The Wacky And Uncharacteristic Adventures of Circadian

by PearlyDoesStuff

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Original Character, Second Person, Comedy, Self Insert, Equestria Girls
Length: 5054

[EqG] My name is Circadian Bedside — welcome to my crappy life.

An anthology of short stories, following my OC/Self Insert and general menace to himself and everyone around him that makes him feel the wrong way about Equestria Girls plot arcs or just random stuff I felt like writing at the time.

Follow Circadian Bedside as he
• Commits several crimes against his sanity
• Sleeps in school
• Somehow prevents a magical apocalypse
• Stops a contrived slander campaign with his brain
• and more!

Not exactly the most quality story, but it's more than I normally do, and I can be proud of it.

Published 2022-08-13 16:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-12-07 06:50:37 UTC

Introductions to Yours Truly

Welcome, one and all, to my ever-unforgiving life! My name is Circadian Bedside, and you found my diary. I'd suggest you skip most of the deadpan snark I threw at everyone before High School and my first year, because boy does stuff happen!

Here's the rundown. I'm CHS' notoriously lazy and no-nonsense in-over-his-own-head guy. Oh, did I mention I'm very nocturnal? Turns out even the VP doesn't beat my insane night runs... Anyhow, let me tell you an average day for me, at least before a certain bacon-haired megalomaniac turned into a raging She-Demon... (Her words — not mine!)

I washed my face in the sink with cold water, just to get my head out of the clouds. Turns out being awake all night does that. I brush my white hair so it doesn't look like a messy disaster, get some breakfast, and walk all the way to school. Of course, I'm barely on time, and even I confuse myself on how I pull that off. Anyhow, I walk in, and oh boy, let the shenanigans start.

Renember that girl that turned into a raging she demon? Well, she's here to try to blackmail me - I swear she has something on everyone, but not on me, so I can tell from game set and match she probably made this up. We get into the nitty gritty, and wow. She claims I kick cats for laughs. She does realise that i don't get out of my house if I can avoid it, and I live in a tacky commie block with nothing to offer strays, right?

"Wow, Shimmer. Another made-up ""secret""." I roll my eyes for extra effect.

Sunset is visibly angry, and I can tell she's about to try and sock me for the mocking comment. I promptly turn tail and give her the finger for good measure. She deserves it for making everyone's life hell.

The bell rings, and I just get my ass to class. A few boring lessons (which I end up sleeping through - mind you!), and that wacky Science teacher who looks like a clown and I swear could make a bomb if he wanted to later, and I head back home, walking a half hour back home, not before stopping at my aunt's place to catch a snack. Really nice place, although they're all from Brayzil (no offense.), and well, that's about the day for me. If you wanna keep reading this, I think you might have a problem.

Circadian

P.S. Tell Shimmer to shove it up hers, if you know what I mean!

Author's Note

This story isn't going to update very commonly — writing the most flanderized snarky version of myself takes quite the damn bit of my soul to even try. Yes, Circadian is a self-insert.

Where Do I Even Begin

Skipping ahead here — brcause, honestly; you can't expect me to write about the same cycle ad nauseum for the better part of 20-or-so pages, right?

Anyhow, skipping to the Fall Formal, and I'm gonna give you the short and sweet of it. Magical pony princess's crown gets stolen, said pony princess comes through the portal to our world, que interdimensional confusion. (I even saw her bump into the door - that was rich!) But alas, que massive singalong in the cafeteria with that frankly atrocious hat and tail ensemble with the school's colors (how Rarity of all people thought that looked good on half the school I don't want to know, but hey, at least Flash's colorscheme actually matched!)

Enough of my snarky comments on the boring part, you want to read the less than flattering experience at the end.

