Sentio, Ergo Sum

by stillwedding

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad
Length: 9847

After seeing Twilight’s facade finally crack from a dangerous dive, Starlight is determined to help her friend redefine how to live; like how Twilight had once taught her.

I feel, therefore I am.

After seeing Twilight’s facade finally crack from a dangerous dive, Starlight is determined to help her friend redefine how to live; like how Twilight had once taught her. 

Published 2022-08-04 04:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-10-16 19:58:26 UTC

Head First

EIGHT WEEKS PRIOR

“Another Trip to Canterlot?” Starlight Glimmer asked after seeing Twilight adjust her saddle bag. They were the new ones Rarity had crafted for her after seeing her friend’s more frequent trips outside the town. ‘You need a more sturdy bag, darling, all the weight on the poor fabric, oh my!’ she recalled Rarity cry.

Twilight paused, turning her head to meet Starlight’s impending gaze. Her eyebrows furrowed upon seeing the underlying somber expression within Twilight’s characteristic vibrant amethyst eyes. The untrained observer could’ve easily shrugged it to be a trick of the light from the evening’s storm.

She considered her answer for a moment, “It’s different this time.”

Starlight let out a scoff, “Really?” she laughed in disbelief, “Seriously, Twilight I don’t understand how you don’t get sick of all the paperwork Princess Celestia makes you do,” she spat.

Twilight shook her head and smiled as if to lecture a student, she must have picked it up from the princess, Starlight thought, “The well-being of Equestria rests upon a few words on ink.”

“That’s frightening.”

“Bureaucracy.” Twilight reiterated and chucked a deep empty sound. Her horn glowed, and the doors opened revealing the harsh storm awaiting.

“When will you be back?” Starlight asked.

“I don’t know,” she limply admitted. “But I have everything covered for the next three months-”

“MONTHS?” Starlight interrupted. She closed her eyes shut, not being able to look at the pony in front of her. “Twilight, this is ridiculous.”

“Starlight.”

“No. I don’t want to hear your reasoning,” Starlight injected and frowned trying to mask her imminent anger at her friend. She looked at her face, her eyes wandered every surface, every crease, every feature, scanning for any signs of regret. A sign that she was regretting leaving. A sign that she at least knew her absence would impact the ponies around her. Ponies who had been relying on her to be present.

Inhale. Exhale. “You’re forgetting that I enjoy it,” Twilight mustered.

“It can’t be healthy!” Starlight yelled, making the princess flinch. She never raised her voice at Twilight.

“Starlight, I’m fine.” Twilight spoke evenly, her voice unwavering even after the outburst.

“How many more nights?”

Twilight spun back to look directly at Starlight's face showing a sudden crease of a mix of confusion and anticipation, “What?” The question hit her like a slap to the face. She was scared.

“How many more sleepless nights?” Starlight jabbed, taking a step towards her friend, though it felt like no distance had been bridge compared to the fissure that had been forming months ago. “How many more uneaten meals? How many more episodes?” Each point was delivered with great veracity, it dug deep into Twilight and stung like venom.

Moving even closer to her, their faces just centimeters apart, searching her face once more, “What is your breaking point?” Starlight softly said, finally ceasing her berate.

Those were the things Starlight wanted to say. Even with her skill as a master wielder of magic, it wasn't enough, she still couldn’t help her friend, despite how desperate she became. If she had just been wiser than the untrained observers that surrounded her friend then perhaps, she could have been more useful. Instead, she hadn’t even seen Twilight out of the castle. Had she known they would be separated for weeks would she have pushed harder and urged Twilight to stop?

☆ ☆ ☆

After many, many weeks aboard. The only thing that consistently accompanied her was the whispers that followed her reminding her of her position and duty. Even now travelling alone in a lone train cart she could hear the whispers. The gossip. The blinded faith everyone had placed on her.

Princess Twilight Sparkle sighed, her eyes wandered over to the window next to her, where she stared intently at the vitriol town outside and the darkening sky. It was an old dingy abandoned village with the only purpose to serve as a familiar landmark that would tell her that it would be an hour until she would be back home.

The very thought of the small town of Ponyville made her whole being turn. The quill that was suspended in midair threatened to snap from the stress of the magic encasing it.

Twilight snapped away from the town as it was now too far back to even recall and instead cast a melancholy gaze at the blank parchment in front of her. Words seemed to fail her in the last few weeks. Every word, or rather, lack of a word, continued the fissure. A deep and foreign fissure. Crumbling the paper and shoving it back into her saddle bag, and hastily thought they don’t deserve that. It was too late to write anything to them now.She would be seeing them in less than an hour anyway. They could excuse her lack of letters. They could excuse anything. Or rather anything can be excused.

There were much more vital things that they would rather hear her say. Much better things they’d happily listen to instead of the latter she even dared to consider.

Twilight allowed herself to rest her head safely on the cushion next to her, with the reassurance that no one could ever see her as tired as she was at this moment.

☆ ☆ ☆

“Sir! When does the train from Canterlot arrive?!” Pinkie yelled, practically grabbing the train station staff by his collar.

“Aah, in a few moments, ma’am,” he answered politely with a weary smile. Pinkie let go of him and let out an exaggerated groan. The whole town groaned as well.

The small station was overflowing with ponies, from all over Equestria to welcome their Princess home. Ponyville has always been a bustling town, especially over the years it had almost become a tourist attraction. Yer ye, yer ye, come to the town where the heroes of Equestria humbly reside. Except now the excitement and anticipation in the air were almost too suffocating.

Rarity placed a reassuring hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder, “Oh dear, Twilight has been gone for a while so I am fairly certain that we can wait a little longer for her return.”

Pinkie’s anger at the train station staff faded immediately upon hearing Rarity’s inclination, “You’re right! Either way, she’ll have the best return party ever!” She beamed, and the whole town rallied and cheered at the prospect. Hearing the sound of the very train they were waiting for they began to roar even louder.

As the train halted to a complete stop the doors opened, and as soon as they saw the shadow of a figure they all know and love everyone dropped down into a low and respectful bow before Ponyville erupted in an uproar.

