Chapters INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
I was down in the Ponyville Hall of Records, doing one of my most favorite things. I was paying Mol, the somewhat elderly mare who ran the place, seventy bits in contract registration fees. She was happily sorting my most recent contracts and doing all of those clerkly things connected to registering them and making them all into totally legal ruin, bad luck and doom for ponies in and around Ponyville, all paid for in advance by OTHER PONIES from in and around Ponyville! My business is Non Equine magic, conducted by carefully drawn and publicly registered contracts.
Mol was looking at the pile as she shook her head. “They certainly are keeping you busy with your Non Equine magic practice, aren’t they, Grumpy, my favorite dead goat?”
The glamor spell that lets any other being see my otherwise invisible spirit body smiled as I replied, “They certainly are, Mol, my lovely. Seven contracts yesterday alone and not a one that is a minimum fee job. All from 500 golden bits on up.”
Mol smiled as she filed the papers. It always tickles her fancy that I pretend that she is both young and beautiful. It is our game. “I am surprised that any of Ponyville is still standing, Grumpy. Before you started registering your Non Equine magic contracts, I had no idea that so many ponies wished each other such ill will.”
Mol sighed and leaned on the polished hardwood of the counter. “There is something that you should know about, Grumpy. One of the agents for Canterlot Casualty and Life got caught trying to sneak a registered policy out of the files here. It was your old Home Owner’s and Life Insurance policy. You know, the policy that they gave you so much trouble settling when your old house here in town got burned down by that anti goat mob.”
That captured my attention entire. “Perhaps I should take a look at that policy, Mol, my beauty. I was led to believe that it was over and done with after the court ordered settlement was paid on my house all those years ago.”
Grinning like she had just performed a magical trick, Mol reached under the counter and produced a fat envelope. “Somehow, Grumpy, I suspected that you would want to take a look.”
Whistling tunelessly, I leafed through the pages of a policy that I had last seen about fifteen years ago while being bullied by a Canterlot Casualty and Life agent. I was younger, less experienced, and recovering from serious burns along with some broken bones at the time, so I was easier to mislead than I am now. I could easily see WHY they wanted to steal the only copy of this little time bomb.
When I took out the policy, I was new to Ponyville and had named MYSELF as the beneficiary. At the time, I did not know anybody else well enough to just hoof over the whole 5,000 bits to, should I die. True, though it took suing them to get it, they had paid off on my house and contents after the Celestian Church anti goat mob attacked me and set fire to my home.
It was Mol who pointed out to me the deadly part of the policy that was being stolen. Attached to the policy was a Royal Chancery copy of my death certificate with a note of the date that the company was notified that I was formally deceased and must be paid the death benefit of 5000.00 golden bits.
Serenely she hoofed over a separate sheet with the interest and penalties calculated on it. Mol said, “Due to the fifteen year delay so far, the wonders of compound interest, not to mention late fees, based on the total amount owing, Grumpy, they owe you just over 1,000,000 Golden Bits!”
I looked up in something like shock. Batting the eyelashes that I don’t actually have, I commented, “Mol, my darling sweet pony, I thought that I was the evil one here! What led you to check this out for me?”
Gone dead serious and weeping just a little, she leaned heavily on the counter as she replied, “A few months ago, my brother Brownie was killed in a cart accident over on the Falmire Cutoff. He was pulling a two wheel delivery wagon and a big brewery wagon cut too close to him. Their front axle end took out spokes on Brownie’s right wheel. That flipped his cart and dumped him onto his side. The brewery wagon ran over his neck with their rear wheel. It killed him on the spot.
“Canterlot Casualty and Life tried to bully poor Vanner, his widow, into taking only half of his standard life insurance value. They tried to tell her that Brownie had set up the accident and that his death was a suicide! They claimed that they did not have to pay anything and were being GENEROUS in offering her HALF of the standard death benefit.
“Judge Coldheart listened to the case and ordered them to pay the full double indemnity for accidental death forthwith. Even so, Vanner did not get her check for nearly three weeks.”
I looked up (goats like me are little guys) and asked, “Would it be too much trouble to request full copies of this policy and attachments, my lovely mare?”
Her smile returning, Mol slid the documents that I had been studying across the polished hardwood of the counter. “I was pretty sure that you would want them, Grumpy. These are official copies. I paid for them myself. If anyone can kick Canterlot Casualty and Life in the rump, it is you!”
I neatly folded everything back into its envelope, reached up to take Mol’s hoof in my own glamored ones and gave her a kiss on the hoof. “That my lovely sweet young mare is for your kindness. Adieu, my lovely mare, until I next have business for you. You may be assured that I will keep you informed about this little matter, too.”
I took my leave, tail flipping about with pleasure.
Nearing the offices of Canterlot Casualty and Life, I thoughtfully let the glamor spell on my invisible spirit body go. I did cast one more small glamor to make my very solid saddlebags turn invisible as well.
I waited until some ponies were going in and joined them, thus entering the office without being noticed. Even if nopony could see it, I smiled. This was my idea of fun!
The Ponyville branch manager’s door was shut. I did the simplest thing possible. I knocked. At his call of, “Come in!” I did. And shut the door behind me. The dark blue unicorn with a pale purple mane and tail sitting behind the desk looked up after a few moments of determined looking but bogus paper shuffling.
Irritated that his act of being terribly busy but managing to find a little time for the client was apparently wasted, he returned to actually doing some sort of paperwork. I let that drag on for a few moments before returning his ‘shot across my bows’ with a broadside of my own!
Without bothering to become visible in any way, I stated, “We need to talk. Specifically, we need to discuss the fifteen year delayed payment of the Grumpeter Goat life insurance claim.”
He gave away that he knew exactly what I was talking about by his ghastly start and near choking before he managed to snap, “I have no idea what you are talking about!”
“Really? Then your agent, or should I say accomplice, was lying to the nice police officers? You know, the ones who arrested him for trying to steal the original registered policy from the Hall of Records. He said that he was just following his boss’ orders. HIS boss. That would be YOU.”
Trying to shift the conversation to safer ground, he demanded, “At least have the courtesy to show yourself!”
That gave me an idea that was so mean and evil that I just had to do it! I faded slowly into view, my glamor spell taking the form of a maggot and corruption leaking goat zombie!
I love glamors. They are such easy spells, once you get the hang of them. And I have had YEARS of practice!
From his expression, Mister Stallheart (at least that is what his desk sign said) was not having the best of days! Score another one for the 'evil goat’!
I reached into an apparently rotting saddlebag and produced my nice clean papers! I laid them on the desk in front of Stallheart. He recoiled from them as if they were deadly serpents. From his point of view, maybe the serpents would have been preferable.
They were the copies of the policy with attached death notice, my death certificate, and the calculation of just how much they owed by trying to be cheapskates and not pay a goat.
Stallheart tried to gather them all into one of the files on his desk. I placed a corrupted appearing but sturdy hoof on them. “Those are MY copies. If you need copies, I can make them for you. Only five copper a page. If you already have copies, then simply give mine back.”
Stallheart had to open the file to get some of my papers back out. There, right on top, was THEIR copy of my death certificate. There were other papers under it. Considerably more than just the policy. More importantly it proved that the Grumpeter Goat file that he 'knew nothing about’ was right there on his desk! Even worse for him, it was the file that he had tried to sweep my copies into, meaning that he knew EXACTLY where it was.
With ill grace, he returned my papers, stating, “I thought that you were giving me those copies.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
The nice blank cover of the file turned bright red. Truth testing spells are easy and quick to do. And VERY useful. My grin appeared to be losing several teeth and some maggots seemed to be leaking out!
I pointed to the red cover and and suggested, “Next time that you know that you are facing a being who knows Non Equine magic, lying is not a good idea.
“In two days, another 2,500 golden bits late penalty will be due and added to the balance owing and subject to interest. I will not be back down from my cave in that time. If you wish to discuss the payment or terms for payment, you will have to come to me.”
I took my papers and my leave. Corrupted appearance or not, I felt far cleaner after I left Stallheart’s office. I did not bother to remove the zombie glamor until I was well away from the offices of Canterlot Casualty and Life. I resumed my usual town glamor as a handsome piebald black, brown and tan goat with full curl horns, just like I used to be before the little necromantic accident that killed me about fifteen years ago.
I wended my way through the “cosmopolitan downtown” of Ponyville and turned up Mane street. I figured that a nice big clover top burger with onion rings and a clotted cream milkshake would be just the ticket to clear the bad taste of dealing with Mister Stallheart.
Caramel Treat’s Sweets is a restaurant that is always good for what ails me. Caramel Treat and her mate Fangrin are two of the finest werewolf ponies that a goat could hope to meet. Their extremely heightened werewolf senses make them superb cooks. Their waitress, Peanut Brittle is another treasure. She is a true golden palomino, a rare color pattern among ponies. She is also the reason that I don’t hate all ponies, only most of them!
Peanut took in a battered, badly burned goat with broken bones and nursed me back to health. That was just after Caramel and Fangrin, in their wolf forms, rescued me from an anti goat mob fomented by the now defunct Celestian Church.
Such times are now thankfully behind us all. Even more thankfully, the friendships formed back then are still strong.
Peanut saw me coming up the street and called, “Your usual, Grumpy?”
As I settled myself at an outdoor table, I replied, “Of course! Am I so predictable as all that, Peanut?”
Flirting her tail playfully as she went in to deliver my order, she chirped, “Yes, you are!”
That settled, she began to industriously set up my tray.
Looking into the interior of the shop, usually only opened in bad or cold weather, I noticed a nanny with two kids at a table. They appeared to be about as happy as a dying creature is when seeing vultures spiraling overhead. Having a well developed curiosity bump, I pointed to them and asked Peanut, “What is their story?”
Peanut explained, “They are Graymak’s family. He was a really nice goat who helped us with our first Nightmare Night celebration and lots of them since. He passed on about a month ago. Canterlot Casualty and Life has been refusing to pay his insurance and his family are on really hard times.” As she mentioned Canterlot Casualty and Life, Peanut’s lovely snout wrinkled in disgust.
She went on, “Caramel found out and she is feeding them for free. I wish that we could do more.”
I paused in sucking on my milkshake. Squinting my eyes in thought, I offered, “I can help. Find out what they need. This evil old dead goat will pay it. I will collect it back later from Canterlot Casualty and Life.”
Peanut actually gave me a hug and said, “Thanks, Grumpy. I am sure that Nalit and the kids will appreciate your help.”
Werewolf hearing and other senses have to be experienced to be believed. The lovely caramel tan colored pony that is Caramel Treat in her pony form came out and sat by me. “I heard what you said, Grumpy. Graymak and his friends were really important to me. If you are going to take care of Nalit, this meal is on me.”
I shrugged. “It is not a problem, Caramel. Have them bring all of their receipts, bills and notices here. I will pay it all out of my funds. I will give them a living stipend too, while this business of their life insurance is sorted out.”
Caramel nodded thoughtfully and asked, “Got any of your blank contract forms along, Grumpy? Perhaps we could, um, you know, sort of expedite the payment?”
I just had to grin at that one! A grin with fangs in it! I do so love the flexibility of appearance that glamors allow me! I stated, “Capital idea, Caramel! It just so happens that I do! I also have another claim that might get sort of folded into the contract! Here, take a look at this.”
I fished out my old policy and and the sheet of figures on how much Canterlot Casualty and Life owed ME.
Whistling tunelessly, Caramel stared at the total due. Then she offered, “You know, Grumpy, it could be really fun to put those scavengers in a corner where they had to pay EVERY outstanding claim HONESTLY.”
I blinked about three times, stunned by the sheer beauty of the idea. Recovering quickly, I fished out a blank contract and started to fill in the cover page! I innocently pointed out, “I do have to be paid for this, you know, Caramel. Would ten copper bits be too much?”
Caramel smiled, a wolf’s tongue lolling out between fangs that normally had no place in a pony! “I see, Grumpy! That is the smallest sum that you can make exact change for your 10% refund, if the contract fails! Somehow, I think that if Fangrin and I try REALLY hard, we can manage to raise the sum!”
Chuckling, she hoofed over the single silver bit, worth exactly ten copper bits.
I quickly filled in a results page that would have horrified the Canterlot Casualty and Life Board of Directors that sit in Canterlot if they had seen it.
I became aware that I was being watched by more than just Caramel. The nanny, Nalit and her kids were watching in fascination too. She bleated quietly, “How does something like this work? I mean, it just looks like a simple contract to cause something that is totally out of our hooves to happen.”
I nodded cheerfully. “Completely correct, Nalit. The fly in reality’s ointment is that little thing called Non Equine Magic. I won’t go into detail about how it works or is done but the results spelled out here on the results page will appear to work out by entirely ordinary means no matter how bizarre those means wind up being. Point is, that those ‘ordinary means’ will be guided by this contract to leave us with the results that we want. Nothing flashy, just the world deciding to go OUR way, instead of THEIR way.”
Peanut interrupted to bring out my clover top burger, onion rings and seconds on my shake. She also had the food for Nalit and brood.
Caramel looked over the results page and laughed out loud. She also signed the contract on the spot! Chortling, she suggested, “Looks like you are going to have to go see Mol again today, Grumpy!”
That brought a most welcome spectator. Coalsmoke’s lovely voice asked, “Doing a contract here at Caramel’s, Grumpy? I thought that you only did your business up at your cave. What is this, may I see? It is going to be publicly registered, after all.”
I smiled with delight that was only partly due to the presence of Ponyville’s most beautiful and smartest business mare. “I would be delighted to have you look over this particular contract, Coalsmoke, my dear friend. While you are at it, have whatever you want, on me. Consider it a consultation fee. I want to be sure that I have done this particular piece of business as well as I can.”
Coalsmoke turned her beautifully conformed head to Peanut and said, “You heard our favorite dead goat, Peanut. I will have your surf and turf, with the clover steak done rare. Put an asparagus salad on the side and I will have the honey apple cocktail, thank you, dear.”
Turning back to me she took the contract and her eye brows shot up in surprise. “Only ten bits? You must really have it in for them! Let’s see who it is!”
She flipped past the legal boiler plate first page and started to read the results page. She put it down and chuckled deep in her throat. “Don’t change a thing, Grumpy! I really want to see this one work out. I used to use Canterlot Casualty and Life as a benefit for my workers. When I found out how bad their payout policy was I dropped them like a rock.
“I got together with Ponyville Trust and Loan and we set up an honest insurance system for my workers.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
I picked up everything, folding and sorting the pages into three envelopes. One, I tucked into my saddlebag for my files. I gave the second to Caramel, who had paid for it and signed it.
The last one I took with me as I bid my friends and company adieu. “I must away to the registry! See you later!”
Coalsmoke held up a book, calling, “Catch you up at the cave, Grumpy! I have the new Daring Do for our reading!”
With a spring in my step, I dashed back to the town hall and the Hall of Records. Mol greeted me, “Goodness, Grumpy! Your business must really be brisk today! In here TWICE?”
She took the envelope and opened it. As fast as she saw the target of this contract, she beat me to paying the registry fee! As she hoofed over the few bits, she commented, “This couldn’t happen to a better company! I can’t wait to tell Vanner about this!”
Back up at my cave, I heard familiar voices. Coalsmoke was speaking to somepony with a voice that was both soft and dream like. I had to wonder what could have brought Princess Luna to my humble abode. More to the point, I had wonder what happened to her usual squad of guards.
I kept the glamor of my handsome piebald black, brown, and tan goat self as I stepped up onto the ledge in front of my cave. Princess Luna, Coalsmoke and the Litch King, Lord of the Dead, known to his few friends as Clarence were quietly chatting. Luna’s Royal Guards were sitting off to one end of the ledge and not even trying to be the officious, class conscious pack of clowns that they usually appear to be.
Luna cheerfully called out, “Grumpy! I am playing hooky! Lord Rockbottom’s lawn party will have to do without me. Thank whatever goodness there is for that. In over three thousand years, I have never attended any event more boring than one of Lord Rockbottom’s lawn parties.”
I pretended to be stunned by the thought. “You came here instead of going to one of Rockbottom’s wonderful parties? How astounding.” It was an act. A bad one. I have been to ONE of Lord Rockbottom’s lawn parties. It was TWO too many.
