Spike and Twilight Make Pony Top Trumps

by Acologic

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 1093

A game of Top Trumps against Twilight irritates Spike, so he ranks the ponies of Ponyville.

A game of Top Trumps against Twilight irritates Spike, so he ranks the ponies of Ponyville.

Published 2022-08-19 22:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-08-19 22:40:00 UTC

Spike and Twilight Make Pony Top Trumps

‘Highest Price – 180m.’ Twilight showed her hand: it was Reinsbrandt. Spike groaned.

‘Aw, you took Canterletto!’

‘Hand him over, Spike.’

He was down to his last three. He scanned his hand. J. M. W. Halter, Hieronymus Trot and Pieter Bridle. Whoever had allocated these ratings thought little of the latter pair. Between them Spike’s best hope was Innovation.

Twilight grinned. ‘Feeling cornered, Spike? Would you like to give up?’

Spike shook his head. ‘No way! Come on, then. Let’s hear it. Da Filly?’

‘Critical Reception – 99!’

Spike sighed again and tossed Bridle. ‘I knew it,’ he grunted.

‘I know you have Halter, Spike. I won’t use Innovation.’

Halter’s Innovation was 89. Spike clenched his jaw.

‘Hmm.’ Twilight watched him; he cracked his neck. ‘Versatility – 86.’

Spike threw away Trot and hoped that Twilight drew Le Brush.

‘Hah! Highest Price – 250m!’

‘You know the cards too well,’ grumbled Spike once he had surrendered Halter. ‘It isn’t fun any more. You know all the ratings.’

‘Yes,’ admitted Twilight. ‘I’ll order new ones. Which would you like?’

‘Superheroes! Oh, and sports! Hoofball players. Wrestlers. Racers too! And how about –?’

‘Spike!’ Twilight laughed. ‘I meant one.’

Spike snorted. ‘Twilight Sparkle: Miserliness – 90.’

‘Spike!’

Spike laughed and slapped his leg. ‘How about we make our own? Yeah! And you know how they have descriptions? “Hobbies include fining overdue loans and writing letters!”’ He giggled.

‘Spike, that’s not very –’

‘“Her mental skills fail to mask glaring social deficiency. Its eradication is Twilight’s secret purpose in Ponyville.”’

Twilight rolled her eyes. ‘Ha, ha. Very funny, Spike. Don’t be so rude in front of other ponies. Here you can get away with it, but –’

‘Other ponies? Great idea! How about – Applejack? Hmm.’ He snapped his fingers. ‘A useful pony. Usefulness – no, Utility! Utility – 890!’

‘Spike –’

‘Fluttershy: Utility – 230. Ooh, and the “Danger” Factor – 1!’

‘Don’t be mean.’

‘Hey, I’ve got it!’ Spike grinned. ‘We count to three and name a pony we know. Then we give them accurate ratings for each attribute.’

Twilight frowned. Though Spike’s tone she found unkind, she thought the idea sounded rather fun. ‘OK, Spike – accurate ratings. So, if I say Fluttershy, and I choose Utility, I’d say 700. At least!’

‘700?’ Spike shook his head. ‘Overrated – but that’s the game! Conflicting estimations!’ He grinned. ‘I’ll start. We can name any attribute. Attractiveness, out of 99. One, two, three – Rarity!’

‘Princess Celestia!’ exclaimed Twilight.

‘99,’ said Spike, still grinning. Twilight rolled her eyes again.

‘It already doesn’t work, Spike. You can’t have the advantage of choosing both the pony and the attribute.’

‘What would you give Princess Celestia?’

Twilight paused. ‘85,’ she said. Spike shrugged.

‘OK, how about this? One of us chooses two ponies, one for each player. The other chooses the attribute and its scale.’

‘Yes,’ said Twilight, ‘and we take turns. Each victory is worth a point.’

‘Great!’ Spike rubbed his claws together. ‘I’ll choose the ponies first. The first one’s mine; the second is yours.’

‘OK. Ready? One, two, three! Conscientiousness, out of 50!’