“You’re back!” Pinkie Pie cried, lunging herself onto the young princess.

“It’s good to see you too, Pinkie,” Twilight replied warmly, returning the hug. When she let go she felt herself drown in the weight of the rest of her friends. Feeling their embrace, the anxiety she felt on the train instantly disappeared.

From the Princesses, Earth ponies, Pegasus, and Unicorns, Equestria came together to celebrate one sole pony and her successful triumph after weeks of battle.

Everyone was deeply, deeply proud. And all they were running on was a blinded pride.

“Ahem,” she cleared her voice, commanding the attention of the ponies around her. “As much as I would love to stay and celebrate, I do have to get things in order first,” Twilight announced to the crowd, pulling herself off from the very welcoming ponies.

“Same old Twilight,” Rainbow Dash said and jokingly nudged the side of her body with her elbow. Twilight sheepishly nodded in response to the routine gag towards her and excused herself. With a bright glow of her horn, she teleported away.

Feeling the smooth, cold, crystal beneath her hooves she opened her eyes and breathed in the empty hollow halls of her castle.

Starlight halted her pacing when she saw her friend materialize in front of her, “Twilight!” she said acknowledging her return home. The first thing she noticed was the deepened eye bags under her friend’s eyes.

She frowned at the fatigue. It was the irony that when things should not have been off at the slightest, Starlight could sense that something was.

“Hey, Starlight,” she replied a bit awkwardly. “We’re expecting some guests, Pinkie is only giving me five minutes of a relief period to get my bags home before I’m dragged out again,” Twilight laughed bitterly.

“Thanks for the heads up,” Starlight said. “But I was expecting that, Pinkie came over last week to decorate,” she explained, pointing at the large pinata plastered with the face of Caligo, the villain whom she defeated days ago, above them.

“Oh great,” she murmured, which prompted Starlight to shoot Twilight, a concerned expression. A sudden thought came to her, Yikes, she definitely doesn’t like the pinata. Poor Pinkie, she made it herself, it’s hard to find merchandise of malicious centipedes, Starlight grimaced. But before she could say anything to justify the decoration Twilight was already making her way upstairs.

Starlight frowned at her absence again. It was the first time she was home in Ponyville in a while. It was the first time she was close to her again and actually within reach. Not on some business trip to Canterlot, or off fighting mysterious threats. Starlight felt that it was all going to start back up, piling herself in work, travelling outside of the town, and being absent again. Both physically and emotionally. Though she was here now, she knew that it wouldn’t be long until she overworks herself again and repeats the brutal cycle.

She signed, turning to face the door and began to count, “Three…two…one,” and smiled when she heard the castle doors burst. Just like they rehearsed, the celebrations were brought into the castle. She greeted everyone until she was dragged to the ballroom by Trixie.

Everyone marveled at Pinkie Pie’s brilliance. She had truly outdone herself if that was even possible. It was a spectacular party. From the timing of the party cannons, the colour of the streamers, the volume of the music, the banner of her face, everything was perfect. Not a single flaw. Not a single mistake for Twilight.

Inside the ballroom, the guests waited in anticipation, hush whispers were exchanged adding to the excitement in the atmosphere.

The door creaked.

“Here’s our hero!” Pinkie yelled, as soon as Twilight entered the ballroom the party patrons cheered. She waved the comment off dismissively.

“Care for a drink, Princess?” Applejack said, offering her a jug of cider.

Starlight summoned all her strength to bite her tongue when Twilight actually accepted the drink with her magic. She might as well have bitten her tongue off seeing her actually take a sip of it. It was implausible to see her drink.

“The one thing I truly missed the most were the apples from Sweet Apple Acres,” Twilight said which prompted Applejack to beam.

Starlight however was still hung over the exchange. She didn’t understand why Twilight would take the cider.

“...The night is still young,” Twilight said, smiling as she gazed across the crowd addressing the citizens of Ponyville, practically everyone was in the room, “I suggest everyone take advantage of this and party to their heart's content!”

“We love you Princess Twilight!” Someone screamed in the distance, Twilight smoothly waved them off creating more party-goers to cheer at the humble gesture. Her immediate smile was wiped clean off before being screwed into place as another pony pulled her into a conversation.

As Pinkie Pie and the rest of Equestria cheered and laughed at the vanquished villain, Twilight merely nodded. Agreed to be pulled limb to limb on all the sides of the room. They may have grabbed her hooves and felt her flesh but her mind was always elsewhere. She was almost robotic. Mindlessly agreeing to everything brought to her, mindlessly dragging her hooves and mind where she was expected to go not necessarily where she wanted to go.

“...Truly remarkable work, Princess, Equestria’s debt to you just seems to keep piling onto itself,” The Fillydelphia ambassador lightly laughed.

“Princess Celestia will need an even bigger reward than wings to compensate for your constant hard work!” The Cloudsdale delegate chimed in.

The circle laughed.

Twilight smiled, “No-no, it’s my duty, I enjoy serving Equestria. Your efforts aren't something to look past either Bright Wing, nor is yours Flash Wave. Without your leadership and skill as phenomenal diplomats, I could never fulfilled my role as an Equestrian Princess. Who we should always be celebrating are the representatives that constantly strive for unity.”

“Oh shucks, Princess, the rumours were true, you are diligent with your words!”

Twilight gave an uncharacteristic chuckle accepting the compliment, something she had learned from years of observing Princess Celestia.

Starlight always noticed that being agreeable was just easier for her. Being mindless was something she needed to do. Twilight emphasized and tried her best to be at the very least, amicable. Even if that had meant giving the most shallow compliments and the most hollow laughs.

Although she was the headpiece of the nation she seemed almost annoyed to be the center of attention this particular night.

Though she carried herself well, admittedly even seamlessly, Starlight couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off about her friend. Rather it was because she was carrying herself too well that she couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling.

Starlight still had her glaze on Twilight when she excused herself from the increasingly large circle of Equestrian diplomats, delegates, and ambassadors. She noticed her smile instantly vanished as soon as she thought their eyes had left her.

