Caught between a hick and an athlete
It hasn’t been a great day for Auburn Breeze, but then when does she ever have a good one?
It’s bad enough that the mare doesn’t have any friends, but worse still that is the noticeable lack of a cutie mark on her flanks.
Ponies can’t help but stare at her whenever she goes into town for groceries or the park for a walk to clear her head. They’re not quite jeering and chanting blankflank like they used to in school. Instead they just gawk at her, disgust in their eyes. They can’t imagine how a mare her age has gone this long without finding her special talent.
But that isn’t enough to stop Auburn from trying. Every day she’s pursuing a new avenue, trying to learn a new skill or take on some kind of new employment.
She tries, but so far she’s never managed to succeed at anything. It’s hard to put on a happy face when she’s a failure at even the most menial tasks.
Take today for example. Today Auburn spent the morning working alongside Roseluck at her flower stall. The rosy mare had been kind enough to offer the work experience as well as a bit of practice in flower arranging. Plenty of ponies had special talents intertwined with flowers, why not her?
Well, by lunchtime she’d had to put out three fires, nail Roseluck’s stand back together and pay for a hundred bits worth of flower-related damages. It was amazing Roseluck hadn’t had Auburn arrested with all the trouble she’d caused, frankly.
The afternoon was no better. Being a living statue, it turned out, was not as easy as it looked. Even in the five minutes that she managed to keep completely still half a dozen birds had used her coat as a public bathroom and several fillies had come by to kick her in the cannons.
Defeated and tired, Auburn plods along the bridleway out of town, head low. Flank still blank. Right now she just wants to be alone, without the eyes of judgmental ponies on her.
She turns off into a field that appears to be empty and settles in the shade of a huge oak tree. It’s late afternoon, but this time of year it’s still light out until well into the evening. The sun still paints the countryside in brilliant light, and the wind rolls through every blade of grass, shaking the trees to action. The sky’s clear and blue, the pegasi have already cleared most of the clouds away, but a few fluffy dollops of white remain, drifting along that navy blue ocean.
Maybe Auburn’s talent has something to do with nature. She’s always felt a particular affinity towards it. Being out here, away from the bustle of town, listening to the sounds of the world around her makes her feel as ease. It’s not so often these days she feels this way.
Auburn lounges against the tree, eyes closed, taking in the meditative soundtrack of mother nature, but unbeknownst to her this field isn’t exactly unoccupied.
Not above ground level, at least.
Rainbow Dash lays on a cloud just above Auburn’s tree, peering down at the solitary pony with a grin and a flicker in her eye.
“Oh, this is just perfect!” She says quietly to herself.
Dash was in the middle of rainbow maintenance when she felt the fart building up in her stomach. She knew from that moment that this fart, powered by her morning protein shake and side of french toast, had to be saved for something special. It had been a while since Dash had engaged in some good old fashioned pranking, and it seemed like after holding her gas in all day she finally had her target.
Auburn doesn’t see it coming. There’s a rustle of leaves above her, a raspy boyish grunt, and then when she opens her eyes a pair of blue cloud-laden buns hover just before her face. The dark knot nestled between the two sweaty flanks shrivels at her.
“Can I help y-”
But before she can finish her question, a rushing wind spews out of Rainbow Dash’s tailpipe and right into her vulnerable face. She can feel her mane fluttering in the hot breeze. Dash moans and pushes her plot back, her surprise attack narrowing into a thin squeal before coming to a sudden stop.
She looks back, stifling laughter, to see a very confused expression on Auburn’s face.
As she registers what just happened, the smell to accompany that windstorm catches up to her. Auburn’s nostrils burn and her eyes start to leak as she’s bullied from every angle by the sour, eggy funk.
“Ugh! What the hay!?”
“Gotcha!” Rainbow Dash cackles, and she’s about to zip off before Auburn can give her a piece of her mind, but something catches her eye.
A shimmering light. All across the pony’s blank flank. It takes Auburn a moment to notice it—she’s still far too busy trying to waft away Dashie’s stink bomb. When she does notice, though, her face lights up with excited anticipation.
“Whoa, your butt’s glowing!”
“My cutie mark! I’m finally getting my cutie mark!”
She watches intently as the quivering light starts to take form.
Dash is watching too, the last time she saw something like this was when she got her own cutie mark many many moons ago.
The light dies down. Auburn’s heart races. In place of the glimmer there’s… a green cloud?
