.

“Guh, fiiine.” C-Side stuck out her tongue a little bit as she gathered her thoughts. “It’s something called a ‘Captchalogue’. Or a ‘Fetch Modus’. Pick your poison really. It’s like a subspace storage system that allows you to stash a lot of stuff, the catch is that every single variant of the system has some sort of funky ritual behind it when it comes to actually recovering or organizing the items you store.”

“And the ritual for yours is..?”

Dandy giggled, and then C-Side looked away shyly. “Karaoke.” They answered in unison.

Twilight was intrigued, and grabbed the thermos with her magic. “Really? So you can just sing a song’s lyrics and it’ll give you the item? I think that might be very useful for Equestria.. and maybe even beyond that! Is there any way you can replicate this technology for everypony?” She then moved to take a sip.

“Oh, you’re gonna wanna be careful, it’s super loaded on caffeine. And really-”

C-Side was interrupted by the horrid splash of coffee spat onto her face. “...hot.”

One sip was all that it took. Twilight was back in action, unnervingly so. She raced around the library, with CD floating behind, as they grabbed the books that were actually relevant to CD’s plight. As they made circles around the library, Bon Bon and Lyra sat and watched the chaos unfold.
“Do you think we can handle her?” Lyra asked.
Bon Bon rested her head on her hoof and clicked her tongue. “Well.. she’s at least sentient and capable of reason. That’s already way better than the bugbear that made me go on the run last time.”
“Yeah, and she’s an alien, which is like.. so cool. Weird and unsettling that she’s a god, but still cool.”
“Do you actually believe that nonsense?” Bon Bon asked.

Lyra looked at her best friend with a hint of shock. “What do you mean nonsense?”
“It’s obvious she’s just a weird pony with weird magical powers. There’s no such thing as a Skaia, or other universes. I feel like it’s all delusion! Why else would she start spontaneously acting like somepony else out of nowhere? She’s just not all there in the head.”
Lyra gave Bon Bon a look. “Bon Bon.. I think she’s telling the truth. You saw the weird card.. thing. She flies and uses magic without any obvious indicator that she’s magical.”
“Then how does she know the history of Ponyville? To the point where she was able to detail magical mishaps that were covered up by SMILE?” Bon Bon retorted.
“Well, it’s that.. Seer of Blood thing, obviously!”
“I’m not convinced. If she showed me something that proves her whole.. ‘universe’ being real, then I’ll consider the rest of it to maybe be true. But for now, I just think she’s as weird as Discord.”

By the time that Twilight was done lecturing, the crest of dawn began to call to the sky of its arrival. Bon Bon and Lyra had long since fallen asleep, and the two were magically placed onto the comfiest sofa that Twilight could find in the library.

CD had a lot to work with now - the sun and moon were not physical objects, but magical constructs that were essentially massive invocation spells. The planet itself had no need for orbit because the Sun and Moon were part of it, and outer space, as far as anypony knew, was a sort of bubble surrounding the planet. The other realms were other bubbles, and so those realities had their own laws of physics to deal with.

And so, sleep deprived and riding on coffee, Twilight and CD ascended to the highest point of the building. For some reason, needlessly dramatic music played as the duo climbed the stairs. The moon had continued to sit patiently, awaiting a new order. Twilight wasn’t sure if CD actually had the capability to move the moon, and looked on with curiosity, prepared to take all of the notes in the name of Scientific Discovery. CD reared onto her hind legs, pressed her forelimbs onto her head, and concentrated.

The moon grew redder, the bloody symbol etched in the stone above glowing hot as melted irons, and the symbol on CD’s chest burned just as brightly. Red and Blue veins shimmered through CD’s body, and she began to heave with the effort and concentration of moving the moon as she did before - but instead of calling it away and sideways, like she had assumed on the gravitational scale, she moved it downward in an arc along the sky. It dipped forward, not used to the humane hands that were currently touching it, seemingly groaning in defiance before it gave way to its new master’s commands, and settled down beyond the horizon to sleep. CD then dropped to the floor, and fell asleep on the balcony, the last of her energy spent. Twilight shrugged, popped open the flask of coffee that C-Side had been carrying, and had another drink before walking back into the castle to be ready for today's political kerfuffle.

3: Though You Sealed The Cave Up Where You've Lain Its Body - It Rises

CD felt like something was off. Her eyes snapped awake, and she immediately drew her legendary bow from the STRIFE SPECIBUS card (which was essentially an inventory slot specifically for a weapon) she kept on her. Though ponies weren’t built for walking on their hind legs, they could easily stay up if need be, which CD took to her advantage as she notched an arrow onto the string, and surveyed the landscape of the world beyond the balcony of the castle.

No monsters, yet. Celestia was not aiming the sun directly at her face, yet. Twilight had not discovered the power behind alchemizing endless coffee, yet.
She held that thought, and checked her inventory. No, her pocket alchemiter was still there. The lyrics on her Karaoke modus sang, ’You should'a tried to hide it, belie it, deny it / Now this is as good as it gets / And there is nothing that can keep the job and you from integrating / So you better get used to it’ to her, and she had to hold back from singing along to the melodies in her head. She put her fetch modus away and returned to eyeing the sky, checking for her last current concern.

No. Princess Luna had not come by with Discord to do a double-dunkaroo-discharge combo. “Good,” C-Side thought, “then this is just anxiety.”
“And anxiety goes away with a lovely day,” Dandy followed up. She looked up at the sky to appreciate the weather, and only then did she see it.

A Skaian gate was hovering in the sky, not moving, not producing anything like meteors or mysterious packages and enigmatic contents, and that alone made her fur stand on end. All confidence she had in escaping Skaia was lost. She stared at the intricate lines that ran over and over again through its radius, a pattern that had come to mean doom for her.

Finally, to her relief and dismay, something emerged. A worm-shaped, lightning bright purple creature fell from the gate and landed on the balcony in front of CD with a horrid splat, to which she backed up as much as she could while still being able to see it. Its shape thrashed and trembled as it took the form of a ghostly figure, with the head of a last-generation radio one would find in a flea market.
It was CD's Sprite from her Skaian session, the thing that was meant to teach her the ways of the Game even though she had already known long before entering Paradox Space. It was corrupted and jittery, and moved like it was aware that it had essentially been recovered from the great recycling bin of the void.

"No. Nononononono. Why are you here." CD muttered in fear. "What is Skaia doing here?"
The Radiosprite made a horrid KKSSRCCHHRGGGTTTT as it seemed to tune into this universe’s frequency. The static melted away as a freakishly familiar voice made its way through the air waves.

“YOU’RE LISTENING TO 413 POINT π FM RADIO (GENERIC CROWD CHEERING), THE HOTTEST GUIDE IN PARADOX SPACE. WE PLAY NOTHING BUT [KRRRT] [BEEEPDDEPEEPEEEEEP] AND [BWWWWWWWWWWWWOUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA]. WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST INTERVIEW TODAY WITH SESSION ESCAPEES [BLEEEP] AND [BEEEP].”

CD winced.
“OH. APOLOGIES FOLKS, THERE’S BEEN AN EDITORIAL ERROR. THOSE NAMES HAVE BEEN SET ASIDE FOR A CHARACTER INVOLVED IN A MORE RELEVANT NARRATIVE. WE'RE HERE WITH [C-SIDE DISCO] AND [DANDY CURACAO] TO INFORM THEM THAT THEIR ROLE AS HUMANITY'S AMBASSADOR IS FAR! FAR! FAR! (FOGHORN SFX) FROM OVER!"

C-Side flattened her ears. Dandy raised an eyebrow.
“There’s humans in this universe, though. We’ve seen them.” Dandy clarified. “And we’re kinda.. we’re busy fixing the moon, uh.. it’s not gonna buy that, it doesn’t give a shit about a moon. or Luna.” C-Side muttered to herself.
“THOUGH YOU ARE CORRECT IN NOTING THAT HUMANS EXIST IN THIS UNIVERSE, DO TAKE NOTE! SAME NAMES! SAME COLORS! IT IS A MIRROR WORLD, BUILT ON A FACSIMILE OF THIS REALITY! ONLY SELECT FEW HAVE NO COUNTERPART TO SPEAK OF! LIKE YOU! CONGRATULATIONS.”

“Eh, it has a point there, Sweetheart.” Dandy conceded. C-Side’s frown only deepened. It explained a lot about why Equestria Girls was Like That - at least in this reality. In hers, it was just a marketing ploy of debatable laziness.

