Sunny's lighthouse was a mess.
In any average situation, a mess of this degree would be unexplainable. However, a giant robot built for destruction is not exactly an average threat. The only thing average about it was its user.
Sunny was currently attempting to scrub out a most interesting stain on her hardwood floor. "What kinda crap stains hardwood?" she grumbled as she continued to scrub with a cheap paper towel square you'd find at Family Dollar.
Izzy meandered over, wondering why Sunny had been on the ground for so long. She peered over her friend's shoulder at the stain.
"Y'know, I think I might know how to clean that," said Izzy.
"Really?" Sunny replied, rising to reveal a face covered in sweat. "That would be a huge help."
"All I gotta do is this!" said Izzy as her horn began to glow. While it was true that the newfound magic every unicorn possessed was quite powerful, it was no match for this Gordon-forsaken stain. As Sunny and Izzy would realize, this was no average stain. This stain was mean.
This stain required Oxi Clean.
As much as we would all love for the iconic Billy Mays to present the solution for this stain, he was unable to do it given he unfortunately passed away 15 years ago.
So we had Eminem do it instead.
Budget.
"Hey, fuckface," said the great Eminem, standing over the two ponies. "That shit won't work. Only this is gonna clean that shit."
As shocked as Izzy and Sunny were to see this strange being who seemed to curse every 6 words, they were relieved to see that he appeared to have a solution. In his hands was a large bottle of Oxi Clean, slightly glowing from its pure majesty.
"What's Oxi Clean?" asked Izzy, examining it so closely that the tip of her snout touched the bottle.
"Just fuckin' use it and stop fuckin' around." said Eminem. I know. We fucked up.
Once again ignoring the profanity, Izzy grabbed the bottle, opened it, and sniffed the contents. "It smells really good," she told Sunny as she prepared to pour it on the infamous stain.
"Wait, is that all we have to do? Just pour it?" Sunny asked.
"Yup," replied Eminem.
And so they did. And lo and behold, the same way Nick Cannon disappears when someone mentions kids, the stain began to disintegrate. Or so it seemed.
"I think we did it!" said Sunny. "Thanks...weird cussing dude."
"No problem fuckfaces." And with that, Eminem disappeared. For the moment, at least.
As Sunny and Izzy sat taking in the relief of having conquered the stain, Hitch Trailblazer entered the lighthouse. "Hey guys, some tall creature dude just walked out of here and disappeared into thin air. You know anything about that?" His eyes then fell on the bottle of Oxi Clean.
"What is that?" asked Hitch. As he examined the bottle, his expression went from simple confusion to almost constipation. He had never seen anything like this before.
But Sunny and Izzy were too entranced by the Oxi Clean to care. With this power, there would never again be a mess in Maretime Bay that couldn't be conquered. With this, perhaps they could clean the rest of the lighthouse much quicker. Perhaps this was the ultimate solution.
It wasn't. And you knew that already.
Given there was still so much left in the bottle, Sunny walked over to a smaller stain by the window. After taking the bottle from Hitch, she poured a little onto the spot. Just like with the previous stain, it began to disintegrate. "Wow!" Sunny exclaimed. "This is incredible!"
As Sunny was preparing to use it again on another spot near the center of the room, Eminem returned. "What the fuck are you doin'??" he shouted.
All three ponies jumped. "Where did you even come from?!?" Hitch cried.
"Don't worry about it," said Em with a dismissive wave of his hand. "The real question is, why the fuck are you still using that Oxi Clean?"
"Because it cleans stuff!" replied Izzy. "And this place could use a little clean!"
"Don't you understand how fuckin' powerful Oxi Clean is?" Em deadpanned. "It's not your ordinary cleaning solution. Its power goes waaaay fuckin' beyond that. And if you use too much of it, some crazy weird shit could happen."
"Like a really tall talking creature with an inability to refrain from explicit language?" Hitch replied, thinking someone would laugh. Nobody did.
"No," Eminem replied. "Worse. Worse than your stupid fuckin' authority complex."
"Whatever," Hitch grumbled.
"What's gonna happen?" asked Sunny.
"Really bad shit," said Eminem. "You don't even wanna fuckin' know. And you won't have to if you just get rid of the fuckin' bottle. You got your stain out, and now you don't need it anymore."
Sunny sighed. "Fair enough." But as she went to give the bottle back to Eminem, she noticed it was gone. And, to her horror, so was Izzy.
"Ohhhhh shit, you guys are fucked," said Eminem. We really shouldn't have made him do this.
After a minute of looking around, Sunny found Izzy out front, pouring little amounts of Oxi Clean on what she assumed Izzy thought were stains. "IZZY!" she shouted, running over to stop her.
