This Ain't Compendium: Holidays

Lyra’s home, Ponyville.

After dragging Nikolai through the streets of the town, Lyra finally arrived to her home: a house that looked similar to the others. When both stood in front of the door, she smiled widely and searched through her mane, grabbing the key with her mechanical hands.

“Oh my gosh, this is so exciting for me!” She said happily as she put it in the keyhole. While she was doing that, she stood in hind hooves, emulating human-like moves. “We’ll have a great time!”

“Yeah, yeah”, he said, not being as enthusiast as her, “you promised only to share some Moonshine.”

“I know, Nik”, she replied and she opened the door. It was completely dark inside. “Please take a seat.”

“Ookay”, he said a bit confused as he walked inside. Suddenly, he bumped his leg on something. “Fuck!” he yelled in pain.

“Oops! Let me turn the lights on”, she said and then her horn glowed. After a moment, she used to magic to lighten up the place by setting several candles, that were on the wall, on fire. “Welcome to my humble home,” she giggled, “my dear P.H.B.F.F.!”

“What in the fuck”, Nikolai mumbled as he looked around. The walls were covered, almost upholstered, in drawings. All of them were hoof drawn, one by one, and all of them had one thing in common: mankind. Although most of them were maps, showing the type of people living in each continent, there some that showed the mint colored unicorn living in their world, either as a pony or a humanized pony.

“Cool, isnt it?” Nikolai heard and turned back to her. She giggled and said: “My friends think I’m weird ‘cause I like humans. Heh, they even think I find them to be sexy.”

“What?” The Russian asked slightly disgusted, but she grabbed his arm again and began to drag him upstairs. “Stop dragging me, horse!” He said upset. However, she didn’t listen and kept doing it until both were upstairs. She then walked over a door, still trying to use her hind legs only.

“Chill out, Nik,” she said with her usual excited tone as she grabbed the door knob with her mechanical attachment, “I promise this won’t take long. Oh, maybe we could hang out tonight after this!”

“Yeah, yeah”, he just said sarcastically as he was still looking at her with reluctance as he thought: “damn, that sounded very wrong, just like what Richtofen says sometimes. I really need a drink.”

After she opened the door and grabbed his arm with her “hand”, Lyra and Nikolai walked in her room. She turned the lights on and walked over a cabinet as she said with a smile: “sorry if my room’s a complete mess,” she giggled, “I wasn’t expecting to be with a human-pony today!”

He didn’t answer. He just walked over the bed and sat on its side after he spotted the plushies of humans on her bed. What surprised him was not exactly the fact he saw the plushies in general, but the fact he saw one of himself. “What in the fuck is this?” He said annoyed as he grabbed it with his hoof.

The plushie resembled himself as his human form. It was wearing the same clothes he worn during Pinkie Pie’s party. Its face was showing a glimpse of drunk and disgust. And also, it was holding a tiny bottle on one hand and a pistol with the other.

“Who the fuck made a mini me?” He wondered as he was still examining it.

“I made it myself”, Lyra replied while she was opening the cabinet and taking a small bottle out from it, “it’s not tough after all. All you need to make one is fabric, cotton to stuff it and lots of patience”. She smiled widely and then she moved in front of him. “Heh, the bottle was the toughest part.”

“Well, I admit it’s impressive, but weird”, he said and couldn’t help but to chuckle at her enthusiasm. “Anyway”, he looked back at her and noticed the bottle she was carrying with her magic, “is that the bottle of non-vodka?”

She nodded and then she opened it. “Yep! This Moonshine is indeed pretty rare to find”, she chuckle dand then whispered as she was taking a couple of glasses with her magic, “only Celestia knows when we’ll have another chance to drink it again.”

“How did you get it anyway?” He asked with curiosity as he put the plushie back to its place. “Did you steal it or what?”

As an answer, she just giggled and filled both glasses with the alcoholic drink. She then spoke as she handed him his glass: “I actually got it as a prize.”

“A prize?” He asked as he grabbed the glass, trying not to drop it, “what did you do?”

“It was a creative creation contest, Nik”, she replied after she sipped from her glass. “The goal was to write the most creative story with Hearts and Hooves’ Day theme, so I wrote a very unique one.”

