Testing the Waters
Dear Princess Celestia,
This letter will be different from some of my others. Okay, it’ll most likely be different from all my others. (As I write this, I am overcome with a sense of déjà vu. Surely I haven’t written that before, have I? I feel as if I’ve started untold letters that way).
Now, you know that I’ve written you before on the subject of romance—when Fluttershy and Big Macintosh started dating. When I wrote that letter (it was a rather long one as well, for I felt the need to be thorough) it was from the perspective of her friend. When I wrote that letter to you those months ago, I wrote about how I and my friends all reacted but wrote rather little of Fluttershy herself. I just didn’t know what to write about her. I had never been in love in any fashion and, well, prying that sort of information out of somepony like Fluttershy was rather difficult, and I decided it was also rather invasive, and I doubt that any of the data would have been useful or accurate anyway--Fluttershy would be all flustered and misinterpret and/or I would not have the proper background to know what leads to pursue… but I’m sure I don’t need to go into all that! You’ve thought of it all, and I’m sure it occurred to you when you received that letter so long ago.
So, not as much first hoof experience. Except…
Princess, this is a very strange letter for me to write! I’m unsure where to begin. Chronologically at the beginning seems best, for obvious reasons, but I wish I could avoid it. I was just so naïve then. No, perhaps not naïve. It was more that I was blind and had no idea what I was dealing with. I just plain didn’t understand—the situation or myself. It’s so humbling to learn that you don’t understand yourself.
Of course, I’d studied romantic attraction before. I thought myself well-versed in the theoretical side of the issue. I’ve read rather extensively in the Romance genre— almost all of it research, of course! I thought I’d gotten it all down, really. In my foolishness I had even begun a paper on it, as I know you remember. Oh, Princess, I’m blushing remembering my research proposal to you. Once again, I have to thank you for shooting my ideas down with gentle words. And here I thought I got it.
Oh, Princess. “Hope not for mind in mares”! I hate to admit it to the old scribbler but I am rather scatterbrained right now. Speaking of him… I’ve been reading a lot of that particular writer lately. I think it’s the subject that he so loved and that I am now skirting around the edges of so very awkwardly and garrously. I feel finally that I begin to understand him… and he would’ve perhaps looked at how I puzzle over this letter and be reminded of his own words:
“For Celestia’s sake hold your tongue, and let me love.”
So I suppose I’ll tell it all, tell it full. Even how embarrassingly stupid I was. Honesty is always fair to those who know its worth.
***
It had been a strange day before the epiphany on the stairwell. Spike had been absent, having tagged along with the Crusaders on a camping trip which was blessedly nowhere near the Everfree. It wasn’t just that she missed having an assistant during the day. she also missed the companionship.
She also missed the well-cooked breakfast, but that was another matter entirely.
Luckily, Rainbow Dash had begun spending time at the library, lounging about with Daring Do novels in hoof, and loyal Rainbow had been willing to help. Of course, Twilight had had to convince her, but in the end she knew that Rainbow would help. The pegasus liked to feel as if you needed her, and Twilight did indeed need her help. Everypony won.
Then there was the moment. That strange moment when the universe somehow altered. When it rolled up into a ball and someone began to push it towards some definite point. That moment when she stopped in the dead center of the stairs and simply gaped at Rainbow down below, who’d just finished something.
The cyan mare was stretching, her wings out and resplendent, her athletic, toned body frozen like the more… interesting works in the Canterlot Gardens. For a brief moment, Twilight saw not her friend but one of those old pegasi statues, the ones from the old Cloudsdale temples dedicated to the old Feritility Gods.
She felt a strange warmth spread over her body, and became acutely aware of just how beautiful Rainbow was. She’d always known that her friend was strong, but out of nowhere the sledgehammer feeling of wanting to be enveloped in those strong hooves came over her. In her most private of places she could feel the beginnings of stirrings, and her mouth felt dry and all of a sudden she had the most bizarre thoughts racing through her head, the kind of thoughts she’d never had before about someone she actually knew, thoughts about what could be done with hoof and ton—
Twilight shook her head. The princess didn’t need to peek into her sexual fantasies. “Just… enough to get the point across. That I was head over hooves in juvenile lust.”
