I'll Huff and I'll Puffby AcologicChaptersDay NilDay IDay IIDay IIIDay IVDay VDay VIDay VIIDay VIIIDay Nil‘So, you think this is funny, Luna?’ ‘Very.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘You don’t see this as a problem, hmm? Not an issue whatsoever?’ ‘Not whatsoever.’ ‘Hmph.’ That they were as high as they were and able to converse so casually was, surely, impressive; take the previous literally. An oddly durable hot-air balloon and a non-existent missing-princesses report marked the start of another peculiar misadventure, one in which the sisters’ powers of deduction would be tested. Celestia, ever sceptical, ever certain, had quickly concluded the business was the doing of – who else? – Tirek. Luna, ever ready to enjoy the buffets of life, was making the most of things. ‘I can’t see so much as a bird through these blasted clouds!’ ‘Use your horn! Clear the sky a bit.’ ‘And are you going to chip in?’ ‘No.’ ‘And why is that?’ ‘Clouds are nice.’ ‘Are they.’ ‘They are, Sister, yes.’ ‘Luna…’ Celestia did not want to do it. She really did not want to do it. She couldn’t stand the dawning realisation that she had to do it, but – as one would deem common in the case of a dawning realisation – she knew she had to do it. They had, for better or worse, brought their T-Kams, and that meant Tirek was but a plunge away. She hadn’t so much as mentioned him in conversation since the tonic experiment, but Luna wasn’t going to help – not yet, anyway. She sighed. ‘I say it’s Tirek, and I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but we –’ Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘We should speak to him – and I’m not happy about it, believe me.’ Luna looked astonished. ‘Sister,’ she began, a smile forming, ‘you actually want to speak to Tirek? After the tonic fiasco? After the revolution? After –?’ ‘Yes, I know, I know!’ snapped Celestia. ‘But I say this stupidity is his doing, and it’s high time we found out! I can’t spend another second in this basket! Luna, I am not –’ she said firmly. ‘I am not going to miss the incineration of warehouse fifteen!’ ‘What’s the plan?’ asked Luna. ‘Get a DAG to knock it out of him?’ ‘If I didn’t know you were joking, I’d agree entirely. In fact, I think it’s a good idea either way.’ ‘I was joking! Tirek’s practically our friend now, sister; you can’t treat him like a lab rat anymore!’ ‘I am perfectly within my rights as a princess to see administered whatever treatment I deem necessary!’ said Celestia. ‘Now enough! We’re going to speak to Tirek, and if I sense that he is even remotely involved, he’s going to pay! And this time it won’t be pretty! “Tankies” and blackjack… That little insect has enjoyed my indulgence for far too long!’ Regarding the hot-air-balloon situation, the first fact of which one must become aware is that Celestia and Luna were perfectly capable of flying out of the basket and into freedom. The second such fact is that this would benefit them not whatsoever, for the inexplicable quantity of dense cloud rendered even a free, flying alicorn as helpless as a foal in a shopping mall. Though Celestia had not yet attempted to dispel so much as a single wisp, not even she was capable of tackling these numbers – even if she could bring herself to try. ‘Right,’ said Celestia, fumbling for her T-Kam. ‘It’s time. We’re going to nail the rotter; you mark my words, Luna. You mark my words!’ Luna rolled her eyes and plunged into T-Kam. Celestia followed suit. Tartarus had changed after the fire; rather, Tirek’s new cell was completely untraditional. Picture a retirement home; picture the room into which the staff stuff their charges to watch TV; then picture a bedsit, combine the two, shrink the proportions to meet the needs of but one occupant, and there you have it. The big bad had even managed to procure a dark wallpaper reminiscent of the stone that once constituted his FoodRock. Nostalgia, it seemed, was valued by imprisoned villains too. ‘No,’ he muttered, setting down his book on the stationary DAG’s head and squinting to get a better look at his captors. ‘It – it can’t be!’ He gave a great whoop, then promptly collapsed onto the floor in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. ‘Do you think he’s pleased to see us?’ asked Luna, grinning. Celestia wasn’t amused. ‘He'll sober up soon enough, I daresay!’ she said. ‘Do you think you’re tough?’ Luna called, laughing, and Tirek doubled up. ‘Oh, how I’ve missed this!’ he wheezed, gasping for air, tears of mirth streaming down his face. ‘Oh, happy, happy day!’ ‘Tirek,’ said Celestia, glowering at him. The horn he’d lost was still on her head, a fact she despised – first, she thought it made her look stupid and, second, it reminded her that she owed Tirek perhaps her life. ‘Aha! Aha, ha!’ Tirek danced. ‘Oh, it’s a lark, you know. It’s a real fun time down here. Well, it will be now! It will be, make no mistake! Now that you’re here! Aha! Aha, ha!’ ‘Shut up!’ Celestia hissed. Luna giggled and saluted Tirek, who bowed in return. Celestia signalled the DAG, and it clanked into life. Tirek’s book flew off its head and hit the floor with a rustle of pages. This put a swift stop to Tirek’s merriment. His face fell; he surveyed Celesia with hurt eyes. ‘Oh, come, now,’ he said. ‘Not again. Not another petty power struggle. Can’t we be chill with each other? Treat each other right? Didn’t you enjoy our last escapade? The camaraderie?’ ‘I can assure you that I did!’ said Luna. ‘Man! A journey for sure!’ ‘And do I sense –’ Tirek’s voice was quivering with anticipation. ‘Do I sense perhaps – the makings of another?’ ‘We shall see!’ snarled Celestia before Luna could answer. She marched over to him, remembered that she could not touch him and signalled the DAG, which obliged. Its powerful metal digits lifted Tirek into the air by the scruff of his neck. ‘I’ve had enough, do you hear me, Tirek? Enough! I’ve had it. I’m tired, and I’ve had it. You’ll stop this nonsense right now, or –’ ‘You’ll bring back my tonic?’ he suggested, and Luna snorted. ‘Nothing of the sort!’ Celestia grinned nastily. ‘I’m taking an interest in psychological warfare. They say that to repeat incessantly any piece of popular music is to drive insane those who are subjected to it.’ ‘So, you want to guinea-pig me again, is that it? Come on, I thought you’d learned!’ Tirek looked nonchalant in spite of his blatantly uncomfortable position. ‘I don’t care anymore!’ Celestia threw at him. ‘I’m sick and tired! Get us out of the sky now, or –’ ‘The what? The sky? What’s she on about?’ he asked Luna, who grinned back and signalled the DAG to drop its quarry. ‘Oof! Ah, thanks.’ ‘Well, to give you the short version – and I think there is only a short version – we woke up in a hot-air balloon, and we can’t see a thing because of the clouds. And we’re just – floating.’ Luna shrugged. ‘A weird one, eh?’ ‘I’ll say!’ Tirek slapped his thigh. ‘Well, that sounds a hoot! How I’d love to be there with you. Ah, the games we’d play – blackjack, remember?’ ‘All too well!’ snarled Celestia. ‘And you can shred the paper-thin merry-perry act, Tirek! You don’t fool me! What have you done? Your magic isn’t nearly powerful enough to –’ ‘It’s not me,’ he said, shrugging, ‘though I hope you know that I so wish it was.’ ‘That I so wish it were, you ignoramus!’ Luna said in Celestia’s voice, and Tirek spluttered with laughter. Celestia ground her teeth. ‘Right,’ she said. ‘Right! We’ll get to the bottom of this, Tirek. I’ll get to the bottom of it, don’t think I won’t! And when I do, and when I get back here – curtains!’ Tirek yawned. ‘Yes, yes. Knives and music and elastic bands. Heard it all before.’ ‘Right. Well. Good! Luna? We’re done here!’ As Celestia pulled out of T-Kam, she resigned herself to the disappointing possibility that she would see a lot more of Tirek’s new cell – and that she would likely experience a host of bizarre, even inexplicable instances before unearthing the source of their predicament. How very right she was. Day IWatching the endless, shapeless clouds bent Celestia’s brain. She felt as though her eyes were swimming in cotton wool. The air was completely agreeable, by which she was pleased – but if one were to press her to submit further positives, she would struggle to oblige. ‘Luna, you didn’t happen to bring anything useful, did you?’ ‘Bring anything? Sister, we didn’t come here in the first place!’ ‘Well, quite. Hmph. I hoped – well, there it is.’ ‘Ah, but look! The free sky! The fresh air! Oh, give a smile, Sister; we’re in a good spot!’ ‘Until we starve,’ Celestia reminded her. Luna waved the thought away. ‘Nonsense! A simple dema-rema summoning spell! The food dematerialises in –’ Luna closed her eyes. ‘The Canterlot Larder! I love that place! So, we visualise. And then we rematerialise it – aha!’ Two loaves of egg-spread-topped bread popped into the air and fell into the basket with a merry thud. Celestia beamed at Luna. ‘I can’t even work that spell! Luna, you’re a genius!’ ‘How do you think I ate for a thousand years?’ said Luna, laughing. She bit into her bread. ‘Ah, there’s the flavour! Oh, man! The Canterlot Larder, I tell you! You ever eat at the Larder, Sister?’ ‘Catch me in there?’ said Celestia scathingly. ‘What do you think? Although – well, it isn’t exactly difficult to make bread. Yes, I’ll admit this is nice. The bread, that is. Not this – this nonsense. Tirek. How has he done it?’ ‘You really get dead sure about a lot of things very quickly, Sister. Not the happiest habit in the world, you know. Some would call it narrow-minded.’ ‘Huh. Luna, somepony has to get us out of this mess. I start with Tirek. A safe bet.’ ‘Wouldn’t Discord be more likely?’ Luna suggested. ‘I mean, the style just screams –’ ‘No, no,’ said Celestia irritably. ‘Not a chance. He would be here right now, gloating. No, this is a subtler mind. As much as I hate to credit him, Tirek has –’ She snapped her hooves, searching for the word. ‘Game?’ ‘Yes, exactly. He has game. “Remember the blackjack,” he says. All too well, I say again! He wants to make me squirm! And he benefits, of course. Solitary confinement indeed! He must have been dying to see my face again! To play another “game”. Just wait, Luna! I’ll have him! I’ll have him under my hoof!’ ‘Oh, Sister, look!’ Luna pointed excitedly. Celestia turned, frowning. ‘What?’ she said. ‘There!’ Below a body of water was visible – enormous, endless like the clouds. As a welcome sight it could not be exactly described, for their location remained as much a mystery as ever. Nevertheless, to have confirmed one’s assumption that the world consisted of more than white cloud was ever-so-slightly reassuring. Celestia certainly felt that way. Then she frowned. ‘It is Tirek!’ she said. ‘It must be! A vast ocean? How else could our T-Kams have signal? Impossible! And why else would they but to visit him? And why do we even have them with us? He must have rigged this. He must have! Well, if he thinks I’m going to play along –’ ‘What would you even do about it?’ Luna asked. ‘I mean, if he’s got us here, what can we do?’ ‘Well,’ Celestia began, bemused. ‘We could – well, I’ll just have the DAGs force him to cooperate!’ ‘And if he’s innocent?’ ‘Oh, please! Luna, you don’t like that old fogey, do you?’ Luna raised her hooves defensively. ‘I’m just saying! Seems an awful shame to torment an innocent. And we did have fun testing the tonic. Come on, Sister! You know it’s true!’ ‘Hmph. Yes, well, I’ll admit we had our moments. But don’t think I forgot the sickness! Or the revolution!’ ‘Well, Cadence has handled it all nice and good. And I know because I can see what ponies think at night! Hey, hold up!’ ‘Hm?’ ‘How am I going to raise the moon? Can I even enter a dream?’ ‘Well, when we go to sleep, you can just try to – well, what is it you even do?’ ‘I just –’ Luna shrugged. ‘Just do. Yeah, I guess I’ll find out the hard way. Although –’ She grinned. ‘If I can’t, I won’t pretend I miss the workload. It’s horror week at the Regal. Curse late-night cinema!’ ‘But if I can’t lower the sun, you might not have to worry. Who’ll sleep in daylight?’ ‘Ponies who haven’t slept in days?’ ‘Yes, yes, you’re very funny. I was joking.’ ‘Hah. No, you weren’t!’ ‘Luna, you – you couldn’t conjure me up a nice tea, could you?’ Luna snorted. ‘A nice tea! A nice tisane, you mean! You wouldn’t know a cuppa if it fell over your mane!’ ‘Well, could you?’ ‘Sure, sure! Canterlot Larder, though! You’ll have to get used to the taste.’ Celestia sighed, but she was grateful. Soon both were sipping their preferred form of brewed leaves. A nasty thought entered Celestia’s head. ‘Luna,’ she said, ‘you don’t think we’ve snapped?’ ‘Snapped? No. And who?’ she added, shrugging. ‘You or me?’ ‘Huh. Both?’ ‘Who knows?’ Celestia sighed and gently let the steam from her tisane moisten her tired eyes. ‘We’ll try to push Tirek some more tomorrow, then. Try to see what he can tell us. Honestly? I’ve no leads. You’re right, Luna. I’m in the dark. Then again – it has to be him, yes? Who else?’ Luna downed her mug and chuckled. ‘Second-guessing doesn’t help. I like your first idea.’ She shrugged again. ‘And if he can’t help, then who knows? We could be stuck here awhile.’ ‘But – but it’s just so boring!’ Luna cackled. ‘And with that very sentence you’ve made it a lot more fun for me!’ Day IITirek was a happy centaur; of that fact Celestia was painfully aware. Smugness oozed from every pore of his crinkled face. He lounged in his armchair, book in hoof, mug on the table beside him. To wipe the smirk was her prerogative, though exactly how she would – tired and befuddled – she did not know. ‘Ah, Your Highness,’ he aimed at her, leering once she and Luna had plunged into T-Kam. ‘Again I am graced by your most desirable presence. How’s the weather up there?’ ‘Pretty decent, actually!’ Luna chipped in. ‘No rain. Cool air. It’s a holiday, really!’ Tirek chuckled. ‘How wonderful! And –’ He grinned again. ‘How are you finding it, Highness? Not too taxing, I hope?’ Celestia scowled. ‘I’m not here to be subjected to your so-called wit. That was the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in centuries!’ ‘Aha! So, you managed it, then?’ ‘Well,’ said Luna, yawning, ‘we tried. Strangest sleep I’ve had in centuries, no doubt. Dreamless. Dreamless sleep! And not just me – everypony! Not a dream to be had! I mean –’ She grinned. ‘As I told my sister – no complaints! Workload’s off, isn’t it? Hah!’ ‘How delightful!’ Tirek closed his eyes and bowed in his chair, his gums showing as he leered. ‘I am so pleased it was to your taste.’ ‘If you want to make it any more obvious,’ Celestia hissed, her head aching, ‘that you – you! – are responsible, I only dare you to continue, Tirek.’ ‘Oh, come, now! If I were involved in this charming situation, you wouldn’t ask, believe me! My hooves are clean in the matter, entirely clean! You think I like it down here? As sad as it is to say – and no one likes to hear it said less than I – your visits are a highlight!’ ‘And that’s my point entirely!’ exclaimed Celestia. ‘You can’t escape Tartarus, so you’ve settled for this!’ ‘Sister, I think it’s clear – stalemate. Impasse. How about we make the best of it?’ ‘The – what? Luna!’ she spluttered. ‘You – you passive little lounger! I can’t believe it! When are you finally going to take some responsibility?’ Luna appeared to care about Celestia’s frustrations as little as Tirek said he did. Boredom-induced lethargy, however, prevented Celestia from reaching her idea of appropriate anger. Instead she tossed her hooves and shook her head. ‘I’m glad you’re starting to hear sense,’ said Tirek. ‘Make the best of things! I’ve learned how to. Luna knows better than most! Now we teach you this vital skill.’ ‘Teach me,’ said Celestia through gritted teeth. Tirek grinned. ‘Well, the first step is simple enough – acceptance. Wouldn’t you agree, Luna?’ ‘Nail on the head, old boy! Lighten up, Sister; he’s right! Acceptance – always first. It’s you; you’re here; deal with it.’ Luna raised her brow. ‘Out of interest, Tirek, how long did step one take you?’ Tirek smiled slyly. ‘Many years. Only after Twilight thwarted my breakout did I truly manage it.’ ‘Many years?’ Celestia moaned. ‘Many years! Luna, I don’t have many years!’ ‘Of course you do! Took me – eighty-seven years? Yep, eighty-seven years. Ah, OK. Yeah, I’m starting to see your point. Eighty-seven years in a hot-air balloon sounds like a long time. It won’t come to that, though.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Master-plan rule.’ ‘What?’ ‘Master-plan rule, right, Tirek? Villains don’t wait eighty-seven years. They want to brag about how clever they are.’ Tirek took a gulp from his mug and nodded. ‘Quite right!’ He deliberated. ‘Unless time is relatively short for him and relatively enormous for you. Eighty-seven years in sixty seconds, you know?’ ‘Oh, so that’s the game, is it?’ Celestia said, glaring at him. Tirek sighed. ‘Revert to my previous point. “Wasn’t me!” And who’d be so elaborate? I’d blast you to a cinder with your own magic! Besides, aren’t you missing the obvious?’ ‘What’s that?’ Celestia grunted. ‘Discord? Master of Chaos?’ ‘Ahead of you,’ said Luna, grinning. ‘And that’s my theory as well, but she’s so fixated on you she won’t give it the time of –’ ‘OK! Maybe it is Discord! Happy?’ ‘I am!’ said Luna and Tirek in unison. They looked at each other and burst into laughter. ‘You’d better teach me step two,’ croaked Celestia, rubbing her eyes. Luna recovered first. ‘Step two is gratitude, Sister! You’re still alive; you’re still whole! You can eat and drink and speak and walk and fly!’ ‘Maybe we should fly away,’ said Celestia. ‘Middle of nowhere or not, I’d take that chance.’ ‘Gratitude, Sister, gratitude! If you’re wrong, will you rest on the water? You’ve a dry basket in which to sleep. Step two is gratitude!’ ‘Yes, and how can I be grateful when I’m still struggling with step one?’ ‘No harm in trying!’ ‘Hmph.’ ‘Step three,’ Tirek interrupted, ‘is inspiration!’ ‘Inspi— what?’ ‘He’s got it! Inspiration, Sister, inspiration! You must turn the time into positivity. Into art! Did you know that there’s a sculpture of Nightmare Moon on the moon? Made it myself, with my own shed feathers!’ ‘And I invented and deployed my own language,’ said Tirek smugly. ‘Carved the lexicon into rock using a spoon. Then you transferred me.’ He sighed. ‘But I still remember. “Hurkel binka wixpo”. Means “I am here”, though “binka” is the infinitive. Dialect, to say it like that. Hah, I even wrote dialect!’ ‘So, get inspired, Sister!’ Luna said, attempting to thump her on the back. (Her translucent hoof passed through Celestia’s avatar.) ‘Do poetry! I’ll keep the food and drink coming. Get comfortable. Relax! Imprisonment’s a skill, and we’ll teach you.’ ‘I need some air,’ murmured Celestia. ‘You’re breathing the same air, Sister,’ said Luna. ‘It’s psychological, Luna!’ snapped Celestia with some of her old vigour. ‘Steps one, two and three indeed. You villains and your games. I’ve had enough.’ She pulled out of T-Kam, Luna and Tirek grinning at her as she vanished. Day IIIThough ‘hot-air balloon’ described accurately the vessel upon which Celestia and Luna sat, it failed to underline the perplexing nature of its flight. No burner of fuel enabled the envelope, and even to their trained eyes no magical source of power was apparent. ‘It’s positively sinister!’ Celestia said for the third time. ‘Luna, we can’t stay here forever! I won’tdo it! Anything?’ For Luna, using her magic, had conjured a coil of rope, tied it around her waist and flown below the cloudline, hoping to glimpse more than sea or sky. ‘Not a bird,’ she said, securing the rope so that it mostly dangled over the edge of the basket. ‘Scarcely a wave, Sister. Nice down there, though. It’s like going for a walk – except flying.’ ‘Here,’ said Celestia, tossing Luna a slice of bread. ‘Jam?’ ‘Please.’ ‘What’s for dinner?’ ‘What would you like?’ ‘Sunday roast, please, with turnip mash too. And make sure the potatoes are cooked properly!’ ‘Can’t do it. How am I supposed to know whether somepony’s made a roast? I need to visualise!’ ‘Fine, fine.’ Celestia sighed and rubbed her eyes as Luna bit into her jeely piece. Luna watched, chewing. ‘Whah?’ she said, mouth full. ‘What? What do you mean “what”?’ Luna shrugged and swallowed. ‘What?’ ‘I’m tired! I don’t know where we are, what’s going on!’ ‘So? Neither do I.’ Luna grinned in spite of herself. ‘Step one, Sister; acceptan—’ ‘To blazes with your steps, girl! What do we do next?’ Luna shrugged again. ‘Eat some brioche for dessert?’ ‘No! No, no, no! I mean about this. OK, Luna, OK!’ Celestia said angrily. ‘You’ve made it perfectly clear you aren’t serious about helping. I understand. Forgive me if I don’t join in!’ ‘Sorry, Sister. Hah, it’s just funny watching you get mad. Sorry. OK. What do we do next?’ ‘Well, that’s my point! What? I don’t know!’ ‘And you’d like me to –’ Luna paused. ‘Suggest?’ ‘Yes, suggest, suggest! What’s our next move? What was our last move? Oh, I’m sick of this! OK. We know we’re nowhere. Or somewhere nowhere near anywhere – yes. So, what about our magical options? You can conjure food. Good. Great. What about parchment? A quill? Can we send a letter? I could, with my magic. To Twilight. Then she’ll find a way to –’ ‘Nice thinking!’ Luna said, smiling at Celestia. ‘See, Sister? You’re already learning to accept! You’ve accepted that you don’t need to reach wit’s end to form a plan!’ Celestia sighed and closed her eyes. ‘Yes, yes. Acceptance. Whatever. Well, Luna? Could you?’ ‘Quill and parchment? Coming up!’ Her spell succeeded, and the items fell into Celestia’s lap. Celestia beamed. ‘Where I’d be without you – OK. Oh, and ink, of course,’ she added. Another pop. ‘Good, excellent. OK. Now the question is – what do we say?’ ‘We’re stuck in a balloon in the sky somewhere. What else can we say?’ ‘Yes, I was hoping for something rather more eloquent. How about “My dear student Twi—”’ ‘Student? You still call her that?’ ‘Force of habit, Luna. “Dearest Twilight”, then. “Luna and I are –”’ ‘“Dearest”,’ snorted Luna. ‘You know Twilight. What is this, an epistle?’ ‘It doesn’t hurt to be formal. It’s polite.’ ‘Actually, I think it’s impolite. I think politeness used to be polite, but what passes for “politeness” these days is not.’ ‘What are you talking about, Luna?’ ‘That’s the thing, see. “Politeness” is “Oh, I’m ever so sorry, Princess Luna, but I’m afraid we haven’t any in stock.” And it comes with that fake smile, and sometimes you get that horribly strained forced laughter. Time was ponies meant it when they told me that. “Politeness” was politeness because it was sincere. Now it’s a ritual ponies follow because they’re afraid they’ll be attacked if they don’t.’ ‘What were you buying?’ ‘Bunny slippers, but that’s not the point. And I’m just using retail as an example. How about in the street? You see a pony stroll up; face is relaxed and serious-looking; then as soon as they spot you, the greetings and the nods and the fake laugh appear. Honestly? Rudeness is politeness nowadays. Well, not “rudeness”, but, like – you know! Sincerity! If you’re angry, you’re angry – you yell. If you’re sad, you don’t put on a smile. See what I’m getting at?’ Celestia realised she very rarely heard Luna complain about anything. Perhaps the idleness was getting to her. ‘Luna, I am sincere! “Dearest” is how I begin my letters! I always have!’ ‘I know,’ said Luna, and she smiled again. Celestia found this oddly disheartening. So often her problems were the topic of their discussion. Luna’s remained largely unspoken. Now grew an uncomfortable silence, one in which Celestia saw her own deficiencies as a sister. ‘Anyway,’ said Luna quickly, as though her frustration were trivial. ‘Where were we?’ ‘“Luna and I are”,’ Celestia said quietly. ‘Yeah. OK, what are we? How about “missing”?’ Celestia sighed and smiled. ‘Why not? You’re right. What more can we say? “Missing”. OK.’ ‘And just throw in something about the sea and the sky. And the clouds. And that we woke up in the basket. Oh, and that we have our T-Kams. Oh! And that she can contact us via T-Kam because we have signal! Anything else?’ Celestia grinned. Luna blinked at her. It was her turn to ask. ‘What?’ Celestia did not reply, only grinned more widely. ‘What?’ repeated Luna, starting to grin too. Celestia pointed, and Luna turned. ‘Wha—? Oh!’ The red envelope of a hot-air balloon had penetrated the cloudline. The sisters watched in silence as its skirt came into view – and then the basket. In it, her eyes wide and her mouth open, stood Princess Cadence – and, blinking, five others. Day IV‘Mm,’ said Rapidfire appreciatively, munching on his jeely piece. ‘Thanks, Princess.’ Luna was too preoccupied with conjuring another loaf for Cadence and Celestia to notice. With her rope she had secured together the balloons. Cadence and Rapidfire had flown to Luna and Celestia’s and freed space in Cadence’s for the wingless. Nurse Redheart and Doc Top had refused jam in favour of butter, in their words, ‘to balance the starch’. Jet Set and Upper Crust looked thoroughly miserable, yet the presence of three highest-ranking ponies was sufficient motivation for eating without complaint. ‘OK!’ called Luna eventually. ‘Everypony happy?’ ‘Mm,’ almost all of them grunted (Upper Crust’s smile wobbled). Celestia clapped her sister on the back. ‘Well done, Luna,’ she said. ‘At least no pony shall go hungry, and in such circumstances – more than one hopes for. Well done.’ ‘Doing my bit,’ said Luna as she bit into her bread. ‘Mm. Yeah, it’s not bad, right? The Larder, Sister! Good stuff!’ ‘Yes, yes. Now. Cadence. I see you have your T-Kam.’ ‘And you have yours?’ ‘We’ve already visited Tirek,’ Celestia told her. ‘And as irksome as it is to admit, he might not be responsible. I haven’t ruled him out, of course – but there it is. Actually,’ she added, ‘it will be worth checking in on him. His opinion could be useful; he knows an awful lot about dark magic. You’ll join us?’ Cadence nodded and asked, ‘How did you end up here?’ ‘We woke up here,’ Luna said. ‘Woke up floating! You?’ ‘Exactly the same,’ said Cadence with worried eyes. ‘All of us! Redheart and Doc Top say they fell asleep on a couch. Jet Set and Upper Crust were relaxing at home. We all woke up here, in the air. What a mercy it is to find you two! I was afraid we’d starve.’ ‘Urh, Princess Luna?’ It was Jet Set, in the other balloon. ‘My wife and I would love some more, please. If it isn’t too much troub—’ ‘Catch!’ Luna tossed across a loaf with her magic; it landed in Doc Top’s hair. ‘Oops! Head’s up, Doc! And here’s a jar of marmalade. Oh, and some butter for you too.’ These items followed more successfully. The medical contingent thanked Luna; the socialites positively gushed. ‘Ever so grateful –’ ‘And if you should ever be in our –’ ‘– shall give you the most excellent –’ ‘– eternally thankful!’ Luna waved them down. Rapidfire coughed but could not hide his snort. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘They’re unbelievable. Spent the entire day sucking up to Princess Cadence, and now that you’re here, it’s round two. Sorry. Shouldn’t say that.’ Luna was delighted. ‘Nonsense, Raps, that’s the way! It’s all informal here, up in the air! No stations or graces. You get to the point, and you do it without pretension! Hear that, Doc?’ she crowed at Doc Top, who blinked. ‘Princess?’ ‘Don’t “Princess” me! It’s “Luna”! And “Celestia”!’ Celestia coughed. ‘Well, if it’s all the same –’ She stopped herself, remembering Luna’s earlier outburst. ‘Yes, well. If we are to get to know each other, I suppose we can be more relaxed.’ ‘That’s the spirit, Sister!’ Luna grinned. ‘Oi, you lot! You think you get to eat for free? No, no! It’s game time! Two facts and a lie, and Cadence will start us off!’ Cadence looked at Luna; then she looked at Celestia. Tired and not eager to deny Luna her fun after a hitherto invaluable contribution, Celestia nodded. Cadence shrugged. ‘OK, I’ll play. Um – OK. Two facts. And a lie. Um –’ She paused. ‘I’m an expert in post-tonal theory. My favourite book is The Cow of Monte Crest-o. I – I cheated on Shining Armor.’ Luna groaned. ‘You’re awful at this, Cadence! You’re supposedto make the lie believable. And you’re meant to think of it before you say the truths! And you’re supposed to embed it, not make it obvious by hesitating and leaving it for last!’ ‘Wait – which was the lie?’ muttered Jet Set. Cadence looked very sad. ‘Do you think I’d ever cheat on my husband?’ ‘Oh! Oh, n-no, of course not, Princess! I – I meant no offence! I am so very sorry to have –’ ‘Drop the “Princess”, Jetso! This princess commands it!’ ‘“Jetso”?’ repeated Celestia, grimacing. Luna grinned. ‘Acceptance, Sister. Gratitude! Inspiration! Let’s have some fun! OK, my turn, then, as you’re all so bloody shy. OK. I’ve broken my leg seven times. Once I stole seven bits from my sister’s bedside table. I’m a massive black-magic fan.’ Celestia shook her head, amused. ‘Oh, Luna. You criticise Cadence, and you’re just as bad? You don’t even know the rules!’ ‘Sure I do!’ ‘I think,’ chipped in Rapidfire, ‘that you’re lying when you say you’re a black-magic fan, but then I don’t think you stole from your sister’s table either, so –’ He frowned. Celestia rolled her eyes. ‘She’s messing with you. They’re all lies. Broken your leg seven times? And I can tell you for a fact that you’ve never pinched so much as a comb tooth from my bedside table!’ ‘Wrong!’ Luna said, grinning. ‘Any other takers?’ ‘The black-magic thing,’ said Cadence. Doc Top and Nurse Redheart looked at each other. ‘The bits from the table?’ suggested the latter weakly. ‘Hah!’ cried Luna triumphantly. ‘That’s how you play, see? You make the truths seem ridiculous and then slip in a mundane lie! I’ve broken my leg once. Tripped on a moon rock. And the bits I stole were in your bedside table, Sister, because I stole them from Father, who’d hidden them there. And I am a fan of Black Magic, the album – not “black magic”, see? Hah! See how it’s done?’ ‘Wait a moment,’ said Celestia, frowning. ‘Cadence, did you say you’re an expert in post-tonal theory?’ Cadence blinked and nodded. ‘Yes.’ ‘But – but since when?’ Cadence shrugged. ‘I studied it.’ ‘Sister!’ exclaimed Luna. ‘You can’t interrupt another pony’s go! I won my round! OK, now it’s your turn!’ ‘Luna, I’m not –’ ‘Your turn, Sister!’ ‘Fine, fine! I need time to think. Let somepony else try.’ ‘I’ve saved a foal’s life. I’ve never tasted celery. I’ve lost money playing the lottery.’ Doc Top’s face was impassive. ‘The first one’s true,’ said Nurse Redheart. ‘So, it’s between celery and lottery.’ ‘Well, that’s easy,’ Rapidfire called to her. ‘Everypony loses playing the lottery. So it’s celery that’s the lie.’ Luna nudged Celestia. ‘See?’ she whispered. ‘The ice is breaking!’ ‘Luna…’ ‘Unless he doesn’t play the lottery!’ Upper Crust piped up. Doc Top grinned. ‘Well done,’ he said. ‘Never played, never will – but celery I have tasted, and I don’t like it.’ ‘Keep going, you lot!’ said Luna, standing abruptly. Celestia watched her. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked. ‘For a walk! Well, a fly. Oh, more rope, that’s right. Give’s a sec.’ She closed her eyes, furrowed her brow and – pop! A coil materialised and fell over her mane. ‘Oof! Ah, there.’ Bemused, Celestia asked, ‘Would you like me to come with you?’ ‘No, no. Just keep everypony happy for a while. I want some time alone. Don’t look so shocked! I’ll be back in a jiffy.’ To Celestia’s surprise, Rapidfire and Cadence did not seem perturbed by Luna’s sudden change of heart. In fact, they laughed as Nurse Redheart claimed to have peed on her neighbour’s flower bed. Once Luna had reattached herself and flown below, Celestia caught an inkling of how lonely she felt without her. Day VIt was not dark. Celestia could not lower the sun, whose presence she did not feel; Luna could not raise the moon, whose absence she did not feel. Nevertheless, it was dimmer – as though the sky corresponded to the passengers’ collective state of mind. Cadence snored against a hay sack; Rapidfire kipped under a blanket that Luna had conjured. The other balloon was silent, its occupants fast asleep. Luna yawned. ‘Getting colder,’ she said, adjusting her blanket. Celestia stretched her neck. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘And clearer. See there? The clouds are starting to thin.’ ‘Oh – yeah.’ ‘Good news, let’s hope.’ Celestia yawned too and reached for her flask. She sipped her tisane, still warm. ‘Tirek in the morning?’ ‘Good idea. I checked the skirt, and there’s no sign of magic. Can’t wrap my head around it. No response from Twilight?’ Celestia shook her head sadly. ‘Nothing.’ Luna grinned. Celestia sighed. ‘Luna.’ ‘What?’ ‘Stop smiling.’ ‘Stop smiling? Why would I do that?’ ‘Because it isn’t funny.’ ‘Who said it was funny?’ ‘You didn’t say, but you certainly implied!’ ‘Come off it, Sister. You should smile more. It’s good for you. It’s good for everypony. It’s harder to feel sad when you smile.’ ‘Is it? Weren’t you telling me just the other day about forced smiles?’ ‘Touché. OK, you have me there – though in my case it isn’t forced.’ ‘Yes, I know! And that’s precisely why I told you to stop! Because it isn’t funny.’ Luna grinned more widely. ‘And that’s what makes me want to smile even more! We’ve done OK here, really. It’s been good so far. Come on, Sister; it’s been fun. Food, drink, rest, relaxation. No responsibilities. A real lark, as Tirek put it.’ Sometimes Celestia did not understand her sister. To her the idea of laughing in the face of danger was inane, a comic-book fantasy. Luna appeared to find it not only appropriate but obligatory. In the previous days Celestia had observed that the more serious their situation became the more Luna revelled in its desperation. This forced her to take it even more seriously. ‘If you can materialise objects, can you materialise ponies?’ she asked. ‘What?’ ‘Well, Luna? Can you?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Ponies are more complex. Too complex for me.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘I can’t perform the spell.’ Celestia sighed and sipped her tisane again. ‘Of course. And why would you?’ For the first time Luna frowned slightly. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You’re clearly having a good time. Why go back? That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Why return to day-to-day life when you can be stuck here instead? But for how long, Luna? Hmm? How long until you realise you have to go back, until you realise the gimmick is over?’ Luna digested this quietly. Celestia shook her head. ‘I think we could solve this, you and I. And Cadence. There are other ponies besides us, to whom we have a responsibility. And though we wouldn’t have made it this far without you, we’re playing games now? Making jokes? Counting cards? What is this, Luna?’ ‘I don’t know. But neither do you.’ Luna fixed her sister squarely. ‘And don’t talk to me about responsibility. What have you done that I haven’t? Come to think of it, have you done anything at all? Other than point hooves and whine about nothing.’ ‘About nothing? Nothing, Luna?’ ‘Sorry.’ Luna turned away – and turned back, her eyes strained. ‘Can’t you ever just enjoy something, Sister? For what it is?’ To this query Celestia did not respond. In it she sensed a depth of emotion that she had not heard before. For a moment she held her breath. Luna had moved on: she closed her eyes. Pop! Two cigars plopped into the basket – thick and fragrant, with branded bands. Celestia raised her brow. ‘Imperials?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Luna, we can’t –’ ‘There it is again, Sister! “Can’t”! Well, why not?’ ‘When have you ever smoked?’ ‘I haven’t – but how about we have this one together? Just this one, Sister. Just this once.’ Celestia picked up the nearest Imperial and sniffed. ‘Motherwort?’ Luna grinned. ‘From the grape roads. So, what do you say?’ Celestia sighed. She nodded. ‘OK, Luna. OK. You win – just this once. And you had better summon up some matches. If my fire spell is imprecise, then yours is –’ ‘Faultless,’ said Luna, igniting both with her horn. Celestia snorted. ‘Since when are you so polished? Luna! I’ll have to practise!’ Grinning, Celestia puffed on her Imperial. ‘Huh.’ She blew out and frowned. ‘It’s like – chewing on a strange tisane. Does that make sense?’ ‘Guess I’ll find out.’ Luna drew on hers and choked, spluttering. Celestia laughed. ‘Now who’s not enjoying it!’ ‘Heck, it’s like molten metal!’ ‘You’re supposed to let it touch the back of your mouth. Then you exhale. Luna, really. What a fool you make of yourself sometimes.’ She smiled. ‘You make me laugh.’ Luna grinned, her face a portrait of triumph and affection. ‘Well, that’s good, Sister. That’s great. I did say to smile was to find sadness difficult. So, what’s the plan?’ ‘The plan, Luna?’ ‘Yeah, the plan! For getting out of here.’ ‘Oh, so you’re interested now?’ ‘I always was. I just wanted everypony to calm down a little. That’s the power of a good game or a funny joke, Sister. Ponies relax. You could use a little distraction more than most! Ugh!’ She choked again and gave a hacking cough. ‘Ooh, it’s horrible!’ Celestia choked on her own Imperial, she was laughing so hard. ‘Come on,’ she wheezed upon recovery. ‘My plan is that we get some sleep.’ They tossed their half-finished cigars over the edge of the basket and beamed at each other. Day VI‘Man, that’s a good OJ!’ Rapidfire drained his cup and held out his hoof for more. Luna poured with her magic. ‘Canterlot Larder, Raps,’ she said. ‘Only the best. You eat at the Larder?’ ‘Ah, so that explains it – and yeah, all the time! Great place. Spitfire and me used to go after training.’ ‘Used to?’ ‘Team’s not what it once was. There’s a new generation of Wonderbolts to look to, and most of us have slipped into coaching. I used to be quicker off the mark than a startled rabbit. And some speed’s still there, more or less, but the acceleration – that’s declining.’ ‘So that’s why you stopped flying in the derby!’ Celestia brandished her toast at him. ‘I knew I hadn’t seen you in a while!’ Rapidfire grinned. ‘That’s right. Game’s the game. Older you are the harder it gets. I’ve made peace with myself, though. The skill’s still in here.’ He tapped his head. ‘Now my job is passing it along.’ ‘We won a lot of money betting on you,’ Jet Set called from the other balloon. Upper Crust nodded. ‘We used to watch the races with Fancy Pants. You won almost every time!’ ‘Yeah, the good times,’ said Rapidfire. ‘I won’t forget that feeling – eyes in the goggles, air whipping my muzzle. The force as you turn. Flying. Nothing like it.’ ‘I’ll bet,’ said Doc Top. ‘As a colt, I hated being an Earth Pony. My friends were casting spells and kicking clouds, and I dug the garden.’ ‘Now?’ asked Rapidfire. ‘As you said – I made peace with myself.’ Doc Top chuckled. ‘Must be a good rep, though, being a doctor. Or a nurse. Helping ponies.’ Nurse Redheart smiled. ‘Not quite as awed as being a Wonderbolt, but I didn’t join the hospital for money or glory.’ ‘Nor did I join the team for either,’ said Rapidfire. He paused, then added, ‘Well, for glory – OK, I admit.’ Everypony laughed. ‘I wanted to get into cooking,’ said Luna, inspecting her bread. ‘Baking in particular. You remember, Sister? My rock buns were nice!’ Celestia pulled a face. ‘They were, but your muffins – they ate like tar. And those were your words, Luna, not mine!’ ‘Heh, true, true. I could whip together a batch here, couldn’t I? Could dangle the oven off the basket if I got some more rope – joking, Sister! Just joking!’ ‘I composed a lot before becoming a princess,’ said Cadence, her eyes distant. ‘Wrote it all out. It’s still sitting in the castle, in a folder somewhere.’ ‘How come we never heard any?’ Luna asked her. Cadence shrugged. ‘It wasn’t very good.’ ‘Yeah? Isn’t that for others to judge?’ ‘I – I suppose.’ ‘So, can we hear it?’ ‘Luna,’ said Celestia. ‘If Cadence is uncomfortable with –’ ‘Nonsense, Sister! Cadence, you can show us when we get back, right?’ ‘Speaking of which,’ interrupted Jet Set. He lost his nerve as all eyes flicked to him. ‘Erm – well, I mean to say – how are we? Returning to Canterlot, that is?’ Upper Crust stared at Celestia, who eyed Luna, who grinned. ‘Not to worry, Jetso, old boy. Not to worry. My sister and I have a plan. We’re going to petition Tirek to get to the bottom of it all. Petition? Commission? Is that the word?’ Celestia frowned. ‘Luna, I don’t think that’s quite what we had in mind.’ ‘Nonsense, it’s exactly what’s needed! Tirek’ll help us out, don’t you worry! And Cadence, she’ll come along too. Help us get him in the right mood.’ ‘Tirek?’ Rapidfire repeated, confused. ‘An old friend,’ said Luna before Celestia could reply. ‘Good pal of ours who we can visit thanks to these!’ She picked up her T-Kam and wiggled it. ‘And he knows all sorts about magic, doesn’t he, Sister? He’ll get to the bottom of it for us.’ ‘About magic?’ Doc Top sounded puzzled. ‘What do you mean? Whatever for?’ ‘Nothing to worry about,’ said Celestia quickly. ‘Just a theory. Luna and I think that this situation might be the product of some awry magic. It wouldn’t be the first time.’ If Celestia suspected her counterparts’ adoption of the bizarre circumstances, she decided not to show it. At any rate, to her something was amiss. Though the others, it was true, she did not know well, certainly she thought Cadence wasn’t herself. Only Luna displayed her typical crisis-time behaviour. Something was going on – more than merely a strange situation. It made her pensive and quiet. ‘Luna,’ she whispered as Cadence and Doc Top launched into a debate about set theory. ‘Can I – speak with you? Later?’ Luna shrugged. ‘Uh, yeah. Of course? What’s up?’ Celestia nodded. ‘Good. And nothing! Nothing. Just – good.’ ‘– and maximally invariant transposition accounts for close-key relationships in a tonal system. You’re basically evolving a set incrementally. That’s what maintains a high degree of common members. A close key contains only one pitch class not among those of its relatives.’ ‘But Cadence, that isn’t a suitable explanation at all! It hasn’t any ethics yet. It’s a pseudoscientific justification for standardised manipulations! Why subvert a system if the operations of your unfamiliar alternative lead to the same destination?’ Yes, thought Celestia, something was wrong, when Cadence and Doc Top, who had never met before, discussed a thesis in music theory. Something was out of place. Something. But what? She watched them, whose faces were a little too relaxed. A little too pleased. They knew something. Somepony knew something. Something. Day VIICelestia had thought that Tirek’s smirk would never be pleasant. As she plunged into T-Kam, she realised in spite of herself that she found it almost welcome. ‘Oho!’ he said, snapping shut his book and draining his glass. ‘What took so long, I wonder? High jinks in the skies? Technical difficulties? Come, tell! I’m so eager to hear!’ Luna saluted. ‘Tirek! Long time no see!’ ‘Yes,’ he grunted. ‘Might as well be a very long time! Do you know how bored I’ve been – after that first taste of fun? Luna shrugged. ‘Well, you know I know.’ ‘Yes. The question was more for your sister.’ ‘I don’t care,’ said Celestia. ‘And I hoped never to have to return. The fact is, Tirek, we might need your help.’ ‘Is that a fact?’ Tirek laughed and got to his hooves. ‘Well, well, well! Now it’s yours truly who holds all the power! Never tell the prisoner you want his help, Highness; it’s the first law!’ ‘I thought the first was “acceptance”,’ said Celestia icily. ‘Oh, yes, yes, but the laws are different for imprisoners. You can’t expect anything from those you lock away! If you do, and you let them know, it’s game over! You know what I’m going to do now, I suppose?’ Celestia sighed. ‘Demand your freedom or something ludicrous. And don’t think we need your help quite so badly, Tirek. It was Luna’s idea to come here, not mine. Remember that!’ Tirek looked confused. He turned to Luna. ‘It – it was?’ And to Celestia’s surprise Luna scowled. ‘Why is that strange? Can’t I have even one thought of my own?’ Tirek backed away. He raised his hooves. ‘OK, OK. This I didn’t expect. Usually it’s – you know. You just seem so chill all the time. But OK. OK, I’ll help.’ ‘Oh, so when it’s me, then you refuse?’ said Celestia. ‘Refuse? Who said refuse? I said it would cost you!’ ‘But not Luna.’ ‘No, no. Luna knows the rules inside out. And she isn’t fun to mess with – because only you get worked up over nothing. Or everything, that is.’ Luna grinned again. ‘You’re right there, aren’t you just. Well, Tirek, it’s like this: we’re stuck and we don’t know how to get unstuck.’ ‘I knew that much,’ said Tirek. ‘And we’ve done the checks. For magic, for mischief, for blah blah blah. No cigar. Well, there was a cigar, actually – two cigars. But you get it. I’m stumped.’ ‘So you want my opinion, do you?’ Tirek chuckled. ‘I’m game, as they say. Right, let me do some thinking. You’ll need to give me more to go on, though.’ ‘Well, what more can we say?’ Luna said. She turned to Celestia. ‘Anything?’ ‘Why can’t I lower the sun?’ said Celestia. ‘Why can’t Luna raise the moon? Why can’t she enter anypony’s dreams when we sleep?’ Tirek’s eyes widened. ‘You kept all that quiet, didn’t you?’ ‘You didn’t know?’ ‘Of course I didn’t know! It doesn’t exactly come with a view, this place, does it?’ ‘Oh – yes, of course.’ ‘So, let me get this straight –’ Tirek’s grin grew and grew. ‘Not only are you lost but you’re locked out of your magic? Oh, it’s genius! Hah! Aha, ha! Oh, I’d like to shake the hoof of this one! Aha, ha, ha!’ ‘Your opinion,’ hissed Celestia. ‘Oh, I’ll give you an opinion all right! This is brilliant!’ ‘But we aren’t locked out completely,’ said Luna, ‘because I can summon up food and drink. Oh, and we managed to send a message to Twilight.’ ‘And how did that go?’ Luna shrugged again. ‘No response.’ ‘Hmm. Hmm. Yes, I see. No magic at all? No sign? No trace? Anywhere?’ ‘No.’ ‘You’re absolutely certain.’ ‘Yes,’ said Celestia and Luna together. ‘Hmm. Illusion. Got to be.’ He snapped his hooves and returned to his chair. Celestia frowned. ‘What do you mean?’ she asked. ‘You’re trapped in an illusion is my guess. You aren’t reallyfloating in a hot-air balloon.’ ‘So what about Cadence and Rapidfire? And the others?’ asked Luna. ‘Are they not here either?’ Tirek spluttered with laughter. ‘You two are awful! Can’t explain a thing! What’s this now? More of you?’ ‘Oh – yeah, sorry about that.’ Luna grinned. ‘My bad. Should have said. We bumped into another hot-air balloon, and this one had Cadence and a bunch of other ponies in it.’ ‘Cadence is there with you?’ ‘She is,’ said Celestia. ‘And she has her T-Kam.’ ‘She does? Then why isn’t she –?’ ‘Because something is off, Tirek,’ said Celestia. ‘Something is off! And Luna can smile all she wants! Something is off!’ Tirek turned to Luna, who snorted. ‘She’s getting paranoid. Always happens. Classic.’ ‘Luna! I’m serious! When have you ever heard Cadence so much as mention “maximally invariant transposition”? What is this nonsense? And am I – for whatever reason – the only sane pony on those blasted balloons? No one cares that they’re lost and floating amid endless cloud? Everypony’s laughing and joking? Someone’s playing with our heads!’ ‘Perhaps you’re the only insane one,’ said Luna, and she giggled as Tirek laughed. ‘Ponies laugh and joke because it’s fun, Sister! It keeps them happy.’ Celestia rolled her eyes. ‘No, Luna, no. You aren’t talking me out of this one. This is serious. And I tell you now, Tirek – I tell you now that something is up.’ ‘Well, illusion still works, more of you or not,’ he said, stretching on his chair. ‘Some sort of multi-party illusion.’ ‘If it’s illusion, how come we can speak to you?’ ‘Well, maybe you aren’t!’ Celestia scowled. ‘Don’t play games with me, Tirek. Not now.’ He laughed. ‘OK, I’m joking. Who says you can’t be in an illusion and speak to me at the same time? You think you’re in a balloon, but you’re elsewhere. Your consciousness is here, but your body isn’t. Presto. An illusion.’ ‘And how do I know you aren’t behind it?’ Celestia growled, glaring at the centaur. He waved a hoof through the air. ‘Nothing I say would convince you. And that goes for guilt as well! If I admitted it was me, you’d second-guess that too!’ ‘Luna! What do you think?’ Celestia waited, but Luna seemed uninterested in her fast-emerging theory. For the first time Celestia doubted her. Perhaps ‘Luna’ was a pony whose essence was false. Perhaps all the others were too. Did that mean, she thought, that she was the only pony in this illusion? And how could she escape? Then the circle completed itself: What if it wasn’t an illusion at all? What if it was real? ‘What do you think?’ Luna’s expression, though unreadable, made Celestia feel strange. She did not like this. She wanted out. ‘Luna,’ she breathed. ‘Is it you?’ Luna laughed and Celestia’s spine shivered. ‘Of course it’s me! Not like this, Sister, come on. You’re losing it now. Get back on track.’ ‘Yes – yes, you would say that, wouldn’t you?’ Celestia pulled out of T-Kam, shuddering. Day VIII‘What’s the matter?’ asked Doc Top, frowning as Celestia and Luna emerged. ‘What do you mean?’ asked Celestia. ‘You just seem – on edge, you know?’ ‘Oh? And how would you know that?’ Doc Top shrugged. ‘You just gave me the impression.’ ‘Did I indeed? Well, there’s nothing to worry about. I’m just fine!’ Luna rolled her eyes. ‘It’s paranoia time, people; watch it.’ ‘Luna!’ Celestia couldn’t believe that Luna would expose her in front of perfect strangers. ‘What? Pays to be honest, doesn’t it? Get all the poison out on the table, I say, Sister. Get all the emotions out for all to see. Only way that works in the long term.’ ‘What do you mean?’ Cadence asked Luna, her brow raised. ‘What happened? What did Tirek say?’ ‘Nothing!’ snapped Celestia. ‘Luna’s talking about something else.’ ‘See, Sister, this is your problem.’ Luna sighed. ‘You don’t trust anypony! Not even your closest friends! It’s Cadence! It’s me!’ Celestia went red as the others watched her. ‘It – it’s not like that!’ she stammered. ‘Luna, there are – what about, you know? The others,’ she hissed so that only Luna could hear. Luna’s eyes twinkled. ‘OK, people, we’re going to have it straight because that’s the way we roll here.’ Luna stood and cleared her throat. ‘I want everypony to put on the table their misgivings. All of them. Any bad emotion I want out. Oi, Raps. Kick us off, yeah?’ Rapidfire obeyed without hesitation. ‘It’s simple enough for me. I think this is some rotten luck, and I don’t like the posh ponies very much. There it is.’ ‘That’s a relief!’ scoffed Upper Crust. ‘I don’t like you either! “The glory days” and how you’re oh-so chummy with the princesses! It should be me in that balloon!’ ‘Yes, quite right!’ added Jet Set, scowling at Rapidfire. ‘And though we made money on you, I didn’t say how much we lost! Overconfident poser. Can’t even fly properly! Do you know how much I paid after your last crash?’ Rapidfire shrugged. ‘No, and I don’t care. Look at you, sucking up to anyone you can suck dry! You’re exactly the ponies who exist on the work of others and contribute nothing themselves!’ ‘Well, I don’t like either of you,’ said Nurse Redheart. ‘And Luna’s the only pony here who’s done anything to help us. And I thought you were supposed to be a leader,’ she aimed at Celestia, who blushed. ‘I haven’t much to say at all,’ said Doc Top, sighing. ‘I just want to go home. That’s me. Fed up.’ ‘My turn? I’m having a hoot myself!’ said Luna, chuckling. ‘This is the most fun I’ve had since – well, since we forced Tirek to drink tonic!’ ‘No fun for me,’ said Cadence. ‘I’ve had enough of you two. Arguments and chaos every time. Luna and Celestia, the funny sisters! Ha, ha! But I’m the one who picks up the pieces. Well, I’m off.’ She flew to the other balloon. Celestia snorted. ‘Aha! I have it now! Oh, Luna. Luna, I can see it’s you. You’re far too ridiculous to be false – but the others? How it hits me now! Chrysalis!’ she said, smirking at Cadence. ‘You and your changelings can change back now.’ Instead of changing the ponies froze. Almost all the ponies froze. Celestia and Luna inspected Rapidfire, who’d gone stiffer than a statue. Cadence leered from her balloon. ‘So,’ she called. ‘You think you’ve figured it out?’ ‘Haven’t I?’ crowed Celestia, delighted that Luna appeared ordinary. ‘Let’s see you, then! What is this? Explain!’ ‘Cadence’ laughed. And turned into Tirek. ‘Surprise!’ he said, grinning. Celestia was not fooled. ‘No. He’s safely contained. Show yourself, Chrysalis. I won’t have any more games.’ She charged her horn. ‘But there’s one more left to play!’ The sky started to spin. First turned the clouds, a tiny twister of vapour high above them. It grew. The hot-air balloons rose. The envelopes deflated with a sigh and the baskets dropped – but did not fall. The vortex sucked them in. Blue, black, white, red – colours swam in Celestia’s eyes. She moved but could not see where. She called for Luna but could not hear her voice. And she awoke. A cold, metal restraint held her in place. She struggled, gasping. The room was dark; she shivered. ‘Luna! Luna, are you there?’ ‘Sister?’