“LET’S GET RIGHT DOWN TO THE HEART OF THE MATTER - THE HEARTS! THE FOUR DARK HEARTS OF HUMANITY HAVE BEEN RESTORED FROM OBLIVION AND HAVE COME TO TAKE ROOST IN BEAUTIFUL, IDYLLIC, SUN-REIGNED EQUESTRIA!” At this moment, the Skaia gate spat out the aforementioned Hearts - horrid sculptures of anatomically correct human hearts, all of them mutilated in their own freakish way. Then it imploded into non-existence once again, leaving this corrupted ghost of a machine alone with CD, the four hearts orbiting around the Sprite.
“DO YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO CARRY THEM IN YOU AND UNDERSTAND THE ULTIMATE ART? DO YOU KNOW THE LYRICS TO THE GREATEST SONG OF ALL? NOT YET! SHOULD YOU SUCCEED, THE SKAIA WILL NOT COME TO COLLECT ANY DEBTS THAT YOU MAY OWE - GUARANTEED!”

“And if we... don’t...?” C-Side squeaked.
“YOU WON’T REGRET IT BECAUSE THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT OF YOU TO REGRET WITH!”

The Four Dark Hearts darted away in the sky from the castle and over the horizon. CD did her best to keep an eye on where each one landed from her vantage point, but they were going for quite the distance. She grimaced.
“Are you at least going to provide... assistance again?”
“NOPE! YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN BUDDY! THIS HAS BEEN FUZZBALL MCLAUGHERTY, SIGNING OFF INTO THE VOID ONCE AND FOR ALL! FAREWELL!”

The sprite exploded violently and sent CD flying.

“I’m telling you, she probably just went back home!” Lyra argued. They were walking away from the entrance of the castle, looking around for CD.
Bon Bon wasn’t having it. “We need to find her, and make sure that she isn’t doing anythin-”

A loud explosion rang from the top of the castle. Lyra and Bon Bon looked up, and saw that CD was falling off the side of the balcony - and they knew it was her because she had still never taken off that gaudy outfit.
Her agonized scream came to a halt with the pavement, and she spent the next few minutes nursing her injuries and resetting a few bones. Lyra found it disturbing, but Bon Bon was actually providing pointers for CD, which CD found immensely helpful.

“Are you going to be ok?” Lyra asked, rubbing her forearm with her free hoof in squeamishness.
CD tested her limbs a bit. She stood up, winced, and then made a few steps, only to decisively start floating. “I’ll need to get something from our inventory, but I think afterwards we’ll be okay.”
"And that explosion, where did it come from?" Bon Bon asked.
"You wouldn't really believe us if we told you."

Bon Bon and CD stared at each other in silence for about ten seconds, before Bon Bon shook her head.
"No, no, you're right! I wouldn't. Whatever it was, you still have to deal with the moon and Princess Luna's magic, and-"

A small beeping went off somewhere. Instinctively, C-Side muttered a little ditty - "Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me" - pulled out her phone and checked it. Bon Bon gave a confused look at C-Side, before seeing that Lyra pulled out her magic pager. The little light was flashing, indicating that SMILE had summoned her, and C-Side assumed that Bon Bon would leave as well since they were unofficially their own unit in many ways. C-Side put away her phone, and gave a shrug.

“Well... we gotta go fix the moon. Have fun at work. We’ll be in the guest room.” C-Side said with a hint of victory. She floated away from the duo before being engulfed in Lyra’s magic and pulled back.
“Nope! It’s just me!” She gestured to Bon Bon, who revealed her own pager wasn’t beeping like Lyra’s was. “ So you gotta stick with her! Twilight’s orders!”
CD and Bon Bon gave a slight frown at the same time.

Bon Bon was always fussy about presentation. She gingerly brushed her best friend’s mane, gently making sure that she didn’t yank too hard on any knots she found. This was one of the few times that Lyra held still, which Bon Bon cherished, and was extra careful to brush it down just the way Lyra liked it- leaving the one short strand of hair sitting halfway across her face, letting another strand wrap around her neck as the rest cascaded down her shoulders. She then moved to adjust Lyra’s tie, to not pulling it too tight for Lyra while keeping it in a professional state. Lyra tugged a bit at it anyway, but Bon Bon didn’t seem to mind.
“You be careful out there.” She whispered to Lyra.
“Of course. I wouldn’t risk losing my best friend just because I did something dumb.” Lyra grinned, flipped her sunglasses onto her head, and trotted out the door. Bon Bon wordlessly walked into another part of the house.

CD slowly, quietly, and motionlessly floated into the guest room and shut the door with tact. She exhaled, and shuffled through her inventory. “See, Dandy?” C-Side whispered in her head. “Absolutely gay.”
“It’s a mystery that didn’t need solving yet, I think. They probably aren’t aware of it yet.”
“Yet.... hm. Do you think we’re fucking up the narrative?”
“Oh, absolutely. I’m pretty sure Celestia and Luna weren’t out of commission in the show.”
Finally, she found what she was looking for. She had a few cards dedicated to these, but her supply obviously had run low during her escape. She moved to deploy the pocket alchemiter, singing the lyrics quietly to herself as the relatively small machine thumped onto the ground. CD winced, and looked at the door to see if it had gotten Bon Bon’s attention.

Nope. Sweet.
She loaded her desired card onto the machinery and checked her materials. She didn’t even really need to - killing thousands of monsters during her escape attempt left her filthy rich with alchemy material from her session, and so for now, she could make practically anything she wanted. She watched as the machine produced a totem, carved it, and then printed the item with a needle-like extension. There, a small roll of ground up plant sat on the surface of the machine.

Dandy grinned. She had personally named this combination of sweet, beloved, medicinal herbs “Everywhere At The End of Margaritaville”. All the couchlock of sativa with all of the medical benefits of the best healing powers in Skaia. A friend, a Life player, managed to find this recipe during their quest. Their sacrifices would not be forgotten. CD gave a silent salute mimicking the TF2 Sniper’s melee taunt, and Dandy equipped her weapon - the Strife Specibus read “BartenderKind”, and took hold of an ornate lighter with the visage of Lt. Columbo engraved into the rich metals. This lighter was the type that automatically lit the flame when it was opened, which was immensely convenient for their current finger-less form. They moved to the window, opened it quietly, and lit the joint.

The electrochemistry in CD’s body was satisfied as they took a few hits of the blunt, keeping a steady eye on their sobriety - but before she knew it, she went too far, and then kept going for good measure. Their eyes drooped, their smile wobbled into a wide giggle, and their body began to sway back and forth gently. After finishing off most of the joint, they snuffed it out with a hoof and captchalogued it to dispose of safely later. They then pulled out a candle, the label reading, “Oceanside Marriage” - whatever the hell that meant - and lit it. Within minutes, the smell of salty air filled the room. C-Side enjoyed the fact that her nerves were no longer on edge, and her bones were definitely no longer broken. She could get to work with a clear mind, she thought.
Dandy knew better, of course.

Bon Bon’s store was connected to their house. It made things convenient for her, and even more convenient when Lyra moved in. Even now, the dividends kept paying out, because now she could remain in civilian mode while keeping an eye on CD. While she had been busy helping out customers pick out what candy they might’ve wanted, the store was now quite silent. Bon Bon realized she wasn’t a fan of how equally quiet CD was being. She looked up from her confections in progress, and decided that it could wait a few minutes. She flipped the sign on her business door, which said “Will return at”, and a clock with paper hands pointing to about ten minutes from now.
Inside the house proper, she heard a deep, low buzz, followed by a sharp PFFT, and a cascade of fizzles and crackles, like a firework going off. She knocked on CD’s door.
“..Yea?”
“What are you up to now?”
“..We’re working?”
“On?”
“The magic pool.”
“Can I come in?”
“I guess.”

Bon Bon tentatively entered the room, only to see that yes, they were indeed working on the magic pool. She could tell because there was a somewhat unstable orb, about the size of a baseball, of navy blue magic hovering above them, which immediately caught her attention. But for a second, she could’ve sworn that CD looked slightly different with some of Luna’s magic removed from her, but she couldn’t tell quite how. Taller, maybe?

Once again, the sound of a firework went off as the magic exploded and rocketed back into CD. Bon Bon covered her eyes. Once she was sure the flash was gone, she looked back at CD, who was prone on the ground, belly up, alternating between C-Side’s swears and giggles and Dandy’s reassurances that they were on the right track.
Dandy looked up at Bon Bon, and said, “I’ve elected that we are taking a break.”
Bon Bon sniffed the air. “It smells like a bonfire at Silver Shoals. What did you do in here?”