She chuckled, thinking how spellbound she’d been. Yes, she still thought the same things to this day, mostly. Rainbow was strong and she liked that a lot. Her wings were rather beautiful. To be honest, she actually did bear some resemblance to the statues in Cloudsdale and she had actually known exactly what statues Twilight meant, despite the fact that the rather suggestive sculptures had been moved. Now that had been an interesting conversation, for sure.
The most embarrassing thing was that in hindsight, she knew that it was all rather in character. She knew herself enough to know how focused she could be. Lust and reading both require study. It was only natural that her proclivity for one should transfer. In the end, from this end, it seemed quite logical.
She continued to remember:
“Twilight?”
Nothing. No words in response to her query. Dash waved another hoof in front of her face.
“Twilight? Earth to Twilight?!”
“Yes beau—Rainbow Dash. Yes what do you need?” she sputtered, yanked out of her weird trance.
“Well, you were kind of just staring at me…” Rainbow began, her head cocked to one side in confusion. “Is there something on my face? Something in my mane?” She brushed at her rainbow-hued mane as if to make sure.
“No, no, I just sort of… zoned out there for a moment. Sorry.”
“Oh… well,” Rainbow began hesitantly. Twilight quickly moved on.
“It’s fine, honest. I just got distracted! I was up quite late last night finishing up that paper for the Princess, and I had a kind of slow start this morning, you know how it goes. Now, where were we?”
She knew Rainbow Dash would drop it. Bless her, but Rainbow of all her friends knew when the going was good. Twilight, for not the first time, was rather glad about this. As the other mare turned away for a moment, reporting what she’d done while Twilight was upstairs, the unicorn could feel the flush of humiliation. How Rainbow didn’t notice was in fact beyond her.
So the day continued. By that point, most of the inventory and reshelving that needed to be done had been done, and all that was left was a last cursory examination of the library and a few sundry tasks.
But Twilight couldn’t focus. She couldn’t help but sneak glances at Rainbow. She couldn’t help but think about Rainbow. It was all rather uncomfortable, to be honest, and she felt torn. On one hoof, while she’d had her share of crushes as a filly, she’d never felt this sort of intense attraction. On the other hoof, Rainbow was her friend and it was kind of weird suddenly seeing your friend, not as a helpful athletic pegasus, but as a sexy and unintentionally alluring specimen.
So she stalled. She vacillated. She tried to make sure that Rainbow kept moving. Part of her did this to make sure Rainbow stayed, and the other part convinced itself that keeping Rainbow busy made it harder to fantasize about her. The sensible, non-fantasizing part, was rather outraged by all this, naturally.
She tried to ask Rainbow if a late lunch would be alright, but her friend refused. No, there were other appointments and a brief bit of work to look after. With some goodbyes, she was off.
***
Princess, I know that sometimes I overreact, but you have to understand that I’ve never really paid attention to this sort of thing. My crushes as a filly were incredibly minor affairs. You remember how isolated I was until you sent me to Ponyville (for which I am ever grateful)!
I think that what really bothered me was that it was Rainbow Dash. With any other pony I could have done what I usually do: approach the problem with logic and clear thinking. The only pony that compares to Pinkie in the immunity-to-sense department is Rainbow Dash. She is a creature, primarily, of instinct and feeling. It’s part of what I love about her, but it also tore me from my element. I just never saw myself with someone like her. I’d certainly never had such… thoughts, about anyone like her.
Well, I was lucky, I think. As there was a distinct lack of appealing food in the kitchen, I headed to the café down the street on my lonesome and fell in with Rarity.
Rarity, paradoxically, is the best friend to divulge one’s secrets to. Yes, Rarity does have a weakness for gossip, but it’s balanced out by a surprising recalcitrance on her part to out a friend. She’s not breathed a word of any secrets from our friends to anypony outside of our circle...that I know of.
