Elementary School, my dear Rarity
The scratch of chalk on blackboard echoed around the classroom. “Suspicion. Noun. A feeling or thought that something is possible, likely, or true.” Twilight took a step back and turned to face the classroom. The nub of chalk levitated in a purple aura. “It also has a second meaning.” She narrowed her eyes. “Cautious distrust. As in, feeling concerned that someone you know, someone you consider a good friend… could be responsible for something truly heinous.”
Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Big Mac each shared a look from the front row of desks. They shifted uncomfortably in their undersized seats. “We know what suspicion means,” Rarity said.
“That may be so,” Twilight said, nodding to herself, rubbing at the dark circles beneath her eyes. “But do you also know the meaning… of murder!”
Big Mac gasped and nearly toppled out of his seat. Rarity and Rainbow Dash just sighed. “Nobody was–“
“Murder!” Twilight declared again, louder, slamming her hooves down on Cheerilee’s desk to glower at the trio. The chalk jabbed out at each of them in turn. “Murder, I say! Murder! Murder most foul!”
“Twilight, you sound crazy. Did you get, like, any sleep last night?” Rainbow asked as she continued to try and fail to find a comfortable position. Eventually she settled for something less likely to give her a cramp and gave Twilight a flat stare.
“Yes,” Twilight declared, pushing back some of her frazzled hair.
“Pfft. Liar.”
“Be quiet! The only liar here is one of you – you murderer!” Twilight paused, then stomped her hoof again for emphasis.
“Nobody here is a murderer,” Rarity replied. “This is absurd.”
“That’s exactly what a murderer would say.”
Rainbow looked at Rarity. “Okay, I missed a couple steps here. Why is she screaming bloody–“
“Murderer!”
“Yeah, that.”
Rarity rolled her eyes. “Because she–“
“Because I found the victims!” Twilight declared, earning another gasp from Big Mac.
“Because a couple of books from the library were damaged-“
“Murdered!”
“They’re books they can’t be murdered!” Rarity shouted back, tugging one of her arms free from the desk to point back at Twilight. After a moment she coughed and turned back to Rainbow. “Since then, she’s been leading a one mare crusade to find the culprit.”
“It’s not just a couple of books, Rarity. It was a whole pile of them! I discovered dozens of victims, all showing lethal levels of exposure. Most were so bad they couldn’t even be identified.” Twilight levitated over a cup of coffee and took a sip. “It’s taken a week of hard work. A week of working the evidence, leaning on suspects, and I’ve finally narrowed down the culprits to you three. It could be one of you. It could be all of you.” She narrowed her eyes, taking a long, messy slurp of coffee. “And I will find the truth, in this life or the next.”
“And why is she talking like…” Rainbow gestured at Twilight, “that?”
Rarity just tilted her head toward the corner of the room. A trash can could be glimpsed beneath a pile of spent coffee cups.
Twilight glared at them and took another defiant sip. “It helps me think.” Slurp. “And keeps me focused. On justice.”
There was the sound of creaking wood as Big Mac tried to lower himself down further into his seat, the desk straining to contain his bulk.
“And why are you doing your thinking here and not at the library?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Twilight scoffed. “I am not going to contaminate a crime scene while I bring the perpetrators to justice. For murder! Book murder! Burder!”
Slurp.
Rarity looked around the room. The posters on the wall listing the basics of the alphabet and giving pastel words of encouragement were hidden behind a mess of photographs, scraps of coffee-stained paper, and enough red string to make a large (and incredibly tacky) dress. A kitten hanging off a branch urging the reader to ‘Hang In There!’ was defaced with the words ‘Bribery? Extortion? Revenge?’ in messy black ink. She frowned when she noticed a few unflattering pictures of herself among the mess.
“So you just thought you would contaminate the school room instead.”
“School is out for the summer and Cherilee is visiting relatives in Manehattan,” Twilight said defensively, taking another sip.
“Meaning she wouldn’t yell at you for ruining her classroom.”
“That may have played into my equations, yes.” Slurp.
Rarity nodded. “Right. So, just to restate everything, you think one of us ruined-“
“Murdered!”
“Alright, yes, murdered your books. So you’ve gathered the three of us here so you could reveal which of us is the guilty party in a suitably dramatic fashion. Dark shadows, conspiracy board, the whole thing. You’re channeling Shadow Spade, and I can appreciate that. Truly, darling, I get it. But what made you think any one of us would be guilty in the first place?”
“Exactly!” Rainbow said. “I didn’t murder any of your books. Like, pfft, what, do you think I’m some kind of egghead? I’m not like, going to go around checking out books to learn how to do stuff.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. “That would be lame.”
“And I would never damage a book,” Rarity added. “I am not some low-class simpleton. It’s simply uncouth.”
Big Mac whimpered and blushed.
“You’re right. You three have strong alibis. No real motive. A clean rap sheet.”
Rarity nodded. “Yes. Exactly. Which means-“
Twilight’s eyes narrowed. Slurp. “Too clean.”
“Oh for crying out loud,” Rarity said under her breath. “Big Mac, can you talk some sense into her?”
