Rainbowseum Dashcosis

by Raugos

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 4354

Twilight has contracted a severe case of Rainbow Dash.

Princess Twilight has contracted a severe case of Rainbow Dash.

The following is an excerpt from the journal of Sickle Cell of the Night Guard, detailing his experience with the Princess within the confines of her laboratory, which involved complete temporal isolation from the rest of the world.

An entry for The Twilight Files contest organised by Bicyclette.

Now with a reading by Skijarama!

Published 2022-08-07 17:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2022-08-07 17:10:03 UTC

Quarantine

Night 1 (Tuesday)

You know, there’s definitely some truth to the saying, “Be careful what you wish for.”

I mean, who hasn’t heard about Twilight Sparkle and her friends saving Equestria and dreamt about getting the chance to do doing something similar?

Yep. That’s me.

You’d think I’d know better, being in the Night Guard and all, but sometimes a stallion fancies doing more than cosplaying as a statue or acting as glorified police for public events. Or in the case of an actual crisis, being more than mere arrow fodder for the threat whilst the big players get stuff done in the background, and then patching everypony up after all the action.

You get the idea.

I was taking inventory of our medical supplies at the start of my shift, when guess who comes teleporting into the infirmary right next to me? Bat ears don’t mix well with loud noise in confined spaces, and oh boy, did she come in with a bang. There was a blast radius of soot on the floor, and my poor ears were ringing for a good thirty seconds or so.

Princess Twilight’s teleports are usually squeaky clean and no louder than smacking a buckball, so that’s symptom number one. Next up, we got puffy eyes, loud sniffles and some weird discolouration in her coat, like somepony had dabbed patches of sky-blue powder everywhere.

I don’t think she noticed me at first, because she got busy ransacking the place like her life depended on it. Antivirals, antibiotics, painkillers, disinfectants… they all went into her saddlebag without a second glance.

I finally got her attention by clearing my throat, and she spent a good ten seconds staring at me, as if she wasn’t sure if I was actually there or not. Come to think of it, it might’ve been another symptom.

“Oh, you’re here,” she rasped.

Hoarse voice. Symptom number five. She was definitely coming down with something.

And then she sneezed on me. Her snot had the consistency of diluted glue and an oily, almost iridescent sheen that reflected all the colours of the rainbow.

More staring, and then…

“Oops,” was all I got by way of apology before she flared her horn.

Boom. Again.

By the time my ears had stopped ringing, I realised that she had teleported us to her personal laboratory, where she wasted no time in herding me towards a big mirror. Between the moonlight pouring in through the windows and the swirling, shimmering glow in the centre of the mirror, I was under the impression that she was bringing me to another world, but the other side of the portal contained a very similar laboratory, minus the windows and door.

Turns out, Princess Twilight has a secret laboratory in a pocket dimension, for the times when she wants to take a break from Equestria. It’s got a couple of beds, a larder, and even a shower and toilet, and it’s all temporally isolated from the rest of reality, so that time spent in there isn’t lost elsewhere. Which is a good thing, otherwise she’s going to have to find somepony else to move the sun and moon whilst she’s gone.

I’ll spare you the tedium of what happened next.

Let’s just say that Princess Twilight spent a while apologising for getting me involved in one of her interdimensional shenanigans, and possibly infecting me with a pathogen from another universe. We can’t leave until she’s recovered and certain that we aren’t carrying the disease anymore. She’s worried that it might be an especially virulent strain from an alternate reality, and she’s just playing it safe. Until then, we’re pretty much in quarantine, however long that takes.

After I stripped out of my gear and got cleaned up in the shower (where does the water come from and where does it go to?), we got around to dealing with her symptoms. I’m no doctor, but aside from the weird snot and discolouration in her coat, it’s consistent with the flu and well within the treating capacity of the medications we have on hoof.

She popped a few pills and went out like a light, though with intermittent bouts of sneezing and sniffling.

I was pretty much left alone with my thoughts for the rest of the night.

Good thing that this secret lab’s well stocked with stationery.

I’m not normally this verbose, but you try being stuck in a pocket dimension all night ~~watching Princess Twilight sleep and----~~ That sounded better in my head.

Anyway, point is, I’m bored out of my skull stewing in brain farts and unfulfilled aspirations all night, so I might as well get started on training my brain muscles for that novel I’ve always wanted to write. Who knows? The quarantine’s just started, and things might get interesting enough to justify putting effort into this.

