The Pink Ledger

Princess Twilight Sparkle raised her wings, the Sun, and Equestria’s hopes for a prosperous new day … and then promptly got lost on her way back to the throne room.

“Shoot, I thought both stairways mirrored each other …”

She stubbornly refused to teleport. It was only proper for a Princess to be able to find her own way in her own palace, if only for emergency purposes. And besides, if she wasn’t sure of her departure point she might arrive slightly off at the arrival point, and dropping five feet to the floor wouldn’t be proper at ALL.

She trotted through the polished marble and alabaster corridors flanked by statues and paintings of herself and the Royal Pony Sisters, and succeeded in making herself even more lost.

She let out a flustered whicker. “I was at the top and I want to get to the ground floor,” she grumbled. “Why is this so hard? Should I find somepony and ask?” Her voice faintly echoed in the completely unoccupied hallway. “Hmph. I guess not.”

She turned around to retrace her steps only to pause partway, face to face with a towering set of unfamiliar wooden double doors carved with a massive heart shape at the top across their span, and two long chains of interlinked smaller hearts trailing down from it on either side.

“Huh. Is this a guest room for Cadance, or something?” She lit up her horn and got a feel for the doors with magic. They didn’t seem locked. She shoved them wide, ready for anything … and found nothing.

Just another high-ceilinged grand hall, this time decorated with columns and archways suggesting dozens of doors. The only other features in the elegant stone space were a simple flowing fountain at the far back wall and, closer by, a nondescript stone lectern displaying a weathered, slightly dogeared book with a scuffed and shabby soft-cover dyed garish, vibrant pink.

Twilight beelined for the book without a second thought.

“That looks like a ledger from the Office of the Treasury,” she said to herself as she levitated it over for a closer look. “But this isn’t part of the color-coding system. Purple for unicorn communities, blue for pegasi, brown for earth ponies, gray for international commerce. What are YOU?” She stopped turning and examining the book, took a slow, steadying breath, and then opened it.

No secret villain scheme, no shocking secret, no new spell of friendship. Not even any numbers. Just a list of dozens and dozens of names, with a series of tick-marks beside them in orderly rows. The earliest names were crossed out, and more had been added again and again in different pencils and inks and at different times. Name after name, all checked off over and over. As she’d gotten settled in her royal role Twilight had pored over stacks of family trees and government registries and royal lineages, but none of these names looked familiar.

“Good morning, Highness. Will you be making the rounds today?”

Twilight yelped and flapped and stumbled to one side in a decidedly improper fashion. She got ahold of herself and looked down to focus on a petite unicorn mare with an off-white hide, a blonde mane, and a classic frilly maid uniform.

“Making the …?” Twilight frowned. “I’m sorry, but could you elaborate a little? Even a few years in, I’m still untangling Princess Celestia’s duties and dealings.”

“Of course, Highness.” The maid performed a quick, dainty curtsey. “I am Winsome Wink, the twenty-seventh Custodian of Diplomatic Congress. I am here to help ensure that the Pink Ledger remains balanced, and that your obligations are met to the highest standards of simplicity, satisfaction and sanitation. I am at your disposal.” She opted for a formal bow, dropping her forequarters especially low. Her black skirt flipped slightly, and flashed a glimpse of her cutie mark: a slice of fruit cobbler crowned with a massive dollop of whipped topping.

Twilight glanced from the bowing maid, to the still-floating pink ledger, and back again. “All right, but what IS the Pink Ledger? What’s all this about? You mentioned diplomacy? So this is about affairs of state?”

Wink nodded. “Exactly that, Highness. This wing of the castle is populated with delegates from every major political faction and international neighbor of Equestria, all of whom patiently await your presence to engage in congress, in accordance with a proud tradition dating back to the original establishment of the hazayir almahziaat more than six hundred-”

“Congress,” Twilight cut her off. “As in, coming together in a group?”

“Yes, Highness, if you are so inclined. It’s certainly quicker that way.”

The Princess leafed through the Pink Ledger’s many pages again, but they offered no further insights. “Maybe it’s better if I just make the rounds first, like you suggested. I suppose I should introduce myself and apologize for the delay. I wish I’d known I had a whole grand hall of diplomats waiting to meet me all this time! They must be pretty sore about it …”

Wink shook her head. “Oh no, they’re far too experienced to get sore so easily, Highness.”

“Ah, right. Okay. Well, let’s get going then, I suppose. It looks like there are a lot of chambers in here…” Twilight trotted toward the closest doorway. Her gold-shod hooves rang out on the uncarpeted marble floor. Facing a simple wooden door set back in a deep archway, Twilight performed the calming and focusing ritual Cadance had taught her ages ago, and then gave the door three firm knocks with a forehoof.

“Welcome, Princess!” a male voice called out from the other side. “If you are ready to enter, then so am I!”

While Twilight took hold of the door with magic, Wink scurried up to stand beside it, cleared her throat, and then loudly proclaimed: “HER ROYAL HIGHNESS, PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE OF EQUESTRIA!”

“You don’t have to do that every time, really,” Twilight remarked as she swung open the door. “I kind of prefer things less focused on decorum and PENIS!?” Her tall, sleek body bunched to a halt in the doorway as her eyes locked on the first diplomat’s state of readiness.

“Hi there,” the Manehattan delegate said with a tip of the fedora that was the only piece of clothing he wore. “Y’know, you’re even sexier up close.” The forest-green earth pony lounged on his back, propped up by the heart-shaped headboard on a Princess-sized bed that dominated the simple, studio-apartment-like quarters. And his proud, jade-dark skyscraper jutted up from his loins, unsheathed and girthy and-

“Big…” Twilight shook her head to clear it. “Ah, I mean, there’s been a BIG misunderstanding!” She snapped her head down and aside to meet Wink’s eyes, and lowered her voice while shrouding them both with a wing.. “Did I miss something here? What does he think he’s DOING with … that … uncovered?” A rich, burning blush darkened the Princess’s lavender cheeks.

