Here it was, the concluding decision that summarised what felt like an eternity of arduous labour and attention. Plunged into an entire new spectrum of thought, Karl held the two elements in his hand, carefully considering the ramifications of his future with one of them.
Hobnobs or chocolate digestives?
Karl silently cursed not bringing enough change to purchase both. Even with the price drop, he came up a few silvers short. The owner of the small convenience store tapped a pen impatiently on his desk, glancing back and forth between Karl and the clock.
The choice was going to determine the fate of him and Suzanne's night, he knew. Whereas hobnobs aren't nearly as qualified for tea-dunking, it was much easier to get through a whole lot of stand-alone ones. Smoothing over his head in a mix of irritation and thought, he chose the digestives. The vague feeling of error formed in him as he left, but he wasn't keen on holding the store open any longer.
Into the dreary dark night of London, the bitter air sparked a minor rush of adrenaline. Enough to hasten him home and avoid the potential downpour, but not quite to lose the contents of his thin, white plastic bag. The inferior, cheap plastic was being weighed down by biscuits, teabags and milk, the sense of it ripping was forever a subtle threat.
A car abruptly sped past and nearly splashed a puddle of the previous fading rain over him, but narrowly avoided it, leaving Karl propped up against a wall in preparation. Upon deciding there was no longer a threat, he continued. He spotted an alleyway that he had continually ignored throughout his life up until now, one that he was sure cut through the entire block.
It wasn't as if his area was renowned for yobs, so he took it. The darkness wasn't enough to render him blind, as above the low section of buildings he could see a street-lamp as a checkpoint closer to home. The alley was littered with rubbish and some marks of undecipherable graffiti, but kept a straightforward path.
His fears were realised as the bag crumbled under pressure.
"Oh, bollocks," He sighed as he evaluated the situation.
The milk hit the floor hard, but didn't break, nor spill. He lifted the green-topped container and went to collect his teabags that had merely fell to their side. The sugar had a slight tear in the top, but nothing critical that was leaking the contents. Sturdy product, awful transport.
Typical Tesco bags, he thought. Then again, they had survived him long enough to be used on frequent visits for essentials, now they would have to be replaced by another from the plastic bag cupboard. The hard part would be bringing the stuff back now, his simple black jacket only equipped with two pockets, and neither of them capable of carrying the milk.
Terror struck him just like the wind that must have rolled away his cylindrical-shaped packet of digestives. He wasn't about to abandon them, the vital part of his evening would consist of them, so he scanned the debris around him.
Kicking a box to the side revealed nothing, and the same went to the next two. Only after investigating the torn page of newspaper, that just so happened to be page three, did something announce its presence to him. Not the biscuits themselves, but the one feasible opportunity he had for finding them: a hole.
He couldn't see the bottom of it, the diversion of light only highlighting its size: a bit more than arms width and length. He would dive his hand in, grab them, and remove it before any spiders got the wrong idea.
Stooping down, his knees were touched by a small coat of grime and he reached an arm in. It was a lot deeper than he expected, his head turning to the side as he tunnelled further and went lower.
He felt them, but then nothing. A force yanked down his arm before he could realise what was happening, his senses overwhelmed by the sudden disruption. Then there was a barren emptiness of all but his mind momentarily, and his final glimmer of thought was that he was going to sue McVities.
He awoke to the sounds of screeching birds and the excavation of light through to his closed eyes. Tiredly grabbing his head as he lay down on the cushy, warm bedding, he could only let out a succession of ape-like grunts to charge himself up for the day ahead.
"I told you he was a monkey!" A chipper, sprightly and feminine voice said.
"Pinkie, he's not a monkey," Another feminine voice, but this one was more composed. "He's more like some kind of hairless gorilla."
They weren't recognisable voices, and there was a pressure in his head that seemed to deter opening his eyes to view them. He held his eyes soothingly as the pain slowly alleviated, the warm climate shocking to the usual London drizzle and brisk air. He figured this probably wasn't his house, as he didn't remember his bed being so grass-like, and surprisingly more comfortable. The most likely possibility was that Ricky called some repo men, took his bed, drugged him and threw him outside. It said a lot about their friendship.