She then observed CD’s wavering motions as they attempted to stand back up. “And what happened to you?”
Dandy was better at acting sober. “It’s a side effect of our medicine that we use to recover from emergency injury. Just some.. minor inebriation.”
Bon Bon’s jaw tightened, her nose wrinkled, and she squinted. “Sure, medicine, and not ‘marijuana’.”
“Mm, well, I didn’t say what herb it was, to be fair!”
“Weed is not a medicinal herb!” Bon Bon stomped the ground lightly, making the floor shake just a bit.
“It can be. It’s a really good painkiller. Humans used it all the time!” Dandy assured. “And moreover, this one is mixed with herbs that actually do heal rapidly, a friend of ours obtained them before their untimely demise in Paradox Space.”

Bon Bon’s initial bristle softened, as every ounce of her realized what that meant. She figured CD could lie about space-deities and universe creation myths, or other universes dominated by furless primates, or whatever else this mare had in store.
But internally she knew, undoubtedly, this mare wouldn’t lie about death. “Oh. You.. your friends died out there?”

CD’s inebriated smile lessened. “Mhhm. We’re.. the only ones left from our universe - we are the only proof it ever existed.” Her blue eye began to water up, her red eye remained soft and cool.
“Is that why you came here? You had nopony left in your life?”
“You could say that. But let’s not think about that - for now, at least.” Dandy softly said, wiping the tear from her eye.
She straightened up again. “Something hands-on to distract us and recenter our vibes would be good for us, I think. You need any help at your store?”
Bon Bon sized up Dandy’s offer. Of course she’d know about the store. But having an extra pair of hooves while Lyra was gone would be useful, even if they were just responsible for the front of the store while Bon Bon made her confections.

“You have any experience selling stuff?”
“We did work a lot of retail in our old universe. It was a hardware store.”
“That should be fine then. But I am not letting you in there until you take off that outfit first.” She pointed a hoof at CD’s godtier outfit.

Lyra arrived at Canterlot station a few hours later. Her sunglasses and sharp suit made her nigh-unrecognizable to other ponies, so she walked with confidence towards the briefing at the Undisclosed Location.
That was the name of the store. “Undisclosed Location”. It was a storefront with multiple functions - First, for offloading any dead or worthless artifacts and spinning them as antique decorations for ponies to buy. Second, SMILE used it to keep an eye out for any ponies who would know the significance of any of these items. If they did, they were taken into the back to have their knowledge of the item erased. After the Alicorn Amulet incident, nopony could be too careful.

Third, to be a secure meetup place for anypony within the organization. Lyra casually sauntered inside, and flashed her badge at the stallion running the counter, who pressed a button under the register to open the back door.
She didn’t expect Princess Celestia and Luna to be there, sitting at a table that was not built for their statures nor their status.
“Agent Heartstrings.” Celestia greeted, casually sipping on a cup of tea. Luna looked like she hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep at all since the incident - her mane was matted and starless, her eyes had deep circles, and she looked to be only half-present to the situation. Celestia didn’t look much better.

“Princess Celestia,” Lyra gave a polite kneel, choosing to maintain her distance unless offered a place at the table.
“Please, come and sit with us.” Celestia offered, to which Lyra complied. Once she had gotten relatively comfortable, Celestia began to speak once more.

“I understand you’ve become C-Side Disco’s chaperone while she endeavors to return my sister’s magic.”
“Mhhm.”
“Has she told you anything about an entity known as ‘Skaia’?”
“A lot, actually. Mostly the fact that it is responsible for the quote, ‘death and birth of universes’.”
“Did she mention anything about immortality.” More a statement of dread than a question.
“Also a lot. Claimed to be a ‘Seer of Blood’.”

“Okay, so she’s not even hiding it.”
“No, ma’am.”
“It could be worse. Could be a Thief or Rogue, or something of Doom or Rage. A Seer can be relatively harmless, should she know her purpose.” Luna contributed half-heartedly.

“There’s another thing I feel like I should report.” Lyra braced herself.
“Go ahead, agent.”
“She claims she used to be a ‘human’ before arriving in Equestria.”

Celestia’s face darkened. Lyra had never seen a scowl like this from the matron of the Sun, and she was afraid. Celestia took a moment to breathe, collect herself, and calmly put the teacup down before she magically picked up a random piece of wood in the room and crushed it into splinters.

“She also .. thinks you hate her guts?” Lyra gulped, looking at the sawdust next to the table.
“She is not totally incorrect.” Celestia admitted. "If I were able to, I would gladly banish her from this universe."
Lyra gawked a little. Celestia then shook her head, clearing her mind.
"No, no, that's hyperbole. I'm lashing out. But it's more because of her heritage. What could follow in its wake. An encounter with a human in Equestria has never ended on peaceful terms.”
“Humans are ... creatures of disharmony and war, of greed and grief, and nightmares.” Luna began. “One in control of my magic is already woeful, for she is not looking after the realm of dreams. Nightmares run amok in the minds of ponies everywhere. One who is a goddess of Skaia is something to be feared.”
“But she wants to fix things and return your magic to you?” Lyra squeaked.
“She knows she cannot win a fight against the Elements of Harmony. She will return my magic and leave this universe without quarrel, I believe.” Luna muttered.

“Permission to speak out of turn?”
“Granted.” Celestia nodded.
“If Agent Sweetie Drops and I.. managed to, say, bring her to understand the magic of harmony, and, maybe, reject her humanity, would she be allowed to stay?”
Luna and Celestia looked at each other.
“Why?”
“If what you’ve told me about humans is true.. she’s like an outlier. She hasn’t done anything violent or greedy. In fact, if I may be so bold? She said she was, quote, ‘Stoked to be a pony’.”
The sisters slowly tilted their heads, looking at Lyra like she had five eyes. Then back at each other, back at Lyra, back to the table, back to Lyra.

“Give us time to think about it. In the meantime, we grant you full authorization to begin befriending C-Side Disco to try and sway her from her origins.” Celestia nodded. “If she detests humans as much as we do, there may be hope to ensure that Equestria doesn’t fall to her godly influences. However - if she shows any signs of drive to take the story of Equestria into her own hooves, you report it right away. Your past assignments have shown you have a knack for figuring out a pony’s true intentions.”
Lyra nodded.
“Thou art dismissed, Agent Heartstrings.” Luna sleepily waved a hoof. “And good luck.”

Alone in the room together, Celestia turned to Luna. “At least it doesn’t seem like C-Side knows about us in the slightest. Let’s get some donuts and go home.”

3.5: Practiced Up In Stumbling Round

Dandy: Be the best salesmare in the history of Paradox Space.

So far? So good. Except you’re not in Paradox Space.
Also good. Nopony has noticed your strange demeanor, or your reddened eyes, or your funky smell, or how you talk to your self a lot. One even asked if you knew Tree Hugger, whoever that was. It wasn't the weirdest thing they saw in Ponyville, now that you had your Godtier garb off.
C-Side still wasn't a fan of being nude, which is why she hadn’t done so earlier. Sure, clothes are optional at best here, but old habits die hard for ex-humans.

You, however, are a dragon on all levels except physical. You’ve never perceived yourself as anything different, since the day you went vocal and started talking to your headmate. And you’re fronting now, so as long as you’re in charge, you’ll do as the Romans do. And once you get Disco II functioning again, you'll-

A ghastly gasp breaks your concentration. Oh, it's Pinkie Pie - you think. C-Side is the one who knows things about this universe. You’re just happy to breathe real air and eat real food. She seems stunned to see you.
“Hey there, how can I help you today?” You smile and wave. She darts back out of the store.

“C-Side?”
“mm.”
“Why did Pinkie just do that..?”
“Chances are she’s realized that we are no longer in the ER and are fit to have a party thrown for us.”
“...You think she knows what booze is?”
“Season One - Episode 24 - Pinkie Pie remarked that the ‘punch has been spiked’. So... yeaa? Probably. If she’s willing to make cheesy puns about it.”
“There may be hope for the Jimmy Buffett in me yet.”

Hours pass. Nobody arrives in the store for a while. Not even in between bathroom breaks, which is always what happened at The House Warehouse. You decide to take advantage of this quiet by pulling out your most precious Skaian artifact - Disco II.