Wink stared flatly for a beat, and then perked up, wide-eyed. “Oh. Oh…! Of course, my apologies, Highness! Please, allow me to rectify this oversight for you …” The maid trotted out from behind Twilight’s broad wing and approached the bed. Her horn ignited in luxurious purple, and then a glossy, snug coating of magic enveloped the offending member. Wink inhaled and unleashed another booming pronouncement: “HER ROYAL HIGHNESS INSISTS ON THE USE OF PROTECTION!”

“Fine by me,” the stallion said with a nod. “Better safe than sorry!” He flexed his abdomen, and the now glowing shaft gave an inviting forward-and-back sway.

Twilight’s bewildered frown threatened to drop right off the bottom of her flushed face. “That is not REMOTELY what I was asking about, Wink!”

“Ah, I’m so sorry, Highness!” The maid gave a curtsey, and then the prophylactic aura vanished. Wink threw her head back and bellowed: “CORRECTION! HER ROYAL HIGHNESS PREFERS TO RAW-DOG IT!”

“Ho-ho! You had me going for a second, you naughty Princess …” The stallion swung his shaft again, this time hard enough to give a drum or two against his rock-solid stomach.

“That isn’t…! I mean, I use an herbal tea to … but you …” Twilight finally found enough wits to spread her wings, stomp a hoof, and anxiously but sternly shout: “WH-WHY IS YOUR DICK OUT!?”

Both Wink and the stallion started at the outburst. The delegate’s proud hard-on lost a tiny measure of firmness.

“Uh … for the congress?” he offered cautiously. “That’s why you’re here, right, Princess? The Ledger?”

Twilight was silent and still for a long moment, and then she turned on her hooves, seized Wink with magic, and dragged her toward the door. She tossed a quick “please excuse us for a moment” over her shoulder on the way.

Back out in the grand hall, Twilight slid Wink into place facing her and took another cleansing breath. And then another. And a third for good measure.

“Winsome Wink … clearly I was wrong to interrupt you, earlier. Please FULLY explain what’s going on here.”

Wink curtseyed. Again. “Of course, Highness. As I said, the practice of Diplomatic Congress has a rich history dating back centuries. It all began with the gift of trained royal concubines from a Saddle Arabian Sultana. Eager to avoid offending a fellow leader, Princess Celestia accepted the gift, and made regular use of the concubines’ talents.”

Twilight chewed on the words like saltwater taffy, but they became no easier to digest. “Princess Celestia … had … a harem.”

Wink nodded. “Yes, Highness. Purely for diplomatic reasons - just as we still tend to the pond-koi gifted to Equestria by the ruler of Neighpon. But of course, a harem is a more, ah, intimate gift than some colorful fish. And soon other power-players caught wind of it. They insisted on offering up bedmates of their own, for fear that pleasure might sway the Princess’s decisions and give the Saddle Arabians a political edge. Soon every major power in the world had gifted their most skilled and eager lovers for the Princess’s enjoyment. And now that she’d accepted one, she could hardly be so rude as to refuse the others, could she?”

Realization dawned across Twilight’s features. “The Pink Ledger …”

“Yes, Highness.” Wink said with a nod. “Even partaking in one faction’s concubines more frequently or more favorably than another’s risked sparking an international incident. And so, to foster friendship and prosperity, Her Royal Highness made sure to regularly engage in congress with each delegate an equal number of times, and to declare none of them superior or inferior to their fellows. Over time, a courtesy to the factions became a challenge between them, and focus on pleasure blunted focus on war. Thus, Equestria enjoyed ten centuries of peace.”

Twilight sat down heavily. The stone floor felt icy on her nethers. “The Princess … established world peace … by having sex with everypony.”

“With everyone, yes,” Wink agreed.

“And now, they’re expecting ME to … do that … w-with all of them …” Twilight’s eyes darted to the archways covering the sides of the hall. Her keen mind helplessly counted. Six … nine … fifteen … twenty-two …

Wink nodded again. “None or all, most definitely. If you decide to engage in Diplomatic Congress, equality is crucial … unless your Highness wishes to offer insult to a particular faction by snubbing them, of course. That’s your prerogative.”

“Oh. Oh gosh. Oh … omigosh …” Twilight struggled not to hyperventilate. Memories of Celestia’s penchant for sitting on big, soft, delicate pillows flickered through her mind. SHE must have been the sore one …!

“Is something the matter, Highness?” Wink tilted her head and frowned in concern. “If there’s any way I can make the experience more comfortable for you, please do not hesitate to ask. As Custodian, I am here to provide assistance, props, lotions, name reminders… oh, and to clean up afterward.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “That’s my favorite part.”

Twilight glanced back at the door she’d fled from. And then at its many fellows. And then back at the bright-eyed, cheerful, casually perverse maid. “Celestia really did this?”

“Once every month or two for six hundred and thirty-six years, yes, Highness.”

Thoughts of past ordeals paraded through Twilight’s imagination. Nightmare Moon’s imposing menace. Discord’s surreal horrors. Sombra’s cruel visions. The Storm King’s mercenary greed. Pinkie Pie’s bachelorette party. Was this really such a daunting task, in comparison? Especially in exchange for world peace? And besides, it HAD been an awfully long dry spell for her …

Twilight took the longest, deepest, slowest cleansing breath of her life, and then gave a firm nod. “...Fine. After everything I’ve done to keep Equestria safe over the years, I’m not going to turn my back on a whole castle-wing of guests who are only here to … to please me.” She turned toward the first door. “Let’s get started.”