A shadow obstructed the glaring sun over him, cooling his head and making it slightly more bearable to get a glimpse at where he was.
Above him were five staring faces, but not human ones. They had muzzles, which would have made one think they were some kind of animal, but also horns and human-like facial expressions with a variety of fur and hair colours. They stared at him anxiously, and he obliviously had his mouth agape as he tried to comprehend what they were in a trance-like state.
Fortunately, one of them spoke first. A purple one with matching hair and a horn.
"Hello?"
It took Karl a while to realise that was English, they were greeting him, and he wasn't being mugged. After that it was only a matter of finding a common response that would show he meant no harm to these alien creatures.
"Alright?" He said simply, the staple of his vocabulary being put to use.
"You speak Equestrian!" The pink one said loudly.
"You speak English," Was all he could respond with, pointing out the obvious.
"Do I? Oh boy, oh boy, I didn't know any other languages until now!" She said, bouncing in and out of sight from behind the group of creatures studying him. "Wait... what's English like?"
He unconsciously kept the train going, his common-sense pushing him to respond.
"This."
"That?"
"Yeah, this."
"Tha-" The pink thing was cut off when a spongy purple limb was shoved into her mouth by Purple, knowing that Pink wouldn't do much to cease the unnecessary babble.
The backdrop of the sun gleamed onto the stunningly colourful trees and green landscape. The hills, flora and even the things that were looking at him were vivid, and had a certain impact on Karl's mind, if only he could understand what was going on.
There was a brief moment of silence, and all eyes were on Karl as they waited for him to initiate a further understanding of events. All he could think of though were the many questions on his mind, all of which added up to only one word.
"What?" He said, sitting up as the creatures backed away to give him room. Now that he could see them properly, they seemed like small, colourful horses. His back clicked as he scanned the old-fashioned and oddly-shaped houses a moderate distance away. Some sort of renaissance-style town but with straw roofs, he thought.
"Erm, well... howdy an' welcome to Equestria!" The orange one said suddenly with a thick, American country accent. "We found ya here and were just interested in finding out what you are... no offense. Ain't like nothing we ever saw before." Yet another feminine voice, and this one was wearing a hat.
"If you would be so kind as to enlighten Twilight on the name of your species, I'm sure she shall recall it in no time," Feminine, white-coated and with a horn this time. The pink-covered one was circling him, observing him intently, and a lot more visibly than Purple was.
"...Human?" He asked, both questioning himself and amazed that they didn't understand that by now. It occurred to him that this could easily be a dream, but he had no idea how his imagination could conjure up such beings.
Now it was time for the group to stare at Purple, who was just as confused as before.
"I have no idea... he must be from another world entirely..." She said, stunned.
"And... you are...?" Karl wondered, now asking the questions.
"Oh, I'm Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celes-"
"I mean, what are you? A horse?"
"We're ponies, obviously!" Pink shouted.
"You don't look like any ponies I've ever seen."
"Huh, why not? Where did you come from?" Purple asked inquisitively.
"A place where ponies don't talk. Where I was a couple of seconds ago."
"What happened?" She continued.
"I was... shopping, took a short-cut and dropped my stuff, then I was looking for my biscuits," The pressing matter now took the forefront of his mind. "Seen any biscuits around here?"
"Um... no, can't say that I have..." Twilight said bewilderedly.
"Gonna need to find them, Suzanne's gonna be right pissed if I come back without 'em."
"Oh, well, we can do that later," Purple urged, "For now we need to contact the Princess about this!"
"Isn't gonna take long, is it? Hopefully this is a bit like Narnia, right? 'Cos I was only supposed to be gone a few minutes."
Twilight was astonished that this new arrival could take the whole thing so trivially.
"No... no... I just need to run home and get Spike to take a letter... girls, keep him occupied, will you?" She said, and without waiting for a response, fled into the town ahead.
"You are too weird..." A blue one said, with a rainbow patterned hairstyle and wings.
Karl didn't remember wings or horns as a part of horse anatomy, but then again, neither was the English language a part of their life. Karl considered the idea that humans were stereotyping the animals, giving them low self-esteem and making them unwilling to speak. It was the type of thing he'd probably be called an idiot for.