The Guard Major, in charge of the squad and a veteran of Luna’s service, spoke up with mild good humor, “Sir, we have all had his lawn parties inflicted on us.” He raised a hoof to point to the Princess. “She threatened to make us go to his next one if we interfere with her visit to you.”
I grinned as I replied, “That is inhumane! What did you do to bring out the Nightmare in Princess Luna?”
Clarence, sun glinting off the polished bones of his skeleton, observed cheerfully, “I believe that I know what I should do for Lord Rockbottom’s eternity! I could inflict an unending lawn party of his own devising on him!”
Princess Luna recoiled and stated, “Clarence! That would be utterly inhumane! And totally appropriate!” She smiled, saber toothed fangs showing in her otherwise perfect face. “May I suggest a guest list, Clarence?”
He tapped his bare front teeth with a bony hoof and pretended to consider the possibility. “That depends, Luna, my dear. Are you sure that you hate all of them that much?”
Coalsmoke, ever the truly practical one, pointed out, “While you are considering that, I have Daring Do and the Adventure of the Singing Sands. We can listen to Grumpy’s reading and be serene in the knowledge that WE are NOT at Lord Rockbottom’s!”
We were just settling ourselves for reading when Coalsmoke noticed a pony, tiny in the distance, struggling up the trail to my cave. Only grumping a little, the whole entourage trooped into my cave and went on into the back room, closing its iron sheet covered door behind them.
They knew that even though my contracts are publicly registered, many of my clients are quite shy about being seen dealing with the evil dead goat. Got to admit, they mostly do have good reasons for the secrecy. I mean, nearly all of them are trying to cause some sort of meanness or evil for other ponies and don’t want to be known as the one responsible. If they stay secret, they can (and do) blame the “evil goat up on the mountain.”
That bothers me not at all. Some of my best friends are ponies, in spite of which, I have an overall detestation of ponies in general. Helping them along the path to an unhappy meeting with Clarence (Lord of the Dead, remember?) and getting well paid for it does not bother me at all. If ponies had been a bit nicer about fifteen years ago, I would not be dead now. I would also be a lot poorer.
I first raised the Lord of the Dead to gain revenge on ponykind after the afore mentioned mob caused me to hate ponies in general. He and I did make a bargain in regards to my revenge. There were two flaws in what I did. One was a printer’s error in the gramarye that I used. The second was that the Lord of the Dead turned out to have a sense of humor.
After I summoned him to make a zombie to rampage among those that wronged me, he advised me not to, pointing out the problems with the idea. He suggested that I have him create an invisible spirit body, controlled by my will alone. On the face of it, it was good advice, so I took it.
The printer’s mistake with the pentacles let him take MY body and leave my mind in charge of the invisible spirit body! He left me my skull, neatly aged looking, to wear like a hat for letting others know where I am, unless I take it off, that is.
It has worked out really well, actually. Clarence and I are now friends. He comes and goes freely in my cave as a welcome guest.
Back to the unpleasant present. Stepping up onto the ledge in front of my cave was none other than Mister Stallheart, of Canterlot Casualty and Life.
I smiled at him as I inquired, “Mister Stallheart! Do you have money for me or perhaps a payment plan? I am willing to accept either one. A payment plan with a reasonable interest rate would be most welcome!”
He stared down his prominent nose at the apparently ordinary goat speaking to him and replied distastefully, “I have a simple settlement agreement for your signature, Mister Goat.”
I nodded. I am well used to ponies who look down on me because I am a goat. Their disdain is returned with a side helping of disgust at their meanness. Still, gold is gold.
I gestured at my steel fronted cave entrance with its siege rated door. “Do come in, Mister Stallheart. I do all of my business inside, away from prying eyes.”
Without waiting to see if he was following, I trotted in and took my ease in the only easy chair in the front room of my cave. I reached over and lifted my skull with its everburning candle between the horns and glamors of glowing snake-like eyes and big fangs from its stand. I settled it onto my spirit body, replacing my apparent head.
The smooth talking dark blue unicorn with the pale purple mane and tail sat on my carpet and opened his briefcase. He smiled, but not with his eyes. “Now, Mister Goat, I just need you to sign this simple settlement paper here.”
He proffered a pen and sheet that was folded back so that only the signature line showed.
Since I already had a glamor spell on my invisible spirit body to appear as the handsome piebald black, tan and brown goat that I used to be, except for my skull, I reached out a hoof and snagged the whole sheet off the top of his case and unfolded it.
Rattling the largely blank page in front of his eyes, I pointed out, “This is NOT a settlement of my claim! It is a quitclaim on my policy and, in violation of Crowns Law, there is blank space above the signature line.
“That practice was made illegal after sharpers like you conned ponies and others into signing documents and then later filling in ruinous terms that were not there at signing.”
He snapped, “A quitclaim IS a settlement! We will let you off from fraud charges if and only if you sign the quitclaim!
“You cannot sit there in front of me, living and breathing, and pretend to be dead!”
I snickered. “Totally wrong, Sir! I am absolutely deceased! I only breathe when I talk. That is only for appearances and can be dispensed with. The fact of my death has been proved in both the local and Kingdom courts.
“As you are well aware, my death certificate is formally registered in the Ponyville Hall of Records. It is irregular in one regard. The Signing Physician, who also put her seal to the document is none other than Princess Luna herself.”
He snapped, “Canterlot Casualty and Life rejects that document as fraudulent!”
I raised my eyebrows at that. “Really? Well, as this quitclaim demonstrates, you are experts where fraud is concerned! The Royal Seals cannot be counterfeited. Besides my death certificate there are five rulings by both the local and Kingdom courts.”
“Name one case to prove that insanity!”
I promptly returned, “The case was decided under the Royal Wing, from which there is no possible appeal. It is Ponyville Medical Society vs. Grupeter Goat .
“The basis of the case was the Ponyville Medical Society refusing to pay a slander and libel settlement to me. Their grounds were that since I was dead, by my own admission, that any payment had to be made to the executor of my estate, not to me.
“The joint ruling of the Princesses was that the Edict of Equality applied to me. As a still conscious and reasoning being, I remain not only a citizen but am the lawful executor and sole owner of my estate.
“Both Princesses also agreed that the Edict of Equality and Equestrian Citizenship do apply to all deceased individuals whether they be ghosts, vampires, zombies or any other undead being if they retain consciousness and the ability to reason.
“The issuance of my Royally sealed Death Certificate was a part of that case. It so states on it in the actual horn writing of Princess Luna herself. That is why I picked that particular case. You have a copy of the certificate and connected case, I saw them when you tried to swipe my copy of the insurance policy.”
Just at that moment, we heard the creaking of hinges. The door to the back room of my cave opened. Princess Luna and her guards entered, quietly filling the front room and securing the only door to the outside and escape!
Mildly, she said, “Your pardon for the interruption, Grumpy. The reason that I am here and this business of yours that I could not help but overhear are connected. Lord Rockbottom, whose lawn party I am dodging, is the CEO of Canterlot Casualty and Life.
“Do you know of any other problem payouts that they have had?”
I nodded. “Two others, your Highness. The pony Brownie, a brother of Mol, at the Ponyville Hall of Records, was killed in a carting accident. Payment was offered at one half of face value with the claim that the accident was a suicide. They had to sue. When they did, they got an order for double indemnity because of the accident. Their payment was slow in coming after the court order.
“The other is Graymak the goat, a friend of Caramel Treat. His widow Nalit and their kids are on hard times due to the slow payment of the policy death benefit. I have paid their bills and given them a living stipend out of my own pocket.”
That was too much for Stallheart! “You what!? We were holding back on him to be sure that he wasn’t murdered! He died under unexplained circumstances!”
I nodded and said sarcastically, “RIIIGHT. He spent his last week in Ponyville General Horsepital with a terminal cancer. His death was attended by his physician, his family and Reverend Smallflower. Which one of them is the murder suspect? Why did you fail in your legal duty to notify the Ponyville authorities of your suspicions?”
Princess Luna was watching and listening with interest.
Stallheart snapped, “You screwed up the foreclosure on the Graymak house and land! That is a valuable property that no mere goats have any right to!”
I pounced on that! “Really? Bleatin’ Hallow was the worst land in the Ponyville area. Ponies ignored it for nearly seventy years. It was only after the goats moved in and put a lot of work into the land that it became worth anything. Now it is too good for mere goats? What kind of scavenger are you?”
He growled back, “This ain’t got nothing to do with why I am here. Just sign off the quitclaim or get sued for claiming to be dead. Those are your only choices!”
I just smiled serenely as I hoofed over the quitclaim paper to Princess Luna. “Here, my dear Princess, is what he wants me to sign. Could you perhaps educate him on just how deep the cesspool is that he just jumped into?”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
She took one look at the sheet and demonstrated that she had learned a great deal in her three thousand years. “Major Lightning, please formally detain Mister Stallheart for multiple violations of Crowns Law.
“This altercation has just become a case under the Royal Wing. Not only have I personally heard violations of the Edict of Equality, I have been presented with a PRINTED contract form from Canterlot Casualty and Life that is in blatant violation of Equestrian Business Law. I have heard what appears to be a criminal conspiracy to deprive the beneficiaries of policy holders of both their proper disbursements and to further victimize the beneficiaries through improper seizure of homes and land.”
Stallheart struggled against being put into restraints but to no avail. There were more guards than he could resist and they were stronger, too. The Royal Guard might be made up of petty nobles, but they are first and foremost, a well trained military unit.
That he was not thinking too clearly became evident in mere seconds! “If this is going to be a trial under the Royal Wing, I demand that Celestia hear the case too!”
Luna grinned in delight! Pulling out a Magic Net mirror, she tapped a few well practiced codes. As soon as Celestia showed in the mirror, Luna began, “Tia! Guess what? I have got you out of Lord Rockbottom’s lawn party! We have a demand for both of us to hear a case under the Royal Wing.
“Be sure to let Lord Rockbottom know that the case dragging you away from his excellent entertainment is due to his Ponyville Branch Manager, Mister Stallheart. It appears that he may have involved the company in some minor transgressions.
“One more thing, be sure to stop by the kitchens and pick up the ingredients for Grumpy’s clovertop scramble. Enough for about fifteen.
“See you soon, Sis.”
Stallheart was aghast. “You just blackened my name with the CEO of Canterlot Casualty and Life! How could you?”
Mildly, Luna replied, “So far, you have violated the Edict of Equality in my hearing. You have stated that those who developed Bleatin’ Hallow from a worthless waste to some of the richest farmland in the area have no right to it.
“In addition, you have stated that a Death Certificate that I personally filled out and sealed was fraudulent. I assure you that it is not. Grumpeter Goat’s death was the accidental result of a misprint in the book that he was using as a guide to his Working.”
Stallheart slumped. “OK, we will pay him the million golden bits that he is after. No need for all the rest of this. The big thing is gonna be taken care of.”
At the word “ACCIDENTAL” Coalsmoke’s ears pricked up!
Coalsmoke suggested, “Perhaps Her Highness would like to look over your old policy, Grumpy.”
Shrugging, I hoofed it over to Princess Luna. As she flipped through the pages, she frowned. She set the policy down and pulled out a big circular sliding rule. Consulting the policy, she began flipping the sliding rings and the hairline about with the ease of long practice.
Putting down the policy and the calculator, she said, “Canterlot Casualty and Life does not owe you any million golden bits, Grumpy.”
Stallheart curled his lip and sneered, “Been trying to tell him that since I got here! Thanks for confirming it, Princess.”
She looked at him as if he was a lump of sludge that learned to speak. “He was trying to cheat you even here at the last, Grumpy. They owe you about FIVE and a quarter million golden bits. Your death was ruled an ACCIDENT. Double indemnity applies. Just amazing how it grows when the starting sum is TEN thousand instead of five thousand.”
I was simply stunned.
I turned on Stallheart and replied to his earlier attempt to weasel out of this, “Right. We can just forget about all those other policies that that you are cheating on, even to the point of getting the beneficiaries evicted from their homes before you pay them a bit. Not likely.”
In the uncomfortable silence that followed, Stallheart looked like he might want to hide under the carpet or somewhere else inconspicuous.
It was just then that there came a gentle knock at my very solid steel front door. Luna opened it eagerly. She hugged her sister, exclaiming, “Celestia! It is so good to see you! This will be a fun one! Before we can reach a complete verdict, we are going to have to do total audits of both Canterlot Casualty and Life AND Equestrian National Bank! We are going to be free of the Court stuffed shirts for at least a week!”
Celestia snickered, “Thanks for the rescue, Luna. There is only one thing wrong with what you just said. If we are going to be doing a Royal Wing audit of BOTH Canterlot Casualty and Life and Equestrian National Bank, how much do you want to bet that we are going to be horn deep in nobles trying to find ways to stop it? An awful lot of them are heavily invested in one or both of those companies.”
Coalsmoke grinned and replied, “Simple really. Just let it be known that you are looking for some financial wrongdoing by an interlocked cadre of executives in both institutions. Don’t say WHAT the wrongdoing is, just that ANY attempt to interfere with your audit will be regarded as complicity and result in direct financial responsibility by the shareholders involved. That should keep them away from the investigation in droves!
“For now, simply require Canterlot Casualty and Life to make insurance payments to beneficiaries promptly and freeze the ability of the Bank to foreclose any properties Kingdom wide, until you directly approve them.”
Luna smiled serenely as she agreed, “We have just been given business advice by one of Equestria’s best business mares. I think that we should take it.”
Celestia nodded. “Anything else that we should do, Coalsmoke?”
The lovely pure black mare batted her eyelashes at me as she pointed to me. “Him. Buy a customized truth testing spell from Grumpy, along with the questions that you need to ask of it. I have several of them myself. Great time savers. You can’t believe how quickly you start to get honest answers purely by habit when the liars themselves turn ghastly colors according to the degree of the lies that they try to tell you.”
The Twins chuckled. I volunteered, “I do have to be paid for the magic to work …”
Stallheart interrupted, “That’s a greedy goat for you! He never does anything for less than a hundred gold! You are about to be robbed blind!”
I waited him out and went on, “Think that the Equestrian National Treasury can swing ten whole copper bits? We can discuss the exact contract terms over the clover bloom scramble. When we have the contract ready, one of the guards can fly it down to the Registry in the morning. Mol will have closed up and gone home by now.”
Guard Major Lightning spoke up thoughtfully, “We could put Mister Stallheart in a transport net and remove him to the Ponyville Jail as a Royal Prisoner. No point in having him here to listen to all that will be discussed regarding his company and the bank.”
“Well thought on, Major,” Luna replied. She paused to write and seal a note. “Deliver this along with the prisoner. Judge Coldheart needs to be aware of the terms under which he is being held.”
The guards efficiently wrapped Stallheart in the transport net and carried him out, the sound their wings fading into the distance.
The next morning, after a quiet breakfast, Princesses Celestia and Luna, accompanied by their guard, took off from my ledge. Watching them glide down toward Ponyville in perfect formation was an impressive sight.
Coalsmoke and I trotted down the trail, she to return to her many business interests and I to register the truth spell contract. I was chuckling at the idea of so many business ponies in the Equestrian National Bank and Canterlot Casualty and Life turning interesting textures and shades of amusing colors while trying to lie their way out this mess!
We parted company with the agreement to meet for lunch at Caramel Treat’s.
As I trotted serenely along Ponyville’s well shaded streets I noticed genuine proof that some ponies can actually learn from past errors! Several unicorns that I remembered from the days when they were Celestian Church bullies were quietly crossing the street to avoid any risk of meeting me … again! Those “superior” unicorns had provided the public of Ponyville with many amusing mishaps by running afoul of my simple and non lethal defensive spells back during the days of the “Celestian Church”.
My little glamored hooves that really aren’t there pattered on the nice carpet runners of the Ponyville town hall as I turned into the Hall of Records. Mol looked at my happy smile and snickered, “A smile like that on you bodes no good for somepony! What is happening now?”
I just hoofed over the contracts and said, “Read them for yourself, my lovely young accomplice in justice.”
Mol was chuckling as she picked up the contracts. “With you Grumpy, those two words usually go together as one word. INJUSTICE!”