“STARLIGHT!” Someone yelled beside her, snapping her right out of her daze.

“What? Yeah?” Starlight hastily replied, meeting to turn her full attention back to Trixie. Though she wished she would have continued looking at Twilight to avoid being met with a glare from her best friend.

Trixie frowned, “So you weren’t paying attention!”

Starlight shook her head, “No-no, I was just… distracted!” she said adding a small laugh that turned out to be more awkward than charming.

Trixie rolled her eyes at her excuse and followed her gaze, she didn’t need to follow the line of Starlight’s sight, everyone in the room had their eyes on Twilight Sparkle. Trixie saw Twilight talking to what must’ve been some sort of delegate from Manehatten and smiled, “She’s really something, huh?’’

Starlight really snapped out of her daze when she heard that confession, “Wait, did I hear you- did I just hear you compliment-”

“Don’t tell her I said that!” Trixie hushed quickly, cutting Starlight off. “I didn’t say anything!” Trixie reiterated crossing her arms with a pout.

Starlight slowly nodded, giving her a cheeky smile before turning her attention back to Twilight while Trixie went off to get some more fruit punch.

However, when she turned back to trail Twilight again a sudden burst of streamers came raining down from Pinkie’s cannon, and the crowd looked in delight, “Who’s ready for a conga line!” She heard Pinkie yell. Everyone cheered as they gathered towards the center of the room.

“Where’s Twilight?” She heard Spike say in the distance. The crowd murmured almost coming close to panic when Pinkie spoke up again.

“That pony is so sneaky,” Pinkie said, spinning her disappearance as an inside joke between friends. “Hey Starlight, go find her, tell her that we’re going to be serving cake soon!” Everyone began to cheer again, and the concern that was in the air evaporated.

Starlight frowned quickly leaving the party to find Twilight.

“Tell her that she needs to be the one to slice the cake too!” She heard Pinkie cry out in the distance.

Stepping outside of the reception area. The castle was completely silent save for the echo of her steps on the cold crystal to keep her company.

There were only two rooms Twilight could’ve gone to. Her bedroom and the library.

Teleporting quickly to the library first she was met with grim darkness. The library hadn’t been opened in days.

Teleporting to Twilight’s room she was also met with darkness, except for the rustle of the curtain and the open doors leading to the balcony and the night sky, encasing the room in a subtle glow from the reflection of the crystal structure.

Curiously, Starlight stepped closer, overlooking the balcony she squinted her eyes to make out the slight figure of an alicorn flying off. There was only one alicorn in Ponyville.

With the use of her levitation, she swiftly followed her.

Keeping up with Twilight was easy. She wasn't flying very fast, seemingly more so interested in prolonging her journey if anything.

Eventually, they ended up in a secluded part of Ponyville. Starlight had actually taken her kite out to fly it on more than one occasion.

At that point Starlight had lost track of Twilight, the mist within the clouds made it hard to see let alone pinpoint her exact location. Until a shadow caught her eye because it was plummeting to the ground at speeds even a Wonderbolt would have trouble keeping up with.

Starlight was frozen.

Did she really fall?

Her hooves seemed to move before her mind could register the fact Twilight was falling. She was running at a breakneck speed. Too stunned to do anything else, all she knew is that she needed to run. Until her thoughts caught up to her and it clicked that her efforts would not prevent the incoming impact.

Starlight helplessly watched clinging onto the gravel as she watched Twilight diving closer and closer to the water below.

“TWILIGHT!” She screamed out though it was deafened by the loud crash that ranged when she made an impact with the water. Foolishly she had hoped her words could provoke an abrupt change of course. Foolishly, she always hoped her words would reach her friend instead of being trapped inside her throat.

☆ ☆ ☆

What am I doing? Twilight thought before she closed her eyes and became consumed by the cold water below her.

She almost forgot where she was, all she felt was the water washing away every ounce of her troubles. The burdensome thoughts that had plagued her for months now seemed to slow until nothing remained, it too drowned in the water she wallowed in. Water. Cold. Were the only things she could focus on.

The events of the battle, the anguish, anger, panic, and more painfully, helplessness she felt all culminate and bubbled up. If she hadn’t pushed herself under, her worries would have most definitely drowned her. She felt none of it now. None of the weight.

When she emerged and inhaled the oxygen deeply through her nose, her whole body shook, her teeth rattled and her hooves wandered trying to cling onto anything to stabilize their owner. She greedily took gulps of air as she felt herself being dragged out of the water. She heard her name be repeated to her to ground her, it reminded her who she was.

Twilight felt the gravel below and blinked away the painful feeling from the probing water she had immersed herself in mere seconds ago.

She weakly looked up, making out the subtle silhouette of her dear friend, “Starlight?” she croaked.

Starlight hugged Twilight upon hearing her frail, quiet, voice, she clung to Twilight harder when she saw the void in her eyes. It was a lifeless fixed stare. An emptiness she didn’t know a pony had the capabilities to produce. As she looked more intently into Twilight’s dull eyes there was something she could not confer.

In the tight embrace, the warmth of Starlight's body slowly seeped into hers. She was now crying, which only made Starlight yearn to reach out beyond the hug and into her consciousness, her heart, and head, to rip out everything that was troubling her.

And then she hears, so close to her ear that it is as if the voice is originating inside her own head, Starlight’s soft whispers, “Everything’s going to be okay. I got you, I’m here now.”

Twilight was so cold in her warm embrace. So, so cold.

Author's Note

I re-wrote this single chapter at least four times in the span of two days and every time I wrote it differently because I'm currently in the mince of attempting to switch up my writing style. However, I think that also tanked this chapter. Though it has its flaws, I still believe this version is the best in conveying what the rest of the story needs. I hope you can bear with me as I find a comfortable tone to tell this story in! :)

Prisoner to a Formula

SIX WEEKS PRIOR

What would Celestia think of me if she saw me now?

Battered and bruised. She gritted her teeth, flying started to hurt now. Collapsing to the ground she huffed. Everything hurts. She laid on the ground, and just blinked, staring deeply at her opponent, her eyes almost begging for mercy. But the funny thing was that she was perfectly capable of moving away, she was perfectly capable of ending the battle now. Then why was she so still and stagnant?