Sunset puts on the crown, for some reason turns into a She-Demon, and 5 of my classmates suddenly get pony ears (I swear, two of them even had wings!) Also, everyone at the school got mind controlled. Oh, joy. Also, I may or may not have gotten a few cases of broken leg syndrome from that whole experience, and I still haven't gotten over it. I'm not so petty as to vandalise someone's locker (unlike a certain group of "friends" related to Dashie /sorry, Pinkie. Couldn't resist using that nickname./)

Anyhow, cut to the day after. Sunset's a fucking trainwreck and a half (and honestly? Can't blame her. Being blasted by a rainbow friendship laser probably does that to you.) Touché. Classes are even MORE boring now, and half the time I'm sharing a class with a certain bacon haired pony, I can't fucking resist the urge to put a black eye or two on her face;(despite my less than stellar physical strength, nevermind what my friends tell you about me when I snap or am jumped on adrenaline.)

Not like I could anyways, too many teachers basically half on student-watch and the Principals basically on suicide watch for Sunny. (Yes, I even have a nickname for her — though I only use it to tease her as revenge for breaking my legs after she turned into a demon.) Just, don't tell the school what I'd do if something like this happened again. Because, by god, I'd be so mad I wouldn't be in the mood to crack jokes.

Now, that's all for today's wacky and uncharted territory. If this is a dream (which I'm starting to wish it was), fuck my life.

Adieu, prospective reader, or spy, or whatever you are.

Circadian

P.S: would really appreciate if you told Pinkie to lay off the sugar treats, I'm kinda trying to stop eating too much sweet stuff.

I Need A Nap

Okay, and I thought peeking into the whole she-demon incident was bad enough. But hey, now you have to peek into my sleeping habits.

Too long didn't read: My sleeping schedule is so disorganised you might as well bash a door against Pinkie's head and whatever half-concussed nonsense she says would probably sound more logical than anything my jumpy sleep schedule could do.

The long part? Well, let's just say i have an unhealthy obsession with machinery and some less than stellar run-ins with some medical professionals. I'm not gonna go into detail, because god knows if I do you're going to blackmail me. Long and short of it, I'm so off my normal person life that I have like 5 visits to the doctor and have to take some pills to keep my nocturnalism down.

Ta-ta for now, I ACTUALLY am falling asleep while writing this. I don't know how I'm doing it.

Circadian

Of Laziness and Explosions

Well, here we go. Que unexciting flyover.
I walked down to school, and looked visibly worse than I normally do. (Oh joys of nocturnalism!) Alas, it's just another boring day. I fall asleep in class, some asshat tries to wake me up (this time, I believe Gilda tried - and almost succeeded were it not for the teachers covering for my case in the case she tried. She had a rap worse than Sunset's, if you could believe it. Not that mine is much more than "that lazy guy who sits in a corner and fiddles around with his phone when he's awake", but at least it's not "skilled blackmailer who gets away with it" or "professional punching bag maker".

So, I walked to my next class, and oh joy. It's the crazy ass science teacher, Mr. Discord. This is gonna end up in something exploding, isn't it?

Okay, gist of the class was we were supposed to mix sulfur with iron and then ignite it. Which, by the way, is a recipe for an explosion waiting to happen. Thanks, random science videos! Of course, I still do it out of sheer interest at seeing my classmates (except Derpy. I derive no enjoyment for stuff blowing up in her face.) either get blown up, fail from being too careful, or have some random mishap happen courtesy of ol' Shimmy's lapdogs, Snips and Snails. I swear, those two can fuck anything up and somehow still manage to do something useful when told to do so. It's quite perplexing.

But anyways, the bell just happened to ring, and oh sweet Faust above, it's break time. Let me just pull up the checklist: Pinkie Pie tries to bug me into socialising... check.
Flash talks to me while I handwave him away, check.
Microchips does nothing but fiddle with his computer, and accidentally causes a robot apocalypse, half-check. I swear, he's definitely going to cause one soon enough.
I eat my lunch in a corner and browse my phone for something interesting, also check. I end up pulling up Hooftube, and of course, new video from the Movie Club kids. And of course, it's them trying to do some wacky stunt and promptly failing humorously. I stifle a laugh at their expense, because my little corner just so happens to be near to their seats.

