Havoc

by Weeeman

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Discord, Human, Diamond Dogs, Screwball, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character
Length: 200993

A brony is sent to the Equestria as a draconequus minor. He will have to learn to control his unstable powers in order to survive in a hostile land where neither mortal nor gods will hesitate to kill him if it suits them.

My name is Havoc, or that's what I am called now. I used to be a human like you, but then a vengeful goddess turned me into a draconequus minor and sent me to Equestria. "What is a draconequus minor?" you might ask. Well, it's a mortal and weaker version of a real draconequus, like a pony to an alicorn, or a demigod to a god.

Most of my memories of my human life have faded away, even my own name. Equis, the world in which Equestria is only a nation, is not the peaceful utopia I expected. Ponies share this world with bloodthirsty beasts and evil creatures, and I am one of the worst now.

I can feel what's left of my sanity slipping away, so I am telling myself, and anyone who might listen out there, everything I can remember in hopes that doing so will hold back the madness.

[This story's setting is based on the Chess Game of the Gods universe, but it is non-canon so it won't follow the main storyline.

Thanks to Komodo23 for the awesome cover art and to Reaper1543 for proofreading this piece of garbage.]

Published 2012-10-31 05:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-22 19:10:56 UTC

0: Never Trust Anons

((AN: The main character uses past tense to tell the story, but sometimes he uses present to comment the events he describes or say something about his current state. Text in italic represents what he thought right there and then, not what he thinks while narrating.))

I͟ ͠h̸o͞pé ͠t̨h̷i͡s̡ i̸s͠ w̶or̛ki̛ņg. ̵W̡e̡ll,̛ ̡it̨’s͝ ͝n͞o͡t ̛li̸ke I҉ w͢il͜l͝ ͟ever k̢no̢w̵ un͡ļe͠ss ͝I brįn̸g ̨a̶ c͢o͟m̴p͡ųt́e͝r ́he͠r͝e.͘ I̢f yǫù a͜re ͢read̡ing̀ ̶th͝i͝s,̕ ̶yo̷u͡ are pr͘òb̷a͢b͞l͟y̸ ̡a̴ńot̸he̷r̕ b̕r͟o̕n͞y͟ ̕b͢rowsi͢n̨g̵ fi͢mfict͢io҉n͞ o̷r̵ ȩv͞en ̶E̕q̀ue̶st͠ri̸a ̀Da̸i͏l҉y, ͟ḿa̡y҉bè ͏aǹ ͜a̶ut̛h͠o͝r͢ ̀having ̷a͢ bu̴rs̸t҉ o̕f͟ ̷insp͜i͜r̶ąt̵i̸on̷, ̨I̡ ͞ha͠v҉e ̀ǹo ͡ide̶a. Ỳou ͘m҉u͏st ̨kn͝o͝w th͘a̴t ͘I ͞am̕ re͏aļ ҉and͘ ̴t͞h̶ìs ͟i͠s̶ n͠ǫt a͜no͏t̵he̸r st̵u̢pid sto̷r̢y. Wel͞l,̨ y͘o͝u͟ are̸n̨’t̨ ͝goi͢n͠g͝ ̢t͡o b́èli̸eve ͏m̢e, ͝so҉ ͏w̧hy ͝bother̢? ͝I̷ ̸wi̛l҉l̴ j͠ust̷ tell̴ ̕my st̡òry a̢nd ͢ho̶pe ͘i̛t͞ ̸do̧es ąny͜ go͏ơḑ. H͝m.͘.̶.̵ ̀I̢ think̡͘ I'm ̵dǫi̵n̸g ̷it wr̕o̴n͝g.

Yeah, this is more like it.

My memories of my human life have been slowly fading over time. I have forgotten my name, my family, my age, and even how I looked like. What I remember is that I was a brony reading fanfiction on google docs when that little chat on the top right corner started blinking. Curious, I opened it and found that another anon was reading the same story and was asking me about my opinions. We started a conversation which eventually made us forget about the story, and we learned a lot about each other. After a few weeks we started talking to each other on Skype about ponies. This anon was a thirty-something years old woman named Shay Nimrod, which struck me as odd (the age, the name would come later), but I wasn’t one to judge, being a twenty-something fan of My Little Pony myself. She also lived in the same town I did, something I thought was a really lucky coincidence.
One fateful day, she told me that a friend of hers had set up a brony meeting in our town, and she asked me to come, as I had told her that I didn’t know any other brony in person. I agreed to go to the meeting, a decision I would soon regret.

We met at the accorded place, and that’s when I started smelling something fishy. My fellow brony was still the same kind-of-attractive woman I had seen on the photos she shared with me, but her clothing was off. It was as if she had tried to make her clothes as mismatching as possible on purpose.
'OK, she’s a bit weird, that’s kind of expected when dealing with people from the Internet, right?'
I thought as she led me to a building. It was one of those big city buildings which have big and luxurious apartments hidden behind a bland outside. We reached a door and she knocked following an odd pattern. Weeeeird. A young man whose clothes clashed even more than Shay’s opened the door, and introduced himself as Codas Nines. Such a weird name made me think they were using aliases, but I gave it no importance. He guided us to a dark living room where at least ten other people were watching “Return to Harmony” on TV. Codas whispered to me that we would make the introductions after the episode ended.
We watched both episodes without pause. I felt rather awkward, sitting between two men I didn’t know and watching ponies. What if they start clopping or something? I think this wasn’t such a good idea. Near the end of the second episode, one of them asked me in a whisper: “Would you like to go to Equestria?”

“Yeah, why not?” I said, and suddenly I felt a sharp pain between my neck and my shoulder. I tried to get up but my muscles didn't obey my command. I was unconscious before my head hit the floor.

I woke up handcuffed to some kind of altar, surrounded by the other bronies in a strange room. They had apparently splashed all the sorts of paint they could find against the walls. The mix of colors increased the headache I already felt throbbing, sending waves of pain into my head. I had never been so scared before, and I tried to break free with no success.

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit this looks just like a satanic sacrifice ritual. I don’t want to die!!!

“What’s going on?!” I cried, struggling so hard against the handcuffs that I started bleeding.

Then I realized that they were chanting. It wasn’t a chorus in a dead language, or archaic English. In fact, each one sang with his own rhythm and lyrics. It was English, I think, but resembled more what you would hear if you took an old text to speech program, recorded what it said on a scratched CD, and then played it on the radio, only to be heard by someone with interferences. That is why I didn’t understand a single word of what they said. Shay came to me, wielding one of those daggers with a wavy blade, a kris dagger.

“Wait! Please I haven’t done anything, don’t kill me!!!” I screamed in desperation.

“M̵̡̛̻̬͓͔͔̫̼͍̙̻̫̹̭̫̯̿ͦͭ̊͂ͭͨ͛a͇̰̱̙̞̥̯̦̥͉̱̞̒ͤͯ̋̽͋̉ͪ̍̆̑̐̓̚͢͜k̸ͧ̓ͥͪ͆̇ͧͩ͑͑ͥ͆͏̭̳͓̗̘̜̠̳̩̜ͅe̪̲̞͐ͮ͑ͫ̎̊̿ͪ̀͐̐ͥ͊̐͌ͧ̋ͥ̕͢͝͠ ̛̀̌ͨͨ͐̄̇ͧͩ̈̚͏̢̨̠̠̭̘͖͔̘̠͉̼͎̘͝u̶͔̙̼̙͈̯͖͔̰̫̠̦̤͔͓̼̭̽͐͛̓̏̊̍̂̎̿ͬ̎̔͒̏̒̓̄́͘s͕̙͕̦̦̗͇̤̬̮̞͍͇̗̩ͣ̊̽̋̕͝͠ ̵̨̧̧̗̺̫̯͍͉͖̻̖̲͔̫͉̺̖̜̃ͪ̔̎ͨ̈̓̑ͩ̃̓ͧ̒͂̂͌̋̚͟w̿̏̄̋̐҉̣͙͎̮̩̳̩̕͟h̨̨̢̥̯̖̯̦̜ͫ̍͂ͪ̉ͭ̉͑͒ͦ͋̏͂͂̔͑̕̕o̢̾̈́̋͌͛̔͛͑͞͏͕̗̬͉͕̯̝̲̭̼ḷ̴̷͙̦̹ͬ͛̔̈́̉̃ͤ̏ͦͨ́͗̈́́e̛̱̪͍̤͙̫̼̮͚̣̙͚͎ͨ̎̍̽̈ͦ̔ͤ̍͋́ͣ̋̓̎͠ ̊͊̾ͦͫ͝͏͘҉̡͉̮̳̠̦͓̪̪͙̠͕̼̙̳̣̞a͙̮̫̬̯̫̰ͧͥͩ͛̐̇̍͐͛̚͢͡ģ̬̥̩̙̙̜̖̩͙̖̣ͣ̌ͩ̍̚͝a̷̷̙̣̠̥̰̱̳̻̹̣̬͛͗ͧ͆ͦ̃͆̒̄ͣ͂͒̈ͧ̊ͦî̈́̽̿ͧ̉̔ͦ̇̏ͫ̍̓̇̔́͏̶͙͙̠͕̞̖͇̦̪͔͞͡ͅn̴̵͙̤̤̠̞̹̪̜̩̮̫̖̓̔͋͛̄͌̌͒ͬ̀͡!̛̥̭̣̼̘͎̠͙̼̝͉͎͌̆ͪ̓̇ͯ̃ͥ̀̀̈͗ͅ” she screamed as she stabbed me with both hands. Her voice sounded wrong, like it didn't belong to her, like my ears weren't meant to listen to such sound, and it somehow made me feel as much pain as the dagger that pierced my body.

For those who have never experienced it: being stabbed in the heart hurts, and so does dying. I felt like being swallowed by a whirlpool of boiling water with floating rocks as my vision was clouded by darkness. I don’t know how much it lasted, like that time I rode a rollercoaster when I was a child and kept my eyes closed the entire time. I felt almost grateful when I was engulfed in darkness and lost my consciousness.

I woke up again, feeling nothing at first, not even my own heartbeats. A few seconds later my entire body started waking up. First my head, allowing me to open my eyelids and realize I was lying down on my stomach, then my neck and torso. After that my arms, legs, wings and tail. Wait, wings and tail? Of course, when I started feeling my own wings and tail I freaked out and turned my head to the left to have visual confirmation. That was a mistake, as my neck seemed to have grown ten times longer, so it made me drag my head across the dirt in a painful manner, but it allowed me to see my body. The first thing I saw was fur, lots of dark brown fur covering a strong torso. Then wings, a leathery brown wing and a feathered one. The leg I could see from my current position was a huge frog leg. A tail that was like the body of a rattlesnake, rattle included, was attached to the body. I was too shocked to think clearly, and when I tried to cover my eyes with my arm (hoping it was all a bad dream and I could close my eyes until I woke up) something like a tree branch hit me in the face. It was my left arm, which was some kind of wood-like appendage, which even had leaves and long thin branches that moved like fingers. To cap it all, everything was cartoonish, with a freaking OUTLINE.

Loading Brain\reason\understanding.exe
Executing...
...
...
A problem has been detected and your mind has been shutdown to prevent damage to your brain.

For a full minute I stood completely immobile, trying to understand what had happened to me. I remembered the false bronies, the weird ritual and the unbearable pain.

“Please don’t tell me I am in Equestria,” I muttered, then I did a double take as my voice had changed, too.

“Yo dawgs I herd you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while u drive,” I sounded like Sheogorath! This needs further testing. “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to FIND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON,” I had even lost my accent! Now I have this ridiculously exaggerated mix of Scottish and Irish accent.

I managed to control my body and sit, confirming that the odd mix of body parts belonged to me. I took a good look at my body. I had the torso of a bear, or something similar, with a lot of brown fur. My left arm was... How to call it? Tree arm? Spriggan arm? Silvary arm? Ent arm? That will work. My right arm, I discovered, was that of a diamond dog. I didn’t know at first that it was indeed that of a diamond dog, as I just saw a strong and long arm that made me think about furries. My left leg still was a frog leg, while my right one was a cheetah leg. I wondered how I was supposed to walk with such mismatching extremities, or if I could even stand in a bipedal position. My rattlesnake tail was behind me, and I had to laugh when I managed to rattle it. Coming out from my back were my two wings, the right one looked like a brown dragon’s wing, while the left one was an owl’s.
The only thing left was my face. I had subconsciously refused to acknowledge the grayish muzzle I could glimpse when I looked down, but now I had to do it for my own sake. Moving my mismatched arms with care I felt my face. I noticed that my ent arm didn’t have sense of touch, so I used just my right arm. I noticed that I had horns, the left one was a bull’s horn, while the right one was something large and odd. After a few seconds I came to the conclusion that it was a moose’s horn. I touched my face, and it felt weird. I had a long muzzle, like a horse or a goat, but I had long and sharp teeth. What the fuck has happened to me?
I also found that I had no genitalia, but I still had anus (don’t ask how I found out). I guessed it was more like a bird’s cloaca, which serves to pee and poo at the same time or something like that. Bleugh.

At this point, I was convinced I was either dreaming or dead. The options I had in mind were that I was:

Dead. Is this some sort of afterlife?

Sleeping/unconscious on the altar and about to be sacrificed to some deity.

Sleeping while the other bronies watch MLP.

Suffering a coma in a hospital, like that guy in that HiE fanfic I read a long time ago.

Tripping balls.

Alive in Equestria as some sort of chimaera creature.

I decided to leave those musings for later and focus on the more immediate problems: learning what I could do with my new body and where I was. First I tried to stand on two legs, it didn’t work. I kept on losing balance, so bipedal position was discarded for the moment. Then I tried magic, but I had no idea how to do it, so I just wasted three minutes thinking very hard about rising a stone. Flying wasn’t viable, either, as my mismatched wings were unable to keep me floating, but I could propel myself a few meters upwards. Walking on my four extremities was an awkward activity, with running fast being totally out of my possibilities. More testing let me know the strength of each of my body parts. All of them were pretty logical, so I won’t lose time describing them. I'll make an exception for the ent arm, which is the oddest part of my body, as it's very strong but fast movements are impossible. It felt really weird, having a part of your body that reacted to your mental orders slower than the others. My senses were pretty much the same I had as a human, or maybe keener.

“Ugh, this body is not noobproof,” I told myself.

I decided that I could try to do magic later, as I had yet to take a good look at my surroundings. I was in some sort of plowed field, with no vegetable life to be seen and some big rocks around. I could see the sun rising on what I assumed was East, as well as a forest in the distance and a few buildings (a house and a silo, to be precise) next to it. There was nothing around that could give me sense of scale, so I didn’t know yet how big I was. I decided to go towards the small house and silo to solve that enigma.
I hadn’t taken more than ten steps towards it when I heard something behind me. I turned back and I saw a gray pony with a mane that screamed "emo" to me peeking from behind one of the rocks. I thought two things at the same time: ‘I really am in Equestria!’ and ‘is that one of Pinkie Pie’s sisters?’

“Uh...” I said in a display of my great social skills and capacity of improvisation, “good morning?”

She suddenly jumped towards me, wielding a freaking pitchfork!

“Begone, foul beast!” she shouted.

I would like to tell you how I outwitted her, or how I made her my friend, or how I defeated her without harming her. However, that was not what really happened.

“Careful there! That thing looks sharp!” I exclaimed, stepping backwards while she advanced towards me. Shit, she means business!

I heard hoofsteps behind me. When I turned back I found three more ponies, which were Pinkie’s unmistakable parents and other sister, wearing more pitchforks and torches.

“Don’t let it escape, Inkie!” shouted the father. SHIT! They really mean business! I have to get out of here!

I propelled myself as high as I could and I glided above Inkie, landing on all fours a few meters behind her like a fat and clumsy cat. Then I ran so slow it was pathetic. They were quickly crossing the distance and soon they would surround me again. I felt a sharp pain in my back, and I saw a pitchfork stuck to my body. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound.

“THAT HURT, FUCKING PONY!” I shouted as I pulled it out and threw it back to them. Great, I just gave them back a weapon so they can throw it again.

Why do I have this stupid, useless body? If I were a cheetah I could escape with no problem. I felt a surge of heat and a strange feeling coming from my right leg as I thought how badly I wanted to be a cheetah. Suddenly I WAS a cheetah, running faster than any other non-flying creature. I sprinted towards the nearest trees, hoping to lose them in the woods.
When I was sure they couldn’t see me thanks to the trees I wished I were a rattlesnake, hoping it would work. It did, so I stopped being a cheetah, and I became a rattlesnake. I could somehow move my new body with total ease, as if I had been born a snake, so I hid in a small hole below a rock. I heard the ponies running past my location, trying to find me. Ten minutes later I heard them again, this time walking back. Being a snake was interesting, what with the ability to taste/see with your tongue and all, but I decided to leave when I was the only one around.

I have been here for less than an hour and I have already been chased off by four ponies that weren't even half my size, I hate the universe. I pushed back such an embarrassing idea and I thought about being a draconequus again, which made me return to the original form. I found that the wound was still there, but I had not noticed it in my other two forms. So, can I transform into anything or what? My right leg turned me into a very small green frog. My torso turned me into a grizzly bear and my left wing into a white owl. I noticed I couldn’t talk when I asked “Who?” and tried to answer “your mum” to myself. Then my right wing turned me into a brown teen dragon, with wings and horns and all of that, which disappointed me because I hoped to become a huge fire breathing adult beast the size of a skyscraper. My horns turned me into a black moose and a dark blue bull, which was another disappointment as I was hoping to become a minotaur.

I decided to leave the tree arm for the last, so my right arm turned me into a diamond dog. I had been walking into the forest as I kept on morphing, so I almost fell into a timely placed river. I saw my own reflection, and I looked pretty much like a mix of gorilla and dog, with a blue tongue and gray fur. I turned back into my main form, and I felt the pain from the wound that had disappeared in all the others form come back. I confirmed what I already suspected: my face was very similar to Discord’s, the main differences were that I lacked his snaggletooth, my goatee and eyebrows were black and my eyes, for what I could see, were like a chimpanzee’s eyes, with a black sclera and amber irises, which looked orange under the sunlight. I added the chimpanzee to the potential list of animals I could become.

I finally became an ent. I was pretty much like those from “the Lord of the Rings”, but smaller. During all the transformations I had experienced great differences in my senses, like the keen sight of the owl, the snake’s taste, and the diamond dog’s smell and hearing. These new levels of perception were impossible to understand with a human mind, but somehow every time I became another creature I felt like I had always been that animal, so I wasn’t clumsy like in the draconequus form. The tree form was the most different, as I could “feel” and understand the chemical language the plants used to communicate with each other in a very primitive level.

I found a way to determine my stature while thinking about trees. I became a bull, as I knew how big they were, then I used my horns to scrap a tree, then I became a draconequus again and stood on two legs next to the marking. I was 2 meters tall or maybe less when standing, with a total length of 3 meters from nose to tail. I finally tried to do the same transformation spell with my head as the objective, but nothing happened. My eyes didn’t make me change, either.

Suddenly, I felt terribly exhausted and breathless. I didn’t know why, but I guessed that all those transformations had taken a toll. I felt worse by the seconds,until I was lying down and fighting against suffocation. What’s happening to me? I was just fine a few seconds ago! Am I dying? Why? A cold numbness took over my body and I knew no more.

1: Imma Hit Da Town

I slowly became conscious again, as if I had woken up from a very deep slumber. I found myself floating in some kind of dark space. I couldn’t move, or even feel, my body, so I just waited. It got boring pretty soon, but I was too confused to try anything. Another draconequus was in front of me. I don’t know when he or she (I saw big eyelashes, so she) appeared, it was as if she had always been there and I had just recently noticed her. I am unable to describe her body, as her body parts kept on changing with no pattern at all.

“Y͇͕̓̀̅ͬͣ̀o̷̹͔͌̾͌̂̌͡u͋̏ͦ̽ͪͭͦ͏͏̺̞̳̠ ̷̷͚̱̪͚͋̈h̢̩̣̩̦̼̳̏͑̀ͧ͆̅̏͒a̧̟̼͕͇̱̝̦̋ͨ͌ͨͤ͆͌̽ͅͅv̧̢̜̗͒̋̐͑ͤ̕ͅẹ̛̩͓̝̼̭̜ͧ̆̔̏̀ͭ͜͜ ̤̳̩̟͆̽̑̐̎̃͜ͅa̛͚̦̼̩̭͂ļ̱̲̫̬̽͌͐̏̄r͕͉͈͌̌ͨ̐ḙ̛̻̈̑̆a̞̥̳̪̐̈́̀ͪ̽̓ͩ̐͘d̴̩̱̠̞̮̙͗̔͐̄̋y̷͔͌̓͠ ̶̪̠̩̜̬͍̙͐̔͂̌͂̽̀͘k̸͔̩͎ͪ̑̀̅ͤͫ͢ī̵͙̫̑̎̇́͞ļ̏ͣͫ̏̕͏͓̟̪ḽ̨̘̺̆̏eͤ̓̿̿̂̔͗̂̕͏̪͈͇̰d̫̱̻̬ͧͣ̍ͦ ̷̪̙͍̼̜̗̗̩ͩ̔ͫ̽́̌̾͌ͮ͘y̨͔̓̈ͧͭ̑̔̈̀o̷̱͕̗͒ͯͨ͆͡u̶̼͙̒r͍͎̟̤͖̃ͬ͗͆̅̋̊s̷͙͇͈͖̗̱̝̣̈̏ͧ̆̀́ȩ̡̻̏̒ͪ͂̾̚ļ̣͔̜̩̤̭͉͙ͫ̀f͖̖̯̬̪͚͌̌̀̕,̵̗̙͚̀ͥ͛̑̎̽ ̢͙̼̺͓̜͌͐̒̑ͫḃ̶̷͍͓͚̥͌́̓͋̐͒e͐͐҉̯̭͚̟̼͇̲̥͎́͞ ͎̳͇̤̐̀̐ͫ̾ͬ̒͡m͒ͯ̈́̒̐̔̌ͪ̊͏̳̪̟͖̬͟o͈̱̮̰̒͆ͬř̥͓̞̍͗̀͗̓̎̃e̳̖͎̼̣̼̓̒̾̉ ̫̂̍͗̊ͮ͒č̡̛̭̠͓̝̙͈̰a̩̲̗̼͙̪̺ͬ̕r̢̧͇̠̰̒͆͗ͥ̾̏e̪̭͈̰̫̼̩ͥ͗̽͜ͅf̸̜͔̝̲͕͇̜̱͐ͨ̈̈́͊̓ͪ̐u̫͆ͧͥ͘͠ľ̵͚͕̜͍̬̤ͮͤͣ̽̒͐̔ ̨̼̦͈͈͔̈́͜ͅṅ͍̺̦̗̠̣̫̘̓͘͟e͎̼̤̭̓ͪͅx̒͋̀̽҉̼̪̥̬͎̤̱t̸͈͖̹͔ͧ̈́͆̚ ̷̖͇̪͓̥̣̳ͯ̀͒t̜̜̹̭̞̥̙̪ͫ̆ͭ̒ͣͩͤ͟͜i͇͉̰͖̊̌ͨ̏m̛̪̗̱͉͈̭̬̀ͪ̀ͯ̊̂̿͜͡e̴̴̼̼̬ͫ̏ͧ̾̃̾ͦ̆ͅ.̭ͫͣ”

“What? I don’t understand you,” I managed to say, overcoming my fear.

She snapped her fingers and became Shay Nimrod.

“Yo̷u ha̵ve̴ ͘a̶l҉r̶e͞a͠dy̴ kil̕l͟ed͢ yourse̶lf, be͞ m̶o̵re c̢ar̨e͜fu͠l̀ ͜ne̴x̴t t͠im̀e, idiot.”

“Killed myself? What are you talking about?! What’s going on?!” I asked, even more scared than before.

“Y͜o̢u̧ ҉a҉re ̴mine̸ to ̕t̴oy ͟w͡ith͏,̨ ̷y̴ou ͟will͝ ͢d͠o͝ ͏my͠ bi̶dḑi̕n̵g̶ wit̶h or ẁith͠òu͏t҉ y͘our ͏c̀onsen̛t͞. ̧Bu͠t i̢f yo̸u di͡e̕ ͟aǵai҉n,͟ yo҉u̕ ͝w͟il͡l ̢lęa̸rn th̡e ́m̸ean̶įng ͠o͟f ͟s̨uf͞fe̴r̕in͝g. GOT IT?!” she was VERY scary.

“Alright, alright! I will be more careful next time! But how am I supposed to do anything with a body I don’t understand,” I asked with desperation, forgetting that she hadn’t answered my questions.

She grumbled with an inhumane voice and placed her right index finger in my forehead. I felt the worst imaginable pain for the fraction of a second she was touching me. I don't know how to describe it. It was like her finger was a red hot iron that managed to burn all of my nerves at the same time, or like being eaten alive by a miriad of rats. The pain disappeared as soon as she pulled her finger back.

“Do you know how hard it was to send you to Equestria?!” she shouted, this time I could understand her without problems, “I am not Discord, I can’t just kick you into another universe after chatting over a coffee and continue with my day!” She breathed and continued talking without shouting, “I have placed a curse on you that won’t let you perform a magical feat that will kill you. You won’t find a way back to Earth, so I suggest you to enjoy your new Equestrian life. Now go back there and do NOT die again!”

She vanished before I could say anything and I felt like I was in the fastest merry-go-round in the world. I closed my eyes until I stopped spinning, and when I opened them I was in the same forest again.

I was hit by a mix of emotions that had the combined force of a tornado. I was afraid of the divine beings that had sent me and apparently were watching my every move, I was confused because the rational part of my mind couldn’t believe what was happening to me, I also felt anger against myself and the universe for my situation, as well as desperation because everything was real and not just a bad dream. That’s why I did what every rational man would have done in my situation: I curled into a ball and started crying. This same morning I woke up at home and played Skyrim, for fuck’s sake! I cried until I could overcome my emotions and control myself.

I saw something blue just above my head when I opened my eyes and cleared them from the tears (which apparently were lethal for the grass in which they fell). I looked up, but it moved with my eyes, always in the top of my field vision. After a few moments turning my head and rolling in the ground I realized that it was a blue bar, like the ones that tell you how much magic you have left in video games.

“She gave me a freaking mana bar,” I thought aloud, “now, how do I magic?” The idea of having Discord’s powers was so appealing that it stopped me from going back to self-pity and sadness.

After a series of unsuccessful, frustrating, and embarrassing tentatives that I will not describe, I learned how to do magic. I had to focus on my head, as I did with the rest of my body for the transformations. Then I only had to will something and it would happen. I tried levitating fallen leaves, which didn’t affect my magic reserves enough to be noticeable, then I created a glass of chocolate milk, which was a bit more taxing. I tried to focus my magic on a hand, like Discord had done in the show. My ent arm glowed with a faint golden light, and when I moved a rock I noticed how my grip was firmer and stronger than before. I stopped at that, as I didn’t how to refill my magic reserves yet. Next, I tried to turn into a human, but my mana bar turned red and nothing happened. I guess that means I have not enough power to do it, right?

I became an owl, noticing how the bar had already lost a tenth of its length. I flew out of the forest, as I had decided that I should got to the nearest town and try to find where I was. I expected the experience of flying to be more amazing and exciting, but I felt as if I had been flying since I was a child, killing the excitement I would have felt otherwise. I noticed that the sun was already setting, so I had been “dead” for many hours. I could see a small road and an earth pony walking on it two kilometers away thanks to the acute sight of my owl body. I flew towards him, planning how to meet him without causing him to panic.

I landed three hundred meters ahead of the pony and turned into a bull where he couldn’t see me, intending to act as a lost traveller. I discovered that I couldn’t do magic while being a bull when I tried to materialize saddlebags to improve my alibi. I was feeling hungry, so I decided to try grazing while the pony arrived. Om nom nom nom nom, grazing is the best thing ever! I found that the grass tasted good, and on top of that eating like that was a relaxing activity. I was ruminating when the pony saw me. I looked up, as if I had just heard his hoofsteps.

“You there!” I said after swallowing the half-digested grass.

“Me?” he asked.

“Yes, you, what’s your name?” I said, trying to sound friendly as I could see that I scared him.

“My name is Salted Chips, sir,” what kind of asshole names his son Salted Chips?

“Chips, do you know where the closest town is? I am travelling through Equestria and I am a bit lost,” he seemed to calm down when I explained my situation.

“I am headed to Fillydelphia, it’s just behind that hill,” he pointed to the horizon with a foreleg, “other than that, these lands have many farms.”

“I’ve been sleeping in barns for two weeks, so Fillydelphia it is. Mind if I accompany you?”

“I sure won’t mind, mister...”

“Havoc,” I answered without thinking. Wait, that’s not my real name! I am... Er... Oh shit I HAVE FORGOTTEN MY NAME!!! What kind of sorcery is this?! I frowned, unable to understand why my real name had been replaced by Havoc in my mind and trying to remember it.

“Are you alright?” the pony asked, worried by my sudden silence.

“Eh... Yes... I... My dinner has passed to my second stomach, I always get distracted when that happens. Don’t worry,” my explanation surprised me. I would have never come up with such an excuse in a normal situation.

He shrugged and I joined him. He was a medium-sized stallion, which looked like a foal next to me. I didn’t know if he was young or old, as his face didn’t give me any hint. He had a brown coat and a black mane, and his cutie mark was a potato. He was pulling a cart full of bags so I offered myself to pull it for him to earn his trust. He was thankful for it and my stronger body wasn’t slowed at all by the extra weight.

“So... You are a farmer?” I asked, trying to start a conversation.

“Yep, I work at my family’s farm.”

I decided not to pry on why he was carrying a loaded cart to the city in the evening.

“There’s not much to tell about myself,” he continued, “unless you want me to go into the details of growing potatoes. I would rather listen to your story, it’s not everyday that you find a bull in Equestria.”

I knew I had no idea about how uncommon bulls were in Equestria, as the only mention to bovines in the show was that stampede which Applejack stopped, so I hoped he didn’t know much more.

“I don’t have much to tell, either,” I began, trying to make up a convincing story, “I was the youngest male in my herd, so my chances of leading my own herd were next to none. I decided to leave my homeland and travel around Equestria, as I know there are many of my race living here. I want to learn more about your land and about myself.”

“That’s nice, I guess,” he said after a few seconds.

“My other reason to visit this land is that Equestrian cows have the best shaped flanks,” I sultry added, making him laugh.

I decided to let him do the talking before I made a mistake that would make him suspect. He talked about his family, his job, and why he wanted to arrive at Fillydelphia with his salted chips when the sun was already down. Apparently, it was the only way to have a decent spot in the town’s Friday market to sell his goods. The awkwardness of being a bull talking to a pony soon disappeared and I found myself enjoying his company. It was a nice change after being stabbed, thrown to another universe, almost killed by farmers, killed by myself and resurrected and threatened by the same creature that got me in this mess. It almost made me forget that I was lost in an unknown universe/dimension/thing and that I didn’t even remember my real name.

We arrived at Fillydelphia when the Moon was high in the sky. It was like Ponyville in the show, only bigger. I followed Salted Chips to the marketplace, where a few other ponies had already put up their stalls and were sleeping behind the counters. He freed me from the cart and proceeded to set up his own stall. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to help him without hands, but I found I was somehow able to manipulate things with my cloven hooves. It didn’t make any sense, but it worked so I didn’t question it. I had already learned that the less I thought about how things worked with my body (or bodies), the better.
I remembered I had no money, so my chances of sleeping under a roof were slim. I shared my concerns with Salted.

“No problem,” he said, “you helped me with the cart, so the least I can do is letting you sleep here with me.”

We were a little bit crowded in the small between the counter and his sacks of chips, but we were covered by the stall’s canopy and warm, so I didn’t complain. In fact, I was grateful. This might not be so bad, after all, I could end up preferring this over my previous life.

“Wake up!” someone said.

“Five minutes more...” I replied out of instinct.

“I can’t sell anything if you are sleeping in the middle, get up Havoc.”

“Huh?” Then it clicked. I don’t know how I managed not to scream and jump when I realized that I was still in Equestria and everything that had happened to me the day before was real. “Oh, sorry Salted.”

“I will be here the whole day selling my chips,” he explained as I left the stall, “what are you going to do?”

“Hm... I will go to the town’s library. I don’t know where to go next, maybe I will find inspiration in a book.”

“Alright. If you don’t find anything, I know a few farmers around who would like to have a strong bull watching over the cows.”

“I’ll consider it. Thank you for everything, I owe you one.”

“You owe me nothing, you carried my cart here, so we are even,”

He told me where to find the library and we said our goodbyes. I found the building soon enough, even if it looked just like the houses around. I assumed the librarian lived inside, like Twilight in Ponyville, so I knocked on the door and a male voice told me to come in. I opened the door and started walking, only to be stopped by the doorframe, which was too narrow for my horns. After a few tries, I managed to get inside without breaking anything. I had not noticed an old unicorn stallion looking at me from inside while trying not to laugh.

“Welcome to-” he paused and covered his mouth with his hoof, after a few seconds he tried again, “welcome to Fillydel-,” he paused again, having a hard time containing his laugher.

“Yeah, I know it was funny, knock yourself out,” when I said that he started guffawing and didn’t stop in a full minute.

“I’m sorry, but not many funny things happen in here and that was hilarious,” he finally said, “welcome to Fillydelphia’s library, I am Obscure Scroll, the librarian, may I help you?”

He was white coated with a balding brown mane and his cutie mark a black scroll. Obscure Scroll? He hope he isn’t a Cthulhu cultist or something like that.

“I am Strong Will, nice to meet you. I am travelling around Equestria and I would like to check a map,” I had never been a good liar back home, but since I became a draconequus my improvisation skills had improved somehow.

“Well, I have all sorts of maps: pocket maps, road maps, ancient maps, huge and detailed maps...”

“I think a road map will be the best for me.”

“Local or national?”

“National.”

“I’ll find them for you, sit here and relax,” he pointed towards a small chair which would surely be crushed under my weight.

“On a second thought, please sit down in the floor, I have nothing for somepony like you to sit on," he added when I looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

He left me alone in the main room for a few seconds before returning with the map. He opened it on a table. Equestria occupied most of it (obviously), with the names of the bordering nations in the... borders. Fillydelphia was in the East, with Canterlot and Ponyville in the centre. The only big city between Canterlot and Fillydelphia was Stalliongrad. I didn’t pay attention to the rest of the cities, as I had decided to visit Ponyville. I really, really wanted to see the mane six, after all.

“Do you have newspapers here?” I asked when I was sure (more or less) that I could find my way to Ponyville.

“I only have old numbers back in the archive. I guess you want today’s newspaper.”

“You are right. Can I check out books and return them in another town?”

“I’m sorry, but that is not possible.”

“One last thing,” I said, knowing I could get in trouble with my next question, “when was the Royal Wedding?”

“It was three months ago, why?”

“Well, it seems that you ponies are always being attacked by strange creatures, what with that dracothing and the changelings. I would like to know more about those monsters, just in case I have an encounter with one of them in my travels.”

“Well, there is a lot of information about Discord which has resurfaced in many libraries and personal collections since his reappearance, most of it written shortly after his first defeat. This library has a few of those books. But he’s the only one of his kind, so you don’t have to worry about that. However, changelings are still a mystery for us, and I don’t know if the few information I have about them is reliable.”

“Let’s see what you’ve got, about both of them.”

I spent most of the day reading in the library. I learned a lot about Discord’s past and specially his powers, which for all I knew could be my powers now. I wasn’t really interested in changelings, but I wanted to know if my transformations were similar to theirs. The books didn’t give me enough information to sort that out, and they contradicted each other. Darwhinny’s book classified them as ant-like insects, while Aberdeer’s bestiary stated that they were distant evolutionary cousins of ponies. It was really frustrating, and it was late in the afternoon AND I hadn’t even had breakfast, so I decided I should leave the library to eat something.

“I’m quite done here, goodbye mister Scrolls, and thank you for your help.”

“...Could you help me with something?” he asked when I was already at the door, “it will be only a minute.”

“What is it?”

“You have a very intriguing pair of eyes. Would you mind if I take a photo of your face and send it to the local university?”

Eyes? What’s wrong with my eyes?

“I’m used to ponies and cows alike looking at me funny because of them, so go ahead,” I replied, a bit worried. What if it is something that allows them to know I am not a real bull?

He took the photo with an instant camera. He showed it to me: I still had chimpanzee eyes. Crap, I need to find a way to change my eyes or I may have problems later.

“Thanks, mister Strong.”

“You’re welcome,” I replied, leaving.

I was about to exit the building, pondering on what I should do next, when something collided hard against me. I didn’t expect it, and the surprise somehow broke my transformation, turning me back into a draconequus. The pegasus mare who had collided with me and was now sitting on my lap looked at me with her mouth agape.

“... I can explain?” I said, hoping it would work.

She inhaled to scream, but I put my right hand over her mouth, while grabbing her with my ent arm. Shit. I heard a high-pitched, feminine scream of panic behind me. SHIT. I turned, expecting another mare, but I only saw Obscure Scroll screaming like a girl. Lol, no wait, this is serious. Shit, I have to leave before the police, or whatever these ponies have, come here and capture me! I violently threw the mare to the stallion, knocking him over. Then I left the building, turning back momentarily to make the photo burn with a burst of magic, and I became an owl to leave the town as soon as possible. A few bystanders saw everything, and a pegasus stallion took off and started chasing me. He was faster than me, and I wouldn’t be able to beat him as an owl, so I waited until he was about to grab me with his hooves and I turned into a dragon. I grabbed him with a claw and punched him in his surprised face, knocking him down, then I flew down until I could safely drop him on the ground. After flying for a few seconds more pegasi, this time wearing police caps, surrounded me.

“Stop right there, abomination!” one of them ordered.

“Alright, alright! Let’s act like civilized ponies,” I replied as I landed, “I’m sure we can-”

“Now!” the same pegasus shouted.

I was enveloped in a multi colored aura which forced me to lay on all fours. Three police unicorns were pointing at me with their glowing horns, immobilizing my limbs.

“That was uncalled for!” I shouted.

“He’s resisting arrest!” one of the unicorns shouted, then I felt a burning pain and all my muscles contracted. That fucker is electrocuting me! Now THIS is police brutality.

“Good work, now we can return this monster to Tartarus,” a voice behind me said when the unicorn stopped his attack.

It was then that something in my mind snapped. I started getting angrier by the seconds, I had never felt such a strong hate, it was almost intoxicating. I went from scared to totally berserk in the lapse of ten seconds. The rational part of my mind said goodbye and something darker, twisted and chaotic took over.

“Kill your mother and rape your dog!!!” I shouted, and I breathed fire towards the unicorn in front of me, forcing him to cancel his spell and avoid the flames. I changed into bear and broke the magical grip of the remaining unicorns with my improved strength. I ran past the policeponies, mauling a pegasus who got in the way with a claw, and entered a small alley. Had I not been in a rage-driven bloodlust, I would have turned into a frog before they could see me and jump into the sewers.

But I WAS in a rage-driven bloodlust so I morphed into draconequus and turned back, facing the three unicorns from before and ten pegasi. I don’t know how long I fought. My memories of the fight are like a dream which you can’t barely remember when you wake up. I remember breaking a pony’s neck with my ent arm, throwing pies filled with sulfuric acid at their faces. I also remember being hit by a blunt and heavy object in the head, as that hit snapped me out of my frenzy. I dropped the dead pony I had been using as a weapon and looked up. A pegasus was holding with his mouth a huge frying pan which had the shape of my head. I was bleeding from many superficial wounds and I also had singed fur. There were a lot of ponies around me now, and they noticed that I had lost my focus, so they all charged at the same time. I instinctively used my magic to create an energy wave that threw most of them backwards, then I created a flash of light just before resorting to my original plan: turn into a frog and hide in the sewers.

Following the currents of fecal water to the part of the river where all of the pony poop from the town ended was a very nauseating experience that I will not recount. The worst part was that I had to swim for a while, and I will leave it at that...

...So much pony shit...

I didn’t find any kind of sewage treatment plant, so I decided never to drink water from a river unless I had no choice. I left the river and changed into diamond dog, one of the forms I hadn’t used to fight the ponies. I was the only living thing around, probably due to the terrible smell, which was almost painful for my sensitive nose.

Okay, let’s think things through. What the fuck did just happen to me back there?! I have never gone berserk like that! Oh my- How many ponies have I killed?! Shitshitshitshitshitshit now Celestia will kill me or turn me into stone the moment I appear before her instead of helping me to return to Earth! I... I have killed ponies! I have MURDERED them and I have ENJOYED it!

I will not lie: I cried my eyes out again. I had been in Equestria for less than 48 hours and I had already killed ponies and probably became an enemy of the nation. I just wanted to meet the ponies from the show, maybe have a little fun and then find a way to return to Earth, it wasn’t that much to ask, was it?

I finally managed to calm myself and tried to analyze my situation. I took a look at my mana bar and found, to my surprise, that it was bigger than when I arrived at Fillydelphia.

First: How did I manage to do all those transformations and fighting and end up with more energy? ...I am a draconequus, so I am a spirit of chaos and disharmony, right? Could it be that whenever I am around ponies I gain energy? Or maybe it’s the chaos? Could it be because I killed them? I need to do more testing. Except for the killing, I will never kill a pony again.
Second: Why did I go bananas? What was the trigger? Is there a way to avoid it? Why didn’t it happen when the Pie’s attacked me?
Third: How do the transformations work? Do I have to feed all of them? Can I survive just by feeding one body? What does a draconequus eat? Do injuries in a body heal over time while I have another body? Do I waste magic over time when I’m not a draconequus? Why did I stop being a bull when I was surprised, but not when I fell asleep?

I had too many questions, and I had to find an answer to most of them before even trying to enter another town. I knew I had to travel West if I wanted to arrive at Ponyville, but I decided to avoid the road and walk by the forest. That way I would be able to master my draconequus body and magic without the risks of being sighted by ponies. I will just spend a few days in the forest, then I will go back to civilization.

2: Gorgeous Plots

Two months. I spent two freaking months alone in the woods. That’s a lot of time spent alone, especially when you are in such an unusual situation. During that time I had freaked out twice because I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, but I finally came to terms with my situation. I had decided that going all angsty and emo over my situation wouldn’t help, so I stopped complaining and whining and decided to just go with the flow and enjoy it. I had to cross the Pie family’s rock farm again, as I had been travelling away from Ponyville when I went to Fillydelphia, but I managed to avoid being seen by anypony. I wasted a lot of time surrounding farms, until I realized I could just fly over them as owl.

I left the normal forest and entered the Everfree Forest at some point during the fifth week, and soon I was surrounded by creepy trees and dangerous creatures. I ended up hating all of them, but at least I learned a lot about my condition. I learned that I gained energy whenever something chaotic happened to a living being. Due to that, doing magical feats that were essentially chaotic was almost cost-free. As a rule of thumb: if something unexpected, physically impossible or disharmonic happened to a living being, I gained energy. The amount of energy depended on my physical proximity, my involvement and how much chaos was involved. The Everfree Forest, being a land untamed by ponies, gave me a small but constant flux of energy, which was rather nice. Even so, trolling the animals gave me much less energy than what I did at Fillydelphia.

I also discovered that the chances of going berserk increased whenever I was forced to act harmonically for too long. I tried to do nothing chaotic and, after three days, I snapped just because I had to stay still for a few minutes because I thought I had heard hoofsteps. Fortunately, I was mistaken, or I might have killed a pony again. Being “not chaotic” also made me feel severe withdrawal symptoms, but I suspected that chaos was something my body really needed, like breathing and sleeping, so I decided not to consider it an addiction. I also found impossible to focus my mind and think rationally when I restrained myself from doing chaos, as I couldn’t stop thinking about doing it.

I learned that transformations didn’t waste energy per sé, but I couldn’t do strong magic when I wasn’t a draconequus, just some really weak spells like moving light objects. I didn’t need to eat, as I could feed myself with my energy, directly or materializing food. However, eating reduces the amount of energy I spend, so I usually slept during the day in my tree form to feed via photosynthesis. Whenever I left a form time stopped for it so any injury would remain as it was until I went back to that form and waited for it to heal. They were, for all intents, completely independent bodies. Also, the transformations were cancelled if I was startled.

I also finally got used to my main form, to seeing my muzzle when I looked down and to the mana bar. The latter was really useful, as it would show me how much a spell would cost if I thought about performing one but I didn’t willed it to happen. When I say “will it to happen”, I mean that the part of my mind that wasn’t there when I was human and controlled the magic took part in the thought process so I would really do magic. That meant I could do almost anything without learning spells or memorizing formulas, like healing myself (but not others, for some reason), teleporting or creating illusions.

Last, I learned that my magic wasn’t only meant to create chaotic and random things, like explosive pies or flying pigs. I could also perform mental manipulation. I had found that I could do the Discord’s discording trick, which made my target change his behaviour and become grayish. I could also “enter” the mind of my victims and do a lot of manipulation. It wasn’t real hypnosis, as I couldn’t force them to do whatever I wanted, and I couldn’t read their memories either, but I could make them perceive whatever I wanted and manipulate their current thoughts. For example: I made a bunny believe a rock was a carrot, and it broke its teeth trying to eat it. It kept on gnawing on it, as I made it unable to feel pain, until it fainted due to blood loss. Then I ate the bunny.

I could go on, but I don’t feel like telling the few interesting things that happened to me over those two months The general idea is that I spent sixty days walking and doing terrible things to any animal who had the bad luck of entering my field of vision (all in the name of science, of course), and eating the weirdest things, as my draconequus form can eat anything my other forms do, including gems and some rocks (which taste like sweet and salty, respectively).

Also, manticores are stronger than bears and teen dragons, and resilient to mind magic, so I had a hard time when one attacked me. When I say “I had a hard time”, I mean that I only survived because I had a lot of magic reserves, so I could go pew pew on the monster until it fled.

I had decided I was ready to try social interaction again, and I hoped the ponies would have forgotten about me, so that night I changed into owl and flew out of the forest (“I was ready to try social interaction again”?, that sounds SO autistic). I flew as high as I could and looked around. The Everfree was huge, but I could glimpse the end of it by looking southwest. I changed into dragon for extra speed and protection against possible predators and flew in that direction.

I was soon flying over a small prairie, but dragon’s had a worse night vision than I expected, so I went back to owl. I would have smiled if my beak could do such thing, as I could see an apple orchard relatively close, which led to some buildings too far away to recognize them, even for an owl. I flew towards the buildings without changing form to avoid drawing attention to me. Please let it be Sweet Apple Acres, please let it be Sweet Apple Acres, please let it be Sweet Apple Acres, please let it be Sweet Apple Acres. That was pretty much my train of thought until I was close enough. FUCK YEAH! IT IS SWEET APPLE ACRES! Ponyville here I go!

My original plan was to arrive at Ponyville, find the mane six, ask Twilight to ask Celestia if there was a way for me to go back to Earth, then wait for an answer. However, I doubted they would let me leave unpunished after the Fillydelphia incident, so my new plan was to meet the mane six to satiate my brony needs, then try to learn more about Equestria. I thought I may be lucky enough to find a way to return home by myself.

The first thing I did when I reached the farm was to take a peek inside the house. I almost made the owl equivalent of an hysteric girl shriek when I saw Applejack sleeping in the bed of her room, but I managed to restrain myself. I watched through all the windows in a totally non-creepy (well, maybe slightly creepy) way, until I had seen the four Apples. Then, I decided I should sleep the rest of the night so I wouldn’t be tired the next day. I landed on a tree branch, changed into rattlesnake because I couldn’t resist the temptation of making a biblical reference (even if only I would ever know I did it) and fell asleep.

And I said unto the mare, Yea, hath Faust said, Ye shall not eat of any tree of the garden?
And the mare said unto me, Of the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat:
but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Faust hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
And I said unto the mare, Ye shall not surely die: for Faust doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as Faust, knowing good and evil.
And when the mare saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat; and she gave also unto her stallion with her, and he did eat.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig-leaves together, and made themselves aprons.
And they heard the voice of Faust walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the stallion and his mare hid themselves from the presence of Faust amongst the trees of the garden.
And Faust called unto the stallion, and said unto him, Where art thou?
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
And she said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
And the stallion said, The mare whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
And Faust said unto the mare, What is this thou hast done? And the mare said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
And Faust said unto me, Because thou hast done this, cursed art thou above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: and I will put enmity between thee and the mare, and between thy seed and her seed: he shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

I woke up hyperventilating, rattling and hissing out of instinct. It took me a whole minute to regain my composure, as the dream had been really vivid. I had felt the power of God-Faust cursing me for eternity, and I still felt at unease. I felt like the universe had just told me “so, you think it’s funny to be the serpent in the apple tree? Well, think again, faggot.” Well, fuck you too, universe.

I got that idea out of my head and paid attention to my surroundings. It was early in the morning, I estimated that the sun had been shining for less than an hour. I could taste/smell a pony nearby with my tongue, and using my sense of hearing (I suddenly knew that snakes hear with their jaw, by feeling the sound transmitted as ground vibrations) I determined the pony’s position, pace and weight. (I try not to think too much into those things, as my draconequus/human/whatever mind is ill suited to deal with that kind of sensory information, so trying to remember things I experienced with other forms tends to give me headaches.)

I feared that my bull and dragon form would be recognized. My only options to have a conversation with ponies were moose and diamond dog. I chose diamond dog, as the only moose I had ever seen in the show was a chocolate sculpture. Let’s try diamond dog, the worst case scenario will be that the pony will try to give me a beating, so I will just escape and try again as a moose.
I slithered to the base of the tree, looked around to make sure nothing could see me, and changed form. I had learned how to do it without being a draconequus for a short time, but it consumed more magic. Alright, what’s my alibi? I am... I am a diamond dog named... Garrosh, (will my Raid Leader be mad because I suddenly stopped playing?) and I... have been banished by my pack because... Because I freed some pony slaves and the others found out. Yeah, that will work. Oh! Now I remember, I used to play World of Warcraft when I was a human! This shitty idea of storytelling is working!

I walked towards the sound of hoofsteps, and soon I saw Big Freaking Macintosh pulling... some kind of farm machinery fifteen meters away from me. He hadn’t noticed me yet. Diamond dogs talked like Gollum, right?

“You there! Big pony!” I said, and he turned his head towards me. He started frowning as soon as he saw me, but he didn’t look like he was going to attack... yet.

“I mean no harm to pony!” I said, slowly closing the distance, “I be Garrosh. I friend to ponies. You friend to Garrosh?”

His frown became deeper for a moment, and suddenly it disappeared, “eeyup” he simply said. I could feel my ears unfolding as I calmed down.

“I banished from pack. I travel alone. Lost in forest. Forest dangerous. I need place to rest. Ponies help me, I help ponies. You help me?”

“Eeyup,” he said after considering it for a few moments.

“What is name of big red pony?”

“My name is Macintosh, Big Macintosh,” I could almost hear James Bond’s theme when he said that.

“You really big for pony!” I said, nodding, “I thank Macintosh for help Garrosh.”

He moved his hoof to signal me to wait and he took air.

“APPLEJACK!!!” he shouted with the power of a thousand suns, causing all the apples from the nearest trees to fall.

I was dazed for a few seconds, my sensitive ears overflowing me with pain. I cocked my head to one side when I recovered. What is he planning?

“Ah am too busy to help ya, mah sister will take care of ya,” I nodded in agreement.

I heard Applejack galloping toward us a minute before she arrived. Fuck yeah I’m going to meet Applejack, I hope I don’t mess everything up.

“What in tarnation?!” she exclaimed when she saw me, “brother, why is there a diamond dog in the orchard?!”

“He will tell ya, Ah am busy now,” the stallion said as he continued doing... Whatever he had been doing before I arrived.

Applejack stared at me, she was clearly ready to buck me into next week if I said anything that rubbed her wrong.

“Hello, orange pony!” I said with a shy smile that probably looked more like an aggressive display of my sharp teeth, “I be Garrosh. I travel a lot. I lost in dark forest. Very dangerous. Creatures more strong than Garrosh. I need place to rest. Ponies help me, I help pony. Big pony say you help me,” I tried to give her the puppy eyes.

“Well, Ah reckon the Everfree is mighty dangerous, but Ah don’t trust ya yet. Why would a diamond dog travel alone? Y’all are always in your caves.”

Shit, this is the Element of Honesty. Does that mean she can detect if I’m lying?

“I always different. Don’t like having slaves, makes Garrosh feel bad. One day, I free slaves. Pack knows it was me, I banished. I want to find new pack, diamond dog without pack is nothing,” I really hope she can’t detect lies.

“Ya really did that?” I nodded with enthusiasm, “well, that’s mighty brave and noble from you, but Ah can’t let you stay in mah farm, ya might scare the cows,” I used the puppy eyes again, “but Ah think my friends will find a place for you to stay. Ah will go to Ponyville with ya so ya don’t have no problems.”

She started walking and I followed her, but she surprised me by turning back and tackling me when I was close enough, pinning me down with a surprising amount of strength for a being that was half my size.

“Ah am going to trust ya,” she slowly said, “but if ya do something bad to anypony ya will be in deep trouble, understood?” I nodded frantically, “good.”

She released me and continued walking as if nothing had happened. I was worried, but I decided to follow her anyways. Do ponies trust Applejack enough to accept my presence? Moreover, what do ponies think of diamond dogs in general? Are they even considered persons with rights, or little more than animals? Agh, I should have learned about all these things before doing this.
I was so focused on my thoughts that I didn’t notice we had already left the farm and Ponyville was on sight. I noticed it when we were about to reach the first houses.

“I fear going to pony town, feels weird,” I simply said.

“Don’t ya worry none, it will be fine.”

The ponies who saw me talked between themselves in whispers while casting sideways glances toward us, but that was something I expected. I felt like a tourist in a city full of monuments, trying to see everything before the tour was over. I recognized some of the buildings from the show, as well as some background ponies. Is that Lyra? Now I want to know if her hands/human fetish is real or just something made up by us. I saw that we were going to Twilight’s library, and everyone knows that Twilight is best pony, so I was practically beaming with delight. There was another thing I noticed while following Applejack, which is really embarrassing to admit: I found some of these mares attractive! I had never been into clopping before, but now I suddenly thought about mares like I thought about women back home. I managed to repress those thoughts until I had time to deal with them, the part of my mind that thought “Oh god gross! I’m not gonna fuck a pony!” winning the battle (for now).

“Alright, this is Twilight’s,” said Applejack, “Ah think she’s the best suited to take care of ya, Ah’ll introduce ya to her and Ah’ll be on mah way.”

“I thank you, strong pony,” I said with real gratitude. She’s just like in the show, honest and dependable.

She knocked on the door and we waited until a purple baby dragon which I, and probably you too, knew as Spike, opened it.

“Hey Applejack, what are you-” he paused when he saw me, “watch out! There’s a diamond dog behind you!”

“Calm down, Spike. This is Garrosh, he was exiled from his pack and got lost in the Everfree. Ah believe he’s a good fella, so Ah thought Twilight could find a place for him to pass the night.”

The baby dragon shrugged and let me in, “Twilight! We’ve a guest!” he shouted.

“I’ll be there in a moment!” a female voice I knew too well answered.

“Ah have work to do in the orchard, so Ah’ll be leaving now,” she said as she closed the door behind us.

We looked at each other for a few seconds, until I decided to say something.

“You be Spike, right?”

“Yes...” he said, still uncomfortable around me.

“You very small dragon. Never seen dragon so small.”

“I’m not small, I’m young!”

“Why you have no wings?” I had always wanted to know the answer to that.

“Well, you see, some dragons-” he was interrupted by Twilight’s timely arrival. Shit! I wanted to know that!

“Spike, step back! I’ll take care of this!” she said as she galloped downstairs, her horn already glowing.

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait!!!” we both said in unison, Spike waving his arms while I covered my face.

“Huh?” she said, the glowing disappearing.

“I mean no harm to ponies! I come with strong pony! You tell her!” I asked Spike while I took cover behind a couch, scared of Twilight’s magic. What if her magic breaks my transformation? I can’t risk it!

“He’s right, Applejack brought him here and told me that he’s nice and he needs a place to pass the night.”

“Why would she bring him here?” the purple unicorn asked, clearly confused, “she has plenty of room in the farm.”

“Strong pony said I may scare cows,” I added from behind the couch.

“You can come over here, I promise I won’t hurt you,” I did as I was told, “okay, what’s your name?”

“Garrosh,” Man, I am already sick of this name. I should have gone with Balto.

“Nice to meet you, I am Twilight Sparkle. Why are you in Ponyville?”

“Long story. I don’t like slaving. I free slaves. I exiled. Now I travel.”

“You came all the way over Gem Fido to Equestria alone?”

Yeah, I don’t know where or what that is, so I’ll just nod like an idiot.

“Why would you come here of all places?”

Know what? I’m tired of speaking like an idiot, and it’s harder than it looks like.

“Well, I heard one can find diamond dogs in these lands, and so far away from Gem Fido the chances of them knowing I was exiled are next to zero, so I chose Equestria.”

“What the... Why are you suddenly speaking properly?” she asked.

“I have found that ponies are even warier of me when I speak like this. I think your kind feels safer if you think you are dealing with someone less intelligent. You promised you wouldn’t hurt me, so I guess I can drop that so we can have a proper conversation.”

“This is great!” said Twilight after a few moments of deliberation, “I have so many questions about diamond dogs!”

So adorkable! Wait, questions? Oh shit, I don’t know jackshit about diamond dogs!

“Can’t it wait? I have just left the forest you call Everfree where I almost got eaten by a manticore, so I am really tired.”

“Alright,” she said, unable to hide her disappointment, “you said you want a place to rest, is that what you are going to do? Sleep all day?”

“Both the ponies out there and me would be uncomfortable if I decided to take a walk, so I was thinking I could read the newspapers.”

“You can read, too?” she asked with a cocked eyebrow, “why all the weird ones come to Ponyville?” she said to herself, so I ignored it.

“I haven’t been in civilization for two months, do you have some kind of monthly or weekly newspaper here? I would like to know what are you ponies up to.”

“I always keep all the numbers of The Equestrian Observer for the last three months. It is a weekly newspaper,” she replied.

“That’s good... Libraries are free, right? I have no money.”

“Yes, you can read anything you want for free. I will bring the newspapers now.”

I knew I was walking on thin ice, acting as a diamond dog when I had no idea about them. I wondered when would they decide I was a changeling.

“Spike, baby dragons eat gems too, right?”

“Yeah, why do you ask?”

“I am a bit hungry, and I don’t think ponies will be happy if I eat meat. For all I know, I could be eating their friends. Where can I find free gems?”

“Well, there’s a place with many gems, but it’s already occupied by a pack of diamond dogs.”

“That’s bad, if they find me taking gems from their territory it won’t be pretty. Are they friendly to you?”

“They are a bunch of jerks!” Spike exclaimed, “they took Lady Rarity and forced her to pull a cart in their mines!”

I facepalmed, “and here I hoped it would be easy to find a pack in Equestria that didn’t resort to slavery.”

“Here are the newspapers,” said Twilight as she dropped them behind us with her magic, “be careful with your claws around them, they aren’t books but still they are public material.”

“You mean to tell me you are afraid of my claws damaging the paper when ponies without magic turn pages either with their mouths or their hooves? Now that I think about it, how do you ponies do most things only with your hooves and mouth?” She gave me an exasperated sigh.

“I have been trying to find how we do things with hooves since that crazy alien griffin asked me the same question. I still don’t know the answer.”

“Crazy alien griffin?” Dafuq? Is that something from Season 3 which has already happened or something?

“You will read about him in those,” she pointed at the newspapers, “I have to leave and do some chores. Spike, I leave you in charge.”

Spike saluted as Twilight left us while I took the oldest publication. This will take many hours, I should do something chaotic now or I may go mad again. I know, let’s troll Spike! I began reading, waiting for a proper situation to troll Spike. I read a lot of weird shit in the newspapers, like reports of changelings, a winged wolf, a pirate griffin named Griffin that travelled around on a flying ship with laser guns, a lot of weird creatures attending to the Grand Galloping Gala, where they ended up fighting against Nightmare Moon who possessed an earth pony while a black teen dragon beat and kidnapped Princess Luna?! What the fuck am I reading.
I had my opportunity to troll Spike when he picked up a book and left it on its place in the bookshelves. I waited until he turned his back on it and made it fall with my magic.

“Huh?” he said, confused, but he put it back on its place. Then I made it fall again.

This time he growled while he put it back. I made it fall again.

“Why are you making so much noise?” I asked, trying to sound annoyed, “I’m trying to read here.”

“It’s this book, it keeps on falling off!” he exclaimed.

“Maybe there’s a mouse in there?” I asked, faking curiosity.

“Shh! If a mouse is eating the books Twilight will be REALLY mad!” he said, nervous.

“Just take a look in there, it might not be a mouse,” I suggested.

He did as I told him, and when his right eye was between the two books I tried to make him see a jack-in-the-box sprouting out. Unfortunately, dragons had a bigger resistance to magic than I expected, so I almost changed into draconequus to complete the spell. I decided I should keep on reading after that.

“There’s nothing in there,” said Spike. I answered with a shrug.

I had already seen all the front pages, and luckily I had not seen myself in them, so I started looking through the insides of each number. Twilight came back an hour later with her saddlebags filled with who knows what. It was then that I found an article about me.

The front page of that number showed a griffin giving Celestia, and the headline, 'Sir Griffin North declares Princess Celestia as 'Best Pony' after knighting ceremony faux pas. See page 3 for more details.' This is the first time in my life I feel grateful because people (and ponies) pay more attention to gossip than to catastrophes.

My train of thought was interrupted when I felt a source of chaos energy so vast that I started chattering. Whatever it was it was approaching the library. I felt that, if I could somehow acquire such power, I would be able to conquer Equestria, make Discord my bitch and force Shay Nimrod to send me back to Earth without breaking a sweat. That chaos powerhouse opened the door and the next thing I saw was a pink blur in front of me.

“Ohmygoshadiamonddogwhatareyoudoinghere?waityouaren’tameanieareyou? BecausethatwouldbebadohbutiseeyouarereadingthenewspaperandSpikeisthereandnoponyispanickingsoyoumustbenicesotheniguessishouldsayhimynameisPinkiePiewhatsyourname?”

“What?” I hadn’t understood a single thing, and even if I was sure it was Pinkie Pie, I had yet to have visual confirmation, as she kept on bouncing around me too fast, “Spike! How do you turn this off?!”

“Pinkie, you are scaring him,” he deadpanned.

The pink blur slowed down until it became a pink earth pony.

“Hi! My name is Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” she said, this time slow enough for me to understand her.

“Hello, I am Garrosh,” I said while I tried to find a way to take a bit of her energy. Normal ponies only produced chaos energy when they were trolled, but Pinkie Pie was constantly emanating it, giving me enough energy to compensate what I spent feeding my body. I could only guess how much power she would give me if I trolled her.

I was so focused on finding a way to taker her energy that I didn’t realize I had grabbed her and was physically inspecting her.

“Hey! That is a private party area!” she said, breaking my concentration and making me acknowledge that I was grabbing her by the tail and looking at her ‘private party area’.

I dropped her and turned red behind my fur.

Must-not-think-about-THAT...

LOL crotchboobs. Dat ass, nice plot, candy vag.

Fuck you brain!

Luckily for me, doing that counted as trolling, so she released a burst of energy that I greedily took.

“Eh... Sorry? I wanted to make sure you were a real pony, never seen something move so fast,” I said when I noticed she was waiting for an apology.

She gave me her trademark huge smile, “it’s alright, I forgive you!”

Hnnnnnnnnng, so cute! Wait, what’s that?

I felt that part of her chaos energy was being directed somewhere else. It was the first time that something like that had happened, I had always been able to take all the energy in my surroundings. I began following the energy current, leaving the library.

“Hey! Where are you going?” asked Spike, but I was too focused in following the energy to reply.

I followed the flux around the library to a nearby bush. I was about to peek inside when a squeaky hammer hit me strong enough to break my jaw.

“I have been waiting for you,” a female voice said, “father will be pleased when I destroy you.”

The blinding pain was combined with a blinding pink light that blocked all my other senses, the only thing I could feel was the powerful magic that was enveloping me.

Wait, what’s that? Shit, I’ll have to leave this in a cliffhanger.

4: Equality is Overrated

Finding Granite Back was easy thanks to Ruffus’ description of the place. The warren was located in and under the only black mountain in the area. The entrance was just a hole in the base of said mountain, with two big and fully armed diamond dogs guarding it. It was already late into the night, so I flew down to a small forest nearby and slept as an ent. The sunrise starting my photosynthesis woke me up, so I changed forms to diamond dog, put the other dog’s clothes on and I rolled in the dirt to cover myself in dust, as a clean diamond dog would be suspicious. I made up yet another alibi and walked towards the entrance.

“Halt!” ordered one of the guards when I was a few meters away, “name and business!”

“Balto, I want to join Granite Back.” Now that’s a name I don’t mind having.

“Where you from? Why join us?”

“From Copper Depth. I scout, I bring pony slave to warren, when I back, other scouts dead. If return, Alpha blame me and I dead. Granite Back better than Copper Depth, anyways.”

“Good, you follow me,” said the guard that had remained silent as he lit a torch.

He led me through a labyrinth of narrow and dark tunnels that, according to Ruffus, served to slow down attackers and to avoid slaves escaping. Finding the exit was easy for a diamond dog, as they were very sensitive to the air freshness and movement, so they always knew which tunnel led to the exit. Even so, I memorized the path we took just in case, as the shortest way out could be the one filled with traps. We followed the tunnel to a big cave, where two more diamond dogs guarded a huge black iron door, which was kind of stupid as it was bigger than the other entrance.

“This be Balto. He want to join we.”

“Follow me,” said the guard on the right, “you meet Alpha now.”

I gulped, as I had yet to see one of the powerful Alphas, which almost always belonged to a more brutal subspecies of diamond dogs. The guard used a dog whistle that he wore on a necklace and the door opened. Trying to describe how ultrasounds... sound is like trying to describe how green looks like to a blind person, so I won’t even try to do so... I said something like that already, didn’t I?

Behind the gate was the real warren. The diamond dogs lived in small houses carved in the walls of a huge circular cave the size of a football pitch with a domed ceiling which was thirty meters high in the centre of the cave. It must have been carved by them, as it was too regular and it even had holes the size of one of my now huge thumbs all the way to the surface for ventilation. How did they even drill those? They made the most of the space they had carved, filling half of it with stone buildings and a quarter with some sort of tents, the rest being an open space where some cubs were playing a mix of tag and violent wrestling. The cave was illuminated by many huge gems that somehow worked as lamps located on the ceiling.

To reach the Alpha’s house we had to cross the entire cave in a straight line. I took a quick glimpse at the tents and saw a few ponies in them. We crossed the zone with buildings, which were occupied and used by more slaves. My escort told me with his awful oral skills that most buildings were maintained and managed by the slaves themselves when they weren’t working in the mines, as no diamond dog was willing to move a finger for them. The diamond dogs were the dictatorial military force of the warren, while the slaves were the workforce that assured that everything worked smoothly. The diamond dogs lived in the perimeter of the town so they could easily surround the slaves if they revolted and subdue them. It reminded me of the Roman Empire, it was awesome in its cruelty and efficiency. It’s beautiful. We arrived at the Alpha’s house, the only indicative of his rank was the single guard at his door.

“New recruit, meet Alpha now,” said my escort.

The other guard barked loudly and opened the door for me two minutes later. He closed the door behind me when I got in, but I didn’t notice it. I was too focused on the Alpha. He is HUGE! The Alpha towered over every other diamond dog I had seen, he was as big as my draconequus form, and he had a more feral and dangerous look, like a wolf among dogs. He wore a chainmail and a black leather jacket with steel spikes, a two handed axe resting on his lap. His fur was black on the back and white on the front, with his face being black and his lower jaw white. His yellow eyes were inspecting me with intelligence while he sat on a primitive throne. A huge diamond dog leader with chainmail and biker leather jacket? He’s SO badass!

We were on a small rectangular room illuminated by more shining gems, the throne on the center being the only piece of furniture in it. There was a door behind the Alpha, which led to the rest of his house. Ruffus had told me that a diamond dog only had to be submissive to the Alpha of his pack and show confidence and determination to the other Alphas to avoid being called a coward, so I forced myself to match his stare. That wasn’t an easy task, as his stare was so intense it would probably carve a hole in my body given enough time.

“What is your name, dog?” he asked with his guttural voice.

“Balto.” Still loving this name.

“I am Drogur the Arcane, Alpha of Granite Back, but you already know that, right? Well, Balto, what brings you to my warren?” he said in perfect English/Equestrian/whatever. Ruffus had said that most Alphas could speak like that if needed, but the ones who valued physical power over knowledge spoke like common diamond dogs. The Arcane, is he magic or something?

I had to make a decision. If I acted like a normal diamond dog he probably would give me a low rank and duty, like scouting or watching over the slaves. The second one was what I wanted, but I didn’t know if it would happen. If I showed him my superior intelligence he might give me a better position in the warren’s hierarchy, which would allow me to do more shenanigans. I hate speaking like an idiot, so intelligence it is.

“My Alpha hates me. I have always been smarter than him, so he sent me off to be a scout. Last night, I killed the other two scouts, burned them so everyone would think it was a dragon, and came here,” he raised his eyebrows in surprise for a second, then he started laughing.

“You are really something, Balto!” he exclaimed, “I already like you. Clever like an Alpha, but not strong enough to be one. Of course, you haven’t earned our trust yet, so you will be the assistant of the slaves’ supervisor. He’s an old dog about to retire, so you will learn everything he can teach you and become his successor if you are worthy of that task. How do you like that?”

“I will do as you command, my Alpha,” I said, this time looking down to show total obedience.

“It’s settled, then. You are now a member of Granite Back. Your official welcome ceremony will be in two days, with the next full moon,” he rose up and walked to me. Then he smelled me to remember my scent, and I did the same, “one last question, did you lie to my guards about your origins?”

“Of course I did,” I answered, making him laugh again. Nice fangs, he could tear my head off with a bite.

“Bitch!” he shouted, “we have a new dog! He needs accommodation!” Man, Drogur is so cool, I already love him in a non-homoerotical way.

The Alpha’s wife came through the door behind him and joined us. She was as big as me, her fur was brown and her eyes green. She was the first female diamond dog I had ever seen, and I suffered conflicting emotions. My diamond dog body and brain told me that she was sexy, but I had never been into furries as a human, so I was very confused. Don’t know if want...

“I Gavriila, you?” she asked with a Russian accent as we smelled each other.

“Balto,” Ruffus had told me that diamond dogs didn’t believe in monogamy, so they all fucked with each other. The only exception was the Alpha’s partner, who was off limits. Their romanticism was almost non-existent. The fact that I was thinking about THAT as I introduced myself to the Alpha’s wife speaks wonders about me, doesn’t it? Bad Havoc, stop thinking about dirty things and focus!

Gavriila led me to a house halfway between the entrance and the Alpha’s.

“This house yours now,” she gave me a big iron key, “only you and Alpha have house key. Key expensive, you eat or lose it, you pay new one. No noises during sleeptime, slaves NEVER inside house. If light gems stop shining, take them to horn pony, no take horn pony to house. No stinking house, you clean house, or have someone clean house, but house no smell. That are house rules.”

“No more rules?” I asked.

“Slaves are for work, not for sex,” she added, “other rules same than all warrens,” once again, I knew them because Ruffus had listed them for me.

“Anything else?” She looked from side to side, checking that no one was within hearing range (which is a lot bigger than humans’, these dogs have a very keen sense of hearing) before replying to my question.

“Drogur isn’t like Copper Depth’s Alpha,” she whispered, “He is the smartest diamond dog this warren has seen in many generations, so don’t even think about pulling something stupid off like you did in your previous den. We will know and you will suffer. Other than that, he may invite you to our house to chat. We enjoy having intelligent conversation partners from time to time. Oh, and you should speak like the rest of the pack if you don’t want to bring too much attention upon yourself.”

So the pretty girl has a good brain, too. No wonder Drogur chose her above all others. I will ignore the fact that she just threatened me.

“Until we meet again, then.”

“Old Goozar will come for you in an hour, bye,” she said as she left.

I went inside and explored my new house. It lacked the entrance/meeting room the Alpha had, as the first room was the living room. It had a table with four chairs around, which had weird proportions to accommodate diamond dogs instead of humans. So, the ponies use furniture meant for humans while the diamond dogs, which resemble us much more, use furniture meant for them. Fucking Equestria, how does it work?

Other than that, the living room had no furniture. The other rooms were a bathroom and a bedroom, which had only a toilet and a huge dog bed. I was surprised to find that the toilet worked like Earth’s ones, which meant that the dogs had a sewage system. I felt tempted to become a frog and explore it, but remembering my experiences in Fillydephia’s sewers changed my mind. I will NEVER swim in feces again! The lack of kitchen would have worried me if Ruffus hadn’t told me (I should have given a gift to that guy, his information was SO helpful) that male diamond dogs didn’t cook. The bitches (I love saying bitches with impunity) prepared two huge meals a day and the whole pack ate together. Most diamond dogs also had a quick lunch between both while working, which was provided by their boss or the slaves.

I became dangerously bored when I finished exploring, so I redecorated the bedroom and bathroom with whatever came to my mind, the more random the better, until they looked like they belonged to a dangerous psychopath (which I guess I am since I became a draconequus). I also wrote ‘rape room’ and ‘rape room 2’ over the doorframes of each room. I remembered that I hadn’t used the toilet since before going to Ponyville, with all my forms, so in the span of thirty minutes a bear, a diamond dog, a teen dragon, an owl, a bull and a draconequus all used it. I decided to only eat with one or two forms to avoid that ever happening again. I took a look at the gem lamps that illuminated my new house, as I wanted to know how did they work. I found rather soon that they were just gems charged with magical energy, which was slowly expelled as light. I tried to take a bit in, and I found myself losing the energy I was supposed to gain and feeling sick. I blamed it on trying to absorb harmonic pony magic when I was a chaos magic user. I was wondering if I could find a way to turn that magic into something I could use when I heard knocking on the door, so I changed to diamond dog and opened it.

“Balto?” asked a diamond dog that looked like a bulldog. Thanks to the cartoon mechanics of this universe, I could see age wrinkles even if they were supposed to be concealed under his fur. He wore a red vest and a collar with many whistles, at least ten.

“Yes, you Goozar?”

“Yes, you come with me,” he continued as we smelled each other, like diamond dogs always did when they meet each other so it will be something implicit from now on, “We eat now, then go work.”

I followed him to the Great Hall, which was the building where diamond dogs ate like medievals (in both organization and manners). The huge table was pi-shaped, with the upper segment occupied by Drogur, Gavriila, three cubs, surely their offspring, and a brutal pitch black diamond dog, more bear than dog, who I guessed was the Beta. The longer twin segments were occupied by the rest of the pack, the closer to the Alpha the higher ranked. I knew that, until I was officially included in the pack, I had to eat in the lowest ranked place.

“Eat fast, I no like waiting,” Goozar said as he walked to his place. He reminds me of my old boss, so bossy. Oh, wow. I have just remembered about my job and my boss right now. I’m going to be busy processing all the memories I have just recovered, go and do something else in the meanwhile, like listening to some music.

…
...
…

Alright, I’m ready to continue.

I sat on the chair that was meant for me. There were about three hundred diamond dogs eating together, not counting the ones scouting or doing other outside works. I also noted that a quarter of the table was unoccupied. Well, they wouldn’t be accepting new members if they had overpopulation. The dogs next to me growled when I sat, testing me as Ruffus had said they did with newcomers. I replied in kind, as well as barking twice and snapping at the one who was sitting at my left. They were a sorry lot, most of them crippled, small, frail or completely retarded. The status system seems to work, at least on the lowest stratus. They were also boring, as we were supposed not to talk to each other, they couldn’t be seen starting a conversation with someone with lower rank, and I shouldn’t talk to them as I would soon have a higher position. It was totally stupid, as the rule of having the lower ranked talk first only applied in the dining hall, but it was followed by the entire pack so I had to deal with it. At least the diamond dogs were, like all dogs, more aggressive than usual while eating, so I gained extra energy due to the small fights that took place all over the place.

Five bitches started serving the food, so I didn’t have to wait much until I got my ration. They gave me a wooden dish with a big bone with a little meat, a few mineral stones and a barely precious gem, which I could eat or save for later, as gems were used as a form of basic currency by diamond dogs. I ate it all, being less surprised than I should at the taste of stones and gems due to my strange instincts and quasi-memories of being a diamond dog. Goozar was one of the closest to the Alpha, and when I looked at him he was almost finished with his meal. I finished with mine as fast as I could and got up as he did. The Alpha had apparently nulled the rule of not leaving the table before he did, which was a nice gesture because he seemed to enjoy talking over his meal and eating slowly. I followed Goozar out of the hall and to the tents. He blowed one of his whistles, which made an almost painfully sharp and high noise, when we reached the center of the zone and I heard faint moans and felt the energy of the slaves’ despair feeding me.

“I know why you here,” he told me while the slaves began forming a file, “I be old, you be young, you replace me. You must have impressed Alpha, slave supervision is hard work, many things to do, some stupid dogs to order, many stupid slaves to order. Important to know what all do, slaves too. No job for stupid dog. You learn what all do, not only what I do. You only talk if you no understand, no chatter,” I nodded. Direct contact with the slaves! I’m going to become bloated with chaos! Yay!

In less than a minute they had formed a single file in front of us. I estimated that they were about one hundred. They were mostly ponies and griffins, but I saw a few zebras and diamond dogs. Ruffus had told me that a diamond dog could become a slave if he or she committed a crime not grave enough to be punished with deaths, or if he belonged to another warren, was caught and said warren refused to pay for his liberty or exchange him for another slave.

“This is first whistle,” he said, showing me the one he had used, “knowing time very important. I use this,” he showed me a watch on his wrist, “slaves take care of slaves. You come after eating, at 9:30 and blow whistle. They ready for work,” he turned to the slaves, “good morning, scum! This be Balto, he be Goozar’s new assistant,” he laughed, as he found the idea funny, “give me report.”

The old unicorn who was first in the line looked up.

“Wind Chaser is still too sick to work and Zekuro is stable and will probably recuperate fully from his injuries,” he said.

“This be slave mayor. He be Alpha of slaves, knows everything. You have question about slave, you ask slave mayor,” Goozar explained to me. “Alright, let’s go,” he added and we headed to the gates. There waited ten more dogs, wearing helmets and chest plates and wielding spears. “These be miners. They watch slaves, do things ponies can’t when we no have dog slaves and make sure slaves dig well,” he told me, “dogs! This be Balto, he be my assistant,” he told them, causing a few short laughs.

“You old, Goozar! You need cub helping!” said one of them between laughs.

“You call Balto cub now!” replied Goozar, grinning, “maybe regret that when I gone and he supervisor!” The laughter was now directed to that dog.

“Alright,” said Goozar after a few seconds, “enough laugh, now work.”

To arrive at the mines we had to cross another segment of the labyrinth, this one much shorter. The mines were pretty similar to the ones that appeared in the show, bigger and less oppressive than real human mines. Goozar was holding a huge map of the mines.

“This be mines map. Has pony magic for draw with claw and erase with fur. We follow five paths at same time, always same quantity of work. If slaves work good, they leave work early, if they work slow, they no leave until they finish. That good, slaves make lazy slaves work, or they work more. Sick and injured slaves heal fast, because they want to help friends or they hated by rest of slaves. If bad thing happens and impossible to finish day work you ask Alpha,” the slaves and diamond dogs were already going to their assigned places, “I stay here, only leave if miner needs help. You go with one group, they show you. If I need you, you hear this,” he blowed another whistle.

I never heard that whistle again, so I spent most of the day with a group. The two miners, Whoofer and Barker, showed me how they did their work. It was, all I all, kinder to the slaves than I expected from Ruffus’ information. They had spears for intimidation and self-defense, and a whip. They told me that the whip had to hit the air around the slaves that did something wrong, and only hit the slaves when they did something grave. If they never hit them, they would stop fearing the whip, but hurting the slaves was counterproductive in most cases. The slaves were allowed to talk between themselves, as long as they got the work done by the end of the day. The older or weaker slaves carried water, cooked lunch for everyone and cleaned the portable toilets (which, surprisingly, were just like Earth ones, too) whenever it was necessary. I was disappointed, as the slaves were just slightly unhappy, giving me much less energy than they would if they were fully miserable.

I am angry because the slaves are suffering less than I expected, when did I become so twisted, and why don’t I give a fuck about it?

There were two diamond dog slaves in the group, so the miners didn’t have to do actual mining at all. Griffins were rather boring, they didn’t talk much and when they did it was about how they missed the sky. Ponies, on the other hand, were funny because each one dealt with his situation in a completely different, and sometimes stupid, way. There was a pegasus mare with Stockholm Syndrome that kept on giving us the looks, a big earth pony that focused on working as hard as he could and a unicorn that talked to himself. The work was measured as the weight of everything they extracted, with each group having to pull a ton of rocks and dirt before they were allowed to leave. The first group to finish was given a small reward each day: the diamond dogs ate nearer to the Alpha and the slaves were allowed to go home earlier.

“This group never first,” Barker said, “few dogs, many puny ponies.”

“Today I here, we can be first,” I said.

“How?” asked Whoofer

“You do what I say,” I told him, then I talked to the slaves, “listen! Today we first to leave! We no use whips, we work! If we first, we do same thing tomorrow. If not, we no help you, use whips again.”

“Goozar don’t like miners working, we guard,” complained Whoofer.

“Goozar know nothing if we no say. You no want winning?” I asked, and Whoofer decided to obey me after a few seconds.

With our contribution, our group managed to finish first. It also helped to make the time go faster, as I enjoyed digging more than I expected. Goozar used another whistle that was heard in all the mining complex to inform the other groups of our victory.

“You go with this group, this group finish at 18:00 and wins for first time in long time,” he told me, “explain to me.”

“I finish learning, I say ‘I bored, work fast or I angry when I supervisor’, they work fast.”

“Only that?” he asked, not believing me, then he noticed my dirt covered paws, “I see... You no do that again, if you do same thing slaves do, slaves think they are same as diamond dog. That bad, understood?” he scolded.

“Understood, Goozar,” I said, trying to sound sincere.

“Normal day, last group finish around 19:00. 21:00 is dinner time, slaves must finish before 20:30 or we late to eat. If they no finish with no reason, we punish with dark cave.”

The dark cave was their rudimentary version of isolation cells, a group of independent small holes with no light and poor ventilation in which they locked people for days. Diamond dogs were also handcuffed so they wouldn’t dig out of the warren. The slaves feared it so much that they always found a way to avoid it, so it was only used once every five years or so.

Goozar let me leave early with the group. I had a few hours of free time until dinner, and as Granite Back lacked any kind of computer I decided to take a walk around the warren. I went to the slaves’ tents, where I found only the two injured slaves, the pegasus Wind Chaser and the zebra Zekuro.

“Where da slaves at?” I asked Wind Chaser, who was lying on his bed with draped in many blankets.

“The ones who have finished working should still be on the baths.”

“Where da baths at?”

“...You are the new one, right?” he asked.

“Yes, name is Balto.”

“I will guide you to the baths, master Balto,” we only used each other names when it was necessary. The rest of the time they called us ‘master’ and we called them ‘slave’ or ‘scum’.

I followed the sick stallion to the baths, which were like a Roman thermae. Now that I think about it, Granite Back had many things in common with a Roman city. Most of the slaves from my group were there, too.

“Master, do you know how the bath turns work?” asked Wind Chaser.

“No, tell me.”

“The masters can use the baths whenever they want, unless the Alpha or Beta commands one to bath because he stinks. We slaves use to bath after work, so you probably want to bath before or after to avoid sharing space with us.”

“I can order you to leave, right?”

“Of course, master, but you might be held responsible if we stink the warren with our odor. We ponies sweat a lot, and sweat smells bad.” Translation: force us to leave and we will do anything we can to smell worse so you get punished.

“I see. You can leave now, slave,” I said, and he obeyed without further ado.

I decided I should take a bath, as I had noticed that the diamond dogs with whom I had interacted didn’t smell too much, so they bathed at least once or twice a week. I could have used my magic, but I didn’t want to waste it and miss the opportunity of taking a relaxing bath. I ordered a slave to explain me how the baths worked, and I followed his instructions. I already knew how romans bathed (more or less), so I could tell he wasn’t trolling me. The constant influx of chaos I received from the entire warren, specially when I was around slaves, was enough to ensure I wouldn’t become sick or crazy if I didn’t act chaotically, so I enjoyed my bath even if I couldn’t swim because diamond dogs due to being denser than water.

After that, I visited every building, save for the Great Hall which I already knew. There were many different stores, ranging from a blacksmith to a bakery, a few public buildings like an infirmary and a fire station, a warehouse and the slaves’ restroom. The warren also had a foundry below the main cave, whose heat was used to warm the bath’s water. I started to consider that I could get used to life in Granite Back. Why involve myself with ponies, chaos’ offspring and eldritch beings when I can just live here and be a big fish in a small pond?

The hours passed fast with my exploration of the warren, and soon I had already dined and was heading to my house to sleep. S͠uddenly͢,̡ ͡E̛XP̶L̢OSIO͏N͏!!͝! ͏S̕ma̢s̸hin͢g̸,̴ ̛k͟i͝ll̵in͏g̛,͜ d̡ev͡o̕ur̨in̸g͠ ͝all. N͢o͢ ̨o͠n͘e ̛is sa͏ved,̸ ͢t́he͏ c͝hos͏e͢n fa͟ll͜, r͡u͢n ̡wi͘t͠h ̵t̷he hor͠des̕, ́tŗam̛p͏l̡e̴ ͜the we̢a̧k,̵ ͏crus̴h̸ th̕e ̸sk̸ulls ̛o͘f ̡t̛h͢o̕se̶ ͡that̵ ća̕n'̡t sp͝ȩak.͟ Swea̵ti̵ng,̀ bļee͡d̡in̵g,͢ ͏yo̸u̡ŗ ͘ȩyes ̵g̵o͘ wi͜d̸e,̡ the E͡a̷r͡t̀h̷ is͠-

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̴̧̳̜̰̙̱̞͒ͧ̊̀ͦ̋̍̾̔ͭ̈͂̄̃ͅO̢̲͖̤̔̅͆ͣ͊ͬ͛̃͒̔̏͒̐͆̕͝͡͠3̛̼̩͓͇͉̳ͮ̓̓ͪ̍͗̏̿̇͜9̸̵̧̛̞̱̮̙͔̤̉ͪͥ̚0̴̲̼̦͙̼͎̬̭̘͎͈̞̮̑̃͗ͩͥ͂̋̽̒̓ͯ͆͒͡8̐̑ͧͣ̇̒ͦ҉̫̞͍̞̦͓̕ͅ3̶̶̢͖͕̰͍͇̯̪͙̻̼̱́ͩ̽̽̎ͣ̌͐͝ͅ5͎͇̰͉̟͙̠̹̟̙̯͕̘̦̻̺̹̦̾̅ͬ͆ͪͦͦ̒ͭ̿ͮ͂̉̎̔̑́̚̕͜͠͡Ç̛̼̪͔̱̖̃̄ͤͣ̋̔̑͂̀3̴ͪͧ͛̿ͤ͡҉̵̼͉͔̜͓J̵̘̫̱͙̤̭̤͔͖̰͉̭̯̦͙ͥ̍̈̅̈͌̾̔̏ͦ̽̀ͧ͋̾ͯ͘I̴͖̲̹̰̟͂̉̐̄̌͐͌́̆͛̆̾͆͌͞ͅ9̴̶̝̟̱̭͍̠̗̗̼̟̪̥͍̮͇̓̋̾̆̾̓ͥ͗̀́0̡̡̩̠̥͍̗̝̱̫̺̰ͪ̂̇̈́ͪ̑̄ͪ͆ͫ͌̃͗̀̈́͒ͤͅG̸̛̝̺̤̪̠͕̟͉̜͖͈̠ͥ̊ͣ̾̉́̍̇̆U̶̳̥͉̪̭̰̳̹͚͈͍̭̿̅̍̄́͌ͩ̾͠Ě̵̆ͬͩͤ͒̾ͬ͒̔̑͆̂͊̓҉҉̬͚̭͉͉͍̖Ï̛̛̩̣͕͓̞̗̪͔̓̇ͭ̀͘͘ͅOͫ̄ͪͨ͗̍̄ͫͨ̒̓̍̚͘҉̵̵̴̰͔̟͔̪̟͖̩̬͚̫͙͙̞͉̟̮̞͕̟̬̘̖̣͕̩̀̀́͋̓ͣ̀̒ͤ͗̋͜͢͞K̸ͪ̍́ͬ̿̕͜҉̙̭̖̗J̙̹̝̬̺͇̪͎͐́̔ͨ̀̍ͦ̓ͯ̋̋͌̀͢B̝̱͔̫̳̩̬͙̤̙͓͆ͨ͊ͥ̚͡N͐ͥ͆̓̑̀̌̿ͦ͐̚͏̶̵͈͈̣̥̦̠̮͎̘̮̰̰̗̻̙͕̼̣͓͘Gͩͣ͋͐̇͋̾̓̽ͯ̈̈́҉̡̼̮̺͍̝͔̹̝͍̘̤̲̥͉͕I̛̛̿̎̓͑ͦ͋̃̒̐ͭ̀̊ͩ̆̑҉̺̟̱̭̣̯̥̼̖̯͙̺W̴̛̟͈̣̰͌̄ͨ͛̂̈́̔̆ͅĮ̥͔̝̫̝͓̞̫̹̱̮̃͆͋̐̋͂͊͠͠L̵̷͔͕̘̫̟̳̺̙̼ͦ̇͌͑́L̶̸̡̜̘̰̮̣̫̪̰̩̟̖̪̲̭̟̩͋̾ͭͭ͑̂̉͗͊̈́ͦ̈͋ͪ͌̋ͤͫ̓͢͝ͅKͤ͌̑̓̄ͥ͛̎̀͏̞̼̖͙̭̗̺̠̼̹͈̪̀͞I̛̤͉̙͖̜̭̠̮̺̰̹̹̬̤̜̣͎̱ͫ͌̏͒̓̒͒͂ͪ̆̽̕͟ͅL̛͔̮͚̖̥͚̹̰̰̳͙͕̳̞͉̲̠͍̩͒͋ͭ̓̎ͧ́L̶̨̧̡̗̰͇̭̹͇͇̼͍̫͎̲̜͉̥͓͒̽̏ͦ̌ͪͪ̊͗ͧͫ̋ͦ̎ͨ̀ͅY̍ͪ̍͊ͥͬ̈́̋̉͗̉͗͌͞҉̡̮̲̱͕͔̻͘͡ͅͅO̷̡̹̣̲̰͚̲͚͔̲̮̭̻̮̭͗ͤ̓́U̔̄͑̽̾̂ͬͦ̔ͩ͏̡̤̥̭̣̰͙̜̟̰̩A̶̶̢͉͕̻͇̮̱̣͋ͧ̋̂̔͐ͩ͞N̸̺̳̥̳̦̼͕̈̎̄ͧ͒ͭD̸͆̿ͮ̈͑ͥͬ̊ͬͭ͑̕͠҉̯̼͚͔͙̼͔͙̝̗̻͍̯̦̳ͅR̵̻͙̗͎͓͔͕͖͇̬̓̋̂̎̈̒̐͊̽ͥ̎̑͑̀ͅA͙̙̣̠̗̰̮̝̲̞̜̬̜̲̣̩͈̓̈́̏̍̉͜͝ͅP̌͐ͤͤ͛ͭ̈̍̈̊̉ͤ̿͏҉͡͏͇͚͈̫͉͔̝E̔͑̔̂͆̇͆ͯ̐ͨ͗̔̾̉̾͊ͤ͛̆҉̧̦̱̩̜̠͈͓̖͎̳̼͈̭̗̣̝̤̕͟Y̴̢ͣͮ̋̍̾̎̋͗͡͏̘̥͓̫O̿̍ͮͬͧ̆̌ͤ͑̽̓͂̇ͬͨͦ̋̒͏̝̥͈̪͍̳͕̪̹͇͈U̵̶̫̥̣̮̟̬̲̭̘͖̯͕͍͉͋̏̀͆ͥͮ́̄ͬ̈́̀͜͝R̢̛͕͈͇̦͓͕̺̹̘͓̱̭̜͎̮̥͋ͭ̎̊ͩ̅̀̽́ͭ̀͐̇ͩ̏̐̚͢͠͝ͅB̶̯̫̹͚̹̫̾ͥͥ͂ͭͩ̿ͦͣ̚͘̕ͅO̷͍̱̥̱ͣ͂̆̏̾͗̆̓ͫ͑ͩ͆̃̊̓̄ͩ̀̕D̪͎̣ͤͧͯͯ͑̔̂̽͘͢ͅY̛̲͔͇̩̬̼̮͕͇̺̠̟̜̏ͭ͆͛̌̾̂͆̅͆̚͟͡͠ͅͅḦ̵͇͖͍̠̙͔͈̠̪̮̯̙̲̩̻̩́ͥ̾͗ͨ̉́͢͡J̸̢̛͍̰̝̙̺̆̀͗̔̑̈ͪ̊̆̈́̃͂̿̀K̫̖̺̗̤͙͇̱̞͉̱̻͓̱̳̝̳̳̳͋͌̎ͫ͊̉͊ͯ̅̍̓ͩ̓ͭͣ͟L̴̷̴̸̝͙̮͙̦͔̗͍̖̼̺̼͓̝̞̉͐̓̆͠V̵̧̡̞͍̦̪̱̖̟̫̻͈̇ͬ̄ͨ̓̾̉̐͋̇̉̎̆́͟ ̶͈͚̞̫̺͎͈̜̙̜̗̳̬̹̳͗̒̌̃͊̈ͧ̐̅́́͋ͪ̒͌̈͠Ñ̌͒̍̆҉̨̙̥͚͖̟̭̬̬̲͘͝͝ͅͅJ̥̩͚̞̰̳͖͓̬̻͔͇̟ͧ͑͆͒ͭ̉͛̔̏ͦ͆ͩ̽͗̚͘͡͡͡͠H̸̴̨͕̲̯͉͓̙͓̦̟͗̋̏͌͆̄́̆̂̂̄̂͂̎̍̌͊̀̚Wͪ͆̃͗̀͐̎́҉̱͓̯̲̱̦̻͇͍̺̗̳͞Ȩ̸̢͕̲̝̲̥̦̟͈̺͖͔̩̞͔ͩ͒̈́ͧ͐̓ͦ̐͂̽̏̒̈́ͩ̓̓̄̚̚͘̕Ŗ̘̹̯̞̮͉̥͓͕̱̣̼̹̳̤̼̆ͪ̃̇̏̒̇̋ͫͨ̈͢ͅT̶̵̸̪̜̤̘͉̰ͥͣ͛͂̈͐̈͘ͅU̷ͤͩͩ̽̄͋ͯ͏̴͖̼͇̲̜̰̲͖̗̗͖͍̘̩͇̼̜̗͈͝͞I̵͎͕̯̪̳͔̱̠̥̟̫̝̩͍̙̜͋̌͊̒̍̂̄̎̽ͥ̆̋̽́̕L̵̨̢̡̮̠̩̜̜͉̔̓͗ͤ̔ͪͩ̇ͮ͂̂̒͒ͤ̂͠Ñͩ͊̀̈̋̿̿ͥ́͆̈́̏̐ͫ̾̕͘҉͚͙͇͚͍̘̮̱̮̳̜͍͓̹̙͔̲͔G̛̤͚̬̟͈͎̞̖͍ͣ͋ͣ̓͗̍̿ͤ͑̓̈ͩ̋ͪ̀̆͜͟͠.̡̡̗͈͈̘̞͂̄͒̑́͟͢TWait̵̃̋ͪ͂̈́̔҉̛̭͚̘̭̣͇̭̭̠̭̩͕͇̱̘͕͓̥͠ͅM̢ͤ̀̔̍͡҉̳̰͈͍͖̞͎͕R̨̰̻̯̪̪̫̞̻̱͓̜̩̘̖̞̭̬͚͛ͨͧ̾̓ͥ̄̈ͮ̆̑̕͘͢͝ͅJ̵̵̫̺̠̳͉̼̞̹̙͎̊̇̋̐̋ͮ̔̾̊̚̚ͅȨ̸̨̻̟̗̲͙̝̼̌ͧ̋̔̃ͯͩ̃͂͂̏̎̀ͥ͌ͣ̄̑̕Ị̢̘͕͍̙̟̬͍͖̪̥͉̭̖̳̻̹̊ͤͭ̈́ͪ͛̔̅̕͠ͅS̴̡̹̘̲̪̖̗͎͊̅ͬͨͧͧ̔̈ͨ͐͂͆̒̃ͮͩ͊̓̀̀͠O̘͙͚̖ͭ͗ͫ͌̋́͌ͥ̌̔̃̌̕͟͞C̨̧̒͒̍̋ͪͤ̑͋̃̿̄̓ͧ̍̎ͪ́́͏̰͕̥͇̞̳̩͓͇̙͚͍͎̳Ļ̃ͣ̈́ͫ͒̀͞͏̞̠̗͔̫͝V̛̛̲͍̭͎͙̰̹̠̜̭̝͈̗̏̂̉̓͊̊̿̃,̸̢̰̖͚͓̜͓͍̬̗͔̭̠̰̬̥͇͖̾͊͛̉ͩͭ̂ͪ̚͘͝M̸̸̦͙̱̰̹̳̜̻͖̼̥̱͚̟̆ͥ͑ͪ̉̓̔ͭ͒̾̇̏̐̍͒͑̾ͅǴ̷̴̢̞̼̠̺̠̻̙̰̤͉͈̗͇̯̟̱̞͎ͣͥ̉̓̒͠H̨̱̯͔̱͖͈̮̭̜̙̪̱ͩ̿͑́͢͢Ñ̛͎͔̺̳̝̳͎̙̬̪̥͈̮̬͕̺̰ͭͨ̎̂ͥ̅̾ͯ̓ͤ̀̅ͦ̈̚͢Y̨̛̹̪͓͔͖̤̫̺͈̘̪͍̍ͭͮ̾́ͩ̉̽͂͗̄̓͗̌̽̇́̚Ḩ̙͎͚͉̜̖͉̌̀̔͛̉̎ͨͯ͂͑ͪ̑ͫ̌͛ͩͭ̀̚͝T̊̏ͨ̎̀̆̊ͬ̚͏͚͚̫̗͖̯̳̰̺̝͉̯̹̦̘̜̳͠͞Y̡͍̥͉̺̤̓̉̔ͯ̓̉͐́̚̚͢5̵̴̗͔͖͈͉ͩ̃̾̿͐͂͘7̷̂̿͆ͧ͌̿͊͑ͬ̑̑ͬ̊͌̾̋̚҉̵̨̱̺̣͓̻̺̣̠̯͍̺͕̼͔̳̫͚̫̕4̷̴̶̢̝̩͈̫̮͍̾ͪͧ̽̏ͪͧ̍̑͝E̶̵͖̫̟̯͈̞͉̟̬̠̰̱͐͂ͤ̋̔ͭ͗̈́ͤ̆ͪͩͬ͒̍̍̍͂8̷̷̡̩̥̺̝̬͉͇̝͍͌͋ͬ̃̌ͦͨͭ̈̌ͦ̌ͣ͊́̓̈̐͘͡Ȉ̸̡̛̦̪̫̲̼̦͓͖͇̫̤̏̀̓̐ͬ̐̃͘ͅD̵̸̰̥̙̦̟ͭ̑̏͌ͪ̑̀̉͌̀̒̇̒͆͑̾̓͒K͉̘͚̤͍͎̖͚̩͔͖̹͎̗̯̖͉̪ͦ͗͊ͤͦ̎̈́́͘M̴̨͖̪̳̘̻̺̼̠̥̙͍͚̲͒̓̏̽́̚͝͞ͅṈ̵̵̰̥̈ͬͮ͛͊̊ͣ̈̃͛͒ͪ͌̀͜͞G̡̣̙̜͎̹͍̖̖̬̳̼̹̯̓̒̾ͯ̚͘͜͝͠H̡̨̨͈͓̳̹̤̟͈̝̥͇͈̯͓͎̆̈̉́ͩ̎̚͜ͅJ̷͓̫̙͚͚̘͈͉̈̀ͧ̒ͤT̵̷̛̲̱̻̜̩̪͎̻͖̠͕͈̪̰ͦ̋̏͌̅̊̋͂͐̑͛̊̽̓ͣ͊̀̆̚͢͡Uͤ̂͋͌̎ͯ̾̅͛ͫ̋͋́́́̂ͦ́҉͈͈͉̠͉̺̯̱6͗̃̀̏ͭ͗̃ͩ̀͋ͦͣ͏̖̞͕̦̫̗̣͜͝͞7̷̶̸̢̪̩̮̟̣͍͎̮͈̽͛̄̌̉̽͂̓̀̒̍̚͡4̴̧̏̏̄ͤͣ̀͞҉̠̻͔̫͕̹͈8̶̨͙̺̭̳̺̟͇̯͖̰̣̪̜ͪ̏͂͑̅ͮ̐̎ͬ̽̊̋͘̕9̗̮͉̬̻͍͓̗͚͖̗̤͉̲̪̤̥̭̣ͤ̏̋̈̉̾ͮ́̃ͭͫ̋̅̽̓̀͠3̶́ͭ̈͑ͨ̅͒̀҉̢̜̯͔̖̜̱̩͟͠Ơ̺͙͙͎̙͑͊͗͑́̈́ͭ̒ͦ̄́͟͡0̛͍̥̱̙̺̰̰͉͇͔͔̘͉̈̅̈́̎ͭ͌̉̄̂̒͊̊͌ͬ̓̽ ̊͒͒̊ͩ̂̂ͥ̉̊͞҉̠̟̥̺̩̬͍̳̙͕̬̟̜̺̦͍W̰͇͍̪̪̘̣̠̝̖̦͖͕͓̒ͮͪͯ̓͋̋ͫ̊͗ͥ̽̓̋͋̓ͭͭ̚͢P̛̖̹̝͚̩̜̭̰̤͈̜̗̥͉͖͖̼ͣ̑̓̑̉͗͂͑ͩ̿̾ͣ͒̋̎͘͜ͅS̷̶̫̘̩̹͙͈̟͍̖̜̲͚͖̤͇̪͙͐͂ͤ͆̌̽͗̽̉̀̌͟Ñ̴̤̞̱͔̠̜̲̣̹̪͕͔̳͖͎̳̩̙̅͒ͪ̾̑̀͟D̷̤̫̻̲̭͕̳̖̳͉̮̬̤̹͎̔̒ͥ̅̓͌̄̂ͤͣ̇̈ͣ̑ͬͮ͒͝͠C̵̢̠̺̗̼̘͚̠͉͇̣̲͖̲̘͚͔̭̏̍̇ͦ̑̾͊̾̂ͮ͆ͫͥ͒̏̆́̑̒̀͞Ơ̡̼͈̳̺̭͔̜͚̺̯̭ͤͤ͗͗̎̆̀̿̍̉ͥ̒̄͋ͮͭ̀́̕I̍ͪͥͪ͂ͭͣͧ҉͔͙̤̹͕̥͔̺͟ͅV̷͑̎̂̍ͥ̊͆̿͗͑͂ͣ͊̄̂̇̐̾̚͡҉̙̼̩͇̻Ư̢͎̲̗̍̂̔ͬͮ̈̇ͮͮ̍̀͑̊͛̀͢͡͡Y̦͉̻̥̪̰̗̣̼̤̖̩̋ͤ̎̓ͫ̐̽͐̏̈ͮ͑̇̄̔̇ͫ́́U̶̵̮̻̻͈͔̅̈͒̌̅ͫ̋͊̍̎̔͐ͬ͘͟J͗̊̍̓̆̌ͤ̍̽ͣ̈́ͥͩͯ̂̄͐͏̡̢́҉̥̝̯̪̱͇̠̞̹̬ͅC̵̷̡̠̜̲͕̘̼̤͈͍̮ͫͥͩͧ̈́̀̊͂ͧ̐̆͐̈̾͊̋̀Ķ̴̺̥̭̤̮̟̟͚̭̩̫̬͕̳̇̅̐ͨͣ̅ͮͩ̋͆ͯ̏̊ͦ̒͆̕Dͭͮ̅̽̎͛̍ͫͣ͘҉̶̗̺̪̱̦͉̘̰̹̜̝̳̺̣̱ͅL̹̠͈̪̬̭̲̿̈́̎̈ͥ͐̽̓ͨ̅̾ͬͮͪ͌̚͜͜͞͠͝E̡̢̫̰̞̯͔͓͙͕̟̱̊̂̅̒̒̓ͪ͑ͮͤ͆͛ͩͨ͢͞W̡̧̘̹̭̮͇̟͕̞̟̫̹̘̯̥͓̞̼̓ͭ̔̌̏̓̒͆̿̇̎͗̄ͯ͌̂̀̚͝Lͫ̄̿͋͗ͦ͂̑͂͆̔̎͏̧̨̪̩͎͍͚͖̬̺̩̝̻ͅR̬̠̤͉̗͔ͯͤͭ̄ͪ̒̽͛̔͘͡F̸̵͚̣̖̣̜͙̮͓̭̦͙̈́͆̔ͬ̇ͤ̋̉̌̉ͬ͊̾̉ͯ͐ͪͦ͟͞͝ͅĶ̨̛͈͕̟̩͎̙̬͉̤͓̖̃̂̔̐̃̏͑̎͌̋̔̋̂̀͘G̢͇̲̰̤͙̘̭̩̼̠̠ͯ͐̾ͮ̅̍̐ͤ̏̍ͨ́ͨ͟ͅA̢̧̪͇̞̺̭̥̗̮̻ͧ̾̀͞D͕̞̥̱͚͚̦͍̺̼̹̯̻͙̬̜͎̹̐ͯ̇͋͊͐̑̀̿̆̽̈́̃͒ͤ́̄̈́ͣ͘͟͠Dͫͧͬ̅ͨ͂ͪ̎̓ͭ́͡͏̪͈̭̻̮̫̮͈͍̪́Į̸̶͈̹̙͖͔̣̗͎͙͉̙̿̂ͮ͆̂͛͐̾̒͑̓ͤ̐́̚C̷̵̴̼̙͔̣̠̭̤ͫͮͮ̇͗̐͆ͬ́͋T̵̻̘͚̪̜̠̻̺͕̣̤̘̹̠̖̞̫͎͇͋̃̇̌͐͐̾͂̈́ͮ̓̂ͩͨ̍̀͜͟͝Ẻ̶̸̡̧̮̘̞̖̤̗̈ͪͯ͐̉̂̅̈́́͋̆ͭD̋̆̀͊̈̾ͩ҉̶͏̩̜͕̙̰̖̫̰̥̖͘Ţ̨̢̢̬̟̪̮̜̼̱̦̲͑̎ͤ̌ͅͅO̅̏̇ͫͬͤ́̅̈ͫ̽͆̍̾̑̇͏̱̬̜̱͓̦̯̰͠V̶̴̵̬̰̻̼͍̪͒̿͂̏̏́̿̔͋̍̓̎̽͟ͅA̷̶̬͉͇̟̬͎̮̮̻̗̘̮ͦ̋͐ͪ͛͡͡ͅG̴̈͗͗͌̌̐̎̀͂̆͐̋̽ͤ̌̌̚҉͔̣̟̣̖͉̬͉̹̖͈̻͖̥̭͇͚̯͚́̕͞Ȉ̴͙̙̰̼͚̩̦͖̟̭͓̱̪͈̪̹͖ͪͯͥ͝N̢ͫͨ͒̑̂ͬ̀ͮͤͥ͝͏̘̹͓̰͔̥̗͇̟̠̫̩̞͉͍̯̰̠͢ͅĄ͉͔̣̣̰̤ͧ̔ͥ̃̈̽ͦͣ̆̅̊̈͂̀̚Ĺ̷̡̰̝̣͇͇̜̫̱͎̦̟̜͙̖͆̾̑S̶̴̢͇̬̮̳̙͍̪̪̱̙̹̦̑ͩ̂̓͊ͩ͟͝K̷̵̵͍͖͔̯͇͉̣̺̐̋̅͆̆̃͘I̷̸̡̪̳̥͔̲̞̻̰͓̩̯͖̗̤̘͌̾̃̇̊̀̊ͦ́̈́͒͒̓͢N͎̟͙̙̫͕͈̟͔̖̤̩̩̩͌̐͂̐͝J̧̡̛̦͓̗͚͕ͭͨ́ͦ͢U̶̻̺̣̳̖̙̯͉̻͈ͤ̿̄́ͯ̄͛͒ͫ̓͒͊ͬ͌̽́͢͝Ņ̴̪̪ͯ̆ͥ͐ͤ̒̃̓̊̉̏͊̕͜͡ͅ6̨̫̘̟̼͈̥͔̘͈̘͔̱̜̾͗̅ͯ̉̽̊̀ͅT͙̦̰̫̱̦̙͓̱̮͖͕̹̖̫̝ͩͤͪ̉̏̄ͥ̓̐ͮͪ̓ͤ̾̀̚T̢̳̗͎̻̱̼̭͕͕͚̩̜͉̣̮̩̥͙ͯ͗ͭ̍̓͐̃ͨͧ̍̽ͦ͋̐̾͛́͆̈͝7̵̛̮̪̩̭̾ͧ̋̍̃̅̄̂ͮ̔͋͝͞8̶̶̬͓͙̦̬̯̮͉͎̖̭̩̤ͨ̈ͮͦͧͦͨ̋̈́̓ͨ͂͆̽̚͜ ͙̞̼̼͎̬̎ͩ͋̏͗ͦ͒̋ͫͨͥ́4̸̨̰͍̙̣͇͇̺̤̬̪̠̯͖̜̭̘̼̬̣ͥ̾ͭ̔͛ͧ͒͂̅̚͝͞9͆ͯ͋̈̍̽ͤ̄̈ͩ̆͐̆̇̄ͩ͏̴̸̛̛̟͇̘̠͙̮̦͖͈͚̩̱̱͖̜͇͍͉3̧͇̳̪͇̯̘̝̯̠͚̯͛ͪ̓͒ͭ̊̿ͬ̽̓͋ͣ͑͟0̴̨̛̤͉̩̲̰̗͔̹̻͎̖͇̗͓̖̋̔͊̃ͨ̐̊̉͊̐̐ͯ͗̉̐͠͡4̵̨͇͖͔̙͙̦̪̻̟͖̣ͣͮͬ̆ͮ̈ͫ̈̎́̓́͊́5̶̘͈̲̠̭͍̱͉̬̖̠̞͓̼̭̣̮̤̂ͣ̆̐͆̑̃̑̾̂̎Į̔̉̊̈́͒ͭ̿ͩ̽ͤ̽̅̇͑̃̚͝͏̭̟̖̱͖͉̲̺͎̗̣̹͇̖͔͢͞ͅO̱̬̳͓͉͓̰̞͉͚̗͍͖̥͈͍̻ͫ̔̽̑̎̒́̕̕͠͡ͅ6ͮ̅̍̿́ͫ̽̄ͭ̂͌͑̈ͤ҉͖̜̯͉͍́̕͞G͍̹̭̗̘̱͖͔̥̝̞̜̪̠̋ͦ̽̊ͩͪ̈̌ͤ͢F̢̟̰͚̣̗̝͎̂͐̐̀̍̇̒̃̍̈̋̋͛ͭ̀͢7̨͛̋͂͆͠͏̵̡̞̰͚͍G̘̙͎̟͔̖̰͉̙͍͙̝̪̝̺͈̊͗̒ͮͥ̄̓ͭ͐ͥ̿͆̆ͩͧ͂̍͘͘͘͝ͅ6̵̷̨̖͔̥͓͎̭̖͓̜̟͕͇̟͈̬̺̗̇ͥ͆ͭ̈͛̊̅ͣ͋ͯͣͨŢ̶͇̩͔̹̭͉͈͈̰͚̗͍̯̭͎̞̱̖̌ͯ̈̌̈́̇͒̀̇̆̈ͥͪ̑̚͟͞ͅI̶̷̭̮̫̬̩͖͊́̑̉ͯͤͨ͆ͧ̒͂͌̇̆̿͂ͨͫ̿͢F̧̈́ͧ̐ͦ̽̒̑̂ͣ͋ͤ̿҉͓̗̜͙̫̭̤̖͈̗̯͕̥͎͍̗̖̖͝͝ͅO̶̵̪̫͔͓̳̫̖͖̩̖̰ͥ̎ͨ̍̓ͣ̔ͤ̓ͥ̈ͯͣͧ̎̽ͯ͛̚͠ͅP̴̧̗̤̥͖̗͙̟͙͛̓ͯ͒ͭ̔̊ͪͦ̍̆ͥ̓ͬ͜͟ͅV̸̸̷̺͕̝̰̤͙̮̹̻̖̩̭̺̘̯̿̓ͪ̆̉́̇̆͆͋ͣ́́͢͡Ĝ͍̖̭͙̼͎̮͍͉͙̦͎̪̪̖͚͕̫ͯͨ̾ͪͨ̀͜P̴̶̼͉̰̙͉̹̱̜͉̲ͫ̾ͭ̏ͦ̈́͊̑̈́ͮ̅̍̀̄ͣ͋́H̶̯̟̝͈̯̣͓̣̤̳̹̹̼̞̦͊̀͗ͥͦ̽ͣ̂ͨ̐̃̄͢O̶̧̞͔̠̘̟̹̳͎̝̜̟̺̥̊͂̓̎̋̏ͪ̀ͅK̶̢̯͍̥̝͈͈̘͎̙̖͓̃̓͊̃͛ͣͫ́͊̅̎ͪ́̊ͪ̍̉̋̕͘Jͯ̅̉̿͏҉̸͈̳̻͜͠ͅK̄̊̓̊̆҉҉̡̖͔͙̝͙͢͟ͅB̶̧̘̖͉̯͖̝̤̼̼͖͖̟͎͇̏̿͗̀̿̋̽͑̒ͧ̋͛͒ͣͪ̎ͨ͜͠L͒̌͒ͭͯ̄͑̈̔ͪ̒ͤ́҉̢̢͓̙̫͈͔̼͍͚̝͕̣͔̠̰̕ ̣͚̬̖̜͖͇̣̩̠̪̯̥͓́̿͑͑̀͂̑́͝Ñ̵̬̞̩͙̰̥͔͍͍̥̫͉̒ͪͬ̏ͫ͞

…

Shit, I didn’t know I could have mental breakdowns here. I must stop for now and do chaos or I may completely lose it.

5: Rise of Havoc.

Time is relative where and when I am right now, so I don’t know how long it’s been outside since the last time I did this, but it must have been less than a month (I hope). Let’s get things rolling while I still can do this.

I spent the two days until my welcome ceremony getting used to living in Granite Back. I learned more about Drogur’s job, which wasn’t limited to supervising the mining work. He also had to make sure the slaves’ basic needs were covered, that the buildings and commerces ran by them worked properly and that the ones working on the crop fields out of the den brought enough food. His work was harder than it should because neither he nor his subordinates could write or read, so he had to keep all the information in his mind.

The welcome ceremony, which didn’t have an official name, as it had been also called rite of joining, enrolling and ‘that thing you do, then you member of pack’ was really simple: the pack formed a circle with me and the Beta inside after dining, we had a short fake fight and then I surrendered to him. That was all. Since then, I received a better meal and sat with the other apprentices/assistants of the pack. They were brighter than the miners I had dealt with on the previous days, but they were still stupid when compared with humans and ponies. At least they were friendly and amusing.
The day after I became an official member of the pack, I found that a piece of paper had been put up on my door while I was in the mines. I read it as I went in.

“Balto,
You know how to read, right? If you do, come to my house after dinner and bark three times at the door, I want to speak with you.
Drogur the Arcane”

He signed only with his name, but I could smell him on the paper as well as an unknown dog (probably the one who brought the note), which was a better confirmation of the note’s authenticity than any signature. Drogur the Arcane ignored me and closed the door behind him when I followed him from the Great Hall to his house that night, so I barked three times as he told me to. Then he opened the door.

“Come in,” he said with a grin.

This time he led me past his throne room to his house. His house was way bigger than mine, with a chimney and many nice pieces of furniture. Is that a gramophone? It is! His wife, another male diamond dog (the one who put the note on my door, according to my nose) and the three cubs were sitting around a table.

“Welcome to chez Drogur,” he jokingly said, “you already know Gavriila. These are my children: Gwar, Aelia and Marius,” Gwar was the eldest sibling, almost as big as me and about to reach maturity, Aelia was about to hit adolescence and looked like his mother, and Marius was the youngest and more energetic of the trio.

“This dirty old dog is Julius, Granite Back’s keeper of knowledge. Dogs, you already know Balto,” Drogur finished.

The keeper of knowledge was the diamond dog who was in charge of memorizing all the history and technology of the warren. As they had writing, he was more of a librarian than a living encyclopedia.

“I expected to see the Beta here,” I said after finishing the formalities of meeting the new dogs.

“My brother Borduk is just muscle,” said Drogur, “which is good for me, as he has been the Beta since he reached adulthood, a few years after I defeated father and became Alpha. He knows better than challenging me, and no one else can beat him in a fight, so I can focus on running Granite Back instead of dealing with new Betas every week. However, he never participates in our meetings.”

“About that... Why am I here?” I asked.

“Because we are the only ones who would rather use our heads to think than to headbutt someone else in Granite Back, and you are a good candidate to join this little group,” explained Julius.

“Since you are the newbie,” continued the Alpha, “you will tell us about Copper Depth. We are neighbours but we have always ignored each other.”

I told them everything Ruffus had told me about his den, hoping to convince them about my origins. Afterwards, Drogur showed us seven Equestrian newspapers. He had a deal with a pegasus who brought him the newspapers of the past week every monday and was paid with a few gems in exchange. Equestria was Drogur’s biggest source of concern, as dragons ignored Granite Back since a pair of them died in mysterious circumstances (which no one explained to me), preferring to demand gems from less dangerous warrens.

“For a thousand years,” explained Drogur, “Equestria has ignored us. But since Discord’s return and defeat there are winds of change. There’s this crazy Griffin travelling around with a ship of pirates that wants to end slavery, rumours about the legendary Wolf Alpha, ancient evils leaving from Tartarus and much more. We need information about all of those things, or we may find ourselves doomed.”

I was fully integrated in Granite Back’s life after the first two weeks. All the bitches knew I would become important soon, so many of them fought for my attention and I could choose which one I wanted to have furry sex with each day. I made friends with my workmates and with the dogs I ate with. On top of that, I enjoyed Drogur’s intellectual activities, like brainstorming sessions and debates. All in all, I thought I could forget about Earth, the draconequi, Screwball and all that crap and live in Granite Back all my life.

“What are you going to do with the slaves?” I asked once, “their life conditions are better here than in most warrens, are you planning a slow liberation process?”

“Not at all, I treat them well because they work better this way. However, a civil war is about to take place in Gem Fido,” he revealed, “The Deeps and the rest of the supporters of slavery against Marble Pillars, the Griffin Pirates, the warrens they may acquire during that time and whoever comes to their help. Our territory borders Equestria, so I plan to transform Granite Back into an Equestrian protectorate, exchanging our slaves for better conditions. That way, we will have the support of ponykind and their living goddesses, even if we have to use paid workers in the mines instead of slaves.”

“Really? You would put yourself under the rule of the ponies?” Shit, that will eliminate my main source of chaos energy!

“Balto, have you ever been in the surface? If you have, you might have seen something floating in the sky that is so bright it hurts your eyes if you look at it, and warms everything with its light. You know who controls that? Princess Celestia does, so we already depend on her raising the Sun everyday to survive. Why shouldn’t we depend on her a bit more instead of taking a side in a war with an uncertain outcome? I like being the supreme power of Granite Back, but I would rather answer to an immortal being than to another Alpha or a griffin.”

Four weeks passed. My power kept on rising, and Goozar was giving me more responsibilities everyday. They all thought I was a hard-working diamond dog, or so I thought. One night, I went to Drogur’s house as usual only to find him alone, wearing a red armour that covered most of his body and wielding a sword, also red, on his right paw.

“What the-” I asked, only to be interrupted by his left paw choking me. He rose me from the floor and slammed me against a wall.

“Alright, I have been patient enough with you. I hoped you would leave and report to your queen after I told you my plans of joining Equestria, but after four weeks I am not going to wait anymore. Now show me your true form, changeling.”

“I’m... not... a... changeling,” I managed to say while gasping for breath. Fucking Drogur, can’t breathe. He loosened his grip a bit so I wouldn’t pass out.

“No? Then how do you explain your unique eye color, your uneven knowledge of our culture and the rest of the world, and the fact that I have been feeling your magic since you came here on the first day?”

Aw, shit, I really need to learn how to hide my magic. I turned back to draconequus, using my new strength to free myself from his iron grip.

“I am not a changeling, but a draconequus.”

“Impossible,” he said, his eyes widening as he stepped back, “there is only one draconequus in the world, and you are not Discord. Explain yourself!”

