"Today I went to your house ... And you were gone. Where are you?"
"That's two weeks since you were not at your house or sent signs of life. Did you leave the town? "
“Month three and still you haven’t come back. Today it’s my birthday, but I can’t find a way to be happy in my own birthday. I don’t feel the need to talk… I feel my lips are sealed.”
“Month seven. I saw you… I know I saw you through the window, I’m sure of it. You were just standing there, with that beautiful smile, that gorgeous hair floating in the wind, and that pretty pale yellow dress, the one you always used… the one I liked the most.
I tried to catch you, I ran outside the house, I ran and finally I made it there… And you were gone.”
“Once again, I saw you, and this time I definitely caught you. I just know it, I saw it! But… I never got to touch you… it was like touching thin air. I tripped and fell. And you take advantage of this time to run away from me once again. I got up and ran to the corner I saw you turn… And you were gone.”
“Today I thought about something that happened to me this afternoon.
You hugged me, I felt it, and that made me smile.
At least this also made my sisters happy, I guess that’s a good thing, isn’t it? Though I still don’t understand how they are so calm about this whole situation, it’s like they moved on.”
“It’s been a year now since the day I looked for you… And you were gone. I remember asking everyone in town, nobody knew where you were, or what happened… And you were gone.
I went to your cottage every morning of my life for three months… And you were gone.
Was it how destiny wanted it to be? Was this the only way to show me I was too late? That I waited for far too long? Perhaps… If I told you what I should have told you… you would be here with me right now?
I guess is pointless anyways. When I finally managed to get the strength I needed to go see you and confess everything… you were gone.
I guess it was expected to happen… though that doesn’t make it less hurtful.
For the past nine months I haven’t said a word, because I swore I would spend them with you as soon as I see you again… Well, actually when I can ‘touch you’.
Five months ago you started appearing in front of me, but I now know that what I see it’s not you. It’s nothing but a ghost, an illusion of a sick, delusional, broken mind.
But then again… without ‘you’ I may have not made it this long.
My body and my mind have plotted against me, maintaining the still warm spot where your body touched mine in that beautiful day… That day when you hugged me tight and told me that without me, your life would have been different. You even said you may have not lived up to that date.
But I guess… I guess that didn’t change a thing, because a week later I went back to tell you that you too had changed my life… and more… much more than that… And you were gone.
If I would have told you what I really felt for you that day… Would you be here with me now? Or was it inevitable?”
“Today I thought it might be a good day to use a long-sleeved shirt.
I guess is the only way to hide the still open wounds on my arms. The scars of the cuts I did to myself, writing every thing you have ever told me. Most of them say ‘Hello’ but still… they help me keep forward, they have sense to me. Everything that involves you has sense to me.”
“Today I thought about the day I went to your house and knocked the door… And you were gone.
My sisters cried, for you and also for me. I’ve never been a guy who talked a lot, but the little words I said were enough to help my sisters to keep going. They always asked me for advice, and I was always there to help them. But now they’ve lost me. That big stronghold of security and good advice is gone. I don’t even talk to them anymore, and that’s why they are so affected by the situation, that’s why they cry. But sometimes I see them smile”
“Today, I though about all the events that transpired on this last month, regarding my sisters.
My little sister finally made some friends. At last she found two little girls that understand her and think alike. I knew it was impossible for her to be the only girl in town who didn’t care about popularity and fashion.
Oh! About my other sis I have something really important to tell you, I know she was one of your best friends, so I believe this will make you happy.
She finally found a special somebody. After many years of loneliness and boys who never got to fulfil what she was looking for, she found someone as good as her, someone who could face her and compete until their bodies can’t go anymore. She couldn’t have it any other way, and neither would her soul mate.
The most funny… no, thing is that nothing amuses me anymore, not since the day I went to your house… And you were gone. As I was saying, the most… interesting thing about it is that she found it so much closer than she ever bothered looking.
It seems that her love was always there for her, disguised as her best friend, you know, the other girl that was always hanging out with her? The speed-loving daredevil who you called your very first childhood friend? Yeah, it seems that the two fell for another girl. Who would have guessed? It was a big surprise for everyone of us, it seems that not even them knew their true sexuality until now. It’s strange, being part of such a traditionalist and conservative family as ours, for my sister to come out and break every social and familiar standard.
Everyone in our family accepted her anyways, as well as your usual circle of friends. I guess… I guess I’m almost happy for her, enough to give her my consent at least. Even if it was just a nod, it was more than enough for her, and it was more than I’ve ‘told’ her in these past months.
Honestly, I don’t even know how the two got together, they always tell the story, but I never listen. I hardly listen to anything at all lately. I hardly listen after the silence of your living room the day I entered… And you were gone
Anyways, yeah, she has a soul mate now, but she also had to take my job as well. Someone needed to supplant me. I’m sorry for her, really. She never did anything to deserve this life. She usually started her work with the rooster’s crow and ended past midday, but now she has to wake up far before sunrise and she ends her working day when there’s no sun to light her way.
But I suppose she’s alright with it. She never minded having working, and she always knew she could do it all by herself. And at night and during the weekends, she has a get together with her little girlfriend, which makes her days more than happy.
But I guess that’s not what worries her… it’s my wellbeing.”
“Today, I thought about myself.
I have to bear with a cross on my back that gets bigger every single day. I could simply abandon this stupidity and talk. Even if I still have to bear with this ghost of you, I should talk to them and show them I’m still alive, behind this shell.
My body is still sturdy and solid, I can still work. I’m still young, I can go and look for another girl to brighten my days, even if she could never replace you, I could look for someone to help me get out of this frozen hell.
But I just don’t feel like it anymore, I don’t feel I should do it. I’ve lost every initiative to do anything, nothing makes sense anymore. Maybe that’s my prison and my punishment. I’m forever bound to be trapped in this cocoon, there’s no way out. I’m never going to get out of it, but I don’t care anymore anyways.”
“Today I thought about what happened yesterday.
They took me to some doctors so they could test me. They wanted to know if there was a cure. It was tedious and useless, I already knew what would they say, but I never stopped them, I didn’t see why I should.
They ran various test and examinations, both physical and psychical. They went to different doctors for a second, third and even fourth opinion. But it was useless, I already knew what they would say, and they did, exactly to how I imagined in my head. They all sounded like an orchestra of puppets repeating the same words.
‘I’m very sorry for your brother missy, but it’s useless. He does have a problem, but there’s no way to help him. He’s the only one retaining him there. He is conscious about the external world, but he doesn’t want to ‘go out’ and until he decides it, he won’t step out of it. To say this in easier words for you to comprehend, he’s in a conscious coma. And just like comatose, we can only wait and hope for him to come back.’
Perfect synchrony. The four said the exact same thing in the exact same way… Or at least, that’s how I heard it. But the meaning was that one anyways. My sisters and my grandma were devastated, but they realised the only thing they could do is listen to them and keep waiting”
"Today I thought about the rest of the family.
My grandmother is getting worse, but she still hasn’t left to a better place... I’ve developed the theory that she is just waiting for me to 'come back', to satisfy her desire of seeing I’m alright one more time, before leaving. Should I make her happy and come back? Even if I only do it for a moment?
Our little dog is getting old, but she is in excellent condition. I always tried you to realize she was an ‘it’, not a ‘she’, but I guess your habit of thinking about animals as equals is something it rubbed off on me. The diet you told me she should follow did help her I guess. You were always good with animals, you always cared to learn everything about every animal, and took care of each and every one you found homeless.
I remember that whenever I approached your cottage, on the outskirts of our town, I could always see a lot of different animals resting near the door, living in harmony. Well ... actually, it used to be that way... but when I went that day, they were gone. I suppose, as every other day, they went to see you... And you were gone. Are they suffering as much as I do now? Or did primal instinct lead them to move on to preserve their life?
I also thought about my cousin. He never came back to visit us. He appeared just once since that day when I thought I would overcome my fears and convince you with words of undying love, the day I entered your home after you never answered the door ... And you were gone. I guess he didn’t want to look at me in the state I was, maybe he got scared and didn’t want to visit my sisters or my grandmother because of me. I feel something like guilt ... but it doesn’t eat me on the inside, I just don’t care anymore."
“Today I thought exactly what day it was today.
It’s been a complete year since I last opened my mouth to speak... Oh, and also my birthday. My sisters and my grandmother tried to do something resembling a party, trying to lift my spirits. They put decorations, banners, brought a big cake and even silly hats, I guess they thought that the ridiculous fact of using a hat at my age would at least amuse me... it didn’t. But they put so much effort on it; I could see it in their faces. I guess my sister did not sleep all night, her eyes and the sags under them were kind of a give-out.
Probably that baker friend that you two shared helped. Her trademark was all around the place. She always did everything she could to make the best parties ever, to lift everyone’s spirits, so I guess that means they really cared for me this time. No, I had no fun and I was not pleased. But seeing them like that broke my heart.
I guess that must be why I smiled… I even let my eyes rest a bit, to give a false impression of being happy. I think it worked, because I listen to the three sighing relieved. I kept smiling during the entire time that they were watching me. I ate cake, I agreed to use the ridiculous cone hat, and I even gave them a hug. This made their eyes fill with tears.
But I did not speak. That’s how they knew I had not come back yet... but their hopes were renewed.”
“Today I thought if I did the right thing. I’ve always taken the wrong decisions. Did I ever take the right one? Would it have been better not to have created this shell of silence and madness? Would it have been better not to go and look for you every morning for three months, after you never appeared the first few days? Is it possible that the story would have been different if I never fell in love with you? Or perhaps it would have been better to have never met you, and for someone braver to fall in love with you? Did I do the right thing by being born? Or did my birth take the chance for someone better to do so?”
“Today I thought... on being happy.
Finally today, after more than a year, I can really fantasize about the possibility of freeing myself of this weight I have on my back.
Finally today, after more than a year, I can look forward.
Finally today, the shadow of you left me and I don’t feel your embrace on my skin anymore. Although it is too late to forget it, because the same way I marked my arms, I cut my chest and back, outlining the place you touched back then.
It's been a long time since the cuts on my arms, and my family is known for quick and good regeneration, so there’s no way to notice there was a wound there, I have no scars or anything… just memories.
But I don’t care about it anymore, because today I can finally start to think I may get out of this bubble that keeps me captive.
Today my sister's girlfriend came home excited saying they had found you, after a year and a half since you disappeared, they could discover where you were.”
“Today I thought about how bittersweet life can be.
My sister’s girlfriend came home some days ago saying that somebody had called her asking if she knew you, after answering that she did, they told her that you were there and they needed someone to go there and get you. They left her a phone number and told her to call her as soon as possible.
She decided to first come to tell us and gather the rest of your group of friends.
When we were all sitting in the living room of my house, we called. Your fashionista friend was the one who decided to take the phone.
After a few words crossed, her face went pale and her eyes watered.
We all understood what that meant, I first thought I was not going to be able to bear with it, but I did.
After the phone call finished, she told us that you went to a nearby town with a false name and a new identity. But days after arriving in town and staying in a hotel, you were taken to a hospital because you had a very poor state of health. You carried enough money with you to cover any hospital expense you'd need ... almost as if you had planned it all along.
You were sick. You knew it. But why did you decide to leave? Why did you leave us? Why did you left me? Why did you make me suffer the way you did?
You had your reasons, I guess, but I do not know what they were… yet.
Your friend kept talking after some seconds of deep breathing to recover her composure. You were gone… after a long, long time in that hospital, your body couldn’t take it anymore, and gave up.
They tried frantically to find your family or friends, to know where you were from, but since your data was false, they couldn’t do it.
