Twilight Goes Wild Very Carefully
Twilight Goes Wild Very Carefully
By DustinKoski
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
There has been no mistake or problem with teleporting the letter. The assignment is to go wild. Abandon discipline, let go of your inhibitions, be a bad filly, break some rules. What value is there in being a good pony if you don’t know what you’re giving up? We should see if you are a what you are by choice, not because you never gave yourself the chance to live any other way. Just try not to do anything evil.
Again, this assignment is optional.
Most Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Popcorn
Twilight and Spike looked at each other, and shrugged in unison. “Popcorn” had been a special codeword the three of them had adopted to confirm that a communication truly was directly from the Princess herself.
“Now that I think about it, I guess I see her point.” Spike said. Twilight nodded, and then iled as mischievously as she could. She'd never passed up an optional assignment in her life.
“If it’s what the Princess wants... I gotta admit, I’ve got mixed feelings about this.”
“What’s there to have mixed feelings about? Go down to the Ponyville Pub, wave this letter around, say it’s royal permission to act how you want, done.”
“It’s not so easy, Spike. I gave Ponyville’s authorities an order not to tolerate any such behavior from me, so if I was all up in the open about it, I’d just get in trouble like any other pony.”
“But doesn’t her authority trump yours?”
“I got the Princess to sign and seal it. Slipped it in between a couple other papers.”
“Oh.”
“So this is going to have to be done on my own, by my own instincts, just Twilight Sparkle, regular pony, out raising a ruckus!” She had deepened her voice and spoken slower in a clumsy attempt to sound what she thought was cool.
“Sounds awesome!”
“Oh yeah,” Twilight said. She turned away from Spike for a moment to bite her cheeks, wipe the sweat off her brow and fret quickly, before turning back to him and resuming the “cool” act. “Totally awesome.”
“You going to start now, or wait until evening?”
“Right now! This isn’t the kind of thing you just rush into.”
“Well, to me it sounds like exactly the kind of thing you rush into, but okay. I’m guessing you’re going to want help.”
“Oh yes.” She dipped her head down to be level with Spike’s as if speaking confidentially. “So, you know anything about losing control and behaving badly?”
“You kiddin’? I’m a dragon. We’re all about being the biggest, baddest monsters in Equestria! I know more about being bad than-” The clock that Twilight had propped up on the far wall sounds 10 a.m. Spike lost all of his swagger and confidence in a half second.
“Uh oh, I’m late for my scrapbook club meeting! See you later, Twi!” Spike practically leapt into his room, grabbed his bag with all his scrapbook materials, and sprinted out the door in a hoofbeat. Twilight waved him goodbye.
“That’s okay. I don’t need Spike.” Twilight began to rub her front hooves together in what she tried to assure herself was anticipation. “I know a pony utterly right for the needs of this project. The pony that’ll take me for a walk on the wild side.”
Rainbow Dash grinned after she was done reading Princess Celestia’s letters. This was going to be good.
“So, do you feel down to it?” Twilight asked.
“Pega, please.” Dash waved her front hoof in an exaggerated gesture of dismissal. “I’m not just one tough cookie, I’m the hippest party animal ever to hit the scene, yo! I grew up in the storm clouds, and I was the most juvenile of all the delinquents! I’m straight up gansta, aight!”
“That’s wonderful!” Twilight beamed. “But one thing: it’s ‘gang-ster,’ with an ‘e, r’ at the end, not ‘gangsta.’” Dash stared at her friend, amazed that there was still another layer to Twilight’s dweebness for her to stumble upon.
“I’ve got my work cut out for me.” She said under her breath. She straightened suddenly after she said this. “Now, on to the first step: trash talk.”
“T-trash talk?”
“Yes. We’re going to be dropping some f-bombs, some c-bombs, some d-bombs, and maybe a p-bomb.” Twilight trembled. She’d never, ever said a bad word. Dash could tell from looking at her that new pupil was not trembling in anticipation. “Maybe we should start with something milder.”