A pendant in the shape of a Disco Ball undergoing mitosis, mutated by little limbs of glass. Rarity - you think? The white mare with the penchant for fashion, who you can honestly see yourself getting along with - would absolutely think it horrid. But ever since your arrival in Equestria, the thing won’t shine bright at all. Despite the numerous mirrors on both spheres and all of their limbs, nothing has made it reflect the light necessary for you to manifest a new body.

Now, obviously, you don’t hate sharing the same space as C-Side, but out in the Void, you had gotten used to working as a literal team. You ponder its quality and wonder if it needs to be imbued with the magical constant of this universe before it’ll work again.

Now, neither of you really know magic. You moved the moon because you’ve seen it done before, and understood the gist of it, but you are not as studied as any unicorn worth her salt. As a Seer of Blood, you bear witness to the past events and comprehend the inner details and impact, which means that when C-Side saw the Season 4 finale, she used that as her reference point for moving the moon.

You return to reality upon hearing the door to the shop ring. You look up to see a trio of - oh fuck oh hell they’re so small. Who let kids be this small?? Wow, they are just adorable!! Three kids - fillies? - come in to the story carrying a few meager bags of bits between them. They see you and gawk for a bit, before approaching you.

“Hey! Are you C-Side Disco?” The orange one asks you. She has a rather stylish purple mane.
“The other side of disco, yes. Dandy Curacao. What brings y’all down here tonight?” You rest your head on your hoof - ow - and try to seem nonthreatening.

The white one with the lavender mane is confused. “What do you mean? You look like C-Side Disco.”
“You ever hear of multiple personalities before? We’re essentially two people in one mind.”
“So you think you’re two different ponies?”
“It’s more than just ‘think’. We just are two different ponies.”
“Woooow. Applejack was right. You are a lil’ crazy. I can respect it.” The apple-colored one says. You give a really hearty laugh at that. Kids say the darndest things.
“Well, I guess you’re not wrong! But aren’t we all fruitcakes in the kitchen?”

Your musical reference definitely doesn’t land. Kids, not knowing music from two generations ago, another universe away.
You shrug. “You kids here to buy something?”

After some deliberation, they spend their hard-earned allowance on a menagerie of candies, and you note that the white one keeps eyeing you. When they finally come up to pay, she asks you a question in a hushed voice.
“Are you evil?”
“You want the simple answer, or the weird one?”
She sits on that question. “Weird one.”
“We’re only as evil as anybody can be. And right now, we have no reason to act selfishly. Just stupidly.”
She got a giggle out of that one. “Yeah, I’ve done dumb stuff myself. Well, okay! I just heard some stuff from Rarity about seeing a scary statue flying in the sky towards Appleloosa, and she thought it was from you. See you around, Miss Dandy!”

Well shit.

4: But That Night Really Knocked Me Down

Lyra returned from her trip and saw CD running the store. She noted that CD was toying around with some weird, kinda shiny object in her hooves. She looked up from the counter and gave Lyra a gentle wave.
"That was quick. Welcome back." Dandy greeted.
"Hello, random, civilian." Lyra said through a stiff voice. She sidled up to CD and held a hoof up to her face for secrecy, even though nopony was in the store. "Psst. CD! It's me, Lyra!"
"Lyra, I think we're the only folks in Equestria who aren't fooled by the 'putting on suits and glasses makes you someone else entirely' thing."
"Oh. Okay."

She was silent for a bit.
"Do you... wanna beeee... frrriiieeends?" She said it as if befriending CD was taboo.
"Oh, well, yeah. That'd be great!" Dandy gave a warm smile. "Did Twilight order you to befriend us in the name of.. hm. C-Side, what are they based on again here?"

Her voice went flat as an exhausted C-Side answered. "Harmony. Magic is an essential aspect of Equestrian life, and the greater bonds one has, the stronger their magic can be for the world."
"Thank you, Sweetheart." She gave herself a little cheek rub to display affection to her alter. Lyra looked a little weirded out in response.

"You didn't know, but she did?"
"Our memory is.. selective. We can share information but it's not always communal in here. Anyways, like we said, was it Twilight who asked you to befriend us?”
“Yyyyeah. Yeah! Twilight. Princess of Friendship, that’s her!” Lyra nodded heavily, almost cartoonishly.

Dandy nodded in turn and said, “Well, I’m the kind of lady who likes to groove. You know any fun places that we could party hearty?"
"Dandy, no!!" C-Side yelped out of nowhere.

Lyra's eyes dilated and she ducked down. A pink blur burst into the shop and stopped millimeters from CD’s face.
"DID SOMEPONY SAY PARTY?"
Dandy was stunned for a moment, blinking, before she recovered and gave a goofy grin.
"Depends! Will you have booze?"

They did have booze. Dandy was ecstatic, and C-Side wasn’t far behind. She at least had the sense of mind to raise the moon a little early, just in case she'd be too tipsy to remember later. However, in the back of their mind, they were souping up a plan. They didn’t know how, but they had to get to Appleloosa, and they knew that some trains ran all the way over there. C-Side considered the plan of action, replaying possible scenarios over and over again in her chunk of the mind.

A straight shot flight would be obvious. Even without their outfit, they didn’t have wings, which would stick out and draw attention. Asking Twilight for help could make things worse, she was already looking exhausted from having to be the impromptu monarch due to CD’s interloping. It was obvious that Bon Bon was skeptical, but Lyra might be able to sway her if CD used the right words. Otherwise, this would probably have to be done alone. And so, C-Side began to prep for the worst case scenario.

This left Dandy free to partake in the festivities, and get absolutely inebriated. Some of the ponies grew friendlier to the new gal in town, but most kept a respectable distance away. They didn’t want to risk having their blood seen, or whatever the rumors were saying.

Pinkie Pie was obviously her usual chatty self, but Dandy found herself enjoying the conversation with the ponies that Pinkie pushed her up to before randomly bouncing off.

"Earth? I haven't heard of a town called 'Earth'." Octavia said, somewhat indignantly.
"Oh, no, it's a planet, hehehe! We're from another world!" Dandy cheered, making sure not to spill her drink even though she was already tipsy and still high. Vinyl was skeptical but interested.

"Alright," Octavia began, "Tell me about something from your world that ponies don't have!" She pointed a dramatically challenging hoof towards CD, who gave a thoughtful hum in response, and kicked the ground gently in contemplation.
"Well.. there's guns, computers, the Internet, television shows, cars and highways, smart phones-"
"Smart.. phones? A phone can't be smart, it's inanimate." Octavia retorted.
Her glasses flashed. Of course! This society didn't have smart phones - a wouldn't for a long while.

Dandy, in her drunken state, decided it was a good idea to mess with the butterfly effect, and pulled their phone from their inventory.
Dandy rambled at length about everything it was capable of - playing videos and music, making calls (though obviously it had no service), games, access to the internet (again no service), and most importantly, a means of communication through chat clients and text messages.

That's when CD saw the old chat logs between herself and her long dead friends. Idiot, idiot, bad idea, how could you, C-Side screamed internally at herself.
Dandy could hold onto their liquor or their emotional state, not both. She sat on the floor and began to swipe through the photos, picture after picture of her and her dearest companions through the void. There were even photos she found of Earth.
Vinyl and Octavia looked over CD's shoulder. "You mind if we look?"
"No," C-Side admitted, "Go ahead, we're just doing some impromptu grieving."
Vinyl slowly pushed her sunglasses down to get a good look at the pictures of aliens before her.

There were two types she saw. One was definitely CD - she could tell by the hairstyle. But otherwise, she was completely different. A taller, paler, bipedal creature with weird hooves and grins bearing slight canines.
The other was even weirder - bipedal as well, but they looked more like a changeling! They had candy colored horns, gray skin, and even sharper teeth and eyes.
Curiously, they all seemed to be friends.

As CD swiped away, Vinyl saw pictures of landscapes from this alleged planet of Earth, all of which looked eerily like Equestria - but the architecture was different. There were large carriages with no means to pull them, there were images of massive stone roads full of those carriages, images of CD in various locales.. and a concert! A massive crowd cheering and dancing to music from another world! Her eyes dilated and her jaw dropped slightly..
Then she heard CD give a weak sob.

Octavia felt awkward, and gently tugged Vinyl, indicating she wanted to move away from the mare.
Vinyl gestured to her wrist to ask for a little more time. Octavia sighed, but let her. Vinyl tapped CD's shoulder gently.
"Mm?" CD grunted.
Vinyl magically conjured the image of a calendar, indicating an empty spot later on in the week. She tapped it with an arcane pen, before using that pen to draw a vinyl record spinning with two ponies listening through headphones connected to the record. She pointed a hoof at herself, then CD, and smiled.