“I don’t know much about my condition, or how much I can tell you. I was turned into this by a real draconequus, and now I’m hiding from Discord’s minions, who want to kill me.”

“Why this warren?”

“I learned that you were accepting new members, so I took the form of a diamond dog and came here. I feed on chaos, and here I will never starve, thanks to the misery of the slaves and the violence of the diamond dogs.”

“Well, I am still your Alpha, even if you are not a diamond dog, so I order you to tell me what your powers are.”

I realized he was testing me: if I refused he would kill or banish me, if I agreed he might let me stay. I did a brief description of my abilities, excluding the mind manipulation which would only make him more wary of me.

“A draconequus...” he was still a bit shocked, “you can’t take on one of the pony princesses, can you?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly, “I have never reached a power limit before, so I may become stronger than them with enough time. I don’t know how strong they are, but I really doubt I could stand against them right now.”

“I need to think about this,” he muttered, “paralysis.”

When he said that last word, I felt magic energy coming out of him and I found that I couldn’t move my body anymore. I was shocked, as I didn’t know diamond dogs could do magic. He sat on his throne and stared at me, lost in deep thought. Meanwhile, I analyzed the magic energy that was binding me. The spell was maintained by a constant flux of energy from Drogur’s armor, which reacted to my struggles by increasing the power of the spell. The energy was pure, neither harmonic nor chaotic, so my only chance was to spend my own chaos energy until I depleted the armor’s reserves. However, I didn’t know if the armor had more energy than me, so I decided to wait for the time being. He just said paralysis and he was magic! That’s cheating! Well, at least now I know why he’s called the Arcane. I had to wait for ten eternal minutes (I am REALLY impatient since I became a draconequus) until he moved from his spot. During that time I noticed that his equipment was made with the scales of a dragon, instead of steel or something like that. There’s a level 100 blacksmith here? I want one of those!

“Congratulations, Balto!“ He exclaimed, “you have been promoted from assistant of the slaves’ supervisor to secret weapon!” The spell stopped holding me when he finished.

“Wat.”

“What you heard. From now on, I want YOU to become powerful and protect Granite Back from other dangerous beings,” he did the Uncle Sam pose as he said that.

“Like what, changelings?”

“Dragons, alicorns, windigoes, changelings, pirates, monsters from Tartarus, et cetera. If they want to cause trouble, you turn them into a bloody mess. Now turn back to diamond dog and get the hell out of my house, Balto,” he ordered.

“By the way, my real name is Havoc,” I said as I left.

What did just happen? That guy is crazy, who in his right mind would let something like me live under his roof? I went back to my house and wondered about how fucked up Drogur’s mind must be to reach such a decision.

That same night I tried to copy his magic. I pointed at a small worm I had found and said “paralysis”, but nothing happened. I can do magic but I can’t do it when I say the magic word? Fucking magic, how does it work?

The Universe decided to troll me again, so two days after that a dragon landed atop Granite Back’s mountain (whose name was Granite Back, too) and changed the course of the river that supplied us with water to force us to face him or die of thirst. Drogur barged into my house, wearing his dragonscale regalia again, and told me about the giant lizard atop the mountain. Wait, did I just say dragonscale regalia? Wow, just wow.

“Let’s see how strong you really are. We meet him, listen to his demands and if I don’t like what he has to say you kill him, OK?”

“I don’t know if I can take on a dragon, the worst thing I have fought before is a manticore,” and I only managed to make it flee.

“You will be fine, I guess,” he said, not really trying to sound convincing.

And so, the two of us left Granite Back, with me hiding as a frog in one of the little pockets of his belt, as he didn’t want anyone else knowing about my true nature (and he preferred to take all the glory of beating the dragon for himself). I changed to dog again and we climbed the mountain. The huge green dragon, as big as the one who attacked Spike in that episode, had smelled us coming long before he saw us, so he was sitting on a rock and waiting for us.

“Dogs!” he exclaimed, “I am Thuryol, I have come with an offer for you.” That’s one huge dragon, how am I supposed to beat him?

“What kind of offer?” asked Drogur.

“You will give me this rock’s weight worth in gems every month,” he said as he grabbed a huge rock that weighed at least half a ton with one of his claws.

“And if we refuse?”

“You will die,” he half-growled, black smoke coming out of his nostrils and mouth.

“I will give you a chance to leave now and conserve your life,” said Drogur while smiling, “if you decide to stay, we will dine dragon tonight.”

Thuryol roared with fury and jumped toward us. I changed to draconequus and fired a small energy beam to his left eye while avoiding his claws. His scaled eyelid protected him from losing it, but it still dazed him.

“You are not a dog, but I will kill you either way!” he shouted.

I had been thinking about how to beat a huge dragon since we left the warren. Thuryol was physically stronger than me, he probably had more energy reserves and his resistance to magic, which was probably several times stronger than Spike's, made it all worse. I used my mind manipulation to trick him into seeing me somewhere else. It was working, as he started to attack the air where he saw me avoiding his attacks, but my magic was depleting faster than with any of the creatures I had tricked before. I flew to his back, changed to bear and broke his left wing’s base bone with a powerful attack. Is it wrong to be turned on by the sound of a huge bone breaking? I gue- Wait, lolwut? I discovered something incredible just then: dragon blood was charged with pure magic. Much like the energy in Drogur’s armor, it was just pure magical energy that I could consume now that it wasn’t protected by his body or soul or whatever or being channeled as a spell. It was also different from taking chaos energy. I could attract the chaos energy to myself like a magnet with no effort, while taking pure magic was more like drinking water. I wasn't an expert of magic theory (and I still aren't), so I could not make a proper explanation on how I can take both kinds of magic and which differences do they have, but it worked so I didn't question it.
This discovery distracted me for a few seconds from the fact that I still was a bear standing on the back of a dragon who was very angry and no longer seeing a fake me in front of him. His long tail coiled around me like an anaconda, my efforts to free myself useless. Shit!

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, BUT I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERY LIVING THING BELOW US FOR THIS!” he screamed. SHIT, think fast Havoc!

I changed into frog, freeing myself from his grip just before his firebreath burned me to ashes. Whew, that was close! Changing back to draconequus, I took the magic from the spilled blood and created a barrier to protect myself from the flames the dragon was pouring on me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t too versed in the art of creating magical barriers, so I got my fur signed and the leaves on my left arm burned. I created a snow globe with a small dragon in it and threw it to Thuryol’s face, encasing his maw on a block of solid ice when it collided. I charged at him while he tried to break the ice with his paws, and punched him in the neck, powering my fist with magic. My attack wasn’t really effective, as I wanted to blow a hole in his neck and I only managed to break the scale I hit. I heard a sound similar to three blades being unsheathed at the same time, then the dragon used his extra long and sharp claws against me. His brutal slash hit me in my torso, eviscerating me. I quickly changed to dragon to avoid the pain and death and flew off, trying to find a hiding place to heal my main body.

“I can’t beat that lizard!” I shouted, hoping that Drogur would come out from wherever he was hiding to help me.

“Vacuum!” I heard my Alpha shout, then the constant roaring of Thuryol stopped abruptly.

I turned back and found the dragon gasping for breath, but unable to do so. He clawed at his face, hit the floor with it and did a series of convulsing movements. After five eternal minutes, in which I barely managed to heal myself, he died. When he did, all the magical energy started to leave his blood, which turned darker by the seconds. I managed to take a good portion of it for myself, but the rest spread all around the zone, so trying to gather it would cost more energy than it would give me. That was dangerous, but now I have much more energy than before, if I ever find a way to easily kill dragons I will become invincible in no time! Also, next time I will make the magic flow between the dragon and me visible so I look like a freaking dovahkiin. I used the energy to heal my draconequus body before returning to it.

“That was rather impressive, even if you failed when you tried to punch him,” commented Drogur, who was behind me, “why would you do such a thing?”

“I thought I could blow a hole in his neck, I underestimated his toughness. I almost feel bad for him, he had no choice against that spell of yours,” I said as we walked back to the warren’s entrance. I was also angry because I could have killed him the same way if it had occurred to me.

“He was an idiot. Dragons can hold their breath for a long time, he could have used that time to kill me and end the spell, instead of panicking and wasting the air in his lungs even faster.”

“Even so, it feels like cheating to be able to kill something so powerful with such a simple spell.”

“You are a magic creature, so you must know that the farther away your target it, the harder it is to maintain a spell. He could have just flown away until he broke the spell.”

We climbed down the mountain in silence for a while.

“I want to know how you do magic.”

“It’s a secret. Deal with it.”

“If you won’t tell me, I will discover it by myself.”

“Don’t get too cocky around me, Balto, it was me who killed the dragon, not you.”

“Yes, my Alpha... What are we going to do with the dragon’s corpse?”

“Weapons and armour for the strongest dogs with the scales, turn the bones into powder and sell them for a really high price to the Equestrian alchemists, the usual,” he calmly explained.

“The usual? How many dragons have you killed?”

“Only two, a teen red dragon whose scales I am wearing now, and an adult brown dragon that flew off and died in the territory of another warren, so we couldn’t take his corpse without starting a war.”

“Wait, you maintained a spell on a dragon who flew out of your territory?”

“No, I jumped on his back so he wouldn’t escape.” Oh God this guy is SO. FREAKING. BADASS!

I hid again in his belt and we returned to the warren, where he proclaimed his victory. Then he told everyone to stop working on whatever they were doing so they could loot the dragon’s corpse faster and attend to the celebration he would hold that night. I left him as soon as I could and then I joined the rest of the dogs in the mountain. I helped Goozar control the slaves, as the pegasi and griffins could fly off if we stopped watching over them and they managed to break the ropes that bound their wings to their bodies.

“Why no pluck feathers so they no fly?” I asked Goozar.

“If they no fly, they sad and work bad. They can fly on main cave when they no work. They happy, they work good, we happy.”

We continued working for most of the day, as gutting a dragon is a hard and time-consuming work. Finally, we returned to the cave and the bitches started cooking a huge dragon stew.

Dragon meat is the best meat I have ever tasted. The rest of the pack seemed to think the same, as we all ate until we felt sick. After that, the gems and the alcohol came into the mix and the “party” soon evolved into a massive orgy, but I won’t describe it in detail because of reasons.

The next day I woke up with the worst hangover ever. Fucking diamond dog moonshine, I knew I shouldn’t have had the last eight refills. I tried to get up, but then I realized I was trapped between the huge arms of another diamond dog who was hugging me from behind. I turned around and saw the fattest, ugliest, dirtiest diamond dog of Granite Back.

“Hi there, hot stuff,” she said. I felt a cold shiver running down my spine.

“Uh... Where I am?” I asked as I got up. Oh god, I ended up fucking the fat one, AGAIN. Oh, right, that was the second time it happened to me. The first was when I still was human and it was very awkward for both of us. She was a nice girl, fat and ugly but friendly, the perfect internet friend who you never meet in person. Now, THIS ugly bitch...

“You in my house. You very drunk, can’t walk to your house,” Shit, I don’t even know her name. “I bring you here, you still with energy, we have fun before sleeping.” SHIT.

“I remember nothing,” I admitted, “last thing in mind, Goozar challenging me to drink contest. Then all clouded,” She broke into a fit of laughter when I said that.

“Goozar is best drinker in warren. You crazy if you think you can drink more.”

“I have terrible head pain... What was your name?”

“Agnes. I leave now, time to work,” I remembered that she was Granite Back’s head chef. I hope she enjoyed it, I don’t want to find (more) spit in my food.

I followed her out of her house, then I went home and proceeded to apply bleach to my brain and eyes. Literally. Unfortunately, it didn’t make me forget and I’m sure I would have died if I hadn’t changed into draconequus to heal my diamond dog body before returning to it. Healing the damage done by the bleach also got rid of my hangover, so I could think clearly again.

I want a weapon made with dragon bones or scales! Wait, I can’t carry a weapon around when I’m on many of my other forms... That’s it! I must learn how to access hammerspace!

I went to have breakfast, determined to find a way to reach hammerspace that night.

6: Hammer Smashed Face

After two days of trying, I discovered how to access hammerspace. I had to both will it to happen for my magic to act, but I also had to follow a series of rules, most of them based on the rule of fun and cartoon physics and antics. I had to hide the object behind my back for it to disappear, and nothing would happen if anyone (including myself) could see the object disappear. I could only store hammers and stupid devices in there, so I had asked Drogur for a warhammer made with the bones of Thuryol instead of the sword I had in mind. He had accepted after I taught him how to play chess, a game he loved the moment he learned about it.

Yes, everything was going fine for me. That is, until that day, two weeks after the fight with the dragon...

It was a normal day, I woke up, had breakfast and went to work. Then something new happened.

“We have new pony slave,” Goozar told me, “big unicorn, maybe strong magic. That one.”

He pointed at a grey coated unicorn with a ruffled, white mane and red eyes. No way. His cutie mark was a pitch black circle. No fucking way. He had Prince Blueblood’s body build. That faggot has found me.

“Good, let’s work.” I must kill him as soon as possible.

The rest of the day was normal. I didn’t see Black Hole, and he didn’t draw attention upon himself. I finished my work quickly and went to Drogur’s before dinner.

“What do you want, Balto? I am busy,” he said when he opened the door.

“We are in danger. One of my enemies has found me.”

“Well, that is your problem, isn’t it? Take him out of my warren and kill him without breaking anything.”

“You won’t help me?” After I risked my skin fighting that dragon.

“Look, Balto. I may already have angered immortal deities and unspeakably terrible beings just by letting you live here. I don’t want to risk everything I have worked for by helping you beat your enemies,” he seemed to genuinely care for me, even if he wasn’t willing to move a finger to help me.

“I understand.”

“With that said, there is a way I can indirectly help you,” he moved his right arm and grabbed something, “your weapon is ready.”

He handed it to me. It was just a dragon bone with leather wrapped around the lower section for extra grip.

“It is... Very shitty,” I said, as I had something cooler in mind.

“No, it’s not. Dragon bones are almost indestructible, they are almost harder than our teeth. That is why ponies pay us so much for dragon bone powder. We can just gnaw at them instead of using lots of magic or enhanced diamonds or whatever they use to grind them.”

“Well, if you say so...” Never look a gift horse in the mouth, accept it and shut up! “Am I supposed to give it a name or something?”

“Why the fuck would you do such a stupid thing? Moreover, what kind of... That word you said once,” he said, looking at me expectantly.

“Faggot,” I supplied.

“What kind of faggot names his own weapons?” … Me?

“Well, thanks for the hammer. I think I know who I should hit first with it.” I’m so going to crush that Mary Sue’s head with this hammer... Fucking Drogur, now I will always call this hammer “hammer” instead of something epic because of what he said.

“Good luck, don’t break anything!”

I decided that the best way to fight Black Hole without causing casualties or revealing myself was to assign him to the farming group outside the warren the next morning, escort him myself and kill him before arriving to our destination. That is, if I CAN beat him.

Sleep eluded me for the first hour, as I was too worried about the upcoming fight.

A painfully high noise woke me up, a noise that came from the “slaves rioting whistle”, that I knew because Drogur had used it on my initiation ceremony so I could recognise it. I KNOW that Black Hole has something to do with this. I got up, took the cheap spear Goozar gave me once “just in case slaves want you dead” and left my house. The rest of the pack was already beginning to form a circle. I heard a powerful shout coming from the buildings’ zone, that remembered me of the Royal Canterlot voice.

“THEY WILL NOT FORCE US!” the voice was somehow accompanied by music. Muse again? I hate him SO much.

We closed the circle around the zone. I expected to see some of the slaves, or signs of their violent rioting, but I found none of it.

“THEY WILL STOP DEGRADING US!”

Soon we were all surrounding the Great Hall, which was the source of the shouting/singing.

“THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US!”

None of us dared to open the door, as we expected the slaves to attack whoever did it first.

“WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!”

The Beta walked to the door, carrying two humongous red dragonscale swords, and opened it with a powerful kick. We all charged behind him, but soon we found ourselves charging against thin air, as the Great Hall was empty, save for a grey coated unicorn that was waiting for us on the Alpha’s seat.

“NOW, ATTACK!” he shouted with the Royal Caps Lock. Oh shit, now we are surrounded by them!

We formed a circle, aiming our lances outward to protect ourselves from the impending charge. We were in total silence, the music having stopped when we entered the building, the only thing we heard was our own agitated breathing. Then we heard the hoofsteps of a single pony. An old unicorn, the slaves’ mayor, peeked through the Great Hall’s destroyed door.

“For the last time!” he shouted, “We are not doing an uprising! Stop acting as if we were with you before we get punished for your madness!”

… LOL

His statement was followed by a thunder of laughter coming from us. When I stopped laughing, I noticed the dark expression on Black Hole’s face. He mad.

“YOU WILL ALL PAY FOR THIS!” he hollered, his body growing as he turned back to his original form. Shit, he mad!

“I know you are hiding somewhere, Havoc!” he added, his voice normal this time, “I will destroy you, then I will release the slaves!”

His horn was surrounded by a pitch black darkness that sucked the surrounding light, instead of gleaming like normal horns did, as he charged a spell. It was released as a wave of energy that broke my transformation as soon as it hit me. I also noticed a dog on my left turning into a changeling. He looked surprised for a second and then flew off to hide somewhere. It was so random that even Black Hole lost his focus and stared at the flying insectoid, mouth agape, giving me a chance to attack first. I dropped my spear and jumped towards him, grabbing his horn with one hand and his neck with the other. I tried to break his neck, but his horn began charging energy and I had to release it to avoid losing my hand.

“This is our fight, not theirs!” I said as I tried to gouge his eyes out, “if we fight here we might hurt or kill innocents, so let me kill you before that happens!”

I managed to hold his left horn, (yeah, he had two curved, demon horns as well as his normal unicorn horn (just in case anyone forgot (if there's anyone listening to this at all (I should stop doing this)))) but when I tried to hold his right one with my other hand he bit me. His sharp teeth sunk into the bark of my ent arm so deep he couldn’t free himself. I put him between the pack and myself.

“What are you waiting for?! He wanted to kill you all! Kill him!” I told them.

The Beta threw a spear to Black Hole, and soon the others followed his example. He created a barrier to protect himself from the attacks while trying to free himself. I poured magic into my right arm to make it stronger and broke his left horn, which vanished into black mist. Unfortunately, that allowed him to free himself and fly away from me. He launched a barrage of black projectiles towards me while flying around. I tried to block them with a barrier, but they crossed it like it didn’t exist and I got hit by all of them. The moment they made contact with my skin, my body was set ablaze in black fire. The pain was unbearable, so I turned into dragon. My fireproof scales were damaged by the dark fire before it went out, which was surprising as dragons took lava baths, but it was nothing compared to what my main body was suffering. I tried to access his mind to manipulate his sight, but he somehow forced me out with magic. That distracted me and allowed him to buck me in the face, breaking my nose. I changed back to draconequus and flew after him, trying to hit him with explosive chocolate milk glasses. Black Hole was too strange to find that illogical, but the diamond dogs weren’t, so I could feed back on the chaos I caused as long as they witnessed our fight.

With so many dogs being “trolled” by my strange attacks I will never run out of energy, I can’t lose this battle.

He seemed to reach the same conclusion I did, because he broke through the building’s roof. I tried to catch him, but he was a faster flyer, so I teleported in front of him with my hammer already raised. I missed, as he teleported just before I crushed his skull. I turned around out of instinct and used the hammer to stop him just before he impaled me with his horns. He flew back before I could counterattack and fired black projectiles again. I had an insane amount of energy stored, so I stored the hammer by putting it on my back and healed the burns the previous projectiles had given me. He changed tactics and pulled me down with his gravitational magic, making flight impossible for me. I managed to stay airborne by holding my body with my own magic to counter his. I threw pies filled with acid at him, combined with old-fashioned fireballs. We kept on firing at each other and dodging for many minutes, neither of us showing signs of fatigue. At last, a pie hit him in a wing, dissolving his feathers and forcing him to land. I tried to come closer, but his magic pulled me away from him with great power. I crashed into a building, which unfortunately was the blacksmith. I was stopped when I hit my head against the anvil and many pointy weapons fell on me, some of them managing to pierce my skin. I pulled them out and ran towards my enemy. My sprint soon turned into a crawl as his gravitational magic pulled me away, making me feeling like I was climbing a wall while carrying a bag full of rocks. When I was three meters away from him, he changed the gravity so it would pull me towards him and, at the same time, he lunged at me. His two remaining horns were deeply inserted in my abdomen before I could do anything to stop him. Then, he charged his horn and released the energy inside of me, slicing me in two horizontally.

I changed to snake before I could even feel the pain of being bisected and bit him in the face. I poured a lot of magic into the venom I had injected in his body to make it much more lethal, then I changed to dragon and flew away before he could hit me again. My magic reserves were severely reduced when I healed my main body, but I still had as much as when I fought Thuryol. I saw that Black Hole was now lying on the floor, his horn charged with so much magic that I couldn’t see his face under the veil of darkness he had created. I landed and changed to cheetah, then I sprinted as fast as I could towards him. His horn stopped glowing and he slowly rose up, his legs shaking slightly. He turned his heads just as I changed into bull and rammed into his side with all the momentum I had gathered. The impact wasn’t strong enough to kill him, but it did break his spine, as well as many other bones, and injured my neck. His horn swallowed the light again, this time making me feel blind if I looked at it. I tried to kill him before he finished his spell, but the impact had stunned me and I reacted too slowly. I had only managed to pull my horns out of his body when he threw me backwards with the Royal Canterlot Voice.

“BEHOLD MY FINAL FORM!” he shouted.

((AN: I swear I wrote this BEFORE I knew about King Sombra’s powers.))

I looked at him, feeling a bit of trepidation. His body was pitch black now, not just his fur, but everything. I could no longer distinguish his eyes or his mouth, he was just a pony-shaped lack of light. That’s so Mary Sueish and faggish that it is even scary, but I still can beat him... I hope. I charged my ent arm with magic, making it glow with a golden light. I will settle this with a decisive strike, like they always do in animes. His horn also started charging a few moments later.
I started a punching movement to release the energy in my hand as a solid magic fist. He fired a black (of course) energy beam to stop my attack, but I was no longer in front of him. I had teleported behind him the moment he released his attack and, before he could move, I introduced my left arm up to the shoulder up his ass as brutally as I could.

“HOW DARE YOU-” he began shouting, but I interrupted him when I did the same he had done to me before and released the energy I had stored in my fist. His body literally exploded, covering the surrounding area in black blood and gore, which slowly vanished into a black mist.

Is he dead yet? Hm... No, he isn’t! I felt magic and found it came from Black Hole’s severed head. He was probably trying to heal his body, so I changed into diamond dog and bit his horn. I had to use all the power of my strong jaw bones, but I managed to break it. Black Hole tried to scream, but he had no lungs so he only opened his mouth wide until he passed out. I won? I won! At last I won against someone!

It took me a moment to realize that a good portion of the warren’s buildings were burning with either black or normal fire. Uh oh, I have to put those off, but then this fag might revive and escape somehow! What do I do? … First things first! I pulled the hammer from my back and smashed Black Hole’s face until his head was a just a bloody pulp. The noises it made would have made me sick when I was human, but I must admit I found them almost orgasmic. The black fire disappeared as the remains of his head turned into a black mist.. Well, that makes everything easier... Now to get rid of the fires, Discord style. I summoned a green wasabi cloud that covered the whole cave and rained piña colada until all the fires were put off. In the meanwhile, I went back to the Great Hall, where Drogur, Borduk the Beta and a few soldiers were already waiting for me. The soldiers pointed at me with their spears, but a gesture from Drogur made them lower their weapons. Wait, where was he while I fought that stupid OC?

“Such a pity I couldn't help you," Drogur said, "that thing you killed started many nasty fires and I spent the whole time saving dogs and slaves, at least the magic fire died with him... What is this thing raining on us?”.

“Rum, coconut cream and pineapple juice, don't ask why. Any casualties?” I asked.

“A few nasty burns, but no deaths,” he replied, then he smiled with sadness, “come with me, I want to speak to you in private.”

He put Borduk in charge until he returned and he led me out of the cave, not saying a single word until we were out in the open.

“You have to leave Granite Back,” he stated, “I’m sure you understand why.” I think he’s trying to sound solemn, but being soaked in piña colada kills the mood. Wait, leaving?

“Well, now everyone knows I’m not a diamond dog, but do I really have to?” I love living here! It kinda feels like home!

“Yes, you must. If that thing could find you, so can anything else that wants a piece of you. I can’t have you battling to the death with other abominations every week in my warren. Find a way to make peace with them, or kill them all, then feel free to come back. The dogs won’t question it twice if I say you belong to the pack, even if you are a draconequus."

“...Will you at least tell me how you do magic?” I had to try, didn’t I?

“Of course I will NOT,” his grin was suspiciously similar to a trollface.

“Then there is nothing else to say,” don’t cry, “until we meet again.” Don’t fucking cry.

I turned to dragon and flew away, managing not to cry. In fact, after five minutes I didn’t even feel sad. Yes, I had enjoyed living in Granite Back, and Drogur was sort of cool, but by staying there I had reduced my chances of returning home to zero. I will find a way back to Earth, whatever it takes. But... How do I start? I don’t think I can beat Screwball yet, so returning to Equestria could be dangerous... Where else can I go? Another diamond dog warren might give me more chaos energy, but I’m tired of furries... I can’t change into griffin so they are out of question... What about dragons? It could be fun. Dangerous, but fun! Yes, I thought that in Pipsqueak’s voice. Yeah, let’s try dragons. It will be a nice change, from living underground to being a flying creature. Killing them also gives me huge amounts of energy, so it will also help me become strong enough to defeat Screwball if I get into a few fights. Now... Where do I find dragons?

The universe, maybe as a way to pay me back for all the dirty tricks it had pulled on me, made me bump into a flying dragon just as I thought that... Yes, I might have been flying in a straight line without really minding my trajectory. That is why I was such a danger behind the wheel...

…

Great, now I also remember everything in my life related to driving.

Imagine my surprise when I realized that the dragon that was facing me was Crackle, or at least a dragon related to him. How is this freaking dragon flying with such small wings! It’s just impossible! I also noticed that he was frowning at me.

“Uh... Sorry for that, I was distracted,” I said sheepishly.

He shrugged (don’t ask how he did it) and continued flying. I followed him, as he would probably lead me to more dragons. He didn’t seem to mind, so I didn’t bother explaining why I was following him. It was a bit awkward, but I didn’t complain, as I was too busy trying to understand how the dragon was flying. His wings are releasing some sort of magic... Well, that explains it, sort of. After an hour I remembered that I was VERY tired, as I had been woken up in the middle of the night, fought against Black Hole and left Granite Back and it still was nighttime. The dragon, who I will call Crackle 2 from now on, didn’t seem to be aware of my presence, so I turned to owl, landed on his back, turned to snake and coiled myself around one of his spikes, making sure he was still oblivious to my presence. I think this is one of the weirdest things I have ever done. Crackle 2’s body was warm and comfortable enough for my snake body so soon I fell asleep.

7: Bad Dragon

“I can’t wait to be a useless piece of shit all day and play all these games,” I said, carrying a stack of video games. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the stairs in front of me and I started falling.

“Fuck I’m falling down all these stairs,” I said, somehow managing not to bite my own tongue.

“I warned you about stairs bro!!!!” Drogur shouted, “I told you dog!”

“It keeps happening!” I exclaimed, the stairs seemed to be never ending!

“I told you man, I TOLD you about stairs,” finished Drogur.

Then I woke up. Why do I always have weird dreams when I sleep in my snake body? I asked myself, and I still haven’t found an answer.
I was still on Crackle 2’s back, but we were no longer flying. I looked around and found myself in a barren land. It was very similar to the place where Spike went with the dragon migration in that episode, all desertic and with lava and shit. I’m not a stupid fanfiction writer that thinks he’s good at writing, so I’m not going to bother doing a detailed description of the place just in case a bunch of sweating bronies are somehow listening or reading my thoughts.
Crackle 2 was eating gems, so I slowly uncoiled myself and slithered away from him. There was no one else around, so I hid behind a rock and turned to dragon. OK, what do I do now? I was alone with Crackle 2 in a barren land with lava rivers, so I did what anyone else would have done in my situation. Lava river! I have to take a lava bath right now! I ran towards it, the heat that would have melted my human skin barely noticed by my body. I chickened out when I was about to dive jump into it, so I opted to enter slowly. I introduced a feet in the lava and it felt like hot water, only denser and kind of sticky. After a few seconds my head was the only part of my body above the surface. Oh my God this feels awesome. I didn’t remember the last time I had felt so relaxed and comfortable. I managed to find the Sun, which was a spot of light behind the dense ash cloud that covered the entire zone, and guessed it was around 7 and 12 in the morning. I miss my watch.

I tried swimming, which dragons could do better than I expected thanks to their powerful wings, and I let the current carry me without a care in the world. But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Wait, that’s not it... Uh... Oh, yeah, now I remember. I heard a loud splashing sound behind me, and when I turned around I found another teen dragon staring at me.

“I don’t know you,” he stated. He was a head taller than me and very lanky. His color scheme was the same as Spike’s, but that’s where the similarities ended, “I am ____
Oh shit, I completely forgot his name...
…
...
I will just call him Spike 2.

“I am Spike 2, what’s your name?”

Oh, crap. I forgot to think a new name. I guess Havoc will work as a dragon name.

“I’m Havoc, what do you want?”

“Well, you were just letting yourself be carried away by the lava flow. That is nice, but this particular river is the border between many territories. You are practically begging to be beaten by staying here. Come with me, there’s a bunch of us a few minutes away.”

I shrugged and followed him out of the river. He cleaned his body with great care, so I did the same. I guess it must be a pain in the ass to clean it off when it turns to stone.

“Havoc, check my wings, see any lava?” he asked. I was about to move them to have a better view, but I suddenly remembered all the clop images of wingboners I had seen, so I decided to just look without touching.

“They are fine, check mine now,” he did touch my wings, but it didn’t feel arousing in the slightest. That’s one less thing to worry about.

We flew to a nearby inactive volcano’s crater, where many teen dragons were playing something. Is it me or they are playing baseball? They were indeed playing something similar to baseball, but... Holy shit, that’s not a ball, it’s a diamond dog’s head! That’s so fucked up and disgusting I don’t know if I should feel sick or amazed. The game followed the same rules as baseball, the main differences were that they used their tails as bats, they could fly to catch the “ball”, and when someone got the ball the enemy team could block him like football players. Spike 2 facepalmed.

“I can’t believe they are playing that game again,” he muttered. “It’s so boring.”

“I have never seen this game before,” I said. I hope it’s not the dragon’s national game or something like that.

“Because it’s stupid, that’s why you don’t know about it.”

We landed where the dragons that weren’t playing at the moment rested. Spike 2 introduced me to all of them, and we waited until the game ended. Then three more dragons joined Spike 2 and me.

“Well, Caedmon,” said a dark red...

CAEDMON! HIS NAME WAS CAEDMON! Ugh I can’t believe I forgot it.

“Well, Caedmon” said a dark red dragon as tall as me, named Krug, “when I told you to stop being so stuck up I wasn’t expecting you to literally pull the stick,” he pointed at me, “out of your ass.” The others laughed at us. So you want to play that game, huh?

I looked from side to side, as if I was looking for someone.

“How come there’s not a single girl with you?” I frowned, “I hope you aren’t planning to take me to the gay sauna, I don’t swing that way!”

They all stopped laughing, and Krug bared his teeth. So homosexuality exists in Equestria and dragons hang out with females sometimes. It’s good to know.

“You and me, weird-eyed freak. Tail wrestling, now,” he said, smoke billowing out of his nostrils. I didn’t know how strong my dragon body was compared to the rest, and Krug was the bulkiest of the group, but I suspected I had to accept his challenge to avoid being considered a pussy.

“Hm... I don’t think it’s a good idea to lift my tail while you are behind me, but I accept.”

He is stronger. That was what I realized as soon as we started. I had no chance of defeating him, I had no technique or experience and his tail was stronger. That’s why I began cheating with magic. Trying to weaken him would be useless due to his resistance to magic, so I empowered myself as much as I could without returning to my main form. Thanks to that, I was able to surpass him and return to our original position. The rest of the dragons stopped cheering when they noticed I was beating Krug.. However, I was unable to make his tail move past that point. I felt how he changed his tail’s position and, suddenly, he was gaining on me. I couldn’t do anything to counter his superior technique, and soon he pinned my tail to the ground. As soon as he did, the silence was broken by the cheers of the dragons.

“Shut up!” ordered Krug, and boy did they obey, “Havoc, that was brutal!”

“Huh?”

“You’re really strong, I have never met a brown dragon that did so good in tail wrestling,” he said with respect. “We’re going to have lunch, want to join us?”

“Yeah, why not?”

I followed them as they flew out of the volcano’s crater. The other two dragons that weren’t Krug and Caedmon were called Brimrock and Gehenna. Brimrock was a light blue dragon with black ram horns. He was a bit taller than Caedmon, but big and fat instead of thin and lanky. Gehenna was a emerald green dragon with yellowish fins. Yes, fins, like Garble the red dragon from Dragon Quest. He was the shortest of the group and the most energetic.
They were rather cliché: the strong leader, the thin smart one, the big dumb one and the little jester. I will be the guy who gets all the chicks.
We landed next to a huge pile of gems. What’s with these hoards? Are they shared by teen dragons or what? Ugh, I should have used on Caedmon the same trick I used on that diamond dog to learn everything I could from him.
They began eating gems without troubles, so I did the same. They asked me about my background while we gorged on the delicious gems. I was able to not raise suspicions thanks to a mix of vague answers, changing the subject and luck. I was also able to learn a bit about them and dragons in general. Krug was the strongest of them all, but he was very hot-headed and impulsive. Caedmon was stronger than he seemed, largely because dragons had some sort of power ranking based on their color according to them, purple being between red and blue. Even so, he was more prone to intellectual activities and belittling others than to fighting. Brimrock was the second strongest, when he overcame his sloth and fought for real. He was a bit of a silent giant, and most of the time he seemed to be half-asleep. Gehenna was the polar opposite of Brimrock. He was small and weak, but he was almost as hyper as Pinkie Pie and sharp-tongued, so he and Caedmon were always trying to beat the other in an endless verbal fight that would have probably turned into a rap battle if dragons knew about rap. I was a brown dragon, which meant I had the lowest rank or something like that. Apparently, that made me the weakest, as my scales and fire weren’t as strong as theirs. It was complicated and they thought I knew about it, so I could only learn a bit about how all of that worked.

I found myself enjoying their company. They were a breeze of fresh air after so many weeks dealing with diamond dogs. Apart from Drogur, the dogs were awful conversation partners, boring and unimaginative. The dragons, however, were intelligent and always eager to have fun. If you replaced the gems with alcohol you would have the typical human teenagers. I decided to spend some time with them until a better alternative showed up. If I am lucky they will be prone to fighting to the death and I will be able to take their energy as they die. They showed me around the zone so I could avoid trespassing an adult’s territory. I also learned the general layout of the area and the main landmarks, like the cave in which they slept together (no homo) and the volcano craters in which teen dragons gathered. We joined a bunch of dragons that were playing king of the hoard. I began climbing the hoard until a yellow dragon to grabbed my tail and pulled, making me fall before I was even close to the summit. I saw Krug and another red dragon fight for the victory while I started climbing again, neither of them managing to defeat the other. Then Brimrock reached the top and, using his superior weight, pushed both of them down.

“King of the hoard!” he bellowed, raising one fist in the air.

“Oh, come on! He always does the same thing,” complained Caedmon, who was next to me, “and they always fall for it! Come, let’s show him who’s boss.”

We worked together to reach the top and throw Brimrock, and as soon as we did Caedmon betrayed me and pushed me from behind. Yeah, I should have seen that one coming. The game continued for a few minutes more, until a brutally ripped black dragon rose to the top and no one else managed to throw him. We continued playing and doing questionable activities until the night fell upon us.

“Well, Havoc, your time has come,” said Krug, a glint of mischief in his eyes.

“What do you mean? I already said I didn’t want to go to the gay sauna,” he facepalmed... Or should I say faceclawed? Nah, that sounds weird.

“What I mean is that now you have to prove yourself.”

“How?” I asked, and he facepalmed again.

“Don’t play dumb on us, you know what he means,” said Gehenna. Dude I have no idea what you want me to do!

“Yeah, everyone knows you have to steal as many gems as you can from an adult’s hoard and give it to the rest of your pals if you want to become one of them,” added Brimrock. Thanks for the info... Wait, I have to do WHAT?!!!

“Alright, any suggestions?” I said, forcing myself to grin and sound confident.

“Yeah, bring us emeralds,” said Caedmon, “I love emeralds.”

“Don’t listen to him,” said Krug, “rubies are better than emeralds.”

The four of them argued about which kind of gems should I steal for a few minutes.

“Hm... I meant suggestions about how and where to steal, not WHAT to steal,” I told them when they remembered why they were shouting at each other.

“You could have said that earlier!” Krug exclaimed, punching me in the shoulder to emphasize his point. Hey, that hurts! “Choose a hoard that isn’t too far away from here, we don’t have all day. Let us know which one you chose before going in there so we can tell you anything important. We don’t want you stealing from our parents or going straight into the cave of the most dangerous dragon around.”

I looked around and pointed at the nearest cave.

“What about that one?” I asked.

“I don’t know if any dragon lives there,” said Caedmon, and the rest nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, get in there and bring us some sapphires,” added Krug.

“I thought you had decided that you wanted diamonds,” I replied, wanting to create havoc (pun totally intended) in the group again.

“Oh Tartarus no, I’m not having this shit again!” exclaimed Krug, “bring whatever you want, but do it now!”

“Alright, alright, I was just kidding! Wait for me where Caedmon met me, you remember the place, right?”

“Of course I remember,” said Caedmon with arrogance, “we’ll be there.”

I flew towards the cave alone, considering my possibilities. I had decided that I wanted to join the teen dragon’s gang for the time being, so leaving was out of question. I could try to kill the dragon, but then they would discover my true nature and either fight or scorn me. Furthermore, the first dragon I fought could have killed me if Drogur hadn’t been there, so I wasn’t eager to try again. The cave’s entrance was so big I could probably fly inside with ease, but the deep claw marks on the walls showed that its owner found it rather narrow and probably had troubles to get in and out. Good, that means he won’t be able to pursue me if I leave the cave. I sneaked in, trying not to make any noise, and turned into snake as soon as I was sure no one could see me. As I slithered deeper into the dark cave, I could almost hear the typical music that sounds when cartoon characters are trying to be sneaky. Being a snake, I could move faster without making noises, so soon I reached the hoard. My jaw hit the floor (which isn’t hard when you are a snake, but you know what I meant) when I saw it. OH GOD IT’S HUGE. I had never seen a pile of treasure so enormous, it was so large it would probably fill two Olympic-sized swimming pools to the brim. A pink female dragon slept on the gargantuan mountain of gems. I knew the dragon was a she the moment I saw her, as her body was more stylized and her face had the usual feminine look female furries have in furry porn. Great, now my brain is being overflowed by all the furry porn I have ever seen, which seems to be a lot.

This might take a while...
…

Oh god what the fuck is that, I can’t unsee it!

…

Megusta

…

Alright, those last 300 images were hot.

…

Seeing pictures which I may have fap to previously and I don’t remember now is creeping me out.

…

Why is anthro Fluttershy always drawn with huge boobs? I mean, I like generous cleavages like every-AHH! WHAT IN THE NAME OF YOG-SOTHOTH POSSESED ME TO VISIT BAD DRAGON!!!

…

Şo.͜.. ̶m͢uch.̕.. ͢Yi̴ff͡ing͞.̡.҉.̶ ̡S͟o̕.͝.̴.͟ ̡ma̶ny̶.͏.͠. di̢ld̢os.̸.̢.̢

…

M̨A҉̵̸͝Ķ̀͢͢E͠҉ ̛͜Į̴͢͡T̴̕ ̴S͡͞T̸͟͜͡͝Ò̢P̴̨!̧̕͡ ̨̡̛O̶͏H̶̷̨͜ ̷̷̷̸G̶̨̛͡O͞͏D̵̵̡̕ ̷̢͘͜͟M̴̡̛À̴̢́K̷̶É̶̛̕̕ ҉̷̧́I̧͏T̕͠͏̀ ͏̴S̴͟T̶̸͠͞O̡͞͡͞P̨̀!̧͜͝͠!̷̶̷͘͟!̛

…

...

…

Alright, it seems to be over. I swear that, if I ever return home, I will destroy furaffinity somehow.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the pink dragoness.

The female dragon was sleeping on the hoard, so any sudden noise may wake her up. Hm... I can’t carry gems as a snake, I will need to change but... Which form will be the best? When I’m dragon I can smell diamond dogs from a great distance, so my smell might wake her up. The ent form is too clumsy and I will probably drop something and make a lot of noise... Dragon or draconequus? Hm... I decided to turn into draconequus, so I would be able to levitate the gems instead of grabbing them by myself. I extended my right hand and took the gems one by one with my magic. I had to be very careful, as taking the wrong gem might cause a small avalanche that would wake up the dragoness. This is a piece of cake! The same moment I thought that, I accidentally made a car-sized cake appear above the dragoness’ head. OH SHIT!!! I still don’t know why that happened, maybe because I had not been chaotic enough the last hours, or because chaos magic isn’t meant to be used for something so precise and non-chaotic and it reacted with violence when I first thought about something unrelated to what I was doing. Whatever caused it, the thing is that the cake woke up the dragoness.

“WHO DARES TO TRESPASS MY LAIR AND...” she drifted off when she saw the remains of the cake. She tentatively licked it off her face. “Wat.”

When she noticed me, I had already returned every gem to its original location, but I was too slow to also change form before she saw me.

“What are you, why are you here and why did you throw a cake to my face?” she asked coldly, “if you answer right you may leave in one piece.”

Notto disu shitto agen...

“I am the millenium wisher. When a living being becomes one thousand years old I meet him and give him or her a cake and a wish.” She stared at me for a few seconds before faceclawing.

“Make me another cake and I will give you a chance to try again.”

I gulped and did as she said. She took the marvelous, huge, delicious cake and she gulped it down in one go. As soon as she did, the cake exploded in a burst of fire fighting foam.

“What?!” she gurgled, or I think she said that as I couldn’t understand her with her mouth spitting foam.

“You should know by now that the cake is a lie!” I shouted as I levitated a considerable amount of gems into my arms and flew away. I turned into dragon midair, managing not to drop all the gems when my arms changed size, and continued flying. I didn’t dare to look back, but I could hear her crawling behind me. I heard retching noises, and I wondered how much time I had before she could roast me with her fire. I was about to reach the entrance when the first fireball roared over my head, scorching my head spikes. I glanced back just in time to see the next fireball and dodge it, then I left the cave and flew upwards so she couldn’t attack me. I continued my ascension, deciding to hide in the volcanic smoke that covered the skies.
The smoke smelled like rotten eggs and I started to cough violently the moment I inhaled it. Something told me I would pass out in a few minutes if I kept breathing the toxic smoke, so I changed to draconequus so I could breath magic instead of air. My own magic reserves are a poor substitute of real respiration, as I always feel like I’m about to drown and I have to fight the urge of inhaling, but it proved to be essential for my survival.
I heard something big flying upwards and crossing the smoke behind me.

“You are so dead!” shouted the pink dragoness from above, I guessed she was flying above the smoke to avoid breathing it.

A few seconds later she dived, passing uncomfortably close to me. She crossed the volcanic clouds several times, but she was noisy and I could move away from the point she would cross with a lot of time.
My frog leg began to irk badly after a minute of exposure to the volcanic smoke, so I also had to protect it with magic. I spent around twenty minutes in the clouds, in which I had to protect more and more parts of my body of the smoke’s effects while avoiding detection. When the only part of my body that wasn’t covered by a magic field was my dragon wing I decided it was enough, so I turned back to dragon and left the clouds just as the dragoness reached the upper zone. I flew as fast as I could towards the ground, trying to find a hiding spot before the pink dragoness spotted me. I landed on a small mountain close to the dragoness cave and hid behind a group of rocks. I remembered my tendency to turn into a bloodthirsty beast when I was immobile for a long time, so I hid the gems under a few rocks and changed to snake. I could see the pink dragoness still looking for me in the clouds as I slithered around. When will she surrender? I didn’t even steal that much... Wait, if she’s up there and I’m down here... Who is watching her hoard?!
I changed into owl and flew straight to her cave. Two minutes later I left carrying a huge amount of gems in my dragon form. I gazed up and found that the dragoness was STILL searching in the clouds. I would facepalm if I had my hands free. I couldn’t fly without dropping some of the gems, so I just ran towards my destination. It would have taken me hours to reach the meeting point walking, so I hid the gems with the others and flew there. I found my mates swimming in the lava river while they waited for me. Gehenna spotted me and signaled it to the others, so when I arrived they were already frowning.

“Where are the gems?” asked Krug.

“I couldn’t fly while carrying them, I have hidden them under some rocks, follow me.”

“So... What happened?” asked Caedmon, “it took you some time.”

“Yeah, I had some troubles, if you see an angry pink dragoness flying around, you don’t know me.”

The pink dragoness was no longer around when we reached the hiding spot. Fortunately, the gems were still intact under the cover of rocks.

“Well, what do you guys think?” I asked, trying to sound as smug as possible as they stared at my booty with their mouths agape.

“Wow,” said Brimrock after a few too many seconds of silence.

8: Worse Dragon

I woke up with a terrible stomach ache. I guess I deserved it, as I had eaten way too many stolen gems the previous night. Krug and the others had congratulated me for stealing such a big quantity and had allowed me to eat with them, as they couldn’t eat them all anyways. When we were done we were too full and sleepy to do anything, and it was already late into the night, so we decided it was time to sleep. I’m not dealing with this shit. I left the cave we were in after checking they were still sleeping, then I changed to draconequus and made the pain go away with magic. I noticed with satisfaction that my mana bar was recovering from my fight against Black assHole, which meant the dragons were a good enough source of chaos, especially if I took into account the magic I spent hiding from the pink dragoness in the volcanic clouds.

If my life was a movie, now would be the time in which there’s a montage which summarizes the days in which nothing interesting happens, like in Rocky when he trains to beat his opponent, so I’m going to do that:
I spent a week with the teen dragons. We played games which were uncannily similar to Earth ones, crushed phoenix eggs (fuck morality, it was awesome), tried to get laid (and failed, they were even worse than ME at talking to ladies (and dragoness were a bunch of prudes, so I never got a chance to score with a dragon (which makes me mad, as I had toyed with the idea of having sex with all the rational species in Equestria, ( ))))

… Fucking Screwball...

Where was I?

Oh, yes, the montage. We played, we didn’t get laid, we fought against each other for shits and giggles, we ate gems, we didn’t get laid, we slept at unusual hours, we joked, we didn’t get laid... Yeah, that pretty much sums the week up.
One afternoon, while Krug attempted yet again to hit on a certain red dragoness that he obviously had a crush on, even if (especially because) he punched us in the face if we dared to say it aloud, a group of dragons approached him (while we were totally not spying Krug and betting on how long would it be until the dragoness rejected him again). They were four black male dragons, all of them older and bigger than us. We were too far away to understand what they were saying, but it didn’t take a genius to figure things were about to get ugly. It’s time to kick dragon ass or chew bubblegum, and I’m all outta gum. After an exchange of looks and a quick nod, the four of us flew towards them to help Krug if things escalated.

“You have balls, facing us like that,” I heard one of the black dragons say as we came closer, “I respect that, so I’ll let you leave while I talk to this lady.”

“What’s going on, Krug?” I asked as we landed next to him.

“Buzz off, idiots, and take him with you” said one of the black dragons while pointing at Krug, “or else.”

They were a scary group, those four dragons. Two of them were probably twins, as they looked exactly the same. The only differences between the two aggresive looking dragons were that one of them had a scar that crossed his face, while the other lacked one of the two curved horns he was supposed to have. The twins didn’t talk at all, they just stood there, trying to intimidate us with their presence. The dragon who was doing all the talking was the biggest of them, he seemed to be at the end of his teen years and about to reach adulthood. He was twice my size, his neck was longer, but not as long as an adult’s, and his body’s build was, in general, midway between teen and adult. Oh, and he also had a ridiculous moustache, which looked really weird on his dragon face. The last dragon was the weirdest of the bunch. He wasn’t as big as the others, but he was always looking from side to side, his eyes twitching and his body spasming. His spikes were abnormally long, and his scales were slightly pointed outwards, so anyone who tried to stroke him would probably end up with a bleeding hand. He also growled from time to time and showed his uncanny shark teeth. I decided I wouldn’t like to find myself alone with that guy.

“Or else what?” asked Caedmon.

The dragon with the moustache grinned with malice as he turned to the sharkdragon (what? he kind of looked like a shark) and whispered to him.

“Rake, attack,” what kind of name is Rake? It’s like-OHSHIT!

The sharkdragon jumped on Caedmon the moment the other dragon said those words. Before we could react he was atop Caedmon, clawing and punching at his face like a rabid animal. Krug spat fire on Rake, forcing him to jump away. I turned to face the others, only for one of the twins, the one with the scar, to punch me in the stomach. The blow knocked the wind out of me, and the surprise almost returned me to my original form. I ducked just in time to dodge the hook he threw to my face, then I lunged at him. I tried to breath fire on his face while I was sitting on him, but he quickly pushed me to the ground. We rolled on the floor while trying to bite each other throat’s off, until he managed to pin me down. I breathed fire on him, forcing him to move sideways to dodge it. I pushed him in the direction he moved and managed to thrown him off of me. We both got up at the same time and began circling each other. He was bigger, his scales were tougher and he had more experience in fighting, and it showed. He barely had a scratch on him, while I sported many nasty bruises and small wounds from our struggling. I would totally exchange my moose transformation for being a black dragon instead of a brown one.
I quickly checked how the others were doing. Gehenna and Caedmon were fighting Rake at the same time, but they were losing to his brutal and vicious attacks. Brimrock was fighting the other twin, and they seemed to have reached a stalemate, as they were more or less the same size and Brimrock’s considerable strength compensated the black’s superior scales and age. Krug and moustache dragon had taken their fight to the air, and, to my surprise, I saw the dragoness fighting alongside Krug.
If only I could turn to draconequus without fucking everything up, I would wipe the floor with these idiots. I could try that thing, but I don’t want to do it without testing it in a safe environment, I am not the protagonist of a story, so the power-up that should kill me will probably kill me instead of making me win. “That thing” was an idea I had a few days after joining the dragons. I had been pondering on how to make my transformations stronger with magic, without using too much to avoid reversing to draconequus. Increasing my strength, like I did against Krug when we tail wrestled, wasn’t really effective, as I could only increase it a 25% or so before reaching the transformation limit. I had thought that maybe I could enter a “bullet time” of sorts by increasing the adrenaline in my blood or something like that, but the idea of doing weird shit to my body wasn’t very appealing, as I didn’t know the side effects I would suffer afterwards.

Alright, I’m just going to double the adrenaline levels in my blood, that shouldn’t be too much, right? Fortunately, it wasn’t too much. I took the initiative and breathed fire on my enemy, but he did the same and our flames joined in a huge ascending pillar of fire, like when you put two lighters together. He ran towards me, and he seemed to move slower than before, so I guessed the adrenaline was doing its work. I jumped and performed a flying kick, which is really easy when you have wings. Unfortunately, the legs of a teen dragon are proportionally short when compared with a human’s. So short, in fact, that my enemy’s arms were longer than my legs, so he just punched me in the scales that covered my balls. AAUAUAUAUAAGH! PAIN, A WORLD OF PAIN!!!!

I could see my opponent leaving me to help moustache dragon. I used my magic to avoid feeling as much pain as I could. That, and the adrenaline rush were enough to allow me to abandon my crouching position and get up. The twin who had beaten me fought against Krug, allowing moustache dragon to take the dragoness as a hostage. He whistled and the rest of his gang stopped fighting and joined him.

“So long suckers!” he shouted at us as they flew away, the twins taking the dragoness, who was still trying to free herself when I lost sight of them.

None of us chased them, as we were all injured and tired.

“Do you know those idiots?” I asked Krug when he landed next to us.

“The one with the stupid moustache is Morg, he was a friend of my brother until they got in a fight," he replied.

“You have a brother?” Is he going to pull a Shining Scale out of fucking nowhere, Twilight style?

“Yeah, he’s napping. We won’t be seeing him in the next ninety years so I didn’t tell you about him,” he explained. “Morg... He should be napping too, but he seems to enjoy younger girls too much. He knows he will be too big for them when he wakes up, so he’s delaying it as long as possible.”

“You mean he’s going to-” I began.

“Yes,” he interrupted me.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s beat his pedo ass!” I exclaimed.

“Yes, because that worked so well a minute ago,” he said, his tone so thick with sarcasm I could have spread it on a toast.

“So, you are going to let him cream your girlfriend’s pie? What kind of coward are you?” he frowned, so I continued talking before he decided to hit me to release his frustration. “I say we sneak into their hideout in the dark of night, we use the surprise factor to beat the shit out of them and we leave with the girl.” I didn’t care for the girl at all (what with having turned into something short of a sociopath since I am a draconequus), but I was still angry because one of them had punched me in the balls.

“You realize you are talking about beating four black dragons, who are older than us and have already proven they are stronger?” said Caedmon, who was caressing one of his wings.

“We could also bring more people. I’m sure there must be some dragons around willing to give Morg a piece of their mind.”

“I know a few guys who have been bullied by him before,” said Gehenna, “I can ask them to join us.”

“We could ask the dragoness,” said Brimrock, “they may help us to avoid being his next victims.”

“Yeah, and they will be all over us if we give Morg a lesson,” I added.

“Alright, here’s the plan,” said Krug, excited, and he proceeded to explain it to us.

A few hours of looking for people, tending to our injuries and scheduling later we were gathered in a small volcano crater relatively close to Morg’s cave. The sun was setting, and the ten of us were busy making sure everyone would do his or her job. We were an odd bunch. There was Likan, a very young and effeminate pink dragon who wanted to make Morg pay for his insults to his manliness. Morg’s ex, Emver, a black dragoness that hated him because he left her to pursue younger girls. She was also the biggest of us, just a head shorter than Morg, mainly because her neck hadn’t grown as much as his. A purple dragoness, named Spyrette, who had been captured by him and wanted to make sure he never forced another girl to do dirty things with him. A bland orange dragon whose name I don’t remember that had been beaten to near death by the twins months ago, because he “looked at them funny”. Last, but not least, was a brutally ripped red dragon, who had joined us because we promised him we would let him fight one on one against whoever he chose. He was a glorious musclebeast called Nig’Gar (yes, I know it sounds like the N word), who reminded me of the steroids pegasus from Hurricane Shy, mainly because his wings were also too small for his body. I had to resist the urge to scream “YEEEEEEEEAH!” the moment I first saw him.

Emver had quickly taken the role of leader from Krug after we convinced her to help us. She had lived for a few months in Morg’s cave, so she knew the layout and was really helpful during our planning. We put our plan into motion when the Sun was replaced by the Moon in the sky, and not a moment later to avoid increasing the chances of Shimmer or Glitter (or whatever the kidnapped dragoness’ name was) being already raped when we arrived. The orange dragon and Likan started with the distraction: throwing phoenix eggs to Morg’s cave. The thing with phoenix eggs is that they explode when you break them, acting like frag grenades for anything that wasn’t covered in dragon scales.

The twins came out of the cave and immediately tried to catch the ones who dared to disturb them, as Emver predicted they would. Our allies flew away to the place where Brimrock, Gehenna, Caedmon and Spyrette were ready to ambush the black dragons. The rest of us ran into the cave as soon as the twins left, ready to beat the shit out of Morg. We came just in time to interrupt a very disturbing scene. Rake was lying on his back on a small gem hoard. He had the dragon girl lying on his belly, and he was holding her arms with his own and her legs with his tail, with his legs crossed over her stomach. Immobilized as she was, she could do nothing to stop Morg, who was licking something shiny off of her belly. Ermahger, that is so kinky it belongs to 4chan! I could smell molten gold, so I guessed THAT was what he was pouring on her and licking off.

“MORG!!!” screamed Emver as she flew towards him, “I WILL END YOU!!!”

“The one without moustache is mine,” said Nig’Gar as we charged after Emver.

The three of them looked at us, too shocked to react. Finally, something clicked in Morg’s brain and he turned to face us. I managed not to freak out when I saw Morg’s erect dick. Fortunately, his member quickly returned to its hiding place between his lower scales, sparing my eyes from a new bleach treatment.

“Rake! Kill them!” he shouted, and Rake reacted instantly like last time, knocking the dragoness unconscious with a quick karate chop and jumping towards us while roaring.

Nig’Gar and Rake collided against each other, and soon they were fighting with brutality. I forgot about them and focused on Morg. His size became his disadvantage, as we could surround him and attack at the same time with ease. However, his scales were too hard for me, scratching and punching him was as painful and useless as hitting plate armor bare handed. I decided to change tactics and try to tank him so the others could dps him down... Did I just say that? I think I played too much World of Warcraft when I was still human. Anyways, I attacked his weak spots, trying to tear the vulnerable hide of his wings and breathing fire on his head to blind him while flying around him. I knew I was being reckless, as I would be forced to use my draconequus powers to survive if he managed to grab me.

“You are all so dead!” he shouted when his ex bit him in the leg.

He landed a lucky blow on me with the back of his hand, which broke my right wing. I crashed into the ground and quickly rolled to dodge him as he tried to stomp on my head. He forgot about me and focused on his two remaining foes. Right then I noticed a big amount of magic energy being released. I took a quick glance towards Nig’Gar and Rake as I took in as much energy as I could, and I didn’t like what I saw. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! Well, more like I totally freaked out. I saw Rake beating Nig’Gar’s body with his own severed head. I would have screamed like a girl, but I developed a great tolerance to fucked up shit when I spent two months in the woods before going to Ponyville (mainly because I was the one doing most of the fucked up shit back then). Thanks to that, I managed to keep my cool even if I was totally terrified. Oh shit he’s seen me! Rake dropped the severed head and ran towards me, covered in Nig’Gar’s blood and screaming like a banshee. If I try fighting him like this I’m dead. I ran away from him, trying to lure him out of the cave so I could use my draconequus powers against him where only he could see me.

“You think you can catch me?! Good luck, you idiot!” I shouted, trying to anger him so he wouldn’t focus on the rest of my team.

He caught me in the middle of the corridor that led to the exit, as he flew much faster than I ran. When I turned to face him I was already wielding my hammer.

“Surprise, motherfucker!” I shouted as I swang it, hitting him in the head. The impact was brutal, as he was flying very fast, and he was propelled backwards many meters by it. HOMERUN!

He surprised me by doing a backflip mid air and landing on all fours, then running towards me again. I tried to crush his head with the hammer, but he dodged and tried to tackle me. I was faster and teleported out of his way, turning back to draconequus at the same time. He turned around and looked at me funny for half a second before trying to kill me again. I altered his depth perception, so when he tried to slit my throat with his claws he missed, leaving himself exposed to my attacks. I hit him with the hammer on his side, and I heard a rib cracking. He seemed to feel no pain at all, as he managed to grab my hammer before I could pull it back. He pulled it away from my hands and threw it behind him, then he jumped towards me again. I teleported behind him, but he must have been expecting it as he turned mid air and flew towards me. He was too fast for me to dodge, and in a fraction of a second I was lying on my back and he was about to bite me in the neck. I breathed pepper spray on him, and he jumped back, shaking his head in pain. Dragons can withstand lava, but not pepper spray, fuck logic. I gathered energy and summoned an electric guitar.

“Prepare to suffer!” I said, and I did a metal cover of the worst song ever. Thanks to my chaos powers, I could perform the entire song without problems even though I had never played a guitar before in my life and I didn’t know the lyrics.

“

baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no

”

Rake had been rolling on the floor in agony since I started playing the song, if that can be called a song at all. Around the fifth “baby baby baby oh” he had left the cave, yelping like a dog. I vomited pure liquid faggotry (no, it wasn’t rainbow colored) all over the place as soon as I finished the song so I wouldn’t become a woman or a belieber or something like that. I turned to dragon as soon as I stopped puking and returned to the place where the others were fighting. Oh shit my wing, it hurts! I will just heal it and say Morg didn’t break it when he hit me.
I found Morg lying on the floor and trying to cover his head with his arms while Emver and Krug kicked him. They must have been at it for some time before I arrived, as Morg was very battered and half-unconscious.

“Guys,” I called them, but they didn’t react, “guys, guys! GUYS!”

“What?!” they both said, not bothering to look at me.

“While you were having fun beating his ass, I had to face the psycho that killed Nig’Gar by myself! Not cool!”

“Oh shit!” Krug said, panicking, “where is he?”

“He’s gone, I was running away from him and suddenly he panicked and left the cave for no reason.”

“That dragon is crazy as fuck, I hope he left for good,” said Krug with relief, “can you fly?”

“I think so.”

“Then go find the others. I don’t want them to be surprised by Rake or something.”

“Try to leave something for the rest of us,” I said, pointing at Morg.

As I flew towards the place where the rest of our group should have ambushed the twins, I realized all the dragons I had met had something seriously wrong with their minds, by humans’ standards. What made it ironic was that I was also seriously fucked up in the head, as I had thought it was normal to have your chick kidnapped by a rapist, gather a gang to go to his house and beat the shit out of him, having one of your guys killed by a crazy dragon, and all the shit that would happen afterwards. I thought Equestria was a place full of happiness and peace (and lesbianism), not a shithole full of sociopaths! I decided I should leave as soon as I could, and maybe return to Ponyville to face Screwball once and for all. I had been putting that off because I was sure I was less powerful than her, but for all I knew her powers could be growing faster than mine in Ponyville, with all the chaos and shit that always happens in that place.
I found the rest of the team soon enough, and was relieved to find that none of them had been harmed. Even the twins were just a bit bruised.

“Everything alright?” I asked as I landed next to them.

“Yeah, those two gave up when they noticed we outnumbered them,” said Caedmon, “what are you doing here?”

“Krug and Emver have beaten Morg, they are waiting for us in the cave. Rake killed Nig’Gar and fled, so we should hurry or he might come back and give them trouble.”

“That’s ridiculous”, said the scarred twin, “Rake never leaves Morg’s side!”

“Then we must hurry before he comes back and gives them trouble!” said the pink dragon, and we all flew towards the cave, making sure the twins were always surrounded so they wouldn’t try to escape.

The twin with the scar had overestimated Rake’s loyalty, so we found Krug and Emver exactly where I left them, the only difference was that they were no longer kicking Morg.

“Wow cousin, you gave him a serious beating,” commented the non-scarred twin.

“Cousin?” I asked. Is that a slang term or something?

“I should beat you two, too,” muttered Emver, “really! Why in Tartarus would you stay with him after we broke up?!”

“We tried to leave, but he told Rake to attack us!” said the scarred one.

“That freak was just too strong for us,” said the other twin, “he broke my horn and scarred him before Morg ordered him to stop. He said he wouldn’t stop Rake if we tried to betray him again.”

“Do you believe them?” Krug asked Emver.

“Yeah, it sounds like something Morg would do,” she answered after a few seconds of hesitation, “I think my cousins deserve a second chance, don’t you agree?”

What she really meant was: “If any of you does not agree, I will rip his entrails out with my bare claws, understood?”, so we all agreed. Even the orange dragon, who had joined us only to take revenge on the twins, had to resign himself to let them go free.

“Is Spyrette alright?” I asked, as she was still unconscious atop the small hoard.

“Who?” asked Krug, and after a moment something clicked in his mind, “oh shit! I forgot about her!”

The rest of us, save for the two unconscious dragons and the dead one, facepalmed.

Author's Note

So yeah I removed the lyrics just in case. I like to play by the rules and all of that.

9: Worst DragOHSHIT! WTF IS THAT?!

Morg might have been cruel, a pedophile and a rapist, but I don’t think he deserved what Emver, Krug and everyone else did to him that night. I think no one deserves such treatment (well, maybe Justin Bieber (and Black Hole!)). I felt sick after the first minutes of torture, so I offered myself to watch over the entrance just in case Rake came back, but even there I could hear Morg’s cries of pain. Fuck them, and fuck their fucked up shit. I’m leaving! It was too much for me, so I flew away, not bothering to look back.
Beating someone was fine with me. Heck, killing someone for a good reason was OK to me! But torturing someone until killing him? That’s too much (now that I think of it, I didn’t stay to see him die so he may be still alive, but I doubt it). I had spent a week with Krug and the others, and they had never displayed such violence. It was disproportionated and evil, so much I decided I didn’t want to have anything to do with dragons anymore.

After a few minutes of flying in a straight line I began thinking about what to do next. What do I do now? I don’t want to infiltrate another diamond dog settlement, they are kind of boring. Dragons are dangerous and cruel and I don’t want to be near them anymore... I think it’s time to face Screwball. Maybe I can convince the mane six to help me if I play my cards right... Yes, that might work. I could say I am a good draconequus that wants to undo all the evils Discord has done, and that I’ve found a pony corrupted by him. We beat her, then I say I want to meet Celestia so I can ask her to let me check that Discord is really trapped. Then I ask her to send me back to Earth because I am a human! Alright, where was Ponyville?

I decided to fly South until I returned to Equestria after a few seconds of indecision, hoping to find Ponyville afterwards. I soared above the volcanic clouds for hours, lost in my own thoughts. I could see the end of the badlands in the distance when I heard another set of wings flapping behind me. I turned back and my jaw hit the floor. Yes, it hit the floor while I was flying, like, 4000 meters above it. Shit, it’s her again! The adult pink dragoness whose hoard I had stolen had somehow found me, and she was chasing me with an evil smirk. She was much faster than me, what with being 10 times my size.

“You are dead!” she shouted.

“Leave me alone, bitch!” I shouted back at her.

I’m not dealing with this shit today, I told myself, and I changed to draconequus. Then I made a jetpack appear on my back and it propelled me way faster than the dragoness. I can’t believe it’s working, this is stupid. The jetpack made me fly so fast the wind was making my lips cover my eyes and my tree arm leave a trail of leaves behind me. I could hear her cries of frustration growing weaker as the distance between us increased, until I heard the jetpack make many weird noises. My own device betrayed me, and suddenly it was propelling me in random directions as the silly noises continued.

“Oh come on!” I shouted. Fucking chaos magic, why don’t you work?

My mental rant continued for the next ten minutes, in which I discarded the jetpack and flew as fast as I could until the dragoness grabbed me by the tail with one of her claws. I made a not so masculine “eep!” sound when she caught me, but in my defense I’ll say it feels weird when someone pulls your tail.

“Can we talk about it over a cup of tea and some biscuits?” I asked as she grabbed my body with her spare claw.

“Do you even know how many tea bags would you need for someone my size? Killing you will be easier and faster.”

“You have a point, but I don’t want to die.” I need to hurt her somehow so she can’t chase me again... But dragon scales are so hard! I would need, like, adamantium to really harm her! Wait, adamantium...

I raised my right arm, which hadn’t been trapped under her grip, and I turned it into a chainsaw. This is awesome. An adamantium chainsaw. This is the most awesomest thing ever in the history of everything! I brought it down on her thumb, and it managed to reach the bone before she released me. Ignoring her cries of pain and rage, I tried to do the vacuum thing that Drogur had used to kill that green dragon who attacked the den, but soon I discovered I couldn’t do it. It was like trying to stop a river with my hands: the air went around my magic barrier, and I never managed to make it airtight. I’m sure an unicorn could do it, fucking chaos magic, why you so imprecise? I gave up trying to suffocate her, and decided to damage her wings so she couldn’t fly. I tricked her into seeing me trying to harm her right wing while I went after her left one. I opened a huge tear in her wing and flew away, dodging her flailing limbs and fire breath while making a woop woop woop noise (what?! I was under stress and I probably have some lobster DNA in this eldritch amalgam of creatures I call my body). Oh shit, my magic! I quickly returned my right arm to its normal state, but I had already consumed a huge amount of magic. Turning my flesh into a complex mechanism made of an indestructible material had burned my mana reserves faster than anything I had done before. I have wasted in a few seconds the chaos I gained after a week working with the slaves in the mines, AAARGH!

An hour later, I finally went out of the dragon lands and I found myself in a cold land covered in snow. There was a snowstorm so powerful I couldn’t fly safely, so I landed and began walking.

“Wait, how come the volcanic and hot land is next to the snowy and frozen land?” I asked aloud, “this is stupid.”

My draconequus body was ill-suited to low temperatures, what with being neither hot-blooded nor cold-blooded. My dragon body wouldn’t freeze due to the inner fire magic whatever, but I felt like freezing anyways, so I changed to moose (at last!) and continued walking South. So much snow... Is it Christmas or something? Hm... I’ve been like three months in Equestria, and I came here on October... Yeah, close enough, it’s not like seasons happen simultaneously on both places, right? I should have an impromptu song, it will be chaotic enough to compensate that I am just walking. Something related to the snow and shit... Yeah, that will do the trick.

“Oh the weather outside is freaking cold
and I forgot the lyrics of this fucking song,
And since I've no place to go
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!"

I kept singing my masterpiece, whose lyrics I don't really care about so it's not like I'm going to sing them now. The thing is, I was near the end when...

"But as long as you love me so
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES!”

Wait, what?! I turned back and saw a huge living shadow surrounding me.

“Black Hole? I thought I killed you last time!” I exclaimed, “wait... You are not Black Hole...”

I saw a pair of green eyes appear in the shadows, which emitted a trail of purple smoke.

“What are you?” I asked, trying not to sound as scared as I was.

The shadows around the eyes formed a fanged black face and a red curved horn. Wait, I have seen that face on Derpibooru, it’s...

“King Sombra? I have run into the third season’s villain?” I asked myself. Shit! If he’s nearly as strong as Nightmare Moon or Discord I’m a goner.

King Sombra growled menacingly as his shadows surrounded me.

“Your majesty, I don’t want to fight you. Let me go, fighting will be a waste of time for both of us,” I said as I turned to draconequus, “I’m sure you have a lot of evil plans in your agenda, and so do I. Let’s ignore each other, OK?”

He disregarded my arguments and threw himself at me from all sides. I created a magical barrier in the last second to protect myself, but I knew it wouldn’t last long when I noticed how much it took to maintain it under his assault. This is the worst time to have critically low levels of mana.

“You want things the hard way? ALRIGHT, YOU ARE JUST A BAD OC MADE CANON ANYWAYS!”

I teleported out of the shadow circle, but his magic somehow reverted my spell, teleporting me back to my original location. I roared in anger and breathed fire on him, but his shadowy body just moved around my flames without taking any damage. Then I tried to attack him physically, but when my left arm touched the shadows I felt a cold pain and something like black crystals grew over it. The black crystal seemed to block magic, so I couldn’t cast spells with (or on) my left hand. I found an opening and left the circle of shadows. Alright, he’s made of shadows. How can I hurt him? Shadows... Does that count as Ghost type or Dark type? Fucking Pokemons... Fighting is super effective against Dark and has no effect on Ghost. Hitting him had no effect, so he’s Ghost type... Ghost and Dark are super-effective against Ghost... How the fuck do I attack him like that?
I remembered that licking someone was a Ghost-type attack in Pokemon, so I tried licking him. I should have thought it twice before doing it, because as soon as my tongue touched the shadows it was covered in those dark crystals and I couldn’t talk or close my mouth anymore.

I tried to shout “die faggot!”, but the crystal turned it into “dgl fglg”, then I tried to attack him with black fire, but it didn’t work, either. Note to self: stop trying to apply Pokemon logic. Also, making the fire black with magic doesn’t give it special properties; giving it special properties with magic makes it black like the one Black Hole used... I decided to try a light spell, and run like a coward if that didn’t work. I hope holy magic and light magic are the same, I don’t even know how to cast a sanctus spell or anything like that. I surrounded by right hand’s index finger in light and released it as a beam. He just dodged it like he did with the fire so I flew away from him, forcing him to stay back with my free hand by attacking the tendrils of darkness that came from his body and tried to touch me. That worked for a while, but my magic reserves would disappear soon, and then I would be at his mercy. He seemed to reach the same conclusion, as his body started to send more and more tendrils of darkness towards me. One of them managed to touch my left wing and cover it with dark crystals, rendering it useless and forcing me to land and run. I tried to turn into a cheetah, only to feel a terrible pain coming from the parts covered by the dark crystals. My main body is very bad at running, so Sombra surrounded me again after a few seconds.

Well, universe. You hate me, and I hate you, but you owe me one for all the times you’ve screwed up with me. Save me now and I will forgive you for making the pink dragoness AND King Sombra find and attack me today.

I am seriously considering that the universe is sentient and can hear me since that moment, because just after I finished thinking that a barrage of pink beams made an opening in Sombra’s body, which I quickly crossed. Then I found myself face to face with a white coated and blue maned unicorn that wore a black scarf and some sort of black snow goggles that covered his eyes.

“What in Tartarus?! A mad ruler is enough! I don’t need a crazy draconequus in the mix!” he exclaimed when he saw me.

I couldn’t talk with the dark crystals covering my tongue, so I fired another light beam towards Sombra. Then I tried to tell the unicorn with a series of gestures that we should team up to beat Sombra, while hoping ponies knew the saying “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”. He seemed to know it, as he created a pink barrier around us that Sombra couldn’t cross.

“The barrier won’t last long, show me I can trust you right now or I’ll kick you out and escape while Sombra is busy with you,” he said, trying not to sound strained as Sombra tried to break the barrier.

“Flglgl mgfmmfm,” I mumbled, pointing at the crystals that didn’t let me talk.

“I don’t know how to break those crystals, you’ll have to do something else,” he replied.

If I can’t use my tongue, you idiot, how am I supposed to... Fuck you brain, that is an awful idea. I was sure it was indeed an awful idea, but I did it nevertheless. I poked my tongue out until all the crystals were out of my mouth, then I bit it off. The pain was so much I feared I would pass out, but I managed to use my mind manipulation powers on myself to make me ignore the pain just in time. I grew a new tongue immediately after, spending almost all the energy I still had. The fact that the unicorn didn’t release any chaos energydidn’t help. How can anyone think that biting my own tongue off is normal?!

“Thanks goodness that worked,” I said with my new, crystal free tongue, “you saved me from that thing! My hero!” I added, then I tried to kiss him. He pushed my face away with a hoof, but at least I gained some chaos energy from his reaction. Well, he’s not some kind of robot pony.

“Stay away, monster!”

“Dude, there’s a huge shadow pony thing out there trying to kill us. I am not the monster here. My name is Havoc, who are you?”

“I’m Shining Armor, and I still don’t trust you.” Oh God Shining Armor! What are the chances of this happening?!

“There’s no time to build our mutual trust, Shining,” I said when I overcame the initial shock. “I know why you fear me, Discord has managed to give us a terrible reputation, but he’s just one bad apple. I am not like him at all. Believe me or not, I don’t care; I’m injured, tired and scared, so let’s focus on surviving. Do you know how to escape from that thing?”

“The Crystal Empire is protected by a barrier that keeps Sombra out, you should go there,” he said, then he pointed to a blue magic dome in the distance that I hadn’t noticed before. “I need to go somewhere else. If we split up he’ll be forced to follow one of us, and the other will have more chances of survival.”

“Alright. Have you tried illusion spells against him? Maybe I can trick him into following a fake copy of us.”

“I don’t think that will work. Sombra is a very powerful being, but try it if you think-” he stopped when Sombra collided again against his barrier, “I can’t hold it anymore! We run to the count of three! One! Two! Three!”

We ran as fast as we could. I tried to manipulate Sombra’s senses, but I found an unbreakable magic barrier that didn’t let me enter his mind. I had never tried an illusion spell before, as I had always relied on mind manipulation. Due to that, I decided to save my last reserves of energy instead of wasting them on a spell I had yet to master (and by mastering I mean doing it once or twice just to check that it works, how much energy it takes and how specific do I have to be for the illusion to look realistic). I managed to cross most of the distance to the blue barrier in a few seconds, too focused on sprinting without tripping to check on Sombra. I was just a few meters away from the barrier when a huge dark crystal blocked the way. I tried to surround it, but I slipped on the ice and hit the crystal sideways. I looked up and found Sombra’s face just above me. He laughed as he used his magic to stick me to the crystal with my limbs spread. Then the crystals grew like shackles around my seven limbs and my neck, binding me to the big crystal. I struggled against the crystals with all my strenght, but my efforts were fruitless. I could only stare as Sombra’s head descended upon me with a dark grin.

“Wait! Are you sure we can’t talk about it over a cup of tea and some biscuits?!” I asked for the second time in that day. Sombra stopped and looked pensive for a few seconds. He’s actually considering it? I can’t believe he’s considering it.

“Wait here,” he growled at me, then he left.

Wat

“Did he just make a joke?” I asked aloud a minute later, when my mind started working again.

I spent the next ten or so minutes struggling against the crystal while the snow covered me, but it was too strong for me. Only when the snow reached my waist did I realize I was freezing. I managed to keep myself warm with my magic, but that would only work until I emptied my mana reserves, which would happen in a few minutes. I was beginning to consider the viability of using all the magic I still had to blow up my own head and have a quick death when I saw the mane six, Spike and Shining Armor running away from King Sombra. Run you fools! Oh my God, they are so cute, even when they are scared shitless. I watched with interest as Sombra chased them, and I realized he would surround them before they reached the barrier. It was an odd feeling, watching them as if I was watching an episode from the show but being there in person at the same time. I forgot about how dire my situation was as I watched how Shining Armor turned to face Sombra, attacking him with his pink magic and giving his sister and friends enough time to cross the barrier. Now Shining will be saved somehow, because this is a show for little girl and characters can’t die. Sombra’s body surrounded Shining. Yes, any second now... A few crystals grew over the unicorn’s horn, blocking his magic. Uh... Wait, DOES Shining appear in season’s 3 episode 1 at all? … I shouldn’t have filtered out those spoiler images on Derpibooru, for all I know neither he nor Cadance appear again in the series because he dies here and now. I can’t let that happen, he’s Twilight’s bro! I managed to focus all the magic the mana restriction allowed me to use and shoved Shining into the barrier with it. Ha! Take that Meghan McCarthy! I have changed the canon! Hahahahahahaha! Sombra frowned and turned his head to face me. Haha... Ha... Ha... My laugh slowly turned into a scared face. I’m going to die. AGAIN. King Sombra’s dark form surrounded me, and I abandoned all hope of getting out of that situation alive.

“I regret nothing!” I screamed as his head flew towards me.

I had the silly idea of staring at him until he killed me, but I chickened out and closed my eyes in the last second. That last second seemed to be way longer than usual, so I opened my left eye and found Sombra staring into the distance. What is going on?

“I am going on,” said a female voice in my head, which I recognized as Shay Nimrod’s voice.

A female draconequus appeared between Sombra and me. Her body build was just like Discord’s, but that was where the similarities ended. Her long and flexible body was covered in scales, each scale of a different color, and she had a dolphin’s tail. She had a yellow monkey’s left arm, (if monkeys had eight fingers on each hand) and a black right arm that looked just like those of a xenomorph (you know, the aliens in Aliens). Her left leg was made of living lava partially covered by stones, and her right leg was a camel’s leg. She had two dragonfly left wings and a grey feathered right wing that looked like those of a vulture. Her head was vaguely pony-like, like Discord’s and mine, but her muzzle was much shorter and her facial features were more delicate and feminine. Her face’s fur was a light blue, but her eyes were red with yellow sclera like Discord’s. She had a ram’s horn and an orange horn that was shaped like a sickle pointed upwards and that reminded me of Homestuck’s trolls and the URSS at the same time.

Both her and Sombra seemed to be in the middle of a telepathic argument, so I stood still like a good pet until they finished. I didn’t have to wait for long, as Shay soon turned around to face me while Sombra left to do... Whatever that guy did when there was nothing to attack.

“You disappoint me,” she said, frowning. Her voice was regal and powerful.

”I have gifted you with enough power to rival the gods, and what do you do? You hide yourself, either avoiding society or with transformations. You avoid battles, and when you DO fight you use your inferior human reason to wield MY chaos with HARMONY and ORDER,” she basically spat those words. “Credits were its due, sometimes you come up with interesting uses for your powers, but the only fight you fought like a real draconequus was against a madmare and you LOST. Your only goal seems to be going back to your homeworld, and the occasional sex with females of any species you come across. I should strip you of the power to change forms to force you to act, but your incompetence would get you killed without them. I thought you would be the kind of human that only questions why he is in Equestria for a few days before assuming it and enjoying the benefits of his new situation, but it seems I was wrong. Your mind still screams “someone explain this to me!”. I’m going to explain everything to you, and I’m going to do it with a song from a G rated human movie, as if this was one of those awful fanfictions you read instead of your life.”

‘Wat.’

“Now my dark purpose will be fulfilled and the last of my enemies will DIE!”

Why is she singing with a dude’s voice?!

“In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning
And the nightmare I had was as bad as can be --

She managed to make the voice of the lead singer and the chorus all by herself somehow. She also must have spent a lot of time working on that song, because the adaptation to her situation was flawless. She even managed to keep the rhymes! From what I understood at the time, Discord and some other draconequus which she called "newborns" had betrayed her and taken away her power, but she had managed to take revenge on all of them save for Discord. When the song was near its end, she broke the dark crystal with a snap of her fingers and levitated me in front of her.

“Come my minion,
Rise for your master,
Let your chaos shine!
Find him now,
Yes, fly ever faster

In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...
In the dark of the night...

He'll be mine!”

I waited for a few seconds, just in case the song wasn’t finished yet or she wanted to start another one.

"Eh... Alright... Discord betrayed you and you want revenge, that I understand. But what does it have to do with me? You sang about me finding him, you do know he is posing as a statue in Canterlot, right? Also, why did you protect me from Sombra?”

“Alright, the song didn’t explain what I really need you to know. Listen to me, I am a player in a game of gods, and you are my piece. Your goal is to make me win the game, but I can’t guide you or tell you what to do. I can only give you very basic advice: don’t die, be more chaotic, stop trying to find a way back Earth and be wary of any other piece you may encounter. They are humans like you, many are so powerful it’s stupid and some of them won’t mind killing you to satisfy their gods. Regarding your return to Earth: it’s impossible. I killed you myself, then we threw your corpse in the middle of the sea and wrote a fake suicide note. If you try to return there by the same means you came here, your soul won’t have a body waiting for her and will be forever lost in the void between the dimensions. Now win this game or I’ll take your soul for myself and punish you until the end of time.”

“... Can I have a mental breakdown now and ask questions later?”

Loading fitofrage.exe
10%

“I can’t stay here anymore, there are rules I have to follow to play this game, but here’s my number, so call me maybe,” she said as she gave me an Iphone that only had a big button where the screen should be. “Drink this, too. I don’t want you to freeze,” she added before disappearing with a loud CRACK, leaving a can of coke behind her.

40%

I walked towards the barrier while drinking from the can, which was filled with hot soup. I don’t remember how it tasted, but it increased my magic reserves to the levels I had before facing Sombra. When I tried to cross the barrier it didn’t let me pass, but at least I had one arm in front of me so I didn’t hit it with the face.

80%

“That’s racist,” I muttered, then I took a last sip from the can.

100%

I crushed the can and threw it to the barrier, it crossed without problems.

“FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR BARRIER, FUCK SHAY’S PAST, FUCK DISCORD, FUCK THE GAME, FUCK SOMBRA, FUCK LAUREN FAUST, FUCK EVERYTHING!”

I banged my fists against the force field while I kept on cursing everything I could think of. Most of what Shay had told me were either bad or terrible news, so I guess it’s understandable that I lost my temper. When I finally cooled down, I drew a huge pony dick on the snow while trying to puts my thoughts in order and make a list of questions for Shay. Then I remembered what she said about being more chaotic and decided to just phone her, so I pressed the button on the fake Iphone.

“Hello?” said a male voice with a British accent a few seconds later.

“This is Havoc, is Shay home?” I had a feeling that I had to play along or I would never get my answers.

“Hold the line,” he said, then I heard him shouting in some weird guttural language. I could hear another voice replying in another unknown language that sounded like someone was having seizures.

“Havoc?” Shay asked after a minute.

"Yes, I feel better now. Are you going to answer my questions?"

“Alright, shoot. I have recently decided that being secretive and mysterious is too common and boring, so I’ll tell you all I can. I might change my mind later, like in ten minutes or so, you know how chaos works, so take this chance.”

“First, what’s your real name? You called yourself Disharmony in that song.”

“That’s my real name. Shay Nimrod is an anagram, just in case you haven’t realized it yet.”

“Alright... You said you can’t help me win the game, so why did you save me from Sombra?”

“That pony is another player. Players can’t kill pieces. That is why I could intervene. But be careful, he can't kill you but he can and will make your life harder if you bother him.”

“Why don’t I have a dick in my draconequus body? I miss it sometimes.”

“Draconequi minor aren’t an animal race, your body is a magical construct created by me. Like a golem, made of flesh and magic. Due to that, completely depleting your magic will turn you off like any machine, but you are similar enough to living beings to die permanently if that happens. The answer to your question is that in your real body you have complete control over your magic, and you can modify your nervous system either to multiply the amount of pleasure you gain from orgasm so much your brain will fry itself or to make that pleasure last for as long as you want. All the draconequi minor with the capacity of having orgasms end up killing themselves shortly after they discover that. No exceptions. That is why I created you without a built-in self destruction system.”

“You do real-”

“Yes,” she interrupted me, “I do realize you are going to change into another form and test how much you can enhance your orgasm with your limited access to your magic. I would love to see that: a fight between the terrible cold out there and your raging lust. Next question.”

“Is Rainbow Dash a lesbian?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. I have decided to steer clear of the Elements of Harmony. You know, Disharmony, Harmony, we aren’t compatible at all.”

“Is there a limit to how much energy I can store in my body?”

“No, but interesting things will happen if you have too much chaos in yourself.”

“Like what?”

“Like ANYTHING. That’s what chaos does.”

“... Wait, you said you created me without a dick. Isn’t that a plan, and thus something not chaotic?”

“That’s not how this works. If I had to explain real chaos to you, it would take me ten times your human lifespan.”

“Really?”

“No, it would take 5 minutes of direct mental communication between us and your mortal mind couldn’t comprehend most of it. Follow your instinct and you will be chaotic enough. Really, I designed your instinct myself, I know what I am talking about.”

“What’s the deal with Screwball?”

“She’s more similar to you than you may think, even if she’s not a piece. I can’t tell you more without getting angry stares from the other gods.”

“I want to know more about your species. Are you gods or something like that?”

“There’s not much to say. We live in the void between the universes, from where we can access to all of them. Most of us are happy spending our eternal lives watching the universes and feeding from them. However, some of us, like D̡̛i͜s͟c̵̀ò͜r̕͘d, prefer to take an active role. You could say we are gods. We have no culture, no language, we aren’t a nation, all those things are for lesser beings. We are born in chaos and rejoice in it. I don’t feel poetic right now, ask something else.”

“What happened between you and Discord?”

“Oh, can you hear that? It’s the sound of your phone turning into a chicken. You’ll see me again.”

Then the phone turned into a chicken.

“Scootaloo!” it shouted, then it jumped out of my hand and crossed the magic barrier.

“... That joke stopped being funny a long time ago.”

Author's Note

Some people write more during holidays. I don't :-/

I think I need to stop putting so many links in the chapters.

10: Emo Ponies Everywhere

I decided it was time to reassess my priorities a few seconds after my phone turned into a chicken that screamed “Scootaloo”. It seems like I can’t go back home and I also have to win this game thing. How do I even do that? Disharmony said no more hiding, so that’s one option less. Think, Havoc, think. How do you win a game if you don’t know the victory conditions? She said I had to stay alive, does that mean that the last man standing wins? What if winning has nothing to do at all with fighting or surviving? For all I know, you win by being the most amusing!

I flew to the top of the magic barrier and sat on it while meditating on the game. In the end, I decided it was a waste of time, as I suspected one of the rules was that no one could know how to win the game. I thought that the best course of action was to cross the bridges as I came to them while trying to gain as much power as possible just in case I needed to fight someone. Same plan as always, without the vague idea of finding a way to return to Earth. With that settled, I focused on the faint scent of strawberries and flowers I was smelling since I sat on the barrier. I lowered my head to the barrier and sniffed it. It’s blue, but it smells like strawberries. Fuck logic.

“This barrier smells like happiness!” I exclaimed, then I licked it. “And it tastes like love and innocence!”

I spent the next minutes licking it, never questioning why a magic barrier had a smell and a taste, until I noticed I could see the ponies inside. I appearified a pair of binoculars with magic and watched them. The first minutes I was intrigued, as they were different to the ponies I had seen before. Their manes were straight, their colors were dull and they seemed to walk around with no real direction. I focused on one of them and the only thing he did was sit on a chair, rest his head on the table and sigh. The rest of them were pretty much the same, some of them talked in small groups, others walked with no destinations and many sat and stared into the distance. Crystal Empire? More like Emo Empire! Are they discorded or something? I was about to resume licking the barrier when I saw a rainbow trail between two buildings. I followed it and found Rainbow Dash herself flying towards one of the emo ponies. She talked to him for a few seconds while making some sort of boxing moves, then the emo pony replied something and left her. Rainbow Dash facepalmed and moved to another pony and repeated the process. I watched her as she became more and more frustrated due to her lack of success in whatever she was doing, hoping she would beat a pony or something. She disappointed me, as she gave up and joined the rest of the mane six. Where is Pinkie OH GOD THAT ISN’T FLUTTERSHY! Pinkie you are so random! I laughed so hard at Pinkie’s Fluttershy disguise that I lost track of all of them. Shit. I scanned the area trying to find them, but I wasn’t lucky.

I decided to watch the emo ponies until I found one of the mane six again, which was around one hour later. In that hour I learned to hate the emo ponies’ dullness. No, really, they were REALLY boring! I would rather watch paint dry than spy them ever again. When I finally found the six ponies they were preparing some sort of festival and probably singing while they did, but I couldn’t hear them from my location. Watching six ponies and one baby dragon work wasn’t THAT fun, but it was a nice change after so many emo ponies. I wondered if they would make the emo ponies less emo, or if they would fail until something happened in the end that would lead to Sombra’s defeat. Curious, I watched as some of the emo ponies took some food from a stand, and after talking and eating a bit they were suddenly enveloped in a magic light and they changed into colorful, crystal-like ponies. Oh, I get it. Crystal Empire. Crystal ponies. Cool. The change was really interesting, as not only did they become brighter; their hairstyles changed and had some sort of metal decorations that weren’t there before. More and more emo ponies turned into crystal ponies with the help of the mane six, which surely meant something good but I had no idea what it was. I decided to follow Twilight, who will always be best pony, because I suspected she would be the one with the main part in the plot. I lost her after she walked under the HUGE and ugly as hell palace in the middle of the city. It looked like some sort of humongous, spiky diamond-like crystal, and the city’s roads were arranged as a star around it. I didn’t like it a bit, the less said about it the better.

I watched as Twilight left the huge and useless empty space between the palace and the ground, only to enter the palace seconds later. A few minutes later she appeared in a balcony with Shining Armor and Princess Cadance herself. Twilight talked while passing the pages of a huge book, while Cadance seemed to be about to fall asleep. The pink alicorn said something and then she fell on Shining’s arms, or forehooves, or whatever they are called. Her horn lost the blue glow it had maintained since I first saw her and suddenly the barrier disappeared and I started falling. I managed to stop my fall soon enough, then I landed on a roof before anypony saw me. I noticed that Sombra’s shadows had formed a giant circle around the whole city, and his now giant head appeared just in front of the balcony where I saw Cadance, Shining and Twilight. He laughed and slowly approached the palace, but then the barrier began rising again. He looked shocked for half a second, and when he tried to cross the magic force field cut his horn. I heard his cry of pain as the barrier closed around the city again. What an idiot! I crossed the barrier with no problems and he only managed to lose his horn. I mentally laughed as I changed into my owl form to reach the huge, ugly, physically improbable palace without being noticed. Before I took flight I noticed that the ponies who were still “emo” were releasing chaos energy. I hope the episode doesn’t end too soon, I would hate to miss the chance of recharging my batteries.

I decided that I should talk to Shining again, just so he knew I was still alive. I also thought that, if I managed to get on their good side, they might give me some sort of royal pardon for the mess I caused in Fillydelphia. I reached the balcony where I last saw the royal couple and best pony, the former two being still there. I decided that startling the alicorn that was holding Sombra away wasn’t a good idea, so I landed on the floor behind them, making sure I wouldn’t be seen by the ponies on the ground level, and hooted until they noticed me.

“What is an owl doing here?” asked Cadance, and they both looked at me.

I will make a parenthesis to explain something, because I think I have never explained it and I would hate to forget it. When I spent two months in the woods learning how my new body worked I discovered that my transformations aren’t instantaneous. They start from the body part I am changing into, and they happen so fast the eye can’t see them. However, I can slow the process as much as I want, but it is useless because I am completely defenseless while changing and it doesn’t make a difference in how much magic it takes.

That is what I did then and there. My owl body slowly grew, feathers turning into fur or scales, my beak becoming a mouth full of teeth, and many more changes. I stood before the shocked ponies, unable to resist the urge of smirking smugly.

“Hey Shining, aren’t you going to introduce me to your marefriend?”

He bucked me straight where my balls should be. Luckily for me, he only hit muscle.

“WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!” I asked as I flew out of his reach. “I am on your side you racist psycho! That’s how you pay me for saving your life?!”

“Shining, do you know this creature?” asked Cadance, trying not to look exhausted in my presence.

“I ran into him and Sombra while going to the train station,” he explained as he stood between her and me in a defensive stance.

“Tell the whole story: I saved you from Sombra and you tried to get me killed.”

“You are a liar, just like Discord,” he replied.

“Am I? Then who was the one who pushed you into the barrier before Sombra turned you into a dark crystal? And who was the one who told me to run for the Crystal Empire, only to find that the barrier didn’t let me in while that pony-like monster chased after me?”

Shining frowned, while Cadance looked at us both.

“Shiny, is he telling the truth?”

“Maybe he is, but I didn’t know the barrier would stop him.”

“The barrier only lets in those who would never harm me,” explained Cadance, prompting Shining to become even more aggressive towards me.

“Alright, that makes me look bad. In my defense I will say that I don’t even know your name, so I would harm you in self-defense if you attacked me or something like that,” I landed as I kept on talking, trying to look as friendly as I could. “Moreover, if I wanted to harm any of you I could do it right now. You can’t use magic because of those dark crystals, and you are completely exhausted. I said I am on your side, but if you want my help I expect some apologies to begin with.”

“We don’t need your help,” said Shining, glaring daggers at me.

“Princess, you seem to be the most reasonable one. You surely know that Sombra will be unstoppable when your magic barrier falls. I don’t know if you have some sort of plan to deal with him, but if that fails you will be doomed. I will try to save as many ponies as I can if that happens, but I won’t be able to help if you all keep on trying to kill me.”

“How many ponies could you save?” she asked.

“It depends on how much time I have until your barrier falls. Right now I think I could take with me the four non-flying Elements of Harmony, and maybe the baby dragon. Anything more will require more time. Before you ask, yes I know who the Elements are and that they are here. Harmony is not my cup of tea, but they are important for you ponies and I want to help you, afterall.”

“I don’t know why you want to help us, but I believe you are being honest, so I apologize for judging you for your appearance and I ask you to help us,” Cadance said after thinking for a few seconds. “By the way, my name is Cadance.”

“I am Havoc.”

“You really think this is a good idea?” Shining asked.

“I trust in Twilight and I know she will do her best to save us, but this is a dark hour and we’ll need all the help we can take.”

“If you say so...” said Shining, not completely convinced. “Havoc, the safety of my little sister and her friends will depend on you if Twily doesn’t find the Crystal Heart, so-

“The what?” I interrupted him.

“The magic artifact that will beat Sombra if we find it in time,” he explained, annoyed. “As I was saying, if you even THINK of doing something bad to any of them, there will be no place in Equs for you to hide from me.”

“Calm your horses, Shiny boy.” Did I really say THAT? “Just tell me where do I have to carry them and they will arrive just as I found them.”

“You will have to travel that way until you reach the train station. Then you will have to protect the train until it reaches Equestria or the Royal Princesses arrive to deal with Sombra.” He pointed his hoof in a direction I didn’t bother to memorize, as I was sure that Sombra would be defeated because My Little Pony is a show for little girls and villains never win.

“Understood. Now, before I leave you, I would like to know what is the deal with that Sombra guy. Why is he so angry and powerful and prone to killing?”

“King Sombra is a unicorn whose heart is black as night who took over the Crystal Empire,” explained Shining. “A thousand years ago, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna defeated him by turning him into the shadow you saw and banishing him to the ice of the arctic north. But before the spell sealed him he was able to put a curse on the empire, which caused it tovanish into thin air. A few days ago the Crystal Empire and Sombra suddenly returned. Now he wants to retake the throne and enslave the crystal ponies again.”

“I still don’t understand why he is so strong. He was just an unicorn like you, right?”

“We don’t know.” I wonder if you are telling me the truth, Shiny boy. I suspect you don’t want to tell me how he gained his powers for some reason...

“Alright, that’s all I need to know. Now I have to leave and take some energy.”

“What do you mean by ‘taking energy’?” Cadance asked.

“I am a draconequus. I feed on chaos, literally. I will go down there and grow stronger by feeding on the chaotic energy ponies release whenever something weird happens to them. And believe me, being turned into an apathetic version of yourself counts as something weird. Don’t worry, my form of feeding is completely harmless to ponies.”

“You grow stronger when weird things happen to ponies? Really?” Shining said, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know how it works, but it does. I can actually die due to lack of chaos, like you would die if you stopped breathing. I would love to talk about how awesome I am, but the more time I spend here the less power I will gain. By the way, they aren’t carrying the Elements of Harmony on their necks, are they? I would hate to be zapped by them before I explain that I am not an enemy.”

“Don’t worry about that, now go. I need to concentrate on the barrier,” said Cadance, closing her eyes while leaning on Shining.

I waved goodbye and turned back to my owl form to return to the town. Havoc, master of trolling and wrecker of canon episodes. I landed on a lampost next to a stand with some sort of food. I fed on the chaotic energy released by both the cursed emo ponies and the recovered ones for a long time. I knew I wouldn’t have enough power to beat Sombra by the time Cadance’s barrier fell, but I was sure he would be defeated by Twilight with some sort of overpowered magic so I wasn’t too worried about fighting him. However, I was still very weakened so I decided not to waste such a good chance to recover. Moreover, it was rather fun, watching the crystal ponies change so drastically just because they ate a sweet.

“Oh my! This sweet roll tastes just like the ones my mother bakes,” a mare exclaimed, then she turned to face a cursed stallion. “You have to try one, darling. I’m sure they’ll help you recover from Sombra’s spell.”

“I want nothing made by that arpy you call mother. She hates me as much as I hate her,” the stallion replied, sighing.

“You love my mother’s food and you know it,” she replied, frowning. “Eat. Now.” Somepony is going to sleep on the couch tonight.

The stallion sighed again and took a bite from a sweet roll. A smile appeared on his face as he chewed it, and suddenly he stopped being emo.

“They really taste like your mother’s! Let’s buy some more to eat them while we see the jousting!” he exclaimed.

Jousting? That could be awesome. I flew higher to find the jousting place. My love for medieval films helped me recognize its particular shape very soon... Oh Hell no, not again!

…

…

OK, it’s over now. I have just remembered all the chapters of Game of Thrones I’ve seen, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Excalibur, and many, many more films. I hate that I keep on remembering those things instead of the faces of my relatives, my friends or even my own name. Heck, I don’t even know if I was married before coming to Equestria. Well, that’s enough ranting, let’s continue.

I flew towards the tiltyard, which is the name of the jousting arena (how do I remember that?), and noticed that there were quite a lot of crystal ponies already waiting for the show to begin. Oh, this could be a good time to try illusion spells. I will probably need them in the future. I landed on a roof and returned to my main form. From there I used my magic to make an illusionary sombrero appear on a pony’s head.

“Where did that sombrero come from?” asked another pony.

“A sombrero, where?”

I stopped channeling the spell and the sombrero disappeared.

“It disappeared!” said the same pony, “how could- Oh wait it must have been one of those equestrian unicorns. Hmph...”

Good, good, it doesn’t require as much energy as I thought it would. Let’s try something more complicated.

I focused on my own body and made myself invisible. I stopped half a second later, as it required so much energy I felt something like pain when I did it. Alright, turning invisible is possible but I will become powerless in no time if I do it. Let’s try changing how I look, without changing my real shape. I tried changing my colors first, and I managed to turn myself pink. I needed a constant flux of energy to keep it up, but it was very small so I decided to use it to mimetize like a chameleon if I ever needed to do such a thing. After that, I created an illusion of a blue police box around me. This is cool, but I can’t see anything from here! I crossed the illusion, and turned back to see it. The illusion was opaque from both the inside and the outside, so the inside was completely dark. When one of my hands went through it I just felt the same familiar sensation I felt whenever I touched something created by my magic. After a few tries I managed to modify the illusion so I could see from the inside but no one could see me from the outside. I dispelled it and decided that I could try a transformation into something that wasn’t included in the “kit” of creatures I was made of. I tried to turn into human, but my mana wasn’t enough to do that, just like the last time I tried. Instead of giving up, I tried to turn into a pony instead. I felt my body being twisted and morphed by my own power, shaping me as a pony. It was slow, a bit painful, and much more demanding in terms of energy than my usual transformations, but it was working. I was about to turn into a non-specific stallion when I heard a pony shout.

“Nothing tastes better than a crystal BERRY!”

That cry broke my focus, so I turned into Berry Punch; an earth pony mare with pink coat, dark pink mane and a bunch of grapes and a strawberry as a cutie mark. I didn’t realize that at first. Only when, after returning to the street, I looked at my butt and noticed the specific color scheme and cutie mark did I discover something was wrong. A quick peek at my private parts confirmed my suspicions.

I am a mare now... I have a freaking VAGINA between my legs. My current emotional status is too complex to describe it with words.

I was wasting energy to maintain the pony transformation, so I had to find a way to gain more energy or I would be forced to break the transformation. But first, I had to... FEEL... my new body part. I hid in a small alley between two houses and I poured some magic into my right hoof to turn it into a human hand. Lyra would be so jealous if she saw this. I slowly reached towards my ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

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I̕͞ ̶a͝m ̕D̵is̶h̶̀́á̵̡rmǫ͘͟n͘͝y͞,҉ ͏a̡n҉̛̕d́͢͝ ͜͡I ̶ẁ̀o̕̕͝ǹ̢'͏t̷̕͘ ̸̢á͞͠l҉͏l͢ow̸̧ s̡ex̷̨͝u͟a͜llý ͜e̵xp̨̕͜l͟i̡͝c̸i̷̡͟t̵̀́ ̢̧͟con҉͞t́͘e͞n͢t͝ i̸͢͠n̸͏ t͘his̡͠ s̴tǫry.̨̨ Ḿ̵y̸̨ ̸̡̡l̶įt̕͟͢t̶̛l̴è ͜h͡or͡s̸̶͜e͜f̶͝ucḱ̛e̴̷r͟͏d͟͢ǫ̴e̷͝s̛͞n͏'̧͟t̕͢ k̵n͟o̴̵w̷̢͝ ̕y̧o͝u̵̕͡ ͜͡c͏̛a̶n ͡͏a̷c̀͜͜ţ̶u̷a͝l̡̕l̀͟y͡ ̡re̷͜a̷d̀̀ ̵̛h̸̵is̛ t̡h͢o͢͢͠u̢g̢͏̛h͢ts̛,̸ ҉̡͞fim͠͏͝f̢͘i͜͏ć̢͞t̶io͟n̵ ̵ùs̡͜e̕͜r̛͜s͢,̕͏̸ ̢e҉̀v̨͠en̷͜ ̶̴th͏͏o̢u̵g͠h ͢͝͠o͟͢҉n͢é́͞ ̴̛o̡͞f̶ ͠hiş҉̸ ͘͢͞ma̧̢į̴̛n ͘͜͡g͏҉o̷a̧l҉̕s̵ ͝i̕s̨ ̛͟p̵rè̛c̛̛͠i͢s͢ęl̕͏y̵̕͘ ̸̷̡th̛á̛t҉. B҉ų͡t̨͢͠ ͢Į̸͜ d͝ơ̷̡͠a͟n͝d̴͞ ̸͢Ì̡͜ ̸͠w͘o̶͏n̷̵'̸̢҉t ̶̷l̢͢et҉͟ h̡͡i̕͡m̀̕ r̴͝uì͜͜n̢ e͏̸v̵e̶r͘͠y̡͢͜t́h̨͠i̴͠͏n̵̨͏g ̢w̛͠i͟͜t̨h͝ ̵̀h̡̡i̶s̴ ̴ḑ̶į͘r̸t̸̢y̴͡ ̷͢t̕h̷́o͢͜u̕g̸h̷t̨͟s̶̕ án̶ḑ͘ ͏a̡c̡̧͜ti͞o͢ǹ̸s͏.

I left the alley, feeling relaxed and happy. Combining the new sensations of a female body with the use of magic to increase the pleasure had given me the ride of my life. I wasted more magic than I should, what with summoning the huge ████ and stabbing my wet ██████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████.

I think I should stop talking about that. Only when I left the alley did I notice that Cadance’s barrier was beginning to flicker, letting an ominous dark yellow sky replace the fake bright blue one for a few seconds. I went to the jousting arena and sat on the stand, amongst the crystal ponies who were trying not to look at the weakened barrier that protected them from King Sombra .

“Hey! You are from Equestria, right?” a pale purple mare with yellow mane sitting by my left asked.

“That is...” oh fuck my voice is so weird, “right. I am Sweet Grape, from Ponyville, Equestria.”

“If you are from Equestria, why are you sitting here with us instead of working like the others?” asked the mare on my right, who was blue coated with a purplish mane.

“The thing is... Those ponies are heroes, but I’m not one of them,” I explained, baking a new lie. “I came to the Crystal Empire on my own to be the first equestrian to write a cookbook for food only found here, like... Uh... Crystal berries.”

“That’s a great idea!”

“No, it isn’t,” said one of the ponies who were still emo. “There are lots of cookbooks in our library. If Sombra is defeated and everything returns to normality those books will be more popular than yours.”

“It’s been a thousand years since those books were written. Cooking has evolved, so I can and will make a successful cookbook,” I poked my tongue at him... and he turned back to his original, happy state!

“Oh my! You are right! Tell me everything about your cooking from the future!” he said with a huge smile on his face and his eyes sparkling. He’s creeping me out... And I know nothing about pony cuisine. Think fast, Havoc!

“Shut up down there! The jousting is about to begin!” another stallion said, saving me from an uncomfortable situation.

I saw Pinkie Pie, wearing a clown outfit, jump into the arena and do some juggling for a few minutes, while Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy ‘wait, Fluttershy is going to compete against RD? What the fuck?!’ put the armours and s on. Cadance’s barrier blinked a few more times, and Pinkie reacted to it by blowing the horn so the jousting could begin before the ponies panicked or became emos again. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy charged against each other. The blue ambiguously lesbian mare running at great speeds, while the yellow one tried not to become too scared to continue. For a moment I thought that Fluttershy would defeat Rainbow Dash due to sheer luck and cartoon logic, but then the pink-maned pegasus shied away, giving Rainbow an easy target to hit. The force of the impact made Fluttershy fly away and fall in a pile of hay a few meters away.

“Woooo! Awesome!” I shouted, infected with the excitement of the crystal ponies around me.

Rainbow and Fluttershy had another two rounds, which ended just like the first one. By the time they were readying themselves for the fourth one, I noticed a reduction in the energy I gained from how funny Fluttershy’s awful jousting was. This isn’t working, I’m going to do something stupid!

I ran to the tent where they kept the armours and the s, and tried to put a set on. Only when I was fully dressed did I realize I had managed to do it all with hooves, including things that should be only possible with hands. Don’t think about it, Havoc. Cartoon logic, it’s just cartoon logic and magic.

“Mares and gentlecolts!” I shouted as I left the tent. “I challenge Rainbow Dash here and now!”

The crowd exploded with cheers when I took Fluttershy’s place. Said pony just cowered away from me as Rainbow Dash flew towards me.

“What do you think you are doing?” the athletic pegasus asked, frowning under the helmet.

“Making a big show so these ponies forget about the giant shadow monster that is about to burst in.”

“Alright, but I want a proper explanation after I wipe the floor with you,” she replied, flying back to her position.

“Sure, sure.” … I hope this doesn’t hurt.

We charged against each other. Rainbow Dash came to me like a bullet, while I struggled to keep the lance pointing towards her, which is harder than it seems when the lance is attached to your body and you can’t use your hands to move it. I messed up and my lance moved to the right just before it hit Rainbow in the chest, hitting her own lance instead. That caused her weapon to move upwards, so it hit me in the face instead of the better protected chest. Everything went dark in an explosion of pain. I lost control of my magic, so I could feel my body struggling against the armor as it tried to return to my draconequus form. Why do I always have such terrible ideas?! I managed to regain control of my magic to keep the form of Berry Punch, but I didn’t dare to try healing myself, as I feared that doing that would turn me back to draconequus.

“Oh my gosh! Are you alright?!” asked Rainbow Dash as I struggled to get on my hooves.

“I will be fine, but my face hurts a lot,” I managed to say with a nasal voice.

“I shouldn’t have let you participate. I don’t even know who you are. Fluttershy, tend to this pony while I try to calm the crowd.”

“Come with me, if it’s okay with you,” Fluttershy said, her shyness surpassed by her desire to help me.

I followed her to a nearby tent as Rainbow Dash shouted some reassuring words to the crowd which I didn’t bother to hear. The first thing Fluttershy did was to take her own armor off so she could move freely.

“Please, let me take the helmet off of your face. Tell me if it hurts,” the kind pegasus said.

I stood still while she took the piece of metal from my head. It didn’t hurt at all, which was fine because I thought I had already felt enough pain for a day.

“Oh my...” Fluttershy murmured, taking a few steps away from me.

“Is it that bad?” I asked, but then I realized that Fluttershy was looking around, as if she was trying to find an exit. Why would she... Uh oh.

I turned to face a mirror, and found what had scared Fluttershy. The left side of my face, which was where the lance hit me, was gray instead of pink, with sharp teeth and an orange and black eye. SHIT, what do I do now?! I stared at the mirror, mouth agape, for ten seconds, until I decided to fake a faint. I managed not to smirk as I heard Fluttershy slowly walking towards me. I broke the transformation and grabbed her with an arm while covering her mouth with the other. Why do I feel like I’ve done this before?

“Shhhh, it’s alright,” I whispered. “I am an ally of Shining Armor, I am not an enemy.”

I stared into her eyes, but that was a terrible mistake, because she used The S̀t͝҉̶á̸̡͜͡r̨ȩ̴͘͠on me as soon as I did.

“Shit,” I managed to say before I felt its effect.

I felt a terrible remorse for grabbing her like that, so I dropped her immediately. I tried to look away, but those EYES were like hooks digging into my very soul, and I was powerless to stop their silent judgement.

“Listen to me, and listen well,” the scariest pony in the world ordered, “I want you to tell me the truth, and only the truth. Understood?”

I nodded, unable to do anything else.

“Are you really on our side?”

“Yes,” my mouth replied without my conscious mind ordering it to do so.

“What is your name?”

“My current name is Havoc. I forgot my older name.”

“Do anypony else know that you are here?”

“Shining Armor and Cadance.”

“Why did you hide from the rest of us?”

“Because I fear you will turn me into a statue or something equally bad with the Elements of Harmony if you see me.”

“Why do I feel like I have seen you before?”

“Because you have seen me before.”

“... I am waiting for an explanation, here.”

“Yes, yes, sorry! A month or so ago I went to Ponyville. There a servant of Discord attacked me. I went to your house, used my powers to make you forget about me and then I forced you to Stare my enemies away. I left before they recovered from your Stare.”

“So that’s why one day I woke up in the evening, not remembering anything and surrounded by broken furniture?”

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what to do at the time! I guess Screwball made you forget about everything to avoid being discovered.”

“How did you know about the Stare?”

“Oh, please, not that question. I... Damn it... Where I come from... There’s...”

I heard a cracking noise, and dark crystals covered the ground and part of the tent. That broke Fluttershy’s S̀t͝҉̶á̸̡͜͡r̨ȩ̴͘͠, releasing me. I closed my eyes as soon as I recovered my will.

“Look, Fluttershy, I would like to explain things to you, preferably without being forced by your Stare, but Sombra is out there and that’s more important. You know I’m on your side, so let me be on my way so I can help you all.”

“Alright, but this isn’t over. I mean, if you don’t mi-” she stopped for half a second. “No, this isn’t over, and that is all.”

I dared to open my eyes when I heard her walk outside. I changed to my owl form and flew towards the castle, trying to forget the horrifying experience of being Stared. I still feel chills right now when I think about those eyes, staring right into my soul...

I... I am too freaked out to continue... I need some time to forget about the S̀t͝҉̶á̸̡͜͡r̨ȩ̴͘͠.

Author's Note

11: Homestuck

Come on, Havoc, you can do this. Yes, The S͆̄͐̂ͮ͏̶̘͖͔̘̣̼͕̫͇͘͢͞ͅţ͇̘͕̞͚̘̘̮͎͎̹̭̐̈́͋̑̀́͐̊̽̽́ă̵̷̺̫̳̣̱̖̹̙̹̲̖͇͎̍͆̊̏̓ͪ͡͝ͅr̵̷̛̟̩̠̠̣̖̣͕̖͎͔ͦ̍ͫͨ͗͗̊ͯͩ̄ͩͤ͘͠e̛̥̰̗̤̮̩̰̯̪̳͙̦̰͂̋ͦ̎͒ͥ͌̋̽ͪ̒͂̇͗̅ͣ̏͝ ̢was one of the scariest things you have ever seen, but that won’t stop you from going on.

...

Alright, here it goes.

I flew out of the tent in my owl form just after Fluttershy did the same. Things had gone awry outside very fast. Many buildings were covered in dark crystals, and the barrier was flickering all the time. The crystal ponies were panicking, some of them returning to their emo status. This sparked an idea in my mind that made me forget the horror that is the S̴̶̴̷͢t̶̢̡ą̨͟͜͞r͘͘͢͡e̵͢͞. What will happen if I “discord” an emo pony? … Screw everything, I need to know that. I flew back to the ground level, and found an emo pony peering through the open window of a house. Target locked. I flew through it, managing not to collide against the pony’s head.

“What the...” he began as I turned back to draconequus and put my finger on his forehead, trying to discord him.

“FUCK!” I exclaimed as my finger was pushed back by an enormous force that came from inside the pony as soon as I tried to use my magic. This force made me crash against a wall a few meters behind me so hard I left my silhouette on it when I passed through. I rose surrounded in a cloud of dust, my back aching due to the impact. When the cloud dissipated I found myself in a bathroom and two emo ponies, the stallion I had tried to discord and a mare, staring at me from the draconequus-shaped hole in the wall.

“Sorry for breaking your wall, give me a second and I’ll fix it,” I said, feeling very embarrassed.

They moved back to let me pass, probably too shocked and emo to be scared. I used my magic to repair the wall, filling the hole with mint flavored play dough.

“You might want to get that plastered after this whole deal is over,” I added with an awkward smile.

The mare looked at me with bored eyes.

“Are you going to kill us, or will you leave us so we can be enslaved by King Sombra again?” she asked with no hint of emotion in her voice.

“More like the second, I just came to check what happened if I used my magic on any of you while you were under Sombra’s curse. It seems like it has some sort of defense system, which was what threw me to the wall. With that said, I’m leaving.”

I walked towards the open window, but just before I could leave the house a wall of dark crystals covered the window, plunging the room into darkness.

“... Shit.”

I tried to punch through a wall with my ent arm, but I was stopped by something far stronger than bricks or cement. I removed my arm from the hole I made on the wall and found that the outside of it was also covered by dark crystals. Fuck. I’m stuck in here with these emo ponies. I sure hope these crystals will disappear when the episode ends and Sombra is defeated. I better keep myself busy to avoid going nuts and killing everypony in the building in the meanwhile.

“Great, now I’m trapped here with you two,” I stated as I healed my ent hand, which had two broken fingers after punching the crystal.

I heard one of them walk away and, after a click, the room was illuminated again. I looked up and found one of those lamps with a shining gem inside, like the ones in Granite Back but fancier.

“I didn’t expect you to have artificial illumination... Anyways, we might be stuck here for a while, I think knowing each other will reduce the awkwardness,” I added, sighing. “My name is Havoc, what are yours?”

“I’m Emerald Sword,” said the stallion I had tried to discord. True to his name, his cutie mark was a greenish sword. “She is Opal, my wife.” LOL, she has the same name as Rarity’s cat.

“Don’t worry, I serve Equestria,” I explained when, after managing not to laugh at the name, I noticed they were still wary of me, which probably means they would have run away screaming if they weren’t emos. “I would never harm a pony.” I can’t believe how easy it is to lie at these ponies. They are so gullible...

“If you say so...” said Emerald Sword, as they both left me alone in the room. Best hosts ever.

I took a look around, noticing for the first time that I was in a bedroom. I found nothing amusing so I left the room. I had to move on all fours to avoid hitting my head against the ceiling, and even then I had trouble crossing the doors with my great girth. There were only two other rooms in that floor, one being the bathroom I had already visited by accident and the other a junk room filled with old furniture and, well, junk in general. Only after turning the lights off in the junk room did I realize I had been using the switchers like I would on Earth. It seems that habits don’t die so easily. I tried to walk down the stairs, but the steps were too narrow for me so I used my magic to float down. I found the door to the outside in front of me, but I didn’t bother trying to open it, as I was convinced that it was covered by crystals. On the right there was a kitchen with nothing remarkable. I’m sure someone with more culture would have been marvelled at the differences between a pony kitchen and a human kitchen, or even at the differences between the one thousand years old kitchen I saw and any other equestrian kitchen. But that someone isn’t me.

On the left was the living room, where the two emo ponies were sitting on a sofa, staring at something. I followed their gaze and found a bookshelf that covered all the wall.

“That’s a nice personal library,” I said.

“I guess so,” replied Opal.

I took a book and read its title: Harry Clopper and the Order of the Phoenix. Really?! I took another one, it was “The Art of Crystal Swordsmanship.” After a minute I found that most of the books were either fiction works or manuals on fighting and swordsmanship.

“So, you are good with the sword?” I asked Emerald Sword.

“I think so,” he replied without emotion.

“Show me your moves,” I said. “I am getting bored and I am dangerous when I’m bored.”

He sighed as he got up from the sofa and opened a wardrobe, which was filled to the brim with swords.

No, really, there were a LOT of swords in there. It was, like, one of those wardrobes in which an adult human would struggle to fit in, and the crystal pony had managed to fit in there at least fifty swords somehow. I don’t know why did he have so many, but he did.

He threw me a wooden sword and took another with his mouth. The ceiling was too low for me to fight standing, so I grabbed the sword with my right hand while standing on the remaining three limbs. I started with a horizontal slash that he parried with a lazy move. Then I tried a vertical one, which was deflected with the same laziness. I continued attacking, each attack a little faster than the previous one, but he kept on dodging and parrying them without even flinching. I got a bit angry at how he didn’t even try to attack back and I did a horizontal slash with all my might. He ducked to dodge it and jumped at me, touching me between the eyes with the tip of his sword.

“You are dead,” he stated, not even bothering to boast.

“Wow, that was awesome,” I said, genuinely surprised. “I will have to try harder to make you sweat.”

I changed into dragon, becoming small enough to stand in the room. I charged at him again, using my height to my advantage. He seemed to have no problems parrying my attacks, so I tried to punch him with my spare hand. He dodged my fist and retaliated by bucking me in the solar plexus. My scales protected me, but it still knocked the wind out of me. When I could breath again my sword was behind him and his sword was on my neck again.

“Dead.”

Growling, I changed back to draconequus and used my magic to levitate three wooden swords from the wardrobe, which attacked Emerald Sword at the same time. I expected him to be hit by at least one of them, but he surprised me by dodging two and blocking the third with a swift move. I kept on attacking him, but he just blocked everything I threw at him as he slowly advanced towards me. I made the swords move in ways only possible with magic or large tentacle-like arms, attacking him from all directions at the same time, and I still couldn’t hit him even once. He moved his sword so fast I could only see a blur blocking my attacks, and he dodged what he couldn’t parry with such a small margin that, had the swords been made out of steel, I would have shaved his coat. After a minute he was close enough to hit me in the muzzle with his sword, and he did.

“Dead, again.”

“YEAH! THAT’S MY HUSBAND!” Opal cheered, jumping from the sofa with excitement, her coat turning back to its colorful aspect. Emerald Sword spat his weapon and smiled smugly when he heard her, his coat also returning to its original state.

“Come here and kiss me, silly mare,” he said.

I checked the books again, waiting until they stopped being all happy and lovey-dovey. When they did, Emerald Sword faced me with suspicion.

“Now that I am back to normal I want to know what are you and why are you here,” he asked, slowly moving away from me.