~~Did you know that Princess Twilight snores like a yak?~~

Getting drowsy. Sun should be rising soon. (Not that we can see it from here.) I self-medicated with a small dose just as a precaution. If I’m lucky, I won’t catch whatever she has.

I should be fine. Not to brag or anything, but I’ve always had a pretty robust immune system.

Night 2 (Wednesday)

Buck my big mouth.

Stuff it with an apple and roast me on a spit.

The meds don’t work for horse apples.

Robust immune system my flank.

I woke up and immediately regretted it.

Between the sneezing, sniffling, sore throat and itching eyes, I just wanted to go right the buck back to sleep. The lab is lit by crystal lamps which give off a close approximation of cool daylight, which was relatively comfortable for my eyes and mild enough to sleep in, but with all the above symptoms, that wasn’t going to happen.

Princess Twilight was already up and conducting experiments. Had been doing so all day while I was asleep.

Got a lecture on her findings:
- It’s a weird super pathogen with viral and bacterial traits
- Our meds don’t really work on it
- The dosage of Ponecillin needed to kill it would also give a pony seizures (an Alicorn might get a severe migraine, but she’s not keen on finding out)
- Best we can do is manage the symptoms until it blows over
- It multiplies fast

She showed me a petri dish with its surface almost fully colonised.

You know how bacterial colonies tend to grow in recognisable patterns – circular, irregular, filamentous or rhizoid? Well, this one’s colonies are shaped like freaking thunderbolts, with rainbow streaks in the bolt leading up to cloudy white the farther they are from the tip, and light blue all around the borders.

They look suspiciously like Rainbow Dash’s cutie mark. Princess Twilight agreed, but didn’t have much else to say about it. Too early for conclusions. More testing required.

Spent a few hours helping her with the experiments.

Took breaks frequently because of all the sneezing and sniffling. Lots of rainbow snot getting all over the place. Pills helped a little, but still sucks big time. Some breaks involved power naps, when our symptoms allowed for it.

Speaking of symptoms… Princess Twilight now has streaks of rainbow in her mane and tail, and her coat is almost uniformly shifting from purple to sky-blue. So is mine, apparently. Even my wing membranes are turning blue. We’re developing heterochromia, too.

Had I been the only one infected, I might’ve asked if this germ was related to Poison Joke. Because I once joked about wishing I was as fast as Rainbow Dash, and maybe this is what would’ve happened to me if I got a dose of that plant. But it’s unlikely that both of us would be the butt of the same joke, so that theory’s out.

My appetite took a hit, so I settled for a peanut butter sandwich instead of the larder’s fancier stock. There’s a surprising amount of fresh fruit in supply.

That was our routine for most of the evening – experimenting, napping and snacking.

At some point I got around to questioning her about the pathogen’s origins.

She got a little embarrassed talking about her exploration of alternate universes. Apparently, there’s one where she’s a stallion, another where she’s a dragon, one where Nightmare Moon banished Princess Celestia to the sun, and so on.

Most of it’s her own personal business, so I’ll just relay the relevant part: she suspects that she got infected from this one universe where the locals had a ritual of deliberately exposing a chosen candidate to the pathogen, though she didn’t get to find out why. The short of it is that some villain shenanigans ensued, and she was forced to leave early when their equivalent Elements of Harmony showed up. It just so happened that her exit portal was actually in the candidate’s isolation quarters, and she didn’t realise she’d caught it from the environment until she started showing symptoms. That’s when she bumped into me shortly after.

Too tired to think much more about it.

We decided to synchronise our sleep patterns.

I tried to argue that I should be the one to match her pattern by waiting for a full day, but she vetoed me with a direct order. Said that coffee had already allowed her to stay mostly up until my bedtime. Didn’t realise we’d already burned through the whole night.

Hope tomorrow doesn’t suck as much.

~~Princess Twilight definitely snores like a yak.~~

Night 3

Spoilers: it still sucks.

We’re both running fevers now.

Literally.

For some reason, we’re feeling the urge to run despite feeling like warmed-up death.

Did a short jog to alleviate this weird compulsion. Ugh. Nearly puked after that.

Feels too cold for a shower, even though I’d like nothing more than to wash off the rainbow snot we’re leaving everywhere. All the handkerchiefs and rags on hoof are already soaked, and Princess Twilight is in no state to magically sterilise them. Had to boil them.

No work today.

Tired.

Just napping and snacking.

And the occasional jog and flap around, because why is this disease like this?!