“Eeynope!”
“Also, you were the last three ponies to check out books from the library.” Twilight levitated a scroll out in front of her. She coughed. “But Spike spilled some coffee on the paperwork.” Unfurling it revealed a mess of brown and black, with only their names legible on the parchment.
“Is that what you meant by contaminating the crime scene?” Rarity asked.
“Look, I’m the one asking questions here,” Twilight replied, dropping the soggy scroll onto the desk. “I know one of you was the last pony to touch these books before they were murdered. So question one: which of you did it, huh?” Twilight’s horn burst into a ray of light she shined into each of their faces, moving down the line in turn. “Confess! Confess! Confess or I’ll…”
Rarity squinted. “You’ll do what, darling?”
“I’ll continue asking even more firmly. I’m empowered by the Princess to do so!”
“First off, no you’re not. Second, just… turn off that light. It’s giving me a headache.”
“Oh, sorry.” There was a click and the light vanished. “Better?”
“Yes. By a mile.”
“Good.” Twilight tossed her coffee cup toward the pile of discarded cardboard. It missed. “Now confess!” she shouted.
Rainbow Dash banged a hoof against the desk. “Okay, I bet I can prove I didn’t do it. Beyond a feasible doubt!”
“Reasonable,” Rarity whispered.
“Reasonable doubt!” Rainbow banged the desk again.
Twilight had resumed her pacing in front of the blackboard. “Alright, I’m listening.”
“What were the books that were dama- I mean, murdered? Like, what were their titles?”
Twilight paused long enough to levitate a clipboard in front of her. “Apple Farming In The Age Of Electricity, by Growing Shock. How To Pick Up Mares, by Creeping Daily. Strength And Competition: What Mares Really Like In A Partner, by Buff Himbo. And… six issues of Country Life magazine. And those were the only ones that could be identified. The others were mutilated beyond recognition. They’d been there a long time.”
Rarity snorted. “Right. Well, this has been a delight, but since you have your guilty party,” she said, casting a sidelong glance at Big Mac, the stallion doing his best to melt into the floor, “then I think it's about time that Rainbow Dash and I left. We wouldn’t want to intrude on what I imagine is going to be a totally normal and not very awkward conversation. Best of luck. Are you coming, Dash?”
“Uh…”
Rarity turned to look at the blushing Rainbow Dash, who was also sinking deep into her seat. “Oh. Oh no, sweetie,” Rarity said, her face softening. “Darling, you need to stop punishing yourself like this. What you two have, it’s not romantic. And you’re not made for a life on the farm. It’s not meant to be.”
“The heart wants what it can’t have,” Rainbow muttered back, inhaling sharply, and refusing to meet anypony’s eyes.
Twilight frowned. “Wait. Are you admitting to the murders?”
“No! I put those books back in the return box when I was done with them! I didn’t hurt anything!” Rainbow winced, her voice dropping to a whisper. “Except… my heart.”
Rarity let out a soft comforting hush and gave Rainbow’s shoulder a squeeze.
“Book return box? The library doesn’t have a book return box.”
The two mares turned to look at Twilight. “What? Yes you do. It’s the wooden thing right outside the front door of the library. It has a big slot in it.”
“Do you mean the trash can?”
“Eeynope,” said Big Mac, sitting back up in his chair – or doing his best, as it looked like one of his legs was caught up beneath it. He gave Rarity a steely nod.
Rarity leaned forward. “Twilight. I know you’ve only been in Ponyville a short while, but did the previous librarian leave you any, say, instructions, for when you arrived?”
“No. No, she didn’t leave… didn’t leave me anything,” Twilight said, the color draining from her face.
“So in all of that time, you’ve never gone to check the box in front of the library?” Rarity pressed.
Twilight licked her lips, trying to work some moisture into them. “Once.”
The ponies stared at one another. Reaching out a shaking hoof, Twilight pulled a chair closer as she sank into it. “No. Oh Celestia, no.”
Rarity stood up with as much grace as she could muster. Wiping her eyes, Rainbow Dash followed suit, followed a few moments later by a bruised and aching Big Mac.
“I thought… I thought you had to come in to return the b-books,” Twilight muttered, holding out her hooves in front of her as she stared at them with watery eyes. “Does… does this mean…”
“I’m afraid it does, darling. You broke the case. You found your murderer.” She leaned in to whisper in Twilight’s ear. “Was it worth it?” Turning on her hooves, Rarity strode out of the classroom, flanked on either side by her compatriots. The doors swung shut behind them, cutting off a howl of regret and shame they would never forget.
“Is Twilight gonna be okay?” Rainbow Dash asked. She glanced back over her shoulder. “Shouldn’t we like, stick around?”
“She’ll be fine,” Rarity said with a wave of her hoof. “She just needs some time alone to get it out of her system. She worked herself up into a bad place and, well, she isn’t going to benefit from having us gawking at her as she deals with the ramifications of all this nonsense.”
Big Mac nodded. “Eeyup.”
“Plus, she has been running on nothing but obsession and caffeine for a week now, and I don’t want to be anywhere near that crazy bitch when she crashes.”