Day Nil‘So, you think this is funny, Luna?’ ‘Very.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘You don’t see this as a problem, hmm? Not an issue whatsoever?’ ‘Not whatsoever.’ ‘Hmph.’ That they were as high as they were and able to converse so casually was, surely, impressive; take the previous literally. An oddly durable hot-air balloon and a non-existent missing-princesses report marked the start of another peculiar misadventure, one in which the sisters’ powers of deduction would be tested. Celestia, ever sceptical, ever certain, had quickly concluded the business was the doing of – who else? – Tirek. Luna, ever ready to enjoy the buffets of life, was making the most of things. ‘I can’t see so much as a bird through these blasted clouds!’ ‘Use your horn! Clear the sky a bit.’ ‘And are you going to chip in?’ ‘No.’ ‘And why is that?’ ‘Clouds are nice.’ ‘Are they.’ ‘They are, Sister, yes.’ ‘Luna…’ Celestia did not want to do it. She really did not want to do it. She couldn’t stand the dawning realisation that she had to do it, but – as one would deem common in the case of a dawning realisation – she knew she had to do it. They had, for better or worse, brought their T-Kams, and that meant Tirek was but a plunge away. She hadn’t so much as mentioned him in conversation since the tonic experiment, but Luna wasn’t going to help – not yet, anyway. She sighed. ‘I say it’s Tirek, and I can’t believe I’m suggesting this, but we –’ Celestia closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘We should speak to him – and I’m not happy about it, believe me.’ Luna looked astonished. ‘Sister,’ she began, a smile forming, ‘you actually want to speak to Tirek? After the tonic fiasco? After the revolution? After –?’ ‘Yes, I know, I know!’ snapped Celestia. ‘But I say this stupidity is his doing, and it’s high time we found out! I can’t spend another second in this basket! Luna, I am not –’ she said firmly. ‘I am not going to miss the incineration of warehouse fifteen!’ ‘What’s the plan?’ asked Luna. ‘Get a DAG to knock it out of him?’ ‘If I didn’t know you were joking, I’d agree entirely. In fact, I think it’s a good idea either way.’ ‘I was joking! Tirek’s practically our friend now, sister; you can’t treat him like a lab rat anymore!’ ‘I am perfectly within my rights as a princess to see administered whatever treatment I deem necessary!’ said Celestia. ‘Now enough! We’re going to speak to Tirek, and if I sense that he is even remotely involved, he’s going to pay! And this time it won’t be pretty! “Tankies” and blackjack… That little insect has enjoyed my indulgence for far too long!’ Regarding the hot-air-balloon situation, the first fact of which one must become aware is that Celestia and Luna were perfectly capable of flying out of the basket and into freedom. The second such fact is that this would benefit them not whatsoever, for the inexplicable quantity of dense cloud rendered even a free, flying alicorn as helpless as a foal in a shopping mall. Though Celestia had not yet attempted to dispel so much as a single wisp, not even she was capable of tackling these numbers – even if she could bring herself to try. ‘Right,’ said Celestia, fumbling for her T-Kam. ‘It’s time. We’re going to nail the rotter; you mark my words, Luna. You mark my words!’ Luna rolled her eyes and plunged into T-Kam. Celestia followed suit. Tartarus had changed after the fire; rather, Tirek’s new cell was completely untraditional. Picture a retirement home; picture the room into which the staff stuff their charges to watch TV; then picture a bedsit, combine the two, shrink the proportions to meet the needs of but one occupant, and there you have it. The big bad had even managed to procure a dark wallpaper reminiscent of the stone that once constituted his FoodRock. Nostalgia, it seemed, was valued by imprisoned villains too. ‘No,’ he muttered, setting down his book on the stationary DAG’s head and squinting to get a better look at his captors. ‘It – it can’t be!’ He gave a great whoop, then promptly collapsed onto the floor in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. ‘Do you think he’s pleased to see us?’ asked Luna, grinning. Celestia wasn’t amused. ‘He'll sober up soon enough, I daresay!’ she said. ‘Do you think you’re tough?’ Luna called, laughing, and Tirek doubled up. ‘Oh, how I’ve missed this!’ he wheezed, gasping for air, tears of mirth streaming down his face. ‘Oh, happy, happy day!’ ‘Tirek,’ said Celestia, glowering at him. The horn he’d lost was still on her head, a fact she despised – first, she thought it made her look stupid and, second, it reminded her that she owed Tirek perhaps her life. ‘Aha! Aha, ha!’ Tirek danced. ‘Oh, it’s a lark, you know. It’s a real fun time down here. Well, it will be now! It will be, make no mistake! Now that you’re here! Aha! Aha, ha!’ ‘Shut up!’ Celestia hissed. Luna giggled and saluted Tirek, who bowed in return. Celestia signalled the DAG, and it clanked into life. Tirek’s book flew off its head and hit the floor with a rustle of pages. This put a swift stop to Tirek’s merriment. His face fell; he surveyed Celesia with hurt eyes. ‘Oh, come, now,’ he said. ‘Not again. Not another petty power struggle. Can’t we be chill with each other? Treat each other right? Didn’t you enjoy our last escapade? The camaraderie?’ ‘I can assure you that I did!’ said Luna. ‘Man! A journey for sure!’ ‘And do I sense –’ Tirek’s voice was quivering with anticipation. ‘Do I sense perhaps – the makings of another?’ ‘We shall see!’ snarled Celestia before Luna could answer. She marched over to him, remembered that she could not touch him and signalled the DAG, which obliged. Its powerful metal digits lifted Tirek into the air by the scruff of his neck. ‘I’ve had enough, do you hear me, Tirek? Enough! I’ve had it. I’m tired, and I’ve had it. You’ll stop this nonsense right now, or –’ ‘You’ll bring back my tonic?’ he suggested, and Luna snorted. ‘Nothing of the sort!’ Celestia grinned nastily. ‘I’m taking an interest in psychological warfare. They say that to repeat incessantly any piece of popular music is to drive insane those who are subjected to it.’ ‘So, you want to guinea-pig me again, is that it? Come on, I thought you’d learned!’ Tirek looked nonchalant in spite of his blatantly uncomfortable position. ‘I don’t care anymore!’ Celestia threw at him. ‘I’m sick and tired! Get us out of the sky now, or –’ ‘The what? The sky? What’s she on about?’ he asked Luna, who grinned back and signalled the DAG to drop its quarry. ‘Oof! Ah, thanks.’ ‘Well, to give you the short version – and I think there is only a short version – we woke up in a hot-air balloon, and we can’t see a thing because of the clouds. And we’re just – floating.’ Luna shrugged. ‘A weird one, eh?’ ‘I’ll say!’ Tirek slapped his thigh. ‘Well, that sounds a hoot! How I’d love to be there with you. Ah, the games we’d play – blackjack, remember?’ ‘All too well!’ snarled Celestia. ‘And you can shred the paper-thin merry-perry act, Tirek! You don’t fool me! What have you done? Your magic isn’t nearly powerful enough to –’ ‘It’s not me,’ he said, shrugging, ‘though I hope you know that I so wish it was.’ ‘That I so wish it were, you ignoramus!’ Luna said in Celestia’s voice, and Tirek spluttered with laughter. Celestia ground her teeth. ‘Right,’ she said. ‘Right! We’ll get to the bottom of this, Tirek. I’ll get to the bottom of it, don’t think I won’t! And when I do, and when I get back here – curtains!’ Tirek yawned. ‘Yes, yes. Knives and music and elastic bands. Heard it all before.’ ‘Right. Well. Good! Luna? We’re done here!’ As Celestia pulled out of T-Kam, she resigned herself to the disappointing possibility that she would see a lot more of Tirek’s new cell – and that she would likely experience a host of bizarre, even inexplicable instances before unearthing the source of their predicament. How very right she was.
Day IWatching the endless, shapeless clouds bent Celestia’s brain. She felt as though her eyes were swimming in cotton wool. The air was completely agreeable, by which she was pleased – but if one were to press her to submit further positives, she would struggle to oblige. ‘Luna, you didn’t happen to bring anything useful, did you?’ ‘Bring anything? Sister, we didn’t come here in the first place!’ ‘Well, quite. Hmph. I hoped – well, there it is.’ ‘Ah, but look! The free sky! The fresh air! Oh, give a smile, Sister; we’re in a good spot!’ ‘Until we starve,’ Celestia reminded her. Luna waved the thought away. ‘Nonsense! A simple dema-rema summoning spell! The food dematerialises in –’ Luna closed her eyes. ‘The Canterlot Larder! I love that place! So, we visualise. And then we rematerialise it – aha!’ Two loaves of egg-spread-topped bread popped into the air and fell into the basket with a merry thud. Celestia beamed at Luna. ‘I can’t even work that spell! Luna, you’re a genius!’ ‘How do you think I ate for a thousand years?’ said Luna, laughing. She bit into her bread. ‘Ah, there’s the flavour! Oh, man! The Canterlot Larder, I tell you! You ever eat at the Larder, Sister?’ ‘Catch me in there?’ said Celestia scathingly. ‘What do you think? Although – well, it isn’t exactly difficult to make bread. Yes, I’ll admit this is nice. The bread, that is. Not this – this nonsense. Tirek. How has he done it?’ ‘You really get dead sure about a lot of things very quickly, Sister. Not the happiest habit in the world, you know. Some would call it narrow-minded.’ ‘Huh. Luna, somepony has to get us out of this mess. I start with Tirek. A safe bet.’ ‘Wouldn’t Discord be more likely?’ Luna suggested. ‘I mean, the style just screams –’ ‘No, no,’ said Celestia irritably. ‘Not a chance. He would be here right now, gloating. No, this is a subtler mind. As much as I hate to credit him, Tirek has –’ She snapped her hooves, searching for the word. ‘Game?’ ‘Yes, exactly. He has game. “Remember the blackjack,” he says. All too well, I say again! He wants to make me squirm! And he benefits, of course. Solitary confinement indeed! He must have been dying to see my face again! To play another “game”. Just wait, Luna! I’ll have him! I’ll have him under my hoof!’ ‘Oh, Sister, look!’ Luna pointed excitedly. Celestia turned, frowning. ‘What?’ she said. ‘There!’ Below a body of water was visible – enormous, endless like the clouds. As a welcome sight it could not be exactly described, for their location remained as much a mystery as ever. Nevertheless, to have confirmed one’s assumption that the world consisted of more than white cloud was ever-so-slightly reassuring. Celestia certainly felt that way. Then she frowned. ‘It is Tirek!’ she said. ‘It must be! A vast ocean? How else could our T-Kams have signal? Impossible! And why else would they but to visit him? And why do we even have them with us? He must have rigged this. He must have! Well, if he thinks I’m going to play along –’ ‘What would you even do about it?’ Luna asked. ‘I mean, if he’s got us here, what can we do?’ ‘Well,’ Celestia began, bemused. ‘We could – well, I’ll just have the DAGs force him to cooperate!’ ‘And if he’s innocent?’ ‘Oh, please! Luna, you don’t like that old fogey, do you?’ Luna raised her hooves defensively. ‘I’m just saying! Seems an awful shame to torment an innocent. And we did have fun testing the tonic. Come on, Sister! You know it’s true!’ ‘Hmph. Yes, well, I’ll admit we had our moments. But don’t think I forgot the sickness! Or the revolution!’ ‘Well, Cadence has handled it all nice and good. And I know because I can see what ponies think at night! Hey, hold up!’ ‘Hm?’ ‘How am I going to raise the moon? Can I even enter a dream?’ ‘Well, when we go to sleep, you can just try to – well, what is it you even do?’ ‘I just –’ Luna shrugged. ‘Just do. Yeah, I guess I’ll find out the hard way. Although –’ She grinned. ‘If I can’t, I won’t pretend I miss the workload. It’s horror week at the Regal. Curse late-night cinema!’ ‘But if I can’t lower the sun, you might not have to worry. Who’ll sleep in daylight?’ ‘Ponies who haven’t slept in days?’ ‘Yes, yes, you’re very funny. I was joking.’ ‘Hah. No, you weren’t!’ ‘Luna, you – you couldn’t conjure me up a nice tea, could you?’ Luna snorted. ‘A nice tea! A nice tisane, you mean! You wouldn’t know a cuppa if it fell over your mane!’ ‘Well, could you?’ ‘Sure, sure! Canterlot Larder, though! You’ll have to get used to the taste.’ Celestia sighed, but she was grateful. Soon both were sipping their preferred form of brewed leaves. A nasty thought entered Celestia’s head. ‘Luna,’ she said, ‘you don’t think we’ve snapped?’ ‘Snapped? No. And who?’ she added, shrugging. ‘You or me?’ ‘Huh. Both?’ ‘Who knows?’ Celestia sighed and gently let the steam from her tisane moisten her tired eyes. ‘We’ll try to push Tirek some more tomorrow, then. Try to see what he can tell us. Honestly? I’ve no leads. You’re right, Luna. I’m in the dark. Then again – it has to be him, yes? Who else?’ Luna downed her mug and chuckled. ‘Second-guessing doesn’t help. I like your first idea.’ She shrugged again. ‘And if he can’t help, then who knows? We could be stuck here awhile.’ ‘But – but it’s just so boring!’ Luna cackled. ‘And with that very sentence you’ve made it a lot more fun for me!’