It’s pretty much confirmed: we’re both almost fully Rainbow Dash in colour. Even our eyes.

I’d say we’re lucky that it hasn’t affected our cutie marks, but maybe that would just be jinxing it.

I’ve recorded the doses of meds we’ve taken so far in the appendix. Not sure how much of a difference they’re making, but it’s probably better than nothing.

You know, I th i n k t h a__

Night 4

~~You know you’re tired when even Princess Twilight’s snoring fails to keep you up.~~

Fell asleep. Can’t remember what I wanted to write back there.

Anyway… new night!

In case you can’t tell, we’re feeling much better now.

Appetite’s returning and the fever’s down. Significantly reduced sinus problems. That stupid compulsion to exercise is still there, but at least we can do it now without feeling completely horrible while we’re at it.

Got to show off my cooking skills. Not sure why Princess Twilight has all the ingredients for pancakes in her larder when there’s no proper stove, but a Barnsen burner works well enough.

Now to address the Rainbow Dash in the room.

Or two of them, to be specific.

If it wasn’t obvious before, it’s undeniable now: we’ve turned into Rainbow Dashes. Same eyes, same coat, same rainbow mane, same restless energy. ~~Same ass.~~ At least we get to keep our original hairstyles, voices, cutie marks, species and sex. Alicorn and thestral Rainbow Dashes. How cool is that?

We’ve retained our mental traits too. Princess Twilight made sure to evaluate us thoroughly with ~~egghead stuff~~ a wide spectrum of reasoning, logic and problem-solving tests. Says that her results are close to baseline. I have no idea how I’m doing since I don’t keep track of my mental performance, but I don’t feel any dumber tonight.

You’d have to ask Sarge to confirm if my intelligence has taken a hit. He’d probably tell you that even Rainbow Dash would be an improvement.

~~Should Rainbow Dash be insulted that this is even a concern in the first place?~~

Nah, she’s cool. We’re cool.

Did a few more experiments on the pathogen. No cure, but Princess Twilight thinks she might have a lead. Will have to wait till tomorrow.

We’re getting better, but we still tire easily.

Just realised that there are a lot of books in this lab. Some of them are actually fiction.

...

What the hay. Nopony told me that Daring Do is this awesome!

Night 5

I feel awesome tonight.

Awesome is an awesome word.

Ever notice how a word doesn’t sound real anymore if you say it too many times?

Awesome.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Dunno why, but I’m having way too much fun writing this word.

Awesome.

Maybe it’s another symptom…

An awesome symptom!

I guess turning into Rainbow Dash isn’t so bad.

It made me realise how awesome I am.

Rainbow Dash looks great as a stallion with fangs and bat wings!

Twilight’s getting annoyed because I’ve started talking out loud when I’m writing. Well, too bad. She’s doing it too, the hypocrite. She’s got her egghead ground-breaking research (not sure why it involves so many apples from the larder, though), and I’ve got my Canterlot Times Bestseller to work on. Fair’s fair.

Anyway, back to me.

I am Sickle Cell, a servant of the Mistress of the Night.
I am sworn to valour.
My heart knows only virtue.
My blade defends the helpless.
My might upholds the weak.
My word speaks only truth.
My wrath undoes the wicked.
My duty is eternal, never ending, until my liege release me, or death take me.
I am a Guardian of the Night.

(I’m also single!)

Pretty awesome, huh? I love my job.

Anyway, if you’re reading this, whoever you are, I’d bet you’re awesome too. And don’t let anypony tell you otherwise!

Twilight wants me to get off my butt and help her with the sciencing. She’s pacing and flying in circles like she can’t wait to get started. Told me she bet she could set up the apparatus and finish her research before I even figured out the difference between ~~a cone bottle and a skinny bottle~~ a flask and a phial.

You know what? I have an idea.

...

So, I challenged her to a race.

I almost convinced her to let us back out for a proper race in the sky. We would’ve been done in ten minutes tops, and it would’ve been awesome!

Twilight changed her mind just before reactivating the portal. That sucked.

That just left the lab, which wasn’t exactly big enough to do proper laps in, but we weren’t going to let a minor inconvenience like that stop us. It’s a test of our aerial agility! We even shifted furniture around to be obstacles and placed Barnsen burners on top to spice things up a bit.

Turns out we’re still sick, so our motor skills suck.

I crashed into a wall and fractured my left foreleg.

Twilight crashed into a bunch of flasks (see? I can tell the difference!) and got acid burns. I think she was more bummed out that some of her books caught fire.