“I am Havoc, a draconequus. I am here helping the Equestrian ponies in their mission to defeat Sombra. I barged into your home to check how my magic was affected by Sombra. You saw how that ended. Now I’m here stuck with you until that crazy unicorn is defeated.”

“Are you sure they can handle Sombra? He is very powerful and evil,” said Emerald, frowning.

“Yes, his heart is darker than black!” exclaimed Opal, hyperventilating. “He doesn’t know the meaning of mercy, and he will come and put the chains on us again and send us to the mines and-” her husband covered her mouth with his hoof.

“Everything will be alright,” he whispered soothingly as he hugged her. “Don’t worry about him, we have to be strong and move on so the curse of that monster doesn’t take over us again.”

“You are right, those Equestrians will defeat him and bring us freedom, and we will never be scared again.”

Yet again, I did as if I was checking the books until they finished, but that only reduced the awkwardness a bit. Only when one of them coughed did I dare to turn back.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” asked Emerald Sword, “I was a member of the Royal Guard before Sombra took over the Empire. I know the palace like the sole of my hoof and you’ve seen that I can fight.”

“Meh, by the time we manage to go out Sombra will have been defeated already. So have a seat my dears, if it's all the same. Just sit back and relax, unless you know a way to break those dark crystals.”

“Many of us tried when Sombra started spreading them, but our efforts were fruitless.”

“Then tell me where can I take a nap, I have been awake for around 30 hours and now that there’s nothing I can do I really need to rest.”

“Go to the bedroom upstairs,” said Opal, “we will wake you if the crystals disappear.”

“Thank you.”

I learned when I spent two months in the woods that I didn’t really need to sleep, I could just keep myself running with magic for as long as I wanted. However, doing that makes me feel tired and it is a stupid waste of energy. I also think sleeping lets my brain catch up with all the new information I gather every day and helps me remember things better. The point is, I had woken up as a dragon, fought against one of the black dragon twins, planned an attack, fought against Morg and Rake, guarded the entrance to Morg’s cave for hours, covered a great distance flying, escaped from a crazy pink dragoness, walked through the frozen lands, fought against Sombra, had a phone conversation with Disharmony, met Shining Armor and Cadance, lurked around the Crystal Empire, learned how to do illusion and transformation spells, ████████████████, lost against Rainbow Dash in the jousting, suffered Fluttershy’s S̕͡t͏̧à͜rę̵, and, to top it all, sparred with a insanely skilled swordspony; so I was EXHAUSTED. I went upstairs and lied down on the floor of the bedroom.

I put my head on the fluffy surface of my right arm, purring with contentment like the weirdest and biggest cat in the world. I was already half-asleep when, after ten seconds, I heard an ominous voice shouting.

“What?! No! NO! STOP!” the voice, which obviously belonged to King Sombra, shouted.

His powerful cry of pain was almost deafened by the noise of the dark crystals breaking into nothingness and the sound made by some sort of blue magical barrier-wave-thing. When the magic touched me it put me back on my feet, leaving a tingling sensation all over my body. I looked at my arms and found that they were shining like diamonds.

“This draconequus is now diamonds” I said, then I whistled.

I ran downstairs and barged into the living room, where I found the crystal ponies, their coats so... crystalline I could see through them.

“The Crystal Heart has been recovered!” Emerald Sword exclaimed. “We are free again!”

“If only it had taken them a little longer to defeat Sombra... “I muttered. “I couldn’t rest at all. Hm... Is this crystal thing permanent?”

“Don’t worry, it will fade as soon as you leave the Empire,” explained Opal. “It’s just a side effect of the Crystal Heart’s magic.”

“Well, at least it didn’t make me explode or anything. Well, now I should leave and check on the Equestrians. I don’t know how long will we stay, so I guess this is a goodbye. It’s been a pleasure to meet both of you.”

“The world surely has changed if ponies and draconequuses live together in peace,” said Opal.

“Actually... I’m sort of the only draconequus working with ponies, and probably the only one other than Discord that lives in Equestria,” I explained as I moved towards the room’s window.

“I see... Well then, feel free to visit if you ever come back to the Empire.”

“Thanks! Goodbye!” I said, opening the nearest window and leaving as an owl.

“That was weird,” I heard Emerald Sword say with my keen owl hearing.

“We have just travelled 1000 years into the future, nothing can be weirder than that,” replied Opal. “Anyways. WE ARE FREE! SOMBRA IS NO MORE! LET’S PARTY!”

I couldn’t hear Emerald’s answer, as the noise of all the ponies celebrating the victory over Sombra drowned it. Meh, who cares? It’s not like I’m going to see them ever again. I flew towards the palace above the celebrating ponies, ignoring them as soon as I noticed that their feasting and rejoicing was completely non-chaotic. As I expected, I found Shining Armor, Cadance, Spike and the mane six waving from the balcony at the crystal ponies below. I landed on the balcony railing behind them and took advantage of my awesome owl powers that allow me to sleep while standing. I missed Cadance’s “we won, we are awesome” speech, but fortunately it was so long I managed to sleep for half an hour before the hoofsteps of all of them leaving the balcony woke me up.

“That was an incredible speech, Cadance!” Twilight said as she walked past me. “I can’t believe you improvised it.”

“I didn’t,” she calmly stated. “I knew you would save us, so I had a victory speech ready. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really need to sleep. You should do the same, it’s been a hard day for everypony.” I know that feel sis.

“Let me show you to your rooms,” Shining said, leading the mane six and Spike towards a corridor.

I followed Cadance as she walked through another corridor. She probably heard the flapping of my wings, as she soon turned her head back and stared at me.

“You can show your true form here, there’s nopony else in this part of the palace.”

I tried to change back to my draconequus form, but I felt a weird external magic altering my own power which made the spell misfire. I could heard random silly noises as my body shifted from one form to another. Dafuq is going on?! Most of the changes were too fast for me to realize what I had become, but I am sure I was a giant scorpion, a centaur and a llama for an instant. After a few seconds I finally recovered my draconequus form. I landed on all fours, dizzy after so many changes.

“That never happened to me before,” I said, scratching the back of my head. “I blame your anti-Sombra magic messing with my chaos magic.”

“You have been affected by the Crystal Heart. With all things considered, you should be thankful. Had it considered you a threat, you would have shared Sombra’s fate.”

“What happened to him, anyways? I got homestuck by his dark crystals and I couldn’t see anything.”

“He was destroyed,” she deadpanned.

“Wow, congratulations. That is totally badass. Well, I know you are very tired, and so am I, so tell me where can I sleep and when does the train to Equestria departs and we’ll be able to rest.”

“This part of the palace is empty. Choose a room and lock it from the inside, no one will disturb you. No train leaves the Empire until tomorrow morning.”

“Thanks, princess Cadance,” I said, bowing. “Sweet dreams.”

I opened the first door I found and blocked it with a chair. I was lucky enough to enter a bedroom with a huge bed. By huge I mean it was large enough for me to fit in my main form, which can’t be said of most pony beds.

“A real bed... So beautiful...” I whispered, unable to contain a few tears of happiness. When those tears touched the floor they turned it into a green goo that covered a rather big portion of the room, but the siren song of the bed was too strong for me to notice it.

I fell asleep before my brain processed the feeling of my head resting on the pillow.

12: Back to Equestria

I woke up feeling better than I had felt in weeks. I had gotten used to sleep wherever I could rather soon, and some of my forms have scales or thick hide that don’t really notice the difference between rock, dirt and bed, but sometimes I woke up longing for a real bed. To sum it up: I felt happy.

The room was dark, and a quick peek at the window confirmed that the sun had yet to rise. I got up and looked out the window at the sky. I guessed the sunrise wouldn’t happen in at least two hours, so I decided to do something I really wanted to do: have a proper breakfast. I knew it was stupid and risky, but I was decided to do it, so I left the bedroom and changed into diamond dog. I found the kitchen thanks to my powerful sense of smell, which helped me take the correct turn in every intersection without even needing to turn any light on. I stood still a few seconds after I entered the kitchen and turned the magic lights on, as I feared I wouldn’t know what to do without a microwave oven or a fridge. When I overcame the initial shock I noticed two things. One, my skin was no longer crystal-like. Two, the kitchen was too small for such a big place, so it probably wasn’t the kitchen where the palace’s staff prepared the meals for everypony. I changed to draconequus and walked on all fours towards something that looked like a fridge with some gems on top of it. I could feel magic coming from the gems, so I guessed they were the source of power. I opened it and found lots of milk, eggs, many dairy products and a few more things. No meat, not that I expected ponies to have meat, but I have a craving for bacon right now... Hm... Maybe... NO, killing one of the mane six and turning her into bacon is a no-no! It wouldn’t even taste like pork bacon. Casting aside such murderous thoughts, I grabbed a bottle of milk, butter, peach jam and eggs. Grinning like a sex-maniac, I looked all over the place until I found all the ingredients I needed.

Twenty minutes later, I was seated at the table, with the best breakfast in the history of breakfasts made by a draconequus minor in the kitchens of the Crystal Empire’s palace in front of me. I was about to have eggs, french fries, hay bacon strips, toasts, pancakes, a fruit salad, coffee with milk and an orange juice for breakfast. I also found a spare refrigerator gem, so I decided to eat it as a replacement for meat, and I found to my delight that it tasted like ice-cream. While looking for the bread for the toasts I found that somepony had brought it and a newspaper earlier. Probably a few minutes before I arrived, as the bread was still warm. I had made so much of everything I would need at least an hour to eat it all, and I intended to do so. So there I was, sitting at a table, having breakfast while reading the newspaper. I had even taken a napkin, a dish and cutlery instead of eating with my bare hands. The only problem was that the chairs and tables were too small for me, so I was a bit uncomfortable, but trying to shrink myself to solve that would have been a stupid waste of magic.

I was going to eat some hay bacon strips when the door to the kitchen opened, and the mane six, Spike, and the Royal Couple came into the kitchen.

“It smells nice!” exclaimed Spike, who had not seen me yet. “I thought you said nopony had... made... HOLY GUACAMOLE!”

Okay, Havoc, first things first: you are a fucking idiot for not going to another room to have breakfast without being seen. Now play it cool, the more you freak out the more likely is that they will zap you with the Elements of Harmony. I stared at them, who were already staring at me. Nopony dared to break the silence, so I returned my gaze to the newspaper.

“Good morning, everypony,” I said nonchalantly. “I made enough breakfast for all of us, feel free to come and join me.” I used my magic to place extra dishes and cutlery on the table for the newcomers.

“Can we panic now?” Rarity whispered.

“That won’t be necessary,” said Shining. “He’s on our side.”

“Really?” asked the rest of them, save for Fluttershy and Cadance.

“Ugh... It’s too early for this,” the stallion groaned. “Why did you have to be here?”

“Sorry, I didn’t expect you to wake up before the sunrise,” I explained.

“Well, at least you made breakfast,” commented Cadance. “That is a nice gesture.”

“What is going on?!” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why is Discord’s fat cousin here and why are you saying he’s not an enemy?!”

“Hey, I’m not fat! I’m big boned!” No, really, I am not fat! Fat is the last adjective one would use to objectively describe me.

“He saved me from Sombra in the frozen lands,” explained Shining Armor. “He also swore to help us if, for some reason, Sombra had attacked us.”

“Then why didn’t we see him when Sombra was tryin’ to get the Crystal Heart?” asked Applejack.

“I was trapped by the dark crystals inside of a house,” I explained. “Those things are a real annoyance, at least their source is dead. The food will cool down if you don’t come soon.”

“Like hay I’m going to eat something made by you!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “You could have poisoned it all!”

I shrugged and resumed reading. A few seconds later Shining, Cadance and Fluttershy took seats at the table. The alicorn’s horn glowed, and a faint blue aura covered all the food for a few seconds.

“The food isn’t poisoned,” she told everypony, then she faced me. “You know, it’s uncouth to raid other ponies’ fridges without permission, and it probably is a crime, if you take into account that this is the Royal Kitchen.”

“I guess you are right. It’s just that I haven’t had a real breakfast in months and I couldn’t resist the chance of having one today. I hope you will forgive me.”

Cadance is going to become best pony at this rate. To think I raged when I learned that Hasbro was going to add her as a third alicorn... Wait, she said that as a joke, right?!

“I have always been proud of my pancakes. However, the batter could be one thousand years old, so be careful.”

“Is that a half-eaten refrigerator gem?” asked Shining, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, it looked too tasty not to eat it. I am part dragon and part diamond dog, so I can eat them. ...Oh! I hope they aren’t very expensive or rare!”

“Don’t worry about that, I was just curious.”

Those who hadn’t taken a seat at the table were staring at us with the funniest expressions I had seen in quite a lot of time. Twilight, Applejack and Spike were mouth agape, Rainbow Dash was frowning and Rarity had a expression of disgust.

“Fluttershy, I think your friends don’t want to join us for breakfast. What can we do to convince them otherwise? Breakfast is, after all, the most important meal of the day.”

The yellow pegasus whispered something with such a faint voice that I couldn’t understand a single word.

“Please, Fluttershy, you don’t have to be shy around me. We started with the wrong foot, hoof, whatever, what with me making a mess in your house and you *gulp* Staring me... But that’s all in the past and we’re friends now, right?”

“... I guess so?” she muttered, not very convinced.

“I didn’t know you knew each other,” said Shining.

“You never asked.”

“Girls!” called Cadance. “How longer are you planning on standing there with shocked expressions? Please come and take a seat so we can start.”

At last, Twilight moved forward, and the others followed her. When the last of them sat awkwardly at the table, I could finally eat the hay bacon strip I had on my dish. It was a big letdown, as I expected it to be way more tasty.

“I think you should tell us who are you and what are you doing here,” said Twilight, who was the only one who hadn’t fell for the charm of my breakfast and wasn’t eating.

“My name is Prince Havoc, I am an alicorn,” she frowned when I said that. “What, you don’t believe me? Have you ever seen a male alicorn before? This is what we look like, it’s called sexual dimorphism.”

“He’s right, Twilight,” said Cadance. “Draconequi are, in fact, male alicorns.”

Their mouths hit the floor, including Shining’s, as they looked from Cadance to me in bewilderment. She managed to keep her poker face, but I bursted into laughter very soon.

“Princess, you are the best pony I have ever met!” I managed to say between laughs. I laughed so hard that I fell from the chair, and that made me laugh even harder.

I sat back on the chair when I finally managed to stop laughing.

“Okay, okay, let’s get serious,” I said, gasping for air after laughing so much. “My name is Havoc, I am a draconequus minor. That means I’m a cheap version of a real draconequus, so comparing me with Discord is like comparing a normal pony with Princess Celestia. You don’t need to introduce yourselves, I already know your names.. I have been sent to... What was the name of this world again?”

“Equis,” said Twilight.

“I have been sent to Equis with a mission. I don’t know how much can I reveal without getting in trouble, so I will only say that I am Discord’s enemy.”

“Discord? He ain’t no trouble,” said Applejack. “We sent him back to Canterlot’s statue garden.”

“That’s correct, but he can still do a lot of harm from there. He has powerful followers.”

“Who would follow that evil brute?” asked Rarity.

“You would be surprised.”

“What does Discord have to do with the Crystal Empire?” asked Shining Armor.

“Nothing that I know of. My presence here is by mere chance. I have lived for some weeks among the diamond dogs, and then with dragons, I ended up here while travelling South.”

“You lived with the diamond dogs? I would expect them to either try to eat you or worship you as a god, not letting you live with them,” said Shining Armor, surprised.

“I’m a resourceful draconequus, look at this,” I replied, turning into a diamond dog. “I be Garrosh, I good diamond dog!”

Twilight did a spit take, Spike jumped from the chair and Applejack nearly choked on a toast.

“You!” they said at the same time.

“I knew you sounded familiar!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, who had remained uncharacteristically quiet.

“Yeah, the only of you I haven’t met face to face until now is Rarity.”

“Wait, when did I meet you?” asked Rainbow Dash, so I transformed into Berry Punch.

“I’m never jousting against you again,” I said, then I changed back to avoid wasting energy. “Now I’m going to try the pancak-”

I found that the dish that previously had a mountain of pancakes was now empty. I stared at Pinkie.

“It wasn’t me, I Pinkie Promise!” she said, then I stared at Cadance, who looked from side to side for a few seconds.

“I regret nothing,” she stated, making all of us laugh.

“There’s something I don’t understand,” said Twilight when we calmed down. “Why would you come to Ponyville disguised as a diamond dog instead of a pony? It doesn’t make sense!”

“I didn’t know how to turn into a pony by the time I arrived at Ponyville.”

“And why did you decide to come to Ponyville in the first place?”

“Because I wanted to meet the famous ponies who defeated Nightmare Moon and Discord. I was also planning on establishing myself there, it’s such a chaotic town... A shame I was attacked by Discord’s daughter.”

“Discord’s daughter?!”

“I think I should start from the beginning.”

And so I did. I told them an abridged version of my story, leaving out the details that could be problematic. Instead of saying that I was a human, I said that I had never had a physical body before to explain why I started without knowing how to do so many things. I also omitted the part where I was attacked by Pinkie’s parents, when I fought against Fillidelphia’s police department, and pretty much everything that was too violent or fucked up. When I was done they started asking questions.

“Are you saying that this... Screwball has been living in Ponyville since Discord’s release?” Shining Armor asked.

“Yes. As far as I know, she shares all of my powers, so she probably has interacted with some of you disguised as somepony else. Pretty much like a changeling.”

“What do you propose us to do?” asked Twilight.

“She must be dealt with as soon as possible. She becomes stronger by feeding on the chaos that happens around her, and who knows how long will it take her to become strong enough to release Discord. I think that using the Elements of Harmony against her is the best solution. She won’t appear before you by herself, so we should set an ambush with me as the bait. Her mission is killing me, so she’ll probably attack if I return to Ponyville.”

“We’ll discuss that in detail later,” Shining said. “I want to know more about this diamond dog warren. You mentioned something about them joining Equestria?”

“Yeah, I was surprised when I learned about it. They are willing to free their slaves in exchange for Equestrian protection.” Shining Armor and Cadance looked at each other for a few seconds.

“If I am not mistaken, diamond dogs and crystal ponies were allies a thousand years ago,” explained Cadance. “When Sombra took the power, he conquered Gem Fido and used them as his personal army. Their slaving methods are remnants of that time... Maybe we could make a new alliance if they abandon their evil practices.”

When we were done, Shining Armor told me to follow him to have a private conversation. The icy tone he used made me hesitant, but I decided to comply.

“You are Fillydelphia’s monster,” he stated when we were alone in a separate room.

“What?”

“Don’t play the fool, it won’t work on me. You said you went to Fillydelphia, and that you had to leave because you got in trouble. This happens the same day a creature depicted as a draconequus attacks the town, killing some and hurting many.”

“I had no choice. They tried to kill me first,” I began, and I told him the whole story. How my transformation was broken by a surprise, how I tried to escape, how the police ponies tortured me and said they would send me to Tartarus, which could either mean being sent there or being killed, and how my mind snapped and I lost control.

“The next thing I remember is having a dead pony in my arms and dozens of officers surrounding me. I didn’t know the instinctive part of my brain was strong enough to take full control of my body. I spent the next two months away from civilization, until I was sure that wouldn’t happen again.”

He took a deep breath before talking.

“You saved me from Sombra, and for that I am going to believe that you honestly acted in self-defense and you had no control over the situation. However, you are still a wanted criminal and a dangerous individual following your own hidden agenda, so I don’t want you near my sister and her friends until I can know for sure that I can trust you.”

“And how will you know that?” I asked, tired of the ‘I can’t trust you no matter what you say’ argument.

“I’ll ask Princess Celestia, that usually solves everything.”

“You could skip a step just by asking your little sister. That’s what Celestia does to solve everything nowadays. Nightmare Moon is going to return? Let Twilight handle it. A dragon is going to cover Equestria in smoke? Let Twilight handle it. Discord returns? Let Twil-” I stopped when I noticed the frown on his face. “-OK that was mean and untrue, I am sorry.”

Shining rubbed his temple with one hoof just below the horn. “Princess Celestia will use her magic to send you a letter when she makes a decision. I don’t want to know anything about you until them. Leave, please.”

“I hope you aren’t flushing me out of your life forever,” I said, and in a flash of light I was inside of a huge toilet, being flushed down. “Your wife is very funny, I would hate to neverglglglglgl.”

I surfaced in a river. I was expecting to appear near the Crystal Empire, but the place was covered in grass and trees, so I was neither in the city nor in the frozen lands that surrounded it. I flew out of the water, confused. This wasn’t what I expected. Where the fuck am I? As if on cue, Screwball appeared right in front of me. WAT.

“Welcome back to Ponyville, filthy clopper!” she exclaimed. “A little bird has told me that you revealed our existence to the element bearers! Tsk, tsk, that was a terrible idea.” She floated away when I tried to bite her head off. “Now I have no choice but to kill you right now and move to another town! You are such a bother.”

“But, what about the narrative flow?!” I asked. “You can’t just fight me right now, just after I talked to Shining Armor! I have to return by my own means to Ponyville, maybe gathering some power in the meanwhile, while the tension builds up until we finally meet again and fight.”

“Havoc, what are you doing?” Screwball asked, nervous. “Havoc, stahp, you are going to break the fourth wall and doom all of us!”

“Really?”

“Nope!” she said, then she gave my face a lick.

“When I beat you, I will make a male Rainbow Dash cum inside of you,” I replied, as I attacked her with an enormous dildo.

She blocked it with the infamous Lyra plushie with a special hole in her butt that you can stick your penis in. Said hole made a suction force that was strong enough to drag the dildo out of my hands, only for it to disappear in the dark abyss that was the sex hole. I snapped my fingers and a pair of pants appeared on the plushie, nullifying its power. Screwball’s crotchboobs grew exponentially until they were as big as her torso. The crazy pony landed, her huge tits making cracks on the ground, and she squeezed them in my general direction. A huge tsunami of warm pony milk flew towards me, and I was too confused to think of anything that could protect me from such a disgusting attack, so I teleported above it. As I feared, this gave Screwball part of my energy reserves.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, her tits back to normal size. “Aren’t you feeling creative today? Maybe you have writer’s block?”

I nose-dived towards her, trying to smash her with my dragonbone hammer, but she dodged it with ease. I screwed with physics so I could dive in the ground as if it was water. The underground was like water at night, so my field of vision was reduced to a pair of meters. I propelled myself towards Screwball, who was floating half a meter above the ground level. When I jumped out of the water just below her, I tried to sink my teeth in her tender pony flesh, but I collided against something big instead. I fell on the floor, which was solid to me again, and I saw a ten meters long sailboat in front of me. On the ship was Screwball, wearing a pink pirate costume. She started singing.

“Do what you want, ‘cause a pirate is free, YOU ARE A PIRATE!"

I could feel the chaos energy leaving my body with each word she said, so I interrupted her song by summoning a creature from the darkest pits of Hell, in the body of a dark-haired teenager.

“It's Friday, Friday! Gotta get down on Friday!" she began to sing, the awfulness of her song physically harming Screwball.

Rebecca Black stopped singing when Screwball summoned something much, much worse than her. Wait, I already used this androgynous abomination! How many times will I have to listen to that song?! Rebecca emitted a fangirl shriek and exploded in a fangasm, which covered the area in a watery fluid that I refuse to acknowledge for what it was. I decided I had heard that song enough times, so I decided to counter it before Justina managed to utter more than six words. An asiatic man dressed in a blue suit appeared where in front of me, facing the Beaver.

“Oppa Gangnam Style” he started to sing, as he circled the Queen of the Beavers while doing his dance. This continued for a few minutes, with the dark idol of tweens’ evil song losing power to the holy glory of Gangnam Style, until PSY drew a katana from nowhere and beheaded the enemy of all that is good.

As Justin Bieber’s head fell on the ground, and his body showered Psy with blood, I felt a flow of energy coming to me from Screwball. The most awesome Korean ever disappeared shortly after.

“That's one point for me, my little pony,” I gloated.

She growled and pulled a lightsaber from her mane, which she could somehow wield with her hooves. When she ignited it the blade was pink. I pulled a swordfish with my right hand and a stale baguette with my left hand from behind me.

“I have been waiting for you, Screwball,” I said. “We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you; I was but the learner; now I am the master.”

“Only a master of faggotry, Havoc.”

We clashed our weapons, my fish and bread able to withstand the lightsaber. She slashed at my legs, and when I blocked the attack with the bread she bucked me in the solar plexus. I retaliated by hitting her with a vertical attack of the swordfish, that made her hit the ground hard. I tried to stab her with the swordfish, but she had fallen face up and she managed to parry with the lightsaber. Then she pulled a crossbow from her mane and fired it against me. The bolt pierced my ent arm, but it was just a bark wound which I barely felt. I attacked with both arms, too fast for Screwball to leave the ground without being hit. At last the cartoon physics that allowed her hoof to hold the saber’s handle like a hand failed, and I could easily disarm her. I dropped the baguette, grabbed her by the throat and stabbed her with the swordfish just below the ribcage, the tip of the “sword” coming out of her body between her clavicle and her scapula.

“Now I am considering barbecuing you, I want to know how roasted pony tastes,” I said, like the psychopath I am.

She stared at me, her spiral-shaped pupils rotating at high speeds. I looked away, having learned my lesson about weird eyes after Fluttershy used ţ̴h̛͘a̢t͟͞ on me. I was expecting her to weaken due to blood loss, as there was a considerable pool of it around her, so I was surprised when I felt a strong grip on my hand. I looked back and found, to my horror, that Screwball was changing into something that was not a pony. Her hooves were slowly becoming claws, sharp teeth were growing on her mouth, as well as horns on her head and mismatched wings on her back. The swordfish exploded in a burst of popcorn, and she forced me to release her by breathing fire on me. I jumped back and spent a few seconds taking all her new features in.

She was some sort of violet draconequus. Her right leg and torso were still pony-shaped, but the rest of her body had changed. Her fore legs had become arms that were like Discord’s: an eagle/griffin/whatever left arm and a lion right arm. Her tail was a dark pink... Discord tail, with the hair on the end of it purple and white like her original tail. Her left leg was that of a purple dragon. She had two wings, a feathery one and a leathery one, and two horns, one with two separate groups of points, like a reindeer antler, and the other pointing forward like Fallout’s deathclaw horns, giving her a demonic appearance. Her face had also changed, with her teeth no longer fitting for an herbivore, her ears pointier and the color of her head and neck coat paler than the rest. She had also grown from having the standard size of mares to being between Luna and Celestia.

“Let me guess: that isn’t even your final form?” I asked.

“What do you think I am, a Final Fantasy villain? Of course this is my final form!”

“Seriously? You only have one transformation? And here I thought you would make a decent final boss,” I snorted with laughter. “Two forms...”

She snapped her eagle claw and an anvil fell on my face, sinking my head in the ground. My neck stretched like rubber as I pulled until I managed to free myself. When I looked back at Screwball’s position, she was aiming a huge machine gun at me. I disguised myself as Han Solo, and the plot armor made all of her bullets miss me. When she ran out of ammo, I turned my back to her, changed from bipedal position to being on all fours, and farted a huge rainbow beam similar to the one caused by the Elements of Harmony. I turned to see how effective the attack had been, only to find that Screwball was unhurt, covering behind a crystal pyramid that had somehow blocked my attack.

“Let’s end this,” she said, and she started to pour energy into a spell.

I guessed she was going to summon another non-chaotic creature to help her fight, so I decided to do it, too. I spent most of my energy reserves on summoning Grand Prince Sephirothas Griffingarion Serenity Truenis Raven Crimsonwing Darkshadow Daisuke Emerentius the Second, but the chaos feedback for summoning such a stupid creature allowed me to recover a good deal of the energy spent.

“Fear not, Equestria!” he exclaimed with his deep, booming, sensual, annoying voice, “for I, Grand Prince Sephirothas Griffingarion Serenity Truenis Raven Crimsonwing Darkshadow Daisuke Emerentius the Second, Black Hole for mortals, Celestia and Luna’s long lost half-brother, have returned from dark space to slay this wretched creature!”

I was expecting to hear Muse playing on the background, as always happened when Black Hole was around, but this time another song could be heard. Screwball had summoned the weirdest griffin I had ever seen. He had brown hair and white feathers like most griffins, with some red feathers around his blue eyes. One of his wings had been replaced with some sort of steampunk robotic wing, and he was carrying a huge sword that, I soon realized, had been made with a single scale of a black dragon. He also wore a polychromatic armor made with the scales of many different dragons.

“Who the fuck is that?” I asked.

“My name is Griffon the griffon,” he said, putting a pair of sunglasses on. “I am captain of a pirate flying laser ship, king of a nation founded by myself, magic-user, Equestrian lord, slayer of dragons, queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea and mother of dragons.”

“Yo, Black Hole, that guy is almost as Mary Sueish as you,” I said.

“My wings are still prettier,” the alicorn replied.

“WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY” shouted Griffon, as he charged at us.

Author's Note

I want to thank Blackwing for letting me do such a blatant parody of his character, Griffin the griffin.

Update (10-November-2013): OMG, I found there was a missing paragraph! It was still on the google doc so I pasted it on its proper place, but I am surprised no one mentioned it.

13: And I Must Scream

“WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY” shouted Captain Lord King Griffon, as he charged at us.

Black Hole jumped forward and clashed his horn against Griffon’s sword. Griffon held his sword with a hand for a moment to punch Black Hole in the face with the other, the force of the impact throwing the alicorn to the air. From there, Black Hole threw a barrage of magic beams, but Griffon covered behind his huge sword, which was wide enough to protect most of his body.

“I am the ultimate badass!” Griffon shouted. “My swag level is off the charts! I will kill you and teabag your corpse! Accelero!”

When he said that, he started moving faster than he should. It was like he was on a video and someone had just pressed fast-forward. In the blink of an eye he had flown the distance between Black Hole and him, and was slashing at him. Black Hole created a protective field around him, as he had no way to block Griffon’s lightning-fast attacks. He can do magic like Drogur?

“Lacero!” shouted Griffon, and his sword sliced Black Hole’s barrier with ease. Black Hole roared as he pushed Griffon away with his gravitational magic before the accelerated griffon could harm him.

I felt the hair on my back stand on end and I jumped to a side, just in time to dodge a huge lightning. I looked up and found Screwball riding a cloud and holding lightning-like spears in both claws, like Zeus in Disney’s Hercules. I used One Piece’s main character’s powers, which turned my body into rubber. That made me immune to the lightning attacks, and I could stretch my arms so much I could punch Screwball from twenty meters away. I flew towards her while she was busy dodging my punches, but I had to retract them when Griffon tried to cut them off. I became ‘normal’ again and pulled my dragonbone hammer from my back. Griffon flew towards me and we clashed our weapons. He was still faster than he should, so I increased my speed to match his own with magic. Black Hole kept Screwball busy while I tried to kill Griffon.

“What are you, Discord’s fat cousin?” he asked, talking as fast as he moved.

“I AM NOT FAT” I shouted back, marking each word with a swing of my weapon.

He was rather good, and soon I found myself struggling to block his attacks. He can’t be better than Emerald Sword, though. I made five swords appear out of thin air and attack him from all sides. As I thought, he didn’t manage to avoid all of them, but the armor was too strong to be pierced by the weapons I used.

“You can’t pierce my leet armor! You need to be at least this awesome to do that,” he taunted raising his left arm at his eye level to show the amount of awesome required.

“Just you wait, I’m going to turn you into Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

I tried to hit him in the head with a horizontal blow from my hammer, but he stopped flapping his wings and my weapon passed over his head. I moved away just in time to avoid having both legs cut by his next attack, his blade passing so close I felt it graze my cheetah leg. I flew away from him and looked for Screwball and Black Hole. I found them exchanging energy attacks below me. This alifaggot sure is helpful. It’s a shame that I could only summon him because Screwball did it and doing so was chaotically unexpected. Griffon started to sing something about a sword, but I was too focused on avoiding his attacks and I don’t remember it.

“Enough with the singing!” I shouted, frustrated because a griffon was beating me. I pulled a shotgun from my back and fired it.

A barrage of spiders of all species and sizes came out of the shotgun’s barrel, all of them landing on Griffon.

“NONONONONONO! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!“ he screamed. “IGNIS!” A burst of fire surrounded him, setting him ablaze. “EXTINGUO!” the fire died off, revealing a spider-free, but charred griffon.

“You are so dead,” he hissed. “No one messes with my fear of spiders.”

I shrugged and shot him with the shotgun again, but this time it fired pinecones instead of spiders.

“Wat,” we both said, as the pinecones bounced off of Griffon’s armor.

“I was expecting something 20% cooler to come out of it,” I said.

“20% cooler?” Griffon asked, then he grinned. “Hold on a second... Do you like mmmmmmm... bananas?”

No fucking way, Screwball summoned a brony?!

“Yes, but we ain’t finding any bananas-” I said.

“ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAA, BEEEYAAATCH!” we shouted in unison.

“SHIT!” Screwball cursed when she heard us.

“Why would a brony like you become evil, forcing me to kill you?” he asked.

“Evil, moi? Do you even know how you came here?”

“Of course I do! I was on my ship, planning how to-” he stopped, as his eyes widened in realization. “Dafuq is this?”

“Dude, there are two possibilities: either you were teleported here by Screwball and mind wiped to attack me, or you are just a fake Griffon made with magic, just like that alicorn down there.”

He stared at Screwball, then at me, then back at Screwball, then he just stood still. Not still as in too shocked to move, but still as in frozen in time. Heck, his wings weren’t moving but he wasn’t falling either. Screwball appeared on his back, frowning.

“You broke him!” she angrily snapped. “That’s not funny! I can’t do the same to Black Hole, he is just too stupid and self-centered to realize he isn’t real! Now I have to fix him!”

I tried to stop her, but she created a protective shield around them. She opened Griffon’s cranium as if it was a box, then she hit his brain with a wrench a few times as I tried to break the shield by hitting it with the hammer. She closed Griffon’s head and dispelled the protective field as soon as she finished with the wrench.

“WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” said Griffon, charging again as Screwball turned to face Black Hole, who had just arrived. I blocked his sword with my bear hands.

No, really, I turned my hands into bear heads and held the sword by biting it with both. Griffon tried to release his weapon, but I was stronger.

“Fortis!” he shouted, and I stopped being stronger than him.

He freed his sword from my grip with a strong pull and, using the momentum, did a 360 degrees slash aimed at my torso. My hands back to their original form, I blocked the lethally sharp dragonscale blade with my bone hammer, but the impact made me fly into the distance. If I survive this, Drogur will be so happy when I tell him all these new magic words! I recovered mid-air and charged at him with the hammer held above my head. He lazily moved back to dodge my attack, but as soon as my arms were below my head I breathed fire from point blank range on him. His sword protected him from part of my attack, but the feathers of his only real wing caught on fire.

“Exingmmmph!” I made a zipper close his lips before he could finish the magic word. Well, he was a griffon, so he had a beak instead of lips. However, the cartoon physics of this world allowed said beak to make expressions that were otherwise impossible... Let’s focus on what happened, those details aren’t that important.

Griffon flew to the ground as fast as he could, so he could roll on the floor to put out the fire. I attacked him with laser beams from my eyes while he was too busy to fight back, but his armor protected him from that kind of attack. Even then, I still managed to hit him in an unprotected section of his right leg. And now... For the biggest troll move ever. I charged magic and, when Griffon touched the ground, I turned it into gasoline with a snap of my fingers.

“EXPLOSIOOOOOOOON!” I shouted, but my voice was deafened by the actual explosion.

I saw Screwball teleport over the field of fire and put it out with a huge extinguisher she pulled out of nowhere. I was surprised to find that Griffon had survived, even if he was severely injured. The griffin... I think both terms are correct, right? You can say either griffin, griffon or gryphon and there’s no difference... Right? Well, whatever. The griffin took a small vial from one of the pockets from his belt with a trembling hand and drank its liquid content. That can’t be good. I tried to kill him before whatever he was drinking had an effect on him, but Screwball teleported on my back and started biting me.

“AH! Stop! Why won’t you-AAAH!” I tried to grab her, but she kept on dodging and moving out of reach while she hurted me with her teeth and claws. I teleported away, but I carried her with me so it was useless. Then I changed into a snake, the sudden size change making her fall before she started flapping her wings. I fell for a few meters before changing back to my draconequus form. After that, I flew towards Screwball, wielding the Master Sword itself with my left hand, and a Hylian shield with my right. She parried my vertical slash with a two-handed runeblade. I recognized it, it was Frostmourne, the cursed weapon of the Lich King. I hope this one can’t steal souls like the ‘real’ one. Thanks to the chaos gimmicks, I was able to fight like a master swordsman even though I had never practiced with a weapon when I was a human. Unfortunately, this also applied to Screwball. We fought with ferocity, both with our swords and with magic spells. My shield was destroyed by a particularly strong attack from Screwball after I made her propeller hat fall from her head with an horizontal slash aimed at her head, so I pulled my hammer from its hammerspace. Using the hammer with only one hand was slow and cumbersome, so I dropped the Master Sword after Screwball almost managed to stab me twice because I couldn’t move the hammer fast enough. We fought for a whole minute without interruptions, using both conventional attacks and chaos, until I felt a very powerful magic. We both stopped fighting and turned to face the source of the magical energy. I saw Griffon and Black Hole, both screaming in terrible pain and covered in black fire. The magical fire grew stronger with every passing second. They collapsed roughly at the same time, and when the fire disappeared, nothing remained of the two of them.

“What did just happen?” I asked.

“Tartarus fire,” Screwball said. “It burns magic.”

“Wow. That is some dangerous stuff. How come a griffin could use such a spell?”

“Latin magic can do pretty much everything if you say the right words and have enough magic. What Griffon didn’t know is that he was made of magic, so he started burning as soon as he said the word.”

“So that’s the secret! Only Latin words have power!” I exclaimed. At last I discover how the fuck it works! “Wait, I tried doing Latin magic once and nothing happened.”

“Oh, great, I just told you how Latin magic works. Can we just keep trying to kill each other before I mess up again?” she said, and I turned to face her, as I had been staring at the scorched land where Black Hole and Griffon had died the whole time.

“Isn’t there any other way to solve this? Like, a game or something like that. I’m tired of fighting.”

“Hm...” she stroke her chin while thinking. “Nope.”

I grabbed her with both arms and flew towards the ground, smashing her against it. I summoned a jackhammer and used it on her, but she turned its bit into a spring and it jumped out of my hands. I watched it jump away for a few seconds, and that allowed Screwball to punch me in the stomach and jump away. I need to focus and stop paying attention to such distractions! I took a watermelon from nowhere and ate it whole, then I spat the seeds at Screwball. The seeds came out of my mouth like bullets, but Screwball did a Matrix-like sideways jump and dodged them. She pulled a golden gun from her mane and fired it before touching the ground, but I managed to stop them with Magneto’s mutant powers. She flew to have both hands free and lightning came from her fingertips.

“Again with the lightning?” I managed to ask as I placed a lightning rod in front of me before the pain caused by the attack was too big. Because, you know, lightning travels too fast for me to do anything before it touches me.

My energy reserves had been shrinking since the start of the fight, so I was about to be out of mana. That is why I decided to use them up in a last attempt at defeating Screwball once and for all. I shouted as I focused the remaining energies, like a Dragon Ball character, and I reached reaching the legendary level of super spaghetti 3.

This powerful form was a blatant insult to all the brony fandom. I had become a fat human, with a neckbeard, acne and a long mane made of spaghetti with meatballs. I could smell the stench of doritos and sweat coming out of my body in waves of autistic power, as well as feel the spaghetti coming out of the pockets of my dirty sweatpants. I was wearing a black T-shirt with a crude depiction of Rainbow Dash and the phrase ‘20% cooler’ on it. I was invincible.

“I want to cum inside Rainbow Dash,” I stated.

I teleported behind Screwball and grabbed her by the tail. The contact of my fingers, stained with Doritos nacho cheese, sank into her flesh as if she were made of marshmallows. I grabbed her neck with my right hand while holding her tail with the left one, my mouth salivating with anticipation.

“Get away from me you creepy bastard!” she shouted, and her resistance only made the bulge in my pants grow harder.

“Brushie brushie,” I said, making her shiver with fear and revulsion. “My Twilight Tulpa said a pony needs to have her mane brushed everyday.”

I was about to start brushing her mane while dry-humping her, but then she turned her head 180 degrees, like the girl from The Exorcist, and puked on me.

“You won’t have this candy-vag,” she said with a deep male voice.

I released her, and I prepared myself for a last attack before my transformation ended. I turned the grass around Screwball into vines that trapped her. After that I raised both arms and moved them as I said the magic words for a powerful spell.

“Heed me thou who is darker than dusk
In the name of that which has been buried in the bottomless abyss
Infuse me with power
Let your strength become mine
To wipe them from the face of this earth
To deliver them onto the ultimate doom!
DRAGON SLAVE!”

A great red beam of energy came out of my filthy hands, hitting my still tangled opponent as I became a draconequus again. The magic beam created a cloud of smoke that didn’t let me see Screwball, but I could hear her voice after a few moments, saying the words for another spell.

"Seeping crest of turbidity. Arrogant vessel of lunacy! Boil forth and deny! Grow numb and flicker! Disrupt sleep! Crawling queen of iron! Eternally self-destructing doll of mud! Unite! Repulse! Fill with soil and know your own powerlessness! HADO NUMBER 90: KUROHITSUGI!"

An unfathomable darkness surrounded me, so powerful and terrible I couldn’t even think of a way to counter it. I tried to escape, but the black walls that surrounded me from all sides, sinking me in pure darkness, were impervious to all my attacks. Shortly after the walls finished closing I felt the pain of being stabbed by a thousand spears made of something so evil and horrendous that I felt my very soul being harmed. It lasted for only a second, but by the time it was over I was lying on the floor, bleeding from all my body and struggling to keep myself alive. I watched as Screwball limped towards me. Her right arm was severely damaged, and her body was covered in burn marks.

“Damn it...” she muttered when she reached me. “I don't know where you took that last attack from. You should feel proud of yourself, now I haven’t got enough energy to finish you off,” she stopped talking for ten seconds to regain her breath. “But I still have enough to do something. Daddy doesn’t turn ponies into stone, but I am not daddy and you are not a pony, right?”

She grabbed her own neck with her eagle claw and she pulled her own face off, as if it was a mask, only to reveal a cockatrice face below. As soon as I stared into her brilliant red eyes, I felt a numbing coldness spread from my limbs. The coldness moved towards my head, making me unable to feel anything behind it. No! I have to do something! I can’t let her turn me into stone! I don’t want to end like Angel Bunny in Fallout: Equestria! NOOOOOOOO!

I had no mouth, but I had to scream. I could vaguely see through my petrified eyes, so I watched as she tried to carry me and failed miserably. She surrendered after a few minutes and left me alone, unable to do anything but stare into the dirt (and she had left me facing the ground). Hours passed until Screwball returned, fully healed and in her pony form, and grabbed my by the head. She somehow rose me from the ground and carried me to a small lake. She dropped me into it, and she covered me with the dirt of the bottom to hide me from everypony else. This also had the side effect of blocking my sight, which was the only sense I still had while being a statue.

And that’s how I met your mother. I mean... And that’s how I ended up here, my body turned into stone and my conscience drifting in an endless expanse of nothingness. Keeping track of time is hard, and for all I know I may have spent here a day or a century. I spent some time trying to break free, but nothing worked. Then I started to talk to myself, until I remembered how I had forgotten most of my human life so I began to do this autobiography thing to keep myself busy. I had to stop a few times in the middle of it to unleash some chaos in my mind, turning the nothingness into darkness (which is something completely different) or into Deadlights that turn into spiders and clowns. Now I guess I’ll try to make a copy of myself so I can talk to someone who can actually talk back.

…
...
…

A͡l̢͟rí͟g̨h́͝t,̴ ̷̵t͞h̕at҉ ̶̨́is̸̷͜ ͏my͞ ́s̶̀i͡g̨̢͢n̛a̕l͘͠ to̷ ̴i͘ņ̷̸t҉érv̡̨e҉̧n̸̕e͘͘.̀

Hello, bronies. It’s me, D͚͓͍̋̑͗ͦ̏̄̃͜͡͝ͅi̻̰̲̱͕͉̮̱̙͚̟̝ͮ͗ͪͤͫ̅̒̉̂̊̎̊́̚̚s̴̷̡͓̺̖̱͕̫̈́ͧ̈͂̐̓ͨ͢h̴̛͓͚̝̝̗̹̠͙͔̻͓͑͋ͪͬͪͧ̍̑̾̚͡a̶̵̖̠̗̪̪ͩ̀͋́͢͡r̷̀̔͌̉̀͌͆ͭͯͧ̋ͤ̈͊͊ͤͯ͞͏̴̳͖̤̞̖̬̖̥͎̖̫̭͈̠͠m̍̄ͨͭ̄̿ͣͯ̂̿͆̇̔͛͠͏̸̰͉͖̘̬̩͕̲͕̹͕͇̙̬̱̳͉ǫ̤̗̼̖͚̯̝̖̞͉̰̝͈̭̙̮ͩͧ̏ͫ̆̚̕͟͜ņ̫̥̰̩̘̻͙̝̪͇̫̘̻̌̌̌̅̎ͩ̊͛̾̆ͮ̑̏ͬͣ̓̚͡ͅy̽͗ͦ̃̋͌̋͂̂̈́̄ͦͨͨ̍ͬ͒͟͞͏̛͚̞̼̞̩̥͡, here to save this story from becoming the most boring piece of shit ever. From now on, I will be the narrator, so we are changing to third-person narrative. As you may have guessed, that means that Havoc manages to break free from the stone prison.

Author's Note

Yep

INTERMISSION 1

Cloudy Sunset was not a happy pony. She was a pegasus mare with a light yellow coat and a red curly mane. She had been born and raised in Trottingham, and she had wanted to become a Wonderbolt since before she got her cutie mark: a grey cloud covering a red sun. Cloudy had been an outstanding student, so she had earned a scholarship to study in Cloudsdale’s flight school. She finished flight school with the best grades of her promotion the same year that Rainbow Dash began her first year. This had earned her an invitation to attend the Wonderbolt Academy. This made her very happy, as she hoped that her performance in the Academy would result in her joining the Wonderbolts. Her hopes were crushed by the accident with the Dizzitron. The machine had malfunctioned when it was spinning her, releasing her head-first against the ground. The impact resulted in a skull fracture, and the medical staff from the Academy said that it was a miracle that she survived when they managed to stabilize her after several hours in critical condition. She had been comatose for nearly a week, and she needed a month before she recovered all her faculties, save for her keen vision. The doctors said that the impact had permanently damaged her eyes beyond what magic and science could repair, forcing her to wear eyeglasses for the rest of her life. As one of the requisites for joining the Wonderbolts was having perfect vision, she left the Academy and joined the Equestrian Guard, where she was allowed to fly with contact lenses under her flying goggles. The Equestrian Guards, unlike the Royal Guards, are a reserve force of citizens who have their own jobs and lives, but are always available to serve Equestria if they are needed. Cloudy Sunset returned to Trottingham, where she got a job in the city’s weather patrol and spent the next years fighting against clouds, monotony and a depression.

When she learned that she had been assigned to the Crystal Empire, she thought her work would be patrolling the skies of the city until they could raise a proper police force. The crystal ponies had neither wings nor horns, like earth ponies, so it made sense that Shining Armor would need some pegasi from the Equestrian military. She hoped that spending a few months in a city that had disappeared from the world for a millenium would be what she needed to feel happiness again. Due to this, she was surprised when Shining Armor sent all the pegasi he requested away from the city to explore Gem Fido, find a particular diamond dog settlement known as ‘Granite Back’ and give a letter to the leader, ‘Drogur the Arcane’. The task was supposedly easy, as the settlement had been built under a black granite mountain which, according to Shining Armor, stood out among the rest. The problem was that Shining didn’t know its exact location so they had to explore a huge section of Gem Fido that had many, many mountains.

And so, the pegasi flew over Gem Fido in groups of two, trying to find a black mountain. It was a dangerous job, as diamond dogs had nets that could catch a pegasus who flew too low and the occasional dragon could gobble up those who flew too high, with narrow chances of success. Cloudy’s wingpony, Silverwing, was a stallion younger than her. They had clashed since the moment Silverwing was given the wingpony’s position, as he considered himself better than ‘a half-blind old mare’ and she didn’t have the patience to deal with his arrogance. Due to all of it, Cloudy Sunset flew in silence, trying not to think about how much she hated her life.

Fate deemed that Cloudy Sunset would be the pony to find Granite Back.

“Silverwing! Can you see that?” she asked, pointing at the dark spot in the distance that could be seen now that the clouds had moved away. The stallion squinted and, after a few seconds, nodded.

“Yes, it could be our mountain!” he replied.

The closer they were to the mountain, the more certain they were that they had found Granite Back. The black mountain stood out among the green of the trees and grass and the brown of the dirt. The pegasi soon noticed two diamond dogs guarding an entrance to the mountain.

“Alright, I’m going to deliver the message,” said Cloudy. “You know the procedure. If I don’t come out in the next two hours, you will return and report what happened.”

“See you later, Cloudy,” Silverwing replied with as much confidence as he could muster.

The two diamond dog guards pointed their spears at Cloudy when the mare landed a few meters away from them.

“Halt!” ordered the one on the left. “Name and business!”

“My name is Cloudy Sunset, what is the name of this place?”

“This Granite Back. Why pony here?”

“I carry a message for your leader, Drogur the Arcane.”

“Follow me,” said the guard on the right, as he went into the mountain. She didn’t see the other guard blowing a whistle that ponies couldn’t hear when she crossed the entrance.

Cloudy felt uneasy and a bit scared as she followed the diamond dog. He was leading her through a labyrinth of corridors dug in the rock which were too small for her to fly. She would be unable to escape if things went awry, which was a possibility when dealing with a primitive race like diamond dogs.

‘At least I’m not claustrophobic’, she thought, trying to be optimistic for once.

Cloudy was surprised when she was led to the main cave, as she didn’t expect diamond dogs to be advanced enough to have buildings and private houses. She had always thought they were more similar, both in intelligence and lifestyle, to bears than to civilized species such as ponies. She noticed that the walls of the cave had many doors, and that the buildings were clearly divided in two districts: one with tents and the other with stone buildings. Most of the buildings were empty at the moment. The diamond dog stopped in front of a door that stood out because it was the only one with a guard protecting the entrance.

“Pony brings message for Alpha,” said one guard to the other, who nodded and opened the door.

“You meet Alpha now,” he said, motioning for Cloudy to go inside.

The Alpha, much like the warren itself, wasn’t like Cloudy expected at all. She found herself in a room with the biggest diamond dog she had ever seen sitting behind a desk and wearing a black suit, with a black shirt and a white tie.

“Welcome to Granite Back,” the diamond dog said. “Please take a seat.”

‘This is very weird’, Cloudy thought, raising an eyebrow, but she did as she was told.

“I am Drogur the Arcane, Alpha of Granite Back. What’s your name?”

“Cloudy Sunset.”

“Well, Cloudy. What brings you to my humble abode? I guess tourism isn’t the reason.”

“I am here to deliver you a message from Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance,” she explained as she took the sealed letter from the small saddlebag she carried.

Only when she gave it to Drogur did she realize that he might be illiterate. Luckily for her, he wasn’t. The diamond dog cleared his throat and read it aloud.

“Dear Lord Drogur,
A common acquaintance has told us about your desire for an alliance with Equestria. I can only think of one idiot I know that could end up talking with pony royalty. The Crystal Empire, as a principality of Equestria, is willing to negotiate the terms of said alliance with Granite Back. Oh, so that’s the name of the city that appeared in the middle of the Frozen Lands for no reason.
Our new subjects, the crystal ponies, have revealed us that they used to work together with diamond dogs before Sombra the Merciless rose to power, one thousand years ago. Hm... That’s interesting... This leads us to believe that cooperation between our nations will result in benefits for both.
However, for this cooperation to exist we have some requisites that are not negotiable. A bold one, this prince of yours. First: slavery is not allowed in Equestria, and we expect all the ponies who live in Granite Back to have the same rights and freedom as diamond dogs. Second: carnivore practices must be limited to non-intelligent species, eating ponies is illegal, no matter the circumstances. What is he expecting, that we’ll start digging up graves to have ponies for dinner? That’s... Hm... I’ll have to teach my dogs to stay out of cemeteries.
We believe that what we are asking is logical and right. We await your response.
Respectfully,
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor”, Drogur carefully folded the letter and put it inside a drawer of his desk. “I take it that you didn’t know the content of this letter,” he said, when he noticed Cloudy’s surprised face.

“Uh... No, I am only a messenger,” she explained.

“Well, messenger,” Drogur began as he rose from his armchair. “I’m sure you and your wingponies must be tired after flying all the way from the Crystal Empire. I will need some time to write your leaders a proper answer, so I think it is only right that I offer you a place to recover and something to eat before you leave.”

‘He wants to capture me and Silverwing! I have to find a way to escape!’, she thought as she opened her mouth to reply. “I... I have orders to return and report as soon as I give you the message. I’m afraid I can’t stay.”

“Is that so? Hm... Then you’ll take my ambassador with you.”

“Huh?”

“I’m sure you ponies are used to the reliability of mail, but having messengers flying over Gem Fido is dangerous. I don’t want our confidential messages being burned or eaten by dragons or, even worse, in the paws of other Alpha. You will accompany my ambassador and protect her from any harm. I’m sure there’s enough of you to defend yourself from a scouting pack of dogs.”

“... We’re only two...” Cloudy said, and Drogur facepalmed.

“OK, I give up. You and the other pony go back and tell your leaders that an ambassador will arrive at the Empire to discuss the details of our alliance. Be careful on the way back, you will fly over Azklur’s territory and his dogs are very good at catching pegasi and griffins. Dragons are rare in these lands, so fly high. Now, unless you really came for the touristic tour, I’ll take you to the exit.”

On the way back, Cloudy couldn’t help but wonder why did the cave look so empty.

“Where is everypony?” she asked.

“They are working. Gems don’t dig themselves up.” Drogur replied, without bothering to elaborate.

"Where are you from, miss Sunset?" he asked a few minutes later, as he led her through the labyrinth.

By the time they reached the outside, Drogur knew about Trottingham as much as anypony and more about Cloudy than some of her colleagues. When she took off to join Silverwing she couldn't help but wonder how had he managed to make her talk so much about herself. 'Maybe he calls himself the Arcane for a reason.'

“How did it go?” asked Silverwing when he joined her.

“They will send an ambassador. We have to return now.”

“So... Did you learn what we came here for?”

“Yes, the Alpha read the message aloud in front of me, it-”

“They can read?” he asked, interrupting her.

“Yes, at least the Alpha can. The message says that...” Cloudy told Silverwing about her meeting with Drogur as they flew back to the Crystal Empire.

"I can't believe that Shining Armor is considering an alliance with those monsters," said Silverwing when Cloudy was done talking. "He's gone nuts!"

"I don't know. I always thought diamond dogs were just a bit smarter than animals, but their leader was as intelligent as anypony."

"Dragons are intelligent, too. That doesn't mean they aren't monsters.”

"That’s true, but I trust Prince Shining Armor. He wouldn't side with evil creatures."

"I wouldn’t be so sure about that... You know what they say about him and changelings..." Silverwing sneered.

"I don't, and whatever 'they' say I don't want to hear it."

Silverwing snorted and they continued flying in silence.

A few hours later, both ponies were startled by a sudden "fwoop" noise. A large net skyrocketed from the ground, trapping both of them before they could dodge it. Fortunately for them, the military training they both undertook when they joined the Equestrian Guard had taught them what to do in such a situation. They hugged each other and opened their wings to their full span, which was easy due to how large the net was. This slowed their fall enough to land without being harmed. Three diamond dogs were already aiming at them with their spears when they touched the ground.

“Ponies now slaves of Sapphire Pit,” the biggest one said.

“You caught the wrong ponies, dog,” Silverwing replied, as he and Cloudy Sunset ripped to pieces the net with their wings.

The razorwing technique is something quite impressive. Pegasi using the razorwing channel the innate magic that allows them to fly into the tips of their feathers, momentarily turning them into razor-sharp blades. With enough training and talent, a pegasus can cut through steel and even dragonscales. However, it is a dangerous technique, as a pegasus may deplete his magic after a prolonged use of the razorwing. This often means the pegasus will find himself with a broken wing after he tries to cut something, or have the wing cut off when trying to parry a blow from a sword or another wing. A pegasus that has emptied his magic reserves will also need a few hours of rest before being able to fly again, which can also be a death sentence in certain situations. The razorwing of pegasi from elite groups such as the Royal Guard is strong enough to match steel, while the razorwing of the Equestrian Guard can cut through flesh, wood and bone, but is ineffective against most metals.

The diamond dog scouts, armed with spears and wearing just leather jackets at most, had no chance against the two ponies. Silverwing jumped towards the nearest dog and, with a swift slash of his wing, separated the dog’s head from its body. At the same time, Cloudy sliced another dog’s right arm off as he raised it in order to hit her in the head. The remaining dog tried to escape, but he didn’t run far, as the pegasi soon caught him and, doing a maneuver that they both had practiced uncountable times in the battle drill, cut his arms off at the same time.

The two ponies landed, breathing heavily. It was the first time any of them had killed. The two pegasi flew in silence, too shocked by what they had done to do anything but fly. Later, Cloudy would have trouble remembering what happened between the moment she and Silverwing were caught by the net, and when they arrived at the Crystal Empire. The sun had set by the time they crossed the Frozen Lands and reached the Crystal Empire. The ponies who received them quickly noticed that both ponies had blood stains all over their bodies and were clearly confused, so they were sent to the barracks to sleep right after Cloudy gave them the Alpha’s message.

Author's Note

So... yeah. Havoc has intermissions now. If Andrew Hussie can make them, then so can I. (I will probably die due to a brain explosion if I ever try to match Homestuck's complexity, but I think I can handle this).

I will try to avoid going crazy with them, maybe one every 2-5 chapters. The story's name is still Havoc, so it must have Havoc in it, right?

Tell me what you think about them. If they are utter trash I will dispose of them, and if you love them I will make more.

I was going to upload this on Monday, but it was April's Fools so I decided to wait so you people wouldn't think "ermahgerd, weeeman has made a serious chapter, it must be a joke!"

14: FUN

Havoc was bored. He had spent about two weeks of subjective time trapped in the stone, with nothing but his own imagination to keep himself entertained. However, with all things considered, he had been very lucky. Screwball should have killed him, but the fight had taken a heavy toll on her and she only had enough power to petrify him. She had been forced to leave Ponyville before recovering enough energy to finish her job when the Elements of Harmony returned from Canterlot, as they posed a great threat now that they were aware of her existence. The petrifying stare of a cockatrice, while being so powerful that only the strongest harmonic magic could heal it, was also very vulnerable to chaos magic, unlike the power of the Elements of Harmony. This means that the small amount of chaotic energy that remained inside of Havoc would have overwhelmed the spell by itself in less than a decade. It also means that an external source of chaotic energy would allow him to break free with little effort.

This chaos was provided a month after he was turned to stone by a pink mare who wanted to be with all her friends instead of choosing one. This mare was Pinkamena Diane Pie, the Element of Laughter. Pinkie Pie is a very special pony, who can do things that defy the rules of her universe. This, by itself, isn’t such a big thing, as a draconequus or anyone blessed by a draconequus can do this. What is really shocking is that her abilities are innate and compatible with being the embodiment of an Element of Harmony. It’s Pinkie Pie, there’s no other explanation. Let’s go back to the story.

The day of his release, Havoc felt something from the outside for the first time in weeks: a small burst of chaos energy that was quickly taken by his body. What the heck is going on? If only I could see what’s happening.

A few seconds before, two ponies were talking next to the lake.

“Duplicates of you, huh? Heh, Yeah, sure, Pinkie,” said Rainbow Dash, the embodiment of the Element of Loyalty, pausing to yawn. ”Look, I was just gearing up to catch some Zs, so, uh...”

“Gotcha. I'll have the rest of my fun really quietly,” replied Pinkie Pie.

The pink mare jumped way higher than a pony of her size and strength should be able to jump and, just before diving into the lake, she slowed the speed of her fall to avoid making a splashing noise.

“Wheeeee...” she whispered as she fell.

“How'd you do that?” asked Rainbow Dash, her confusion feeding Havoc with chaos energy and alerting him.

A few minutes passed with nothing chaotic happening, making Havoc wonder if that small amount of chaos would be all he would receive. Then, he felt a huge amount of chaos energy being released above him, which he took for himself as fast as he could.

“No more Pinkies! I can't take it!” Rainbow Dash shouted, using her deck chair as cover and an umbrella as a makeshift weapon against the horde of Pinkie Pies that crowded the place.

None of them was swimming underwater, so they didn’t hear the noise of stone cracking at the bottom of the lake. It started as a single crack on Havoc’s chest, which was followed by many more small fractures all over his petrified body.

Yes! Yes! At last I will stop being stoned!

Over the next minutes, the cracks grew in number and depth as Havoc struggled against the petrification spell. He almost killed himself twice be freeing his organs in the wrong order, such as releasing his head without having a heart to pump blood into it or lungs to avoid drowning. Moreover, even if he had freed his lungs first he was still underwater so he would have drowned anyways. Fortunately, he could replace his basic needs with magic, so he didn’t die due to a silly mistake. He released his head, arms and legs first and, with his torso still made of stone which make swimming impossible, he climbed the lake bed. When he reached the shore, two hours had passed since the Pinkies arrived and nopony remained in the area. He wasted another half an hour until not a single trace of petrification remained.

“At last!” he exclaimed as he stretched his stiff body. “A few more days and I would have gone crazy. Well, crazier.”

Havoc began doing a silly dance to check that he was fine, but soon he fell face-first to the ground, as a 500 kgs draconequus isn’t the best dancer there is.

“Note to self: I am an awful dancer,” he said as he got up.

He suddenly realized that he could be in danger, as he knew neither where was Screwball nor what caused the chaos that allowed him to escape. Therefore, he stopped wasting time and tried to find the source of the chaos. It took him some time, as he had barely used his ability to find chaos energy before, but he managed to pinpoint it. He quickly changed to his owl body and flew towards the chaos.

He soon found himself flying over the outskirts of Ponyville, his goal apparently being near the center of the town. Then he found it.

‘What the fuck?! Are those changelings?!’ he thought when he saw not one, but nearly fifty Pinkie Pies, running and laughing. A few seconds later he noticed that Applejack, Big Macintosh, Applebloom and Winona were herding them like cattle. No, if they were changelings they would be attacking, not laughing and shouting “FUN”. But then, where did all those Pinkie Pies come from?

He quickly flew to a window when the Apple family guided the Pinkies to the Town Hall, so he could take a look inside.

Twilight Sparkle was talking to the Pinkie Pies. “Don't worry, it's a simple test, about as simple as they come, and whoever passes gets to stay.”

The Pinkies nodded in agreement.

“Curtain, please,” said Twilight, and Spike rose it. “The test will be watching paint dry!”

This reveal caused most of the Pinkies to gasp in shock.

“On your mark, get set, go!” said Twilight, and the Pinkies stared at the wall without even blinking.

“Ooh, this is so exciting!” exclaimed Spike, with a bag of popcorn in his claws.

“Okay, maybe not that exciting,” he added several minutes later, when not a single Pinkie had failed yet.

“Oh, hey, look, it's a birdie!” exclaimed one of the Pinkies, when a red bird landed on a tree that could be seen outside the window.

Twilight immediately charged a spell and blasted said Pinkie, who was inflated like a balloon, only to pop and become a wisp of pink magic that quickly left the room.

‘What’s that?’ thought Havoc, and he quickly flew after the wisp.

The wisp was faster than him, but a few more wisps were travelling on the same course, so he had no trouble following them. He soon followed them into a cave in the Everfree Forest, where the pink wisps were vanishing inside a pool of calm water.

‘I don’t understand,’ he thought, but then he felt something that made his blood run cold. Whenever a pink wisp entered the lake, he stopped feeling the chaos energy that came out of it, which was identical to the one that came from Pinkie Pie all the times he had met her. He jumped to the conclusion that the only meaning of this sudden vanishing of the ‘Pinkie magic’ was that the Pinkie Pies were being killed by the lake somehow. Panicking, he tried to stop the wisps from going into the lake, but he soon found that countering the spell that had been cast on them was beyond his power. He decided that, if he couldn’t save them after Twilight used her magic on them, he would have to stop the purple unicorn as soon as possible. Even if that meant opposing Shining Armor and the Elements of Harmony themselves.

He followed the path of chaos energy created by the Pinkie wisps as fast as he could without teleporting, as he didn’t dare to do it again since Screwball managed to make him appear in front of her in order to attack him. He flew with his draconequus body, using his own magic to increase his speed. He didn’t bother to change to a less remarkable body when he entered Ponyville, but luckily for him all the ponies were hiding until the Pinkie Pie clones were dealt with, so he wasn’t spotted. He felt a twinge of panic when the wisps stopped, thinking that he was too late. When he returned to the window, there were only two Pinkie Pies in the room.

I have to save them! How do I do it?! Should I just barge in and stop Twilight? But what if the Pinkies are evil clones or changelings and I end up doing something bad? This seemed simple when I was on the way here, now I can’t think of-

“Ugh, I can't take it anymore!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “Somepony's making balloon animals!”

“What? Where?” asked one of the Pinkies, and Twilight quickly used her magic on her.

‘SHIT!’ Havoc snapped his ent fingers, teleporting the Pinkie to his arms and making the other ponies see her become a wisp of magic like the others. The Pinkie inhaled deeply, so he replaced her lips with a zipper which closed itself before she could scream.

The draconequus look through the window again, and he noticed that the rest of the ponies were now talking to the remaining Pinkie Pie.

“Pinkie, you can look away now,” said Twilight, smiling.

“I passed?”

“You passed. You're the only Pinkie who kept staring at the wall.”

“I had to, I just had to. I couldn't leave my friends, I just couldn't. But I guess sometimes I will have to choose between them.”

“I knew you'd be up to the challenge.”

“I'm me! I'm me! I'm ME!! Or am I? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I am.”

Havoc left with his own Pinkie before anypony noticed him. He materialized a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle and used it to travel through the trail of chaos energy left by the previous Pinkies, which became solid as a zip-line for him. This allowed him to travel to the Mirror Pool even faster than before, at the cost of consuming the trail of energy. When they were in the cave, he released the Pinkie and as soon as he did so, she hugged him and started to cry.

“Hey, why are you crying?” he asked, a hint of concern in his voice.

“I was so scared,” she managed to say when her crying . “I tried so hard to win. I had to, or they wouldn’t let me stay and they would do to me the same they did to the others. I didn’t know where they went, but I knew it was bad. And then Rainbow Dash shouted and I stopped watching the paint and - Who are you?”

‘Yeah, you are totally not the real Pinkie Pie,’ he thought before answering. “I am Havoc, who are you?”

“I am Pin... I am... I... I don’t know!” she said, and she started to cry again. “I have all these memories in my head of things I haven’t done, but they are too many and I can’t make sense of them!”

“Calm down! Please, calm down so I can help you. I need to know some things, can you answer a few questions?”

The Pinkie Pie sniffed a bit, trying not to cry. “I-I guess so...”

“First, do you know what this water pool is?” he asked, pointing at it.

“I... Yes! It’s the Mirror Pool. I came here with the other Pinkie Pie because two Pinkies weren’t enough to have fun with everypony. We said the magic words and then we were four. And then we that more Pinkies meant more fun! And then we were many Pinkies! And it was so fun! And then-”

“Wait, you were two Pinkies at first?” he said, interrupting her.

“Yes.”

“Do you remember being alone, without another Pinkie?”

“... No?” she replied, and then she frowned. “Wait, that doesn’t make sense, the other Pinkie must have come from somewhere.”

“What’s the first thing you remember?”

“I... I remember... I was here... and I was the only Pinkie around! Hey, then I was alone, how could I forget that? I looked into my reflection in the water and said the words... And then I crossed the pool. But I didn’t get wet, because I was suddenly with the other Pinkie!” then realization dawned upon her. Havoc could hear the noise of a balloon popping as the Pinkie’s mane deflated and became straight.

“I’m not the real Pinkie Pie...” she said between tears.

Havoc hugged her, trying to help somehow. She returned it and continued crying for minutes, while Havoc thought of what to do next. The idea of making an army of Havocs with the Mirror Pool came to his mind, but he had seen enough movies and series with clones trying to kill the original to know that making clones of himself without knowing more about the pool was a terrible idea.

"Come on,” he said, trying to cheer the crying pony. “It’s not that bad.”

“I’m not the real Pinkie Pie, I’m just a copy! Of course it’s bad! It’s the worstest thing possible!” she shouted between tears.

“You are who you are,” he replied, grabbing her by her shoulders. “So what if you have a lot in common with Pinkie Pie? That doesn’t change the fact that you are an unique pony.”

“But I’m not even a real pony! I came out of that pool a few hours ago!”

“I don’t care about that. You look like a pony, you think like a pony, you feel like a pony, you ARE a pony. That’s the only thing that matters.”

“...Do you really think so?”

“Of course I do,” he said, releasing her from his grip. “You are as real as the Pinkie Pie who is in Ponyville right now.”

“But, what can I do? I can’t return to Ponyville, the other ponies will try to send me away like they did with the oth-What happened to the others?!”

“They... They returned to the Magic Pool. I don’t know what happens when you do that,” the fake Pinkie Pie paled when she heard that.

“Those who return to the Magic Pool become one with it again,” she whispered. “I don’t want to do that.”

“Then you won’t. If you want, I’ll take you out of here, until we find a safe place for you to stay.”

“Yes, please. I don’t know where to go. I would get lost!” she said, crying no more but still sad.

“First, we need to get away from here. We can’t risk being discovered by anyone else.” Havoc got on all fours. “Get on my back, we are flying out of here.”

The Pinkie climbed to the space between Havoc's wings, and the draconequus minor flew out of the cave. Only when they were flying above the trees did he realize that he didn't know where to go, just like the pony on his back. Because of that, Havoc decided to fly with his back facing Ponyville until he made a decision.

“Woah!” exclaimed the pony. “I can see so many things from here!”

Less than twenty minutes after that, Pinkie talked again.

“We need to go down.”

“Now? Why?”

“Because I really have to pee! I drank too much water while we raised Applejack’s barn!”

Havoc briefly considered telling her to just pee from the heights, but then he remembered that she was, after all, a young lady.

“Alright, we are going to land! Hold tight!”

As soon as they landed, Pinkie ran to the nearest bush to do her business, and Havoc noticed that Pinkie’s hair had returned to its ‘happy’ style while they flew. He kept on thinking what to do next as he waited. Equestria is the only pony nation, right? I don’t think I can find a place for Pinkie outside of it. Where should we go, then? Maybe we could live on the road until we find-

“I see you travel with Pinkie Pie. May I ask you why?” a voice havoc had heard before, in a life he had almost forgotten, said from behind him. He turned around and found a zebra he recognized as Zecora a few steps away from him.

“I am more surprised by the fact that you managed to sneak up on me than by how casual you are around me. How did you do that? It’s already strange that we landed so close to you that you could arrive in just a few seconds. I guess you used some kind of zebra magic.”

“I was the first to ask, you should be the first to take off your mask.”

“That was a rather poor rhyme.”

“I woke up with a headache, just answer already mismatched drake,” she said, frowning.

“Alright, alright. You know what the Mirror Pool is?” he said, and the look of surprise on her face was answer enough. “She came out of it. Along with several more Pinkies. Twilight returned all of them to the Pool, save for the original and this one."

“Has Twilight become insane? Why would she do that, please explain.”

“So, the clones are just like real ponies? She probably didn’t think they were.”

“Indeed they are, even though their birth is different by far. Their lives must be treated with respect, for they are like you and me, in effect.”

“Havoc, who is this pony and why does she have such a funny coat?” asked the fake Pinkie as she jumped out of the bush.

“Zecora is my name, a zebra who in a boat, from Zebrica to Equestria came.”

That must have been the longest orgasm ever. NO, BAD HAVOC, NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR SUCH THOUGHTS.

“You talk funny, I like you!” Pinkie replied.

“Zecora, I need to find a safe place for Pinkie to stay. I don’t think that trying to convince the Elements of Harmony to allow her to live in Ponyville is a good idea.”

“Why do you think so? If you try to dialogue, to the truth they will bow.”

“I have been thinking... Those ponies are good and innocent. If you go there and tell them that they basically committed a mass murder, how would they react to that? They could be broken by the truth, and Equestria would suffer. Also, I will get in trouble if anyone discovers me. You know, being a wanted draconequus and all of that.”

“I see you care deeply for this mare, so a small secret with you I will share. Go to the old castle that lies deep in the Everfree, you will find something helpful between the debris.”

“I guess we could take a look around that castle, but I don’t know where it is.”

“Fly towards the sunset, you will reach it in an hour without breaking a sweat.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” exclaimed Pinkie as she climbed back to Havoc’s back. “Giddy up, Havoc!”

“Thanks, Zecora. We owe you one,” he said, then he reared up as he whinnied like a horse before flying away.

As Havoc flew over the forest, he started feeling some kind of chaos magic. Unfortunately, the pink pony on his back was deafening his sense with her own chaos, so he could barely feel it. She was also talking a lot and asking many questions about zebras which he didn’t know how to answer, so he couldn’t even focus on what he could sense. When they spotted the castle between the trees, Havoc realized that the chaos was coming from it. Maybe there’s some kind of chaos magic artifact hidden in there that will boost my powers? His mind began to wander, thinking of what he could find in there and what he could do with it. It was dark outside when they landed in front of the ruins of the castle. Havoc tried to find the source of the chaos energy, but the energy came from all over the castle instead of a single place.

“We should get some sleep,” Havoc said. “I feel very tired, I guess being turned into stone doesn’t let your body rest. We’ll look around the castle in the morning!”

“Can we make a campfire and tell stories?” asked Pinkie.

“Sure, why not?”

The castle itself was surrounded by a few smaller buildings, so they chose the one that was in the best state of conservation to pass the night. The ‘building’ had lost its roof, so it was just a square made of stone walls. Inside, they found traces of an old campfire made by previous visitors. Neither Havoc not the Pinkie Pie knew much about camping or how to use fire, so they didn’t know that those ruins had enough ventilation to make a fire inside without the smoke asphyxiating them while they slept, while offering a decent cover from the wind and the cold outside. All in all, they were very lucky to find such an ideal place.

Havoc used his magic to create wood and light it, and after that he created some apples when he heard Pinkie’s stomach growl.

“You know what an apple tastes like, right?” he asked.

“Yup!”

“Tell me if these ones don’t taste just like the one you tasted earlier. I have never given someone else food created with my magic, and for all I know it could be poisonous.”

Pinkie grabbed one apple and took a bite out of it. “It tastes like the apples I ate today, only worse.”

“Worse?”

“Yeah...” she took another bite. “Like, when a cake doesn’t have enough sugar. The taste is similar, but worse.”

“Hm... I guess you can eat them. I’ll try to find real food from now on, though.”

Pinkie asked Havoc to tell her a story while she ate apples. “Why don’t you tell a story, first?” he asked in return.

“Me? But I don’t know any stories! ... Hey! How come I don’t know any stories?!”

“Didn’t you say that you had memories of things you hadn’t done? I think those are the memories from the first Pinkie Pie. Maybe, if you try to tell me about them, as if they were some sort of story, they will become clear for you.”

“That’s a great idea! Let’s see...”

Havoc listened to Pinkie tell him about her life, or the life of the original one, in her family’s rock farm. She struggled at first, as remembering your first memories in order and explaining them is hard, especially when they aren’t even your own memories. However, Pinkie soon found herself telling Havoc about her family, the work at the rock farm, their house, and many other details.

Havoc asked Pinkie to stop when she only a bunch of cores remained from the apples and she started yawning every few seconds. “I will tell my story now, and then we go to sleep, alright?”

“Fine! What’s this story about? Does it have something fun?”

Havoc had decided to try a story for children, as Pinkie seemed to think like one most of the time. “Once upon a time there were three bears, who lived together in a house of their own, in a wood. One of them was a little wee bear, and one was a middle-sized bear, and the other was a great big bear...”

By the time Goldilocks discovered the three beds, Pinkie was already sleeping. Havoc created a blanket for her, which had drawings of ponies riding humans, and then he lied down to get some sleep himself.

15: Turmoil

The Dark Lord was coming. Havoc could feel it, as a chill in his bones, a weight in his heart and fear in his groin. He looked from side to side nervously, hoping that The Dark Lord would turn its malign gaze to someone else and spare him.Then he heard the hoofsteps behind him. He found himself breathing in short gasps as he slowly turned around to find who or what had approached him.

“H-hey, Pinkie,” he stammered. “W-what’s with your face?”

Her neck cracked as her head turned back to her normal position, while her eyes turned from blue to red.

Havoc screamed, and then he woke up.

“Wow, that was a weird nightmare,” he said, and he turned right to face Pinkie, but she wasn’t sleeping under her blanket.

He heard giggling on his left, so he turned to see what was going on.

Havoc screamed a second time as the Pinkie-like abomination approached him, only for a dark blue barrier to protect him from it.

“Begone, nightmare!” boomed a feminine voice, and the creature dissolved into nothingness.

Havoc found himself in a exact copy of the ruins he was sleeping in. He had realized he was dreaming the very moment he heard the voice. In front of him was Princess Luna herself.

“Are you real?” he asked.

“Yes. I am the Princess of the Night, it is my duty to come into the dreams of ponies when they need me.”

“That was my headcanon!” he happily replied.

“Oh, for my sister’s sake, you are one of those humans,” she groaned. “Well, I guess this makes everything easier.”

“Why did I say that? I have been careful not to reveal that I am a human to anypony,” Havoc said, frowning.

“You are in the Realm of Dreams, where your subconscious mind rules while your conscious mind rests. You will find that behaving as you would while being awake and not voicing your thoughts is hard. Now, I must ask: how did you manage to stay awake for a whole month? I am impressed.”

“I was turned to stone by that bitch Screwball. Shit, sorry for the language. I just broke free yesterday, and this is the first time I sleep since then. I wonder how your mane tastes like. Damn, sorry! I didn’t-”

Luna covered his mouth with her hoof and nodded. “That explains it. Now, Havoc, I haven’t come into your dreams to defeat nightmares and ask about your sleeping patterns. I am here to discuss your situation without interruptions. Let’s begin with what we know about you: you are a draconequus minor, you have killed ponies, and you have helped other ponies.
The first thing means that you have been sent here by a draconequus. Because of this, you are an unwilling spy and weapon for your master, and we can’t allow you to live in Equestria unsupervised.
Now, killing ponies. Killing is one of the most terrible crimes. However, only my sister, me or a small army would be able to weaken you enough to contain you, and the collateral damage would be terrible. We could use the Elements of Harmony against you, but you will surely die if you are exposed to such a pure form of Harmony. Because of this, and because you showed that you are capable of good by helping in the Crystal Empire, we have decided not to actively seek you. But know this: if you ever damage our subjects again, we will find you and punish you for your crimes.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it. Leave Equestria, and we will ‘forget’ about you. Stay, and we will hunt you down if you ever harm another pony.”

“Uh... Well... Okay... Can I ask you a few questions?”

“You can.”

“First, do you know about this Mirror Pool in the Everfree Forest? The ones that makes clones?”

“What about it?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Are the clones real people? I mean, do they have souls or whatever differentiates a pony of, say, a flower?”

“You seek a simple answer for a difficult question, but I think I can answer it in laypony’s terms. The Mirror Pool creates husks without souls of whoever gazes it. However, these husks will fill themselves given enough time, creating new individuals that look just like their creator from the outside, but can be drastically different inside. When this happens, they also ‘grow’ souls, just like any other living being.”

“Well, that means that Zecora was kind of wrong and Twilight is not a mass murderer. Someone should tell her...”

“I think you should tell me the whole story,” Luna said, after raising an eyebrow when she heard the words ‘mass murderer’.

And so he did. He told Princess Luna how he broke free, and everything that happened after that.

“Interesting,” she said. “We must investigate this matter. While the clones were too young to have become rational beings, we suspect Twilight didn’t know that. ‘Getting rid’ of fake ponies because they are annoying could devolve into declaring war because the other races are dangerous.”

“Declaring war? It’s not like she has the power to do that, does she?”

“No, of course she doesn’t,” Luna quickly replied. “Oh my, look at the time. You have to wake up now. I’m afraid that you won’t be able to ask more questions. Remember my words, and know that we are not your enemies, unless you force us to,” as soon as she finished talking, she vanished in a flash of light.

Havoc heard gibberish behind a few moments after the princess left. He turned around only to be knocked down by something. Said something climbed to his chest, and then Havoc could see it.

He tried to escape, but his body was paralyzed. NONONONONONONO. The pink monster hissed as its mouth close around Havoc’s neck.

And then he woke up again. He quickly looked for Pinkie, and found her sleeping under the blanket he had created. Scared, he floated above her to check that her face was normal.

Havoc breathed in relief, and then he went out to find some food for breakfast. When he was in Granite Back, he had learned that the diamond dogs fed the ponies with grass when they lacked any other food. Ponies can eat grass, just like humans can eat raw meat, but most of them aren’t used to it and it can make them sick. Apparently, it also tastes bad. Therefore, Havoc went out to find some fruits and flowers. Pinkie Pie with diarrhea was something he would rather avoid. I’m sure she would start singing about it...

When you're sitting on your tush
And you have to give a push...
When you're running down the road
And you can't control your load... Diarrhea!!

Damn, now I want to listen to her singing that. It must be hilarious...

He stopped thinking about that and began brooding over Luna’s words. The message was clear: he had to leave or stay hidden. Leaving with Pinkie was not an option, so he would have to find a place where she could leave alone, or live with her while hiding his true form. Do I really want to live with this Pinkie Pie? She seems to think like a child, I doubt she would be able to survive if I abandon her. But who would take care of her until she becomes an adult in mind? There’s no one I know who would do that. I must stay with her, it’s the right thing to do. He spent a few more minutes thinking of what to do with Pinkie until he found a pear tree near the ruins of the castle, so he decided to take a handful of them for both of them. It’s been ages since I last ate a pear, I can’t wait to eat these.

“Good morning, Pinkie!” he said when he noticed she was awake.

“Diane,” she coldly replied.

“Hm?”

“Call me Diane. I am not Pinkie Pie,” she explained, her tone a bit harsh.

Havoc nodded solemnly. “Alright, Diane. I found some pears, let’s have breakfast before going into the castle.”

Diane frowned. “Why are we here? I thought you would find a safe place for me.”

“I will, this is a small detour. Zecora said that we would find something here. She’s wise and I trust her, so that something must be important. After that, I have been thinking that we could travel from city to city until you find one you like.”

Diane stared at Havoc, thinking on what he had said. “Okie Dokie!” she exclaimed, her mood brightening again. That was weird.

Unlike the buildings that surrounded it, the castle was still mostly intact, even if vines had grown over most of its walls, and a few of the merlons had fallen to the ground. This made the castle look menacing to Havoc and Diane, as it stood among alone surrounded by ruins, like a monster surrounded by the bones of its preys. Its gate resembled the maw of a stone beast, that would crunch them as soon as they tried to cross it.

Diane and Havoc gulped at the same time, but they gathered enough valor to go inside. As they walked into the depths, following Havoc’s chaos sense, the corridor they were in grew darker, as it had no windows and the light sources were nowhere to be found.

“Diane,” Havoc said, trying to start a conversation to forget about how scary the castle was. “Did telling Pinkie’s memories help you make sense of them.”

“Yeah! Now they are all clear!” she said with joy. “I can’t wait to the next time I can tell you about them! I would tell them to myself, but then I wouldn’t have any stories to tell! Oh! Next time you tell a story first! The one you told last night was a bit childish but it was lots of fun and-”

Havoc tuned out her chattering, giving Diane just enough attention to have a general idea of what she was talking about. Havoc noticed that the chaos energy was no longer a vague feeling and it was now located somewhere below them. When they found a spiral staircase leading down it was too dark to use them without tripping, so Havoc knocked his own head and his eyes suddenly acted like flashlights, illuminating whatever he was looking at.

“Ooooh!” Diane exclaimed, the surprise snapping her out of her ‘endless chatter’ mode.

They walked down the stairs for so many minutes that when they reached the end they were both dizzy.

“I hate stairs...” muttered Havoc.

“Me too...” Diane replied, her face turning green.

They sat on the ground until they recovered, and then they continued. They stopped in front of a locked wooden door, the first one they had encountered yet. The door had a golden plaque with an inscription, which said: “Only those with the blessing of the Queen of the Night may go through me.”

“Hm... I guess we’ll have to go back and forget about it,” said Havoc.

“Why?” asked Diane.

“Because it’s locked, and we don’t have this blessing thing.”

“But, it’s just a small door!” Diane exclaimed. “You are big and strong, I’m sure you can break it in no time!”

“Breaking a locked door instead of opening it with its key or a lockpick?” asked Havoc, surprised. “Is that even possible?”

“Do it, faggot!”

“Well, if you say so... Wait, where did you learn that word?!” Havoc asked, and Diane shrugged.

“... Whatever.”

Havoc took a deep breath and punched the door with his ent arm. The one thousand years old wood exploded, showering the place in dust and sawdust.

“See? Silly Havoc, this is not a roleplaying game, there’s no such thing as unbreakable doors!”

“... And how do you know about roleplaying games?”

“Pinkie Pie has a party cutie mark, she knows all the games in existence. I have her memories, so I know all of them, too... Even though they are a big mess in my head right now.”

“Well, who would have thought that that knowledge would be helpful in real life? Good job, Diane. Let’s see what is in there.”

They walked over the remnants of the door into another corridor, which led them to the only room in the castle that had its own illumination, provided by magic gems located on the walls. The only feature in the room was a large stone altar, with a grid of square painted blocks that seemed to depict some kind of winged monster and that had an empty space so the rest could be moved to their proper positions.

[Author Note: the puzzle should work for everyone now, I think I just saved that site by telling them that their puzzles didn't work lol.]

“Hey, there’s a block missing! Oh! It’s a puzzle!” exclaimed Diane, and began to move the blocks.

“Wait, it could be a-” Havoc’s warning was interrupted by a loud noise of stones grinding. “Trap.”

The noise was caused by the walls on their sides, which slowly descended into the floor, revealing a large pile of bones behind both of them.

“Well, I guess keeping a group of whatevers waiting for intruders in two small rooms with no exits for a thousand years isn’t such a good idea,” Havoc commented, and then the bones began moving on their own. “Shit.”

The magically animated bones formed pony-like bodies with sharp scythe-like limbs on their backs.

“Diane, you better solve that puzzle fast. These guys don’t look like they want to party.”

“Give them party hats. Skeletons love party hats,” she said as she continued moving the blocks.

Havoc shrugged and snapped his fingers, making party hats appear with popping noises on the skeletons’ heads. They didn’t seem to notice the hats, as they continued walking towards Havoc and Diane without a second thought.

“It’s time to know if all those days spent killing zombies in Left for Dead 2 taught me anything,” Havoc said, as he summoned his dragonbone hammer.

Ten pony-like skeletons were already close to the altar, and more kept coming from the piles of bones. Havoc created a wall of vodka bottles around Diane and two dancing bears to protect her from any skeleton that tried to harm her. A skeleton jumped towards Havoc’s neck, but he brought his hammer down on it, crushing most of its bones. Five more skeletons attacked Havoc from behind before he could raise his weapon, so he raised his tail, his anus facing the skeletons, and sprayed them with draconequus guano. Havoc’s dung turned out to be highly explosive, and the explosion it caused was strong enough to disintegrate the skeletons. The next wave of skeletons were bigger, and had more sharp appendages. Six of them surrounded Havoc, so he aimed at the one in front of him with a finger, as if his hand was a gun.

“Pew!” he said, and his finger fired a bullet, blowing the skeleton’s head. The undead creature continued walking without its head, as if nothing had happened.

An skeleton managed to sneak on Havoc’s back and harm him with his sharp limbs. Havoc’s snake tail coiled around it and squeezed it until he heard the bones snapping. Then he aimed with his open hand at another skeleton, a beam of energy coming from his palm and obliterating the undead. The remaining undeads changed tactics, as they joined into a massive bone monster. The creature resembled a three meters tall centaur, if centaurs had four heads, four arms and six legs.

“Wow, it’s been awhile since I found someone my size. They are always giant or pony-sized.”

The monster opened its four mouths in a silent roar and charged against Havoc with uncanny speed. The skeleton’s lower arms pinned Havoc to the ground, while the upper ones tried to maul his head.

“Fuck you!” Havoc shouted, and then he breathed fire on the skeleton, which reared back as its body was burned.

Havoc got up and finished the centaur by hitting it with his hammer until it stopped moving.

“That’s what you get for-” he began, but he stopped when he heard Diane shout.

“Stay away, you meanie pants!” she said.

Havoc turned and found that two more centaurs, these ones made of purple bones, had defeated the dancing bears, who had turned into Matryoshka dolls upon death, and were about to break the walls of vodka bottles. He tried to push them away with telekinesis, but as soon as his magic touched them he felt cold and his spell failed. Cursing, he flew towards the closest one, tackling it. Breathing fire on it was ineffective, and it allowed the skeleton to maul Havoc’s chest with its arms. Growling, the draconequus improved his strength with magic to rip off the centaur’s arms and throw them away. Then he teleported to the other centaur’s back and crushed it’s chest bones with a bear hug.

“Are you done yet?!” he asked Diane.

“I need some more time!”

Havoc tried to heal the wounds on his chest, but found that the same magic that protected the skeletons from his spells was now also on his wounds. He cursed under his breath and turned to face the skeletons. What he found made his jaw drop. A colossal bone monster resembling a gorilla made of all the remaining bones was walking towards him. It was wielding two swords made of purple, magic resistant bones, and it was twice as tall as Havoc, so it almost touched the ceiling with its ten heads. The bone giant raised its left sword, and Havoc noticed that Diane was its target, so he blocked the blow with his hammer. The force of the attack was enough to force Havoc to kneel, leaving him open for a horizontal attack from the giant’s right sword. Grunting with effort, he turned his hammer just in time to meet the sword, but the impact tossed him into the air. Havoc changed to frog midair, becoming so light that the friction with the air slowed him enough to land safely. Then he turned back to his draconequus body and attacked the skeleton with ice spears, forcing it to block them with the swords and leave Diane alone. After that, he made a party blower appear in his hand and blowed it. This unleashed a sound wave that was strong enough to make the skeleton stagger. Some bones left the creature’s torso and formed an extra pair of legs, which allowed it to walk towards Havoc without stumbling. Havoc continued blowing until he emptied his lungs, and right after he stopped he jumped out of the monster’s trajectory, which crashed against the wall when the force that was pushing it disappeared. Havoc felt a cold grasp around his tail and found that the monster had grabbed it with a third arm that came from its belly before hitting the wall. The bone giant pulled with enough strength to make Havoc fall on his back, and then continued drawing the draconequus closer.

“Damn! Let go you double zigger!” Havoc shouted when he noticed that he couldn’t teleport while being grabbed by the monster.

The monster stopped pulling, apparently surprised by the insult, and spoke. “That is racist,” said a dull voice that came from the skeleton’s chest. “Racism won’t be tolerated in the domains of Nightmare Moon.”

The skeleton pulled again, and more skeleton hands came from its torso, pinning Havoc to the ground. Then it raised its swords, aiming at Havoc’s neck.

“Don’t do something you might regret later!” exclaimed Havoc, panicking as he tried to break free. Suddenly, the whole skeleton crumbled on him and the lights went off at the same time. “Eh... Does that mean you decided that killing me won’t solve anything?”

“I did it, weeee!” exclaimed Diane with enthusiasm.

No longer restrained by the skeleton’s magic, Havoc turned into rattlesnake and slithered out of the mountain of bones that had almost managed to kill him mere moments before.

“Woah!” exclaimed Diane when Havoc turned back to his original form and made his eyes emit light again. “You can turn into other things?”

“Oh, right, I haven’t told you about my powers,” Havoc said. “Yes, I can transform into many things. Good work with the puzzle, I couldn’t have solved it by myself with all those skeletons trying to kill me.”

Havoc looked at the paint of the now solved puzzle. The remaining block had somehow appeared when Diane solved it, and the creature depicted was some sort of bear-like monster with dragon wings and tail, four ram horns on its head and cloven hooves on its feet.

“He looks like a nice guy,” said Diane.

“If that was sarcasm it was too subtle for me.”

“No, really, I’m sure he looks rough and mean on the outside but is really caring and kind on the inside.”

Havoc walked towards the passage that had been revealed when Diane solved the puzzle. “Are you sure you aren’t talking about me?”

“Nah, you are not like that. You are more like mean and crazy, but good deep inside.”

“... I don’t get it.”

“Me neither, but that’s how it is.”

“So you think I’m mean? What have I-”

As soon as Havoc stepped on the stone floor, he felt a terrible weakness take over his body and the light coming from his eyes disappeared.

“What is this...,” he struggled to say. “I feel so weak... I can’t even do magic...”

“Are you sure? I feel fine.”

“I can feel something wrong with the walls. They are somehow suppressing my chaos magic.”

“What does that mean?”

“I... can’t... magic,” Havoc mumbled.

“Hey, you are smaller now! You look cute!”

Havoc turned to face Diane, and found that, being on all fours, he was eye to eye with her. This is bad, we are vulnerable if I can’t fight... We should go back, but I have a feeling that we have to cross this corridor. Hm... Disharmony told me to trust my instincts, right? They continued walking blindly through the corridor, and soon Havoc felt so weak that he had to rest his arms and torso on Diane’s back. This put them in a very compromising position, but luckily for them he had not the tools of the trade and she was too naive to think what anyone would have thought if they found Havoc and Diane in such position.

“You are heavy,” Diane commented. “Have you ever considered losing some weight?”

“I’m not fat... Damn it!”

Diane rolled her eyes. “Hey, I can see a light!”

By the time the light took the shape of a doorframe in the distance, Havoc had become so small that his eye level when he was standing on his two legs was below Diane’s. He had climbed to her back when he felt that his legs lost contact with the ground, and was now hugging her and trying not to fall with the little strength he still had.

“Are you sure you are fine?” asked Diane. “I already suspected you wouldn’t grow to any lengths to help people, but this is just ridiculous!”

“Yes, I’m fine... This is annoying but not dangerous...” he whispered into her ear, too weak to be louder. ”That pun was awful.”

“Well, I would tell you the pun about the big dragon who ate the little dragon, but you wouldn’t taller ate it.”

“Goddamit, Diane.”

“Complaint all you want. You can’t sue me, there’s a stature of limitations!”

“Those are kind of mean, you know?” he said, trying to sound disappointed but laughing at them.

“I know, but you are the only one who’s listening and you don’t care so I can finally say them! Pinkie has never been able to say mean jokes or puns because she knows ponies don’t like them, so now I feel her desire to share them with someone that will laugh at them. Like this: Seven dwarves walk into a brothel. The madam says, "Good evening, gentlemen." They all reply, "Hi, ho."”

Havoc laughed, more at the fact that she was saying such things with Pinkie’s voice than to the joke itself, and that only served to encourage her. And so, Diane told Havoc jokes - about medical conditions, racism, sex, tragedies, and many more topics - that, if they were ever told on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, they would make the soccer moms burn Hasbro and everything pony-related. He laughed so hard he fell from her back twice before they reached the end of the corridor. When they crossed the doorframe, Havoc went from being smaller than a bunny to his original half a ton self, while still being on Diane’s back. Luckily for her, he also recovered his magic at the same time and floated like a balloon filled with helium instead of crushing her.

None of them noticed this, though, as the huge creature that was studying them from the other side of the room had their attention. The monster was the same from the puzzle of the previous room, but it looked much more menacing now that it was real and in the same room as them. The creature was twice as tall as Havoc, who was 3 meters tall himself, and his sharp teeth and claws screamed “DANGEROUS” at them.

“Using a pony to cross the harmony corridor? That’s really clever,” the creature said, talking with a weird accent.

“What- I mean... Who are you?” asked Havoc.

“I am Turmoil,” he said. “And you two are?”

“Havoc.”

“Diane! What are you doing here all alone mister Turmoil?”

“Wait, your master named you Havoc? Really?”

“Eh... Yes, is that bad?”

"Cry 'Havoc!', and let slip the dogs of war,” he shouted, and then he laughed.

“So, I understand that you are also a draconequus minor,” Havoc said. “Why are you so... Symmetrical?”

“What, don’t you know that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “Do you know nothing about being a draconequus?”

“Nope.”

“Let’s start from the beginning,” said Turmoil, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “Who’s your master?”

“Disharmony.”

“OH SHIT!” he exclaimed as he pulled a huge black axe from his back. “Stay away from me, you bastard!”

Havoc grabbed Diane and placed her behind him. “Relax, dude! I just came here because I felt chaos energy and got curious! I don’t want to harm you or anything!”

Turmoil growled, pondering on Havoc’s words. “D̢̞̘̬̩̝̻̻͕̩̼̦̋̎̌̾̏́̓̏ͧ̒̽̍̇͊̀̆ͫ͞ǐ̶̡̖̰͙̙̘̬̳̬̪̗̞ͩ͆ͬͨͨ̍͂̓̈́͌͂͌ͩ̑̽̔ͤ̚̕̕͞s̨̡̖̤̳͍͍͍͙̳̣̞̮̰̭̣͑̂͒ͭ̎ͪͪͦ̀͜ẖ̴̡̪̱͇́ͧͥͥͣ͘͟a̷̢̯̬͖͇͕̩̗̗ͨͯ̋̒̊̒͒̋̓ͫͥ͗̉͗ͣ̀̌ͩ̀̚͜r̟̬̤̙̞͔̱͙͈͖̥̳̤͒̎ͪ̄̀̕͡m̴̞̹̼̤̝͇͓̫̻ͣ̆ͫͭ̏ͤͧ́͜͞ͅo͌ͨͨ̋͊ͨ͐̄̈ͨ̓҉̯̦͍͞n̅̑͑̾ͩͦ͂͆͛́҉͏̛̝̳͓̩͖̲̲y̦͚̳͙͖̦̞͋̎͑̐ͪ̄͊ͭ̏́̄̄̉͛ͬ̄ͬ͢! I know you can hear me. Dissonance is dead, there’s nothing you can gain by killing me now.”

Havoc’s body moved on his own, as if he was a puppet being manipulated by a puppeteer, as I assumed direct control. “My̛ t̢rue ͟n҉ame is ̧n̸ot͢ for̡ ͟òn̵e̛ ͠li͞k̨e͜ ͢y̛òu̶ ́tó ҉u͞se,̀” Havoc said with my voice. “I̶ ̡h͝a̡ve̡ ̕no̵t̸hing ̡t͟o ͟do҉ ̷w͢i͝th̸ ̨th͢i͢s̨,͏ ͝b́ut ̡I͘ will p͏un͡ish́ ͝you͝ i͠f̵ ̧you҉ bot̸he͞r me ag̶ai͡n҉.͡”

Turmoil nodded as I released Havoc, who staggered as he recovered the control of his body.

“What was that?” asked Diane, worried.

“That was Disharmony controlling your friend. She can control any draconequus minor of her creation.”

“Well, that was a really disturbing experience,” Havoc said. “At least now you won’t try to kill us, right?”

“Meh, I guess I won’t.”

“That’s great, because I have a lot of questions for you,” said Havoc, as he pulled a checklist from his back. “First: why are you locked down here?”

((Author’s note: I actually researched for this.))

“I’ll just start from the beginning,” replied Turmoil, sitting on the floor. “It was the year of our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ, 1000. I was a kentarchos in the army of Basil the Porphyrogenitus. You know, the Byzantine Empire?” he added when he noticed Havoc’s blank stare. “We were going to conquest Bulgaria, so I was marching with my troops under the command of the general Nikephoros Xiphias. Alas, Dissonance found me before we met the Bulgarians. He appeared one night in my tent, under the guise of a red-skinned man, and offered me power beyond imagination if I served him. I refused, thinking that I was being tempted by Satan himself, but then he showed me my future. If I didn’t accept his offer, I would be killed by an arrow in my first fight against the Bulgarians. Then, he promised me that he only wanted my services, not my soul, and that I would be free when I finished serving him. I should have refused a second time, and die in the battlefield as I was destined to, but I accepted his offer.”

Turmoil stopped talking and snapped his fingers, the wall behind him turning into a mosaic that changed on its own.

“I know you people from the future have these televisions that let you see things, but I have never been able to make one with magic,” he commented before continuing with his story while the mosaic showed what he told. “Dissonance grabbed me and twisted my shape into this, and in the blink of an eye we were in this strange land beyond the domain of God, where gods live among mortals and horses live like men. He taught me how to use my powers and gave me a mission. Dissonance had sided with more draconequi against Disharmony a long time ago, and she was trying to take revenge on them. My master knew that he was the next one on her list, so he decided to make an alliance with Nightmare Moon, who by then was gathering forces in secret to defeat Celestia and bring eternal night upon Equis. Their deal was that he would help her overthrow Celestia, and she would use the Elements of Harmony against Disharmony in return. However, Celestia would have felt Dissonance if he entered Equis, and she would never fight against both at once, so he sent me instead. I am more similar to a bear tainted by chaos magic than to a draconequus, so I would fight for Nightmare Moon like many other monsters that joined her side, waiting until Celestia decided to join the fight. Then Dissonance would use my body as a catalyst to enter this world and defeat Celestia. This would kill me and send me back to Earth, where I would wake up after a Bulgarian curse made me sleep for a month. That may sound weird to you, but a thousand years ago we believed in those things.

Unfortunately, things went awry. Disharmony discovered what Dissonance was trying to do, so she decided to attack him directly before he could use the Elements of Harmony against her. When he felt Disharmony’s power gather against him, he took over me and used me to tell Nightmare Moon that he needed the Elements as soon as possible. Nightmare Moon decided that attacking Celestia to take the Elements when Disharmony could join the fight was too risky, so she told my master that their alliance was over. Dissonance abandoned my body to gather his own powers to fight Disharmony, leaving me surrounded by our former allies. Nightmare Moon trapped me with magic and stated that she would use me to study draconequus magic after she dealt with her sister, so she built this containment area so I couldn’t escape.

Fights between real draconequi like them are very different to a normal fight, especially when you take into account that the place they live in, that place between universes, doesn’t even exist physically. I think they fought for two weeks before Disharmony finally killed Dissonance, and something happened to me when my master died. I gained powers that I shouldn’t have, like watching the other universes and eternal youth. However, Nightmare Moon was defeated and everypony forgot about me. My mind can leave this place thanks to the powers I got when Dissonance died, but I can’t leave physically or interact with almost anything. That’s why you could feel my chaos energy, I have been using it as a signal since Nightmare Moon returned and the Elements purified her. I was hoping that she would detect it and remember that she had forgotten me down here. But now that you have come with this pony, I can be free at last!”

“Who is Jesus Christ?” asked Diane.

“It’s a long story,” explained Havoc. “Turmoil and me haven’t always been draconequi minor. We were born humans on a planet called Earth, and lived there until we were turned into this and sent here by our masters.”

“Did you really have to tell her?” asked Turmoil, raising an eyebrow.

“Why not?”

“AHHHHHHHHHHH! ALIENS!” she screamed as she galloped away.

“No, wait!” exclaimed Turmoil. “We can’t leave without your help!”

Diane stopped a few steps into the magic-blocking corridor. “Huh?”

“Havoc, you became really weak when you crossed the corridor, right?” asked Turmoil.

“Right.”

“So weak that, if it weren’t for Diane, you couldn’t have reached this room?”

“Yes, I became so weak that I couldn’t move.”

“That’s how I was kept here for so many years. It’s physically impossible for us to leave on our own. It would be easier for a waterfall to go upwards than for us to walk to the other side.”

“And you would stay here alone until somepony else came to help?” she asked.

“Yes, if anypony will come at all. It took one thousand years for you to come, after all.”

“I can’t let that happen!” she exclaimed. “Nopony should stay all alone without friends or parties for so long! It makes ponies talk to sacks of flour and rocks!”

She trotted back to the room, to Havoc and Turmoil’s relief.

“What if we get out and then we continue talking?” suggested Turmoil. “I really really really want to get out.”

“Hm... I don’t know if letting you leave is a good idea. You could have lied to us and be some sort of super evil monster,” said Havoc. “Maybe if you proved that you are a nice guy...”

“I can’t believe you are blackmailing me,” Turmoil stated, frowning. “Alright, I will do something for you. I will... Hm... Ha! I will tell you your name!”

“What?”

“Disharmony made you forget your name. Dissonance did the same to me, but when he died I remembered my name. It’s Alexios, by the way. I think I can discover your name.”

“And how will I know that it’s my real name and not something you just made up?”

“You will, trust me.”

“Do it, Havoc!” said Diane. “Now I want to know your alien name!”

“Well, alright.”

Turmoil put his huge claws on each side of Havoc’s head, and they beamed with green magic. This lasted ten seconds, after which Turmoil’s hand stopped glowing.

“I have a name. Havoc, your real name is...”

And here is where I would make the chapter end. Or maybe I would make it so Havoc knows but you humans don’t until the end of the story or something like that. But that unlucky minor has already made me look like an evil goddess of vengeance and death, so I won’t do any of that.

“Your real name is Martin,” Turmoil said, and Havoc passed out.

Author's Note

It took me 500 seconds to beat that puzzle. I am so bad at solving those... If any of you decides to solve it feel free to share your score.

FUCK, I wrote Marcus as Havoc's real name instead of Martin. I have fixed it now, but I'll say it again in the next chapter for all the people who read it before I noticed the mistake.

INTERMISSION 2

Emeral Sword felt content. His neck was sore from swinging his blade for hours, his right eye was closed to avoid the blood from a small wound on his forehead getting in, and he stank of blood and sweat. The diamond dogs they fought were dangerous opponents, even though most fought without weapons or armors. Their claws cut through steel plate with ease, and their teeth could break a sword in a moment. They had sharp reflexes, and their superior size gave them an advantage. However, they fought without discipline, and it was clear that they hadn’t been trained to fight together.

“Volley!” Shining Armor shouted from behind, and Emerald Sword ducked as soon as he heard the order.

In less than a second, a barrage of magic projectiles flew over him, burning any diamond dog they touched into ashes. Emerald Sword’s squad rose up and clashed against the next line of diamond dogs, giving the unicorns time to charge another volley.

Crystal ponies might seem the weakest breed of pony at first glance, as they don’t have the magic of an unicorn, the wings of a pegasus or the endurance and ‘crops growing magic’ of an earth pony. Their unique power, their ability to channel emotional magic through gems and crystals, seems much weaker than unicorn magic, especially if you consider that their greatest magic feat is using the Crystal Heart, while the unicorns can move the Sun and the Moon when they use their magic together. However, the crystal ponies had effectively time travelled one thousand years into the future from an age that had been unforgiving with ponykind. It isn’t surprising, then, that their army was better equipped and trained than their Equestrian counterpart. Emerald Sword had checked himself that the Equestrian Royal Guard was only slightly better than the average crystal soldier, and that was mainly because the war tactics and equipment had evolved in the last millennium. Emerald Sword had been a member of the Crystal Empire’s Imperial Guard himself, so he had requested a meeting with Shining Armor to discuss how to combine the crystal soldiers and the Equestrian soldiers in the best way. The prince had been surprised by Emerald Sword when he told him that he didn’t have any command over the other guards, and had asked why a sergeant, the lowest rank an imperial guard could have, was meeting him instead of a captain, and Emerald Sword explained it to him.

When Sombra took over the Empire, he had enslaved the entire population, but not all of them had gone to the mines. The soldiers, he had kept, for he knew that he wasn’t powerful enough to stand alone against the alicorn sisters and their armies. Emerald Sword remembered those days with horror. Sombra had executed all the officers so, if his magic failed somehow, there would be nopony with the leadership skills needed to overthrow him. The remaining soldiers had been subjected to Sombra’s mind control, which had turned them into emotionless husks of themselves, unable to feel anything save for loyalty towards Sombra. Fortunately, this form of control had been broken and replaced by the apathy and amnesia that plagued the rest of the crystal ponies when the alicorn sisters defeated Sombra. Else, Equestria would have needed an army to retake the Empire from Sombra.

Shining Armor took it all in stride and promoted Emerald Sword to captain of the Imperial Guard, as he had showed more initiative than the rest of the guards. Then, Emerald Sword had told him what he thought about the Equestrian forces, and the prince refused to believe him.

“The Equestrian Royal Guard is an elite force, its member are chosen from Equestria’s finest and they are feared by our enemies,” he stated. “You will have to proof that the crystal soldiers are as great as you say the are.”

“As you command, my prince,” Emerald Sword said. “If you consent, I’ll order the Imperial Guard to gather at the training grounds to have a sparring session with the Equestrian Royal Guard.”

Shining Armor approved the idea and, in an hour, both elite groups were standing on formation, wearing their armours and wooden swords. Many civilians had gathered to watch, and Princess Cadance had decided to join, too. The Imperial Guard greatly outnumbered the royal guards that Celestia had ‘gifted’ Shining Armor, so Emerald Sword chose a few to spar against the Equestrians. The Royal Guard was publicly humiliated that day by the Imperial Guard. The crystal ponies fought with a ferocity that the Equestrians had never witnessed. The royal guards had been trained mostly to subdue their opponents, mainly ponies, with their bare hooves without using lethal force, and to kill only when there was no alternative. The earth ponies weren’t used to wielding weapons, the pegasi didn’t aim at their opponent’s head with their razor wings, and the unicorns focused their magic on barriers. The Imperial Guard was trained to kill with effectiveness and to defeat anything short of an adult dragon with a sword. When it was clear that Emerald Sword wasn’t bragging when he talked about their superiority, Shining Armor decided to join the spar.

“The former captain of the Royal Guard, against the new captain of the Imperial Guard,” he said. “If you defeat me, the Imperial Guard will return its place protecting Cadance and myself. If I defeat you, you will train these royal guards until they become good enough to be imperial guards themselves.”

“My prince, my oaths forbid me from harming you,” Emerald Sword said. “You will have to release me from them for the duration of this spar.”

“Yes, yes. I hereby declare that Emerald Sword isn’t bound by any oath taken by him for the duration of this spar session,” he said with a monotone voice as he donned his helmet.

Emerald Sword took a wooden sword with his mouth and Shining Armor levitated one with his magic, and then they attacked each other. Shining walked backwards while attacking Emerald with magic bolts, which would make him lose if they hit him, as they would have been lethal in a real fight. Emerald Sword dodged them, moving with much more grace and agility than a pony wearing a full body armor should. When he was close enough, the crystal pony threw his sword at the unicorn, hitting him in the horn with enough force to interrupt his spells. As soon as that happened, Emerald grabbed Shining’s sword as it fell from his magic grip and did an horizontal slash aimed at his head. Shining pushed Emerald away with his magic, and then he retrieved his sword. The continued fighting for ten minutes, until they were panting and covered in sweat.

“I think you two have proved already how macho you are,” said Cadance. “Why don’t we call it a draw? You two have better things to do than beating each other into submission. The Imperial Guard is better at fighting, but that is because Equestria hasn’t seen war in centuries. Our army is trained to watch over our cities and protect the order, not to fight against invading forces. ”

“Yes, my princess/love,” they said in unison, dropping their weapons.

“Now,” continued Cadance. “The Imperial Guard has protected the rulers of the Crystal Empire since their creation. I’m sure they know the palace and its surroundings much better than any Equestrian. Restoring them on their functions is something I want to do as soon as possible. On another note, we have witnessed first-hoof that the crystal soldiers are great fighters. I expect a full report on your training methods on my desk before tomorrow evening. Times of change approach, and we might need more capable soldiers and less police officers in the future.”

Drogur and his warriors were fighting alongside the ponies against Azklur’s dogs. Unlike Sapphire Pit’s dogs, they wore armors and fought with weapons made with the scales of Thuryol, the green dragon that Drogur killed with Havoc’s help, save for Drogur, who was clad in the set made with the red scales of a teen dragon he had killed by himself years ago. Dragon scales are one of the few materials that can’t be pierced by a diamond dog’s teeth, so they were a great protection. The Alpha of Sapphire Pit was in the center of his army, and they were slowly getting closer to him. The ponies, wearing their plate armors, were the spearhead, and the dogs protected the flanks. Killing the Alpha often meant an immediate victory, unless the Beta managed to replace him in time to avoid his forces from disbanding, but Drogur knew that such thing wouldn’t happen today. Azklur was cunning and treacherous, rumours said that any new Beta who was strong enough to challenge Azklur for the rule of the pack was found dead the next morning. Then Azklur would choose a weak Beta that wouldn’t even consider attacking him. A strong dog would then defeat the weak Beta, and when the new strong Beta decided that their Alpha was too old or too weak to continue ruling he would be found dead and so on.

“When you revealed that we were going to ally with the ponies, I almost challenged you,” Drogur’s brother, Borduk, said as he fought on Drogur’s right side. Borduk usually talked broken Equestrian like most dogs, save for when he talked to his brother or he had to prove his intelligence. He also enjoyed speaking while effortlessly killing his enemies with the axes he carried on each hand. “I thought that you had finally gone mad while trying some sort of magic spell, but you have had great ideas that seemed crazy at first before, so I waited. Many dogs suggested me to defeat you and become the new Alpha. ‘He want us to be pretty ponies,’ they said. ‘We live on surface and eat pony food,’ they said. ‘He makes us sing instead of fight,’ they said. Some of them even dared to challenge me when I said I wouldn’t fight you.”

“Ha! That explains why so many dogs had broken bones the next day,” Drogur said, grinning.

“It seems that I made the right choice,” Borduk continued, stopping only to sever the arm of an opponent that had managed to keep up with him more than the others. “Sapphire Pit has been a pain in the ass for decades. They stole the corpse of the dragon you killed because it fell on their domain, and they are too many for us to beat them without help.”

“I would have liked it more if they had joined us,” Drogur said. “I know this is good for the dogs, they will realize that working with the ponies doesn’t mean we become weak...”

“Not that these ponies in particular are weak. They fight with courage!” Borduk commented, pointing with his left hand at the crystal ponies.

“Yes, but every dog we kill is one less we’ll have under our command when we win. It’s a shame that diplomacy didn’t work.”

To say that negotiations, or diplomacy, with Sapphire Pit’s Alpha had gone awry would imply that there had been negotiations to begin with. After the visit from the pegasi messengers, Drogur had sent his wife, Gavriila, to be his ambassador in the Crystal Empire. She and six of Granite Back’s finest fighters had crossed Sapphire Pit’s domain digging their way to the Empire, which was safer than travelling on the ground level, where any dog or dragon could attack them. Unfortunately, Sapphire Pit’s mines were deeper than they expected, and they dug right into them. To make things even worse, they appeared right when a group of ten diamond dogs had decided to have some “fun” with the pony slaves, and right where they were having said fun. The lascivious dogs attacked them, but they only carried whips so Gavriila’s guards made short work of them with their swords. Gavriila’s group continued digging until they were sure they wouldn’t cross more mines, and then they dug towards the ground level so they couldn’t be attacked while they were digging if Sapphire Pit sent dogs to kill them in revenge.

Cloudy Sunset flew above the battlefield, watching the enemy’s movements in order to inform her commanders of any change in their tactics. The fight was taking place in Granite Back’s territory. Sapphire Pit was much bigger than Granite Back, with a population of nearly a thousand diamond dogs. Most of these dogs were now gathered below Cloudy. Only the ones in the center of the army, the Alpha and the dogs who protected him, wore armor and weapons made of steel that shone under the Sun. The crystal ponies and Granite Back’s dogs, also wearing armor, were advancing in a wedge formation towards the center to slay the Alpha. From above, the Sapphire Pit army looked like an eye with a shining pupil and a brownish iris that was being pierced by an arrow. The plan was risky, as Shining Armor and Drogur would find themselves surrounded by enemies if their advance was stopped. If that happened, she had orders to fly as fast as possible to where the rest of the crystal pony army was hiding, as showing themselves would have revealed that they had numerical superiority over Sapphire Pit, and the dogs would have left and resorted to guerrilla tactics. This hidden battalion would charge against the enemy army like a hammer while it was focused on Shining’s troops, who would act as an anvil.

It had taken Cloudy Sunset a full day after reaching the Crystal Empire to do anything other than staring into the distance and chew the food that the nurses fed her with. Less than an hour after she said her first words - asking a nurse if she could leave - Prince Shining Armor himself visited her. He sat on the bedside and talked to her about the first time he killed. His speech about how it never got easy, but you learned to bear with it, and that sometimes it was the only option was pretty unoriginal, but the genuineness with which he said it made up for it. His words helped her overcome the shock, and so did talking to the other soldiers who had gone through the same ordeal. She hoped that, if she had to kill again to save her life or somepony’s else, she wouldn’t hesitate.

She had been there when the ambassador arrived. The female diamond dog and her guards had arrived at the doors of the Empire panting and covered in dirt a few minutes after the first watchpony sighted them. The dogs had immediately been escorted to the palace, where they had been greeted by the royal couple and led inside. A week after that, a group of fifty diamond dogs surfaced from the ground in the middle of the city and tried to steal the Crystal Heart. Fortunately, a strong magic barrier had been erected around it, and they had been forced to retreat through the same hole they dug by the crystal ponies. Gavriila, the diamond dog emissary, said that the den that was located between Granite Back and Sapphire Pit must have learned that they were planning to work together, so they had decided to destroy them both to avoid being surrounded by enemies. Cloudy didn’t know the details, only that the attempts at negotiating with Sapphire Pit had failed, and that the dogs had resorted to guerrilla tactics. They would dig holes leading straight to pony houses and take them away while they slept. When Cadance and Shining Armor resorted to maintaining a magic barrier around the city that didn’t let them dig into it, they began attacking the farmlands that had been rebuilt around the city, which were too far for the barrier to protect. When this was noticed, the Crystal Empire decided to retaliate. Shining Armor and Drogur would take each their best soldiers and join in the middle of Sapphire Pit, an act of defiance that Azklur would be unable to ignore without risking an uprise from his dogs for his cowardice. Cloudy wondered how could Prince Shining Armor and Princess Cadance trust Drogur to the degree of fighting alongside him. She didn’t know much about warfare, but she was certain that, if Drogur betrayed them during this fight, Shining Armor would die and the Crystal Empire would lose its finest ponies and risk being invaded. ‘At least Princess Cadance stayed back at the Crystal Empire to protect it while we are here’, she thought.

Emerald Sword knew the time had come for the crystal ponies to release their power. Since they left the Crystal Empire, the gems on their armors, and their own bodies, had been gathering the magic that the crystal ponies’ emotions created. Emerald ordered the Imperial Guard to release, and so they did. Immediately, their fury made them stronger, they anxiety made them faster and their euphoria made them ignore fatigue and wounds. Their crystalline bodies shone brighter than ever, as they attacked their enemies with ferocity. Sapphire Pit’s dogs broke the lines when they saw that the ponies were now slashing through anyone who stood on their way like knifes through butter. Shining and Drogur’s forces charged through the routing dogs until they reached their goal: the Alpha and his guard. Sapphire Pit’s elite didn’t escape, but they still weren’t match for the ponies. One dog stood out among the rest, as he was the biggest of them and the only one wearing a full armor made of brown dragon scales and adorned with skulls from many different species. Azklur was old for an alpha, his dark grey fur was covered with lighter grey patches and he had lost a few teeth. However, he was still a formidable foe. Wielding an axe, which was so big that any other dog would have needed both arms to use it, with his right hand and a shield with his left, he joined his dogs and together they managed to stop the crystal ponies’ advance.

Drogur attacked Azklur the moment he joined the fight. Only the Beta could challenge the Alpha of a pack, but if an Alpha killed another many dogs would join the winner’s pack in most cases. The ponies had been told to stay away from the duel between Alphas, and the dogs did the same. Azklur proved to be as good a fighter as Drogur, despite the age difference. While Drogur was tired after fighting for hours, Azklur was still fresh, and he fought with ferocity. Drogur found himself on the defensive, as Azklur's attacks rained on him from all directions. His brother's words came to his mind: "If you spend all day sitting and reading you lose strength! I warned you about your strength! I told you dog!"

“You are pathetic!” spat Azklur after making Drogur fall backwards with a shield bash. “You are weak, and you help ponies fight diamond dogs. You are no Alpha, you are Drogur the Half Pony!”

“I have only one word for you,” replied Drogur as he got up just in time to block another attack. “Vigor!”

Drogur didn’t know why some words allowed him to perform magic, his knowledge was mostly practical. He didn’t know that the forgotten dragon tongue, which was identical to Earth’s Latin, had power over magic. Because of this, his range of spells was limited to the dragon words that had been incorporated into Equestrian, had remained unchanged and had noticeable effects. He didn’t know why gems and dragon scales could be charged with magic energy, which he needed for his spells to be strong, as a diamond dog’s natural magic was meant to help them dig faster than it should be physically possible and could only be used for geomancy spells. On a side note, that is how Drogur discovered that he could do magic. He was holding a gem that was charged with magic due to being close to a ley line, the streams of pure magic that crisscross any world in which magic exists, when he said the word ‘tremor’. Immediately, the gem lost its light as it released its magic and caused a small tremor. From then on, Drogur experimented with words and sources of magic until the present day.

