Spike's 2 lives

by Pony guy

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Main 6, Other, Spike, Suicide / Self Harm
Length: 5199

Spike starts to feel depressed and might soon come to terms to committing the unthinkable.

after previous events that hurt him mentally Spike goes into a depression in which he thinks that the only cure is to permanently end his hurting.

warning this pic has attempted suicide and AB/DL themes. if this bothers you in anyway please turn back now!

Published 2022-11-01 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-10-23 17:31:02 UTC

The desicion

Author's Note

Hey there this is my first story so please mind any grammar mistakes I’m not that great when it comes to writing. Anyway hope you enjoy this story.

The desicion

Spike wondered around the crystal castle feeling down. He always thought he was useless to every one, including
Twilight. He always Considered himself a tool or a servant, whether it was sending princess Celestia a letter via his fire breath or having to clean the entire library by himself, Spike hated it. As he turned the corner and headed to his room he started to have a strange feeling, it wasn’t feeling happy or sad, it was like he had no emotion inside him, with only four words circling in his mind.

“Why do I exist?” This was a question that was bothering him for months. He hadn’t told Twilight our anypony yet, and was keeping himself distant from his friends. Twilight had asked about this after he stayed at home from special events such as modeling for Rarity so she could could make her friends special, sparkling dresses for the Grand galloping gala. Or going to look at a rare species of butterflies at Fluttershy’s cottage. He simply said that he wasn’t he good a wanted to stay home. Twilight was skeptical but decided not to force Spike into any activities. One day though was gonna change things for Twilight forever.

“Whew! Finally done dusting those relics, that took forever”

Spike was done for day and was more stressed than ever. His head was hurting, but not like a headache. It was like a feeling had never experienced before. But he couldn’t put his claw on it as he walked over to his bed, thinking that maybe a nap would clear his mind. As he settled in his small wicker basket he closed his eyes and fell into a deep slumber.

Spike then found himself outside of the castle with no idea of how he got there. He shrugged it off and made his way towards the doors, as he tried to pull on the handles to no avail he tried calling Twilight from the inside only to get no response.

“Twilight can you hear me?”

there was no answer. About to see if see was somewhere in Ponyvile, he was suddenly flung up to an open window hanging on the ledge where he saw Twilight and her friends sitting on their thrones by the map of Equestria talking. He peeked in to see and hear better, but what he heard next shocked him to the core.

“Hey Twi, might I ask why you still keep that little purple runt with you? Applejack questioned.

Twilight scoffed. “Because I want him to still think we love him. I still need to have someone naive and foolish enough to do whatever I say.” She and the other girls started laughing when Rainbow Dash spoke up.

“Yeah, who even likes that pint sized loser?. He can’t even fly, so he has to rely on our help to carry him. It’s even funnier to see him waddle behind us and occasionally trip on his on feet.”

Spike started to shed some tears as he looked behind him to and see no wings. He always assumed that he was just a late bloomer, a really late one that is.

Pinkie Pie giggled “remember when he was floating on a block of ice after that one winter wrap up? And he had to swim back shivering, which then lead him to him getting sick for two weeks? I couldn’t stop laughing for the entire weekend! He he.”

Fluttershy remarked “Yeah It almost makes me feel bad for him... Nah. He should go back to wherever that scaly freak came from.

Spike could feel his grip weakening as the insults felt like stones hitting him hard. What he heard next shattered his heart like glass.

“Do you guys know what I think of my little Spikey Wikey? I think it’s so pathetic that Spike tries to keep his crush for me a secret when everypony knows that I don’t love. Never has and never will. I just like using him to carry my stuff around. And the best part is because I always pack more than any pony would ever need. Everypony fell to the floor laughing at Raritys comment.

Spike felt queasy and light headed. He looked down below him and saw a black hole forming underneath him. More insults from his closest friends were being drowned out from a loud ringing in his ears.

“He makes all the party’s I throw seem uninspiring and boring.”

“He makes me feel 80% less cooler.”

“Lets send him to the everfree forest were monsters like him belong.”

“A rotten apple has more uses that Spike ever had”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if everypony in Equestria hated him.”