Day IITirek was a happy centaur; of that fact Celestia was painfully aware. Smugness oozed from every pore of his crinkled face. He lounged in his armchair, book in hoof, mug on the table beside him. To wipe the smirk was her prerogative, though exactly how she would – tired and befuddled – she did not know. ‘Ah, Your Highness,’ he aimed at her, leering once she and Luna had plunged into T-Kam. ‘Again I am graced by your most desirable presence. How’s the weather up there?’ ‘Pretty decent, actually!’ Luna chipped in. ‘No rain. Cool air. It’s a holiday, really!’ Tirek chuckled. ‘How wonderful! And –’ He grinned again. ‘How are you finding it, Highness? Not too taxing, I hope?’ Celestia scowled. ‘I’m not here to be subjected to your so-called wit. That was the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in centuries!’ ‘Aha! So, you managed it, then?’ ‘Well,’ said Luna, yawning, ‘we tried. Strangest sleep I’ve had in centuries, no doubt. Dreamless. Dreamless sleep! And not just me – everypony! Not a dream to be had! I mean –’ She grinned. ‘As I told my sister – no complaints! Workload’s off, isn’t it? Hah!’ ‘How delightful!’ Tirek closed his eyes and bowed in his chair, his gums showing as he leered. ‘I am so pleased it was to your taste.’ ‘If you want to make it any more obvious,’ Celestia hissed, her head aching, ‘that you – you! – are responsible, I only dare you to continue, Tirek.’ ‘Oh, come, now! If I were involved in this charming situation, you wouldn’t ask, believe me! My hooves are clean in the matter, entirely clean! You think I like it down here? As sad as it is to say – and no one likes to hear it said less than I – your visits are a highlight!’ ‘And that’s my point entirely!’ exclaimed Celestia. ‘You can’t escape Tartarus, so you’ve settled for this!’ ‘Sister, I think it’s clear – stalemate. Impasse. How about we make the best of it?’ ‘The – what? Luna!’ she spluttered. ‘You – you passive little lounger! I can’t believe it! When are you finally going to take some responsibility?’ Luna appeared to care about Celestia’s frustrations as little as Tirek said he did. Boredom-induced lethargy, however, prevented Celestia from reaching her idea of appropriate anger. Instead she tossed her hooves and shook her head. ‘I’m glad you’re starting to hear sense,’ said Tirek. ‘Make the best of things! I’ve learned how to. Luna knows better than most! Now we teach you this vital skill.’ ‘Teach me,’ said Celestia through gritted teeth. Tirek grinned. ‘Well, the first step is simple enough – acceptance. Wouldn’t you agree, Luna?’ ‘Nail on the head, old boy! Lighten up, Sister; he’s right! Acceptance – always first. It’s you; you’re here; deal with it.’ Luna raised her brow. ‘Out of interest, Tirek, how long did step one take you?’ Tirek smiled slyly. ‘Many years. Only after Twilight thwarted my breakout did I truly manage it.’ ‘Many years?’ Celestia moaned. ‘Many years! Luna, I don’t have many years!’ ‘Of course you do! Took me – eighty-seven years? Yep, eighty-seven years. Ah, OK. Yeah, I’m starting to see your point. Eighty-seven years in a hot-air balloon sounds like a long time. It won’t come to that, though.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘Master-plan rule.’ ‘What?’ ‘Master-plan rule, right, Tirek? Villains don’t wait eighty-seven years. They want to brag about how clever they are.’ Tirek took a gulp from his mug and nodded. ‘Quite right!’ He deliberated. ‘Unless time is relatively short for him and relatively enormous for you. Eighty-seven years in sixty seconds, you know?’ ‘Oh, so that’s the game, is it?’ Celestia said, glaring at him. Tirek sighed. ‘Revert to my previous point. “Wasn’t me!” And who’d be so elaborate? I’d blast you to a cinder with your own magic! Besides, aren’t you missing the obvious?’ ‘What’s that?’ Celestia grunted. ‘Discord? Master of Chaos?’ ‘Ahead of you,’ said Luna, grinning. ‘And that’s my theory as well, but she’s so fixated on you she won’t give it the time of –’ ‘OK! Maybe it is Discord! Happy?’ ‘I am!’ said Luna and Tirek in unison. They looked at each other and burst into laughter. ‘You’d better teach me step two,’ croaked Celestia, rubbing her eyes. Luna recovered first. ‘Step two is gratitude, Sister! You’re still alive; you’re still whole! You can eat and drink and speak and walk and fly!’ ‘Maybe we should fly away,’ said Celestia. ‘Middle of nowhere or not, I’d take that chance.’ ‘Gratitude, Sister, gratitude! If you’re wrong, will you rest on the water? You’ve a dry basket in which to sleep. Step two is gratitude!’ ‘Yes, and how can I be grateful when I’m still struggling with step one?’ ‘No harm in trying!’ ‘Hmph.’ ‘Step three,’ Tirek interrupted, ‘is inspiration!’ ‘Inspi— what?’ ‘He’s got it! Inspiration, Sister, inspiration! You must turn the time into positivity. Into art! Did you know that there’s a sculpture of Nightmare Moon on the moon? Made it myself, with my own shed feathers!’ ‘And I invented and deployed my own language,’ said Tirek smugly. ‘Carved the lexicon into rock using a spoon. Then you transferred me.’ He sighed. ‘But I still remember. “Hurkel binka wixpo”. Means “I am here”, though “binka” is the infinitive. Dialect, to say it like that. Hah, I even wrote dialect!’ ‘So, get inspired, Sister!’ Luna said, attempting to thump her on the back. (Her translucent hoof passed through Celestia’s avatar.) ‘Do poetry! I’ll keep the food and drink coming. Get comfortable. Relax! Imprisonment’s a skill, and we’ll teach you.’ ‘I need some air,’ murmured Celestia. ‘You’re breathing the same air, Sister,’ said Luna. ‘It’s psychological, Luna!’ snapped Celestia with some of her old vigour. ‘Steps one, two and three indeed. You villains and your games. I’ve had enough.’ She pulled out of T-Kam, Luna and Tirek grinning at her as she vanished.
Day IIIThough ‘hot-air balloon’ described accurately the vessel upon which Celestia and Luna sat, it failed to underline the perplexing nature of its flight. No burner of fuel enabled the envelope, and even to their trained eyes no magical source of power was apparent. ‘It’s positively sinister!’ Celestia said for the third time. ‘Luna, we can’t stay here forever! I won’tdo it! Anything?’ For Luna, using her magic, had conjured a coil of rope, tied it around her waist and flown below the cloudline, hoping to glimpse more than sea or sky. ‘Not a bird,’ she said, securing the rope so that it mostly dangled over the edge of the basket. ‘Scarcely a wave, Sister. Nice down there, though. It’s like going for a walk – except flying.’ ‘Here,’ said Celestia, tossing Luna a slice of bread. ‘Jam?’ ‘Please.’ ‘What’s for dinner?’ ‘What would you like?’ ‘Sunday roast, please, with turnip mash too. And make sure the potatoes are cooked properly!’ ‘Can’t do it. How am I supposed to know whether somepony’s made a roast? I need to visualise!’ ‘Fine, fine.’ Celestia sighed and rubbed her eyes as Luna bit into her jeely piece. Luna watched, chewing. ‘Whah?’ she said, mouth full. ‘What? What do you mean “what”?’ Luna shrugged and swallowed. ‘What?’ ‘I’m tired! I don’t know where we are, what’s going on!’ ‘So? Neither do I.’ Luna grinned in spite of herself. ‘Step one, Sister; acceptan—’ ‘To blazes with your steps, girl! What do we do next?’ Luna shrugged again. ‘Eat some brioche for dessert?’ ‘No! No, no, no! I mean about this. OK, Luna, OK!’ Celestia said angrily. ‘You’ve made it perfectly clear you aren’t serious about helping. I understand. Forgive me if I don’t join in!’ ‘Sorry, Sister. Hah, it’s just funny watching you get mad. Sorry. OK. What do we do next?’ ‘Well, that’s my point! What? I don’t know!’ ‘And you’d like me to –’ Luna paused. ‘Suggest?’ ‘Yes, suggest, suggest! What’s our next move? What was our last move? Oh, I’m sick of this! OK. We know we’re nowhere. Or somewhere nowhere near anywhere – yes. So, what about our magical options? You can conjure food. Good. Great. What about parchment? A quill? Can we send a letter? I could, with my magic. To Twilight. Then she’ll find a way to –’ ‘Nice thinking!’ Luna said, smiling at Celestia. ‘See, Sister? You’re already learning to accept! You’ve accepted that you don’t need to reach wit’s end to form a plan!’ Celestia sighed and closed her eyes. ‘Yes, yes. Acceptance. Whatever. Well, Luna? Could you?’ ‘Quill and parchment? Coming up!’ Her spell succeeded, and the items fell into Celestia’s lap. Celestia beamed. ‘Where I’d be without you – OK. Oh, and ink, of course,’ she added. Another pop. ‘Good, excellent. OK. Now the question is – what do we say?’ ‘We’re stuck in a balloon in the sky somewhere. What else can we say?’ ‘Yes, I was hoping for something rather more eloquent. How about “My dear student Twi—”’ ‘Student? You still call her that?’ ‘Force of habit, Luna. “Dearest Twilight”, then. “Luna and I are –”’ ‘“Dearest”,’ snorted Luna. ‘You know Twilight. What is this, an epistle?’ ‘It doesn’t hurt to be formal. It’s polite.’ ‘Actually, I think it’s impolite. I think politeness used to be polite, but what passes for “politeness” these days is not.’ ‘What are you talking about, Luna?’ ‘That’s the thing, see. “Politeness” is “Oh, I’m ever so sorry, Princess Luna, but I’m afraid we haven’t any in stock.” And it comes with that fake smile, and sometimes you get that horribly strained forced laughter. Time was ponies meant it when they told me that. “Politeness” was politeness because it was sincere. Now it’s a ritual ponies follow because they’re afraid they’ll be attacked if they don’t.’ ‘What were you buying?’ ‘Bunny slippers, but that’s not the point. And I’m just using retail as an example. How about in the street? You see a pony stroll up; face is relaxed and serious-looking; then as soon as they spot you, the greetings and the nods and the fake laugh appear. Honestly? Rudeness is politeness nowadays. Well, not “rudeness”, but, like – you know! Sincerity! If you’re angry, you’re angry – you yell. If you’re sad, you don’t put on a smile. See what I’m getting at?’ Celestia realised she very rarely heard Luna complain about anything. Perhaps the idleness was getting to her. ‘Luna, I am sincere! “Dearest” is how I begin my letters! I always have!’ ‘I know,’ said Luna, and she smiled again. Celestia found this oddly disheartening. So often her problems were the topic of their discussion. Luna’s remained largely unspoken. Now grew an uncomfortable silence, one in which Celestia saw her own deficiencies as a sister. ‘Anyway,’ said Luna quickly, as though her frustration were trivial. ‘Where were we?’ ‘“Luna and I are”,’ Celestia said quietly. ‘Yeah. OK, what are we? How about “missing”?’ Celestia sighed and smiled. ‘Why not? You’re right. What more can we say? “Missing”. OK.’ ‘And just throw in something about the sea and the sky. And the clouds. And that we woke up in the basket. Oh, and that we have our T-Kams. Oh! And that she can contact us via T-Kam because we have signal! Anything else?’ Celestia grinned. Luna blinked at her. It was her turn to ask. ‘What?’ Celestia did not reply, only grinned more widely. ‘What?’ repeated Luna, starting to grin too. Celestia pointed, and Luna turned. ‘Wha—? Oh!’ The red envelope of a hot-air balloon had penetrated the cloudline. The sisters watched in silence as its skirt came into view – and then the basket. In it, her eyes wide and her mouth open, stood Princess Cadence – and, blinking, five others.