So, I guess that’s another symptom of Rainbow Dash-itis. Severe case of ‘hold my cider’ syndrome.

On the plus side, I got to show off my talent at patching up dumb, injured ponies who really should know better.

On the minus side, cleaning up the mess we’d made took ages, and we were dead tired by the time we’d finished. No way were we getting any science done after that.

Ate some sugared oatmeal and bedded down for the day. Read more Daring Do. Debated with Twilight about who’s the best character in the series.

She even invited me to sit on the same bed with her for our book discussion! That’s, like, totally uncool according to Guard protocol, but then she winked at me and said that Rainbow Dash isn’t her guard. Damn. Never knew that Princess Twilight is a fan of technicalities.

Maybe Twilight hit her head when she crashed. She actually thinks Daring Do is real.1

Regardless, it’s nice having something in common with her. There’s always this gap between us and the Princesses, which is only right, since we’re professionals and all, but I feel a little privileged to be a part of her little misadventure here. Feels like something usually reserved for Spike and the other Bearers of Harmony.

Dunno if that means we’re becoming real friends, but it’s nice being around Twilight when she’s just being herself instead of The Princess.2

~~I like her~~.3

1Oh, Sickle Cell, you sweet summer foal.

2Aww, that’s really sweet. To be honest, it’s nice to let down my hair around you, too. I’m aware that Celestia and Luna had their ways of showing they cared, but I’m still figuring out how I’m supposed to show that I’m more than just ‘The Princess’ to my little ponies.

3That’s nothing to be ashamed of. I like you, too. You’re a great reading buddy!

On another note, your prose isn’t half bad. Keep this up, and you might find a book deal at some point. I’m looking forward to it!

Also, I don’t snore. You do.

Night 6

Huh. So even Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, isn’t above sneaking a peek at somepony else’s journal after they’ve fallen asleep. And then adding footnotes in it, no less!

See kids? This is why they say, “Never meet your heroes.”

Can’t wait to hear foals telling their mums that Princess Twilight is naughty, too!

We’re doing surprisingly well despite our injuries. Maybe the pathogen speeds up healing once you’re past the onset of Rainbow Dash-ification. No more flu-like symptoms and the fever’s gone, though we still look like hardcore Rainbow Dash cosplayers.

We had to redo some of the tests because we’d wrecked the samples yesterday. Twilight was especially relieved that most of her larger apparatus had survived.

Appetite’s going crazy. I think we’re eating twice our usual intake of calories. Supplies won’t last much longer if our metabolism stays like this.

At least we’re burning off those calories with plenty of exercise.

I beat Twilight at wing-ups. Hah, suck it, Princess!

She beat me at Scrabble. And chess. And Monopony.

I. Hate. Losing.

Must be the germ talking. I’m usually a much better sport.

At least we tied at hoof wrestling.

Well, technically the table lost. Just one more item on the list of things that need to be repaired.

Nap time.

…

Twilight’s been holding out on me. Remember what I said about her ground-breaking research somehow involving apples? Well, turns out that she was making hard cider on the side! Cheaty magic means that she can cut down on the usual waiting time and skip straight to the fun part. Said that she wanted it to be ready in time for our recovery phase.

Which is now. Our blood samples show that the germ count is way down. At the rate we’re going, Twilight probably won’t need to worry about finding a cure.

...

Aww yeah! This is awesome stuff!

Drinking contest!

...

Horse apples, Twilight is not a lightweight.

~~Twilight is cute when she hiccups~~.4

4So are you. And you squeak!

…

Say, here’s a thought…

Anypony who’s met Rainbow Dash knows that she’s quite the fathead when she wants to be. Ego the size of a blimp on steroids. It’s probably a safe bet to assume that half the ponies she’s ever met have thought about telling her to go buck herself, and the other half dream about bucking her themselves. Heck, there’s probably some significant overlap there as well. I would know.

Here’s the kicker – Twilight and I are both technically Rainbow Dash at this point, so what we have here is an unprecedented opportunity to make all of those dreams/curses a reality…

Night 7

We [-----------------redacted-------------------]

It was awesome!

Yeah, that’s right. Eat your hearts out!

Night 8

Twilight had an ~~epitap~~ ~~epif~~ epiphany.

Remember how there are all these alternate universes where specific ponies were born/hatched as different species or sexes? Her theory is that she caught this pathogen from a universe where Rainbow Dash is a germ. And the local ponies deliberately infect one of their own so that the chosen can wield the Element of Loyalty.