“Yeah, that’d be for the best.”
“Say ‘s**t.’” Dash said. Twilight was dumbfounded. That was one of the mild ones? She’d only read the word maybe three times in her life and this was only the second time she’d heard it. The other time her father had told her to never say a word like that.
“Okay,” Twilight responded with fake enthusiasm, “Ssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh” Twilight seemed stuck like she was suffering from a debilitating stutter.
“Yeah, it. Finish the word. It’s simple.”
“Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhh- uh sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhh.” Twlight was shaking like an overworked turbine ready to blow.
“Stop drenching me and finish the stupid word.”
“Ssssssssssshhhhiiiiiiiii” Twilight interrupted the word suddenly and quietly to make a little “p” noise. “t. There!”
“That’s no good.”
“What? I just said the word!”
“You said ‘shipt.’ That’s not the same word, Pega.”
“Why do you keep calling me ‘pega?’ I’m not a pegasus.”
“Don’t change the subject. Say it, and don’t give me any of that ‘pt’ stuff.”
“Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh” Twilight resumed.
After spending half the day not being able to get Twilight to swear, Dash decided to try something else. She led her friend to Sugarcube Corner.
“Wait out here,” Dash said when they reached the storefront, “I’m going to scout inside for nosy customers or guards.” Twilight had no idea why that should be necessary, but she obliged. While she waited, the fillies Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon strolled by, chit-chatting about the school day which had just ended.Twilight thought this was a great opportunity. She’d heard repeatedly from Apple Bloom that they were the worst two worst kids in school, so they seemed a safe bet for what she’d planned to do after they were done at Sugarcube Corner.
“Hey, girls,” Twilight said, walking up to them and causing the pair to stop and look at her in surprise. They, like just about everypony in town couldn’t help but know of Twilight but had never spoken to her. “Do you have some mild altering substances I could buy?”
“Say whaaaat?” Diamond Tiara said.
“Oh, excuse me, you kids call them “drugs” nowadays, right?”
“We don’t have any drugs! We’ve never had any!” Silver Spoon said, her tone a combination of snooty, confused, and worried.
“Now there’s no need to be shy. I would like something mild to get me started, like Locoweed, please.” Twilight produced some gold coins to indicate she was serious.
“No! Is this a setup?” Their eyes began to dart around, looking for cameras or ponies that would point and laugh at them.
“Not at all, I promi-”
“Who told you we sell drugs? The things ponies say about us!”
“Well, do you know some ponies that do?”
“Buzz off, ya narc!” The two fillies sprinted away from Twilight, telling each other that they’d have to let all their friends know that Twilight Sparkle was now narcing Ponyville. She was going to chase after them and try to convince them otherwise when Dash ducked her head out of the store’s door.
“All clear, let’s get us some ‘discounts.’” Dash whispered wickedly.
They went up to the counter, where Dash indicated there was a plate of display cupcakes. Mr. Cake was smiling at them from the other side of the counter.
“How ya doin'?”
“We’re doing awesome! Can’t wait to have one of your delicious-” Dash stopped suddenly, looking at a window off to her right. “Mr. Cake, look!” Mr Cake looked over, and Dash quickly turned back to Twilight and put a hoof to her lips. He looked back.
“Look at what?”
“There was some strange thing at the window just now! Really scary looking!” Twilight was about to question this, but clamped her mouth shut at the in recognition.
“Yikes.” Mr. Cakes said mildly.
“Please go see if it’s okay.” Dash begged in her most filly voice, which was not very well-practiced. “I’d go see, but I’m too scared.”
“Okay.” Mr. Cake said. He began to sneak bent-legged to the window Dash had indicated.