Her eyes caught the twin Royal Seals, along with the Seal of their mother, Skyglow, Titan of Life Creation, and titular Queen of Equestria. Suddenly, Mol became all business, very carefully documenting the contracts. Looking up from her work, she asked seriously, “Why would their Highnesses need customized truth spells?”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
My tail was happily flipping about so fast that I almost thought that I should be flying as I replied, “They were requested to do a trial under the Royal Wing! As preparation for the trial, they are doing a TOTAL AUDIT of both Canterlot Casualty and Life and the Equestrian National Bank.
“Besides that, their Highnesses have given both institutions Royal Orders to make immediate payment of insurance claims in full and to cease all foreclosures unless specifically and individually approved by both Celestia and Luna.”
Mol brightened up and suggested, “Perhaps you ought to suggest to their Highnesses that they extend their inquiry here to the Hall of Records. All foreclosures, insurance claims and pay outs have to be registered.”
“Mol, my sweet and lovely young mare, would you honor me by joining Coalsmoke and I for lunch at Caramel Treat’s?”
Shortly, I was at the front door of Canterlot Casualty and Life. My way was blocked by a Royal Guard at first. “No pony or other is allowed in, sir. There is a Royal Audit in progress.”
“I know that, Sargent Cirrus. Please convey to Her Highness Princess Luna, that Grumpy Goat has information that she has requested and a suggestion for further inquiry about the matters in question.”
To my surprise, he replied courteously, “Please wait here, sir. I shall relay your message.” He called a replacement to stand guard while he did just that. In only a few moments, he escorted me back to Stallheart’s office, where Princess Luna was plowing her way through a stack of documents. She looked up and smiled.
“Hi, Grumpy! What have you got for me?”
“Two things, Princess. First, your truth spells are now registered and active. Second, Mol, down at the Hall of Records, suggested that you double check what you find here with the registry because insurance claims, pay outs, foreclosures and other title changes need to be registered.”
“I see. I am going to pass that along to Celestia. She is handling the Equestrian National audit. I am sure that she will find the notion as useful as I will.
“Now, I am really busy.” She looked up from her papers with a grin and added, “But not too busy to snag lunch from Caramel Treat’s! See you there in about an hour, Grumpy!”
Coming out of the Canterlot Casualty and Life office, I ran into a lovely green mare with lighter green mane and tail. She had her camera along and was getting pictures of the closed office with Royal Guards standing sentry duty at the doors.
I greeted her, “Hi, Romaine! If you want the best story on this and the Equestrian National being shut too, come on up to Caramel Treat’s with me. Princess Luna will be heading up there in about an hour to get lunch. She is handling the Canterlot Casualty and Life side of the case.”
As we trotted up Mane Street toward Caramel Treat’s Sweets, Romaine asked, “What exactly is happening, Grumpy? You seem to be in the middle of it, whatever it is.”
I snickered as I replied, “I was just the pebble that set off the landslide. You are aware that I am dead, right? Have been for fifteen years now, correct?”
Romaine nodded. “You even have a death certificate signed and sealed by Princess Luna. I remember the trial when you sued the Ponyville Medical Society. Princess Luna even went to the trouble to get your exact date and time of death from the Litch King.”
“Well, it turned out that Canterlot Casualty and Life knew it too. They convinced me that paying off my house ended the policy. Thing is, it had a β5000 death benefit too. They have been ignoring that for the last fifteen years. With interest and penalties, it has grown to a tidy sum.
“They realized that the last copy of the policy that was not in their records was in the Hall of Records. Mol caught them red hoofed trying to steal it.
“That and a few other shenanigans turned up a host of irregularities. Seems that Equestrian National is tied up solidly in the mess, too. There was a demand by one of the ringleaders for a trial under the Royal Wing.
“That has led to the present audits of both institutions as the Princesses gather their evidence.”
Romaine smiled serenely as she took her notes. “I believe that I will indeed join you at Caramel Treat’s for lunch, Grumpy.”
I snickered as I added, “Just be sure that we get a big enough table. Mol from the Hall of Records, Coalsmoke and Princess Luna will be there too.”
Pretending to be scandalized, Romaine chortled, “What? Princess Celestia isn’t going to be there?”
As we strolled into Caramel’s nice outdoors dining area, we were treated to the sight of Princess Celestia already sitting at a large table!
She cheerfully waived and called us over, “Luna called me by magic net! This audit is being so much fun! Those truth spells of yours are a delight to use, Grumpy!”
Romaine blinked about three times as she digested that little bombshell. She tilted her head and regarded me curiously for a moment. “Somehow, Grumpy failed to mention selling you truth spells. They will be publicly registered, so would you mind telling me just how a simple truth spell is a delight to use?”
Celestia snickered with glee as she explained, “These mostly don’t affect documents. We do have some for that and it is making things so much easier for us to spot false or otherwise improper documents. The main thing though is that ponies who tell us lies change appearance according to how badly they are lying! It can range from looking a little off color to looking like a drooling zombie.”
We were interrupted by the sound of Royal hooves skipping along on the cobbles like a filly at play! Luna was accompanied by Mol, from the Hall of Records, and the lovely Coalsmoke, decked out in her finest mourning gear. And smiling serenely.
I was taken aback by Coalsmoke’s mourning clothes and asked, “What happened to Noxon? I thought that he was healthy as a horse. Number eight, isn’t he?”
“He was, Grumpy. Our finances were separate, thanks to the prenuptial agreement. The note that he left before he jumped from a third story window balcony says that he was due to be interviewed by Princess Celestia about the Bleatin’ Hallow mess. It looks like he was hock deep in it. Once his estate is sorted out, I will still get a goodly sum.
“Based on the note, I have my agents looking up all of the evicted goats and restoring them to their lands and homes at no charge to them.”
Romaine promptly had her notebook out. After scribbling quickly, she asked, “Why are you doing that? Surely it will cost you a great deal?”
Coalsmoke tilted her head a little and nodded. “In the short term it will, yes. In the long term, I will be reimbursed either as part of this audit and the trials to follow or as a Royal benefice. I would rather it come as a reimbursement from the guilty parties.”
Romaine scribbled again, following up with, “You did not say why you are doing it. So, why?”
Coalsmoke did not even pause but replied, “Ethics. What happened in Bleatin’ Hallow is something that no citizen of Equestria should be subjected to. I know and have many of those goats on my payrolls in my various businesses. They are friends of mine. Even if I never recover a copper of my costs, it will still be the right thing to do.”
We were all busy briefly with ordering our meals. As we were giving our orders to Peanut Brittle, Caramel’s lovely palomino waitress, a pony in business attire stamped up!
He zeroed in on me like an angry dragon sighting the cause of its irritation! “YOU! You did this to me! You must undo it at once!”
I looked innocently up into his apparently semi-rotting face, with pus leaking from the corners of his eyes. “Me? No, I am innocent of your present difficulty. If I was, it would be registered in the Hall of records.”
I saw the cogs clicking into place in Romaine’s clever head! She whispered to me, “Can I get a photo of that?”
I replied happily, “Sure you can, Romaine. It is a glamor. Mister Cheet M. Lots will photograph perfectly.”
Her camera started clicking madly!
Still fixated on me, Mister Lots declared, “If this is a glamor, it has to be you! You are the only one in Ponyville that does the vile things! Undo it or I sue!”
Turning my back to him, I inquired of Celestia, “May I tell him? I can even include exactly how he can undo what has happened to him.”
Celestia nearly snorted her apple cocktail out her nose! In utter delight, she authorized, “Absolutely! I let him give me his nonsense this morning because watching this happen to him was so much fun!”
Luna interjected, “You may have a few business ponies from Canterlot Casualty and Life coming to you too, Grumpy! Tia got it so o o right! I did not bother to correct any of my interviewees this morning! Watching this happen to them was a sheer delight!”
Mister Cheet M. Lots demanded, “What does this have to do with my interview with your Highness this morning?”
I smiled. I let the glamor of my handsome goat’s head fade. In it’s place I used my aged bone skull with full curl horns, glowing snake-like eyes and big sharp fangs instead of a goat’s little vegetation chompers. I love glamors. They are so easy for me after all these years.
I answered his question, though. “You did that to yourself, Cheet, old pony. My Royal friends bought some truth testing spells from me. Each lie, evasion or attempt to alter the truth of any answer that you give them, makes you a bit uglier than you already were!
“All that you have to do to regain your previous appearance and demeanor is tell Celestia the truth, as accurately as possible. Each true answer will restore a bit more of your appearance.”
He nearly strangled, to judge by the sound emerging from his ghastly visage. “You don’t understand! She was asking about business secrets that have nothing to do with the goats in Bleatin’ Hallow!”
Celestia nodded agreeably, “True. I stumbled onto an interlocking finance issue regarding supplies to Our Baltimare Naval Base. We are being overcharged in a most underhanded way.
“In my three thousand years of ruling this land, I have learned how to frame questions to get the truth out of almost any liar. In that regard, I did get the truth from you, Mister Lots. I see no reason to give you a second interview so that you can undo this.
“What has happened to you for lying will be a valuable lesson for your colleagues. You may go but you MUST return to the bank and resume your work. Honestly, this time.”
Coalsmoke looked up from her Clover/thistle top steak and observed, “What did I tell you, your Highnesses? Isn’t that the best silver bit that you ever spent?”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
Romaine was ignoring her sea grass puffs and Far Northern Dales fried oatmeal squares with dried fruit and chocolate drizzled over the ice cream topping to get this written down!
Her sides were heaving with giggles as she wrote! Peanut Brittle noticed her activity and quietly brought out a Magic Net extension mirror for her to call in her story!
She sensibly hoofed over her notes and record of the images that she had taken to Celestia. Celestia gave them a cursory glance that I knew to be deceptive. She is a page at a glance reader.
She nodded. “Go ahead, Romaine. Should be a great story! We will definitely want a copy for our archive.”
She was briefly busy with the magic net mirror before falling on her goodies! Between bites, she joyously told us, “SCOOP! None of the other papers has actually sorted out what is happening! All that they know is that the Canterlot Casualty and Life office is shut and the same for Equestrian National Bank. They are both guarded by units of the Royal Guards.
“Only the Prancer has what is going on and we have it from the Princesses and others central to the story! The Bleatin’ Hallow mess is going to blow up like a bomb around here!”
I looked up from my excellent specially large onion rings to inquire, “Why will it blow up?”
Romaine filled me in, “We at the Prancer have been following the development of Bleatin’ Hallow from when the goats saw how Duchess Red Hoof developed that 2000 acres of boggy commons that she bought. They asked her advice to start developing Bleatin’ Hallow Marsh and the Prancer has followed the story since then. Lots of good ponies here in Ponyville really admire what the goats have achieved. When those good ponies find out what Canterlot Casualty and Life and Equestrian National were doing, they will blow a gasket.”
Luna smiled sadly, “It may be a worse blow up than you think, Romaine. They were planning to consolidate all two hundred and thirty four farms belonging to the goats into only seven large estates.
“They intended take them out of local taxation entirely by creating a bogus town under the hoof of Count Rockbottom. They were already working on transferring the whole of Bleatin’ Hallow out of Princess Twilight’s principality and making it an annexation of County Rockbottom, where it would be made tax free by the Count. He was to get one of the estates for his part in the scheme.
“I have stopped that entirely and formally notified Princess Twilight of the scheme. From what I gathered on my Magic Net mirror call, she might be considered to be upset.”
There was a lavender flutter of wings as Princess Twilight alighted in the street and requested, “Sorry to interrupt, Your Highnesses, but may I please join you at table?”
Princess Luna gestured magnanimously as she invited, “If you have not yet tried them, get a plate of the Far Northern Dales batter fried oatmeal squares with dried fruits and nuts! They are topped with scoops of ice cream and drizzled with chocolate sauce! Purely delightful!”
Peanut was right there with a menu, suggesting, “Your Higness, may I say that the seagrass puffs are excellent today along with a dipping sauce? Sweet and sour goes very well with it. I did hear Princess Luna’s recommendation of our Far Northern Dales batter fried fruit and oatmeal squares and it is one of our finest dishes. For the ice cream topping we have vanilla, clotted cream or light mint. We make all the flavors here in house.”
Princess Twilight scanned the menu and agreed, “I will have the Sea Grass puffs with a tart dipping sauce and to follow, your Far Northern Dales squares topped by the mint flavored ice cream. To drink, I would like the Sweet Apple Acres apple honey cocktail.”
While she was waiting for her order and sipping the tasty drink, Twilight asked, “Actually, I am here for advice. That whole Bleatin’ Hallow scheme might have got past me and cost my Principality substantial tax revenue as well as dispossessing the goats whose industry made it such good land.”
Coalsmoke spoke up, “Princess Luna has scotched the scheme and I have bought up all of the foreclosed properties there. I am returning all of the land to the goats who were dispossessed. Where possible, I am having their homes, barns and byres all restored. The plotters have already torn down some of the goats’ houses and other structures. I have engaged work crews to assist the goats in restoring everything as well as I can.”
Princess Twilight nodded. “That is most welcome news. I am pleased that wealth such as yours has not hardened your heart. Do send me the bill for your costs. I will see that you do not lose by your good generosity.”
She paused to attack her Sea Grass puffs. “What I really want to know is what my limits will be in dealing with these miscreants. I mean, Your Highnesses will be trying them under the Royal Wing.”
Celestia smiled at Mol and pointed out, “There is your best source for information on how this has impacted your subjects. What Mol does not know about Ponyville has not happened yet.”
Luna smiled savagely, showing the fangs of her Nightmare incarnation, as she suggested, “We are still sorting out what all was done or being done. Celestia has uncovered a literally treasonous plot to sell substandard and overpriced provisions to our Baltimare naval yard. There may be some overlap of criminals between the Bleatin’ Hallow scheme and the naval yard scheme.”
Eyes twinkling, she added, “Those that do not get the Traitor’s Drop will receive sentences for their crimes against the State. After they have been sentenced by us, under the Royal Wing, you may have all of the survivors for trial under Principality law. I would personally begin with conspiracy to defraud your Principality of tax revenue. Add fraud in the improper delays in insurance payments. Further, land fraud in the acquisition of the farms of the goats, due to the interlocked insurance delay.”
I spoke up, “If I may, your Highness Twilight? Look into how many of the final settlements deprived the policy holders of a deserved double indemnity. They certainly tried it on me.
“I do have one further suggestion but it cannot be implemented until the audits are done. Move all of your accounts over to Ponyville Trust and Loan. Their investments are all here in the local economy and I know for a fact that they are honest. It may surprise some, but I use their services for all of my banking needs.”
Twilight nodded thoughtfully, necessitated by a mouthful of Caramel’s excellent Sea Grass Puffs with sauce. Swallowing without haste, she replied, “That is an excellent suggestion, Grumpy. I may well do that.”
Luna asked across the table, “Tia, do you know off hoof how much Equestrian National has in liquid assets? Grumpy was right. They have been underpaying on policies for many years. The money garnered was funneled to Hortimer’s old Celestian Church. I am still tracing where it has been going since then. The Canterlot Casualty and Life policy payments are underwritten by EQNB.
“Grumpy alone is due 5,597,403 gold, seven silver and three. They have two other substantial old payouts that my accountants are still sorting out. That is not counting the six hundred and thirty four more recent cases.”
Celestia scratched lightly at the corner of her jaw as she thought. “It will take four days by rail for Grumpy’s gold to get here. We will have to strip most of the liquid assets from all branches except Tailswitch and Corbiestep. Those two have to be kept with sufficient funds to assist the County in the event of a Prance incursion.”
Romaine looked over to me and, brow wrinkled, asked, “Grumpy, I know that you are pretty private about your finances. Would you prefer that I only say that you are due a substantial sum?”
I nodded. “I would appreciate that, Romaine. The money itself will go to my Ponyville Trust and Loan account. Since they only invest locally, that money will be put to good uses.”
Romaine gave me a skeptical look. “Did I hear that right, Grumpy? You want your money to do good for ponies? I thought that you detested most ponies.”
Nodding agreeably as I chomped down another big onion ring, I replied, “As a group, I do. That does not blind me to the good in certain specific ponies and others. The fact that I am buying your lunch should tell you that. Gathered around this table are ponies and others that you could not pay me enough to do any sort of harm to. There are others too. For instance, Reverend Smallflower at the Assembly of the Twins.”