Twilight coughed from the sharp sudden pain she felt in her chest. His attacks were powerful, she would admit that much, but they were poorly aimed. Though they were concealed by the dark backdrop of their battlefield, Twilight could feel the aura the blasts produce just in time to move out of the way.

Except the first attack landed, that was how she knew to try and not get hit because damn it, it hurt. And it seemingly came out of nowhere because of the wispy shadows obscuring it, it didn't help that the hindrance of her vision caused her to panic, and when the impact came she was rendered impotent.

Initially, when she came to Canterlot and heard about the villain she was actually thankful for Caligo’s odd quirk. He was an evil being that plagued Pony’s dreams and polluted them with dark thoughts. A nuisance to Luna at most. Still what irked the Princesses was the fact he had the ability to isolate ponies, pick them out of a group and pull them into the realm of shadows.

Caligo seemed more interested in toying with ponies than hurting them. Still, he disrupted harmony and harmony happened to be Twilight’s assigned area of expertise.

The trap they had set went swimmingly, and now she was in a dark shadow realm with only her horn light to keep her company and sane.

And though she was scared at the beginning of their encounter she began to feel gratitude for the location of their exchange. Because it was only on this dark battlefield where no one else can see, that she can finally admit that she was tired. Very, very tired.

Another blast dashed towards her and she defected it swiftly with a shock wave of her own magic, purposefully amping up the strength of the defense so that when it clashed with the dark blow it would create an array of light.

Magenta filled them and she briefly saw how unscathed Caligo was from the light. His cold fixed stare eyed her keenly. Twilight flinched, and the helplessness she felt finally seeped in. She was wholly alone, agonizing in pain, and now her own enemy seemed unamused with her.

Why is it so damn difficult to just get up and continue? Why am I struggling? What would they think of me? It should have been self-explanatory, something she should instinctively know how to do but it was just so hard. Twilight groaned, and picked herself up, again.

Twilight started to regret not taking up Rainbow Dash’s offer to learn martial arts. ‘Now that you’re a Princess who knows who’s out to get you!’ Perhaps if she had been more preventative rather than reactive the situation could've been vastly different.

She had bitten off more than she could chew.

Twilight had always been too eager to please. For her, the greed and drive for success became a drug. More. Always more. The urge for success, to become a success deluded her. It blinded her until the rush became less and less fulfilling. Until the addiction became more of a chore.

The way she saw it was compared to a prisoner. A prisoner to a formula. A formula she crafted herself. And now to say she was tired would have been a massive understatement.

But the irony was that she couldn't help but pursue this convention. She followed this principle as if it was her lifeline, like an axiom, whose structure is always based and unwavering. Perhaps if she kept going like this she could prove the axiom of equality. The elusive equation that states x will always equal x: ‘things which are equal to the same thing are also equal to each other.’

It struck her as something to envy. To her, It was also something to behold, simply beautiful, like one of Rarity’s dresses, because it remained unwavering. The concept that allows intrinsic balance in life, to the point of almost being reassuring.

So she becomes consumed in upholding this structure. Leading Twilight to continue chasing and indulging until she finally breaks.

But what else was she going to do? Have all of her accomplishments and victories come to a sudden halt? Celestia would have a field day hearing all the nobles say that she was a waste of a title. A waste of time. A waste of potential.

So now collecting awards, titles and praise became a regular routine. Having her achievements pile up and on full display for anyone but herself to boast about was really the only thing reminding her that she still was who she is. That she still deserved the mantle and every single word of acclaim no matter if she had felt utterly empty upon hearing them.

She really was an ill-prepared Princess. Who only seems to foolishly think that if she surrounded herself with work, operating a whole school, the wonders of being Crowned Princess and just kept chasing that it would keep herself from the raging despair and shame.

Until she becomes too worn to even dodge an attack she knows she can.

Another attack. Another deflection. Another glimpse of hopelessness. Try and get up. Get up. GET UP. GET UP. GET UP.

Repeat.

“I was almost excited when I captured you here. Because you fought back,” he said. “Not many ponies would recognize what was going on. So I commend you for your effort, however strange it may be." The last comment stung, revealing the hint of sarcasm he hid.

“Excited?” Twilight asked, her voice coming out enduringly. “You find this torment exciting?”

“Well, of course,” he chuckled, it echoed throughout the chamber. Twilight had no energy to snap back. Because earnestly the last thing she wanted to do was fight some shadow monster. But her craving for a will was like a hollow pit that never seemed to be filled. Not even after accomplishments, after accomplishments, it was still a void.

Her muscles started to ache and her thoughts felt like a heavy fog was impeding her ability to reason. All she could recall were not spells to defeat her enemy. But rather a sheer regret. Regret taking up this stupid and prolonging chore.

Celestia and Luna were concerned for her, more concerned for her well-being than she was for herself. ‘Twilight, I know this task will be difficult without the strength of your friends with you but you have my full faith and trust. I trust you will come home safe.”

‘Don’t worry about me, Princess, it’ll be fine.’ Twilight didn’t have the valor to disagree with Celestia. To dissent by saying that she preferred that it was like this. Because now in the dark she wasn’t bound by her role, she didn’t have to doubt that she deserved admiration.

“You were so energetic at the start,” He said, his corporeal being crawling closer to her. His one hundred and one legs made a slight tapping noise as they did. He spread his wings, which shared the same characteristics as a dragon's. Caligo towered over her.

Twilight charged another blast of magic, her horn throbbed from the strain before discharging it at the centipede monster. If she hadn’t tanked the first couple of hits she might’ve wrapped everything up hours ago, wrapped and packaged with a nice bow delivered straight to Celestia.

That was if she wasn’t so damn tired. If she had the energy to spare. If she even had the capacity to summon an ounce of power.

“Better,” he grunted. Mobilizing another shadow beam he took his time before releasing it. He stared intently into her eyes beckoning her to move.

He was toying with her. He was never interested in a full-fledged fight. He was never interested in seeing ponies hurt physically. Caligo instead, basked in their anguish and now he was leeching off of Twilight’s.