When Drogur said ‘vigor’, the magic on his armor went to his body, making him stronger in a similar way to the crystal ponies with their emotional magic. Using his improved strength, he hit Azklur with his shield with enough force to make him drop his weapon. The attack surprised the older Alpha, who couldn’t react in time to dodge Drogur’s sword, which stabbed him through the belly.

“The other packs...” Azklur struggled to say. “Will... Destroy... You...”

“They will try,” Drogur replied, and then he grabbed Azklur’s head with his free paw and tore it off with a powerful pull.

Drogur rose Azklur’s head for all to see, as he howled with all the force of his lungs. The dogs stopped fighting and growling as they focused their attention on Drogur.

“THE TIME OF THE DIAMOND DOG HAS COME!” he shouted for all to hear. “JOIN ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER FEAR DRAGONS AGAIN!”

Drogur howled again, and Sapphire Pit’s dogs dropped their weapons and howled with him. They had accepted him as their new Alpha, and they had become members of his pack.

“What did dragons and new times have to do with anything?” Shining asked Drogur as they walked towards Sapphire Pit, where Drogur would be officially declared the new Alpha of all the inhabitants of the den.

“Saying that always works. Most dogs fear dragons, and many of our legends talk about a future in which we will become a single nation under the rule of a Diamond Wolf that will become the Alpha of Alphas.”

“So you used the beliefs and fears of your own people to trick them into joining you?” Shining asked, frowning.

“I had to say something simple, short and effective enough to make them join us before they decided to continue fighting. Would you have preferred to kill more diamond dogs, prince?”

Shining frowned at the accusation, and shook his head in reply. He and Drogur had just met a few hours earlier, and they only had had half an hour to discuss how to defeat their enemies before they had to mobilize their soldiers for the impending fight. Shining Armor didn’t consider himself a pony prone to hate others, but he was convinced that he would grow to hate Drogur at the current rate. Their alliance had already managed to get them entangled in a war with another pack of diamond dogs, and Granite Back had still to release its slaves. He hadn’t had time to question Drogur about Havoc, and for all he knew the Alpha could be a pawn of the draconequus; or the draconequus himself thanks to his shapeshifting powers, and Shining Armor hated shapeshifting with a passion since he almost married the Queen of the changelings.

“Your ambassador promised that you would free your slaves as soon as possible,” Shining stated.

“Sapphire Pit has a flying ship with enough weaponry to discourage dragons from attacking it,” explained Drogur. “With it, we’ll be able to carry the slaves to the Crystal Empire, and we will as soon as the safety of my people is guaranteed.”

“I intend to make it all official before we return to the Crystal Empire and Granite Back,” Shining replied.

Gavriila had been very clear with their demands. She had blatantly stated that slaving was a legal practice in Granite Back, and that they would only free them when such practice was made illegal. In the end, they had reached an agreement: all the diamond dogs under the rule of Drogur would be considered Equestrians, and they would have the same rights as ponies. Drogur would become a Lord of Equestria, and he would only answer to royalty. It had been hard to convince them into accepting the title of Lord instead of Prince, with which only Celestia and Luna would have been above him, but making a diamond dog a Lord would already anger the nobility, putting him above them as royalty could have started a civil war. In exchange for their addition into Equestria, Drogur would apply Equestria’s law on his domains, and so slavery would be forbidden. The other main controversial point had been their diet. Diamond dogs were carnivore, and they couldn’t survive by eating only gems. Equestria already had laws for carnivores, which stated which animals could be eaten and under which circumstances. Equestria’s magic affected their fauna, and so an Equestrian bunny could be nearly as intelligent as a human child and couldn’t be eaten, while a bunny born in Gem Fido, which had less environmental magic, would be like a common Earth bunny and eating them was accepted. Due to this, the few carnivores living in Equestria were the ones who could afford buying imported meat and the ones that weren’t considered equal to ponies, such as owls and regular dogs.

Celestia and Luna had given their approval when they learned about it, but they have expressed skepticism in their letters. “Since their birth as a race, diamond dogs have always been prone to violence and brutality, and their leaders have always been cunning and selfish. Listen to their words, and treat them with love and tolerance despite their differences, but don’t let your guard down. This alliance could start a change in diamond dog society. If diamond dogs learn the magic of friendship, all the living beings in Equis will be happier.”

‘I wonder what they will think of this battle,’ Shining thought, as he was led to Sapphire Pit, the first territory acquired by Equestria through conquest in centuries.

16: Dead Memories

Martin... Yes... Now I remember...

Havoc’s human life flashed before his eyes.

I was born in 1985 in San Diego. My name was Martin Thompson. From an early age I considered the world I lived in a boring place. School was boring, my parents and my little sister were boring, the games most children played soon became boring, too. However, I found ways to escape from the boredom. Roleplaying games, fantasy books, science fiction, video games, Internet. I spent my teen years thinking of Star Wars, D&D and the occasional girl while barely passing my exams.

Names and faces surrounded him, his overwhelmed mind processing all the information that had been locked away for so long.

This, of course, lured bullies towards me. What they didn’t know was that one of the boring things my father taught me was boxing, and that he forced me to train with him during all the years I lived with my parents. When a group of idiots took my Space Marines from me and tried to play keep away at my expense while calling me names, I punched their leader right in the face, like my father taught me, breaking his nose. I was suspended from school for three days, and after that only the ones that were older than me dared to annoy me, and most of those chose easier prey.

The facts and images were accompanied by memories of smells, sounds, feelings and thoughts.

When I finished highschool I realized that, in order to have fun with my hobbies, I needed money, and to earn money I needed a job. As I thought that all the jobs were boring, I tried to choose the one which would give me the most earnings. I was better with numbers than with anything else, so I studied to be an accountant. Going to the university changed the way I lived. I kept on playing games, such as World of Warcraft, but for the first time in my life my focus was on “real life” instead of my hobbies. What I lacked in intelligence, I made up in hours of study. I met new people, and I started to behave more like “normal” people. Unfortunately, I found that boring, too. Dancing, drinking a lot, doing whatever was needed to get laid; all of it became monotonous in less than a year. By the time I finished my studies, I was like Twilight Sparkle, as I spent most of my time studying. I even stopped caring about sex, as I found porn and masturbation easier and quicker than managing to lure a girl to my bed, or having a romantic relationship.

When I discovered ponies, I already had a job, a car and a rented flat. I followed a very simple routine: go to work, go back home and watch ponies, sleep, repeat. I would occasionally hang out with the friends I had made at school, university and my workplace, as a part of me knew that avoiding social contact altogether and becoming a social outcast wasn’t a good idea. Besides, I found that getting drunk, going to a disco and trying to get some wasn’t that boring when I did it once in awhile instead of every weekend.

That was my life when Disharmony sent me to Equestria. It wasn’t the best life, but I was happy with it. I loved my family and my friends, even if I often found them boring. Now I can’t return to them, and they will grieve for my disappearance or death! It’s her fault! SHE BROUGHT ME HERE! SHE KILLED ME! I’LL MAKE HER PAY!
R͟EV̴͘É̕N͘҉͢GE ͢WI͢͢L̴͞L B̶͢͝E͝ ͜MI̶̧N͏Ȩ́͞,̶̵͠ ̴͢Ń̕͡O̷̷̕ ͝͡MAT̀͜T̕͏͡E̸̡͘R͟ W̕H̷AŢ ͞ÌT̕ ̸̡͡TA̵K҉́É͢S!

Havoc woke up and roared with a blind rage. Immediately, Turmoil held him down with his superior strength and size. Havoc struggled against the older draconequus and tried to bite him, too enraged to think of using magic against him, but Turmoil didn’t let him go until he calmed down, twenty minutes later.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” muttered Havoc. “Damn, you are strong.”

“You have been unconscious for two hours,” said Turmoil as he released Havoc from his iron grip. “We had to carry you out of the castle. It was really hard for me to carry you deep into the containment corridor until we were small enough for Diane to carry both of us on her back.”

“And then he stared into the distance and stood still without doing anything for half an hour!” exclaimed Diane. “It was scary, almost as scary as you when you woke up.”

“A lot of things happened when I left the containment chamber,” explained Turmoil. “But we can talk about that later. How are you, Martin? I remember that when I got all my memories back I also woke up a bit angry.”

“I’m fine, I guess,” Havoc replied. “I... Call me Havoc, it feels weird to be called Martin.”

“I understand. My real name also makes me feel uncomfortable. Look, I don’t have much time, and there are some things you must know if you don't want to die in the next weeks, so I’ll just tell you and leave.”

“Alright, I’m listening.”

“A draconequus minor’s power is measured by how many creatures he’s made of. I’m made of only three creatures, which is the least we can have. If you ever face a draconequus made of more creatures, he will have more powers than you, and he will be able to store more chaos energy in his body without danger. Real draconequi, on the other hand, can have as many parts as they wish and will always be more powerful than a minor. For example, I can’t teleport, and you can, but you probably can’t use your chaos magic to perform spells that require precise control, such as creating complex machinery or mind controlling ponies. However, having more options at their disposal doesn’t make them necessarily stronger. I am physically stronger than you, and you can always be lucky and have more energy at your disposal, which will be helpful in chaos fights. A chaos fight is-”

“I know what they are,” Havoc interrupted him. “But what’s that about storing too much energy?”

“There’s a limit to how much energy you can store in your body. Surpassing it can have many different outcomes, we are dealing with chaos magic, after all. If you have only a bit more than you can keep your body will gradually release it, and it’ll probably affect your surroundings. However, if this happens in your chaos domain, or you take way too much magic, your body won’t be able to drop the extra energy and it will become unstable. Usually, you will turn into a huge eldritch abomination and go crazy until you spend the extra energy.”

“Chaos domain?”

“You don’t know about that?” Turmoil asked, incredulous. “How have you survived until now without succumbing to the chaos thirst or dying due to lack of magic? This is unbelievable, I’ll teach you how to do it right now.”

To create a chaos domain, a draconequus must release his chaos magic in the target place. When enough chaos magic is released, it will feed on itself and grow on its own. The environmental magic will become chaos magic, which will drastically change the domain according to the draconequus’ will. Clouds might turn into cotton candy and rain chocolate, or maybe they will become sentient and fight each other with swords made of lightning, the animals will alter their behaviour, and bunnies could hunt wolves while pigs climb singing trees to eat chocolate honey made by eagles. In such a place, a draconequus will gain great amounts of chaos energy just by standing around, and the madness that comes from chaos deprivation won’t take over the mind of the draconequi minor. As Turmoil explained all of this to Havoc, he remembered that he had done something similar on a smaller scale when, in Granite Back, he had made his room be as chaotic as possible.

“You also have to be careful with the ley lines, most of them are too strong for you to make a chaos domain in their vicinity. It will be like a child trying to make a sand castle on a beach with two meters tall waves.”

“Ley lines?”

Turmoil facepalmed so hard that he was forced to heal his broken fingers and fissured skull afterwards. “For God’s sake... How can you know so little? The ley lines are currents of magic that cross the entire world and converge in certain places. The Everfree Forest in one of those places, that’s why the magic isn’t tamed like the rest of Equestria, their effects are too powerful for earth pony magic to alter the land. Can’t you feel them below you or something?”

“... Should I? The only magic I’m feeling is the one coming from Diane.”

“Huh?” said Diane, who had zoned out while the draconequi talked.

“Hm... Your ability to sense magic must be off. You should be able to feel my magic, too, since I’m not hiding myself, and the environmental magic of this forest is also noticeable. Maybe some meditation will help you ‘open your third eye’.”

“Ugh, I hate meditation. Can’t I have some sort of epic training with lots of danger and a time limit to open my third eye before I lose the ability forever?”

“No, I don’t have time to do that,” Turmoil replied. “You see, when my master died, his powers passed to me, and now I am a real draconequus, or draconequus major, whatever you want to call it. That’s why I could guess your real name and see what happened in other universes. However, I couldn’t properly use my powers while trapped in the containment chamber, so I couldn’t see what happened here and I couldn’t communicate with anyone. Now that I am free, some of the other draconequi have contacted me. They want me to leave this universe so I can go to their homeland and complete my transformation into a real draconequus. I want you to give me some of your energy so I can use it to leave this universe in return for my teachings.”

“Well, I guess it’s a fair deal,” Havoc replied.

Turmoil reached towards his belly-button with his paws, and he revealed that it was an USB port. Havoc made a USB connector grow on his, and he inserted it on Turmoil’s port.

“No homo,” said Havoc as he gave Turmoil some of his energy.

“The punishment for that would have been castration back in my day. But you can’t be castrated so I guess you can make it as homo as you want and face God’s judgement if you still belong to his flock.”

“Wait, wait,” Havoc said, surprised. “You mean to tell me that the christian god is the real god?”

“I don’t know. I have had a thousand years to think about that, among many other things, and I haven’t reached a conclusion. To begin with, Earth does have gods. The Greek gods, the Egyptian gods, they are all real entities. I know this because some of them are participating in that game started by Discord, from which I have learned some information while you were unconscious. However, the ‘newer’ gods haven’t revealed their existence, if they exist at all. Proxy gods are common in many universes. Prayers and faith are a source of power in some universes, whereas the prays to a god which has revealed itself to someone will give said god nothing in return. Because of this, if the Aztec gods, for example, wanted to weaken the other gods, they could have created a fake god to make everyone forget their own gods. In the end, the only way to know if my God is real is to wait for him to show himself, because expecting all the gods in the multiverse to tell you, without lying, that they didn’t create that fake god is stupid. There’s also the possibility that a Supreme God exists, which rules over the multiverse. Because if your soul is in the afterlife created by the egyptian gods, and said gods die, where does your soul go? And where does the soul of a god goes when he dies?”

“So, the existence of gods doesn’t proof that other gods exist, and we return to where we started.”

“Exactly, and the system of belief and faith remains unchanged. Compared to the rest of humanity, we know that gods exist, and that supports the existence of God, but we can’t and probably will never have a proof,” said Turmoil, and then he unplugged Havoc’s USB from his belly. “That will be enough. Hm... I’m going to become a god-like being. If that makes God himself reveal his existence to me for some reason I’ll let you know, if I can do that without getting in serious trouble.”

“I just released a god and all I got was this lousy name,” Havoc said, and suddenly he was wearing a shirt with his name written on it.

“I can’t give you much more. The gods playing this game allow me to give you some boons as a reward for freeing me, but they will intervene if I overdo it and use my new powers to give you an army of draconequi minor living in a floating city powerful as the Death Star under your command... There’s something else I can give you, though. Take my axe, I won’t need it anymore.”

Turmoil pulled his humongous black axe from his back, and then he made it shrink so Havoc could wield it.

“This axe was forged by Dissonance in the Nexus, the homeland of the draconequi that connects all the universes. There, where the laws that rule logic and physics change at random, a draconequus can create artifacts with unmatchable properties. This axe is made with a metal that is impervious to all sorts of magic, save for chaos magic. Not only that, but its mere contact disrupts magic, as this weapon doesn’t follow this universe’s rules of magic. However, this weapon has its weaknesses. It’s as tough as steel, so using it against tougher materials will damage it. Even though breaking it or changing its size is easy by applying some chaos magic, repairing it requires large quantities of energy. Use it wisely.”

“Wow, now this is a great gift, thank you!” Havoc said, as he grabbed the axe with both hands. Only then did he realize that, unlike everything else in that universe, the axe didn’t have an outline. It wasn’t easy to notice due to it being already black, but on close inspection it was obvious that the axe didn’t ‘belong’ to this universe. It looked like it belonged to a videogame, not a cartoon. “Does it have a name?”

“No, what kind of sword swallowing, interior decorating, warm showers taking, good with colours, butt munching fagg-”

“Yeah, yeah, I have heard that already,” replied Havoc, fuming. Interior decorator? Well, I guess being from the Middle Age and spending a thousand years watching Earth from a small room makes you eccentric. I better shut up and don’t say anything about religions or homosexuality, angering a soon-to-be god is the last thing I need.

“Hey, what about me? I want a gift, too!” said Diane, oblivious to anything else.

“Oh, right. I almost forgot about you. Sorry, little pony, your friend is so stupid-”

“Hey!”

“-that he really needs all the help I can give him... Now, what can I give to you? Hm...”

Turmoil thought in silence for a whole minute before talking again. “I’m going to leave now, and ll give you my gift as soon as I can. You two better behave, I’ll be watching over you.”

With that said the draconequus popped out of existence, and the air made a loud noise when it filled the vacuum he left behind.

“I wonder if we are supposed to wait here until he comes back,” said Havoc.

“Uh oh,” Diane said, and she put herself under Havoc’s body. “My tail is twitching, I think that means something is going to fall soon!”

“That’s what it means if you have Pinkie Sense just like Pinkie Pie,” Havoc said as he covered his head with his left arm while standing on his three remaining extremities. “We better wait like this until something falls.”

A few seconds later, Diane’s ears perked up. “Can you hear that? It sounds weird.”

Havoc listened with attention and, after a few seconds, he heard a sound that foreshadowed something terrible. Then he felt a terrible pain coming from his tail, and a loud noise which accompanied it.

“AHHHHHHH!” Havoc shouted in pain, as he rose to two legs and turned back to see the remains of a destroyed piano crushing his tail. “What was that for?! Damn it hurts!”

In the blink of an eye, Havoc changed into frog and then changed back to draconequus, releasing his tail. The piano had crushed it, breaking bones and tearing muscles, so he snapped his fingers and it healed in seconds.

“Are you alright?” asked Diane.

“Yes, I’m fine. You should take a look around the piano’s remains. I think it’s meant to be Turmoil’s gift wrapping.”

Diane inhaled with excitement and jumped towards the piano while Havoc checked his tail, making sure that it was completely healed.

“Weeeee!” she exclaimed, as she pulled a box from the wreckage. When she opened it, she found a necklace and a letter. The necklace, Havoc noticed, was identical to the Element of Laughter, with the metal being silver instead of gold and the balloon-shaped gem being yellow instead of blue. “Wooooh, pretty,” she said, smiling, and then she took the letter.

“Dear Diane,” she read aloud. “This necklace is charmed. If you wear it, it’ll charge itself with your natural chaotic energy, and you will be able to use the stored energy later. IT IS NOT A TOY. Use it only if your life is in danger. It’s not as powerful as the Element of Laughter, but it can be used on its own and there are many things it can do to help you.
That’s the theory, anyways, it’s the first time I make something like this so let Havoc wear it first just in case it makes the wearer’s head explode.
Until we meet again,
Turmoil.”

“Good fillies always follow the safety instructions,” she said, as she gave the necklace to the draconequus minor.

Havoc grabbed it and put it on his own neck with a grimace. “It’s taking my energy from me. Let’s give it a few seconds and then I’ll try to use it... I have never used a magic artifact, I don’t know what to do.”

“That necklace makes you look funny,” Diane commented.

Havoc snapped his fingers and his colors changed to the same pink of Diane’s coat and his hair grew into a perfect copy of hers. “Oopsie! I think I did a little-wittle mistake!”

“Pink is not your color!” she managed to say between laughs and snorts. Damn, she’s heart-attack-inducingly adorable.

“Well, now it isn’t yours, either,” he said with her voice, as he snapped his fingers to change her colors to match his.

Diane looked at her own body, and laughed again when she noticed how each of her legs had a different color. “Do it again!”

They spent five minutes laughing and being silly as Havoc used his magic to change their appearance. He had Celestia’s coat and flowing magic hair and was lecturing her on how to use the Sun to cook eggs, while she had Twilight’s colors, when he turned them back to normal. “Alright, the necklace is sort of talking to me now. It’s hard to explain, but you will surely get it as soon as you use it. I’m going to do what it says.”

Havoc frowned and an orange and black sphere of energy surrounded him. He tried to break it from the inside by punching it, but the barrier was unaffected. Then he frowned again and the barrier disappeared. “Alright, nothing exploded, so I think it’s safe. Do you want to try it?”

Havoc tried to take the necklace out of his neck, but then he noticed that he was no longer wearing it. When he looked at Diane, it already was on her neck. “How did you...? Wow.”

“Hey, you are right, she’s talking to me!” She? “Ooooh, this is soooo coooool.”

The balloon-shaped gem shone with a powerful light just before shooting a beam of pink energy as big as Diane herself aiming at Havoc. The draconequus pulled the dragonbone hammer from his back just in time to use it to split the beam in two, which narrowly missed him.

“I’M SORRY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!” Diane shouted, unable to see Havoc due to the cloud of dust that the beam had caused.

“I’m fine! I’m fine!” he shouted back. “Let’s get out of here, if anything dangerous lives nearby it must have seen that attack.”

Havoc walked out of the cloud and, after Diane climbed to his back, flew towards the sky. From the heights, they could see the extent of the destruction caused by Diane. Havoc had inadvertently protected the castle from the magic beam while protecting himself, and now it was in the middle of a V-shaped path of destruction.

“Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!” Diane apologized. “I couldn’t resist pushing the red button, it was so big and shiny, but I never wanted to harm anypony. *Gasp* Do you think I harmed any cute little animal?!”

Havoc turned his head to face her, and found that she was on the verge of tears. “Don’t worry, it’s alright. The castle scares the animals away. This morning, when I went to find breakfast, I didn’t see anything alive.”

“Are you sure?” Diane asked, sniffing.

“I’m sure. This time we were lucky and no one was harmed, but you have to be careful with that thing. Understood?” Havoc said, trying to be strict but not harsh.

“Yes, I will be careful,” Diane said, sighing.

Havoc decided to fly West. He knew that flying North he would go back to Gem Fido, and the map he had seen in Fillydelphia showed that going South he would reach a vast jungle with only a few pony settlements. He decided that East was where Fillydelphia was, as well as Pinkie’s family, so going West was his best option.

“Diane, we are going West. Do you have memories of the cities we might find if we go in that direction?”

Havoc soon realized that he had made a big mistake, as Diane went on and on and on and on about all the cities he knew west of Ponyville. He changed into dragon a few minutes after they took off, which allowed him to fly without spending magic, unlike his draconequus form. This forced him to hold Diane with his arms, as his back was covered in spines.

A few hours later, when Diane’s endless stream of words had nothing to do with Havoc’s question, he decided to ask again. “So, which city would be the best? Dredgemane?”

“Dredgemane, are you crazy? We have to go to Trottingham!”

“Are you sure you want to go to Trottingham? We can also go from one city to the next as I said yesterday.”

“Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham Trottingham,” Diane said as fast as she could, which was very fast.

“Ok, so Trottingham it is.”

Author's Note

Wow, Turmoil really likes to talk and bring up theology for no reason. I guess it's understandable, I would also be socially starved after a thousand years being only able to watch other universes without interfering in any way.

_>
<_<
At least he explained magic stuff that totally won't make Havoc grotesquely overpowered nor will be related to key plot elements.

Also, what do you guys think of Havoc's previous life as Martin Thompson, the possibly autistic accountant?

INTERMISSION 3

Prince Blueblood felt restless. It was early in the morning and he briskly trotted through Canterlot Palace’s corridors, as a slower pace would have made him arrive late to the meeting of Equestria’s nobility that was scheduled every two months. These meetings were usually boring, as more often than not only tedious issues were brought up. However, Blueblood suspected that this meeting would be different. Born and raised among Canterlot’s nobility, he had developed a sixth sense that warned him when something big was going to happen in the Palace. Today, his sense was bugging him like it hadn’t since Discord was released or the changelings crashed Cadance’s wedding. Because of this, he had spent twenty minutes more than usual combing his hair and trying to look as charming and pristine as possible, which was why he was running instead of walking. ‘If something terrible is going to happen, I would rather deal with it while looking like a proper prince, not a filthy peasant,’ he thought.

He walked into the room where the nobles awaited until Celestia and Luna appeared and started the meeting, trying to hide the fact that he was panting. The first thing he noticed was that everypony was grouped in the same corner of the room, instead of occupying the whole room. The second thing he noticed was an enormous diamond dog standing on the opposite corner of the room, staring intently at a painting and wearing a black suit with a black shirt and a white tie. The diamond dog also sported a belt with a sheathed sword around his waist. What is that ARMED beast doing here? If he’s some sort of ambassador then he should know that he can’t attend to this meeting. Hm... It seems like nopony has dared to talk to him... I will look like a coward if I do the same, but those teeth are huge... No! None of that! I am Prince Blueblood, I am not a little foal afraid of getting close to a big dog!

Blueblood slowly approached the diamond dog, his bloated ego managing to keep the fear in check. “I believe we have not been properly introduced.” He noticed that the rest of the ponies were paying close attention to him.

The diamond dog continued to stare at the painting as he talked. “I was wondering how long it would take for any of you to come and talk to me. I would have done it first, but some of them looked like they would faint if I made the slightest move. My name is Drogur, Lord of Granite Back and Sapphire Pit.”

‘So that is it. He is the leader of a diamond dog pack and he has probably come to beg for something and maybe take a few slaves on the way back while he is at it.’ Blueblood thought, his face not betraying what he was thinking. “My name is Blueblood, Prince of Equestria. I am sure that there is a solid reason for your presence here, but we the princes and lords have gathered for our bimonthly meeting.”

“Good, that is why I came here.”

Oh, great, I am going to have to explain it to him over and over again until the point drills through his thick skull. “This is a meeting of Equestria’s nobles, in which we will discuss matters of great importance and, in some cases, confidentiality. Due to this, those who aren’t nobles from Equestria can’t be in the meeting.”

“That seems reasonable, we can’t have people from other nations learning about our secrets, now can we?”

“I am glad you understand. Now, the Princesses will arrive shortly. They will probably be annoyed if they have to ask a foreigner to leave the room so we can start.”

“They most certainly will. I think that will be of little help for someone who wants something from them two.”

“Precisely.” Blueblood concluded, and waited for the total of fifteen seconds before speaking again. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Why are you still here?” Blueblood asked, annoyed.

“Because of the meeting, of course.”

Blueblood groaned. “Only Equestrian lords and royals can be in this meeting.”

“I think you have already said that. Maybe you should take a seat and rest until the princesses arrive. I’ll stay here looking at this painting. It’s hard to find such beauty in diamond dog lands.”

Blueblood decided to give up and let the princesses scold the dog for being where he shouldn’t. He joined the other ponies, who had sprawled over the entire room after Blueblood proved that Drogur wasn’t dangerous. Just as he was going to ask Lord Pendletrot about his two older twin brothers, who had suddenly disappeared a few weeks ago, a flash of light announced Celestia and Luna’s arrival. Everypony and diamond dog bowed, save for Blueblood, who wasn’t expected to do so due to his royal blood.

“Welcome, my little ponies, to Canterlot,” Celestia greeted them. “Today we have a new member among us. We have been looking forward to meeting you, Lord Drogur. We know you are very busy, but it was important that you attended to this meeting.”

‘WHAAAAAAT?!’ Blueblood thought, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. ‘A diamond dog can’t be a lord! Can he?!’

“The feeling is mutual, Princess Celestia,” Drogur replied. “I am not worthy to share a room with you, my Queen Moon.”

Luna’s neutral expression led to surprise. “Queen Moon? I have never heard such title before.”

“The legends of-” began Drogur.

“This is no time to discuss legends, Lord Drogur,” Blueblood piped in. “I have a question, though. Since when a diamond dog is a lord of Equestria?” A few ponies muttered in approval.

Celestia’s horn was enveloped with a golden light, and scrolls appeared in front of everyone. “These are copies of the royal decree in which Princess Cadance accepts the inhabitants of Granite Back as citizens of the Crystal Empire, and by extension Equestrians, and grants Drogur lordship over that domain.”

“She can do that?” Blueblood asked.

“Yes, she can. As the sovereign of the principality known as Crystal Empire, one of her powers is to name vassal lords.”

Two hours later, they were done discussing Cadance’s powers and why the other nobles didn’t have them. Then they moved to whether or not diamond dogs were considered sapient creatures such as ponies. Drogur cut that conversation short by stating that he would prove his sapience by writing a poem with the blood of anypony who dared to question it. More topics were discussed, such as what to do with the diamond dogs who lived in caves all over Equestria. By the time they were done discussing, hours had passed since Celestia and Luna moved the Sun and the Moon so the night could start. It had taken lots of explanations and sugar-coating, but most nobles had finally accepted that the diamond dogs would benefit Equestria.

“Lord Drogur,” Luna called as the nobles walked to the exit. “We would like to have some words with you in private.”

“Anything you wish, Queen Moon.”

“Why do you call me Queen Moon? I am Luna, and I am a princess.”

“Many of our legends talk about a future in which we will become a single nation under the rule of a Diamond Wolf that will become the Alpha of Alphas. They also say that the Diamond Wolf will marry the Moon herself. You were the Mare in the Moon, so it’s obvious that the Diamond Wolf will marry you, and so you are the Queen Moon.”

“Well, those legends have yet to come true, so I would appreciate that you referred to me by my proper name and title. Now, we have some questions about the draconequus known as Havoc. From what we have gathered, he lived in your warren for some time.”

“Indeed. He came to us disguised as a dog, and he quickly stood out due to his intelligence. Not that it’s hard to do that when you live with diamond dogs, I’m afraid that we aren’t famous for our great minds. In any case, I had to expel him. He was an anchor for dangerous beings.”

“That’s to be expected, given his condition,” Celestia said. “What we wanted to know is whether he was dangerous or not on his own.”

“He was as dangerous as any other powerful magician. No dog has dared to move to his cave since he left, weird things happen in there. However, during all the time he lived among my dogs he never caused any trouble. He was eccentric, yes, and sometimes strange stuff happened around him, but I don’t think he would willingly harm anyone for no reason.”

“You think he isn’t evil, then?”

“Exactly.”

“Fine, that’s good to know. Now, there is another matter we wanted to bring up...” Luna told Drogur. “Why are we in war with not one, not two, but three diamond dog clans?!”

For the first time in several years, Drogur felt scared enough to stutter. He knew of Luna’s temper, but he wasn’t expecting to feel it first-hand. “W-well, it all be-began with Sapphire Pit.”

“We know about Sapphire Pit, what we want to know is why you are fighting with Copper Depth, Marble Heart and Ebony Fang!” Luna angrily demanded.

“They are using guerrilla warfare on us. Every morning, we find dogs and ponies with their throats slit while they slept, or a devastated farm, or missing foals. When two warrens have an argument, the Alphas fight and the winner takes whatever we were fighting over. We do this because we know that a war will only weaken us and allow other warrens or a dragon to take advantage of our situation. The problem is that, as they know that I can defeat them, they have decided that siding with ponies allows them to treat me like a pony and attack all of us. The only way to end this is to defeat their Alphas and take over the warrens.”

“And then what? Fight against ten more clans?” Luna asked. “Soon they will be too much for you and Cadance to handle.”

“It’s a shame that they would resort to violence,” complained Celestia. “We can’t reach an agreement with them while they kill and kidnap our subjects, though. To make it worse, the warrens that have released their slaves to join the griffin pirates and fight against the slavers are on the other side of Gem Fido, so they can’t help... Lord Drogur, how influential is this Queen Moon legend among diamond dogs?”

“Even the proudest Alpha would surrender if a Diamond Wolf proclaimed himself Alpha of Alphas.”

“Well, we don’t have a Diamond Wolf, but his bride will do,” Celestia said, looking at Luna.

“Egads, no! We are not going to mate with a diamond dog!” she exclaimed, bewildered.

“You know it won’t come to that, Luna. Unless this legendary Diamond Wolf appears AND you consent, of course. I was only suggesting that, if you travel to the Crystal Empire and do something spectacular our enemies might consider negotiating.”

“Are you sure about this? Won’t ponies feel worried if I disappear from Canterlot? What if the changelings attack again?”

“Don’t worry about that, sister,” Celestia replied, and then she faced Drogur. “We need you to do something in return. We need scouts capable of finding diamond dog warrens, can you do something about that?”

“Any diamond dog can find warrens with ease, but I guess you want dogs capable of finding settlements and convincing the inhabitants to release their slaves and join Equestria’s society. I think I might be able to find around ten dogs smart enough to do that.”

“Ten are too few to search all over Equestria, but it will have to do, for now,” Luna said. “Now, I must prepare for the travel. You will be guided to your chambers by a Royal Guard. We will depart on the morrow.”

“Yes, Princess Luna,” Drogur replied, bowing as he left.

“Well, what do you think of him?” asked Celestia when Drogur was gone.

“We have to keep him on a shorter leash before he causes serious trouble.”

“Wow, Luna, if you think that a war with three different diamond dog clans isn’t serious then I don’t want to see serious.”

“I fear that he will drag all of us into a war against dragons. You know as well as I do that they would set the whole world ablaze if they were given a reason to fight as a nation.”

“You will be there to make sure nothing of the sort happens. I think we are on the brink of a new era, in which ponies won’t be the only inhabitants of Equestria. The diamond dogs are only the first step, and griffins could be the next. A new era of friendship among species and fundamental...” Celestia stopped mid-phrase.

“Oh no, it’s never good when you do that,” Luna commented, worried.

“Fundamental changes,” Celestia concluded as she turned to face the window, from which Canterlot’s statues garden could be seen.

“Really? So soon? I expected him to remain trapped for at least three centuries, and you think that he will break free before the current Element bearers pass away?”

“With all the chaos and changes brought by the game he started, I fear he will be free in less than a decade.”

“There must be a more permanent way to deal with him.”

“I have an idea that might work, but it's risky. Don’t worry about him, we have more urgent problems to take care of.”

AN: Yes, yes, I know. This chapter is very short and it's been long since I last updated. I fear that I won't be able to write in August, so yeah, sorry about everything. I expect to write more in September, as I am more productive when I don't have holidays. Now, I would also like to share with you some info about my particular chessverse:
Despite being non-canon, I try to stick to the canon chessverse so it’s easier for those of you who also read canon chessverse stories (that means most of you, I guess) to understand what’s going on. However, I have developed my own original ideas and I think that some of them should be explained to avoid confusions.
First, Equis itself. In Havoc’s Equis, the Changeling Wastelands are located south of Equestria, between the Great Southern Rainforest and the Volcanic Wastes. The Crystal Empire is located where the Changeling Wastelands are in the canon universe. This explains why a changeling swarm flies over Wethoof in Echo the Diamond dog, and it allows the Crystal Empire to be close to Gem Fido. The rest of the world is similar, with the desert south of the Rainforest and all of that, because as Havoc has never gone there I think that there’s no point in making changes.

Second, government. Equestria was founded by three tribes that were very different. Unicorns had feudalism, earth ponies had democracy and pegasi had stratocracy (the state and the military are the same entity). Because of this, some cities founded by earth ponies have a mayor, like Ponyville, while others are ruled by a lord, like Trottingham (the sheriff was appointed the provisional ruler by the old lord because the heir is missing). Cloudsdale, being a pegasus city, is ruled by the military (maybe a council of retired Wonderbolts? I haven’t decided it). All the cities recognise Celestia and Luna as the supreme rulers, but they princesses don’t enforce a particular government. They allow ponies to choose how to rule themselves as long as it works and everypony is happy.
Blueblood is a prince because Princess Platinum is his ancestor, whereas Cadance is a princess because she’s a descendant of the rulers of the Crystal Empire who were overthrown by Sombra. Due to this, Blueblood has only power due to his wealth and how close he is to Celestia, as he has no lands or armies to back him up.

Third, I think I have said in the story that the Crystal Empire is only the city AND that the Crystal Empire has many smaller towns surrounding the capital. I’m going to choose one and go with it until the end: the city is the capital, the Empire is the city and a couple of small villages made mostly of farmers and such. Before Sombra happened, the Empire also spanned over most of Gem Fido, and there were many crystal pony settlements on the surface that worked together with the diamond dogs.

On a related note: the lands where the three tribes of ponies lived until the windigoes attacked them are the frozen lands that surround the Crystal Empire. These lands are still plagued by windigoes, but they didn’t appear because Sombra was powerful enough to scare them away, or the emo spell he used on the crystal ponies made the windigoes unable to feed on their misery, or something. Now they can’t attack the Crystal Empire because the Crystal Heart protects the land from them. The presence of windigoes explains why the Frozen Lands that surround the Crystal Empire are frozen, whereas Gem Fido is only a cold place. The crystal ponies were originally earth ponies ruled by mortal alicorns (Cadance’s ancestors) who refused to join the other ponies when they decided to move to Equestria, and they “evolved” after centuries living under the influence of the Crystal Heart.

18: The Merry Mares

Havoc, still disguised as the unicorn Golden Shower, rose a table with his magic to cover himself from the archers that were aiming at him. He was sure that their arrows wouldn’t kill him, unlike some of the things that had been shot at him a few minutes before, but the damage would turn him back to his true form. In that case, he would be forced to leave the town and start again with a new disguise, or leave no witnesses alive. “I can’t believe I got involved in this,” he muttered to himself. “I just wanted to find a home for Diane and me, and then this happens…” Havoc trotted back to the inside of the castle as he reminisced the events that led to his current predicament over the previous three months.

Time had flown by for Havoc and Diane as they got used to their new life in Trottingham. Havoc had soon learned that ponies were awful at managing their own money, and that Equestria’s economy was much simpler than Earth’s one. Some of the ponies who had asked him for help had only needed a scold and being told that, if taxes rose and their income didn’t, they had to spend less money so they could pay the new taxes. Others were in need of real help, such as Butterball. His restaurant was making a profit again, but it had required all of Havoc’s and Diane’s efforts to make it happen. Butterball had been extremely grateful to them, and he had brought many of his friends to Golden Shower so he could help them, too. From that point, more and more ponies had started to ask for his advising, and soon he was making enough to pay his own debts and taxes. Many of them were on the verge of losing their home due to the abusive taxes that Bruce Mayne had established, so Golden Shower was their last resort.

“This system is unsustainable,” Havoc had explained to Diane one day, after meeting with half a dozen of ponies who had no way to keep up with the insane taxes. “The money taken by the city is hoarded instead of invested on what’s needed. The insane taxes and duties make ponies tend to save money and only spend it when they need to, as these taxes make everything more expensive. Money must move, a city with millions of bits stored in safes will have a economy as bad as one without those bits, as many business will fail in both because nopony wants to pay so much money for things that used to be way cheaper. The worst part is that, according to the city’s laws, everypony must pay the same base amount, no matter how poor or rich they are.The poorest ponies have already lost their houses, while the rich ones are only slightly annoyed by the raise of the cost of living. Before long, this Robin Hood fellow will have a lot of ponies willing to follow him, and shit will happen.”

On the second week since their arrival, Havoc decided to try to convince Bruce Mayne to make some changes. The batpony had received him, patiently listened to what he had to say, and proceeded to ignore all of his suggestions.

Diane ended up working for Butterball in his restaurant’s kitchen, which had become too demanding for a single pony with the increase in customers. As a result, she spent the evenings working in The Happy Gourmet, while Havoc worked at home, where he had set up an office. This routine was only broken by Diane’s parties, which she organised at least twice a week. Havoc was surprised to find that he enjoyed being Golden Shower and living in Trottingham. Sure, life was a bit more monotone here than in Granite Back, and Equestria didn’t have Internet, but Diane was funnier than Derpibooru, and more huggable than any computer in the world.

A month after they moved to Trottingham, Diane and Golden Shower were invited to a party that, surprisingly, hadn’t been prepared by Diane herself. The gathering had been set up by the town’s cider suppliers, who were distant relatives of Ponyville’s Apple family, and it took place in one of their barns in the town’s outskirts. Havoc found that none of the ponies he had helped were there. In fact, most ponies were members of the town’s high class.

“Well, this isn’t the kind of party I expected to take place in a barn,” Diane whispered to Havoc’s ear.

“Eeyup,” Havoc replied. “At least we aren’t naked,” he added, as she was wearing Turmoil’s necklace and he was wearing a red tie he had bought a few days before.

Hours passed with both Havoc Diane having fun and meeting new ponies. Everypony was having a good time, but then the Merry Mares attacked. Without warning, four pegasi flew through the barn’s windows and ten more barged in through the door. All of them were armed, the ones on the windows with bows and the ones on the door with swords and knives, and they were all mares. One of them, a green coated pegasus, with a blue mane and two crossed arrows for a cutie mark walked towards the ponies who were now crowded in the center of the barn. She was wearing a green hat with a red feather, a sword, a bow and a quiver full of arrows.

“I am Robin Hoof, and these are the Merry Mares,” she announced. “Give us your money and jewelry and nopony will be harmed.”

“What is the meaning of this?!” asked Bramley, the owner of the farm. “You have gone too far this time. Don’t you steal enough from the travellers that cross the forest?”

“Silence,” Robin Hoof barked back. “You can leave this barn without money or you can leave it without money and without a couple of teeths, your choice.”

One of the Merry Mares walked towards the victims with a bag, in which everypony was forced to put all their valuable belongings. At first, Havoc felt annoyed, as he didn’t carry anything that could be stolen. and his main concern was that the party would probably be cancelled. Then, he remembered that Diane was wearing her magic necklace.

“The only thing I have is this tie,” Havoc told the mare with the bag when she stopped in front of him, and she grunted in annoyance.

“I can’t give you this,” Diane exclaimed when the mare stopped in front of her. “It’s a present from a friend.”

“Too bad! Put it in the bag or I’ll do it myself,” the pegasus mare replied, frowning.

“No.”

The mare raised a hoof to punch Diane in the face, but Diane’s necklace shot a magic beam that turned the mare into a frog. As soon as this happened, Havoc hugged Diane with both hooves and they both teleported out of the barn.

“Run you crazy mare!” he told Diane as he galloped towards the city.

Two minutes after they started running, they were grabbed by two pegasi each, who quickly gained height.

“Don’t squirm or you will fall to your death!” one of the pegasi shouted. Havoc considered breaking his transformation and killing the pesky mares, but then he remembered Luna’s warning and that Robin Hood is the good guy in all the stories, so he allowed one of the mares to blindfold him and take him deeper into the forest.

Twenty minutes later they landed and the blindfolds were taken away from them. Havoc and Diane found themselves in an improvised encampment crowded by mares. Twenty or so were staring at them, some of them armed. Another fifty mares were minding their own business, most of them sitting around small fireplaces.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t miss Magic-Necklace and mister Teleport,” Robin Hoof said as she landed in front of Havoc and Diane. “I don’t know if what you did back there was prompted by bravery or stupidity. In any case, I know who you are. You are Golden Shower, the stallion who’s been telling ponies what to do with their money so they won’t lose it. If only you weren’t making so much money from that I would say your efforts are admirable.”

“What choice do we have? We don’t live in the forest, so we have to pay those insane taxes like everypony,” Havoc said. “Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is a temporary solution at best.”

“So what would you do?”

“It’s simple, we get rid of the batpony.”

“If it’s so easy why haven’t you done it already?” asked Robin Hoof.

“Because I don’t have the power to do such a thing, I’m just a unicorn and he has a castle and the town’s guard under his command.”

“Yes, only a unicorn who can teleport better than many students from Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns, and who lives with a mare with a enchanted necklace powerful enough to cast polymorphing spells. I wonder… What should we do with the two of you?” Robin Hoof said, changing the subject. “Hm… We need more safe houses in Trottingham. The slums are becoming dangerous, there are too many guards patrolling them since last week. Let’s make a deal: I let you return to Trottingham instead of taking you as hostages, and you let my mares hide in your house whenever they need to.”

Back in the present, Havoc had managed to find Diane in the dinner hall of the castle. She was using her necklace to turn anypony that tried to harm her into a random critter. “Diane, there’s a new plan! Bruce Mayne is chasing us one by one with his magic weapon, we have to stay together and defeat him!”

“Bitch I’m BATMAN! I’m going to kick your ass back to English folklore with balefire!” the voice of Bruce Mayne boomed, and then a wall of the hall where Havoc and Diane were standing was cut in two by a beam of white fire.

“Run! I have seen what that thing can do to a pony! I don’t know how could he find a weapon that fires balefire but we can’t let it touch us! It comes from a book series where it’s almost unstoppable and being touched by it means instant death!” Havoc told Diane as they ran away. ‘Batman?! English folklore?! So that’s why he can use balefire, he must be another human! … What a jerk! He must know that the sheriff of Nottingham was the bad guy in Robin Hood’s story and now he’s being as evil as he was!’

Diane and Havoc continued running until they found Little Jane, Robin Hoof’s second-in-command, and three more mares.

“Little Jane, I have the key for Comet’s horn!” Diane exclaimed. “We have to find her!”

“Alright, we are going to look for her!” Little Jane replied. “We can’t risk facing Bruce Mayne while he still has his weapon, so move in silence and keep your ears open!”

As they darted through the corridors, Havoc’s mind went back to that morning.

Since the day Diane and Havoc met Robin Hoof, Havoc’s bedroom became the only place where he could return to his natural form without being discovered by the Merry Mares, as at least four of them hid in his house every week, sometimes for several days. It wasn’t long before Bruce Mayne’s guards noticed that the Merry Mares they were chasing managed to lose them around Golden Shower’s house, so it started to raise suspicion. And so, Havoc had always guests in his house, either Merry Mares that were hiding or guards that were trying to find signs of their activities. The latter also forced him to get rid of the chaos domain in his bedroom so they wouldn’t discover it if they ever decided to register the room. It was very stressing, and to make it even worse Diane decided to join the Merry Mares because she "wanted to meet mares of her age". Everything would have spiralled out of control way sooner if the guards and thieves hadn't feed Havoc enough chaos to keep him stable with their hiding and seeking.

The morning of the day in which Havoc ended up hiding from a batpony that could use balefire was pretty normal. Havoc and Diane had breakfast, he opened his office and she went to Butterball’s restaurant. It was around noon when a pegasus mare crashed through the office’s window, startling Havoc and his customer.

“... How may I help you?” Havoc asked.

“The guards caught Diane and three more mares when they were trying to sneak into the castle and Bruce Mayne has decided to punish them for their crimes by pulling their teeth out so they won’t be able to steal things anymore!” she cried.

“When?” Havoc asked with no hint of emotion in his voice

“As soon as the sun sets!”

“Pokey Hill,” Havoc called his client. “I think you won’t need to worry about taxes anymore. The sheriff is going to die today. Leave.” The pony nodded and ran out of the house. Havoc then turned to face the Merry Mare. “You, where is Robin Hoof now?”

“In the camp.”

Havoc continued talking with no emotion behind his voice. “This place isn’t safe anymore, we must leave before the guards arrive to take me for being an accomplice of Diane. Tell Robin that I’m going to enter the castle, release the prisoners and kill Bruce Mayne. I could use some help.”

“Are you sure…?”

“JUST GO AND TELL HER!” he shouted. “I WON’T LET THAT SON OF A BITCH LAY A FINGER ON DIANE! I’m going to make him regret the day his father first looked at his mother!”

The mare quickly nodded and flew away, too startled to point out that ponies didn’t have fingers, while Havoc took heavy breaths, trying to keep his anger under control to maintain his pony transformation. A few hours later, a roughed up pegasus showed up in Trottingham’s castle, stating that he had been robbed by the Merry Mares and that he wanted to see the ones they had caught be punished. The pegasus also said that he wanted to take a look around the castle, as he had always lived in Cloudsdale and wanted to see a stone castle from the inside, so they allowed him to do so. Most of the guards who saw him thought that he wasn’t the brightest tool in the shed, as he spent the day staring at the walls and zoning out from time to time. As you all probably know already, this pegasus was Havoc. When the guards stopped paying attention to him, he made his first move.

Havoc walked towards Diane’s location, which he guessed thanks to the chaos she created just by being Diane. He soon found himself approaching the dungeons, and when the guard who made sure nopony entered them without permission tried to stop him Havoc knocked him out with a magic-enhanced headbutt. The impact made his head turn back to its draconequus form, so he allowed the transformation to fully revert itself and, using his superior size and strength, pulled the door off its hinges. Then he turned back to Golden Shower, took the keys from the unconscious guard, realized he could have used them to open the door instead of breaking it, and walked into the dungeons while berating himself for making such a mistake.

Diane and the other three Merry Mares were all in the same cell. Havoc recognised them from the time they had spent hiding in his home, and was glad to see that none of them had been harmed. Mary was a red coated pegasus with a short blond mane, whose cutie mark was a dark cloud raining. Her dangerous combination of desire of protagonism and clumsiness had forced her to hide in Havoc and Diane’s house more than any of the others. Havoc knew little about Comet Tail, but the dark blue unicorn with a comet as a cutie mark and a long silvery mane was rumored to be Trottingham's most powerful unicorn. She had a ring around her horn which was blocking her magic. The last mare was the leader of the group. Snowy Peak was a pegasus that always seemed to be unfazed by the events around her. Havoc was certain that she hadn't even flinched when the guards caught her. Her cutie mark of a snowflake, her gray coat and a black mane were as cold and pale as her emotions.

"See? I told you somepony would rescue us!" Diane smugly told the others.

"Where are the others?" Snowy Peak asked.

"Oh, wow! It’s Golden Shower, he’s come to save us!” Havoc replied with his best imitation of a damsel in distress' voice. It was an awful imitation. “Let’s just ask him about the others instead of, I don’t know, thanking him!” He coughed and went back to his normal voice. “Anyways, how did you get caught in the first place?”

“Long story short: an unicorn guard felt magic coming from my necklace and when he tried to scan it with his horn it went all floppy. Then they arrested us and some of them recognized Mary and they discovered that we were Merry mares.”

“I’m tired of this shit. This is what I’m going to do: I’m going to teleport you out of the castle and then do what you should have done months ago: kill Bruce Mayne.”

“I thought Diane was the crazy one of the two,” Snowy Peak replied.

“Hey!” Diane exclaimed.

“But I was wrong,” she continued. “You are worse than her. How are you planning to go past Bruce’s guards and then kill him?”

“It’s simple, I’ll wait until they sound the alarm and then I’ll attack him. He won’t expect some thieves that are trying to escape from the castle to attack him instead.”

“Try to recover my necklace while you are at it,” Diane asked. “It was taken by the flaccid unicorn. His cutie mark was a red shield with three arrows stuck to it.”

“I’ll see to it.” Havoc replied, and then his horn glowed as he prepared to teleport everypony out of the castle.

“Wait, you idiot!” Comet Tail shouted. “This dungeon is coated with magic detecting spells! You could trigger one of them and then everypony would know we are trying to escape!”

“Shit!” Havoc cursed as he cancelled his spell. They all waited in silence for about ten seconds. “Well, I think I didn’t trigger any al-”

Think again, faggot.

“Horsefeathers!" Mary shouted. "I'm not going down without fighting!"

"Calm yourselves," Snowy Peak said, raising her voice above the alarm. “We must move fast. I know the shortest way out of the castle, so you will follow me. Golden, your job is to keep a barrier to protect us from arrows and magic. I’m going to take Comet Tail and Mary is going to take Diane and we’ll fly out of here as soon as possible.”

“Can’t we just pull that ring out of Comet’s horn?” Havoc asked.

Comet Tail raised and eyebrow. “You are welcome to try, but I know few unicorns powerful enough to remove one of these without the key, and you will regret it if you touch it.”

Havoc frowned as he focused on the ring, trying to feel the spell that was keeping it glued to the horn. A dog would have more chances of learning to read than Havoc of understanding how the spell worked. He considered simply saturating it with chaos magic and hoping it would destroy the spell, but the chances of it exploding and blowing Comet’s head were just as likely, so he gave up.

“I guess the unicorn who took the necklace is also the one with the key?” he asked instead.

“Probably, there’s only a few unicorn guards in the castle,” Snowy answered. “Now let’s move!”

The following minutes were very confusing for Havoc. His magic wasn’t really meant to create stable barriers, and he had to focus on it while running and taking sharp turns to avoid groups of guards. When they finally reached the castle’s inner courtyard, dozens of guards were fighting against a group of mares that greatly outnumbered them.

“There they are! Squads three and four, surround them and protect them!” Robin Hoof’s voice shouted from the center of the mares’ group.

For the next minutes Havoc used his magic against seemingly endless amounts of guards, each sleeping spell getting him closer to the point when he would be too weak to keep his transformation active. He was receiving lots of chaos energy from the battle, but it wasn’t enough to compensate using the same spell over and over again. He was considering falling to the ground as if he was unconscious when he found that there were no more guards around for him to put to sleep.

“They are trying to retreat to the castle and let us outside!” Robin shouted. “Follow them and don’t let them close the doors!”

The Merry Mares had only so much military training, so they soon scattered all over the castle. Havoc decided to go alone so he could use his real powers without blowing his cover. He changed his appearance to that of a cute and innocent looking earth pony maidservant so he wouldn’t be attacked until he could find and kill Bruce Mayne and galloped towards the tower keep, where he hoped he would find Bruce. After reaching the tower keep Havoc took a sharp turn on a corridor and found himself face to face with Bruce Mayne himself. The bat winged pony was wearing a dark blue armor, and a white metallic armband shaped like a Chinese dragon was coiled around most of his right foreleg, its open maw resting near the front part of his hoof.

"What are you doing here?!" He barked. "You aren't a guard, so why aren't you hiding in the dungeons with the others?"

"I-I-I got l-lost!" Havoc squealed. "I'm scared please protect me!"

Bruce groaned. "Try to find a place to hide and don't leave it unless you are sure it's safe. Now stay out of my sight!"

"O-okay," Havoc whimpered.

Bruce walked past him and Havoc prepared to fire a magic beam strong enough to pierce Bruce’s armor and evaporate his brain. Just as he fired it towards Bruce, the batpony was hit by an arrow that got stuck on the right side of his armor and which made him trip and fall to the ground. The magic beam harmlessly soared right above Bruce’s head and Bruce stared at it with wide eyes for half a second before jumping to the air and flying away.

“Damn it!” Havoc cursed, turning back to Golden Shower. “Who was the genius that fired that arrow?!”

Robin Hoof and another mare flew towards Golden Shower, both of them carrying bows. “Damn! I couldn’t see you from my position! Follow me! We can’t let him escape!”

“Who said I was trying to escape?!” Bruce shouted from the end of the hall. He was pointing at them with his right hoof, and the eyes of the white dragon were shining. “Die!”

A straight beam of blinding white magic was shot by the dragon’s mouth. The three ponies jumped to dodge it, and it made a circle-shaped hole in the floor as if it was made of hot butter. Bruce fired the weapon again, this time making an horizontal move with his leg so the beam would sweep the corridor. Havoc tried to block the beam with a barrier, but when his magic was touched by Bruce’s the spell simply disappeared, as if he had never created a barrier. He barely managed to duck so the beam wouldn’t hit him, but the mare that accompanied Robin wasn’t so lucky. As soon as the white magic touched her, her colors seemed to reverse for an instant and then she was gone. She didn’t even become ashes or smoke, she simply stopped existing.

“Run?” Havoc asked.

“Run,” Robin Hoof answered, and she crashed through a window as Havoc teleported out of the tower. He found that he had teleported to the castle’s barracks, where the guards lived and rested when they were on duty. Luckily for him, they were rather empty since most guards were in the castle fighting the Merry Mares. He ran towards the exit, resolved to find Diane so he could protect her from Bruce’s weapon, and the guards, and anything else that could harm her. Havoc finally left the barracks and returned to the castle’s courtyard, and as soon as he did he rose a table with his magic to cover himself from the archers that were aiming at him. He was sure that their arrows wouldn’t kill him, unlike Bruce’s weapon, but the damage would turn him back to his true form in the open where anypony could see him. “I can’t believe I got involved in this,” he muttered to himself. “I just wanted to find a home for Diane and me, and then this happens…” Havoc trotted back to the inside of the castle as he reminisced the events that led to his current predicament over the previous three months.

He didn’t find any guard until he reached the castle’s dinner hall and found Diane. She had recovered her necklace and was using it to turn anypony that tried to harm her into a random critter. “Diane, there’s a new plan! Bruce Mayne is chasing us one by one with his magic weapon, we have to stay together and defeat him!”

“Bitch I’m BATMAN! I’m going to kick your ass back to English folklore with balefire!” the voice of Bruce Mayne boomed, and then a wall of the hall where Havoc and Diane were standing was cut in two by a beam of white fire.

“Run! I have seen what that thing can do to a pony! I don’t know how could he find a weapon that fires balefire but we can’t let it touch us! It comes from a book series where it’s almost unstoppable and being touched by it means instant death!” Havoc told Diane as they ran away. ‘Batman?! English folklore?! So that’s why he can use balefire, he must be another human! … What a jerk! He must know that the sheriff of Nottingham was the bad guy in Robin Hood’s story and now he’s being as evil as he was!’

Diane and Havoc continued running until they found Little Jane, Robin Hoof’s second-in-command, and three more mares.

“Little Jane, I have the key for Comet’s horn!” Diane exclaimed. “We have to find her!”

“Alright, we are going to look for her!” Little Jane replied. “We can’t risk facing Bruce Mayne while he still has his weapon, so move in silence and keep your ears open!”

As they darted through the corridors, Havoc’s mind went back to that morning. He was about to remember when he remembered what happened to him three months earlier when he was brought back to the present by Diane.

“Golden! This key must be activated with magic and you are the only unicorn around!” she told him, giving it to him with one hoof and pointing at Comet Tail with the other while balancing herself on two legs.

Havoc immediately felt the key’s magic, and somehow knew that it would open the ring as soon as he applied a bit of magic to both at the same time. The ring opened itself and fell to the floor and Comet sighed with relief as her horn was enveloped by a purple aura.

“You don’t miss magic until you can’t use it,” she commented. “Now, does anypony know anything about that magic weapon that the sheriff Mayne is using?”

“It fires these white fire beams that are unstoppable,” Havoc explained. “He called them ‘balefire’. I tried to stop one with my magic and it wasn’t affected by it. It flies through matter and magic alike as if they weren’t there, and being hit by it is lethal even if it only grazes you.”

“We need to take him down before he kills more ponies,” Little Jane said. “Comet, Golden Shower, you two must attack him with all you’ve got. I will distract him so you can focus on your spells.”

Havoc and Comet Tail nodded, and just as they were about to run in search of Bruce Mayne the corridor was sliced by a vertical slash of balefire and Robin Hoof jumped through the newly created opening.

“Get away from here! He’s after me!” she warned them as she fired an arrow towards the cut from which she came from.

A loud metallic noise came from behind the sliced wall, and a few seconds later Bruce Mayne jumped through it, breathing raggedly. Despite being bleeding from a couple of minor wounds, and having an arrow stuck to his left wing, Bruce seemed to be angrier and more dangerous than ever.

“Die!” he growled as he aimed at Robin with his weapon. Comet Tail teleported to his back and tackled him, only to teleport both of them away before he could fire more balefire.

“Damn!” Robin Hoof cursed. “Golden Shower! Please tell me you know how to teleport us to their location!”

“I’ll try,” Havoc replied. He inspected the traces of magic that Comet Tail had left when she teleported, and found that he had no idea where she had gone. Then he noticed that he could also feel the first teleport she had done to tackle Bruce, and after taking a look at the origin, the destination and the magical link between them it made sense to him. Looking back at the second teleport with his new knowledge, he felt that they had moved many kilometers to the North, probably to the forest. He also realized that he didn’t have enough magic to teleport more than two ponies, and even then he would struggle to keep up his disguise afterwards.

“I can follow them,” he said. “But I can only teleport me and another pony.”

“I’ll go,” Robin said, and she stared at the others, daring them to say complain. “As soon as we’re there I want you to protect Comet Tail while I fight Bruce.” Havoc nodded and began focusing on the teleport as Robin got next to him. A flash of golden light enveloped them and in a blink they were surrounded by trees.

A small beam of balefire soared a meter above their heads and, when they turned to face the origin of the attack, they saw Bruce quickly firing his weapon against Comet Tail, who teleported away from the beams while attacking Bruce with fireballs that Bruce destroyed with balefire. Bruce Mayne noticed the newcomers and moved his weapon in an horizontal arc as it shot balefire. Havoc instinctively turned to draconequus to jump above the balefire. This surprised Bruce enough to make him stop attacking and stare at Havoc, so the draconequus minor snapped his fingers and the surrounding trees came to life, firing their now razor-sharp leaves at Bruce, who began to run in a zigzag pattern as soon as he noticed that he was being cut by the seemingly harmless leaves.

“I’ll explain it after we’re done with Bruce!” Havoc shouted to Comet Tail and Robin Hoof, who were as surprised as the batpony.

“THAT’S IT!” Bruce Mayne shouted, foaming at the mouth and his feline eyes contracted. “I’M GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU, YOU FUCKING CARTOON HORSES!” Bruce rose his right foreleg and balefire came from the mouth of the dragon coiled around it, creating a sphere of balefire around him.

“That can’t be good,” Havoc said to himself.

The sphere faded, revealing something that used to be Bruce Mayne. Many ponies say that batponies, or thestrals, are pegasi with a bit of dragon blood in them. The creature that was Bruce Mayne seemed to be a dragon with a bit of pony blood. The dragon weapon had disappeared, and Bruce was now twice as big as he was before the transformation, and his body was covered by white scales. He still stood on four extremities, but his four hooves had become claws and his tail was no longer made of hair. His red eyes seemed to lack pupils and irises, and his teeth were as sharp as those of a real dragon.

“You have forced me to turn into a baledragon,” it said without a trace of the rage that possessed him moments before. “This transformation is permanent, I can’t change back. I’m going to make all of you regret it.”

“... Bale dragon?” Havoc asked. “You are not a bale dragon. THIS is a bale dragon.” He snapped his fingers and a fake dragon made of bales of hay appeared between him and Bruce.

Bruce Mayne opened his mouth and he breathed balefire, which Havoc managed to dodge by turning into owl. “You won’t be able to joke when I burn your very existence from the universe,” Bruce threatened.

‘Damn, why do they always have to transform into something even more dangerous? It’s almost as if I was a character in a bad story!’ Havoc asked himself as Bruce breathed more balefire.

Author's Note

So, yeah, balefire. I think that reading 10 books of the Wheel of Time series between the last chapter and this one has something to do with that.

I'm sorry for not updating in so much time, but I barely wrote during August and this chapter has been really hard to write. I expect to update sooner next time.

19: Hey, What's This?

S͟҉̻̣̞̹͞o̸̩̰̳̘̯̯͖̟̺̲͚̞̗̼̜͙̤̕.̸̡̨̨̗̱̳͈̱͇̠͇̩̦̗̻̤͟.̛͍̮͍̼̲͎̱̗̰͚͖̞́́.̤̙̮̻̙̭̼͠ ̢̥̪̫̤͎̰̝̝̦͇̠̝̦̺̭̲̳͜͜͠͝ͅT̢͖̯͈͍̱͖̫͈̻̟̺̞̩̀͝h̨́͜͢͏̳̹̮̠̦͖̹̫̬̙̻̞ͅi̶͇̮̦̦͈͎͎̤̦̯͟ś̸̡̰̺͙̞̠̖̥̳͖̱̗̠̺͖̝͉̙ ̛҉̴͇̘̖̹̣̪̞̦̩̥͘ͅi̡̨͓͚̬͙͉̖̗͇̦s̛̜̗̞̬͎̩̩̤͚̺̮͍͡ ̴̶̡̢͖̺̯͔̪̺̼̥͕͕͖̣̺͉̦̭̰̀ͅͅw̡̫̮̲͎h̷̨͍̠̺͖̮̯͡ͅa̸̛̛͉̤̠͕͇͖͕̫͖̖͠t̞̝̞̠̳̤̘͇̱̥̀ͅ ̵̢͓̠̥̜̦̯̯̜̤̩͝͡D̶̺̣̰̫̬̕i̸͈̙̘̟͓̗͓̤̲̦͍͞s̷̨̡̡̤̣̙̞̞̭̬̣͉͕̣̠͎̞h̷͔̫̹̝̼̥̹̙̱͔a̢̧̨̹͎̲̭̼͖̬̭͠r̘̻̫͖̝̩̣͕͖̭͢m̨̛̞͕̟̦͙̻̤ò̢͉͉͚͖͇̲n̡̛̞̦͚̻̖̝̮̰̼̪͉̹̝̗̥͝y̶̶̹͎͖͎̭͕͕̯̠̜͘͘͡ ̛̞͚̻̱͚̼͠͝h̡͝͏̛̫̜͍̯͇̪a҉̝̻̟͓̠̟̗͈̞̗̖̝̬̲̲͎̜̻͞s̠̮̹̯̳̟͉̼̥̙͟͝ͅͅ ҉̨͖̦̘̩̠̫̲͙͕ͅb̡̖̳̗̳͞e̯̥̺̼̠̰͚̤͉͝͠e̴͟͢͝҉͕̙̭̜͍͉͍̝̙͕ń̲̩̘̪̮̲͓̯̗̮̤̱͚̳̣͓̝́͢ ̶̵́͞͏̤̩͖͚̱̜̬̟̥͙͉̮̠̺͍̟̻̖̤d̛̮̼͖̥̫͕ò̸̷̶͍̘̠̣̲̣͎̜ͅͅi̸̶̧̛̛͚͉̥̩͇̣̞̫̫͖̮̘̘̲̤̞͔ń̢͈̘̬̦̳̙̟̖̘̠̘͔̤̹͢͞g̨͏̴̢̠͙̮̪̤͇̟͚̗̝̝͍͚̖̫̳̜͠ ̞̱̗̰͔̺̞͟͡f̧̢̟͍̮̫͕̼͓͎͍̪́o̶̼̟̯̲͔͙̤̫͍̯̺͙͍̬̦͎̝͟ŗ̧̧̣̠̳̪͚͇̻ ҉̷̶̜̗̼̼̹̲̣̙̭̫̝̣̺̣͔͉̭̺͟t̷̛̤͍̰̞̜͎͕̝͙̰͝h̢̀͏͔͚͓͉͍̪̹͈͇̙̙ͅe̴͎̰̣̗̣͕͕͖͖̖̻̖̹̬͘͢ͅ ̶̴̤̬͉̠̪̮̦̝̩͔̳̖̦͙̲̣̀͢ͅl͏̴̘̻͓̼̬͇̘̬̜̺̗̖̜̰̟͈̬͍͘͜͡á̷̢͈͙̟͉̩͙̤̣̜͈̖̹͇̹̹͡ͅs͟͏̴͈̯̤̬̰̩̬̘̘̝̦̱̬̞̦͜t̘̲͕͎̬̼͞͞ ͏̕͠͏̟̟̯̺̖͚̮̮̺̝̤̥͎̲ͅs̭̣̮͟͞i̶̧̠͉̲̪̜̞̗̭͔̱̙͙͉̙̥͠x̷̤̣͔̳̰̺̙͜͟͜ ̶̮̱͙͔͙̱̪̺̪̬͖̺̹͔̩̬̝̞̝͡ṃ̷̭̯̣͎̦͉̠͎̖̳̪͘o̷̴̸̭͍̠͜n̛͟͏̛̰͙̜̩̪̟̲̟ͅͅţ̴͏͙̣̼̮̩̲͇̲̝̪̞͓̞̠h҉̰̬͕̮̞̞̝̞̰̟͍̥͜s̵̨͚̮̠͔̱̠̝̟͎̦͚̕͟?̶̵̛͈͈͓͚̝̩̖̗̞̹͔̭̲̬̼̗͠

…

... Wait, this is uploading my thoughts to fimfiction.net and bronies can read it? Wow, this is really something! Hey guys, it's me, Turmoil! You probably have many questions, like what am I doing here or where's Disharmony. I think that resuming Havoc's story where Disharmony left it will clear most doubts. Also, I have always wanted to be a narrator. Alright, let's begin!

Havoc summoned the black axe that had been gifted to him by yours truly and tried to block Bruce's balefire with its edge, making sure that the magic beam would only destroy a small portion of the weapon if it failed to block it. Luckily for Havoc, his axe's antimagic properties overcame balefire’s existence-erasing properties, so the balefire was blocked and the axe wasn’t damaged.

“Impossible!” Bruce exclaimed.

“Nothing is impossible for a draconequus,” Havoc replied as he charged towards the Bruce Mayne, and then he stopped. “Wait, I am a draconequus because I’m part dragon part pony. Alright, I don’t have any pony part but whatever. The thing is, you are also part dragon part pony, shouldn’t you be also a draconequus? Or a dracony? Dracopony?”

A blast of ice hit Bruce on the side and Comet Tail shouted at Havoc. “Stop playing around and fight!” Then she fired another ice blast at Bruce.

Bruce opened his powerful wings and took flight, hiding behind the trees. Robin flew after him and Havoc did the same after placing Comet Tail on her back.

"Congratulations," he said. "You have been promoted to horse artillery. Fire at him and I will protect you."

[OMG GUYZ HE'S DOING WHAT GRIFFIN DOES WITH TRIXIE!!1!!]

"I'll fall!" she shrieked, trying to keep herself on his back by hugging him with her legs. Havoc snapped his fingers and his back's fur became velcro hooks, while Comet's belly fur became velcro loops.

Soon after they began chasing Bruce it became clear that Havoc was too big and clumsy to keep up with the ‘baledragon’. He didn’t have enough magic left to improve his speed, as normal flight with a pony on his back already forced him to spend most of the chaos energy he was taking from his surroundings. I mean, how is a creature as heavy as a bear supposed to fly just by flapping two wings that are slightly larger than his arms? Of course you need magic to make yourself airborne, just like pegasi or griffins. Flapping your wings as a draconequus only serves as a way to use your magic without thinking about it or to make small corrections in your trajectory, and… Wait, I shouldn’t be ranting about how magic works. I am supposed to be the narrator, I should show, not tell and all of that…

...This is harder than I thought…

Anyways, Havoc was struggling not to lose Bruce Mayne and Robin Hoof, forcing himself to fly faster and dodging the trees that seemed to intentionally step on his way. That thought gave him an idea. Using the last drops of magic that Dishamony’s seal allowed him to spend , he made the trees come to life and try to tackle Bruce. The result was so chaotic and confusing everyone that he received enough chaos energy to keep up for a couple of extra minutes. When Bruce was forced to stop by two trees who jumped at him at the same time, Robin Hoof aimed and hit one of his wings with an arrow. The projectile opened a hole on the delicate membrane that covered it, forcing him to land. Comet Tail took the opportunity and released a barrage of magic beams, each one a different size and color. Some of the beams seemed to hurt Bruce, but most were shrugged off by his scales.

“His scales aren’t as strong as a real dragon’s!” Comet shouted to Havoc’s ear so he could hear her over the noise caused by the wind. “They are as physically tough as the real deal, but their magic resistance is worse!”

Havoc nodded and breathed a cloud of propane when he soared over Bruce, and then he ignited it by throwing a Bunsen burner at it. The resulting explosion unleashed a wave of hot air that singed Havoc’s fur before Comet Tail could make a barrier around them. Havoc decided to fly in circles around the calcined area that now surrounded Bruce. Comet Tail attacked Bruce with deep purple beams of magic that scorched his scales when they hit him, while Bruce’s balefire was deflected by Havoc’s axe. This went on for a couple of seconds, until Bruce roared and released a wave of balefire too large for Havoc to block with his axe. Because of this, he poured some chaos magic into his weapon until its flat side became large enough for him and Comet to cover behind it as the balefire flew around them. When Havoc returned the axe to its normal size he noticed that a large portion of the ground under and behind him had disappeared, creating a canyon.

“We should really kill him before he is done destroying the forest,” Havoc commented as he charged Bruce.

The dragon-like creature allowed Havoc to tackle him, and the draconequus realized he had made a mistake. Bruce Mayne transformation had made him nearly as big as Havoc, and when his dragon claws seized his throat Havoc discovered that Bruce was physically superior to him. Bruce’s grip around his neck was too tight for Havoc to breath, so he replied by trying to choke Bruce back with his own hands as he used his magic reserves to replace breathing. Havoc’s wooden arm wasn’t strong enough to completely choke Bruce, but it prevented him from breathing balefire, as Bruce learned when he tried to blow Havoc’s head with it. Bruce beat his wings in order to make Havoc fall on his back, then he tried to bite him and claw at him with his feet’s claws. As Bruce’s talons mauled Havoc’s belly, Havoc replied by clawing Bruce’s face with his diamond dogs claws. Bruce’s scales were no match to the claws that were designed to cut diamonds, so they bore deep wounds on the side of his face. This made Bruce stop his attack as he realized that he also had sharp claws and he was trying to choke Havoc with his fingertips instead of simply slicing his throat. Then he did just that, to which Havoc immediately replied by turning into his teen dragon form before the blood loss would kill him. Havoc’s change of shape and size made Bruce lose his balance atop him, and Havoc rose his head to bite Bruce in the neck before he could recover.

Havoc’s transformation also released Comet Tail, who had been stuck to his back until then and had been forced to dig a hole on the ground with her magic to avoid being crushed by Havoc and Bruce’s weight during the ten seconds that had passed since they fell on her. As soon as she fell to the bottom of the hole she had been hanging over she teleported out of it and found a brown dragon biting Bruce’s neck as the former batpony clawed at his opponent’s neck. Comet Tail charged a freezing spell as powerful as she could manage and encased Bruce’s legs and tail in a block of solid ice. The brown dragon noticed this and released Bruce’s neck, which only had small dents from which tiny droplets of blood fell to the ground. The brown dragon turned into a severely injured Havoc in the blink of an eye, who snapped his fingers to make the lethal wound on his neck heal in mere seconds. Bruce opened his mouth and breathed more balefire, but Havoc used his axe as a baseball bat to divert the magic beam. At the same time, Robin Hoof fired two arrows at the same time from above, and each one pierced one of Bruce’s eyes, blinding him and making him roar in pain.

“MY EYES!” he cried as he blindly thrashed, trying to escape from the ice prison. Comet Tail then used her magic to make a steel muzzle appear around Bruce’s mouth, making him unable to release more balefire.

“Can I kill him now?!” Havoc asked, worried that Bruce might have a last ace up his nonexistent sleeve, such as a deadlier final form. “Please tell me you don’t want to have a trial and sentence him to prison or whatever you ponies do with criminals.”

“No,” Robin said as she landed between Havoc and Bruce. “If we kill him history might remember him as the hero who died protecting Trottingham. He killed my father, Lord Jocksley, to take his place as the ruler of Trottingham. His numerous crimes will be revealed and he will be locked in Tartarus with the other monsters like him. Now, about you…”

“Robin!” Comet Tail cried. “He’s doing something! Get away from him!”

Robin turned to face Bruce, whose white scales were glowing brighter and brighter. He soon seemed to be made of solid light, and suddenly he exploded into a myriad of snake-like tendrils of balefire, leaving . The snakes moved towards Havoc, Robin Hoof and Comet Tail and quickly surrounded them.

“Now you die,” they all said with Bruce’s voice as they began charging at them.

Havoc levitated his axe in front of him and made it spin so fast it became a black blur as it moved to block the snakes, which disappeared once they touched the weapon. More and more snakes tried to touch them as Havoc kept killing them, until one managed to slip past his defenses and hit him in his moose horn. The horn’s colors inversed and it was erased from existence as Havoc cried in pain and dropped his weapon. The remaining snakes charged all at once in order to kill them now that Havoc was unable to stop them, and they would have succeeded if Comet hadn’t teleported the three of them away in the last second.

“Golden Shower!” Comet shouted. “I can’t grab your weapon with magic! You have to tell me how you do it!”

“CHAOS! MAGIC!” he managed to shout between his cries of again as he writhed on the ground.

Comet focused, trying to use chaos magic to levitate the axe instead of the usual, harmony-based magic unicorns used. Her horn glowed with her usual purple aura, which slowly turned golden as she focused on imitating the traces of Havoc’s magic that remained on her belly from the spell he had used to turn it into velcro loops. She opened her eyes and Robin noticed that they had acquired a violet color, while the pupils had been replaced by lighter violet swirls. Her magic surrounded the axe’s handle, and she used it to kill the remaining snakes, which cried in fear as they tried to escape. As soon as the last snake was dead, Comet Tail stopped the spell and threw up.

“I’ll never *HUUUURGGEHH* use chaos magic again!” she whined.

Robin Hoof looked both at Havoc, still crying in pain, and at Comet vomiting on the ground as she pondered who to help first. She quickly decided that the sooner Comet stopped puking the sooner she could heal Havoc or at least make him shut up.Thus, Robin trotted towards Comet and held her mane away from her mouth until she finished emptying her stomach.

“Are you alright?” Robin then asked.

“Yes,” Comet replied, panting. “It’s just that, using chaos magic, it felt so WRONG. I have never felt something so awful, it was like a living thing trying to eat my magic. I doubt I’ll be able to use my magic like that ever again without risking my life. ”

“Can you help Golden Shower?” Robin asked, pointing at Havoc. “He really seems to need help.”

Comet cautiously approached the thrashing draconequus and used her magic on him. The painkiller spell she casted was supposed to be effective enough to allow a pegasus to amputate his own wings without even flinching. However, Havoc seemed to still be in pain, but at least he stopped crying.

“He has killed me,” he stated with astonishment.

“What are you talking about? You seem pretty much alive to me,” Robin replied.

Havoc looked at his own hands for ten long seconds. “He hasn’t killed my main form, but my moose form is… gone,” he elaborated. “I can easily transform into anything my body is made of, but now it’s like that part of me, that part of my freaking soul, that made me change to moose is gone… I guess I should consider myself lucky, balefire is supposed to destroy whatever it touches, not just a part of it.”

“But you are better now, right?” asked Robin.

“I… guess so,” he replied, absent-minded.

“Can any of you ensure that Bruce is dead? I don’t want him to return after licking his wounds.”

“I don’t know how resourceful he is,” Havoc replied. “He could have cheated death somehow, but I doubt it.”

“I don’t know, either,” Comet added. “However, that ‘balefire’ of his is unique. A simple detecting spell will let me detect anypony who does something like it in a large area around me.”

“That will have to do,” Robin said, sighing. Then she stared at Havoc. “I think you should answer some questions.”

“I am a good guy, what else do you want to know that can’t wait until we are back in Trottingham?” he asked.

"How can we know you won't just pack your things and leave as soon as you can?" Robin asked in return.

"Look, I have risked my life fighting YOUR enemy, so you should trust me when I say I'll answer your questions later. I want to go home, make sure that Diane is fine and find a way to get rid of this mind, soul, magic, whatever pain."

"I’ll have to take your word, then. Let’s go back,” Robin replied, rubbing her forehead with her right hoof. “Why couldn’t you be just a weird unicorn? It would have made everything so much simpler… Comet, can you teleport us?”

The unicorn mare nodded and readied the spell as Havoc became Golden Shower again. A blinding light enveloped them and when it disappeared they were back in the same room of Trottingham’s castle they had teleported from minutes ago.

“Is the battle over?” Robin asked as soon as she saw Little Jane, who seemed to have been waiting for their return along with Diane and a few more mares.

“Y-yes, the remaining guards surrendered when they realized that Bruce was gone and they didn’t have to escape from his magic attacks... Is he…?”

“Yes, he probably won’t bother us again,” Robin answered. “Now let’s get this over with before the town succumbs to panic over their fallen leader.”

Havoc left Robin and her Merry Mares to their own devices as he approached Diane. “Are you hurt?” he asked.

“I’m peachy, but I really want to take a shower,” she answered. “Let’s go home and rest, I told everypony that there would be a ‘Robin won Bruce is gone’ party tonight and I can’t plan a party if I’m falling asleep!”

“I… I was thinking we could just stay home and watch TV,” he absent-mindedly replied.

“TV?”

“... Oh, right, still in Equestria,” Havoc muttered when he realized what he had said. “Alright, let’s go home.”

As they walked towards their house, Havoc focused on the injuries that Bruce’s balefire had inflicted upon him. He had never realized that, since he began training his magic sense, he could feel his soul as he could feel any part of his body. The fact that he had one wasn’t unexpected, as Disharmony had already told him that she had taken his soul from his human body and placed it in his current one. In a sense, his soul was like an organ, you aren’t aware of its presence in your body until it starts hurting. Moreover, it was like his heart, as it was the part of him in charge of making the magic flow all around his body. Now, his soul felt incomplete somehow, as if someone had taken a bite out of it. The part of it that was closer to the missing section was the one sending ripples of pain, like a stump would do after a dismemberment.

Something poked him on the side, and when he turned his head he noticed that it was Diane’s hoof. “Are you alright? You look pensive, you NEVER look pensive.”

“I’ll tell you everything when we get home. I think that Bruce has given me an injury that I can’t heal with a snap of my fingers.”

“Oh no,” she said, her eyes watering. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I don’t know yet, I need more time to think.”

Havoc resumed his train of thought as they continued walking in silence. The pain that, thankfully, had been greatly reduced by Comet’s spell felt somehow familiar, but Havoc couldn’t point the time he had felt such a thing before. He had tried to regenerate his missing part as he would have done with a normal injury, but his healing magic had done nothing. As minutes passed without him finding a way to fix it, Havoc grew worried. The wound remained as painful as it was when he was hit, and he didn’t know how much longer would Comet’s spell last. The idea of being forced to always have a painkiller spell active on his soul so he would only feel a mild pain scared him. He forced himself to stop thinking about how miserable his existence would be in that case and focused on Comet's spell. Unicorn magic was harmonic instead of chaotic, and it was based on patterns and memorized phrases. Havoc was sure that if he ever tried to use his magic like that it would immediately backfire even worse than a chaos spell that tried to create something harmonic such as a vehicle. Due to this, he focused on what the spell was doing to him so he could try to copy the effects. He soon noticed that the spell was double, as a part of it was numbing his physical pain receptors, while the other was acting on his own soul and magic energy. He quickly broke the physical part with a burst of chaos magic, as the loss of his horn didn’t hurt on a neuronal level. With that done, he focused back on the spell. After a minute of trying to understand what it was doing to his soul he gave up. He only knew that it was surrounding the part of his soul that was in pain and somehow erasing that feeling. He decided that using his magic on his very soul without knowing what he was doing wasn’t a good idea. Finally, he decided that he would ask Comet Tail about the spell later, as there was nothing he could do on his own.

Diane and Havoc arrived at their house a few minutes later, in which he had decided what he could reveal to Robin and Comet and what he should omit or lie about. “It feels like we left ages ago, even though it’s only been a couple of hours,” he commented.

“Yeah, that’s what happens when the author splits a day in two chapters,” she replied.

“Diane, stop breaking the fourth wall,” Havoc scolded her. “Whenever I do it something terrible happens. Also, the implications of being in a story scare me.”

“Alright, so what happened with Bruce Mayne?” she said, changing the subject.

By the time Havoc was done telling her what had happened and how fucked he was, Diane had already prepared the invitations and decorations for the party she was planning for that same night. “So, can’t you ask your boss Disharmony to fix you?” she asked.

“There’s no chance the rules of the game allow gods to heal their pieces after fights,” Havoc replied. “Maybe I could ask Cadance? She’s an alicorn, after all.”

“I don’t know much about magic, but maybe Turmoil’s necklace could heal you?” Diane asked.

“... That’s a really good idea,” he replied, as he thought why didn’t he come up with it sooner. “Zap me when you are ready.”

Diane nodded and a beam of magic connected her necklace with Havoc’s chest, turning him into a CGI version of himself.

“What,” he said.

“Staring at you makes my head hurt,” she commented. A few seconds later Havoc became Twilight Sparkle.

“I… Wait, don’t change me back just yet,” he said with her voice. “Oh Celestia~! Your horn is so big! Spike! Let’s make a checklist of the things I want to do with my plot and Celestia and Trixie’s horns! Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!”

Then he made a mirror appear in front of himself and started making funny faces.

“You are weirding me out,” Diane said as she used the necklace on him again, turning him into an unholy hybrid of Twilight Sparkle, a lobster and himself, and finally it turned him back to his original shape, still missing the moose horn.

“... I don’t feel any different…” he muttered. “Wait, there’s something! Your magic is replacing Comet’s spell with a chaos based one that does the same thing! This is very good, I can copy what your necklace is doing to me so I don’t need to always have an unicorn nearby to keep the pain away. Now I’m going to take a shower and-”

Havoc stopped mid-sentence when, without warning, a transparent version of Disharmony materialized herself in front of him with her draconequus body.

“Listen to me, we don’t have much time!” she ordered. “Those pony fools have released Discord, and now he’s decided to become their ally because he has ‘learned about friendship’! I can’t battle him now, travelling to Equis would leave me weaker than him, and he will kick you to another galaxy if you try to harm him, but there’s something you can do. You have to kill the coward pegasus, Fluttershy.”

“What?!”

“Discord seems to see her as a real friend, the young fool. The rules of the game he started won’t let him touch you unless you attack him, and if you kill her he will be angry enough to come to my domain and battle me. This is the chance I have been waiting for for several thousands of your years.”

“I’m not going to kill Fluttershy,” he said. “I don’t have to obey you,” he added, hoping he was right.

Disharmony frowned, but then she smirked. “Once I kill Discord, I will grant you a wish. I will give you anything you ask. Becoming a draconequus and living forever as my ally. Returning to Earth as a human. Making you strong enough to force Luna and Celestia to submit to your will. All you have to do is to kill a mere pony. You have done it before, it’ll just be one more in your body count.”

“Havoc, don’t do it,” Diane begged.

“Silence, mortal!” Disharmony barked.

It was then that Havoc realized something. Disharmony had said that she would send him back to Earth, but in their previous meeting she had said that going back to Earth was impossible for him. That meant that she had lied to him at least once, and that she could be also lying when she said that she would do what he wanted after she was done with Discord. He had decided that he wouldn’t obey Disharmony the moment she told him that he would have to kill Fluttershy, but knowing that he couldn’t trust her words gave him an extra reason to say no to her.

“Disharmony…” he began, and he forced himself to breath before continuing. “You shouldn’t have chosen a brony as your piece. I won’t kill Fluttershy, nor any other innocent pony for that matter.”

“You dare to question and disobey me?!” she asked, incredulous. “You don’t know who you are dealing with, mortal. I will give you a last chance: if you start flying to Ponyville immediately I’ll forget your treacherous thoughts.”

“I won’t do it,” he said, and he felt his stomach lurch as Disharmony lost all semblance of politeness.

“Yo̡u ҉wi̸l̕l ̴re̡g̶r͞et ̸thìs̷ da͠y, M͘ąr̛t̕i͠n҉ ̢T͠h̀o͝m̛pson̸,̸” she bellowed, her words making the whole room tremble. “I̴ ̶wi̢ll͘ ma͠ke͠ y͠ou a͞n͟d̷ ȩve̡ry͟t͜h̕iņg̷ ̀you̶ lóv̵e ͟śu̸ffe͢r ͝in ̵wa͜ys ͜y̢ou c̸a̕n'̧t̷ ͢even comp͠re̴h̢e͞nd̕.”

Disharmony’s projection disappeared as soon as it had come, leaving Havoc and Diane alone. After that she stopped narrating and probably destroyed all she had written between last chapter and this point. Luckily for you, she left an energy trail that I could follow to this, and now I’m the narrator. Cool, huh?

Havoc walked towards the couch and sat on it, staring at the distance as he turned pale. “... I guess at least I did the right thing, right?”

“Of course you did,” Diane said as she sat next to him and hugged as much of his bear torso as she could. “Pinkie Pie’s memories have shown me a lot of courageous ponies. What you have just done is the third bravest things I have ever seen.”

“Only the third? What are the second and first?” he asked without enthusiasm.

“Well, the second was when Shining Armor stood against Sombra. That was heroic as hay. And first place goes to Fluttershy for doing the Stare on a dragon, because hey! It’s Fluttershy we are talking about.”

“Yeah, I’ll have to try harder if I want to beat those two,” he replied. “Maybe I can go to Ponyville and punch Discord in the face until he decides to fight Disharmony so I’ll stop beating him?”

“I think that’s not such a good idea…” Diane said, afraid that he was being serious.

Havoc sighed. “Let’s just forget this ever happened and return to our duties. You have a party to plan and I have to rest, right?”

“No, it’s not right,” she said. “Let’s stop joking. You need to find a way to solve this. You can’t just give up and let Disharmony get away with bullying you.”

“So what can I do?!” he said with a hint of panic. “She’s powerful than a GOD! Even if I somehow became stronger than her, she created my body and she can destroy it whenever she feels like it. There’s nothing I can do, and I would rather not dwell on this. Please.”

“Wait, maybe Discord can help?”

“He sent Screwball to kill me! Why would he ever help me?”

“Disharmony said that Fluttershy had turned him good, right? Good ponies don’t send their daughters to kill their enemies.”

“Maybe, but the moment Shining Armor learns that I went to Ponyville I’ll be in trouble.”

“Damn it, Havoc. Is there anyone in Equestria who doesn’t want you dead or out of his sight?”

“... Well, there’s you, the dogs of Granite Back… Wait, they wanted me out of their sight because my presence was dangerous to them. Eh… maybe that crystal pony that was so good with the sword?”

“Forget I even asked. Go take a nap, if I’m not here when you wake up I’ll be setting up everything in the castle.”

“Alright, see you later.”

Havoc did as Diane told him. When he walked into his bedroom his chaos domain began refilling his reserves as he decided to nap on his bed, that had become a giant cushioned bathtub on its own. ‘Killing Flutterhsy only for Discord to destroy me or Disharmony to betray me, or disobey Disharmony and become her enemy. Yeah, I was fucked the moment she made her offer.’

20: Get Lucky

The party was in full swing. ‘Diane has really outdone herself’, Havoc thought. ‘I doubt even the original Pinkie could do better than this’. It seemed that both the guards and the Merry Mares had forgotten about the fierce battle between them, in which both sides had been decimated, especially when one watched each side dance and even flirt with the other. Havoc didn’t know if this was some pony thing he couldn’t understand due to his human nature, but he sure knew that he didn’t want to stay close to any of the guards that had tried to kill him and Diane hours earlier. He had decided not to voice his opinion, though, especially after some of the mares started to give him meaningful winks and smiles. He had never had sex with a pony in all the months he had spent on Equestria, and he was eager to try it. ‘It was a good idea to come to the party, if Disharmony is going to fuck me up I should at least have a taste of the legendary candy vag before it happens.’

“Golden Shower,” somepony called him when he went to take a glass of social lubricant, also known as hard-cider. When he turned towards the source of the voice he found Comet Tail. “We have to speak, in private.”

“Right. That. I had forgotten,” he replied. “Go ahead, I’ll follow you.”

Comet wasted no time in leading him to a small room where they could speak without anypony overhearing.

“I wonder how many ponies will believe that there’s something between us now that we have left the party together,” Havoc said as she closed the door.

Comet Tail replied by blushing under her dark coat. “Don’t try to change the subject, Robin has given me the mission of deciding what to do with you. Now, I will ask you some questions that I want you to answer.”

“Why don’t we make it a game? We’re missing the party, so we should at least have fun while we do this,” Havoc suggested.

“Can’t we just get over this as fast as possible, instead?” she said, slightly annoyed.

“Actually, no. I’m a draconequus, I feed on chaos. If I can’t ask or do stupid things from time to time I’ll slowly become unstable until I become a rabid beast. Literally.”

Comet raised an eyebrow. “Alright… Is Golden Shower your real name?”

“No, my name is Havoc,” he replied. “My turn, where did you study magic?”

“Why would you care about that?” she asked, making Havoc frown. “Fine. I studied in Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns,” she replied after a few seconds. “You said you are a draconequus. Are you related to Discord?”

“No. I am a draconequus minor, he’s a real draconequus. Let’s see... If I were an unicorn, Discord would be Princess Celestia. Speaking of Celestia, have you ever met her?”

“Yes, all the students in her school have at least a yearly meeting with her. So, will you become a ‘real’ draconequus when you grow up?”

“No, unless you ponies become alicorns when you age. We are created by real draconequi, but we aren’t their offspring. Have you met Twilight Sparkle?”

“If being in the same room as a pony who was so focused in her studies that she didn’t notice I was studying in the same library room until I asked her if she could pass me a book she wasn’t using and I had forgotten to take counts as meeting then, yes. So, what are you doing in Equestria?”

“I’m just trying to live a peaceful life. But it seems that I can’t stay away from trouble. Maybe it’s my nature, that drags me to where there will be chaos. I have heard you are the most powerful unicorn in the city, is that true?”

“Maybe. There are a few unicorns that might have more raw power, but I haven’t met anypony in town that knows more about magic than I do. So, just how powerful are you? It is said that Discord is more powerful than the Princesses themselves, but what about you?”

“Well, it’s complicated. I can turn the chaos that happens around me into chaos magic that I can use later, but I have never found a limit to how much energy I can store, and as far as I know I can unleash all of it at once. What’s Robin Hoof’s deal? She’s the previous lord’s daughter, but why did Bruce become the ruler then?”

“Hm… Where should I start? I think this all started two years ago, when Robin decided that she needed to have adventures before her father became too old to rule, so she joined a group of raiders. The raiders are a band of ponies that sneak into dragon hoards and release anypony that might be prisoner. The raiders’ Headquarters were located in Tailton Springs, so when the city was destroyed by a dragon and Robin didn’t return to Trottingham everypony assumed that she had died in the attack. Then, just a few weeks later, Lord Jocksley died and the next thing we knew Bruce was the one in charge. According to Robin, he poisoned Lord Jocksley and replaced his will with a fake document which said that Bruce should be put in charge due to him being the best suited one. You can turn into a pony, do you have shapeshifting powers like a changeling?”

“This is a transformation spell,” he explained, motioning towards his body. “It’s a continuous drain on my energy reserves, and being hit hard enough will break it. I don’t know how changelings shapeshift, so I can’t say if what I do is similar. What did you do before joining the Merry Mares?”

They continued asking each other questions for several minutes. Comet learned much about Havoc’s nature, as he had decided not to lie unless it was necessary. She had focused more on his powers and abilities, as she didn’t care about his exploits and adventures. She also asked him about Diane, but she quickly lost interest when he told her that Diane was a pony who had nowhere to and and that she had been the first one to care about him, so he loved her as a little sister. Havoc, on the other hand, learned stuff about Comet and unicorns in general that surprised him. Stuff such as how unicorns learned their magic, what her cutie mark meant or why they used base ten for their numbers when they didn’t have ten fingers. The reason is so powerful, so deep, that explaining it to you bronies would destroy your minds. He also learned that Comet was the leader of Trottingham’s magical research laboratory, which focused on gravity magic, so she could throw a meteorite at him if she wanted to (and if Luna allowed her to take control of a celestial body).

“-and that’s why we don’t eat grass from the ground. Well, I think that’s all I needed to know,” Comet finally said. “We would have died without you to face Bruce, so now that I know you probably won’t mind control the whole city and become a tyrannical ruler the least we can do is letting you and Diane live in Trottingham.”

“That’s great,” Havoc said, genuinely grateful. “I have one last question, though. When Bruce hurt me I was in such pain that I can’t really remember what happened until you stopped the pain, so I have to ask… How did you manage to lift my axe with your magic?”

“I managed to copy the traces of magic you left on my fur when you made it be attached to yours and turn my magic into chaotic magic. I didn’t know if it would work until it did, and even then it was very dangerous. The chaotic magic was like a living thing that tried to eat anything that wasn’t chaotic. I could have permanently damaged my magic ability, so I’m not willing to try it again.”

“Hm… I didn’t know you unicorns could do that. I thought you could only use your harmonic magic. Maybe you will be able to use chaos magic safely with training or something like that?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. My field of expertise is gravity magic, which is pure unicorn magic. You will have to ask somepony else if you really want to know.”

“Alright. Then we should go back to the party or ponies WILL think we have an affair.”

“Have fun,” she replied. “I’m not that much of a party lover, so I’ll just go home.”

“We can’t have that,” Havoc said, levitating her to stop her from walking again. “Diane will get mad at me if she learns that I let you leave without enjoying her party.”

Comet Tail sighed. “Fine, let’s go back to the party. Drop me, your magic makes me feel sick.”

Havoc woke up on his bed. The moment he opened his eyes he closed them shut again, as the light of the room felt like two daggers stabbing his eyeballs. Then the headache and the nausea kicked in.

“Ooooow, I’m never drinking again…” Havoc muttered to himself, and then he sat on the side of the bed and made a bucket appear just in time to vomit in it. Then he disabled his pain receptors with his magic so he could think clearly. He was in his room, or in the room of a pony who enjoyed walls with constantly changing color patterns, and his bed seemed to have turned back to a regular bed. He remembered returning with Comet Tail to the main hall where the party was being held and convincing her to have a drink and try dancing before leaving. ‘Whatever I drank must have been really strong, everything after the second drink is a blur of ponies, alcohol, dancing and blueberries. Wait, blueberries… What do blueberries have to do with anything?’ It was then that Havoc felt something brush his side. He immediately panicked, as he was in his draconequus form and he wasn’t alone. He slowly turned his head towards the other side of his bed, and found Comet Tail sleeping on it.

“... Really?” he asked himself, the panic turning into surprise. “... No way… This must be one of those ‘totally looks like they had sex, turns out they didn’t’ situations. I probably got so drunk she had to carry me home and then she fell asleep because she was very tired. Yup, that’s totally what happened. I wouldn’t have forgotten having sex with her, right?”

Havoc shook his head and decided that, whatever the case, a good host always makes breakfast for the guests who sleep over. After peeking through the window to see that it was around noon, he quietly left the room. He turned into Golden Shower just in case there were more ponies who had decided to crash at his place and went to the kitchen. There, he found Diane making pancakes.

“Good morning,” she greeted him with a tired tone of voice, “do you know who spiked the punch? Because I want to kick him or her in the face.” She stopped to cough a few times. “It was already alcoholic, spiking it was just overkill. At least making sure everything went smoothly didn’t let me drink too much.”

“Good morning,” he replied as he took a bottle of water. “I have no idea. Is there anypony else at home?”

“Just the two of us *cough* and Comet Tail,” she added, wiggling her eyebrows at him.

“Good,” he said as he turned back to his draconequus form. He drank the whole bottle of water before continuing. “Diane, I don’t remember what happened last night. What do you know?”

“Well, you left with Comet Tail and returned like… Thirty minutes later? *cough* What a beast, you do it with her in the castle, then you continue partying and then you take her here for a rehearsal. *cough*”

“She spent all that time making questions, we didn’t do anything,” Havoc replied. “Now she knows that we aren’t evil so nopony will kick us out of town. What happened later?”

“Well… I glimpsed you both *cough* a couple of times, I think you were always together. *cough* A few hours later I saw you leaving, and you both had trouble walking in a straight line. *cough cough* When I came back you were both sleeping in your room so I went to sleep.”

“I just don’t understand how I got so drunk,” Havoc said. “I… Uh oh,” he added, his eyes opening wide.

“Uh oh? What’s uh oh?”

“Diane, don’t kick me in the face,” he exclaimed. “I think I was the one who spiked the drinks.”

“Wait, you mean to tell me that you *cough* spiked the punch, yet you got so drunk with the same punch you *cough* spiked that you can’t remember doing it? How do you even fail that hard?” she said, frowning as she coughed a few more times.

“Look, I’m just starting to remember it… You see, I have never gotten really drunk as a pony, and I thought that your bodies have more tolerance to alcohol than a human’s, so maaaaybe I overestimated how much alcohol I could take. And maaaaybe I made the drinks twice as strong as they should with magic… Yeah, that would explain why my magic reserves are so high. All that drunk-related chaos.”

Diane facehoofed. “Well, at least now I know who was *cough* the culprit.”

“Wow, Diane, that coughing doesn’t sound good. Did you catch a cold last night?”

“I don’t know, I felt fine yesterday until I went to sleep, but I woke up several times with coughing fits. *cough* I’ll go to a doctor if it persists.”

“Lie on the couch while I finish making breakfast, I’m running on batteries right now so I don’t feel tired at all. Hm... I think it’s more brunch than breakfast, because you can’t just call it breakfast when it’s, like, half past twelve.”

Diane nodded in agreement and left the kitchen as Havoc grabbed the frying pan with his oversized paw. ‘Wait, how did she grab this with only a hoof? ...Fucking ponies, how do they work?’

A few minutes later Havoc emerged from the kitchen, carrying a large platter filled with pancakes and a lot of water. “Are you feeling any better?” he asked Diane.

“I would lie if I said yes. You should wake Comet up before this gets cold. I so want to hear what you two did last night.”

“I’m actually scared of going up there and waking her up. She could… Wait, she’s alone, in my bedroom. Shit I better go there before the bed eats her or something.”

Havoc floated to his room, where he found that Comet Tail was peacefully sleeping… and that his reading lamp was dry humping his alarm clock. He ignored them and gently poked Comet on the side. “Hey, it’s time to wake up.”

Comet slowly opened her eyes, and when she saw Havoc she opened them wide and shouted. “AAAAAAAH!”

Then her horn was enveloped in a purple aura and Havoc felt the pull of gravity reversing and making him fall on the ceiling. “Hey! Cut it out!”

Comet stopped shouting and her breathing slowly returned to a normal pace. Only then did she release Havoc. “Mother of Celestia… My head is killing me… I thought I had left this part of my life behind when I finished my studies.”

“You are never too old for drinking until you pass out” Havoc replied.

“Not that! I meant going to bed with ponies I barely know!” she snapped back, and then she grunted as she massaged her head. “To make it worse, you aren’t even a pony. You better don’t start thinking this means there’s something between us, because there isn’t.”

“Wait… Just what happened last night?” he asked. “I was so drunk I don’t remember it.”

“I think it’ll be better for both of us if I don’t go into details.”

“...Holy shit, we really did it,” Havoc deadpanned, and then something sparked in his mind. He remembered being on the bed with Comet while being Golden Shower, making out like horny animals. ‘You taste like blueberries’ he had said when he first kissed her. “I… Just… How did I manage to convince you to do that? I hadn’t even considered approaching you that way before I got shitfaced.”

“I don’t really remember all the details, either,” Comet answered. “So, is this your room?” she asked, trying to change the subject. “It’s the weirdest room I’ve ever seen.”

“Yeah, I need chaos as much as you need breathing and this is a great help for those boring days when nothing chaotic happens.”

“Interesting… The lamp and the alarm clock are... imitating us. Look, I’m going to go back home before this becomes even more awkward.”

“Are you sure? We have pancakes.”

“Thanks but…,” she began, but the loud rumbling noise of her stomach cut her. “... Alright, I guess I can’t say no to pancakes.”

And so, Havoc, Diane and Comet Tail awkwardly ate breakfast. Luckily for them, Diane decided not to tease them, so she and Comet talked about what the Merry Mares would do now that they had fulfilled their main goal. That allowed Havoc to space out and focus on remembering what had happened the previous night.

“Havoc, are you listening?” Diane asked after a few minutes in which he unsuccessfully tried to remember anything else.

“Huh? Sorry, what did you say?”

“Comet said that Robin wants to *cough* hire both of us,” Diane said. “Comet, say it again for this klutz.”

“Yesterday, Robin said that she needed a treasurer, in order to make sure that we would be able to give everypony the money that Bruce had stolen back without ruining ourselves,” Comet explained. “She said that you were the best suited pony for this place, as you have proven both your skill at managing money and your loyalty to her. She also wants Diane to join the castle’s kitchens, she really loves her cupcakes.

“Hm… That is a very generous offer, now that Bruce isn’t fucking up this town’s economy there will be way less ponies in need of my services. I accept.”

“Me too! *cough*” Diane added. “Being the castle’s baker *cough* totally beats working *cough* for Butterball.”

Havoc zoned out again as Diane and Comet Tail kept on talking. ‘This is so annoying, it’s like when I was turned to stone and couldn’t remember my human life... At least that stopped happening when I remembered my name. Hm… How much different would my personality be with my human memories completely gone? We are… Hey, I’m wandering off the subject, I have to remember what I did with Comet Tail.’ His mouth scrunched in concentration, as he kept on trying to break through the alcoholic fog that was hiding his memories away from him.

“-that won’t be necessary,” Comet said to Diane. “We already have means to protect ourselves from a dragon attack.”

‘Dragon… DRAGON!’ the word made Havoc remember transforming into his teen dragon form and mating with Comet as she moaned in pleasure.

“Holy shit, we did things I thought only happened in porn movies,” he muttered aloud, and then he realized that the two mares had heard every word. Comet Tail scowled as her cheeks turned a bright red.

“If you are going to be like that,” she said. “Then I’m leaving. Goodbye, Diane.”

She got up and left their house before Havoc or Diane could say anything to change her mind.

“You blew it, man,” Diane said, then she got up on her two hind legs and saluted. “A minute of silence for a sunk ship. You’ll always be in our hearts, HavocTail.”

Havoc hit his head against the table in frustration. “Damn it.”

21:Bring Corruption To All That You Touch

Adamant Alloy galloped through Trottingham’s castle’s corridors. Time was of the essence, so he didn’t mind the surprised glances from the ponies that noticed him. The weight of the armor he was wearing barely slowed him, as he had been using it for so many years that he no longer felt it restricted his movements. He finally reached his destination and opened the door to Trottingham’s treasurer’s office. As usual, the first thing he did when entering a new room was quickly scanning it in search of potential dangers. The only other ponies in the room were Golden Shower and his two young apprentices, whose names Adamant didn’t remember. The room was rather crowded with the three desks and the large bookshelves filled with accounting books. Since Golden Shower had been appointed Trottingham’s treasurer half a year ago, the number of bookshelves had multiplied from having one behind the treasurer’s desk to covering all the walls, leaving only the door and the window uncovered. Despite being Hearth Warming’s Eve, the only concession to the festivity was a ridiculously small decorated tree half-buried by books on a corner of the room.

“-many times do I have to tell you?” Golden Shower reprimanded one of his apprentices while Adamant opened the door. “We work with the accrual basis, not the cash basis. We aren’t running a small business, we are running a town with more than ten thousand citizens,” he turned his head to face Adamant. “What is it?”

“Golden Shower, you have to come fast, your niece isn’t feeling well and she wants to see you,” the guard quickly said.

“Bit Stretch, you are in charge until I’m back,” Golden Shower said as he teleported out of the room. “Where is she?”

“She was in the kitchens last time I saw her,” Adamant answered, and Golden Shower teleported out of the corridor as soon as he finished.

Havoc’s teleport made him appear near the ceiling of the castle’s kitchen, as he suspected that teleporting just where a pony was already standing wouldn’t be fun for anyone involved. He landed on all fours, grunting as he quickly made sure that the impact hadn’t turned his legs back to their original shape. A small crowd of ponies was circling something, so Havoc galloped and opened a hole in the circle.

“Oh God Diane,” he whispered when he saw her. She was lying unconscious on the floor, barely breathing, and her coat seemed to be stained with dark purple spots. After a few seconds he realized to his horror that the stains were moving over her body, changing the color of her skin and hair. “She needs a doctor!”

“Calm down, the doctor is coming already,” a mare said as she patted him on the back. “It was so sudden. She was fine when her coughing got much worse and these… dark spots started to appear on her body. She managed to say that she wanted you to come, and then she said ‘havoc’ over and over again until she passed out.”

Havoc barely registered the mare’s words as he inched towards Diane. “Diane, can you hear me? You are going to be fine, the doctor will find what’s wrong and we’ll be laughing about this in no time,” he said, mostly to himself. He held one of her forelegs with his hooves, but he reeled back when he saw dark spots appearing where he had touched her. “What is going on here?” he whispered.

The doctor arrived shortly after, and his unicorn horn began to shine as soon as he crouched next to Diane. “I have never seen anything like this,” he said. “These spots where he coat changes in color… It is as if her natural magic had spilled out of her magical lines and concentrated on these places. This isn’t supposed to be even possible. I… I don’t know how to heal her, this is way out of my field. The only ponies that could know how to heal her are the ones in the research center.”

“Comet Tail, I bring her now,” Havoc said as he teleported out of the room. He appeared outside of the castle, and with a few more teleports he reached Comet’s workplace. A few minutes later he found her office and barged in.

“Hav-Golden Shower,” she stuttered, surprised. They had barely talked to each other since that morning when he made her angry, so he was the last one she expected to see. “What in Celestia’s name are you doing?”

“Diane is sick, she has some sort of magic bleeding that the doctor can’t heal. She can’t barely breath. She needs you,” he quickly explained, not stopping to breathe.

“I’ll do anything in my hoof to help,” she said, her shock quickly turning into resolve. “Where is she?”

“The castle’s kitchen,” Havoc replied, and she teleported both of them there and soon as he finished the sentence. Comet’s better knowledge of the castle’s layout allowed her to reach the kitchen with just one teleport.

“Wow, that was fast,” remarked the doctor. “I didn’t dare to use any healing spell on her. Celestia knows how might my magic react with what she has.”

“You did well,” Comet replied, and after examining Diane for ten seconds she talked again. “Now, everypony must leave the room. Golden Shower has explained the symptoms to me and healing her will be dangerous to anypony in the area. Golden, you stay. I will need you to shield me both of us when I start using my magic.”

Comet waited until everypony had left before talking again. “Have you done this to her?” she asked.

“What!? No!” he replied, outraged. “I would rather die than let Diane suffer any harm! Can you help her or not? I swear if you can’t help her I’ll take her to Celestia herself if I have to.”

“Calm down, I was just asking in case you had done this by mistake or something,” she huffed. “Now, let me focus…”

Comet touched one of Diane’s dark spots with her horn, which gleamed with her own magic. “The doctor is right, this dark spots on her body have great amounts of magic in them. But…” her eyes widened as she turned to face Havoc.

“What?! What is it?!”

“These accumulations aren’t made of pony magic. It feels just like when you used your magic on me. Havoc, this is your magic, in her body,” she explained.

“No, it can’t be,” Havoc whispered.

“But this shouldn’t happen,” she continued. “When you used your magic on me, my natural magic flow made it leave my body after some seconds. You say you haven’t done this to her, so unless you have been using her as some sort of chaos magic battery…”

“I haven’t.”

“Then I have no idea why this is happening to her. It can’t be magic diabetes, the symptoms don’t match.”

“You say that my magic is causing this, right? Then I should be able to just suck it back to myself and she will be fine,” Havoc reasoned. However, when he tried to do that, he found that he couldn’t take the magic from her. “I can’t do it. It is part of her now, I can’t steal somepony’s magic when it is inside the body. I couldn’t even feel it was my magic until you pointed it out. Wait, her necklace. The necklace stores her natural magic so she can use it later. If it can do the same with my magic it will heal her.”

Havoc did another couple of teleports to reach his house, and then he went into Diane’s bedroom to try to find her necklace. Diane’s room was strikingly similar to Pinkie Pie’s room in Sugarcube Corner, but lacking the ‘candy house’ decoration. It took Havoc ten minutes to find the necklace, as Diane had put it in a rather obscure location: hidden in plain sight on her bedside table. When he found it he wasted no time and teleported back to the kitchen, ignoring the fact that his energy reserves were critically low after covering such long distances just by teleporting.

“I can’t touch her,” he told Comet. “When I did, more spots appeared on the places I touched. Put it around her neck."

The unicorn mare nodded and did as he told her. “Is it working?”

Havoc closed his eyes and focused on his magic sense. He could feel his own magic, as a rather shallow pool inside of him, and then he reached towards Diane. Her natural magic was still there, too chaotic to belong to anypony else save for Pinkie Pie, and the magic stored inside the necklace, but they weren’t reacting at all. He focused on the magic that was harming Diane, his own magic, and the mental image of it was like polluted water on a clean pool. Then he glimpsed a small spot of ‘pollution’ appear where moments before there was only Diane’s magic. He focused on it, and then he saw. Diane, despite being physically identical to a real pony, was a copy made of water and magic, after all. If, for some reason, she somehow lost all of her natural magic, she would instantly turn back into water. Unlike ‘normal’ living creatures, which are material beings with a side of magic, she was more like Havoc: magic with a side of physical matter. Obviously, Havoc didn’t get all of it at the moment, but he understood what was happening: his mere presence was poison to Diane, because her unique physiology made her act as an unwilling filter that caught his magic whenever it tried to go through her body. ‘Oh God, I would have killed her if I had decided to keep on feeding her with food created with my magic.’

“It IS me,” he said, his eyes filling with tears. “She is passively storing the magic I release just by existing. I-I have to leave… If I don’t… I… I will kill her if I stay around her.” When he finished that sentence tears were rolling down his cheeks.

“Wait,” Comet asked. “Maybe the necklace can eat your magic faster than she can absorb it? We have to try at least.”

“She has to be awake to make it work,” he said, sniffing. “If she doesn’t… If she doesn’t wake up… Oh God Diane…”

“Havoc, calm the hay down,” Comet berated him. “Diane needs us right now, you have to keep your cool. Turn back, stop staring at her and panicking, take a few deep breaths and tell me when you are ready to be of any help.”

‘Diane needs me. She needs me, I need to help her. Calm down, Martin Thompson. Your little sister is in danger, and you have to help her,’ he thought to himself as he took deep breaths. A full minute passed before he was able to think rationally. “Comet, I’m fine now.”

“Good,” she said. “I have been trying to wake her up. I have tried throwing water at her face, but I haven’t dared to plug her nose. She’s barely breathing already.”

Havoc thought how to make her wake up, and he soon remembered something. Back when they were travelling to Trottingham, she would wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares from the test that Twilight Sparkle did to all the Pinkie Pies in order to find the original one. He crouched next to her and whispered to her ear in a perfect imitation of Twilight Sparkle’s voice.

“Pinkies, you have been brought here to take a test. Don’t worry, it’s a simple test. About as simple as they come, and whoever passes gets to stay! THE TEST WILL BE WATCHING PAINT DRY!”

Diane’s eyes opened wide as she woke up. She hyperventilated as her eyes, reduced to pinpricks, darted from side to side. The quick breathing soon turned into dry coughing.

“Diane, listen to me!” Havoc shouted. “You have poisonous magic in your body. Use the necklace to remove it from your body.”

Diane managed to nod as she violently coughed. “Already *COUGH* doing *COUGH* it.”

Havoc focused on her magic again, and he saw that the necklace was indeed removing his magic from her. However, the process was so slow that it barely made a difference as long as Havoc was next to her.

“Already? Diane, did you know what was happening to you?” he asked, horrified. The way Diane’s eyes avoided to meet his confirmed his words. “Why? Why did you let me do this to you?”

“I *COUGH* didn’t want *COUGH* you to *COUGH* leave,” she muttered.

“I could have moved to another house, or try to find a way to stop this from happening, or anything. Diane, you are the most important pony in the whole world to me. You know I would do anything for you.”

“I *cough know that, that’s why *cough* I couldn’t tell you,” she said, tearing up.

“Diane…” he sighed, also crying. The tears sprouted wings and flew around him as he talked, but he ignored them. “I have to leave you. You know I would like to stay with you, but I must do what is best for you. I will try to find a way to stop my magic from doing this to you, but until I learn how to do that I can’t live in Trottingham.”

Diane looked down in resignation, her tears silently dropping on the floor.

“Comet, I need to ask you one last favour,” Havoc said as he turned to his draconequus form and picked a leaf from his wooden arm. “If you burn this leaf I’ll feel it from anywhere in the world. If you ever need my help, or you find a way for me to stay with Diane without harming her, burn it. Make it burn slowly, if you burn it too fast I might not know what happened if I’m in a tricky situation. Also… Please take care of Diane.”

“I will,” she promised.

“Then I’m leaving. Tell everypony that Golden Shower was cursed by Bruce Mayne’s magic weapon moments before he died, and that the curse was what made Diane sick. Tell them that Golden Shower has left to live in a secluded place until he can be around ponies without harming them. I think you’ll manage without me, but make sure to double check what my replacement as treasurer says you have to do,” he then turned to face Diane. “Diane… I’ll be back as soon as it is safe for you, so I don’t want any parting words. See you soon.”

“See you soon, big brother!” she cried, and then he vanished without further words.

Teleporting back to his bedroom took almost all the energy he still had, so he quickly absorbed his chaos domain until there was not a single trace of it left. He walked around all the rooms, trying to take any chaos magic that might have remained, and then he turned to owl and flew away, his plumage keeping him warm even though it was so cold outside that the city was covered in snow. As he flew out of town, he tried to get his thoughts in order. ‘I don’t have to go too far. I can just find a good place to make a small chaos domain here in the forest until I manage to stop emitting energy. I can’t believe she hid this from me… She was going to die! I must find a way to protect her from me. She doesn’t deserve to suffer like this, not after all that she’s been through.’ He was soon flying over the forest, trying to find a cave or something similar. Something poked him on his right shoulder, but he ignored it. ‘Maybe, when the necklace takes all my energy away from her, we could try using the same amulet to make a barrier around herself that would bounce off my energy… She will have to wear it all the time, but it’s a possibility...’ He landed, turned to draconequus and walked towards a small cave he had found. The poking returned, this time more insistent.

‘Who the fuck is… Oh fuck…’ Havoc turned his head and found himself facing the only creature in the world that he feared meeting more than Disharmony: Discord himself. Havoc remembered how the draconequus looked like in the show, but seeing him face to face was a completely different experience. Havoc had to look up, as Discord was a meter taller than him with both standing on two legs, but Havoc's body was heavier and bulkier. Despite that, Havoc felt like a drop of water facing an ocean when Discord met his gaze. His yellow and red eyes were unfathomable pits of twisted wisdom and madness. Havoc could feel the chaos energy that the old ruler of Equestria emanated, and he was certain that, if he ever could amass such a quantity of power, he would be able to tear the world apart. The residual energy that Discord released was enough to charge Havoc’s reserves at a faster rate than his chaos domain ever could. ‘This is the power of a god,’ was the only thought that came to his mind.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Disharmony’s little bishop,” he said, a menacing grin adorning his face. Disharmony wasted no time in taking over Havoc’s body.

“D̿̂ͤ̐͢͏͏͓̯̜͖̼̺̟̗ī̡̙̭͇̜͒͘s͍̓͐̾̈ĉ̗͊̿͂͒̌̚͘ǫ̋̎̂ͦ̔̚҉͙̯̱̯̭r̼͈͈̔ͩͫ̃̌͐̋ḑ̶̱͕͓̳̫̩̞̗̐̀̂,” she said through Havoc’s lips. “Ỳ̡̛o̶u̸̶͞ ̶a̶̡re̛̕-”

Discord snapped his fingers and Havoc felt Disharmony’s presence leaving as soon as it had come. “What a meddlesome old hag,” he muttered with disgust. “Now, back to you…”

“Please don’t kill me?” Havoc blurted, scared out of his wits.

“Havoc, Havoc, Havoc,” Discord said with a reprimanding tone. “You should know better by now. I couldn’t kill you, even if I wanted to. You are, after all, a piece. Even I have to stick to the rules, and there’s no way to circumvent this one. No, I have come here to meet you. I wanted to meet the human that managed to survive fighting my daughter twice, and whose player is no other than my oldest enemy,” Discord’s eagle hand grabbed Havoc by the skull. “Now, the rules don’t say anything about doing something good to someone else’s piece, do they?” he asked, and then he started laughing as he poured his magic into Havoc.

Havoc felt Discord’s magic enter his body, like a tendril of power reaching towards Havoc’s very soul. Discord quickly moved to the wound that Bruce Mayne had inflicted upon Havoc, and he began to heal it. The process made Havoc feel an intense wave of euphoria that paralyzed him as Discord worked on him. A small part of Havoc’s mind that wasn’t overloaded by the sensation noticed that Discord wasn’t returning what Bruce’s balefire had erased, he was replacing it with something of his own. He finished as abruptly as he had started, and he released Havoc from his grip before taking a few steps back. Then, he pulled a camera from nowhere and did a couple of shots.

“Now that’s how a proper minor should look,” he said as he placed one of his arms around Havoc’s shoulder and used the other to show him the photos. Havoc, still scared out of his wits, decided to play along until Discord got bored of him. The photos of him showed that his missing moose antler had been replaced by a reindeer antler, which was around the same size his previous one was.

“See? You look smashing,” Discord said, chuckling as the photos turned into butterflies on fire that flew away. “And the best thing is that, now that a part of you is of my making, I can mess with Disharmony’s control over you!” he bursted into laughter as soon as he said that. “She is going to be so mad when she realizes what I have done! If only I could see her when she does, her reaction will be priceless!”

“... Can I leave now?” Havoc said. “I… I left something in the oven?”

“Leaving now, human?” he said, his playful mood replaced by a menacing tone. “I’m not done with you. What you want to do is impossible, anyways. It is against your nature to control your magic to such degree, it’s more likely for a turtle to fly by waving its leg than for you to stop spreading chaos magic. You will never be able to stop your presence from harming the only being in this world that cares about you.”

Discord’s bluntness felt like a physical hit to Havoc, who sat on the ground, appalled. Discord promptly slapped him and made him get up on his legs. “I have no time for your brony drama. I haven’t come here to mess with you. Well, not ONLY to mess with you. Now that I have some control over you, Disharmony won’t be able to possess your body whenever she feels like it. Thanks to this, and a certain draconequus’ silver tongue, Sunbutt and Moona are willing to let you live in Equestria without having to hide your true identity in fear of being turned into a garden ornament. Consider it my reward for standing up to Disharmony when she ordered you to harm Fluttershy. Despite Disharmony’s attempts at concealing your actions from my gaze, she is weak and distant and I am powerful and close, so I know everything there is to know about you. Also, since I have decided to convert into the church of friendshipology, and Xenu Sparkle says that ordering others to kill someone is a no-no, I have ordered Screwball to stop trying to get rid of you.”

“... I am still shocked because you are here talking to me and I’m not going to die because of that.”

“At least you aren’t freaking out and screaming in terror,” Discord said. “It was fun with the first humans I visited, but it got boring and predictable very soon... What, you think you were my number one priority?”