"Rainbow!" White said, nudging Blue with a hoof in shock. "Do forgive her, I think she is simply confounded by your presence."
"Nah, it's alright. I get it a lot," He said, and began to stand up. His height was impressive in comparison to the others, they were a little more than half his size, and only now did he notice there was a sixth pony cowering behind it's friends. Yellow with Pink hair, Karl assumed like the others it was female, she swapped cover between White, Blue, Orange and Pink.
"So, ya got a name, partner?" Orange asked.
"Karl."
"Pleased ta meetcha, Karl. Name's Applejack, that there's Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy at the back of her," She said, pointing to Blue, White, Pink and Yellow accordingly. "The one that just hoofed it on outta here is Twilight."
He didn't engage in any further conversation for quite a while of awkward silence, and neither did they, until eventually he just burst out with, "Bit weird here, innit?"
Upon seeing their questioning faces, he went on. "I mean, first of all just feel the sun. The rate this is going, the first thing you'd experience here is heatstroke. Not amazement. Sweat and deliriousness," He finished by taking off his black jacket to support his point, revealing a plain, grey t-shirt. "Just tone down the sun is all I'm saying."
"I'll have ta mention that to the Princess," Applejack said jokingly to the others, and Karl didn't take much notice as he glanced around the environment for his missing biscuits. "Can't imagine how strange this must be for ya."
"I'll be honest, it's different. But for all I know this is some scheme set up by Ricky to avoid coughing up the rest of the season two money. Probably isn't, but I'm just saying, if Ricky and Steve pop out of that bush with a banner that says 'Karl, You Pillock', don't say I hadn't a clue," He stopped, regarding their clueless faces and swapping stares of puzzlement. He restarted his rant when he saw Pinkie, smile still wide as ever. "Look at that face, tell me that's not a 'oh, I'm pulling one over on Karl' face."
"That's just my natural happy face!" She beamed.
Karl didn't understand that. He was looking at her with his mouth a bit open and thinking. It was a weird natural face.
"It can be a bit creepy sometimes, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said. "I'm guessing it's even like that in your sleep."
"That's so I can cheer up the boogy-stallion so he won't eat me in my sleep!"
"For the last time, Pinkie," Rarity started, "The boogy-stallion doesn't exist."
"How do you know?! Have you ever seen him?!" She said, alarmed.
"No..."
"Exactly! Because he's hiding from you!"
Karl wasn't interested in whatever they were arguing about, he was too busy having a rare moment of thought on the possibility of what was going on.
So he was in a world where ponies reigned supreme, could talk, had horns or flying abilities and lived in a civilised, human-like manner, yet all Karl could think of was whether he had set this Friday's Sky Movies premiere to record or not.
He knew it was strange and that in anyone else's shoes they'd probably be more excited, but the ties of real life, for he was still unsure of whether this was reality, still kept his mind focused on his steadfast priorities. He had to fix the boiler, the gas man was coming tomorrow, and the rubbish needed to be took out. These simple objectives kept his life grounded, and he was perfectly content with that.
Of course, this didn't answer the likeliness of his situation. Still, if dolphins can use guns now, what's stopping ponies from having human characteristics?
Karl briefly wondered whether or not he had been kidnapped. If so, it would finally give him the chance to use the phrase 'congress tart'.
Twilight came running back, halting whatever conversation was going on as she gave the news.
"The princess wants to see him, we've got a train headed for Canterlot arriving soon."
"Can they send me back from there?" Karl asked before any other pony could speak.
"B-but... you want to go back already?" Twilight said, unhappy at what she hoped could be her test subject's response.
"This is just a bit of a pain in the arse, really. I just want to get me biscuits and go home. It looks fine and all but I've got things to be doing elsewhere."
"Well, we'll discuss it with the princess. If anypony can send you back, it'll be her. You coming, girls?"
"I shouldn't," Rarity said. "But I shall. It is safe to say my curiosity has been peaked."
"Eh, why not?" Applejack said simply.
"Yesyesyes! Train journeys are great!" Pinkie proclaimed.
"Not doing anything else," Rainbow Dash said.
