Two Unicorns Walk Into A Bank
"Trixie, I really don't think—"
"Exactly! You don't think, so Trixie has to do all the thinking for herself!"
Starlight bit back a sigh at her marefriend's interruption. "It doesn't matter what you think, credit unions just don't work that way!"
"And how would you know?" Trixie scoffed, flippantly waving what remained of her mane. "The Great and Frugal Trixie is an expert in all things financial and—"
"You live in a wagon."
"A mortgage-free wagon. And if you would shut your stupid face and listen, you'd know cancelling a transaction is easy. All they need is the right incentive."
The couple entered Canterlot Credit Union, Trixie bursting through the doors and making a beeline for the teller with a deadpan Starlight Glimmer close in tow.
"That's... Okay, so there are a number of problems with your brilliant plan," Starlight said. "First, your order already went through. CCU only offers purchase cancellations if the payment is pending, and we both know that stupid pack of—of whatever you ordered—"
"Truth Slaughterer's Patriot Pack of Patented Perfectly-Safe-for-Ponies Performance Enhancing Pills."
"—already got delivered! And they have the receipt showing you willingly ordered it! Why did you even order those things, anyway? Your performance doesn't need enhancing!"
Trixie stamped her hoof. "Even perfection can be improved upon!"
"Sorry, but there's just nothing you can do to get your money back, short of proving the purchase was fraudulent."
"Those pills are fraudulent!" Trixie snapped as the two of them settled in line behind a sea of other ponies. "'Performance enhancing?' Don't make Trixie laugh! All they did was make Trixie's hair fall out, and if I can't get my mane back then I at least want my damn bits back!"
Starlight rolled her eyes, if only to avoid gawking at Trixie's ridiculous attempt at a comb-over. "You got scammed, yeah, but throwing a tantrum in the middle of the lobby isn't gonna get your money back."
"Watch me."
"Look, if you really want to, we can file a complaint with the seller."
"You look," Trixie said. "Trixie is well aware that her various plots and schemes go over your pretty little head, but lucky for you she's a patient pony and doesn't hold it against you and your tiny brain." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "If you'd like to return that courtesy, you can do so by zipping it and leaving this to an expert."
At that, something in Starlight's head shifted, her expression twisting from a frown to an expectant glare. "Fine. I look forward to being educated, oh great and powerful one."
The next several minutes passed in uneasy silence, with Starlight lazily observing the clock and Trixie repeatedly peering past the half-dozen other ponies in line.
As one of the tellers waved forward the next in line, an elderly pegasus with a wiry navy mane and withered wings, Trixie began to grumble. As the pegasus slowly began plodding his way to the front desk, she began to vibrate intensely. And, as soon as the stallion opened his mouth, Trixie threw her hooves up and yelled for the benefit of the lobby, "This is taking too long!"
Before Starlight could stop her, Trixie was already past the line. "Move it, blue stuff!" she shouted, shoving the pegasus to the floor and taking his place before the teller. "Okay, you! Bank pony! Trixie wants her dang money back!"
"Excuse me?" The teller's voice wavered as she put on her best customer service face. "I-I'm sorry ma'am, I don't think I understand what—"
"How can you not understand?! Trixie's livelihood is at stake!" Trixie spun wildly, her combover flopping to the side as she pointed accusedly at random ponies across the lobby. "Those pills were fake! A total sham! I probably didn't even buy them, you can't prove anything!"
"Ma'am, that's not—"
"How am I supposed to make end's meet if those pills made me look like this?" Trixie wildly shook her limp half-mane. "How am I supposed to keep TrixieCart LLC™ afloat if I can't put on any shows?!"
"Pills? C-cartel...?" The teller wore a fragile, shaky smile, even as her hoof reached for something under the desk. "Ma'am, if you're involved in any illicit dealings, perhaps, uhm, you should take your business elsewhere? I'm not sure ours is the best establishment for you."
Starlight, having helped up the poor pegasus Trixie had bowled over, returned to her marefriend's side. "Uhh, I think we should go."
"Agreed," the teller said.
"Agreed," the elderly pegasus said.
"Agreed," several ponies around the lobby said.
"Not agreed!" Trixie shouted. "Trixie isn't going anywhere! And y'know what?!" Blue waves of magic suddenly gripped the handles of the front door, freezing them solid in a block of ice. "Nopony's going anywhere! Not until Trixie gets her money!"
"Trixie!" Starlight tugged at her as red and blue lights began flashing outside. "I'm serious, we gotta get out of here!"
Trixie ignored her, turning her increasingly angry glare to the teller once more. "Bank pony! Trixie wants every single bit back! All three of them, right now!"
Rather than engage further, the teller quickly pressed an intercom on the wall behind her. "Help us!" she cried through the speaker as more police arrived. "There's a member of a drug cartel trying to rob us!"
With that, she hit the alarm button and ducked down, whimpering as a row of iron bars slammed down between her and the crazed unicorn across her desk. All over the lobby, various exits were shuttered by similar security measures, just as blaring sirens and a commanding voice echoed in through the windows.
"Listen up, you drug-dealing scumbag!" An officer barked through a megaphone. "Release the hostages or we will be forced to breach the building!"
"Hostages?!" Starlight gaped as she saw multiple armored wagons full of officers clad in tactical gear pull up outside. "That's it," she said, her horn beginning to glow. "Forget your bits, Trixie, I'm getting us out of here."
"No, wait!" Trixie bapped Starlight's horn. "Cool your stupid sexy flank, Starlight. Trixie's got this."
"Wha—no! No, you clearly don't!" Starlight shouted, gesturing to the growing force of police ponies besieging the building. "Bank robbing is a felony offense, Trixie! They're gonna put you in prison! For life! Maybe even longer!"
"It's fine! Trixie has this under control." Trixie poked her snout through the metal bars now lining the teller's desk. "Hey bank pony, you forgive me, right?"
The teller eyed her warily. "I—"
"Yeah, you forgive me." Trixie turned back to her marefriend and smiled. "See? That was easy! Twilight would be so proud."
"What about this situation could possibly make Princess Twilight proud?!"
"Obviously me being amazing at friendship and apologies and also everything else," Trixie said. "Now I can just tell the cops that things are fine, get my bits back, and we can go home." She nodded to herself and sauntered towards the door. "Hey, pigs! Hear that?! Everything's fine!"
"Nothing is fine!" Starlight called after her. "You can't gaslight gatekeep girlboss your way out of this, Trixie!"
At that, Trixie raised an eyebrow. "The hell is gaslighting?" She sneered. "Don't make up words, Starlight. You sound ridiculous."
Before Starlight could so much as open her mouth to reply, a brilliant flash accompanied by a deafening bang filled the lobby, sending her to the floor. What followed was a storm of shattering glass and gruff, angry shouts as a horde of police swarmed the building.
"H-hey! We worked it out—oof!" Trixie's voice cracked at the same moment one of her ribs did. "Ow! Hey! Trixie is a sovereign citizen, she has a right to—!"
The sound of tens of thousands of volts being delivered to a very loud unicorn's face finally quieted things down. As Starlight's vision slowly returned, she blinked around the room to see ponies sobbing and shaking while officers dragged an unconscious Trixie out through a broken window. They tossed her into the back of a locked wagon, her body flopping only slightly more than her terrible combover of a mane.
Starlight buried her face in her hooves, groaning. "I really hope they'll allow conjugal visits."
