Pinkie Pie's No-Nos

by gapty

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Mayor Mare, Pinkie Pie
Length: 2076

Twilight Sparkle gets chased by ponies from Ponyville wearing robes. Why? She doesn't know, but Mayor Mare has already a hunch who is behind it.

Twilight Sparkle gets chased by ponies from Ponyville wearing robes. Why? She doesn't know, but Mayor Mare has already a hunch who is behind it: One certain pink mare.

Originally written for the Bean's Writing Group prompt "The New Cult".

Huge thanks to Punished Bean for proofreading and CasualReader for grammar checking this fic!

Published 2022-09-01 21:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-09-01 21:20:01 UTC

The Bucket Cult

Breathing heavily, Twilight galloped away from the mob chasing her. She knew that ponies had a strong group mentality, but what was currently going on took it to the next level. These ponies in black or red robes were everywhere. No matter the street or corner she turned to, there was another group of them seeing and chasing after her. She could have tried her new teleportation spell, but she has no idea where she should be teleporting to begin with.

“The unbeliever has emerged! Cutie Mark Crusaders, after the book nerd!”

Foals too? Whatever was going on, it had affected almost everypony in Ponyville. Twilight weaved left, then right as the crowd closed in — then she jumped over the three fillies and continued galloping. At last, she saw somepony not in robe waving at her from a window. She turned in that direction and ran through the open door, which the pony quickly closed after her.

Twilight splayed on the ground, breathing heavily, hoping her lungs would stop feeling like they were on fire. A couple of breaths later, she finally saw the cup of water being hooved to her. Twilight grasped it with her magic. At the last gulp, she looked at the other pony and saw that it was Mayor Mare.

“What is going on?” Twilight asked. “Why is everypony suddenly in robes and chasing after me?”

“I don’t know, but—”

“They even caught Fluttershy and Rarity! I don’t want to imagine what they did to them. Why is Rainbow on their side?”

“I think…”

“We need to do something! Is this a magic spell? I need to go back to the library to research it!”

“Twilight Sparkle! Could you listen to me for one second!” Mayor Mare interrupted her and, after Twilight remained silent, continued speaking. “I know you are new here, so you might not know it yet, but if anything happens here, we first need to check if a certain… mare was the reason for this.”

“A certain mare?" Twilight blinked. "Who do you—" she paused, then took a deep breath. "Do you mean Pinkie Pie?! I mean, she is weird in her way, but this couldn’t be her fault. Right?”

“You haven’t even seen half of it,” Mayor Mare said ominously, trotted to another room and went to a painting on the wall. She pushed it to the side, revealing a solid steel door with a rotary lock. She spun the dial left and right and the safe clicked open. Twilight peeked inside, and to her consternation saw nothing but a couple of cupcakes. The mayor took one and covered the safe again, then placed the cupcake on a table.

Suddenly, a pink pony emerged from a nearby vase. She jumped to the table and after an “Oh, a cupcake!” consumed the pastry in one bite.

“Pinkie Pie, explain!” Mayor Mare said with a threatening voice.

“Don’t you know, silly? Whenever you put a cupcake on this table—”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about! Why is everypony in robes and chasing after other ponies?!”

“Ohhh, you mean that! Why didn’t you say it in the first place?” Pinkie grinned widely. “See, I wanted to throw a party, but no one goes to my parties if I don’t have a reason to have a party, and in a Party Just Because no one is interested, so I had to come up with a reason and my first idea was to take one pony from another town and make them voluntarily move into Ponyville, but then I remembered that you would count it as ponynapping so I had to come up with another reason and then I saw a bucket lying on the ground and so I had the idea to start a bucket cult so I could then throw a New Cult Party and that’s why everypony is now recruiting new members!”

With every word, Twilight was getting more and more dumbfounded. By the end of the tirade, she had to sit down to digest what Pinkie was saying. It really was all her fault? All of the scares and running away from ponies was because Pinkie wanted to throw a party? Twilight knew that Pinkie Pie was crazy, but this took it to another extreme.

However, Mayor Mare was less surprised hearing that and only sighed in reply.

“Seriously?”

“What? You can join the cult too and then we will have a super duper amazing New Cult Party at our super duper secret meeting place!”

“You let your members catch other ponies in town and force them to join your cult!”

“Well, duh, how else can I get new members for my cult? Are you interested in joining it? Do you know how amazing the bucket is? It can do sooo many things you can’t even imagine—”

“Pinkie Pie!” Mayor Mare interrupted her. “What are your rules about ponynapping?”

“Hey! The rules say that I am not allowed to do it! Not that others can’t do it for me!”

“Looks like we have to add another rule to the list then,” Mayor Mare said and went to a book to pick it up.

“Ergh, meanie!”

“I told you not to call me that.”

“What rules?” Twilight asked in between, having no idea what rules they were talking about.

“A bunch of no-nos for me,” Pinkie Pie scoffed, “because she can’t understand how to have fun!”

“Pinkie,” the Mayor groaned. “These rules are made specifically for you because otherwise you would harm others! You would cause all kinds of property damage and stress to ponies. Do you really think anypony beside you would enjoy that?” Mayor Mare put the book down on the table Pinkie was still sitting on. On its cover stood in hoofwritten letters Things Pinkie Pie Isn’t Allowed to Do.

“No, they wouldn’t,” Pinkie muttered. “I want ponies to have fun.”

“Which is why we need these rules,” the mayor tried to smile at the now deflated pink mare.