“The fact he considers me part of my family and an adopted big sister is so adorably stupid. I’m gonna get rid of him as soon as he’s no longer of any use to me. Heh, maybe I’ll toss him out to the Bad lands where any changelings will soak up the rest of the love that he had for us.”

Spike tried shouting at them to tell them he was sorry and please don’t get rid of me. But his mouth couldn’t move and them finally lost his hold. He fell with streams of tears running down his face, crying inside as the world crumbled before him into the darkness.

Spike woke up startled and scared, as he sat up in his bed realizing he must of had a nightmare. But if that was the case why didn’t princess Luna come? Spike put a claw to his cheek and it fell damp. So he got out of his bed and walked over towards a small mirror and saw that his eyes were red and puffy, tears stained his face and his lip was quivering.

“Why did I have these thoughts? What do they mean? Did his friends truly hate him? Was he hearing voices?

He couldn’t figure them out right now, he was still crying and shaking. He when into the kitchen to get some water, and when he just finished Spike looked outside from a window to see the night sky with the moon shimmering above. Thankful this window was on ground level, which was enough for him to release some tension and to push a chair and climb up and sit down looking into the darkness, alone.

Alone...

Darkness...

Why. Do. You. Exist.

As if a light bulb popped above head, he quietly went to the library and picked up a scroll, quill and some ink and put them in his room and grabbed a compass. Then walked back to the window and went to see where exactly the moon was. It was right in the middle of the sky while slowly drifting west. Spike assumed it was around 1:30 in the morning so he had some time to get ready, but also not dawdle. He grabbed the scroll and wrote a message to Twilight, the girls, and any pony else who would care to look at it. A few tears dripped on the paper as he finished, he then put the scroll in his bed and covered it with his blanket that he had kept back to when he was a hatchling. He then to the same window from before and climbed out of it. With the cool summer breeze and wet grass beneath him, he took one last look at old home in Ponyvile. Well not the oldest one anyway.

“I’ll miss you Mo- I mean Twi.”

And started his trek to the one place where he knew he could finally be free.

Gastly gorge.

Worried friends

Author's Note

Sorry for the long wait guys. I’ll definitely be finishing this story though. And in the second half the tone of the story will shift from dark to more of a slice of life kinda story.

Worried friends

As the night came to an end, Celestia used her magic to raise the sun for another warm sunny day. The residents of Ponyvile were all ready to begin their day with fun activities like going to the lake, tending ton their gardens and having picnics. That is except for a purple alicorn princess named, Twilight sparkle.

“Yawn”, she woke up from a deep slumber with sunken eyes and her mane all tangled. She crawled out of bed and looked in the mirror.

“Oh man, I look liked that time I tried to solve a friendship problem that I purposely caused.” She blushed when thinking about it, as she combed her mane to her preferred style, then headed to the kitchen to grab a drink. After opening the fridge she settled with some orange juice, as she poured herself a glass.

Suddenly a rainbow blur came flying thought the window scaring Twilight half to death, the pony was non other than Rainbow Dash. “Twilight what are you doing!? Did you seroiusy forget about our picnic were having down at Sweet apple acres?”

Twilights eyes widened, she had completely forgot about that. “Sorry about that Dash, I was really tired from these studies princess Celestia sent me. I’ll be there in a minute, I just need to get ready.”

Dash sighed in annoyance “Fine just hurry up.” she then turned around and flew back to the farm while Twilight when to her room go get her saddle bags. She was just ready not leave when she looked at spike’s room and thought that it was strange that spike was still sleeping past noon. She then thought that he didn’t sleep well since he was acting kinda off recently and wanted to give him something to cheer him up. She then wrote a note on a piece of paper and stuck it on the fridge. Then headed out to hang with her friends.

Twilight was soon trotting through town to have some nice quiet time with her friends. At last she came overlooking a small hill by Applejacks farm and saw them on a blanket eating and chatting.

“Hey girls, sorry I'm late” she said as she came down and sat between Rarity and Applejack.

“Finally”, Rainbow Dash said under her breath, which earned her a jab in the shoulder from Applejack.