Until they found the letter a month ago, that is.
The addressed in that letter where all of the ones who were sitting in this here living room right now, and it was signed by you. Along with your sign, you write your real name, that’s how they knew. I still don’t know how they could miss the letter for over a month, I guess it doesn’t matter…
I am now glad to know our names are unique five towns around, and given that we were all in the same town and it had a pending search for a missing girl, they could get to us.
This is how I find out where you are. With a posthumous letter, months after your death. I finally find where you are ... and you were gone, once again.
Finally, your friend told us they needed two people to go for you.
She could not bear to see you, she was obviously the most fragile of your friends, besides you, and it was one of your closest, it was far too much for her, so she was out of the equation.
The baker girl was not made for that, maybe she was a bit stronger than the fashionista, but the whole situation was not compatible with her usually bubbly attitude.
Another one of your friends, whose name escapes me right now... you know, the one who wears glasses and is pretty much an egghead. Well, that one, she had very important business to attend to, and even if she wanted wholeheartedly to, it was impossible for her to go.
This meant the only ones that were able to go were my sis and her girlfriend.
But I couldn’t let this happen; I won’t let you go again so easily, even if you are gone already, I wouldn’t allow it.
For the first time in a long, long time, I spoke. I talked and I told them I would go, I said that I would accompany them there.
Obviously, after one year, three months and two weeks without talking, my voice was inaudible, almost a whisper... to be honest, it reminded me of yours. But my sister noticed that my lips were moving and asked
'Did you just say something?'
'I'll go, I have to.’ I replied, louder this time, enough for all the present to listen.
My sister didn’t know whether to be sad about the dark revelation she received about you, or to be happy that I finally spoke. But what she was sure of, was that I should go.
She gave a silly excuse about why she couldn’t go, leaving me alone with his girlfriend as candidates."
"Today I think of letting you go.
The trip was short and we reached our destination quickly. I never understood why they needed only two people, not more nor less, or what was it exactly what we were doing, what I do know is that I got to hold your letter, and somehow we managed to give you a proper funeral with all of your loved ones. The how and why, I do not know, nor do I care.
Your letter... I finally read it. Finally I understand why you left us. Why you left me. And although things did not go as you expected them to go, you did well doing what so. Now that I know the truth, I can see the future with new eyes.
You knew your end was near. You went to different hospitals and all the doctors told you the same thing. 'Terminally Ill'.
You had a few months, you didn’t want to make them painful and that’s why you did it.
You knew I loved you and you loved me back with equal or perhaps even greater intensity. And so you left. You know you wouldn’t bear to leave me after confessing your love, and letting me confess mine. You know that if you would have stayed, you wouldn’t stand watching me suffer and be concerned about your health getting worse. You most certainly knew that if you died in my arms, I may have never recovered.
You probably never thought what really happened to me would happen. But now, seeing it from afar and giving it a thought, I think it was better to a life of suffering, knowing that you died in my arms. Now I know you loved me, more than I could ever imagine someone loving me, and that's why you did what you did. That alone gives me a reason to smile, a reason to go on.
I decided to put my life back on track. I'm still young, I'm still strong, I can still work, I can still find someone else to love and who loves me, I can still take the position that I should in my family and I can finally give my sister the rest she deserves so much. I can still give my family a reason to smile. No, I won’t be a dead weight carrying them down anymore, from now on I will be the freight train. I promise this to me, and I promise this to you.
For all of this I owe you, my girl. Without you none of these things would have been possible. Yeah, maybe I have suffered a lot for you, but it’s not for nothing they say that what does not kill us makes us stronger, and I feel very strong now.
Today ... I am determined to change my destiny.
Today ... today I got home... And you were gone. Not from your house, not from town, not from the world of the living. No, you were gone from my mind, finally.
You'll always have a huge central place in my heart and memory, but you won’t longer be a part of my present.
That's why I want to thank you, and say goodbye.
Goodbye Fluttershy”
