Twilight goes to Soviet Russia

by Starscape

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1303

Twilight goes to Soviet Russia

Twilight is transported to Soviet Russia. How will this tale end for the most magically gifted of unicorns?

Audio Reading by CaptainBron3y Here

Russian Translation by Tirael Here

Published 2012-09-20 16:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-20 16:34:01 UTC

In Soviet Russia...

“SPIIKKEE!”

Twilight’s shout echoed throughout the library; even the walls could tell she was getting impatient with her number-one assistant.

“Hold your horses Twilight, I’ve got it!” Spike said as he ran down the stairs.

“Still shouldn’t have taken you fifteen minutes…” Twilight mumbled under her breath.

Spike put the aged, worn book down gently on the coffee table; then he bolted towards the kitchen.

“Why are you running to the kitchen?”

“I’m gonna go get myself a snack, searching through books takes a lot of energy!”

Twilight facehoofed, knowing that this was just an excuse for the baby dragon to eat some emeralds. However, there were much more important things on her mind than berating her purple assistant.

She eagerly opened the book, flipped to the contents page, and fell to the floor.

Twilight woke up in a deserted campsite. There was a ring of mountains surrounding her, and the faint outline of a town could be seen in the distance. It was snowing, although not very heavily.

Suddenly, a booming voice sounded.

“Welcome to Soviet Russia.”

Twilight, who was dizzy and disorientated, put her hooves over her ears. Once she was sure that the last echos of the sound had faded, she spoke.

“W-who are you?” she squeaked.

“You may call me Mr. H.” The voice said.

He spoke with a thick, heavy accent that Twilight couldn’t distinguish. It was like somepony had covered their tongue with thick wool, then spread honey all over the wool.

“M-Mr H, where am I?”

“You are in Soviet Russia, where everything is backwards.”

“Backwards? That can’t possibly make sense!” Twilight exclaimed.

“You want to test that?” The voice said, with a hint of amusement in it.

“Well, since everything being backwards isn’t scientifically possible, I suppose I do! After all, the best way to find out if something is true of not is to test it, right?”

“Good luck.” The voice said, echoing off the mountains.

Twilight thought for a moment, then decided it would be wise to get a view of the surrounding landscape. She started to levitate a big chunk of ice, so she could stand on it.

“In Soviet Russia, magic uses you.” The voice said.

Twilight was suddenly thrown from side to side, jiggled up and down, and finally tossed twenty feet into the air. She faceplanted on the hard ice with a resounding crack.

Twilight got up. “Alright, alright, very funny. So I can’t use magic, otherwise I’ll end up breaking my bones. Guess I’ll have to walk into town then.”

After walking for what seemed like hours, she’d finally reached the town. She found a deserted tent and campfire right inside the entrance. “How convenient. I can just rest here.”

Twilight sat down at the campfire. The remnants of a few dying coals could be seen inside. There was a piece of flint and steel to the left of her. She picked it up and attempted to start a fire.

“In Soviet Russia, fire lights you.”

“Oh sweet Cele-“ was all Twilight could say before she was engulfed in flames.

“Ah! Ah! Get it off, GET IT OFF!” Twilight shouted frantically as she rolled around on the ground like a pony experiencing a seizure.

Breathing heavily, and with her coat partially charred, Twilight continued on through the town, deciding to be a little more careful this time. She’d already realised that this place was weird beyond belief. She felt sorry for the poor ponies who had to live here, if there were any in this snowy, godforsaken town.

She spotted a furry cap in the middle of the road, and decided to put it on. She was freezing, after all.

“In Soviet Russia, ushanka wears you.”

“Wait, what’s an-“

Invisible arms lifted Twilight off the ground, and deposited her unceremoniously onto the hat. The hat started floating and bobbing happily, pleased that it finally has something to wear.

Which is why the hat deflated as soon as Twilight leapt off with a yelp.

“Get away from me! Whatever you are, stay back!” She shouted desperately.

The hat stayed in its place, not moving an inch.

The full trauma of being worn by a hat started to sink in. From that moment on, she would always have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Having had just about enough, she decided to withhold from screaming for the time being, and headed towards the town square.

Twilight thought that this may have been the work of Discord; but that was impossible. He was sealed in stone. Besides, Twilight doubted that even Discord would have the ability to be THIS chaotic.

She was famished by the time she reached the town square. In search of food, she came across a sweet shop with some of the most beautiful-looking treats she had ever seen. Her mouth watered at the mere sight of them. Twilight wondered what it would be like to taste one.

“No no no Twilight, this could be another trick.” Twilight said, turning her head away from the snacks.

“But they’re so… delectable, and gooey, and beautiful…”

“No. No. This will surely have a consequence.”

“But they look so delicious!”

Twilight’s resolve finally gave out. She quickly gathered all the treats she could get her hooves on and put them into one big pile. She opened her mouth impossibly wide, and prepared to swallow the pile in a single bite when-

“In Soviet Russia, food eats you.”

Twilight’s scream was not dissimilar to that time when she was chased by a drove of angry bees during Winter Wrap-Up.

Twilight drew breath, and started screaming again, while running as fast as her legs would carry her. She was being chased by a maelstrom of pies, cookies, biscuits, donuts and other assorted pastries, all hell-bent on devouring her.

Twilight suddenly skidded to a halt.

“I’ve had enough of this! Please, just make it stop!” Twilight begged.

“Very well.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up with hope.

“In Soviet Russia, bench sits on you.”

“Waitwaitwait, that’s not what I m-“

Twilight looked up just in time to see a huge marble slab.

She woke up in her bed, shivering and sweating.

“AhhhhwaitwaitwaitIdidn’tmeanthatmr”

Twilight sighed with relief upon seeing her bedroom.

“Oh, it was just a bad dream. Phew!”

It was then that she heard a knocking on the window.

Twilight looked out the window to see Pinkie sitting on an ushanka.

“Hiya Twilight! Didya have a good sleep? Didya? Doya wanna go to Rarity’s and try on these new-“

Twilight screamed. Then she fainted.

*THUD*

“Pinkie, you can get off my head now! What was the screaming and the heavy thud?”

“I don’t know, as soon as Twilight saw us, she screamed and fainted!” Pinkie emphasised the point by pretending to faint.

“Do you think we should check up on her?”

“Na, she’ll be fine. I’ll just tell Spike to give her some cupcakes. That always cheers me up!”

“How will cupcakes help cure- never mind.”

“Actually, she kinda fainted when she looked at the hat you were wearing.”

“Geez, it’s not THAT ugly is it? It keeps my head warm at least. I’m just glad Rarity didn’t make me try on anything else from her ‘winter wear for the elegant mare’ collection. As much as I hate this cap, it does its job.”
“Hmm, maybe we can get the rest of our friends these hats too! I’m sure they’ll appreciate us keeping their heads warm! I know! I SHOULD PLAN A SUPER-DUPER FURRY HAT-GIVING PARTY!

‘Ssh! Pinkie! Not so loud!”

“Now, all we need is a Russian with a minigun, a whole load of robots, a manticore to keep Saxton entertained, and this will be the BEST PARTY EVER!!!”

“...”

For the first time in her life, Rainbow Dash was speechless.