The element of butthurt

Hello there my friend, I was like you, chronic personality disordered virgin in his prime. No one loved me so i attempted a suicide. I failed miserably, apparently revolver to the face was hard to aim,shit is heavy and i don't work out. So i took handful of pills, which later came out to be a Laxatives. I literally shat myself out, Threw up, And died. Just to be teleported to my beloved land of Equestria.

I woke up in the everfree forrest, just like in every other HiE fic out there.
I was discovered by princess Celestia on her walk through the forrest

“Well well well, what do we have here?” she asked

“Hello, my name is Bob Bobington, I'm a teenager from Earth, I think I died and was transported here, but I was on a shitload of pills so I don't really know what's going on anymore”

“Well you best come with me to the palace, since a human in equestria will cause quite the stirr” she said, then poof, we teleported to the castle.

“Welcome to Canterlot Castle, now, since you can't stay human, I'm gonna transform you into any pony of your liking”

“Oohh Ohh! I want to be a pegasus!”

“NO!” she yelled
“You are gonna be an ALICORN! with a red and black color scheme! with GOD LIKE HANDSOMENESS! AND YOU'LL LOVE IT!”

“Y-yes ma'am” I answered.

Then boom, I transformed

“Now transforming into a pony will have it's cost...” she said

“What do you mean?” I asked

“Remember those futa me stories of your world?”

“Yeah so?...”

“Bend over...”

On that note she pulled out a banana, wich on closer inspection was not a banana, it was shining, and when I felt it pressing against my butthole I felt it was cold and metalic, obviously this was a dildo.

After the deed was done we continued our conversation.

“Now you need to take a pony name of your choosing.”

“Can't I just remain Bob Bobington?”

“NO! YOUR NAME WILL BE DARK ENLARGEBOLT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT!”

“Y-yes ma'am”

“Good, now here's your special weapon, forged from the fires of a thousand dragons, tempered in the cold waste wars of the north, it's the all powerfull, mystical... THONG OF ENLARGENESS!”

“Thongs of enlargeness... Why am I not even surprised... So what kind of power does this have?”

“When you put it on, your penis will grow to immense hugeness, large enough to crush even the Ursa Major, ironic isn't it? You getting a massive penis while on earth you had such a little one?”

“Why do I even need a weapon? I asked with genuine confusion.

“You are going to help the mane 6 locate a mysterious artifact of a kingdom yet untouched”

With raising anticipation, you ask "What is this artifact?"

Celetia responds with full seriousness "Its called, Pen15”

“Pen15 huh... Never heard of it, what does it look like?”

“A long tube like shape with an apple on the tip and with spheres at the bottom”
“Some may call it the fountain of life”
“If the fountain finds purity in you, it will sprinkle you with it's glorious golden water, it is said this golden water is made solid by the subzero temperatures of the far north, it's said that the miners go there and mine magnificent chunks of gold, wich makes up the currency of Equestria”
“Bring me this artifact, and I'll seath this fountain in a place where my sun can't reach it”

“Yes princess Celestia, I will begin my quest immediately”

“Good, the other 6 are already waiting outside by the gate”

***One convenient timeskip later***

So, I'm Dark Enlargebolt, nice to meet you all”

“Ermahgerd! Ern erlicern” said Twilight
***after the introductions***

So we're walking through the everfree forest, the cliché manticores and timberwolves are everywhere, when out of nowhere this Ursa Minor shows up

“Oh noes, a Ursa Minor, what will we do now?” Twilight said

“Ha ha ha, not to worry, for I have the *drumroll* THONGS OF ENLARENESS!!” I said as I held my mighty weapon above my head.

“Just lemme get this thing on and...”

Suddenly my penis grew to more then 10.000 times it's size, and it came down with earth shattering force, I saw nothing but a bit of blood coming out from under it, which is probably from that Ursa Minor.

“We should go” Twilight said
“Where there's a Ursa Minor, there is ALWAYS a Ursa Major”

“No.. we can take it easy” I said

“But why?” Twilight said in return

“Because, this story makes 0 sense, so the chances of us running into an Ursa Major are slim.”

So we where moving on again, slowly making our way through the forrest until we reached a more tropical part of the woods, in there we saw like a temple, of some sorts, wich looked like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. Not kingdom of the crystal skull, that movie sucked, but from the good old ones, where Harrison Ford didn't look like he was ready for a retirement home.

So we headed inside, and ofcourse it's way bigger inside then it looks on the outside, and after a while we reached this courtyard where there was a small fountain, with a tube like shape, with an apple at its tip and 2 spheres at the bottom. Then out of nowhere Discord showed up.

“Muahahaha!! you're too late my little ponies, for I, Discord have claimed the--”

BOOOOMMMM!!!!

He was instantly blown against the wall, thanks to a massive cockslap to the face.
After that he fell to the floor where he begged for mercy, but his death was inevitable, so I crushed his head with the tip of my penis, his head popped like a zit. But his demise wasn't enough, no, what I did next was an absolutely shameful act. I lowered onto his face, and dropped my balls in his mouth, I did this in succession... I tea bagged him into oblivion, then I realized that the magical PEN15 artifact was actually the penis of gawd all mighty, and brought it back to Celestia, where she shoved it so far up my ass, it almost came out by my nose, indeed a place where the sun does not shine.

After all that, Twilight took me to her tree house and started seducing me

"You where really brave, taking that artifact so hard up your ass, soo in return I'll let you--- STOP! GET ON THE FLOOR AND DO THE DINOSAUR!"

After that I was sent back to earth and I woke up on a road, I was almost hit by a truck but I managed to dodge it, I ran into some nearby woods instead of following the road like a sane person, only to face an even more grizzly demise as I was raped and torn apart by bears.

The end.

Authors note:

This is actually more of a improved version of my earlier trollfic. This is a colab between me and Chrno.
Aaaaand we seriously have no idea of what the actually motherfucking fuck we just wrote. Sooo enjoy :3