“It looked like have been a changeling in mid-change!” Dash said, covering up the noise of her reaching up to the plate of cupcakes and taking one. She took a big bite, consuming half the cake and the frosting atop it. Then she gestured for Twilight to step up to the plate. Twilight took the five steps up to the plate, a distance which seemed to have stretched out to half a mile now that she knew the intent. Her hooves on the floor all seemed to resonate like thunderclaps. However, the cupcakes did seem to be glowing on the plate like invaluable magical prizes, their succulent frosting looking better than an early dream of Ponykind. Her mouth did water so, even as the world around her turned darker, the light of everything but those pastries draining as a result of the world of sin she was entering.
“I don’t see anything peculiar out there.”
“Oh, keep looking. Maybe it changed. I’m so scared” Dash called. Then she growled at Twilight. “Hurry up.”
“But... but...”
“You’re hungry, aren’t you? Those cupcakes look delicious, right? Take one and eat it!”
“What’s that about taking and eating?” Mr. Cake said, his head half-turned back to the customers.
“Nothing! Go back to staring out the window!”
“You mad about something?”
“I’m mad with fear! Look for the...” Dash forget what it was she claimed she saw outside, “the... the thing!” Mr. Cake dutifully looked back outside. Dash decided to begin a more hooves on approach, and pushed Twilight forward.
“Hey!” Twilight shouted very hushed. Undaunted, Dash grabbed Twilight’s right front hoof and lifted it up to a cupcake. She slid it onto Twilight’s hoof, and began to bend her leg to plant the morsel in Twilight's mouth.
“Eat it!” Dash growled. Twilight turned her head away from the cake, and scrunched her lips up to avoid it being forced in.
“I... I can’t.” She whimpered. “It’s wrong.”
“Do it! The Princess assigned you to do it.” Dash’s statement backfired as the cupcake to Twilight’s eyes turned abruptly into the Princess’s head.
“Come on, Twilight,” it said with a smile and a sinister singsong voice, “eeeeaaaat me.” Twilight shrieked, and her horn glowed. The cupcake floated harmlessly back onto the plate. Color flooded back into Twilight’s world as the Princess’s head turned back into a cupcake. Dash’s legs on Twilight went limp in consternation.
“I’m sorry, Dash.”
“You know what? Forget this whole thing! It doesn’t matter what Celestia assigned you to do: you will always be a goody goody four-shoes!”
“You don’t-”
“Yes I do! I can’t get you to swipe a measly cupcake! You’re so wound up that when somepony tries to loosen you up ya just crumple in a heap!” Mr. Cake sauntered back over from behind the counter.
“Would you like to buy a third cupcake, Rainbow? I’ m running a half-off deal on the third cupcake.” Dash looked like she was about to have a conniption at his question.
“No, ssssshhhh !” Dash yelled at him. Twilight’s eyes narrowed and she smiled at the ruining of Dash's roguish facade.
“Ah, you paid for the cupcakes you were going to pretend to steal with me?” She hugged Dash close and adopted a little filly voice “dat’s so schweet of do!” Dash threatened to explode in her hooves.
That night, Twilight and Dash entered the Ponyville pub. Dash felt like kicking herself for her troublesome loyalty, since she was wearing a proper club dress while Twilight had brought that dress Rarity had made her that to Deash looked more like jammies. Nevertheless, she tried to look cool as the music, smoke, and din of chatter assaulted.
“Welcome to the Prancing Pony,” Dash said, “Ponyville’s greatest hive of scum and villainy. And great deals on fried cheese sticks, but that’s not important right now. “ Twilight tried very hard to be dazzled by the flashing lights, smells, and intimate dancing that she saw, but it really just looked like a lazier version of parties she’d already been to.
“That’s great! Soon I'll be drunk and having sssssseeeeee- getting laaaiiii-” She said.
“Don't start that again: We don't have all night. C'mon, let’s go get some party fuel and then find us some colts.” As they trotted to the counter, the sound of Wooden Toaster’s music drowned out all the little whispered statements about them that spread quickly through the pub.
“It’s that narc, Twilight.”
“She’s got Dash with her. She must be in on it too.”
“Maybe she’s joined vice.”
“I’m not talking to ‘em.”
At the bar, Dash and Twilight pulled up flanking stools and Twilight got out her coins again. The bartender with the troublesome name Bottoms Up came to serve them with a smile.
“Hey ladies, what’ll ya have?” Twilight looked to Dash for a suggestion.
“I’ll have a water in your dirtiest glass!” Dash said, bringing her hoof down on the bar with enough force to make a satisfied bang. She saw Twilight staring at her in surprise. “Hey, I can’t drink booze! I’ve got to stay in shape for the big race.”
“When’s that?” Twilight asked.
“I don’t know. You never know when one might break out.”
“Anyway, I’ll have the strongest thing two coins can get me!” She set two coins on the counter as the bartender with a flourish poured her brown liquid. She held it up to Dash. “Cheers.” Twilight took a swig, her eyes popped open and watered. She spat the whole thing out.
“PPPPPPFFPPGAAAGGH! It tastes like fermented apple cider!”
“It is fermented apple cider.” Said Bottoms Up, Twilight’s drink dripping from his face.
“Oh, I’m sorry!”
“It’s okay.” Bottoms up, still smiling the same smile as he dabbed his face with a towel. “Happens all the time. Can I get you something else.”
"Uh, could you get me the weakest thing two coins will get me.”
Thirty seconds later.
“PPPPPPFFPPGAAAGGH! I am SO sorry.”
"Happens all the time." Bottoms Up said, dabbing his face with a fresh rag.
Twilight wiped her lips with the back of her hoof, and dropped a large tip to for all the spat out booze. “OK, I think I’m all fueled up! Let’s go!” Dash finished off her water with a relish.
“Yeah!” She would have said anything to gently persuade Twilight not to spit another drink on Bottom's Up. The pair sauntered up to closest group of ruggedly handsome colts sitting around a table. The colts looked up at them a few seconds before anything was said. They’d been amongst those that first exchanged whispers when Twilight and Dash came in.
“Hey colts,” Dash opened with, “What’s up?”
“We were talking.” one of them said.
“Do ya mind, ya ugly nags!?” another added. The rest laughed or nodded in agreement.
“Well, excuuuuuuuuse you.”Dash said, and steered Twilight towards another table.
“Hey, maybe we should stick with those guys for awhile. They seem like some 'bad' colts.”
“Nah, just typical jerks. Not worth our time.”
As the evening wore on, Dash and Twilight worked their way through every customer in the entire pub and got every style of brushoff. Even after they tried splitting up, and with a trickle of new ponies throughout the night, their new reputations preceded them. Eventually, the call rang out.
“Closing time! You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.” The pair slunk out of the pub with all the less sober ponies.
“I don’t understand it, how can we be going home alone from a place like that? We must have been at least the fourth and fifth prettiest mares in there.”
“I think I know why, Twilight Stylecramper.” Dash muttered. She sighed. “Still we tried our best, and that’s all anypony can do.”
“That’s true.” Twilight responded. Then she stopped, struck by inspiration. Dash took a few more steps then stopped and looked back at her. “True... not true. That’s it!”
“You okay?” Twilight’s eyes brightened.
“I’m better than okay! I know what to do! You had the right idea back with that cupcake thing!”
“What?”
“Thank you Dash! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!” She gave Dash a good tight hug, and then sprinted home without further explanation, leaving her friend to rub the back of her head in confusion.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Oh my gosh, did I have a great time! I swore up a storm, I stole a lot of stuff, I did lots of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol! Heck yeah! And oh, the stallions I met! Equestria’s never seen such dirty se doing of it!
Still, it might be better if we end the assignment now. Otherwise, I might make all of Ponyville turn into such a wild, delinquent party town that it will become impossible to rule! I’ve just become the bomb to that extent!
Your Grateful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Popcorn