It took a while for CD to process what was going on. But when she did, she smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"Sure, sure. We'd love to.. Sorry for crying. It's been a rough year. We'll see you later, I guess!"
Vinyl grinned, excited to hear music from another world, and trotted away.

Later, after recovering thanks to Pinkie's infectious smile, CD found herself enjoying conversation with a mare named Ditzy Doo, who seemed appreciative of the fact that Dandy didn't call her by the nickname "Derpy", as per C-Side's advice. They shared a mutual frustration in the post office, of all things. Even in other universes and Paradox Space, mail was mail. And mail was a very hard job to do for some folk.

"We only lasted -hic- three months back where we came from, during the holidays."
"You started during the holidays?" Ditzy giggled, a little tipsy herself. "No wonder you struggled!"
"Hoo! Yeah, we did! Every Sunday was only packages, and we were out there from ten am till seven pm! That job actually, actually, hehe, made us really really. Unhappy. You're. You're a cool cucumber for managing to stick to a job like that for so long!"
"I bet - did you at least get your breaks?"
"Not in the slightest, sister - hehe - we were supposed to have some union rep to make sure we were treated nicely and keep our butt safe from getting fired, but we never met em.. and we were just.. so bad. At. At the job... no surprise we got fired at all."
"Oh.. well, I do just fine in Ponyville! If you're looking for a job, I might be able to find you something!"
"Oh, well- man, we'd appreciate that, but we got fired, we can't go back. That was some kinda law, saying if you got fired from the post office you couldn't apply again."
Ditzy tilted her head in confusion. "Aren't you from another world? That's what I've heard from everypony else."
CD blinked, and looked at her cup of Spiked Punch. "Eesh, hehe, I think. Think we gotta lay off the sauce tonight. Think we've had enough." Dandy muttered.

They kept drinking.
As the mind grew muddier, C-Side found it harder to plan. Eventually, all that was left of whatever convoluted scheme was Appleloosa, Appleloosa, Appleloosa-

"NEXT STOP! APPLELOOSA!"
C-Side jolted awake and immediately regretted it. The hangover was something fierce, and she shut her eyes tight from the pain of daylight.
She held a hoof to her forehead and wrenched one eye open, checking to see what the hell was going on.
Yup. That was Appleloosa alright. Cactuses, sand, vaguely Western vibes. It was just like how the show depicted it. She surveyed the carriage she was in and found that she had somehow managed to board a midnight train.
She checked her inventory.
Weapon, Check.
Precious knick-knacks. Check.
Smart phone. Check.
Pocket Alchemiter. Check.
Computer. Check.
God tier outfit. Check.

Nothing of value was lost, so she didn't trade in anything to get a ticket. How did she get here?
And where the hell was she going to find aspirin?

Bon Bon groaned and stumbled down the stairs. She had let herself go too hard in the paint and found herself waking up in agony. She sauntered into the kitchen and kicked on the stove, waiting for the kettle to boil so she could quickly whip up some coffee. She sat back on a chair and relaxed. The melody of morning danced through the kitchen window, providing a soft alleviation from the din of last night’s party and the current throbbing of her headache. The kettle began to boil, and she took it off the burner, pouring the hot water into a coffee press, where she threw in some coffee grounds and her favorite secret ingredient, a spoonful of hot chocolate powder. She stirred it, and let it sit for a while.

In the meantime, she stared out the window and considered the past few days, mainly about CD and the mysteries that surrounded her. She wasn’t sure what would make for a worse situation - whether CD was lying or not.

On the one hoof, if she was lying, that would mean that she was a lot less there in the head than she let on, and this pony had already displayed strange abilities that could prove dangerous if not kept in check. She already knew too much when it came to classified information somehow, and she definitely wouldn’t let her memories be erased without a fight.

On the other, if she was saying nothing but truth, that would mean a lot more. The arrival of another entity as powerful as Discord or Tirek would throw the world into a spin, and Bon Bon and Lyra would be right there in the middle of it.

She glanced at the clock and saw that the coffee had steeped long enough. She pushed down on the press and poured herself a cup, leaving enough room for a bit of cream and a lot of sugar. She returned to the window and had a sip, which gave her a warmth that spread throughout her body, soothing her.

After a minute, she recollected her thoughts, occasionally sipping at her drink. She considered what a human exactly was.
She remembered hearing about a classified mirror that led to another world full of these mysterious creatures, kept in the possession of Princess Celestia herself. But the information was on a need-to-know basis, and Bon Bon did not have the clearance to know. But it only made her question what exactly Celestia would need a mirror like that for, and why Celestia would know what a human was when no such thing existed in this world before.

She shook her head, and decided that was beyond her pay grade. Bon Bon figured that whatever came, as long as it wasn’t super ridiculous, she could handle it. CD would fix the moon, and that would be the end of it. Simple as that. Nothing about Skaia, or humans, things would just go back to the average day-to-day life. As average as things got in Ponyville, anyways.

Her stomach growled, demanding something other than just coffee to digest. She moved from the window and had a quick glance through her fridge’s contents, only to close it and look at the guest bedroom door. If CD truly was an alien, she’d know a few new recipes, wouldn’t she? She trotted up and knocked on the door gently, trying not to spill her coffee.

"Hey. CD. I'm making breakfast. Want anything?"
No response. Bon Bon didn't like that. She opened the door, and saw the room's walls covered in taped on paper, writings scrawled all over. Drunken ramblings about the moon and it's relation with CD's Skaian powers, and something regarding 'Four Darks Hearts', one of which was found in Appleloosa to the south. Everywhere, in every corner they could get away with it, was a rather ominous conversation between C-Side and Dandy that kept repeating all over the papers.
“i don’t wanna lose this world”
“I don’t want to lose you.”

"Dammit." Bon Bon growled. She turned around and saw one last note on the opposite side of the door.

"@ Bon bon, Lyra,
going 2 Appleloosa
Skaia is here. danger! evil statues across the land
you wouldn't have believed us. have to fix it ourselves. pleas don't tell twilight. or celestia
borrowed some money from rarity to pay 4 train. will repay somehow later. sorry.
-CD"

Bon Bon slowly took the final sip of her coffee, then flopped to the floor and let out a small scream into the floorboards.

“Why- yes, now that you mention it! I did see a grotesque statue flying southward from Twilight’s castle! How did you know?” Rarity said in light shock.
The two special agents had suited up and were asking around, and managed to find a trail that led to Rarity so far. Everything seemed to check out.
"Classified information, Miss Rarity. Technically, you shouldn't know, but there's a lot that you shouldn't know. Just be mindful about what subjects regarding CD you talk about, for your safety. We still don't fully know what she's planning."

"I.. may have an inkling of an idea."

The door to the Carousel Boutique opened, and Rarity hummed her way inside. It was a few minutes since the party had ended.
"Thanks for letting us borrow some paper we- I- we promise to pay you back, I know it's already so late for y'all but we've gotta lotta irons in the fire and I really appreciate it. promise we'll make it up to ya." C-Side blabbered, stumbling into the boutique’s studio behind Rarity. She watched as Rarity dug out a moderate stack of paper from a desk and gave it to her.

"Nonsense, darling! I don't quite know what you'll need paper for, but I'm not going to let a late night need go famished! Besides, what with my studio being my home, I can simply go to bed when you go home- Ah.. will you be able to go home in your stupor? ...Do you have a..?" She gasped with dramatic scandal. "Do you not have a home? Are you using the paper to keep warm on the cold stone streets of Ponyville?! Oh, gracious, darling, no! I simply can't have that!"

"Oh, no no no no no, no no no," CD mumbled over and over, "Bonbon and, Lyra are letting us crash at their place for now until we fix, the moon."
"Oh thank Celestia, that's a relief. Well, should you ever find yourself in such a terrible situation, just know that my boutique is able to house you until you are situated once more - with a delightfully proper home!"

“Yeah.. yeah, a home would be nice.” CD sat as she held the papers to her chest.
“Are you alright, darling?” Rarity asked, approaching CD with tact. She looked Rarity in the eye, little tears welling up.
“I just.. we .. we just want to live a normal life again. I don’t want anything to do with Skaia, or godhood, or making a new universe anymore.”
Rarity strained to find an answer.
“It’s all just.. gone. I can’t go back home, in both the literal and metaphorical sense. That universe- it doesn’t exist anymore. Home stopped being real for us - I was hoping - here might be a good start, but I messed it up - I ruined it - I should stop. I should go. You’ve got more important things to do.” C-Side’s breath was starting to quicken.
“Nonsense, dear! Come with me, I'll make you some tea to help clear your head."
Dandy perked awake at that. "Tea.. Oh that sounds lovely, thank you..!"