Princess Twilight quietly told Romaine, “When we needed somepony to underwrite the construction of the new school buildings, Grumpy picked up the whole tab and refused any sort of recognition for it. He is one of Ponyville’s most active charitable givers.”
Chuckling, I added, “Whatever you do, don’t publish that! It would ruin my reputation for being an evil being. Not to mention, it would have ponies up to my cave looking for me to GIVE them money instead of looking to PAY me money!”
Romaine giggled at that and suggested, “Couldn’t have that! I will keep it secret unless I need to blackmail you for a story!”
Going serious, I asked the Twins, “About getting all that cash here to Ponyville, would it be easier and safer to use written Secure Gold Transfers from the various institutions to Ponyville Trust and Loan?”
Celestia nodded slowly. “It would be easier, Grumpy. With all that I am finding, I do not think that it would be safer. EQNB seems to be run by a pack of greased weasels with a taste for blood in the form of customer’s gold. I am vacillating between a total restructure of the bank and closing it down entirely, replacing it with a new institution.”
Hiding a smile, Romaine wrote swiftly. She offered her pages to Princess Luna, who reads every bit as fast as her sister. She read aloud for Celestia, who was nose deep in her second helping of Far Northern Dales fried oat meal with ice cream.
Luna snickered as she read, “It is headlined, ‘Tiny Pebble Triggers Avalanche!’ Under that is the subhead, 'Fraud in one life insurance policy leads to large Royal investigation!’
“During a social visit to her friend, Grumpeter Goat, Princess Luna became aware of an irregularity with the local branch of Canterlot Casualty and Life. Not only was a form offered for Grumpeter’s signature by Mister Stallheart, the local branch manager, in direct violation of Equestrian Business Law, CCL was attempting to refuse payment on an already late policy payout. The sum owed was quite substantial.
“This led to the discovery of other improprieties in policy payouts. That, in turn, led to a connected land fraud scheme being carried out by Equestrian National Bank.
“One of the ponies involved requested, as is the right of any citizen, a trial under the Royal Wing. This request required a Royal Audit of both institutions, as the crimes involved stem from cooperation between both Canterlot Casualty and Life and Equestrian National Bank.”
Celestia looked up from her treat to say, “Delicately put, Romaine! That, with your photo piece about lying to a Royal Audit should lay the ground work for your future reports. As of now, you are Our Official Royal reporter on this case. We will release further information to you first.”
“Thank you, your Highnesses. I shall try to be worthy of the honor.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
There was sadly, too short a time for such excellent company. We had to part our ways.
Coalsmoke and I walked up toward Reverend Smallflower’s Assembly of the Twins. As our hooves made their quiet clopping on the cobbles of the street, Coalsmoke pointed out, “With what Celestia said there, you are going to be receiving around five and a half million golden bits in several smaller shipments. Have you thought of how you are going to get it all from the railhead to the Trust and Loan?”
I nodded. “Indeed I have, Coalsmoke. I will use one of your companies, Hackamore Hauling. I believe that you do have an armored wagon for such work.”
She chuckled, “Four of them, actually. There are lots of businesses in Ponyville that need substantial sums transferred, mine among them. I will make sure that one is available for your use.”
I bobbed my glamored head as I asked, “Appreciate that, my friend. Why are you going to the Assembly?”
Coalsmoke replied serenely, “Whether he was involved in the Bleatin’ Hallow mess or not, Noxon was a model husband. I want Reverend Smallflower to officiate his funeral. Besides, that gives me a perfect reason to give the Assembly another donation.”
I gave her a sideways grin. “I am here to give him a donation too.”
I held the door for her and followed her into the serene feeling that I always got when coming into the Assembly. The sign over the door over the door said ALL ARE WELCOME and it means it. I happen to know that a genuine demon from Tartaros occasionally drops by. Name of Clafacus.
Coalsmoke and I walked quietly to Reverend Smallflower’s office and tapped on the door. When the spare white pegasus opened the door, he saw Coalsmoke’s mourning attire and immediately offered, “Coalsmoke, my dear, I am so sorry. The times that your late husband Noxon was here, he seemed to be both healthy and a model husband. What happened to him?”
He opened the door and escorted us into his office, which was as plain and simple as its occupant. At least until you get to know him. He is plain in appearance but one of those rare ponies who is simply full of actual goodness. In spite of that, he is nopony’s fool and has a deep understanding of bad and evil beings combined with compassion and genuine caring for them. Remember Claficus? Right. A demon.
Coalsmoke sat and waited for us to sit. She began, “My Noxon was a fine husband and in most ways a good and blameless pony. Sadly, he was deeply tied up in the Bleatin’ Hallow mess. When he found out that the Princesses were auditing that problem and others, he wrote a note carefully explaining his entire involvement. Then he jumped from a high window and fell to his death.”
Reverend Smallflower laid a compassionate hoof on Coalsmoke’s shoulder. He asked with gentleness, “I see. What is it that you wish me to do?”
Coalsmoke shook just a little and requested, “I want you to officiate his funeral and celebrate the goodness that he showed to me and to most of the world. I know that I can trust you to do it well. Whatever you need for it, I will provide.
“On a happier note, do your books. Allow for feeding and housing the needy as well as taking care of the Assembly building and grounds. Whatever you need, I will double match.”
The Reverend sat back and smiled serenely. He had hot water already on. He poured it into a pot. Allowing it to steep, he poured out three generous strained portions of tea.
Smiling with genuine warmth, he accepted, “That is most generous of you, my dear. The Assembly will certainly find good uses for such a donation.”
He leaned back, giving the tea a long sniff before asking, “What can I do for you, Grumpeter?”
I smiled for him, using a glamor of my bare skull with fangs, glowing snake-like eyes, full curl horns and the everburning candle set between the horns. Bare bone like that should not be able to smile. It can, if it is a well managed glamor spell, and mine are the best.
The Reverend chuckled. He has seen me like this before. I told him, “There are two vacant lots on Blackberry Lane that abut the back of the Assembly. I bought them both. They are the Assembly’s given in fee simple. You pay NOTHING for the transfers.
“I noticed that the foal play yard is too crowded. Some of the land should go to fixing that. For the rest, I have arranged for Houser, the architect, to come here next week. I am paying him. Decide between the two of you, how to best use the land. Whatever you decide to build is wholly on my dime.
“I know that whatever use you make of it will be good.
“There is one more little thing. I am giving the Assembly an endowment of one million gold bits. You cannot touch the principal but will receive a monthly disbursement of the interest. That will be handled through Ponyville Trust and Loan.”
Looking slightly shell shocked, the Reverend asked, “I accept, of course. But why?”
I pointed out, “When a fortune gets too large, it is but a hoard, serving no purpose but the holder’s ego. I may have a lot of ego but I don’t have that much. My present worth is close to seven million. What I am giving you, is drawn from that.
“In four more days, about, I will be receiving an armored rail car with a payment on my life insurance. Canterlot Casualty and Life is fifteen years behind on making the payment. With late penalties and interest it comes to 5,597,403 gold, seven silver and three. It too will go into Ponyville Trust and Loan, where it will be invested in and for the good of the local community.”
Revered Smallflower sipped his tea and nodded thoughtfully for a few moments. “Grumpeter, I know that you wish this donation to remain anonymous, and I shall honor that. However, I would very much like to base a sermon on your notion that excess wealth becomes a mere hoard. That the surplus of such wealth is best used to the benefit of others.”
I smiled again, all polished bone and fangs, as I replied, “Thank you, Reverend. You certainly may do so.”
After a few more minutes of quiet conversation, Coalsmoke and I parted company. With funeral arrangements to make, insurances, trust funds and wills to deal with, I knew that she would not be up to my cave for our usual Daring Do readings for at least a few days.
When I did get up the trail to my cave I was greeted at the ledge out front by none other than ol’ zombie face Lots. He did not appear to be happy with his lot! (bad joke there)
He started right in, “Since you sold the spell that did this to me, you have to undo it! I have brought your standard 100 in gold for it!”
I looked at him with glamored eyes that really did glow a sinister yellow and snorted, “No. I absolutely refuse. You got that appearance by LYING to your Royal Princess Celestia in a matter that she was directly investigating. I have told you already, as free service, how to remedy the look of your face.
“Since Her Royal Highness will not interview you a second time, write the WHOLE truth of the answer to her every question in that interview. Hide nothing and do not try to slant any part of any answer. Submit it to her as part of her audit paperwork. If she accepts it and it passes as COMPLETELY true, your visage will return to normal.”
“Drat you, Goat! You know that I can’t do that!”
I smiled, with fangs, as I pointed out, “What? You can’t tell her that you were part of one or more criminal conspiracies? Ones that she already knows you are a part of?”
“You don’t understand! Do you know where all that money is coming from to pay you on that life insurance?”
“Other than that it is coming from the various branches of EQNB, no. I really don’t know or care.”
“You are stealing it from me and the other hard working executives of the Bank! Besides stripping us, I mean the Bank branches, of the cash reserves, your precious Princess has taken away our carriage services! My expense account! My railpass! Even my gardening service! Who is going to take care of my estate now?”
I stuck the tongue that I don’t really have into the cheek that I also don’t really have and looked him up and down, with eyes crossed! “Oh, I really don’t know, Mister Cheet M. Lots. Perhaps YOU?
“I mean living within your means on the money that you get in salary is likely to be a new skill for you. Maybe you can begin now, by simply keeping that gold, instead of trying to spend it on me. After all, I will NOT do any sort of business with you. I already told you that.”
In two days time, I was down at the Ponyville Rail Yard’s freight platform. I was impressed by Coalsmoke’s arrangements. The armored carriage was literally all iron or steel. She had an armed guard inside and four more outside. The ponies in the traces for this run were in solid plate and chain armor.
Besides her arrangements, Princess Twilight had sent a full platoon of her Royal Guard. I was sort of surprised because one of them was an elderly looking donkey.
Right on time, the special train pulled in, with the scream of a whistle and steam blasting out from each side’s big double acting cylinders and the clanging of its bell. I did a double take. That was one of the Equestrian Defense Bureau’s big armored 2, 4, 4’s with an equally armored fuel car. Somepony was taking the security of my gold seriously.
As the armored rail car that it was pulling came up to the platform, a smiling pony in a Royal Rail uniform dismounted from the engine cab. He proffered a clipboard with forms.
“Just sign the receipt copies on the lines, Mister Goat, and we can begin transferring your gold.”
The old donkey’s hoof snagged the clipboard as he ordered, “R.I.S.! Arrest this pony!”
Five of Princess Twilight’s Royal Guard had him in irons almost faster than it takes to tell it! Their leader approached the donkey and said politely. “Sir, while we have carried out your order, I must verify your identity.”
The donkey nodded. “Perfectly proper, Major. It was hot on the Anvil.”
Looking nervous, the Guard Major responded, “Did you die?”
The donkey replied, “I think that I would have noticed.”
He then held out a hoof. The Guard Major put his hoof on top of the donkey’s. For a second it pressed firmly and suddenly fell right through the donkey’s solid seeming hoof!
Recovering his balance, the Guard Major called, “Identity of the Royal Intelligence Service Agent verified! Whatever he orders, do it!”
While the Guard were hustling off the pony and his clipboard, I had to ask, “Not a Royal Railroad employee?”
The old donkey nodded and snickered, “Not even. Try Canterlot Casualty and Life. They were trying to get you to sign a receipt for this shipment as full payment on your insurance claim. This is only about a third of what is due to you. The pony inside the car has the proper receipt.”
The rest of the transfer was routine, if heavily guarded.
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
Even though they knew that it was coming, the good ponies at Ponyville Trust and Loan were sort of in shock. In spite of that, they handled the count up and stowing of my money in their vault very professionally.
It was another two days of routine buisness, the sort that continues to make me a cynic. It was ponies seeking advantages, injury, illness and general bad fortune for other ponies. All prepaid by ponies seeking ill for other ponies.
I trotted down the path from my cave to Ponyville early on the appointed day for my next shipment of coin. In Ponyville, I paused to buy the latest edition of the Prancer.
The headline was a jolt! It screamed in huge type, “SPECIAL TRAIN BRINGING PONYVILLE GOLD!” Under that in only slightly smaller type was “OVER 1,000,000 IN GOLD DESTINED FOR EQUESTRIAN NATIONAL BANK!” Below that was “TRAIN ARRIVES 2:35!” The story under it might as well have been pure fiction. It claimed that the money was coming to EQNB at Celestia’s direct order after spending a week determining that the Ponyville branch was worthy to be the new EQNB Headquarters Branch.
The byline was H. Jackin.
It was still early, so I headed for Caramel Treat’s place. I found Romaine sitting there already.
She waived cheerfully, “Hi, Grumpy! I figured that you would come here! What is that? Yesterday’s paper?”
“Nope, Romaine. Today’s. Someone put out a Special Edition!” I hoofed it over to her.
Before Peanut Brittle, Caramel’s waitress could get to our table, Romaine had the paper and was sprinting for the store’s Magic Net mirror! I overheard, “This is Romaine! Get me Truetype at once! We have an emergency!”
While she was desperately explaining all that was wrong with the special, a chubby blue-gray pony with an ugly brown mane and tail sauntered up. He saw where Romaine was and charged over, shoving her away from the mirror!
He crowed, “Yer too late! I done scooped ya!”
She snarled, “You idiot! You have violated both Royal and R.I.S. sealed information! We have to pull the whole edition because nearly all of it is dead wrong!”
He blinked and returned an angry, “Bull! I knows the train is gonna be a special at 2:35! I had to dig to get that about the amount of gold! Truetype was in a meetin’ with Celestia herself this morning so’s I had to get the Special out myself!
“Put the pieces together! Celestia been auditing the Bank for a solid week! She meetin’ with Truetype! Where else could that much gold be goin’, huh?”
It was at that moment that our merry little clown convention suddenly grew a true Ring Master. I recognized the elderly donkey from last shipment! He was accompanied by two husky unicorns and a black pegasus with a white mane and tail.
I inquired, “R.I.S.? The pony that blew this story is the blue-gray with brown mane and tail. Goes by the name of H. Jackin. Bet that the H is for Hi, as in Hi Jackin, which I heard him braging about to Romaine. Said that he scooped her and put out the edition without Truetype knowing about it.”
The donkey nodded, “Thank you, Grumpeter. You may have to give testimony under the Royal Wing.”
He pointed, “Bring the blue-gray in irons. Escort the green mare here politely. Thank you.”
The black pegasus grinned and held both forehooves about an inch apart. From between them, a sort of fuzzy blue white glare hit Jackin with what looked for all the world like that very rare thing called ball lightning! It faded with a soft BAM! He was reduced to a twitching pile of shuddering pony!
The pegasus queitly pleaded, “Once we have him away from Caramel’s can I kill him? Pretty please? I will buy you one of their Far Northern Dales batter fried oatmeal treats with your pick of ice cream on it!”
He looked up sadly as he refused, “Tempting indeed, but no. Both Princesses are clear that they want him alive for trial. Go and escort the train. If there is an ambush, feel free to play your way.”
While she was flying off, her face in a huge and sharp fanged grin, one of the unicorns put Jackin into manacles and floated him out to the old donkey.
The other one spoke politely to Romaine, “Ma'am, you are not presently in any trouble but you must come with me. This is an order of the Royal Intelligence Service. We appreciate that you were trying to fix this little disaster.” Romaine came out quietly, following the nondescript sort of orange unicorn.
She was led to our table where she waited quietly, but making notes. The R.I.S. agent was on a Magic Net call using a portable mirror of his own. Shortly the old donkey looked up and addressed the still twitching Jackin. “Hiram Jackin, at the present moment you are being held by the Royal Intelligence Service for their Highnesses, Celestia and Luna.
“You will be tried under the Royal Wing. At present, the charges include inciting a riot, spreading false information regarding shipments of gold, subverting the property of the Ponyville Prancer to publish and distribute a false edition without the knowledge or consent of Truetype, the owner and senior editor.
“At present the number and severity of the riot casualties is unknown, except that there are some. When they are known, those will be added to the charges laid against you. There may be other charges as well. If there are, you will be formally notified.”
The Ponyville Police arrived, pulling a tumbrel. They had Jackin loaded and hauled away in short order.