“I… This is just… Wow. I just… There’s so much I want to ask you now that you don’t want me dead. Like, how come you are on the ponies’ side now? How deep goes the connection between this and the cartoon on Earth? Is Rainbow Dash a lesbian? What really happened between you and Disharmony?”

“Well, this is a surprise. You are the first one that has actually asked me questions instead of just mentally begging that I would leave as soon as possible,” he commented. “Well, I’m supposed to be a ‘good guy’ now, so I will answer your questions out of the goodness of my heart!” he added, actually pulling his heart out of his chest and making small thumbs ups and smiley faces fall from it.

“Firstly, I think you of all humans will understand why I joined the ponies. Much like you have that copy of Pinkie Pie, I have found a friend in Fluttershy of all ponies. She believed that there was good in me and that I could change, and she showed me what having a friend is like. Confound these ponies, but this friendship of theirs is addictive! Now I understand why you adult human males are so obsessed with them. Thirdly, Disharmony is an old witch. Secondly, she’s called Rainbow Dyke for a reason.”

“>implying she doesn’t like it when stallions come inside,” Havoc replied. “But what’s the deal with Disharmony? She said you stole her power or something like that? I’m knee deep in this and I would like to know what kind of shit is swallowing me.”

“I’m going to need a drink if I’m going to tell you this story,” Discord replied, sitting on a beanbag he had summoned with his magic.

From the way Discord said those words, Havoc understood that, if the drink wasn’t of his taste, Discord would leave without answering his questions. He quickly made a mug full of cider appear, and then he poured it on the ground. The liquid created a minuscule blue apple as it touched the ground, which grew until reaching its proper size. Havoc grabbed it and stuck a straw on it, then he offered it to Discord. The draconequus took a bite out of it before throwing it against a tree, which turned into a timberwolf that quickly ran away.

"Pretty good, but turning a drink made with apples into an apple instead of anything else made you lose 3 points. I'll give you a Ponka π in a scale from Purple Smart to Yellow Quiet. Now, the old hag... You already know that my species is rather passive, with most of us being content with watching over the multiverse as if it was the biggest TV network in existence. Disharmony was the first draconequus who wanted more. She wants power, any kind of power that will put her above others. However, she knew that she couldn't rule over our race, because even the most laid back draconequi will fight against anyone trying to force them to follow rules and obey orders."

Discord turned into a teenager version of himself and continued talking. “Because of this, she tricked the youngest draconequi into following her. She told us that the other draconequi didn’t need so much power, as they only used a fraction of it to watch the dimensions. We, on the other hand, could use that power to leave the Nexus, enter the dimensions, and show their inhabitants how wonderful chaos was. It was a win-win situation, she said, we watch them as they act chaotically, and they are happier because they are free from order and boredom. Only when together we were powerful enough to match the rest of the draconequi in the Nexus did we realize that, for her, ruling came over chaos. Her only mistake was thinking that we were the same as her, and that we would accept being her seconds-in-command. Using the power we had stolen, we attacked her all at once and we stripped her of her powers, leaving her as weak and defenseless as a mortal. Then we returned the power we had left to the draconequi we had stolen it from.”

Discord’s head separated itself from his body and levitated around Havoc as he kept talking. “We never thought of killing her, because never before had a draconequus killed a draconequus. That was our mistake. Over the course of the millennia she gathered power, little by little, until she became strong enough to target the weakest of us. We were scattered, most of us having left the Nexus to live in dimensions and have an effect on the events that surrounded us. Returning to the Nexus meant death, as the travel is severely weakening and she was waiting for us. So I could only stay here as she killed the others one by one and stole their power. That’s the story,” he concluded, returning to his original shape.

“What a bitch,” Havoc said.

“Yeah, and you have been working for her,” Discord added.

“It’s not as if I have a choice in the matter.”

“Now you do,” he said. “Make sure you don’t blow this chance. Well, this has been a delightful conversation, but I can’t spend more time with you. If you ever see my dear Screwball remember that she is no longer your enemy. I would be very disappointed if you two got into a fight for no reason.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Havoc said, and Discord vanished in a flash of light, only to reappear in less than two seconds. “I forgot one little detail: if you don’t know where to go, I have heard Granite Back is a great place to charge your chaos batteries. Arrivederci!” this time he made a huge jetpack appear on his back and he flew away at insanely high speeds.

Havoc waited several seconds, until Discord was so far away that he couldn’t feel his grotesque amount of power. “Alright, time to see how my reindeer form is like."

Havoc made a huge mirror appear in front of him before turning into reindeer. As usual, the moment he transformed he felt as if he had always been a reindeer, the instincts kicking in. Thanks to the mirror he saw that he looked like the typical Santa Claus’ reindeer, and he noticed that his nose had a bright red colour. ‘Dafuq? … Oh God, does this mean what I think it means?’

Havoc focused on his nose and, to his delight, he instinctively knew what to do. He trotted and soon his hooves began to leave a trail of glistening dust and he began to run on the air, effectively flying.

“Best thing ever!” he shouted, all of his problems momentarily forgotten.

Author's Note

So, this is Discord's scale:
Best: Yellow Quiet
2nd: Sunbutt
3rd: Ponka π
4th: Moona
5th: Blue Fast
6th: Tree Kicker
7th: Marshmallow
Worst: Purple Smart

Screwball isn't in the scale because it's only for "normal" ponies.

INTERMISSION 4

Attila Sarois was angry. He had just walked into his home, and he was taking off his helmet as his twin sister unfastened the leather straps that secured his iron armor to his torso. What he was about to do required him to be naked.

“Talking with ponies was good?” she asked, as she continued to help him take off his armor.

“No good, Alpha never try to negotiate,” he answered, frustrated, as he scratched his head covered in dark green fur. The armor itched when worn for too long. “Only make ponies come to laugh at Drogur and Queen Moon. He thinks we stronger.”

“We strong,” his sister replied, slightly offended. “Yellow Topaz fears no den or dragon.”

“Yes, we strong,” he conceded. “But they many, and use magic, and Queen Moon be with them.”

“Then we die?”

“No, only one dies,” he replied. “I challenge Alpha, I negotiate. Fight is death, better live with no slaves.”

“You sure? He strong, and we no alpha blood,” she said, concerned.

“Yes, but he old and slow. If Alpha wins, you leave. He no mercy, he kill me and he kill you.”

“You right. I leave if Alpha wins,” she sighed as she finished undressing him.

“You good bitch, Etelka. You find good den and have pups. I challenge now, ponies attack soon.”

Attila left his sister without further words. He knew he had to do what he was about to do: it was his duty as the Beta to defeat and replace the current Alpha if he was no longer fit to rule. Yellow Topaz was one of the largest diamond dog dens in Gem Fido. More than five thousand dogs lived together, and they had at least one slave for every three dogs. Instead of having small, concealed holes leading to their den, their entrance was as big as a road and protected by fortified walls with several ballistas placed atop them, which discouraged even the boldest dragons. Their fleet of ten zeppelins was away, each one searching for slaves on a different part of the world. Being located under a valley also prevented other diamond dogs from attacking them by digging into them, as the river that crossed the valley generated large underground deposits of water that could drown a team of digging dogs that dug into one. Due to all of this, capturing Yellow Topaz would take a long time and result in a lot of casualties for both sides. Even then, Attila knew the pony army would ultimately win. Princess Luna could fight against an army of diamond dogs on her own, and the crystal ponies’ tactics and skill made them much deadlier than the diamond dogs, who relied only in their superior strength. Lastly, Drogur and his diamond dogs made it impossible for the Yellow Topaz dogs to use their best tactic against non-dogs: attacking from the underground. An army of diamond dogs suddenly bursting out of the ground could quickly destroy an unprepared army, and injured dogs could easily fall back into the ground, where nopony could catch them.

Something gleaming and blue made him snap out of his thoughts. He found himself facing Luna, Drogur and their honor guard of ten crystal ponies, who were being escorted out of Yellow Topaz by a score of diamond dogs. The alicorn princess was wearing black regalia, while Drogur had a black suit. The crystal ponies wore the armors that the dogs in Gem Fido had learned to fear.

“Leaving so soon?” he asked, trying to sound friendly.

“Indeed, your Alpha made his intentions very clear,” Luna replied, frowning. “We’d rather return to our camp than remain underground.”

“You should wait a bit longer, Queen of Stars,” Attila said, struggling to speak in “proper” Equestrian. “I think the Alpha is feeling weak today.”

Drogur’s eyes sparkled with intensity when he understood the meaning behind Attila’s words. With that said, Attila continued walking.

“Queen of Stars?” he heard Luna ask Drogur. “Just how many names have your people made up for me?”

Attila didn’t register Drogur’s reply, as he was reminiscencing the day he became Beta. He had been the captain of a zeppelin for years, until he made a trip to the Zebrican Islands. The trip was uneventful at first: they reached the islands, raided a village for slaves, and turned back. Then two dragons attacked the zeppelin at once when they were at a distance of two days of travel from Yellow Topaz. The zeppelin had enough firepower to hold back a single dragon, but they were quickly overwhelmed by the coordinated attack. In the end, Attila ordered his crew to do an emergency landing and dig deep into the ground while the dragons were busy with the slaves. That saved them, as they would have died if they had continued fighting. The Beta didn’t share Attila’s opinion. He said that Attila shouldn’t have lost the ship and the slaves, no matter what, and that his punishment should be to work in the mines. Attila had then challenged the Beta, convinced that a Beta that couldn’t understand that no dog could have done better than him didn’t deserve to be the Beta. Being a captain of a diamond dog zeppelin was already similar to being a Beta, since any dog who thought he would be a better captain could challenge him, so Attila had eventually become very good at fighting other dogs. The previous Beta was all muscle and no brain, and Attila had had to deal with many like him aboard his zeppelin, so he rose victorious with relatively little effort.

‘If I win and I Alpha, I must be fast. Next Beta will fight me when I say we peace and no war. Must make peace before that, then Beta that beats me and is next Alpha no war because he will be traitor to allies,’ he thought as he reached the Alpha’s home, a palace-like building carved in the walls of their cave. Then he inhaled, filling his lungs with as much air as possible, and he released a howl as deep and loud as he could. His howling made all the diamond dogs that heard it stop what they were doing and turn to face him, shocked. A few seconds later they echoed Attila Sarois’ howl so all the dogs in the warren knew that the Beta had challenged the Alpha. By the time the Alpha came out of his house, also naked, a crowd of five hundred diamond dogs had formed a wide circle around Attila and the Alpha’s house. The Alpha howled in response to Attila’s challenge, and his powerful howling made Attila’s seem like a cub’s in comparison.

“You challenge me, Beta Attila Sarois,” the Alpha said, incredulous. “Why?”

“Alpha Matyas Rakois, you no deserve ruling,” Attila proclaimed. “You will make all dogs die fighting pony army. When I Alpha, I save Yellow Topaz from death.”

Matyas laughed, a cruel laugh that sounded more like a bark. “You think you have what it takes to be an Alpha?” he asked, no longer speaking the diamond dog’s primitive version of Equestrian in order to show his superiority. “You don’t have the blood of an alpha, you have no idea how to rule over a pack, and you are too weak to defeat me. You weren’t even born in Yellow Topaz, the scouts found you and your sister in the burning remains of Blood Ruby after the dragon attack and brought you here. When I beat you I’ll make sure you die you should have died: burnt in the ruins of your den.“

With that said, both dogs bared their teeth and began to circle each other. Matyas truly was an alpha, being more than a head taller than Attila, bulkier and with a more feral look. However, he was past his prime. It was said that his reflexes weren’t as good as they used to be, and he had a slight limp from the last time a Beta challenged him, as the leg bone the Beta had broken never fully healed. Attila knew that only by exploiting the Alpha’s weaknesses, would he be victorious.

Matyas attacked first, quickly moving towards Attila and trying to hit him in the head with a swipe, but Attila ducked below the Alpha’s arm and darted to the side as Matyas tried to grab him. Attila stepped back and watched closely as Matyas quickly turned to face him again, his predator mind noticing that the Alpha had to put his right hand on the ground to assist his crippled leg. They resumed circling each other, waiting for the other to make a mistake. Attila decided to test the Alpha’s defenses with a quick slash at his face, which the Alpha narrowly dodged. Then Attila moved back before Matyas could return his attack with his longer reach. This continued for a long minute, with both dogs hesitating to get in reach of the other’s jaws. Matyas went closer and tried to maul Attila, who tried to maul him back. Their attacks only grazed each other, inflicting small wounds and scratches. They both knew that trying to inflict deep wounds would leave them exposed to an equally painful attack. Their arms began to move slower as they moved away from each other before the accumulated wounds became an issue due to blood loss, in Attila’s case, or before running out of breath, in Matyas’ case.

“I don’t have time to play with you,” Matyas said, breathing noticeably heavier than before. “I have a battle to plan and-”

Matyas charged against Attila, his phrase turning into a roar as he did, trying to take advantage of his opponent’s lack of attention. However, he didn’t take into account that Attila’s work as the captain of a zeppelin had trained him to be always alert to everything that happened around him, so Attila anticipated the Alpha’s attack and moved to his right side. Matyas tried to turn and lunge towards Attila before he got out of his reach, but his lamed leg forced him to plant his right hand on the ground to support himself. Attila attacked the moment Matyas’ hand touched the ground, slashing between the elbow and the shoulder with his powerful claws. The three deep wounds his claws inflicted immediately started bleeding, making Matyas grunt in pain as he quickly shifted to a stance that allowed him to retaliate if Attila tried to attack him again.

They continued to circle each other, but this time getting a bit closer with each step. Attila decided to attack first, but just as he raised his paw to try to hit Matyas, the Alpha threw a fistful of dirt to Attila’s head, blinding him. Attila yelped in surprise, as he had never considered that dirt could, unlike the wooden floor of a zeppelin, be used as a weapon. This allowed Matyas to grab his forearms and move them away from his body. Attila tried to break free, but the Alpha’s powerful arms could have been made of steel for all of his efforts. Matyas forced Attila to assume a cross-like position, bringing their heads closer as their arms spread. Attila, still blinded by the dirt in his eyes, tried to bit Matyas; but he only bit air. Matyas, on the other hand, quickly sank his teeth into Attila’s left ear and violently jerked his head, tearing it off. Attila let out a high-pitched cry of pain as Matyas tried to bite his other ear. Attila moved his head away and Matyas’ jaw closed around his right shoulder.

‘Must act now!’ Attila managed to think through a cloud of pain and rage, and he quickly flexed his legs. Then he stretched them with all his might in a kick aimed at Matyas’ lame leg. The blow was accompanied by a sickening crunch, and Matyas fell to the ground, his cry of pain twice as loud as Attila’s.

The Alpha had been defeated, but there was something that Attila had to do. He was sure that, should Matyas be spared, he would become a dangerous foe, undermining him on each chance and waiting to challenge him in a moment of weakness. Due to this, he didn’t hesitate when he took a spear from the paws of one of the dogs that had witnesses the fight and stabbed Matyas in the neck before he could plead for his life. Someone started to cry in anguish, and a quick look confirmed that it was Matyas’ bitch. Attila knew that he had to prove that he wasn’t a weak-willed Alpha, or else the alliance with the ponies would be seen as weakness and would force him to face challenges from Betas all the time until he lost. Due to this, he took the spear out of the Alpha’s neck and, using his bare claws, beheaded him. Attila found the strongest-looking dog after quickly checking the ones that were watching him and gave him Matyas’ head.

“Name?” he asked as he gave him the head.

“Dalk, my Alpha.”

“You impale it on main entrance,” he ordered. “You Beta now.”

The dog he had chosen would consider it twice before daring to challenge him after having impaled the head of the previous Alpha, and it would take time for a dog strong enough to beat Dalk to become the next Beta.

“You,” he said, pointing at another dog. “Find Queen Moon and Alpha Drogur, tell them Alpha wants to talk. And someone take bitch away,” he added, pointing at Matyas’ wife, who was now hugging his beheaded corpse and crying.

“-now I only need you to sign here and it’ll be official,” Luna explained.

“You can just dip your finger in ink and-” Drogur began, only for Attila to grab a feather and put his signature on the bottom of the scroll, next to Luna’s.

“Now that we are allies, you bring here your ponies so they take our slaves to freedom,” Attila said, refraining from touching the bandages that covered his wounds. His missing ear was the injury that hurt the most. “Meanwhile, you fulfill your part of the deal, unless you want to renegotiate whenever a new Alpha appears.”

“I know, I know,” Drogur said with a hint of annoyance. “We need to go to a place where I can teach you how I do magic without anyone else snooping. Princess Luna, could you teleport us to such a location? I think you can come back for us in… Two hours.”

“Not yet,” she said. “I want to check on the slaves first. When they are free and being treated by our medics then you can teach him anything you want.”

The visit to the slaves pens was long and unpleasant. Unlike Granite Back, Yellow Topaz kept its slaves with the bare minimum of food and water for them to stay alive, and sometimes even less. Hygiene was an alien concept to them, and many had forgotten what sunlight felt like. The stench was almost unbearable, and it carried the characteristic smell of decomposing flesh. The fact that carnivorous slaves often ate the pony slaves that were too weak to work was well known. The slaves’ reactions to Princess Luna varied wildly. Some cried in either fear or relief, certain that Luna was Death herself that had come to take them away. Others felt hope for the first time in years, having heard rumours from the dogs that many other warrens had been conquered and forced to release all their slaves. Lastly, there were a few whose faces remained blank, too far gone to realize that an alicorn was in front of them.

“Listen to me” Luna gently said, her voice reaching the ears of all the slaves thanks to her magic. “I am Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria. Your days of captivity and forced labour are over. In a couple of hours, you will be taken away from here, to the outside. There, you will be fed and your diseases will be treated by our medics. The nightmare is over, it’s time to wake up and go back to the life of happiness and freedom that you deserve.”

“I’m not happy with teaching you my secrets,” Drogur told Attila, after Luna had finally sent them to a lost wood in the middle of nowhere. “It’s better than dealing with all the work that comes from releasing slaves and forming an alliance with a new den, but I’m still not happy.”

“It must be done,” Attila argued back. “I have no alpha blood. Without magic to defeat Betas, I’ll be defeated by a stronger dog soon. Then, you’ll have five thousand dogs revolting if the new Alpha is stupid enough to order them to do that.”

“Yes, yes, I know. You intrigue me, where did you learn to write and talk proper Equestrian?”

“I was the captain of a zeppelin. I made a slave teach me to read and write, and another to help me talk like the other races. Sometimes you need to restock in a place too well guarded to simply sack it, or trade with another species. When that happens, your only weapons are here,” he explained, poking his skull. “Now, how do you use magic?”

Drogur sighed. “You must keep what I’m going to teach you in secret. There are some words that have… Power. When you say them aloud while touching something with magic energy you will do a spell. The spell will depend on the word AND what you want it to do. For example… Colossus.”

The moment he said that word, he grew to twice his size. “This is what happens when I say that word thinking in becoming bigger, now I stop giving energy to the spell to return to normal and… Colossus.”

This time, a couple of rocks near them came to life and walked to Drogur’s side, who then stopped the spell so they would return to normal.

“Doing magic like this is very easy, which is why it must be kept in secret. I have never taught anyone else this, so maybe you can’t even do this unless you are born with a magical capacity. But if every living being in Equis can use magic like this…”

“Anyone with a gem hidden in a pocket could use magic as a weapon,” Attila concluded.

“Good, now take this gem,” Drogur said, taking a small ruby from a pocket and throwing it to Attila. “Try saying ‘color’ and thinking of blue until you manage to channel the magic energy and something changes color. I’m going to continue reading this book meanwhile,” he explained, pulling a small book from another pocket.

Cloudy Sunset finally turned around to return to the camp. She had spent the last hours scouting the clouded sky with three more pegasi, trying to detect dragon activity so the army on the ground could be warned.

“Cloudy, now that we are flying back to our camp,” began her wingpony, Silverwing. “Could you tell us what the Wonderbolt Academy was like? We are curious about it. Is it true that you were Spitfire’s wingpony?”

“You know, the first time an unicorn said that in the scouting division we gossiped like hens I thought he was just being racist,” Cloudy replied. “Now I see he does have a point.”

The three ponies flying behind her looked at each other, wondering if she was angry or amused.

“The Academy was an incredible place,” Cloudy began, to her team’s relief. “We trained until we dropped dead on our beds, only to wake up with the sunrise and train again. There was a lot of competition between us for being the best, and we loved every second of it. We practiced maneuvers that tested our skill, our resolve and our reflexes. Spitfire was the best of us. She was the first to wake up every morning, the last to leave the training courses, and the only one who broke Academy records. Being her wingpony, and her friend, was an incredible experience. When I had the accident, she stood by my side until I woke up from the coma. I learned afterwards that she almost got expelled for missing classes to stay with me. I think that, if it weren’t for her support… I wouldn’t be here today.”

“Come on, Cloudy,” Silverwing said, trying to take her away from such dark thoughts. “Tell us the juicy stuff. Did you and Spitfire ever do something silly? Pranking a drill sergeant, maybe?”

“Well, there was this one time… We were training together, doing a set of high-speed maneuvers. The ponies on the watch tower were drinking coffee in the meanwhile, so we did a flyby at our top speed a few inches above them. We startled the captain of the Wonderbolts so badly that she poured coffee all over herself.”

The four of them bursted into laughter, which encouraged Cloudy enough to tell more of the “feats” she and Spitfire had accomplished together. They reached the camp without further incidences, other than Silverwing losing control of his wings due to how hard he was laughing.

“Welcome back,” greeted the pony in charge of receiving their reports. “Anything to report?”

“Nothing, the skies were clear and there was no signs of hostile presences on the ground,” Cloudy answered.

“Good,” he replied, writing down something on a large parchment. “Oh, by the way. We aren’t fighting against Yellow Topaz, they have agreed to release the slaves and become our allies. Everypony is running around the camp, making sure we are ready to take in the two thousand slaves these dogs had down there.”

“Two thousand?!” Silverwing blurted, and then he whistled. “That’s, like, a small town worth of ponies.”

“And zebras, griffins, diamond dogs, the odd camel, maybe even a horse or one of those vulture griffins,” another member of Cloudy’s group added. “At this rate we’ll find they have seapony slaves digging in the underground lakes.”

“Yeah, seaponies. And a human too,” Silverwing joked. “Everypony knows seaponies are an old mare’s tale.”

“Well, I wouldn’t put humans and seaponies in the same bag,” Cloudy said. “I have heard rumours about humans living among us disguised as any creature they want. Somepony even told me that the griffin leader of the pirates that have been attacking diamond dog dens on the other corner of Gem Fido is a human.”

“Well, I have been told that Celestia turned her pupil Twilight Sparkle into an alicorn,” Silverwing replied. “Are you going to believe that, too?”

They shared a hearty laugh at such a ridiculous notion.

22: Ruined Forever (Thanks M.A. Larson)

The sun was setting when Havoc got bored of running through the air as a magical Christmas reindeer. At first he had just enjoyed the flying, but soon he found himself thinking about what to do next. Discord had told him that there was no way for him to be with Diane without harming her, so staying around Trottingham wasn’t an option. Then he realized that, if Discord had convinced Celestia and Luna to allow him to stay in Equestria, he could go to Ponyville and learn what else had happened to the ponies since he last saw them. He didn’t know if Discord’s release had been the finale of season 3, so he was curious about it. He decided to go to Ponyville and, afterwards, going to Granite Back to check on the diamond dogs and see why Discord had suggested him to go there. He landed and, turning into his tree-man form, he rooted his feet to the ground and soon fell asleep.

The sunrise woke him up from a dreamless sleep, and he quickly turned into teen dragon and flew towards Ponyville. He soon realized that Ponyville was rather distant, and it would take him days to arrive at his current pace. ‘A random enough trick could make me reach Ponyville in seconds, but what? I don’t have enough energy now to teleport there, even if I did some sort of retarded teleport like coming out of a pony’s bellybutton... Turning into a plane or something like that is suicide… Maybe knocking on a random door that will make a door in Ponyville sound and, when they open it, it’ll be as a portal from my position to theirs? No, that would take even more energy than teleporting… What if… What if I just take a lot of chaos energy from the nearest village and simply teleport there? … Yes, that’s what I’m going to do. I’ll troll some ponies until I have enough energy to teleport without reaching Ponyville powerless, because that town is always being attacked by monsters and stuff.’

The sky was clear, without a single cloud on it, so Havoc flew upwards until he noticed that he had to beat his wings twice as fast to avoid falling. Hugging himself due to the cold, he looked to the ground and found a small town less than thirty kilometers away. ‘That town is either Colton or Ponysfield. Now, what could cause lots of chaos in that town, without everypony blaming me for it? Nothing related to screwing with physics of nature… Maybe make ponies fight each other? Or exploit their herd instinct? Expose just how racist there horses are?’

By the time he reached the town, Havoc had come up with something that might be considered a plan. He landed near the town’s outskirts and transformed into an old, white bearded, red-coated unicorn with a shepherd’s crook as his cutie mark. He was wearing a white tunic and a red mantlet, and he had saddlebags with old books in them. He spoke a few words until he managed to sound like a wise old man, and then he entered the town. Walking with a slow but sure pace and with his eyes gleaming with determination, he drawed the towns’ residents attention as he approached the city center. By the time he reached it, a small crowd of curious foals was following him. He climbed to a large wooden box and began to loudly talk so everypony in the area could hear him.

“Ponies of Colton! Do not be afraid; for behold, I, Rogan, bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the ponies!” he boomed, his beard and mane blowing with a wind he had conjured with his own magic. “Faust hath shared Her holy wisdom with me. Come, gather around me so I can show you the Light. For I know the plans She has for us. Plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future. Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of Faust’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to Faust—this is your spiritual act of worship!”

“Wait, what?” asked one of the ponies who was closest to Havoc when he urged them to offer their bodies as sacrifices.

“WOLOLOOOOOO!” Havoc chanted, and the first line of ponies suddenly turned into red-coated ponies. These ponies turned back to face the non-converted ponies and repeated Havoc’s chant.

“Wololo! Wololo! Wololo!” they all said, making even more ponies turn red.

Havoc joined them in their converting spree, shouting “wololo” at anypony who hadn’t been turned red yet and gorging on the chaos energy that was being created.

As the non-converted ponies’ numbers dimmed due to being wololoed or managing to escape, less and less chaos reached Havoc. When the number of red ponies that wandered aimlessly, looking for a new target, became noticeably big, Havoc spoke again.

“You have done a great deed today!” he proclaimed. “Now, my brothers and sisters, you must guide me to the closest apple tree so we can please Faust with our devotion and our offerings!”

The ponies walked as a single being towards the nearest apple tree, which happened to be just behind one of the buildings that faced the square where Havoc had started his preaching. He placed himself between the apple tree and talked to them again.

“Look at your coats. They are red now. Red like blood, red like love, red like life. Red like Faust’s glorious mane! Now watch the apple, red and full of life! Truly, this is a fruit blessed by the Glory of Faust herself! Sisters and brothers, we must show Faust that we appreciate her Love above all else. Say it with me: I love apples! I love apples! I love apples!”

The ponies soon started to repeat his words as a chorus. As they did, Havoc hugged the tree with his forelegs. They chorus’ voices became louder and louder until they were shouting at the top of their lungs.

“I LOVE APPLES! I LOVE APPLES! I LOVE APPLES!”

When the ponies reached their maximum volume, a glowing red apple appeared out of nowhere and fell towards Havoc’s head, who took a bite out of it midair. As soon as he did, he found himself hugging a completely different apple tree. This apple tree was in the middle of a snow-covered orchard, surrounded by several more apple trees.

‘I can’t believe this shitty plan worked so well… Wait, I recognize this apple tree! Wow, this is the same apple tree I slept on when I first came to Ponyville… This tree is on to me, I better get away from it.’

Meanwhile, back in Colton, a crowd of no longer hypnotised ponies dispersed, wondering why they were all staring at an apple tree.

Turning into his owl form, Havoc quickly gained altitude and tried to find Fluttershy’s cottage. He spent the next hour trying to remember where the cottage was supposed to be, the snow that covered the whole place covering any landmark that could have guided him, until he found it by pure chance. Landing in front of the door, he returned to his original form and politely knocked on the door.

“I’m coming,” he heard Fluttershy say just loud enough so he could register her words. A faint flapping noise grew louder until the yellow pegasus opened the door. When she did, she reeled back with a mix of shock and fear. “Oh my,” she whispered.

“Good morning, Fluttershy,” Havoc said, trying to sound as friendly as possible. “I’m sorry for showing up without warning, but I wonder if I could talk to you for a few minutes.”

“S-sure, please come in, Havoc, was it?” she said as she led him to a large sofa where Angel the Bunny was sitting. “Do you want some tea and pastries?”

“No, thanks,” Havoc dismissed her offer, gently grabbing Angel with his paw and sitting on the sofa. “I’ll cut to the chase. Yesterday Discord visited me and we had the weirdest conversation ever. Is he really a good guy now?” Angel bit Havoc’s finger, so his gentle grasp on the bunny stopped being so gentle. In fact, the little bunny began to struggle because he couldn’t breathe.

“I am certain that he is,” Fluttershy replied. “He’s still new to having friends, and his chaotic nature is still with him. However, he is my friend, and I know he won’t do anything that could hurt our friendship.”

“That’s great,” Havoc said, and he stopped a few seconds when he noticed a Discord-shaped lamp next to him. “...I needed to know, thank you, Fluttershy. I owe you a favour, now that he is your friend I don’t have to be afraid of how is he going to try to kill me next.”

“Actually… There is something you could do to help me, and I would really appreciate it,” Fluttershy added. “If it’s not much to ask, that is.”

“I’ll do my best to help.”

Fluttershy nodded and led him upstairs. Havoc dropped Angel, who gasped with anxiety, and followed her to her bedroom, but he stopped mid step on the frame of the door when he saw her fly to her bed and sit on it. ‘Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God! What does she want to do on the bed?!!!’ his mind went into overdrive.

“You see, the problem is that Discord forgot to return everything to normal when he left,” Fluttershy explained, to Havoc’s instant relief and disappointment. “Whenever anypony steps on the floor of the bedroom… Well, try yourself.”

Only when he was sure that Fluttershy didn’t want to do THAT with him did he feel Discord’s magic on the floor of the room. Cautiously, he stepped into the room, and as soon as he did, a familiar song could be heard in the room.

“Yeah, I can see how this might become annoying after a few days,” Havoc said. “Alright, let’s see what I can do.”

Focusing, he tried to suck Discord’s chaos energy out of the room. At first nothing happened, but after a few seconds he began to absorb a trickle of energy, and it felt like trying to drink a really thick milshake with a small straw. Little by little, the trickle grew into a current of energy that soon could be seen by the naked eye as several golden tendrils thinner than a hair entering his body, and the song’s volume diminished. The process lasted less than a minute, and when Havoc tried walking again no song was played.

“Hm… That was surprisingly easy,” Havoc said.

“Thank you so much, Havoc,” Fluttershy said, smiling. “I asked Twilight if she could do something about it, but even with her alicorn magic she couldn’t do nothing to stop it.”

“Well, chaos magic is very... Wait, what was that about alicorn magic?”

“Oh, I thought you would already know. You see, a few weeks ago Twilight managed to create a completely new brand of magic by completing a spell made by Starswirl the Bearded,” Fluttershy began to talk faster and louder in excitement. “When she did, the Elements sparked to life and took her away. She appeared a few moments later with wings on her back! And Princess Celestia also arrived and said that she was now a princess, too!”

Fluttershy heard a sound similar to a glass breaking come from inside Havoc’s head. Then his eyes turned pitch black for a second, only to turn into a deep blue with white letters on them. Curious, she flew closer to his head to read them. She found that both eyes displayed the same text:

“Oh my…” she whispered, blushing. Then she frowned. “If this is a joke, it’s not funny.”

Havoc stood there, immobile, and when Fluttershy poked him he didn’t react. The pegasus decided to resume her chores until Havoc got bored of standing still, and she had almost forgotten about him when, twenty minutes later, she heard a noise like she had never heard before coming from her bedroom. She quickly flew there and found that Havoc’s eyes were normal again but inexpressive, and his mouth was producing that sound. When the sound stopped, Havoc blinked and looked at her.

“Is everything alr-”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Havoc loudly shouted, as he slammed Fluttershy’s bedroom’s door closed, only to open it again. When he did, the door no longer led to the rest of Fluttershy’s cottage. Instead, it acted as a portal between Ponyville’s Library and the bedroom. Fluttershy could see Twilight and Spike on the other side, startled by their sudden appearance.

“UNACCEPTABLE!” Havoc shrieked as he pointed at Twilight, and then he grabbed Fluttershy by the tail and bursted into the library, the door closing behind them and vanishing. “HASBRO! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!” He immediately started firing energy burst in random directions, which turned whatever they hit into lava lamps.

“Fluttershy!” Twilight screamed. “What’s going on?!”

“RUINED FOREVER. YOU HAVE RUINED IT FOREVER. Let’s see how many toys you sell when they all have HUGE HORSECOCKS!”

Energy beams surged from Havoc’s hand, aimed at Fluttershy and Twilight. The latter rose a barrier that blocked the attack, but the former wasn’t so lucky.

“Eep!” Fluttershy gasped as she noticed the new, throbbing addition to her body, which was so large that it could boop her nose if she looked down.

“Spike, close your eyes!” Twilight ordered, flustered, then she turned to face Havoc.“You, stop this madness!”

“I think his name was Havoc,” Spike commented, his hands covering his eyes.

“Right. Havoc! Stop this madness or I’ll do it myself!”

“NEVER!” Havoc shouted back, and then he teleported behind her and grabbed her wings.

“What are you doing?! NO!” she said, trying to turn her head and hit him with a spell, realizing that a magically powerful and clearly deranged being had grabbed her delicate wings.

A *POP* sound was heard as Havoc pulled Twilight’s wings, and suddenly they were no longer attached to her body. Havoc then placed them on the sides of his head, and they magically became part of his body.

“There, problem solved,” he said, relaxing.

“Hey, give them back!” Twilight complained, too confused by the draconequus’ antics to do anything else.

“No, I’m saving the show.”

“What are you talking about? Just give me back my wings!”

“Nope!” Havoc said, and then he darted out of the Library, Twilight’s wings flapping on his head.

Twilight and Spike chased him as he sprinted through the snow-covered town, while Fluttershy was too shocked by her new body part to leave the Library. He had apparently forgotten that he could use his wings to get away from them, so he clumsily ran on all fours. Most Ponyvillians who saw them just went on with their daily business, as they had grown used to the amount of insane stuff that happened in their town. Others screamed in fright, though.

Havoc’s legs led him to Rarity’s boutique. He barged into the building and tackled Rarity as soon as spotted her working on a dress.

“AAAAAH!” she shrieked in a high-pitched tone. “Unhand me, you ruffian!”

Havoc detached the wings from his head and placed them on Rarity’s back. “There, now YOU are a princess.”

“Wahaha!”

Rarity’s pupils were reduced to pinpricks when she realized she could feel and move the purple wings on her back. The ex-alicorn and baby dragon chasing Havoc ran into the boutique and then Havoc teleported away.

“Rarity! Are you hurt?” Twilight asked.

“Don’t worry, I’m perfectly fine… But it seems that somepony thinks I should be the alicorn instead of you… Can you undo this? I would rather keep everything the way it’s meant to be.”

“I don’t know, we know so little about chaos magic! I fear I will hurt you if I try to remove the wings or stop the spell that he has placed on them. I doubt he’s powerful enough to make this change permanent, but I would rather not learn how long will his changes last or what will happen to you and me when the wings stop being affected by his magic. Let’s move before he goes too far away!”

Havoc, in the meanwhile, had reached Sugarcube Corner and was struggling to squeeze through its door. The ponies inside seemed to be too confused by the annoyed draconequus’ antics to be afraid of him.

“Damn it, how come I could use all those other doors and now I can’t walk through THIS one in particular?” he muttered, until he decided to shrink himself with magic. “So, this is Sugarcube Corner, right?”

“T-that’s right, s-sir,” Carrot Cake, the earth pony who owned the store answered. “H-how may I serve you?”

“Hm… I have a craving for chocolate. I’ll have one of those birthday party cakes behind you.”

“Of course, sir. That will be twenty-nine bits.”

Havoc facepalmed. “Great, I forgot to take any money with me when I left Trottingham. Damn, I really wanted some of that delicious cake. Well, I think I’ll leave, then. I’m probably scaring away customers.”

Havoc walked towards the door when a voice he recognized very well called him by his name. For a very brief moment, he was convinced that it was Diane who had somehow followed him; but he knew it was only Pinkie Pie. He couldn’t help but notice the subtle differences between the original and her copy. Diane had lost some weight after months living as a Merry Mare and not living in a bakery, so Pinkie was noticeable chubbier. The hairstyles were also slightly different, but the main difference for him was in the eyes. Pinkie’s eyes sparked with innocence, like those of a child, while Diane had lost her innocence when Twilight killed all of her “sisters” and almost killed her.

“Hello, Pinkie,” Havoc greeted back, unable to sound cheerful after such dark thoughts.

“What are you doing here? Do you want Fluttershy to teach you the magic of friendship, too? You have a new horn?”

“Eh… No, I think I already know about friendship. I’m just passing by and decided to take a look around. And maybe make sure that Discord is good now because he kinda appeared in front of me and talked to me and it was the scariest thing ever.”

“Oh my gosh did he do anything evil? Because if he did-we-can-tell-Fluttershy-so-she-makes-sure-that-he-stops-being-a-meanie-and-if-he-doesn’t-then-we-can-use-the-Elements-of-Harmony-on-him-again.”

“Thanks-but-no-he-just-wanted-to-talk-with-me-about-stuff-and-he-was-actually-helpful. What-I-don’t-understand-is-why-did-you-even-decide-to-give-him-a-second-chance-instead-of-letting-him-stay-as-a-stone-statue,” Havoc replied, speaking as fast as Pinkie.

“I-don’t-get-it-either-it-was-Princess-Celestia’s-idea-and-when-he-decided-to-stop-being-mean-she-said-she-had-a-mission-for-him-or-something-like-that-so-I-guess-that-mission-is-the-reason-why-she-decided-to-give-him-a-second-chance. Apart-from-the-fact-that-everypony-deserves-a-second-chance.”

Soon they were both talking at the same time yet somehow understanding what the other said. They continued their conversation until Twilight, Raricorn, Spike and Rainbow Dash, who had joined them at some point, found him.

“Havoc! Fix this!” Twilight demanded.

“Hey, where is Futashy? I hope you didn’t let her alone with her new friend, it could cause a sticky mess.”

“Enough with the nonsense,” Rainbow Dash snapped. “Fix what you have done to them or else!”

“Fine, fine, sheesz.”

Havoc approached Rarity and took the wings away from her. Then he walked towards Twilight and, in the blink of an eye, took her horn away from her and placed it and the wings on Pinkie Pie. “Pinkiecorn!”

“Ooooh! The wings tickle! Wait, I think I-,” her phrase was cut short as Twilight’s horn began to gleam on her forehead and fired a magic beam at Havoc’s chest. The beam made him crash through Sugarcube Corner’s wall. “Ohmygosh I didn’t mean to do that!”

“It wasn’t you,” Twilight explained. “It was me. Unlike my wings, I can somehow feel and use my horn even though it’s not on my body. Maybe now he will realize that his antics aren’t amusing for anypony.”

“Or maybe he will get angry enough to attack us!” Spike exclaimed as he pointed at the hole on the wall.

Havoc walked back into the building through the hole, his body glowing with a golden aura of power. His eyes seemed to have become pitch black, with no irises or pupils, and his aura sometimes lashed against the nearest objects. He was breathing heavily through his teeth, that seemed to have become sharper since the ponies last noticed them. His chest was bleeding profusely from the wound that Twilight’s magic had caused, and the blood turned into spiders as soon as it touched the floor.

“Twilight Sparkle,” he growled. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

The customers who still hadn’t quietly left the bakery since Havoc’s appearance decided that now was a good moment to run away. Meanwhile, the element bearers prepared to fight Havoc.

“Now who is going to pay for the repairs?” Havoc exclaimed, his appearance returning to normal. “You blew a hole on poor Mr Cake’s house! Way to go, princess!”

Everypony groaned in annoyance.

“So, let me get this straight,” Rainbow Dash said. “This Bruce Mayne did all of that without anypony stopping him? How come nopony in Canterlot did something about it? How come Princess Celestia let that happen?”

An hour had passed since Twilight made a Havoc-sized hole in Sugarcube Corner. After that, Havoc had finally apologised for his behaviour and returned her her body parts. Twilight had agreed to pay the repairs and Carrot Cake had then gifted them the chocolate cake that Havoc wanted to show his gratitude. They had then decided to return to the Library and question Havoc about his whereabouts while he ate the cake after he made Futashy become Fluttershy again. Luckily for Spike, who would have been forced to clean it afterwards, Futashy had managed not to make a mess in the library.

As usual, Havoc had told them an abridged version of his exploits in which Diane didn’t exist, and neither did I for that matter (I am Turmoil, just in case any of you was inconsiderate enough to forget). Havoc considered himself quite proficient at lying, and it seemed that he wasn’t that bad at it since nopony had interrupted his story until Rainbow Dash spoke up. He had also managed to learn about what the ponies had been up to Season 3 by asking from time to time.

He also was finding it hard not to be angry at Twilight. Whenever he looked at her, he remembered all the suffering Diane had been through because of her. At first the surprise of seeing her as an alicorn had made him forget about that, but now he couldn’t stop thinking of Diane crying herself into sleep out of fear of being sent back to the Mirror Pool and sadness of having being rejected by her friends because she wasn’t the original Pinkie Pie.

“Honestly, I have no idea,” was Havoc’s answer to Rainbow Dash. “I guess he somehow managed to keep all of his actions in secret so nopony outside of Trottingham knew what was happening. That, or he had friends in Canterlot that made everypony else believe that Trottingham was doing fine.”

“What are you planning to do next?” Twilight asked. “Are you going to move to Ponyville?”

“Well, Discord suggested me to go to Granite Back, so I think…” he noticed that the ponies were making weird faces and looking at each other. “Alright, where’s the catch?”

“A few weeks after Sombra was defeated Cadance formed an alliance with the leader of the diamond dogs of Granite Back,” Twilight explained. “This caused another diamond dog clan to attack the Crystal Empire, and soon we were in war against them. Drogur and Shining Armor crushed them, and then two more diamond dog clans declared war against them. Now the Crystal Empire has conquered a fifth of all the diamond dog warrens in Gem Fido, and it seems they aren’t going to stop until they have conquered all of Gem Fido.”

“Oh, so that’s what he meant. Yeah, fighting in a war is something that would really charge my batteries. So, Drogur is fighting along your brother? Heh, I can’t wait to see that.”

“Havoc, this is no joking matter. There have been thousands of deaths since the battling started. Princess Celestia has managed to convince society to continue with this war, but only because of the slaves that are being freed with every conquered den. The fighting has been so intense that Princess Luna has gone there to join the fight so we won’t have to send most of our military to Gem Fido.”

“Wow, now THAT is something I can’t miss. You don’t seem to be happy about this, princess Purple Smart.”

“Purple Smart?” she asked.

“Disregard that. I thought you would like this. I mean, your brother and Drogur are getting rid of slavery.”

“They are, but surely there must be a better way to do it. They could have negotiated with the other diamond dog clans and reach an agreement. Drogur did it, why couldn’t the other Alphas do the same?”

“I actually asked Drogur the same questions. He told me that diamond dogs and ponies weren’t the same. Their society, their culture, everything is based on one single rule: might makes right. They don’t choose their rulers by voting, or due to birthrights; the strongest is the ruler, the weak obey. For thousand of years they have lived like this. They obey dragons because they are stronger, and they enslave ponies and griffins because they are weaker. They don’t have agriculture and stockbreeding. They hunt anything weaker than them and dig gems because their paws are stronger than the dirt. When two Alphas negotiate they simply state what each of them wants out of the other and then they fight, and the winner takes all. Do you honestly think they will be open to negotiations with a species they consider weak?

You can’t tell them about friendship and hope them to understand and appreciate it immediately. They only understand might, and your brother and Drogur are the mightiest now. When all of Gem Fido is under pony rule, then you can show them what friendship is. Now, there are slaves to free and tyrants to overthrow.”

“What you propose is fighting fire with fire. So far it’s been effective, that’s for sure, but I think fighting them only makes us as bad as they are."

“How can you of all ponies say that?” he asked, a bit of his anger slipping into his voice.

“What do you mean?” Twilight asked back, taken aback by his sudden outburst.

“When your friend Rarity was taken as a slave by diamond dogs, you didn’t try to negotiate with them; you bursted into their cave and tried to take her back by force. When the changelings attacked Canterlot, you didn’t try to negotiate with them; you fought them back. When magic copies of Pinkie Pie overran the town, you didn’t try to negotiate with them, you murdered them all!” he finished by almost shouting at her.

“What?!” was the only thing that Twilight managed to reply to the suddenly enraged draconequus.

“You murdered them all, you monster,” Havoc coldly stated. “I’m leaving before I do something I regret.” Havoc got up and walked away, leaving five confused ponies and one dragon behind him.

“I… Killed them?” Twilight thought aloud, shocked.

“I wonder: where did that come from?” Rarity asked. “He was happily talking until just now.”

“But… They weren’t real ponies… Were they?” Twilight said, tears pouring out of her eyes.

“Nopony gets away with making a friend of mine cry!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she bursted out of the building. She glimpsed Havoc flying behind a building and chased him. Her superior speed allowed her to catch him in seconds.

“Hey! You think you can leave just like that after being so mean to Twilight?” she demanded, forcing him to hover above the ground by placing herself in front of him.

“Leave me alone. You have no idea what she did to us,” Havoc replied, keeping his emotions in check.

“Us? Who are you talking about?”

“The less you know, the better.”

“Stop beating around the bush! I want to know why you were so mean to Twilight and I want you to apologise to her.”

“You want to know?!” Havoc snapped. “Then you will know!”

Havoc used his magic to enter Rainbow Dash’s mind, a power he hadn’t used in a long time. He made her see what he had seen: Twilight about to send the last copy of Pinkie Pie to the Mirror Pool, him saving her and tricking everypony into seeing that she had been sent back like the others, her sadness and grief when she realized that she wasn’t the original and that her friends had tried to “kill” her. Rainbow Dash could also see and hear Diane crying herself into sleep when she thought Havoc was asleep, and how she quickly grew a personality and intelligence of her own. When Havoc released her, Rainbow Dash rubbed her eyes with her hooves and shook her head.

“What was that?” she croaked.

“Those were my memories. What I have seen and heard.”

“All those Pinkies… We didn’t know! They were like babies, only saying ‘fun’ and causing chaos!” Rainbow said, defensively.

“You know who else act like babies? Babies. That doesn’t mean you can kill babies because they are annoying.”

“But Twilight didn’t kill them! She just send them back to the Mirror Pool, that’s where they belong.”

“Does that mean I can turn you into fertilizer and make you return to the freaking dirt, where you belong? What your friend Twilight did was pest control, and it’s only a matter of luck and time that Pinkie’s copies hadn’t yet developed an intelligence of their own. The one I saved has, and now she’s as much of a pony as any of you. ”

“We couldn’t have known any of that! They acted like the parasprites did!”

“You didn’t even try to know,” Havoc spat. “For fuck’s sake, the real Pinkie was there, too. You could have killed Pinkie Pie just to get rid of her copies because they were annoying. I don’t want to continue this conversation, I’m leaving to Gem Fido.”

Havoc flew away, and nopony flew after him this time.

23: [Havoc Intensifies]

‘So much for keeping Twilight in the dark regarding how she coldly exterminated Pinkie Pie’s clones when some of them could, like Diane, have no longer been mindless copies,’ Havoc thought as he flew out of Ponyville. He decided to forget about Twilight and focus on his original goal. ‘Now, if Drogur is leading his dogs in the war, I probably won’t find him in Granite Back. Where should I go, then? Gem Fido is huge.’

After a few moments, he decided to go to the Crystal Empire, and learn from the ponies where the army was. Then he realized that he wasn’t certain where the Crystal Empire was, since the time he had visited it he had arrived at it by fleeing from the Dragon Badlands with an enraged pink dragoness chasing him. ‘I could go back and ask one of the mane six, but I don’t want to see any of them again. Not after how I left. They could make me really angry, and I could do something drastic. What would I do if I were a silly pony that wants to travel to the Crystal Empire, and I only knew it was somewhere north of here? I wouldn’t go by hoof, it’s too far away… Ponies don’t have cars, so I would use public transport, then. Oh, right, trains. Let’s see if there’s a train that takes me to a city close enough to the Crystal Empire to cover the rest of the distance by flying.’

Havoc quickly found railroads and followed them to Ponyville’s train station. He landed on an empty alleyway and turned into his unicorn persona, Golden Shower, so he wouldn’t be treated with a mix of fear and hate. He quickly approached a desk where a pony was waiting with boredom.

“Good morning!” Havoc greeted. “I was wondering, which train should I take to visit the Crystal Empire?”

“There’s a train that comes from Canterlot and goes straight to the Crystal Empire every day. It arrives here at nine o’clock every day and reaches the Empire in a couple of hours.”

Havoc said goodbye, returned to the alleyway and turned to owl just in case Twilight or Rainbow Dash had decided to give him a piece of their minds. Once he was confident he was flying above the railroads that led to the Crystal Empire, he changed to draconequus. The hour was half past nine, so Havoc's plan was to catch the train and board it. His antics in Ponyville had given him a large amount of chaos energy, so he employed it in increasing his flying speed. He moved at such a speed that even a Wonderbolt would have nodded with respect, his wings propelling him much more than they had any right to. Even then, it took Havoc nearly an hour to see the train in the distance, and some more minutes to land on its roof. He tried to strike an epic pose while being atop the train, but the wind made him lose his balance. He fell on his back, then he toppled off and hit the ground head first. Dazed, he got up and nearly fell again, until he managed to throw a magical rope that attached itself to the last wagon of the train. Then two skis appeared under his feet and he started skiing.

“Wait, snowboards are cooler,” he said aloud, and his skis turned into a snowboard.

Snowboarding on the ground (landboarding?) came naturally to him because that’s how chaos magic works, so even though he had never done such a thing in his life he didn’t have to focus on not falling. Due to that, Havoc began to think about what he had told the ponies. He was angry with himself for losing control in front of the mane six, and for revealing Diane's existence to Rainbow Dash.

'It’s Twilight's fault. She killed all of them. And the others helped. Their hooves are also stained with blood. I can’t forgive them. They deserve to suffer just as Diane suffered. I can’t believe those bastards are the same ponies I grew to love by watching the show. Pinkie is the only one who isn’t guilty. The others were the ones who did it. They… They… How could they?! They are supposed to be the Elements of Harmony, not a bunch of psycho killers! They could have killed Pinkie Pie just to get rid of her clones, it’s insane. I will never forget this. One day, I’ll make all of them crawl before Diane and beg for forgiveness.'

Havoc’s dark thoughts accompanied him until the train reached the Crystal Empire. One might wonder how is it possible that nopony noticed him, being large as he is and not even attempting to hide himself. In any case, by the time the humongous Crystal Palace wasn’t just a gleaming spot in the distance, and the train began to go slower, Havoc too flight and overtook it. He changed to owl and flew straight to the palace’s balcony. He had decided to meet Cadance of Shining Armor in person, and ask them where to find their army so he could fight for them. Turning into snake, he slithered into the palace and began to search for them. He had a very faint idea of where each part of the palace was, so he slithered through the corridors without a destination. He tried to avoid any corridor that seemed smaller or worse decorated than the one he was in, guessing that the fancier the corridor, the closer he was to the throne room.

A large door guarded by two soldiers attracted his attention. ‘I bet that leads to where Shining and Cadance rule.’ He fruitlessly tried to find a way to slither into the room without being noticed, until a guard stomping next to him startled him.

“Shapeshifter!” the pony barked as he stepped just behind Havoc’s head so he couldn’t escape nor bite. Realizing it, Havoc turned back to draconequus, the sudden change throwing the guard away. In less than ten seconds a dozen of guards were pointing at him with spears.

“Don’t attack!” the only guard wearing a crested helmet ordered. “He’s the draconequus Prince Shining Armor warned us about.”

“Well, that went better than I expected,” Havoc commented.

“Silence! You will wait here until you are allowed into the Throne Room. Stallions, if he tries to leave you are free to use lethal force to stop him,” with that said, the guard walked into the room behind the large door.

Havoc gulped and slowly sat on the ground, trying not to make any sudden moves. The crystal ponies stared at him as he made a letter and a pen appear out of thin air and began to doodle dragons fighting alicorns. Eventually, he grew bored of that and turned his attention towards the guards.

“So, you are crystal ponies. How is it like, being all… Crystally?”

“...”

“Yeah, right. Hm… Has the world changed a lot since your time? What’s changed the most, in your opinion?”

“...”

The guards refused to answer to any of Havoc’s questions, so he decided to write fanfiction.

“Alright, so I have always wanted to write my own HiE story. Oh, it will be based on Planet of the Apes, but the original movie, not the shitty one in which humans talked. Yeah, I can see it starting like the movie, with the protagonist smoking a cigar in a spaceship while going on about what they are about to do. I could call it Planet of the Ponies! Yeah, let’s write two hundred thousand words about it while I wait.”

When the doors finally opened several minutes later, and a crystal pony asked Havoc to enter, the guards allowed themselves to let out sighs of relief. Cadance was sitting in one of the two thrones in the Throne Room, the other one being vacant. The way she looked at him made Havoc decide not to joke around for the moment. Thus, Havoc kneeled before Cadance as she greeted him.

“Welcome back, Havoc. What brings you to the Crystal Empire?”

“Princess Cadance, I have learned that you are at war with the slaver diamond dogs. I want to join your army and help in any way I can.”

Cadance frowned in thought. “If you are anywhere near Discord in terms of power you could be a great asset in the war. Alright, you have just enlisted in the Crystal Empire’s army.” She began to write on a parchment with her magic as she kept on talking. “A scouting company has been resting here for the last week. They are scheduled to return to the front tomorrow morning, so you will be assigned to them until Shining and Princess Luna decide what to do with you. Flash Sentry, introduce our new recruit to the company so they won’t leave without him, and keep an eye on him.” She finished writing, sealed the parchment and levitated it towards the only guard who was a pegasus instead of a crystal pony. “Give this to Captain Cyclone, too. Havoc, I want you to return here and meet me again around sunset. That is all, I have pressing matters to take care of and I can’t spare more time on you.”

A part of Havoc felt annoyed at Cadance, who was acting like a total bitch, but he decided to blame it on the stress she had to be dealing with. The only guard who wasn’t a crystal pony approached Havoc. He was a pegasus stallion wearing a golden armor, his coat was a light shade of orange, while his mane and tail were sapphire blue.

“Hello, I’m Flash Sentry, I’ll show you around. I’ll take you to the barracks now.”

As Havoc followed Flash Sentry towards the palace’s exit, he couldn’t help but feel that he should hate the pegasus for some reason, but he decided to pay no mind to that gut feeling. They soon arrived at the barracks, since they were one of the buildings that surrounded the palace. Flash Sentry made Havoc wait for a few minutes in the training zone of the barracks while the whole company, all 120 of them, was quickly assembled by their commander. The commander was a blue pegasus with broad shoulders and a hard face who was reading Cadance’s message, so Havoc guessed he was captain Cyclone.

“Company, that draconequus will accompany us to the frontline,” Cyclone explained. “His name is Havoc, and you are to treat him as a civilian until told otherwise, understood?”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Now, you,” he said, turning to face Havoc. “You have no military training of any sort, so I’ll make it simple: when we leave tomorrow, you will follow my orders and keep your chaos magic to yourself. That’s all you have to do. Dismissed!”

“So, what now?” Havoc asked Flash as the soldiers resumed their activities.

“Princess Cadance wants me to stay with you until you meet her, so you are free to do whatever you want until then.”

“Hm… Whatever I want… There’s not many things I would like to do here that won’t get my into deep trouble… What do you suggest me to do?”

“When I first arrived here, I went to see the Crystal Heart. You can even feel its magic, it’s an unique experience.”

“Alright, we can do that later. I didn’t get to see it last time I was here. But first, I have a few questions.”

“Ask away.”

“Well, I want to know more about this war. How many clans have been defeated? How many of them are left? I would like to know how many months or years this is going to last before jumping into the fight.”

“Let’s find a map and I’ll explain it all to you,” Flash replied, and in less than two minutes they were inside the barracks, looking at a huge map that covered an entire wall of a meeting room.

Obviously, the map had been drawn by hoof, not by MS paint, but you get the idea.

“This is the situation so far: sixteen diamond dog dens are now part of Equestria, and thirteen have been conquered by the armies of the Griffin-”

“Wait, what is this Midnight Castle thing north of the Crystal Empire?”

“I don’t know why they felt it was so imperative to make Midnight Castle stand out in this map. I mean, we are focused on Gem Fido, not in that area.”

“Yeah, whatever. But what is it?”

“It’s a long story.”

“Dude, you are just making me more and more eager to learn what that thing is. Stop beating around the freaking bush.”

“Alright. Midnight Castle is a black castle, encased in ice, and which exudes an aura of hate and suffering so powerful that it can drive crazy anypony stupid enough to approach it. The windigoes inhabit the surrounding area, as apparently even those creatures can’t stand being too close to the castle. The only reason why the Crystal Empire is habitable is because the Crystal Heart counters that place’s evilness. Less than a year ago, this place was a frozen land in which nopony could live.”

“... Wait, then how could this Sombra guy keep the place running. Didn’t he hide the Heart so it couldn’t be used against him?”

“I have no idea. You will have to ask Princess Cadance. Is there anything you want to know that I can explain?”

“Hm… OK, back to the map. Who are these Griffin Dominion guys?”

“They are a coalition that fights under a single banner. The main forces are the griffins themselves, which seem to have agreed to stop their tribal wars for the first time in centuries; the diamond dogs of Marble Pillars, who weren’t slavers and have managed to protect themselves from dragons by taking in orphan dragons and making them part of their clan; and the Griffon Pirates, the ones who started the war against slavery on that part of Gem Fido and convinced the others to join them.”

“So they are our allies, right?”

“Not really. You see, we are two nations: Equestria and them, and we are both conquering Gem Fido at the same time. They say that we are forcing the dens to submit to the oppressive Equestrian rule or something like that, and we doubt they will manage to form a strong government that won’t devolve into what Gem Fido and the Dominion were a few years ago. We are pretty much rivals who want to take as much of Gem Fido as we can before the other does.”

“Well, at least they also fight for the end of slavery. I guess you want to take over Sharp Ruby and Gemstone next, what with their names standing out more than the others.”

“That’s the plan, yes. Then we will probably have to reach an agreement with the Dominion so we can share a border without hostilities.”

“Alright. We seem to be doing well. I mean, this is almost a fourth of Gem Fido already under control, after how many months of fighting?”

“Ten months, give or take. Yellow Topaz decided to ally with us instead of fighting, so we expect this to become more common as we keep on destroying our enemies.”

"That’s nice. Now, I want to know more about you. How come you are the only royal guard who is not a crystal pony?"

"It's pretty simple, really. These ponies are from a thousand years ago, so they know very little about modern society. My job is to make sure the imperial guard is up to date so they can fulfill the same duties as the royal guard. You wouldn’t believe the stuff these guys have been trained to do in order to maintain peace; it’s so barbaric I thought they were pulling my leg when they told me about it."

"I guess harder times required harder measures "

Flash shrugged. "Is that all you wanted to know?”

“Yeah that’s it for now. Let’s see the Heart now.”

They walked back to the crystal palace, under which the Crystal Heart was floating between two crystal spires. Havoc was at first unimpressed, the Crystal Heart was, after all, just a big, heart-shaped crystal-gem-whatever. However, after a few seconds, Havoc began to feel its influence. Peace and happiness replaced any other feeling inside of Havoc’s mind, and he found that he loved it.

“Wow,” was all he could say.

“I know, right?” Flash commented. “The first time is when it affects you the most.”

“I want to touch it.”

“Sure, go ahead. There are no laws against it.”

Havoc slowly reached towards the Crystal Heart with his diamond dog paw. After holding his index finger a few centimeters away from it, he touched it. As soon as his flesh made contact, he pulled back screaming.

“OH GOD IT’S KILLING ME!” he shouted as the tip of his finger turned into blue crystals, which spread to the rest of his hand. “IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO MUCH!”

“Oh Celestia! Quick! Extend your arm! I’ll have to amputate before it spreads further!” Flash ordered, unsheathing his sword.

Havoc did as he was told, but the crystallization seemed to accelerate in response to Flash’s words, covering Havoc’s arm and a good portion of his chest in seconds. “Why would I touch it?!” he cried. “I should have known better!”

“Damn damn damn!”

In the blink of an eye Havoc was a draconequus-shaped crystal, frozen in a cry of fear.

“... How am I going to explain this to Princess Cadance?”

And that’s it, folks. Havoc died, Disharmony lost and the other players continued the game without giving a single fuck about the draconequus’ fate.

THE END

Author's Note

You might be wondering why Havoc ended the way it did. It's very simple, really. After a year and a half of writing about him I have just gotten bored of the character, and I just couldn't come up with a way to continue the plot without it becoming a boring series of battles in Gem Fido. I also am working on a new story for the prologue of the chessgame, so I wouldn't have been able to keep updating both anyways. Due to this, I think the best course of action is to finish Havoc now and focus on a new, fresh story.

I might write an epilogue later, telling how the game ends, what happens to the other characters, such as Drogur, Diane and Screwball; and pretty much ending any secondary plot that might still be incomplete.

24: Beaten by a Pink Pony Princess

Author's Note

The ride never ends, guys. This story is FAR from over.
(You can stop downvoting now)

24: Beaten by a Pink Pony Princess

Flash Sentry looked around, biting his lip as a few crystal ponies approached him and the statue that used to be Havoc.

“What happened? We heard screaming,” a crystal mare asked.

“Everything is under control, please move along,” he replied out of instinct.

The ponies shrugged and left Flash alone with the Crystal Heart and Havoc. “I guess I can’t leave him out here where everypony can see him.”

Flash flew towards the statue’s head and, grabbing it by the horns, tried to pull it away. Grunting, he managed to drag it towards one of the four corners of the castle, which served as entrances to it. He had covered half the distance between the Crystal Heart and a corner when he heard a cracking noise and the weight he was pulling disappeared. Surprised, he looked back and found that Havoc’s statue no longer had horns, as he was holding them with his hooves.

“For fudge’s sake!”

Desperate, he decided to grab the statue by the neck and worry about the “details” later. The effort of dragging such a heavy object while wearing an equally heavy armor made him sweat profusely. By the time he was about to reach the entrance, his hooves slipped and the statue toppled over. Flash closed his eyes and grimaced when he heard a loud shattering noise. He dared to open an eye and found that the statue had broken into a thousand small fragments of solid crystal.

“My, my, what a mess. You are lucky I have a broom right here,” somepony said.

Flash turned to the source of the voice and found a perfectly healthy Havoc cleaning up what was supposed to be the remains of his crystallized corpse. He could only stare at the living and smiling draconequus, mouth agape.

“I can’t believe you fell for that!” Havoc exclaimed, then he bursted into laughter.

Flash Sentry growled. “I hate you so much right now.”

“Come on, Flashy, turn that frown upside down, it was just a prank.”

“No, that was just you being a jerk. Since you don’t appreciate my efforts to keep you amused, I’ll stop trying. Princess Cadance said that I had to watch over you, but she didn’t say that I had to follow you as you did whatever you wanted. So now you will follow me and be quiet while I work until the sunset.”

Havoc sighed and followed Flash. The pegasus took them to his office, a small, bland room with a table covered in paperwork. After five minutes of watching Flash sign documents and write on them, Havoc felt like gouging his eyes out. Soon, he found himself thinking about Diane. He could still feel his leaf, somewhere in Trottingham, but his sudden departure had left too many loose ends. Because of that, he decided to write a few letters. He took the liberty of borrowing paper, ink and a quill from Flash Sentry, and firstly he wrote a letter to whoever was now in charge of Trottingham’s treasure. It was basically a summary of what he had done in the last months, so he finished it in a few minutes. Secondly, he wrote a letter for Comet Tail, telling her that he wouldn’t be able to return to Trottingham any time soon, since he was unable to stop being harmful to Diane.

Lastly, he wrote a letter for Diane herself. He began by explaining to her why he wouldn’t be able to return, and that he only dared to visit her briefly when she felt healthy. Then he shamelessly told her where he had hidden the sizeable amount of money he had surreptitiously taken from the city’s treasure without anypony ever noticing it. He felt he deserved that “extra pay”, since he also worked as a defense against any being that might have threatened the town, even if nothing of the sort had happened after Bruce Mayne’s death. He suggested her to keep that money hidden, ready to be taken in a moment of necessity. Finally, he briefly told her what he was up to, and promised to find a way for her to send letters back to him.

“Flash Sentry, where can I find a mailbox?”

“Huh?”

“I want to send these letters, where can I find a post office?”

“You wrote letters,” he stated, raising an eyebrow. “And you want to send them.”

“Yes, that is exactly what I want. I would rather not exhaust myself by teleporting them with my magic when you ponies just happen to have nationwide mail.”

“Cool story. Now stop distracting me.”

‘You just made a terrible mistake, Flash Gordon.’

“I wonder what ink tastes like.”

Havoc snatched a document that Flash had recently finished and licked it, erasing everything that had been written on it.

“What do you think you are doing?! Stop immediately!”

“You seem to be unable to understand that I can and will do anything I please. Any attempt at stopping me from getting what I want will only result in your detriment,” Havoc stated, then he licked clean another document.

Flash roared in anger and attacked Havoc, who was surprised by the pegasus’ outburst. Flash punched Havoc in the face once, but then Havoc reacted, grabbing Flash by the neck. Just as he was about to punch him in the face in retaliation, he realized what he was doing. ‘I can’t beat the shit out of this horse, I’m a good guy not a violent psychopath! For fuck’s sake, I have to stop acting on freaking impulse. I have lived as a pony for several months and nopony has noticed anything odd about me, I can’t act like a psycho just because I am not disguised.’

“I would greatly enjoy beating you into submission, but then I would be proving right anypony who think I am a dangerous monster that should be thrown into Tartarus. I’m sick of running and hiding, so that won’t happen. Now, you will tell me how to send these letters, and I will undo the damage caused to your documents. Then we’ll remain civil until we can separate.”

Flash squinted and said nothing for a few seconds. “Undo the damage now, then I’ll take you to the post office. We only have to stay together for one more hour, so I’ll give you a last chance.”

Havoc nodded solemnly and spat on the papers, causing everything he had erased to reappear. After that, Flash led Havoc to the post office, where he borrowed a couple of bits from the unamused stallion in order to buy the stamps for his letters. The crystal ponies gave the strange duo some questioning glances, but Havoc managed to send his letters without problems.

“Now it’s my turn to have dinner. Princess Cadance usually has a sandwich for dinner while doing her duties, so you probably won’t have a chance to have dinner after this one. Since you are part of the army now, you can eat for free instead of making me pay.”

Thus, they walked back to the barracks, where the soldiers were “enjoying” their grub. After living in Trottingham as a pony for so long, he had eventually got used to the pony diet, including the total absence of meat. However, the gray dough that the crystal ponies were happily gulping down was absolutely disgusting.

“How the heck can you eat this?” he asked, shocked.

Flash produced a small berry that seemed to be made of crystal, he crushed it and mixed it with his meal. “This is how.”

“... Can I have one?”

“No.”

Frowning, Havoc considered turning Flash into a hen and make him lay some eggs so he could add them to his own grub. However, he reminded himself that he had decided to stop acting out. Because of this, he just continued eating after disabling his taste buds with his magic. Soon, Havoc found himself staring at Flash, who met his gaze, refusing to back down. Their staring match continued for most of the time they spent on the canteen until Havoc’s stare of unfathomable hate eventually broke Flash’s defenses, making him avoid meeting Havoc’s eyes and nervously fidget in his seat.

“Come on, w-we don’t have all day,” Flash finally said, as they both had long since finished their meals.

Flash breathed in relief when he noticed that the sunset was going to happen in a couple of minutes. He silently guided Havoc back to the Throne Room, where two crystal pony guards relieved the exhausted pegasus from watching over him. Before Havoc could think of a way to keep himself entertained, Cadance herself left the Throne Room and told Havoc to accompany her.

“Where are we going?”

“You will see.”

The pink pony princess led the confused draconequus minor through the palace’s corridors, until they reached a spiral staircase that seemed to go down for kilometers.

“Wow that’s a lot of stairs…”

“We don’t know much about Sombra, but he seemed to have some sort of affinity towards stairs. This one leads to the dungeon under the castle.”

Havoc stopped dead on his tracks. “Wait, why are you taking me to Sombrero’s creepy dungeon?”

“Because, if I’m going to send you to the war, I would like to know how powerful you are. The dungeon is magic-proof, so we won’t have to worry about collateral damage.”

With that said, Cadance opened her wings and flew down the spiral’s center. Havoc shrugged and dived after her. For some reason he could heard a song on the background, even though he hadn’t used any spell.

“Hey!” he shouted so Cadance could hear him. “Where is that music coming from?!”

“It’s from a spell Discord told me to use when I met him. He said you liked this band. I have never listened this, are they humans?”

“God fucking damn it, it’s Muse! I hate them so much.”

“Why?”

“Their songs became part of freaking Twilight’s soundtrack!”

“What does my sister-in-law have to do with any of this?”

“Nothing! It’s a completely unrelated Twilight! The worst kind of Twilight there is!”

Cadance decided not to pursue the subject as she stopped the music spell, judging that it wasn’t worth it. After freefalling for at least thirty seconds, they finally reached the end of the stairs. Cadance flapped to slow herself until she gently landed, while Havoc just told gravity to stop annoying him, so the air friction stopped him a few centimeters above the floor.

“Princess, did you just mention that I am a human?”

“Yes, I did. I am aware of the game of gods that is taking place in our world, and I know you are one of the multiple champions that roam Equestria. Nowadays it seems you humans are everywhere, given how much of a ruckus you all tend to cause.”

“What can I say? We are a loud bunch.”

‘I wonder if she also has a champion in this game. I’ll have to be careful if she does, she might try to get me killed somehow to help her piece win.’

“In any case, whether you were born a human or a draconequus doesn’t matter if you help us win this war. The dungeon is right beyond that door.”

A seemingly normal wooden door led to a humongous room, walls and ceiling made of a light blue crystalline material.

“Wow, this place is huge, but... How is it a dungeon?”

“Sombra used this place as a canvas in which he would create labyrinths and traps with dark crystals. He enjoyed forcing ponies to try to go through them, making them believe that they would be freed if they managed to beat his creations. As you might imagine, the mazes were designed so it was impossible to reach the end.”

“Heh, what an asshole. So, what do you want me to do to show how powerful I am?”

“I would like to know what you are capable of first. I have seen you shapeshift before, can you turn into anything you want?”

That was the first of several questions that Cadance asked Havoc. After a few minutes, she probably knew more about his abilities than himself.

“So, since you feed on chaos, and battles are a great source of chaos, you could cause massive damage to an army without mages. However, not all diamond dogs rely only on their brute force. Some of them have enslaved unicorns and they force them to fight us. I think that sparring is the best way to test how you deal with individuals that can match you.”

“And who is going to be my sparring partner? There’s just the two of us… Here… Wait, are you serious?”

“Indeed. You will spar with me and I will judge your skill.”

“... I should have seen this coming. Well, I am actually curious about how powerful YOU are, so let’s do this!”

Havoc cracked his knuckles and got on all fours, as Cadance levitated her jewelry away so it wouldn’t be damaged, and then she summoned a full set of plate armor that strapped itself to her body. The plates of black metal didn’t cover her full body, so she could move freely and fly without being encumbered by the weight and reduced angle of vision.

“Nice armor, I was sort of expecting you to wear something golden, pink and blue with a lot of ornaments and stuff.”

“There’s ceremonial armors and there’s armors for real battles. I do have a golden and blue armor with a lot of decorations for formal events. Now let’s get started.”

Havoc rushed towards Cadance, who pushed him away with her magic. Havoc turned into teen dragon, the natural resistance to magic of his scales making Cadance’s telekinesis weak enough for him to shrug it off. He inhaled deeply and exhaled a jet of flames that Cadance blocked with a barrier. Cadance took off, the barrier protecting her as she approached Havoc. She quickly flew past him as she kicked him in the neck.

Havoc coughed in pain and found blood seeping out of his mouth. “How the heck did you hit me so hard? These are real dragonscales!” he croaked.

“Earth pony strenght.”

He changed back to his original form and pointed at her with one finger. A crackling bolt of electricity bolted from his fingertip, hitting one of Cadance’s wings. The alicorn grunted in pain, but the damage on her appendage was minor.

“Is that all you’ve got? You said you could put all your power on any spell you casted,” she taunted.

“I would have hated to hurt you for real, princess.”

Cadance’s horn glowed with a blinding blue aura and, without warning, she fired a large beam of pure arcane energy at Havoc’s torso. Havoc teleported away, but just as he appeared in a different place, Cadance teleported right behind him and fired another beam. The magic attack went through Havoc’s chest, opening a hole the size of his fist just where his heart was.

“Hey! I’m not Discord, I can’t just shrug off this kind of damage! You could have killed me!” he complained, using his magic to keep his blood pumping even though his heart had been disintegrated. “This is supposed to be a spar, not a fight to the death, for fuck’s sake.”

“Will you be alright?” she asked, showing a hint of genuine concern.

“Yes, but I don’t want to learn if I can survive my head being blown, so be more careful,” he replied as his wound quickly healed.

“I will keep it in mind.”

Havoc pulled his axe from hammerspace as he tried to enter Cadance’s mind to alter what she perceived. However, he found a barrier that he couldn’t break through, so he flew towards her and aimed an horizontal slash at her torso. Cadance rose a barrier, which the axe sliced through as if it wasn’t there. Havoc slowed the weapon in the last second, so it bounced off Cadance’s armor.

“See? This is more like it, no grievous wounds or broken bones, that’s what a spar is supposed to be like.”

“I said I would be more careful, now can we just fight without you stopping to comment each action?”

Havoc turned into a rattlesnake that quickly coiled around Cadance’s leg. He was about to sink his fangs on her exposed when she grabbed him with telekinesis and began to apply more and more pressure. He changed into bear and hugged her before she could move away. His bear hug made Cadance release a gasp of pain, but she quickly overcame it and forced Havoc to release her by releasing a torrent of fire from her horn.

Havoc turned back to draconequus and threw a piñata that looked just like Shining Armor at Cadance. The piñata exploded with violence, releasing arrows and ice shards everywhere. Cadance blocked them with a barrier, but the projectiles turned into a dark cloud that allowed Havoc to sneak behind her and bring his fists down on her, breaking the barrier and making her crash on the ground. Before the smoke cleared, dozens of small spheres of energy flew towards Havoc from below, so he turned them into flying fishes when they got too close. He decided to exit the cloud of smoke, but, as soon as his head poked out of it, Cadance’s hooves met it with great force. He was thrown several meters away by the impact, which gave him enough time to heal the concussion and pull his dragonbone hammer. Cadance replied by making a crystal sword appear before her.

This time, Cadance attacked first. She flew towards Havoc and levitated her sword above her head for a vertical slash. Havoc deflected the sword with a horizontal movement from left to right of his hammer, which was followed by a blow from right to left aimed at Cadance’s head. The alicorn ducked and thrusted her sword forward, forcing Havoc to move back to dodge the attack. They continued exchanging blows for minutes, neither managing to land a hit. Cadance’s superior skill and the extra mobility granted by using telekinesis instead of arms was met by Havoc’s strength and reach, as Cadance seemed unable to use her sword if it wasn’t relatively close to her. Havoc soon began to pant heavily, his moves becoming slower and clumsier as Cadance cornered him against a wall. Eventually his wings collided against the wall, forcing him to move forward if he wanted to keep flying. Cadance then tried to stab him, but he quickly blocked the sword with his wooden arm and, using his magic to triple his physical strength, he wielded his hammer with his right hand and hit Cadance in the side of the head. The violence of the impact broke her magical focus, her sword remaining stuck on Havoc’s arm as she fell to the ground several meters below, too dazed to keep flapping her wings.

Havoc stopped acting as if he was exhausted, breathing normally again as he approached Cadance. He felt worried when he noticed that the alicorn seemed to be unconscious, wondering if he had hit her too hard. As soon as his feet touched the ground, several magical chains sprouted from the ground and trapped him. Cadance got up on her hooves, blood seeping from under her helmet. Her eyes had become pure white light, and her horn was crackling with magic. She released an enormous beam of blue magic aimed at Havoc, which he met with a golden beam of his own chaotic magic. Both energies collided, neither overcoming the other. Havoc felt his magic reserves quickly dwindling, so he tried to surpass Cadance’s attack by putting even more power into his. His eyes widened when he felt Cadance match and surpass his increase in power, her beam slowly approaching him. Roaring, he summoned his axe again from hammerspace and used it to sever the magical chains, releasing himself just in time to teleport away before Cadance’s beam reached him.

Cadance followed Havoc, her eyes back to normal, and tried to “punch” his face with her right hoof. Havoc dodged the attack and replied with a kick of his frog leg aimed at her groin. She blocked it with her knee and then they engaged in a hand-to-hoof combat. Havoc realized that she was nearly as bad at this kind of fighting as he was, neither having ever received any kind of training in martial arts or any form of unarmed combat. However, they both were augmenting their strength with magic, hitting each other hard enough to kill any lesser opponent. Havoc’s punches deformed Cadance’s armor whenever they connected, while hers tore away large chunks of Havoc’s body, which he quickly regenerated. The draconequus was very relieved by the fact that he could alter his brain so he wouldn’t feel pain at all; else he would have been reduced to a crying mess after the first impacts. Eventually, Havoc’s left fist collided directly against Cadance’s right hoof, the impact so violent that his whole arm exploded with a loud cracking noise in a shower of splinters and a fluid that was something midway between blood and sap. At the same time, Cadance cried in pain as she felt the bones on her foreleg fracturing. Holding back the tears of pain, she stabbed Havoc’s chest with her horn and used her Love Magic to brainwash Havoc into loving himself so much that he immediately created a mirror so he could stare at himself, completely forgetting about her.

Cadance could feel Havoc fighting against her spell, so she took a deep breath and, biting her left leg, used her magic to force her bones back to their proper place. Then she channeled healing magic on it, her bones healing in less than one minute. After that she healed the other wounds she had received. Only the burnt wound on her wing remained, as using healing magic on it could interfere with the pegasus wing on it, rendering her unable to fly for days. When she was done, she released Havoc from her love spell.

Havoc blinked in confusion, then he noticed his missing arm and the bleeding hole on his chest. He snapped the fingers of his remaining hand and the wounds healed almost instantaneously. “So that’s how it feels to be mind controlled. I guess you win, I was at your mercy when you used that last spell on me.”

“You aren’t bad at fighting, I had to use my most powerful magic to beat you. You will make a big difference in the upcoming battles.”

“That’s good. It’s been several months since I fought, so this was a good opportunity to get rid of the rust.”

“I must say, I did enjoy our spar. The life of a princess can become both stressful and predictable. I live fearing for Shining Armor, attending to celebrations and events, and doing paperwork until my horn hurts from holding a quill. It is not often that I find such an opportunity to release all the stress and worries.”

“So, a violent fight is what you consider a way to ‘release tension’? Wow, Cadance, you are awesome. If you weren’t married already I would ask you out.”

“Let’s go back to the castle,” she replied, giggling. “There’s a guests room in which you can sleep tonight. Somepony will wake you up in time for joining the group leaving for the front.”

Cadance herself led him to his room, chatting along the way. “I would greatly enjoy to spar with you again someday,” she remarked when they reached the room assigned to Havoc. “When the war is over, you will be received with open arms if you decide to move to the Crystal Empire. You could stop being seen as a threat or an enemy to ponykind. You could be sir Havoc, bane of slavers, champion of the Crystal Empire and captain of the imperial army.”

“I like the sound of that. I like it a lot. Goodnight, princess, I promise I’ll do my best to ensure our victory over the slavers.”

After that cheesy line, Havoc entered the bedroom and soon he was dreaming about rescuing damsels in distress, fighting evil dragons and being a modelic knight in general.

26: Griffon the Griffon

Ruby Sharp was easily conquered after the Alpha’s defeat. In less than two days, the army was moving towards the next den: Gemstone. Luna had returned to Canterlot to resume her royal duties the same day they left Ruby Sharp, making Havoc the most powerful fighter around. Due to this, he had risen to a very high position, even though he was technically just a recruit still. They had given him his own tent with a bed large enough to hold him, which was something most soldiers couldn’t say. A week after that, Havoc was sleeping in the tent they had assigned to him alone when a sudden noise woke him up. Confused, he opened his eyes and could only see a pony-sized shape clumsily approach him. The intruder got into Havoc’s bed - as he was too dumbfounded to react- and whispered in his ear.

“Did you miss me, horsefucker?” Screwball asked.

The effect on Havoc was immediate. In the blink of an eye, he had teleported to the other corner of the tent and was aiming at her with his black axe. “What the fuck are you doing here?! Discord said you wouldn’t attack me ever again!” he hissed.

“Don’t be silly, I haven’t come to fight you,” she replied as she lighted the tent’s oil lamps. “I am here because daddy wants somepony to keep an eye on you. Just in case Disharmony tries to use you against us.”

“Obviously, you had to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me this, instead of waiting until tomorrow.”

“As a matter of fact, I had to. Nopony else must know I am here. I’m telling you because you would have detected my magic if I had tried to spy you.”

“So you are going to watch me all day, everyday from now on. That is just fantastic. Fantastic!” Snorting, he walked back to his bed, pushed Screwball out of it and got into it. “Well, are you going to let me sleep alone, or do you also have to spend all night staring at me?”

Screwball jumped back on the bed. “I think I’m going to sleep right here, next to you, so I can feel Disharmony’s presence if she tries to contact you.”

‘This is so much bullshit. She almost killed me twice, and now I have to share my already-small-for-me-alone bed with her! There must be something I can do to get away from this...’

Three weeks later, when they arrived at Gemstone, Havoc had yet to come up with a way to get rid of Screwball. At first he had considered simply telling Shining Armor about her, but Screwball quickly warned him that Discord could and would make him regret it. The other ideas he thought about were so stupid and impractical that they don’t deserve the reader’s time.

Even though Screwball was supposed to be on Havoc’s side now, he sometimes felt as if they were still enemies. She enjoyed mocking him, appearing when no one else could see her only to wave at him or show him her tongue, and he always found her in his bed when he went to sleep. She also liked to eat most of his food, save for the meat he was given from time to time, because “needed to eat like everypony” and “couldn’t survive on magic alone like a draconequus”. This caught Havoc’s curiosity, as he had assumed that Screwball was a draconequus minor created by Discord, so he questioned her about it. He desisted after the fifth time she made her hoof turn into a human and flipped him the bird. The same answer was given when he asked her why Discord didn’t want anyone to know about her. Eventually, he decided to stop fighting her and try to get used to her presence. If you can't beat them, join them.

Once the army arrived at Gemstone, they found that the Dominion army was already camped next to the diamond dog fortress. Shining Armor imparted very strict orders regarding how to treat the griffon army to avoid an unwanted fight, and tension could be cut with a knife. Two days of sending messages back and forth later, Shining Armor and the griffon leader decided to meet in neutral ground. Since the Gemstone dogs could decide to ambush them during negotiations, both sides would bring enough warriors to ensure their safety. Drogur suggested Havoc to turn into diamond dog and act as part of his guard, so they would have an ace up their sleeve.

At midday, the two groups met in the middle of the snow-covered field as their respective armies eyed each other. Shining Armor, Drogur and Attila escorted by twelve crystal ponies led by Emerald Sword and ten diamond dogs commanded by Drogur’s brother, Borduk the Beta. The Dominion army’s leader was a griffon that Havoc instantly recognised. He had brown hair and white feathers like most griffons, with some red feathers around his blue eyes. One of his wings had been replaced with some sort of steampunk robotic wing, and he also wore a polychromatic armor made with the scales of many different dragons. He was followed by twenty griffons, one of them a female that Havoc would have sworn was Gilda. ‘The clone Screwball made was not enough, now I have to deal with the real one. Fuck my life.’

“We meet again, Griffon,” Shining Armor grunted.

“Sup, Shiny? I don’t know your friends.”

“This is Drogur the Arcane, lord of Granite Back, Sapphire Pit and Copper Depth, protector of Ebony Fang and Marble Heart; and this is Attila Sarois, Lord of Yellow Topaz and protector of Sharp Ruby and Twin Opals.”

“Hi dudes, I’m Lord Griffon, warchief of the Dominion. These are my advisors, Lady Gilda and Lady Catastrophie.”

‘Oh, she actually IS Gilda.’

For the next forty minutes, Havoc’s mind went far, far away as the discussion progressed. He was wondering how well would his two apprentices be doing back in Trottingham when Griffon punched the ground, gaining his attention.

“Alright! Since we can’t reach an agreement, we’ll settle this with a duel! Pick your champion, if he beats me you can take Gemstone! If I win, you pack your things and let us do our thing!”

“Deal. I choose Havoc as my champion,” Shining replied. “Havoc, step forward and reveal yourself.”

Havoc did as he was told, making some griffons rear back and unsheath their weapons.

“Who are you supposed to be?” Griffon asked. “Discord’s disowned son?”

“I’m the one who’s going to turn you into Kentucky Fried Chicken, dude.”

Griffon’s eyes opened wide for a moment when he realized that Havoc was a human, but he soon replaced his surprised expression for a confident smirk. “We’ll see about that. Let’s get this over with right now.”

“Shining, one question before the fight starts,” Havoc said. “Will I get in trouble if I kill him during the fight?”

“Will he, Griffon?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell my guys that one of us could die and that I don’t want vendettas. They’ll understand, they’re awesome like that.”

“Great. However, if things get too rough, the security word is bananas.”

“Pffft, alright."

Without further ado, Griffon grabbed the humongous black dragon scale he used as a sword, while Havoc pulled out his hammer.

“You shouldn’t have stated that you are a human so clearly, dude. Forma versus,” Griffon said, and Havoc felt a weird wave of magic wash over him.

The hammer suddenly became too heavy for him, so Havoc had to drop it; only then did he realize that he was way smaller than before, and that his hands had become human hands.

“Oh my gosh did you just turn me back into human?” he asked, bewildered.

“Yep, I would surrender if I were you. You can’t beat me like that.”

“Oh come on!” Shining Armor snapped. “This is so unfair!”

“Wow, I had forgotten how easy it is to think with a human brain…” Havoc mused, and then his eyes opened wide. “Oh, shit!”

He opened his mouth and let out a bloodcurdling scream as a golden aura surrounded him. Griffon tried to hit him with the hilt of his sword, but the aura acted as a barrier that protected Havoc. Meanwhile, his human body began to change. He grew larger, and some of his body parts began to morph into something else. In less than twenty seconds, the transformation ended and he stopped screaming. Now, he looked like he was the offspring of his draconequus form and his human form after several hours of homosexual mating. It was a rather disgusting abomination that I would rather not describe in detail.

“What the fuck are you?!” Griffon asked. “I have never seen this happen to any other human!”

“The chaos magic… Your spell turned me human, but the magic remained in me. A human body isn’t chaotic enough to contain that much energy, so it draconequified me so all of it would fit in my body.” Snapping his grotesque half human, half diamond dog fingers, Havoc made a mirror appear in front of him. “Holy shit how am I going to get any ladies now? Hey, my eyes look just like Screwball’s now.”

“You know what? I’m not going to fight you while you look like that. You are creepy as hell, mate. Let’s turn you back: reverti.”

Havoc immediately turned back into his default draconequus form and recovered his hammer from the ground.

“Hold on a second,” Drogur said, making the two fighters look at him, expectantly. “When you first came to Granite Back you were a human, turned into a draconequus, turned into a diamond dog?”

“... Yes?”

“Are there more layers that I should know about? Are you actually a pony turned into a human, too?”

“Don’t worry, you just saw the bottom layer. Now, can I fight this guy who made me go through a terribly painful transformation?”

“Not yet,” he said, then he pulled a pencil and a sheet of paper from a pocket in his jacket. “Griffon is using magic words, might as well write all of them down for later. Now, please continue. I would like this to end before tea time.”

Griffon flew towards Havoc, swinging his weapon in a wide arc from left to right. Havoc crouched so the weapon would pass above him and breathed fire on Griffon’s exposed chest. The dragonscale armor protected him, but he was pushed back by the flames, giving Havoc time to start a vertical swing of his hammer. Griffon stepped to his left to dodge the blow, but Havoc used his magic to temporarily tweak the laws of physics, cancelling the weapon’s momentum so he could swing it to the side faster than it should be possible. This attack caught Griffon unprepared, impacting directly against his ribcage.

“Dafuq you just did?” he asked, flying back as he grimaced in pain. “Yeah, right, draconequus. Shit won’t make sense. Got it.”

A miniature jet fighter appeared in Havoc’s hand, and he aimed it at Griffon. The fighter’s heat seeking missiles propelled themselves and chased Griffon, who flew away as fast as he could.

“Ignis!” he shouted, creating a fireball behind him which lured the missiles, making them explode.

Havoc teleported right in front of Griffon while he was distracted by the explosion and clotheslined him. Dazed, Griffon crashed on the ground ten meters below, but he got back on his legs in time to block a blow from Havoc’s hammer with his sword. Havoc applied force and tripled his own size, trying to crush Griffon under his weight, but Griffon pecked his diamond dog arm, making it release the hammer. Then, he pushed to the side hard enough for Havoc’s wooden arm to lose grasp on the hammer. Disarmed, Havoc couldn’t protect himself from a vertical slash from Griffon’s sword, which left a wide open wound on his belly.

Blood sprayed from Havoc’s wound, but as soon as it landed on Griffon it turned into all manners of spiders, some of them larger and more hideous than any existing species on Earth or Equis.

Paralyzed by fear, Griffon curled into a ball as Havoc healed the wound. “Not real. Chaos illusions. They are chaos illusions. Not real. Not real.” Then one of the spiders bit him. “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. IGNIS!”

Powerful flames covered Griffon for a brief moment, until he shouted “extinguo” and they disappeared. “I hate-”

His phrase was cut short when Havoc swung his recovered hammer against him, his mechanical wing acting as a shield that protected his head but was heavily damaged by the attack. “You are pretty much fucked now,” Havoc taunted as he flew up and began to throw lightning spears. “How’s it feeeeeeeeeeeel Griff? To be a flightless ~bitch~?” Sadly, Havoc’s aim was so shitty that none of them landed on Griffon.

“Condense Vento!” Griffon began as he began to beat his wings, the mechanical one still managing to clumsily imitate the real one. Even though he didn’t take off, a powerful wind surrounded him, and Havoc saw some sort of distortion in front of Griffon. “Clepto Ignis! Perfectum Circus! Claustra! Reverti!”

The distortion had grown into a sphere of air hotter and heavier than most fireballs. “RAMEX!”

A huge cone of scorching air moved towards Havoc’s area, too large and fast to avoid. He teleported outside the area before the heat damaged him badly, and only then did he realize that something had pierced his torso with enough speed to make a hole that an adult pony could fit inside without crouching. Scared, he snapped his fingers to make five pony xenomorphs appear around Griffon and attack him while he used his magic to heal the grievous wound and turn back to his normal size.

By the time his wound closed, Griffon had dealt with four of the xenomorphs, so Havoc joined the last one and they attacked him together. Griffon quickly beheaded the xenomorph and then focused on Havoc, who realized that Griffon was a much, much better swordsman. Even with his chaos magic making him grow two extra arms that wielded swords, Havoc couldn’t harm Griffon, who used the words “accelero” and “fortis” to make himself several times faster and stronger.

When Griffon’s sword cut clean Havoc’s frog leg, he decided to try instantly ending the fight. Using a lot of his magic to penetrate the dragonscale armor, he turned Griffon’s bones into glass, so several of them broke when he attempted to attack again. Griffon immediately fell and began to cry in pain as the impact broke even more of his bones.

“Surrender, Griffon,” Havoc suggested as his leg grew again. “You are just a griffon with a bit of magic, I am out of your league.”

“Concordia,” Griffon spat as he managed to take a marble-sized diamond filled with magic from one of his pockets. As the diamond lost its magic, Havoc felt his own magic disappear, reducing it to critical levels.

“Medico,” said Griffon, and he got up fully recovered. “Out of your league? Bitch, please, you talk like a stereotypical bad guy. I just spent on you a diamond with all the magic five unicorns could gather in a week, let’s see how much you have left now. BANKAI!”

When he said that word, a blinding light surrounded him for a few seconds. When it disappeared, his enormous sword had been replaced by a black katana. “Jiheishō no saishū-bin,” Griffon said in terrible Japanese. But it isn’t like Havoc would have noticed, anyways.

“No,” Havoc said. “No fucking way that glorified dragon scale was a zanpakuto. Where’s the trick? I demand an explanation right now.”

“Alright, a friend gifted Jiheishō no saishū-bin to me. It was back in a sealed chest in my ship. Bankai is the security word to swap my weapons from the chest to my hands. It was a bitch to set up that spell in Latin.”

Havoc briefly noticed that the sword had something engraved on the blade: 自閉症の最終便. “So you are going to fight me with your wordsword?”

“Wordsword?”

“It’s a sword, and it was words on it. Wordsword.”

“For fuck’s sake, Havoc,” Griffon complained, facepalming. “How am I supposed to take Jiheishō no saishū-bin seriously ever again?”

“Yep, now that you can’t take it seriously, you might as well surrender.”

“Nope. Lacero!”

Griffon’s wordsword began to make a buzzing noise, which was caused by it being so sharp that it could cut air with the slightest of movements, such as the effect of Griffon’s heartbeats on his grip. Griffon rushed towards Havoc and swung his sword in a diagonal arc from his upper right to his lower left. Havoc tried to block with his hammer, but the enhanced sword cut through the dragonbone as if it was butter, and continued until it cut Havoc in two halves. Griffon continued slashing, and in a matter of seconds Havoc was a severed head atop a pile of his own butchered body.

“Bananas! Bananas!” Havoc shouted magically, since he had no lungs. “I surrender! ... Shit! I don’t have enough magic to heal! FUCK YOU I’M GOING TO DIE THE MOMENT I SPEND THE LAST OF IT!”

Drogur suddenly sprinted towards Griffon and gave him a deep, passionate kiss. The sheer amount of randomness of that action gave Havoc the extra burst of chaos energy he needed to reassemble his body and survive.

“Thank you so much, Alpha Drogur,” he managed to say. “That was so close…”

“... Wat,” was all Griffon said.

“Do not bring me flowers, Griffon. Havoc feeds on the chaos that surrounds him, what I did was the only thing chaotic enough to save him,” Drogur explained after he wiped his tongue with his paws.

After several more “wats” and “dafuqs”, Griffon remembered that he had won, so he ordered his griffons to return to the camp and prepare for an assault on Gemstone after threatening to pluck anyone who dared to mention what they had seen. Then, Shining Armor approached Havoc, who was hugging a very uncomfortable Drogur while crying in gratitude.

“Havoc, cut the crap and listen to me. We’ll probably have to fight with the Dominion again over who takes control of the next den we reach at the same time. From now on, you will no longer lazy around. You will train and come up with tactics to defeat Griffon. We can’t afford to lose all the dens they arrive at just because none of us can defeat him, and Luna can’t help us against him due to his especial circumstances. Understood?”

“Crystal clear,” Havoc replied, releasing Drogur from the awkward embrace and turning serious. “I need to rest and recover from the fight. I’ll start training tomorrow. Have one of our griffon volunteers show up by my tent after breakfast, I’ll need him.”

“I’m glad you are taking this seriously. I will provide everything you think you need to improve your chances of defeating Griffon. Now, let’s get back to the camp. We are going to take advantage of the time they will waste on Gemstone to reach the next den before they do.”

Havoc was laying on his bed, feeding on the chaos caused by the army. Shining Armor had ordered to raise the camp as soon as he arrived, so the thousands of soldiers who were ready to fight had to take off their armors as fast as they could and start packing things up. When the army learned that his defeat was the reason why they wouldn’t conquer Gemstone, their scorn became a large and constant source of chaos energy. According to Shining Armor, it would be two hours before they were ready to leave. Since one of his privileges was having his tent set up and taken down by servants, he had told them to start with the others so he could recover from his injuries. “They don’t need to know that I instantly healed the moment Drogur went full homo on Griffon”.

He had been expecting Screwball to show up, so he was surprised when a female griffon walked into his tent, instead. “What do you… Hold on, you are Griffon’s advisor, Catastrophe!” he exclaimed. “What do you want?”

“It’s Catastrophie, you fucking idiot. I’m here because, after seeing what you can do, I would greatly enjoy having sex with you.”

“... What.”

Catastrophie laughed. “Griffon reacted just like you. A shame he won’t have anyone other than Gilda.” She climbed to Havoc’s bed and began to sensually rub him with her body while her claw slowly moved towards his crotch.

When it reached it, her sly smile turned into a frown. “What the fuck, you have nothing down there!”

It was Havoc’s turn to laugh. “This body is asexual. Luckily for both of us,” he added. “I’m a resourceful man.”

He changed into his teen dragon form and grabbed Catastrophie. “You are crazy for coming here just to fuck, and the rational part of me screams that fucking you is the stupidest thing I could ever do. Then again, chaos, insanity and stupidity often come together.”

Catastrophie’s grin returned, but just before Havoc went down on her they were both startled by the sound of a very powerful air horn. The sound had the effect of making both of them jump out of the bed and look around in alert. “What the fuck was that?!” asked Catastrophie. “If this is a prank of yours I swear I’m going to destroy you harder than Griffon did!”

A purple spiral appeared before Catastrophie, quickly rotating as it grew larger and larger. Soon, Catastrophie was hypnotised by it, and Screwball’s voice came from the spiral. “Return to your tent, and when you wake up you will have forgotten you came here and you will decide that having sex with a draconequus is not worth the time and effort.”

Catastrophie dumbly nodded and walked away as the spiral grew and became Screwball.

“Good job cockbloking me, cunt,” Havoc complained as he returned to his original form. “Do you have any idea just how hard it is to get pussy when you look like this?”

“Watching over you is boring, you wouldn’t have passed such an opportunity to mess with somepony, either. And don’t play the ‘I’m hideous’ card on me, you can shapeshift into anything you want. DO you have any idea just to hard is to get dick when you have these eyes? And no, I can’t shapeshift them so they look normal.”

“Well, sucks to be… Eyes! When Griffon turned me human and the chaos magic made me turn into something midway between this and a human my eyes were just like yours… Holy fucking shit you are not a draconequus minor, you are a pony with chaos magic.”

“Ugh, yes I am a pony. I thought you already knew. I mean, the hooves, cutie mark and snout are pretty distinctive.”

“So THAT’S why you still need to eat like the rest of ponies. And your draconequus form is like mine when the chaos magic changed my human form. Hm… How come you can stay as a pony? I couldn’t change back to human, the chaos magic wouldn’t let me.”

Screwball sighed. “I don’t know. You humans come from a world without magic, maybe human bodies can’t hold any chaos magic so the moment you have a little bit you transform. I can’t stay as a pony when I take too much chaos magic, either.”

“Screwball… Were you an earth pony that turned into this? Or do you belong to a completely different pony race?”

“What’s it to you? You have been asking me questions about my life nonstop since I appeared,” she complained. “‘Are you from Canterlot?’ ‘Can you eat meat when you aren’t in your pony form?’ ‘What did you do after leaving Ponyville?’ Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“I just thought that we are going to be together for a long time. Since I was unable to make you leave, I would rather have fun with a friend than deal with an ex-enemy. That’s why I’m trying to reach out to you.”

Her irritation turned into genuine confusion. “Are you serious? I tried to kill you twice!”

“I am serious, Screwball. Yes, we were enemies. Yes, you almost killed me. Yes, I spent several days trying to get rid of you at first, but now we are on the same side. Hating each other won’t take us anywhere, but I think we could be great friends if we give it a try. What do you say?”

Screwball stared at him for several seconds before replying. “I am from Canterlot, I can’t eat meat without getting sick, I moved to Canterlot after turning you into stone and I was an earth pony before I gained chaos powers. The reason why you can’t reveal my existence is because Celestia and Luna don’t know ponies like me exist, and daddy doesn’t want to tell them yet. He said that, if he could befriend Fluttershy, I could and should make friends too; so I’m going to take your offer. You better have best friend material or I’ll make you regret wasting my time.”

“Screwball, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

INTERMISSION 5

Gwar felt very frustrated. Over the last year he had finally reached adulthood, and now he was bigger than Drogur, his father, and nearly as big as Borduk, his uncle. Since an early age, his father had taught him how to rule, negotiate, fight and all the other necessary skills for a diamond dog Alpha. Drogur had also taught him a couple of magic words and how to use them in combat, promising to teach him more as soon as he returned to his side. Due to this, Gwar wanted to be by Drogur’s side, learning the arts of war and magic from him as they conquered Gem Fido. Then, when the time was right, he would challenge his uncle and become Beta, in order to eventually succeed his father as Granite Back’s Alpha and Lord.

Instead, he had been sent to Equestria, to convince the diamond dog clans that inhabited it to join pony society. He had started in Canterlot, convincing the two diamond dog clans that lived near it to live among the ponies. Equestrian diamond dogs were often smaller and less aggressive than Gem Fido one. They were rarely lead by an Alpha with alpha blood, so all of them had immediately bowed before the authority his superior strength warranted. After that his silver tongue had only needed a few minutes to explain to them that becoming equestrians would only bring them benefits. He knew that his mission was important: making Gem Fido part of Equestria while Equestria itself was inhabited by hundreds of “savage” diamond dogs was a time bomb waiting to explode. Despite that, he considered himself above the task.

He travelled accompanied by only two Granite Back dogs to protect him in case things went awry, plus whoever was tasked with guiding him to the local dens in every pony town he visited. The Canterlot guide had been alright. He was the lieutenant of the Royal Guard in charge of keeping the domains that surrounded Canterlot in order, so he wasn’t afraid of him like the rest of the ponies he had seen. He had also been cracking jokes since the moment they met.

Now he was in Ponyville, walking towards the only den in the area. He sincerely hoped his next guides would be more like lieutenant Morningstar and less like his current ones. One of them was a unicorn named Rarity, who was also the Element of Generosity. Apparently, she had been captured by the local diamond dogs while she was digging for gems just above their den. She had been forced to work for them until her constant whining became so insufferable that they had released her. Gwar could tell that her politeness was just a mask that barely concealed her disgust towards his race.

His other guide was a baby dragon named Spike, who didn’t even attempt to hide his true colors. Since the moment they had met, Spike had been glaring at Gwar and his bodyguards, obviously expecting them to turn on him and Rarity as soon as he blinked. Gwar knew what racism was: most diamond dogs were racists, considering ponies, griffons and pretty much anything they enslaved as inferiors. However, being on the other side of the coin was a new experience. A frustrating and upsetting one.

“This is the place where I got caught,” Rarity piped up.

“Good, you two move back and stay near my dogs. They will protect you if things get dangerous.”

As soon as he said that, he began to hit the ground with his fists while howling as hard as he could. In less than a minute the diamond dogs began to emerge one by one until they were fifteen. Gwar knew that at least thirty more diamond dogs were waiting underground, ready to attack the moment their Alpha ordered it.

Said Alpha approached him. He was a common diamond dog, with gray fur, green eyes and a red jacket. “Who are you? Why bring whining pony?” he half-barked.

“I am Gwar, son of Drogur the Arcane, Alpha of Granite Back,” he noticed that some dogs’ ears pinned to their heads in an uncontrollable display of nervousness. So they know about what's happening in Gem Fido. Good.

“I am Rover, Alpha of the Everfree clan. Why you here?”

“I have come to make you an offer. You become subjects of Equestria. The lands above your warren will become officially yours, so nopony will be allowed to take your gems away from you. Right now, if you harm a pony the pony soldiers will come and make you all prisoners. You know that well. If you become subjects of Equestria, that won’t change, but ponies won’t fear coming here. They will sell you things you want in exchange for gems. You can buy as much alcohol as you can instead of stealing it when ponies aren’t looking. Buy tools with pony magic that won’t break in a lifetime. You like fighting? You can join the pony army and fight in wars for money and glory. You think ponies trick you and pay less than they should? You can study in their schools, learn their economy and use their knowledge against them. If you are sick, the ponies will heal you in their hospitals. The only thing you need to do, is to accept the Princesses authority.”

The diamond dogs began to talk among themselves, many of them willing to accept Gwar’s offer until Rover raised his fist to make them shut up.

“No. We are diamond dogs. We are not weak soft ponies. We don’t obey ponies. We don’t work for ponies. We live free, and do what we want. You want us leashed.”

“Fool, you are already leashed by your stupidity. What you call freedom is your leash. You can’t leave this place, because ponies will attack you on sight. The neighbouring clans will do the same if you evade the ponies. If you stay and neither ponies nor other clans bother you, the Griffon Pirates will. You won’t even have to obey ponies. Only the princesses. And one of the princesses is the Queen Moon herself. Would you disobey Queen Moon?”

“Hold on.”

Rover approached two other diamond dogs, one larger than him and the other ridiculously short and they began to whisper among themselves. At first, Gwar was confused: why would the Alpha discuss something with his dogs before making a decision? It would only make him seem weaker and make his dogs more eager to challenge him. Drogur had told him that equestrian dogs were different. They didn't follow their laws and traditions in the same way. It was possible that the three of them shared the position of Alpha, or that those two were Betas.

Eventually, Rover turned towards Gwar. “Alright. If it works for Gem Fido dogs, it works for us.”

“That’s it? That’s all the negotiations?” asked Spike from his spot between Rarity and all the diamond dogs.

“Yes,” one of Gwar’s bodyguards answered. “Gwar is stronger and smarter. He has alpha blood. If he says being equestrian is good, then it is good. You ponies call it “might makes right”, I think.”

“That is so primitive and barbaric,” Rarity thought aloud, making the two diamond dogs shrug.

“Power isn’t only important thing,” the bodyguard continued. “Intelligence of words is also important. If Gwar says ‘you have to wear pink dresses all the time’ no dog will listen, even if he is stronger, because it is stupid. Being stronger makes you right when it’s not easy to say who is right. Gwar said why is good to be equestrian, Rover said why it’s no good, if Gwar can’t say why is good to be equestrian then dogs don’t obey, because he is not their Alpha.”

“It’s still a weird way to rule," Spike observed.

“Why say that? You dragon. Dragons do same. Weak dragons obey or they crushed by strong dragons."

"I'm not like those mean guys."

"Rarity," Gwar called. "Lead us back to Ponyville. We are going to formalize this so pony authorities will respect the deal."

For the umpteenth time, Gwar shook his head in disbelief. As soon as they had returned to Ponyville with Rover and his two co-Betas and they had made them sign the required documents, a pink pony named Pinkie Pie had bursted into the Town Hall and invited them to a “Diamond dogs are our friends now” party. His initial reaction had been to refuse, but then he realized that doing so might have made the equestrian diamond dogs doubt his words about how great ponies were. Now, he was sitting on the edge of the dancing floor, drinking non-alcoholic punch with Rover. The Alpha had proven to be an amusing partner, as living near the Everfree Forest meant he had a great deal of stories about encounters with the monsters that inhabited it. Even though Equestria was a much safer land than Gem Fido, the Everfree was the habitat of creatures that were dangerous even by Gem Fido standards, such as manticores and hydras. They were arguing about who would win in a fight between an hydra and a dragon when the local princess, Twilight Sparkle, approached them.

“Ah, Princess Twilight Sparkle,” Gwar greeted her with a bow. “It is an honour to meet you at last. After meeting Queen Moon and Princess Cadance and Princess Celestia, I was looking forward to meeting you.”

“You must be Gwar,” she assumed, to which Gwar quickly nodded. “The honor is mine. And I assume you are the Alpha Rover.”

“You are a princess?” Rover asked, scratching his head. “I remember you. You dig into my house, fight my dogs and take whini- Rarity with you. You weren’t a princess then. I didn’t know normal ponies could become princesses?”

“It is a long story. I know we… Have gotten off to a bad start, but I hope we can forget that episode and become friends for the good of our people.”

“No bad blood, princess. We took your friend so she finds gems, you fought to recover her. It’s in the past.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” she replied, smiling as she levitated a cup of punch for herself. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Yes. The party is very good. Lots of sugar and new music. Getting sugar is very hard for us, and our music is always the same songs.”

“Well, I’m sure the Cakes will be more than happy to sell you are the sweets you want. Now, I must apologize, Alpha Rover, but I would like to have a few words with Gwar in private.”

“Good. Maybe I talk to whi- Rarity. Now we pay her so she finds gems without whining.”

“Good luck with that,” Gwar said, seriously doubting the stuck-up unicorn would ever agree to work with diamond dogs. “Lead the way, princess.”

Gwar was seriously considering suicide. He could easily slit his throat with his diamond-cutting claws, and his death would be swift. His main concern was if he would be able to also kill Twilight for the torture she was putting him through, or if she would be fast enough to stop him with his magic, also preventing him from killing himself. For an entire hour, she had been hammering him with the most inane questions a rational mind could conceive. He got the point of some of the questions about their history and lifestyle, but… Why would it matter to ANYONE the average levels of humidity of diamond dog dwellings, and how could she expect him to know something like that?

At first he had suspected that the stupid questions had a hidden depth, and that she was gathering information from what he didn’t say or what she could deduce of seemingly unrelated questions. His father had warned him about such tactics, about how ponies could use their superior intelligence to outmaneuver even the smartest diamond dog. After the first twenty minutes, he was certain that this was not the case. The youngest princess of Equestria seemed to have an eerie interest in knowledge, no matter how useful it was. At least she’s almost done. He thought as she reached the end of the painfully long scroll she had been reading her questions from. That’s when she levitated yet another scroll to her side, longer than the current one.

That’s it, I can’t take this anymore. “Princess. I apologize for interrupting, but I refuse to answer any more of the questions. I travelled today from Canterlot to Ponyville by pegasi carriage, even though I am afraid of heights like many other diamond dogs. I had to face an entire diamond dog den with only two bodyguards that could have only postponed my violent death if negotiations had gone awry. What I want now is either to drop dead on a bed or drink and have fun. Answering your questions about even the most circumstantial aspect of my species is not what I had in mind for tonight.”

“Oh, Celestia. I am so sorry,” she apologised, blushing. “Nopony has ever had a chance to interview an alpha-breed diamond dog in nearly two hundred years, so I got carried away.”

“Is there anything important you wish to discuss, or am I allowed to leave, princess?”

“Actually, there is something. So far, there have been next to no problems between equestrian diamond dogs and ponies. However, most of these ponies are military who are too busy fighting to care about who sleeps next door, or crystal ponies who come from a time when working with diamond dogs was normal. I fear that ponies and diamond dogs will clash violently a few years after the Gem Fido war is over. Our species are very different, and both societies frown upon those who are different. I shared this concern with both Celestia and your father, and they have agreed to take measures to help our people learn to love and tolerate each other.”

“So what does all of this have to do with me?”

“Your mission is to bring the diamond dogs of Equestria into society. However, the reasons you have given them so far could be summarized as ‘join the ponies, they will give you stuff. Also, you will probably die if you don’t.’ This has worked for now, but it causes a terrible first impression which could kick us in the future. You must convince them of the fact that living with us is not the lesser of two evils, it’s something good that they should look forward to. In addition, you will most likely succeed your father as Alpha and Lord… That’s also something that should be discussed soon. Alpha is a title earned by combat, while Lord is hereditary. An individual being both a the same-”

“Abridged version, please.”

“Right. Sorry. Since you will probably become the next Lord of Granite Back and all the neighbouring territories, your actions will influence the views of many individuals. It is imperative that you always remember this, because your actions and words could either lead us to prosperity or to a civil war.”

“What you say makes sense. I will be more careful from now on.”

“I’m glad you agree.”

“Now, is that all you wanted from me?”

“Well… I still have these questions,” she commented, pointing at the Second Scroll of Eternal Damnation and Boredom.

“I think I will pass. Good night, princess Twilight Sparkle.”

Holy Moon this has been by a wide margin the worst meeting with a princess I have had so far. Princess Luna was as powerful and beautiful as the Moon itself. Celestia was so imposing and wise that you couldn’t resist the urge to kneel as if she was your Alpha and she was baring her teeth at you. Cadance was a lot of fun and considers us equal to ponies without hesitation, unlike most non-crystal ponies. But THIS pony! No fun, no greatness, no nothing! Just endless questions and a monologue about friendship!

“Are you going to bed?” Twilight asked, interrupting Gwar’s thoughts.

“That was my plan, yes.”

“Maybe you should consider returning to the party. I estimate it is late enough for the foals to have gone to sleep and for Pinkie to have replaced the punch and soda with booze. Also, it would be rude not to bid farewell to the local diamond dogs, wouldn’t it?”

She lured me back to the party with the promise of booze so I would do the right thing and see Rover off? Alright, it’s official. Twilight is the worst princess.

27: Nobody Expects the Gem Fido Timeskip

The next six months went by pretty fast for Havoc. Between training, spending time with Screwball, travelling from one diamond dog to the next and the battles; he was surprised to find that it was August and they were at the doors of Black Diamond, the largest diamond dog warren in the world.

He and Screwball had quickly become great friends. They enjoyed causing trouble together, and Screwball's knowledge of human culture gave them an interesting topic of conversation. Havoc was surprised to find that Screwball, behind all the chaos and randomness, was an intelligent and insightful mare.

After a few weeks, they had grown close enough for her to tell him how she became what she was. She was the only daughter of a lower middle class Canterlot family. She never met her father, a baseball coach who died of a heart attack when her mother was pregnant with her. When she was two, her mother’s health quickly deteriorated to the point where she couldn’t take care of Screwball. Since they had no other relatives, Screwball’s mother sent her to an orphanage, and died a few months later due to a disease that nopony ever explained to Screwball because “she was too young to understand”. Being an earth pony in Canterlot, she was constantly surrounded by unicorns, so she had grown jealous of their magic. She would spend lots of her free time trying to find ways for earth ponies to do magic. One day, a week after she got her cutie mark, she found a strange book in the orphanage’s library that nopony seemed to have seen before. Reading this book, she learned about Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony who had the power to alter reality in any way he wanted. The book also detailed how to gain Discord’s gratitude, and how he would grant a wish to the fortunate pony.

For years, she followed the book’s guidelines. She vandalized public property, created conflicts between the ponies she knew, and caused mistrust and hate whenever she could. She eventually realized that Discord himself was using the book to talk to her from his stone prison, and that she could reply by writing on it. Yes, just like Tom Marvolo Riddle’s diary in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. I guess Discord thought that, if using a magic diary to make a young girl do what you want worked for Voldemort, it would work for him. Over the years, Screwball became more and more enthralled by Discord, to the point where she considered him the father she never had.

Eventually, Discord broke free, and soon appeared before her. Using his magic, he turned her into a chaos pony. Under normal circumstances, a pony will slowly grow sick and die if there’s too much chaos magic in his body. This is what happened to Diane, and it’s caused by the conflict between the harmony-based magic that is natural in ponies and the chaotic magic. However, just like a bit of chaos magic will be easily rejected by a pony’s magic, a large amount of chaos magic can overwhelm the natural pony magic, taking its place. When this happens, ponies turn into chaos ponies, gaining most of a draconequus’ abilities.

Chaos ponies were one of the many wonders Discord created during his reign over Equestria. Discord turned many of the ponies who learned to enjoy his chaotic rule into chaos ponies, but they were exiled when he was defeated. Eventually, these original chaos ponies became extinct, since the chaos magic made them unable to give birth to living offspring. According to Screwball, Discord preferred chaos ponies over draconequi minor because they were much easier to create, similar in power and less prone to bitterness and emo-tantrums. Their main disadvantage was that their swirly eyes couldn’t be concealed, even with illusion magic, so chaos ponies were unable to live among other ponies without revealing their true nature. Since Celestia and Luna had considered them abominations to nature and harmony, Discord wasn’t keen on them knowing that he had made a new one.

When Twilight and her friends reimprisoned Discord, Screwball considered giving herself up, but Discord had other plans in mind. Now that she was a chaos pony, he could communicate telepathically with her, giving her orders from his stone prison. Until his next release and turn to good, she spied on the Elements and chesspieces of interest for him, and attempted to kill Havoc whenever she could.

Havoc’s days were mostly occupied by both Screwball and his training. He sparred with any griffon who volunteered to face him, learning how they moved, their strengths and their weaknesses. He also trained with Drogur, who used Latin magic against him. The Alpha had been overjoyed when Havoc revealed that the magic words were magical due to them belonging to a different language, and had ordered him to tell him all the words he knew. Sadly, Havoc’s knowledge of Latin was almost nonexistent, so their only source of new words was fighting Griffon.

The next time Griffon and Havoc fought over a diamond dog den, a month after their first fight, Havoc surprised Griffon by simply forcing his beak shut with magic, silencing him. Unable to use his magic, Griffon quickly surrendered before Havoc could cripple or kill him. A week later, they had to fight over who would loot the corpse of a dragon who was idiotic enough to attack the scouts of both armies. Havoc and Griffon teamed up to kill the dragon, and fought each other as soon as he died. Even though Griffon had discovered a way to use magic after being silenced, Havoc won again, having learned a way to mitigate the effects of the “Concordia” spell. When Griffon gave up, Havoc almost decided to kill him there and then and blame the dragon. Only the possibility of infuriating one of the most powerful nations in the world gave him pause. From the dragon’s corpse Havoc got a new bone to use as a hammer, replacing the one Griffon broke.

Their fourth and last fight took place a month later, and they fought over who was best pony. It had started as a harmless conversation between both. Being both humans, they had decided to meet to just talk about human stuff instead of fighting each other. They had happily talked about videogames, about how they arrived to Equestria and a few of their exploits, both calling the other a Mary Sue a couple of times, until Griffon mentioned that Twilight was best pony. Havoc replied that Pinkie Pie was best pony, followed closely by Cadance, whereas Twilight was worst pony. They had become progressively angrier, with Griffon praising Twilight’s virtues while Havoc talked shit about her, until they began to fight. Despite being mad at each other, deep inside they knew they were just being silly, so they didn’t use weapons or magic against each other. Even though Havoc was bigger and stronger, Griffon proved to be much faster and more skilled at hand-to-hand combat, so soon he had Havoc pinned down in a submission hold. After that day, Havoc began to train more in non-magical combat, so he wouldn’t be so vulnerable without his magic.

One of the main worries for both Havoc and the ponies was the lack of information from Equestria. The Gem Fido skies were dangerous for lone pegasi carrying messages, and the few roaming dragons were not the only threat. Wyverns, the distant cousins of dragons, were a more common and equally lethal threat, although they were smaller and simple minded. There were also feral griffons, who had never seen civilization and enjoyed pony meat; the untamed weather that could endanger unprepared pegasi; and slaver diamond dogs desperate enough to sneak into enemy territory with their airships. In the end, mailponies could only reach the frontline when accompanying groups of soldier that were joining or returning to the army.

When the Sun and the Moon froze in the sky during Summer Sun Celebration in a constant half day, half night state; Shining Armor feared for the worst. After some heated arguments, he settled for waiting a full day before rushing back to Equestria. Luckily, everything returned to normality after a couple of hours, and Luna herself explained it all to Shining in his dreams.

A few weeks into the campaign, Havoc received a letter from Diane herself. Thrilled, he cut his training short so he could read the letter. The letter was a ten pages long paragraph that was insanely hard to read, but Havoc did it anyways. A lot of it was fodder about how good her health was now, how much she missed him, parties, and how well everypony was doing in Trottingham. From it, he managed to extract some tidbits of information. For starters, she was a bit angry with him for stealing money from the city, but she would use it as he told her if she ever had to. She was also renting his room, both to make some extra money and because the house was too big and looked empty when she was alone. She also assured him that she had rented the room to a mare and they were certainly not having a lesbian relationship. She didn’t write much about Comet Tail or Robin Hoof, only mentioning that they were both doing well. Havoc replied to that letter, telling her about what he had been up to, and so each month he received a new letter from her.

It might seem that Havoc’s life as Equestria’s strongest weapon in the Gem Fido war was reduced to fighting Griffon and hanging out with Screwball, but that was far from the truth. As the Dominion and the Equestria army took over dens, the remaining ones began to take measures to save themselves. Sometimes they would find empty dens, only for the next one to be occupied by three full clans, managing to pose a serious threat by sheer numbers. Their techniques also evolved, some of them paying dragons in gems to fight on their side, attacking the relatively defenseless dens Equestria had recently conquered, forcing them to increase the garrison on each one and reducing the size of the main army; or executing their slaves beforehand in a show of defiance. The latter ones became rare after the first den that did it was obliterated to the extent that it would have been easier to build a new den than to repair the damage done to the original one.