Day IV‘Mm,’ said Rapidfire appreciatively, munching on his jeely piece. ‘Thanks, Princess.’ Luna was too preoccupied with conjuring another loaf for Cadence and Celestia to notice. With her rope she had secured together the balloons. Cadence and Rapidfire had flown to Luna and Celestia’s and freed space in Cadence’s for the wingless. Nurse Redheart and Doc Top had refused jam in favour of butter, in their words, ‘to balance the starch’. Jet Set and Upper Crust looked thoroughly miserable, yet the presence of three highest-ranking ponies was sufficient motivation for eating without complaint. ‘OK!’ called Luna eventually. ‘Everypony happy?’ ‘Mm,’ almost all of them grunted (Upper Crust’s smile wobbled). Celestia clapped her sister on the back. ‘Well done, Luna,’ she said. ‘At least no pony shall go hungry, and in such circumstances – more than one hopes for. Well done.’ ‘Doing my bit,’ said Luna as she bit into her bread. ‘Mm. Yeah, it’s not bad, right? The Larder, Sister! Good stuff!’ ‘Yes, yes. Now. Cadence. I see you have your T-Kam.’ ‘And you have yours?’ ‘We’ve already visited Tirek,’ Celestia told her. ‘And as irksome as it is to admit, he might not be responsible. I haven’t ruled him out, of course – but there it is. Actually,’ she added, ‘it will be worth checking in on him. His opinion could be useful; he knows an awful lot about dark magic. You’ll join us?’ Cadence nodded and asked, ‘How did you end up here?’ ‘We woke up here,’ Luna said. ‘Woke up floating! You?’ ‘Exactly the same,’ said Cadence with worried eyes. ‘All of us! Redheart and Doc Top say they fell asleep on a couch. Jet Set and Upper Crust were relaxing at home. We all woke up here, in the air. What a mercy it is to find you two! I was afraid we’d starve.’ ‘Urh, Princess Luna?’ It was Jet Set, in the other balloon. ‘My wife and I would love some more, please. If it isn’t too much troub—’ ‘Catch!’ Luna tossed across a loaf with her magic; it landed in Doc Top’s hair. ‘Oops! Head’s up, Doc! And here’s a jar of marmalade. Oh, and some butter for you too.’ These items followed more successfully. The medical contingent thanked Luna; the socialites positively gushed. ‘Ever so grateful –’ ‘And if you should ever be in our –’ ‘– shall give you the most excellent –’ ‘– eternally thankful!’ Luna waved them down. Rapidfire coughed but could not hide his snort. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘They’re unbelievable. Spent the entire day sucking up to Princess Cadence, and now that you’re here, it’s round two. Sorry. Shouldn’t say that.’ Luna was delighted. ‘Nonsense, Raps, that’s the way! It’s all informal here, up in the air! No stations or graces. You get to the point, and you do it without pretension! Hear that, Doc?’ she crowed at Doc Top, who blinked. ‘Princess?’ ‘Don’t “Princess” me! It’s “Luna”! And “Celestia”!’ Celestia coughed. ‘Well, if it’s all the same –’ She stopped herself, remembering Luna’s earlier outburst. ‘Yes, well. If we are to get to know each other, I suppose we can be more relaxed.’ ‘That’s the spirit, Sister!’ Luna grinned. ‘Oi, you lot! You think you get to eat for free? No, no! It’s game time! Two facts and a lie, and Cadence will start us off!’ Cadence looked at Luna; then she looked at Celestia. Tired and not eager to deny Luna her fun after a hitherto invaluable contribution, Celestia nodded. Cadence shrugged. ‘OK, I’ll play. Um – OK. Two facts. And a lie. Um –’ She paused. ‘I’m an expert in post-tonal theory. My favourite book is The Cow of Monte Crest-o. I – I cheated on Shining Armor.’ Luna groaned. ‘You’re awful at this, Cadence! You’re supposedto make the lie believable. And you’re meant to think of it before you say the truths! And you’re supposed to embed it, not make it obvious by hesitating and leaving it for last!’ ‘Wait – which was the lie?’ muttered Jet Set. Cadence looked very sad. ‘Do you think I’d ever cheat on my husband?’ ‘Oh! Oh, n-no, of course not, Princess! I – I meant no offence! I am so very sorry to have –’ ‘Drop the “Princess”, Jetso! This princess commands it!’ ‘“Jetso”?’ repeated Celestia, grimacing. Luna grinned. ‘Acceptance, Sister. Gratitude! Inspiration! Let’s have some fun! OK, my turn, then, as you’re all so bloody shy. OK. I’ve broken my leg seven times. Once I stole seven bits from my sister’s bedside table. I’m a massive black-magic fan.’ Celestia shook her head, amused. ‘Oh, Luna. You criticise Cadence, and you’re just as bad? You don’t even know the rules!’ ‘Sure I do!’ ‘I think,’ chipped in Rapidfire, ‘that you’re lying when you say you’re a black-magic fan, but then I don’t think you stole from your sister’s table either, so –’ He frowned. Celestia rolled her eyes. ‘She’s messing with you. They’re all lies. Broken your leg seven times? And I can tell you for a fact that you’ve never pinched so much as a comb tooth from my bedside table!’ ‘Wrong!’ Luna said, grinning. ‘Any other takers?’ ‘The black-magic thing,’ said Cadence. Doc Top and Nurse Redheart looked at each other. ‘The bits from the table?’ suggested the latter weakly. ‘Hah!’ cried Luna triumphantly. ‘That’s how you play, see? You make the truths seem ridiculous and then slip in a mundane lie! I’ve broken my leg once. Tripped on a moon rock. And the bits I stole were in your bedside table, Sister, because I stole them from Father, who’d hidden them there. And I am a fan of Black Magic, the album – not “black magic”, see? Hah! See how it’s done?’ ‘Wait a moment,’ said Celestia, frowning. ‘Cadence, did you say you’re an expert in post-tonal theory?’ Cadence blinked and nodded. ‘Yes.’ ‘But – but since when?’ Cadence shrugged. ‘I studied it.’ ‘Sister!’ exclaimed Luna. ‘You can’t interrupt another pony’s go! I won my round! OK, now it’s your turn!’ ‘Luna, I’m not –’ ‘Your turn, Sister!’ ‘Fine, fine! I need time to think. Let somepony else try.’ ‘I’ve saved a foal’s life. I’ve never tasted celery. I’ve lost money playing the lottery.’ Doc Top’s face was impassive. ‘The first one’s true,’ said Nurse Redheart. ‘So, it’s between celery and lottery.’ ‘Well, that’s easy,’ Rapidfire called to her. ‘Everypony loses playing the lottery. So it’s celery that’s the lie.’ Luna nudged Celestia. ‘See?’ she whispered. ‘The ice is breaking!’ ‘Luna…’ ‘Unless he doesn’t play the lottery!’ Upper Crust piped up. Doc Top grinned. ‘Well done,’ he said. ‘Never played, never will – but celery I have tasted, and I don’t like it.’ ‘Keep going, you lot!’ said Luna, standing abruptly. Celestia watched her. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked. ‘For a walk! Well, a fly. Oh, more rope, that’s right. Give’s a sec.’ She closed her eyes, furrowed her brow and – pop! A coil materialised and fell over her mane. ‘Oof! Ah, there.’ Bemused, Celestia asked, ‘Would you like me to come with you?’ ‘No, no. Just keep everypony happy for a while. I want some time alone. Don’t look so shocked! I’ll be back in a jiffy.’ To Celestia’s surprise, Rapidfire and Cadence did not seem perturbed by Luna’s sudden change of heart. In fact, they laughed as Nurse Redheart claimed to have peed on her neighbour’s flower bed. Once Luna had reattached herself and flown below, Celestia caught an inkling of how lonely she felt without her.
Day VIt was not dark. Celestia could not lower the sun, whose presence she did not feel; Luna could not raise the moon, whose absence she did not feel. Nevertheless, it was dimmer – as though the sky corresponded to the passengers’ collective state of mind. Cadence snored against a hay sack; Rapidfire kipped under a blanket that Luna had conjured. The other balloon was silent, its occupants fast asleep. Luna yawned. ‘Getting colder,’ she said, adjusting her blanket. Celestia stretched her neck. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘And clearer. See there? The clouds are starting to thin.’ ‘Oh – yeah.’ ‘Good news, let’s hope.’ Celestia yawned too and reached for her flask. She sipped her tisane, still warm. ‘Tirek in the morning?’ ‘Good idea. I checked the skirt, and there’s no sign of magic. Can’t wrap my head around it. No response from Twilight?’ Celestia shook her head sadly. ‘Nothing.’ Luna grinned. Celestia sighed. ‘Luna.’ ‘What?’ ‘Stop smiling.’ ‘Stop smiling? Why would I do that?’ ‘Because it isn’t funny.’ ‘Who said it was funny?’ ‘You didn’t say, but you certainly implied!’ ‘Come off it, Sister. You should smile more. It’s good for you. It’s good for everypony. It’s harder to feel sad when you smile.’ ‘Is it? Weren’t you telling me just the other day about forced smiles?’ ‘Touché. OK, you have me there – though in my case it isn’t forced.’ ‘Yes, I know! And that’s precisely why I told you to stop! Because it isn’t funny.’ Luna grinned more widely. ‘And that’s what makes me want to smile even more! We’ve done OK here, really. It’s been good so far. Come on, Sister; it’s been fun. Food, drink, rest, relaxation. No responsibilities. A real lark, as Tirek put it.’ Sometimes Celestia did not understand her sister. To her the idea of laughing in the face of danger was inane, a comic-book fantasy. Luna appeared to find it not only appropriate but obligatory. In the previous days Celestia had observed that the more serious their situation became the more Luna revelled in its desperation. This forced her to take it even more seriously. ‘If you can materialise objects, can you materialise ponies?’ she asked. ‘What?’ ‘Well, Luna? Can you?’ ‘No.’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Ponies are more complex. Too complex for me.’ ‘What does that mean?’ ‘I can’t perform the spell.’ Celestia sighed and sipped her tisane again. ‘Of course. And why would you?’ For the first time Luna frowned slightly. ‘What do you mean?’ ‘You’re clearly having a good time. Why go back? That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Why return to day-to-day life when you can be stuck here instead? But for how long, Luna? Hmm? How long until you realise you have to go back, until you realise the gimmick is over?’ Luna digested this quietly. Celestia shook her head. ‘I think we could solve this, you and I. And Cadence. There are other ponies besides us, to whom we have a responsibility. And though we wouldn’t have made it this far without you, we’re playing games now? Making jokes? Counting cards? What is this, Luna?’ ‘I don’t know. But neither do you.’ Luna fixed her sister squarely. ‘And don’t talk to me about responsibility. What have you done that I haven’t? Come to think of it, have you done anything at all? Other than point hooves and whine about nothing.’ ‘About nothing? Nothing, Luna?’ ‘Sorry.’ Luna turned away – and turned back, her eyes strained. ‘Can’t you ever just enjoy something, Sister? For what it is?’ To this query Celestia did not respond. In it she sensed a depth of emotion that she had not heard before. For a moment she held her breath. Luna had moved on: she closed her eyes. Pop! Two cigars plopped into the basket – thick and fragrant, with branded bands. Celestia raised her brow. ‘Imperials?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Luna, we can’t –’ ‘There it is again, Sister! “Can’t”! Well, why not?’ ‘When have you ever smoked?’ ‘I haven’t – but how about we have this one together? Just this one, Sister. Just this once.’ Celestia picked up the nearest Imperial and sniffed. ‘Motherwort?’ Luna grinned. ‘From the grape roads. So, what do you say?’ Celestia sighed. She nodded. ‘OK, Luna. OK. You win – just this once. And you had better summon up some matches. If my fire spell is imprecise, then yours is –’ ‘Faultless,’ said Luna, igniting both with her horn. Celestia snorted. ‘Since when are you so polished? Luna! I’ll have to practise!’ Grinning, Celestia puffed on her Imperial. ‘Huh.’ She blew out and frowned. ‘It’s like – chewing on a strange tisane. Does that make sense?’ ‘Guess I’ll find out.’ Luna drew on hers and choked, spluttering. Celestia laughed. ‘Now who’s not enjoying it!’ ‘Heck, it’s like molten metal!’ ‘You’re supposed to let it touch the back of your mouth. Then you exhale. Luna, really. What a fool you make of yourself sometimes.’ She smiled. ‘You make me laugh.’ Luna grinned, her face a portrait of triumph and affection. ‘Well, that’s good, Sister. That’s great. I did say to smile was to find sadness difficult. So, what’s the plan?’ ‘The plan, Luna?’ ‘Yeah, the plan! For getting out of here.’ ‘Oh, so you’re interested now?’ ‘I always was. I just wanted everypony to calm down a little. That’s the power of a good game or a funny joke, Sister. Ponies relax. You could use a little distraction more than most! Ugh!’ She choked again and gave a hacking cough. ‘Ooh, it’s horrible!’ Celestia choked on her own Imperial, she was laughing so hard. ‘Come on,’ she wheezed upon recovery. ‘My plan is that we get some sleep.’ They tossed their half-finished cigars over the edge of the basket and beamed at each other.
Day VI‘Man, that’s a good OJ!’ Rapidfire drained his cup and held out his hoof for more. Luna poured with her magic. ‘Canterlot Larder, Raps,’ she said. ‘Only the best. You eat at the Larder?’ ‘Ah, so that explains it – and yeah, all the time! Great place. Spitfire and me used to go after training.’ ‘Used to?’ ‘Team’s not what it once was. There’s a new generation of Wonderbolts to look to, and most of us have slipped into coaching. I used to be quicker off the mark than a startled rabbit. And some speed’s still there, more or less, but the acceleration – that’s declining.’ ‘So that’s why you stopped flying in the derby!’ Celestia brandished her toast at him. ‘I knew I hadn’t seen you in a while!’ Rapidfire grinned. ‘That’s right. Game’s the game. Older you are the harder it gets. I’ve made peace with myself, though. The skill’s still in here.’ He tapped his head. ‘Now my job is passing it along.’ ‘We won a lot of money betting on you,’ Jet Set called from the other balloon. Upper Crust nodded. ‘We used to watch the races with Fancy Pants. You won almost every time!’ ‘Yeah, the good times,’ said Rapidfire. ‘I won’t forget that feeling – eyes in the goggles, air whipping my muzzle. The force as you turn. Flying. Nothing like it.’ ‘I’ll bet,’ said Doc Top. ‘As a colt, I hated being an Earth Pony. My friends were casting spells and kicking clouds, and I dug the garden.’ ‘Now?’ asked Rapidfire. ‘As you said – I made peace with myself.’ Doc Top chuckled. ‘Must be a good rep, though, being a doctor. Or a nurse. Helping ponies.’ Nurse Redheart smiled. ‘Not quite as awed as being a Wonderbolt, but I didn’t join the hospital for money or glory.’ ‘Nor did I join the team for either,’ said Rapidfire. He paused, then added, ‘Well, for glory – OK, I admit.’ Everypony laughed. ‘I wanted to get into cooking,’ said Luna, inspecting her bread. ‘Baking in particular. You remember, Sister? My rock buns were nice!’ Celestia pulled a face. ‘They were, but your muffins – they ate like tar. And those were your words, Luna, not mine!’ ‘Heh, true, true. I could whip together a batch here, couldn’t I? Could dangle the oven off the basket if I got some more rope – joking, Sister! Just joking!’ ‘I composed a lot before becoming a princess,’ said Cadence, her eyes distant. ‘Wrote it all out. It’s still sitting in the castle, in a folder somewhere.’ ‘How come we never heard any?’ Luna asked her. Cadence shrugged. ‘It wasn’t very good.’ ‘Yeah? Isn’t that for others to judge?’ ‘I – I suppose.’ ‘So, can we hear it?’ ‘Luna,’ said Celestia. ‘If Cadence is uncomfortable with –’ ‘Nonsense, Sister! Cadence, you can show us when we get back, right?’ ‘Speaking of which,’ interrupted Jet Set. He lost his nerve as all eyes flicked to him. ‘Erm – well, I mean to say – how are we? Returning to Canterlot, that is?’ Upper Crust stared at Celestia, who eyed Luna, who grinned. ‘Not to worry, Jetso, old boy. Not to worry. My sister and I have a plan. We’re going to petition Tirek to get to the bottom of it all. Petition? Commission? Is that the word?’ Celestia frowned. ‘Luna, I don’t think that’s quite what we had in mind.’ ‘Nonsense, it’s exactly what’s needed! Tirek’ll help us out, don’t you worry! And Cadence, she’ll come along too. Help us get him in the right mood.’ ‘Tirek?’ Rapidfire repeated, confused. ‘An old friend,’ said Luna before Celestia could reply. ‘Good pal of ours who we can visit thanks to these!’ She picked up her T-Kam and wiggled it. ‘And he knows all sorts about magic, doesn’t he, Sister? He’ll get to the bottom of it for us.’ ‘About magic?’ Doc Top sounded puzzled. ‘What do you mean? Whatever for?’ ‘Nothing to worry about,’ said Celestia quickly. ‘Just a theory. Luna and I think that this situation might be the product of some awry magic. It wouldn’t be the first time.’ If Celestia suspected her counterparts’ adoption of the bizarre circumstances, she decided not to show it. At any rate, to her something was amiss. Though the others, it was true, she did not know well, certainly she thought Cadence wasn’t herself. Only Luna displayed her typical crisis-time behaviour. Something was going on – more than merely a strange situation. It made her pensive and quiet. ‘Luna,’ she whispered as Cadence and Doc Top launched into a debate about set theory. ‘Can I – speak with you? Later?’ Luna shrugged. ‘Uh, yeah. Of course? What’s up?’ Celestia nodded. ‘Good. And nothing! Nothing. Just – good.’ ‘– and maximally invariant transposition accounts for close-key relationships in a tonal system. You’re basically evolving a set incrementally. That’s what maintains a high degree of common members. A close key contains only one pitch class not among those of its relatives.’ ‘But Cadence, that isn’t a suitable explanation at all! It hasn’t any ethics yet. It’s a pseudoscientific justification for standardised manipulations! Why subvert a system if the operations of your unfamiliar alternative lead to the same destination?’ Yes, thought Celestia, something was wrong, when Cadence and Doc Top, who had never met before, discussed a thesis in music theory. Something was out of place. Something. But what? She watched them, whose faces were a little too relaxed. A little too pleased. They knew something. Somepony knew something. Something.