That’s… something.

Get sick for a couple of days and be a hero for the next two.

I think the lightning-fast incubation period’s still too long if a villain’s already in town wrecking your stuff, but maybe they have ponies on rotation so that there’s always a Rainbow Dash in the correct stage of the disease to wield Loyalty. Who knows?

Twilight’s pretty excited about documenting our findings.

Our regular colours are coming back. Appetite is mostly back to normal. My left foreleg’s swelling has gone down and no longer hurts, and Twilight’s already peeled the bandages off her burns.

Restlessness and urge to exercise/compete has almost completely disappeared. That gives us more time to document everything and prepare the lab for our exit. Twilight wants to be thorough in cataloguing everything and making sure that the sterilisation doesn’t miss anything when the time comes.

Still found some time to read Daring Do together. I’m not viscerally excited and giddy about it anymore, but it’s still enjoyable.

Night 9

We’re back to normal, but we’re staying one more night in here just to be sure.

Food supply’s pretty much depleted, but we still had enough left over for one last decent meal in this place. Hay and alfalfa, with a side of bread and cheese.

Shifting our sleep schedule slightly in preparation for our return to the rest of the world.

Also…

Today was awkward.

Our time spent here isn’t typical for a Night Guard and a Princess. We’ve crossed some boundaries ~~and maybe broken some laws~~, even taking into account our unusual affliction.

I’m not sure we can see each other in a completely professional light anymore. Ponies are going to notice. It’s going to affect her image.

Hayseed, I’m probably going to need a shower as soon as we get out of here. If I bump into any of the guys, I don’t know how I’m going to explain why I smell of the same lavender soap and shampoo that Princess Twilight uses. And my mane is never this silky-smooth.

We’ll need more time to figure out what this means for us moving forward.5

5Whatever happens, I’m glad I bumped into you. It’s about time I made more friends amongst the palace staff. And sometimes, the process of getting to know somepony better just takes you in an unexpected direction.

Night 10

We’re finally getting out of here!

Can’t wait to stretch my wings in the sky and see the moonrise again.

Twilight can’t want to introduce me to this hayburger and fries joint that’s supposedly the best in Canterlot. Don’t tell her, but everypony in the palace staff and Royal Guard already knows about her weekly twelve-bit instalment on a heart attack at Little Big Burger’s. It’s our job to know where our Princess is at all times, even when she thinks she’s being sneaky about it.

The last thing on her pre-portal checklist is sterilising the lab. Can’t have any traces of the pathogen surviving and hitching a ride out into the world to start this nonsense all over again.

Aside from a frozen sample she’s stored in a hermetically sealed safe, everything else was getting wiped out.

She had a moment of hesitation before doing the deed, wondering aloud about the ethics of germicide when said germ is technically her friend from another universe. We had a not-so-comfortable debate about it, but finally decided that it’s okay because they don’t have a consciousness, being a lower life form and all. In any case, there’s probably trillions of them happily splitting in half in their native universe anyway.

I overheard her muttering, “This is Pinkie Pie all over again…”

I didn’t ask, and I don’t think I want to know.

She put me in a shield bubble whilst she subjected the entire lab to extreme heat, cold, hard vacuum and ultraviolet light. Seeing her power up with those glowing eyes (even through the semi-opaque shield) was a reminder that our new Princess is just as powerful as Celestia and Luna; she just doesn’t project it as casually as they do.

Feels good to be back in armour.

I’m writing this as I sit in the corner, watching Twilight charge up the mirror portal to bring us back to reality.

And we’re out!

Night 15 (Saturday)

Almost forgot where I left this.

Turns out that some of the pathogen survived in the palace, despite Twilight’s best efforts to retrace her steps and sterilise any spots she might’ve contaminated when she first got back from multiverse-hopping. Even though no time had passed out here between us going in and out of temporal isolation, Mellow Draft still got infected.

We’re lucky Twilight found her just as she was cleaning her room.

It’s been five nights, and nopony else appears to have been infected. Mellow’s in Canterlot GH, going through pretty much the same process that we did. She challenged every janitor and staff in the hospital to a cleaning contest because she didn’t like how they’d done her bed.

What a week. Remember what I said about being careful what you wish for?

This might be my last entry before I turn it over to the research team.

Don’t know if I’ll continue writing here once I get it back.

If I ever get it back.

Still, it was totally worth it. No regrets!

Until then, be on guard.
Sickle Cell

Author's Note

Now with a reading by Skijarama!