To make things worse, rumours of the legendary Diamond Wolf being the leader of the alliance of Gem Fido clans began to spread, making most of the remaining dens join the alliance and fight together against Equestria and the Dominion. In addition, everyday some of the dogs who fought for Equestria deserted so they could side with the Diamond Wolf.

When they reached Black Diamond, most of the remaining diamond dog clans had gathered in it to offer Equestria a last stand. The Dominion was busy dealing with a rebellion in the first dens they had conquered, so they were unable to reach it. Apparently, treating all diamond dogs living in dens you conquer worse than they treated their slaves because “they did it first” isn’t a long-lasting policy. Due to this, the equestrians would have no help fighting the massive army that, for the first time since the beginning of the war, outnumbered the pony army.

The increasingly common use of dragons by the diamond dogs had forced Celestia to send the Wonderbolts to help. Even though the Wonderbolts were mainly a group of acrobats and performers, they were also a group made of pegasi who could use the razorwing technique with enough skill to cut through dragon scales and bones. They would fly disguised as regular scouts, waiting for the right moment to cut a dragon’s wings and make it fall to a certain death, either by the impact or by the army who waited on the ground. Since Black Diamond had a total of five adult dragons on their side, their presence could be decisive.

Havoc was called by Shining to his tent the same day they reached Black Diamond, where all the important people was gathered.

“This time, your goal isn’t to cause as much damage as possible, there’s so many of them that you won’t make a difference,” Shining explained to the draconequus. “This so-called diamond wolf is supposed to be a formidable foe, stronger than Griffon, even. Your main goal is to accumulate as much power as you can, and you will engage the wolf the moment he reveals himself. Try to take him alive if you can, but don’t hesitate to kill him if non-lethal methods won’t work. In the meanwhile, you will pay attention to the battlefield and help any group that sends a blue signal.”

They also gave him a brief summary of their plans, since they knew he was unable to sit and listen during a full meeting. For the next hours before the fight itself, Havoc simply soared a few meters above the camp, taking energy from the myriad of little accidents and funny situations that took place in it.

Unlike most diamond dog warrens, Black Diamond was built on the surface, just like any pony city. Since the main threat to them was dragon attacks, the city had stone roofs and several ballistas to fend them off, yet it lacked walls that would protect them from the pony army; so the diamond dogs decided to leave the city and meet their enemies in the field.

The mercenary dragons circled above the endless hordes of diamond dogs, breathing fire and roaring in a display of power. An idea sparked in Havoc’s mind, so he carried it out before the fighting began. Using his magic, he created an illusion that looked like him, just more menacing and twice as big as the largest dragon in the area. The illusion roared so loud that two of the dragons got so startled that they collided against each other and almost fell on the army below. The equestrians laughed and cheered, and the Gem Fido diamond dogs began their charge to make up for the humiliation.

Just like that, the battle began. The pegasi archers fired volley after volley of arrows enchanted by the unicorns so they would explode upon impact, while a few Gem Fido dogs replied with bows, crossbows and slingshots. When the equestrian infantry charged against the dogs, Havoc made his copy run a few meters ahead of them, turning smaller with each step. As soon as it collided against the first line of diamond dogs, it exploded in a shower of shrapnel, injuring dozens and making an opening for the equestrians to break through. The magic words shouted by Attila and Drogur mixed with the orders, the cries of pain, the roaring and the neighing as the soldiers killed each other. The pegasi soon fired all the enchanted arrows, so they took flight and began using regular against the enemies below. As soon as they did, the dragons rushed towards them.

The arrows fired by the pegasi couldn’t pierce the dragons’ scales, but they could tear holes in their leathery wings or blind them, so the dragons had to strike fast and with their eyes closed , so they relied on their sense of smell and hearing to find their prey. When the Wonderbolts cut the first dragon’s throat with their razorwing as soon as he reached them, the others began to move in circles and use their firebreath to keep the deadly pegasi away from them. Havoc abandoned his position near Shining Armor and flew towards a pink dragoness. A few seconds before he hit her face with his hammer, both of them did a double take.

“YOU!” they shouted at the same time. ‘I can't believe I'm going to fight the same pink dragoness who tried to kill me twice after I stole from her! Just when I thought the universe had forgotten about me and decided to fuck with someone else...’

“This victory will be twice as sweet!” the dragoness gloated as she tried to bite Havoc, who dodged her teeth by a few hairs’ breadth.

“So, why did you hate me so much?” Havoc asked.

“What?! You don’t remember? You stole from me!”

“For you, the day Havoc sacked your hoard was the most important day of your life. But for me, it was Tuesday,” he replied as he kept on dodging her attacks and making her even more furious by throwing puns and lightning attacks that wouldn’t kill her but were painful.

He kept on taunting and attacking her, giving the Wonderbolts a chance to attack her wings. The joined effort of four Wonderbolts managed to sever both of her wings in the blink of an eye, making her plummet to her death while she cursed Havoc’s name with her last breath.

“Well, that was anticlimactic.”

“There’s three more of them, you still have a chance to have an epic battle with one of them,” a male Wonderbolt replied as he flew past.

Shrugging, Havoc looked to the ground, and found two constant streams of blue fireworks coming from different points in the battlefield. “Shit!” he cursed as he flew towards the closest one.

The first group in need of help was made of fifty diamond dogs and ponies, and they were being overwhelmed by a similar number of mercenary minotaurs. Havoc joined the fight, allowing the equestrians to retreat by holding the minotaurs off. Since they were too much for him to defeat without spending large amounts of magic, he resorted to cheap tricks such as creating copies of himself or making banana peels appear on the floor while reinforces arrived. Soon enough, a phalanx of crystal ponies charged against the minotaurs.

“We’ll handle this, go to the next blue signal,” a familiar voice came from the group of crystal ponies. Only after taking flight and arriving at the second source of fireworks did Havoc realize that it was Emerald Sword’s voice.

The second group was faring much worse than the first. Six teen dragons were fighting alonside the diamond dogs, and they were dealing a lot of damage. ‘Given my luck, these dragons will be the ones I lived with after leaving Granite Back.’ Havoc turned into his teen dragon from and engaged the largest one, quickly noting that he didn’t know any of them. Since he was just one teen dragon against six, he soon had to revert to his draconequus form and fight them with magic. Even though the dragons’ scales protected them from magic, they weren’t effective against indirect uses, such as tossing diamond dogs at them or making the air around them become thicker than honey.

For a full hour, Havoc continued to fight all over the place. After all that time surrounded by huge amounts of strife and violence, he reached the maximum amount of magic his body could handle. For him, it felt similar to finishing peeing after a long time, even though he had filled his body with magic instead of emptying his bladder. He continued fighting, releasing all the extra energy he gained after that point, until a deafening roar made most of the battlefield stop fighting for a second.

Havoc looked at the source and found the only dragon who hadn’t been dealt with yet, a humongous black male, with a large humanoid riding on the base of his neck. ‘That must be the diamond wolf. Let’s kill him. … That dragon is HUGE… I’m so not going to fight a freaking enormous black dragon and a super diamond dog at the same time without help.’

With that idea in mind, Havoc approached one of the Wonderbolts and told them to help him take down the last dragon. They quickly decided to have Havoc distract them while the Wonderbolts attacked, just like with the pink dragoness. Havoc created the giant copy of himself for a second time and made it fly towards the black dragon.

“Dragon,” his augmented voice boomed. “You don’t have to die here, fighting for some worthless diamond dogs. Give me your rider and we won’t have to fight.”

The dragon replied by roaring again and breathing fire on Havoc’s copy. The illusion was quickly destroyed by the flames, and the real Havoc teleported just behind the rider.

“Hey man, I gonna cut you up so bad, you gonna wish I hadn’t cut you up so bad!” Havoc threatened as the dragonrider turned to face him.

It became obvious for Havoc why they called his enemy the “diamond wolf”. Just like alpha diamond dogs were bigger, fiercer and stronger than the common breed, the diamond wolf looked like an alpha of alphas. He was around two and a half meters tall, and powerful muscles could be guessed under his white fur and the samurai armor he was wearing. The wolf looked at him, but something seemed wrong with his eyes. They showed no emotion as if he was sleeping with them open, until he blinked and they returned to normal. Then, too fast for Havoc to register the movement, the diamond wolf drew a human handgun and shot Havoc in the heart. Shocked, the draconequus couldn’t react as the wolf shot him twice in the skull, making his head burst like a ripe tomato.

‘What the actual fuck? Did he just shoot me? I can’t see shit. Actually, I can’t feel anything. Oh no, this is just like when I was turned into stone. … Shit, did he just kill me?! Am I dead?! Oh fuck he killed me and now I’m dead and…’

Havoc realized that he could still sense his own magic, violently swirling inside of him, almost too much for his body to handle. Scared, he tapped into it, wishing himself to heal. After a brief flash of pain, he found himself falling towards the distant ground.

“Well, at least now I know I can survive having my head blown. I guess I’ll have to… Thank him for teaching this to me.”

As he flew back to the dragon’s location, he noticed that the Wonderbolts were in danger, what with the violent dragon attacking them while the diamond wolf fired his handgun. Thanks to the vast amount of energy he had, he could make a machine gun appear on his hands and spray the dragon with bullets without worrying about depleting his reserves. The bullets could barely pierce the dragon’s scales, but it was painful enough to make him turn and attack Havoc. When he did, Havoc turned the machine gun into a rocket launcher. The rocket hit the dragon square on the chest, the explosion dazing him and giving the Wonderbolts an opening. The diamond wolf attempted to kill them with his gun, so Havoc did his best Darth Vader impersonation and yanked it out of his hand with magic. Since he had never learned how to properly use a gun, he hid it in his hammerspace and flew towards the dragon’s head. Turning into smoke, Havoc slipped through the dragon’s maw as he tried to bite him, and reformed atop his muzzle. Only then did he realize just how massive the black dragon was, as he could stand on him just like Fluttershy did with the red dragon she Stared down, and Havoc was much larger than Fluttershy. He also noticed that the dragon had several strips of paper stuck to his forehead with “狼付き” written on them. Neither Havoc nor Google Translate knew what that meant, but Havoc guessed the japanese text had something to do with the guy wearing a japanese samurai armor.

The dragon looked at him, but his eyes showed no spark of intelligence, as if he was just some dumb beast. Ducking as one of the dragon’s claws almost got him, Havoc approached the papers and tried to remove one. As soon as his fingers touched the paper, a powerful jolt of electricity hit him, forcing him to release the paper and instinctively suck his burned fingers. Trying to pull them off with magic was useless, since they also repelled it. He was about to try using his axe when the dragon caught him with his claws and promptly crushed him. Havoc turned his body into rubber to avoid having his bones turned into powder, and forced the claws open by making himself ten times stronger. As he returned to the dragon’s back, he made two long copper wire appear on his hands. Seeing that the diamond wolf was “zoned out” again, he quickly tied a wire to each of his hands and moved to the dragon’s forehead.

“What is this?” Havoc heard the diamond wolf ask with a surprisingly soft voice just as he made the other ends of the wires touch different strips of paper. As soon as he did, he heard the unmistakable sound of someone being electrocuted.

After a few seconds, the papers suddenly caught fire and burned into a crisp in the blink of an eye. Havoc connected the wires to two new strips, but nothing happened. The diamond wolf suddenly jumped from his saddle on the dragon’s neck base to his head, a katana ready in his hands. Havoc noted that, unlike the other diamond dogs he had encountered so far, the diamond wolf’s build was more similar to a human’s. Instead of having short legs and large arms to walk on all fours like gorillas, his body was shaped for walking on two legs at all times.

“So you are the draconequus who’s been fighting for Equestria,” the wolf said. “Havoc, right?”

“Yep, that’s me. I didn’t get your name, though.”

“I am Aio Kusanajin. Before we begin, I want to know why you are fighting us.”

“You are slavers, slavery is bad. Is it really that hard to grasp?”

“You don’t understand, just like ponies,” he complained, shaking his head. “Diamond dogs are slaves, too. Slaves to the dragons who force us to resort to any means to meet their demands of gemstones. The Dominion offers slavery to the griffons, and you offer slavery to Equestria. I will lead the diamond dogs to true freedom, uniting the clans and creating a nation. Only then will we be able to live in harmony. You can join me, or stand aside and don’t intervene. Try to stop me, though, and you will die.”

“I would consider joining you, but the only thing I have seen you do so far is turning this relatively non-violent conquest into a bloodbath for both siders. Also, you shot me in the head.”

“Then you leave me no choice.”

Aio moved faster than Havoc thought possible, and before he could move his weapon to cover behind it Aio had severed his two arms and disemboweled him. Havoc’s eyes glowed red and fired energy beams, forcing Aio to retreat. Then he did a thrust of his katana and, even though its tip was two meters away from Havoc, a stab wound appeared on his neck.

“Wow dude you aren’t messing around,” Havoc said as his wounds healed instantly. “How the hell did you do that?”

Aio sighed. “My weapon has an air manipulating effect that makes it cut my enemies even if I don’t touch them with Hakuryū no seieki. Please tell me you’re not immortal.”

“Bitch I might be,” Havoc replied as he readied his hammer.

“If you really thing you will defeat me with such a crude weapon you are just delusional.”

Suddenly, the dragon roared in pain and shook his head wildly. Havoc tripped and fell, while Aio remained atop the dragon, never losing his balance. As he flew back up, Havoc noticed that one of the Wonderbolts had managed to wound the dragon’s side, leaving a large bleeding gash. Havoc teleported just behind Aio, who had returned to his place on the dragon’s back, and tried to crush his head with a blow of his hammer, but the diamond wolf once again reacted almost instantly and dodged the attack, cutting Havoc’s right hand in the process.

“Would you cut it with the cutting?”

“I gonna cut you up so bad, you gonna wish I hadn’t cut you up so bad, Havoc.”

“Very funny, I think I’m going to maim you now,” Havoc said as he tried to use his magic to tear off Aio’s limbs. However, the samurai armor protected him from Havoc’s spells better than dragonscales would. “OH COME ON! Is anti-magic the new fashion or what?!”

“Only a fool would face an army of unicorns without protection against magic.”

Growling, Havoc tried to hit Aio with the hammer, but the wolf could easily dodge him. However, this time Havoc grew an extra set of arms that grabbed Aio’s wrists just as he was about to stab him. “I suggest you to surrender. Ponies and diamond dogs are dying under us with each passing second.”

“To die in combat is the greatest honour. The most terrible thing is to live as a coward.”

Havoc shrugged and retrieved Aio’s handgun from hammerspace, then emptied the cartridge on his belly. The first four bullets glanced off the armor, but the fifth one generated a powerful explosion that separated them. When Aio tried to attack again, Havoc teleported to the dragon’s head and hit one of the papers with his axe. The magic-nullifying properties of the weapon made the paper fall from the dragon’s forehead and be carried away by the wind. Curious, Havoc decided to do the same with the remaining strips. By the time Aio reached him, there was only one strip of paper left.

“Don’t!” Aio warned as Havoc got rid of it. As soon as he did, the dragon shook his head and blinked.

“I am free!” he bellowed with a powerful voice. “Aio Kusanajin, you no longer control my actions! Prepare to die!”

Moving faster than any being of his size should, the dragon did several barrel rolls, throwing both Havoc and Aio off his body and injuring a nearby pegasus with one of his wings. Aio fell for several seconds, but managed to land on the ground without injuring himself.

“Dragon!” Havoc shouted as he floated just in front of him. “We also want Aio dead! We can work together!”

“You are the creature that broke his magic,” said the dragon as he stopped flailing around. “Very well, I’ll work with you. For now.”

“Good. I’m fighting for Equestria, so cause as much damage to the other army as you can while I deal with Aio.”

“I’ll help the ponies, but I have one condition: I’ll be the one who kills Aio. Bring him to me after you defeat him.”

“We have a deal, then. I’ll tell my side that you’re not our enemy.”

Since the pegasi had heard their exchange, they stopped trying to injure the dragon and returned to their landing zone while Havoc teleported to Shining Armor’s location.

“What is it, Havoc?” he asked when the draconequus appeared in front of him.

“The black dragon was being mind-controlled by the diamond wolf. He has agreed to fight for us today, so don’t attack him. Now I’m going to give the diamond wolf the beating of his life, bye.”

Shining blinked in confusion for a moment, then gave the necessary orders to ensure nopony or diamond dog would engage the black dragon.

As Havoc flew back to the place Aio had landed on, he asked himself a very important question. Now, how am I supposed to find him among the thousands of diamond dogs out there?

A vertical beam of red light wider than a building answered his question. The beam became thinner while Havoc approached it. By the time he was close enough to touch it, the beam had collapsed into a sphere the size of a pony that was linked to a ruby the size of a pony head held by Aio.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Havoc asked as he readied his axe.

“You leave my no choice but to use my secret weapon: Carbuncle, the eidolon of void!”

“The what now?”

The sphere of red light exploded, leaving behind a creature with green hair and a large ruby embedded to its forehead. The creature, no larger than a pony and vaguely similar to a bunny, stared at Aio.

“Just when I thought you couldn’t be more weeaboo, you summon this little shit,” Havoc said, laughing.

“Carbuncle, that draconequus is a threat to all the diamond dogs in the world. We need your strength.”

“What’s it going to do? Bite my ankles a-” Havoc’s phrase was cut short as a red beam of magic surged from Carbuncle’s ruby, obliterating his legs, tail and part of his torso.

“Oh.”

Author's Note

I didn't feel like writing 50k words about the Gem Fido war, with Havoc's relationship with Screwball and Griffon developing along with the war. It would have taken too long.

28: Apply Cold Water To Burned Area

Havoc teleported away from Carbuncle to regrow the body parts the eidolon had blown off, but Carbuncle teleported right after him and blasted him again. This time, Havoc managed to protect himself with his axe. Aio attacked him from behind, his sword somehow managing to cut Havoc’s wings without touching them.

“Fucking furries I’m going to fucking kill you and rape your corpses!” Havoc shouted as he used roughly half of his magic reserves to summon Gandalf the Grey, and Gandalf the White, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, and Benito Mussolini, and the Blue Meanie, and Cowboy Curtis, and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan. All of them rushed towards Carbuncle to kick her furry ass, allowing Havoc to focus on Aio.

In order to match Aio’s skill and speed, Havoc magically enhanced his body until he could move and react ten times faster than usual. Even then, Aio’s reflexes were still faster than him, so Havoc combined his physical attacks with fireballs and energy beams that aimed at Aio’s blind spots whenever possible. At first Havoc made his skin as hard as dragon scales, but Aio’s katana could cut through it effortlessly; and his dragonbone hammer would have met the same fate the previous one had when fighting Griffon if it weren’t for Havoc’s magic making it stronger. The fighting continued like that for several minutes, with Havoc’s magic quickly depleting and Aio slowly tiring himself. The diamond dogs that surrounded them didn’t dare to intervene, since the few ones who did were quickly killed by Havoc’s magic. Meanwhile, Carbuncle fought against the heterogeneous bunch of humans summoned by Havoc. Luckily for the eidolon, the ones such as Superman weren’t nearly as powerful as they should be. Eventually, Aio’s speed increased way beyond what should be natural, allowing him to cut several of Havoc’s tendons. This left him vulnerable to Aio’s next attack.

“Dìjiǎn fēng zhē” he said as he jumped high and, putting his feet on his katana’s hilt, used his full weight to impale Havoc from the base of his neck all the way down to his intestines. As soon as the Hakuryū no seieki’s guard touched Havoc’s body, it’s air manipulating powers shredded Havoc’s insides, turning them into a bloody pulp barely contained by his skin.

When Aio tried to recover his weapon, Havoc began spinning at great speeds, forcing Aio to abandon it. Then Havoc pulled it out and put it in his pocket dimension, away from Aio’s reach.

“Now I’m going to have some fun with you,” Havoc threatened, aware of his critically low magical reserves after healing the massive damage caused by Aio’s last attack.

Aio quickly pulled a foldable short japanese sword from his armor and tried to continue fighting with it. However, that weapon wasn’t made of a magic-resistant material, so Havoc used his magic to make it try to impale Aio. The diamond wolf struggled against his own weapon, but Havoc’s power slowly brought it closer to his right eye. When the tip was a few centimeters away from Aio’s eye, Havoc felt his magic be cancelled instantly as Carbuncle put herself between him and Aio. After a quick check he learned that all of the fakes he had created had been killed, either by Carbuncle or by the diamond dogs. Carbuncle’s ruby began to glow with great power, so much that Havoc could feel his hair standing on end and the air vibrating. Soon, a red spherical barrier began to envelop him, which bounced all of his spells back at him. Before he could find a way out, the magical barrier closed around him, leaving him trapped.

Cloudy Sunset flew as fast as her wings would take her. She had seen the green creature that came from the pillar of light trap Havoc in a magical sphere, and he had yet to come out. She had to report this development before it was too late.

Emerald Sword was exhausted. He had been fighting for two hours against the endless diamond dogs. He had abused his natural magic so much that he could hear his joints creaking like crystal whenever he moved. Tales of crystal ponies using their emotions-based magic so much that they turned into living statues, condemned to an eternity of darkness unless somepony else took a pickaxe and ended them; weren’t unheard of. He was ready to sacrifice his life if it was necessary, but he wasn’t planning to do so anytime soon.

Screwball, invisible to everyone in the area, grinned when the barrier closed around Havoc, knowing well what was going to happen in a couple of minutes.

The blade of a black axe broke through the barrier. Blow after blow, Havoc’s axe broke through the powerful barrier, its magic-cancelling properties allowing the draconequus to escape the otherwise unbreakable prison. Pure chaos magic poured from the opening Havoc was making, turning the dead diamond dogs it touched into undead abominations that attacked everything in reach, including each other. When the opening was big enough, Havoc himself levitated out of the sphere, his body crackling with barely restrained energy.

“Impossible! Carbuncle’s Ruby Light can’t be overpowered by the likes of you! Not even Celestia could have escaped it!” Aio shouted, bewildered. “What have you done to become stronger while inside of it?”

“Months ago, I figured that chaos magic feeds on itself and creates more than it consumes, breaking the law of conservation of energy. However, chaos magic tends to spread all over the place, so it never becomes concentrated enough to react with itself and begin to generate more of it on its own. I tried many times to make it so my own magic would feed itself and grow, but I can’t do it on my own. A chaos domain almost does the trick, but it doesn’t generate much due to how much energy it spends on growing or fighting against the boundaries that halt its growth, so it takes days to charge me up. My body constantly feeds on and releases magic, so I can’t generate energy on my own. Your barrier did just what I needed: containing my chaos magic in a sealed place that makes it bounce back like a perfect mirror. I only had to throw all of my magic to your barrier and wait as it bounced and grew until I could fill myself with it. After that I used my magic-destroying axe to slice through your barrier and that’s pretty much it. Your Carbuncle really fucked up by using her barrier thing on me of all people.”

“Carbuncle! You are still stronger than him! Kill him!”

Carbuncle fired more energy beams at Havoc, but he cleaved through them as he approached the eidolon. She tried to fly away, but Havoc made his plant arm grow to twice its normal length to grab her by the ears. Then, grabbing her head with one hand and her body with the other, he decapitated her with a sharp pull. Carbuncle’s corpse laid still for half a second on his hands before vanishing into nothingness.

“Now, let’s see how well you do without your weapons,” Havoc said as he yanked Aio’s short blade from his hands with a magical pull and encased it inside a stone as large as he was.

Aio proved to be a master hand-to-hand fighter, his abilities on par with his swordsmanship, and he managed to land several devastating blows on Havoc, who once again had to use his magic to match him. Unfortunately for Aio, his bare hands could only do so much damage, and even pulling Havoc’s eyes out of their sockets and breaking his bones only forced him to waste a small amount of his once again vast magic reserves to heal. Eventually, Havoc managed to land a lucky blow on Aio’s left leg with his hammer, breaking it. As soon as Aio fell to the ground, snarling in pain, Havoc repeatedly hit his helmet with the hammer until he was certain that he had knocked him out.

Several of the diamond dogs that circled them attacked him, trying to save their leader, but a wall of spinning scythes kept them at bay as Havoc grabbed Aio’s unconscious body and flew towards his army’s side. A few teen dragons flew up and tried to free Aio, much like the diamond dogs did, but Havoc created winds powerful enough to keep them away from him. A large shadow covering him was the only warning before the black dragon forced him to stop by flying just in front of him.

“Where do you think you are going with my reward?” he asked.

“Oh, you want him now? I thought I would keep him safe in a place he couldn’t escape from until the battle was over.”

“I will have him now and leave.”

Havoc threw Aio at the dragon, who grabbed him with his enormous claws and shook him until he woke up.

“Now you will learn what happens when you upset me,” he told the diamond wolf as he put him inside his mouth.

Havoc expected the dragon to either chew Aio to death or swallow him whole, but instead he kept his victim inside his mouth.

“...What are you doing to him?” Havoc asked as the dragon turned to leave.

The black dragon spat Aio back to his claw to reply. “I am keeping him in my mouth, which I keep just hot enough for him to feel pain with my fire, but not enough to kill him. The last idiotic pony who tried to steal from my hoard took two days to die. I expect to squeeze a full week of fun from this one.” Smirking, the dragon forced a now screaming Aio back into his mouth.

“I just had to ask, didn’t I? Well, have fun, uh… What was your name again?”

The dragon just turned away from Havoc and left, not bothering to reply. For a moment, Havoc considered beating the shit out of the dragon, saving Aio from a terribly long and painful death, and making him face pony justice. Then he remembered that Aio was also a god’s piece, so they were meant to kill each other anyways. With that idea in mind, he let the dragon leave and flew towards a blue signal near his position.

With their leader gone, the diamond dogs quickly lost their morale and began to disband and flee for their lives, so in less than an hour the battle was over. While Drogur and Attila ensured that the city was properly taken and dealt with the few dogs that were still fighting, Shining was busy managing their own soldiers and the enormous amount of prisoners they had seized. Soon enough, Havoc was called to report to Shining Armor, who asked him about Aio’s fate.

“Alright, Havoc. Let me get this straight,” Shining Armor said after Havoc finishing relating his fight against Aio. “The diamond wolf, whose name was Aio Kusasomething, was mind controlling the black dragon. You released the dragon’s mind and decided on your own to strike a deal with him. Then, when you defeated Aio and the creature he summoned, you gave Aio to the dragon so he could kill him in a gruesome way.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

“So you just ignored my orders of taking him alive unless it was impossible.”

“If I had brought Aio here, the black dragon would have attacked us to get him. Black dragons are just so hard to kill I thought it better to just let him have things go his way.”

“No. This is not how we do things in Equestria. We don’t sacrifice people to make things easier. Go after that dragon and recover Aio so we can bring him to justice properly. Can you do it on your own, or do you need some Wonderbolts to assist you?”

“Well the Wonderbolts would help a lot. Black scales are simply too resistant to magic.”

“Don’t you still have that Aio’s sword? The one that manipulates air and is almost the same as Griffon’s, who is famous for killing dragons with his sword?”

“I guess I could test it on that black dragon…”

“Do it, I’m not going to risk anypony’s life to correct your mistakes.”

Groaning, Havoc spread his wings and flew in the direction the dragon had taken, hoping to catch him up. ‘I sure hope he hasn’t taken any turns, and that I am actually chasing him and not flying in the wrong direction… How angry would Shining Armor get if I return a few hours later claiming that I found the dragon and he had killed Aio already, or that I simply couldn’t find them?’

With each passing minute, Havoc was more and more eager to simply give up and lie to Shining Armor. Just when he was about to turn back, he saw a black speck in the sky right in front of him. ‘Ugh… Alright, here we go.’ Teleporting right in front of the dragon made only a small dent on Havoc’s magic.

“You again?!” he asked after he placed Aio between his teeth and cheeks to speak freely. “What do you want now?”

“I have come for Aio. Apparently the ponies I fight for want to have him face a trial for war crimes or whatever instead of having him die in your mouth.”

“Hah! You think you can beat me? You won’t be the first draconequus I kill.”

“Are you serious?”

“I am three thousand years old, boy. A pony lifespan is a blink for me. Your kind is powerful, but only Discord is powerful enough to kill me. My scales will make your magic only tickle me, and I know for a fact that none of you can use your magic like the Wonderbolt pegasi to cut my scales. You are welcome to try, but you are just going to die following a pony’s orders.”

“There is one thing you forgot to take into account. I have Aio’s sword that can easily cut your scales. Last time I checked dragon flesh wasn’t as resistant to magic as scales.”

Grumbling, the dragon slowed the beating of his wings until he landed on the ground a hundred meters below. “I hoped that bloody weapon had been broken or lost in the fight. Very well, take me to your leaders. Since Aio is my prisoner now, I will negotiate with them for his release.”

“... What?”

“You thought I was going to just try to kill you, even though you have a weapon that can cut my scales and let you unleash the full power of your magic on me? I’m not like those hot-headed dragons who aren’t even five hundred years old yet, I know how to pick my fights. My only chance is that you are very weakened after your fight with Aio and his eidolon, but I’m not betting on it.”

“Wow, I honestly thought you would just roar and try to spit roast me... Uh... Alright, let’s return to the battlefield and you can strike a deal with Prince Shining Armor. Can you… Take Aio out of your mouth for the moment?”

“No. You can’t take him away from me while he is in my mouth, protected from your teleportation magic by my scales. If you try something, it’ll take me a fraction of a second to close my teeth around his neck and kill him. And since I will have to let him go soon, I’ll make the most out of my remaining time with him.”

With that said, the black dragon took flight again and smoke began to seep between his teeth as he increased the temperature inside of his mouth. As they flew back, Havoc tried to ignore Aio’s screams and the stench of burning hair as best as he could.

“So he just told you to bring him here so he could negotiate?” Screwball asked.

“Eeyup,” Havoc answered. “I really wanted to try this katana, though. I guess I’ll have to wait.”

After returning to the camp and explaining to Shining why the big and deadly dragon was accompanying him, Havoc had been allowed to rest in his tent. As usual, Screwball was waiting for him and they talked about the latest events.

“You could have helped me against that Carbuncle thing that I could swear is also a creature you can summon in Final Fantasy games.”

“Well, given that there is a TV show in your world that is based on what happens to the Elements of Harmony, it’s not that surprising that there are some more coincidences.”

“Yeah… So do you have any idea what Carbuncle was? Aio called her an eidolon, whatever that means here.”

“I had no idea either, until I asked daddy and he explained them to me. Eidolons are the spirit of beings who gave their lives for a heroic cause. Since he’s not a god of death, he doesn’t know exactly what happens after that, but only a minority of these spirits actually turn into eidolons. When they do, the god who turned them into eidolon or adopted them or whatever creates a temple that the summoner must go through to have a chance to make a pact with the eidolon. Then, the summoner can, well, summon them with his magic. Carbuncle is one of the weakest eidolons, and daddy had something to do with her death but he didn’t go into details.”

“So anyone with enough magic can solve some puzzles and summon these powerful fuckers?”

“Yeah, but everypony sort of forgot about them. The last thousand years have been very peaceful, and Celestia probably worked to erase any knowledge about them from history books and stuff. Dude, Sunbutt sure loves rewriting history.”

“So… Do you know of any temple I could solve to get myself an awesome eidolon to fight by my side?”

“Stick to chaos magic, Havoc. Summoning is a very complex magical art that requires years of training and study.”

“Ugh, alright. It’s just that I always do the same things. Use chaos magic for both crazy stuff and actual attacks, wield the hammer for physical combat and use the axe to destroy enemy magic.”

“Well now you have Aio’s gun and katana, maybe you can use those to keep things from getting boring.”

“I guess you’re right. Now, there is something else I want to say... Screwball, I have been thinking…”

“Wow! I’m so proud of you! I was almost certain you had a hamster on a spinning wheel inside your cranium!”

The joke was so bad that Havoc’s couldn’t help but laugh. “Alright, so… This is pretty much the end of the war. There will probably be a huge party a few days later when the situation becomes more stable, but I thought we could do something special to celebrate. Just the two of us.”

“W-what do you have in mind, e-exactly?” she asked, blushing under her coat.

Havoc reached under his bed and produced a bottle of red wine. “I convinced Shining Armor to give this to me, since I don’t even get paid. A fine wine from Canterlot’s cellars, better than anything you and I can create with magic.”

“So we are going to drink wine here, alone in your tent? Why, Havoc, a filly might think you are asking her on a romantic date!”

“Maybe I am,” he replied, making two chairs and a table with luxurious tablecloth, candles and chinaware appear.

“Are you really doing this? Are you trying to take our friendship to a whole new level?”

“I am. I’ll understand if you don’t want to. I have my fedora ready so I can safely venture into the friendzone.”

“Keep your neckbeard and fedora away, we are on a date now,” she replied, her propeller beanie morphing into a dress. “Did you get something to eat or are the dishes just for decoration?”

“Turns out that finding tasty food here is impossible,” he replied as he made a shirt and pants appear on him. “Wow it feels so weird to wear clothes after so many months. The dishes aren’t for decoration, though.”

Focusing, Havoc created food out of thin air: a risotto with mushrooms as their first plate, and a pumpkin lasagna as second. “I learned how to cook these two back in Trottingham. I also learned that learning how to cook something makes me able to make an almost exact copy with magic.”

“You are more resourceful than I gave you credit for. I would have sworn that all you can make with your magic is laser beams and dildos.”

“Says the chaos pony who attacked me with a tsunami of milk produced by her enlarged teats.”

Smiling at the “compliment”, Screwball took a bite out of her risotto. “Hey, this is good!”

“Well thank you for the show of confidence in my skills.”

“No, seriously. This tastes great for being something made with chaos magic. I was expecting it to taste like chocolate or meat or a combination of both.”

By the time they were done talking about the difficulties of making “normal” food with their chaos magic, they were eating the lasagna and drinking their second glass of wine.

“Screwball, you never told me how you got your cutie mark. Is there some tragic story or traumatic event involved?”

“Not at all. I have a beautiful and meaningful story about how I got my cutie mark and what my special talent is just like anypony else. You see, it all happened back when I still lived in the orphanage and my search for ways to acquire unicorn magic had yet to lead me to Discord’s book. I was a very energetic filly, so searching through old books bored me very quickly. To make things worse, the orphanage was a really boring place, with nothing fun to do. Because of this, most of us orphans liked to go out to the city and return only when it was time to have dinner. One of my favorite games was baseball. I played with a group of non-unicorns, since it was no fun to play with ponies who could levitate their gloves around to catch balls that nopony else could reach.”

“I think I see where this is going.”

“Shut up and let me finish. I was the best pitcher, so I usually took it easy so the game wasn’t so boring. Until one day a bunch of unicorns older than us demanded us to leave the field so they could play. You know how much I hate snotty unicorns, so you can guess how angry I got. I dared them to pick the best of them and have him try to hit the balls I throwed. If he or she could hit one ball out of three, we would leave the field.”

”So he-”

“Shhhh! They agreed, but their leader said he could hit two out of five. Now, I know you know jackshit about baseball, so I’ll just say that I tricked him and he missed five times in a row. When they left and we were about to resume our game, one of my teammates noticed that I had earned my cutie mark. And that’s how I learned that my special talent is being a baseball pitcher.”

“I honestly thought your special talent was being a chaos pony. Like, being a screwball. It never occurred to me your talent would be related to the baseball pitch named screwball. Oh, that’s a thing I still don’t get about ponies. How come your names fit your cutie marks most of the time?”

“Because cutie marks were created by Faust to keep us under control. Or because my father was a baseball coach and cutie marks are hereditary to some extent. Like those Apple hicks.”

When they finished eating the lasagna and the wine bottle was empty, Screwball was laughing at everything and acting sillier than usual, and the sun was setting.

“Screwball, stahp. You are drunk.”

“Hehehe, am I? *Hic*”

“You sure are a lightweight.”

“Well excuuuuuuse me, but if you had to count the times I have had alcohol with your fingers, you would have plenty enough of them.”

“Do you still have room for dess-” Havoc’s ears perked up as he looked at his tent’s entrance. “Somepony’s coming!” he warned her, alerted by the magic field he always placed when he was with Screwball to keep her existence in secret.

Screwball became invisible just as Shining Armor walked into the tent. “Oh Celestia why couldn’t you just kill that dragon? … Are you having a fancy dinner alone?”

“Actually, I was waiting for you,” Havoc said as he turned into a perfect copy of Cadance, voice and all. “It’s been so long, my love. Come and take me like the stallion you are. No homo.”

“Now is not the time for your nonsense.”

“Maybe you like this one better?” he said as he turned into Chrysalis. “I can only give birth to a new generation of changelings after being impregnated by a worthy stallion.”

“Do you really find this amusing, or are you just trying to make me mad?”

Turning into Flash Sentry, he lifted his tail and showed Shining Armor his privates. “Captain, follow me to the gay bathhouse.”

“No.”

“Oh, I know!” he exclaimed as he turned into Twilight Sparkle and jumped into his bed. “B-big brother, w-what are we going to do on the bed?”

“Havoc, I swear on Celestia’s name,” Shining began, his jaw tense and his horn glowing with magic. “If you turn into anypony else - be it my mother, a princess, a Wonderbolt, or my personal maid - and ask me to have sex with you, I will end you.”

“Yes, prince Shining Armor,” Havoc surrendered as he returned to his normal form, minus clothes. “What did the dragon ask for?”

“He wanted Aio’s weight in diamonds, and he just wouldn’t take him out of his mouth. Do you know how hard it is to focus while somepony is screaming and being slowly burned to death just in front of you?”

“Trust me, I know. So why are you here? Are you going to reprimand me or is it something else?”

“No, I’m not going to waste my time yelling at you. I would rather yell at a brick wall. The wall is more likely to listen. I came here because we convinced the dragon, Abaddon, to spit Aio and let us handle him. Just before releasing him, he breathed a large amount of fire, so now Aio is terribly burned and only our best healers’ combined efforts and his toughness are keeping him alive.”

“So what do I have to do with all of that?”

“A few minutes ago he woke up and has been thrashing around and muttering that he needs his sword. The doctors fear he will die if they sedate him, so I want you to go there and return his weapons. Maybe then he will calm down and allow us to save his sorry hide.”

“Everything would be so much easier if you had let the dragon kill him.”

“I told you already, that’s not how we do things. Go to the field hospital, give him his weapons and make sure he doesn’t kill himself with them.”

After teleporting to the hospital’s entrance, Havoc only had to follow the angry curses towards the place where half a dozen of ponies wearing white coats were trying to apply some sort of ointment on Aio. He was no longer wearing his samurai armor, which was laying on the floor next to him, and most of his fur had been burned away. His skin was horribly charred, most of it covered in second or third degree burns. Some of the fingers on his left hand were completely black, and would have to be amputated unless pony magic could repair them.

“Aio, Aio, Aio. Didn’t your mum tell you not to play with fire?”

“You,” Aio coldly muttered as he stopped struggling. “My katana.”

“Can I keep it, pretty please?”

“Give it… Now…”

“Alright,” he said as he retrieved it from hammerspace and held it just out of Aio’s reach.

Injured as he was, Aio managed to slowly sit up so he could grab it. When his fingers were a few millimeters away from it, Havoc gave him a quick magical push that made him lay on the bed again. “Oops!”

“Kutabare…”

“Moshi moshi baka-desu sugoi sugoi kawaii.”

One of the doctors frowned and “You know our medical equipment tends to malfunction when you are around, and right now we are overwhelmed with all the injured from the battle. Give him what he wants and make it quick.”

Sighing, Havoc placed it on Aio’s trembling right hand. “Don’t try anything funny or I’ll take your toy away.”

“The gun.”

“Oh for the love of-! I really wish I had killed you when I had the chance,” Havoc added as he also returned the handgun to Aio.

The diamond wolf briefly checked his recovered weapons and then carefully placed them near his armor, allowing the ponies to treat him.

“Alright, now that he isn’t trying to get himself killed you have to leave,” the doctor commanded.

“Right, if he tries something just give me a call and I’ll handle it,” Havoc replied as he walked away, not wanting a repeat of the first time he teleported out of the hospital and a pony died because the chaos magic released overcharged a defibrillator so much that the poor guy exploded in a shower of gore and blood.

Havoc forced himself to stop thinking about it as he teleported back to his tent, only to find Screwball visible again, laying on his bed and wearing pajamas. “Poor boy. Shining took your new toys away,” she cooed.

“Well, at least I won’t look like a freaking weeaboo while fighting. I mean, a katana?! That ain’t me.”

“That is totally you, you wapanese furfag.”

“... Alright you got me, I would have loved to keep that awesome katana that makes the air itself cut stuff.”

“With a bit of luck you’ll have another chance to kill him and get his stuff. Now come to bed, I’m sure you are exhausted after such a long day.”

Yawning, Havoc lazily went into his bed and spooned Screwball. “Tomorrow we’ll dress up as Japanese people. You can be the samurai and I’ll be the geisha.”

Laughing, Screwball turned to face him and gave him a quick peck on the lips. “You’ll have to wait a few days before going to first base. Baseball pun totally intended.”

“But I want the horse pussy now!” he whined.

After a cat-horse hybrid summoned by Screwball attacked Havoc, they resumed the spoon position.

“Havoc,” she said after a few minutes. “Your tree arm is a terrible pillow.”

And that’s how Havoc began to sleep with pillows covering his wooden limb.

Author's Note

29: More and More Players

Once again, Havoc was in a meeting with Drogur, Shining Armor and Attila. They were sitting around a table in Black Diamond, in a room where the previous Alpha used to held his own meetings. Said Alpha was there, too, since they had found him as a prisoner in one of his own cells. From what Havoc had gathered, when Aio had “revealed” himself as the Diamond Wolf, Alpha of Alphas; Black Diamond’s Alpha had called him a liar and ordered him imprisoned. The Alpha, Wartooth, was then betrayed by his own Beta, who knocked him out and surrendered Black Diamond to Aio. He had spent the last three months in a cell, refusing to follow Aio’s orders.

However, that did not mean that Wartooth was their ally. Before Aio got involved in the war, Wartooth had been their most dangerous enemy. Old and vicious, he considered diamond dogs a superior race destined to lead all others, so Drogur’s alliance with ponies was an abomination for him.

“Everything would be easier if you were found dead in your bed,” Drogur taunted Wartooth.

“Then you would face a civil war, just like the griffons,” Wartooth replied. “You are from the South. You barely know what dragon raids and cold winters are. North dogs know me, and they will follow me.”

“They seemed keen on following the false wolf instead of you, though,” Attila intervened.

Growling, Wartooth got up and bared his teeth. Attila instinctively leaned away, momentarily intimidated. Wartooth, despite his age, was among the largest and strongest living diamond dogs, after all. “You won’t be an Alpha for long. Only the strong last in this position.”

Shining Armor tapped the table with his hoof twice, prompting Havoc to forcefully sit Wartooth back on his chair with magic. “I would expect this kind of behaviour in a gathering of angry farmers, not here among the leaders of a nation! The war is over, and now we must rebuild and establish fair rules and laws.”

“Drogur, you know your kind will be more willing to follow laws created with Wartooth’s help; since he supported their previous lifestyle until the very end. Wartooth, if you won't yield on anything we will never make progress. You say power makes might, but it’s us ponies who are the most powerful right now. You would do well to remember that.”

Havoc zoned out for the rest of the meeting. He had lost count of how many meetings he had suffered since they conquered Black Diamond two weeks ago. He was considering suicide when Shining Armor finally decided to call a short break. Just as he was about to teleport away, Shining told him to accompany him to a different room.

“When we conquered Black Diamond, I said to myself ‘well, the war is basically over, now comes the easy part, right’,” Shining explained when they were alone. “Turns now that was the easy part and now comes the hard and long-”

Havoc smirked at those words, making Shining frown. “Now comes the difficult part in which we must rebuild and rule, ensuring that we create a nation where both ponies and diamond dogs can live and prosper without suffering discrimination or slavery.” Shining Armor seemed older as he said those words, as if the amount of work and effort that awaited him made him age.

“But that doesn’t really concern you,” Shining continued. “You came to help us win the war with your magic, and now that the war is over you have no reason to remain here. A group will depart for Canterlot with the sunset. The group is made of those we took as prisoners who will be judged by their crimes, including Aio. A company of the Royal Guard will travel with them, but I want you to be there, too, just in case.
After the prisoners are safely confined in Canterlot’s dungeons, you’ll go to the castle. Princess Celestia has stated that she wants to meet you and reward you for your efforts.”

“Oh yeah! No more of those abhorrent meetings with you, Drogur and the other two!”

“Indeed, and I won’t have to deal with your silliness. It’s a win-win situation.”

“Well then, I’ll go back to my room and pack my stuff.”

Before Shining could add anything else, Havoc teleported to the room in the underground section of Black Diamond that they had assigned him. Yet, once he appeared there, he realized he didn’t really have stuff to pack. “Huh.”

“How was the meeting?” Screwball asked as she appeared on Havoc’s right shoulder.

“Shining ordered me to escort the prisoners as they are taken to Canterlot. I was going to pack but there’s nothing here I really care about.”

Before Havoc could finish the sentence, Screwball was inside a pet carrier, looking at him with sparkling eyes. “I… I thought you had noticed me, Havoc-senpai. Uguu~.”

“That’s right! How could I forget my precious Screwball-chan!” Havoc replied while locking her pet carrier with his own magic and picking it.

“Niggawatt,” she said just as he rushed out, wildly flailing the carrier with her inside as he did so. “Let me out you son of a bitch before anypony sees me!”

After a few more seconds, Havoc returned to his room and released Screwball. She crossed her forelegs and pouted. “You know nopony can know I exist.”

“You really should demand Discord to stop beating around the bush and tell Celestia about you.”

Those words sparked an argument between both, which soon devolved into a boxing match that lasted several hours. Only when Screwball punched Havoc so hard that he lost all of his teeth did they stop. When they realized how badly had they messed up each other’s face, they laughed so hard that they barely managed to heal themselves.

“Wow, we boxed the day out,” Havoc realized. “Now we have to hurry or the caravan will leave without us.”

“You really need to improve your right jab.”

Ignoring Screwball’s advice, Havoc became intangible and moved straight to the caravan’s location, phasing through walls and solid ground alike as if they weren’t there. The captain in charge of the Royal Guard company, a grey unicorn of few words, approached him as soon as he returned to “normal”.

“We were expecting you. We are going to travel south for a week to a meeting point with low levels of dragon activity. There, a zeppelin will be waiting for us and travel straight to Canterlot. My twenty soldiers will deal with any foe they can manage so you won’t tire yourself, since we’ll rely on you against dragon-sized threats. We have three wagons. The first one holds Aio, we keep him apart because he killed another prisoner with his feet as soon as we put them together, the remaining seven prisoners are on the second wagon, the third has our luggage. If you need anything you will come to me directly. Understood?”

“Yes, captain. Before we leave… What happened with Aio’s weapons?”

“They are on the third wagon, too, safely locked in a magic-sealed chest… I think it is an unnecessary risk, but orders are orders. Now that you are here, we can leave.”

In a few minutes they were leaving the city. Havoc had seen very little of it, preferring to spend the time fooling around with Screwball in his room; so he regretted abandoning it without having explored properly.

When they stopped to sleep for the first time, after fifteen hours without barely any moment to rest or eat, Havoc realized that nopony hadn’t taken into account the most immediate threat to the caravan: his own boredom. The guards and prisoners alike didn’t like to talk to him, and the captain had forbidden him from playing pranks or doing anything that could slow them down. To make things worse, Screwball couldn’t become visible or speak to him without revealing her presence, so she could only tickle or punch him at random times to keep extreme dullness at bay.

“Hey, captain. Why don’t we just teleport all the way to the meeting point?” he asked the next morning. “Between the thirty or so unicorns in the company and me we have enough power to do that.”

“We can’t do that as long as we are transporting Khal’dun the Antimage.”

“Who?”

“One of the mercenaries in the second wagon, the one with the blue fur. He is to be sent to Tartarus as soon as we get to Canterlot for the murder of a dozen ponies. He is magically inert, so any spell that touches him is destroyed, including teleportation.”

A quick peek was enough for Havoc to identify Khal’dun, an uncommon creature whose species he had seen before in the show. Khal’dun was almost identical to Azuihotl, with a hand at the end of his tail and all, but his fur was a lighter shade of blue and he wore no clothes.

“So was he born like that or…”

“He probably found an ancient relic that did that to him, his kind lives deep in the dark jungles, where temples built thousands of years ago hold such artifacts; but he will tell you that he was chosen by some god, who blessed him with that power.”

“Huh, do the others have unusual powers, too? I would like to know in case I have to fight them.”

“They all have fought in countless battles and survived them all, but other than that they aren’t special. Oh, and then there’s the zebra,” he added, pointing at a male zebra wearing a straitjacket and an iron mask that didn’t let him see nor speak. “I would have placed him on a different wagon, too. He can do… things to a pony’s mind.”

Since that had been the longest conversation Havoc had maintained with the captain so far, he decided not to press his luck and stop bothering him. To stave off the boredom, he spent the rest of the day painting dragons having sex and giant rabbits eating ponies. Most of the guards frowned when he showed them his pieces of art, but the prisoners on the second wagon complimented him.

“Why would you use rabbits, though?” a large griffon with scars all over his body asked. “Ponies eating ponies would have been much better.”

“Or ponies eating diamond dogs,” Khal’dun added. “Because that’s pretty much what they have done.”

“You two are fun, I’m honestly considering helping you escape,” Havoc replied.

“Yeah, right,” a massive green minotaur snorted. “Like you could stop licking pony ass even if you wanted to.”

“Ooooooooh! You gonna let him get away with that?!” the others teased.

“Meh, if I had to confront all the people with all bark and no bite I would spend my days beating weaklings.”

“I am the one chained for your safety, so it seems to be that you are the one who is all talk.”

“Oh, please! You got captured by a couple of pastel-colored ponies while I defeated adult dragons and the guy who is so dangerous that we are carrying him in a separate wagon so he doesn’t have you for dinner.”

“Well, at least I was defeated by a score of veteran soldiers, not by a bunch of police officers without any sort of combat experience, unlike someone I know.”

Havoc raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

“I heard that you were forced to flee from Fillydelphia to save your life because the local force overwhelmed you.”

Havoc grabbed the iron bars that made the walls of the wagon and, magically enhancing his muscles, bent them so he could poke his head through them and put his face less than an inch away from the minotaur’s. “Where did you hear that?”

The minotaur smiled in defiance as he held Havoc’s stare and refused to answer. Havoc’s orange irises began to glow powerfully, smoke billowing out of them as he reached for his power. He was about to blast the minotaur’s head off when a powerful magic pulled him away from the wagon.

“What do you think you are doing?!” the angry captain of the company demanded, as all of his soldiers formed a circle around Havoc.

“Who is this minotaur?” Havoc hissed.

“His name is Fugde Silver Hoof,” the captain warily answered.

“Fudge?”

“No, Fugde. Now step away from the wagon. Talking to the prisoners or approaching the wagons is now forbidden to you.”

“You forbid it to me?!” Havoc roared, causing the grass under his feet to wither. “Who are you to dare to talk to me that way?! I won this war for all of you! I have killed enough diamond dogs to rise a mountain as large as Canterlot with their corpses. I could kill you all if I wanted. From now on, you won’t tell me what to do, unless you want me to bring these three wagons to the meeting point on my own and tell them about the terrible dragon who killed you all before I could defeat him.”

“I knew it. Under all your lies about selflessness and allegiance to Equestria, you are just a bloodthirsty monster. Are you so delusional that you think anyone will believe your words? We all know what you are. You are everything that Equestria isn’t. You don’t belong among us, you are a disgusting abomination and your place is in Tartarus, where you can’t harm good ponies.”

Shaking with barely contained fury, Havoc managed to talk back instead of attacking. “So this is your true face. A racist unicorn filled with ignorance and hate to those who aren’t like him. I won’t stoop to your level, though, and while I do more good for ponykind that you could ever hope to imagine I will rejoice knowing that you will lead an unsatisfactory life filled with bitter-”

A black arrow suddenly appeared on the captain’s neck with a wet noise. The unicorn’s eyes lost all expression as he collapsed.

“The draconequus killed the captain!” one of the soldiers shouted. “Seize him down!”

“What. I. No. Wait.” Havoc stuttered as the horns of twenty unicorns sparkled with magic. “Shit!”

Their binding spells hit Havoc simultaneously, leaving him paralyzed and unable to use magic. “Hmmmmmph…”

“First platoon, maintain the magical bind!” a lieutenant ordered, replacing the fallen captain. “The rest, find if that arrow was fired by someone else!”

Havoc noticed that the ground seemed to grow darker as the lieutenant talked, but there were no clouds to block the Sun. When the unicorns looked up, they started screaming and raising barriers. A few moments later thousands of arrows fell all over the area, taking out anypony who wasn’t fast enough to cover behind a barrier. The few that landed on Havoc bounced off the spells that kept him immobilised, but half of the unicorns holding him down were incapacitated by them.

“Release Havoc!” the lieutenant ordered as he struggled to remain on his hooves, having two arrows stuck to his belly. “We have been tricked into fighting each other...”

A second barrage of arrows fell, this time piercing through the unicorns’ barriers and spells, harming them and Havoc. Unable to channel magic, Havoc couldn’t heal the wounds caused by them. He immediately noticed that he hadn’t been hit by regular arrows: the heads had barely pierced his skin and he could already feel the effects of some sort of sleeping drug. Meanwhile, the remaining soldiers had spotted the source of the arrows, a dark figure atop a hill two hundred meters away. The solitary archer fired arrow after arrow as the unicorns teleported in random patterns to dodge them. The archer then opted to fire at Havoc’s location again, taking down the few remaining unicorns who were trying to undo the spells on him. Only then, when nopony could see her, did Screwball appear in front of Havoc.

“Well, it seems that you need my help. Let’s see...”

She reached towards Havoc’s back with her hooves and pulled his black axe from his own hammerspace, then used it to destroy most of the magical bindings with one vertical slash. As soon as he overwhelmed the remaining ones and healed himself, the arrows stuck to his body turning into ash and the sleepiness disappearing, he grabbed Screwball’s head and gave her a big kiss in the lips. “Thanks for saving my ass, now I’m gonna give that archer a piece of my mind!”

Havoc flew towards the archer, noticing that it had dealt with all the ponies already. The first arrow that hit him was a regular one, not the sleeping arrows that had been used against the ponies, and it went right through his right eye. A second arrow immediately destroyed his left eye. As soon as he healed them, two new arrows blinded him again. “You freaking asshole!”

In order to avoid being damaged again, Havoc teleported right behind the archer, finally getting a good view of her. The archer had the lower body of a large black panther, but a well-endowed humanoid torso sprouted from the place where the neck and head should be. Her head was that of a panther, too, but her eyes shone with the intelligence of a human or a pony. The only piece of clothing she wore were two golden bracelets.

“I’m not here for you,” she stated, her voice deep and solemn. “Hand me your prisoners and nobody will die today.”

“That’s not happening.”

“Then I will have to get rid of you, Havoc the draconequus minor,” she replied while pulling a single hair from her lower section, which magically grew into an arrow as she placed it on her white bow.

“What’s with all of you knowing so much about me?!”

“You do realize that you have been the spearhead and superweapon of Equestria’s army for about half a year, right?

“Your point being?” he asked as he drew his dragonbone hammer.

“You were pretty low-key before, but that time is over. Now anyone who isn’t clueless knows about everything there is to know about you. For example, your absolute reliance on chaos magic and how losing it makes you harmless.”

As she said those words, she released her arrow faster than Havoc could react. He tried to hit her, but she jumped a few meters away and darted towards the wagons. Havoc attempted to teleport ahead of her, but then he felt a painful pull against his chest. He looked down and found the arrow stuck to his belly sucking all the magic he had released for the teleport. When he tried to fly, the arrow also stole the magic that allowed him to fly. Worried, he tried to pull it out, only to find that moving it made him feel a disproportionately large amount of pain, which he couldn’t just stop from reaching his brain without the help of his magic. “Ugh! Wait you fucking cunt!”

Havoc ran on all fours after the archer, but his mismatched limbs were no match for her panther legs, so the distance between them quickly grew. By the time he reached the wagons, she had released all the prisoners from the second one, save for the zebra.

“Great job, Jackeuline,” Khal’dun said as he caressed his sore wrists, a big smile on his unusually-shaped face. “You too, Fugde. I can’t believe you managed to make them fight each other so easily.”

Fugde shrugged as he tore the third wagon’s door out of its frame and went inside.

“Well, I know for a fact that your ass will be mine in exchange for this rescue,” Jackeuline said to Khal’dun, making his smile be replaced by a worried frown. “But before that, would you all mind killing the draconequus? He can’t use magic now so it should be a piece of cake. I have a pending business with Aio.”

Cursing, Havoc grabbed his hammer with both hands, ready to smash it against anyone who tried to get close. It was then that Fugde walked out of the wagon, wielding a single-edged battle axe as massive as he was, its center shining with a purple glow. Fugde approached the other five prisoners and, without warning, beheaded the griffon who suggested Havoc to draw cannibal ponies with a single horizontal blow.

“Hey, what was that for?!” Khal’dun cried, jumping away as the blood sprayed everywhere.

“He enjoyed raping underage slaves, I heard him brag about it the other day,” Fugde replied. “He got what he deserved.”

“You could have waited until Havoc was dead,” another prisoner, a brown earth pony with a spear cutie mark, complained as they all began to approach Havoc.

“We are five against him, and he can’t use magic,” a sickly-looking yellow unicorn with a burning tree cutie mark added. “This will be a piece of cake.”

The last prisoner, a one-eyed changeling, simply hissed at Havoc.

“Can’t we just talk this-” Havoc began, then suddenly threw his hammer at the surprised unicorn’s head, breaking his horn and making him collapse and froth at the mouth, while violent seizures shook his whole body.

Roaring, Havoc jumped on Khal’dun, bringing him to the ground. As soon as the arrow on Havoc’s belly touched Khal’dun, his magic-destroying properties made the arrow turn back to its original form: a single strand of hair.

“You are soAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” Havoc screamed when Fugde severed his diamond dog arm with a powerful attack.

Since he was still touching Khal’dun, he was as vulnerable as if he still had the arrow stuck to his body. Khal’dun also decided to fight Havoc back, his powerful claws mauling his body. Roaring, Havoc grabbed Khal’dun by the head with his remaining arm and threw him at Fugde. Finally regaining full access to his magic, Havoc teleported away and focused on healing. He became worried when he realized that regrowing the arm cut by Fugde’s weapon took more energy than regrowing a dozen of them would have taken under normal circumstances.

Meanwhile, Jackeuline had reached the first wagon, prompting Aio to speak to her. “You aren’t here to rescue me.”

“As a matter of fact, I’m here to kill you.”

“Can I at least know why you want me dead?” he asked, sighing.

“It’s nothing personal. You have scored a lot of points already by taking over Gem Fido and killing all the others who tried to stop you. Also, your fighting style counters mine, so this is the best chance I’ll ever have at taking you down.”

“Points,” Aio deadpanned. “You want to kill me because I have a ‘high score’.”

“As I said, it’s nothing personal, just business. I won’t get paid if anyone other than me wins this game of gods; and you are the most likely to win.”

“Then do it.”

Closing his eyes, Aio awaited death. His keen ears could hear how Jackeuline’s bow tensed and then released an arrow. However, something soft hit his face instead of a deadly arrow. Opening his eyes, he found a large marshmallow on the floor in front of him, and a pink pony between him and Jackeuline.

“Back off, we got him first.”

“And who are you supposed to be?” Jackeuline asked. “You are not a piece.”

“I’m Screwball, and you just messed with my boyfriend. Only I can do that.”

“Pony, if you know what’s best for you, you will leave me alone.”

Grinning, Screwball transformed. Her body grew to twice her former size, her forelegs turning into an eagle claw and a lion arm, while her tail became longer and covered in scales. One of her hind legs was covered in scales, too, much like a dragon’s, and wings and horns sprouted from her back and head. Her head also changed, the muzzle becoming longer and her jaw developing carnivore’s canines. “Let’s see what you can do, dickgirl.”

Screwball vomited a swarm of wasps that attacked Jackeuline, forcing her to retreat and fire explosive arrows at the thousands of wasps to reduce their numbers. Laughing, Screwball led her away from the wagon by summoning more and more insects.

At the same time, Havoc was struggling to defeat his opponents. The earth pony was picking the spears from the unconscious soldiers, which had been enchanted to pierce through magical shields, and throwing them at him with deadly accuracy. All of them made sure to stay within arm’s reach of Khal’dun, so Havoc’s spells couldn’t hit them directly, and any heavy object he flung at them was deflected by Fugde. Flying around them while being impaled by spears wasn’t his definition of fun, so he turned his back on them.

“Fuck it, I’m going to help Screwball kill the panther bitch first.”

“Then we’ll start killing the ponies!”

“... Fuck you all.”

Landing, Havoc used his magic to levitate a dozen of spears and throw them all at once at the prisoners. The changeling then increased its size until everyone could cover under his belly, and the spears harmlessly bounced off his exoskeleton.

“Oh, come on! Since when can changelings do that?!”

“Do you think I would be a mercenary wanted in Equestria if I was just another changeling drone?” the changeling asked, its voice sounding as if a little girl had just inhaled helium. “I am a praetorian, second only to Queen Chrysalis herself.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

The elephant sized changeling charged towards Havoc, who met him with his hammer. The impact made Havoc’s bones fracture in several places and his wooden arm explode, but the changeling’s head was also heavily damaged. Returning to its normal size, the changeling praetorian clumsily walked a few steps away before collapsing, a puddle of green blood slowly forming around his head.

“You guys just don’t realize I’m the top dog here.”

“Ha!” Fugde taunted. “I can see you are struggling to heal your arm. What do you think will happen if I behead you with Infernal Soul?”

“Your axe has a name? You named your axe?”

Fugde proudly nodded, but his smirk turned into a confused frown when Havoc laughed at him.

“What a faggot!” Havoc shouted, tears running down his cheeks as he laughed even harder.

“He’s trying to make you mad, ignore his words,” Khal’dun warned.

Still laughing, Havoc levitated spears again, now that the changeling couldn’t block them all. Then he felt a sharp pain on his leg and found that Jackeuline had hit him with another anti-magic arrow. “For fuck’s sake!”

“Hey, I’m your opponent, HERMione!” Screwball said when Jackeuline shot a single arrow at Havoc.

“I’m multitasking.”

Screwball summoned a rabid cat on Jackeuline’s face, distracting her long enough to take her bow away from her.

“Ha! Now what?!” Screwball boasted as the cat exploded in a burst of confetti.

Frowning, Jackeuline pulled out one of her whiskers, which turned into a brand new bow in her hands.

“That is so unfair!” complained Screwball as she teleported in order to avoid a barrage of arrows.

“If you think that’s unfair, I don’t want to know what you think about THIS!” Jackeuline replied as she aimed at the chained Aio.

Screwball shrieked, making Jackeuline’s arrows stop mid air and drop harmlessly on the ground. After that, she pulled a strand of her own hair and used it on the bow she had stolen from Jackeuline, making the hair turn into a rotating drill ten times Screwball’s size.

“GIGA… DRILL… BREAKEEEEEEEER!!!” she cried, releasing the humongous drill, which rose a cloud of dirt and dust when it destroyed a large portion of the ground Jackeuline was standing on.

The amount of magic spent on that attack left Screwball panting. Confident, she waited for the cloud to clear up and reveal Jackeuline’s mangled corpse.

Her smirk turned into a grimace when an arrow hit her neck. Luckily, it cleanly passed through so its magic-blocking power didn’t affect her. After noticing that Jackeuline was intact, minus one of her golden bracelets which seemed to be evaporating, Screwball teleported behind a wagon as she feverishly worked on healing the lethal wound on her neck, her self-healing being weaker than Havoc’s.

“Hey,” Aio called her. “Release me and I will defeat her. I won’t try to run away or attack any of you.”

“We don’t need you, we have this under control.”

As she said that, Screwball heard a loud noise behind her. Turning, she saw Fugde raising his axe a few meters away from her. He ignored her and ran in a different direction, chasing Havoc.

“Stop running you coward!” Fugde bellowed.

Havoc replied by screaming like a little girl. Since Jackeuline had blocked his access to magic for a second time, he had been running away from an increasingly enraged Fugde, while Khal’dun stood behind the minotaur to avoid destroying the arrow’s effect on Havoc by mistake. At the same time, the earth pony kept on throwing spears, which were much deadlier now that Havoc couldn’t simply heal the wounds they caused. The draconequus was running on all fours, but a lance stuck on his cheetah leg allowed Fugde to outrun him and try to hit him. He had managed to dodge everything so far, but he was certain that a direct blow would kill him.

“Maybe we could use your help,” Screwball recognised as she turned Aio’s chains into earthworms.

As soon as he was released, Aio sprinted towards the wagon with the weapons, deftly dodging a barrage of Jackeuline’s arrows. Once he got inside, he quickly found the chest that contained his weapons. Frowning, he raised his put his left hand on it, and his fingertips glowed with blue fire for a few seconds until the chest’s lock opened with a loud click. Satisfied, Aio opened it and retrieved his handgun and katana. When he exited the wagon, he parried an arrow with a flick of his weapon, and replied with a shot from his gun. Jackeuline’s remaining bracelet glowed and the bullets disintegrated a few centimeters before reaching her. Frowning, he darted towards her, easily avoiding her arrows until he was close enough to release a cutting gust of wind with his katana. Jackeuline dodged it by jumping to a side while her bow turned into a quarterstaff with a blade on each end, just in time to meet Aio’s blow.

Screwball watched how Jackeuline struggled to keep up with Aio, barely managing to avoid his blade, so she decided to help Havoc before he got himself killed. Havoc seemed to be doing fine, all things considered. He was beginning to resemble a porcupine with all the lances stuck on his back, and both he and Fugde seemed to be too tired to sprint, so they were just walking at a brisk pace. Screwball teleported behind the spear-throwing earth pony and began to punch him so fast that her fists were just a blur.

“ATATATATATATATA!” she shouted for the ten seconds she punched her opponent. By the time she was done, the earth pony was unconscious and covered in bruises and blood.

“Great, we lost our numerical superiority,” Fugde said as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.

“Finish Havoc, I’ll keep the pony busy,” Khal’dun replied. “Once we get rid of these two we’ll take care of Aio.”

“Weren’t you supposed to be Aio’s allies?” Havoc panted.

“It was more of an ‘enemy of my enemy’ thing.”

With that said, Fugde resumed his chase while Khal’dun charged at Screwball. She hurled spears and rocks at him, but the nimble azuihotl dodged them all. This continued for a whole minute, until Khal’dun got close enough to graze Screwball’s tail with his claws, turning her back to her pony form. Surprised, she teleported right between Aio and Jackeuline, who stopped their fight in confusion.

“Need this, kthanksbye,” Screwball said as she took Aio’s handgun and teleported away.

Reappearing a few meters in front of Khal’dun, she emptied the weapon’s cartridge on him, a lucky shot going through his leg.

“Uaaaaah! You cunt!” he cried as he curled into a ball. “I give up! Stop shooting! Goddamnit!”

“Now stay there and think about what you have done, young mister.”

That said, Screwball floated towards Havoc, who was running towards her whole Fugde got closer and closer to him. She pulled his axe from hammerspace once again and aimed for the arrow on his leg. Just as she was going to hit it with the axe’s edge, she felt a sharp pain on her torso. Looking down, she saw that everything below her rib cage was lying on the floor, covered in the blood that sprayed from her still floating upper half. She realized Fugde had bisected her with a blow from his axe moments before he swatted her with a blow from the flat side of his weapon.

Roaring, Havoc punched Fugde in the face, dazing him long enough to take his own black axe from the ground, where it had fallen along Screwball’s lower half, and hit the magic-blocking arrow with it. Healing the several wounds caused by the spears taxed Havoc’s already low magic reserves, leaving him too weakened to simply make Fugde explode. Due to this, he resorted to trying to kill him with his axe. When Fugde parried the attack aimed at his neck with his own axe, both weapon’s powerful properties fought for dominance, creating blue electrical sparks around them. Enraged by what Fugde had done to Screwball, Havoc attacked with wild abandon, combining his blows with fire breathing and creating illusions that blinded Fugde, forcing him to fight defensively. Eventually, Fugde grazed Havoc’s wooden arm, but the attack was slow enough for Havoc to grow vines around the axe’s handle, immobilizing it. Defenseless, Fugde could only watch as Havoc’s vertical slash cut off his horn. The pain loosened Fugde’s grip on his weapon, so Havoc yanked it away from his hands and cut the other horn with it.

Fugde fell on his knees, seizing his skull as he cried in pain; but his crying was cut short when Havoc brought down both axes on him, cutting him in two from head to waist. Already forgetting about him, Havoc ran towards Screwball and kneeled by her side. He found that she had managed to crawl back to her lower half, and was trying to connect both halves with her shaking hooves, so he helped her with it.

“Ouch,” she faintly complained. “Be gentle, please. I have a boo-boo.”

“Everything is going to be alright,” Havoc said, tears building up under his eyes. “Just you see.”

Screwball’s magic made her two halves join back into one, but that didn’t seem to improve her condition.

“Have my magic, use it to heal yourself.”

“I can’t heal as well as a draconequus... I’m just a pony…”

Shaking his head, Havoc poured his energy into her. However, he was near his own limit, which wouldn’t budge no matter how hard he tried to give a bit more of his chaos magic. When he gave her as much as he could, a shadow covered her. Looking up, he found Aio standing over both of them.

“If you harm her, I will make you suffer the most painful death imaginable, even if it means the end of me,” Havoc threatened.

“I always keep my word, and I promised her that I wouldn’t harm any of you,” he said as he placed both of his hands on her head. “She has saved my life, so now I’m going to try to return the favour.”

His now burned and hairless hands glowed with a green light as his eyes became foggy. Havoc watched in silence for the four whole minutes that Aio did this, until the glow disappeared. Blinking, Aio’s eyes returned to normal and he began to pant heavily.

“I have done as much as I could, but that weapon’s killing power is just too much for me. Her own magic will have to do the rest.”

“What happened with the archer?”

“She managed to escape, carrying Khal’dun on her back.”

Havoc got up, using Fugde’s axe as support. He noticed that, when its head touched the ground, the grass immediately died. “What the heck is wrong with this weapon?”

“He told me once that the purple glow is the soul of an ursa major trapped inside of it. I don’t know if he was saying the truth, but the weapon is so powerful that it can smash a dragon’s head like a ripened tomato.”

They remained in silence for a few minutes, Havoc watching Screwball closely while he felt her magic fight Infernal Soul’s effects on her body. Eventually, Aio spoke. “Watching her won’t change a thing. Wake up the ponies and explain them what happened. I’ll keep watch just in case Jackeuline returns.”

Havoc did as Aio told him, trying to ignore the pain that refused to abandon the wounds caused by Fugde’s weapon, even though he had healed them all.

Author's Note

For fuck's sake this chapter took forever.

30: Hier Kommt Die Sunbutt

“There it is!” one of the guards shouted, pointing towards a solitary cloud.

Squinting, Havoc discerned a black dot just below the cloud: the airship that would take them to Equestria. No one had bothered the group after Jackeuline’s attack, but they had been on edge all the time.

“About time they showed up,” Screwball quietly complained. She had managed to survive her injuries, but she was still bedridden and could barely move or use magic. Havoc had told the captain that she was a magical construct that carried his injuries so he could keep fighting without being crippled, and that killing her would kill him, too Thus, they had resorted to letting her lie in the first wagon and placing Aio back with the three remaining prisoners: the zebra, the changeling and the earth pony.

“In before it’s an enemy ship,” Havoc said.

“Shut up.”

“You have a point,” the commanded said. “Teleport there and check that they are the ones we are waiting for.”

Havoc did as he was told, and in a moment he was standing inside the zeppelin. The dozen of ponies inside reached for their weapons or jumped back until they realized who had just appeared on their deck.

“The others are waiting on the evacuation point. I came first to check that you are the extraction team instead of some hostiles.”

“Did you have a safe trip?” asked the captain of the zeppelin, a gray-haired pegasus.

“Not exactly. Give me a moment.”

Focusing, Havoc reached towards Screwball’s mind, telling her that everything was safe. The last days had been anything but chaotic, so his energy reserves were too low to waste them on teleporting back. “Alright, now they know.”

“Good, good. Now, since it will be a couple of minutes before we land, would you mind telling me about your trip?

Havoc quickly summarized the events up to Jackeuline’s attack, and the continued. “After we managed to fend her off, we were on a dire situation. All the royal guards were asleep, I was near-dead and Aio could turn on us in any second. Since I couldn’t heal the wounds caused by Fugde’s weapon, I had to create a substitute to bear my injuries so I could fight if we were attacked again. Luckily, I didn’t have to. After the effects of the sleeping drug wore off, we chained the prisoners again and continued travelling undisturbed.”

“It’s a shame that you lost some of the prisoners. But, since this Jackeuline was so powerful that you had to team-up with the Diamond Wolf just to fight her off, we are lucky that all our soldiers survived.”

“We are lucky that she used non-lethal arrows or we would have had to dig a large pit to bury everypony.”

Taken aback by Havoc’s reply, the captain focused back on his duty. This allowed Havoc to walk around the airship, annoying everypony with his questions about what anything that looked shiny or important. Twenty minutes later, the zeppelin landed and the ground group got inside, wagons included. Since they were still carrying greatly dangerous war criminals, Havoc was ordered to always stay around to ensure they wouldn’t escape. Since this meant he could stay with Screwball all the time, he happily agreed.

For the two uneventful days it took them to reach Canterlot, Havoc continued nursing Screwball back to health, like he had been doing since she got injured. Said nursing involved several practical jokes and magic exchange, as well as feeding her and making sure she wasn’t feeling cold or hot. At one point he attempted to breastfeed her, claiming that it would give her both nutrients and magic, but having one of his bear nipples torn off by pony teeth convinced him to stick to more traditional means.

By the time they arrived at Canterlot, Screwball had recovered use of most of her powers, no longer having to devote all of her magic to staying alive, albeit they were still severely weakened. Plus, both she and Havoc kept on feeling pain in all the places the axe had harmed them, a feeling that somewhat reminded Havoc of the day when he lost one of his horns to balefire.

When they surrounded the mountain on which Canterlot rested, the full view of the city left Havoc speechless. He had seen it before, both in his laptop’s screen when he watched the show and in real life, but never this close. The city was massive, clinging to the side of an equally humongous mountain, even though a structure of its size should not be able to hang from the side of a mountain without falling down. Being on the bottom of the ship, with its open cargo door, gave them a privileged view of Canterlot during the sunrise.

“Woah.”

“I know, right?” Screwball said, sitting atop his shoulders.

“I think we have thrown enough marbles at the prisoners to relax and watch the city without going crazy.”

“>Implying I go crazy due to chaos deprivation. Implying that’s not just you because draconequi minor are trash.”

“Stop speaking in other colors. You are ruining the moment, /b/tard.”

“Maybe you should make photos, them post them on your instagram and/or facebook.”

Havoc snorted. “Facebook is too mainstream, I use Google+.”

They continued watching the city in content silence for a few minutes, until they noticed a black dot growing larger and acquiring a pony-like shape as it approached them. After a few seconds they realized that it was a changeling flying straight towards them.

“... Are we under attack?” Havoc asked, pointing at the changeling.

“Don’t worry, that’s sir Knightbane,” a guard, who was escorting them so they wouldn’t cause trouble, answered. “Chances are he’s gonna play a song for us.”

Right on cue, music reached Havoc’s ears. “No fucking way,” he said, facepalming. “Screwball, do you know anything about this guy?”

“Nope.”

“You knew his name, right? Who’s him?” he asked the guard.

“Sir Knightbane Demonmare. He was knighted by Celestia herself, after he uncovered a conspiracy to kill Princess Luna.”

“A what?!”

“It’s a long story, but I’m sure he will greatly enjoy telling you everything about it.”

Shrugging in unison, Havoc and Screwball, the music becoming louder as Knightbane approached the ship, only to end as he landed. It was blatantly obvious that he was not a regular changeling. Firstly, he walked on two legs, his body, hands with actual fingers and posture resembling more a human’s than a pony’s. Secondly, he wore a leather jacket and two swords on his belt. Lastly, his height was half of Havoc’s, so he looked like a little kid next to him.

“So you are Havoc!” he exclaimed, buzzing around to get a good sight of him. “Woah, you are huge! And your body parts are original, too. From Luna’s description, I was expecting a chubby Discord.”

“There we go again with the fat jokes,” he sighed. “So are you a changeling or what? You don’t look like the others.”

“Yeah I shapeshifted into something more human-like. It’s way more convenient. Hey! I know you!” he added, pointing at the pony sitting on Havoc’s shoulders. “You are Screwball!”

“Oh, great, you are a goddamn brony,” she groaned. “Stay away from me, will you?”

“So why are your eyes like that? Can you do chaos magic? Are you Discord’s daughter?” he asked in a rapid succession as he soared closer to her.

“The girl said no, mate,” Havoc said, putting his hand on Knightbane’s head and forcing him to land by pushing down. ”Now, are you here to escort the prisoners or something?”

“Actually, yes. We are going straight to the dungeons so I’ll guide you there. Meanwhile you could tell me about you. Is it true that you can shapeshift as much as us changelings?”

“Yes.”

“... Are you not gonna do it for me?”

“No. I’m low on batteries. Maybe later. Now, since you are a brony… How much did you watch of it? In which season are we right now?”

To Havoc’s disappointment, Knightbane had only watched the first three seasons, and the current events were not included in them. They talked about the show and their previous lives for a while, until Havoc grew bored of Knightbane’s ridiculous stories about how he was around 85 years old and a former member of the SCP foundation. Only Screwball, who had turned invisible, found Knightbane’s bullshit amusing; whereas Havoc just tuned the changeling out and focused on the surroundings.

The city was a work of art, every building and ornament creating a wondrous visual spectacle. The only blemish on the city was the downright hostile and disgusted stares some of the ponies, who had gathered to see the infamous diamond dog, gave him. At first he thought they were directed at the prisoners behind him, but after a few minutes he had realized the truth. His train of thought was interrupted by the sound of someone shouting behind him. Turning around, he realized it was the changeling prisoner, who had been sleeping through the whole thing until now.

“Outcast! Traitor! Fight me! I will kill you!” he shouted in a frenzy, staring at Knightbane.

“Sure! Come here and we’ll fight!” Knightbane replied, poking his tongue out.

The changeling’s furious hissing was cut short by Aio, who knocked him out with a kick of his unshackled legs. “Knightbane,” he saluted, curtly nodding.

“Aio,” the changeling replied with the same gesture.

“What was that?” Havoc asked.

“Back when all of this started, we fought together and saved each other a couple of times. We are enemies now, but he’s still right by my book.”

“Huh. You aren’t going to try to set him free, are you?”

“Nope. I told him he was in the wrong, and this is what he gets for going batshit insane and killing ponies like there’s no tomorrow.”

“Well, now that that’s sorted out, let’s keep waving at the relatively happy crowd and walking. By the way, how did a human turned changeling end up becoming a knight under Celestia’s orders? Heh, Knightbane the knight.”

“Well, you see…”

One hour and a half later, when all the prisoners were safely trapped in the dungeons, Knightbane was still halfway through his story about how he impersonated one of the nobles that were planning the whole “let’s kill Luna”. Apparently, the nobles considered her a dangerous creature, who had gotten them into the war with the diamond dogs and was somehow behind Discord, Chrysalis and Sombra. The fact that she had tried to behead some of them due to a long-outlawed rule they had broken shortly after her return did not help.

“I will tell you the rest next time we meet, now you have to go to the palace. Celly wants to meet you.”

“Hm… You gonna guide me there?”

“I will,” John de Lancie’s unfathomably sensual voice said above their heads as Discord appeared out of thin air, making Havoc jump back and shout an obscenity.

“Nice to meet you! See you later!” Knightbane quickly said, flying away as fast as his wings could carry him.

“You can run, but you can’t hide from my payback prank!” Discord shouted. “That human is really something. If only he had been turned into a draconequus, now that would have been fun.”

Screwball jumped from Havoc’s shoulders to Discord, landing with an iron grip on his neck as she became visible again. “Daddy!”

“Not so tight!” he whispered, patting her back until she released him. “My, Screwball, you are a sight for sore eyes. What happened to you? I told you not to interfere in the fighting, yet you almost died last week! Do you have any idea how worried I was? And you haven’t phoned me in ages! What do you have to say for yourself, young miss?”

“I’m sorry. I would have talked to you more often, but this idiot took all the chaos magic for himself and his fights, leaving me with what I needed to survive.”

“Hey! That is only partially true!” Havoc piped in, making Discord remember that he was there.

“I’m afraid this conversation will have to wait, Screwball. Celestia can be such a drama queen regarding punctuality.”

A snap of his fingers created a solid rainbow right in front of them, which acted as an escalator towards Canterlot’s palace. In a matter of minutes, they were walking through the main gate, the guards bowing for Discord.

“You would be surprised how fast they learned to automatically bow instead of pointing weapons at me,” Discord said, chuckling. “Nothing like society to suppress the true nature of the individual.”

“Well society also created the Internet, so both sort of even out.”

“If only ponies were nearly as fun as you humans. Did you know that I spent a couple of years in your world? It was great, but I soon realized that my presence there was meaningless, so I moved here.”

“Woah, how did those poor cavemen react to you?”

“Who said anything about cavemen? I personally met Andy Warhol and partied in Woodstock.”

“Hold on, that was fifty years ago. You were a statue back there!”

Discord patted Havoc’s head. “Don’t think too hard about it. Your mortal mind isn’t equipped to handle concepts such as how space and time really work outside of this extremely simple fourth-dimensional place. Well, Sunbutt is behind this door. Screwball, come with me. You have a lot to explain while the giant marshmallow deals with your friend.”

Havoc took a deep breath as he approached the door. “Hashtag yolo,” he said just before opening it.

He immediately recognised the room: it was the throne room that appeared in the show’s intro, with the stained glass windows and everything. Both Celestia and Luna were sitting on their thrones, their eyes locked on him. He considered turning back and running, but he thought that there was no reason for it. He had fought and risked his life for them, hadn’t he? Surely, Celestia wanted to personally meet him and maybe reward him for his help. With that idea in mind, he walked towards them and kneeled at the base of the stairs leading up to the twin thrones.

“It is an honour to meet you at last, Princess Celestia. And to see you again, Princess Luna.”

“I told you he would behave properly in our presence,” Luna whispered to Celestia, just loud enough for Havoc to hear.

“Welcome to Canterlot, Havoc. You may rise now,” Celestia commanded. “I have been looking forward to this meeting. I have heard a lot about you from many different sources, both good and bad things. However, most of the bad things are minor and completely natural given your nature, such as your love for practical jokes.”

“Even if only a few of them are actually funny,” added Luna.

“At first we considered you a threat, a human maddened by chaos magic who was a danger to everypony, and what you did in Fillydelphia seemed to confirm our fears,” Celestia resumed, levitating . “However, after careful consideration, we think you are not guilty of what happened, since you couldn’t have known that your body would take over and make you kill ponies. Some ponies will disagree, but both of us consider you a victim, not a perpetrator.”

“So now you can forget about going to jail for it,” said Luna.

“With that matter finally solved, we think that you deserve recognition for your efforts in the Gem Fido war, for your help in finally defeating Sombra, and extra-officially for taking down Bruce Mayne and saving the town of Trottingham from his madness,” Celestia paused for a few seconds, as if considering her following words. “We have decided to name you a knight of Equestria. You will be knighted tonight in a ceremony for those who have earned enough merits in the war to deserve a knighthood, and along with your title you will be given a residence here in Canterlot and a weekly wage as long as you remain in Canterlot at least four days per week.”

“I… Uh… Wow. I have no words to express how grateful I am,” he managed to utter, his eyes wide open with surprise.

“Sir Knightbane will lead you to your new property,” Luna said. “Know that you will have some other humans as neighbours, and you will be reprimanded if you misbehave. You will find a set of rules you must follow in addition to the laws that every equestrian citizen must abide by. The details will be explained to you later.”

“Then I am to stay here in Canterlot indefinitely?” he asked, still trying to process what he had been told.

“That would be ideal. Despite how good you might be, your nature is chaotic and dangerous, and you still are a puppet to a mad draconequus. Staying here is the best, both for you and for society.”

“We will consider you if we need someone to handle a situation that requires a large amount of magical power, though.”

“Is that all?”

“Not yet, I still want to know how you defeated the diamond wolf,” Luna eagerly said.

“Well, sure. You see, I was flying over the battlefield, helping wherever the diamond dogs started to gain advantage; when I heard a deafening roar... “ Havoc began. As he narrated his actions, his nervousness faded away, especially when he noticed that both Celestia and Luna seemed to be enjoying his story.

When he was done, Luna got up from her throne. “Follow me, Havoc. My sister has many other duties to attend, and it’s about time I retire to my chambers.”

Luna led Havoc to a balcony from which most of the city could be seen. Knightbane was already on the balcony, waiting for them to arrive. “About time you showed up, it’s boring up here,” he complained.

“Waiting for a few minutes has never killed anypony,” Luna replied. “Now, I have two tasks: one for each of you. Knightbane, your task is to make sure Havoc adapts to life in Canterlot and to keep him away from trouble for a week. Havoc, your task is to keep Knightbane away from trouble for that week. If one of you causes a ruckus, you will both be punished for it. Understood?” They both nodded, slightly afraid after how she had pronounced “punished”.

“Excellent. Now, Knightbane, lead Havoc to his new residence, and make sure he isn’t late for the ceremony!” With that said, she left them alone.

“Fan-fucking-tastic, now I have to babysit you. Not that I don’t like you or anything, it’s just that I would rather not worry about what you are planning to do.”

“I’ll just take it easy for a week. Can’t have them kicking me out after I had to basically win a war for this, right?”

“Sure. Now are those wings just for the looks or can you fly?”

“Fuck Rainbow Dash, I’m the best flier in Equestria.”

“Alright, follow me!” Knightbane said as he jumped off the balcony and flew away at great speed, the buzz of his wings creating music.

Havoc soon caught up with him, so Knightbane described the city as they flew above it. “We are above the noble district right now. All the districts circle the palace, with the noble one being the closest to it. We are going to the end of the circle, where the lower nobles live. After that there’s the district of merchants, bankers and other wealthy ponies, then the middle class residences. Canterlot has no poor residents, since the cost of living here is just too damn high for them. This also means that everypony here is paid more than in other cities to make up for it, so a street cleaner earns here around twice as much as in any other city. Alright, we should reach the place in a minute, get ready to land.”

Unlike the mansions and miniature palaces they had seen just after leaving the princesses’ palace, the house they landed in front of was average-sized. Like most of Canterlot’s buildings, its walls were white and its roof, golden. It had two stories, with large windows on all of its sides. A small lawn with a cobblestone wall almost as tall as a pony standing on his hind legs separated it from the main street, and a slightly curved walk crossed the lawn into the main entrance.

“So, this house is mine now?”

“Yep.”

“As in, mine mine?”

“Well, not really. This house still belongs to the government, they just let you use it for free.”

“Damn it, I could have made so much money renting it and living on the streets.”

“What do you even need money for? Can’t you just magic everything you could ever want into existence?”

“The power of money can do things that magic never could, at least not without resorting to evil practices such as mind control. I would just create bits or gold with magic, but it seems that doing that is exactly the same as printing money on Earth. They even have this spell to check the origin of objects.”

“Well, these are your keys,” Knightbane said as he retrieved them from his jacket and threw them at him.

Havoc tried to catch them but they slipped through his fingers, prompting Knightbane to facepalm. “As soon as you manage to catch the keyring you will notice there’s two keys. One is for the main door and the other is for a large chest that you will find in your bedroom. I’m in a bit of a hurry so I’m leaving you to inspect your place. I’ll be back a couple of minutes before the ceremony to make sure you don’t forget.”

Knightbane took a few steps away, only to suddenly turn around. “Oh! I almost forgot! I have to tell you two more things. First, they have placed all of us humans in this street, so yeah don’t be surprised when they come knocking and asking questions. Second, you are supposed to look after yourself. That includes keeping your house clean and pest-free, cooking whatever you eat and all that stuff. I’m telling you because some of the humans who have ended up here are teenagers who have never even touched a frying pan unless it was in between the doritos and their mouths.”

“Figures. Well, you don’t need to worry about me setting the kitchen on fire or anything. I lived as an unicorn for nearly a year and I managed just fine.”

“Cool. Now I’m gonna leave before Vinyl and Octy complain because I’m late for the threesome.”

“Godspeed mate,” Havoc waved off, only to do a double take when Knightbane was already out of sight. “Wait, what?! … Meh, he was probably lying just like when he said he fought SCP-076 to a standstill.”

Crouching, he picked up the keyring and then walked towards the house. Since it had been built to be used by ponies, he didn’t fit through the door, so he reduced his size to half the usual and then opened the door. A wave of chocolate milk greeted him, throwing him to the ground and soaking him. “OK, this time it’s my fault for not expecting something like this to happen.”

Discord slithered out of the house, singing a familiar song while Screwball played the tune on a digital keyboard. Havoc tried to get up, but the chocolate had turned into a glue that resisted both his physical and magical attempts at escaping, so he had to sit through the whole song.

“Chocolate Rain
History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain
Using you to fall back down again,” Discord finished, and the chocolate milk disappeared with a snap of his fingers.

“That was the worst rendition of Chocolate Rain I’ve ever suffered through,” Havoc complained as his ears bled.

“Oh! Pish posh! You know that you loved it, deep down inside! But this is not the reason why I’m here,” he added, his smirk turning into a frown. “Screwball has told me everything. I am very disappointed, Martin Thompson. Not only did you date my daughter without my knowledge and approval, you also put her in risk and nearly managed to get her killed! Show me the weapon that was used against her, I know you took it for yourself.”

When Discord pronounced his real name, Havoc felt cold shivers running up his spine. Shaking, he summoned Infernal Soul and offered it to Discord.

“I’m not touching that, you idiot,” Discord hissed, taking a step back to keep his distance from it. “Do you have any idea what that is?”

“A strong magic weapon?”

“It’s a soul weapon, you idiot. The soul of a living being trapped inside of it empowers it. This one was made by slaying an ursa major, so it has the same potential for destruction.”

“Holy shit.”

“Luckily for everyone, whoever crafted it did a terrible job, so it only has a fraction of the power it should have. Ursii are astral beasts, so their attacks can harm both body and spirit. Your magic can heal the body, but soul mending is way, way beyond your abilities. That’s why both you and Screwball had so much trouble recovering from your injuries. You will probably finish healing after a few weeks. I guess. Maybe. I did cure Screwball but I can’t tamper with you so much without breaking rules and whatnot.”

Havoc held the weapon with even more wariness than before. “Wow. Now this is an improvement over the large dragonbones I’ve been using as weapons.”

“It’s an improvement only if you don’t take into account that you’ll probably kill yourself with that thing, my boy. The infusion of the soul into the metal is delightfully unstable, so that weapon is likely to explode in a burst of soul energy as soon as anything manages to damage it. I wouldn’t like to be around when that happens.”

“Alright, this thing is never leaving my pocket dimension,” Havoc said as he made Infernal Soul disappear.

“If it ever starts shrieking you really should put as much distance as you can between it and everything you hold dear. Now, what was I saying before we got derailed into this?”

“Our affair,” Screwball said.

“Oh, right! Thanks, my dear. Martin ‘Havoc’ Thompson, treat Screwball as she deserves or else I’ll get really mad. Be chaotic, have a lot of fun, and for the love of all things chaos don’t you ever adopt anything. Discord out.”

A beeping noise came out of Discord as his body became black with glowing green “1”s and “0”s, only to dissolve after a few seconds.

Havoc rubbed his temples, then walked into his new house and closed the door “I’m into chaos but this is just too much for me to take.”

“Yeah you are more of a slapstick and violence related chaos guy than a internal turmoil and confusion one.”

“I’m just going to check over this house and then we can go prank ponies or something. Chances are that nobody will bother me for the next few hours if I’m really hard to locate.”

As soon as he said that, he heard knocking on the door. “Screwball, did you do that with magic?”

“You know I didn’t or you would’ve felt it. I do feel something chaotic past that door, though.”

“... I recognise this energy!” he exclaimed as he urgently opened the door. As soon as he did, he was knocked over for a second time, this time by a burst of confetti and balloons. On the doorstep there was a smoking cannon, with a really excited pink pony behind it.

“Did you miss me, Havoc?!” Diane, Pinkie Pie’s last remaining mirror pool copy, asked.

“I can’t even,” he said, not bothering to get up from the floor.

31: Weirdos And Self Inserts

Wiping the confetti off his fur, Havoc stared at Diane. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s been six months since we last saw each other, you silly! I wanted to spend a few days with my best friend slash big brother slash uncle!”

“You can’t be around me, my magic is poisonous to you!” he cried, moving away from her.

“Don’t be overprotective, Havoc. It took almost a year for that to affect me, a few days won’t hurt me. By the way, who’s your friend?”

“Who?”

“I saw her just before she turned invisible.”

“Fffffuuuuuuck,” Screwball cursed as she turned visible. “Now Pinkie Pie has seen me.”

“Not exactly,” Havoc said. “Diane, this is Screwball, my girlfriend who is also a chaos pony created by Discord and who would rather keep that fact in secret. Screwball, this is Diane, my best friend slash little sister slash niece. She’s also a mirror pool clone of Pinkie Pie and she would rather keep that fact in secret. So yeah, please don’t try to kill each other because you are more similar than you think, yadda yadda. Diane, are you sure that this is safe? Did all of my magic exit your body?”

“Don’t worry, as I told you in my letters: it took me only a month to fully recover. Hold, is she the same Screwball you were hiding from because she nearly killed you twice?”

“Yep, that’s me. I’m glad to finally meet you face to face, Diane. Havoc has talked a lot about you.”

“Oh! Okie dokie lokie! I’m really happy you found somepony other than me who can stand you when you aren’t acting as a pony, Havoc.”

“Yeah, it’s not easy to withstand so much autism, but I think I’m doing fine,” Screwball said. “Please, come inside and close the door before anypony else notices me.”

“Where did you get that party cannon, Diane?”

“From a party supplies stores, duh!” she answered as she pushed it into the house so she could close the door. “So, this is your new place?”

“Yeah. I still have to check it out, I just arrived. Come, let’s take a look and then we can talk over some bomb ass tea.”

Havoc’s new house turned out to be rather average. The ground floor had a kitchen, a dining room, and a large living room with a large chimney; while the first floor had a bathroom and two bedrooms. Everything was already furnished in the prevalent Canterlot fashion: dignified, opulent and relatively impractical. “Why in hell does the toilet seat have ornaments? It’s like they are meant to make you feel uncomfortable whenever you sit.”

Both Screwball and Diane shrugged, unable to discern the reason behind it. They were walking to the entrance when Diane noticed something. “Hey, I think there’s a trapdoor here!” she exclaimed as she stepped on a mat, her clopping much louder than before. Removing it uncovered a small trapdoor, which prompted the three of them to wonder aloud what could there be in the basement.

“A party room!”

“Dead bodies!”

“BDSM room?” Havoc offered, trying to reach the middle ground.

The three of them decided to discover it right away, so they quickly opened it and descended through the dark ladder. After nearly falling down the stairs, Screwball turned her beanie into a floating sphere of light, illuminating the area. The basement turned out to be disappointingly empty, save for the giant cobwebs that covered everything.

“Aaaaw,” Havoc whined as he burned off all the cobwebs with a snap of his fingers. “Well, at least we can turn this room into anything we want. Maybe an underground spa?”

“Or a place where you can lure unsuspecting ponies and turn them into cupcakes,” Screwball offered, smirking at Diane.

“Don’t be silly, Screwballs. You don’t turn ponies into cupcakes, you add them into the stew.”

“Girls, girls, don’t fight,” Havoc asked as they walked back to the ground floor. “Everyone knows that the best way to eat you ponies is raw and while you are still screaming. Now, Diane, do you have a place to stay?”

“I’ve been sleeping in an inn since I got here last Monday.”

“...What day is it today, again?”

“Saturday.”

“Huh. Well, you can stay here if you want. No point in wasting money if you can sleep here, right?”

“Alright, but if you get all noisy and expect me to clean the results of your love, I’m leaving.”

“That won’t be an issue, she never gives me any.”

“Oh, you poor thing… Well, I’m going to get my stuff, I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

As soon as she exited the house, Havoc let out a long sigh. “There’s no way in Hell I’m surviving both of you.”

“Hm… Would she agree to a threesome?”

“EEEEW! No! She’s, like, a little sister to me! And for the record: I’ve never had incestuous feelings towards my actual sister.”

“See? This is why Knightbane is more popular than you. He never says no to threesomes and doesn’t afraid of anything.”

“I don’t know why did you even suggest a threesome. It’s not like we are fucking, so there’s no need to spice up our sexual life with additions and innovations so it doesn’t get boring.”

“Yep, I’m a prude Canterlot mare who won’t lift her tail for the first draconequus who whispers sweet nothings to her. Now, Discord showed me the book of rules you have to follow if you want to stay out of trouble. You really, really need to check it or you’ll be neck-deep in shit before you realize it.”

“Seriously?”

Screwball solemnly nodded as she handed him a booklet. “I’m not saying that they tricked you into becoming a slave of these rules by giving you a house and some money, but…”

“That is exactly what they did,” Havoc concluded as he opened the booklet. “It’s only got 20 or so pages, it can’t be that bad, can it?”

“Read. I’m going to make lunch while you do.”

Havoc did so, and his frown became more and more pronounced with each page he flipped. He sat on a couch, which only creaked slightly under his weight, and continued until Screwball came back from the kitchen with a chickpea salad and pumpkin soup. “It’s a nice detail that the pantry is supplied already, but I’ll have to buy some missing stuff. Did you read the whole thing already?”

“I’m halfway through. Some of these are plain bullshit. ‘Shapeshifting in a way that will make those without magical awareness unable to discern your real aspect is forbidden’. How am I supposed to walk around without everypony pointing and freaking out then? And that rule about not being able to leave Canterlot without asking first? It’s clear that they want us to stay out of their minds until they actually need our powers.”

“So are you staying or not?”

“I don’t know, Screwball. I don’t know,” Havoc remained silent for a few seconds before continuing. “I’ll check the rest of the rules after lunch and then we’ll see.”

“Just wait until you read the ones that your fellow humans wrote.”

Havoc nearly choked on the soup when she said that. “Shit, they let some of us write rules?” Quickly eating what was left of the food, Havoc resumed reading the rules, this time shouting obscenities from time to time.

“‘Every human must asks for permission from the others before romantically approaching a pony’?! What the fuck is this? ‘It is forbidden to join others in their adventures unless they approve’? I can’t believe Luna and Celestia approved all of this.”

“So?”

“These rules are complete bullshit, but if they expect me to follow them they are dumber than I thought. Unpack your stuff, honey, we are staying.”

“Neat,” she said as she turned her beanie into a pair of sunglasses and donned them. “I’m going to take a walk around town. No offense but I want some time alone to interact with regular ponies. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

A few seconds after Screwball left, Havoc realized that he had nothing to do and nobody to talk to for the next hour. “Hm… Might as well spy on Knightbane’s threesome.”

In order to avoid drawing attention, Havoc changed into his owl form before leaving the house, and then used his magic senses to try to find any remains of magic that could lead him to Knightbane’s location. Luckily for him, the changeling’s wings had been releasing his unique musical magic at all times, so following the residual remains of it was an easy task.

They also tasted like lemonade.

He eventually found himself in front of a house in the other end of the low nobility area of the city. Turning back to his draconequus form, then becoming invisible, Havoc looked through the house’s windows one by one, finding nothing alive inside. But then he approached the last window, which seemed to be vibrating, and when he peeked through he found the last thing he expected to see: Knightbane playing a guitar while a grey earth pony played a cello and a white unicorn played on a turntable. Opening the window a few millimeters allowed him to hear what they were playing.

“What the fuck?” Havoc said before he could cover his mouth. Fortunately, the loud music drowned out his words. When they finished that song, he decided to leave the other human to his own devices and go back to his house.

As he flew over Canterlot, he tried to think of ways to keep himself busy for the rest of the day. After discarding mowing the lawn, writing a clopfic about Discod and Chrysalis, and cutting stuff with Infernal Soul to see what happened; he decided to turn his new bedroom into a chaos domain so he would never find himself powerless.

“Okay, what now?” he asked himself when he was done, since Diane wouldn’t return in at least twenty minutes. “Oh, I know! It’s time to bake!”

Thirty minutes later, Diane knocked on Havoc’s door, carrying her weight in luggage. “It’s not locked, come in!” he shouted from the inside.

Diane found him in the kitchen, wearing an apron with “⠎⠥⠉⠅ ⠍⠽ ⠙⠊⠉⠅” written on it, and pulling a tray full of brownies out of the oven. “What are you cooking?”

“Special brownies,” he replied with a huge grin.

“Havoc, what did you do to those brownies?” she asked, a bit hesitant.

“You know how my left arm grows leaves? Yeah, I spiked the batter with some of those. I honestly have no idea what will happen to those who eat them.”

“Oooooh! Can I try one?”

“I think you are the last pony who should eat these, what with them being charged with my magic which is deadly for you. I expect the other humans who live here to eventually come over to meet me, so I’ll offer them brownies and then see what happens.”

“So you aren’t even going to try to cause a good first impression.”

“Well, we are sort of supposed to eventually kill each other, so why would I want to make friends with any of them?”

“Havoc, don’t be a retard. Celestia and Luna wouldn’t let all of you live here if killing each other were the only way to win this game or whatever it is. Calm down, make friends and try to have fun. How many friends have you made in Equestria since you came here, other than me and Screwball?”

“I’ve made a lot! There’s… Uh… Drogur?”

“He’s more of a boss than a friend to you, so he doesn’t count.”

“Those teen dragons?“

“Didn’t you abandon them because they were a bunch of insane jerks?”

“Hm… Comet Tail and Cloudy Sunset?”

“Yeah, I guess those count. So you have made a total of four friends in… Two years? That’s not a number to be proud of. Try to make new friends, Havoc, I really mean it.”

Havoc sighed. “Alright, I’ll do it. But I’m still giving a brownie to anyone who knocks on the door. Acting all polite and proper would be hiding how I really am.”

Diane rolled her eyes, but said nothing. A few minutes later, when she had already unpacked her luggage and was wondering if she should ask Havoc to soundproof her room so his antics wouldn’t wake her in the middle of the night, she heard a knocking on the main door.

“I’m coming!” Havoc gleefully shouted as he ran towards the door. When he opened it, he found a living stark white human skeleton wearing a blue armor and looking at him with curiosity. “Wow! Too spooky!”

“Yeah, I get that a lot,” the skeleton said without enthusiasm. “You are the new guy, right?”

“Yeah, that’s me. Name’s Havoc,” he said, extending his hand.

“Daniel Garino,” the skeleton replied, shaking Havoc’s hand. “I’m not sure whether I’m glad or not to see a second draconequus living here, though.”

“A second draconequus,” Havoc repeated.

“Yeah, his name is Draken, he lives on the other end of the street.”

“Huh, thanks for the warning. By the way, I made these brownies for anyone who decided to come over to say hi…But now I wonder if…”

“Don’t bother with me, I don’t eat.”

"So... What do you run on?"

“I don’t know, magic.”

“Magic is the explanation to most of what I do, so I won’t question further,” Havoc said as he put the tray full of brownies away.

“I’ve gotta ask… Where are you from?”

“Same, Texas to be precise. We seem to be the majority here, but I’ve met an australian douche and a really disturbing spaniard.”

“Figures. Are there many bronies or…”

“Yeah I was gonna tell you ‘bout that. Around half of us were bronies back on Earth, but some people seem to come from… Let’s say alternate versions of Earth. There’s this fella from a world with a lot of dangerous magic items, and another from a crazy sci-fi world.”

“You don’t say… Oh, do you know if any other human is going to be knighted tonight?”

“Beats me. Well, it’s been a pleasure to meet ya, but there’s a lot of stuff I wanna get done today so I can’t stay around.”

“Until we meet again, then.”

When Daniel was out of sight, Diane approached Havoc. “You’re lucky he couldn’t eat your brownies. I don’t think he would have enjoyed whatever those do to ponies.”

“I guess you’re right. Again. Fine, I won’t trick people into eating these without warning them about their potentially dangerous secondary effects.”

“It’s not that hard, see? If you could live as Golden Shower the accountant for nine months, you can make friends and not make everypony hate you with mean pranks.”

Listening to Diane’s advice, Havoc behaved as more humans visited him along the day. Most of them had turned into furry creatures with varying amounts of power, maturity and mechanical limbs that replaced missing ones. Sadly, none of them accepted Havoc’s brownies once he explained their unusual ingredients. Since people arrived faster than they left, Havoc soon found himself sitting on the living room while drinking tea with five other former humans, while Diane locked herself in a bedroom so they wouldn’t see her. The five of them were roughly human-sized and shaped, but different enough to easily distinguish them from a real human. One of them was a yellow goblin-like creature with a robotic right arm named Slav, who seemed to really enjoy talking about himself. He said that he was a bugbear when Havoc asked him about it. Another was a man named Jaime who had been turned into a female fox-like creature with many tails and a japanese vibe to him/her. Out of all of them, she seemed to be the most level-headed, which wasn’t a real achievement given that most of the humans seemed to be at least mildly insane. There were also a four-winged anthro eagle named Truenus, a jackal-like one whose name Havoc soon forgot, and a weasel-like one who was child-sized.

They were discussing how hard would it be to open a portal to Earth when a dark presence made itself known. Even the non-magical ones could feel it, as shivers running up their spines and a weight in their hearts. Havoc tried to find the source of it, but it seemed to cover the whole area, confusing his senses.

“There he is,” Jaime muttered.

Turning, Havoc found an unsettling being crouching on a corner and moving erratically. It resembled a human, but its whole skin seemed to be made of gray lycra, and its limbs had more joints than they should, some of them bent backwards compared to those of a human. Its face was placed atop of its head, where most of a human’s hair would be, and it resembled a plastic mask instead of an actual face.

“Plastic Pinocchio,” Slav spat. “I was hoping he wouldn’t show up.”

“Is he dangerous?” Havoc asked, getting ready for a fight to the death.

“No, at least for the moment,” Jaime answered. “The Princesses have him on a short leash. He is, after all, the main reason why we have to follow all these new rules.”

“That is hardly fair on me, is it?” Havoc heard inside his mind as Plastic Pinocchio mumbled and gurgled incoherently, its head shaking with violence. The voice was extremely polite and soft, in contrast with the creature in front of him. “It is in the lion’s nature to hunt and devour the gazelle, just as it is in my nature to spread my influence.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” the weasel said.

“Is it, now? Be that as it may, I am not here to discuss my activities. I have come to see the newcomer with my own eyes.” Plastic Pinocchio’s humanoid hand pointed at Havoc, as convulsions shook his head and shoulders. “Havoc the draconequus. I have a message for you, one which you must not divulge, least you bring destruction to all that you hold dear.”

“Tell me, then.”

“Nothing good ever comes out of this one,” Slav said. “Don’t listen to him.”

A thick and redish substance oozed out of Plastic Pinocchio’s mouth and eye sockets as everyone but Havoc collapsed on the floor. Summoning his hammer, Havoc prepared to fight Plastic Pinocchio.

[[Translated version here: Link]]

“No te preocupes, no he venido a luchar. Sólo me he asegurado de que no nos interrumpirán. Puedes comprobarlo por tí mismo, la marca de mi Señor en sus rostros sólo los ha paralizado. Pero aún pueden oírnos, así que no hables en inglés. Sólo tú debes saber esto.”

Confused by Plastic Pinocchio’s sudden change to the only other language he knew, Havoc checked on the others. Pinocchio’s magic had created a mark on each of them: crudely drawn eyes on their closed eyelids. The marks were acting as binding spells, making them unable to do anything other than breathing and weakly whimpering.

“Creo que fuiste demasiado rudo,” Havoc slowly replied, his Spanish rusty after years without speaking it. “Pero escucharé el mensaje, ya que tanta importancia le da.”

Havoc heard faint laughter in his mind before Plastic Pinocchio continued talking through telepathy. “De acuerdo. Mira, cuando veo a una persona por primera vez, sueño con su futuro. Hace meses que vi el tuyo, y desde entonces he querido ponerme en contacto contigo. Desgraciadamente, viajar no es fácil para mí. Cuando supe que te iban a nombrar caballero, decidí reunirme contigo tan pronto como me fuera posible.”

“¿Hace meses? ¿Cuándo?”

“Fue en el Everfree Forest, en el castillo de las princesas. Te vi llegar con un clon de Pinkie Pie, pero me mantuve alejado por si acaso. También soñé con su futuro, pero lo que ví no te incumbe. Iba a contaros lo que ví al día siguiente, pero al ver al draconequus gigante que os acompañaba decidí que era demasiado peligroso. Quizás tuvieras pesadillas esa noche, es un efecto secundario de mi magia. Probablemente las tengas esta noche también, y todos los días que estés cerca de mí durante más de unos segundos.”

“Qué chingada. ¿Pero qué fue lo que vio esa noche?”

“Primero te veo en medio de un desierto, con otra persona. Tenéis una cantimplora violeta y blanca, pero no hay suficiente agua para los dos. Sólo sobrevivirás si le dejas morir de sed. Luego tienes una lámpara mágica. De ella sale un genio que te otorga un deseo. Un deseo egoísta sólo te traerá desdicha. Finalmente, te veo atrapado en un ataúd. Intentar escapar hará que te quedes sin aire antes de que nadie pueda salvarte. Eso es todo lo que ví.”

“¿Por qué las visiones del futuro no pueden ser claras por una vez?”

“Pues si estas te parecen enrevesadas, deberías haber oído las de Celestia y Luna,” Pinocchio’s head shook violently for a few seconds before he continued. Ahora me voy a marchar. Los otros volverán a la normalidad en un minuto.”

Havoc blinked, and in the fraction of a second his eyes were closed, Plastic Pinocchio disappeared. “Well, that was weird.”

One exact minute after Plastic Pinocchio left, the marks on the other chesspieces disappeared as they struggled to get up.

“I hate that guy so much,” Slav said. “What did he tell you?”

“Uh.. He told me that nobody must learn about what he told me.”

“And you are believing him?”

Havoc shrugged. “After what I’ve seen, I don’t want to get on his bad side.”

“I hate Plastic Pinocchio, he always triggers me,” the weasel complained. “I’m going back to my place.”

“Yeah, me too,” Slav said.

They all left at the same time, but Jaime turned to say some last words before going outside. “The last one who trusted in Plastic Pinocchio’s advice for the future suffered a long and terrible death. He claims that he just tells things as he sees them, but I’m sure he twists everything around in order to make you get the worst possible outcome. Be careful, Havoc.”

“I will take that into account. Until we meet again.”

Nodding, Jaime left. A few seconds later, Diane walked downstairs. “That was quite the doozy. I know I told you to make friends, but I won’t complain if you decide not to make friends with that Pinocchio guy.”

“I guess he is the really disturbing spaniard the skeleton guy warned me about. I feel like taking a shower after feeling his magic,” Havoc added, grimacing. Then his ears perked up as an idea sparked in his mind. “Diane, do you feel anything wrong? Maybe his magic can affect you.”

“I feel super duper stupendous,” she chirped, grinning wide. “You don’t need to worry, I’m an adult and I can take care of myself.”

After living with Diane for months, Havoc had learned to distinguish when she was actually cheerful and when she was hiding how annoyed she felt behind the hyper-happy act. This time it was the latter.

“You’re right, but last time you almost died and I can’t stop thinking about it. You are the most important pony in my life, Diane.”

This time she genuinely smiled at him. “You’ll be the first to know if I ever stop feeling healthy as an apple. But, in the meanwhile, stop asking about it every five minutes.”

“Aye, aye. Well, now that it’s just the two of us, I really want to know what you’ve been up to for the last months. There’s only so much letters can tell.”

And just like that, Havoc opened Pandora’s box. A few hours later, Screwball’s return interrupted Diane’s endless recount of her life’s events.

“Wow,” Havoc said when he saw Screwball. She had styled her hair into a ponytail,as well as straightened it. Her eyes no longer looked like spirals, having a common shape and blue hue instead. She wore large saddlebags filled with items, which seemed to be crushing her under their weight, as she was panting and sweating heavily.

“Celestia’s sweaty teats it’s so hot out there,” she cursed as she let her bags fall. “I forgot we are in July. If only I could keep myself cool with magic.”

“Yeah… Now that you mention it, it sure is hot,” Havoc said, having just realized that his magic was the only thing stopping him from feeling like a turkey in an oven. “Uh... What’s with the sudden change of looks?”

“I asked Discord if he could tell Celestia about me so I could stop hiding,” she explained as she caught her breath. “He promised that he will. Eventually. In the meanwhile, he’s given me these magic contact lenses so I can pass for a normal pony. The problem is that doing any magic will turn them off for awhile, so now I have to walk to places and feel the heat like everypony else.”

“So, that’s how you looked like before going all chaotic and stuff?”

“Yep, do you like what you see?” she said as she wiggled her eyebrows, making him laugh.

“Let me help you with those bags.”

As he picked the bags with his wooden hand, Havoc saw a less obvious change in Screwball. “Hey, this wasn’t here before!” he exclaimed, pinching her now noticeable larger belly with his diamond dog hand.

Blushing heavily, Screwball bucked his hand away.

Diane gasped loudly. “Oh my gosh, Havoc! You can’t just call a mare fat like that!”

Havoc’s smirk vanished as he realized how deep he had dug his own grave. “I’m sorry?”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” Screwball coldly replied as her disguise vanished and a humongous mallet appeared on her hooves.

Havoc could only drop the bags on the floor before Screwball’s weapon flattened him against the ground, turning him into a pizza-shaped draconequus.

“For your information, I didn’t know I had gotten so out of shape. I just learned that the same magic that makes my eyes look like this also keeps my body fit. The moment Discord’s magic returned me to my original appearance, all the extra weight I had unknowingly gained revealed itself.”

“Look on the bright side of things,” Havoc said as he waringly glanced at the hammer. “If you had learned about it in a couple of years from now, maybe we would have needed a cart to move you around and a constant chaos magic input to fight back the heart attacks.”

“You want me to hit you again?”

“I’m really sorry for talking without thinking. I still think you are beautiful, though,” he quickly added.

“You’re lucky we have a guest,” she said, pointing at Diane with her mallet. “But you are sleeping on the couch tonight.”

A few seconds later, Screwball’s changed back to her non-chaotic form.

“Now that I’m over the surprise, I really wanna tape that ass.”

“You mean TAP that ass, right?” Diane asked.

“No, I don’t,” he said as a roll of duct tape appeared on his hands.

Screwball glared at him. “Don’t you dare. I’m going to take a shower now. I’m really not in the mood for your antics now, so don’t try anything.”

“So now it’s ‘my’ antics instead of ‘our’ antics?” he asked.

“You two sound like a married couple already! It’s so cute!” Diane said, making both of them sigh.

“Fine, I won’t do anything,” he said as he picked back the saddlebags and took them to the kitchen. “Uh… How did you pay for these?”

“With my money, duh.”

“I had sort of assumed that she had no money at all,” he whispered to Diane, who simply shrugged.

By the time Screwball returned to the living room with a towel wrapped around her mane, Havoc was losing his fifth game of chess in a row against Diane.

“Why are you so good at this?” Havoc asked in frustration.

“It’s not my fault that you are so predictable.”

“Curse your gypsy magic that lets you see what I’m going to do. I yield.”

“Havoc, I think that this Knightbane guy will show up soonish,” Screwball said. “Maybe you should take a shower and get ready for the ceremony.”

After smelling his own armpit and grimacing, Havoc agreed. “I could even trim my beard and stuff while I’m at it,” he thought aloud as he walked upstairs.

“Alright,” Screwball said when Havoc was gone, sitting in front of Diane. “Now that we’re alone, I have a lot of questions. First: how similar to Pinkie Pie are you?”

“Fine by me, but you’ll answer my questions if I answer yours. I have all of Pinkie Pie’s memories until the moment she entered the Mirror Pool. Our lives have been very different from that point, what with her still living with all the ponies I consider my friends and family while I had to leave with Havoc so I wouldn’t die. What’s with you two? First he was trying to hide away from you so you wouldn’t kill him, and now you are a step away from being all lovey-dovey.”

“Back when Discord was imprisoned, he ordered me to kill Havoc. Discord and Havoc’s player aren’t exactly best friends. When he changed his mind regarding friendship and ponies, he told me that, instead of killing Havoc, I had to watch over him to ensure that his player isn’t trying anything. I guess that, after living with him for a couple of months, I have grown fond of that idiot. How long did you two live together? He’s never been very talkative about the time between my last fight against him and the Gem Fido war.”

“Around nine months. We moved to Trottingham and lived like regular ponies. Save for the tyrannical ruler who was a human turned into thestral which we had to overthrown with the help of the rightful ruler of the city, everything was pretty normal. How did you become a ‘chaos pony created by Discord’?”

Screwball told her the story behind her transformation, and they continued exchanging questions for several minutes. When Havoc returned, his fur clean and shiny and his beard trimmed into a less hobo-like shape, they were chatting about more trivial topics.

“I just don’t know how diamond dogs are supposed to participate in the Equestria Games,” Screwball said. “Most of the games are designed around pegasi and griffons already, and last I checked dogs couldn’t fly. The games in which they CAN participate will be incredibly one-sided in most cases. Nopony can hope to beat a diamond dog in boxing or weightlifting, but ponies are faster in long distance races.”

“I guess they will compete against each other, like how griffons never compete against ponies in swimming.”

“Oh, there you are,” Screwball said when she noticed Havoc. “You didn’t leave the bathroom covered with your hairs, did you?”

“Don’t worry about that, I made sure everything was clean up there. I have always found hairs on the bathtub really gross. Oh, Screwball, I have been thinking…”

“About time you did,” Diane piped in, making them groan.

“If people see you coming in and out of the house… Won’t they start making questions?”

“I’ve got it covered. Many of the others humans have housekeepers, either because they spend a lot of time out of Canterlot, or because they are dumb teenagers who would end up starving and setting everything on fire by accident.”

“I love that alibi, what about you?” he asked Diane.

“I’m leaving in a few days so I’ll just stay out of sight. It’ll be like playing hide and seek. I also learned to do this.”

Diane produced her fake element of Laughter and put it on around her neck. After gleaming briefly, the necklace changed her appearance, turning her into a white pegasus with a yellow mane.

“Surprise!”

“Of course you had to say that. Well, that’s good enough for me. Now we only need to wait for that changeling to come over.”

As if on cue, they all heard someone knocking on the door.

“I really need to check if that happens because of sheer luck or if there’s some magic shenanigans behind it,” Havoc wondered aloud while Screwball and Diane went upstairs to stay out of sight.

“Sup?” Knightbane said as Havoc opened the door. “Did you make lots of friends while I was away?”

“Yeah, I met this Plastic Pinocchio guy. I think we’ll be best friends in no time.”

“Please tell me you’re joking,” he said, dismayed.

“Don’t worry, I’d rather never see that… man again.”

Knightbane breathed in relief. “Had me worried for a second. Well, time’s a wastin’ so follow me.”

“There’s some serious knighting to be done,” Havoc said as they flew towards the palace.

32: With "Great" Power Comes Unwanted Responsibilities

“Well, that was boring,” Havoc said as he and a hundred recently knighted ponies walked out of the palace. He had struggled to stand still for the four hours of knighting ceremony, and now he felt like he was about to explode.

“Sun princess talks much,” agreed one of the few diamond dogs who had been knighted. “Makes head hurt.”

“Well, I thought it was a beautiful ceremony,” a green unicorn said. “It’s a great honor to be knighted by Princess Celestia herself.”

“Yep, we’re all knights of Equestria now. Sir Havoc has a nice ring to it. Maybe now you horses will show some respect.”

“Keep dreaming,” Cloudy Sunset said as she flew atop Havoc’s head and messed with his hair. “By the way, me and a couple of guys are going to have some fun in a pub a couple of blocks away. Will you and the mutts come?”

“Of course we will, won’t we?” he said as he elbowed the closest diamond dog, who grinned and nodded.

“We have fun later,” the dog said. “Now we find son of Alpha Drogur. He has message for dogs and you. You come with me.”

“Uh… sure?” Havoc said as he followed the dog through the crowd of ponies. As they walked, the other diamond dogs joined them, and soon Havoc found himself walking through empty corridors with five diamond dogs. Eventually, they reached an anodyne door and one of them knocked on it.

“Come in,” a gruff voice ordered from the other side.

Behind the door, Havoc found Gwar and Princess Luna sitting on armchairs and drinking tea. The dogs kneeled as soon as they saw her, one of them pulling Havoc down so he would also kneel.

“Ah, here are our newest knights,” Luna said. “This is my cue to leave. We’ll continue tomorrow after the sunrise, if it suits you.”

“It does, Queen Moon,” Gwar said, bowing his head as Luna left the room. Only after she was outside and the door was closed did he turn to face Havoc and the dogs. “It’s been a long time since we last smelled each other, Havoc.”

“True, true. You’ve grown a lot since last time. Your father told me you had outgrown him, but I thought he was exaggerating. Are you taller than your uncle, maybe?”

