Stares, Mares, and De-You Get The Idea Now
“Are you sure all of… this is still needed for her, my Princess?”
Even as the words left Raven Inkwell’s mouth, she winced knowing they would have no effect on the being before her - Princess Celestia, not Discord, thought the giddy smile on her face could make a pony mistake her for that devious dragonequus. The tickled-pink shade coating her cheeks, the bounce in her set that both set too much and not enough of her curves jiggling, the contraption her twinkling horn had summoned; it all equaled mischief most profound for the assistant.
And probably a Beneighdyl or four in Raven’s future. Best to rip the band-aid off fast, then.
“Well, you did make a case about this way of thinking’s flaws, Miss Inkwell.” Celestia thoughtfully tapped a heel on the tile circling her throne room, the rapping noise making Raven’s ears twitch nervously with each beat. ”Once. Every nine hours. For three months.”
Now Raven’s looked like the pony who could fry crisps on her reddening face. “O-oh, I’m so sorry, my-”
“But not to worry, Miss Inkwell! I took your counsel to heart! Just look at the results!” Celestia spread her arms to the contraption behind her, almost level with her javelin-like horn in its height.
Reven glumly looked, taking note of the different signs on the spokes of that giant gadget. Neat as it was that she was being listened to, the way it showed wasn’t making Raven gnaw at her lip any lighter.
That the contraption still had a giant blinking sign over it blinking “Wheel of Trolling” in neon bulbs may have had something to do with it.
“Now there are more options on this daily charter!” Celestia bubbled, pointing out each new ‘change’ to it. “See - there’s ‘Set up Rainbow Dash with Lightning Dust Day’, there’s ‘Declare a Ban on Silk and See How Rarity Responds Day’! And over here, we can’t forget the new spice of life…”
As Celestia’s hand drifted past the ‘Give Big Mac Ten More Inches Day’, utterly unsure whether to ask her Princess just where on Mac the inches would be given (or how Celestia knew ten more inches were needed in the first place,) Raven silently mourned the situation before her. She just had to ask her wonderful Princess to embrace more spontaneity, didn’t she? Wasn’t the fact Celestia asked her what the word ‘spontaneity’ was a clue for the trouble blowing her way?
Apparently not, as Celestia finished with, “And besides, with the new size of this ‘Wheel’, I need a wonderful mare to give this a spin. I know just the one too!”
Raven’s jaw worked, trying to think of an excuse Celestia hadn’t heard to avoid that duty. Cutie pox was a no-no after those lick-on tattoos required three hours of scrubbing to get rid of. And Raven was still trying to get Moondancer out of her house after the whooping cough fake-out.
“Well, Raven? Are you ready to hear who I have in mind?” Celestia said.
Raven twitched a little, now on the spot. “W-well, my Princess, I might have to de-”
And then the wheel was spinning anyway, not a single spark flying from Raven’s horn to move it. “Sorry! Couldn’t resist. At this point, I’m the only one of us too tall to reach the top!” Certainly, Celestia had shown it, as even she had to stand on her tip-toes to pull down the spokes at the top of the wheel. “Which reminds me; jot down a new part for this Wheel of Trolling; ‘Magic My Sister To Have Chryaslis’s Body Day!”
“S-sure, my Princess,” Raven said morosely, focusing on the pad she sorcerously summoned to keep her mind off the psychedelic pinwheel tumbling in front of her. Or the butterflies doing their own twirl in Raven’s stomach.
Of course, both felt like they were coined by fireworks as Raven saw what quadrant the pointer atop the ‘Wheel of Trolling’ flicked into.
“Oh, splendid,” Celestia purred, in a far deeper and devious voice. “I simply must thank Cadance for giving me the name for this.”
Could Raven have pointed out that ‘giving’ of the name was overheard by accident, or that Shining’s exact words after were ‘Haha, Faust, Cady, don’t let Twilight hear it or she’ll end us,’? Probably. But as it was, it was already the long-suffered late hour of (she looked at her watch) 11:48 AM, and the sooner she was done nodding to Celestia’s preparations, the sooner she could find her way back to that rose-petaled bath she had waiting for her during lunch break.