"Afterwards, we chatted for about an hour, and I informed her of the train that departs for Appleloosa very early in the morning."
“Why did she need paper from you?”
“Well, after she left, she said something about ‘needing to collect her thoughts'. That's all I know, Miss Heartstrings."

Dandy drifted through the astral plane. She was used to it. Some days, she just didn't feel like waking up at the same time as C-Side. She beat her wings against the starry landscape and soared, letting the essence of the night brush her scales. She kept almost hitting doors that were just floating around aimlessly, like they were supposed to be in order but weren't, though all of them seemed to be locked. She eventually stumbled across one that was open, and wandered in.

Twilight was literally suffocating under paperwork. Scrolls and forms covered every angle of Twilight's vision, and she couldn't escape at all.
"Twilight! Save us!" shouted voices of her friends and beloved fellow princesses through the paper tsunami.
"I can't! I'm so sorry! I can't!" she waited in despair.

Dandy observed the scene through the surfboard she was sitting on, bobbing up and down on the waves. She took another sip of her dreamt up drink, and tossed it into the ocean. She paddled up to where Twilight was struggling to keep her head above the waves, and held out her claw. She grabbed a hold of the princess, and pulled her up onto the surfboard, gently cradling Twilight against her chest, holding her with a grace that implied she had done this hold many times before.

"There ya go, easy now, Princess. Let's get you ashore."
"But- but my friends! Celestia! Luna! Cadence! They're-"
"Twilight, you silly girl, you're in a dream!" It took Twilight a few minutes to recognize who was speaking to her. While she processed what was going on, Dandy continued to row the surfboard with her free claw, towards an island in the sea of paper. Once they reached the shore and climbed off, Dandy stuffed the surfboard in the sand and turned around with a flourish to face the princess, sassily placing her hands on her generous hips and wagging her rather large tail.

"With all due respect Princess, I think your nightmares could be a touch less on the nose. Not even C-Side has dreams this obvious!"
"...Dandy Curacao...?"
"The one and only!"
"Why are you a dragon?"
"Because I am a dragon."
"But.. in the physical world, your body is a pony!"
"Yes, and?"

Twilight sat on that for a moment. She got a good look at Dandy's figure. Instead of Spike's teardrop shape, Dandy was taller, right in between the height of Luna and Celestia, with a figure curved inward like an hourglass. She had purple scales, with a wide cyan highlight that ran down along her neck, chest, belly, and the underside of her tail. She had a set of S-Shaped horns moving up and away from the top of her head, and her eyes were the same red that CD had on her right eye in the real world.
Most confusingly, she was wearing a vermillion tropical shirt with floral patterns.

"You... you're not a pony?" She walked alongside Dandy on the shore as the waves of paper kissed the sand, before receding into the tide.
"I'm as wyrmy as it gets. Ever since I gained consciousness, I've always envisioned myself as such."
"...Huh. Where's C-Side?"
"Oh, she's awake right now.. somewhere in Appleloosa, I think. Can't really check up on her unless I wake up."
"What are you doing in Appleloosa?"
"Don't worry about it, honey. I mean that literally - Judging by the nightmare you just endured, I think it's safe to say you've got a lot going on already. You wanna talk about it?"
Twilight sighed softly. "Yeah. I think I'd appreciate that right now." Dandy turned and led Twilight into a somewhat small beach hut.
The interior, however, was bigger, warmer, cozier, and much more impressive. The floor faded from sand to warm wooden floors, stained a soft gray color. The walls were blue, surrounded by all sorts of comforting furniture for any creature to relax in. There was a bar on the far side of the room, stocked with a few shelves worth of alcohol.

“Welcome to the headspace! This is where I take ourselves whenever we need to shut out the world for a time and breathe. Make yourself at home, Princess!”
Twilight didn’t need further encouragement. She flopped onto a massive beanbag and found herself sinking in deeply, much to her delight. She then sat upright and came to a realization.
"...Oh! Of course, you're using Luna's magic to traverse the land of dreams!"
"Surprised you didn't figure that out earlier." Dandy poured herself a drink - pre-mixed margaritas for lazy dreams. She sat on a couch not far from where Twilight was laying down.
"Wait! Doesn't that mean that nightmares have been running around without Luna's supervision?"
"Mm, yeah, probably."
"What're you doing here?! You need to go and help everypony else!"
"Well, it’s probably daylight out now, and it's only been two and a half seconds since I got here in real-world time. We'll be okay to chat." She smiled, and then considered Twilight’s concerned face. She set aside her drink, and leaned forwards, looking Twilight straight in the eye. “I’ll make sure that C-Side and I look after the dream realm at night. Promise. Now what’s on your mind?” With that, she leaned back onto the couch and crossed her legs, resting one arm on the back of the couch, the other on her leg.

Twilight’s frown didn’t fully disappear. “Well.. it’s just.. right now, everypony in Equestria is coming to me for everything! It’s like they don’t realize there are other ponies they can talk to about civil matters in their local area! I don’t live in Manehattan, but for some reason, at least 10 ponies have come to me about little squabbles like property lines and city ordinances in one day!! I’m great at planning, sure, but it’s getting ridiculous!” Her wings flared up in annoyance. “I’m just.. really tired. And I ran out of the coffee you gave me. That stuff was probably the only reason I was still awake by the end of the day.”

“Hm.. they’re very petty matters, right?” Dandy thoughtfully tapped her fingers on her scales.
“Yes! I don’t understand why! It’s all stuff that I feel like would be better settled by local authorities! ‘Boohoo, my neighbor’s a meanie and won’t let me build a workshop on her property even though she doesn’t use it!’ It’s driving me CRAZY!” She slumped into the beanbag in defeat, tears welling up. “And the worst part is, I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to see my friends... Even going a few days without them is making me feel so... empty.”

“This is a bit of a jump for a conclusion, so take it with a grain of salt, but.. is it possible they’re coming to you right now because they think they can get away with such ridiculousness?”
“Huh?”
“You’re relatively new for a Princess, no?”
“Yeah.”
“So what could be happening is that people are trying to exploit both your ‘inexperience’, and your station at the same time. They could take advantage of your ruling and say, ‘the Princess royally decreed that I can be as big of an asshole as I like!’”
Twilight was lost in contemplation for a moment, sinking further into the beanbag.
“I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

“I have a question.” Twilight said.
“Shoot.”
“How are you doing this? You’re doing what Luna does to an eerily similar extent - to the point where you can control dreams without even trying. It feels like you’re mastering Luna’s magic at an amazing pace.”
“Well, that’s just a happy accident. I’m a habitual lucid dreamer; did it all the time to bring C-Side back from her own frequent nightmares back in our own world.”
“What would she have nightmares about..?”

Before the conversation could continue, a shrill klaxon rang through the dream. Twilight jolted upright, and gasped.
“My alarm! I’m gonna be late for my meeting with Cadance! I forgot! Dandy, could you-?”

Snap.
Dandy, now alone in the astral realm, recovered her drink and leaned back into the sofa. She took a drink, and was lost in thought for a while.
“I wonder if Luna could use an apprentice.”

5: Heart of Iron

C-Side didn’t even walk that far into town when a dragonfire letter popped into existence in front of her. She grabbed it, and read the rather curt message.

Stay where you are. We’re coming to help.
-Bon Bon & Lyra.

Dandy made sure C-Side stayed. When they arrived, Bon Bon demanded an explanation for why C-Side tried to ditch the agents.
“I- look, Bon Bon- I.. I don’t know how to explain it but. I’m gonna be doing something really dangerous. I don’t know what I’m going up against, because chances are what I’m fighting was made more powerful by Equestrian magic. I.. I’m not saying you aren’t trained for this. I’m not saying monster hunting isn’t your primary source of income. What I am saying is.. I don’t want either of you to risk losing each other to this. I’d rather it be me and Dandy.”