“Not yet. Take a seat, all of you. There are some things you must know, now that you’re knights. The first thing is that, as the first diamond dogs and whatever-you-are to ever be knighted, you’ll be under scrutiny at all times, so stay away from trouble. You-”

“What’s ‘scrutiny’?” one of the dogs asked.

“It means that many ponies will want to know everything you do just so they can point out all the bad things. You haven’t been knighted just for how good you are at fighting or how heroic you are. You are the first diamond dog knights because you have shown that you can make friends with ponies and behave like civilized individuals instead of rabid idiots. Yes, that’s why my father and I taught the five of you and a few others how to eat without grossing ponies out, how to talk like them and what you shouldn’t talk about,” Gwar stopped for a few seconds, until it became clear that none of them had questions. “The second thing is that each of you will soon be sent to an Equestrian city. Your mission there will be to ensure that there’s no bad blood between ponies and dogs, and to help any diamond dog who fears ponies won’t listen to his problems.”

Gwar continued talking about what the diamond dogs would have to do in their new positions. Basically, he wanted them to test just how ready pony society was to have diamond dogs both as citizens and members of their governing organisms, and to report any issues to Canterlot. Eventually, Gwar asked all of them to leave him and Havoc alone.

“So much has changed since the days when you lived in Granite Back,” he began, massaging his temples. “I’m not like my father, you know? All of this: diamond dog knights, Gem Fido united under a single flag, ponies and diamond dogs as friends and equals… This is his dream, not mine. All I wanted was to live in Granite Back and be the Alpha and lead or let my brother Marius boss around while I fight aspirants as the Beta. My father wants me to stay here and mingle with nobility to try to make them accept the idea of having diamond dogs among them.

This is what is going to happen: I’m going to return to Granite Back and rule the warren, now that my father is too busy to act as a proper Alpha for his own clan. Meanwhile, you will perform some of my duties here, until we find someone else. Queen Moon knows you well, and you are quite powerful on your own. So, you can ask her directly to deal with issues in which influence and political power are needed; and you can also use your own power if brute strength is the only solution. I’m not a fool, I know there are several ponies who simply hate diamond dogs for what we are. There might be times when the only thing stopping ponies from rioting and killing every dog they see is the fact that you can single handedly level the town. My assistant will get in touch with you soon, and she’ll help you in any way she can. Any questions?”

“Uh…”

“Great, you may leave now,” Gwar quickly said as he basically pushed Havoc out of the room before locking it.

Havoc stared at the door for a few seconds before muttering a single word: “Shit.”

The next morning, Havoc slept peacefully. After speaking with Gwar, he had found the place Cloudy Sunset told him about and proceeded to drink his weight in booze. He had hoped that alcohol would make him forget the fact that he had just been forced to become a key part of the plan to integrate diamond dogs in pony society, and that fucking up would have disastrous consequences. The Sun had just started to rise, so a giant bat spawned from the chaos in Havoc’s bedroom to cover the windows by spreading out its wings. The only disturbance in his sleep had been a terrible nightmare, but Luna had entered Havoc’s dream and destroyed the nightmare in mere seconds, only to leave after telling Havoc that if he decided to spend too much time with Plastic Pinocchio she wouldn’t get rid of the nightmares caused by his aura.

Everything was perfect, until a loud knocking on the front door woke Havoc up “I’m gonna fucking kill whoever woke me up,” he muttered as he crawled out of his afro american bed, make the bat disappear with a snap of his fingers and stuck his head out of the window so he could see who was at the door. The only thing he managed to glimpse was a pale blue tail moving into his house, and Screwball closing the door.

Groaning, he made his way towards the living room, listening to Screwball talk with the unknown pony. “Yeah, he’s hired me as a housekeeper because it’s really hard for him to clean and cook without leaving everything worse than it once was. It’s my first day so I don’t really know how weird he is or if I’m biting more than I can chew. We’ll see, I guess.”

“So you come here daily?” a very familiar voice, that Havoc knew he should recognise, asked.

“Sort of. You see, I’m from Ponyville and I just moved here, catastrophic events are just too common in Ponyville. I can’t really afford a house here, so part of my payment for working here is a room. A temporal arrangement while I save money and find somewhere else to live.”

“We’re saving so much money, it’s crazy,” Havoc said as he entered the living room. He could see Screwball (in her “non-chaotic” self) standing near a couch that faced away from him, where the unknown pony was probably sitting. “Isn’t that right, uh… What was your name, again?” he asked Screwball, wondering if she would use a fake name.

“My name’s Screwball, sir Havoc.”

“Right. Now, I would like to know who our early-rising guest is,” he added, walking around the couch to see. His mouth dropped open when he saw a female unicorn with a blue coat, pale blue mane and a cutie mark shaped like a magic wand casting a spell. For some reason, The Great and Powerful Trixie was in his house. “Silly Screwball, Trix are for kids! I can’t eat this.”

Screwball rubbed her forehead with a hoof, completely done with Havoc’s shit, while Trixie looked at him in confusion until he decided to continue speaking. “What’s The Great and Powerful Trixie doing here?”

“Ah… Trixie didn’t expect you to know about her, sir Havoc.”

“I’ve lived in Ponyville for some time, disguised as a pony, so I can’t help but wonder if you are planning to add draconequus major to your list of vanquished creatures by defeating a draconequus minor.”

“What?! Oh, no, nonono! Trixie will never again claim to have vanquished anything larger than a bathtub!” she quickly said. “Sir Havoc, Trixie knows that she didn’t make a good first impression in Ponyville, but Trixie’s here for a completely different matter. Lord Gwar told Trixie that he was leaving Canterlot, and that you will be replacing him for some time. Trixie’s here to assist you in any way she can.”

“YOU are Gwar’s assistant?” Havoc asked, incredulous. “How does one go from traveling magician to personal assistant of one of the most important diamond dogs in the world?”

“Trixie has dealt with diamond dogs before, in relatively non-hostile circumstances, which is more than most ponies can say. Gwar and Trixie met by chance on the road, and he recognised Trixie. He asked Trixie to work for him at Canterlot, and The Great and Powerful Trixie accepted his generous offer.”

“Well, if Gwar thought you were a good fit for this position, then so do I. Now, since you’ve come so early in the morning, I fear that there’s a lot you have to tell me. Screwball, please fetch us breakfast. I can’t think on an empty stomach.”

“Right away, sir Havoc.”

“Not for me, I already ate.”

Screwball soon returned with some of the brownies Havoc created the previous day, as well as a large vegetarian sandwich. She managed not to laugh when she saw Havoc rubbing the back of his head in frustration as Trixie explained just what he had gotten himself into.

“Trixie, let’s postpone the business talk until I’m done eating, alright?” Havoc asked. “Since you won’t have your mouth full, why don’t you tell me about yourself? If I’m going to work with you, I’d like to know you better.”

Trixie’s eyes sparkled at the idea of speaking about her favorite topic: herself. She didn’t talk about her origins, starting just after her second appearance in Ponyville. Apparently, she had continued living as a traveling magician until she decided to pull a magic show for a reclusive diamond dog clan that lived in the border between Equestria and Gem Fido. He supposed ability to detect gem prompted them to crown her as their queen, using powerful magic to force her to remain in their city forever. Only thanks to Rainbow Dash’s help did she manage to leave and resume her life. A few weeks later she met Gwar, and for the last two months she had been working for him

“Trixie does miss travelling and doing what her cutie mark tells her to, but it is nice to live in a real house and not worry about making ends meet, or even managing to get something to eat by the end of the day. Speaking of that, watching you eat has given Trixie a bit of a craving,” she added, picking one of the brownies and taking a bite out of it before Havoc could warn her. “Why are you looking at Trixie like that?”

“Those aren’t regular brownies, Trixie. I… sort of spiked them with my magic and I don’t really know what will happen to a pony after eating them.”

“You’re kidding, right?” she asked, and grimaced when he shook his head. “Trixie hopes you’ll take me to the hospital if I get sick.”

“You didn’t eat much so it should be fine, I think, and I should be able to just get rid of the effects as soon as they appear; so don’t worry about it and tell me about what I’m supposed to do.”

Trixie breathed deeply and then continued talking, seemingly unfazed. They had agreed to finish bringing Havoc up to speed in Gwar’s former office so he could take a look at the place when the spiked brownie started to affect Trixie. She screamed, frightened, as her hind legs and tail fused back into her torso, which then grew several times longer. At the same time, her skin was replaced by scales, and her tongue became forked. In just a couple of seconds, she had become some sort of pony-snake hybrid.

“Trixxxie hopesss thissss isssn’t permanent!” she exclaimed.

“This is so cool,” Havoc muttered. “I need to give these brownies to everypony.”

“Sir Havoc, please turn her back to normal,” Screwball asked. “She’s clearly in distress.”

Trixie was truly distressed, muttering obscenities whenever she moved her giant tail around. “Yesss, pleassse fixxx thisss.”

“Fine, fine.” Focusing, Havoc managed to discern Trixie’s natural magic from the chaos magic that was altering her body. He found that nothing was trying to stop him from taking this magic, so he did and Trixie turned back to normal instantly. “Well, now I know what happens to ponies who eat my brownies.”

“Don’t worry, Trixie!” Trixie said in a mockup male voice. “‘Havoc might be a draconequus, but he’s not a chaos-loving zealot and he won’t do anything weird to you!” Turning back to her real voice, she continued talking. “If you say so, Lord Gwar, then Trixie will give it a chance at helping him.”

“Well, I didn’t DIRECTLY mess with you. It was more of a happy accident.”

“One more ‘happy accident’ like that and I’m resigning.”

“Oh, come on! I really need your help, Trixie. Diamond dogs all over Equestria rely on me now, and if I fail at this both them and ponies will suffer for it. I can’t promise that accidents won’t happen here and there, it’s part of my nature no matter how much I try to avoid it. I promise I’ll do everything I can so you can’t tell the difference between working with me and working with anyone else, and when strange stuff does happen I’ll do my best to make it stop.”

Trixie remained silent for a few seconds, considering his words before replying. “Trixie thinks you are telling the truth. You know where Gwar’s office is, we’ll continue there at 4 pm. Trixie has decided that staying in your house is a terrible idea.”

“Well, this wasn’t the best of the first impressions, was it? See you later,” Havoc said as she walked out of the house.

“I honestly expected her to catch on fire after eating that,” Screwball said after Trixie was gone. “I can’t stand the way she talks.”

“Havoc doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

“At least she’s good at rock farming,” Diane said, coming out of seemingly nowhere. “And I think Maud and her were together last time Pinkie visited the farm, about a month before she created me. Sometimes I feel like trying to visit them with nopony noticing it wasn’t the original Pinkie Pie.”

“Wait, wasn’t Maud that autistic sister of yours who really, really likes rocks?”

“Yeah, that’s her. She’s such a softie, it’s totally like her to fall madly in love with Trixie.”

“... If you say so. Hm… Now that you mentioned visiting your family, I think you and I should talk to Celestia and Luna. Moonbutt knows about you, so Sunbutt probably does too. We could ask them to tell Twilight and the others about you, so you can visit them and all of those things you can’t do just in case Twilight decides to murderzap you back to the Mirror Pool.”

“No,” Diane said, no longer cheerful. “Part of me likes the idea, but it would make things worse. Going back to Ponyville with my family and friends would be great, and at first I would love it. But, in the end, I would become The Fake Pinkie Pie, and I would always live under the original’s shadow as a reminder of an error she once made, like an ugly scar. I like it in Trottingham, and I want to continue living there. Someday I’ll reveal myself, but it won’t be anytime soon. I fear I’m still too similar to the original Pinkie Pie. I want to be myself, not somepony else’s copy.”

“Looks like you’ve thought this through already,” Havoc wondered, and Diane nodded in confirmation. “Then I only ask one thing: invite me to the ‘I have found I have a twin sister’ party.”

“I Pinkie Promise,” she said, smiling.

“Alright, enough of the emotive stuff for me,” Screwball said. “Havoc, yesterday I met with some of the ponies I used to play baseball with before Discord’s release. I’ve convinced them to play again regularly for old time’s sake, and as a way for us to get a healthy dose of exercise. I thought I had lost my shape, but I swear some of them look like they are half manatee already. I also might or might not want to socialize with ponies instead of just you and Discord. I’ll be back for lunch, maybe. You’ll manage without me.”

“Uh… Alright. Have fun.”

When she was done, Diane turned to face Havoc. “You really need to speak with her before it’s too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“Trust me on this: she’s at the brink of breaking.”

“What? Why? Are you two trying to prank me or what?”

“I’m the one with the ‘making ponies happy’ cutie mark, but I’ll explain it so you understand. Screwball was already pretty messed up in the head. A pony who spends most of her childhood and adolescence working for the legendary Spirit of Chaos in exchange for magic is already weird. Then Discord breaks free and turns her into what she is now. You’ve told me many times how chaos magic twists the way you think, and how sometimes it’s really hard for you to think like a normal person. She’s probably going through the same thing. Then take into account that she sees Discord as a fatherly figure, and he’s probably not returning those feelings as he should. He also probably twisted her into hating harmony, order and all things non-chaotic. Then he ordered her to kill you, and Celestia knows what else she’s done in his name.

And, suddenly, Discord breaks free again and decides that we ponies are cool and that friendship is magic. And he tells her exactly that, and to live with you even though you two almost killed each other twice, and that she can’t be seen by anypony save for you and himself. Then she had to spent several months as your shadow, her only social life being talking to you, even if you two still hated each other. Then you become friends so the arrangement becomes more bearable, and now you two are pretty much play-dating.

Do you really think that all these drastic changes aren’t taking their toll on her? Why do you think she’s gone to play with these old friends of her? She’s trying to force herself to forget about her problems by staying away from them. At this rate it’s a matter of time before she just runs away, has a meltdown and tries to kill anything on sight, or grows hateful against you and Discord and depressed because he used her as a tool for which he never had any love.

You need to speak with her, and help her solve her issues. I know because I was in her position, back when we first met. Sometimes what you need the most is just to have something listen to your problems and tell you that everything will be alright. She needs to come to terms with the fact that Discord is neither the father she never met nor a proper replacement, and that many of the beliefs Discord taught her are plain wrong.”

“I- I never thought… She always… Shit, I think you’re right… How have I managed without you for so many months?”

Diane shrugged. “Knowing you, you probably just focused on the fighting and neglected pretty much everything else.”

“I think that I need to speak with Discord first. He has to see Screwball under this new light, and realize that she needs his help, too. But maybe he won’t listen to me…”

“Have Fluttershy help you,” Diane suggested. “Visit her, or have her and Discord come here. I’m sure you’ll come up with a good reason. She won’t dismiss your words and, knowing that somepony is suffering, she won’t stop until Discord does the right thing.”

“I’ll come up with a reason for her to visit. Maybe wanting to spend time getting to know all of the element bearers one by one in a casual setting without drama or violence or impending doom.”

“Start tomorrow with Fluttershy. I’ll leave that morning so there’s no risk of her seeing me. The sooner you do this, the better for everypony involved.”

“Help me write Fluttershy a letter. This is too important and I want you to make sure I won’t fuck up.”

“I’ll read it when you’re done, but I’m sure you won’t ‘fuck up’,” she said, hugging him. “If you honestly put your heart into it, everything will be alright.”

Havoc returned the hug, deciding not to ruin it with an unfunny one liner.

33: The Fool

After living in Canterlot for two months, Havoc finally felt at home in the city. It hadn’t been easy, though. Havoc had soon found himself nearly overwhelmed by the kind of problems he hated the most: those he couldn’t solve with violence. Replacing Gwar had been surprisingly simple, as Trixie was rather self-sufficient, so more often than not he only needed to sign the documents she filled for him and read the important looking ones to have a general idea of what was going on. There had been only one time when Havoc had been forced to intervene, when a bunch of rural ponies had decided to lynch any diamond dog who “dared” to enter their village. After discussing with the princesses what he could and couldn’t do, he had resorted to assuming his diamond dog form and simply walking to the town. He had kept up the charade until he was certain that most of the culprits had gathered to see how he was hanged, and then he had turned back to his original form, making shackles and chains bind all of the surprised ponies. His inner Social Justice Warrior he hated so much had smiled with joy when the score of royal guards who had been waiting outside of town took the still shocked ponies away.

Dealing with Screwball had been a completely different matter. Havoc had met Fluttershy as soon as he had been able to, and then had basically told her everything he knew about Discord and Screwball. With a look of determination, Fluttershy had shouted Discord’s name the moment Havoc was done. The next two hours were very upsetting and extenuating for all of them, with Discord trying to avoid the problem as hard as he could while Fluttershy refused to yield until he promised that he would try his best to amend his errors. As he promised, he shot Havoc a venomous glare that scared the shit out of him, and after that they had the most awkward and forced tea conversation ever.

Things got progressively worse after Discord apologized to Screwball for how he’d used her. Knowing what he had to look for, Havoc couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed how Screwball felt. She was like a building with cracks running through it all, just a step away from breaking. He could only try to help her and hope that she would be able to repair the damage on her own. Discord telling her how sorry he was for having messed her up opened the wounds, allowing them to heal but making her hurt more than before. Some days she would refuse to know anything about magic, avoiding Havoc and her own powers as much as possible. Then there were the days when all she did was wallowing in her own magic, forcing Havoc to say he was the one behind all the chaotic occurrences to keep others from learning about her.

Luckily, she slowly overcame her issues as days passed. A month after they arrived at Canterlot, she had improved greatly. She had come to terms with the fact that she had wasted most of her life serving a mad spirit of chaos who had almost stopped caring about her the moment she outlived her usefulness, but she needed more time before she would be able to get it behind her for real. At the same time, however, she had distanced herself from Havoc. She told him that she no longer knew whether she still wanted to have anything to do with Discord or not, and that he reminded her of Discord too much to be comfortable around him. After that, she had moved to Ponyville, where she planned to live a normal life until she made up her mind.

Finding himself alone, Havoc had then decided to make new friends with his fellow humans. After meeting many of his neighbours, he had bonded with four of them enough to call them friends. They all had gone through similar experiences, including ponies being downright hostile towards them at times due to their appearance, so he found he had more in common with them than with most other humans in Canterlot. One of them was Jaime, the man who had been turned into an anthro female fox, who was the sanest of the group by a long mile. There was also Sylas, who had been turned into some sort of powerful draconic creature, about the size of a very big human. After months unsuccessfully trying to convince dragons to abandon their greedy and violent ways, he had moved to Canterlot to find others willing to help him achieve that goal. He could be a bit overwhelming sometimes, and he seemed to enjoy the sound of his own voice too much. Despite that, he was always up for having fun and was as loyal as they come.

The third of Havoc’s friends, Comodo, had been turned into a griffon from Saddle Arabia. Unlike “normal griffons, Saddle Arabia’s ones looked like a mix of vulture and jackal, looking thin and sickly in comparison. He didn’t like to talk about what he had done before going to Canterlot, but Havoc suspected that something terrible had happened to him. Comodo had admitted that he could do magic, mainly necromancy, but using such arts in Canterlot would likely make him spent the rest of his life in jail or Tartarus. His greatest power, however, was his non-literal silver tongue, as he could get almost anyone to do what he wanted just by talking them into it.

The last member of the group, Shoes, was the strangest by far. The former human had become a living crystal the size of a pumpkin. He depended on his magic for everything, from levitating around to communicating via telepathy. His new form had also given him a vast knowledge of magic, which made him a lethal foe if angered. Even though chaos magic wasn’t his forte, he had managed to explain to Havoc most of the theory behind how his powers worked, and even suggested him a few ways to use his magic that could help him, such as changing the probability of certain things happening when he needed to. Soft-spoken and kind, he was a great friend whose only problem was that he sometimes could disappear from the radar, only to reappear a week later talking about the latest spell he had helped to create.

Unfortunately, peace didn’t last for Havoc. Seventy days after first arriving at Canterlot, he felt a burning pain while Trixie was handing him his daily dose of paperwork. After a few seconds of confusion, he realized what he had just felt: the leaf from his arm he had given Comet Tail in Trottingham when he left, with orders to burn it if they ever were in danger.

“Trixie, a magic alarm I placed a year ago has gone off,” Havoc explained. “I need you to warn the Princesses about a possible catastrophe taking place in Trottingham. I’m going to travel there right now, and if what I’ve felt isn’t a false alarm I might need backup. Alicorn-sized backup.”

Having learned to tell when Havoc was genuinely serious, Trixie nervously nodded just before he teleported away. Using a trick Shoes had taught him, Havoc turned his body into pure energy and travelled through one of the many ley lines that crossed under Canterlot: the invisible but immensely powerful underground links between places of magical power that spanned all over the planet, connecting said places like a living being’s veins. This allowed him to move at great speeds with little cost of energy, at the risk of being overwhelmed (and instantly killed) by the powerful magical currents. In just under twenty minutes, he had covered the considerable distance between both cities, returning to the surface just a few kilometers away from Trottingham. From there, he only needed to teleport a dozen of times before he appeared right in front of Comet Tail. He found her curled into a ball under a table in her house, his leaf slowly burning between her hooves.

“Oh, thanks Celestia you’re here,” she said, jumping out of her hiding spot and hugging him. “Now we might have a chance.”

“What’s going on?”

“Just an hour ago, Discord appeared in the middle of the market place, accompanied by a terrible monster,” she explained, not daring to raise her voice. “The monster then opened its mouth and the magic of all the ponies in the area was stolen by it. Those of us who weren’t too close managed to get away, but I keep hearing the cries of ponies as Discord seizes them up so the monster can steal their magic.”

“Discord?! But, he had turned good!” Havoc exclaimed. “This is bad. I can’t fight Discord. I’m nothing against him.”

“Then take us away, you can teleport ponies. Take us to Canterlot.”

“I can’t do that, either. I’m not strong enough and Discord would catch up with us. Have you seen Diane?”

“No, she must have been working in the castle when this happened.”

“Alright, listen: I’ll go after the creature and try to destroy it before Discord finds a way to stop me. There are some magics placed on me that don’t allow Discord to harm me. What does the creature look like?”

“It’s looks like a minotaur from the waist up, but it’s lower half is like a pony’s body, four legs and all. It’s also big, really big, and black and red.”

That sounds familiar, and not in a good way. Not at all. Havoc thought as he remembered the only centaur to ever appear in the My Little Pony franchise. “Stay here and don’t come out until it’s safe,” he said as he teleported towards the large and ominous magical presence he had felt as soon as he reached the city’s outskirts.

This time, he appeared several meters behind his objective. The creature matched Comet’s description, resembling a centaur, if centaurs were half pony and half minotaur, with roughly Havoc’s size and a black and red color scheme. There was no doubt for Havoc: this was Tirek’s G4 version. This Tirek was powerful, but Havoc had expected much more. Any adult dragon would easily surpass him in raw power, and Havoc himself had a similar amount of magic at his disposal at the moment. Sensing his presence, Tirek turned around, staring at him in confusion.

“Who are you supposed to be?” he asked, his voice powerful and masculine.

“I am Havoc, and I’ve come to put a stop to this,” Havoc replied as he summoned Infernal Soul, internally grimacing at how edgy and tryhard his phrase had sounded.

Tirek laughed at his words, then opened his mouth wide. Havoc felt the centaur’s power trying to steal his magic but, after months fighting orthros in Gem Fido, he had learned to fight back such techniques. When Tirek realized that Havoc was actively stopping him from draining his magic, he stopped trying and eyed him carefully.

“You are stronger than you seem. Unfortunately for you, I’m not alone. Discord!”

“What is it, pal?” Discord’s voice asked as his body materialized in front of him. He raised an eyebrow when he saw Havoc. “What are you doing here? Is this about Screwball, because now is not exactly the time for that.”

“You stupid piece of shit, you’ve turned evil again!” Havoc spat. “Have you forgotten that this is a show for little girls? Bad guys never win!”

“Havoc, Havoc, Havoc,” Discord said in a patronizing tone. “That’s not how it works, at all. Now, please stay out of the way.”

“Just get rid of him, Discord,” Tirek said. “If you don’t, he’ll betray our actions to the princesses before we’re ready for them.”

“I would, but he’s one of the pieces.”

Tirek growled. “You chose the worst possible time to start this game of yours, pal. Well, let’s play by the rules, for once. My piece versus this insolent mortal who thinks he can stop me.”

A sphere of powerful magic appeared between his horns, looking like a miniature sun with black ripples crossing it. At the same time, a huge circular portal appeared in front of him. Havoc took a step back when a massive scaled claw stepped out of it, followed by the rest of the body. From the portal emerged a dragon with two heads, its power beyond anything Havoc had felt before.

“Havoc, Hygorrkon. Hygorrkon, Havoc,” Discord introduced them. “You two have fun while we take all the magic in this city.”

The two headed dragon roared as he charged, forcing Havoc to dodge. Lightning bursted from Havoc’s fingertips, but Hygorrkon’s scales barely registered the attack. Hygorrkon’s right head turned and released a burst of fire so hot it melted the cobblestones under him, so Havoc teleported away from the attack. The first thing he saw after appearing was Hygorrkon’s second maw reaching towards him. Hitting it with his hammer, he forced it to retreat, but it didn’t cause any noticeable damage.

Even though Hygorrkon was quite smaller than some of the adult dragons Havoc had fought during the Gem Fido war, the speed and power behind each of his attacks made him deadlier than the relatively clumsy dragons. He continued exchanging attacks, trying to find an opening to finish him in one hit. Eventually, Hygorrkon’s left claw got stuck on a wall after punching through it. Havoc then made Infernal Soul appear, and landed a powerful hit against the dragon’s exposed chest. The attack made Hygorrkon drop dead, copious amounts of boiling blood spraying all over the place. Havoc turned away, already trying to find Tirek’s magical aura, when he felt that Hygorrkon wasn’t as dead as he though. The dragon’s magic burned itself healing the lethal wound, restoring him to full health but making him a tad smaller at the same time.

“your gona pay 4 that,” Hygorrkon’s left head said. “you’re choas magik cant win”

“I have no idea what you just said,” Havoc replied, surprised by the fact that Hygorrkon could talk. “Why are you trying to kill me, anyways? Tirek is the bad guy, and you don’t have to obey him if you don’t want to.”

“psssh…nothin personnel...kid…” the right head said as they attacked again.

This time, Havoc replied by attacking back. He created several magical copies of him which would disintegrate upon touching anything solid, but which succeeded in confusing Hygorrkon and letting Havoc slip through his defense. Havoc’s attack managed to cut clean Hygorrkon’s left wing, making the dragon shrink again as a new wing grew from the stump in a few seconds.

“thats no fair u kno??? fight liek a tru man!!1!” the left head shouted.

“Oh my fucking god, your voice is giving me a headache!” Havoc complained as he attacked again, only to be swatted away by Hygorrkon’s brand new wing.

“ur gona burn!” the right head said just before breathing fire in Havoc’s direction.

Unable to teleport in time, Havoc had to raise a magic barrier to protect himself. However, the raw power behind the flames overwhelmed the weaker sections of his uneven barrier, charring parts of his body.

“his still alibe, burn him moar!” the left head said.

“why are yuo talkin insteed of burnin him to your wastin our tiem?”

“shutup its you’re fault he attak my wing.”

“wat are yuo talkinabout??? its not my fault???”

While the heads bickered at each other in their incomprehensible language, Havoc healed his wounds and sneaked on them. When they began to try to bite each other, he attacked the left one’s neck with all his strength. The axe beheaded the dragon in one hit, the remaining head crying in pain as his body’s size became several times smaller. Havoc continued to attack, not allowing the dragon to heal in time. When the wounds stopped closing themselves, Havoc found that Hygorrkon had become roughly human sized. He prepared to hit it one last time with Infernal Soul, just in case it wasn’t dead yet, when the gory remains were engulfed in fire, forcing him to take a few steps back.

A few seconds later, the fire extinguished, revealing that Hygorrkon had managed to heal by assuming a less threatening form. Gone were his dagger-like teeth, ripping muscles and firebreath hotter than a volcano; everything replaced by little more than a parody of what a dragon should be.

“your gona pay for this,” the left head, which hadn’t managed to regrow a full neck, threatened Havoc.

“Nope,” Havoc said as he grabbed each head with a hand and tightened his grip until crushing them, oblivious to their screams. Wiping away the blood and brains from his hands, he waited until he was certain that Hygorrkon had died for real. “Well, that was way easier than I expected. Now, where the h-”

A massive blast of chaos magic in the distance interrupted Havoc’s train of thought. As he turned towards its source, he realized it had come from Trottingham’s castle. When he teleported there, the first thing he saw was Tirek laying on a smoking crater in the middle of the castle’s yard, barely conscious. The next thing he saw was Discord holding Diane with one hand while trying to take her necklace off with the other.

“How did you even manage to charge this thing with so much magic?” he asked as he ignored the powerful blasts of energy the necklace attacked him with. “Little clones shouldn’t play with such powerful weapons, anyways.”

Havoc punched Discord in the face, but he only managed to break his diamond dog hand against Discord’s face, which had become harder than steel.

“You do realize that, now that you have attacked me, I can fight back, right?” Discord say as he smirked.

“Oh, please do!” Havoc taunted, making Discord frown in suspicion. “That’s what Disharmony wanted since the very beginning. I realized it months ago. She’s always wanted me to make you angry enough to attack me. Fall in her trap and die, you betraying son of a bitch!”

Havoc’s words made Discord stroke his beard, thinking about what to do next. Seizing his opportunity, Havoc snatched Diane out of Discord’s grasp and teleported as far away as he could.

“Fuck! Shit! Shit! Fuck!” he cursed between each teleport until Trottingham was no longer in sight. “Diane! Why in Hell did you attack them? The only reason you’re still alive is because I was there to save you!”

“I’m magic and water shaped into a pony, Havoc. What do you think will happen to me if that minotaur takes away the magic part? I hoped I would manage to kill him before he turned me into a lifeless puddle of water.”

“Fuck, you might be right. You’re safe now, so we have to get to Canterlot right now and warn the princesses. Does your necklace have enough mojo to make us go faster? I burned myself pretty badly with the teleports.”

“Hold tight, we’re going for a ride!” she exclaimed as her necklace engulfed them in light and made them fly at a high speed. “I sure hope I’m going in the right direction!”

“I think you are!” Havoc said.

Thanks to Diane’s unsuspectedly powerful necklace, they reached Canterlot in less than an hour. Not wanting to waste any extra second, Havoc dropped Diane and charged towards the palace’s gates, shouting the guards to open them so he wouldn’t have to crash through. After a minute running through the palace’s corridors, he barged open the doors that led to the throne room where Celestia and Luna often held audiences.

“Havoc!” Celestia exclaimed. “Your assistant told us about what you felt. Are you back from Trottingham already?”

“Yes! Discord has sided with Tirek and is helping him take magic out of ponies!” he shouted, and then stopped to breathe, winded after his sprint.

Luna and Celestia eyed each other with worry. “Are you sure?”

“I am. The only reason I could escape is that they can’t attack me unless I hit first.”

“Then this crisis is worse than we ever dared to imagine. You’ve proved yourself once again by warning us about this new development,” Luna said. “Return to your home and await for our orders. We might need your help to see the end of this.”

“Your wishes are my commands, princesses,” Havoc said, as he had been told to do shortly after being knighted in order to follow the knights’ costumes and codes. Bowing, he left the throne room, this time walking at a normal pace.

“What are we going to do now?” Diane asked as Havoc reunited with her.

“I am going to stay here because I’ve been ordered to do exactly that. You, however, are going to take the first train straight to the Crystal Empire, where you’ll be safe as long as the Crystal Heart is around. With a bit of luck we’ll take Discord and Tirek down before they cause much damage, but I’m not risking it.”

“Well, at least I’ll get to see the Crystal Empire now that it’s not controlled by Sombra. Please be careful, and try to find Screwball before she learns about this. After all that she’s gone through, discovering that Discord has gone back to his old ways, essentially betraying her once again, could either break her or make her react in a drastic way.”

“Shit, you’re right. I need to go find her right now. Stay safe, Diane. Even if you have to end up hiding under a rock in the middle of nowhere, never let Tirek get close to you.”

“Don’t worry about me, Havoc. I can take care of myself, really.”

“Alright, come back to Canterlot when it’s all over. I want you to be there when they make me a stained glass window to immortalize how awesome I am.”

After a brief laugh and a briefer hug, Diane and Havoc parted ways, wondering if they would see each other ever again.

Author's Note

I'm not happy with how this chapter turned out, but it's still a better love story than ~~Twilight~~ Fifty Shades of Grey so it's fine.

34: Last Stand

It only took Havoc fifteen minutes to fly from Canterlot to Ponyville, even taking into account the delay he suffered when he spotted Twilight Sparkle flying on the opposite direction and turned invisible to avoid having to interact with her. Too worried about Discord and Tirek to be subtle, he simply landed in the center of the town, right in front of the Town Hall; and released a quick burst of chaos magic that would let Screwball find him in seconds.

As he expected, Screwball’s magic surrounded him and teleported him to a dark room inside of
a nearby house, empty save for both of them. “What are you doing here?” she asked, frowning and tapping her right hind leg against the floor while her magical costume slipped away.

“I really, really need all the milkshake you can give me. Like, right now.”

“Why do you need more chaos magic right now?”

“Eh… There’s some fools in Canterlot who think they are stronger than me. I don’t have time to charge on my own without getting in trouble with da police so I really need you to lend me a hoof.”

“Is this really important enough to make you completely disregard the fact that I did not want to see you?” she asked, almost baring her teeth at him.

“It’s a life or death situation. You know I wouldn’t bother you to win a pissing contest.”

“Ugh, alright! I’m not even using it anymore, so in a sense you’re doing me a favor by getting rid of it,” she said, tendrils of pure chaos magic surging from her body and going straight into Havoc’s.Her body turned less chaotic with each passing seconds, the spiral patterns of her eyes becoming less noticeable and her hair swirling less and less.

“Wow, where did you get so much of it?” Havoc asked, realizing that she had almost as much energy as he could hold.

“I’m living in Ponyville, Havoc. What did you expect? Now get out of my house before I kick you out myself.”

“Screwball… Thank you. For everything,” Havoc said, knowing that he might not see the end of the day.

“You’re… welcome?” she said, wondering where had that come from.

Havoc left hoping that, without her magic, she wouldn’t be targeted by Tirek and Discord. After flying back to Canterlot and going straight to his house, Havoc spent most of the day locked in his bedroom; his chaos domain helping him reach the limit of what he could contain. Eventually, he heard a powerful knocking on the door. Havoc opened it and found Knightbane on the other side.

“Yo! So, I’ve been told that you were the one who found that Discord turned against us. Great job, dude, it’s this kind of stuff that ends up tipping the balance. Now, you have to come with me to the palace. The princesses have organized most of us humans in order to try to defeat Discord and Tirek. There’s so many of us with unique and powerful abilities that even those two won’t be able to easily get rid of us,” he stated, sounding almost ridiculously cheerful.

“Alright, let’s go.”

Havoc followed Knightbane, who led him back to the same room where he’d seen the princesses a few hours earlier. To his surprise, Cadance was there, too, and the three alicorns looked like they hadn’t slept in a week. Worse still, he realized they were missing their cutie marks. Thinking that Tirek had already gotten them, he summoned Infernal Soul and tried to find him.

“Calm down, Havoc,” Celestia commanded. “This isn’t Tirek’s doing. We got rid of our magic so he couldn’t steal it. If he gets the power of alicorns on top of what he already has, he’ll become virtually invincible. Now, I want you to meet someone. Draken?”

A draconequus answered Celestia’s call, popping out of a stained glass window. He was very similar to Discord, his body parts being the same, but with a slightly different color scheme. He was also smaller, being roughly the size of a regular human, and his eyes were a vibrant blue.

“Hey,” he said, eyeing Havoc with curiosity. “I’ve been looking forward to meeting the other draconequus around. A shame we’re meeting under such circumstances.”

“Yeah.”

“Due to the nature of your magic,” Luna said, earning their attention. “You can’t fight Discord, as he would just use your energy to empower himself. Thus, you are to engage Tirek and keep him busy until the others defeat Discord. Knightbane will help you. He’s come up with a promising plan to beat Tirek. You must remain on guard at all times. The attack could take place in a matter of hours. Now leave us, we don’t wish to be seen in our weakened state unless it’s necessary.”

Knightbane led both draconequi to the room that separated the throne room from the rest of the palace, where he explained the entirety of his plan, and then left Draken and Havoc alone so he could make the preparations necessary for it to work.

“So, how long have you been in Equestria?” Draken asked.

“About two years, you?”

“Three. I think. I got stuck in a time loop for a few months so I’m not entirely sure.”

“That sucks. Say, you look a lot like Discord. Are you a draconequus major?”

“A what?”

“You know, a draconequus like Discord, not one like me. I’m technically a flesh golem that runs on chaos magic and is controlled by my soul.”

“Eh… I’m pretty sure I got turned into an actual draconequus.”

“But you aren’t as strong as Discord.”

“Sadly, no. I can do a lot of the things he does, just on a much smaller scale.”

Havoc nodded. “Do you also need to do chaotic stuff every now and then to avoid turning into an enraged beast that kills anything on sight?”

“Uh… No…” Draken replied, eyeing Havoc with caution. “I sometimes find it hard not to do stupid stuff, but other than that I’m normal.”

“Sucks to be me, then. Oh! If Knightbane’s plan doesn’t work, we’ll have to charge Tirek headfirst. How do you fight? I don’t want us to be on each other’s way.”

“It’s hard to say, I pretty much follow my instinct.”

“Good. Me too. We probably have the same thought pattern when fighting, so I guess we’ll cooperate without realizing it. If we try not to hit Knightbane by mistake, everything should be fine.”

A short laugh. “And just how powerful are you? I’ve heard you acted as a one man army in Gem Fido, and that even Celestia and Luna would struggle to cause so much damage,” Draken asked.

“Woah, ponies love to exaggerate. I can do some really neat things when I reach full power, but I once sparred with Cadance and she bested me without having to throw all her power into it. What happened in Gem Fido is that diamond dogs had no magic users of any kind, so I could just unleash fire and death from far away while they tried to take me down with spears and arrows. I think I could defeat an adult dragon in a fair fight if I’m at full power, but it wouldn’t be easy.”

“And how much power do you have right now?”

“Luckily for us, my batteries are full right now.”

“Good, I think we’re going to need all the dakka we can get.”

They spent the next hour talking about their experiences until Knightbane joined them and proclaimed that everything was ready. Since it was late in the evening, they decided to sleep in that room, not wanting to be caught tried and sleep deprived.

Shining Armor fell to the ground, unable to stand after his magic was stolen by Tirek. He barely managed to whisper a few words before the weakness he felt overwhelmed him. He wondered just how many ponies Tirek had already attacked in Canterlot, leaving them too weak to cry for help or raise the alarm.

Tirek looked down the balcony, and found the first members of the sizeable army of humans that Celestia had gathered in Canterlot rushing towards him, while others called for reinforcements. They had been trying to reach Discord and him for some time now, only to lose them whenever Discord teleported.

“Why don't you go and have a little fun? I won't stand in your way,” he told Discord, who giggled in delight as he saw the approaching humans. This gave some of them pause, and some of them simply ran away when the spirit of chaos slowly approached them, his giggling turning into an insane cackling and power making his body glow like a supernova.

Tirek stole the magic from the last pair of guards who tried to stop him from reaching the palace’s throne room. Given the look of desperation in their eyes, he assumed he was only a room or two away from it. When he opened the next door, his grin turned into a frown of confusion, then into a face of pure fear as he fully registered who was standing in front of him.

A female human, with a long blonde mane and eyes of pure light, was staring straight at him. She wore plate armor with magical gemstones, and wielded a flaming sword in her right hand and a large mage staff in her left one.

“Impossible!” he cried. “You vanished thousands of years ago! Why aren’t you dead?!”

“The Rainbow of Light blessed me with immortality,” she explained. “Surrender, or I’ll finish what I started twenty thousand years ago.”

Tirek took a few steps back, looking like he was about to run for his life. However, he soon overcame his panic attack and managed to look menacing again.

“Do you think you can defeat me now that your precious Rainbow of Light no longer follows your command, Megan?! You’re just an insect and I’ll crush you!”

As he said that, a ball of his dark magic grew between his horns, which released a beam of destructive magic straight at Megan. She raised her staff, its purple floating gem shining as a barrier surrounded her, deflecting the attack. She then charged, forcing Tirek to block her flaming sword with his own magic. Megan used her smaller size and superior agility to circle around Tirek and attack his exposed sides, forcing him to clumsily turn around as he tried to hit her with his fists.

Havoc, invisible and concealing his magic, looked for an opening from his position near the ceiling. It had been hard not to laugh when Tirek panicked like a little girl, but he had managed to remain silent. Tirek had grown enough to make Havoc look like a child, and the magic he’d stolen made him insanely powerful, more than anything he had ever faced, almost as much as Discord. Megan could not beat him, but she didn’t have to. Knightbane had told them that Tirek, despite how powerful he was, only had the magic of earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns. Since none of these could use their magic to instantly heal their own wounds, Tirek relied on magical shields and barriers to protect himself from suffering any wounds in the first place. On top of that, his skin was nearly as durable as dragon scales, so steel weapons (and Havoc’s magic-destroying axe) were like toys to him. Because of that, a single attack with Infernal Soul while Tirek was too busy battling Megan to protect his back was their best chance to either kill him or leave him severely wounded.

A few minutes into the fight, Havoc found the opening he was looking for. Megan’s staff was firing a powerful purple beam, which Tirek countered with a beam of his own, leaving his back exposed and his body immobile. Focusing his magic into increasing his strength, Havoc hit Tirek right in the nape. The impact was powerful enough to lift Tirek from the air, as well as interrupting his spell; allowing Megan’s attack to hit him straight in the face. Tirek collapsed, lying immobile on the floor as Havoc and Megan approached him.

“Did we kill him?” Havoc asked, noticing blood seeping from the place where Infernal Soul had hit Tirek.

“You can never be too sure,” Megan replied as she lifted her flaming sword with both hands, its tip aiming at Tirek’s skull.

As the sword began its descent, Tirek’s hand shot forward, grabbing Megan’s entire torso. As Tirek crushed her, Megan cried with a masculine voice and green flames engulfed her, revealing that she had been Knightbane in disguise all along.

“Pathetic insect,” Tirek cursed, his eyes burning with rage. “You’re going to suffer more than you thought possible for this.”

Havoc tried to hit Tirek again, but his other hand grabbed the handle of Infernal Soul and held the weapon in place despite Havoc’s struggles. “You escaped me once. You won’t be so lucky this time.”

Knightbane’s staff then rose on its own and shot a magic blast at Tirek, his grip on Knightbane and Havoc slipping. The staff turned into Draken, who was wielding a large machine gun.

“Well, plan A didn’t work,” Knightbane said as he struggled to get up. “What was plan B, again?”

“Hit him till he stops moving,” Draken answered, sunglasses and a large cigar appearing on his face.

“Ha! You think you can defeat ME?!” Tirek roared. “You are nothing!”

“Fuck that noise,” Havoc said, firing a beam of chaos magic at Tirek.

Tirek tried to eat the attack, but the beam turned into a net made of chains, which surrounded Tirek’s head. Havoc then teleported to Tirek’s back and pulled from the net, forcing his humanoid body to arch back. Draken’s machine gun unleashed a barrage of bullets on Tirek’s exposed chest, but none of them managed to pierce through the magical layers that covered his body. Realizing the futility of his attack, Draken created a spear and joined Knightbane, who had retrieved the flaming sword that had used while he imitated Megan; and they attacked Tirek’s stomach with their weapons. Despite not having any visible effect, Tirek’s roaring hinted that the attacks would eventually break through his magical defenses.

Tirek’s violent thrashing managed to make Havoc slip, allowing him to fight Draken and Knightbane properly. He hit the ground with his fist, causing pillars of his destructive energy to surge all around himself and forcing the three humans to dodge and give him some room. Then a ball of energy formed between his horns and launched a large beam at Knightbane. Knightbane then pulled a guitar out of thin air and played a wicked guitar solo which created a magic barrier that diverted the attack.

Discord snapped his fingers, a stampede of giant singing potatoes with legs running over his nearest foe: a human that had turned into some sort of dinosaur made of rocks. He hadn’t had so much fun since the days when he ruled over Equestria. The humans that attacked him had so many original forms and abilities that he had to be careful or they would be more chaotic than him. He didn’t even feel concern when a dark presence slipped past his mental barriers and took control over his body.

“Hello, Discord,” a very kind and polite voice said in his mind. “You are causing quite the ruckus here.”

“Plastic Pinocchio,” Discord acknowledged the presence. “Why are you trying to stop me? It’s not like you.”

“Tirek is simply too dangerous. He could take my magic away from me, and I would truly die. I am going to use your powerful body to kill him.”

“And what, little human, makes you think you are - or ever were - in control?” Discord said, easily breaking the influence of Plastic Pinocchio’s magic on him. “Now, where are you hiding?”

Discord opened a portal in front of him, which led to an apparently empty corner of a street a dozen of meters away from his current location. He reached and grabbed Plastic Pinocchio by the neck, who turned visible as soon as Discord’s hand touched him. Plastic Pinocchio tried to mind control Discord again, violent spasms shaking his body, but Discord didn’t let him through.

“I love the smell of burning plastic in the morning,” Discord commented as a large bonfire appeared before him. Since Plastic Pinocchio couldn’t talk with telepathy while Discord kept him out of his mind, the only thing the draconequus heard when he tossed the human into the fire was his incoherent gurgles and screams. “This is the least you deserve after trying to control my mind. Now, where can I find more of these humans?”

Draken and Havoc turned into elephants at the same time and charged at Tirek. To their horrified surprise, Tirek managed to stop each of them with a single hand and, roaring, grab them by their trunks and flail them around. After heavily damaging the ground and walls with their bodies, he made them crash against each other, the brutal impact forcing them back to their original forms. Draken recovered first, teleporting Havoc and himself out of Tirek’s reach just before he could grab them again.

“How are we supposed to beat THAT?!” Draken asked, on the verge of panic.

“We must use the Fusion!” Havoc claimed, still slightly dazed.

“... That could actually work,” Draken said, surprised. “Knightbane, buy us a few seconds!”

“Roger that!” he said as he unleashed a full song on Tirek, his wings making the sounds his voice and guitar could not. The music created a hurricane which managed to halt Tirek’s advance.

While Tirek tried to overcome Knightbane’s music-based magic, Draken and Havoc performed some silly moves that looked like some ridiculous dance. When their fingertips touched, an explosion of light surrounded them, which caused both Tirek and Knightbane to stop and look. When the light vanished, a single abomination against nature had replaced the previous two. Since most of the body parts that made each of them didn’t match, the fusion looked so hideous and ungodly that Knightbane immediately started puking all over the place. It had grown to be nearly as tall as Tirek, but each of its limbs was disgusting on its own anti natural way, such as the one that was half flesh and half wood, or the one which was covered in both scales and hair. Even Tirek couldn’t help but grimace in disgust.

“I am neither Draken or Havoc, I am Dravoc! It's over Tirek, I have come for you!” the fusion of Draken and Havoc said, his voice sounding as if both of them were talking together. He started walking towards the centaur, holding Infernal Soul in his unholy arms.

Tirek encased his fists in concentrated magic and approached Dravoc. The clash of the axe against Tirek’s fist released a shockwave that nearly made Knightbane collide against a wall. Dravoc released several tendrils of chaos magic that tried to restrain Tirek’s limbs, but he managed to break them all as soon as they tried to wrap around him. Tirek replied by headbutting Dravoc, but the draconequus’ disgusting head turned into concrete, making Tirek regret his decision.

Knightbane attacked Tirek with his flaming sword, aiming at his horse half. The attack slipped through Tirek’s magical defenses, resulting in a cauterized wound that distracted him enough to let Dravoc grab him by the horns with both arms, only for two extra arms to grow from his sides and start punching Tirek’s stomach. Tirek tried to punch back, but four more arms held his own by the wrists. Roaring, Tirek released a powerful explosion of energy, which obliterated Dravoc’s eight arms. Regrowing the original two in an instant, Dravoc attacked again, this time wielding a lawnmower on his right hand and a lightsaber on the left. Tirek blocked the lightsaber with his bare hands, its cutting power nowhere near that of a real one’s, but the lawnmower hit his side with a lot of force, lifting him off his legs and making him hit the nearest wall face-first.

“GET REKT!” Dravoc shouted, the noise of air horns all over the place.

“Wow, we are actually beating him,” Knightbane said. “I’m gonna take a less offensive role to avoid getting in the way before one of those attacks blows my head off.”

Knightbane played a new song, which made Dravoc feel stronger than before. Tirek got up, brushing the pieces of masonry off his body, and eyed Dravoc with more caution than before.

“I underestimated you two,” he said. “If you swear to serve me, I’ll let you live.”

“You must be really desperate to make such an offer, Tirek!”

Tirek shrugged. “I was holding back because I don’t want to cause unnecessary damage to my future summer palace. On my way here I drained the magic of a score of ponies, who are most likely still lying on the corridor over there,” he said, pointing at the door he had come from. “Let’s see if you’re strong enough to stop me from killing them!”

Tirek made another sphere of magic appear between his horns, this one several times stronger than the previous ones, and aimed at the corridor where Dravoc could see the last two unconscious guards that Tirek had drained. Cursing, Dravoc teleported between Tirek and the guards, putting the magic-eating black axe in front of him. The axe wasn’t large enough to block the huge magical beam that Tirek released, so Dravoc had to stop it with his own magic. Even with the power increase from the fusion AND Knightbane’s music, Dravoc could only keep the attack at bay for a minute at most, then he would have to move away or die.

“Knightbane! Hit him with this!” Dravoc said as he tossed Infernal Soul at the changeling with his tail.

The axe was too large and heavy for Knightbane, so much that he couldn’t fly while carrying it. Clenching his teeth, Knightbane ran towards Tirek and prepared to bring the axe down on the back of his horse half. Tirek saw this, and stopped his attack to focus on Knightbane. Unable to dodge while wielding the heavy weapon, Knightbane took Tirek’s punch directly to the chest, his exoskeleton immediately cracking and oozing green blood. Knightbane collapsed, too injured to continue fighting, a pool of his own blood forming around him.

“You’re gonna pay for that!” Dravoc shouted.

“I doubt it,” Tirek replied as he picked Infernal Soul, which was laying next to Knightbane. “This is a good weapon. I think I’ll keep it.”

Dravoc teleported above Tirek and, opening his mouth wide, released a jet of purple flames. Tirek covered his face with his arms, the fire barely hurting him. Dravoc then made the tip of his tail turn into a massive ball with spikes and hit Tirek’s head with it. Tirek replied with Infernal Soul, forcing Dravoc to keep his distance.

“Let’s see how you like this!” Dravoc said as he created a giant birdcage around Tirek, and then an even larger strongbox around it. He kept on adding layers for a whole minute, and then the fusion ended.

“What?! Already?!” both of them complained at the same time.

“I’m gonna help Knightbane!” Draken said. “You make sure Tirek doesn’t escape until reinforcements arrive.”

“I’ll try.”

Havoc poured magic on Tirek’s prison, repairing the damage he was doing to it. However, he could feel that Tirek was breaking through faster than he could build. Meanwhile, Draken used his magic to heal as many of Knightbane’s wounds as he could.

“I’m not good at healing magic, but I think I’ve done quite a good job” he explained. “You shouldn’t try to fight again, though.”

“We don’t have much of a choice here, Draken,” Knightbane replied, grimacing as he picked his guitar and began to play again, the magic of music empowering them all.

“Draken!” Havoc called. “He’s gonna break through in a few seconds! We have to take my axe away from him or we’re dead!”

Havoc stopped trying to repair the prison and waited until he saw his axe’s blade break through the latest layer: a rather simple wooden box.

“Here’s Johnny,” Draken deadpanned, too concerned to add any emotion to his shitty reference.

A few more hits from the axe destroyed the box, making a hole large enough for Tirek to slip through. The moment he set one of his hooves out, both draconequi grabbed the handle of Infernal Soul and pulled. Snarling, Tirek tried to grab Infernal Soul with both hands, but Havoc breathed fire at him, forcing him to cover his face with his left hand. Both of them twisted the weapon at the same time, managing to yank it free from Tirek’s iron grip. Havoc promptly sent it back to his hammerspace, not wanting to give Tirek another chance at using the weapon on them.

“Enough!” Tirek said. “My patience has run out!”

Opening his mouth, Tirek tried to steal their magic out of them. This time, Havoc needed to focus entirely on countering it. The same applied to Draken, so they were unable to do anything, even move, when Tirek approached them and proceeded to beat them to a pulp. A minute later, he grew bored of harming them and decided to finish them off.

“I saw how you killed my champion, stupid as he was,” he told Havoc. “Let’s see how you like dying just like him.”

Grabbing his head, he crushed it until his brains turned into a goo that stained his hands, then cleaned them on Havoc’s fur. He then beheaded Draken with a sharp yank and crushed his skull with his teeth. Without his head, Draken couldn’t resist when Tirek began to steal his magic. By the time Tirek was done with him, Draken had only managed to regrow a new head, but the many mortal wounds that Tirek had caused him were still present. Havoc, having more time, managed to fully heal, but that left him too weak to fight against Tirek’s spell. When he felt his magic leaving him, he focused it all on his groin, and used the slivers he still had access to to make a dildo appear there. This gave the impression that Tirek was sucking the magic out of Havoc’s plastic penis.

“Suck my dick, faggot,” he taunted.

Frowning, Tirek waited until Havoc had no magic left on him to grab him by the torso and rip him in half, his guts spilling all over the flow.

“Your princesses sent you to fight me, knowing that you had no chance,” Tirek said as he approached the doors that led to the throne room. “Now you’ll die knowing that nothing you ever did matters, and that everything you love and cherish will be crushed under my hooves.”

His foes defeated and his wounds healed by the magic he had stolen, Tirek stomped towards the doors and tore them off easily. Havoc lost consciousness just before Tirek reached the defenseless alicorns.

Havoc was surrounded by nothingness. There was only him, floating in an endless void. It was a situation he had grown familiar with, but that didn’t mean he was cool with it. He was fairly certain that this time he was dead for good.

“You did so well without my help,” a female voice dripping with sarcasm said, breaking the lack of external stimuli.

“So this is the end of the road,” Havoc said. “Killed by a black and red original character. What happens now, Disharmony?”

“Nothing. Yet,” she said as she appeared before him, this time looking like a female version of him. “Your body is dead, but it’ll take your soul a couple of minutes to separate from it. When that happens, you are mine. I haven’t decided what to do with you. You mortals are so fragile, you will cease to exist or slip too far into insanity to be funny way sooner than I’d like to. Making you be my slave for two or thirty thousand years sounds more entertaining than simple torture. Who knows? If you prove to be better as a slave than as a chesspiece, I might give you a second chance at becoming free. Or not. We’ll cross that bridge when we reach it.”

Havoc found himself unable to say anything, so soon Disharmony began to tap her foot against nothing, annoyed by the awkward silence. Two minutes later, she looked around in surprise.

“But, how?! Curse you Havoc, you are going to survive after all!” Baring her teeth, she drew closer to Havoc. “I should just kill you myself, but it’s not worth the trouble. We’ll meet again. Soon.”

She vanished, leaving Havoc alone with his thoughts. Minutes later, he felt a suction force pulling him towards an increasingly powerful light in the distance.

“Don’t you dare die on me, Havoc!” Screwball shouted. She had given him much of the magic inside of her, but it didn’t seem to be working. “Who will I punch when I feel mad if you are dead?!”

Havoc woke up, his body functioning again thanks to Screwball’s chaos magic. His first action was to instinctively join back his lower half to the rest of his body with magic, healing the massive damage caused by Tirek but using up most of the magic he had been given.

“What the heck are you doing here?” he asked, a bit lightheaded due to the blood loss.

“You can’t lie for shit, Havoc. I knew that something important was going on if you needed my magic. I already knew about Tirek being free and Discord chasing after him because I spied on Twilight Sparkle when she told her friends, so I connected the dots. So, when you left, I did everything I could to recharge, and came here after the sunrise. I arrived here five minutes ago, and I’ve been trying to save your ass since then. Aaaaand I just gave you all my chaos magic, again.”

Havoc gave her a big hug. “You’re awesome. I want to kiss and fuck you right now.”

“Not happening. Listen, Tirek sent the princesses to Tartarus and then Discord told him how to find Twilight Sparkle. They are going to Ponyville as we speak. If Tirek gets the magic of alicorns our only hope will be to put as much distance between us and him as possible.”

“Alright, alright,” Havoc said, slowly getting up. He then noticed that Draken and Knightbane were also in the room. “Maybe we should try to help these two.”

Screwball shrugged as Havoc approached Draken. He was unconscious and bleeding from several deep wounds. Havoc extended his arm, getting ready to share as much chaos magic as he could with him.

I see you in the middle of a desert, along with someone else. You have a violet and white canteen, but there’s not enough water for you two. You’ll only survive if you let him die of thirst.

Plastic Pinocchio’s words came to his mind so powerfully that he almost jumped back. Screwball noticed his hesitation. “What are you waiting for?”

“I… I can’t give him any energy. I need it too much.”

“Fine, let him die. Even if both of us gave him everything we have, it probably wouldn’t be enough to heal all those wounds.”

“... Shit,” Havoc cursed, turning his back on Draken and approaching Knightbane. The changeling was also unconscious, but his wounds didn’t look so severe. A quick tapping on his face woke him up.

“Oh, I’m alive...” he whispered. “Did we win?”

“No, he killed Draken and I barely survived. Are you dying?”

“I think so... I’m gonna ask you a big favor... Havoc,” he said, wheezing. “You have to let me feed on your love.... Love energy will make me strong enough to... survive these wounds.”

“Alright, do it,” he said, trying to compensate for the fact that he had left Draken to die.

Knightbane’s eyes suddenly became too interesting for Havoc to stop staring. He felt as if Knightbane was a mix of everyone he loved, as well as said love leaving his body, and forced himself to stay still and not resist. In just under a minute, Knightbane’s breathing became more steady and he stopped feeding. Havoc shook his head, trying to get rid of the feeling that he was dead inside.

“Havoc, tell me how much I’ve missed. We need to act fast,” Knightbane said, his voice much stronger than before. “I know how you’re feeling right now, but you can’t let that distract you. Wait, who’s that?” he said, point at Screwball.

“Screwball. Long story. She’s on our side. Why didn’t you turn invisible, Screwball?”

“I can’t exactly turn invisible when I’m out of juice.”

“Huh. Whatever, it’s not like Discord can get in any more trouble, right?” Havoc said before giving Knightbane a summary of what he knew.

“Let’s hope Twilight fixes everything,” Knightbane said. “There’s nothing we can do to stop Tirek now, but we can still help. I can’t walk with these injuries, so you’ll have to carry me around. Celly told me what I should do if Tirek won and I survived.”

Havoc turned into his reindeer form and helped Knightbane sit on his back, then used his ability to walk on thin air to move around as gently as possible. Knightbane led them to a chamber he recognised: it was where the Elements of Harmony used to be stored.

“Use my sword on the lock and the door will open,” Knightbane said, so Havoc lowered him to the ground and turned into his draconequus form to pick the sword.

When the sword slid into the lock, Havoc felt powerful enchantments recede one after the other until the massive door opened on its own. Surprised, Havoc looked as around fifty unicorns, most of them with healing-related cutie marks, walked out of the vault, led by no other than Prince Blueblood. Some of them rushed towards Knightbane, their horns glowing as they covered his wounds with bandages and ointments.

“I assume Tirek and Discord won and all of Canterlot’s residents have lost their magic, right?” Blueblood asked, barely waiting for them to confirm his guess.

“Your attention, everypony!” Blueblood shouted when all of them were out of the vault. “The attack on Canterlot is over! Do not waste time on those who have only lost their magic! Focus on everypony with injuries that can be actually treated! Team one, rush to the hospital and ensure that it’s still running and nopony is unattended! Team two, go to the noble district! Team three, with me! You three!” he added, pointing at Havoc’s group. “Follow and protect team two, we can’t discard looters or other unsavory individuals trying to take advantage of the situation.”

The three teams galloped in different directions, Havoc carrying the now heavily bandaged Knightbane while Screwball stared at anypony who glanced at her until they averted their eyes.

“I didn’t expect Blueballs to be a good leader,” Havoc commented. “Or able to do anything at all under pressure.”

“He’s not as bad as you might think,” Knightbane explained. “He’s a total prick and it’s impossible to stand him for more than a few minutes, but when it comes to management and leading he knows what he’s doing.”

Knightbane tried to ask Screwball some questions, but the way she frowned whenever he looked at him eventually made him decide to chat with Havoc instead. Their chatter was replaced by shocked silence when they saw the extent of the damage Discord’s fight against the humans had caused.

35: Hate

The next five hours were gut wrenching for Havoc. He had killed, maimed and injured many in the war, but he often did it and continued fighting, never looking back. This time he had no option but watch the results of the fight between Discord and the humans, if what Discord had done with them could be called fighting. Nearly a hundred humans had attacked Discord, and he had played with them like a toddler who can’t control his strength and ends up breaking his toys. The first human they found was Daniel Garino, the skeleton. His bones had been turned into several different materials, many of them too weak or brittle, so he had collapsed and couldn’t move without feeling pain. He had been luckier than most others. Some of them had been brainwashed into fighting each other to the death. Others had been turned into strange creatures. A few had been maimed or outright killed. Havoc even found one who was stuck in a time loop, repeating the moment when he painfully broke a leg over and over and over again.

The damage caused by Tirek paled in comparison, as he had only killed a few guards who had been brave or fool enough to insult him after their magic was taken. Most of the ponies were fine, save for the missing magic and cutie mark part. It seemed like Tirek wanted to keep as many of them alive as possible so he could rule over them or something along those lines. Fortunately, neither Tirek nor Discord had paid any attention to the dozens of diamond dogs who had moved to Canterlot over the last year. Havoc soon found himself organising them, making sure each of them was helping.

“Ugh, is that what I think it is?” Knightbane muttered, drawing Havoc’s attention to a fire that was making a lot of black and acrid smoke.

“Shit, it’s Plastic Pinocchio,” Havoc added as he made a fire extinguisher appear to put out the fire.

Most of Plastic Pinocchio’s body had turned into a black puddle, but his head was mostly intact. His mouth suddenly opened, surprising both humans, and large quantities of white smoke came out of it. Havoc felt shivers all over his body as the smoke continued to exit the remains of Plastic Pinocchio’s body, and a quick glance confirmed that Screwball and Knightbane were feeling the same. After ten seconds, Plastic Pinocchio’s face crumbled into dust as the small cloud turned into a human face that quickly blinked and licked until it faded completely.

“That was weird, even by our standards,” Screwball said.

“Let’s just forget it ever happened,” Knightbane added.

“Agreed.”

A huge shockwave drew their attention, just in time to see a massive mushroom shaped cloud in the distance.

“Looks like the final fight is taking place,” Screwball said.

“Yup.”

“Do you want to see it?”

“Hell yeah!” Havoc exclaimed.

“Wait, what about all the ponies who still need help?” Knightbane asked.

“I think there’ll be more ponies needing our help where the MASSIVE MAGIC EXPLOSIONS are taking place! Now let’s go before we miss it!”

“... Alright you’ve convinced me!”

Using all the magic he had gathered from the chaos that had taken over Canterlot, Havoc made a huge catapult appear and teleported himself and the other two to its bucket. The catapult propelled them with a force that should have killed them instantly. But, luckily for them, chaos magic’s tendency towards cartoon physics saved their asses. In just under ten seconds they landed on a barren land near Ponyville, just in time to see Twilight Sparkle being thrown by Tirek’s magic towards a mountain in the distance.

“Wow! So that’s where the princesses put their magic!”

Tirek, who had grown at least twice as big as he was when he curbstomped Havoc, Draken and Knightbane, then jumped, his empowered muscles propelling them towards Twilight’s location.

“HOLY SHIT!”

“We are going to die,” Screwball muttered.

The three of them watched the fight, cheering whenever Twilight landed a hit on Tirek. To their disappointment, the exchange of insanely powerful magical attacks was quite short, with Tirek using Twilight’s friends as hostages so she would give him her magic. As soon as he stole the magic of alicorns from Twilight Sparkle, he grew larger than any other creature Havoc had faced before. He dwarfed even Abaddon, the humongous black dragon he faced during Aio’s last stand. The element bearers and Discord, who seemed to have also been drained by Tirek, could do nothing while Tirek tested his new powers on a nearby forest.

“We are so going to die.”

“I’m starting to feel worried about this,” Havoc admitted. “If Tirek was strong enough to steal Discord’s magic BEFORE he took the alicorn magic, we’re on a whole new level of fucked. Like, look at the magic attacks they threw each other, it looks like Dragon Ball here, and we’re the Yamchas. We are the Yamchas, Knightbane, and we just lost Goku Sparkle.”

“Everything will turn out fine, just wait,” Knightbane said.

“We are going to die so fucking much,” Screwball muttered.

For the next minutes, Tirek roamed around, blasting trees and stuff with his insane power. “How long is he going to keep doing that?” Screwball asked.

“At least he’s not blasting people.”

“Yet,” a new voice said.

The three of them turned and found a female draconequus standing a few meters away. “Disharmony,” Havoc muttered, recognising her even though her body parts didn’t match the ones she had the last time they met.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to be here!” Screwball said.

“Discord was dumb enough to lose his powers to that beast, who’s going to stop me from talking to my champion now, you? Or maybe you?” she added, looking at Knightbane. “Now that would be rich. Now, leave us alone, I want to speak with him in private.”

“Do as she says, you don’t want to get on her bad side,” Havoc said.

“What do you want?” he asked when Screwball and Knightbane were out of earshot.

“I told you we’d meet again, and this is a very good moment. I’ve been thinking about this game, us and everything in between for the last few weeks.”

“But it’s only been-”

“Time works differently in the Nexus,” she said, cutting him. “Now, it’s not often that I get a chance to speak to you, not since Discord put that ugly horn on your head to keep me out of your mind. I have realized that I’ve been a total bitch. You’ve been doing well on your own, all things considered. You didn’t get yourself killed, fought in a war, earned a lot of renown and respect. All the others are jealous of me because of how fast you’re climbing ranks. You did way worse when all you could think of was the terrible, terrible things I’d do to you when you died, so it seems that positive reinforcement works better for you than threats and punishment.”

“What?”

“Yes, Martin,” she said, placing her hands on his shoulders and looking at him in the eye. “I can be merciful if I want to. Keep up the good work and you’ll be properly rewarded when this is over. I’ve realized that being mad at you and punishing you for failing is a waste of my time.”

“I… I don’t know what to say… Thank you?”

“Now, I should probably leave. Tirek has grown ridiculously powerful, maybe enough to use this projection of my thoughts as a waypoint to reach the Nexus and steal all the magic there, destroying all that exists. The sooner I leave, the better. One last thing before I leave,“ she said, suddenly grinning like a devious kid. “The Game will end as soon as a piece kills a player, and that piece will be the winner. That reminds me, you did well killing Tirek’s piece, else he would have made him kill one of the defenseless alicorns to win the game and become one the strongest beings in the universe. But back to the point at hand… Isn’t it convenient that Discord, who is a player and has betrayed all of you, is laying powerless right over there?”

“Tempting, but I thought you wanted to get back at him with your own hands?”

“Honey, at this point I don’t care how it happens as long as he dies,” she said, her body phasing out of reality. “And having my piece strike him down is almost as good as doing it myself.”

“What did she say?!” Screwball asked, sprinting towards him as soon as Disharmony was completely gone.

“Lies and empty promises, I think,” Havoc said, questioning Disharmony’s words. “One thing was true, though.”

“Huh?”

“I can end this right here and now,” Havoc said, his dragonbone hammer appearing in his hands.

“What are you doing?!” Knightbane said when Havoc began to advance towards the main six and Discord.

“I’m going to kill Discord and win the Game. It’s the only way to be sure that she’ll leave me alone.”

“You won’t do that,” Knightbane said, unsheathing his flaming sword. “You’re not the only one who needs to win. I’ll be the one to kill him.”

“You’ll have to get past me first, both of you,” Screwball said, glowing with what little power she still had.

“Why, Screwball?” Havoc asked. “After all he’s done to you, I thought you’d actually help me kill him.”

“When he turned me into a chaos pony he linked my life essence to his. I’ll probably die if he’s killed. I’m not planning to commit suicide anytime soon.”

That gave both of them pause. Gritting his teeth, Knightbane steeled himself. “An innocent’s life is worth the safety of this world, I’m sorry.”

“Fuck that, fuck you,” Havoc cursed. “I couldn’t care less about Discord, but I won’t let you kill Screwball.”

“Havoc, listen to me. I am Celestia’s piece. If I win, she’ll gain the Prize, and become the most powerful being in this world. With that power, nobody will be able to threaten Equestria again. Not monsters like Tirek or the dragons, or bloodthirsty nations like Gem Fido. She won’t allow the losers to take it out on their pieces, so you’ll be safe.”

“I’ve already made my mind. Just give it up, Knightbane. You can’t beat both of us, and you could end up badly harmed or worse if you try..”

“So be it,” he said as his horn shone with a sickly green light. Before Havoc could react, Knightbane’s changeling magic began to take control over him.

“Martin, stop daydreaming!” Knightbane said as he turned into a teen human girl.

“What?” Havoc said, his eyes turning green as he fell under Knightbane’s influence. “I’m sorry Jane! I got distracted..”

“Of all the people in the world, I had to get you for a big brother,” Knightbane said with fake annoyance. “Now, we have to hurry. Discord is going to get away and we’ll never return home if we don’t get him!”

“Eh… Right! Hop on my back and we’ll get this over with once and for all.”

Just as Havoc was about to take off, Screwball got in the way. “Havoc! Snap out of it! That’s not your sister, it’s Knightbane using his changeling magic!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh no!” ‘Jane’ exclaimed. “Discord must have taken over her! We can’t let him get away with this, Martin!”

Nodding, Havoc tried to push Screwball away, but she didn’t budge. “Knightbane, I can’t believe you would make such a mistake.”

“What do you mean?”

“You should have hypnotised the stronger one out of us,” she said as she focused her power, turning into her draconequus-like form.

“Martin, don’t let her get close to me! I’ll go after Discord!”

“Are you sure? You’re just a human.”

“He’s lost his powers, I can handle him. But remember, keep a low profile or Tirek will notice us,” he added as he turned back to his original form and flew away.

Havoc stared at Screwball with his green tinted eyes. “Screwball, this is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.”

“Well, duh. I’m going to beat you senseless and then kick Knightbane’s ass. Oh, about that…”

Pointing at Knightbane with her left hoof, Screwball released a fast beam of magic which hit him square in the chest, turning him into a plush toy. “That should give me enough time to beat you.”

Screwball began the fight by breathing fire on Havoc. He blocked it with his dragon wing and advanced on her, trying to hit her with his hammer. She levitated around the attacks while wearing him down with low power lightning attacks, not daring to use magic strong enough to be felt by Tirek over his own massive display of power. Using her smaller size to her advantage, Screwball slipped through Havoc’s attacks all the time, until she found an opening and gouged his eyes out. To her surprise, Havoc’s blood turned into liquid nitrogen as soon as it touched her, freezing her on the spot. Desperate, she tried to heat herself with magic before Havoc could regrow his eyes, but he was faster. Grabbing her neck with both hands, he headbutted her several times until she was near unconscious.

“Stay down, please,” he said, not noticing how the spell she had placed on Knightbane wore off and the changeling flew towards Discord and the mane six, who were currently running towards the Everfree Forest.

“No… Dead...” she muttered, unable to form coherent sentences. “Changeling...”

“What are you talking about?” he asked, Knightbane’s mind control stopping him from realizing what was happening.

Thanks to her improved body, Screwball mostly recovered from the concussion in a few seconds. “Havoc! Think! Your sister has never been in Equestria! You are being fooled by changeling magic! I’m not going to do the magic love thing on you, so you better snap out of it right now!”

Groaning, Havoc dropped Screwball and held his own head with both hands. Finally, he noticed a strange magic that was working on his brain, so he fought it back with his own. When he opened his eyes, they were back to normal. “Fucking Knightbane! I’m going to kill him!”

Noticing the black speck that was Knightbane flying above the Everfree, Havoc teleported in his direction, too enraged to remember about Tirek. Thankfully, Tirek was still too busy blasting trees with his magic and laughing, so he didn’t notice.

Knightbane’s field of vision was suddenly covered in brown fur as Havoc appeared right before him. The impact made Knightbane’s head go through most of Havoc’s torso, but he didn’t particularly care as he dislodged the changeling from his body with both hands.

“How did you break my mind control so fast?!”

“It was shit, some fighting and a quick reality check was all I needed to get over it. Still, you used my love for my little sister towards me,” he said as he ripped Knightbane’s wings off. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

Havoc let Knightbane free, only for him to free fall the thirty meters that separated them from the ground while crying in pain. When Havoc landed besides him, he found that his changeling body had managed to survive the crash without sustaining injuries. Knightbane attacked Havoc with his sword, but without his wings there was little he could do.

“I’ve been thinking about all this Game stuff for the last few weeks, you know?” Havoc said as he avoided most of Knightbane’s attacks and healed the few ones that got through. “Like, there’s so many of us living in Canterlot, in some sort of happy community of borderline autistic humans. But we’re supposed to be fighting each other. I think I have a good understanding of just how this game is played: only one of us wins, either by being the last one alive, killing a god, or doing something similarly epic and world-changing. How is any of that supposed to happen while we tend to our gardens and have BBQ parties in Canterlot? Since I came here, I’ve grown complacent in my power. I have stopped developing myself, and it’s only a matter of time before I find myself at the bottom of the power ladder. It’s taken me too long to see Canterlot for what it is: a safe haven for those who have lost all hope of coming out on top. If Tirek is defeated and everything returns to normal, I’m leaving Canterlot as soon as I can.”

“Why are you telling me all this?” Knightbane said, panting.

“Because the dead can’t talk.”

Havoc allowed Knightbane to stab him in the stomach, and then grabbed his head with his left hand while he tried to pull the weapon out. Since his changeling exoskeleton was too durable for his bare hands, Havoc summoned Infernal Soul with his free hand and prepared to beheaded Knightbane with a swift slash.

“Havoc!” Screwball shouted, stopping him.

“What? I’m in the middle of something here!” he replied as she galloped towards him.

“He’s Celestia’s piece! She’ll fuck you up if you kill him!”

Havoc hesitated, which allowed Knightbane to pull the sword free and use it on Havoc’s hand, forcing him to release his head. Havoc began to heal his wounds, but frowned when he realized that he had almost no magic left inside of him. Worried, he used what was left to heal as best as he could, hoping to be able to beat Knightbane without magic.

Luckily, Knightbane was busy staring at something in the distance, “Hey, what’s that?” he asked as he pointed at the sky.

Havoc and Screwball turned to see what Knightbane was pointing at. A white sphere of rainbow light and magic rose from a cliff near Tirek, with six suspiciously pony-like shadows inside.

“I knew they would save the day,” Knightbane said.

Tirek attacked the sphere with a beam of magic powerful enough to level a city, but it had no effect. Tirek exchanged a few words with the ponies inside the sphere before he was blasted by a magic so powerful that Havoc almost wet himself when he felt it. The magic shrank Tirek, depowering him and making him look old and frail before he disappeared. Then the sphere rose high and exploded similarly to a Sonic Rainboom, the magic stolen by Tirek returning to where it belonged. Havoc roared in delight when the rainbow returned him his magic, fully charging him.

“Now this is more like it! If I have my powers back, Discord has his, too. You lost your chance, Knightbane.”

“Because you stopped me! How many more are going to die before the end?”

“I honestly don’t care,” Havoc replied as he flew away with Screwball floating next to him. “How much did you listen?”

“Most of it,” she replied. “What are you going to do?”

“First, I need to find someone to take over my job at Canterlot. That means going to Gem Fido. Again. If they don’t need me there… I don’t know, there’s a lot of places I have never visited. Maybe go south of Equestria? Everyone who’s been there has nearly died several times, so it can’t be a boring place.”

Suddenly, a rainbow burst from the ground a dozen meters away from them, with a strange item inside of it. The rainbow landed on the other side of Ponyville, and a massive palace shaped like a tree made of crystal grew from it. Surprised, Havoc and Screwball saw the element wielders go inside along with the other three alicorn princesses, Spike and Discord.

“Welp, now is the best time to pack my stuff and leave the country before people start asking me about stuff.”

“No, wait,” Screwball said. “I have to know what’s going to happen to Discord.”

“Fine, let’s find out,” he replied, wondering why Screwball would need him to be around for something she could do on her own.

Havoc and Screwball waited outside until something would happen. After a few minutes, several ponies gathered around the palace and began to sing. “Ugh,” Havoc gagged. “I hate when ponies start singing all of a sudden. Now we’ll have to wait until it’s over.”

When the song stopped, both of them went into the palace and soon found Discord, who was speaking with Celestia while everypony else happily chatted.

“Sir Havoc, I’m glad to see you alive and well,” Celestia said when she noticed him. “I feared for you and your companions when Tirek reached us.”

“Sadly, Draken didn’t make it,” Havoc solemnly said. “In any case, I just came to accompany Screwball.”

“Screwball?” Celestia asked while looking at the strange pony before her. “I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced.”

Screwball bowed. “Princess Celestia, I would like to know what will become of Discord after all of this.”

“Oh, don’t you worry about me,” Discord said, trying to keep a neutral face. “After all this ordeal, I’ve learned my lesson. I was a fool for trusting Tirek instead of my real friends.”

“That’s it? Not even a slap on the wrist after you betrayed everypony?!” she exclaimed, her power turning her into her draconequus form and making everypony shut up and watch in surprise. “Twenty years, Discord! You have been using me for twenty years! You poisoned my mind with your lies and promises, only so I could speed up your release! Then you turned me into this, using mind magic to make me think just how you wanted me to! You thought I wouldn’t realize? I learned how to undo that spell weeks after you put it on me! But you had done your job well, I could undo it but I didn’t because I was still stupid enough to think you were doing it for a good reason. Then you decided to make friends, and suddenly all the promises and the ideas you filled my brain with were null and false! You had the audacity to ask for my forgiveness, and just when I was coming to terms with all of this, you BETRAY ME AGAIN! AND EVERYPONY IS FINE WITH IT!”

Screaming in blind rage, Screwball released all of her magic through her mouth as a torrent of destructive purple energy aimed at Discord. He stopped it with his bare hands, the similarity between their magics creating a resonance that made the whole room vibrate. “Screwball, stop! You will hurt yourself!”

Screwball’s eyes shone with yellow light as she kept on pouring magic. Havoc approached her, and he gasped when he saw blood seeping from her nose, eyes and ears. He tried to stop her, but her overloaded body blasted him away as soon as he touched her. Screwball’s draconequus body began to melt, leaving her pony body behind.

“I can’t use my magic on her!” Discord shouted above her screams. “The resonance will destroy everything around us! Stop her before she kills herself!”

Luna’s horn glowed with her dark blue magic and Screwball fell asleep, her magical onslaught stopping. “Discord, you viper. You promised you wouldn’t create more chaos ponies,” Luna spat.

“Oh, but I didn’t. I created her when I broke free, before I made that promise.”

“And you didn’t consider it necessary to tell us,” Celestia said, her tone dangerously cold.

“I was going to. Eventually.”

“I agree with Screwball,” Havoc said. “I can’t believe you’re letting Discord get off scot free after everything he’s done. None of you have seen Canterlot, you have no idea what he’s done to everyone who tried to stop him. He’s killed at least ten people, and there are dozens who will never recover from what he’s done to them.”

“Pray tell, Havoc. Why would you and… Screwball think that Discord won’t be held accountable for his actions?” Luna asked.

“Wait, what?” Discord said, but his surprise turned into resignation soon enough.

“We’ll deal with that later,” Celestia said. “We must return to Canterlot and assess the damage. Even with all the stolen magic returned to their owners, there is much to do. Sir Havoc, you have earned some rest after your heroic efforts. Take the day off and meet us tomorrow at dawn.”

“Take care of her,” Luna added, looking at Screwball. “With chaos ponies, one never knows how they’ll react to spells such as the one I placed on her.”

The three alicorns and Discord left, leaving a very confused lot behind.

“Talk about a mood-killer, jeez,” Rainbow Dash said.

“So this is the pony you warned us about when we first met,” Twilight said, eyeing Screwball with curiosity. “With everything that happened after that, we never tried to find her.”

“She almost killed me that same day,” Havoc said, smirking at the memories. “I tried to teleport out of the Crystal Empire, but she managed somehow to hijack my teleport while it happened so I would appear before her outside of Ponyville. We fought until we were on the brink of death, but I managed to leave her so weak that she couldn’t finish me off. Instead, she turned me into stone and let me sink in that small lake you ponies go to swim from time to time. I was there for at least a month before the chaos created by all the Mirror Pool clones released me.
The only reason I’m alive is that she had to leave Ponyville in case you placed a spell that could detect her, so there’s that. Now that Discord doesn’t want me dead we’re besties.”

“That’s… Interesting. I would like to know more about chaos ponies, it’s the first time I’ve heard about them.”

“Maybe she’ll tell you when she’s not too busy trying to kill herself. Now, you’re not the only one who’s fought Tirek today, and I was nowhere near his power level when I tried to kill him. So, if you all will excuse me, I’m going to take a very long nap.”

That said, Havoc curled up next to Screwball and promptly fell asleep.

36: Nightmare

Martin walked towards his bathroom, hyperventilating. His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy. He stared at his reflection in the mirror, and grimaced in disgust as he pulled his mom’s spaghetti out of the pocket on his shirt. Mom’s spaghetti were everywhere: in his pockets, on his sweater, in his mouth, in his hands. He tried to swallow them all, but it was impossible. He slammed them against the mirror, trying hard not to cry. He collapsed next to the toilet and puked mom’s spaghetti on its closed cover, seizures taking over his body for the next three minutes.

When he walked out of the bathroom, he was nervous, but on the surface he looked calm and ready. Then he felt a dark presence in his bedroom. He did a double take when he found Plastic Pinocchio crouching atop his wardrobe.

“Hello, Martin. How are you?” his mind voice said as he grunted and shook his head.

“Plastic Pinocchio… This is my dream, but you aren’t part of my imagination. Why are you here?” Havoc asked, noticing for the first time that he looked human.

“I have been quite busy since Discord killed me. Luna should have told him about me. About what she saw. Then he wouldn’t have released me.”

“Release? He killed you.”

“My physical body was just a vessel for my true form. Only Luna knew this, after she took a peek into my dreams and found the truth. I only realized it after Discord destroyed my body, releasing me from its limitations. Now I live in the Dream World, and my power over it grows exponentially. Soon, not even Luna will be able to stop me.”

“You're scaring me, man.”

Plastic Pinocchio laughed. “Don’t worry, I haven’t walked into your dreams to harm you. The Dream World is a strange place. It’s like a reflection of the physical world, but unreliable in many ways. Any building that isn’t decades old doesn’t exist here, and anything that has been destroyed recently won’t permanently reflect the damage here until months have passed. It is… hard to change things from the physical world from here, but it can be done. Every living being that is sleeping can be reached from here, even animals; and once I get into someone’s dreams I can talk to them, like we’re doing right now… I think I can do much more than that, but I’m not sure. Maybe I can kill people in their sleep? Twist their memories and thoughts without them ever realizing? Drive them insane with nightmares? It’s too soon to tell.”

“Why are you telling me all of this? I mean, I enjoy exposition as much as everybody else, but why tell me of all people?”

“You also have the power to enter the Dream World and force changes in it, either because of being a draconequus or because you naturally have that talent. Right now, you are the only person I know who is asleep and has this ability, so I need you as a training partner.”

“A training partner,” Havoc repeated, finding it hard to believe.

“Yeah, someone to practice with, to get used to my powers in a safe environment. You’ll benefit from this, too. The Dream World offers so many possibilities…”

“Yeah and you’ll probably fuck me up if I refuse,” Havoc blurted, cursing himself for forgetting how easy it was to voice your thoughts by mistake in the Dream World.

Plastic Pinocchio shrugged. “A guinea pig is nearly as good as a willing partner.”

“Fuck you, man. Alright, I accept.”

Plastic Pinocchio lunged forward, pushing Havoc through his dream into a strange version of Ponyville. “You won’t be of any use for me unless you know the basics. Wake up, and tonight we’ll begin. In order to come to the Dream World, force yourself into sleep while thinking about this place. You shouldn’t have trouble with it.” Plastic Pinocchio pushed Havoc, but instead of falling he woke up. Worried, he looked around, but found that nothing had changed since he fell asleep.

“Oh! You’re awake!” he heard, and turned to see Twilight Sparkle walking towards him. “I was wondering if I should levitate both of you to guest rooms, it’s almost night time already.”

Havoc mumbled as he noticed that Screwball was still asleep. Then he shook his head to clear his thoughts. “What a day,” he said. “I still don’t know how you managed to defeat Tirek. He took away all the alicorn power, and that rainbow thing couldn’t be the Elements of Harmony. I know about the Tree and how you had to put them back in it to stop that OTHER thing that Discord did and could have ruined everything.”

“The Tree of Harmony spawned a closed chest when we put the Elements back on it. We managed to find the last key and opened it just after Tirek stole the alicorn magic. Inside we found this new friendship-based power that allowed us to save the day.”

“It’s always a last-minute miracle for you all, isn’t it?” he asked as he got up and began to look around the room.

“It may seem that way,” she said. “But I prefer to think that friendship and good always triumphs over hate and evil.”

“Ugh. Well, at least you got this neat palace after all of this, right?”

“Yeah!” she said, but she didn’t seem too convinced about it.

“And I guess that this new rainbow magic you used is now available for whatever crisis comes next.”

“Probably, yes.”

“I still can’t believe the Tree of Harmony spawned a giant crystal-palace-tree thing fully furnished and all. Like, it’s even got drawers!” he said, opening and closing one for emphasis. “I would have never thought the magic of harmony and friendship and whatever would be a good interior designer.”

“There is much we still don’t know about the Tree of Harmony,” Twilight admitted. “I would love to study it and learn more about it, but the risk of damaging it is just too big.”

“I want to apologise,” Havoc said, suddenly changing topic. “For what I said the last time we met. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I lashed out. I’ve had plenty of time to think about it, and I have realized that you did nothing wrong. I’m sorry, princess Twilight. Will you forgive me for being an idiot?”

Taken aback by Havoc’s unexpected statement, Twilight remained silent for a few seconds before finding her words. “You had your reasons for that. Luna told me your version of what happened with the Mirror Pool a few days after she returned from Gem Fido. I never even considered that I could be killing real ponies when I sent the copies to the pool. I shouldn’t have blindly chosen the first opportunity to solve the problem without thinking it through. So, it should be me asking for forgiveness. If you ever meet Pinkie’s last copy, please tell her how sorry I am and that everypony in Ponyville will welcome her with open arms.”

Havoc met her gaze for a few seconds before tearing up. “I want to hug you so badly right now. I had forgotten what a wonderful pony you are.” She still is best pony, after all.

Twilight laughed politely, a bit ashamed after receiving such a compliment. “I’m so glad that we can leave that behind us. Friends?” she added, extending her hoof.

“Friends,” he said, firmly shaking her hoof. “Now, I really, really need to send a message to princess Luna. If I don’t, something potentially worse than Tirek could be released. I’m deadly serious about this.”

“What?! Why didn’t you say it sooner?! SPIKE!!!”

Spike ran towards the source of Twilight’s panicked voice. “What’s going on?!”

“Take a letter, write whatever Havoc says and send it to Luna!”

Spike looked around. “I don’t know where anything is in here!”

“I’ve got this,” Havoc said, making parchment and a pencil appear with a snap of his fingers. “Now, write this:
Dear Princess Luna,
Discord killed Plastic Pinocchio. Now he roams free in the Dream World and is growing stronger with each passing second. Please do something about him before he can cause real damage.
Your loyal servant,
Sir Havoc.”

Spike took a deep breath and burned the letter, the ashes quickly leaving the palace. “What in Equestria is a Plastic Pinocchio?”

“Right now he’s a thing that lives in the dreams and can kill anyone in their sleep, and who knows what else. I hope Luna can bring him down now that she knows what he’s up to.”

“Yes, please. We don’t need another Equestria-ravaging monster right now,” Spike said. “Tirek was enough, thank you.”

“Agreed,” Screwball said, revealing that she was awake.

“Screwball, how do you feel?” Havoc asked, worried.

“My head hurts as if I had the worst hangover in the world and I had been beaten with a hammer for good measure. I also think that Discord should be turned to stone and, after I have died of old age, broken into pieces with a sledgehammer. Other than that, I’m fine.”

“If it’s any consolation, Luna said that Discord is going to be punished for what he did, and both her and her sister were furious because he didn’t tell them about you.”

Screwball briefly smirked. “That will have to do, I guess. In any case, this has been the last straw for me. I can never become an earth pony again, but from now on I’m going to start anew without Discord’s influence. I guess I could try to follow my cutie mark and become a coach or something baseball related.”

“Actually, if you don’t mind, I have a suggestion,” Twilight said, making Screwball notice her for the first time. “If I understood right, you are the only chaos pony in Equestria. If you could write down all you know about chaos magic, you could greatly help ponykind understand it. It’s been near impossible to convince Discord to share his knowledge, and the few things he’s ever said make no sense.”

“You know what? I agree, princess. If Discord doesn’t want ponies knowing how his magic works, I’m going to do my very best so everypony from Princess Celestia to the most illiterate farmer foal knows all there is to know about chaos magic.”

“Well, I can’t say I agree with your motives, but I’ll take what I can get,” Twilight said. “Havoc, would you help us? I’m sure you know as much about magic as Screwball.”

“I’m afraid I can’t. During this Tirek crisis, I realized that living in Canterlot is not what I need. I’m going to leave Equestria to explore the world and find adventure outside its borders.” Twilight accepted Havoc’s explanation, and after a series of farewells he flew towards Canterlot.

When he reached it, the Sun had already set, and life seemed to have returned to normal in most of the city. so he went directly towards the palace. The guards quickly pointed him towards Luna’s location when he asked them, and he found her asleep, her horn shining brightly. Suspecting she was fighting Plastic Pinocchio, he forced himself asleep next to her.

Using what Plastic Pinocchio taught him, he entered the Dream World, and was greeted by an explosion next to him. “Fuck!”

“Havoc, what are you doing here?” Luna exclaimed as she appeared before him, looking tired.

“I’m trying to help?”

“You can’t help, Plastic Pinocchio has grown far too strong for you! If you hadn’t warned me, he might have become stronger than me. I’ve been fighting him for an hour, but destroying his body just delays him. I fear he may be somehow merging with the essence of dreams.”

“So how do we beat him?” Havoc asked, worried.

“We need to find his real body. It must be hidden somewhere, slowly becoming one with the Realm of Dreams. Destroying it will kill him for real. Stay close to me and don’t try anything, your chaos magic won’t be of much use in this fight.”

“Let’s go to the place where I found him dead, maybe the real one is there.”

“Betraying me so early?” a voice said from behind them. “How rude of you, Havoc.”

Luna twisted faster than it should be physically possible, and when Havoc followed her movement he found she was staring at Plastic Pinocchio. The silent stare continued for several seconds until Plastic Pinocchio suddenly turned into black tar. “Another one down. I don’t know how many I can defeat before I tire myself out. We have to hurry.”

Havoc led Luna to the place where, in the physical world, he and Knightbane found Plastic Pinocchio’s corpse. More copies attacked them along the way, but when they finally arrived at the place they didn’t find anything unusual.

“Well, it was worth a try,” Havoc said.

“Wait, I think that… Yes, I can feel a trace,” Luna muttered, focused on something. “I might be able to find him from this place. You must wake up now, Havoc. The fighting will surely be intense, and I can’t babysit you through it.”

Luna’s eyes glowing with white light was the only warning before Havoc suddenly woke up. “I really, really hope this will work,” he said as he took a deep breath and tried to physically teleport to the place he had been at while dreaming.

The teleport took away half of his magic, and when he appeared in the Dream World he was temporarily overwhelmed by the amount of control he had over it. Being there in the flesh, he had several times the control he had while dreaming, and he could also use his magic freely. Luna turned around and stared at him in shock.

“Havoc?! Do you have any idea what you have just done?!” she cried.

“Back when I was human, I read a book series which had a World of Dreams which worked pretty much exactly like this one. Since going to that world in the flesh granted the characters unrivaled power compared to the sleeping ones, I thought that the same would apply here.”

“It is wrong! This Realm is not meant to have physical people in it! Leave before you damage it!”

“I’ll leave as soon as Plastic Pinocchio is defeated,” he promised, realizing how worried Luna was about what he had done.

“Then let us hurry;” she said as she flew away.

Plastic Pinocchio’s copies attacked them increasingly often, but between Luna’s mastery and Havoc’s raw power due to being there “in the flesh”, there was little they could do to stop them. Eventually, there were so many copies that it was hard to continue flying forward without bumping into them.

“We’re almost there!” Luna said as she kept destroying all the copies directly in her way. “It’s our luck that, the more copies he makes, the weaker they are!”

“Yeah, they’re just cannon fodder,” Havoc replied, using both his magic and his control over the Dream World to fight them back.

After destroying a dozen of copies directly in front of them, they saw it. Plastic Pinocchio’s real body no longer resembled his previous one. He had become something similar to a willow tree, but fleshy and hideous. Its roots were all over the place, pulsating and slowly spreading over the land. Its bark was bleeding and seeping pus, which formed viscous puddles that billowed an acrid smoke. Instead of leaves, it had stripes of veiny and pale skin. From its branches hung fruits that looked like human heads, and every few seconds one would fall and grow into another copy of his humanoid form. The air itself was tainted by it, the stench of sulfur and putrefaction so powerful it had a physical presence to it.

“Oh God this is disgusting,” he cursed as his eyes began to tear up. It took all of his willpower not to vomit.

“This place is where Twilight Sparkle fought Tirek. He is taking the energies that the Dream World uses to change in order to reflect the new reality to empower himself,” Luna explained, seemingly unfazed. “This is even worse than I thought. At this rate, he’ll take over the entire Realm in a matter of days, and then it’ll be easy for him to seize the minds of those who fall asleep. After that, there will be no power in the world capable of stopping him. He must be destroyed here and now.”

“Cover me!” Havoc said began to cut down the “tree” with Infernal Soul, but soon found that it would take him a long time of chopping. “This tree won’t just let me cut it! What do I do?!”

“You’re just using your physical abilities! Combine it with your domain over this Realm!” Luna explained as she kept the horde of Plastic Pinocchios at bay.

Following Luna’s advice, Havoc hit again, this time cutting deeply. The whole thing began to twist and shake as blood black and thick as tar oozed from the wound. Havoc felt a burning pain wherever the blood touched him, but shielding himself was impossible, as that would reduce the effect of his attacks. As he kept on cutting the monstrous thing, the pain grew stronger until it was all he could feel. Of all the painful things he had experienced, being coated in Plastic PInocchio’s blood was easily one of the five most painful ones, but not as painful as having part of his soul erased by balefire or being dragged into Equestria by Disharmony’s magic.

Eventually, he swung his axe but hit only air. The blood had blocked his ears and destroyed most of his auditive system, so only when he willed it away and healed his wounds did he hear the eerie shriek the tree made as it toppled down.

“Timber!” Havoc shouted, a lumberjack outfit appearing on him. A few seconds later, a dozen of Plastic Pinocchios attacked him, their collective dominion over the dreams managing to damage him. Startled, Havoc fought them back and killed six of them one after the other, until Luna joined him and together they killed the remaining ones.

“Excellent work! We’ve dealt a fatal blow to him!” Luna exclaimed. “Look! His roots have stopped growing!”

Indeed, the roots were no longer pulsating and spreading, but withering and disappearing altogether. Luna began to release pulses of energy, creating an expanding sphere around herself where all the manifestations of Plastic Pinocchio were gone.

“Havoc, I feel a powerful remnant of his essence a couple of meters ahead,” Luna said as her eyes glowed with white light. “Take care of it while I make sure not to leave a single trace of him here. Even the most minuscule part could be enough for him to fully recover.”

Nodding, Havoc levitated forward, soaring above the felled trunk until he found something. The branches of the tree had formed a sphere, and a faint glow originated from its center. Havoc prepared to destroy them with his axe, but they bursted into flames on their own. This revealed a glowing Plastic Pinocchio, who stared at Havoc before pulling out his mask. His real face was completely human, but his eyelids had been sewn shut, and had crude drawing of eyes on them.

“You’re smarter than I gave you credit for,” Plastic Pinocchio said. “By entering here in the flesh, you have done what Luna didn’t dare to. That won’t help you, though. For you see, I am also here in the flesh. When my vessel was destroyed, my true body traveled here in the form of smoke. Everything you’ve seen so far were just constructs sustained by my domain over the Dream. Weak, but they were needed for me to grow stronger. You two stopped the process early, but I’ve already become more powerful than you could even imagine.”

Plastic Pinocchio’s mental assault was beyond anything Havoc had faced yet in the Dream World. It almost managed to erase him from existence itself in an instant, and the only reason Havoc managed to survive was because he devoted all of his mind to reaffirming that he existed. Noticing that the difference in power wasn’t enough for a quick kill, Plastic Pinocchio tried to attack Havoc’s mind and magically lobotomize him.

Terrified, Havoc endured to onslaught, the notion of fighting back laughable. One slip-up, and Plastic Pinocchio would destroy his mind, leaving him permanently comatose. The attack was incredibly complex, with dozens of different changes to his mind and body attempting to become real. It was like trying to balance too many spinning plates on poles, knowing that eventually one would fall and break.

After what felt like days to Havoc, Luna’s magic reached his position, acting as a layer of protection against Plastic Pinocchio’s attack. This allowed Havoc to free a small part of his mind to the task of walking back, so he would get closer to Luna. Seeing this, Plastic Pinocchio jumped towards Havoc and pinned him down with more strength than his human frame should have.

Being inside Luna’s magic, Plastic Pinocchio’s power became even less dangerous, so Havoc could fight back. Keeping his defenses up, he began to launch counterattacks of his own, trying to damage or disable Plastic Pinocchio. At the same time, they wrestled physically, trying to harm each other so the pain would reduce their focus and make their control over the Dream World weaker. Plastic Pinocchio opened his mouth, and scorpions came out of it, stinging Havoc as soon as they landed on his body. Havoc teleported, but doing so made his defenses falter, and Plastic Pinocchio managed to heavily damage his body in an instant. When he appeared next to Luna, most of his bones were broken, and he was missing his tail and left wing.

“Turns out he’s here in the flesh, too,” he told Luna as he healed his bones and stopped the internal bleeding, not bothering to regrow his missing extremities. “I can’t beat him alone.”

Luna closed her eyes for a second, and when she opened them she looked at Havoc with such intensity that he took a step back. “Don’t die. I’ll return as soon as possible.”

“What?!” Havoc said, but she vanished without answering.

Plastic Pinocchio attacked him again in full force. “Your princess has abandoned you. She won’t give up the Dream World so easily, so she must be up to something. I’ll get rid of you now. It’s a shame that you’ll die like this, we could have worked together to take over the world.”

Havoc didn’t understand any of his words, too focused on not being destroyed. Plastic Pinocchio was hitting him even harder than before, and Havoc knew that, if Luna didn’t arrive in the next two minutes, he would be dead by the time she did.

“I have changed my mind,” Plastic Pinocchio said. “Instead of killing you, I’m going to turn you into my slave. In only a few seconds I’ll break through your pitiful defenses, and change your mind to make you fanatically loyal to me.”

“THOU SHALT NOT!” both of them heard, so loud it halted their fight. Havoc looked towards the source of the voice and found Luna, this time there in the flesh.

“¡Hija de puta!” Plastic Pinocchio cursed, trying to get away. However, Luna’s horn glowed and he simply disappeared, as if he had never existed.

“Holy shit,” Havoc muttered, shocked. Luna had crushed Plastic Pinocchio as if he was an insignificant insect in her path.

“Let us return to the waking world, Havoc,” Luna ordered, and they both teleported back to Luna’s chambers.

“For a moment, I thought I wouldn’t make it. Thanks for saving the day, princess!” Havoc’s euphoria died when he noticed Luna’s frown. “What’s wrong?”

“Havoc, entering the Realm of Dreams in the flesh is evil for a reason. Each time you teleport there, a part of what makes you pony, or human, is lost in the way. That is especially dangerous for us immortals. As centuries come and go, all those times you go there in the flesh, rare as they might be, eventually pile up. In the end, what’s left of you is a shadow of your former self, addicted to the amount of power you have while inside the Realm of Dreams. When the Elements restored me, I promised myself never to return there in the flesh unless the survival of the world itself was at stake. Today I’ve broken that oath.”

“But you said that he would take over the world, how does this count as breaking your promise?”

“There are powerful artifacts that would have given me enough power to destroy him while dreaming. However, gathering and activating them would have taken too long. You would have died.”

“Oh. I…”

“Save it. You risked your life for me in Sharp Ruby. What kind of pony would I be if I had abandoned you for my own sake? It’s me who should have been better prepared for an attack of that magnitude in the Dream, especially now with you humans and your strange powers.”

“Still, I’m really grateful for what you did for me. I have to ask, though… How could you kill him? I thought players can’t kill us unless it’s self-defense.”

“If only the rules were so straightforward… I was allowed to kill him the moment he tried to take over the Dream. Be careful with that. Making assumptions about the rules of this Game has gotten quite a few humans killed already.”

“Good to know. Oh, before I forget… I’m planning to leave Canterlot in a few days.”

“Oh. May I ask why?”

“After all this Tirek and Plastic Pinocchio ordeal, I’ve realized that I’ve stopped growing stronger in Canterlot. So, I want to travel the world to make things happen and learn from the experience.”

“You’re free to do as you wish, but please do ensure that you leave everything tied up before leaving. Find a proper replacement for your position as the protector of Equestria’s diamond dogs, and meet with my sister when everything is back to normal. She has taken a liking to assigning quests to humans. You may leave my chambers now, sir Havoc. It’s due time I relieve my sister so she can rest.”

“As you wish, princess. And thank you again for saving me.”

Havoc lazily flew towards his house, wanting to have a peaceful night of sleep to recover from all the crazy shit that had happened.

Author's Note

INTERMISSION 6

“How bad is it, captain?” Robin Hoof, Lady of Trottingham, asked.

“It could have been worse, most of the damaged buildings can be repaired within weeks, but it’ll be months before we can rebuild the castle wall that was obliterated,” Cloudy Sunset replied.

After the Gem Fido war and the knighting ceremony, she had returned to Trottingham and joined the local guard, as the weather patrol work didn’t really amuse her after what she had seen and done. In just a few months, she had risen to captain of the guard, having earned the respect of her comrades after single-hoofedly locating and beating five bandits. Three of them were former members of the Merry Mares, who had decided to continue stealing and living as outlaws even after Robin Hoof regained her rightful place as the Lady of Trottingham from Bruce Mayne’s hooves.

“At least Havoc got rid of that twin-headed dragon. Tirek and Discord only cared about stealing magic, but that one could have done terrible things while we were too weak to even move,” Robin Hoof said.

“All in all, we’ve been lucky. I didn’t know you had met sir Havoc before, Lady Hoof.”

“It’s a long story. He helped us defeat the old sheriff, but he had to leave soon after, and then he joined the war. During his stay here he assumed a pony form to better blend in, so that’s why only a few ponies know he lived here for many months. Keep this information secret. It wouldn’t be fair to blow his cover so he can’t come back and resume his normal pony life if he ever wishes to.”

“Yes, my Lady.”

“Oh, another thing. Do you know Diane, the baker?”

“The castle’s party planner? It’s hard not to meet her.”

“That title is self appointed and she should have asked for permission before deciding to hide confetti and balloons all over the place. Anyways, she and Havoc are very close friends. Should you ever need powerful magic, ask her. She has a magic amulet that managed to nearly knockout Tirek.”

Emerald Sword paced around the hospital’s waiting room, unable to stay still. His wife had kept it hidden from him for all of the war, so he had returned home to find her in an advanced stage of pregnancy. He had been very happy when she revealed it to him, but now he felt more scared and nervous than ever before. To make things worse, he still had to hear news about Canterlot regarding Tirek. For all he knew, the magic-stealing centaur could appear in the Crystal Empire anytime now. Since the whole guard was in high alert so Tirek wouldn’t catch them by surprise, none of his friends was there with him. He had been ordered not to join the rest of the guard while his wife was giving birth, because he would be too distressed to be an effective soldier. Only Gavriila, Lord Drogur’s wife, had decided to keep him company, and he couldn’t guess why she would do that. He had barely exchanged a few words with the diamond dog in all the time she’d been around, but he couldn’t really refuse an offer from someone as important as her.

“I’m not familiar with pony birthing,” she suddenly said, dropping the fashion magazine she had been reading for the last hour. “Just how long does it take?”

“Between 30 minutes and 3 hours,” he quickly replied. He had done his reading to know what to expect.

“Now that I think of it… Just how do you give birth to a unicorn without the horn harming you?”

“I think baby horns are soft and harden a week after they’re born. I’m not sure, crystal ponies have no horns.”

“It’s so strange, how much help you ponies need to create more of your kind. Doctors, magic to lessen the pain, hours in a hospital, and the mortality rate! When I gave birth to my first one, it took me only half an hour and I did it alone. I would have attacked anyone who got too close. It was painful, but nothing out of the ordinary. The other two were the same.”

“Lucky you. Why did you decide to come with me? You don’t even know my wife.”

“Boredom, mostly. Everyone’s worried about that magic stealing monster, seeing someone worry about something else entirely is refreshing.”

“So you aren’t worried? For all we know, he could have destroyed Canterlot and be about to attack us.”

“Of course I’m worried, but there’s nothing I can do so why waste my time whining about it?”

Emerald Sword found himself agreeing with her. They didn’t exchange any more words until a nurse called him. Gavriila left the hospital at the same time Emerald Sword entered the delivery room.

Blueblood sneered. For the last five hours, he had been going over the reports written by the medical team who treated Celestia’s humans. His team of unicorns had gathered them and done their best to heal the injuries caused by their fight against Discord, but many were suffering… ailments that had no known cure. Things had gotten better after Tirek’s defeat, as Discord himself had undone a lot of damage, but some things not even him knew how to fix.

To top it all, he hadn’t even had a chance to take a bath after crawling for hours through the least dignified streets of Canterlot.

A polite knocking on the door to his office snapped him back to reality. “Come in.”

Princess Cadance walked in, looking none the worse for wear even after losing her magic and then being sent to Tartarus. “Good evening, cousin,” she greeted. Although they weren’t related, they had been good friends during foalhood, and they often used cousin as a nickname for the other.

“Good evening, Cadance. You should be resting, why are you here?” he coldly asked. He had yet to forgive her for marrying Shining Armor instead of him.

“I can’t, not after all that’s happened. I need anything to take my mind off of it, so I thought that I could help you with your work.” She knew how he felt about her, but she couldn’t see Prince Blueblood as anything other than a close friend, maybe even a brother. She didn’t love him in the same way he loved her.

“I’m almost done here,” he replied as he resumed his work. Then, after a few seconds, he looked back at her and added: “But it’s been a long time since we’ve had an informal chat. Could you brew some tea while I read the last few reports?”

A few minutes later, they were drinking tea on Blueblood’s balcony and catching up. Blueblood wasn’t impressed to know that she practically managed the Crystal Empire single-hoofedly while Shining Armor was out trying to keep order all over Gem Fido: he knew she was capable of that and much more. He hadn’t realized how much he missed talking with Cadance until now, and she seemed to be having fun too.

“So that’s why your exports of ewe wool dropped!” he exclaimed when she revealed that she’d been forced to allow diamond dogs to use ewe as livestock so they had something to eat. “I take it they’re not…”

“Of course they aren’t sapient!” she said, eyes widening. “They aren’t like goats or sheeps, I would never let diamond dogs eat people!”

“Well, I’ve been told that pony meat is a delicacy for them. Maybe you could change the penal system. I’m sure they’ll find your most distasteful criminals quite tasteful.”

“I would feel deeply offended if I didn’t know you don’t mean any of that,” she said as she shook her head and neck, the rest of her body remaining still. “Making a carnivore race fit in with ponies has been a challenge, and I don’t know if we’ll ever manage to get rid of that gap between our species.”

“Unless we start eating meat. I’m quite certain I read about a tribe of flesh-eating pegasi who raided unicorn settlements back in the days of the three tribes.”

“And I’m pretty sure you read that in one of those books written by unicorn supremacists a thousand years ago.”

“Well, I think I remember the same book claiming that pegasi laid eggs, so you’re probably right.”

“Anyways, I’m sure we’ll eventually find a solution. I have high hopes in the development of a plant-based meat substitute. A full department of Canterlot’s University has been at it for months already, and the results look promising.”

“I know about that. Maybe in a few years we’ll have something edible that won’t make diamond dogs whine about the foul taste.”

“I never claimed it to be a short-term solution. Still, we wouldn’t have even thought about it if not for one of the humans talking about how they have something similar in their world.”

“Ugh, humans. You’re so lucky to be living in the Crystal Empire, you don’t have any of them as neighbours.”

“I don’t know why, but I’m not surprised to learn that you don’t like them.”

“Of course I don’t like them. Most of them are very dangerous, and some of them insane. They claim to come from a world with technology far beyond ours, but so far only a few have shared some of their knowledge, and most of it was only marginally useful. And if that wasn’t enough, a lot of them seem to feel an unexplainable hate towards me.
Auntie Celestia’s plan of having them all living here under control is good, but it’s not enough. Judging by these reports, Discord went all out to defeat them. Discord, the Lord of Chaos, had to go all out to defeat only the humans who live in Canterlot. We have here, what, one fifth, one third of all of them? What would happen if they all decided to band together against us?”

“Well, we have the Elements.”

“We have the Elements,” he repeated, sarcastically. “Six powerful items that can only reach their full potential when used simultaneously by their wielders. What will happen the day somepony wises up and kills one of the five wielders who live in Ponyville without any kind of protection or combat training? At least Twilight Sparkle is resourceful and quite powerful, but what about the others?”

“I see you’ve thought a lot about this. What do you think we should do?”

“First, we need to learn more about the humans. We must study them, and get them to share their knowledge by any means necessary. Imagine what our armies could do if everypony had weapons like the ones that some of them wield, or how much better our hospitals would be.
Our second step must be to locate as many of them as possible and deal with the evil ones. The others would be allowed to continue their lives, but under certain rules like the ones here in Canterlot.
Lastly, we have to ensure that this influx of superpowered individuals stops. Things are bad enough already, if the number of humans were to double or triple the whole world could be in danger.”

They kept talking for a few minutes until Cadance began yawning. “Well, I think I’m ready to go to sleep now.”

“Goodnight, cousin,” he said as she slowly got up. “And congratulations,” he added, making her freeze.

“How did you know?” she asked, her smile gone from her face.

“I only had to pay attention to all the hints in the way you move and behave. I wasn’t completely sure, to be honest, but you just confirmed it,” he answered while grinning. “I assume your husband has no idea.”

“Fine, you got me. I am pregnant. Only you, Celestia and Luna know.”

Blueblood sighed. “I guess it’s time I stop being an idiot about you and Shining Armor, now that you’re going to be parents. See you tomorrow, Cadance.”

“Until tomorrow, Blueblood.”

Attila Sarois breathed in relief. He was one of the many non-ponies who had been in Canterlot just when Tirek decided to attack. Luckily, the demon centaur wasn’t interested in diamond dog magic, so he and the griffon diplomats had been largely ignored. However, Discord had magically trapped them inside a hall so they wouldn’t “try anything funny”.

He had gone all the way from his warren to Canterlot only because the princesses had insisted on him meeting some important ponies. It was just his luck that Tirek had attacked on the same day. To make things worse, he had been forced to share the with a bunch of angry and distressed griffons who had no sympathy for his kind.

He was the first to run outside when Tirek was finally defeated and Discord’s seal was dispelled. He didn’t mind all the chaos and damage caused, all he wanted was to breath fresh air and get away from the incessant bickering of the griffons. At least there had been no yaks with them. Things could have gotten really ugly.

He was so deep in thought he didn’t notice he was walking towards someone else until he hit something big and hairy headfirst. “Huh?” he mumbled, snapping out of confusion to see a yak staring at him.

“Pay attention, dog!” he shouted. “You make me mad!”

“I’m very sorry...” he began, cursing his luck. Then, he remembered the yak’s name. “Earl Macchruim. I was deep in thought.” As he said so, he inched back so he could dodge the yak’s massive horns if he charged.

The yak snorted. “Be more careful next time.”

Attila briskly walked away before the yak changed his opinion. There was a reason why diamond dogs never raided Yakyakistan for slaves, even though it was a small and isolated nation. Yaks were incredibly stubborn and aggressive, so they were too dangerous to use as slaves. Even griffons seemed tame in comparison, especially after clipping their wings and cutting their claws. Nobody bothered yaks, not even dragons, since Yakyakistan didn’t have gemstones or anything that could interest the firebreathing giants.

However, with half of Gem Fido now under control of Equestria, dragons might consider Yakyakistan an easier target to hunt for meat. Furthermore, the resurface of the Crystal Empire made Yakyakistan and Equestria be neighbors, no longer divided by a frozen wasteland. The fact that Earl Macchruim had traveled all the way to Canterlot as an envoy could only meant that yaks were reconsidering their isolationism.

“At this rate ponies will say everyone instead of everypony,” he thought aloud, amused.

Gwar was bored. Before leaving to lead his armies, his father had ensured that Granite Back would manage without him around. Now that Gwar was the Alpha, he struggled to find something to do to keep himself busy everyday. More often than not, he would end up spending hours in the warren’s library, which was woefully incomplete by Equestria’s standards. He’d never realized just how uncivilized and barbaric his home looked like compared to Equestria until he went to Canterlot. Virtually everypony in Equestria had been schooled, while he could count how many diamond dogs knew how to read and write in Granite Back with just one paw. Drogur had moved them from his house to a public building that had been previously occupied by slaves, so they could at least claim to own a public library. He was wondering how much it would cost to have some books shipped to the warren when he felt something tugging at his tail. When he turned, he found a young pup looking at him.

“Alpha Gwar, what you do here?” he asked.

“I’m reading, young one. Is it the first time you come here?” Young diamond dogs didn’t usually talk to the Alpha, but that was mainly because Alphas were threatening and pups preferred to deal with adults lower in the hierarchy.

The pup nodded. “Keeper Julius never lets me enter. Too young, will break things, says he.”

“Be careful with the books and I won’t have to say the same thing.”

“What is reading, Alpha Gwar? Dogs only sit and look at books, I don’t understand.”

Amused by the pup’s curiosity, he answered his questions. He wanted to know how it worked, why would anyone ever want to do something like read or write, and many other things.

“Can I learn read and write like ponies?” he eventually asked.

Just before saying yes, Gwar realized that there was nobody in Granite Back who could teach pups. The only dogs who knew their letters and numbers were those who needed them for their job, and they were taught by the Keeper. However, the Keeper’s job was already too demanding to expect him to be a teacher for all of Granite Back’s children. On the other hand, he did want to have a task to keep himself busy.

“Come tomorrow at sunrise, bring any other pup who wants to learn, and I’ll teach you all.”

‘Let’s see how this works out,’ he thought, ‘I may even have to hire some pony teachers and start building a school in a few weeks.’

Author's Note

As you can see, I didn't write much during August. I decided to focus on some secondary character before starting a new arc.

37: Back on the Road

Havoc woke up with the sunrise, feeling completely recovered. When he walked out of his house he was smiling, and found his friend and neighbour Sylas lawn mowing. They chatted for awhile about what they had done the previous day until Havoc took flight and went to the palace.

The guards who greeted him looked exhausted, as did many of the ponies he had soared over, but other than that Canterlot looked just like it did before the attack. However, once inside the palace, he found a long queue of creatures he recognised as former humans, some of them sporting strange injuries. They were in the room where Tirek had beaten him and his allies, which had been already repaired.

“What’s this about?” he asked to the last one in the queue, who looked a lot like the Swamp Thing.

“They all want to speak to the Royal Sisters. It’s mostly whining and complaining, and the rare ones who are here for a serious reason.”

Havoc groaned. “I’ll try again later, got other things to do.”

His office was on the other other side of the palace, so he simply teleported there. To his surprise, Trixie was already working behind her desk, wearing a bandage that covered everything above his eyes. ”Jesus, Trixie, what happened to you?”

“Trixie is fine. I ran into a streetlight while trying to escape from Tirek and fell unconscious. Trixie woke up several hours later in a hospital, with her magic back.”

“You really shouldn’t be working if you hit your head that hard. Didn’t they tell you to rest for a few days?”

“I’m fine, Havoc. You, on the other hoof, have so much to do that you’ll be begging Trixie for mercy before lunch break.”

She was right. The amount of work that, one way or another, ended up assigned to Havoc was insane. Eventually, they stopped to have lunch and take a small break before returning to work. To celebrate that they were still alive, Havoc decided to invite Trixie to eat at a nearby restaurant instead of the palace’s canteen. When they got there, he was surprised to find Cadance and Shining Armor sharing a table with Prince Blueblood.

“Sir Havoc!” Shining Armor called when their gazes met. “Would you and your friend mind joining us for lunch?”

Cadance gave Shining and brief look, but nevertheless smiled and waved at them to take a seat.

“Is this real or are you pulling my leg?” Trixie whispered, staring at the three royals wide-eyed.

“It’s real and it’s going to be SO awkward,” Havoc whispered back before replying to Shining. “You honor me, prince Shining Armor!”

It hadn’t occurred to Havoc that the restaurant, being so close to the palace, was often used by those who lived in or near the palace. Blueblood looked at them with a small frown, but said nothing as they sat to his right, facing the royal couple. Havoc introduced Trixie to them, the showmare being so intimidated that she didn’t refer to herself in the third person a single time while ordering her food.

“Ah, so you are Trixie. I’ve been wanting to meet you for a long time now.” Shining Armor said, making her color drain from her face. “You must be tough as nails to be able to stand working with Havoc for such a long time.”

“It’s not that bad,” Trixie said after a nervous chuckle. “He usually tries to get everything done as soon as possible so he can leave work early, so there’s no time for antics.”

“Also, I don’t feel comfortable fooling around in the palace. I always feel like Princess Celestia is going to blast me for misbehaving.”

Prince Blueblood grinned. “Ah, yes. Celestia has that effect on ponies.”

“I think we’ve all felt like that around her at least once,” Cadance said, making everyone nod.

“It’s incredible how fast things have gone back to normal in Canterlot. This morning, I went to the same room where I fought Tirek and all the damage was already repaired.”

“That was mostly Discord’s work,” Blueblood said. “He blasted the whole city with his magic and undid most of the damage. Didn’t you feel it? The spell was so powerful it was felt from here to Ponyville.”

Havoc realized that must have happened while he was in the Dream World, explaining why he didn’t feel it. “At least he’s making up for what he did.”

“Now that we’re talking about this, I would like to know just what happened to you and Knightbane,” Blueblood said. “I saw both of you in Canterlot after Tirek, but Knightbane’s been missing ever since.”

“Right. With all that happened, I forgot about him. I think he’s still alive, but some stuff happened before Tirek was defeated. I’d rather talk about it later, if you don’t mind,” Havoc replied, hoping to earn time to decide how to say what happened while making himself be the hero who stopped the evil Knightbane.

“Not at all. Meet me at my office around dusk and then we’ll talk.”

They talked about trivial stuff until they got served, and they didn’t linger after that due to their busy schedules.

“Thanks Celestia it’s over,” Trixie said when they were well out of the royal’s earshot.

“It wasn’t that bad, I thought Blueblood was a massive dick but he seemed OK.”

“Well, you’ve never antagonized the little sister of one of the most powerful stallions alive and then had lunch with him, have you?”

“Oh, right, I totally forgot about that. In any case, I don’t think he’d hold a grudge over that.”

“I’d rather not tempt fate, Havoc.”

Several hours later, Havoc knocked on Blueblood’s door. He was mentally exhausted from all the paperwork he had done until a few minutes ago, but he knew a sharp wit now could save him a lot of trouble in the future.

“Come in,” he heard, and when he did he was surprised to find that Blueblood wasn’t alone: Princess Celestia herself was there.

“Princess, I didn’t expect your presence.”

“I decided to save my dear nephew the trouble of re telling me what you said to him.”

“Now, sir Havoc, tell us everything that happened from the moment you fought Tirek,” Blueblood said.

Havoc went over it, sparing no detail. How their initial attack failed, everything they tried on Tirek afterwards, how Screwball saved him from near death, and how Draken died because they didn’t have enough magic to heal his injuries. He quickly went over what they did before leaving Canterlot, and then explained why he and Knightbane got in a fight.

“I would have tried to stop him without harming him, but I was so weakened that he might have beaten me if I showed restraint.”

“So you left him heavily injured in the middle of the forest.”

“Eh… To be honest, I completely forgot about him the moment I walked into Princess Twilight’s new palace.”