Well, nothing other than that whole day happened, so... let's just call it a day for your peeping, eh? You know the rest of my routine after school. Don't need to repeat it.

Author's Note

New chapter, hooray.
Hope you enjoy more of Circadian's dry humor and deadpanning.

Circadian Complains About The Teachers

Oh boy, today sucked. Like, actually, I wish Sunset had blackmail she could use on me kind of sucked. Got my hair ready (well as ready as I could get my bedhead with more tangled hair than Pinkie Pie.), washed my face, put on my clothes, and got to walking to school. Got into class, kicked up my phone and then, let the joys of the teachers being hypocritical begin.

I got told to put my phone away and begrudgingly complied (and seriously, what's the point of doing that if you let me do it for the past forever.) I had to hold myself back from uttering an insult that amounted to calling them a reject for a character they looked like from a show.

After that, it was mostly smooth sailing and getting some mild sideways looks from a certain rainbow-haired athlete because today was a gym day and well... let's just say my surname isn't Bedside for nothing — because you can bet your damn money all you like on me skipping class and being absolutely right about it! And no, I'm not ashamed of that!

Well, after that totally deserved break from annoying schoolmates, I packed my stuff and headed to the bus to catch the faster way home (Oh the wonders of living right in front of a bus station), grabbed some snacks from my aunt's (and ran into a somewhat annoyed AJ on the way, lemme guess - Dash), got home, and then basically did nothing but take a long ass nap (nocturnalism. Yay.) and play some games.

Ta-ta.

Rainbow, Rainbow Rocks

Author's Note

No wonder this took a new year to release. School's a bitch, and recapping Rainbow Rocks in first person when I haven't watched the movie in a while is going to be a hit hard for me.

Rainbow, Rainbow Rocks

"Another normal day, I hope." I said, with just the slightest bit of disdain. Of course, knowing my luck, I probably just jinxed the entire school and unleashed another magical cataclysm.

I washed myself as quickly as possible and brushed up my hair, but intentionally left it messy, because I like it that way. Grabbed my bag and phone, plugged my headphones in and started blasting some old military music at a low volume. Really gets you going in a good mood.

Today was some sort of music expo, I believe. So I walked into school and went to the auditorium because Faust above knows they'd all be there. As expected. I walked to the nearest corner, and of COURSE it had to be closest to the gang of wacky rainbow laser women and that unforgivable bitch. Of course, she wasn't there yet, but she'll be here soon. For her sake, let's just hope I keep my limiter straight. And speak of the devil, there she is.

Pinkie calls her over, cheerfully as usual. I can't be bothered to do much else other than shoot someone a death glare.

Wacky antics ensue, because it being that group, Pinkie will always find a way to do something stupid. Sunset gets called off to introduce some new students, and my gut tells me I jinxed it.

"Because why wouldn't it be one of those days?" I think, with honest-to-everything horror.

I immediately amp up the volume on my headphones to take the panic off my mind, then next thing I know half the school is going at it like someone just dropped a giant ball of gold to the floor.

The three new girls already put me off due to how they aren't fighting, and it looks like... they're singing? The only people who seem unaffected are them, the magic rainbow crew, myself and Vinyl Scratch. Of course. I fucking knew it. OF COURSE I HAD TO JINX IT!

Looks like the only way they'll get you to fight is if you listen to their music, so, I guess I have to keep my headphones plugged in for the rest of the day, which isn't a problem since I normally do that in the first place.

Okay, next, the principals walk in, and yeah, it went tits up. They both get brainwashed, and the leader of the singy-gals has decided it'd be a great idea to turn the music expo into some sort of musical tournament. My ears are gonna suffer, and I'm no good with any instruments, and my voice isn't exactly top quality singer material. So of course, I choose to sit this out, because I'm not a psycho with a degradation kink.

So, everyone gets ready and well, let's just say that it was pretty obviously rigged. Most of the music wasn't awful per se, but really the only tolerable ones were the rainbow gang and Flash's mooks. Trixie was passable at best, and I tuned out the magic evil brainwashing monsters for obvious reasons.

