Twilight totally called it, though she would never say it like that to anypony. She was going to kindly ask her mentor why she didn't believe her when this was all over and then thank her for explaining... But she so totally called it. The one-thousandth year had just passed and Nightmare Moon had just plunged Equestria into an eternal night. Not all was lost however! She hoped. The Elements of Harmony were the key to banishing Nightmare Moon and she now had a lead on where to find them thanks to Pinkie Pie. Now all she needed to do was track them down, ignite the spark (note to self, figure out what that means), and use them to bring back Princess Celestia and the normal day and night cycle. She was reluctant to work with the five mares who had followed her into the library, but Pinkie found the book while she was panicking so she was going to let them come with for now. At least until the Everfree forest.

With a racing heart, Twilight checked on a sleeping Spike as calmly as she could one last time before heading back downstairs to her temporary party.

"Come on! We have to hurry!" Twilight threw open the door to the outside as she called out to them. "The world could end if we don't stop Nightmare-" And as she turned around to look outside, she screamed. What she screamed she wouldn't know until later, but she would argue that her reaction was completely justified at the time. Celestia was missing, she had spent all day with ponies who wouldn't give her the space she wanted, night had forcefully taken over the day, and now a light-teal penis was in her face.

So, with the feeling of her heart falling into her stomach and her head tied into knots, she pulled magic into her horn and cast one of the first spells she had been taught by her mother when she officially became 'of-age.'

The Chastity Spell.

I could have done that better. I had meant to start that encounter on my own terms but they had apparently been on their way out somewhere once I got to the door. It opened rather hard and gave me one of my first up-close looks at another sentient creature since I came too. It wasn't much, I could tell it was about half my height and very lavender, though I couldn't see any facial features as the head was turned away from me. And then she spoke.

"The world could end if we don't stop Nightmare- PENIS!" Followed by a flash of purple light, the feeling of my lower body going numb, and the thud of my face and horns hitting the floor.

I have made first contact. How do I respond?

"Ow." Nailed it.

"Hahahaha! W-what? What was that Twilight?" She felt her ears burn as Rainbow laughed from her place in the air.

"H-he was in my face! I panicked!" She could tell it was mistake as soon as the creature face planted. He was something like a skinny minotaur, though those ears were excessively large. His height and stature just placed his waist at an unfortunate height, and she really wished she had taken a moment to notice that. "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay. I think I might be in most peoples' faces." Applejack snorted from somewhere behind her at that. "I don't suppose you could give me my legs back though? And my levitation? I had hoped to help with the whole reversed sunrise situation." Well, she fucked up. Of course she just disabled an unknown magical creature who wished to help.

"Oh my Celestia I'm so sorry! I don't know the counterspell! Only qualified officials are allowed to know how to undo the Chastity Spell!"

"My sides! They hurt Twilight! You cast a Chastity Spell on him! Oh my gosh, I knew you were a riot but that's too much! Its too much!" Thank you Rainbow, very helpful.

"Well, I mean' at leas' ya didn't buck him?" And Applejack tried her hoof at comfort.

"Excuse me everypony, as unfortunate as all this is, don't we have somewhere important to be? We should help the poor darling after we've brought back the sun, yes?" Rarity was now Twilight's second favorite pony.

"Yes! Of course! SPIKE!" She heard him yell in surprise. "I'm so sorry! I need your help with something!" The bedroom door slammed open as he frantically made his way down the stairs.

"Yes! I'm here! How can I help stop Nightmare Moon!" Her little hero.

"I need you to take care of the poor pony I just put a Chastity Spell on!" That was all the explanation he got as Twilight and the rest rushed out the door, jumping over Elfilis one by one. Except Fluttershy who muttered a quick 'oh, so sorry' as she gingerly stepped over him.

... Silence ...

"... Uh bwuh?"

I decided to take mercy on the poor boy and introduced myself as I lifted my chin off the floor and got my first look at the room I was laying in.

"Hello. I'm Elfilis. I am in your care." And no, I definitely did not sound upset at the little purple lizard boy.

"Oh, uh, hi? I'm Spike and I'll do my best?" He definitely said that like it was a question. "Why are you laying on the floor?"

"The one named Twilight apparently cast a Chastity Spell on me. I can't feel my legs and the levitation I was using on them has also vanished on me. So now I'm down here, regretting my choices." At least I was able to confirm that they were the good guys in this situation. Another win under my belt. On a roll.

"Yeah she said that, but why did she do that? Mom said that spell is only supposed to be used in some kind of emergency and you seem like a cool... guy-thing. What are you anyway? You look like a big eared minotaur." I was going to go under the assumption that he didn't know what kind of emergency his mom was talking about, and I wasn't completely sure myself so I'll keep this simple.

"Well, in order, I think I just surprised her at a bad time, with the world in darkness and all, and your guess is as good as mine." What would I call myself anyway? A Fecto? A Forgo? I had already committed to my name being Elfilis without much thought, and I'm not sure saying I was 'Elfilis the Elfilis' would be terribly forthcoming. "What about you Spike? What are you?" He was a purple lizard with green spines. I thought he was kind of cool.

"Oh, well I'm a dragon! A baby dragon anyway, that's probably why you don't recognize it." Sure, let's go with that. "Wait, but, how do you not know what you are?"

