These ponies actually suck at Chess

by Mr Unidentified

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 2138

Twilight Sparkle is good at planning. This does not correlate to her being good at chess.

Chess is Hard. Everypony can agree on that.

Some are better than others. Some exceptionally so. And some, not so much.

Twilight Sparkle is good at planning. This does not correlate to her being good at chess.

Published 2022-09-20 23:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-09-20 23:50:00 UTC

Checkmate!

Author's Note

Inspired by Value Select.

Checkmate!

A battle of the ages was soon to commence for Twilight in Canterlot, unlike any other she had faced before.

She had previously encountered dastardly villains and stood against extradimensional threats. She had solved some of the most elusive equations and magical spells that had long stumped many brilliant scholars and mages alike. She had studied hundreds, if not thousands different tomes and textbooks in pursuit of academic perfection.

Her mind was sound and sharp, her conscience clear and still, her heart warm and pure.

She was ready.

Inhaling a deep breath, the lilac alicorn cantered past bystanders with her head held high as she entered the Celestial Amphitheater. The tryouts for the October Canterlot Open were coming to an end and Twilight was not keen on missing out on this event without a chance to try out first.

Brushing past several posh-looking ponies politely as she could, she found herself within the main lobby, asking for directions to the tryouts. A left turn followed by two right turns later, and she found herself standing in a large atrium off to the side of the main theater room.

An assortment of long tables is neatly arranged in a symmetrical pattern to leave room for a walkway in between every single table. Each table contains three separate chess boards and timers, each hosting a pair of ponies vying for control in a battle of attrition.

Her opponent waited for him at the opposite end of the Atrium, sitting behind a noticeably smaller table fit for only two competitors. A charcoal grey unicorn with amber eyes, with a dark-silver mane that’s the same hue as his goatee. He sat patiently, his eyes glued to the pieces that beckoned to be moved.

Twilight took a seat on the opposite end of the table, her opponent acknowledging her existence with but a passing glance. Twilight’s normally chipper expression had gone rather neutral upon her arrival. She gave a terse nod to her opponent.

The latter nodded back in respect. It was time.

Twilight clicked the button on her clock, and the match began. Her pieces were white, thus she was to go first. Slowly, deep in Twilight’s brain, levers and switches were thrown, and meticulously engineered gears began to turn. The inner machinations of her mind formulated a plan of action. A few bystander ponies noticed that a Princess of Equestria was playing Chess in the same theater as they were, and promptly spectated in silence. Neither contestant paid them any mind.

As a small crowd gathered around the table, Twilight had yet to go first. Which was a bit of a problem, because she was on a timer that had already started. Granted, she had an hour, but this might not be enough if she is not careful.

Every move must be planned ahead of time, and every contingency took into account before it is commenced; her opponent’s subtle body language is to be studied as he reacts to her moves.

Twilight looked up ever so slightly to read his opponent. He sat there ever patiently, his hoof stroking his chin hairs as he contemplated. Nothing to read there. Her eyes settled back onto the pieces.

The pawns from both sides stand in a neat, symmetrical line facing one another. Her eyes begin to make the moves for her, ahead of time.

It was getting hard to think. Her head had a slight dull ache that persisted. Her opponent was not giving her any reads in his body language. And she hadn’t made the first move yet.

Three minutes had already passed, and she still hadn’t moved.

“Your move, your majesty.” Her opponent politely coughed. She responded with a single nod, still contemplating what to do. Yet it was difficult, more than she had anticipated. She was never good at pawn structure, and she wasn’t sure which one to move first.

Pawn to D3? No, that wouldn’t work.

Anxiety seeped around her like a familiar cold blanket. She was suddenly not very thrilled with her chances.

Her eyes stared into her opponent’s pieces. And was struck with an epiphany.

Think in his shoes. What would I move, depending on what White moves?

With this emblazoned thought at the forefront of her mind, she began to calculate fervently. Her irises twitched from piece to piece, square to square. Then to her opponents’ pieces, and his squares.

An enigmatic smirk creased her lips. It would take a very observant pony to notice the twitch in her eyelid as well.

Twilight willed herself to look up once more. She saw her opponent still staring at the board, still stroking that same beard. By this point, she had noticed the crowd around her had grown in size exponentially. She couldn’t see through the other side of the mass of ponies watching. So many were there.

She had hoped her opponent would notice her facial expression, but he was still meticulously planning. And so, Twilight does something nopony expected her to do.

She laughed.

She heartily laughs; a mirthful, but mischievous sound. Only then did her opponent finally look up, donning an expression of bewilderment and concern.

Twilight finally faced her opponent eye-to-eye for the first time since she sat down.

“I do hope you will forgive me for getting ahead of myself,” Twilight said with forced cheerfulness, “but I do believe this is where they say ‘Checkmate.’”

Before her opponent could even acknowledge the absurdity of what she had uttered, a lilac hue of magic levitated the white pawn from C2 to C4 as her first move. Then, she tapped the button on the timer, causing her opponent’s clock to begin ticking down.

Nopony dared to move or speak at such a climactic moment.

The grey unicorn sitting across from Twilight stared down with his mask of neutrality finally cracking at the foundations. His eyes scanned the pawn with dubious intent… followed by profound confusion.

Upon looking up, he saw her beaming with a wide, seemingly jubilant smile. This only multiplied his confusion, as his body language betrayed his composure with a raised eyebrow.

“Uh… I’m sorry, what?” he replied in an atonal, deadpanned voice.

“I said, I do believe this is where they say ‘Checkmate,’ is it not?”