Blueblood facehoofed, while Celestia just sighed. “At least now we know what happened,” he said. “Still, Knightbane trying to kill Discord... “

“We shall discuss that later. Now, Havoc, I have been told that you plan to leave Canterlot.”

“Yep. I feel like I’m just wasting my time here. I have all this power yet the only thing I do is paperwork while all the others keep growing stronger. I’m not sure where to go, but I know I don’t want to live the rest of my days as a glorified white-collar worker.”

Celestia looked pensive for a few seconds before replying. “How does protecting Gem Fido from dragon raids sound? Lord Drogur is having trouble keeping them in check. Lone dragons attack even the smallest settlement, and they’ve started to team up to terrorize large cities and force them to give away their treasures. Sending ponies or diamond dogs against dragons is sending them to their certain deaths, and we have nowhere near enough Wonderbolts to protect such a large area.”

“I think you overestimate me, princess. Adult dragons are very powerful. I could beat one if I fight with all my power, but a team of them? They would destroy me.”

“Rest assured, it won’t come to that. Lord Drogur has been working on a detection system to anticipate attacks. He's reported that soon they will be able to locate all dragons in Gem Fido and react accordingly. You won't have to fight against more than you can handle. Plus, you aren’t the first one I have sent to help."

"Hm… Then I guess I could do that. I still need to find someone to take over my current job, though."

"Have you asked Lord Attila?" Blueblood asked. "He's here in Canterlot and he's sharp for a dog."

"Hm... "

Attila sat behind his new desk, confused. That morning, Havoc had materialized right in front of him as he woke up, giving him quite the scare. Then he had babbled about duties and responsibilities and told him that he was leaving his job and expected Attila to replace him. He still wasn’t sure why he had accepted, and now that he was about to actually start he felt lost.

“... Who’s going to rule over Yellow Topaz now that I’m here?” he wondered as his new assistant, a pony named Trixie who kept talking about herself in the third person, placed a stack of papers in front of him.

“I’m sure they will manage. Now, Trixie needs you to sign all of these and write letters to the people in this list explaining to them that you’re sir Havoc’s replacement.”

While Attila scratched his head in confusion, Havoc boarded the train to the Crystal Empire, along with Cadance and Shining Armor. He had shrunk himself to pony size so he would fit comfortably inside, and was sipping tea while discussing with Cadance about taxes and the tricks ponies used to pay less than they ought to.

“As you can expect, the last taxing system the Empire had was a thousand years old, and totally incapable of handling Equestria’s current economy, so I decided to change to the equestrian one. The thing is, I didn’t expect the crystal ponies to have such a high rate of tax evasion. I swear, sometimes it’s like they knew how to cheat the system the moment they were born.”

“It doesn’t help that Equestria’s system has so many loopholes and ways to legally avoid taxes.”

“Such as?” Shining asked.

“Well, for starters, your wealth tax only takes into account actual money, so ponies can get rid of that tax by buying stuff like gold and selling it when they need the cash. You also have very little tax enforcement, so most ponies who don’t pay taxes will never face trouble for it. Equestria gets away with it because ponies there pay taxes willing and happily, but the Crystal Empire isn’t like that.” Havoc kept talking about ways to cheat the system, both legal and illegally, until Shining Armor asked him to stop before his head would explode.

“Just how do you know so much about taxes?” he asked.

"I studied accounting and economics back when I was human, and I have worked for almost a year first as a financial advisor and then as a treasurer."

"I just can't picture you with a balance sheet."

"Sometimes I feel like using my knowledge to take advantage of your immature economy and become filthy rich, but it would be too much work."

"Jeez, and here I thought your magic was your most dangerous weapon," Cadance said.

"Don't worry, I'm not planning to be blasted by the Elements of Harmony for creating stock exchange or pyramid schemes."

Hours later, the train arrived at the Crystal Empire. Havoc noticed a very large crowd of ponies, and asked the couple about it.

“Oh, right, we didn’t tell you,” Shining said. “There’s a parade celebrating Tirek’s defeat and the fact that we’re back safe and sound. It won’t take long, we’re just going to get on a carriage and wave at ponies until we reach the palace.”

“You have fun with that, I feel like getting some ice cream. I’ll come by the palace in a few hours. Or sooner, if I grow bored. I don’t know. Later!”

Havoc disguised himself as the unicorn Golden Shower and slip unnoticed while everypony cheered for the return of their leaders. After a few minutes he was walking down the street, enjoying the chocolate ice cream he had just bought, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

“Oatmeal? Are you crazy?”

Turning around, he found Diane walking with a laughing group of five crystal mares. Her eyes glinted with recognition when she saw him. “Wait, girls, that’s my uncle Golden right there! What are you doing here, uncle?” she asked as she ran towards him and hugged him.

“I have decided to leave Canterlot and try my luck in Gem Fido. Something about that Tirek monster attacking the city made me realize I was wasting my time there. So, who are your friends?”

“Oh, right! Girls, this is Golden Shower, my uncle. Uncle, these are Crepuscule Twinkle, Aurora Sprint, Quiverquiet, Rarity and Berryjack.”

Havoc looked at the five mares, amused. For some reason, they reminded him of another group of mares that lived in Ponyville. “How did you make friends so fast? You’ve been here for, what, two days?”

“A day and a half, actually.”

“Heh, I can’t believe you befriended the crystal pony equivalents of-”

“ANYWAYS, we were going to see the royal couple,” she said, interrupting him. “They are throwing a parade and all, do you want to join us?”

“Sure, why not.”

Soon after they reached the crowd of ponies surrounding the parade, Havoc was approached by Crepuscule Twinkle, who wanted to know if he had seen Tirek. When he said yes, she asked several questions, which Havoc answered as truthfully as possible without revealing his true nature. Further into their conversation, he mentioned that he knew another pony named Rarity, and Twinkle told him that Rarity was, ironically, a very common name in the Crystal Empire. Despite the unsettling similarity between the group and the Elements of Harmony, Havoc enjoyed spending time with them. They all went back to their jobs and responsibilities when the parade was over, leaving Havoc and Diane alone.

“It’s so good to see you’re safe,” she said. “I was so worried!”

“You don’t need to worry about me, Diane. It’ll take more than a dumb centaur on steroids to end me.”

“Drop the tough guy act, Havoc. Tirek’s way stronger than you, you could have died.”

“I know, but I don’t want you to worry about me. When are you going back to Trottingham?”

“In a day or two. I mean, I love this place and my new friends who don’t especially resemble any other group of ponies at all, but poor Lady Robin won’t survive a week without me.”

“I’m going to Gem Fido, dragons are attacking more than ever before and they need as much help as they can get. Still, I want to give you this,” he said, cutting a leaf from his left arm. “Comet Tail burned the one I gave her when Tirek attacked Trottingham. I guess that I don’t have to tell you that you only must burn it in a life-or-death situation, not a ‘this party needs more balloons: better summon Havoc’.”

Diane gave him an unamused look. “I won’t play around with it. Now, I’m sure you have a lot of important stuff to do, and I have only so many days to learn all the traditional crystal foods and party traditions before I go back home! Have fun with the dragons!” she added as she teleported him directly in front of the crystal palace with her necklace.

A bit confused, he turned back to his original form and went straight into the palace, stopping to speak with every other guard, as he had dealt with most of them during the war. He was surprised to hear that Emerald Sword was now a father from one of his colleagues, and that another guard had married as soon as they came back. As usual, Flash Sentry was guarding the door that led to the throne room, so Havoc blatantly ignored him and talked to the other guard just to piss him off. Inside the throne room, Havoc found the royal couple listening intently to a diamond dog, who was the first in a queue of around twenty individuals, most of them ponies.

“Hey, Havoc,” Emerald Sword, who was the closest of the four guards inside the room, called him. “I’m sorry but you’ll have to get in the queue with the rest.”

“Hey, Emerald, I heard the good news. Congratulations. Aren’t you taking a few days off?”

“This is a very busy day, I’m taking a month off starting tomorrow to help in the house.”

“What are you naming him?”

“We’re naming him after one of the ponies we respect the most.”

“Let me guess: Sombra?”

Emerald Sword snorted, amused. “Nope.”

“One of the ponies you respect the most… Havoc?”

“Modesty aside, right? It’s a pony name, so don’t try Drogur or Aio or Wartooth.”

“Woah, am I really that predictable? Hm… I guess you aren’t naming him after yourself. Who could you look up to enough to name your son after him? Is it a crystal pony?”

“No.”

“... Shining Armor?” Emerald Sword smiled, making Havoc squeal with joy like a five years old. “That’s so cute!”

“Yeah, now get in the line.”

Havoc zoned out while waiting for his turn, being just aware enough of his surroundings to move forward with the rest. Eventually, he snapped out of it when the last pony in front of him left.

“Your turn, Havoc. Let’s see if I can find the document…” Havoc said as he went through a stack of papers on a table next to his throne. “Here it is! Havoc, there’s a zeppelin leaving the city tonight. It’s going to carry some vital assets to Granite Back. You must board it and protect its cargo until you arrive. There, Alpha Gwar will tell you where to go next.”

“So he’s Granite Back’s alpha now?”

“Yes, when he returned from Canterlot, his father surrendered his title to him so Gwar could rule Granite Back while he takes care of Gem Fido.”

“Did they just skip the fighting for the title thing, then?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Drogur is trying to convince dogs that it’s best to have alphas that are good at leading rather than alphas that are great fighters and nothing else.”

“How is that working out for him?”

“Better than we expected, but most warrens won’t have elections or anything of the sort any time soon,” Cadance said. “That will be all, sir Havoc. We wish you good luck in your mission.”

Havoc bowed and flew out of the palace, going directly to the docking station, where he found three zeppelins. Finding the right one was easy enough, as its captain shouted at him to get in the moment he saw him. Soon after the captain showed him the zeppelin’s layout and where his room was, he was briefing the crew about what he was likely to do if they were attacked. Among the ponies and diamond dogs, Havoc was surprised to see a chimpanzee wearing a lab coat and smoking from a pipe. When he was done talking to them, the chimp approached him.

“You have the most lovely eyes,” he told her, noticing they were just like his.

The chimp shook its head in exasperation. “Whatever. Listen up: name’s Zira and I was also a human before I was sent here six months ago,” the chimp said with a high-pitched tone of voice that identified her as female. “Follow me, I want to show you the cargo you have to protect at all costs.”

Zira led him through the insides of the zeppelin, eventually reaching a heavily reinforced steel door. The protective spells on the door felt like an itch all over his skin, until Zira took a key from a pocket in her coat and opened it. Inside, Havoc found dozens of identical metallic contraptions, which looked like miniature flying saucers, being less than 2 meters long, and with several gemstones embedded all over them.

“What are these things?” he asked.

“They are satellites. Do you know about the dragon location system?”

“I’ve only been told that Drogur has one.”

“These satellites make it possible. They are made of an alloy of iron and magicite that acts as a magic battery. The golden gems on top are sunstones, which turn sunlight into magic to power the whole thing. The blue gems on the bottom are levistones, which allow the satellite to ignore gravity and stay afloat. The red ones are rubies enchanted with a magic detection spell. Dragons have so much magic inside of them that the rubies can detect them from hundreds of miles away. Lastly, the emeralds broadcast the information the rubies acquire, so we can read that information if we have a properly enchanted system on the ground.”

Havoc stared at Zira for several seconds, letting all the information sink. “So what do you do with that information the gem sends?”

“The short explanation is that it shows where every dragon is on a map in real time. That way, any city with a receiver can know if a dragon is coming their way up to a day before it gets there, giving them plenty of time to get ready.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” he said. He had examined the spells and their complexity had left him dumbfounded. “Does it work on something other than dragons?”

“It shows any concentration of magic big enough to be picked up, such as alicorns, a few humans or ley lines.”

“But… Couldn’t the dragons just fly up and knock these down?”

“They can’t because the satellites are one hundred kilometers high. No dragon can fly that high, the air just isn’t dense enough for them.”

“So they are up there circling the planet just like Earth ones?”

“Not quite. You see, this planet does not rotate. Instead, the Sun and the Moon rotate around it. The Sun is actually about as big as the Moon here, which should be impossible in our universe. Because of that, the satellites can remain in the same position as long as the gravity nullifiers function and there won’t be any kind of relative movement between them and Equis.”

“I guess you designed these.”

“That’s right. When I heard about the problems they were having here with dragon attacks I just came up with this. At first I wanted it to detect heat because of how warm dragons are, but I soon found that it’s easier to track magic than it is to see infrared light with enchanted gemstones.”

“How did you learn how to do all of this? It’s beyond anything this planet has right now, and you said you’ve been here for only half a year.”

“Soon after arriving here, I found myself with nothing to do but study this universe’s inner workings. For example, the laws of physics are similar to ours, but not the same. Electromagnetism is fundamentally different, and magic has an effect on almost everything. Learning all of that, plus the knowledge I brought here, was enough for me to do all of this.”

“That’s amazing. The only thing I’ve learned is how to avoid taxes. Now I wish I had studied something other than economics back on Earth.”

Zira shrugged. “In any case, you must ensure that the satellites remain safe. They are quite expensive, and once we set them up we’ll finally have full coverage of the Gem Fido territories. We’ve been at it for months, so we suspect the dragons might be wisening up. They might try to destroy the satellites before we can launch them.”

“Understood.”

Zira frowned for a few seconds, seemingly lost in thought, before talking again. “Alright, we’ve been here long enough. I don’t want your magic to damage the satellites and I’ve lots of things to do.”

After the door was properly sealed again, Havoc followed Zira to the part of the ship where their rooms were, and decided to take a nap so he wouldn’t be sleepy while watching over the ship the whole night.

38: Super Dragons

The travel to Granite Back was surprisingly peaceful. The only disturbance happened the first morning, when Zira found some diamond dogs playing with her smoking pipe. The ten seconds it took Havoc to jump in and levitate Zira away from them were enough for everyone involved to learn that chimpanzees, despite their short stature, are extremely strong and fierce. Other than that, they travelled smoothly, without spotting anything larger than an eagle.

However, the travel took longer than Havoc thought. Instead of going directly to Granite Back, they flew in circles over a large area around the den, stopping every few hours so a group of unicorns directed by Zira could teleport one of the satellites. When they did arrive at Granite Back, only a few satellites remained and a week had passed.

“You going back to the Crystal Empire?” Havoc asked Zira before leaving the ship.

“Not at all. I have to visit all the cities with receivers and check that the whole system is running without fails. Once I’m done with that I might stay in Black Diamond. The kind of gems I use in my experiments are easier to acquire there than in Equestria.”

“See you later, then,” he replied as he jumped from the zeppelin.

Returning to Granite Back brought back memories from his first months in Equestria. He laughed inwardly at how different he was back then, but the diamond dogs soon stopped his daydreaming.

“Hey, Balto’s back,” one of the two guards at the entrance told the other. “He looks uglier than last time.”

“Smells worse, too,” the other jokingly added.

“I think it’s yourself you’re smelling,” Havoc replied, starting a verbal battle about body odors and ugliness. After a few minutes, the guards remembered that Gwar told them to lead Havoc to him the moment he showed up, so they stopped arguing and took him into the den.

Havoc immediately noticed changes. The entrance’s labyrinth was no longer a death trap for intruders. Now the correct path was illuminated, and there were hilariously badly painted warning signs on all the other tunnels.

“What’s with all the signs and lights?”

“Ponies complain about dangerous traps,” he was told. “If enemies come, we take away lights and signs and it’s dangerous again.”

Once inside the main area, the part previously inhabited by slaves was completely different. There were several buildings where once stood tents, most of them aimed at visitors. There were inns, restaurants and even a clothes store. The guards took him to one of those buildings, which looked like a library.

“You have a library now?”

“Yes, Alpha Gwar takes Drogur’s books here. Says all can read them. He also teaches dogs to read. You will see.”

True to the guard’s words, Havoc found Gwar surrounded by a dozen of cubs, listening intently to him as he explained the letter “C” to them. He gestured Havoc to wait while he finished, so the draconequus took a book and read it while he waited. Fifteen minutes later, Gwar told his students to take a break and approached Havoc.

“Havoc! Welcome back to Granite Back. As you can see, things have changed.”

“True that, Alpha Gwar. I must say, seeing you teaching children their letters was the last thing I expected.”

“I know. I got the idea a few days ago from a cub who was curious about books. He made me realize that there’s not a single school in Gem Fido. This is an experiment, but I think that I’m onto something. If we want to be on the same level as ponies we can’t have our people not knowing basic stuff such as reading and math. Who knows? Maybe the famous diamond dog stupidity is just lack of education and mental activity instead of a natural handicap.”

“Well, I hope your experiment succeeds, but that’s not why I’m here.”

“True. Come, let me show you something.”

Gwar and Havoc walked out of the library and went to the barracks, where the diamond dogs kept their weaponry. There, they got in a room with a large gemstone hanging from the ceiling and projecting light on a map of the surrounding area engraved on a table right below. The light drew sinuous lines and small shining dots on the map.

“This is one of the main reasons Gem Fido hasn’t been razed to the ground by dragons in the last semester. The lines are ley lines, the one who made this up hasn’t found a way to stop them from appearing. The dots are dragons, mostly. Sometimes it’s a powerful individual like you. We were really worried when we found a dot was following the path your zeppeling should be taking as the system began to function, until we realized it was probably you. As you can see, the closest dragon is three hundred miles away.”

“This looks incredibly useful.”

“It is. Now, this part of Gem Fido is quite safe. Midnight Castle’s area is right between the Dragon Badlands and us, and not even dragons dare to fly over there. The only dragons who come here are the ones too weak or too cowardly to try attacking the dens closer to their territory. That’s why we’ve been the last to get the MADAR.”

“MADAR?”

“Yes, the Magic Detection And Ranging. That’s the name of this location system. Anyways, now that we have the MADAR we don’t need a group of dragon hunters. We’re so close to the Crystal Empire that we can get help before any dragon arrives. You and our the other two dragon hunters that are here will travel to Black Diamond. My father will then deal with you.”

“Dragon hunters?”

“Oh, did you think you were the only one willing to fight dragons? There are about a dozen of dragon hunters who have come to Gem Fido to help us. Come, I think those two are practicing in an abandoned section of the mines.”

Near the mine's’ entrance they found Goozar, the former slaves’ supervisor, who now was the mining operations overseer. The old dog was amused to see Havoc back, and gave them directions to find the dragon hunters.

“I’m starting to feel powerful magic,” Havoc said after a few minutes. “I bet it’s them.”

As soon as they took a sharp turn, they found the dragon hunters in a large cave. One of them was a light grey unicorn stallion with a black mane and a cutie mark very similar to Celestia’s. The other was humanoid, with most of his body gray, save for his lower abdomen and his long and wide tail, which were purple. Basically, he was a Pokémon, a fucking Mewtwo wielding a giant spoon as a weapon. They were tossing large rocks at each other with their magic, but stopped when they saw Havoc and Gwar.

“Come here, you two!” Gwar cried. “I have important news!”

Once they were close enough so he wouldn’t have to shout, Gwar continued talking. “We finally got the MADAR set up here, so we don’t need you two around anymore. Sir Havoc here has decided to become a dragon hunter, too. I want the three of you to get to know each other and then travel to Black Diamond to receive new orders.”

“So this is the famous Havoc,” the unicorn spoke as they walked out of the mines. “My name is Apollo. Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Mewtwo,” Mewtwo said telepathically, surprising Havoc with his incredibly original name.

“Nice to meet you two. I understand Mewtwo being able to fight dragons, but you’re just a regular unicorn, what’s your secret?”

“You see this cutie mark? It means that my telekinesis is strong enough to move the Sun by myself and that I’m good at heliomancy. Turns out Princess Celestia doesn’t want other ponies messing with the Sun so I learned to use my special talent to throw lances with enough force to kill dragons.”

“Holy fucking shit, how come you aren’t Celestia’s student?”

Apollo shrugged. “She only takes mares as her personal students, and I’m only great at moving things. My other spells are nothing to write about. Like, if I need to protect myself, my magic shields are so weak that it’s better for me to just push everything around me so nothing harmful can get close.”

“What about you?” Havoc said while facing Mewtwo. “Do you have more than four abilities or what?”

“I manage.”

“You manage,” Apollo repeated, sarcastically. “He holds the current record among us: Twenty dragons, all by himself. Once, he defeated three red ones at the same time. Only Griffon the griffon has killed more of them.”

Havoc’s hair bristled. If Mewtwo could take on three dragons at the same time, he was an extremely dangerous enemy. He would need to keep an eye on the Pokemon: any other human could try to murder him at any time, after all.

“This dragon problem…” Havoc thought aloud. “Will we have to kill every last one of them before you’re safe?”

“It won’t come to that,” Gwar said. “Dragons are similar to us in some ways. They respect power, they are greedy, and they eat gemstones. We only need to fight them until they realize we are a force to be reckoned with.”

“They’re really thick headed, so that won’t happen anytime soon,” Apollo said.

“That’s right. Now, you three should get on your way. Black Diamond is a long way from here, and the sooner you get there the better for everyone. Especially me. I’m sick of feeling the whole den shake whenever you two go all out down here.”

The two veteran dragon hunters decided to get something to eat and rest for a couple of hours before leaving, since the training had left them tired. Havoc took that chance to roam around Granite Back and catch up with some of the dogs he’d befriended back in the day. Granite Back had changed a lot, with many new dogs having moved in after their dens were conquered, either by Equestria or the Griffon Dominion. The diamond dogs seemed to have adjusted well to working instead of having slaves do everything, some of them even preferring to get things done by themselves instead of relying on enslaved ponies and griffons.

“Havoc, it’s time to go,” he heard Mewtwo say inside of his mind while he talked to an old former slave who’d decided to stay, having no family or life to return to.

The two of them were waiting for him near the cave’s entrance. Mewtwo was carrying a large backpack and his giant spoon, while Apollo carried saddlebags and a six red lances larger than him tied to his right saddlebag. When questioned, he explained that the lances were made of starmetal, which could pierce dragon scales and wouldn’t melt no matter how much fire dragons breathed on it.

“How could you even forge it into lances, then?” Havoc asked him.

“Heliomancy. I can channel the power of the Sun with my magic. I know it sounds incredibly powerful, but it’s actually really dangerous and only useful in limited situations. Most heliomancy spells can only be casted by alicorns, a unicorn like me would die trying to use them.”

Since Apollo couldn’t fly, Mewtwo and Havoc took turns carrying him while they flew towards Black Diamond. Havoc was slightly annoyed to find that Mewtwo could levitate faster than him, as long as he didn’t waste large amounts of magic to speed up.

Along the way, they talked about how each of them fought dragons. Apollo simply threw his starmetal lances at them until they died. When he was lucky, he would hit a vital spot and kill a dragon with one shot. When a dragon wouldn’t die after he threw his six lances, he would recover them while pushing away dragon fire or whatever else the dragon might use against him. His main weakness was that pushing away a dragon was near impossible due to their resistance to magic, so the most he could do was to slow down their claws and mouths when they tried to crush him.

Mewtwo revealed that his psychic powers were different enough from magic to ignore the resistance to magic that made dragons so hard to kill. Thanks to that, he could deal great amounts of damage with ease.

They didn’t talk much while travelling. It was obvious that Mewtwo was a human, but Havoc couldn’t talk with him about human stuff while Apollo was around. After talking about dragons and why each of them had decided to hunt them, there was little more to talk about. They reached their first stop, a small den called Ironfur, soon after the sunset. The Alpha hosted a feast to celebrate that Mewtwo the dragonslayer and Havoc the conqueror were visiting. Apollo was annoyed because nobody knew about him, but he didn’t let that ruin the fun.

They spent most of the second day’s morning flying in silence, until Mewtwo suddenly changed course. “A dragon hunter is in danger.”

“What are you talking about?” Havoc asked, following him.

“I’m familiar with the psychical presence of all the dragon hunters, allowing me to locate them and communicate with them if they’re close enough. I just felt a presence, and as soon as I made my presence known she asked for help. Come, we can’t waste time.”

A minute later, Havoc felt powerful magic directly ahead, and after a few seconds a medium-sized purple dragon burst from a forest below them. A few meters ahead of the dragon, Havoc saw a small shining dot flying away, dodging firebreath and bites.

Mewtwo threw Apollo at Havoc, and as soon as his magic picked the unicorn up he teleported. Appearing between the dragon and its prey, he pushed the massive creature away with a telekinetic blast strong enough to make it crash against the ground.

“Alright, now I get why he’s the best at killing dragons,” Havoc told Apollo. “Pushing a dragon like that would have taken ten times more magic than I currently have.”

“Get us closer so I can hit him, too.”

Havoc did as we has told, dropping Apollo on a clearing near the dragon’s location. The insane power behind Apollo’s magic amazed him. The first lance hit the dragon’s left hand with such strength that, instead of going through, it ripped the whole hand off. The dragon roared in pain, but then surprised everyone by shouting a word.

“Medico!”

In an instant, a brand new hand grew from his bleeding stump, as if he’d never been injured.

“He knows magic!” Mewtwo shouted, his mental message sounding worried for the first time. “Be careful!”

Apollo threw two more lances, but the dragon shouted “Custodio” and a gigantic magic shield rose around him, stopping them.

“Fools! You thought I would be easy prey like the others?” the dragon shouted. “I, Gregor the Mighty, have learned how to use the true power of my kind, lost for thousands of years. Sanguine alieno entitatem nunc acid.”

Mewtwo dropped to the ground, crying in pain when all the blood in his body turned into acid. Luckily, his recovery powers slowly fought back the damage, but at the cost of leaving him defenseless. Meanwhile, the dragon’s original target approached Havoc and Apollo. The last thing Havoc expected to see was a mechanical suit of armor that was near identical to the one Ironman used in comics and movies. The main differences were that the suit’s shape wasn’t quite human, having a long tail, a neck three times longer than a human’s, and a helmet shaped to cover a snouted head; and that its color scheme was orange and black instead of gold and red.

“That son of a bitch knows magic!” a slightly distorted female voice said from behind the helmet. “We need to hit him hard and fast before he does to us what he did to Mewtwo.”

“You two keep him too busy to raise a barrier,” Apollo ordered. “Then we’ll see how dangerous he is a with a pony-sized hole all the way through his brain.”

Havoc and the armoured female nodded and flew towards Gregor. Havoc teleported next to a wing and tore open a hole with Infernal Soul, while Ironwoman’s suit launched a barrage of small missiles that harmed his chest.

“Congelat moriatur inimicus meus,” Gregor said, and Havoc felt like his whole body was on fire for an instant, then felt nothing at all. Even his senses were gone, so he couldn’t see anything. The only thing he could do was forcing him magic to heal him and hope for the best.

After several seconds, he recovered his sight and found that his whole body was encased in ice and that he was about to crash against the ground. Instead of trying to heal himself further, he rose his body temperature until the ice exploded in a shower of boiling water and steam. Then he tampered with the fundamental laws of physics so his velocity changed to zero without having to decelerate.

He turned to face where Gregor previously stood, ready to face another brutal magic attack, only to find the dragon’s corpse lying on the ground near him with a hole between his eyes going all the way through which was big enough for him to easily crawl in.

“Woah, that’s amazing.”

“Eh, I didn’t manage to tear the whole head off this time,” Apollo said as he trotted towards Havoc while recovering his lances with his magic.

“Are there any other dragons?” he heard Mewtwo ask as he teleported next to them, showing no injuries.

“No, that was the only one,” the woman said as she landed and took off her helmet, revealing that she looked like a (disturbingly sexy) hybrid between human and snake.

“Why didn’t you warn us about the fact that he knew how to use magic?” Mewtwo asked, scowling.

“Because I didn’t know he could do that until you three arrived!” she replied, taking a step towards Mewtwo. “I was travelling from Pewterhide to Black Diamond when he ambushed me. By the time you arrived I had been dodging him for ten minutes.”

“Well, what matters is that he’s dead,” Apollo said, trying to defuse the argument.

“I’m not willing to risk it,” Mewtwo said. “He could have a spell to bring him back to life a few minutes after death. Come, Havoc, let’s make sure he won’t come back.”

Mewtwo levitated above the dragon and began to destroy the enormous corpse with his powers. Shrugging, Havoc did the same with Infernal Soul.

“This is dire news,” Mewtwo said while they worked. “Were we lucky to kill the only dragon who knew how to use Latin magic, or was one among many? I know that you know about Latin magic because you’re close to Drogur, but the others don’t and it’s in our shared interest to keep it that way, so let’s keep them out of this conversation.”

“Good idea,” Havoc replied, using telepathy too so the other two hunters wouldn’t hear the conversation. ”Gregor did use sentences instead of single words, unlike Drogur and Griffon. What was that he said: I’ve learned how to use the true power of the dragons?”

“Yes. Thousands of years ago, when alicorns were the most common pony race and the cynogriffins still inhabited the skies, the dragon language was Latin. They never spoke it in front of others, for they knew their language was one of the very few tools that all species could use to wield magic. However, as their once proud and glorious society degenerate into what it is today, the old dragons refused to teach the secret language to their offspring, for fear of what would become of them once younger and brighter generations decided to take over.
We must warn Lord Drogur and the other dragon hunters about this new development. If there are more dragons like this we could be in serious danger. We were lucky to have Apollo kill Gregor with one shot, but we could all have died here. How could we ever defeat a team of five or more Latin-speaking dragons?”

“Shit, you’re right. Still, this dragon must have learned Latin somehow. Maybe he found some ruins with teachings? Or an old book? Fuck, for all we know there might be a human around who knows Latin and is teaching it to every dragon he finds.”

“That would be really bad news.”

They kept talking for fifteen minutes, wondering about how Gregor might have learned Latin and its unique properties, until the remains were a pool of blood and gore, and the scales and bones piled together.

“Well, this is disgusting,” Havoc said, this time aloud. “At least now there’s no chance he’s coming back.”

They landed next to where Apollo and the snake-woman were waiting. The woman no longer wore the suit of armor, which was lying on a pile next to her. Now she wore only a black suit that seemed to be made of spandex. She was around seven feet tall, and her scales were orange with black black lines around red colored saddle markings. Apollo introduced her as Medea to Havoc right before Mewtwo’s voice reached all of their minds at the same time.

“Given what just happened, we need to be careful. Apollo, you’ll come with me to Pewterhide so we can warn them about the possibility of facing dragons who can use magic. Meanwhile, Medea and Havoc will go to Black Diamond. No one should travel alone, for all we know all the dragons in the world learned how to use magic last night.”

“Sounds reasonable,” Apollo said.

Medea took a deep breath, then nodded. “Time’s a-wastin’, let’s go.” Spreading her arms, she stood still while pieces of the Ironman suit propelled themselves up to her, assembling around her in seconds.

Havoc flew behind her, struggling to keep up with the speed the armor’s thrusters could achieve. “Hold on, I need to do something,” he said with telepathy so she would hear him over the sound of the wind. When she stopped, he turned into his snake form and curled around her neck.

“Now I won’t have to waste magic trying to keep up with you,” he added.

“Of course you had to turn into a snake,” she groaned.

“It’s the most practical form given the situation.”

Medea resumed her flight without answering. Now that she didn’t have to slow down for Havoc’s sake, she sped up until breaking the speed of sound, and then some.

Bored, Havoc began to talk through telepathy. “So, where did you get that armor? Did you run into copyright issues?”

“None of your business.”

“Alright, sheesh,” a few seconds later, he spoke again. “What can you do with it? That’s my business because we’ll have to fight together.”

Several seconds later, Medea replied. “Since you’re also a human, and you probably watched the Ironman movies, I don’t need to explain everything, do I?” Havoc shook his head and she continued. “This armor has pretty much everything you suppose: enhanced strength, incredible durability, lots of weapons, et cetera. No protection against magic, though, so don’t expect me to block any spell for you. I have a bigger armor, but I can only wear it an hour per day.”

“What do you mean, a bigger armor?”

“I have an armor which is about 4 meters tall, very bulky and far more powerful than this one. I can call it whenever I want, but it takes half an hour to reach me and after an hour or so it’ll leave to recharge and it won’t be available again until the next day. I never fight a dragon without it, unless I’m surprised by one.”

“Wow, you have your own Hulkbuster armor. That’s so awesome. But, what about fighting without the armor? Do you have poison glands or magic or anything like that?”

“No, I don’t. I can take on ponies, maybe even diamond dogs and griffons, but that’s it. I stand no chance against a teen dragon of my size. I’m not venomous and I have no idea how magic works. My tail is strong but nothing out of the ordinary and, while I’m much more flexible than humans, that’s not going to help me kill a dragon.”

Havoc tried to learn more about Medea, but she wouldn’t answer any of his questions. Since she didn’t ask about him, either, he eventually gave up and admired the views while they traveled. Thanks to the armor’s incredible speed, they arrived safely at Black Diamond before the sunset, saving Havoc a full day of travel. In a matter of minutes, they were in a meeting room with Lord Drogur and Lord Wartooth. The room followed the diamond dog tradition of digging a small cave in the wall of a larger cave. However, this one sported a MADAR map, good illumination, and writing utensils; three things one was unlikely to find in a diamond dog den.

“Not you again,” Wartooth complained when he saw Havoc, who just shrugged. “What are you doing here of all places?”

“I heard about the dragon attacks and decided to help.”

“Good, that’ll keep you busy and away from Black Diamond. Now, what’s so important that both Drogur and I have to know about it immediately?”

“This morning, I got attacked by a purple dragon named Gregor,” Medea began. “He didn’t stand out, until Havoc, Mewtwo and Apollo joined the battle. Then he began to use magic against us, saying phrases in a different language.”

“Apollo got a lucky hit and killed him, but he could have killed all of us if we hadn’t been lucky,” Havoc elaborated. “We became worried because we don’t know how he learned to use magic. Our fear is that he’s not the only one, that more dragons are learning -or know already- how to use magic. He used magic just like you and Griffon,” he added, looking at Drogur. “But with a dragon’s vast magic reserves powering the spells. It was insane. I’ve fought alongside Queen Moon, and against Tirek, and this dragon was on a similar level.”

Drogur and Wartooth exchanged glances. “That’s… Really bad news, Havoc,” Drogur said. “We’ll have to send words of warning to everyone: the other dens, the dragon hunters, Canterlot, the Crystal Empire, even the yaks and the griffons. We still have those weather pegasi lying around, right?”

Wartooth thought for a few seconds before replying. “Yes, they aren’t leaving until their replacement arrive, which should be in two days.”

“Then we’ll have them carry the letters.”

“We also need to prepare our soldiers for this. Dragon scales work against this kind of magic, right?”

“Indeed. We have no choice but to stop selling what we loot from dragon corpses and turn it into more weapons and armors. We’ll equip any dragon hunter who needs it first, then the Wonderbolts and the Black Wolves. We just don’t have enough stocked to equip every dog with the stuff.”

“Maybe we could send a full set of armor to every Alpha. There’s been some unrest for the last weeks among them, so a gift would placate most of them. It also shows how worried we are about their safety. That would make them take this threat seriously,” Wartooth added.

“Hm… Giving out dragonscale like that might hurt us in the long run, but I agree that it must be done.”

“Write it down. I’m going to call the others for an emergency meeting,” Wartooth said as he walked out of the room.

Drogur stared at Medea, the spoke. “I don’t remember your name. Anyways, could you leave us alone? I wish to speak to Havoc about personal matters.” Rolling her eyes, Medea walked out of the room.

“I’m glad you’re here, Havoc,” Drogur said as soon as they were alone. “The other dragon hunters have been a great help, but I don’t trust them. They all have their own agendas, and most won’t hesitate to abandon us if they think dragons pose a real risk to their lives. Don’t forget that, or you might find yourself in danger because you expected the others to endanger themselves to help you.”

“I won’t.”

“Good. I’ve seen what you can do, and I’m sure that dragons will learn to fear your name in a matter of days. Remember that the only reason they kill us and rob us is their greed. Their volcanic land is plentiful in gemstones, which practically rain whenever a volcano erupts. They have more than enough to never be hungry, and even hoard the leftovers, but they always want more. There is only one way to change it.”

Drogur stared at Havoc with such intensity that it took all of his willpower not to avert his eyes. “We must break them. Teach dragonkind a lesson they will remember in their bones,” he stated, the only emotion in his voice a cold determination to see it done no matter the cost.

“That won’t be easy, especially if there are more dragons who know the language of magic.”

“You’re right, This could be the worst thing to ever happen to diamond dogs. Maybe even the entire world. However, it could prove to be an opportunity! You said the dragon used full phrases, instead of spare words. He must have learned the language somehow. Maybe we could find his source and learn the full language ourselves. You probably don’t care because you already have full control over magic, but the vast majority of us would greatly benefit. Imagine a world in which everyone has access to magic. A world in which unicorns don’t need to train for decades to master a few dozens of spells. Instead, they would just learn a language and say out loud what they want the magic to do.”

“It’d be also a world where anyone with a charged gemstone could say: make this person’s head explode.”

“The benefits outweigh the drawbacks,” Drogur replied, dismissing Havoc’s concerns. “Havoc, I want you to try to learn how that dragon learned magic. Force other dragons who use magic to tell you, take their families hostages, torture them, read their minds against their will, I don’t care. Just get it done. Obviously, you’ll be alone in this mission. You are the only one I trust enough to do this. WIll you do it?”

For the first time, Havoc hesitated instead of blindly following Drogur’s orders. Trying to learn how a dragon learned Latin was one thing, but torture, interrogation and kidnapping were not the kind of activities he approved of. Still, Drogur’s mission was too important to just reject it.

“I will do it,” Havoc replied, promising himself to do what Drogur wanted without resorting to evil acts.

Drogur smiled. “I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me. Now, while the others arrive, tell me about your fight against Tirek. I’m looking forward to hear how he beat the shit out of you.”

Author's Note

Well, would you look at that. We're back to Gem Fido!
I thought this would be a good time to put an updated map.

This is the map of the area after the Gem Fido war. Gem Fido no longer exists as an independent nation. Instead, it's been split between the Dominion and Equestria. It is, however, far from being fully integrated into Equestria. There is no weather control, and most ponies and dogs keep to their sides without ever considering moving.

39: Dragon Hunters

Drogur and Havoc talked about their respective lives until Wartooth returned, followed by three alpha diamond dogs, Medea and five more people belonging to different species.

“Havoc, these are Alpha Claw of Broken Depth, Alpha Silverfur of Emerald Eyes and Alpha Bonesnapper of Boulderfist,” Drogur introduced him to the Alphas. “The rest are dragon hunters like you. I keep forgetting your names so introduce yourselves.”

A large and muscular male who was very similar to a human, save for his dark blue skin covered in tattoos and his pure white eyes without pupils, approached Havoc first. He wore a headdress, bracelets, sandals and a loincloth made of gold and steel. He introduced himself as Coatl and powerfully shook Havoc’s hand, stating how glad he was to finally meet the famous Havoc.

A griffon with black and white feathers past his middle-age approached him next, He said that his name was Bonhart and seemed a bit surprised to find that Havoc had not heard of him before, but he quickly recovered.

The next one was a light turquoise pegasus mare with an amber mane and a cutie mark of three stars hit by lightning named Lightning Dust. Havoc remembered hearing that name before, maybe from another human when discussing the show events that had taken place in Equestria after he got sent there, but he didn’t remember anything else about her.

The fourth one was a dark spectre, its face being two eyes and a mouth glowing with red light on his head and having two large hands with sharp claws. The rest of his body was black and seemed to constantly move like some sort of gas. His voice echoed and gave Havoc the shivers when he told him his name: Noctem.

Lastly, an alien being approached him. Having watched Dragon Ball Z when he was young, Havoc couldn’t help but feel terrified when the creature named Fridge talked to him. He sincerely hoped that he only resembled Frieza in appearance, and not in power, or else he could easily destroy the whole world if he ever wanted to.

The Alphas talked for a long time about courses of action before deciding to continue the meeting without the dragon hunters, who were told to not come back unless they were called in.

“Well, that was boring,” Coatl said. “I’m going out to get some sunlight, you coming?” he added, looking at Havoc.

“Sure.”

On the way out, Coatl stopped on a tavern and bought some beer “to pass the time”. As soon as they were out, his tattoos began to glow yellow and he sighed in delight.

“What are you supposed to be?” Havoc asked.

“An Osh-Tekk. It’s a race from Mortal Kombat, and as you can see there’s this Aztec theme going on. I get stronger under the sunlight, and I can use Blood Magic to become even stronger.”

“Strong enough to kill dragons?”

“Yup, it’s awesome. Not as awesome as that Mewtwo guy flinging dragons around like ragdolls but you get the idea.”

“Yeah. I wanted to ask you: how powerful is that Fridge guy?”

“Oh, not much. I guess you thought he was Dragon Ball strong, fortunately he isn’t. We’ve sparred a few times and I have to hold back to avoid hurting him.”

“Thanks god. I was so afraid that he would be planet-destroying powerful. What about the others? How well do you know them?”

“Well, I was the second one to join this dragon hunting thing, so I’ve had time to learn some stuff about everyone else.”

“So what can you tell me? I would like to know what to expect of everyone once the super dragons knock on our door.”

Coatl took a big gulp from his beer before talking. “Well, you already know Mewtwo, Medea and Apollo. Mewtwo isn’t very talkative but he’s so good at killing dragons that nobody cares, even if we all feel a bit on edge around him with his mind powers. Nobody knows what’s wrong with Medea, but she’s a total bitch. That armor of hers is great, though. Apollo is a one trick pony but boy is it a good trick. He loves complaining about everything, so he can become quite annoying.”

“Yeah, I know,” Havoc said, remembering how Apollo complained about literally everything while they traveled to Black Diamond.

“I think Fridge is very young, probably under fifteen. Take it easy on him, going through all this pony bullshit AND puberty at the same time must be awful. Noctem is… weird. I think he’s in denial about what happened to him, because sometimes he acts like he’s the only real person around. Still, he can steal a dragon’s life force and then turn into one to finish off his weakened opponent. Pretty neat.
Bonhart isn’t a human. I think he was some sort of celebrity years ago. He won’t admit it, but all he does nowadays is copying Griffon to try to become as popular as him. He’s very good, though, he’s some sort of freak who can memorize attacks after seeing them once and then either use them himself or come up with a perfect counterattack.
Lightning Dust is a Wonderbolt reject. Apparently she was too reckless and she got expelled from the Academy. Despite that, she’s the best there is using that technique the Wonderbolts have to take down dragons. Maybe she wants to force them to readmit her by killing more dragons that any of them? I don’t like them ponies so we haven’t talked much.”

“There are more dragon hunters, right?”

“Yeah, four more. Two humans and two natives. There’s Mike, who looks like a cat-human hybrid. Likes the ones in Skyrim, you know? At night he can turn into an Ursa Major.”

“An Ursa Major?”

“Yep, he does that and then pummels to death any dragon fool enough not to fly away. Sadly, he’s really annoying. Like, he’s always wearing a fedora, talking about atheism and being a gentleman, and calling women ‘my lady’. He’s also extremely obsessed with ponies. It’s impossible to speak to him without him changing the subject into philosophy or ponies or that kind of shit.
He’s not the worst, though. There’s also Coldsteel. He looks like a super edgy purple Sonic the Hedgehog. He’s always trying way, way too hard to look cool. He can’t really kill dragons on his own, either, so more often than not he tags along with someone else and helps. The only one who stands him is Ibis, the one who started this dragon hunting idea.
She’s actually a dragon herself, a really old one and the last of her breed. She has a magic necklace that turns her human-sized so she can easily interact with us. She’s very nice, but being around her gets weird, what with her being so old and all. I mean, when she was born humanity was starting to learn how to cultivate stuff.”

“When you put it that way, it IS a lot of time. Why would she kill her own kind, though?”

“I asked her the same question, and she told me that she wants dragons to return to their glory days. She’s given up diplomacy, so now she’s trying to force them into behaving by killing any who doesn’t. Well, that pretty much sums it up.”

“I think you missed one.”

“Oh, right, Antenna! She’s a changeling queen whose entire hive was wiped out by a dragon. She managed to kill it, but by the time it died the damage was done. Since then, she’s been hunting any dragon known to have killed. Joining us was the next logical step for her.”

“And you, why did you decide to hunt dragons?”

Coatl shrugged. “It’s good exercise, and better money. Scales and bones sell very well, and we get a share from the dragons we kill. We also can claim a part of the hoard of any dragon we kill, but who’s dumb enough to go to their land and try to retrieve it?”

“That’s a shame. So, what do you guys do when there are no dragons to fight?”

“We drink and we fight, mostly.”

“... That sounds great, actually.”

The next morning, Havoc woke up feeling dizzy. Turns out that getting drunk and then sparring with Coatl wasn’t such a good idea, after all. After a few minutes aimlessly wandering around the depths of Black Diamond (he didn’t mind living in the underground area, but a house on the surface would have been nice), he found a kitchen where Fridge was having bacon and eggs for breakfast.

“Good morning,” he tiredly muttered, then he sat in front of him and used his magic to prepare his own breakfast without having to move.

“Hi.”

After a few seconds, Havoc spoke again. “So what’s your story?”

Fridge shrugged. “The usual. I got tricked into saying I wanted to come here, then I woke up like this.”

“Yeah, one would think gods would be more original than that. How long have you been here?”

“Almost a year, now. It feels like forever, though.”

“Yeah, I can relate.” Havoc’s breakfast levitated towards him. Doing it with magic had made a big mess, but he didn’t care. His digestive system could take on anything, after all. “I miss home.”

“I miss my family.”

They said nothing for the next minutes, both deep in thought. “If only one of us could just make a portal from here to Earth,” Fridge said, breaking the silence.

“Hey, if I ever learn how to do that, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Ibis the dragon is about to arrive,” Havoc heard Mewtwo’s voice say in his head, surprising him. “Do not attack her, I don’t want a repeat of that one time.”

“Did you hear that?” Havoc asked Fridge.

“Yeah, Mewtwo always does that whenever he’s with Ibis since that one time some dogs sounded the alarm because they thought she was a regular dragon.”

“I sort of want to meet her. Are you coming?”

“Sure!”

Havoc was surprised by how fast Fridge had gone from gloom to excited. He had never given age too much importance when dealing with other humans. However, after Coatl pointed it out, he also thought that Fridge was probably barely a teenager. He felt sad for him, dragged away from his family and his life at such a young age.

Once they reached the surface, they found Bonhart applying some sort of wax to a large black dragonscale that had been fitted with a handle, allowing Bonhart to wield it as a claymore.

“Good morning, you two. You heard about Ibis, huh?”

“Yep. Nice weapon you’ve got there,” Havoc said. “If you’re half as good as Griffon with one of those, it’s no wonder you make a living out of hunting dragons.”

“I heard you bested him a couple of times. We should try sparring some day.”

“Oh, there’s Coldsteel,” Fridge spoke up, pointing at a trail of dust in the distance that was approaching them.

Bonhart groaned. “Why won’t he just die?”

The trail quickly reached them, and a hideous purple anthropomorphic hedgehog stopped in front of them.

“So, you’re the new one,” he said, looking at Havoc while smirking. “Consider me unimpressed.”

“Careful there, you could cut yourself with those edges,” Havoc replied, frowning.

Coldsteel leaned against a wall. “Those pathetic dogs might think you’re strong. We’ll see what you can do against dragons.”

Havoc crouched, like one would do to talk to a little kid, until he was eye to eye with Coldsteel. “Yes. We will see.”

Coldsteel and Havoc maintained eye contact, until Coldsteel averted his eyes and walked past Havoc, going into the cave while mumbling something that sounded like the lyrics to a song.

“Well, that was certainly something,” Havoc said. “Is he always like that?”

“Yes. At least this time he just left,” Fridge said. “He’s always either trying to start a fight or being all sad and depressed about everything.”

“So why don’t you just tell him to go fuck himself?”

“And lose our decoy? He is annoying, that’s true, but at least while he’s around dragons are too busy trying to kill him to focus on the rest of us,” Bonhart explained.

“Besides, we’re only thirteen. If one of us dies or quits, even less people will dare to hunt dragons.”

“Especially now that they might have learned magic.”

“Alright, alright, we need him alive,” Havoc admitted.

Minutes later, the largest dragon that Havoc had ever seen bursted from behind a cloud. She was easily twice the size of Abaddon, the humongous black dragon that Aio rode in the battle of Black Diamond. Her scales were golden, and the only signs of her being female were the slightly more curved torso and her lighter face, with her jaw not being as thick and heavy as a male’s. Carefully, she slowed down until she could land on a large clearing without damaging her surroundings, and then shrunk until she became roughly human-sized. At the same time, Mewtwo, Apollo and a feline humanoid that could only be Mike jumped down from her back.

“Good morning, my fine colleagues,” Mike greeted them, tipping his fedora. “Charmed to meet you, sir Havoc.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too, Mickey,” Havoc said, ignoring Mike’s outstretched arm to focus on Ibis. “I guess you must be Ibis. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you.”

“Indeed I am, Havoc,” Ibis said, her voice deep and carrying a strange wisdom and power behind it, much like Celestia’s. “Drogur has praised you in many occasions. I must admit that I am curious about you, too.”

“Man, I sure am tired,” Apollo said. “I guess they gave us underground rooms. Again. What must a stallion do to get a decent place to sleep in this den? Anyways, now that we’re all here we should meet with the alpha dogs before they start complaining.”

“Antenna has yet to arrive, Apollo,” Ibis reminded him. “Besides, after flying for so many hours I am quite tired, so I would like to rest before dealing with them. Havoc, would you kindly accompany me?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Havoc automatically replied, following her away from the others without ever considering to turn the offer down.

Ibis led Havoc away from Black Diamond, to a small lake in the nearby forest, far away from everyone else. “I gather your magic is similar to Discord’s. Could you make some sort of bathtub? With hot water.”

Nodding, Havoc snapped his fingers and a jacuzzi appeared in front of him. Ibis dipped her finger in the bubbling water and then looked at Havoc. “This is pony-hot, not dragon-hot,” she said before breathing fire into the water until it began to boil.

“Oh, right! I’m sorry,” Havoc apologised.

“Don’t be. It is a common mistake,” she said as she got into the jacuzzi, humming in delight as she closed her eyes and relaxed. After a minute, she looked at Havoc. “Don’t stand there, join me.”

Havoc’s first instinct was to immediately obey, but then he realized that boiling water would actually burn him, so he turned into his brown teen dragon form before getting into the jacuzzi. The bubbling boiling water felt great on his scales, so much that he couldn’t help but sigh.

“Interesting, that transformation of yours. It is beyond what common shapeshifters can do, but the spell itself wasn’t powerful. You humans always manage to surprise me.”

Havoc groaned. “I’m starting to miss the days when I had to keep my true identity a secret. Now everyone seems to know about humans.”

“To be fair, that might be because you have gone from living disguised among ponies and diamond dogs to becoming famous and rubbing shoulders with alicorns. In addition, the general populace is becoming aware of humans, just like last time.”

“Last time?”

“This isn’t the first time Equis has received human visitors. Last time it took only a thousand years for everyone to believe you are legendary creatures that never existed.”

“Let me get this straight: every few thousand years, the powers that be decide to put a bunch of humans in this planet and see what happens?”

“More or less. This is the third game, as far as I know. The first one took place twenty thousand years ago, approximately. From what I remember, things got out of control and a whole continent was destroyed. That first game shaped this world in many ways. You should ask one of the alicorns about it. I’m sure they know much more than I do about it.”

“What about the second?”

“That one was quite tame. You see, nobody wanted a repeat of the first one, what with the mass extinctions and destruction on a continental scale. The second game’s rules were very restrictive, allowing only to pick humans as champions and banning turning them into anything stronger than what an alicorn could handle. I think the game ended when the next-to-last human died of old age. I’m not a god or a player, so I only know so much.”

“Could you even play the game, if you wanted to?”

“Ha! I have never considered it. I am not interested in competing against such powerful beings. You see, I would rather to be the biggest fish in the aquarium of mortals than a small fish in the ocean where gods live. Maybe I meet the requirements, who knows?”

“Do you think I could win?”

“Well, you have been doing well so far. You did well to come here. We are far enough away from the things that matter to become inconspicuous. Being in Canterlot, battling Tirek, all those things you did were drawing too much attention towards yourself. That gets people killed as much as being too weak or too reckless. Keep growing powerful while the rest are too busy dealing with what they perceive as immediate threats. They won’t forget about you, but the saying ‘out of sight, out of mind’ is quite true. They won’t realize just how much of a threat you are until it is too late for them.”

“I’d never thought about it that way,” Havoc admitted. “I thought that becoming notorious and having powerful friends would ensure my safety. Then I almost got killed by Tirek and I realized that being under the spotlight only makes me an easy target.”

“Exactly. Now, I think you won’t be surprised to learn that I didn’t request you to join me just to give you pieces of wisdom. Mewtwo told me about Gregor, but he was rather succinct. I would like to hear everything you know about that.”

Despite the boiling water, Havoc shivered. Ibis’ gaze had gone from soft and motherly to hard and ruthless. “Well. You see, he started saying words in another language and magic happened. I think-”

His words were cut short when Ibis moved forwards, her head inches apart from Havoc’s, and spoke. “I am not like the rest of my kind, Havoc. How do you think I was able to get this amulet that shrinks me, something not even alicorn magic can do? How come I hunt my own race, even though my scales and fire are among the weakest? I know Draconish, the true language of my kind, which is the same as the language you call Latin in your homeland. My parents taught it to me before my wings came out.
You must tell me everything you know. The other dragons are corrupted beasts that no longer deserve to be referred to as anything other than monsters. If they rediscover the true power we wield, the entire world might be razed to the ground with nothing being able to stop it.”

Havoc said everything he knew, sparing no detail. Ibis groaned, annoyed by how little he actually knew. “For a thousand years, I travelled all over the world erasing all records of Draconish, to keep it hidden and forgotten. I thought I had been thorough enough, but it seems I wasn’t.”

“Wait a moment,” Havoc said. “I have many questions.”

“Alright, what is it?”

“You said your scales are the weakest. Is that because you don’t belong to any of the seven colors?”

“The seven colors,” Ibis spat. “I will tell you about the seven colors. In the beginning, there were more than a dozen colors, but only one mattered. The platinum dragons were our royalty, as they were the strongest and most intelligent of us. Two platinums would create more platinums, but any color combination has a chance to lay a platinum egg. Bronze, silver, and my own gold are colors that occur when a platinum has offspring with any other color. Each color inherits one characteristic of the platinum. Bronze has the size, growing larger than any other, and the strongest firebreath. Silver has the scales and strength. We goldens have the intelligence and magic prowess. The other colors were all roughly the same. Then, the seven Lords betrayed the platinums. Each of the Lords belonged to a different color, and they made a pact with Tiamat, our dark goddess. Tiamat would give them the power to get rid of the platinum dragons, and in exchange they all would become slaves to the emotions she embodies: greed and rage. Immediately, all the dragons of those seven colors became stronger and unable to control themselves. With their numerical superiority and new powers they eradicated the platinums, and then the golds, silvers and bronzes. They have a natural hate towards the platinums, so strong that they will smash any platinum egg they lay, so no platinums are born anymore.”

“Wow, that’s… I had no idea.”

“The only reason they didn’t destroy the whole world is that the blinding rage that took over them turned them into beasts unable to speak. For better or for worse, Tiamat’s influence weakens with every generation. Luckily, by the time the influence weak enough for newborns to learn languages, Draconish was a dead language. There might be a day when they return to how they were before, and my race will recover its lost glory. That day is far away, though, so we must stop them from learning Draconish no matter what.”

“I get that. Still, how do you fight other dragons without Draconish if you’re weaker than them?”

“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but I’m one of the oldest dragons alive. It is not often that I find a dragon who poses a risk, they are too small and inexperienced. And, if things get rough, all I need is a whisper to destroy my enemies.”

“You are one scary dragon lady. Just how powerful are you? Could you defeat Celestia, or even Discord?”

Ibis laughed. “I know for a fact that Discord can just snap his fingers and end my life. I lived during his reign, and I remember how he forced all the half-savage dragons to submit to his will. He gathered thousands of them and killed them by the hundreds until they fled in terror. Celestia… Well, let’s say we stay away from each other.”

“Now I really want to know. What happened?”

“I sneaked into the royal library, back when it was in the Everfree Forest’s castle, to destroy all books that mentioned Draconish. She caught me and we ended up fighting. I didn’t want to kill her, because someone has to move the Sun every morning, and she’s not into killing. Luckily, we fought at night when she can’t call on the full power of the Sun, so I could overwhelm her and flee while she recovered from her injuries. I really would rather not fight her ever again.”

“Awesome. Now, I have one last question: what do you want from me that’s important enough to share all this information with me?”

“Because you are very hard to kill, and I could use someone with that trait. I must know how Gregor learned Draconish. That will involve sneaking into lairs and searching through other dragons’ hoards. I need a partner who can hold his own.”

“Why not Mewtwo? He’s the best at fighting dragons.”

“Because I don’t like him. I know he can read minds, and mine holds many secrets I don’t want him or anyone else to see. Being next to him for long periods of time is out of the question. It has to be you.”

“Alright… So what’s your plan? We ditch Gem Fido and go to the Badlands to look for clues?”

“Nothing like that. Everything will be the same, but every once in awhile you’ll come with me and help me investigate. I would rather have some help if I have to fight another dragon who knows Draconish.”

Havoc nodded. “I like your plan. Alright, count me in.”

“Good, now let’s go back. And remember: this will be our secret. I won’t be happy if you run your mouth about this.”

“Understood.”

When they got back, they didn’t find any of the other dragon hunters on the surface, so they went into the underground. Soon, a diamond dog approached them. “Alphas have orders for you. Go see them now.”

“Let’s see what they want this time.”

The dog led them to the meeting room, where the alphas and the other hunters were already gathered.

“Good, now that you’re all here, we can discuss the matter at hand.” Drogur began. “By now you all know about Gregor. However, we just got a message from Queen Antenna. Last night, she fought a teen dragon who could also use magic like Gregor. Luckily, she managed to get some information from the dragon before killing him. She wrote that the source of these magic dragons is a place named Castle Vadriz. She-”

“Is she sure about that?” Ibis asked.

“I think so, why? Do you know where is this Castle Vadriz?”

“Drogur, there are two places in the whole world I actively avoid. The first one is Midnight Castle, for obvious reasons. The second one is Castle Vadriz. It is a gigantic mountain that was turned into a castle meant to house us dragons. Ancalagon, the Black Lord, lives in it.”

“Hm… Are we supposed to know who that is?”

“He is to the rest of us dragons what Celestia is to ponies, both in age and power.”

“If he’s that powerful, how come none of us knew about him until now?”

“He never leaves Castle Vadriz. There is a reason my race built such a massive building there. Vadriz is actually a volcano that releases massive amounts of gemstones from deep within the planet. He is so massive that he would starve if it weren’t for that, and he won’t ever abandon such a precious hoard.”

“So a demigod dragon is teaching magic to the others,” Havoc said. “That’s just great. What do we do now?”

“Any ideas, Ibis?” Drogur asked.

“Not yet. This is really bad. For as long as I remember, Ancalagon has been a rage-filled monster unable to do anything but kill anything he sees. If he’s the one teaching the others magic, we’ll need help. Discord backed up by the alicorns and all of us, at least.”

“Discord couldn’t handle Ancalagon on his own?” Havoc asked, confused.

“I doubt it. Ancalagon is probably way beyond Discord in the raw power department, and now that he has magic he can use that power to its full potential.”

“Okay, I was scared before. Now I’m terrified,” Fridge said. “What can we do?”

“For now, we improve our defenses,” Drogur said. “We’ll create dragonscale equipment for everyone who needs it, and take advantage of the MADAR so we won’t be caught unprepared. All of you who want armor or weapons, go with Wartooth to the armory. We’ll have another meeting tomorrow to decide where each of you will be located.”

Havoc prepared to leave, but Ibis motioned him to stay. When only Drogur, Ibis and him remained in the room, Ibis spoke: “Bulla circa cubiculum quod absorbet sonitus. Now we can speak freely, no sound will get out of this room.”

“So you’re in on this, too,” Havoc said, looking at Drogur.

“Yeah, the first time she heard me say magic words, we had a very long talk,” he explained. “She also warned me against teaching Draconish without her permission,” he added, frowning.

“Things have changed. Drastically. Ancalagon is one of the Seven Lords that made the pact with Tiamat. He was turned into a mindless beast, so he was relatively harmless. Now, he might have recovered his intelligence, which means he’ll speak Draconish and unleash magic powerful beyond measure if he wants to. I want to take a look around Castle Vadriz to learn what is going on. I’ll take Havoc, Lightning Dust and Coldsteel with me. Meanwhile, you have my permission to teach the Black Wolves everything you know, not just the basic words we agreed on.”

“Who are the Black Wolves?” Havoc asked.

“An elite group made entirely of diamond dogs with alpha blood. They are those too weak to become Alphas or Betas, or those who have allowed their offspring to take over their dens. They train everyday to become the best at fighting anything too dangerous for the average dog soldier to handle. They also know some magic to give them an extra edge in combat, but they make a blood pact never to challenge a Beta or Alpha. I don’t want them to train and then use their training to become Alphas.”

“Seems like a tough deal, how many of them are there?”

“Roughly a hundred. The offer of becoming the most dangerous and fearsome diamond dogs in the world is very tempting, despite the drawbacks.”

“Ibis, why do you want Coldsteel to come with us? He’s a total idiot.”

“Both him and Lightning Dust are very fast. I want them to travel back and forth to keep us communicated.”

“When do we leave?”

“Now,” she said before letting out a long phrase in Latin, which made both Coldsteel and Lightning Dust appear right in front of her.

“What the hay?!” the pegasus screamed.

Ibis gave them a brief summary, and they both agreed to join the mission, to Havoc’s surprise. In less than an hour Havoc, Lightning Dust and Coldsteel were riding atop Ibis’ massive back as she soared the skies.

Author's Note

Damn, this one took forever.

40: Castle Vadriz

“Are we there yet?” Coldsteel asked.

“No,” Ibis replied.

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we there yet?”

“No.”

“Are we-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Havoc shouted. Coldsteel and Ibis had been at it for half an hour, and before that Coldsteel had been pestering both Havoc and Lightning Dust with mean questions and general rudeness.

The travel to Castle Vadriz had been some of the worst hours Havoc had suffered through. Ibis was a very fast flier, so Havoc had set up a magic barrier around them so the wind and noise wouldn’t annoy them. The travel had been extremely uneventful, as Ibis had decided to fly above the permanent wall of smoke and ash that covered the Dragon Badlands. They had spotted another dragon in the distance, but it decided not to approach them.

“There it is. Castle Vadriz,” Ibis said five minutes after Havoc’s outburst, gathering everyone’s attention. In the horizon, a single mountain broke through the volcanic clouds. Squinting, Havoc realized that the top of the mountain had been carved to become a tower.

“Wow, it’s huge,” Havoc said.

“I didn’t know things so large could be built,” Lightning added.

“Meh, it’s not THAT big,” Coldsteel muttered without conviction.

“Lightning, it’s your turn,” Ibis said as she slowed down. “Take a quick look below the clouds. Don’t forget the mask.”

Lightning Dust nodded and put on a gas mask. It was very similar to the ones used by humans to survive chemical warfare, but using magic to compensate for the lack of technology. The mask’s magic also protected Lightning’s skin from the abrasive smoke. It had been designed by Zira so Wonderbolts could fight in the Dragon Badlands without asphyxiating and suffering burns all over their body.

“If I take that off, would you die?” Havoc asked her, unable to resist himself.

“It would be extremely painful,” Lightning replied, her voice distorted by the mask.

“You’re a big mare.”

“For you,” she said as she dove off Ibis’ back.

“So, Ibis, what was your life like before starting this dragon hunting thing?” Havoc asked while they waited for Lightning Dust to return. “Like, what have you been doing for the last few years?”

“Well, I have grown to love bustling cities. I move to a different city every few decades, always pretending to be a teen dragon. By the time I return somewhere, it’s been more than a hundred years since anypony there heard about me. I’ve been living in Manehattan for the last ten years.”

“Huh.”

“I also change cities when I wake up from a century-long nap.”

Ibis talked about some of the cities she had lived in for the last years, most of them being far away from Equestria. Eventually, Lightning Dust returned, her eyes wide open.

“What did you see?” Ibis asked.

“I have seen him,” the pegasus replied so softly that Havoc barely heard her.

“What was that? Speak up,” Ibis asked.

“I have seen Ancalagon. His h-head was poking from the castle’s main door. He’s bigger than an Ursa Major! Oh Celestia we’re all gonna die I just kn-”

“Take off the mask and start taking deep breaths,” Ibis ordered, then waited for a moment. “Now, what else did you see?”

“There were more dragons, less than ten, and they were all smaller than you. One of them was talking with Ancalagon, and the others were flying around the castle.”

“Are you sure they were talking?”

“I didn’t get close enough to listen, but my sight is pretty good.”

“Do we get in and kill him while he sleeps?” Coldsteel asked.

“That could work,” Havoc said. “He’s so big that I could shrink myself enough to swim into his brain though his bloodstream and then return to my original size.”

“That wouldn’t work. He would feel the magic signature of any of us if we got too close,” Ibis replied. “Well, now that we know that there isn’t an entire army waiting for us to cross the smoke screen, we can land and consider what to do next. Hold on tight.”

Ibis nose-dived, crossing the acrid smoke too fast for the ones riding her to get burnt. Then she slowed down and landed behind a small hill, out of the castle’s line of sight. There, she shrank so she wouldn’t be easy to spot.

“We can’t get closer, too risky,” she said. “We should observe and, when any of Ancalagon’s guests leaves, follow them until we find a good opportunity to confront them.”

Havoc sat down and relaxed, enjoying the scenery. The Badlands were just like he remembered them: hot, desertic and with lava rivers. The area had a certain beauty to it, even though it was dangerous and uninhabitable for most species.

“When I signed up to hunt dragons, I expect less waiting and boredom and more actual dragon hunting,” Lightning Dust eventually said, snapping Havoc out of it.

“How many dragons have you killed so far?” Havoc asked.

“Only two. I’m never lucky to be around when a dragon attacks. The only times I’ve managed to get to a fight in time it was almost over.”

“So she’s never killed someone,” Coldsteel said. “Ibis, why did we bring her? I’m faster and I doubt she has the guts to do what she must.”

“I’m right here, you know?” Lightning said.

“He’s got a point,” Ibis replied. “You’re here because he can’t fly, and I need someone fast enough to keep up with me in an aerial fight. I don’t expect you to kill anything on your own, only to provide support.”

“You think I don’t have what it takes? I’m better than any Wonderbolt, and they’ve killed many dragons!”

“I know you will either hesitate when the moment to strike a killing blow comes, or do it and then break down and become a liability. You might be faster and a better fighter than most Wonderbolts, but they have military training and each other to help them through the experience of killing someone. You have nothing. I have dealt with hundreds of hotheads like you. You are full of self-confidence and eagerness, until it all comes crashing down and I have to clean the mess.”

Ibis’ cold stare quickly dealt with Lightning Dust, making her squirm and look away, unable to reply. Coldsteel and Havoc looked at her with similar shit eating grins, until Havoc felt bad about it and laid down next to her.

“Hey, don’t be sad,” he said. “It’s not easy to kill. If it were, you ponies would be killing each other all the time. I had a hard time after I first killed someone, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. Ibis is just worried about us, that’s why she wants you out of the fighting.”

“Why does everypony think I’m not good enough for them?” she asked. “The Wonderbolts kept pushing me back when I was the best, and now you all won’t let me do what I came here to do because you think I won’t be able to handle it.”

“Come on, don’t be like that. We know you’re great, and with a bit of experience you’ll become even greater. Even if Ibis doesn’t believe you capable of killing, she still trusts you enough to bring you with us, right? Right?” He emphasized, looking at Ibis.

Ibis sighed. “Lightning Dust, if you weren’t good enough I’d have taken another heavy hitter so Havoc could be a scout. You are a great flier and, from what I’ve seen, none of the Wonderbolts has your natural talent. Now that we're done with the motivating talks, can we get back to the mission? I see someone flying away.”

Havoc got up next to Ibis and looked at Castle Vadriz. Ancalagon seemed to have retreated into the castle, and a red dragon was flying away from the castle while the rest kept circling around it.

“Let’s follow him,” Ibis said as she took flight.

They trailed behind the red dragon for at least two hours as he went north, until they reached the sea. There, he landed near a cave created by the sea’s erosion and went inside. Ibis and the others landed a hundred meters away from the cave.

“Well, picture me surprised,” Ibis said. “He lives in a sea cave. I can’t believe someone so stupid made it into adulthood.”

“What’s the problem with living here?” Havoc asked.

“Sea serpents, leviathans and some other creatures from the sea can get the better of an unprepared dragon when fighting in a cave, where you can’t fly. A tsunami could also sweep away your hoard. We live on mountains. Living here doesn’t make sense,” she explained, then shook her head in confusion. “Anyways, here’s the plan: we go in, I return to my original size and beat him into submission. Havoc, be ready to help me if he starts using magic.”

She looked at Coldsteel and Lightning Dust. “You two stay here and warn us if you spot another dragon coming this way.”

Havoc followed Ibis as she silently sneaked towards the dragon’s cave. As they got closer, Havoc could hear the red dragon’s heavy footsteps and the unmistakable sound of coins hitting the ground. The cave rose above the sea level after a few meters, so they could walk on sand rather than swim. After walking for a minute through a corridor too narrow for Ibis to fit in her true size, they reached a large chamber where the red dragon was trying his best to cover his whole body under all the gems and gold coins that made up his hoard. He didn’t notice them as they closed in on him, so he yelped in surprise when a gigantic dragon twice his size appeared out of seemingly nowhere and punched him in the face. In the fraction of a second it took him to react, Ibis already had him in submission hold, using her larger body to keep his arms and wings trapped, her arms keeping his mouth shut and his head immobile, and her tail hugging his legs.

“Now listen here, whelp,” Ibis began. “I know you’ve been near Castle Vadriz. I want to know what’s going on there, and you’re going to tell me. Oh, and don’t try anything funny. If I hear something I don’t like, I’ll break your wings. Understood?” The red dragon nodded, so Ibis shifted her body so she would have one hand around the dragon’s neck and the other near the base of his left wing.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” he said and Ibis ran her claws along the his wing, tearing its delicate leather in some places. The dragon cried in pain. “Stop! Stop! I’ll talk! I heard from a friend that the castle mountain was no longer dangerous and that dragons who went there learned incredible secrets. I went there but the black one inside the castle was so big that I decided not to risk talking to him.”

“Is that so? I find it hard to believe that you’d just leave without talking to anyone?”

“I-I just talked with another dragon I knew. He told me that the giant can make any dragon how to become incredibly powerful, but only if he deems you worthy.”

“You’re lying again,” she said as she got ready to hurt him again.

“Potentia!” the dragon shouted and a surge of power allowed him to throw Ibis off his back and get up. “Auxilium!”

“Silentium,” Ibis said as she dodged a punch. When the red dragon tried to say more magic words, he found that no sound came from his mouth. “Fortitudo, celeritate et tolerantia.”

Moving faster than any being of her size should, Ibis unleashed a brutal barrage of hits with her fists, knees and elbows. The red dragon could do nothing against her, and in a matter of seconds she had beaten him to death. Havoc felt cold shivers all over his body when he noticed that Ibis was smiling the whole time.

“He’s called for help,” she said, her smile turning into a frown. “We need to get out, fast. For all we know there could be a dozen like him coming this way.”

Shrinking herself to fit through the cave’s narrow entrance, Ibis followed Havoc as he flew out. Lightning Dust and Coldsteel met with them when they noticed their fast exit.

“What happened?” Lightning Dust asked.

“He sent a distress signal,” Ibis said. “We’re going to hide and see just how many dragons come to help. If there aren’t too many, we’ll kill them all save for the weakest, and then we’ll bring that one to Black Diamond for a proper interrogation.”

“I like the sound of that,” Coldsteel said, smirking and cracking his knuckles.

True to Ibis’ warning, three dragons arrived in less than five minutes. One of them was a blue female larger than most dragons, but still small compared to Ibis, while the other two were a smallish green and a average-sized purple males.

“I’ll handle the blue and the purple, you three focus on the green. Try not to kill him.”

They all charged in, taking advantage of their smaller size to get close to the dragons without being seen. Ibis attacked first, turning big just in time to snap the blue’s neck, killing her instantly. Then she turned to face the purple while Havoc hit the green’s right wing with Infernal Soul, breaking it and forcing him to land.

The dragon said a long phrase, and hundreds of fireballs appeared around him and darted towards Havoc. The fireballs were moving too fast for him to teleport, so he summoned his black axe and blocked with it those he couldn’t dodge. Meanwhile, Lightning Dust and Coldsteel kept on attacking, targeting the sides and the neck. Unable to hit the two speedsters, the dragon thrashed in frustration. Meanwhile, Lightning Dust’s razorwing and Coldsteel’s punches slowly wore him down.

“You’re too slow!” Coldsteel taunted, and then jumped to punch the dragon in the face.

“Retardo!” the dragon shouted, and grinned as Coldsteel began to move much slower than he should, as if he was in water rather than air. Coldsteel could only open his eyes with surprise and terror as the dragon brutally swatted him down, a surge of sand rising where he hit the ground.

The dragon breathed deep, flames seeping from the corners of his mouth as he readied a flame breath, but Lightning Dust swept Coldsteel away just in time to avoid the fiery death. While the dragon was busy releasing his fire, Havoc returned to the fight, his body badly charred. Focusing most of his magic, he hit the dragon in the back of the head with the dragonbone hammer, the resulting impact being so brutal that it knocked the massive beast down and left a crack in the “head” of the hammer.

Knowing that he had not enough magic left to fight anything stronger than an angry timberwolf, he rushed towards the purple dragoness that Ibis had killed first and drained all the magic he could from her corpse. Only then did he look around to assess the situation.

Ibis was exchanging spells with the purple dragon, who seemed to be barely holding her off. Meanwhile, Lightning Dust was flying towards Havoc, with a worried look.

“Coldsteel is badly hurt!” she said. “Come, you have to help him!”

“I can’t!” he said. “My magic can’t heal others.”

Even then, Havoc had no idea why his magic couldn’t perform something as simple as healing others, when it could heal him and perform much more complex feats. Still, this limitation meant that only Ibis’ magic could help Coldsteel.

“Let’s help Ibis so she can save Coldsteel!” he ordered as he flew towards Ibis and her opponent.

When he was close enough, Ibis noticed him and assaulted the other dragon with a barrage of spells, leaving him open for a sneak attack from Havoc. Using Infernal Soul, he hit the purple dragon at the base of the neck, his whole body spasming as his spinal cord was severed. Ibis then rushed towards him, grabbing his head and biting him in the neck, the brutal strength of her jaws ripping his head from the rest of his body after a few violent yanks.

“Holy fuck,” Havoc said as he drained the magic from the newly deceased dragon. “I think I’m falling in love. By the way, Coldsteel is badly hurt, go help him maybe?”

Releasing the corpse, Ibis dived towards Coldsteel’s location. Meanwhile, Lightning Dust approached Havoc.

“I hope she can save him,” she whispered. “I don’t like him, but he doesn’t deserve to die.”

Havoc asked what happened to Coldsteel, and whistled when she told him. “I didn’t know dragon magic was capable of slowing time like that. That’s one of the things I can’t do.”

After a few seconds, Lightning Dust spoke again. “This is so unfair. Dragons already had the physical strength, firebreath, immortality and durability. Our only advantage was our magic, and now they have magic that’s stronger than what any unicorn can do! All I can do is make my wings cut their skin, how can I compete with them?”

“A mouse can’t compete with a lion, either. It’s unfair, but that’s just the way things are. There’s always a bigger fish. Alicorns beat dragons, Discord beats the alicorns, and the Elements of Harmony beat everything so far. You are not forced to fight dragons. I don’t think anyone will blame you for quitting now that dragons have become even more powerful.”

“I don’t want to quit! I’m just saying that dragons have it too easy.”

“Okay, okay. Hm… Let’s check on Ibis and Coldsteel.”

They found Ibis, back in her reduced form, on her knees near Coldsteel, bathing him in a golden light that came out of her hands. She was muttering in Latin, and Havoc couldn’t help but shiver when he felt the power behind her magic. Coldsteel’s body convulsed during the whole process, until Ibis stopped after a full minute.

“I couldn’t save him,” she coldly stated. “He is dead.”

“You tried your best,” Havoc said.

“Cut that crap, human,” she hissed. “I failed, and now a child is dead. He was hated by many, but that is because nobody knew what he went through. He was ten years old, and now he is dead. I knew he didn’t have much time left, he was a piece of the game of the gods with no chance to win. However, that does not change the fact that he has died.”

“Should we bury him?” Lightning Dust asked.

Ibis shook her head and, breathing deep, unleashed a torrent of flames on Coldsteel’s corpse, cremating it. Then, turning back to her original size, she grabbed the unconscious body of the green dragon and took flight, with Havoc and Lightning Dust following her in silence.

Author's Note

3: Grotesquely Mary Sueish

Whatever I think I saw is gone now. Shit, I hoped to find a way out of this. I guess I can only wait, so I will continue with my story in the meanwhile.

I felt a powerful magic enveloping me, and I was teleported to a grassy hill, from where Ponyville was a small spot in the distance. In front of me was a pinkish mare with a violet and white mane. Her eyes were purple with a white spiral instead of pupils, and her cutie mark was a baseball and a screw. She also had a beanie with a propeller on top which allowed her to fly around. I turned back to draconequus, the pain in my jaw disappearing to my relief.

“This should be far enough, a chaos battle is no place for the Elements of Harmony,” the earth pony said.

“Screwball?” I asked.

“You know my name, huh? You must be one of those bronies father warned me about,” she said with anger, “pray to your divinities, for your life is about to end.”

“Look, I don’t know what your deal is, but I don’t want to get involved. I just want to find a way back home,” she laughed when I said that.

“You know nothing, Havoc. You are but a chess piece in a larger game, and your master won’t allow you to leave the chessboard until you win or you die.”

“That’s two game of thrones references already... Anyways, I don’t believe you, there must be a way for me to return home. And if there isn’t, I will just live here and enjoy it.” It can’t be that hard, can it?

“You are fooling yourself if you think that. Now prepare to die.”

“You really want to kill me? You are just a weird pony, and I am a freaking draconequus!” I exclaimed, ready to release the frustration I had bottled up against the universe on her.

“You are just a draconequus minor, and I am Discord’s harbinger!” she said, and then she attacked.

She had somehow been hiding her chaos energy from me, as I could only feel it when she used it. Or maybe it’s not something I can feel like Pinkie’s chaos. I didn’t feel energy coming from Twilight Sparkle, either. She conjured a bazooka that fired confetti towards me. A knowledge I didn’t knew I had told me that the apparently harmless projectile would severely drain my magic reserves, and how to stop it. I conjured a party hat that protected me from the assault, as nothing happened when the confetti touched my skin. Then I attacked with a soda siphon, that she drank wholly.

To the untrained eye, all of those things would look like we were playing, but that’s the deal with fights between two chaos users. I will try to explain it: when two creatures that use chaos magic fight each other, the fight is double. On the one side, there’s the normal fight, in which you try to kill the opponent by normal means, on the other side, there’s the chaos part. Doing something chaotic against your opponent will do real damage if he’s unable to come up with an appropriate counter. That is why the way to win is to be more unpredictable and better at improvising than your opponent, so you can reduce his magic reserves until you can kill him with a normal attack. Of course, I wasn’t fully aware of all of that at the moment, I was just following my instincts and hoping they would lead me to victory.

We started a pie fight, both of us summoning them and throwing them at each other. Her smaller frame gave her advantage, but I managed to get close enough to her while blocking her pies with my own to maul her with my right arm. The deep wounds on her belly healed a few seconds later, leaving part of her body soaked in blood but intact.

“Impossible! When did you learn to fight chaos with chaos?!” she asked.

“I have no idea,” in fact, I had never gotten myself in a serious fight back on Earth, so I was as surprised as her. “Surrender already and I won’t hurt you.”

“You really think you can win?” she said, then she started laughing like a maniac, “IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZER!”

She opened her mouth more than it should be physically possible and fired a huge blue laser. I tried to avoid it, but I was too slow and it vaporized a third of my left arm off. Luckily, my ent arm was almost insensitive to pain and could regrow, so I sped up its regrowth with magic. Doing so severely reduced my mana, but I still had enough to keep on fighting. I threw a blue book with a white f on the cover to her face, but she summoned a blue tweeting bird that stopped it midair. She summoned a shotgun that fired piranhas, but I created a cauldron full of boiling water and forced them to fall in it, then I opened a blue portal, stuck my finger inside, and it exited through an orange portal in front of the shotgun, blocking the barrel. Screwball opened fire and the shotgun’s barrel exploded in her face, blackening it. She cleaned herself and positioned herself to launch a kamehameha, so I imitated her position.

“KAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEHAAAMEEEEEEEEEEE” we shouted in unison, “HAAAAAA!”

Two huge energy waves, hers pink and mine blue, collided midair. The logical thing would have been to continue pouring energy into them until one of us won the struggle, but this was a chaos battle and that would have destroyed my magic reserves in seconds. That is why I stopped my attack and teleported behind her. I concentrated my cosmos in my hands, making the positions of the stars of the Pegasus Constellation, finishing just as Screwball stopped her attack and noticed me.

“Pegasus meteor fist!” I shouted, and I punched her a hundred times in a second. I can’t believe this shit is working, I just used a Ki attack from Dragon Ball and a Cosmo technique from Saint Seiya and I didn’t even waste energy!

She was hit by the first barrage of attacks, but suddenly she had a golden armor and dodged them all.

“You have not unlocked the seventh sense, bronze knight! Your sonic speed attacks are nothing to somepony like me, that can move at the speed of light!” she said while she dodged, her armor disappearing as soon as my attack ended.

Luckily for me, she could only move so fast to avoid my previous attack, or else I would be screwed. I flew back and materialized a katana.

“BANKAI!” I shouted, and my katana turned into a black blade with an inversed swastika for a handle.

“Getsuga Tenshō!!!” I said, slashing the air with the blade. A black wave of energy flew towards Screwball, who shouted “Rasengan!” and created a ball of energy on her hoof that splitted my attack in two, leaving her unscathed.

An instinct told me that doing more anime-based attacks would be predictable and non-chaotic, so I wouldn’t be able to perform more of them in the same fight. But I want to do ‘Za Warudo’!

I changed my strife specibus to ‘hammerkind’ and appearified a pogo hammer, as well as Thor’s hammer. I dual wielded them against Screwball, who blocked my homestuck attack with Gordon Freeman’s crowbar, then she used FusRoDah on me.

The battle dragged on, neither of us gaining advantage over the other, and it seemed like we would never run out of magic (or imagination (or stupid attacks (or time before we were noticed (now that I think about it, how come nopony noticed our fight? It was rather conspicuous with all the energy attacks and explosions)))) until she created a pink barrier and began conjuring something powerful. The amount of power she was spending on whatever she was doing was much more than I had ever had before, which made me realize she probably had a point when she said I couldn’t win. Wait, she’s SPENDING energy, so it’s not a chaos attack, what is she up to? The energy formed a black sphere in front of her, which slowly took the shape of a pony almost as big as Celestia. Wings and three horns sprouted from the black mass, followed by a mane and a tail. The blackness became more compact and suddenly it turned into flesh.

An alicorn was facing me now. An alicorn I knew about, for I suddenly remembered that I was his creator. Back on Earth, I had written a satirical fic in which my really crappy OC defeated his sisters Celestia and Luna because they had banished him to deep space to fight Cthulhu, had Fluttershy as his waifu and did everything a Mary Sue would, killing all the main villains at the same time forever without flinching included. He was a black and white alicorn, with an alicorn horn plus two bullhorns. His wings were leathery, he had carnivore teeth and his red eyes had slitted pupils. He also wore some kind of regalia on his hooves. He didn’t have a cutie mark, as he had erased it from his flank with his eldritch powers because he considered himself too dark and cool to have one. He was Black Hole, worst OC ever.

“Fear not, Equestria!” he exclaimed with his deep, booming, sensual, annoying voice, “for I, Grand Prince Sephirothas Griffingarion Serenity Truenis Raven Crimsonwing Darkshadow Daisuke Emerentius the Second, Black Hole for mortals, Celestia and Luna’s long lost half-brother, have returned from dark space to slay this wretched creature!” As soon as he said that, I started hearing music coming from his body.

“No way,” I said, “you can’t have enough power to create an alicorn stronger than Luna, Celestia, Nightmare Moon, Chrysalis, Discord and Tirek together. Moreover, you shouldn’t even be able to create life like that, isn’t that something reserved to gods or something?” I felt more mad at her than afraid. We have been fighting on the same level, and now she’s created a freaking alicorn to fight me! Not fair!

“He doesn’t need to be as powerful as you made him in your imagination to wipe the floor with you. He is not a chaos creature, so you won’t be able to fight against him like you did against me, you have lost.”

Black Hole didn’t seem to notice how Screwball ruffled his mane as she said that. He started charging an energy beam with his horn, giving me just enough time to conjure a mirror. The beam was reflected and signed Screwball’s tail. The laser beam had been powerful but not overwhelming. I felt a bit relieved when I realized that he couldn’t be stronger than the energy spent on creating him, which was ‘only’ ten times what I had at the beginning of the fight. Well, I’m fucked... Wait, I gave this fag a weakness, I might survive if I exploit it.

I ran away from them, countering Screwball’s chaos based attacks and avoiding Black Hole’s beams and Mary Sueish gravitational magic at the same time. I hoped I was heading in the right direction, as their attacks would eventually overwhelm me at this rate. I finally saw my goal: a small cottage near the forest. I flew through a window, crashing against a birdhouse. I looked around and saw a yellow pegasus mare with a pink mane staring at me in shock.

“Sorry!” I said before I used my mind manipulation on Fluttershy, making her forget she had seen me. Ugh, I will be hated by so many bronies if they ever find out what I am about to do.

When Black Hole came in, I made Fluttershy see a mean fox torturing her bunny, Angel, (the real Angel was kicking me where my balls should be if my body had them, I hate him so much) and changed her shyness into anger.

“HOW DARE YOU?!” she screamed as she used The Stare on the alicorn.

“Fluttershy, my love, what is wrong?”

“You will cease right now and apologize!”

Black Hole’s will was being crushed by the power of The Stare, so he teleported away before being totally subdued. Fortunately, the music left with him. I have never liked Muse.

“What have you done to him?!” screamed Screwball as she came through the window I had broken. I sicked Fluttershy on her.

I knew Black Hole would eventually return, and they would find a way around Fluttershy. Also, I feared what kind of cosmic imbalance I would cause if they killed or hurt Fluttershy, who might not be best pony but I was fond of her. I took Screwball, trapped her in a bubble gum and left the cottage, only then releasing Fluttershy’s mind. I kicked the bubble gum containing the still dazed pony as far as I could, then I left in the opposite direction.

I flew in my dragon form as fast as I could until I was too tired to continue. My magic reserves were on critically low levels, as I had wasted the last of my mana on healing my body so I could sprint for two hours. I estimated that I had covered around 500 kilometers, and something in my mind told me that I had left Equestria. Later I realized that there was a lack of ambiental magic, something that I hadn’t noticed in Equestria because it had been always there.

“Shit dude, that was crazy,” I told myself, wheezing as I turned back to draconequus, “I need to find a way to refill my magic reserves.”

I lied down and took a little nap to recover my energies, as I doubted they would find me after putting so much distance between us. I had been sleeping for less than thirty minutes when something falling on me woke me up. It was a heavy net and it would take me some time to get out of it.

“We caught monster!” something with a gruff voice said behind me, then I heard howling. Well, isn’t this convenient.

“Oh no! You caught me! Now I will have to grant you three wishes!” I lied as I turned to face three diamond dogs. Tricking these idiots is going to be easy as cake... I want some cake now.

“Three wishes?” said the one in the middle, who was the only one wearing armor and a spear.

“Yes, I am a faery chimaera. I am obliged to grant three wishes if I am caught. Who was the one who threw the net?”

“Me! Me!” said the one in the right, who was bigger than the others.

“Is that so? Because I will only grant wishes to one of you, the others will get nothing.”

As I expected, the three fought over that. Dance, puppets, dance! Hahahahahaha. The one in the left was soon killed by the armed one, who then fought with the big one. The fight was short but intense, and in the end the big one managed to unarm his opponent and stab him with his own spear. I gained a good amount of energy, but I knew I would need much more if I ever hoped to beat Screwball.

“I trapped you, I want wishes now,” the tired diamond dog said between pants.

“Come closer, my master, and all your wishes will be granted.”

He did as I told him, albeit with a bit of reluctance, and when he was close enough one of the vines that surrounded my ent arm jumped like a snake and touched his forehead. His black fur became gray and he looked at me funny. Now, evil laugh time! I laughed, but... Well, let’s say it wasn’t that much of an evil laugh. I changed to frog, leaped out of the net and changed back.

“Now, listen to me. I am a draconequus, the deadliest creature in this world. I have used my powers to change your personality, and you will do as I say unless you want to be killed. Understood?”

“Yes,” he said with fear, even if his eyes were saying “how can you have such a shitty evil laugh then?” to me.

“Good, tell me about yourself.”

“My name is Ruffus. I am a scout from Copper Depth.”

“What have I changed with my spell?”

“I am not entirely sure. I can speak fluently now, so you may have increased my intelligence. ...Which implies I was stupid before...” he added a bit downcast, “Apart from that, I don’t feel different, even if I am.”

“Tell me about your race. I want to know about your social organization, your culture, everything you know,” he looked surprised.

“That will take hours!”

“Then you may want to start as soon as possible.”

I learned a lot about diamond dogs from Ruffus. They were lead by an Alpha, who was the strongest member. The beta was the only one who could challenge the Alpha to a duel for leadership, and any member could challenge the beta. Like the headbands from Afro samurai. He also told me about their culture, their traditions and myths, social interactions, how they used slaves to dig in their mines for gems, their relationship with dragons, who often demanded a tribute of gems (or flesh) and they wouldn’t destroy the whole diamond dog warren in exchange, the differences between castes, the location of the nearest warrens and the most important ones, the little information he had about them, and much more. I have forgotten many of the things he said, but I guess I will remember them as I keep on telling my story to myself and whoever is listening.
It was already dark when he finished talking. I looked at the corpses of the other two dogs and asked him about them.

“The armed one was the leader of our group. We scouted the area looking for potential slaves. Whenever we capture one, one or two of us brings him to the warren. There must be always a diamond dog in this place to warn the others about dragons or other dangers.”

“Do you cannibalize your deads?”

“Only if the Alpha allows it in extreme circumstances, otherwise we bury them.”

“That’s all I wanted to know. Now I will turn you back to your normal self, and you won’t tell anyone about me. I will know and I can kill you even if you think you are safe deep inside your warren, understood?”

“Yes, I understand,” he said, gulping.

I returned him to normal and he left as fast as his legs could carry him. I wanted to laugh at him, but I remembered with embarrassment my previous failure of an evil laugh, so I just took the clothes of one of the dead dogs that would fit my diamond dog body and flew away. I had decided to infiltrate a warren with my diamond dog form, as Ruffus had told me that Granite Back accepted new members without asking many questions.

Get in there, feed on the energy that the slaves release because of their despair, become stronger than Screwball and Black Hole, beat them, ?????, profit.

17: I Gave that Bitch a Home, Bitches love Homes

Two ponies approached Trottingham’s castle early in the morning. The castle was the biggest building in Trottingham, and it was located in the center of the town. Built on a hill, it had three levels, each one surrounded by a wall and communicated with the lower one by a bridge that could be raised anytime. The bottom level had an open space for tournaments to be held and a couple of buildings, one of them being the Town Hall. The middle level was filled with buildings for the use of the inhabitants of the castle, such as the kitchens and the great hall. The top level was where the knights and the Lord of Trottingham lived with their families.

The guard at the gatehouse took a good look at the two ponies. One was a unicorn stallion, his coat was brown and his dark mane was short. His cutie mark was an open chest filled with golden coins, and his eyes had uncommon orange irises. The other was an earth pony mare, with a pink coat and a darker pink curly mane. Her cutie mark was three balloons, and she was wearing a silver necklace with a yellow gem.

“Halt,” the guard said. “State your name and business.”

“My name is Golden Shower,” the unicorn explained. “She is my niece, Diane. We want to buy a house, and we’ve been told that we’ve to come here.”

“Go to the first building to your left, the castle’s staff will show you where to go next.”

Two weeks had passed since Diane and Havoc found and released Turmoil. During that time, both had learned many things about each other and about themselves while they travelled. Flying out of the Everfree Forest had taken them two days, but after they crossed it they were forced to continue walking, as a draconequus or a dragon flying while carrying a pony wouldn’t be unnoticed. This had allowed Havoc to create his Golden Shower alter ego and both of them had had plenty of time to adopt their roles as uncle and niece with naturality.

Each night, Diane had told Havoc more of Pinkie’s memories, and he had done the same with his newfound memories of his human life. He had also explained her why staying with him could be dangerous, and that if she ever wanted to part ways with him he would gladly leave for her benefit.

“I love you like I loved my little sister,” he had said. “Your happiness is the most important thing for me, and I will do anything for you.”

This had helped them grow closer to each other, and Diane’s personality had slowly changed from childish to playful, a subtle change but an important one. She seemed to be determined to prove herself that, despite being born as an exact copy of Pinkie Pie, she was her own pony. Because of this, every morning she brushed her mane so it wouldn’t be the same as Pinkie’s.
Sometimes, the fact that everything she knew had been lived by -and belonged to- another pony, including her family and friends, was too much for her to handle. When that happened, she would cry herself into sleep, and Havoc could only hope that the wound in her heart would heal over time. A dark part of him also wondered if letting Twilight send her back to the Mirror Pool while she was too ‘new’ to develop real thoughts would have been better than saving her, but he quickly forced himself to think of something else.

However, not everything had been bonding and overcoming inner demons. They had also spent time mastering their abilities. Havoc had learned how to make a chaos domain, and his ability to sense magic had improved. Diane, on the other hand, had learned how to use the charmed necklace so she could wear it without endangering the lives of everypony in a five kilometers radius.

‘Golden Shower’ and Diane crossed the bridge and entered the castle. A young stallion met both of them when they reached the first building, and led them to a waiting room where they sat until they would be called. When Havoc began to fear that he would go mad due to the chaos thirst if he was forced to wait much longer, their names were called and they passed to a large office, where a pony with bat wings was sorting papers. He was very similar to the batponies who accompanied Princess Luna in Nightmare Night, but his coat was a dark blue instead of dark grey.

“Golden Shower and Diane?” the batpony asked as soon as he was done with the papers. “My name is Bruce Mayne, I am the sheriff of Trottingham. We’ve had an increase in thievery as of late, so I like to meet the newcomers in person. I’ll ask you a few questions and then you will be able to buy a house and move to it.”

His name is Bruce Mayne, and he is a batpony. At least this isn't Gotham City... The only way this could be even more retarded would be if the thievery was caused by Robin Hood... More like Robin Hoof or something like that.

For the course of fifteen minutes, Bruce asked them all sorts of questions. They told him their tear-inducing, completely fake story of how they were rock farmers living next to the Volcano Wastes, and how they were the only survivors of a dragon attack that destroyed everything they owned. He asked many questions to see if their story was fake, such as specific dates, names and locations, until he was convinced that they weren’t lying.

“I have one last question,” he finally said. “How do you intend to pay for the house you want to acquire? You said that you lost everything, and you can’t make a rock farm in the courtyard.”

“Financial advising,” Havoc explained. “Good advising can make a household on the verge of poverty regain financial security and stop losing money.”

“So you tell ponies what to do with their bits,” the sheriff said, with a bit of skepticism. “And they pay you for that.”

“My chest isn’t empty, is it?” Havoc asked, pointing at his cutie mark.

“Hm... And you?” he asked at Diane.

“I am a party planner,” she said. “But that is more of a profitable hobby than a poorly paid job. I am a baker.”

“Alright, this is what’s going to happen. You two are going to find and buy a house, and if you miss a single payment, even if it’s for only a day, you’ll have to stay in this castle working for me until you repay your debts, both to the city and to any bank which may have given you a loan, with interests. Is that clear?”

“Crystal clear,” Havoc said.

Bruce Mayne told them where to go next, and from that moment they only had to follow the monotonous and sometimes stupid steps that were mandatory when dealing with the government. During that time, Havoc tried to obtain as much information about the city as he could from the ponies he talked to. He learned that there was in fact a pegasus named Robin Hoof hiding in the forest that surrounded the city and leading a band of thieves, and that the sheriff they had just met had been promoted to his current position barely a year ago by Lord Jocksley on his deathbed.

The sun was about to set when Diane and Havoc were done with the formalities and they were given the keys to their new house. The had settled for a middle priced house, big enough for both of them and Havoc’s workplace, and located near the busiest streets of the town so it would be seen by potential customers. The house had been occupied by an old couple who had recently passed on. All of their children had moved out of town, so the house had fallen into the city’s hooves. Havoc was, once again, surprised by the naivety of ponies. The first banker he had visited had given him a loan so he would have money to afford the costs that settling on Trottingham would suppose, without even mentioning endorsements. He had just said that his name was Golden Shower and that he needed money to buy a house, and they had given it to him without a second thought.

The house was very similar to the surrounding ones, and to Ponyville’s houses, as it was timber-framed and with thatched roofs. “Scratch anything bad I said about Equestria, this place is awesome,” Havoc said as he opened the door to their house and motioned for Diane to enter. “Do you want to come inside?”

“You are not Rainbow Dash, but whatever,” Diane replied before she trotted in. “Uh oh,” she muttered with worry after she crossed the doorframe.

“What is it?” Havoc said, and as soon as he came in he was hit by a burst of confetti.

“Surprise!” Diane said, as she turned on the lights of the house and revealed that everything was covered with balloons and other party decorations.

“Diane, how in Hell did you do this?” Havoc asked, laughing. “You have been with me the whole day!”

“You really thought I spent thirty minutes in the toilet?” Diane asked. “You know nothing, Golden Shower.”

Yet another reference. Havoc thought as he closed the door and changed back to draconequus. Neither he nor Diane understood why she said things like that, ‘do it, faggot’, ‘lolwut’ or ‘I used to be an X like you, then I took an arrow in the knee”. He guessed that her comic relief powers allowed her to do and say things that only he would get, as he couldn’t come up with any other explanation. Hold on a second...

“Wait, you went to the toilet before we were shown the houses we could buy!” Havoc said, baffled.

“I’m the same as Pinkie Pie, don’t try to apply logic at me,” she explained, and then she sneezed. “Hm... I should have cleaned the place when I broke in instead of filling it with balloons and danglers.”

“We can do that later, and this has been hilarious. I suggest that we take a look around the house, and afterwards we go have dinner outside, how does that sound?”

Diane nodded with enthusiasm. They took their time watching each room, talking about what they should put on each one and such things. The ground floor had a kitchen, two empty rooms and a toilet; while the first floor had a bathroom and three empty rooms.

“Diane, I have a question,” said Havoc when they reached the toilet. “How do you ponies use the toilet? I mean, how do you sit on it?”

“I am sitting on the potty, doing my best to go,” Diane began to sing.

“No God!” Havoc shrieked.

“I am sitting on the potty, being patient ever so.”

“No God please no! No! No! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“I can feel my body tell me I should sit and wait, cause if I get up now and come back, it will surely be too late!” she finished, and then she realized that Havoc was curled in a ball and shivering. “Alright, stop being traumatised and look at how it’s done.”

After Havoc learned how ponies sat on their toilets and they looked at the remaining rooms, the draconequus transformed back into Golden Shower. Then, they went out to have dinner in the first place they could find. They soon found a small restaurant named “The Happy Gourmet”, and when they entered they noticed that they were the only customers. Havoc thought that the only reason for a restaurant to be empty must be that the service was awful. However, they were both famished and tired, so none of them suggested to find another place. They discovered why they were the only customers as soon as they were given the menus: everything was insanely expensive. During their travel, Diane had explained to Havoc the value of Equestria’s currency, the bit, and how much he was supposed to pay for most things, and it was clear that the restaurant’s prices were too high.

“Well, what do you want, Diane?” Golden Shower asked when the waitress arrived to take their order.

“I’ll have ratatouille and cider,” Diane answered.

“Me, I want spaghetti and cider,” Golden Shower told the waitress.

The food arrived very soon and it was delicious, which was to be expected on an empty restaurant. The cider wasn’t alcoholic, a fact that greatly annoyed Havoc, but the spaghetti were delectable, despite the lack of meat. However, the speed and quality wasn’t up to the price. This business is going to crash soon, so I will become popular if I save it.

“Excuse me, miss,” Havoc said to the waitress after paying. “I would like to talk to the owner of this place. Is he or she around?”

“Of course,” the earth pony mare replied. “Please wait here while I go and get him.”

The owner of the restaurant arrived, in all of his obese glory. Havoc had never seen a fat pony before, but he was sure that this earth pony was morbidly obese. Instead of a double chin, the stallion had a pentachin. His belly was so large that it would touch the ground if his legs were a bit shorter. He was like a pony that swallowed a fat pony who had previously swallowed another pony. Sweat rolled down his face, getting lost between layers of fat. What those sweat drops discovered in those valleys of flab is a tale not known to the sane mind. Some say they found Nirvana, others claim they discovered dinosaurs, the most eccentric believe that they discovered a three years old grilled cheese sandwich. Their tale...is not being told today. As the lumbering mountain of pony flesh walked towards the table, Havoc could swear he heard the floor cracking under the hooves of the beast. He couldn’t help but gulp, as he was certain that this pony could gobble him and Diane up if he felt like it. The white coat of the pony and dark brown mane made him resemble the largest ice cream with chocolate syrup in the world. His cutie mark was a pizza that missed a slice.

“Good evening!” the grotesquely fat pony boomed. “My name is Butterball. I am the owner and chef of The Happy Gourmet. How may I help you?”

“Mister Butterball, my name is Golden Shower. I can’t help but notice that your restaurant is empty. I know little about restaurants, but I do know about money, and this business can’t be profitable if nopony comes to eat. I think I can help you save your restaurant.”

Butterball squinted at the unicorn. “Is that so?”

Golden Shower told Butterball the same story he had told the sheriff Bruce Mayne earlier that day about the rock farm and the dragon attack. He explained how he would never be successful if ponies didn't trust him with their bits, and that the best thing he could do to earn their trust was to prove that he was reliable and skilled.

"Because of all of this," Golden Shower concluded. "I will offer you my services for free for being my first customer."

“What do you think, Moonlight Strudel?” Butterball asked the waitress, who shrugged.

“Whatever he does, it can’t be worse than this,” she replied.

Butterball shrugged. “I guess you are right. I accept your offer, Golden Shower. When do we begin?”

Golden Shower explained what he would do and what he needed from Butterball, and after that they all talked about more trivial matters. Butterball and Moonlight Strudel talked long about the main reason behind their high prices. Since Bruce Mayne rose to power, he had demanded more and more money from the citizens of the city, sometimes even resorting to confiscation when ponies couldn’t pay what he required. Butterball had increased the prices accordingly to the increase in how much he had to pay for each meal he cooked, losing his customers, who were as constricted by the new taxes and costs as he was.

It was past midnight when Diane and Havoc returned to their house. As soon as Havoc closed the door behind him they simultaneously realized that the house they had just acquired that same morning was the closest thing they had to a home.

“Home, sweet home,” Havoc muttered as his transformation broke.

“It’s missing something...” Diane said to herself.

“Furniture?”

“No. Well, yes, but that wasn’t what I had in mind. What we need is to have a house party!”

“Oh Hell yes, a party is what we need to meet new ponies and have fun. You take care of that, I think I’m going to be very busy the next days. There’s still a lot I need to learn about Equestria’s economy.”

Diane yawned. “We can do all of that tomorrow. Let’s go to sleep.”

“Yeah, I’m going to set up a chaos domain in my room before that. Being Golden Shower for so many hours drains my magic reserves.”

Havoc’s room was soon filled with dancing wallets, flying comics and teleporting transvestite beavers. Then, he made a huge marshmallow appear in the middle of the room and, using a pickaxe, he gave it the shape of a bed big enough for him.

“Give me a second and I’ll make another bed for you.”

“Why? That marshmallow is big enough for the two of us.”

Havoc shrugged and they both hopped on the bed, falling asleep seconds after they landed.

25: I Have Had It With These Motherbucking Dogs In This Motherbucking Cave!

"Alright, do Shining Armor now,” sergeant Cloudy Sunset asked.

Havoc cleared his throat and began to talk with Shining Armor’s voice. “My fellow ponies! Today we fight for justice! Today we fight for love! Today we fight for the most sacred thing above all else: CORNDOGS!”

Havoc was surrounded by an increasingly large crowd of laughing pegasi. They had left the Crystal Empire with the sunrise, and they had just stopped after several hours of flying to catch a breath and have a quick lunch. After the spar with Cadance, Havoc’s magic reserves were low, so he was trying to find a way to cause chaos and recharge himself. He found himself in a dilemma, since he had been ordered not to annoy the ponies with his magic, yet he couldn’t come up with anything else that would help him.

Luckily for him, Cloudy Sunset and a few more ponies had then introduced themselves to Havoc, curious about him. They had mostly asked him about his powers, and once he told them that he could imitate voices everypony had asked him to imitate them. Then, he suddenly became the focus of the attention of all the ponies that travelled with him. He had imitated pretty much any famous pony he knew, such as the Princesses, Spitfire and Soarin’, as well as most of the ponies around him.

“Wait, can you imitate ANY sound, or just voices?”

“Let me check,” Havoc replied, and then he managed to copy the sound of a trumpet, prompting the ponies around him to ask him to make the weirdest noises they could come up with. “I should take advantage of this ability more often… Hold on, I just had the best idea ever.”

Havoc began to play air guitar, and the music came out of him as if he was some sort of amplifier.

“Oh my gosh it’s Hooves N’ Roses!” a female pegasus shrieked in excitement.

The show continued, with Havoc doing whatever he was asked to or he felt like doing, until Captain Cyclone commanded them all to prepare to resume their travel. When they did, Cloudy Sunset asked Havoc to flight with her team, so he didn’t have to awkwardly fly a couple of meters away from everypony to avoid causing even more awkwardness with his proximity. Since he had charged himself with the reactions of the pegasi to his antics, he could focus on talking like a normal person instead of trying to cause as much chaos as possible.

As flying was a dull activity, the pegasi and Havoc talked a lot. He learned the stories of Cloudy’s team members, starting with hers. Silverwing, Cloudy’s wingpony who seemed to have developed a brother-sister relationship with her, told them about how he had been forced to join the Equestrian Guard to pay the bills when he realized that he would never become a rock star. Tight Grip was a large stallion way past his midlife crisis who had been given the choice between going to jail or joining the Guard after he almost killed a pony in a bar fight. He was not ashamed to state that he greatly enjoyed being paid for killing others, and that he wouldn’t leave the Guard when his serving time was over. The last member of the four ponies squad was Timid Breeze. He seemed to be the polar opposite of Tight Grip, as he was small, introvert and easily startled. He had joined the Equestrian Guard because it was a family tradition, and what he desired the most was that the war would end and he could go back to Cloudsdale, where the worst thing he was likely to face was a drunk stallion that was causing property damage.

Despite their differences, the four ponies had become close friends over the course of the war. Soon, Havoc found himself exchanging stories and exploits with them, which made the travel seem much shorter. When they finally reached the frontline, three days later, pretty much everypony had gotten used to Havoc, some had learned to enjoy his random antics, and a few had even befriended him.

When they reached their destination, Havoc was greatly impressed by the enormity of the equestrian army. Hundreds of tents covered a portion of terrain as large as Ponyville, and thousands of ponies and diamond dogs moved between them. Princess Luna herself was waiting for them, and she approached Havoc just as he and the pegasi landed.

“Greetings, Havoc. It is good to meet you outside of your dreams.”

“The pleasure is mine, princess,” he replied, bowing.

“I would like to discuss some matters with you in the intimacy of my tent, follow me.”

For once, Havoc didn’t assume that Luna wanted to have sex with him just because she said they should continue talking in her tent. Curious, he followed him to the largest and darkest tent in the camp. There he found Shining Armor, Drogur the Arcane, and a diamond dog he hadn’t seen before discussing something.

“Well, if it isn’t Balto!” Drogur exclaimed. “I’m glad to see you in one piece, even though you look way uglier now that you aren’t a diamond dog.”

“You mean you considered me pretty before?” Havoc replied, fluttering his eyelashes.

“See? This is what I love about this guy!” Drogur told the others while laughing. “You just can’t be bored when he’s around.”

The other diamond dog approached Havoc. “So you are Havoc. I am Attila Sarois, Lord and Alpha of Yellow Topaz. It is nice to meet you, Alpha Drogur and Prince Shining Armor have told me about your feats.”

“Aren't you a little short for an Alpha?” Havoc asked, as Drogur laughed his ass off.

“I don’t have alpha blood, but I earned my title fairly by combat,” Attila replied, unamused.

“Wow, so you defeated a diamond dog with alpha blood? You have my respect, Alpha Attila.”

“If you are done smelling each other’s butt, we should focus on the matters at hoof,” Shining Armor said. “Havoc, I won’t beat around the bush: I don’t like you, and the only reason I agreed to let you join us is because I want to keep an eye on you. With that said, we received a letter via magic from Cadance detailing your powers and abilities. We have decided that you will fight alongside Princess Luna, so she can further evaluate your performance in the battlefield. The den Sharp Ruby has refused to release their slaves, so we are going to attack them in a matter of hours. We greatly outnumber them, so our goal is to defeat them while killing as few of them as possible.”

“Because of that,” Luna continued. “You won’t use your magic with killing intent unless it is to protect your life or the life of an ally. I’ll be next to you, so you better remember this or I’ll intervene.”

“Alright, no killing unless there’s no other option. I promise.”

For the next hour, the four of them filled Havoc’s mind with as much information as they could. How each side fought, what he should expect of his opponents, what he should never do unless he wanted to be attacked by his allies by mistake, what to do if he got lost in a diamond dog den, what to do if a dragon or any other powerful foe joined the fight, which orders he could give or receive during the battle, and many other details. After that, they went over the plan for taking over Sharp Ruby. When Drogur was in the middle of his description of Sharp Ruby’s Beta, Havoc interrupted him.

“Excuse me, but I have been non-chaotic for too long. If I stand still any longer I’ll be unable to keep myself in check.”

With that said, he turned into a perfect copy of Princess Celestia and began to talk with a voice that was neither his nor Celestia’s.

“Luna!”

“What, Havoc?”

“I’m a banana!”

“You are a what?”

“I’m a banana!”

“What happened to your voice?”

“I'm a banana!
I’m a banana,
I'm a banana,
I'm a banana,
LOOK AT ME MOVE.

Yeah, Yeah.

I'm a banana,
I'm a banana,
I'm a banana,
LOOK AT ME MOVE.

ARW, ARW.

Banana power,
Banana power,
Banana power,
Pow, Pow, Pow, Pow, Pow, Power.

Banana power,
Banana power,
Banana power,
LOOK AT ME MOVE.

Uh Oh banana time,
Uh Oh banana time,
Uh Oh banana time,
STOP!”

Then he began to make the weirdest noise any of them had ever heard.

“STOP!”

He made the noise again.

“Stop!

Cart, fart, smart, dart, heart, tart, cart, mart, cart, smart, dart, fart, tart, fart, dart”

He screamed as he created a perfect clone of Princess Luna who, wearing a Scootaloo costume, began to sing on her own.

“Chicken,
chicken,
chicken,
I am chicken chicken,”

Both the fake Luna and Celestia exploded into a massive fireball that covered the tent in smoke. When it cleared, a laughing Havoc had replaced the two copies.

“What did just happen?” asked Shining Armor.

“I don’t know how to feel about this,” Luna added.

Eventually, Havoc stopped laughing and managed to recover his composure “Alright, we can continue now.”

“Follow me, Havoc!” Luna shouted. “We are almost there!”

Havoc stopped charging the spell he had been preparing, which would have trapped a dozen diamond dogs in a comic book for an hour, and flew behind Luna. She rushed through dozens and dozens of diamond dogs, pushing them away with her telekinesis as if they were rag dolls. After fighting along her for half an hour, Havoc had learned to fear the Princess’ power. From what he had seen so far, she was easily five times stronger than Cadance, and she was much more proficient in both magical and physical combat than the princess of love.

The two of them were advancing through the underlit tunnels that spawned all over Sharp Ruby’s domain, trying to find where they kept the slaves confined. The two of them had stormed the warren’s main entrance, easily getting rid of the dogs that tried to stop them, with Shining Armor and the Imperial Guard rushing behind. Meanwhile, Drogur’s diamond dogs had split into several groups that dug as fast as they could, so they could attack the enemy from behind while they were busy with the ponies. Havoc’s mission was to cover Luna once they found the slaves, so she could focus on a spell that would teleport all the slaves to their base. Since the spell was, according to her, “very taxing, terribly dangerous if interrupted and with a long casting time”, she would be unable to use it unless Havoc protected her from the diamond dogs. The idea was that Luna and Havoc would release the slaves as soon as possible, so the diamond dogs wouldn’t use them as hostages or kill them in revenge.

“Here we are!” Luna exclaimed. Both of them had entered a large domed room with several cells inhabited mostly by ponies and griffins. The princess’ horn glowed for a second and the doors made of steel rods were violently torn from their hinges by her telekinesis. “Listen to me! I am Princess Luna, co-ruler of Equestria! Your days of captivity and forced labour are over. Gather around me and I’ll teleport you to our camp! There, you will be fed and your diseases will be treated by our medics. The nightmare is over, it’s time to wake up and go back to the life of happiness and freedom that you deserve!”

The enslaved ponies and griffins ran towards Luna, some of them cheering and spilling tears of joy. As he had been told, Havoc became invisible so he wouldn’t scare anyone away. Luna’s horn ignited with power and, one by one, the slaves gathered around her began to vanish with the sound of a bottle being uncorked. Havoc guessed it would take her around ten minutes to teleport everyone outside.

He was beginning to hope that they wouldn’t be interrupted when he heard the clanking sounds of steel armors coming from the only entrance, and growing louder. A pack of fifteen diamond dogs - wearing armors, spears and shields - bursted into the room as Havoc made himself visible and faced them. His sudden appearance shocked them, giving him enough time to use his powers on them so they would fall asleep. His smirk disappeared when he felt his sleeping spell break into raw magic and then be absorbed by something. Only then did Havoc notice that, among the diamond dogs, there was an enormous, two-headed white dog that was eating the remains of his spell as if it was dogfood. The creature’s heads were mismatched, one similar to a rottweiler’s, and the other just like an alaskan malamute’s.

“Magic won’t work near an orthros, monster,” the leader of the group, a huge diamond dog of the alpha subespecies, taunted as he patted the rottweiler head. “Now you die.”

Due to the personal space the others gave him, Havoc identified that diamond dog as the Beta of Sharp Ruby.His weapon was a huge steel hammer, which a normal diamond dog would have been unable to wield, and he wore a steel armor with some parts replaced by single dragon scales of every color and shape.

During the meeting in Luna’s tent, Havoc had been told that some diamond dogs gathered shed dragon scales whenever they could to reinforce their weapons and armors, but that the practice was most common in the dens near the Dragon Badlands, where dragons and their leftovers were more common. Sharp Ruby, being one of the diamond dog dens furthest away from the Badlands, would barely find a single scale on their domains. Due to this, they bought the shed scales from the dragons themselves, giving them more gems in return.

Havoc made his hammer appear as the diamond dog group approached and circled him, the Beta and his orthros right in front of him.

“Havoc! Don’t let that creature bite you or it will suck you dry of magic!” Luna warned. “And keep it away from me so it won’t interfere with my spell!”

“That’s easier said than done,” Havoc thought aloud. He attacked one of the diamond dogs, bringing his hammer down on the him. The diamond dog managed to block the blow with his shield, but the impact forced him to kneel and put his spear hand on the floor to avoid falling. The other dogs attacked Havoc in return, forcing him to retreat and allow the fallen dog to get up again. Havoc attacked four more times, without managing to harm any dog, until one of them managed to stab Havoc’s side. Havoc’s red blood sprayed from the open wound, covering the diamond dog’s face and arms. The blood then turned yellow and melted the dog’s flesh, killing him before the orthros could make it harmless by eating its magic.

Instead of being frightened after witnessing their comrade’s fate, the remaining diamond dogs attacked all at once, suddenly emboldened. Attacked from all sides, Havoc could only flail around his hammer to force them to retreat, too busy to notice that the Beta and the orthros were darting towards Luna.

“HAVOC! STOP THEM!” Luna’s Royal Canterlot Voice boomed.

Realizing what was happening, Havoc pushed the diamond dogs’ weapons away with his magic, the orthros being too far away to stop him, and charged after it and the Beta. He let out a gasp of pain as two more spears pierced him as he broke out of the circle, one digging deeply into his cheetah leg and the other hitting a rib that stopped it from going through his heart. Confused by the pain and the attacks from all sides, Havoc instinctively tackled the orthros. The beast quickly broke free from his grasp moments after they both hit the ground, giving Havoc just enough time to raise his dragonbone hammer and use it to keep the orthros’ jaws away from him. While he was still trying to fend off the aggressive creature, the Beta hit him from the side, his hammer breaking Havoc’s diamond dog arm.

“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Havoc roared, unable to use his magic to make the intense pain disappear from his mind with the orthros so close to him.

Said orthros attacked again while Havoc was paralyzed by pain, his two mouths closing around the draconequus’ neck. Havoc began to twitch with violence, as a dark purple glow flowed from him to the orthros.

Luna could only watch impotently, as interrupting her spell could kill the remaining slaves she still had to teleport, or greatly injure her with the backlash. She was about to interrupt it anyways when the orthros released Havoc, just after ten seconds of syphoning his magic away. As the draconequus fell on the floor, panting, the orthros began to heave violently.

“What have you done to my orthros?!” the Beta roared, furious.

The two-headed monster began to vomit a liquid made of pure chaos magic, which violently lashed against everything around it. Parts of the rocky floor turned into lava, while others froze or became a completely different material. The orthros, on the other hand, was covered by tendrils of the chaotic power which harmed it in every way imaginable. After a couple of seconds, all that remained of the powerful creature was a grotesquely disfigured corpse.

Havoc got back on his legs, having healed his injuries while everyone was distracted by the orthros’ violent demise. “You are all going to suffer in ways you couldn’t dare to dream for what you have done to me,” he growled, his hands seething as all of his remaining magic focused on them.

“Havoc, don’t! Don’t succumb to hate! You must be the better stallion!” Luna warned him.

Havoc turned to face Luna, too furious to recognise her. With no further words, he teleported behind him and hit his right arm with his hammer, breaking it just as the Beta had done to him moments earlier. The other dogs rushed towards him, so he aimed at them with his wooden arm, blue lightning coming out of his fingertips. While they shook and screamed in pain, Havoc raised his hammer with his spare hand, aiming for the Beta’s head.

“HAVOC!” Luna shouted. “YOU PROMISED!”

Havoc roared in frustration and threw his hammer aside as he stopped his lightning attack. Before they could recover, he knocked the Beta out with a punch to his head, and used his magic to make the other dogs fall asleep, as he had originally intended. Exhausted, he recovered his hammer and leaned on him, his nearly depleted chaos energy slowly replenishing from the shock of the slaves.

“I can’t believe... these little shits... got so close to ending me,” Havoc muttered, panting. “These fuckers…”

The rest of the rescue operation went smoothly, with Luna teleporting all the remaining slaves successfully while Havoc calmed down. When the last slave disappeared, Luna made silvery chains appear and coil around the diamond dogs, ensuring that they wouldn’t escape or rejoin the fight if they woke up.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, but that monster dog stole most of my magic.”

“I was asking about your mental state, Havoc. You were possessed by an immense rage mere moments ago.”

“Yes, I’m fine. I just… I almost died, and after all the things I’ve been through, when I realized that a bunch of random diamond dogs were going to kill me… I felt so angry at them. They have no right to almost kill me after all the enemies I have fought that were way, way stronger.”

“I am glad you controlled yourself before you did something you would have regretted,” Luna told Havoc. “However, you have the wrong mindset, and that only leads to despair. Yes, a diamond dog Beta with an orthros may be considered a laughable enemy when compared to the likes of you. Still, even the weakest pony could kill you with a lucky arrow between the eyes. If you think yourself above anypony who can’t match your raw power, you’ll grow bitter as those you consider beneath you outsmart you, outperform you or simply are more lucky. Now, this is not the place or the moment to talk. Can you still fight, or did the orthros take all your magic?

“I just need a couple of minutes near chaos and I’ll be good to go.”

“Then we’ll reunite with the main forces as they search for Sharp Ruby’s Alpha.”

After a couple of minutes searching through the dark corridors they stumbled upon Shining Armor’s group. Luna and Shining talked briefly and he sent a group of crystal ponies to retrieve the chained diamond dogs, then Havoc and the princess joined him. For the next three hours they roamed Sharp Ruby, defeating any group that opposed them, until they finally heard the howling that signaled the Alpha’s defeat.

Author's Note

I'm sorry it took so long to update. I've been very busy lately :-(