"I only have about a weeks worth of memories. I just left the forest to the, west? Yeah, to the west of here when I saw the sun go back to bed." I'm going to put that compass on a string. A reminder to keep an open mind on the usefulness of random objects. "You said you were a baby? You're very well spoken aren't you?"

"Thank you! You can thank Twilight for that, I don't think anypony raised by her could go as long as I have without learning a thing or two." Was Twilight his mom? Or is he like her adopted brother? Also, now I knew that they were called ponies. I heard it before but I was too preoccupied by the floor at the time to pay it much attention. "Are you... comfortable down there? You want a chair?"

"My legs are numb and my levitation stopped working when Twilight cast her spell. If you can lift me high enough on your own to put me in a chair, I would appreciate it."

"Oh, uh, I'm not sure I can do that. Sorry."

"No problem. You mind if I ask some questions?" I hoped the well-spoken baby would actually know enough to teach me something worthwhile, besides grammar.

"Sure, what do you want to know?"

Spike was pretty confused. This Elfilis dude seemed cool, even if he was stuck laying on his belly as they spoke, but his questions made him sound like he was younger than the dragon in the room. And like, not knowing who Nightmare Moon was isn't a big deal, Spike didn't know either until that morning. (Spike still giggled every time he called her the Nightmare Penis. Where did he come up with that?) But everypony knew who Celestia was! She raised the sun and moon everyday! Not to mention, he didn't know the name of the planet! Was he an alien? Was Spike having a conversation with somepony literally out of this world? He had so many questions for Twilight when she came back.

"So, wait," Spike started to wonder something, "Why didn't Twilight undo the Chastity Spell?"

"She said only qualified ponies were allowed to know how to undo it. Why?"

"Uh-"

"I'm an idiot! What is wrong with me?!"

"It's okay sugarcube, we were all scared of da' trees too." Seriously, Applejack felt like everypony around her was a little dramatic.

"No! Not that! I AM qualified to cast the undo spell! I learned it just last month! GAAAAH!"

"BaHAHAHAHA-"

"- just curious I guess. You don't really look comfortable down there."

"Thank you for caring Spike. Mind if I ask you a silly question of my own?" Spike wasn't going to say anything if Twilight wasn't.

"Yep! Of course! Ask away."

"So Nightmare Penis (snrk) is one of two alicorn sisters who raise the sun and moon, correct?"

"Yes...?"

"She was banished to the moon and the second unnamed alicorn sister took over her duties and started controlling both in her absence one thousand years ago. Am I missing anything?"

"No, that's how the fairy tale went."

"Okay. And Princess Celestia, the one who told you and Twilight that the now-confirmed myth was just an 'old foals tale,' is an immortal Alicorn who has raised the sun and the moon everyday for as long as any living pony can remember?"

"..."

"...Spike?"

"Give me a second I need to write a letter."

Celestia was currently on the surface of the sun. In truth, without the Elements of Harmony backing the spell her sister cast on her, she could have left at any time. If she wanted to stop Nightmare Moon without killing her however, she would have to trust that her faithful student would solve the mystery of the hidden sixth element. The Elements had long stopped responding to the solar sister, and even when she had used them a thousand years ago they pushed back against her as she tried to purify Luna. So here Celestia sat, in a relatively cool section of the sun, trying to maintain her composure with some summoned jasmine tea.

So when a letter appeared in front of her, as surprised as she was that it had reached her, she had enough forethought to cover it in a cooling spell before it could combust. She choked on her tea and the letter caught fire not ten seconds later as she read it.

Dear Princess Celestia
Why didn't you tell us Nightmare Penis Moon was your sister?
Spike

"Where did he come up with that!?"

"Do you think she got the letter?"

"You set it on fire, how is she supposed to have gotten it?"

As if to taunt Elfilis, Spike burped up a cloud of sparkly green gas that turned into a rather singed looking roll of parchment. Spike looked very smug as he unrolled it to read, and Elfilis just raised his eyebrows as the dragons expression turned into an odd combination of embarrassment and mirth.

I'm sorry, did you just call my sister Nightmare Penis? Or is heatstroke getting to me?

Spike knew better than to say it was heatstroke.

"So uh, why do you keep calling Nightmare Moon a penis?"

"I thought that was her name? It's what Twilight called her when she- Oh... Woops."

Twilight said it first.

Those four words were enough to turn much of the joy Celestia felt at the activation of the Elements full power into confusion and resignment.

"Please tell me this is just a baby's overactive imagination... Later Celly, you need to be composed for your sister." With a quick breathing exercise, and a teleport to the outside of her old castle, she raised the sun to shine its light upon her student and her new friends. She allowed a sense of pride replace her consternation, and even as she greeted the new Bearers she looked to her sister. She felt mirth as her little ponies expressed their shock at her claiming Luna as family, and she spoke the last words needed to save her sister for good.

"You are now free of the parasite known as Nightmare Penis- DAMN IT ALL!"

"Princess?!" Great, now she needed to explain herself to Twilight instead of the other way around.

Luna was laughing though, probably out of shock, but Celestia would take it. She needed a win today.

Author's Note

Woot woot it's publishable now. Probably.

EDIT: MORE EDITS AND MISSING WORDS

COFFEE FUELS ME