Autumn Blaze, Formula One Driver
"And that concludes day one of pre-season testing here in sunny but cool Barcelona," the announcer said. "Red Bull took top honors again, their new 2023 cars almost a full second per lap faster than Mercedes in second. It looks like it could be another dominant year for the Red Bulls."
"And Haas with their new Renault powertrains in third," the other announcer said. "Quite a surprise."
"I think the biggest surprise of the day," said the first announcer, "is Ferrari in dead last in tenth after this first day of pre-season testing."
"Agreed, especially after their excellent second-place finish in the standings last year."
Guest commentator Rainbow Dash interrupted. "Why do you keep repeating things the viewers already know?"
"Because this is television."
"Are... do humans have memories that terrible?"
"People like to hear things they already know, it makes them feel in the know."
"We should talk about Scootaloo," Dash said. "She got P7 in her Alpine Renault."
"We're talking about Ferrari, not Alpine, just now," said the first announcer.
Dash pouted, crossing her forelegs over her chest.
"Why," said the second announcer, "Ferrari dumped two of the best drivers on the grid and replaced them with two rookies, I can't understand."
"Well, LeClerc did well with his new seat at Alpine, partnering Scootaloo," he glanced at Dash, who nodded, "with Carlos replacing Bottas at Alfa Romeo."
"I think we were just as surprised as Bottas was when he chose to suddenly retire."
"Well, marrying a hippogriff and moving across the portal does make it hard to drive Formula One, but his new jet-ski racing league in Seaquestria looks very successful."
Dash pointed angrily at her iPad, which was open to Google Translate. "I'm offended," Dash grumped, "that Scuderia Ferrari and Scuderia Alpha Tauri don't have any pony drivers. 'Scuderia' means 'horse stable' in Italian!"
Both human announcers facepalmed. Then, "Ah, here we go. Nico is ready to interview Ferrari at the pit wall."
Autumn Blaze pranced around, admiring her bright red Ferrari racing suit. She levitated off her helmet and gave it to one of the pit crew. Smolder stood, arms crossed and frowning mightily, helmet hanging from a claw.
Nico Rosberg, retired Formula One world champion and current TV commentator, waved a microphone at Ferrari's team boss. "Pérez put in a one minute twenty-three point eight. The slowest non-Ferrari on the track today, the Williams of Albon, put in a one minute thirty one point six. Your two drivers put in three-minute-plus laps. Can you explain?"
A stream of angry Italian shouting and sweeping hand gestures blasted towards the reporters.
"Okay," Nico said, "we'll be bleeping most of that out later, and I don't envy our subtitle software."
"I had so much fun!" Autumn Blaze said, shouldering her boss out of the way. "I drove the car! Zoom! Screech! Zoom! Crash!"
"You certainly did," Nico said, looking away from the angry Italian and to the kirin. "Just like I did when I drove for Mercedes and became world champion and beat Lewis Hamilton with identical equipment."
"Give it a rest, mate!" came a shout from the Mercedes paddock.
"How was the car?" Nico asked Autumn Blaze.
"It was fast!" Autumn said, standing on her rear legs and twirling. "So fast that I want to 🎵siiiiiiiiiiiing!🎶"
More angry Italian shouting and gesturing came from her boss.
Autumn dropped back to all fours and hung her head. "He reminds me I'm contractually obligated not to sing on company time. Or on my own time. Or especially in the shower."
"The shower?" said a Dutch reporter.
"It costs the team too much to replace hotel showers if I melt them or blow out the glass doors from a steam explosion."
"Miss Smolder? What about you?" Nico asked.
The dragon glared. "I need to get more accustomed to the tires. Specifically, the tire temperatures."
"Did you have trouble getting the tires up to temperature? The track temperature was only about twenty centigrade today."
"Nah, I breathed on them before we left the paddock, so they were over-temperature. That's why I had the quadruple blowout on turn three."
"They brought out the red flags for you!" Autumn Blaze chirped. "That's so thoughtful of them! Red's a festive color!"
Smolder faceclawed. "Yes. Yes they did."
"And all the yellow flags for me whenever I ran off the track! Are yellow flags better or worse than red flags?"
Nico stared at her. "Better."
Autumn's smile fell and she hugged Smolder. "I'm so sorry! We're teammates and I got better flags than you! I'm so inconsiderate! I'm sorry! And on my first day of driving!"
"Your first day of driving Formula One, you mean?" asked one of the other TV commentators.
More angry Italian streamed at Autumn Blaze.
"He advises me not to answer that question," Autumn said, "but I spent all winter playing Gran Turismo on my Playstation!"
The reporters stared.
Scootaloo, in her blue and pink Alpine driving suit, sidled up to Smolder. They shared a hoof/claw bump. "A shame about the tires," Scootaloo said.
"We'll try a different compound tomorrow," Smolder said. "They have a set of Perelli's experimental asbestos tires in FedEx."
"Miss Aloo," Nico asked, "what did you think of all the different cars' performance today?"
Scootaloo closed her eyes and sighed. "Please don't call me that, for the ninety-seventh time. I'm not a curry! Hopefully Smolder and Autumn Blaze can put in a good showing tomorrow. Their Ferraris are quick on paper."
"They're quick in the simulator, too!" Autumn Blaze said, hopping up and down. "I hit the wall at over three hundred and fifty kph when I tried Monaco!"
Scootaloo's head snapped around to look at her. "How did you get up to that speed on the slowest track on the calendar?"
"That's what he asked me!" she replied, pointing to her boss.
The Italian closed his eyes and counted slowly to dieci.
The commentators turned back to the Ferrari boss. "We still haven't gotten a non-evasive answer," Nico said, "why you paid off the contract cancellation fees of two brilliant drivers who served you so well last season in order to hire two rookies."
Smolder put her helmet back on and lowered the dark visor to hide her expression.
"I'm so glad they did!" Autumn Blaze shouted. "This was the most fun I've had since I learned about roasting marshmallows!"
Another stream of Italian flooded at the reporters, hand gestures looking like a hummingbird on espresso.
"Oh, that's not true and you know it," Autumn said, poking her boss in the ribs with her hoof.
His face turned pale, pointing a chiding finger at her. "Per favore! Silenzio!"
A massive fireball erupted from Smolder's paddock as her car detonated. Mechanics and technicians ran out of the building, screaming, and then a few seconds later, Autumn Blaze's car also spontaneously combusted where it sat, quietly parked in the Ferrari garage.
"See?" Autumn Blaze said. "Smolder the dragon. Autumn Blaze the kirin. After all the engine whoopsies last year, the league told Ferrari that this year, they were required to hire drivers who are fireproof."
Author's Note