“It's fine sugarcube. were just glad ya’ll could come and hangout with us.”

Pinkie Pie was shoving cupcakes into her mouth and spoke “Yeah ere vinale awble oo wav fn and lay, n eat dulish-“

“Pinkie! That is extremely rude and uncouth to talk with all that food in your mouth. You could have chocked! Now swallow and then talk.” Rarity said as she wiped some blue frosting off her coat with with a napkin. She shook her head in disbelief. “Honestly”.

Pinkie then swallowed all of the cupcakes in her mouth, licking her lips afterwards. “Sorry about that girls. I was just sooooooo excited for us to hangout together because it feels like it’s been forever since we last saw each other.

Rainbow Dash roller her eyes and sighed. “You do realize that we all went to try this new type of frosting at Sugarcube Corner 2 days ago right?”

“Anywho. What y’all been up to recently? Applejack asked trying to change the conversation.

They then all started talking about what had been new or interesting during the past few weeks. Topics consisted of Rainbow Dash getting her pet tortoise ‘Tank’ some roller skates to move around quickly, Applejack cutting off a small section of the orchard to give to the vampire bats, Fluttershy finding a extremely rare butterfly called the ‘Purple highflier’. And Pinkie Pie breaking her own personal record of juggling cupcakes (Her new best is 214). Rarity was about to tell her friends of opening a new boutique in Manehattan when she saw there was 1 friend missing.

“Where’s little Spikey Wikey? It’s been a while since we seen him. Is he alright Twilight, dear?”

“I’m not exactly sure. He’s been secluding himself from saying that he’s sick or just wants to be alone.”

“Well that doesn’t sound right. How long has he been like this Twilight?” Fluttershy asked with a worried expression on her face.

“A couple months. He said he needed space from everyone.”

Fluttershy’s expression worsened. “Really? Well I think we should check on him after our picnic. It’s not healthy to stay indoors all day with nopony around.

Applejack agreed. “Yeah, let’s go n’ see the little guy and see how he’s doing.

“Alright then let’s finish eating, pack and see what’s up with him.” Twilight announced. “Oh wait a sec, hey Pinkie.”

“Yeah”?

“I need a favor from you”

Meanwhile on outskirts of Ponyvile, Spike was walking through the Everfree Forest heading to his final destination. He wasn’t sure how long he was walking for, but it was probalby for a long while since the drake’s feet were aching with every step he took.

“Useless, useless, useless! Why am I even alive?! Who even loves me?!” Spike said out loud.

He Thought about Twilight and the girls and if they would miss him at all or even try to stop him from committing suicide. But he pushed those away as he finally came out of the Everfree Forest and saw that he was coming up on to the gorge. He was almost there.

“Just a little bit farther”

Spike was a little nervous about doing this. He even thought about going back and talking with Twi. But then he remembered all of the horrible memories he had experience. Spike had to push back the feeling of sorrow and fear so he can finally be free from the shackles that held him in his depressing cage.

Spike sniffled and was getting ready to jump thinking. “It’s better this way.”

Back in Ponyvile the pony’s were walking back to Twilight’s castle hoping to talk to Spike about what’s going on with him. As they came up to the castle doors Pinkie Pie came bouncing from behind.

“Hey Twilight, I got what you ordered.” She then pulled a cupcake with purple frosting and shredded fire ruby gemstone’s out from nowhere.

“Thank you Pinkie. Twilight then held the sugary treat with her magic. Hopefully Spike’s favorite type of cupcake will cheer him up.”

“Or even open up at all” Dash remarked.

They opened and closed the doors and started to make their way to Spike’s room. But strangely the door was still closed from when Twilight woke up. Rarity tried calling out to him but there was only silence.

“Spikey are you in there? Were worried about you, we haven’t seen you in nearly a month.

They opened the door only for there to be no dragon in sight. Now they were getting a little nervous so Twilight and the other’s went looking all around the castle. But he was nowhere to be seen. They regrouped back into Spike’s room to see if they could find a note or something. Fluttershy then noticed something lumpy under the drake’s blanket. She pulled back the covers to find a scroll.

“Girls I found something”.