Cut to the finals, and since I can tell something is going to go wrong, I'm there early. I spot Ms. Magician & the Mooks from Somewhere Unimportant on the stage as the Rainbow Ladies walk in. An argument goes down, to literally no surprise from me, and they all fall down. Oh, 'n yeah, the Nerd's lookalike was there, with her dog. I think that trapdoor led below the stage, and they all fell for it. Guess it's up to me to play the cover story.

I pull up my phone and punch in Vinyl's number to get a chat going on MyStable and quickly tell her that they got knocked down, and the door's probably shut from the inside. And if my intuition is correct, considering the pony Princess was here, they were gonna need an audio booster.

You: girl, we got trouble. Trixie put the magic rainbow ladies under the stage with a trapdoor and the door's kinda shut and I don't want to get caught, can you bring an audio booster or anything that might help? I think I know where this is going

Music Mute: omw, will do

You: k, will be waiting for you and try and fix the whole door issue in the meanwhile

Okay, so Trixie is nowhere to be found, and the finals aren't for a few scant minutes. I have time. I take a deep breath and make a mad dash for the door, and quickly keep knocking on it, to which I can hear a muffled argument from Rarity and everyone else arguing over dresses, which Bacon Hair puts a stop to, which earns her some minor respect from me. I then open the door and brief them on the plan.

"Okay, thankfully I was here to save your rumps and get you clean and back. I called Vinyl over, and hopefully we can put this newest magical apocalypse behind me before I get another migraine." I commented, with absolutely no room for being talked back to.

They get up on the vantage point above the stage, and here we go. Everyone's here, I don't know how we didn't get caught, but it's time for the show.

And roll scene. This is about as well as it goes.

So, there's a gigantic pony with wings and a horn made out of rainbow laser magic and some trippy seahorse projections fighting it out for a moment. The pony wins, the magic ladies lose all of their superpowers, everyone's no longer fucked in the head and forced to fight, and I get off basically with only just the slightest feeling of heroism for getting the whole rigmarole set up to shut them down. Of course, I don't admit this at all, so really, the only ones that know are the rainbow ladies and Vinyl.

The Princess packs up to pony world, and that's the end of that mess and the rapid drain on my sanity.

I walk back home completely and utterly frazzled, and collapse on my bed as soon as I get there. I'm going to probably have some nightmares over this shit.

That Part Where Sunset Is Hated By Everyone (almost) Because of the Internet

It's a winter day. Shit. My favorite season. I wake up, very clearly annoyed, and get myself even remotely presentable before waiting a bit since I woke up early.

I kick up my phone, and MyStable is spamming me with notifications. Looks like something is going down. I open the app, and go figure. Some moron(s) made a page to spread the secrets of the school.

And that profile picture! Come on, can't you be any less blatant? That's just a cutout of the Bacon Lady! Whoever's behind this clearly hasn't heard of being too obvious for their own good! This doesn't match her MO, it's stupid as all hell and childish as fuck!

"The twenty-first century, am I right...?" I say in a disappointed tone.

Of course, I think this is idiotic and I can already tell the school's gonna be up in arms over this shit, so I start running some math on who it could be, because I'm bored as shit.

Anyone who's had their secrets posted is right out, and that secret of AJ's seems way too personal for just anyone to have gotten their hands on it. This hugely narrows down my pool of possible people.

Her grandmother isn't even a possibility, that woman couldn't operate a fucking flip phone. Big Mac isn't the type to do this kind of crap, and if I know AJ well enough, it's probably likely her friends know by now as well.

Of course, it's about time for my bus to arrive, so I head out, catch the bus and stop near school, then walk the rest of the way while racking my brain.

I arrive at the door, and everything is weirdly normal, except for the occasional asshole making pig noises whenever AJ's nearby. I think that's crass and I would have delivered some vigilante justice by way of a punch to the nose, but I don't have the energy to deal with this right now.

I get my ass through classes until cafeteria hour just barely avoiding falling asleep from my head racing to try and figure something out to deal with this situation before it devolves into someone (Gilda, most likely) doing something that'd get them put in the slammer, and with good reason.