Romaine made more careful notes and took pictures of Jackin being loaded and carted off. As she so often did, she submitted her notes and a listing of her images to the old donkey, as the one with authority over the events of her story.
After looking it over, he nodded and suggested, “The train was ambushed at Colter’s Crossing. Two of the crew were injured, neither one seriously. All five of the attackers were killed outright. One had the unauthorized Prancer edition on him. The riot at the station is sufficiently under control that you could profitably spend time getting that for your report.”
Adding quietly to her notes, Romaine left.
I suggested, “Sir, if you do not need me, I should probably go down to the station and meet the train. They can’t really unload it until I sign for it.”
He smiled a tight bit of a smile and agreed, “True enough. Go and see to your gold.”
I was turning to go when Fangrin emerged from Caramel Treat’s Sweets. Smiling around his mouthful of huge fangs, he offered, “Let me accompany you, Grumpy. I suspect that being in the presence of one of the biggest Everfree Ridgeback Wolves in Equestria may give any would be robbers serious pause.”
Being quite sure that Fangrin was right, I agreed instantly! “Please come with me, my friend! Our trip should be interesting at least.”
It was interesting in the sense of that ancient curse, “May you live in interesting times.” I had hoped to never see the aftermath of mob violence again. Some shops near to the station had been broken into and looted. At least one had been burned.
A vanilla white mare with a chocolate colored mane and tail sat in the ruin weeping her heart out.
I stepped behind Fangrin and altered my glamor. A distinguished looking but small pony in proper business attire stepped around him. I whispered to Fangrin, “I am Mister Wholeheart. You are bodyguarding for me. I am going to offer her help.”
He nodded, “I think that you are right, Mister Wholeheart. It looks like she might need some help.” With a tongue lolling werewolf grin, he watched the efforts that I would go to to do good without it being known.
I stepped gingerly through the rubble to the mare. “Your pardon, Mam. Are you the owner of this business?”
“Was. Ain’t much left now.” Her eyes shut in pain at the sight of charred ruin around her, she added, “Won’t even be able to make the payment on the land, now. They’ll foreclose my contract. Ten years of saving. All I had. Some idiot threw a torch and I’ve lost everything. I stayed in the back. I haven’t even got a place to stay.”
I offered, “I am Mister Wholeheart. If you will allow it, I will help you. I too have been the victim of senseless violence. First, take this card to Mister Greenbriar at Ponyville Trust and Loan. Tell him everything about your loss. He will see to getting your land and transferring it to you in fee simple. That means it won’t cost anything to you. He will also give you a living allowance and a sum to replace clothes and furnishings.
“Go to Reverend Smallflower at the Assembly of the Twins. He will help you to find a place to stay while your shop is being fully rebuilt. As long as it stays on this lot, Houser, the architect and builder, will put up whatever you want for your new shop. You may get whatever equipment and supplies you need or want as part of that.
“Before you ask, I do have a price for all of this help. Have you seen the sign at Caramel Treat’s Sweets?”
She was looking at me very puzzled but with some real hope. “Yes, I’ve seen it. Most every pony around has.”
“Good. My price is this. Run your business the same way that the sign says. Any customer gets treated the same, regardless of race, species, belief or any other thing. That is the price of my help.”
Hooves shaking, she reached out her lips and took the card, putting it with care into her shoulder pouch. Finally letting a smile show, she said, “Thanks, Mr. Wholeheart. I am Windy Cream, of Windy’s Ice Creamery. Can’t mope about here no more. Got a pony to see at the Trust and Loan.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
We went our way as soon as I changed back to my usual handsome goat self. The armored wagon was waiting at the railroad station. The station itself showed signs of the recent riot. There were broken windows and dents in the woodwork where stones had been thrown. A torch had been tossed onto the roof but had rolled off and guttered out on the stones of the pave.
We went around to the station platform. There had been some rioting here too. We were none too early. We could hear the engine cylinders puff-hissing as the engine was braking from her top speed. As she pulled up to the platform, her big double cylinders releasing a near continuous blast of steam as she braked, her slowing drive wheels making a metallic scream against the iron rails, the engineer brought the machine to a stop exactly at the platform. Medics in Ponyville Principality Marines battle dress came from the station and waited by the armored freight car.
When a sentry on top of the car cleared it, the sliding door of the armored car opened with a bit of a squeal of metal.
The medics went in and shortly returned carrying two on stretchers. In response to Romaine’s penetrating questions, they replied, “No, their injuries do not appear to be serious. This is just a precaution until we can get them properly checked out. They were injured during the attempt at an ambush.”
After the casualties were taken care of, the car clerk emerged with my shipment acknowledgment. It stated the amount loaded aboard the train, that this was a transfer, and shipment would only be complete after a matching count done at Ponyville Trust and Loan. Being careful that I was signing nothing else, I put my signature to the document.
The unloading was well underway when a small crowd began to gather. A half dozen armed and armored Twilight’s Royal Guard stepped out of the Station. Crossbows were readied while the crowd watched. Several of them quietly put aside cudgels and other such improvised weapons.
When the loading of the armored wagon was complete, the Guard followed it to Ponyville Trust and Loan. We all arrived just in time to see Windy emerge, a smile on her face, and trot off in the direction of the Assembly of the Twins.
Mister Greenbriar came out to watch the unloading with me. He gave a sideways smile as he whispered, “We followed your instructions, Mister Wholeheart . The paperwork for acquisition of Windy’s land will be done in only two more days. We have already contacted Houser about rebuilding her place of business.”
I replied, “Good. I will be so glad when the last of this windfall is safe in your vault. You already have my permission to use up to 60% of the total for business and personal loans. I do know that you will use it wisely.”
With a sideways grin, I added, “Oddly enough, you already have in your vaults more gold than those crooks in Equestrian National have in theirs! They got caught being part of defrauding policy holders at Canterlot Casualty and Life. Now they get to pay on the policies that they tried to withhold or reduce payment on. Mine isn’t the only big one, either. Just the biggest and first to be paid.”
Mister Greenbriar gave a considering glance at the bulk of the Equestrian National Building, several blocks over and a block or two up. “From what I have been hearing, there is a good chance that they my be forced into bankruptcy. Do you know anything about that?”
“Not really. I know that Celestia is auditing them and has found a direct connection between CC&L’s bad policy payouts and EQNB. There is something about a land grab in Bleatin’ Hallow that I know that they were involved in and I heard Celestia say that she had uncovered a literally treasonous plot to defraud the Kingdom by the sale of substandard supplies to the Baltimare Naval Yard.
“About bankruptcy, I don’t know. A major shake up for sure, perhaps even a full restructure of the bank. I personally think that last is the most likely. The EQNB is too valuable to the kingdom as whole for many large and widespread operations to allow it to be entirely destroyed, for instance, the Royal payrolls and benefices for the Royal Roads, the Equestrian Defense Bureau, and civil retirement benefices paid all over Equestria.
“Now CC&L is a whole different kettle of spoiled fish. If they just set up a trust to honor all of the current policies, they could wipe that nest of vermin off the face of Equestria!”
My money seen to, I trotted on up to Caramel Treat’s for the snack that I did not get earlier! I was surprised to be greeted warmly by a pony that was not Peanut Brittle but one whom I recognized.
Windy bobbed her head politely to me and asked politely, “Good day, sir! Welcome to Caramel Treat’s Sweets! What can we get you?” I could see Peanut watching, with a smile on her face.
I nodded politely back to her and pointed, “I am a regular here. If it has not already been taken, I usually sit there.” As she seated me, I added, “I would like to start with a big Trottingham Clotted Cream milkshake. For my meal, the clover top burger with the house special big onion rings and sweet/sour dipping sauce.” I paused, pretending to read her name tag and added, “Thank you, Windy.”
I watched Peanut showing Windy the ropes about tray setup. Shortly, Windy returned with my big milkshake. As she set out my shake, she informed me, “Your burger and onion rings are cooking now and will be ready soon.”
I nodded, “Thank you, Windy. You are doing a first class job.”
Shortly Romaine wandered up. She smiled and took a seat at my table. She was bubbling over! “Grumpy! I got the best pony-interest story out of the riot at the station! It still needs some work but it is a really good one.”
Windy interrupted to give Romaine a menu and take her drink order. She too read the name tag and replied, “Thank you, Windy. I will have the pineapple and pomegranate cocktail and asparagus salad and for an entree I will have the clover top steak with snowstar sauce and vegetable medley in butter sauce.”
Turning back to me, she went on, “Somepony in the mob threw a torch into a recently opened ice cream parlor and burned it to the ground. According to witnesses, a small business suited pony met her there in her burned out business. They talked briefly and she set out for downtown.
“I checked with Mol at the Hall of Records and found out that the business was called Windy’s Ice Cream and that the land was in the middle of a title change from Snobbin Realty to Ponyville Trust and Loan. I cross checked with business insurance and found that CC&L had insured it. The claim was already processed and there was a notice of a double indemnity payment being processed. It was approved over Princess Luna’s seal!
“Since the land was going to PT&L, I dropped by there and talked to Mister Greenbriar. The land is being given to the mare and the architect Houser has been engaged to rebuild the place for her.
“That is all being done as a free gift to the mare Windy …”
She paused and looked at our waitress again!
Windy was bringing out our orders on a big serving tray.
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
Practically as one, they yelled, “You made those vile truth spells that did this to us! You have to undo it!”
I just couldn’t resist pricking those ambulatory bags of hot air a bit more. “Oh, you have been lying to your Princesses and want me to undo your lies for you. Happy to make calls for you. All that you have to do is tell me what you want me to tell them.”
Beautiful. It sounded like a pile of ponies strangling on their own tongues!
“We can’t do that! There are banking secrets involved!”
“Ah! I know what that means. It means activity that ranges from unethical, to merely criminal, right on to outright Treason.”
One of those on the outside of the door snapped, “Look, we have brought you good gold to restore our appearance to what it was before our interviews with the Princesses. Can you do that?”
“Why didn’t you just say so at the start? Answer is yes, I can. There are a few stipulations. ONE: I will do NOTHING that may bring any of the Princesses harm or grief. TWO: It won’t be instant. I know that you were seen coming up here. If you go down all fixed up, I could lose my license to practice Non Equine magic. THREE: It will not be cheap. β1000gold each. To sum it up, all that you are buying is your appearance.”
After some consultation they sourly agreed. “How can we pay you? The door is still secure.”
I agreed, “It is. If we are in agreement on the basics, I will let you in to negotiate specific terms. Basically, I have to deliver on the contract or pay a refund plus 10%. I would have to abandon everything that I have in Ponyville to avoid that.”
“We will be civil, Mister Goat.”
Undogging the door, I invited, “Come in, Gentleponies. We have terms to discuss.”
I sat and took out forms and bunches of paper. “You all want the same thing. You want your appearance to return to what it was before your interviews with the Princesses. Correct?”
There was a mutter of agreement.
“Good. Lots less writing there. Now, about the term where this will happen. How about this? You go to your homes and sometime within 48 hours after you get home, your appearance will return to normal in such a way that no suspicion of impropriety will be connected to it. Fair enough?”
There was general agreement again. I wrote busily for a few minutes. I handed around the boiler plate first page. “Each of you will get one of these. You initial where indicated for each paragraph and the amount. Sign at the bottom. Page two is the results page mentioned on page one. Each of you gets a copy of that one, too. Sign it on the line so that I have no room to insert anything else. I need them all back to copy by contagion magic.“
They were all busy for a little bit, handing me back their signed and initialed sheets. I made my perfect copies by contagion magic. It saves so much writing! Each contract was put into an envelope. A copy for the customer, a copy for my files and a copy for the registry. I held them all back.
“Gold time, gentleponies. A thousand in gold from each of you before you get your contract and a receipt.”
Fifteen of them paid on the spot, with larger denomination gold coins, mostly. Made count up easier and faster.
The first of the remaining ones offered, “I only brought β500 in gold. Will you take a check?”
I laughed really hard before replying between chortles, “Not on your life, which you would lose if you tried that! Secure Gold Transfers only. And those will be truth tested.”
He actually nodded, “Under the circumstance, fair enough.”
I made out my part of a Secure Gold Transfer and, glancing at the line, put it on a stack of paper and made copies! That really speeded up the payment line.
As the last of my unpleasant visitors left, Clarence popped out of the back! “Grumpy! Are you really going to let them get out of the consequences of lying to the Princesses?”
“No, my friend. I am not. Think. The Princesses’ Truth Testing spell is directly connected to these contracts.”
Bone forehead should not wrinkle as he thought but it did anyway! “Let’s see … their appearance will return if they tell the Princesses the whole truth connected to the questions asked. They will get it back when the Justice of the Twins and the justice of Princess Twilight are done with them or should they … “
His forehead became smooth, polished bone again as he exclaimed happily, “I am going to be a busy pony, aren’t I?”
As I packed all of my papers for the Registry and the bank into my saddlebags, I nodded, “Yes, my friend, you are.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
Saying, “Adieu, my friend, I still have time to make the Registry and the Trust and Loan with these papers,” I set out down the trail to Ponyville to add a bit more to my reputation as “that evil goat that lives up on the mountain.”
It remains a delightful trip through town, lots of shade trees and a lovely clatter of hooves on the cobbled streets. I came to the square before the town hall without incident.
I spread out my nice new β1000gold contracts on Mol’s shiny counter. I had two that I put to one side. I chirped, “Work for you, my lovely young mare!”
As she started to assess them, I saw the disappointment settle on her face.
I decided that was not acceptable so I told her, “No, Mol my sweet, I am not in any way working against what the Princesses’ Truth Testing Spell has done. These two over here each have a copy of the boiler plate with amount and the result page. Attached to each one is a list of the names and signatures for their purchase of my contract. One of these is for Luna and the other is for Celestia.”
As she assessed the whole Gold bit fee, she glanced at me sideways and replied, “You are not? This sure looks like it, my handsome young goat. For giving me a near heart attack, you owe me dinner. Besides, I want to see you weasel off when their Highnesses land on you!”
“Done, My Sweet! Close up and come with me. I have a side trip to the Trust and Loan.”
Mol called in a town courier and gave her the copies for Celestia and Luna with the admonition, “These are for their Highnesses eyes only, Strawberry! Tell the guards that it is from the registry and will affect the audit. Do not let the guards deliver it.”
As Strawberry cantered off on her errand, Mol locked up. We went to the Trust and Loan.
As we strolled up, Mister Greenbriar met us at the door! “Grumpy! Just the goat that I was hoping to see. Mol, what a surprise. Do you have business for us?”
Mol smiled back, “Nope. My business is dinner with this dead goat, here.”
Greenbriar called, “Swerten! Tea and sweet biscuits for Mol, here. Come, Grumpy. Our business requires my office.”
We retired to Mister Greenbriar’s somewhat spartan office.
He laid out some files on his desk and picked up the first of them. “These all relate to the recent riot. This one is an awkward one. Mister Grade had a good business after a rocky start up. Rent is nearly due. The landlord’s manager is Sir Snobbin Realty. He is about to be evicted because Mister Grade was robbed of his whole week’s sales at knife point during the riot.”
“I see. What does Grade need to really make a go of it?”
“Besides replacing the lost money, about four thousand bits for expanding their stock line.”
“OK, this one will have three parts. A Wholeheart grant paid to Sir Snobbin, to pay the full balance on the lease. Negotiate a fresh lease and pay it in full too. A Wholeheart grant to Mister Grade to replace his stock and add the four thousand that he needs. Last, a Wholeheart grant ongoing of a hundred bits a month to the retired couple who own the land.”
Mister Greenbriar nodded happily as he made notes. “I had not thought of helping out the old couple. That is well done.”
“Thank you, Mister Greenbriar. Are the others pretty much the same? Windows and looting? Lost business and living expenses?”
“They are.”
“Good. Show me where to sign and let’s get this done.”
I was briefly busy with Wholeheart signatures.
“Now, about the business that brought me here. Please deposit these Secure Gold Transfers. I got β5000 Gold today.”
As he took the papers, he remarked jovially, “If you keep on like this, we may need to build a new vault!”
I paused and replied, “Speaking as Chairman of the Board and 51% stock holder, that is a remarkably good idea! Go ahead and get plans drawn up. We should be able to have work started in a week or so!”