“A unique one?” He said as he tried to taste the contents of his glass, “and what in the hell is Hearts’ and Hooves Day about? Sounds like food.”

“Oh, lemme show you!” She quickly stood up and walked over her closet. She opened it, searched through the various belongings of hers and, after a moment, she finally grabbed a draft. “There it is.”

While she was walking back to him, Nikolai looked at the other plushies and chuckled as she finally managed to drink from his glass. “Let’s see. There’s Richtofen, Dempsey, that stupid Japanese, me and...” He kept looking at a fifth plushie; it was a female one, with mint colored hair, amber eyes, clear skin and was wearing similar clothes as the other four ones. “...Who’s that?”

“That one’s my O.C.”, she replied with enthusiasm while she was sitting down again.

“Your what?”

“Original Character, Nikolai”, she put the draft in front of him and opened it with her mechanical hands. “You know, I always wondered how it would be to be in the human world, fighting zombies and solving riddles!”

“Woah, now that’s very weird to hear... Like with fourth wife... She wanted to use pants once”, he looked at the draft and frowned. “What the fuck is this language? I can’t understand this!”

She giggled at his stereotypical words. “Oh Nik, this is how we write. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it quickly.” She smiled at him, “I could teach you later if you want.”

“Heh... no”, he replied and emptied the contents of his glass with another swig. “By the way”, he said as he extended his hoof to her, “this drink is not good as vodka, but is not too bad either. I may give it another shot.”

“Sure!” She lifted up the bottle with her magic and filled his glass again. She kept talking about her draft with great enthusiasm: “This story is about how Nikolai, who happens to be you, develops his feelings towards his best friend: Dempsey.”

“Dempsey?” He grinned, “Well, he could be good comrade and friend... but he’s capitalist pig.”

“Really?” She smiled, took a quill and wrote down notes on the bottom of the draft. “Thanks for the heads up, Nik.”

“So,” he took a swig from his glass, “how does story ends? Do I kill Takeo?”

“Well, about that,” she hesitated for a moment, “you two become best friends, and then you become boyfriends.”

After she finished her sentence, he just spilled the drink from his mouth and yelled, upset: “What the fuck, horse. What the fuck!?”

“Oh, but this is always how two best friends end up like, right?” She forced a grin. “Richtofen loved this story.”

He sighed, trying to calm himself down, and said: “Look, Bonbon...”

“It’s Lyra”, she interrupted.

“Whatever. Why the fuck did you think such damn thing? This reminded me of my brother... He was one weird guy.”

“Oh”, her smile faded, “so you don’t like this story?”

“Of course not”, he said, still upset, “I’m not a nezhenka. I got married seventh times... They were all bitches, but they were still women.”

“I see”, she looked at her draft with a thoughtful glimpse, “so you’d never ever mate with Dempsey, right?”

“What!?” He replied disgusted, “No!”

“Okay”, she sighed and put her story back in the closet again with her magic and then she closed the door. “Can I ask you something, Nik?”

He took a deep breath and then sighed. “Fine. What do you want now, midget horny horse?”

“Will you turn back into a human soon? I mean, it’s nice already to be friends with a pony human, but a complete human would make it even better.”

He looked at her, not knowing what to answer, and scratched his head. “I don’t know. Richtofen said something about queen horse wanting to keep me this way.”

“You mean Princess Luna?” She suddenly grinned widely and she leaned closer to him, being face to face: “I think I have a great idea!”

“Erm,” he couldn’t help but to feel awkward at the fact she was too close to his face, “what is it about?”

“Well,” she moved her “hand” on her chin, “today’s Nightmare Night, Nik.”

“So?” He asked confused. Instead of responding, she suddenly grabbed his arm and started to drag him again.

“If we offer her more candy than anypony else, then she might change her mind!”

“Candy? Offer?” he was still confused. He raised an eyebrow and then asked: “Either I’m too drunk or what you said was nonsense.”

“Don’t worry”, she answered. Both were already downstairs and she was heading towards the door: “I’ll tell you while we go get you a great costume!”

He was about to ask again, but he only sighed and thought: “This is fucking madness”.