I doubt Fluttershy could ever even do this, she's way too much of a doormat, and it goes against her entire personality to do something like this, Rarity is the gossip mill's queen, but even she has some standards, and ruining AJ like that would get her killed.

I walk up to the cafeteria station while constantly pacing around trying my damnedest to think about who could be behind this, but even with that first piece of dirt, this is way too circumstantial to have a definitive answer.

"Hey, can I have my usual?" I ask.

Of course, Granny Smith gives me the usual food I eat whenever I come here if at all, and I don't really expend much energy so just two apples is pretty much enough to last me for a while.

I'm actually invested in something for once, so I choose to sit near to the rainbow ladies, which doesn't get them to bat much of an eye (thanks, magical apocalypse!) and keep listening into the conversations they make.

"Listen, what Ah think is that you did it!" Applejack states with both disgust and confidence.

Sunset immediately recoils at the accusation and denies it, but clearly, even the magical girls who've saved the world can be torn apart by some comedically blatant framing attempt by some clueless idiot. Rarity immediately backs Applejack, which makes me a little suspicious, but those two are about as subtle as a train wreck with how they feel about each other, so I don't think it's the case for long.
Rainbow doesn't use her brain (as usual) and agrees as well, with Fluttershy following behind her out of what I assume is blind loyalty, because I can tell she hesitates a little, but cooler heads prevail for now and the group doesn't immediately split, but Sunset seems a little more excluded from activities.

They end up making plans for a sleepover at Rarity's, and I tune the convo out from there. I finish eating, head outside and back to classes for the rest of the day until it ends.

I catch my bus ride back home, and play some games for a while until I fall asleep, and the next day, EVERYTHING IS ON FUCKING FIRE.

"Faust almighty, what is happening right now!?" I react with honest to all seven heavens shock at how my phone is going insane with the notifications. Apparently the chief idiot posted another secret.

This time it's some pictures of what looks to be the friend group in some utterly disgusting clothing that even my horrible fashion sense thinks is a crime against humanity.

And that's actually a hint, too. Rarity claims the photos were from Sunset's phone, which I think she's right on, but considering they were at a sleepover... at her house...

I think I know who's behind this. Well, actually, it's multiple people. It's the kids who run the movie club. Only Apple Bloom would have access to AJ's nickname that easily without asking, and considering Sunset's phone was likely stolen to post those photos, it can only be Sweetie Belle. And since those three are more joined at the hip than anyone else I know, Scootaloo has to be involved in some way.

I clean myself up for once, get my hair straight which I normally don't do, but I have to be at my best to call these kids put and have them take me seriously.

I put on a hoodie, some long panths and head out for the day, and into school.

I of course, wait at the door after getting there early, because boy oh boy this is way too much of an opportunity to pass up. I can tell that the rainbow gals have definitely split down the middle after yesterday's leaks. I write up a paper note to pass to Shimmy when I see her, telling her I know who the culprits are, and that I'll deal with them for her.

"Hey, Shimmy. Not your biggest fan, but this is just a low blow and an insult to everyone's intelligence. I know who's playing the bullshitter on MyStable and I'll talk to them and get them to stop and confess. And I'll tell you too, just so you know who you need to have hooked to a cross or whatever apt punishment you feel like doling out. Hint: They're your friend's relatives, and are younger than they are. Yeah, it's Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
Your not-so-best friend and probably one of few people with a brain left here, CB."

I spot her, and pass her the note soon after.
"Girl, you might wanna read that."

I wait out by the wall behind the gates and wait for everyone to pass by, out of sight. Of course, soon after, the kids come out the gate and I catch them in the act.

"Look who's spreading the secrets of the entire school body... I figured it was you three after the Rarity leaks, but jeez. You're sloppy at best."

Of course, the three of them attempt to deny it vehemently, but it doesn't go to plan for them as I point out that their phones are logged into the Anon-a-Miss account. I take a picture for the evidence and tell them to fess up to the principals under my watch. They collectively agree because they know they're fucked if it comes out any other way.