We could see through the door’s window that a pony had joined Mol in the waiting area. As he opened the door, Mister Greenbriar smiled, “That is good to hear, Grumpeter! We can certainly use the new vault!” Looking up, he added, “Mister Grade! I am glad that you made it! I have good news for you!”
As Mol and I strolled up the street, she asked incredulously, “A new vault!? Is that why you stopped here?”
I nodded amiably as we ambled up the street. “I have been creating a BIT of a problem for them. I still have another train coming with even more gold. Only seemed fair to help them with storage space.”
We got our seats in the outdoor dining area of Caramel’s and had just started to order from Windy while Peanut looked on in approval when the storm broke!
Celestia and Luna bore down on our table, trailing an excited Romaine! Celestia slapped down the almost incriminating document and gave me a sideways glare. “You told Mister Lots that you would not undo the glamor that our truth testing spell did to him! Yet, here he is, fourth signature down, going to have his visage return to its pre interview state! The others were all massively disfigured by the truth testing spell as well but they are all going to return to their pre interview looks? How are you not interfering with the spell and our investigation?”
I looked up innocently and asked, “Were you done with that lot? When you terminate Canterlot Casualty and Life and restructure Equestrian National Bank, would those lying executives try interfering for their own profit?”
Celestia grudgingly nodded, “Both of those points are true. Now how are you doing it and not breaking our truth testing spell?”
I shrugged, “I am using your truth testing spell itself. What are the conditions under which it will dispel the glamor?”
Luna was thoughtfully tapping on the table as she recalled, “When they make the full truth of the answers to our questions known to us. When our Royal Kingdom and Principality law is done with them. Or should they die from any cause, the glamor will dissipate.”
As she said it, Celestia got it too! “Sometime within forty eight hours after they return home! Why didn’t they know that they were spending so much gold to die conveniently far from us and the audits?”
I gave another sideways shrug as I pointed out, “It was right there in a PUBLICLY REGISTERED contract, free to read just for the asking. Is it my fault if they didn’t bother to read? I mean, all that I did was not mention that their contract was directly connected to yours. I didn’t like any of them in any case.”
Luna, brightened much by the news, demanded, “Cancel Grumpy’s order, Windy! He is getting whatever he wants to drink but he is getting the Thistle Bloom and clover top steak with snow star sauce and sea grass puffs on the side. For desert, he is getting the Far Northern Dales fried oatmeal treat with his choice of ice cream to top it.
“Such noble service to his sovereigns is deserving of a great reward!”
Mol instantly chipped in, “That sounds great! Make it two! Grumpy is paying for mine!”
Off to one side, Celestia was gently telling Romaine, “Right, dear, it is a great story but you can’t publish it until three days from now. If you examine the document, you will see why. Now sit with us and get yourself some dinner.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
Romaine took only moments to find what Celestia was speaking of. Quietly whistling a tune learned from Daring Do, specifically the Funeral March for Kings used in the ancient Nil Eya civilization, she sat and placed her order along with the Royal ones.
The slightly awe struck Windy took them all, verified them, and trotted off to the serving kitchen’s order carosel. She returned shortly with drinks and my milkshake. Fancy dinner or not, I will have my Trottingham Clotted Cream milkshake!
The dinner and the company were both excellent! Princess Luna regaled us with tales of she and her sister’s time spent among the Rom, selling sweet treats! It is totally amazing how many lesser (and some not so lesser) nobility can be so stupid when they are facing what they think are wandering lowest of low class peasants!
Any who pay attention to news about the Princesses can’t help but learn that they have designated the band of Marchhare as their Royal Family. Old Marchhare (around 850 years old) is the Royal Duke of Rom and is number three in the Order of Precedence, just behind Princess Luna. Due to the Rom’s rule about never going closer to Canterlot than the shadow of its walls, they don’t often get to march in the Royal Procession.
Reluctantly, I took my leave and strolled up the trail to my cave for the night. It was nice and cool, stars beginning to show, as I got up to my ledge.
Clarence and I sat out on my ledge to watch the stars come out. Leaning casually against his beautifully polished bare ribs, I asked, “I miss reading to you and Coalsmoke. How soon until she can rejoin us?”
He replied thoughtfully, “Tomorrow is Noxon’s funeral. After that, she will be tied up for the rest of the day on financial matters. The day after that should be favorable for our amusement.”
I nodded, wondering just a bit at his turn of phrase. “I have some financial business the day after tomorrow, about noonish. My next gold shipment is arriving.”
“I am aware of that, Grumpy. Besides Coalsmoke, invite Romaine and their Highnesses. They will be accompanied by a good dozen of their Guard.”
“My friend, Coalsmoke and Romaine are no problem. Their Highnesses are a completely different issue. They are still conducting the last of their audits. What could possibly get them to come?”
I could see the bare bone of Clarence’s face grinning as he replied, “Tell Celestia that you will have butterscotch topped twists and have perfected butterscotch ice cream. Celestia WILL come and Luna will want to see her sister go face first into a bowl of cold ice cream! They will be here.”
Chuckling at the memory of a Ponyville Fair where I had overheard some Rom saying that getting between Tia (her Rom name), and her butterscotch twists was listed as suicide by trampling, I agreed, “I see. You are devious, my friend!”
“Indeed I am. Now, Grumpy, let us go in. Since you have introduced me to food, I have grown to share your enjoyment of flavors and textures. That has led me to study the making of such treats as butterscotch ice cream. It is my turn to teach you about food.”
That, by itself, was a novel way to spend an evening. A very tasty one, too. Our experiments were not limited to just butterscotch, as lovely a flavor as it is. We explored caramel, mint, apple, strawberry, cherry, peach, coffee and imported chocolate. The night was so productive that I forgot to sleep at all!
Technically, being dead, I have no real need to sleep. It is a comforting habit that helps me to feel a bit more alive. Connected to the living, at least.
Our delightful session was interrupted by self important knocking at my solid iron front door. It was one of those living ones that reinforce my dislike of most ponies.
He started right in by snapping, “Why weren’t you open for my business?”
I retorted, “I was unaware that you had an appointment! I did answer my door at your first knock. I can still shut it in your face if all that you came up here for is to criticize me and how I do business.”
“I wants a murdering whorse cut out of a will! I brought you a hundred gold bits for it!”
“Now we have something to discuss. Come in and let us discuss terms. Based on what you just said, I believe that you are Nox Eous, first cousin and sole heir, other than Coalsmoke, of Noxon’s fortune. Am I correct?”
“How did you know that?”
“Coalsmoke is my friend and I knew and liked Noxon. They talked about how unhappy you made them by refusing to have anything to do with them.”
“If you want to cut Coalsmoke out of his will, it will be very difficult if it is possible at all. The will is a physical object that is already made. Noxon is not alive to influence into changing it. That means that I have to alter both the will in Mortimer Mollycoddle’s custody and the Registry copy, I have to alter Mortimer’s memory and Coalsmoke’s too.
“Because Coalsmoke is a friend and the Working is going to be VERY difficult, I will have to charge you β50,000 in gold. Now, I know that you don’t have that on you. I will accept a Secure Gold Transfer if the statement of source accounts passes truth testing.”
“That’s an awful lot of gold.”
“True. You are asking for a lot. After we draw up the SGT, I will leave it in your possession while I check whether I can do it at all. It depends on some things that are not totally in my control. If I can do it, we will make the contract and you can pay me with the SGT.”
I drew up my part of the Transfer and Nox did his part. For a wonder, it passed truth testing.
“Wait here, the things that I need to check might take up to a half hour.”
I popped into the back room and sealed the door. I picked up a Magic Net mirror and called Mortimer’s office. His secretary put me through to him. “Mort, I bailed your butt out on the Hortimer case, right?”
“That is true, Grumpeter, what favor are you looking for?”
“I expected you to sort that out, you are one sharp attorney. First, I have read Noxon’s will as registered. From personal conversation, I know that he intended for Coalsmoke to get the bulk of his estate and Nox Eous to be close to cut out.
“Nox Eous is here right now, wanting to cut Coalsmoke out of the will. I have a deal to produce the effect that Noxon intended, but it requires your cooperation. Nox is trying to pay me β50,000 in a Secure Gold Transfer that has passed truth testing to cut Coalsmoke out.
“If you will simply read the will in your possession, I will see to it that it reads to cut her out with a payment of β100 gold and an envelope which will be addressed to her in Noxon’s hoof.
“I will give you the envelope this morning at the funeral. It will contain Nox Eous’ SGT. Nox will wind up with about 5000 shares of EQNB and 7000 shares of CC&L, both of which are presently frozen and will tank massively when the Royal audits are done!
“Will you simply read the will? I promise that the Registry copy will match.”
Mort paused to think things through before replying reluctantly, “It will preserve Noxon’s intent, which he communicated to me on several occasions. If you give me the envelope and the will says what you say it will, I will do it. You must let Coalsmoke know what is in train.”
“Thanks Mortimer. I will buy you Caramel’s best for this and I will let Coalsmoke know.”
We broke that connection and I called Coalsmoke. It did not take long at all. She was chuckling as we broke the connection.
I came out to my front room, faking some real fatigue and a few scorch marks. I flopped into my chair and pulled the writing kit and papers to me. “I did manage to set it up. Here is the cover page. Initial all the boxes and sign at the bottom. While you are doing that, I will finish the results page for you to sign.”
I was writing busily for a few minutes. Nox Eous gloated as he signed it, “That foul whorse gonna get a heck of a surprise this afternoon!”
I took the Secure Gold Transfer and gave Nox his copy and a receipt. He charged out fast enough that I was afraid that he might fall off a steep part of the trail! The actual alteration of the will copies took me all of ten minutes. I folded the transfer into an envelope and added the necessary reference numbers to match the will’s notes.
I too left in a bit of a rush. I had to get to the Registry and then go to the Assembly of the Twins for the funeral.
Mol looked sadly at the contract. “I never expected you to do something like this to Coalsmoke, Grumpy. How could you?”
“Mol, my dear young mare, appearances are deceiving. The stock shares that he was going to give her have become worthless wallpaper. Nox Eous wanted them. See how much he paid for this? That is what she is getting, courtesy of this dead goat. I have to scoot to get this envelope delivered. Until next time my sweet mare.”
I pattered up the tree lined streets, hooves that I don’t really have making a bit of a clatter on the stones of the paving. I got to the Assembly about ten minutes early and passed Mortimer the envelope. He had the professional integrity to verify the contents and stow it in his briefcase.
“Thank you, Grumpeter. This will preserve Noxon’s intent. I did have a mirror call from him shortly before he took his life. In it he did ask me to take care of Coalsmoke.
“As a matter of curiosity, do you know what Nox Eous has left in his accounts after this is cashed?”
I grinned, “As it happens, yes, I do. He will have around a thousand total. He would have been far better off not to try having me mess with one of my best friends!”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
We were interrupted by the arrival of Coalsmoke in her finest mourning hat, veil and sashes. Smiling but sadly, she greeted us, “Grumpy! Mister Mollycoddle! I am so glad that you could make it to the funeral. Caramel and Fangrin are catering the dining after we return from the graveyard.”
Mortimer nodded, “Most appropriate. Noxon often dined at their establishment and thought highly of it. When would you like the reading of the will to happen?”
Nox Eous barged into the Assembly and snapped, “Sooner the better! We could just blow off this farce of a funeral and go do it right now!”
A soft voice just behind him, suggested, “While we do know your opinion of both the deceased and his widow, it is not shared by the rest of us. You could go now but do not come the dinner celebrating Noxon’s life.”
“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do …” he trailed off as he spun about and had to look up a wall of gray fur, tipped with black, past the lean fang filled jaws, to the eyes of Caramel Treat, in her form as the biggest Everfree Ridgeback Wolf in all of Equestria. Only a little smaller, Fangrin, her mate was by her side. Also in wolf form.
As he wilted under her gaze, Caramel added, “Fangrin and I are catering the celebration of Noxon’s life at our place of business. Anypony who speaks ill of either Noxon’s memory or of his widow, Coalsmoke, is not welcome there and will not be served.”
Coalsmoke broke into the discussion, “Mister Mollycoddle, you asked when I would like the reading of the will? We could take care of it after the funeral and before the buffet. We could use Caramel’s closed dining area.”
She gave Caramel a wink and a small nod. “That would be OK, wouldn’t it, Caramel?”
Caramel nodded slowly. “As long as he leaves directly after. That buffet is for Noxon’s friends and associates.”
We all turned from our concerns to see Reverend Smallflower come in and take his place behind the pulpit. His sermon was relatively short, graceful and filled with anecdotes from Noxon’s life in happier times. In the whole room, only one pony or other did not grieve for his loss. Nox Eous, who else?
We all filed past the casket, decorated by many floral arrangements. There was a portrait of a smiling Noxon and Coalsmoke beside him sharing a pleasant moment. Nox Eous surreptitiously produced a tube of paint to deface the portrait.
I quietly bloopered him first, hitting him with a harmless but utterly embarrassing spell called Friday the 13th! Like its namesake, it only lasts for a day if not dispelled earlier. A day where EVERYTHING that can go wrong for the victim will go wrong!
He bungled the tube of paint, dropping it and stepping on it. It folded a bit as it let go under the pressure of his hoof! He was looking down at it and got a face full of his own paint! Stepping back in alarm, he forgot that he and the casket were on a dais! He tumbled over backwards and trying to regain his feet, he became entangled in a folding seat!
I saw Reverend Smallflower looking directly at me and shaking his head, no.
I nodded and muttered, “Grace.” That dispelled the Friday the 13th and let Nox get to his feet after a few minor misadventures that were only due to his clumsiness. He stalked out, head low, ears flat, and tail down tight in embarrassment.
I handed the stompped tube of paint to Reverend Smallflower. He smiled as he took it. “Sometimes, Grumpeter, things get so solemn that a small spot of silliness is not a bad thing. It could not be allowed to go on under the circumstances but I did enjoy it while it lasted.”
The mourners formed a double row from the Assembly door to the hearse. Noxon’s casket was carried to the hearse on the backs of Caramel and Fangrin. Coalsmoke followed, every inch the properly mourning widow.
The procession wended its way to the Cemetery where we were greeted by open gates. At the graveside, Reverend Smallflower gave a brief eulogy and Noxon’s mortal remains were lowered to his appointment with eternity.
We mourners all made our way to Caramel’s. Coalsmoke and Mortimer went into her enclosed dining area for the reading of the will. Nox Eous joined us, still red of face from his paint. It was smeared about some and he was in a fouler mood.
“First, these here whorses, that Palomino and that white one, tell me I can’t come in for anything to eat or to use the washroom! Then a stupid policepony stop me from washing off my face in the fountain in the park! What am I supposed to do, huh?”
I suggested brightly, “You could go home and let us alone. Just after the reading of the will, of course. You being red in the face from trying to mess up a funeral is no problem to US!”
He was still growling under his breath as he was led to the indoor dining area where Coalsmoke and Mortimer awaited.
Coalsmoke patted a seat beside her and asked, “Would you please stay and be a witness, Grumpy?”
I promptly sat. Nox Eous curled a lip at me but stayed sensibly silent.
Mort opened his case and pulled out a substantial amount of paperwork. He spread out a file and took up the single sheet that it contained. “This is the last will and testament of Noxon.
“Being of sound mind, I Noxon, do bequeath and distribute my estate as follows:
“First, I give to my cousin Nox Eous, known hearafter as Nox, voting stock in Equestrian National Bank, amounting to 5,053 shares.
“Second, to Nox, I bequeath voting stock in Canterlot Casualty and Life, amounting to 7,105 shares.
“Third, to Nox, I give my estate of 125 acres with a mansion of 30 rooms near the city of Canterlot. To receive this property, he must sign the papers provided by Mortimer Mollycoddle, DEL.
“Fourth, to Nox, I render my estate of 85 acres with a 22 room mansion near the city of Ponyville. To receive this property, he must sign the papers provided by Mortimer Mollycoddle, DEL.
“Knowing that my lovely wife Coalsmoke is well off financially and has estates and mansion of her own, I give to her this envelope containing a proof of my love and caring and the sum of β100 gold.
“May she prosper well in the future.
“Noxon”
Nox Eous sneered, “Looks like he done cut you out total! What’s in that envelope?”