‘Rarity and Princess Celestia,’ said Spike.

Twilight smiled. ‘OK, then – 50!’

Spike grimaced. ‘47. I’ll give you this one.’

‘One nil,’ said Twilight. ‘Ready?’ Spike nodded. ‘One, two, three – Applejack and Rainbow Dash!’

Spike cackled. ‘Arrogance, out of 10,000!’

‘Out of –? Spike, that’s just silly.’

‘You heard!’ He deliberated. ‘Honestly, it has to be Rainbow Dash – but Applejack’s a proud pony. I’d say – 8,459. Yep.’

‘And fifty-nine?’ repeated Twilight. ‘Do you need to be so specific?’

‘Just take it already,’ said Spike.

‘Rainbow Dash – hmm. 6,000?’

‘Eh?’ Spike scratched his head. ‘You think Rainbow Dash is less arrogant than Applejack?’

‘No, I don’t, but you scored Applejack way too highly.’

Spike grinned. ‘I’ll take it! Ready? One, two, three – Princess Luna and Mrs Cake!’

‘Darkness,’ said Twilight. ‘Out of 150.’

‘Oh, that’s easy! 120!’

‘Spike!’ gasped Twilight. ‘You’re talking about Princess Luna!’

‘Who, until a few days ago, was Nightmare Moon? Uh, yeah! That’s why I knocked off 30.’

‘Well – Mrs Cake – 0,’ said Twilight.

‘Come on! Give at least 20!’

‘You’d win either way,’ said Twilight. ‘One, two, three – Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy!’

‘Delusion!’ Spike laughed at Twilight’s expression. ‘Out of 25!’

‘Spike, that’s cruel.’

‘You know the rules!’

‘“Delusion”. What does that even mean?’

‘You know what it means. Come on, Twilight. Let’s play!’ He frowned. ‘Well, Pinkie’s wacky enough. But is she deluded? Hmm. She thinks she’s funny –’

‘Spike –’

‘She does. Is she funny? Sometimes, I guess. More annoying than funny, really. Most ponies would say that. And Fluttershy – well, she’s just kind of sad.’

‘Spike, what is this? You stand there and insult my friends, and you think I’m OK with that?’

‘Come on, Twilight; it’s only a game!’

‘Oh, so how would you like it if I said “Spike: Stupidity – 600?”’

‘Well, depending on the scale –’

‘You know you wouldn’t like it.’

‘But it’s just a game!’

‘Yes, and you’re taking it too far!’

‘How?’ asked Spike.

‘Because backbiting can be hurtful.’

‘But they won’t ever hear about it, so why should anypony care?’

‘You don’t know that, Spike. What if somepony told –?’

‘Are you going to tell Fluttershy?’

‘Of course not, but the point is –’

‘So, what’s the problem?’

‘Spike, I don’t want to hear you insulting my friends – or anypony, for that matter. Joke or not, it isn’t pleasant.’

Spike watched her. ‘OK,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry.’

Twilight smiled at him. ‘Thank you.’

‘One more round? Winner takes all!’

Twilight nodded. ‘OK. Ready? One, two, three – Integrity, out of 10.’

‘Twilight Sparkle and Spike,’ said Spike, grinning.

‘Well?’ Twilight prompted him. ‘How would you rate Twilight Sparkle’s integrity?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Spike, his eyes on hers. ‘How would Twilight Sparkle rate Spike’s?’ She grinned back at him.

‘I’m not sure either,’ she said. They watched each other. Then Twilight held out her hooves, and Spike ran into her embrace.

‘A tie?’ said Twilight. Spike looked up at her and nodded.

‘A tie.’

‘Now, how about we put our integrity to the test? I’m sure Applejack could use some help in the orchard.’

Spike’s smile faltered. ‘What? In the orchard?’

‘She mentioned a lot of work. Golden Delicious harvesting, Spike! Shall we?’

Spike groaned. Twilight waited. He sighed. ‘Fine.’

Grinning at each other, they made for the door.