"Y'all fucked up," said Eminem. And he was right. The sky was slowly starting to darken as clouds began to swirl faster and faster. It was clear that the Oxi Gods had been disturbed by the outrageous amount of Oxi Clean Izzy had decided to use.
"Oops," said Izzy. "Sorry, guys."
"Better fuckin' prepare," said Eminem. "Or at least have an explanation. 'Cause from what I know, shit can get pretty wicked with these fuckers."
Upon hearing these words, Sunny started to panic. She was not prepared for shit to get wicked on a Thursday afternoon.
As the sky got darker and darker, more and more ponies stopped what they were doing to stare up at it. It didn't take long for their confusion to convert into fear. Instead of causing mass chaos, however, they used common sense and went into their houses.
All Sunny and her friends could do was watch as out of the clouds emerged a being made of white light, with a long, shiny beard. "I am the leader of the Oxi Gods," he announced. "It has come to my attention that someone on this land has used an excessive amount of the sacred Oxi Clean."
Without hesitation, Hitch pointed a hoof at the other two. "Look at them, not me," he said.
Ignoring this betrayal, Sunny explained, "I had no idea there was such a thing as Oxi Gods. I was just trying to clean a stain in my lighthouse when some tall creature popped out of nowhere and showed me the bottle, telling me it was the solution. I mean, isn't this technically more their fault than ours?"
It probably was. But the leader of the Oxi Gods wasn't about to hear all that.
"You are the one that abused the power of Oxi Clean," he thundered, pointing a finger at Sunny. "It is no being's fault but your own."
"Even though Izzy used, like, a lot more than I did?" Sunny asked.
"Wait, what?" said the Oxi God. "You both used it?"
Izzy and Sunny nodded sheepishly.
The Oxi God paused. How had he not seen that? While he tried to decide which of them should be held accountable, Izzy, who had gotten bored and decided to try to levitate the bottle with her horn, dropped it onto the ground, causing more spillage.
For a moment, everyone just stared at the bottle as more and more Oxi Clean spilled onto the grass before them. Finally, the Oxi God bellowed, "YOU MUST PAY FOR THIS!!"
"W-well, can't you just replace the bottle or something?" Sunny asked frantically.
"Obviously," the Oxi God replied. "But this ABUSE of our sacred substance must be PUNISHED!"
Sunny gulped. "What are you gonna do?"
"I sentence you..." proclaimed the Oxi God, "to deal with Eminem for a month."
Sunny couldn't believe it.
"Who?" asked Izzy.
"Seriously, motherfucker?" said Eminem, who had once again returned. "I was just here ten minutes ago and you already forgot me?"
"What's an Eminem?" Izzy asked, tilting her head. "Is it a fruit?"
Eminem couldn't believe this. The disrespect here was insane. Turning to the Oxi God, he asked, "What the fuck am I being punished for?"
"You shouldn't have provided these nitwits with the sacred Oxi Clean," said the God.
"Hey, we're not nitwits!" said Hitch, who had been silent for quite a while. He was almost instantly disproved, unfortunately, by Izzy jumping up to catch a butterfly, missing, and landing squarely on her face. He smacked a hoof to his forehead.
"Yeah, no. I'm not doin' this fuckin' shit," said Eminem. And then he disappeared.
"Well," said the Oxi God with a shrug, "the only other option is for me to blow up the world."
"WHAT?!?!" cried Sunny. "Over a bottle of cleaner??"
"Shouldn't have used all that Oxi Clean," he replied. But just as he was about to Thanos snap Maretime Bay out of existence, Eminem returned with a fresh bottle of Oxi Clean, straight from the stock we gave him for promotion.
"Here," said Eminem. "New bottle. Are we fuckin' good?"
The Oxi God thought for a moment. After a bit, he conceded. "You must be wary of the power of Oxi Clean in the future," he said. "If ANY of you ever overuse the sacred cleaner again, I will be back. And I won't be so nice."
"Got it," said Sunny, already moving the bottle away from Izzy. "So are we supposed to just never use this?"
"The sacred Oxi Clean has directions," said the Oxi God. "Read them." And with that, he disappeared, turning the sky back to normal and making this entire story extremely anticlimactic.
Eminem, who really had no purpose being there anymore, began to fade away, as he was no longer required to promote Oxi Clean. Realizing this, he decided to leave a parting message for the good folk of Maretime Bay.
"LIONS TO THE SUPER BOOOOOOOOWL!!!"
And then he was gone.
"Weirdo," said Hitch.
"Yeah," said Sunny. "Hey, where's Izzy?"
Sunny looked around. The bottle of Oxi Clean was gone.
"Crap."
Author's Note
Another shitty fic from the drafts I decided to put out. I know it sucks, but if you laughed at least once I'd call that a win.
Also, I have no idea why I put Eminem in this. Randomness at its finest.