Coalsmoke returned coolly, “I will read it later, in private. He said that he loved me and I believe him.”
Mortimer interrupted, “Mister Nox Eous, you get nothing, until all the necessary papers are signed. These are for your stock portfolio.”
“What is this here assumption of liability thing?”
Coalsmoke told him, “They are voting stocks. They allow you to go to stockholder meetings and vote on Bank or CC&L business. Their dividends are tied to company profits or losses. To hold such stocks you have to sign that assumption. That’s all.”
Chortling, “Thousands of shares and estates too! I gonna be rich!” he was busy signing papers as we left. We emerged into a Funeral Feast well underway. Coalsmoke took her place at the head table with the traditional Empty Place to her right hoof. The plate at the Empty Place was piled high with all the good things being served from the buffet.
As Coalsmoke raised her cup in toast to Noxon, Nox Eous struck it from her and made a grab for Noxon’s Plate! Faster than most would believe possible, Caramel had changed from pony to wolf! Her jaws were fixed in Nox’s foreleg. Blood was seeping around her teeth.
Fangrin, also now a wolf told him, “The signs state clearly that the whole restaurant is closed until five pm, reserved for a private event. You were told directly that you were not welcome. If you do not stop your uncivil behavior, Caramel is allowed by law to bite your foreleg completely through.”
“You can’t do that! There is laws against assault!”
Constable Crager spoke up from one of the tables, “Afraid that you are wrong, Sir. As you are trespassing on a closed and private event, Caramel can use whatever force she deems needful to stop your vandalism and desecration of the funeral.”
He trotted up and put Nox Eous in manacles, saying, “Caramel, you may release him.
“Nox Eous, I am placing you under arrest on the charges of criminal trespass, vandalism and attempted vandalism, desecration of a funeral, assault and attempted theft.”
Windy approached Constable Crager with one of Caramel’s extension mirrors, so that he could call for a backup to take Nox Eous away.
While the prisoner was being transferred, Celestia and Luna trotted up, exulting, “We only have a few tiny details from the Bleatin’ Hallow mess to deal with and the audits are done! Both CC&L and EQNB are formally bankrupt!
“CC&L will be dissolved as soon as its assets can be called in. We are looking for some institution that will take over their policies for a reasonable price. There were a lot of voting shares, so no one share will be very hard hit. The holders will only owe about β15gold per share toward the bankruptcy!”
Celestia snorted happily, “All that I need to find are ten Bleatin’ Hallow land titles! We can’t really totally dissolve EQNB. It is too vital to the transfer of funds kingdom wide. It will undergo a bankruptcy and reorganization. All of its present assets will be recalled and sold off. The present voting shares will be recalled, charged β22 gold, 3 silver and two and canceled. New shares in the reorganized Bank will be offered after the market stabilizes.”
Nox was listening, utterly aghast as he sorted out how valuable his stocks had just become! It was almost a kindness when the officers led Nox Eous away.
Mort smiled at what he heard and told Coalsmoke, “My dear, now would be a most auspicious time to read the contents of Noxon’s last note to you. It may comfort you more than I knew when it was included in the will.”
She carefully opened the envelope. It was thicker than when I gave it to Mort this morning. She read,
“My Dear Coalsmoke: As you know from the note that I left their Highnesses, I was involved against my will in the Bleatin’ Hallow mess by higher ups who had the power to terminate my position. I have done what I could to spare you from the disaster that I know is coming. EQNB is far overextended, in part due to CC&L’s improper and illegal policy payouts.
“I have done what I can to spare you and your friends, the goats of Bleatin’ Hallow. I have found and included ten land titles all ready for transfer, needing only the signatures of the goats to return them to their land.
“For you, I have prepared a Secure Gold Transfer for the majority of my accounts, leaving only β120. β100 will be given in my will, to sever you from the consequences of the coming collapse, leaving twenty to hold the account open. I am working on getting you more but do not know if I will have the time.
“I wish that I could be granted more time with so wonderful a wife.
“Noxon”
Tears running down her cheeks, Coalsmoke laid out documents on the table. Ten land titles. “Here, Celestia. These are the ten titles that I could not find to buy back for my friends. Look, he gave me an SGT for β2,460 gold from his account. I guess that he did finish what he was working on, too. There is another SGT here, made out to the bearer, for β50,000.”
Romaine carefully getting pictures of Celestia getting the last items of her audit, asked innocently, “What about those two big estates that Nox Eous got? Aren’t they worth a lot?”
Celestia chuckled, “Yes and no. They are worth a lot of bits, yes. They are the worst thing that could have happened to him. He only has a pittance. Those estates have mortgage payments due in about twenty two days after the EQNB mortgage freeze is over. The housekeeping staffs have to be paid. The groundskeepers have to be paid. Principality and Kingdom taxes need to be paid. There will be maintenance on all of the structures.
“At the moment, his mortgages are frozen. He cannot give, sell or trade the properties without EQNB permission, and that can’t happen until after the reorganization. He still must pay the staff regardless. Once the mortgage freeze is over, he could try to sell one of the estates and use the income from that sale to cover his debits on the other. If he is both wise and lucky, he could sell both estates and actually be pretty well off. Unlikely though. Expensive properties like those sell really slowly.
“Noxon really shafted him! Couldn’t have happened to a better pony.”
I wrinkled my brow in thought as I asked, “Can he borrow against a sale to be made after the mortgages are unfrozen? If he did that, he could at least keep the Ponyville estate by using the income from the borrowing, and let the Canterlot estate sale go through when it can.”
Luna gave a diabolical grin as she replied, “In theory, yes. Sadly for him, he needs the mortgage holder to sign off on such a deal. That is usually pretty routine but at the moment, the whole department that he needs to do it has been dissolved. He will need to wait at least two months before it can be done.”
As we were all sitting back to eat, Romaine proposed a toast, “To Nox Eous! May he not try swimming with those financial millstones around his neck, lest he drown at once!”
Giggling, we all drank to that.
Coalsmoke picked up her interrupted toast, “To Noxon! A loving husband who did his best in trying circumstances and proved to be craftier than those who would bring him down!”
We drank to that, too.
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
After the funeral feast was done, I invited, “My Princesses, I would like to extend to you and your guard contingents an invitation to an ice cream social to be held up at my cave. I have perfected two things that I wish to share with you.
“The first is a fine butterscotch topping for pastries and the like. The second is ice cream in the flavors of butterscotch, caramel, mint, apple, strawberry, cherry, peach, coffee and imported chocolate.”
To her credit, Celestia was hesitating when a grinning Luna nudged her, “What else have we got to do? I mean besides going back to Canterlot and bunch of boring Court things and all of those trials under the Royal Wing?”
Caramel Treat stuck her nose into the conversation by asking with interest, “Any chance of buying some of those recipes from you, Grumpy?”
I had to snicker as I replied, “No chance at all of buying them, Caramel. I am giving hooves on instruction to Princess Luna and you, if you wish to join us! Free of charge.”
That did it! Just as Clarence had predicted, Celestia was visibly drooling. She simply pulled out a magic net mirror and made a quick call. “Twilight! Guess what? Grumpy is holding an Ice cream social for us Royalty! Up at his cave! Do come, he has a big assortment of flavors for us to enjoy!”
I was kind of giggling to myself, watching the party snowball like this! I was sure that Clarence was going to have fun!
I saw Coalsmoke whispering something to Princess Luna, who grinned savagely and whipped out her big circular calculator and began whipping the sliding circles and hairline about!
She promptly called over Constable Crager and gave him a note. He cantered off, saying, “I will get Daphne and see if Her Grace Heatherbloom and Baron Drandale can join us. We will be up to the cave as soon as we can!”
Celestia asked Luna, “Why did you send Constable Crager? I could have called them on my mirror.”
Chuckling in a dark way, Luna replied, “Oh, the note is for the bankruptcy court! Nox Eous’ shares in both CC&L and EQNB have become a debit for the bankruptcy court to collect. β219,283 gold, 6 silver and 5 to be precise.
That means that his only way to pay for the bankruptcies is to yield over the titles of BOTH estates to the court!”
Celestia gave a deep chortle as she reported, “As part of the EQNB audit, I had to run his account! In one single Secure Gold Transfer, just this morning, he dropped from β51,041 to β1,041! I wonder what that was about?”
Seeing no point to concealment, I got out between bouts of giggles, “He paid it to me! He wanted me to cut Coalsmoke out of Noxon’s will! I only had to change a few words, to tighten it up because Noxon already did it to shelter Coalsmoke from the CC&L and EQNB crash that he could see coming!”
To help preserve the memory of a good pony (not enough of those around, to my mind), I failed to mention that I had given Nox’s SGT to Mort to give to Coalsmoke and he was smart enough to keep it quiet too.
Soon enough we were joined by Princess Twilight Sparkle, Duchess Heatherbloom, her consort, the amazing piper, Baron Drandale, and their Carlene Daphne Crager.
Our merry little band set out for my cave. Twilight, trotting along side Luna, asked her, “Will Grumpy’s cave have room enough for us all? I mean, even your Royal Guards are coming.”
Luna filled her in, “There will be one more guest. I am quite sure that he will make room for all of us. In this world, he goes by Clarence.”
Twilight almost stopped where she was. “You mean that the Lord of the Dead will be there?”
Luna nodded happily, “An old and cherished friend. It has been too long since I last had occasion to see him.”
“But, Luna! You are immortal! Why would you be seeing, um, Clarence?”
Quite gently, Luna replied, “Yes, I am. So are you, now, Twilight. However, most of those that we know and love are not. It is with Clarence’s help that I can still see and visit them.”
Pursing her lips in thought, Twilight nodded, “I can see how that could be an important thing to know. Do you think that I could do that?”
Shrugging, Luna answered, “I don’t know. Ask him politely and take whatever answer he gives.”
Continuing up the trail, Twilight spent some time in deep thought. “I believe that I may indeed do that, Luna. Thank you.”
We all got to my ledge without incident. Light was streaming out of my open front door!
Clarence, every bone polished to a fine shine, greeted us all effusively! “Welcome, Your Highnesses and all! Preparing for your coming was so much fun!”
One of Luna’s Royal Guards was heard to comment, “A party hosted by Death himself?”
One of her veterans retorted, “What did you expect, signing into Luna’s Guard? This is practically normal, compared to some of the places she has taken us. Never forget that besides Princess Luna, we follow her when she chooses to be the Nightmare, too.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
Inside, with a nearly diabolical grin, Princess Luna took a place behind the serving line and dished up a large bowl of butterscotch ice cream topped by butterscotch sauce. The ice cream was flanked by two bananas, each split lengthwise and crisp sweet crackers. Celestia looked like she was visiting heaven as she happily spooned up her goodies!
There were substantial tubs of all of our other flavors too. I personally saw to it that Reverend Smallflower got a nice selection of flavors. I was surprised to see Windy taking orders and serving along side Clarence and I. Luna, after her prank with Celestia, had retired with a substantial plate of assorted flavors.
Twilight was trying to take only small portions but Clarence would not hear of it. “Help yourself, my dear Princess, I promise that you will not suffer for it!”
Looking up to his nicely polished bones, she grinned, “I guess that you really can make that promise, can’t you?” And started trying all the flavors.
She settled on a big sundae of chocolate, mint and apple. With crisp sweet wafers to scoop it up. And topped by chocolate sauce.
With things going well, we took Luna, Caramel and Windy into the back and started to teach them the ins and outs of our ice cream and sauce recipes. That actually went pretty fast. They were all expert cooks already and learning the tricks of making these ice creams and sauces went quickly. They did actually take notes, except for Princess Luna, who has an absolutely perfect memory.
When we emerged from the lesson, carrying the new big tubs of ice cream, we saw something that nearly made me drop the tub that I was carrying! Luna’s Guard had taken places at the serving tables and were scooping out nice big balls of all the ice creams! One was drizzling the sauces over the bowls of ice cream. Besides those, there was one who was filling Rom style edible cones with a goodly scoop and dipping them into caramel or chocolate sauces as requested!
When she saw what the Guard was doing, the delighted Princess Luna leaned over and whispered into my ear, “Midnight’s Munchies has something new! Thank you, Grumpy!”
I overheard the one filling the edible cones saying to his Major, “You were right, Sir! Being in Luna’s Guard is not like anything that I have ever heard of before! Fun, too!”
We all had a great time. I overheard Princess Luna speaking to the Major, “That was very well done and appreciated but not in your orders. Why did you do it?”
“Simple, really, Princess. I have been in your Guard for nine years. When you are Rom, you cook and serve like any other. What is needed, you do. When you all went into the back to learn the making of these treats, there was no pony to serve them. So, following what I have seen, we stepped in and did what was needed. Glad that you liked it.”
“It was worthy of a unit commendation, Major, and you shall have it.”
Altogether, it was a fun interlude. I was sorry to see them all go when things wound down. At least the clean up was easy. Clarence sort of waived a hoof and those dishes and the like that we were saving were neatly cleaned and properly stowed away. The rest was simply vanished.
Clarence laid a reassuring hoof on my shoulder as he told me, “Don’t worry, Grumpy. The left over ice cream is safely stowed in a cold chest in the back room. There should be enough to last us for weeks . . . Or maybe only a few days! That is good stuff. The only flavor that we have none of is the butterscotch!”
He added, with a fleshless but very obvious grin, “I packed it and the butterscotch toppings for Celestia to take with her! Want to place a bet that none of it will get all the way to Canterlot castle?”
“No, my friend. I do not prefer to take or make sucker bets!”
After a “restful” night haunted by nightmares of an enraged mob of unicorn supremacists burning my home! Seeing years of study toward a degree devoured by greedy flames! The beatings as I escaped with only one book of my whole library! Being stoned cobbles pried from the street! The scent of my burned and broken flesh, fur, and bone! The howls of a wolf answered by a second!
The wolves driving off the mob! Taking me to the safety of Peanut Brittle’s apartment. The gentle care as I healed. Watched over by the good palomino pony and both of the werewolves who saved me, Caramel Treat and Fangrin.
Compulsive study of the one book that I saved, the NECRONOMIPONY for a class of abnormal psychology. The triumph when I finally got a non Equine spell to light a candle! The spiral from pain to hate fueling my deep study of some very dark things.
And the gentle hoof of Clarence, Lord of the Dead, awakening me to a new day!
I wandered quietly down to Ponyville, happily licking away at an edible cone of mixed chocolate and mint flavors of ice cream! I settled my self into a seat at Caremel Treat’s Sweets and opened the Ponyville Prancer for the early news.
While awaiting my order for breakfast, I happily scanned the Obituaries. From my particular point of view, the news could hardly be better! There were already nine of the twenty who wanted their original looks restored whose contracts were fulfilled!
I was just tucking into my alfalfa omelet with thick sliced toast drenched in melted butter and honey and a big pot of Rom black tea when my good mood was severely strained. Nox Eous stomped up to my table.
He demanded, “Give me some of that breakfast and a refund on my contract!”
I looked up to his ugly visage and retorted, “No and no! If you want breakfast, order your own.” I underlined the point by taking bites from both slices of toast, the omelet and pouring more tea, which I sipped from.
Sour of voice, he gripped, “You cheated me! That contract was supposed to make me rich! All those stocks I got is worthless! There is problems with those Estates so I can’t make any money off them. His damn accounts only had, like twenty bits in them!”
I shrugged and went on quietly eating, only pausing to ask, “How come you are out of jail so quick?”
Nox snarled, “I pleaded guilty, saying that I was upset over Noxon’s death. I had to pay a β500gold fine and they let me go. I went to Sir Snobbin Realty and they tell me that I can’t even put the estates up for sale until EQNB is restructured.”
After mopping up my plate with the last of the excellent toast, I leaned back and sipped my tea slowly and with relish. Had to admit that I was looking forward to what was coming.
I paid Windy, while Peanut looked on with a smile. I made a point of putting my tip directly into her care, rather than leave it on the table. As I did, I commented, “Some ponies are so rude that they would swipe money left on the table for you.”
To Nox, I invited, “Let’s go to the Hall of Records. They have both Noxon’s will and our contract. They can connect us to one of the Ponyville judges for an opinion. Then you will have an impartial decision about whether you are due a refund.”