“Does everypony have a personal list of rules?” Twilight asked curiously.

“No, only for me. Bleugh.” Pinkie let her tongue stick out and jumped off the table.

Mayor Mare turned to the last written page and took a fever and ink.

“See, we’re already at rule number thirty-seven. Hm…”

She thought for a second before starting to write.

“37. ‘Pinkie Pie is not allowed to start a cult just to make a cult party.’”

“Isn’t that too specific?” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie, would you start a cult for any other reason?”

“Of course not, why should I? Forming a cult…”

“Stop talking and dissolve this Bucket cult now before anypony else gets harmed.”

“On it!” Pinkie Pie jumped back into the vase she had emerged from. Twilight was around her long enough to not think about that at least.

“Mayor Mare?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“May I take a look at that list?”

“Of course. I need a warm drink to calm down, I’ll be right back.”

The mayor left the unicorn alone in the room with the book, which Twilight started to read from the very beginning. These were definitely not the usual rules one could find in law books, even beginning from the first one. When the mayor returned, Twilight blurted out:

“Why is Pinkie Pie not allowed to drink coffee?”

As soon as she asked, she knew why; Pinkie Pie was already way too hyperactive, her consuming a drink, making sure she gets even more energy, would only result in a catastrophe. Yet, seeing the mayor’s reaction surprised her.

Mayor Mare stood still, not moving a single muscle in her body, only her mouth slowly opening wider and wider. Her eyes were also wide open, staring in the emptiness in shock. Calling her name or even touching her didn’t release her from her motionlessness, and soon Twilight saw drops of sweat dripping from her body. Before Twilight could ask anything, Mayor Mare screamed.

Twilight closed her eyes with her hooves and called for her to stop, but it went on for several minutes. Finally, the Earth pony’s screams broke into a coughing fit.

“Mayor Mare! Please calm down!” Twilight yelled.

Mayor kept coughing, but seemed to have calmed down from the shock she just went through.

“Sorry, I… Let’s not talk about what happened.”

“But…”

“We didn’t know what would have happened. We shouldn’t have given her that drink…” Her left eye blinked repeatedly.

Before the mayor could return to her shocked state, Twilight quickly changed the topic.

“Ehm, what about rule six? About Pinkie not being allowed to change the law books?”

“This? Oh, I remember it as if it was yesterday. I heard some shuffling in this room and when I entered I saw Pinkie Pie writing in the city’s law book. She wanted to make sweets a right for everypony, which may seem innocent, but will only lead to a huge financial crisis, not even speaking about the health issues it will cause. Later on, she even tried to write in this book, but that’s now forbidden for her too.”

“I see, this seems pretty harmless compared to the other rules.”

“It’s the only thing controlling her. And my sanity.” Mayor Mare took a long sip from her tea. “You would have to see the chaos she caused in the first month she came over…”

“Wait,” Twilight pointed at rule eleven. “Pinkie was the one who changed Princess Celestia’s uniform to a rabbit costume?”

“Yes. I have no idea why Celestia didn’t punish her, but seeing her in that costume… You have no idea how scared I was. In hindsight, I now know that I wasn’t at all guilty for Pinkie’s action and wouldn’t get any punishment; Celestia only wanted to make sure that that rule would be written out too.”

“So she knew Pinkie Pie before I knew Pinkie…?” Twilight thought out loud. She shook her head and continued to rule twelve, which stated that Pinkie was not allowed to put sleeping pills in Celestia’s drink to “keep the party rocking”.

“Yes, I had several visits by the highness regarding her. I think the Princess is in her own way enjoying Pinkie’s weirdness. She is always in a good mood whenever that pink mare does something again.”

“Interesting.” Twilight took a mental note to ask her teacher more about Pinkie and these incidents.

Suddenly, somepony knocked on the door. A split-second later, Pinkie Pie entered the room.

“Hi, it‘s me again! Look, I know how I am not supposed to start a cult and all that and I still didn’t get to make the party I wanted, so I wanted to enroll in a new religion called the Bucketers. We believe in The Bucket being the answer to all the questions in the universe and our goal is that everypony should have a bucket. Oh, Twilight, are you interested in joining our new religion? Tonight we will have a super duper Founding of the Bucketers party!”

Twilight stared at Mayor Mare, who plumped down and was looking dumbfounded at Pinkie Pie. Then she stood up and went straight to the book, opening to the last rule.

“37. Pinkie Pie is not allowed to start a cult just to make a cult party.
a. This also includes starting a new religion.”

There is nothing better than a calm morning with sunshine and birds singing outside. Truly better than being chased by manipulated ponies into a bucket cult. There was no party after that sadly for Pinkie Pie, but for Twilight it was for the best. She preferred the quietness in the mornings where she could finish her checklists.

Suddenly, the door opened and Pinkie Pie entered the room.

“Hi, Twilight! Look, I found a new book and I’m sure that you will like it! Can I read it for you? I’m so excited to hear what you will think about it!”

“Of course!” Twilight beamed. “Let me just sit down and make the tea for us.”

Pinkie sat down, put the book on the table and, once the tea was served, read loudly for Twilight to hear.

“A ‘clopfic’ written by BestFanShipperEver. The day started normally as Twilight was going to visit Rainbow Dash…”

38. Pinkie Pie is not allowed to read “clopfics” to anypony.

Author's Note

The fic is based on my blog post "100 Things Pinkie Pie Isn't Allowed to Do".