So of course, I told her everything about Rainbow Dash and myself. Princess, I must say that Rarity is a bundle of contradictions. She is the one who delights the most in the scandalous (from afar) but at the same time holds so tight to her sense of propriety. She was rather appalled at how thoroughly I described my own feelings and sensations, though I did so in the most scientific of manners. I… may have begun at this point to wonder about what I was going to do about all this. At first, I decided to do nothing. Rarity, and I love her for it now, would have none of this. In her eyes I suppose I looked like one of those pining, frustrated heroines from her novels (The novels that she takes great care to make sure no one sees, though they’re not quite as scandalous as she thinks. Just romance novels… but perhaps it’s the idea of a thing being embarrassing that makes it fun).
***
“So… you’re just going to feel all of this and then do nothing?”
“Of course,” Twilight replied, as if that were obvious. What else would she be able to do? Possibilities eluded her. It wasn’t like she was in love with Rainbow—she knew enough about life to know that physical attraction and emotional connection don’t go hoof and hoof. She said as much to Rarity.
“Why, of course, dear… but honestly, you don’t think it might be wise to at least test the water? Sometimes the body tells us what the mind and heart are slow to realize.”
“Life isn’t like one of your romance novels, Rarity. I’ve never really been one for romance. Yes, I had a few crushes as a filly. They were all minor things, the kind that fade after a week or two. Furthermore, Rainbow wouldn’t be interested in me either way. I’m…”
Here she stumbled. Lots of words came to mind, but wouldn’t pass her lips. Awkward. Bookish. Lame. Wasn’t that what she said all the time? Yes, Rainbow was usually kidding, but jokes were little windows into a pony’s mind, she’d always known that as well. Rainbow was her friend, and she knew Rainbow cared about her, but that didn’t stop her from really thinking Twilight was a little lame. Perhaps in a loveable way.
She winced at that last thought. Some part of her began to feel wounded. Twilight found this strange: why would the thought of rejection from someone she wasn’t really interested in hurt her?
Before her logic could doom her aloofness, Rarity spoke again.
“Darling, I’m just saying perhaps you should try and approach Rainbow. Frame it as a friendly date, if you want to. But let yourself try it.”
***
Of course, Princess, I didn’t do that right away. I had to plan, I had to consider. It was all rather daunting, and it made me feel nervous.
It took days, it really did. I read a romance novel, amateur works (nothing has ever made me wish more for censorship than some of those), I asked Rarity some more questions. It took a while to get my nerve up.
I was just so nervous, Princess. The more I thought about it, about “being” with Rainbow in any sense, I guess the more I accepted it and realized that I really did want that. I admired (and still admire) her innate bravery, her ability to be brash and determined in the face of most any adversity. Yes, Rainbow sometimes gets into messes because she hasn’t thought about the consequences of her actions, but even that is endearing sometimes. Rainbow Dash helps you. She may tease you for being an egghead while she does it (and she will. It is almost the price of her aid), but she won’t ever leave you hanging. I love that. I honor it.
So there I was, with this list of things I loved about Rainbow. On the other side, opposed, I had nothing about myself that I thought she loved. I knew she was grateful about things, she appreciated things. I knew even then that she really did appreciate my intelligence (because in the end, when she needed bailing out or a quick plan, she always came to me) but otherwise… I had nothing.
I wanted this relationship now. We were friends, and I cherished that friendship, but I wanted something more. If I didn’t take this one little stupid step, I wouldn’t have a shot. No, a date or even being in a relationship wasn’t going to ensure that Rainbow Dash was by my side forever and ever, but it was a place to start. It was time to test the waters, and to think hard about the degrees of affection.
I was so foolishly, baselessly afraid to just suggest a friendly date. How silly is that? I just couldn’t.
But eventually, I did it.
***
“Rainbow!” It had been fortunate, finding her. Twilight had searched high and low, cursing her ill luck. The cyan pegasus would run off the one day Twilight wanted to ask her something important.
“Hm? Oh, hey Twi!” Rainbow, hovering in midair until now, landed in front of her. “How’s it hangin’?”
“It’s… fine.” There were her nerves, back again now that the issue had come to a point of decision. “I… was wondering if…”
She was having trouble. She had rehearsed exactly what to say, figured out how to say it. She’d been so meticulous, wanting to “test the waters” as Rarity had advised her without putting herself out there and getting any hopes up. Thinking about this had brought home a lot of what Rarity had said.