The grey unicorn blinked. Then blinked again to ensure he wasn’t dreaming. Then blinked a third time to interpret what she had just said.

“This, uh… This is the first move.” he responded in disbelief

“And yet, I have already won.”

The lilac alicorn beamed with confidence and benevolence. She was not boasting, merely stating something that should be interpreted as an objective, reasonable and logical fact.

The grey unicorn sat dumbfounded, his composure long since shattered and replaced with a flabbergasted expression. His mind began to churn slowly as he thought to himself about how to react to this… this… this audacious and ridiculous claim! He almost reacted with disdain and contempt. He wanted nothing more but to chastise her for being so arrogant.

He almost did. Until he remembered just who exactly he was dealing with.

He was dueling against princess Twilight Sparkle in a game of Chess. Princess Celestia’s protégé is facing him in the greatest contest of wits and intelligence possibly known to ponykind. She had been tutored by one of the immortal rulers of Equestria. She had been taught by somepony who had been alive a millennium. And she too, herself, is now a princess blessed with awe-inspiring knowledge and experience. Perhaps with this experience and knowledge came the possibility of possessing the extraordinary gift of foresight; to potentially see into the future.

If there was anypony in the world that could claim that they beat an opponent in Chess before the first move, it would be one of the princesses.

And although every part of his rational and logical mind screamed that it wasn’t possible, the quieter but more curious part of himself dared to speak up to ask the only question that mattered.

“... How? Show me.”

Twilight’s smile widened.

“Naturally, you would look to counter my pawn with your pawn.”

She levitated a black pawn from D7 to D6 rather unconsenually. But at this point, the grey unicorn was enamored by Twilight’s actions, powerless to stop her as if he was hypnotized.

“A clever move, I will give you that,” she politely continues.

She levitated another pawn forward.

“Your pawn looking to counter my pawn will be henceforth countered by another pawn. Following this, you will counter this pawn with another pawn of your own. And soon, you began to pick me off one by one with my pawn placement being so inadequate.”

At this point, Twilight is flailing black pawns around in different squares, and definitely not legally under the guise of Chess Rules. White pawns were violently knocked off the board and clattered on the floor. Many of the black pieces were placed haphazardly, some not even touching one square but rather multiple. And yet still, despite this insanity, her opponent continues to watch with a bewildered expression on his features.

“And with your newfound advantage, you press the offensive forward with your aggressive placement of pawns.”

The black pawns enveloped in a lilac glow slid forward and closed the distance on the white pieces, now in disarray.

“With the space of the board under your absolute control, you will begin to pick off my pawns one by one with ease, therefore securing your advantage with an iron hoof to finish me off.”

Twilight paused, her magic ceasing to glow. There was a short but noticeable silence that stretched between the two. The spectators, hearing the showdown turning vocal, gathered closer around Twilight.

“A brilliant strategy. I will commemorate you on that.” Twilight complimented. Her opponent almost nodded in concurrence. Almost.

“But, you forgot one important thing.”

A twitch of the eyebrow raised, and the grey unicorn gazed at the princess in her violet eyes.

“And what is that?” He finally speaks, genuinely curious.

“Well,” she smiles broadly.

Before proceeding to slam her forehooves on the table, knocking several pieces onto their sides with a climactic ‘thud.’

“You can play with the other pieces behind the pawns too!” She bellows in a rare usage of her Royal Canterlot Voice to perfectly accentuate her point.

The grey unicorn’s seemingly hypnotic trance was broken with those simple words.

“... What.”

“THIS ONE!” She shouts, holding a rook in her lilac glow. “I call him ‘castley’, and he moves like this! Hi-Yah!”

With no remorse, the rook proceeds to speed across the board, violently knocking off more black pieces while doing so.

“Uh-”

“And this one!” She then holds a Bishop. “Well, he moves a lot like Castley here, except he goes diagonally. I call him ‘pointy hat.’”

Again, more black pieces were practically thrown off the board as Twilight demonstrated her pieces.

“And this one, ha-HA!” She holds a knight.

“This one… uh… actually, I don’t know what this one is or what it does, I-I never use it.”

She finishes by tossing the piece over her head, landing somewhere behind her with a ‘clink!’

“But this one!” She excitedly perks up, holding the Queen. “This one is the Queen.”

Oh so she knows that piece, but none of the others? The grey unicorn griped to himself.

“Now the Queen can go wherever she wants. This way, and this way. Far out of reach from your preposterous line of pawns!”

Several more pieces were subsequently thrown off the board. At this point, this was getting ridiculous. And yet, nopony could do anything but watch.

“Thus with these pieces in my possession, they shall gain me the advantage, winning me the game. And thus, beating you!

“So YES! I do believe, that this is the part where I say…

With one final slam of her forehooves, more pieces scattered all over the board and table, some rolling onto the floor. Her manic demeanor disappeared with a thin, innocent-looking smile.

“... Checkmate.”

Leaning back in her seat, Twilight read her opponent's expression. He looked as if he had been shot in the heart with an arrow, comatose.

“So. What’s it going to be? Do you resign? Or do you wish to continue the battle that you know you will lose?”

His eye twitched.

“What. The. Buck. Just. Happened?”

Upon unraveling her opponent’s master plan of attack right in front of his eyes, Twilight would go on to win the Canterlot October Open in one fell swoop.

Her opponent, disgraced from the defeat, had never played a game of chess again after her encounter with Twilight Sparkle.

And to this day, nopony knows what the Knight piece is or what it does.

Indeed, perhaps its intentions will never be known.