All that was left was Fluttershy, who, after failing to stay hidden behind the bouncing Pinkie, was stuck in a trance, staring at Karl intently.
"You in, sugarcube?" Applejack tried breaking the spell of attentiveness, but Fluttershy was still locked in a stare. "Sugarcube?" Applejack repeated.
"Fluttershy!" Rainbow yelled, prodding her side and snapping her out of it.
"Huh?! Oh, s-sorry, it's just his head is so... round," She said timidly.
Karl could barely believe that, no matter what universe he was in, it seemed people where destined to point that out. It was supporting evidence for his theory that she was Ricky in a suit.
"Is that a yes?" Twilight wondered.
"Oh, okay," Fluttershy concluded, and the group set off through the town in the direction of a train station.
There were many inhabitants in the actual town itself, all with varying reactions to him. Some simply stared, ran away or followed them. No one was keen on inquiring exactly what was going on, choosing to observe from the sidelines on the balconies of their houses or outdoor restaurants.
Just like the six he was travelling with, ponies came with a massive range of colours, most of which were giving him a headache. They also all had a tattoo above their rear-legs for some reason, but Karl had seen stranger tribal customs.
Replace the ponies with humans, and it'd be a quaint little holiday town in the sun that Karl wouldn't mind relaxing in. They had small shops set up everywhere, all for specific things. Quills, couches, hardware, toffee, like something you'd find in a snow-globe, he thought, a true caricature of an easygoing town.
"So what was that you said you were speakin' again?" Applejack suddenly inquired. "Eng-sumthin'?"
"English."
"Well it sounds an awful lot like Equestrian to me," She replied.
"You're speaking it now!" Karl said, frustrated. "In fact, you've even got a mix going on of American and English."
"Fella, trust me in saying I ain't never heard of them places, and I doubt the others have." The ponies sounded noises of agreement.
"Well I've never heard of..." Karl stopped, racking his brain for the name of wherever he was. They had told him, hadn't they? Fortunately, a small building entitled 'Ponyville Antiquities' gave him the answer. "Ponyville," He muttered mindlessly. "Bit simple, innit? I mean, we haven't got a place called 'Human-town'."
"Then I guess you'll be saying Cloudsdale is a stupid name too?" Rainbow Dash said, full of pride and patriotism as she hovered in the air. Karl thought about it before he spoke.
"Is it in the clouds?"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah, that's pretty dim as well."
Rainbow Dash grumbled under her breath as they continued, her empty, body-movement-indicated threats defeated by Karl's uncaring, or oblivious, attitude.
They had gained a collection of onlookers as they reached the heart of the town. The pleasant fragrances drifting through the air of fresh pastries and crisp flowers had no effect on Karl, his mind focused on getting whatever they wanted done, finding the digestives and getting home.
"So... what's the human world like?" Twilight asked, a notepad and quill appearing from nowhere with a spark of her horn.
"S'alright."
"...Is... is that it?" Twilight checked, having a single word noted down so far.
"Yeah. Not bad."
"All-right... not bad..." Twilight muttered to herself as she recorded his thoughts. "What about other humans?"
"I'm probably not the best person to ask to be honest. I don't get other cultures."
"Is there a lot of different cultures?"
"Loads. Knockin' about, eating shark-arse and stuff."
The ponies mouthed the 'delicacy' to each other, unaware of its meaning. Twilight noted it either way as they reached the train station. A short step onto the platform, Twilight showed the attendant a silver strip of paper that was unreadable for Karl.
"You don't sell McVities chocolate digestives here, do you?" Karl abruptly asked. "Could just buy some and go home."
"Oh!" Pinkie yelled. "I can make you some chocolate biscuits!" She enthusiastically chirped, eager to help the human.
"McVities though?"
"Mick-what?"
"See, it won't work if it's not them. Suzanne'll guess and then it'll be a right ball-ache, me listening to her going on about secrets and lying." Karl had a habit of continuing these rants, even if the listeners didn't understand the context or backgrounds, it was as vital as breathing for him.
