Call Me, Dashie!

by King of Madness

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Random
Length: 1023

Anon confesses his love for Rainbow Dash.

Anon is obsessed with Rainbow Dash and has decided to confess his feelings... in song form!

A Call Me Maybe parody based on this video.

Published 2022-08-26 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-08-26 00:50:01 UTC

Here's My Number!

Anon sat on his couch watching his favorite show in the whole world; and on the screen, brightening the dark room he sat in, there was his favorite pony. Rainbow Dash. Anon squeed in delight as she appeared on screen. She was talking with Fluttershy, but the yellow one didn't matter. Anon sat on his couch, decked out in his Rainbow Dash centered merchandise; his fingers tugging at the rainbow wig on his head like a nervous schoolgirl watching her crush. His other hand petting the Rainbow Dash plushie he had attached to his belt; but the plush's soft and cuddly body simply wasn't the same as the real thing. He had only yet imagined what cuddling with the one and true Rainbow Dash would be like.

Watching his favorite pony and feeling his crazed love fill up his chest, he couldn't help but break into song.

"I'm watching you on my screen
Making my life feel serene
Why don't you come stay with me
So I can lick your flank

I love your LGB hair
Those tricks you do in the air
Your merch I've handled with care
And got by draining my bank

I have been so lonely
You are my one and only
Make my life more homey
We are meant to be together!"

It seemed like a normal if slow day in Ponyville. Rainbow Dash had just come down from Cloudsdale and was talking with Fluttershy. But whatever they were discussing soon became forgotten when a human popped up from underneath Fluttershy, sending the mare into the air and soon landing behind him.

"Hi, nice to meet you!"

Anon grabbed Rainbow's face.

"I'm your biggest fan!"

He let go of her and moved to the side where a band that Rainbow was absolutely positive hadn't been there a second ago performed behind Anon.

"You will marry me
And I'll be your man!

Fluttershy, who had just recovered, rubbed her head as she returned to Rainbow's side and the two exchanged confused looks.

"Rainbow, you have been my sole obsession
I've been your stalker since the first Season!"

Rainbow gaped at this lunatic and held up a hoof.

"Woah, I don't know you
You're freaking crazy
You look like an ape
Your eyes are glazy

And you really need to
Get off my back
And man on pony?
I'm not into that!"

Anon shook his arms in frustration at this rejection while Rainbow shook her head and started to leave with Fluttershy. A masked unicorn, who was playing the bass in the band, levitated over a sponge and bucket of water to Anon, who went over to a car that Rainbow also was sure hadn't been there before.

You may not realize it now
But soon, we will have bow-wow
Inside your sexy cloud house!"

Rainbow turned to Anon as he sang this and got on top of the car.

My dude, I think you're sick."

Anon started washing the hood of the car in what he thought was a seductive pose.

"Perhaps if I wash like this
It will make your coochie wet"

Rainbow cringed and rolled her eyes.

"Please stop or I'm gonna retch
You look worse than Tirek."

Anon continued scrubbing.

I should've practiced this more
I think I'm gonna fall off."

Indeed, immediately after he said this, Anon fell off the car's hood.

Ouch, my head hit a rock
OMG, I think I'm bleeding!

Rainbow and Fluttershy rushed over to check on him, but Anon, seemingly unaffected, immediately got up.

"I spent all my money
On FIMFiction
And bought some clop art!"

Anon held up the pony porn, much to Rainbow's disgust.

"It's sexy, isn't it?"

Anon pushed what he thought was steamy artwork in Rainbow's face, only for the increasingly uncomfortable and angry mare to slap it away.

"Get your creepy fanart
Outta my business
Or I'll buck your crotch
Til you're a woman!"

Anon, realizing this wasn't working, continued desperately.

"No, please, I love you
Just give me one taste!"

He flicked his tongue not-so-seductively at Rainbow, who recoiled in disgust.

"Take one step closer
And I'll break your face!"

It was then that Rainbow Dash glanced to the side and noticed the masked unicorn playing the base. She couldn't help but feel like she knew this pony from somewhere.

"Wait, who the hay's that guy
Playing the bass?"

Anon answered nonchalantly.

"Oh, that's King Sombra."

The unicorn torn off the mask to reveal himself to indeed be the dreaded ex-tyrant of the Crystal Empire. The dark pony flashed a wicked smile at Rainbow Dash.

"My death was a fake!"

Rainbow Dash angrily flew over to Sombra.

When villains fake losing their lives
It makes me look bad
How could you do that
You're gonna drive me insane!"

However, Rainbow's anger suddenly faded as she landed and she gave Sombra an almost alluring look.

"But secretly, I've always liked your sexy horn and mane
Can I be your mare?
So, call me maybe?"

Rainbow slipped a small piece of paper to Sombra, giving a wink and swish of her tail before flying off.

Sombra looked at the paper to find Rainbow's address written on it. The villain looked from the paper to the direction Rainbow had flown off to, a dumbfounded look on his face. However, said dumbfounded expression soon gave way to a smile and a rather amorous gleam in his eyes.

Anon stood with his jaw dropped at what had just transpired. His gaze going from Rainbow Dash, who was flying off into the distance, and Sombra, who Anon gave a 'WTF man' look. Indignant and angry, Anon took the Rainbow Dash plushie from his belt and ripped it's head off, dropping both halves of the poor plush as he marched off in a huff.

Fluttershy, who had stood as a silent observer to everything that had just occurred, watched Anon wander off. Then she looked to Sombra, then to where Rainbow Dash flew off to, and then finally into blank space. Staring off into nothing, she stood and wondered to herself, 'What the heck just happened?'