“What? Spit it out Twi, I don’t have all day, y’know.” Rainbow Dash smirked.
“I know, sorry.” Her voice was soft and absurdly she was reminded of how she’d first met Fluttershy. She sighed and the words finally arranged themselves into an order. “Rainbow, I was wondering if perhaps you might want to have dinner with me, tonight. There’s a new restaurant on Third Street, and it’s… been a long time since—“
“Are you asking me on a date?” Dash couldn’t help herself. She grinned.
It was literally the worst possible thing that she could have said. Twilight suddenly felt incredibly small and rather silly, and decided that beating a quick tactical retreat was her only option. “Er… no. I mean, I just… actually, I think I promised Spike I’d help him do something so never mind that I suppose and I should probably hurry off. Right now. Quickly. Bye!”
With that, Twilight edged away, ready to scamper off in supreme embarrassment until Rainbow stopped her with a hoof. The cyan mare reined in her wide grin.
“I’m sorry Twilight. I wasn’t trying to be mean. Look, let’s start over.” She put on a winning smile.
Twilight, still feeling like retreating, stayed still. “Um… would you like to go to dinner at that new place with me?” She looked down at her hooves, unsure. This was not how her plans had been laid. This was all quite spontaneous and it made her quite nervous, but she knew this was good, somehow. It was hard to explain, even to herself.
“Sure,” Rainbow Dash said with that same smile. It warmed Twilight’s heart and she felt a little more relaxed. “I need to run an errand first, but… I’ll see you at your house in two hours?”
Twilight tried for a joke. “Should I make sure the doors to the balcony are open so you don’t hurt yourself, then?”
“Sure, why not? I’ll see you then, Twi!” Those wings that so impressed her came unfurled and then she was gone, up into the sky.
***
The date was fine. Rainbow had a few rare moments of sensitivity (she does have them, even I, blinded by the first blush of romantic love, was shocked), and I felt comfortable. We laughed, we talked. The place we went specialized in Bucephalan food. Dash had never had any of their cuisine before, and I recall telling her about my stay there when I was younger.
It was a wonderful night, Princess. Even now, I still remember it as one of our better ones! As much as it was the cool night air and the stars and the food and the talk of this and that, it was her. Perhaps, as well, it was that flush of romance, first love and all that. I like to think it’s both of those things, the tangible and intangible.
Rainbow walked me home, and I invited her in (oh but I must have blushed something fierce) for some tea. Dash has never been a tea person, and I think I’m the only pony in Ponyville who consumes as much caffeine as I do, but she accepted the invitation anyhow.
We talked… we did a lot of that. I honestly don’t remember anything we talked about. Is that bad? I don’t really think so. I’m rather sure most of it wasn’t really significant until right near the end.
Twilight had wondered if Rainbow would finally ask the question that hung in the air between them. That expectation had lodged itself in her mind and stayed there, prodding at her. Was it even realistic to think that it was possible Rainbow would just come out and ask? She had no idea. This was rather different in person. The art and the literature had perhaps gotten the sense right, but not the details.
***
As they were heading out, Rainbow paused in the doorway and turned to face Twilight.
“So Twilight… I was wondering…”
“Er, yes?”
Rainbow gave a lopsided grin, another thing that Twilight loved when she did. “Like… Twilight, how long have you been…” She was obviously struggling for the right word.
A thesaurus to the last, Twilight supplied one for her. “…Interested?”
That earned a chuckle. “Yeah, I think that’ll work. I mean, I’m sorry if I’m totally not reading you right here, but even I can kinda tell.” She leaned against the doorframe, waiting for answers.
Twilight felt a little bit of that earlier nervousness return. “I’m not really sure. I think I really realized it for what it was only a few days ago. I kind of had to work up some nerve to ask you.”
“I know, I know, my awesomeness intimidated you.” Another thing that Dash did with regularity, though this time a thing she didn’t like quite as much: facetious jokes. “Ah, I’m sorry, Twi. Why? I’m not scary or anything. We’re friends. You didn’t have to be worried about asking for a date. It’s just a date, silly.”