Spike was looking down at basically nothing as he felt the cold wind on his scale's. He was in awe as he backed up a few feet and prepared to jump to his demise. He then thought back to his dream last night and all of the other bad times were he was hurt physically or emotionally.

Spike gritted his teeth in rage “They don’t care for me anyway. He said with almost no emotion in his voice.

“What is it Flutters?” Applejack asked curiously.

They went over to the small basket to read the scroll that Fluttershy found.

Dear Twilight

I’m sorry that I was so useless to you and everypony else. I’ve been nothing but a tool for you and it hurts me. I thought that I mattered to you but clearly not. I loved you like the mother that abandoned me before I even hatched . Tell the girls I loved them as well because your all like a big family that I have and need. My body will at ghastly gorge if you care to look for me.Goodbye I love you all

Sincerely Spike

After reading his suicide note the girls dropped it in horror. Their eyes were wide with shrunken pupils. With one quick glance at each other they gathered around Twilight and she teleported them to the gorge while blinking back tears.

They arrived at the gorge and looked around but didn’t see spike anywhere. They then looked down the cliff and could barely see a small purple dot with a hint of red.

“SPIKE!!!” Twilight and her friends yelled out in horror. With another teleportation spell they were now at the bottom. They could only scream in terror as they looked at Spike’s broken, bloody body.

Twilight used all her lung power to shout in desperation.

SOMEPONY, ANYPONY HELLLLLLLLLP!!!

Tears in their eyes

Spike closed his eyes as he jumped from the edge of the gorge. As he was falling, he ended up hitting a jagged rock head first about half way down. Then when he made impact with the ground, he felt all his bones snap like the twigs of a Timberwolf. As he was lying in agony, he couldn't scream, couldn't cry, and was breathing irregularly. After what had seemed like an eternity he finally blacked out.

Twilight was crying her eyes out as she cradled his broken body in her arms. She carefully put her ear on his chest to see that he was breathing, although abnormally. Her friends weren't doing any better with their eyes blinded by tears (and in Rarity's case, her mascara).

"Oh Sp- Sp- Spike... Im so sorry." Twilight said as she hiccuped.

Fluttershy knelt down to Twilight's side, rubbing her back.

"It'll be ok Twilight, I promise you. But right now we have to take him to a hospital so he can be treated."

"Ok" Twilight answered solemnly "Dash! take Spike and fly towards the hospital, but be carful, we don't know how bad his injuries are yet."

"Im on it!" replied the rainbow maned pegasus, as she gently took the mangled dragon from Twilight, and took off to Ponyvile General. As the ponies looked on with hope for the baby dragon, Twilight was still in shock, seemingly paralyzed. Pinkie trotted over and gave Twilight a tight but reassuring hug. Applejack walked over to as well and put her hoof on Twilight's back, making her look up.

"Listen to me Sugarcube, I'm just as confused and worried 'bout him too. But right now we need to be there for Spike. youneed to be there for him, okay?"

Twilight rubbed the tears out of her eyes, and gave her a small smile. "You're right. Thank you girls, I don't know what I would do without you." She then teleported everypony out of the ravine and back to the top of the cliff where they all ran towards the hospital. Silently praying that Spike would pull through.

Rainbow Dash soon reached the hospital where she spotted Nurse Red Heart walking down a long hallway. Rainbow Dash ran carefully towards her with Spike on her back, barely clinging to life.

"Nurse Red Heart, We nee your help!" Dash called out. Startling her in the process.

She turned around and was about to reprimanded Rainbow Dash for shouting inside the hospital. but when she saw Spike's, bleeding, broken body, her eyes went wide and immediately took Rainbow Dash to a gurney and carefully lifted him onto it. Then wheeled him to the ER with Rainbow left behind and escorted to the waiting room as Red Heart kept asking herself questions as to what happened.

At the time that Red Heart was taking Spike to the ER, Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie Pie had just came up to the hospital and wasted no time heading inside to find Spike. Inside they saw Rainbow Dash sitting in the waiting room with a glum look on her face.

"Rainbow, how's Spike? Is Nurse Red Heart here?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah she's with Spike in the ER."