"Hey, boss lady. Might have figured out which kids were behind that whole scandal with the leaks of people's secrets. Alright, you three, get your asses over here."

The principal is a little annoyed at my use of crass language, but the kids walk in. And jeez, do they never give up? They try to deny it again, but I point out I have proof, and Sweetie breaks the dam. She confesses that only she was behind it, probably an attempt to save her friends from punishment, but I point out that all three of them were in on it.

The principal doesn't buy Sweetie's sob story one bit, and orders a school wide meeting in the auditorium through the PA. Of course, everyone else is surprised and I can hear minor grumbling as I walk there, but they set up the grand exposé.

Of course, the kids get called out in front of the entire school, the teachers make a public show of deleting the account, and slap those three with a year of no tech access and after that they have to be on permanent supervision by an adult or an upperclassman if they are to use any technology, and they're on the cross on that too, no more than 10 minutes at a time.

My gut tells me that their houses probably ruined them more, but that's not for me to decide how to feel about, they deserve every last bit of it.

That was the end of the auditorium exposé, and everyone went back to class. The air was basically so thick it could kill with how tense everyone was. I just finished what I had to do and quickly got out of school before I could get murdered.

I didn't feel like playing any games today, so I just ate some food and went to bed.

Author's Note

Anon-a-Miss, huh? Yeah, this is pretty clearly me mocking the plot for how contrived it is by having Circadian use his brain to solve it.

The other students' secrets were posted too, I just glossed over it, because Circadian is more of the type of person to hyperfocus on more major leads.

Sleepless Nights

Like I said, FUCK ME. I can't sleep for shit, and even when I try, the fucking nightmares. I seriously need to get checked out for some stuff, because "magical singing pony world demon trauma" sounds like a sentence straight out of an insane asylum.

So here I am, at 2 AM in the godforsaken morning, scrolling through my phone and cursing my life. Which to be fair, practically just a Tuesday for me. Huh. Something tells me that was an ironic twist of words given prior context, something to do with tacos...?

Anyhow, the problem still stands. I'm unable to sleep. I'll feel this in the morning by feeling more ungodly tired than I USUALLY ALREADY AM.

Convenient jumpcut!

Five hours later, and I was right. I can barely see straight, genuinely feels harder to move than it should, and the constant attempts at shut-eye really do not help that point...

Anyways, I sluggishly get my ass over the kitchen and probably overdose on soda. I'm not touching coffee, I'd rather die of a sugar rush that'd make Pinkie blush. Anyways, tangent aside, my vision's not blurry anymore, so I cook up what is probably easily described as a mistake. Burnt apples... eugh of a lifetime.

I try again and again, consistently hitting an ungodly Nat 1 every time I try to make something more complicated than boiling water. I give up and just slap some ham between two slices of bread. I've survived on less...

I get dressed in probably God's worst combination of colors known to man. What can I say, sleep deprivation does that to you. I can already hear the wailing from a certain fashion stylist. I get out of my house, lock the door, catch the bus and get some of the shittiest sleep ever, I swear that made me feel more tired than awake, and get to school.

I notice that nobody else managed to look as awful as I do, so that's a relief for them. I go to my locker, grab my shit and head to class... where to absolutely nobody's surprise, I collapse on the spot as soon as I sit down. Time to sleep through the day again. Honestly, better ways to spend the day, but don't tell anyone I said that. Bell rings and wakes me up for a break, which I unsurprisingly take by falling back asleep.

I didn't feel hungry at all, morning breakfast attempts killed that for me already. Anyhow, the rest of the day goes by about as expected, with me sleeping through classes (though this time not due to me actively trying to fall asleep) and I'm stuck with a massive pile of homework.

Time to leave, and I catch the bus and hit the hay as soon as I'm in my bed. Hopefully this time, I'll actually manage to get some proper rest.

Author's Note

So yeah, new chapter after... God knows how long!

School happened, yay.