“I know!” Twilight said, a little defensively. She squelched that instinct and continued on a little more evenly. “I just couldn’t really see you accepting it if it were an actual date. I tried to couch it as a friendly invitation, but we both saw that it didn’t really go over right.”
Rainbow raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Why wouldn’t I? I mean, I might have been busy, but you say that like there are good reasons for me not to say yes.”
“Well, it’s just that we’re different. I’m a pony of books and magic and late night studying and, well, ‘egghead’ pursuits, as you so graciously put it. You’re the radical, amazing Rainbow Dash, remember?” The last was said with humor, and Twilight suddenly hoped that it didn’t come across as a little bitter.
Apparently it didn’t. “Ha, yeah, I am pretty awesome… Sorry, just kidding, Twi. Yeah, but you’re not quite as lame as you make out.”
“Oh?” Twilight couldn’t help but put a little challenge into that single syllable. Inside, she was torn between a flush of happy pride (Rainbow thinks I’m kind of cool!) and a tiny seed of shame (Rainbow is lying to make me feel better.)
“I think it’ll make sense if I say it this way, Twi: I’m an athlete. It’s in my blood… and to be honest, in a way it’s sort of a natural pegasus thing. How many pegasi have you met like Fluttershy, who don’t love to rise to the challenge?”
She couldn’t think of many. Well, any, really, but she hardly knew every pegasus ever.
Rainbow continued, “Anyway, I train hard! Even if it means I get hurt crash landing every… week or so… or whatever, I keep going. I mean, I’m devoted. I want to be better, to be the best, so badly. I live for that. It’s my passion. You spend a lot of time in here or upstairs, reading and writing about what you find. You’re kind of like Daring Do— finding secrets. I mean, you’re not quite as cool—“ Twilight rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling. “But you work hard and you’re willing to lose sleep to be the best you can be at magic and to know as much as you can. I can respect that. I can understand it, y’know?”
Twilight hadn’t really thought about that. She knew what she wanted to ask, but was unsure. As always. She said it anyway.
“So… are you interested? I mean...” She was already retreating, looking for a more secure avenue of assault for this question. “I mean, like, would you want to hang out a bit more or—“
Rainbow’s kiss on her cheek was perhaps one of the most shocking things Twilight had ever experienced. (Turning her parents into potted plants still reigned supreme in that regard, but this came close). One minute, she was looking downwards, eyes somewhere in the area of Rainbow’s hooves, and the next she felt the light kiss and that rough laugh, and she could almost feel the heat on her face.
“Shhh. Sometimes you talk waaay too fast and waaay too much. I’m definitely not not interested. We’ll see, won’t we? I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.”
And with that, she was gone, straight up into the night air. Twilight simply stared up at her retreating form in dumb astonishment. For perhaps the first time in a long time, her mind was almost totally blank in shock.
***
I guess… that’s really most of the story, Princess.
That was about two weeks ago. We’re dating, and life seems to have a new freshness to it. We spend lots of time together… though I haven’t neglected my friends.
You know how I am, Princess: when I’m cautious, I’m very cautious. Our relationship is really… casual, I guess you could say. Pinkie’s maddeningly hyper questions about our supposed sloppy makeouts aside, it’s not changed as much of my life yet as I thought it would. Dash was always my friend. Now, she’s the same with added benefit of a bit of cuddling.
I cannot believe I just wrote that in a letter. I would scratch it out and start this whole letter over again, but I may have done that a few times already at this point, and I may be very low on pens because of this missive… so it will have to stay for now.
I guess… I learned a little bit about Rainbow and about life, Princess. Rainbow is a lot better with ponies than I assumed she was (just because one has a weakness, after all, doesn’t mean one must always have that weakness) and I learned that sometimes it pays to go out on a limb. I took a risk (true, not a big risk. I overhyped it in my mind!) but it was still a risk. Rainbow could’ve said no outright, which would’ve hurt even if somepony as suave as Rarity had done it. But I asked anyway, and she didn’t.
I guess sometimes it pays to test the waters.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