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
I had to listen to his continual griping and cobble stomping all the way to the Town Hall. Inside, I greeted, “Mol, my lovely sweet heart breaker, this pony is Nox Eous. I am needing Noxon’s will and my contract with Nox, here. If it is possible, I would like a judge to review both documents and render an opinion as to whether Nox is due a refund. If it is due, I will, of course pay him promptly by Secure Gold Transfer.”
Mol nodded and went to her files. In short order she had both files. She paused and added a third item from her OUT basket. She tapped codes on an intercom mirror and spoke briefly. She ended with, “Yes, Judge Coldheart, I will bring both of them and all the documents to your chambers at once.”
She set out a sign saying “Back in a few minutes. Thank you for waiting.”
She laid the documents and the envelope on the Judge’s desk.
He greeted, “Gentle beings, be seated. I would like a few moments to read the documents. Then I will hear you out.” For the next few moments, he studied the papers. He slit the envelope and studied its contents too.
Looking up, he stated, “Mister Nox Eous, it is my understanding that you wish a refund from Grumpeter Goat in connection with this contract between you both. Is that correct?”
“Darn right it is! That contract was supposed to make me rich! Instead, what I got was a bunch of stock that is worthless, some empty accounts and a couple of estates that I can’t even sell because EQNB is bankrupt and being reorganized! Buying that contract near busted me and I didn’t get rich, like I was supposed to!”
Judge Coldheart turned to me and raised an eyebrow, “Grumpeter, what is your position on this?”
I shrugged, “Dead simple, your Honor. When he came to me, he was all about cutting Coalsmoke out of Noxon’s will. He wanted her to receive the legal minimum β100gold and a note saying how much he loved her. At no time did he tell me and it is nowhere in the contract that the purpose was to make him rich.
“He wants me to give him a refund for something that is not in the contract, which was, in fact, carried out in every particular. He wanted both of the estates. He got them. He wanted Noxon’s accounts. He got them. He wanted Noxon’s stock portfolio and he got it. Contract fulfilled exactly.
“It is no fault of mine that he did not check the will in the Hall of Records. How is it my failure that he KNEW that the institutions in question were undergoing an audit under the Royal Wing for illegal activity and wanted the stocks anyway?
“He wanted Coalsmoke cut out and that is what he got.”
The judge nodded, brow wrinkled in thought before asking, “Exactly what did you do in relation to the will, which the contract says is to be made to read as it presently does?”
I chuckled and replied, “I called Mortimer Mollycoddle, Noxon’s lawyer to be sure that the will still cut Coalsmoke out, to protect her from the financial disaster that he saw coming. With Mortimer’s permission, I added a document to the envelope which contained gifts that he gave into his lawyer’s possession before he died.”
Nox cut in, “What was in that damned envelope, anyway? She would not let me see it!”
I replied honestly, “I only know that by hearsay. Coalsmoke said that it contained a note expressing his love for her, an SGT for some thousands from his accounts and ten Bleatin’ Hallow land titles that he obtained and prepared for simple one signature transfers that he wanted her to give back to the goats who had previously owned the land before the crooked theft of it.”
Nox burst in, “That gold from the accounts should have gone to me!”
Judge Coldheart shook his head, “I am afraid not, Mister Nox. The gift was made while he was still alive and only entrusted to his lawyer to be sure that it did not go astray.
“What was the last item in the envelope, Grumpeter?”
“I did not see it but the note that she read mentioned some other monies that he was trying to raise and did not know if he would be able to. She mentioned that he apparently succeeded and the last paper related to that.”
“From what I gather, Grumpeter, you did not actually have to do anything to fulfill this contract. Why didn’t you notify your client of that?”
I did not even pause. “For the last four years, Nox has not merely refused any offer of friendship from Noxon and Coalsmoke, he has been quite openly rude about it. Coalsmoke is one of my few close friends and Noxon was a good pony.
“When Nox showed up at my cave and was demanding all sorts of things that he thought would harm my friend, I saw a chance to give him exactly what he was after, do no harm to my friend and, of course, make a pile of bits.”
“Well, Grumpeter, since you did essentially nothing to gain his money, why should you not have to give him a refund?”
I grinned, “Look on the first page of the contract. There is a box there with his initials in it. He read that paragraph and agreed to it. It says, “The contract is fulfilled if the result stated on page two is achieved, regardless of how it happens.
“He got exactly what he personally demanded. Contract fulfilled. Period.”
The judge nodded, smiling just a bit. “I am sorry, Mister Nox. He is correct. You did acknowledge the fulfillment by any means. The contract was fulfilled. If your goal was to become rich from it, you should have had that included in the contract.”
He picked up the papers from the envelope and said, “At this time I must serve you this demand of payment from the Bankruptcy Court. If you do not sign, I will sign it for you and it will be legally served regardless.
“As the cause of both bankruptcies is the same, both cases have been joined and consolidated. You own and have accepted liability for voting stock in both Equestrian National Bank and Canterlot Casualty and Life. The total endebitedness comes to β219,283 gold, 6 silver and 5. This must be paid within the next month.
“The Bankruptcy Court is aware that you have no liquid assets to speak of and offer you a release of the debit in return for accepting the titles to both estates that you got in Noxon’s will.”
Nox was stunned but only for a moment! “I was just up to Sir Snobbin Realty and they said that those estates were worth over three and a half million! The Court has to pay me the difference!”
“Regrettably not, Mister Nox. While the estates are worth what you did say, Noxon had only been paying on them for five years. His equity, the amount that he owned, was less than β190,000. Each payment he made was mostly interest on the mortgage and a small, but increasing amount to equity.
“The court will release the balance of your debit if you sign over both estates. If you sign these papers, the seizure will go through and you will be free of the debit.”
His signatures were shaky as he realized that he was actually losing absolutely everything that the will, his spite, greed, and his β50,000gold had given him.
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
You would think that Nox Eous would have learned something from his little “experience with the legal system” but no. He followed me as I left the town hall and headed toward the train station. Besides the clunking of his hooves on the cobbles, his mouth was running full blast!
“Drat you, Goat! This is all your fault! Not only have I not got any of my inheritance left, I paid you β50,000gold! You ripped me off! After that foul fine I had to pay over basically nothing, I may not have enough in my account to pay my rent!”
I stopped and turned to face him, ugly as he was. “How is any of it my fault? I bluntly told you that the price was that high because Coalsmoke is my friend. That high price was meant to deter you from any effort to harm her, and I told you that, too. Not only did you go ahead with the contract, you failed to mention getting rich, which could have easily been a part of the contract. I did include everything that you asked for and you got it all, exactly as stated in our contract. Judge Coldheart verified that.
“Everything that has happened to you is your fault and yours only.”
He snapped, “That is a load of bull! You knew that I was trying to get rich!”
I nodded agreeably, “Of course I knew that. I was waiting for you to say it. You didn’t. What you did say you wanted, you got. End of discussion.”
I turned and trotted toward the station. I was pleased by what I saw. Work was already underway to replace shop windows broken in the riot. A work crew was clearing out the charred wreckage of Windy’s Ice Creamery. They were loading it into Hackamore Hauling wagons for removal.
As we arrived at the station, we were greeted by Twilight’s Royal Marines in full combat armor and weapons at the ready. They had established a perimeter that included Coalsmoke’s armored wagon.
Spears lifted and the Sargent in charge nodded politely to me. “Welcome, Mister Goat. We were waiting for you, please go on in.”
As I trotted past them, the same spears dropped across Nox’s path. “I am sorry, Sir. No pony is permitted here without Royal authorization.”
Encouraged by spears in expert hooves, Nox left. I saw him headed for the shops under repair. I wondered in passing whether he was actually looking for a job.
On the platform I found the familiar old donkey from the Royal Intelligence Service. He smiled at me and then totally floored me by saying, “Grumpeter, altering that will was the finest bit of time manipulation that I have ever heard of. Could you please tell me how you managed it?”
I shrugged, “I had a little help. Time works differently for the Lord of the Dead than it does for us. He allowed me to remind Noxon of just how foul Nox Eous was to him and Coalsmoke, the wife that he loved. He was just at the point of calling Mortimer Mollycoddle to dictate his final will. That reminder caused him to change the beneficiary information to shaft Nox Eous. The result was that there never was any other will that I needed to alter. That let me tell Judge Coldheart the truth, that I did not have to alter the will documents because they were exactly as Noxon dictated them.”
The old donkey grinned. “That was truly evil. Right up there with what you did to those executives that lied to the Princesses. By the way, you can let Romaine know that it is OK to print up that story. The last one of those executives croaked this morning.”
Conversation became temporarily impossible as the big locomotive pulled up to the platform, blasting steam in loud hissing screams from its engine braking, its bell clanging loudly. It quieted down to only a slight hiss as the iron monster settled to a stop.
The actual transfer of the gold was almost an anticlimax, it was so routine. While the actual coin bags were being loaded, the old donkey asked, “Do you know who Noxon was going to give his stock portfolio and estates to before your little reminder?”
I nodded cheerfully, “Yep. It was all going to be given back to Equestrian National Bank. It would all have been swallowed up in the crash and cost nopony a copper. As it is, Nox Eous wiped himself out, trying to hurt Coalsmoke. The two estates were taken from him this morning by the bankruptcy court to cover his endebitedness on all those thousands of shares of voting stock.”
The old donkey sort of suppressed a snicker as he pointed out, “That was economical. It did all go to the bankruptcy just as Noxon was originally going to do.”
We followed the Marines who were now guarding the wagon of gold on its way to Ponyville Trust and Loan. As we arrived, we were treated to the sight of Nox Eous sourly stomping out of the building.
While the clerks were busy with the final count up and all the paperwork that it entails, I asked Mister Greenbriar about what Nox Eous wanted.
He gave a sort of sad smile as he replied, “He wanted gold. He found out about the Wholeheart grants. He charged in here demanding that since we were just handing out gold to lazy shop keepers we should give him some too. Not much, just a few thousand! I refused, of course. I told him that there were conditions to be met and just being poor because of squandering a fortune was not one of them.”
I raised my eyebrows at that. “A fortune? I know that he did have some money, but a fortune?”
Mister Greenbriar pursed his lips as he said, “He was raised by his mother, who took care of him. She died about eight years ago and left him an investment trust worth about a quarter of a million in gold. The interest that it was earning was keeping him comfortable. As soon as he could, he dissolved the trust and put the money into a non interest bearing checking account at EQNB. He has been living off the idle principal ever since. I gather that it is nearly gone.
“Then he said that we could just give him a loan for a few thousand. He had no collateral. His house is rented. The furnishings in the house are rented. I had to refuse that excellent idea too.”
I began to giggle. When I got myself under control, I said, “We should give him a job as an economic adviser!! Whatever he says to do, we do the opposite! We couldn’t lose!”
~THE END~
INSURANCE! a Grumpy Goat >tail<
As soon as we were served, Romaine smiled at Windy and asked, “Are you Windy from Windy’s Ice Creamery? The place that got burned down in the recent riot?”
Windy nodded, “Yes, Mam, I am.”
“May I interview you about what happened? I am Romaine, a reporter for the Ponyville Prancer.”
“If I can get permission from Miss Peanut Brittle, my boss, sure. Happy to.”
Peanut cheerfully agreed, “Go for it, Windy! It will be great advertising for your new shop once it is rebuilt.”
Caramel came out of the kitchen and joined us at the table. She quietly stated, “This interview will be about Windy, Romaine. Keep Mister Wholeheart out of it as much as possible, please. I know him and he is a very private pony. He was terribly hurt years ago. He tries to do as much good as he can with his wealth but to this day, he remains afraid of being found by those who hurt him. Please don’t give them any clues to find him.”
Coalsmoke casually wandered up and overheard Caramel. She joined us at the table and inquired, “How did Mister Wholeheart come up? He is usually pretty invisible.”
Romaine pointed to Windy. “He helped her out. Her new ice cream parlor near the rail station was burned out in this morning’s riot. He is seeing to getting it rebuilt.”
Coalsmoke nodded, “OK, that makes sense. I know how he feels about fires.” She sort of shuddered and turned to me.
“Does he still get those awful nightmares, Grumpy?”
I nodded. “Yep. Nothing seems to help those. Believe me, I have tried.”
Romaine asked incredulously, “He goes up to your cave, Grumpy?”
Coalsmoke nodded sympathy. “Sure. I spend a lot of time up there, as you know. That is how I know of Mister Wholeheart. He gets work from Grumpy.”
Romaine raised her eyebrows at that. “He does? I am pretty familiar with Grumpy’s files at the Hall of Registry and I have never seen his name on any contract.”
I shrugged, “Windy, can you keep a secret? I know that every other pony here can.”
She nodded, “I can. I gather that what you are gonna say is in that category. I won’t tell.”
I nodded acceptance. “It is simple, really. Think back to what you know of the Nightmare Wars. It is obvious that there is more than one sort of Non Equine Magic. What he wants is to do only good, but usually very anonymously. That includes how his fortune grows.”
Romaine sucked in her lips as she thought it through. “You can do things that don’t need contracts, registry, or payment. You keep everypony focused on the sort that you do, to keep them from trying to get you to do what does not need registry. Why only for him?”
Coalsmoke chuckled, “Because he only wants good from what he does. And he shares some of Grumpy’s sort of pain. He is the pony that Grumpy wishes he was like.”
I turned to Peanut and gave her a twenty gold bit piece. “Get everypony here what they want, Caramel, Windy and you included. Keep the change. I have a place that I need to be.”
As I was about to trot away, Coalsmoke put in, “Grumpy, I wanted to invite you to come to Noxon’s funeral, tomorrow. Can you come?”
“I will be there,” I promised as I left.
Where I had to be was up to my cave! My assorted alarm and spy spells had let me know that I had quite the congregation of ponies up there on my ledge! I paused to drink from the spring about half way up the trail and then let all of my glamors go, leaving just me in my invisible spirit body to go face the twenty five upset and mostly very disfigured appearing ponies on my ledge.
The day was warm, so the iron front sealing off my cave was nice and hot. None of the crowd wanted to be there, next to the hot iron, making me a nice open path right to my door! I slithered up to it and used my nice personalized opening spell to silently lift the stout bars holding it shut.
I was in and the door resealed before any of them were aware of it! Clarence was sitting in my easy chair, a candle lantern dangling from the tip of his horn. He was chortling as he watched the heavy timber braced front of my cave as if he could see right through it. Of course, he could. Lord of the Dead and all that, remember?
Bare bone should not be able to grin. Clarence’s bare polished skull was grinning. He pointed with a hoof of bone at the iron wall, indicating the amusing crowd outside.
“Most diverting, Grumpy! That truth spell has had a delightful outcome! I am certain that their Highnesses are enjoying it!”
I smiled at the old friend who killed me and made me what I am as I replied, “They are indeed, Clarence! I am pretty sure that those out there are not as happy with it! What I want to know is simple. Are any of them Fated Deaths due to happen in the next few days?”
“No, Grumpy. Do you want me to destroy the lot of them? It would be no trouble at all.”
“Not so fast as all that, no. What I do have in mind will be far more profitable. We are going to restore their pre lying to the Princesses looks for a hefty fee. I wonder if any of them has read the Truth Spell contract? It is publicly registered, after all.”
Clarence got a far away look in his empty eye sockets for a few seconds. “No, Grumpy. They simply expect to buy your compliance with their wishes.”
“I presume that I should do business with them, then. I think that you will be amused by the contracts. Oh, would you please take my real skull into the back? I want to be sure that it is safe in case things go nasty.”
“Of course, Grumpy.” Clarence quietly closed the back room door. I went to the front and undid the bars and chains quite noisily. I also left the siege latches set. Good thing, too.
The door slammed against the siege latch stops with the weight of a number of overweight ponies behind it! I called through the crack that the latches allowed, “You might as well stop trying to force your way in! The door and wall were designed and installed by a reputable firm of military equipment contractors. They will take a standard Equestrian Military Battering Ram. You are not going to break it.
“If you are prepared to be civil, we can do business. If not, simply go back down the mountain to Ponyville.”
Somepony in the crowd called out, “You did this to us! You have to undo it!”
“Did what? If I have done anything to you, it will be part of a registered contract. To my knowledge, I have not done anything to any of you.”