Not ten minutes later, the old-fashioned black steam train arrived. All eyes were on him as he entered with the group and a small collection of others. He knocked his head on the entrance to the train, exclaiming an obscenity the likes of which the ponies had never before heard. Twilight didn't understand how doorknobs could be the cause of his pain.
The cart he was travelling in would definitely be spacious, were he not sharing it with six animals. The red-coated chairs only had room for two on either side, both facing a white table with overhead storage cramping his height as he took the window seat. This was the price of getting aboard the very first train.
Twilight was sitting next to him, analysing his features as he stared vacantly out of the window and into the escaping countryside. Pinkie had opted to stand, or rather, bounce besides them, while Rarity and Fluttershy sat opposite, with Rainbow Dash snugly in the overhead compartment, free of luggage and already half-asleep.
A snack cart went past, and Karl stopped it for a coffee. His arms were restricted severely by Twilight, nearly smelling him with interest.
"I hate the train. Who's idea was it to cram seven strangers into a cart for hours? At least with the bus you get a choice about where you sit. Except when all the OAP's get on, then you gotta be giving up seats and holding on to the aisle bars," Karl went on, not yet content with his daily moan. The ponies didn't quite know what to think of him, humans seemed like a grumpy bunch.
"So, Karl, any interesting stories from the human world you have to share?" Rarity asked, a cup of coffee next to her as well. Twilight energized at the sound of this, muzzle touching her notepad as she prepared to write.
Karl was unsure why, but his mind wandered to one of the many embarrassing moments of his life, blurting it out before he could stop himself.
"Caught my neighbour with nowt on once while I was doing the dishes. It was awkward when she turned around and spotted me looking."
The ponies wordlessly lost themselves to the abruptness of his sincerity, even managing to understand the slang in view of the context.
"It was alright though, I showed a bit of arse back," He finished in order to dispel any negative thoughts that may have been aroused.
"I... meant more... adventures or unique moments...?" Rarity said.
"Erm..." He sighed. "Got a prostate exam with a few-thousand people watching."
The rest of the journey was spent in quiet save for bare snippets of small talk, which suited Karl fine.
Once they arrived in Canterlot, there were yet more ponies who studied him as he navigated through the fancy, gold-littered streets and to the castle. Monocles, tuxedos and canes surrounded him, falling from their owners at his appearance. The atmosphere could be described as stuffy, even with the refined air.
The sun was lowering, enough to leave a gentle haze of orange over the landscape. Karl regretted not having his phone on him, he could have at least got a picture of a nice sunset, if not proof of this absurdity.
There were guards dotting various buildings leading to a large set of immaculate, golden gates. They too were attired in gold, a sign of pretentiousness, Karl thought. They watched him carefully, but didn't stop them in the group he was with.
The two guards either side of the main entrance let Twilight and her friends pass into the castle casually, Karl accompanying behind.
As soon as they were indoors, the gleaming floors caused Karl to slip over and hurt his knee. More profanities, and less of an understanding of the new, weird creature.
Intimidating stone pillars held the palace hall up, and they began treading on a luxurious red carpet as they advanced towards a set of ivory stairs. Guards made way and from the second floor another important-looking pony emerged, beginning to head down the stairs.
It was taller than Karl, with a crown, flowing hairstyle and golden shoes. The pony had what could be considered an oppressive or kind face, depending on the mood and both wings and a horn. The size alone was enough to convince Karl that this was probably the princess, not the crown. Her white coat seemed befitting of the stained glass windows and polished walls, giving it the air of a true monarch.
"Twilight, so good to see you," She said compassionately. "And the rest of your friends. I assume this is the human you were talking about?"
"Yes, this is Karl. He ended up here... after losing his biscuits..." Twilight said sheepishly. "Karl, this is Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria."
"Pleased to meet you, Karl," The princess said with a slight bow of her head.
"Alright?"
The vagueness of his reply left them without talk momentarily, before Twilight decided to push them along.
"So, what are you going to do with him?" Twilight wondered, eager to have the suggestion of guinea pig thrown out. "He wants to go home, but there could be so much to be learnt from him."