Day VIICelestia had thought that Tirek’s smirk would never be pleasant. As she plunged into T-Kam, she realised in spite of herself that she found it almost welcome. ‘Oho!’ he said, snapping shut his book and draining his glass. ‘What took so long, I wonder? High jinks in the skies? Technical difficulties? Come, tell! I’m so eager to hear!’ Luna saluted. ‘Tirek! Long time no see!’ ‘Yes,’ he grunted. ‘Might as well be a very long time! Do you know how bored I’ve been – after that first taste of fun? Luna shrugged. ‘Well, you know I know.’ ‘Yes. The question was more for your sister.’ ‘I don’t care,’ said Celestia. ‘And I hoped never to have to return. The fact is, Tirek, we might need your help.’ ‘Is that a fact?’ Tirek laughed and got to his hooves. ‘Well, well, well! Now it’s yours truly who holds all the power! Never tell the prisoner you want his help, Highness; it’s the first law!’ ‘I thought the first was “acceptance”,’ said Celestia icily. ‘Oh, yes, yes, but the laws are different for imprisoners. You can’t expect anything from those you lock away! If you do, and you let them know, it’s game over! You know what I’m going to do now, I suppose?’ Celestia sighed. ‘Demand your freedom or something ludicrous. And don’t think we need your help quite so badly, Tirek. It was Luna’s idea to come here, not mine. Remember that!’ Tirek looked confused. He turned to Luna. ‘It – it was?’ And to Celestia’s surprise Luna scowled. ‘Why is that strange? Can’t I have even one thought of my own?’ Tirek backed away. He raised his hooves. ‘OK, OK. This I didn’t expect. Usually it’s – you know. You just seem so chill all the time. But OK. OK, I’ll help.’ ‘Oh, so when it’s me, then you refuse?’ said Celestia. ‘Refuse? Who said refuse? I said it would cost you!’ ‘But not Luna.’ ‘No, no. Luna knows the rules inside out. And she isn’t fun to mess with – because only you get worked up over nothing. Or everything, that is.’ Luna grinned again. ‘You’re right there, aren’t you just. Well, Tirek, it’s like this: we’re stuck and we don’t know how to get unstuck.’ ‘I knew that much,’ said Tirek. ‘And we’ve done the checks. For magic, for mischief, for blah blah blah. No cigar. Well, there was a cigar, actually – two cigars. But you get it. I’m stumped.’ ‘So you want my opinion, do you?’ Tirek chuckled. ‘I’m game, as they say. Right, let me do some thinking. You’ll need to give me more to go on, though.’ ‘Well, what more can we say?’ Luna said. She turned to Celestia. ‘Anything?’ ‘Why can’t I lower the sun?’ said Celestia. ‘Why can’t Luna raise the moon? Why can’t she enter anypony’s dreams when we sleep?’ Tirek’s eyes widened. ‘You kept all that quiet, didn’t you?’ ‘You didn’t know?’ ‘Of course I didn’t know! It doesn’t exactly come with a view, this place, does it?’ ‘Oh – yes, of course.’ ‘So, let me get this straight –’ Tirek’s grin grew and grew. ‘Not only are you lost but you’re locked out of your magic? Oh, it’s genius! Hah! Aha, ha! Oh, I’d like to shake the hoof of this one! Aha, ha, ha!’ ‘Your opinion,’ hissed Celestia. ‘Oh, I’ll give you an opinion all right! This is brilliant!’ ‘But we aren’t locked out completely,’ said Luna, ‘because I can summon up food and drink. Oh, and we managed to send a message to Twilight.’ ‘And how did that go?’ Luna shrugged again. ‘No response.’ ‘Hmm. Hmm. Yes, I see. No magic at all? No sign? No trace? Anywhere?’ ‘No.’ ‘You’re absolutely certain.’ ‘Yes,’ said Celestia and Luna together. ‘Hmm. Illusion. Got to be.’ He snapped his hooves and returned to his chair. Celestia frowned. ‘What do you mean?’ she asked. ‘You’re trapped in an illusion is my guess. You aren’t reallyfloating in a hot-air balloon.’ ‘So what about Cadence and Rapidfire? And the others?’ asked Luna. ‘Are they not here either?’ Tirek spluttered with laughter. ‘You two are awful! Can’t explain a thing! What’s this now? More of you?’ ‘Oh – yeah, sorry about that.’ Luna grinned. ‘My bad. Should have said. We bumped into another hot-air balloon, and this one had Cadence and a bunch of other ponies in it.’ ‘Cadence is there with you?’ ‘She is,’ said Celestia. ‘And she has her T-Kam.’ ‘She does? Then why isn’t she –?’ ‘Because something is off, Tirek,’ said Celestia. ‘Something is off! And Luna can smile all she wants! Something is off!’ Tirek turned to Luna, who snorted. ‘She’s getting paranoid. Always happens. Classic.’ ‘Luna! I’m serious! When have you ever heard Cadence so much as mention “maximally invariant transposition”? What is this nonsense? And am I – for whatever reason – the only sane pony on those blasted balloons? No one cares that they’re lost and floating amid endless cloud? Everypony’s laughing and joking? Someone’s playing with our heads!’ ‘Perhaps you’re the only insane one,’ said Luna, and she giggled as Tirek laughed. ‘Ponies laugh and joke because it’s fun, Sister! It keeps them happy.’ Celestia rolled her eyes. ‘No, Luna, no. You aren’t talking me out of this one. This is serious. And I tell you now, Tirek – I tell you now that something is up.’ ‘Well, illusion still works, more of you or not,’ he said, stretching on his chair. ‘Some sort of multi-party illusion.’ ‘If it’s illusion, how come we can speak to you?’ ‘Well, maybe you aren’t!’ Celestia scowled. ‘Don’t play games with me, Tirek. Not now.’ He laughed. ‘OK, I’m joking. Who says you can’t be in an illusion and speak to me at the same time? You think you’re in a balloon, but you’re elsewhere. Your consciousness is here, but your body isn’t. Presto. An illusion.’ ‘And how do I know you aren’t behind it?’ Celestia growled, glaring at the centaur. He waved a hoof through the air. ‘Nothing I say would convince you. And that goes for guilt as well! If I admitted it was me, you’d second-guess that too!’ ‘Luna! What do you think?’ Celestia waited, but Luna seemed uninterested in her fast-emerging theory. For the first time Celestia doubted her. Perhaps ‘Luna’ was a pony whose essence was false. Perhaps all the others were too. Did that mean, she thought, that she was the only pony in this illusion? And how could she escape? Then the circle completed itself: What if it wasn’t an illusion at all? What if it was real? ‘What do you think?’ Luna’s expression, though unreadable, made Celestia feel strange. She did not like this. She wanted out. ‘Luna,’ she breathed. ‘Is it you?’ Luna laughed and Celestia’s spine shivered. ‘Of course it’s me! Not like this, Sister, come on. You’re losing it now. Get back on track.’ ‘Yes – yes, you would say that, wouldn’t you?’ Celestia pulled out of T-Kam, shuddering.
Day VIII‘What’s the matter?’ asked Doc Top, frowning as Celestia and Luna emerged. ‘What do you mean?’ asked Celestia. ‘You just seem – on edge, you know?’ ‘Oh? And how would you know that?’ Doc Top shrugged. ‘You just gave me the impression.’ ‘Did I indeed? Well, there’s nothing to worry about. I’m just fine!’ Luna rolled her eyes. ‘It’s paranoia time, people; watch it.’ ‘Luna!’ Celestia couldn’t believe that Luna would expose her in front of perfect strangers. ‘What? Pays to be honest, doesn’t it? Get all the poison out on the table, I say, Sister. Get all the emotions out for all to see. Only way that works in the long term.’ ‘What do you mean?’ Cadence asked Luna, her brow raised. ‘What happened? What did Tirek say?’ ‘Nothing!’ snapped Celestia. ‘Luna’s talking about something else.’ ‘See, Sister, this is your problem.’ Luna sighed. ‘You don’t trust anypony! Not even your closest friends! It’s Cadence! It’s me!’ Celestia went red as the others watched her. ‘It – it’s not like that!’ she stammered. ‘Luna, there are – what about, you know? The others,’ she hissed so that only Luna could hear. Luna’s eyes twinkled. ‘OK, people, we’re going to have it straight because that’s the way we roll here.’ Luna stood and cleared her throat. ‘I want everypony to put on the table their misgivings. All of them. Any bad emotion I want out. Oi, Raps. Kick us off, yeah?’ Rapidfire obeyed without hesitation. ‘It’s simple enough for me. I think this is some rotten luck, and I don’t like the posh ponies very much. There it is.’ ‘That’s a relief!’ scoffed Upper Crust. ‘I don’t like you either! “The glory days” and how you’re oh-so chummy with the princesses! It should be me in that balloon!’ ‘Yes, quite right!’ added Jet Set, scowling at Rapidfire. ‘And though we made money on you, I didn’t say how much we lost! Overconfident poser. Can’t even fly properly! Do you know how much I paid after your last crash?’ Rapidfire shrugged. ‘No, and I don’t care. Look at you, sucking up to anyone you can suck dry! You’re exactly the ponies who exist on the work of others and contribute nothing themselves!’ ‘Well, I don’t like either of you,’ said Nurse Redheart. ‘And Luna’s the only pony here who’s done anything to help us. And I thought you were supposed to be a leader,’ she aimed at Celestia, who blushed. ‘I haven’t much to say at all,’ said Doc Top, sighing. ‘I just want to go home. That’s me. Fed up.’ ‘My turn? I’m having a hoot myself!’ said Luna, chuckling. ‘This is the most fun I’ve had since – well, since we forced Tirek to drink tonic!’ ‘No fun for me,’ said Cadence. ‘I’ve had enough of you two. Arguments and chaos every time. Luna and Celestia, the funny sisters! Ha, ha! But I’m the one who picks up the pieces. Well, I’m off.’ She flew to the other balloon. Celestia snorted. ‘Aha! I have it now! Oh, Luna. Luna, I can see it’s you. You’re far too ridiculous to be false – but the others? How it hits me now! Chrysalis!’ she said, smirking at Cadence. ‘You and your changelings can change back now.’ Instead of changing the ponies froze. Almost all the ponies froze. Celestia and Luna inspected Rapidfire, who’d gone stiffer than a statue. Cadence leered from her balloon. ‘So,’ she called. ‘You think you’ve figured it out?’ ‘Haven’t I?’ crowed Celestia, delighted that Luna appeared ordinary. ‘Let’s see you, then! What is this? Explain!’ ‘Cadence’ laughed. And turned into Tirek. ‘Surprise!’ he said, grinning. Celestia was not fooled. ‘No. He’s safely contained. Show yourself, Chrysalis. I won’t have any more games.’ She charged her horn. ‘But there’s one more left to play!’ The sky started to spin. First turned the clouds, a tiny twister of vapour high above them. It grew. The hot-air balloons rose. The envelopes deflated with a sigh and the baskets dropped – but did not fall. The vortex sucked them in. Blue, black, white, red – colours swam in Celestia’s eyes. She moved but could not see where. She called for Luna but could not hear her voice. And she awoke. A cold, metal restraint held her in place. She struggled, gasping. The room was dark; she shivered. ‘Luna! Luna, are you there?’ ‘Sister?’