He gave a knowing smile, communicating more than snide words ever could before he launched his attack. It was all too much for her. Twilight quickly rolled to the right avoiding the powerful beam of magic.

Every month, every week, she chose to open her eyes to live another day in the world. And every day without fail the day seemed to fade back into a gray watercolour wash. She was so exhausted from trying. She would lie in bed thinking of reasons to get up and try again.

However, now instead of her comfortable bed, she was lying on the cold rough surface of the ground, certainly ready for her death. Not exactly the ideal spot to contemplate whether or not she should move. The obvious answer was ‘of course! Vanquish the villain while you’re at it!’ but Twilight didn’t have that drive in her anymore. Even after feeling the threat and pain, she didn’t feel anything.

A small filly on a slide at a park had more incentive and motivation than she did.

Twilight winced. Equestria would be so confused if they saw her right now. Why wasn’t the Princess who swore to protect me not doing her job? Why isn’t she moving? This isn't the same pony who banished multiple foes. Why are we putting our faith in her?

A hiccup, a stumble, and a fall were the same thing. Things she couldn't afford to show, to slip that moment of weakness for the whole world to gawk at. Even in the dark, without the peering eyes, her mind raced to what the ponies who admired her would think. She was letting everyone down and they didn't even know.

“I find no enjoyment in this. We’re going in circles,” Caligo said, leaning down to meet his foe.

Twilight blinked, expecting anger to erupt from her being and utilize it to banish her enemy. But the anger wasn’t there. Nor was her ability to want to move out of the way.

She had secretly hoped that after all the villains she had encountered over the years surely they would get easier. And they had. So then why was she having such a hard time? It wasn’t fair at all. Twilight knew she sounded childish, thinking about this as if it was siblings bickering. She could almost hear how pathetic it sounded: ‘I’ve worked so hard and gotten great grades and you gave me the smaller half of the donut?!’ but it was more like: ‘I’ve defeated much tougher opponents and garnered great esteem but now I can’t even get off the ground?’

Twilight was wallowing in self-pity now. The feeling of helplessness becoming too much. It seemed to strain her more than her physical injuries did.

Caligo’s leaned his narrow face up to hers, searching wildly with his cunning eyes, as to inspect her like a map, “I’m confused this was what the god-like Princesses, who ruled for millennia, send? An ill-equipped Princess who barely has the will to move out of the way when she’s perfectly capable of moving?”

Twilight actually laughed at his comment and at the idea of villains getting choosy with who they fight. Villains after villains, conquest after conquest, with her beloved friends. She should be revered! But she wasn’t.

What would her friends think if they had seen her now? What was she even doing lying idly? Would they also doubt her ability? Would they pity her?

‘Even without us we know you’ll kick that centipede's butt!’ she heard Rainbow Dash’s words clearly.

Pinkie Pie threw herself onto her and shook her whole being to the core. Twilight could feel the rattling from her brain hitting the edge of her skull, ‘And once you return home in one piece we will throw you the biggest party ever!’

‘Mhm, we will wait for you, Twilight!’ Fluttershy added.

Rarity nodded, ‘You can do it, darling!’

‘I packed extra apple crumble muffins so you can always regain your energy in an instant, ye hear me?’ Applejack said stuffing a brown paper bag into Twilight’s saddle bag.

‘More importantly, return safely!’ Spike remained and tapped the side of her leg reassuringly.

And though at the time her friend’s encouraging words never reached her she felt the need to uphold them in this instant. It ignited a fire inside the hollow void, making her forgo all doubt and fear for a moment. A moment was all she needed. With all her strength, Her horn flared, burning with enough light to fill the encased shadow realm. Twilight saw the slight upturn of Caligo’s mouth. It was a smile.

“It’s not going to last, you’ll be on the ground again by sunset whether you defeat me or not. Unmoving.”

And that was correct. She would feel the exhaustion all over again. She will feel pointless again and ask herself the same question, ‘What am I even doing.’ But for now, she couldn’t let them down. She never had before.

Author's Note

I'm ripping off the design from that monster dean lady who was in Monsters University for Caligo. So if you were struggling to picture what he looks like, imagine the monster demon from Monsters University...

The will versus want. For Twilight she has a strong desire to get up and continue, but she has no energy to continue. So as she stumbles and falls again, and again she becomes angry. Not at the villain, but rather at herself and her inability to move. And though she may have defeated the villain, the difficulty of simply getting up still remains.

Warmth

Twilight felt the sound of the crash ring from inside her head. As she seeped further down to the abyss the echo of the impact became a distant, vague memory. All she could make out now were the ripples above her before she completely sank deeper into the murky water. The air bubbles she choked out tapered off until there was absolutely nothing left to acknowledge.

She swallowed her scream when the darkness became a bitter reminder of her previous combat and traumas. The nature of the somber bleak water caused her to feel the echo of her heavy breathing and the increasing pummel of her palpitating heartbeat in her very soul. It was all too reminiscent of the eerie arena she tried so desperately to escape.

Her legs were completely immobilized as if cider blockers were attached to them. They pulled her deeper and deeper into the chasm at the bottomless pit of the mysterious body of water she was submerged in. Twilight gasped for breath, taking a considerable amount of effort than the last to simply breathe, something she had done since her existence, she now had to command. Each gulp she took punished her as the screams she withheld in her chest began to strangle her. Regardless, she continued. Consuming anything to ground her, anything to make sense of the lack of a drowning sensation she anticipated. A sensation she almost wished upon rather than trying to remain afloat and knowing it was futile.

She would’ve cried if she could. Instead, she gave up the struggle and closed her eyes completely. Sealing herself from the horrors the environment around her provoked within her conscience. Twilight expected her whole being to sink and eventually deplete her until there was nothing left. Until she couldn’t think anymore, ceasing her existence completely.

Twilight whimpered, pathetically starting to feel incredibly small and insignificant. Her wings wrapped around her body in an attempt to shield her. Until she heard it. Ever so slightly under the berate of her entity was the affection, the whispers of hope. It was so subtle that anyone could have passed it off as her hearing things. Slowly she opened her eyes, to make out any signal of her friend until calling out to her, a plea, “Starlight?”