“Wait, what?” Auburn prods herself in the tush to make sure it’s not defected. “What even is that?”
“BWAHAHA!” Rainbow Dash cackles, falling over backward into the grass and slipping out a damp poot in the process, “Don’t tell me you- Oh, this is priceless!”
Auburn has had just about enough of all this mockery. She grunts like a bull seeing red, leaps to her hooves and straddles the blue pegasus pony with a mean look in her eye.
“What is it!?”
“Y-Your cutie mark is a fart!” Rainbow Dash collapses into another round of laugher.
Auburn isn’t sure what to make of that.
“What? No it’s not!”
“Think about it. I just cut one into your face, and as soon as you sniffed that baby a little green cloud appeared on your flank. That’s no coincidence, dude, your special talent is sniffing ass gas!”
Before entering another round of giggling fits, Rainbow Dash pauses. A lightbulb clicks on in her head.
“Hey, wait… your special talent is sniffing ass gas!” She repeats, this time with an idea.
Auburn doesn’t even care anymore. Defeated, she slumps back against the tree and feels the tears coming. All these years. All this lead up. All of the time and effort she pored into getting her cutie mark and it’s this!
So lost in her dejection is Auburn that she doesn’t even look up to notice Rainbow Dash turning her plot to her yet again and giving it a wiggle. The pegasus strikes, throwing her body weight into Auburn’s face and pinning it down to the ground. Auburn fights it, but Dash is far too powerful.
“Hnng-!”
Praaapt!
Hot, curdled air rushes over Auburn’s face. Her nose crinkles up in disgust. Dash lays the farts on heavier and heavier, one after the next, saturating the air around Auburn as much as she can. Each and every desperate breath burns her throat. She’s breathing pure sulphur without even a hint of oxygen.
“H-Help! Somepony- ack-!”
“Nighty Night…” Chuckles Dash, rocking her backside harder into Auburn and blowing a silent, sputtery mist into her nostrils. To make sure she’s definitely out for the count, Dashie lifts her rear up in the air, and then with all her strength drops it directly onto Auburn’s head with a resounding thump.
Everything goes black.
When Auburn wakes a few hours later, she’s no longer out in the field. She isn’t outside at all, in fact. Wherever she’s been moved to is dim and musty.
As she slowly comes to, a pair of voices stir around her soupy consciousness.
“Just how hard did you hit her head, Rainbow?”
“Will you chillax, Applejack? She’s fine. Look, she’s waking up!”
“Good thing too. I’m bustin’ a sweat over here try’na hold this in.”
Auburn focuses her eyes at last to see Rainbow Dash alongside another pony—an orange mare with Sandy pigtails and a brown leather hat atop her freckled face.
But that’ll have to wait. Auburn surveys her surroundings. She’s in some kind of barn if the hay and the smell are anything to go by. Now she thinks of it, she’d always noticed that red barn up on the hill, surrounded by orchard. Sweet Apple Acres… is that the name?
Besides her rustic location Auburn is quick to notice it’s now nighttime. Through a slight crack in the barn doors she sees the twinkle of stars—they feel even more distant than usual. Crickets chirrup in the fields and a nightly wind rattles the barn doors ever so slightly.
“Wakey wakey!” Dash hawks and propels a glob of warm spit at her new plaything. That’s enough to jump her awake.
“Mmph? Mmph!”
And that’s the next thing Auburn notices: there’s a gag in her mouth. An enormous apple, to be precise. Going to pull it out, she finds her limbs to be restricted too; bound in rope. Extra tight. Whoever trussed her up knows a thing or two about knots.
“Relax, sugar.” The orange one purrs, a little too casual given the circumstances. “Rainbow Dash here was tellin’ me all about yer special talent. We’re jus’ gonna have us some fun, nothin’ to fret over.”
“Yeah! I figured, hey! A pony with a talent for whiffin’ air biscuits, why not put that nose of yours to the test? And Applejack here jumps at a chance to fart on ponies just as much as me!”
“Sure do! Pleasure t’meet you, Sugarcube! Ain’t every day you find a pony whose special talent is, well…” She gestures to Auburn’s cutie mark.
“Shucks, if my little sister wound up with a cutie mark like that granny’d have her packin’ for Manehattan faster than you could say bean and apple burritos!”
The two chuckle together, leering at their new pet.
Auburn’s mind races with the most horrific explanations for why she’s tied up in Applejack’s barn. She’d always heard stories about crazy ponies kidnapping young mares that were never heard from again. Horrific tales of fine-natured city ponies that wandered a little too far into bumpkin territory and were snatched up by a band of horny farmers.
Dash can see Auburn getting worked up and decides to explain herself. “See, me and AJ here like to compete over everything. Even passing gas!” They share a playful glance, “You ever hear of a fart contest, Auburn?”
Fart contest? She could maybe remember doing something like that when she was a very young filly, but the idea of grown mares engaging in such a juvenile pastime is questionable if not downright shameful.
“And Dashie’s still sore ‘bout losin’ every other poot-off we done. Ain’t that right, lil’ miss squeaky butt?”
“My farts are not squeaky, okay?”
“Squeak squeak!” She mocks. Dash looks about ready to pump one off on HER, but gathers herself and remembers why you’re all here.
“Talk smack all you want! I’m gonna wipe the floor with you this time!”
“That so? Heck of a pair of dumplin’s you got on you there!”
“You bet! This time we’ve got a judge, a real one! Auburn here’s gonna prove once and for all who’s got the raunchiest butt blasts!”
“And how’s that?”
“First one to knock her unconscious is the winner. Sound fair to you?”
“Darn tootin’!” Applejack really emphasizes that second word, winking at their non-consenting arbiter with a cruel grin. “And what’s the prize?”
Dash thinks about it for a second, looking right at Auburn. Her lips form a smirk, “Winner gets to keep her for a week!”
“Shucks, havin’ an extra pair of nostrils round here’d really come in useful when I got gas.” She’s sure to turn to Auburn for this next bit: “An’ I always got gas!”
“Alright, alright. Enough talking. You ready to get ripping?”
“Oh, I’m good and ready. Guzzled ten of those cans before you showed up, Dash. It’s like my belly’s on fire and everything wants out!”
She fires off a tuneful burp into Dash’s face that presumably reeks of those beans she mentioned. It’s a perfect taunt, causing the Pegasus to flinch and ready her wings.
“Ugh. Not cool.”
The cowgirl turns to the side and it’s only then that Auburn catches sight of her stomach. Good gravy! She almost looks pregnant with how swollen the thing is. Auburn just shudders thinking of how much fuel she’s storing in that tank.
Auburn can’t shake the horrible feeling that Applejack has some sort of sick, twisted passion for flatulence. It’s like she goes out of her way to rip the biggest, gnarliest ones possible and she’s about to demonstrate that ability right to her vulnerable nose.
“I’ll give ya the first shot. Wanna see what I’m up against. Let’s hope they ain’t as weak as last time, huh?”
“I told you that was an off day.” Dash straightens up, sticking her nose in the air so it doesn’t look like AJ’s insults are getting to her.
Before Auburn can prepare she’s on her in a flash—her renown for being speedy is no joke.
Auburn doesn’t even have time to take a breath before there’s grimy Pegasus butthole rubbing against her snout.
She wipes some more awful grease off onto her nostrils before flexing her wings and getting ready.
“Three… two… one!”
PLLAARRP!!
Fire in the hole! Dash’s incendiary blast is like a flashbang of wind and stench. Just like earlier the force of it blows Auburn’s mane back, superheating her face but only for a moment. She chases that first blast with a smaller pop, before wiping her anus on her victim again and leaving her to deal with the smell.
Which… as expected, is pretty darn terrible. It’s not that much worse than what she endured earlier, like rotting veggies with a dash of sour eggs. It may not be toxic but it really lingers by her nose. She turns her head to the side and there it is. To the other side, and it’s there just as strong. Eventually she just holds her breath and prays that it’ll pass.
“If that’s the best you got this’ll be a cakewalk!” Applejack jibes and struts over to Auburn, something that evidently takes a bit of effort with her massive bloated gut.
“Hey! That was a good one!”
“It was plenty loud, but, ahh~” she hoists her fat, freckled rump around onto Auburn’s face. Everything goes dark and muggy, “Lemme show ya how it’s really done!”
There’s a warm well of moisture collected in AJ’s crack. Auburn can tell just with one whiff of the sweaty ass that she’s been toiling in the fields for hours; she can feel spots where it’s dried off in the heat and others that are still fresh and soggy.
But beyond the horrific state of this cowgirl’s tush there’s the noise of her guts roaring. They’re cooking up a mean one and poor Auburn’s nostrils are the only place for it to go.
Applejack pushes with all her might, and the hold on her sphincter comes loose.
At first, there’s a false start. Just a tiny wet croak that has Rainbow Dash smirking from the peanut gallery.
After giving it a bit more wallop, though, Applejack’s anus explodes into action.
A flood of burbling fury empties into Auburn’s face. It’s like getting a cheek massage from a jacuzzi, only this one’s horrendously greasy and sounds like a dying wildebeest.
AJ’s cheeks jiggle as her impressively long fart thunders against Auburn’s face. Though it may dip up and down in pitch, it shows absolutely no signs of stopping.
If her vision weren’t obstructed by sweaty applebutt, she’d see even Rainbow Dash is awestruck at this one. She’s starting to wonder if she really trained herself hard enough, listening to this record breaking thunderstorm pour out of her hick friend’s backside.
It isn’t long before Auburn has to take a breath. The stench is like a sentient blob of horseradish ate a lifetime supply of beans, washed it down with five quarts of hotdog water and finished all that off with a bushel of rotten apples.
Auburn gags into AJ’s swampy crack, convulsing in agony. The only mercy is that few seconds later her astonishing gale comes to a low, bubbly halt.
In reality, it only lasted about thirteen seconds, but to Auburn (and Dash) it felt thrice as long.
Dash is quite visibly shaken by it, but still trying to act like she’s unimpressed.
“Yeah, yeah, but length isn’t everything!”
“Hah. Alrighty then.” She finally lifts the weight off the Auburn’s face, which is now soaking wet. She’s not sure if it’s from the sweat or the fart, or whether either of those would really be preferable to the other.
As Applejack marches back to her friend Auburn can’t help but notice her belly is just a little bit smaller.
“Hoo-ee! Sheesh, I feel ten pounds lighter! Surprised I didn’t blow the barn to smithereens wit’ that one!”
“If you’re done showing off I’ve got a bad one ready to blow!”
“All yours, partner!”
Applejack steps aside, leaving Dash enough room to swagger up and flip her tush. Auburn’s actually feeling a little relieved to have a break from Applejack. It seems like there’s already a clear winner here. One more megafart like that last one and she’ll be out like a light.
Things suddenly seem a little less one-sidedly awful when Rainbow Dash shunts her ass back into Auburn’s face, knocking it against the wall of the barn. She bashes her a second time before biting her lip and squeezing off a scorching rip.
PFWEEEEEEEEP!
Dash cuts her squeaker off, her face erupting into a bright blush. Applejack holds back a snicker and keeps watching.
“Sh-Shut up!” Rainbow snaps, tensing her wings to push out something that hopefully sounds less humiliating.
By pressing her plot against Auburn’s muzzle she’s able to produce a hard buzz.
It may not match up to Applejack’s pure bass but it’s loud enough, and drones on for longer than expected.
Dash’s face twists into a montage of effort and pleasure, eyes squinting and teeth clenching into a grimace. It takes every bit of her skill to keep it from ending prematurely. The power wanes every few seconds but it keeps strong.
The duration of this beast is the least of Auburn’s worries, though, because the nostril-piercing reek of it is like taking a whiff from a portal straight to the depths of Tartarus.
Auburn’s olfactory is corrupted by a flow of pure sulphuric venom. It’s a burnt, rotten, eggy nightmare and she’s right in the middle of it.
Applejack’s brows slowly lift. She’s counting the seconds in her head and can’t deny it’s a worthy followup to her last fart. That, and she clearly notices Auburn’s resistance growing more and more desperate.
After an astonishing fifteen seconds Dash tapers off, and the Pegasus slumps forward onto the hay-scattered floor with a dreamy, tongue-drooping sigh.
“Aw, yeah… that’s what I’m talkin’ about…”
Applejack’s actually a little shaken.
A devious growl swirls inside her gut and she decides to move things along.
“Alrighty, you finished? I already gotta lay another stinker!”
“Ahhh… yup, all done! Let’s see you do better than that!” Dash steps aside to let her friend strut forward.
What Applejack isn’t expecting is to walk right into an eggy ambush. The lingering haze of her friend’s whirlwind sends her into a coughing frenzy.
“Holy smokes, Dash! Eeugh! You been eatin’ pig manure or somethin’?” She grabs her hat from her head and fans the miasma back at Auburn.
All Rainbow Dash can do is ruffle her wings and feel rather high and mighty.
“Like I’m gonna tell you my secret ingredients for major gas bombs!”
Through all of this Auburn has been barely clinging on. Applejack’s fart bowled her over and Dash’s just about sucked the remaining life out of her. She pitifully whines into her gag and stares up in horror as Applejack’s fat freckled pillows turn to face her again.
“Lean in, missy. Liiiitle more. Perfect! Hnnng-!”
BWWWAAAP
She grunts, and another powerhouse rippler blasts Auburn in the face. It’s loud, it’s crude, but unfortunately for Applejack it’s barley three seconds long.
Still, the familiar pain of it washes over their judge once more, bringing tears to her eyes. The air around her is thick with fermented apples and oniony, digested beans, and to make matters worse there’s still a tinge of Rainbow Dash’s gut brew refusing to dissipate.
“That’s it?”
“Laugh it up, weather girl. They can’t all be winners.”
“Oh, this is in the bag!”
Dash doesn’t even give her friend a chance to shift before turning her ass on Auburn again. The need to cut one is just too desperate, and the moment her rump slips in next to Applejack’s a feint hiss steeps the front of Auburn’s face.
Ffssssss~
“Darn, that sucked.”
“Haw! Watch an’ learnhhhrrggh-!!”
BRRRRNNMP!
The booming gust takes Auburn by surprise. She’s only just getting over Dash’s silent but deadly when the hot, bellowing fart rushes past her face and snaps her away from the brink of unconsciousness. The combined cocktail of both mare’s essence is, as expected, utterly foul. She tries to pull her head back but only knocks it into the wall.
With every breath her head grows lighter and lighter. It’s already swimming. She’s not sure how much longer she can hold on.
“Shucks, that stinks!”
Dash retorts with a knife-sharp zipping tail-flapper, pushing her pucker back to kiss the tip of Auburn’s snout and inject it with pure death.
AJ returns fire only a second later, moaning slightly to herself as the quaking release showers Auburn in sweat.
It’s a violent one, and despite Dash’s best efforts she’s then only able to cough up a tiny wet puff in response.
Though puny, sensory-wise it feels like being battered by an unruly bowling ball.
“Haha! What in tarnation was that, Dash?”
“Bite me!”
Applejack’s pride is extinguished when her next volley rolls out between her haunches like a sodden firecracker; tickling Auburn’s snout with but a few measly crackles.
“Doggone it...”
Dash rubs her sphincter into Auburn’s face, breaking loose a fluttery pffrrrrrt.
“Beat that!”
“Easy as pie, nngh!”
From here the contestants keep good pace, each looking back over their shoulder after gassing Auburn to check if she’s succumbed to their barrage or not.
Gradually, it all starts to become a blur.
It’s one fart after the next, and the more Auburn inhales the closer to unconsciousness her mind descends. The only way she can even keep track of who’s riding her face is the difference in tone and stench.
Auburn crinkles up at a melodic eggy toot from Rainbow Dash, which is then immediately followed by earthy thunder from her opponent that reeks of fertilizer and expired corn. AJ really puts her all into this one, sweat running down her crack and all over Auburn’s complexion.
It putters on. Low, menacing, foggy. In her delirium Auburm likens the sound of it to a growling bear, only this is much more threatening.
And that does it. Auburn sucks down that final fatal breath and slips into slumber. It’s only five seconds later when Applejack’s reverberating wind rumbles to a stop that she sighs and turns to look at their mediator.
Auburn’s slumped forward, snoring.
“Yeehaw!” Applejack rears up and fires off one last bassy toot in celebration.
“Crap.” Rainbow kicks the ground and turns away, “I was sure I had her!”
“Better luck next time.”
Applejack takes her lasso between her teeth and flicks it through the air, fastening the unconscious Auburn in the hoop.
“Could ya help me untie her? All that flank-rippin’s got me awful sleepy, reckon I’ll catch an early night with lil’ missy here stuffed under the covers.”
Though Dash feels defeated at another loss, she brushes it off as best she can and tries to be a good sport. “Sheesh.” She grimaces, starting to loosen the binds from Auburn’s front hooves, “Dutch oven on her first night? That’s hardcore.”
“Did you see how long she lasted? Hoo boy, this mare can take it! I ain’t gonna be giving her no slack, neither.” An orange hoof caresses her motionless face, “That pretty lil’ snout’s gonna be flush to mah patootie from dawn till dusk. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised none if by the end of the week I got her beggin’ fer more.”
“Oh yeah?” Dash pauses, rope in her teeth. A sly grin creeps across her face, “You wanna bet?”
Applejack’s own mouth curls nto an equally sinister smirk. “I’m listenin’...”