“Okay, well, that’s stupid. If you die, then Skaia takes the universe, as I understand it.” Bon Bon countered.
“It was kinda vague, to be fair,” Dandy admitted, “The phrasing was, ‘if you don’t do it, you won’t regret it because there will be nothing left of you to regret with’.”
“...Sooooo, yes, Skaia would end the universe.” Lyra confirmed.
“Or just us, and leave the universe alone. It’s a tossup, but if we assume it just takes us.. I don’t want you to mourn your girlfr- uh. I- No, no I’m shutting up now.”
“Well, too bad. It’s our job to look after you anyways.” Lyra stuck out a tongue. “You’re paying us with your weird shenanigans!”
“More importantly, if monsters have come to Equestria, it’s important that they’re dealt with and secured in Tartarus before they hurt anypony. So I’m still coming with you. Lead onward to the evil statue.”

C-Side admittedly didn’t know where the statue was. She asked the locals if they saw anything, got a glimmer of a clue, and took that direction.
They'd been walking through the desert for hours now. Luckily, Bon Bon had thought well ahead and brought clothing that would suit a desert. Additionally CD was able to replicate bottles of water with the machine she carried around - though Lyra remarked that it tasted like almost nothing. CD just nodded in confirmation.
They found themselves walking through a valley that once held a mighty river. They were flanked on both sides by tall walls of rock, with no easy way out. The sun was directly in front of them, which forced Lyra to adjust her hat a bit.

"Did it have to be sombreros?" Lyra asked, adjusting hers every now and again. “They’re so unwieldy.”
"Well, yeah. Keeps the sun out of your face, gives you a fair amount of shade, keeps you cool. What's not to like?" Bon Bon affirmed her belief. Dandy smiled at the sight of the two secret agents in massive Mexican hats. She had to really hold back to avoid giggling.
"And what's your excuse? You're just wearing the weird god outfit with the hood pulled up." Lyra asked CD.
"These godtier garbs are cozy as hell and designed to be comfortable in any climate. Rarity would kill for Skaian fabric." C-Side slightly bragged, happily mimicking a runway strut while kicking up the sand with style.
Lyra shook her head. "Okay, Rarity wouldn't kill for that. Do something that went against her element? Absolutely."
"Murder is pretty antithetical to her element." C-Side said.
"...Or she'd just ask for a sample of fabric from your garb, to see if she couldn't replicate it with magic woven into normal fabric." Bon Bon replied.
"I don't think that's possi.... hmm." CD paused for a moment. "Could Skaian properties be substituted for Equestrian magic...?" She went silent for a bit. After a while, she only furthered her curiosity by muttering, "And vice versa...?"

She suddenly slipped on something on the ground and faceplanted into the scalding earth. She yelped in pain, and inspected her snout, which was definitely bleeding from the nose. “Aauuggh, fuuuuuck.” C-Side hissed, and brushed off the sand and blood from her mouth.
“Are you ok? What happened?” Lyra asked CD.
“We tripped on...” CD looked and shuffled around to see what exactly she was talking about. A little object clinked against the stone, they all saw it, and Lyra picked it up with her magic to get a better look.
“It’s some kind of metal.. shell..?”

CD’s eyes shrank to pinpricks. “Yeah that- that’s a bullet casing.” she said flatly, before immediately getting as low to the ground as she could and surveying the landscape.
“What are you doing?”
“Just do as I do until we get into cover!” C-Side ordered. Lyra followed suit, no questions asked. “Keep an eye out for any flashes in the distance. Like you know how if you see someone pointing a telescope at you, the sun makes it flash in the distance? Like that. A low profile makes you harder to hit.”
“I don’t see what all the fuss is abou-”

A crack went off in the distance, followed by a ZZZZ-FFFT. A bullet pierced the ground between Bon Bon and Lyra, sending chunks into the air. “FUCK IT! MOVE!” C-Side screamed.
Bon Bon dashed out perpendicular to where the bullet came from. CD opted to fly into the air, yanking out her bow and aiming back towards the gunfire, before looking back and seeing what Bon Bon was doing.
“NO! NOT THAT WAY! GOING WIDE MAKES YOU AN EASIER TARGET!” C-Side screamed. Bon Bon skidded to a halt, and felt another bullet whizz by her mane. She whipped her head to where Lyra would’ve been, only to see nothing there. She turned back around and realized - Lyra hadn’t moved yet. She was frozen in place, shaking. CD was firing volleys of arrows back at their assailant, not taking the time to aim properly at all, but it seemed to be a big enough threat to make her a priority target. Whoever was firing their gun took aim specifically at CD, who used her aerial ability to dodge and shoot at the same time. Bon Bon dashed back to Lyra, and yanked her into motion. “Lyra, come on!!” She shouted. Lyra came back to her senses, and moved alongside Bon Bon as they made a break for a large rock along the cliff face.

“ZIG-ZAG! MOVE UNPREDICTABLY!” C-Side advised, somehow aware of the fact that they’d be moving in a straight line. the mares took the advice to heart, scrambling back and forth, side to side, before they pressed up against the massive rock which was twice their size, both of them shaking and panting. They knew they weren’t out of the woods yet, and needed to come up with a plan quickly. Lyra tested the weight of the rock in front of them, and then decided to try something.

“Bonnie! Push the rock with me!” Lyra engulfed the rock in magic, and pushed against it with all of her strength. Bon Bon didn’t even ask questions, she followed alongside Lyra as they rolled the rock forwards together, towards the gunfire. Adrenaline pumped through the both of them as they strained to stay focused, and more importantly, alive.

CD ducked into the rock alongside them, and began pushing as well, occasionally stopping to fire off another volley of arrows at their attackers. The bullets embedded themselves into the rock, never truly damaging their cover, but making its danger well known.

“Okay - so - they have a gun - that’s human technology. It’s basically a really complicated tube that takes a metal package full of a really explosive material, sets it off, and uses the explosion and resulting pressure to send that metal out really fast and it’s very dangerous as my reaction has very obviously tipped you off,” C-Side was stammering and shivering a bunch against the rock, having to steady herself to fire off more arrows.

“EXPLAIN IT LATER!” Bon Bon shrieked.

“OKAY OKAY I’M SORRY” C-Side shouted in response.
As they grew closer, they began to grow fatigued. CD advised that the agents stop for a momentary breather, since the shooter couldn’t hit them behind the rock, and CD had way more stamina.
“Just stay here until I clear the path. I think we’re close enough that I can reach them with flight and take them out.” The moment she left, she had another bout of shivers that gave Pinkie’s pinkie sense a run for its money. She ducked back behind the rock, and gave them one last warning.

“They might try and flush you out with a grenade. A bomb. If they throw anything that looks like a... a really smooth pineapple - or a stick with a metal end on it - either send it flying away from you with your magic or move. You don’t wanna be in the blast radius.”
CD flew up and out over the end of the valley, ready to fire off at anything there.

“I don’t like the fact that she knows this much about human weaponry.” Bon Bon admitted, taking a beat to regain her breath.
“You have to admit it’s helpful in a situation like this..”

Another few gunshots went off, before the sounds of a physical fight broke out. Bon Bon and Lyra nodded at each other, and moved from the rock. As they galloped hard against the sand, Bon Bon swung around her trusty grappling hook, and threw it to the cliff. It snagged, and provided enough tensile strength to allow the mares to climb up. As they crested over the edge, they saw CD on the ground, panting and beaten up. A track of strange hoofprints showed the assailant running back into a large cave in front of them.

After healing her wounds somewhat, CD stood at the entrance of the cave. She turned to face the other two.
“Look, I- I still feel like whatever’s in there is beyond you. I’m not- I’m not insulting your skill, I’m just saying that there’s a creature with a gun in there. There could be more. I’m just.. If you wanna back out, say it now, please.”
Nothing. C-Side grimaced, but nodded.

Inside, the trio found a massive statue of some kind of organ. It seemed to pulse as if it was made of real meat, but its entire form was composed of thick, metal chains, tangled together like muscle fiber. It looked like parts of it had been ripped out, replaced with pockets of burbling blood and fire. It was hooked up to a mound of indeterminate material underneath, shrouded by the shadow the Heart was casting, despite the obvious lack of a proper light. It tilted towards CD, like it seemed to recognize her arrival, and it gurgled metallicly. Shadowy figures emerged from the mass below it, with white beady eyes darting around. They walked on two legs, and the second they saw CD, they raised their weapons at her.