It was so far away. If she had kept sinking she would’ve definitely missed it. But above her, there was the faint glow of the surface. The hue of deep blue shone. A glow so endearing even from her distance it beckoned to her to come reach for it.

Twilight cast a simple light, the slight glimmer was enough to encase her whole surrounding with bright magenta. The glow clung to her as if it was comforting her. Twilight almost smiled seeing her aura, something so familiar and abiding like her magic encouraged her to swim.

No longer feeling the bounds of concrete on her legs she could hear them clearly. The growing whispers, that soon became so coherent it was almost as if they were with her all along.

Twilight kicked up, her magic staying consistently by her side, never failing her until she finally reached the surface, shooting up from the water and inhaling the salt air of the night.

“It’s good to see you, Twilight Sparkle,” a voice said just above her.

She blinked, blinking away the impending water from her little swim to make out the silhouette of a slender alicorn whose coat mirrored the colour of the night sky before them and mane which captured the essence of the very stars above them perfectly. With her was a sweet smile that bested Celestia’s at this exact moment. Her eyes were calm, yet they were trailing hers, searching for any signs of wear.

Twilight breathed, relief flooding her head allowing her to be relaxed once again, “Luna.”

Princess Luna smiled at the environment they were meeting in. It had been a while since she had gotten the opportunity to enter her dreams. She approached her slowly to the edge of the glistening vast lake and sat beside her, “You haven’t welcomed me back into your nights in a very long time, Twilight Sparkle.”

Twilight looked away, her words shooting a pang of guilt through her. A wall of silence started to begin, creating another strong feeling of distance. A distance Luna moved, metaphorical, mountains to remove. Those embargos on Twilight’s dreams to purposely keep her away were not easy to expel at all. They were elaborate and thoroughly thought out, the slightest enchantment to dispel them warned its caster that they were being tampered with, and more annoyingly, to repair them.

Luna frowned at the sudden cowardice, “It’s not something to be ashamed of, sealing me off, though unexpected is understandable,” she tried to reason, attempting to repel Twilight's avoidance.

Twilight glanced back at the moon-princess, only enough to gauge her sincerity, “Is it really?” she said, giving a muted chuckle, revealing the absurdity she felt of the statement.

“It’s only natural for one to want to hide something so interpersonal such as dreams,” Luna nodded matter-of-factly, keeping her line of sight on the young princess beside her.

She shook her head and averted her solemn eyes once more, “I didn’t mean to, I was so caught up with everything.”

“I disagree. If it were true that so much has been surrounding you, you would not have time to temper with something so minuscule as your dreams. It’s something most ponies oversight. You hadn’t. What you did was calculated. Keeping me out of your slumber was purposeful. I do not want to be deceived again,” Luna firmly stated, giving her a stern stare as soon as she caught Twilight’s remorseful eyes.

She sighed to respite. The approach of regret was not working as she hoped it would have. Her display of ignorance was unsuccessful in fooling her friend. Twilight smirked detaching herself from the exchange to bask in the fact she was unmasked.

“I commend you, really, I do. As soon as there was an opening you took your chance,” Twilight jabbed, though she was angrier at herself than at Luna. It was unfortunate that she was getting the discharge of the indirect apathy. It was her weakness that caused her to slip and consequently began the questions and the pity. The stupid pity.

“You are forgetting that we are friends. If anything, I should have tried harder to allay your troubles.”

Twilight paused and absorbed Luna’s words, objecting to none of it. Feeling the unfairness set in, she gave in.

“Do not try to drive others away again, Twilight,” Luna softly said. She felt contrition from seeing Twilight abruptly becoming timid again. Although she was very strong, that fact will always remain, she had begun to look extremely small. The features that made her seem potent and powerful were nowhere to be seen. It only made the disparity between the two princesses even more apparent. Luna could almost understand Celestia’s protective and affectionate nature towards Twilight at this moment.

Another lapse of silence lingered, but this time the empty gap was thankfully not present. Twilight sighed before she began, “They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve to be burdened with something so– so trivial,” at this point her hooves were trembling.

Luna’s eyes softened a small smile of sympathy took shape, masking the feeling of concerns that were confirmed, “Though you are so adamant about being a master of friendship, you are still naive. Do you think so lowly of your friends?”

Typically Twilight would be beyond insulted if someone called her naive, however, she couldn’t muster a counterargument. It was a viable truth. “No, that’s not what I’m saying,” she said, becoming increasingly more frustrated at the imposing questions and the correct assumption about herself.

“Then understand that pushing them away only makes them more worried,” she said earnestly, kindness encapsulating her expression completely.

Twilight suppressed a glare and pressed her lips thinly, “If they knew, what would they think of me? Everyone is looking up to me, everyone is depending on me. If I don’t continue— if I am wasting valiant time, what will become of me?” she said dangerously low.

Luna remained unfazed, her empathic features never left. Now they had strengthened hearing Twilight’s unfiltered thoughts. “If you leave this to fester and continue to spiral, ponies would be more concerned with what you are doing to yourself than what you aren’t doing to yourself.”

Twilight shuttered, her breathing hitched, “I just can’t. I can’t give in, Luna. It would destroy me.”

Luna took in a deep breath and draped a wing across Twilight. Which warranted a slight flinch from the young alicorn from the sudden contact. “Then are you going to ignore their efforts?’

Twilight spun her head to meet Luna’s calculating gaze, “What?”

She smiled and continued, “Starlight was the one to pull you out of the water, was she not? And she’s still by your side now as you rest. Are you going to set aside her efforts in reaching you even after you pushed her away? Are you omitting my resolve to get your protection off just so we can speak at this very moment?”

“You should have left it. You should have left my spells alone, and Starlight should have let me drown.” Twilight said weakly. She hadn’t meant it, she just wanted to justify what she thought was for the best. Though what was best was starting to crumble.