Rarity came over with a look of concern on her face. "Will Spikey Wikey be... okay?

Rainbow Dash was about to answer when a unicorn doctor with an orange coat an dark red mane came into the waiting room. "Twilight Sparkle?" he called

Twilight nearly pounced on the doctor when he arrived but was held back by Rarity's magic. "How's Spike! Is he gonna be ok?!"

"He's about to head into surgery" the doctor replied bluntly

The six ponies felt their heart skip a beat when they heard that word.

"When can we see him?" Twilight asked while trying to remain calm.

The stallion shook his head. "My guess is in about 6-7 hours. We'll get you as soon as were done." the doctor the shut the double doors behind him.

Twilight and the others then sat with Rainbow Dash talking amongst themselves to try to distract hem from the time. Rarity and fluttershy were quietly sobbing, Pinkie Pie's mane looked like a deflated balloon, Rainbow Dash paced around the room trying to block out the mental image of what she had seen today, and Twilight was rocking back and forth in her chair, hyperventilating as Applejack slowly rubbed her back with her hat over her eyes, crying on the inside. After about four and a half hours later everypony except Twilight was asleep.

Finally at around 11:00pm, Nurse Red Heart came into the room and gently nudged Twilight, who was starting to nod off to sleep. Twilight slowly opened her swollen red eyes to see Nurse Red Heart smiling softly at her.

"Twilight. you and your friends can come and see Spike now if you're up for it."

The purple alicorn yawned and stretched her wings and thanked her as she woke up the rest of her friends as well. They all made their way to Spike's bed, and the sight of him lying there was depressing to say the least. Bandages were wrapped all around his body, an IV stuck in his left arm, his neck was in a brace and an oxygen mask was placed over his mouth. Fluttershy gently held his claw while the others were surrounded his bandaged body with love.

Twilight was soon asked to speak with Nurse Red Heart privately about how did he get injured like that. to which Twilight told her the whole story from the beginning. The way he was isolating himself from her and everypony else, to finding the scroll with his suicide note written on it, and to finally finding his body at the bottom of Ghastly Gorge.

"And that's where we are right now." Twilight concluded.

Nurse Red had a mix sympathy and horror on her face when Twilight was done talking. "Oh that poor baby dragon, suffering from suicide ideation no less. It must of been horrible seeing Spike in that condition." She came forward and wrapped her forelegs around the alicorn giving her a hug to which Twilight returned. Pulling her away from Twilight she began to tell her about Spike's condition.

"Spike is extremely lucky to be alive. He has a concussion, internal bleeding, severed arteries, broken jaw, five cracked ribs, with one that ended up puncturing his stomach, and his vertebrae was dislocated. After doing a CAT scan we hypothesized that Spike must of hit something on the way down through the gorge, like a branch or something else sticking into the side of the canyon."

Twilight's face and mood was seemingly normal on the outside. But on the inside she was screaming and wailing about what she had just heard from Red Heart. But that was only the tip of the iceberg.

Nurse Red Heart sighed in sadness as she continued. "We also saw red markings that looked like they were made with a straight razor. Judging by how many scars he had we could only assume that he had been doing this for around six months or so."

Twilight stared at her wide eyed hoping that she misheard what had just been said. But she knew that Nurse Red Heart was serious. "How many?"

Red Heart tilted her head in confusion "hmm."

Twilight felt like she was gonna throw up. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and asked again. "How many... scars from him cutting himself were there.

Red Heart couldn't look Twilight in the eyes so she turned her heads towards the floor "...About a dozen." She said while blinking back tears. "And those were only the ones we could see from eye level."

Twilight couldn't take it anymore and ran back to Spike. Collapsing by the foot of his bed and crying her eyes out. Her friends remained close but as not crowd her. Nurse Red Heart stood by the door watching the sad scene fold in front of her. Twilight stayed like this for ten minutes until she finally spoke.

"I failed as a big sister."

Her friends turned to face her with a bit of surprise. Fluttershy came up to Twilight and tried to reassure her. "That's not true Twilight. None of us could've predicted that he would be suffering from depression."

"I could've asked him if he was okay, or maybe payed more attention to him. Instead I was more invested into reshelving my books for the umpteenth time!"