And the Beneighdryl. No forgetting that Beneighdryl.
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, was not feeling in a particularly princess-y mood today. More like piece-of-meaty-y, if that was the proper vernacular. Perhaps she could have Spike search for the proper word - the observatory she was finally in was definitely suited for it.
Or she could keep herself pinned to the wooden door like a flyder. Yeah, that worked too. Despite how hard it was for her to keep herself flush.
“Are you sure all of… this is still needed for her, Twilight?”
Thank goodness for Spike, though - he was an absolute gentle-dragon, keeping the bouquets of flowers, syrup holders, and brownies in his almost plum-sized hands. So what if his legs were wobbling like Rarity after she saw those plaid overalls one time? Clearly, it was from gratitude!
Just in case, though, Twilight’s horn lit up to relieve him of his load. You know, to make Spike even more grateful. “Alright, that’s about fifty pounds of gifts. That should be enough for Celestia.”
“Almos-?!” Spike stopped himself before the smoke from his nostrils set the wicker basket holding all of the items alight. “I’m serious, Twilight, you don’t need to have all this for Celestia. She owes you her life multiple times, her knowledge about friendship many times more than! What’s all this about?”
Twilight’s face twisted in frustration. “How have you not seen Celestia around lately?”
The obvious answer for Spike was right at eye-level. Specifically, two eyefuls of cantaloupe-sized cans of Twilight’s, somehow still jiggling despite Twilight being right against the door for ten seconds. “Probably just the wind, I guess.”
“Well…” Twilight tensed for a minute, almost doubting herself. “No! I know what I saw, Spike! Celestia's been watching me since we stopped by Canterlot!”
“Okay, how so?”
Twilight beamed: it was time to recheck the schedules! Her favorite midday hobby! “9:31 AM: Reorganized 2nd drawer in Golden Oaks, checked on the brewing chamomile, saw Celestia’s eyes and snout poking out of the hole where Eyes-to-Cheeks: A History of Pony Facial Anatomy used to be, probably by a partial teleportation spell! It gets amazingly defined around the 2nd generation, too - Spike, are you listening?”
Spike, whose mind short-circuited around the words ‘Eyes-to-Cheeks’, snapped back to reality. “O-oh, I’m just remembering I fixed that shelf short after. A-anything else?”
“Absolutely!” Twilight cheerily said, now pacing the rug in front of the door before Spike. “9:58 AM: saw Celestia’s wings turn the corner around the corner when I picked some tulips from Rosewood. Also; it's the third straight day that Roseluck gave me a free seasonal discount for my flowers, despite the seasons changing last week.“
Spike grabbed one of the napkins under the still-floating gift basket and stuffed his face in it to keep from laughing audibly.
“10:49 AM: We got first class seating based on a problem with debris collecting in the caboose, saw Celestia peeking at me from the door separating the first class and second class carriages before she vanished. Another note; really have to talk with the conductor about their junk in the trunk - it's the seventh time this has happened, and every time I’ve been on the Express too!”
Spike was almost turning red with the effort to keep from guffawing; a pallor that turned pale the second Twilight brushed past him. Specifically the star-stamped caboose of Twilight. “Y-yeah, and then there was 11:22 AM, when…”
“I saw Celestia three times when we were in the library. Always behind me too!“ Twilight’s teeth were chattering - whether in shame or fear, Spike didn’t know. “I can’t just ask her, either - if it’s something the Princess of the Sun can’t come directly to me about, it must be serious!”
Spike gulped, suddenly at the center of Twilight’s answer-hungry eyes. “I mean, maybe she’s just being really careful. I mean, after Chrysalis, Sombra, and all that…”
“But we managed to beat them both! And it’s only coming through at this time? Don’t worry, Spike, I’ll get to the bottom of this. I have that handy-dandy hypotheticals list for times like this; just need to find it here, and…” Twilight rummaged through one of the many boxes in her observatory, hind feet kicking lightly as she burrowed herself in her work.
Spike, after what felt like an eternity, tore his eyes from the jiggling backside of the Princess of Friendship and realized someone was tapping on their door. He opened it only a crack, still concerned aback the panic staggering every movement Twilight made in her list-searching.
The second he found Raven, Spike’s heart settled some. “Oh, nice to see you Inkwell; lunch break.”
“Faust willing,” Spike swore he heard under Inkwell’s sigh.
“What was that?”
“O-oh, nothing!” Inkwell. Fiddled with her hooves for a second, before something broke through in her shimmering eyes. “Actually, well… there is something. Involving our majesty Celestia.”
Spike nodded. “Oh, Twilight was just talking about her. Anything wrong?”
“Ye-no…” Raven said quietly. “Well, you know that wheel she had deciding how she was going to
“Yeah, she said she was moving away from that, though. Thank goodness.”
“Not far enough, it seems,” Raven said, gulping audibly. “She’s added more segments for the other Elements, and today it landed on…”
It seemed like entire sunsets passed before the final words spilled from Raven’s mouth.
“...‘Stare at Twilight's Butt Without Telling Her Day’.”
This time, years seemed to pass before Spike’s stunned brain put together Twilight’s observances with Raven’s confession. “Oh my her!” Spike finally doubled over, body shaking with laughter only barely contained from his crouch. “Princess Celestia actually -hahaaaa!- she actuall-”
“I’d rather not have that moment of my life on a skipping track, thank you.” Raven turned away from the still-panting dragon. “Anyways I’m not beholden to the conditions of the day - please let Twilight know, will you?”
“Oh, b-believe me, I will,” Spike said. “I remember what happened the last misunderstanding Twilight had with the Princesses; rampaging elephants wouldn’t stop me from cluing Twilight in this time.”
But as he turned to call Twilight, that very same unicorn was before his face. He yelped, but thankfully the door hid Raven - and her volcanic blush - from the madly grinning Twilight. “Y-yes?” he finally piped.
“I know what this has to be about now! And it's all thanks to you!”
Spike’s heart leaped in relief as he heard Raven finally leave. “Really Twilight? Thank goodness, I was wondering how to spill it to-”
“-I mean look at when Celestia showed up!” Twilight plodded on her eyes like amethyst as she focused on her counting hooves again. “When I didn’t help the conductor promptly, the time I’ve put off re-arranging the library, me burying my nose in books again - clearly this is a test!”
And there went Spike’s hopes, spiraling away like a balloon in contact with one of his spines. “Wait, what?”
“To see if I’m still as alert as I was during my alicornization! It makes perfect sense!” Twilight nonsensically babbled. “Clearly I have to show I’m fast on my hooves and my charity, to impress the Princess again!”
Spike gulped. Time to burse another balloon, it seemed. “Twilight, there’s something I have to tell you-”
“And that’s why I have to make sure I’m limber enough to make those tight escapes. Spike, please fetch the butter, you need to grease me so I don’t get stuck in the Canterlot crevices!” Twilight finally said.
Spike would have finally gotten those crucial words out, if not for him being bowled by Twilight’s ask of him now. “W-wait…” He said, his eyes flicking for a second to Twilight’s riveting rump. “...everywhere?”
“Well, I don’t want any part of me to get stuck. Statues and vents are everywhere!” Twilight’s eyes then twinkled in recall. “Oh yes, I forgot - you said you had something to tell me, Spike?”
Spike, after a few seconds, finally matched Twilght’s gleaming grin. “Nothing, Twilight. Just gotta prepare for the angry elephants we’ll clearly be getting in a few minutes.”
Twilight’s eyebrow quirked. “Weird, nopony told me about that… but okay!” Then she was bounding toward the bathrooms. “Lemme know when you’re done heating that butter stick, okay! Cold substances just make my sides and back swell, and we wouldn’t want that, would we?”
Spike, already rummaging in the kitchen for that butter stick, contemplated Twilight’s words for a minute. He drew in a breath, held it…
…and simply swallowed it as he waddled over to Twilight’s bathrooms. “Speak for yourself, Twilight…” he saucily whispered, day taking a drastic turn for the better.