“That is where you are wrong.” Luna sternly said, her voice losing its peaceful tone. “We chose to be here with you. Can’t you see that, Twilight? Hadn’t you taught me once, that part of friendship was to try to listen to your friends when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad, or good, it might be, and to trust them which is the hardest thing of all? But the best, as well?”

Twilight’s eyes furrowed from the confliction she felt. She was torn between what she thought was best for those she cared about and what she knew to be true. “But, it’s– ugh, it’s just so difficult, Luna,” she professed, burying her face into her hooves shielding herself from the accumulated frustration and confusion she felt. “Everything, if I stop, if I keep going, it’s all pointless..” she quietly finished.

“You don’t mean that.”

Twilight’s body shook from the throb of anger building inside her from having her resolve casted aside so quickly. “How do you know, Luna? You’re acting like you know every ounce of my psyche,” she scoffed bitterly.

Luna put a hoof to her chin. “You’re right, I may not know how deep your self-loathing is. However, I can see. I can see how much this is weighing you down, I can see how it has sucked the brightness out of the eager pony I met in a certain ruined castle one fateful night all those years ago. Though you try to run and hide, the toll that hinders you still follows you.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” Twilight admitted and slumped.

Luna placed a wing under Twilight’s chin and gently lifted it until their eyes met, teal meeting dull amethyst. “Allowing your friends in will be a good place to start. Friends whom you know only want the best for you, as do I.”

☆ ☆ ☆

When Twilight woke up she was engulfed in warmth for the first time in a while.

The cold sharp feeling she had felt for months was completely gone. The snug embrace Starlight secured her in seemed to dance even her seemingly permanent shadows away.

Her head rested perfectly in the crook of Starlight’s arm. It was a fuzzy feeling, something she hadn’t felt since her expedition, words were failing her. For once she had allowed herself to let go of the iron grip she strangled herself with. For once she had felt safe. Breathing in Starlight’s scent of cookie dough from her baking endeavours from Spike, she allowed herself to close her eyes again. No longer shunning away from the physical affection she reached out to snuggle closer to her friend.

Kites and Promises

When Starlight woke up the first thing she registered was not the fact that she wasn’t in her own bedroom, or the cold chilled breeze from the opened windows but rather the lack of another presence beside her. Her arm remained unopened in its fixed position where some pony should have been.

The bed she was lying in suddenly became extremely large and wholly empty. Its grandeur was becoming unbearable.

Starlight let out a sigh. Why did Princesses have so many things to do that made them wake up so damn early?

***

The pair sat in silence. It would be a long time until Spike would woke up. All mornings were practically made up of just their dynamic. The productive pony and the other pony who can barely keep her eyes open.

Starlight had found Twilight nestled at her usual spot at the kitchen island. Dark roast and the morning news, Canterlot Weekly, in her hoof. It was the usual appearance. Nothing was amiss. Even her coat was perfectly brushed and groomed. Fitting for a Princess, a hero, the beacon of hope and respect.

Every day, without fail, her appearance did not waver, no matter if she stayed up late for a project the previous night, defeated another evil being, or nearly drowned in the local lake. Twilight’s image didn’t falter.

It should’ve been a regular, mundane, unimposing morning seeing your roommate being so causally her. Except Starlight was restless in her seat. Often, she would glance up behind her mug to gauge Twilight’s expression, which remained unchanged. If she’s lucky, she will get the rare opportunity to see Twilight sip her cup of coffee, or even flip the page of the paper. Otherwise, everything was unmoving, unchanged, and unacknowledged.

This was an ordinary routine for the two, mornings were never talkative. They were simply not morning ponies. And Starlight knew that. She knew, anticipated, and expected, this exact fleeting scene, and yet she still had hoped for more. Perhaps a difference in their relationship or at least a response after the ordeal she had witnessed.

Another glance. Another sip.

Starlight couldn’t take it anymore. She cleared her throat before speaking, “Twilight?” Even her very name seemed foreign on her tongue.

“Mhm?” She hummed, still not looking up to acknowledge the pony beside her.

Starlight ran her hoof along the textured wood that made up the island in a vain attempt to form an appropriate way to begin her sentences. “Are you okay– from the fall… You didn’t break anything, did you? You’re not hurt?”

Twilight closed her eyes almost to wince; as if it hurt to recall the incident. When they reopened she met Starlight’s frantic eyes. Through the dark overcast shadow under her expression, a soft smile formed. “I’m fine... Really!” She added seeing Starlight’s rigid face, “It didn’t hurt!”

“That’s a relief! I was really worried… diving can be– erm- really dangerous!” She added with a slight giggle.

Twilight furrowed her eyes, and the smile dropped. “I’m sorry, Starlight. I’m sorry I made you feel distressed, you were never supposed to be there and I’m sorry you were in that position. I’m better now. Honestly.”

“No, please don’t apologize. I’m glad I was there,” she hadn’t known when but her hoof was already outstretched to comfort her friend. Starlight was about to retract her hoof when Twilight leaned into the touch. Starlight smiled. “Hey, are you busy today?”

Twilight brought a hoof to her chin, “I would have to check with Spike. I think I am fairly free. I haven’t gotten the chance to book anything just yet…” her voice trailed off to ponder about the things she needed to complete for the day.

“So no impromptu trip out of town?” Starlight asked light-heartedly.

Twilight rolled her eyes, “No, not today. I mean, I just returned after all.”

“It has been a while,” Starlight acknowledged.

The comment warranted a sigh out of Twilight, not one of annoyance, but instead of defeat. As if she herself was disappointed with herself as well. “And I’m sorry. I’ve been so caught up with everything I forget to maintain what I have right now. The school, our friends, the castle, everything except my duties.”

Starlight frowned at the number of apologies she was hearing out of Twilight today. “It’s okay, I understand. Truly I do. It’s busy being a princess, even busier being a Crowned Princess—” hearing the emphasized title made Twilight recoil for a split second “--I’m just glad you’re here now.”

“Me too, me too, Starlight,” she said earnestly.

“Say, if you aren’t busy, I have an idea. Something fun we can do together!” Starlight exclaimed and hopped off her seat.