CD pulled out a bottle of alcohol and the lighter from before, stood on two legs, blew a pillar of fire at the enemy, blinding them momentarily. Two of them charged at CD, the other two raised their weapons. Bon Bon whipped her grappling hook at one of the creature’s heads, knocking it down on the ground. Another attempted to fire at Bon Bon, only for its gun to get knocked out from Lyra magically blasting it. That one charged toward Lyra, only for Bon Bon to jump up and drop kick it. CD continued to fight, breathing fire with Dandy’s strife style. She brandished more bottles of whiskey, throwing them straight at the third entity, and then gaining some distance by threatening the alcohol with more fire. The creature kept their distance, only to be kicked in the back by Bon Bon. Seeing the last one get surrounded by Lyra and Bon Bon, CD flew up toward the Heart of Iron, opting to shoot arrows at the heated pustules it bore. The first few popped satisfyingly, bleeding out onto the ground, but then a heavy THUMP made the world around them shake. Bon Bon and Lyra felt themselves grow woozy, and fall to the floor. CD hit the ground, and stood back up, only for the thump to happen again. Lyra felt a searing pain in her horn, Bon Bon in her hooves, and CD in her whole body. Colorful wisps of magic were pulled away from them, taking away their advantage.

Bon Bon and Lyra gasped as they felt their magic get sapped away, and saw CD collapse to the floor, Luna's alicorn magic being taken by the heart. CD began to writhe, screaming profanities in agony. Bon Bon strained to get a good look, only to see that CD’s body was horridly mutating - scales, fur, and skin mixed around each other, her body contorting claws along her hooves turning into human fingertips at the end, her tail’s fur twisting around a thick scaly base, only for bone to be exposed at the end. CD tried her damnedest to stand up, only for her legs to shift in various directions, making her fall again. In a last bid of desperation, she flopped towards Bon Bon and Lyra, and gasped the words, “Go! Get out of here! You’re more important than we are!” As she spoke, her vocal cords retched and recoiled into different tones. Her eyes flashing into different shapes, different irises, different colors, tearing up. The bipedal figures surrounded her, pointing their rifles right at her rapidly, chaotically mutating body, ready to fire.

But they couldn’t escape without their magic. Lyra simply scooted close to Bon Bon, and held her as tightly as her weakened body could.
"I think we're done for. This is how we die."
"Lyra.. there's.. something I wanted to tell you. For a while now, I've always thought of you as more than a best friend. I've.."
"Bon Bon - we've been sharing a bed for weeks since Doodle and Matilda’s wedding."
"I know!! Just let me say it before we die!! I love you, dammit!!"

CD didn’t even see the kiss. She was too focused on the pain of her body’s mutation.
A massive burst of chromatic affection shot out from Lyra’s horn, tearing and ricocheting through the cavern. The iron heart began to rust from the sudden magical burst, and the soldiers that emerged from the mass held their fire for a minute, looking around confused, as if they didn't know where they were. They saw each other, and lowered their weapons. The tendrils connected to each soldier's spine snapped as the rusted iron flaked away, leaving nothing but men standing in this cave.

The heart fell the floor, still grasping onto Luna's magic, only for the heart to be gripped tight by CD, and then captchalogued. The alicorn magic shot back into CD, to which her body violently spasmed back into an acceptable form. Only then did she pass out from the strain.

Lyra and Bon Bon's magic returned, the vitality along with it. Lyra jumped up to check on CD, only to be pushed back down by Bon Bon as a creature over twice her height stood next to CD. These creatures - the agents could only assume they were human - tried to figure out what was going on. They were wearing differing outfits, and their accents were varied.
“Where the hell are we?” One soldier, a mare, from the sound of it, asked in confusion.
“I- I don’t know. I was in jungle last I remember, not a desert cave..”

“Okay, well, you got names?”
"Private Luke Jonesy, ma'am." One accent, Bon Bon equivocated to that of a Canterlot accent. Posh, and fancy.
"Sargeant Fred Jones-Grover." Another, much more like the southwestern accents like that of Applejack and her kin.
"uh.. Just Matt Grover. And you?" The third, she couldn’t quite place.
"Eris... Megido." For some reason, she just sounded like a griffon. Throaty, thick, and gravely.
“You got a rank, lady?” Fred asked.
“Just another soldier in another war. I’m just confused by your uniforms. I know there’s a lot of enthusiasts in America, but jeez, World War One? Have you been outside lately, Luke?”
“What do you mean, ‘World War One’? ‘S only the great war goin’ on right now, love.”
“The Great War happened thirty years ago.” Fred countered.
“N- no what? I’m not tripping. I swear. I’m here because I got drafted into ‘Nam.” Matt muttered aloud.
“...I’m from the year 2027. The second American civil war started last year.”

They looked at each other, weirded out in their own special ways.
“Fuck it. Let’s just get out of here and figure out where the hell we are.” Eris turned to the entrance and started walking.
“Hey, w-wait! Uh, miss Eris?” Matt stammered.
“What?”
“Should we.. can we eat that?” Matt pointed at CD’s unconscious body.

“...No.”
“Why not?”
Eris gulped. “It’s wearing... clothes. See that garb? It looks kind of religious, what with the symbol and ornate decoration. It might be sentient. Hell, it might even be a sign of civilization nearby.”
“Yeah, but like. It’s just a lizard, and I don’t think. I don’t think we’re gonna be finding any more food soon.”
“Your fault for not packing more rations, sonny.” Fred shrugged. “Get your rear in gear. If this thing has any authority, it’ll be taking us in.”
“Could hold it prisoner.” Luke suggested. “Maybe force its people to give us supplies in exchange for its life.”
The others looked at each other, and nodded a murmured agreement.

“Alright, who’s the least wounded here?” Fred growled.
“I uh, I guess me.” Matt groaned.
“Right. Well since I’m Sergeant here, I outrank everyone. I’m taking charge. You, pick up that lizard, and take it with us. Worse comes to worse, we’ll eat it before we eat each other. We’re gonna need to find water and food. Eris, you hunt down any prey. Rabbits, snakes, rodents - hell, there might be horses out here. Shoot it, skin it, prep it for jerky. Luke, keep an eye out for any potential ambushes. Let's move out.”

Lyra was shaking. Everything Celestia said was turning out to be true!
And then the impromptu platoon left with an unconscious CD slung over one of the human’s shoulders, out toward Equestria.

0: As Soon the Dust Settles, You Can See

A young adult woman stands in the woods.
It just so happens that today, the [@(*] of [#%&@], [!~#`] is the day that she finally escapes a Skaian session alongside her headmate.
Though the both of them already had names, it seems that the Skaia took them in exchange for their lives. So she and her brain buddy will need new ones. What will the new names of these two women be?

Enter names.

[C-SIDE DISCO]
[DANDY CURACAO]

Yeah. That'll probably do.

Examine surroundings.

Your name now is C-SIDE DISCO. Your headmate's name is DANDY CURACAO. Somewhat appropriate names for this universe, you're sure. If it wasn't obvious by now, you are PLURAL, otherwise known as having a case of MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER. That is THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES RIGHT NOW. Dandy doesn't even really think it's a concern in the first place.

You were one of the UNFORTUNATE FEW to have been CHOSEN TO PARTICIPATE IN A SKAIAN SESSION. You, along with about 5 others, took on an attempt to make a new universe AND FAILED. Everyone else is DEAD. In a last ditch effort to ESCAPE OBLIVION, you took a dying friend's advice and alchemized a teleporter powerful enough to jump from PARADOX SPACE into A REALITY.

It took WEEKS OF NONSTOP FIGHTING for it to charge, and it has taken its toll on your mind, body, and souls. You are not only exhausted, but you are bleeding profusely, chunks of your flesh are missing, and you are starving and dehydrated to a lethal amount.
You chose THIS REALITY: EQUESTRIA. With what willpower you have left, you examine your whereabouts, and determine two things:

ONE: You are in the EVERFREE FOREST. Not exactly a safe place to be. Much less so for someone who’s walking alongside death, only being kept separated by the boons of the horrid eldritch entity you have escaped from.
TWO: Something is WRONG. Very wrong. You feel it in your gut- your bones- YOUR BLOOD.
Brittle grass overgrown. And above you, in the night sky, above you, YOU SEE.

The moon has been damaged by your actions. An etching of your aspect's symbol has engraved itself on the surface, and you feel something entering your person.

A TRUTH like NO OTHER. Your heart races, your body shivers. Dandy tries to calm your collective body down, but she feels it too. Like a background radiation, you are exposed to something in this world you haven't felt before. Your hands tremble and muscles ache. Panic sets in, and you only have enough energy to weakly gasp one profanity into the night, right at the moon, before your body collapses onto the dirt.

"Oh, shit..."