"It is not up to me, nor anypony else. It's rather simple, Twilight. We regard him as we would any other species new to Equestria that show a high level of intelligence. He is free to govern his own actions as a citizen, providing he abides by our laws of course, and if that freedom of choice comes to him deciding that he wants to go home, so be it," The princess declared, surprisingly in favour of Karl's perspective, setting his mind at ease before it even had the chance to worry.
"B-but... but... science!" Twilight whimpered.
"Twi, I doubt you'd wanna be stuck somewhere you know nothin' about," Applejack offered.
"Especially with a completely different species," Rarity added.
"No science?" Twilight asked, her friends apparently against her.
"Things like this happen everyday, Twilight!" Pinkie said.
"Pinkie, this has never happened before. And probably never will," Twilight said sadly.
"Twilight," Rainbow Dash started. "Do you really think he is the best candidate for learning stuff?" She pointed to him, his mouth lightly parted and drool forming at the corner of his mouth as he admired the stained glass windows.
Twilight would have never guessed Rainbow Dash would have been the one to convince her.
"Listen to your friends, Twilight," Celestia said. "They have never steered you wrong before. Now, Karl, I am uncertain of how exactly, if at all, I will be able to send you back."
She paced the halls with Twilight, some of the ponies splitting off from the group in a more informal manner, leaving Karl to wander in circles. Some talk passed of possibilities and magic, which he knew he would never understand, so he ignored it.
The amount of gold in the palace was astounding. Karl was sure that simply melting down the Princess' shoes could have fixed the recession.
Portraits of important events and architecture of the castle lead Karl to believe this place had a rich history, that would go completely over his head. The cloned, shiny guards watched over the proceedings from above and below.
"Perhaps we can form a magical connection to the first entity from his world, the biscuits, the location he ended up and Karl himself," Celestia suggested, gaining Karl's attention at the mention of biscuits.
"It's worth a shot, but we still have to find them," Twilight said. "Can you remember what they look like, Karl?"
"Yeah, blue and white plastic packet. McVities label. Like a circle-cylinder thing."
"Oh! You mean these?" Pinkie said, pulling out the foodage.
"So you had them the whole time," Karl said, annoyed.
"You said biscuits, not plot device!" Pinkie concluded, giving them to him.
The others looked at her with an accustomed confusion, like they were expecting this sort of irregular behaviour.
"Are you sure you want to leave so quickly, Karl? It could be dangerous, we don't know what might happen to you," Twilight said.
"Look, either I lose my arse on the way back home, or Suzanne finds a way here and kicks my arse for avoiding fixing the boiler. One way or another, my arse isn't gonna be happy, so get on with it."
They looked at the princess with a shrug, and her horn began to glow with her eyes closed in concentration. The biscuits were highlighted in the aura of yellow, hovering next to Karl who also began radiating.
"Goodbye, Karl," Twilight said wistfully.
"Thanks for stoppin' by, partner," Applejack said with a tip of her hat.
"Good luck in the future, dear," Rarity said, going down the line of ponies as the light grew stronger.
"Wait, is that it? That's a bit anti-climactic!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"I'll say," Rainbow Dash said. "Oh well, see ya!"
"Um... oh, bye...!" Fluttershy ended, watching the glow illuminate his spherical head like it was the sun.
The feeling of pins and needles shot throughout Karl, that familiar feeling of being sucked into something returning. His short, uneventful trip into a land beyond belief ceased with the echo of his final message:
"Cheers."
He reappeared in the alleyway, his shopping items on the floor and his biscuits lodged in his pocket. Overwhelmed by tiredness, he stuffed the biscuits into his trousers, sugar in one pocket, teabags in the other, and held the milk before going on his way back home.
It was still dark, so hopefully that Narnia theory turned out correct. He entered the warm embrace of his house, leaving his shoes in the hall as quickly as possible before stumbling into the living room, anxious to lose the groceries. Suzanne welcomed him with an unamused expression from her seat next to the fireplace.
He sighed heavily as he dropped onto the couch.
"Don't start, it's been one of those nights."
He lined up the ingredients for tea on his lap, staring at the biscuits last, and for the longest time.
They weren't McVities chocolate digestives. They were hobnobs.
"For fuck's sake." He stood up and began another trek, grumbling to himself about scams and petty annoyances, on the way back to the alley.