Twilight smiled at the prospect, “That would be nice, I always enjoy my time when I’m with you.”

***

Starlight ran ahead carrying the two trigonal contraptions with her magic as she climbed further and further up the hill. Twilight couldn’t help to smile at the scene of her giddy accomplice. It was an unusual sight seeing someone who’s normally so serious get so excited at the notion of some kites.

As the two reached the top of the tall hill Starlight immediately threw the kite toward Twilight. “I chose a delta kite for you!” She said excitedly. “They’re relatively easy to fly! It’s a great kite for beginners! They fly well in light to medium winds, about eleven to nineteen kilometers an hour winds if you want to be technical!”

Twilight laughed and unwired the string of the flying device. “I’m familiar with kites, Starlight.”

“W-what, you are?” A blush overcame her features.

“I used to fly them with Shining Armor all the time. A kite with a single string is a single-line kite. They are easier to control, we tend to add a tail to create more drag to fly in stronger winds. Well, that part is more simple concurrent physics– the point is! There are a lot of intricacies to kites!”

Starlight clapped her hooves proud of Twilight’s spur of trivia. Some things just don’t change, and to her that was comforting. “That’s right! Huh, I didn’t know I was dealing with a professional!”

Twilight waved her comment off, “No-no, it took a lot of practice and years of making Shining start it for me while I held the string...” she trailed off as the concentration of the task consumed her. Twilight directed her kite away from the oncoming wing and held it by its bridle, holding it up to the sky until a gust of wind caught it. Letting go she let out some of the lines. She adjusted the bridle to adjust to the wind until it was flying even and level.

Starlight watched somewhat amazed by how quickly and seamlessly Twilight had flown her kite.
Unwinding her own string and doing the same, her teal kite was also up in the air. The two shapes drift along the breeze as they wave their tails to the two ponies below them.

Time passed until neither of them spoke up again. When Twilight turned her attention to Starlight she was slightly unnerved by the mesmerizing expression that encapsulated her friend’s features. She cleared her throat which made Starlight startle. “So… this is what you do for fun?” Twilight asked with a small chuckle.

Starlight nodded her head eagerly, “Yeah! Ahem.. I mean– yeah…” she said cooly.

Twilight smiled, “I can see why you like it so much, they're nice to watch. Really relaxing. I must admit, it’s an enjoyable hobby.”

She hummed in equal agreement. Before turning her attention back to her kite. “Twilight, I’ve been meaning to ask…”

“Go on,” she replied.

She paused, “Why did you, you know.”

“Dive?” Twilight answered nonchalantly, not meeting her gaze, her eyes were locked on the wavering kites.

“Yes, why did you do it?” Starlight urged.

Twilight looked off beyond the kites for a moment to summon a response. “I love being reckless,” she said in a coy, sarcastic tone that sounded too much like Rainbow Dash.

“Twilight!” Starlight shouted bewildered by her indifference, her exclaim made Twilight laugh.

Twilight stopped her laughter after seeing that Starlight wasn’t receiving it well. Her eyes were burning holes in her temple which made her shiver. “Do you ever just feel everything all at once and you just need a release?” She asked.

“On several occasions,” Starlight answered. That was true for everyone, it was natural and almost expected for everyone to reach a breaking point.

“It was so tempting, coupled with the culmination of everything that was going on, which I'll spare you the details of. I wanted to feel again. And I’m going to admit it felt nice. Almost like a hug.”

“You could’ve drowned.” Starlight said bluntly. She was almost upset that what occurred was merely something to reminisce gleefully at.

“I wasn’t going to," she said quietly.

“How do you know that?!” She asked, her voice peaking in volume. She was having a hard time suppressing her anger.

“I would have come up. I would have snapped out of it.” Twilight said matter-of-factly with utter confidence. It helped mask the thoughtlessness of her disagreeing.

Starlight stopped her hold on the handle, her kite plundered toward the ground behind her. A snap ranged. “You wouldn’t have! The fact you even entered the water— who knows what could’ve happened! You say you won’t do things but you still considered it! The fact that it happened scares me, Twilight! To think what could’ve happened. I was scared to lose you!” Her breathing was rapid. Tears were leaking out of her eyes. Her feelings were apparent.

It felt nice to stop biting on her own tongue and finally let her thoughts out. Even if she might regret it the next second.

Twilight stood blankly, her own kite was still flying mindlessly although losing some of its stability. “Starlight, I wasn't— I'm still here," she said placing a hoof on Starlight's shaking figure.

Starlight knocked her touch off of her, "You couldn't have known! Do you know how cold you were when I held you?"

Twilight shook her head hard; to forgo the racing memories and bubbling emotions. "I know, I know," she repeated. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do," she whispered and looked away.

Starlight hated that she was apologizing again. Apologies and nothing to show for them except a worn-out alicorn. Except though she was seething, Starlight withheld her berate. Because at that moment the almighty Princess looked so incredibly young. And it suddenly registered to Starlight that she was older, though only by a few years.

There had been only a few times when Twilight had seemed so small. Rare instances where Starlight towered. Their first meeting, the fiasco with the School of Friendship, now. Simply from the measure of their ages.

Her expression instantly softened, her anger wiped away replaced with a look of empathy. “You can come to me.”

Twilight shook her head, “Starlight–”

“We’re friends, remember, I want to be there for your sadness as much as your happiness. I want to work through it all together. No matter the situation,” she confessed.

Twilight was stunned for a split second until her facial features contorted to relief, “You’re right. Thank you. A-and the same goes for me of course, I’m always here to help you, Starlight,” she said with a nudge from her elbow.

This time she didn't reject the affection. Starlight smiled and pulled Twilight into an embrace one that was returned. “And one more thing,” she whispered in her ear.

“What is it?” She hummed.

“Canterlot. Don’t ever disappear to Canterlot. Come to me, promise me you won’t leave again.”

A moment of hesitation, a second of anticipation. “I promise.”

Perhaps promises came mindlessly as apologies did for her. Perhaps we say things because it's correct to say them at the moment. Except it was the pause of contemplation that made Starlight believe that it was genuine and the prospect that it can become a truth was enough for her.