Twilight broke down crying again. "He's just a babydragon. But I make him clean the library, cook our meals, do every single chore around the castle!" Twilight was barely holding herself together as she was trying to think of anyway that she could be a better big sister to him.

Nurse Red Heart finally made herself known as visiting hours were way past overdue. She hated to send visitors back home, especially Twilight and her friends. But she had to let the patients rest and the night staff to do their jobs. So after a heartfelt an tearful goodbye, especially from Twilight and Pinkie, the main six departed the hospital and headed back home to get even a wink of sleep.

It was past midnight when Twilight returned to her castle and she was exhausted from the long day she had. As she walked through the corridors leading to her bedroom the underwhelming silence in the castle made her realize how much more lively everything was with Spike around.

When she got to her room she passed out on her bed having exhausted all her energy crying her eyes out. As she slept, she pondered to herself about Spike and how to give him the love and care that he so desperately needed from her. When suddenly a shadowed figure came through a portal of light, and Twilight knew exactly who this could be.

"Princess Luna? I thought that you only enter somepony's dreams when there is a nightmare happening." Twilight asked confused.

The Lunar Princess gave a small smile as she came forward. "Hello Twilight Sparkle, the reason i've been called to your dream is that you seem to be contemplating something of great stress. that's why I'm here as clearly something- or should I say someone is keeping a restful night at bay.

Twilight stared at Princess Luna in surprise. "You know about what happened?"

Luna closed her eyes and nodded her head slowly. "Yes. Your friends are all having nightmares about Spikes injuries. And I'm deeply sorry to hear about what happened to him. But your dreams are in a connate state of unwanted flux. So tell me, what are you thinking of in relation to what have befallen on young Spike?"

The Purple Alicorn sighed as she told Luna her worries for when or ifSpike would make a full recovery and what she should do to make Spike feel safe and loved. Luna listened to her fellow princess with understanding as she felt she had an idea to make sure Spike would be loved and cared for like the baby dragon that he is.

"I think I have an idea that would make sure that little Spike would never have to fear if he wasn't loved and cared for by you." Luna said with a sincere smile.

"Really?" Twilight asked with hope. She would do anything to help heal Spike's mental and physical scars. "What is it?"

"Remember when you and your friends helped free me from Nightmare Moon's control? Well during the months that followed I was essentially regressed into a filly as I had not aged during my imprisonment in the moon for a thousand years. So when I returned with Celestia to Canterlot I was scared of what pony's had thought of me during the millennium that I was gone. So I hid myself from the rest of Equestria Inside the castle walls, only letting my sister see me. She saw that I wasn't thinking I was cared for around here anymore, so she sought to ease my fears by taking care of me when I was a foal. After a few months of being nurtured and protected by my sister I felt as if I was truly loved by not only Celestia, but by the rest of Canterlot as well.

Twilight wasn't following though. "But how does that help Spike?"

"I think that you should Regress him. Back to before he hatched from his egg. This will reassure him that you care for him like a parental figure, he'll grow up know that you'll always be there for him and he won't ever feel like he was neglected all his life. Plus you were possibly the closest choice to his real mother."

Twilight understood now what Princess Luna was talking about as she smiled and nodded her head in agreement. Slightly blushing as she never really parented Spike when he was a hatchling. Usually her mother or Princess Cadence took care of him when he needed to be feed or changed. But Twilight never lest understood that Princess Luna was right. He needed a loving mother to care for him.

Twilight went and gave Her fellow Princess a hug and thanked her for the idea as she knew that this is what Spike needed most right now. "you're a lifesaver Luna."

The dark blue alicorn smiled and left through another portal, leaving Twilight all alone as she finally let her worries leave her and had a peaceful slumber as she thought about Spike and hoped that her friends would support her through this life changing decision with only thought remaining.

'Momma will be here for you Spike. Momma will be right here.'

Author's Note

Sorry for the long wait, this was originally finished in August but I decided to include Princess Luna to give Twilight a more valid reason to regress Spike. Anywho hope you enjoyed and have a great rest of your day folks.:twilightsmile: