Can You See What I See?

Chapters

1 – Stealth Mission
3 – Glass: Half-Empty
4 – Glass: Half-Full
5 – A Lesson in Restraint
6 – Saving You From Myself
7 – The Past, Present, and the Future, Too
8 – Why?
9 – Only Two, Not Three
10 – Loose Ends, Tied in Knots
Finale – Soft
Epilogue – Doppelgänger
2 – Loose-Lipped Witness, Sailing Over Denial

1 – Stealth Mission

Ever since the Battle of the Bands, I’ve had this really specific habit that only happens under specific circumstances. When we hold our sleepovers at Pinkie Pie’s house, I almost always wake up at 2 AM. And when I do, my body won’t let me go back to sleep until I go to the kitchen and have some of that whipped cream in a can she has an absurd amount of. At first, I tried really hard to ignore this craving. But this is the fourth or fifth time it’s happened. At this point, I’ve resigned myself to the siren’s call of fluffy milkfat.

The only problem? There’s a minefield of sleeping friends between me and the hallway leading down to the kitchen. They’re not that hard to see in the dark, but I’m very tired, and my sleeping bag is positioned on the polar opposite side of Pinkie’s bedroom door.

Usually, that last part isn’t a problem. Almost every other time I’ve slept over here, my spot has been close to the door. Tonight, however, Twilight took the spot before I could.

Mind you, I don’t mean Princess Twilight. No, she’s been off doing Equestrian princess things since the formation of my strange whipped cream habit. I mean this world’s Twilight Sparkle. This is the first time she’s ever been to one of our sleepovers, so, when she placed her things down in my spot, I just chose a different one. I wanted her to feel comfortable and welcome here. She’s so shy and skittish she makes Fluttershy look like Rainbow Dash by comparison, and I just couldn’t bear to make her think she did anything wrong for her first sleepover.

Maybe I was overthinking things. Maybe I weigh the importance of where I sleep differently. If I have to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, it’s the most advantageous spot to be in. That, and I end up waking up earlier than almost anyone, so it’s easy to get up and sneak out of the room without any collateral awakenings. I get weirdly specific with a lot of things.

Stretching for a few brief moments, I sat up from my position on the ground in my sleeping bag, ever-so-carefully slipping out of the bag without rustling it too much. I stood up and looked around. Everyone in the room was still sound asleep. So far, so good.

As sleepy as I was, I was still willing to put a considerable amount of effort into being completely silent while sneaking out of the room. Sure, none of the other girls were ever that careful when they got up to use the bathroom or anything, but me? I’m different.

Continuing my stealth mission, I stepped over a few of my friends on my precarious walk to the door. As I turned the last corner of Pinkie’s bed, I noticed that the sleeping bag closest to the door was empty. Twilight’s sleeping bag. I bet wherever she is, she appreciates the convenience of that spot. I wonder if she has a similar affinity to such unnecessary specificities.

Thinking about it for a moment, I realized how odd that was. I’d been awake for a good five or so minutes and I hadn’t heard her get up. If nothing else, I should have at least heard the door open and close. I guess it makes sense she’d move so silently, considering she was quiet almost all the time anyway. Still, it was nice to know someone else who was considerate about their noise level.

Either that, or she’d been up for a while. I really hoped that wasn’t the case, though.

I shimmied out the door, slowly closing the door at just the right speed so it didn’t creak. Then I turned the knob just enough so the latch bolt wouldn’t drag against the strike plate. Once it was closed, I gradually loosened my grip on the knob until the latch bolt fell quietly and neatly into place. Stealth mission successful. My reward awaits me in the fridge downstairs.

At first, I tiptoed down the steps, but as I got further down the staircase, I grew less careful with my footsteps. Everyone slept upstairs at Pinkie’s, so being mindful of noises downstairs wasn’t really necessary. When turning the corner through the doorway to the kitchen, I spied a familiar sight.

There was Twilight. Sitting on a bar stool at the island in the center of the kitchen. Just like when Princess Twilight was here to help us at the Battle of the Bands. Only this time, she wasn’t fiddling around with Fluttershy’s notebook. The glasses and the black hoodie were different too.

She looked visibly shaken, looking down at her phone as she flipped it back and forth in her hands.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

She jumped, nearly falling out of her seat as she did. I stifled a giggle. It was kinda funny, but with how she looked I thought it better not to let that slip.

“Oh! Hi. Sunset. Yeah, I’m fine! I just… couldn’t sleep, that’s all,” she answered, rather unconvincingly. (Her tone could be best described as ‘I’m not okay but please don’t ask any more questions'.)

I walked over to the fridge, opening it and grabbing one of the many cans of whipped cream that lined the door of it. “Any reason in particular? Don’t feel bad if it’s Pinkie’s snoring, I get it.”

She let out a half-hearted laugh. “It’s no one’s fault, really. I’ve just been having a lot of trouble sleeping in general lately,” she answered. Then she let out a deep sigh.

“To be honest, I’m trying to work myself up enough to call my brother to ask him to come and get me.”

“Aww, why?” I questioned, looking back at her. Twilight looked away, her expression looking kind of guilty. Quickly, I thought of a follow-up. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. And hey, I can even take you home if you don’t want to bug your brother. But if there’s something bothering you, I’m here to listen.”

She sighed. I sprayed some whipped cream onto my fingers and licked it up as I walked over to the island. Sitting at the bar stool across from her, I watched her contemplate an answer.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that. Not with it being so late,” she declined, “And besides, the reason I can’t sleep is stupid, really.”

I shook my head as I sprayed more sweet cream onto my hand. “If it’s keeping you up at night, it can’t be that stupid. Besides, I’m almost always up around this time when we have our sleepover here. It’s a weird habit.”

In my head, I already anticipated the answer. It had only been a few weeks since the incident at the Friendship Games. As the only other person in the history of forever to turn into a she-demon as a result of uncontrollable magic, I could only guess she was having nightmares. That’s how it happened for me, at least. And she seemed to be handling the aftermath even worse than I did.

“Well, it started after the Friendship Games,” she began.

Called it.

Twilight continued after a brief pause, “I started having nightmares about that… thing I turned into. She calls herself Midnight Sparkle and-”

“Aww, how come yours gets a name?” I interrupted with a joke.

She cringed, her expression looking pained. Shit. I thought she’d pick up better on that.

“Sorry, I wasn’t trying to make light of that,” I quickly corrected. “It’s just that I know what that’s like. You remember the thing I told you about me at the Fall Formal last year? I remember having nightmares about the demon-thing I became. Only she never called herself anything. She was just a jerk.”

Twilight seemed to relax as she let out an awkward pity laugh. “I’m glad you can relate, I guess,” her face contorted as if the words leaving her mouth tasted wrong, “I hope that doesn’t sound weird.”

“Not at all,” I smiled at her. I was glad for that too. It had been a long time since I had one of those nightmares, but I remember how isolating it felt. I may have had to trudge through those thought trenches alone, but I didn’t want her to think she had to. It was an opportunity for me to be the person I would have liked to be there when I went through my own experience.

“Anyway, the nightmares begin like normal days. Then she comes around. After that, violent things happen and I’m powerless to do anything except watch.” Her voice trembles as she explains.

I nodded, “That sounds pretty much exactly like how it happened for me.” I sprayed a little whipped cream onto my fingers again. It hadn’t occurred to me until this moment how I must look like a neanderthal doing this over and over again. I wasn’t about to stop, though. Fluffy sugar milkfat good.

“Do you still have them?” she asked, “The nightmares, I mean.”

I shrugged, “Not really. The more time passed, the more confident in myself I became. And now, I know I’ll never let that happen again. And you’ll get there, too. I promise.”

A half-hearted chuckle escaped her lips. “Great. Confidence. That’s easy to come by,” she sarcastically remarked.

“Why aren’t you confident?” I asked, rather bluntly. She looked surprised that I would ask her that question. To be totally honest, I already knew her answer, and I was pretty sure I knew her reasoning as well. But it seemed more productive to give her an ear first and a word later.

Twilight scoffed. “What do I have to be confident about? I’m in high school and it’s taken me this long to make any friends. And all I have to show for my ‘brilliant scientific prowess’ is an invention that transformed me into something that nearly brought about the end of the world. And to top it all off, I’m a lanky nerd.”

I frowned at her. The way she talked about herself was upsetting. She really didn’t think that highly of herself at all, did she? It went a long way to explain why she was so timid. But I almost felt offended on her behalf. If anyone else talked about her like that, I might slap them. Sure, we may not have known each other for that long, but the fact that I already thought that highly of her had to count for something, right?

“I don’t think that’s fair,” I replied. She perked up and knit her eyebrow, looking me in the eye.

“It may have taken you this long to make friends, sure” I elaborated, “But it sounds to me like you weren’t in the best environment to do that over at Crystal Prep, right?”

She nodded, letting out a slight sigh of resignation as she looked away. “I guess so, yeah.”

If I was going to continue this pep talk, I needed more whipped cream. I sprayed out a little more and then continued.

“Plus, you’re without a doubt the smartest person I’ve ever met. The way you smoked me during that first competition at the Friendship Games was seriously impressive. I’d go as far to say you might be smarter than Princess Twilight.”

That last bit was pushing it, honestly. Sure, this Twilight was incredibly smart, but I don’t think she’s capable of building a cross-dimensional portal in less than an hour. Though, if she could, I guess I wouldn’t be that surprised. I lapped up more whipped cream and kept going. Regardless, I could see a shy smile and a bit of a blush on her face as she kept looking away from me.

“And ‘lanky nerd’? Twilight, one of the most popular boys in school is pining over you. I think that should say enough about how attractive you are.”

She blushed and looked away at that comment, but also looked a little put off by it. “To be fair, I think Flash is technically yearning for a different version of me. That, and, well…”

Twilight paused and looked around the room. “Well, yeah, that’s basically it.” There was something she was afraid to say there, but I shrugged it off.

“But I do get your point,” she concluded.

“Good. I think you’ve got a lot to be proud of. There’s more to you than you give yourself credit for,” I concluded.

Twilight smiled at me. I smiled back. Yes! I am winning so many friendship points right now. Princess Twilight would absolutely be giving me an A in friendship if she were here.

A blush spread across Twilight’s face. “I-I don’t know what to say,” she stammered, “But I really appreciate that, Sunset. It means a lot.”

Rather than continuing the conversation, I held out the can of whipped cream and motioned for her to reach out her hand. She did, and I sprayed a generous helping out onto her fingers, promptly doing the same for myself afterwards.

As I licked mine off my fingers like the disgusting animal I must have looked like all night, I looked back up at her. She’d just done the same, but when she had, she’d smeared some of it on her nose.

My mouth was full of whipped cream so I motioned towards my nose in an attempt to notify her of the bit of whipped cream she had on it. She didn’t seem to understand my gesture, however. Instead, I put down the whipped cream can, and with my clean hand I reached over to her face and wiped it off myself. I licked the bit of cream off my finger and looked back up at her and–

Oh. Oh Celestia, why did I do that? That was really weird.

Twilight blushed profusely. It truly did not occur to me how needlessly flirtatious my actions were until after they happened. Honestly, I just wanted to be nice! And I also kinda wanted more whipped cream. Right? I sat there completely still, every single muscle in my body tightening. I can’t remember the last time I felt this embarrassed after doing something so thoughtlessly.

I swallowed the cream in my mouth, almost choking from the speed of which I was trying to clear my mouth. Quickly, I thought of something to say. “S-Sorry! You had whipped cream on your nose, and my mouth was just full so I figured I’d do that for you. I hope that wasn’t weird.”

A few brief seconds of silence. Then she laughed, and as she did I felt my whole body relax. I was glad she didn’t take that the wrong way. I joined her in laughter. After a few seconds, we both went quiet again. It felt a little awkward.

“So,” I said, breaking the silence, “Did you still want me to give you a ride home? I’m getting kinda sleepy again, so if you want to, we should probably do it soon.”

She looked around the room, contemplating. “Actually, I think I’ll stick it out,” she said with a smile.

Did I say Princess Twilight would give me an A? Nah, she’d give me an A plus. And a little gold star.

“I’m really happy to hear that,” I replied, smiling back at her, “Now come on, we should probably get to sleep. We don’t want to be the last ones awake if we want there to be any breakfast left in the morning.”

Twilight nodded and stood up from her seat. I did the same and began walking toward the staircase.

“Umm, just one more thing,” she spoke. I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I responded as I turned around to face her again.

“This is kind of a weird question,” she began, looking bashful, “But can I sleep next to you? J-Just in case I have another nightmare.”

That question completely blindsided me. But why? It was a perfectly reasonable request. So why did I freeze? Why was my brain stalling? I tried not to blush, but I could feel my face heat up. I was standing in a part of the kitchen with very little light, though, so I really hoped she couldn’t see it. Why did I care? Far too many thoughts about such a simple question. The sugar from the whipped cream was definitely hitting my brain. Yeah, that’s it.

“Sure, yeah,” I responded, “I’ll grab your bag on the way in. Just follow me close. You’ll have to step over a few of our friends on the way to my side, but lucky for you, I’m a master of stealth.”

She smiled at me, and I smiled back. Even though I knew it was only a few seconds, we stood there for what felt like several minutes just smiling at one another. Something about this made my heart inexplicably flutter. It was that darn sugar again.

I shook my head like I was dozing off to break eye contact and turned around once more. We both made our way up the stairs, her getting closer behind me as we got to the door. I turned the doorknob gingerly and pulled the door open without making a sound. As I walked in, I grabbed Twilight’s sleeping bag and pillow. She closed the door behind us just as quietly as I had done on my way out.

I lifted her sleeping bag and pillow and held them close. They smelled like lavender. Just like her. It’s not enough that she is purple, she had to smell purple too, huh.

I tiptoed around several sleeping bodies on the floor. The things I was carrying presented me with a different, more difficult challenge than my time sneaking out. Still, I carefully made silent steps around my friends. Once over Rainbow Dash, once over Applejack, and finally once over Rarity. Twilight followed close, always one step behind. I would take a step, and her footfall would be exactly where mine was before my last step.

We made it to where I’d set my sleeping bag up. The hard part was over. I placed her stuff down, then turned back to her. I smiled at her, gave her a wink and a thumbs up. She returned the gesture. I couldn’t help but smile even wider.

There wasn’t a lot of space next to my sleeping bag, but I gently moved mine to the side enough so Twilight would have close to the amount of room her sleeping bag demanded. This left me with very little room between her bag and the bed I was sleeping next to, but like I said before: I want her to feel welcome. If that means I need to be a little cramped while I sleep, I can deal.

I set her sleeping bag up right next to mine after I finished adjusting mine. Our sleeping bags rustled as we got in them and situated into comfortable positions. Once we did, the only thing that could be heard were the sounds of our friends still fast asleep. Yet another stealth mission aced. This time I managed to do it while escorting someone, no less.

“Thanks again, Sunset,” she whispered to me, smiling again.

“Any time, Twilight,” I smiled and whispered back. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

She turned over in her bag, laying on her side facing the wall and away from me. I sat there staring up at the ceiling for a few minutes. To my surprise and relief, she was sound asleep within minutes. I, on the other hand, continued to lay awake for an indeterminate amount of time. After tonight, my mind was racing.

I definitely had way too much whipped cream this time. The sugar was still getting to me.

But then I looked over to Twilight again. Since she’d become a member of our little group, I’d always had a soft spot for her. Maybe it was because she was so similar to Princess Twilight. Maybe it was because she’s the only other person who shares a catastrophic experience with uncontrollable cross-dimensional magic with me. Regardless, after tonight, things felt a little different. I felt like I should be protective of her. I couldn’t go to sleep just yet. I have to stay awake and fend off her nightmares. As if nightmares were real, tangible things I could fight off on her behalf.

Then I thought back to the moment with the whipped cream on her nose. The face she gave me after I wiped it off her nose. The deep blush that quickly spread across her entire face. It was cute. Twilight was cute. Really cute.

Oh no.

After that thought, I tried to distract myself by looking around at the walls in Pinkie’s room. Reading a few words on a poster over and over. Looking over the days on the calendar. How many Tuesdays are there this month? There really wasn’t anything substantial enough to distract me.

My mind was headed down a very complicated path. One that I didn’t think I was ready to confront any time soon. This was time for sleeping, not feeling, damn it. Especially weird feelings like this.

But the mind is a strange thing. When I don’t want it to wander, it will often gravitate towards places I would never consciously nudge it toward. But when I try to make it wander, it will latch onto an idea and send my train of thought barreling down the tracks after cutting the brakes. And I’m just along for the ride.

That’s what started to happen. There simply wasn’t enough stimulation in this dark bedroom for me to properly distract myself. I couldn’t help myself. Powerless to stop my angst-riddled mind, I thought back to all those smiles. All those times she looked around the room too nervous to make eye contact with me. The times she blushed. Twilight was cute.

I thought about when she talked about how she felt about herself. I mistakenly felt a little angry, as if it were someone else insulting her. How dare anyone think of her like that? How could she see herself like that? What made her feel that way? Who made her feel that way? What can I do to make her stop? Make her realize she’s so much more than what she thinks?

If only she could feel the same way about herself that I feel about her.

…But that’s when it dawned on me.

Do I really know how I feel about her?

Shit.

Author's Note

As I said in the description, this is my first time writing in first person in a very long time. If there are any mistakes with perspectives, please let me know if it's egregious.

Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

11/21/22 Update: Huge thanks to EileenSaysHi for going through and revising a lot of the mistakes that were present when I first published this.

3 – Glass: Half-Empty

The bus sped along the bumpy, uneven roads back to CHS. I was hiding out in the back, while all my friends were much closer to the front. When I made my way back here, they’d asked me why, and I’d just told them I was tired. And it was the truth. Our time at camp was physically and mentally exhausting. I just wanted to go home.

It had been just a few minutes since we’d pulled away from Camp Everfree. When we arrived initially, we thought it was going to be a nice, fun, and relaxing set of days away from Canterlot City. Of course, it turned out to be a lot more stressful than expected. We all thought Equestrian magic wouldn’t follow us this far out into the middle of nowhere, but we were dead wrong. It still found us, and, as it turned out, it had been waiting for us since before we even arrived.

But right now, I just wanted to go home.

When I found out me and Twilight were going to share a tent, I was so excited. We’d have a place where we could be alone at night. It was like a sign from Celestia herself. I had a few days to formulate a plan, and, once the time was right, I’d finally say what I’d been meaning to say for months. I’d finally spill my guts out to Twilight. I would profess my love to her in a way so beautiful and romantic, she’d have no choice but to run into my arms and let me hold her. But the time was never right. I never went through with it. And now, I just wanted to go home.

Throughout our stay, she’d still been having nightmares every night. All except the last. Every single night we shared that tent I’d wake up to her screaming, or fidgeting and making distressed noises in her sleep. Every single time she did, I’d get up as fast as I could run over to her. I’d be at her side in a heartbeat. I’d hug her any time she needed me too. It didn’t matter what hour of the night it was, I was there. I remembered all too well what it was like, and what I would have given to have someone to be there for me.

But when our final night at camp came around, she slept soundly through the night. We both did. She might not need me to comfort her at night anymore, and that’s a good thing. But now, I just wanted to go home.

There was a reason we slept so peacefully that night. The day prior, she conquered her fear of magic and learned how to control her own, and, in doing so, saved all of our lives. Every single person on this bus owed her for what she did that day. I couldn’t be more proud of her. But now, I just wanted to go home.

That wasn’t the only reason I was proud of her, either. Not only had she overcome her fear and saved us all, she also worked up the courage to get up on stage with our band. Ever since we’d known her, we tried to get her to sing with the Rainbooms. Despite having such a pretty voice, she was always afraid to get up on stage and show it off. Perhaps being our savior was the confidence boost she needed. Or maybe the fact that it was for a fundraising event to keep Camp Everfree open gave her the courage she needed to set aside her fears – if only for a night.

Or maybe it was that boy. Timber Spruce.

Early on, Twilight got really friendly with one of the two camp counselors. He was a nice guy, and Twilight took a liking to him after the first few hours of our stay. He made her laugh, made her blush; he’s a charmer all around. And at the end of it all, he got to share a dance with her at the fundraiser. While they danced, they got so close to kissing, too! Isn't that so romantic?!

I was so happy to see she found someone she hit it off so well with. So happy to hear that, while they may not have kissed that night, she’d be going on a date with him later on. For all intents and purposes, she found herself a boyfriend. What a storybook ending! I couldn’t be any happier for her!

But now, I really just wanted to go home.

It’s not like seeing those two get along so well had anything to do with me not telling her how I feel. I thought about telling Twilight how I felt every single night, but I’d always back off at the last second for a completely sound and morally justifiable reason. You see, it would be manipulative of me to tell her how I feel when she’s so emotionally compromised. Asking her at those times would be taking advantage of her.

At night, she’d be afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. I couldn’t tell her how I felt after reassuring her that I’d be there for her, or that nothing bad would happen. That wasn’t right. She’d feel the need to say yes because she’d be afraid that I wouldn’t reassure her if she didn’t love me back. And I couldn’t tell her how I felt after talking her down from a nightmare-induced panic attack. That would tell her my support was conditional. That I was expecting something in return. She’d feel naturally inclined to reciprocate my feelings because she’d be afraid I wouldn’t help her if she turned me down.

Or when she snuck out into the woods in the middle of the night to call a cab to leave camp early. I couldn’t just convince her to stay and then tell her how I felt. That would show I had an ulterior motive. That I was selfish. She would have to say yes because she’d be afraid that if she said no I’d respond negatively and say “Go ahead, call a cab, see if I care!” or something to that effect. Not that I would ever do that, but how could I blame her, or anyone, for thinking I would? I used to be awful, you know. Maybe it would have been perfect timing considering the parallel it had to our first "romantic" moment, but it wasn't the right thing to do.

And besides, I missed my chance. Now she’s with some guy. He got there first, and she’s happy with that. She’s probably not even gay or bi and if she is, she probably doesn’t feel for me the same way that I do about her. My only choice in this scenario is to let go. The only thing I can do is be happy for her and move on. That’s what you do when you love someone. You recognize that what’s more important is not what you want, but what they want. You let go.

And I’m not bitter. I’m not sulking. I don’t feel like shit because she’s with someone else now. Bitterness is out of the question. Jealousy is not even a consideration. Both of those emotions are forbidden and I, Sunset Shimmer, do not feel either of them and never will. That’s not how I work anymore.

And it’s not like I’m sitting here in the back of the bus away from all of my friends because I lied about being too tired to hang around them and talk. I didn’t just slink to the back of the bus so I could be alone with my thoughts and regrets. My heart isn’t aching, or broken, or anything like that! Everyone had fun, so I had fun. Twilight is happy, so I am happy.

And I’m not convincing anyone of anything I just said. Least of all myself.

I just. Really. Want. To go home.

My moping was suddenly interrupted when my phone buzzed in my pocket for something like the eighth time in the last twenty minutes. If it wasn’t annoying me, I’d probably just ignore it again. But it’s getting to be a bit much. How can whoever it is texting me not pick up on the hint I’m not dropping them? I’m sulking and don’t want to talk. That should be completely obvious.

Up until this point, I’ve been leaning against the window, my head just low enough to be hidden below the back of the seat in front of me. Slipping my phone out of my pocket, I rotate onto my back and rest my head right below the bus window so I’m still laying low enough not to be seen. I tap my phone’s screen and navigate to my messaging app. My eyes rolled when I saw who it was.

All eight messages were from Rarity. And she’s trying her hardest to get me to explain why I’m really all the way in the back of the bus instead of near the front with them. At least, that’s what I can gather from glancing over each one of these absurdly long text bubbles.

You see, there’s a fatal flaw in her plan: all of her texts are too wordy. If I feel like shit, and I do, I simply won’t put forth the effort it takes to read anything longer than one sentence. If she wants to know what’s up with me so bad, she can march right down the aisle of the bus and ask me herself.

Only I really hope she doesn’t. Not just because I’m not in the mood to deal with her, but because I don’t want anyone else to follow her. That would just complicate things even further.

I shut my eyes as I slumped further into my position. Even over the sound of everyone talking at once on the bus, I heard footsteps approaching. I sighed, preparing for Rarity to start tearing into me for ignoring her messages.

“Hi Sunset!”

I perked up almost instantly. To my surprise (and relief), it wasn’t Rarity at all. It was Twilight.

“Mind if I sit next to you real quick?” she asked.

I shook my head quickly, picking myself up from the slumped position I was lazing in moments prior. Then I nodded.

“Yeah! Sure, go ahead,” I answered. My brain was scrambling to gain some semblance of composure. As awful as I felt on the inside, I couldn’t let any of that slip in front of Twilight. It wasn’t her fault I was feeling this way. She might technically be the reason I am, but she’s not doing it on purpose. My emotional baggage is just that: mine.

“Everything alright?” I asked.

She gave me an awkward smile, “Actually, I came back here to ask you that. You’ve been awfully quiet since this morning and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“Yeah, it’s just… everything at camp, setting up and doing the fundraiser; all that was really exhausting. I’m just trying to take it easy,” I lied.

“Tell me about it,” she replied, “I feel like when I get home I’m going to hibernate until the next semester starts.” She let out a nervous laugh, and I gave her a chuckle as well.

Wow! What a coincidence! I was planning on doing the same thing! Except maybe with a touch of crying, a pinch of binge eating, and to top it off a nice slathering of dissociation. If I were honest, that's how I'd answer.

“I can certainly imagine,” I responded, “Something tells me you’ll sleep a lot easier from here on out, and I’m sure you’ve racked up quite a lot of sleep debt.”

She giggled. Ugh, she was so cute.

“I really wanted to thank you for that, by the way,” she remarked.

I knit my brow, “Me? What did I do?”

Twilight chuckled again. Then she smiled sheepishly as she looked away from me.

“Aside from the fact that you’ve dealt with me waking you up just about every time we’ve slept in the same room for the past three months, you really helped me realize there was nothing to be afraid of,” she explained, “When Gaea Everfree had us cornered, and things looked grim, you gave me the confidence I needed to overcome my fear. Everyone keeps saying I’m the hero, but if it weren’t for you, we’d all be plant food right now. And because of that, I think I’ll finally be able to sleep normally again.”

Her words were so endearing. For a moment, it was almost enough to make me forget my brain was a dam on the brink of failing to contain a flood of sadness and unrequited romance. My brain wasn’t about to let me have this moment for long, though. An argument started inside of me.

Do it. What am I waiting for? Do it right now. Celestia herself has opened a cross-dimensional portal from Equestria over me, lowered herself down from the heavens, and handed me a diamond-encrusted golden opportunity on an ornate silver platter. Tell her. Tell her how I feel. Do it right now.

But I can’t. Not right now. This is the perfect opportunity but it’s not. She just got asked out on a date yesterday and said yes. That would reflect horribly on me. That would be selfish. She’d be offended. She’d never want to speak to me again.

I can’t just sit here and stare forever. She’s expecting an answer. I have to give her something. Anything.

“Hey, I may have given you the push, but you did all the work,” I finally responded, “But really, it’s not an issue. You’re my best friend, and I’d do anything in the world for you.” It was the right thing to say, but I couldn't help but feel how deeply unsatisfying that answer was all over.

Still, our eyes locked as the words left my mouth. She smiled at me. I smiled back at her. Time slowed down. I was lost in her gaze, and she seemed lost in mine. I wanted nothing more than to scoot closer to her. For us to grasp each other’s hands and lean into one another’s lips. It’s all I could think about.

I almost felt tempted to grab onto her wrist. I wanted to know what was on her mind. Did she see me the same way I saw her? Maybe her thoughts would be an echo of my own. I could just hear her voice shouting “Kiss me! Please! Just kiss me already!”

But I didn’t. Not only would it be wrong to use my newfound power in such a way, but I feared for what I’d learn. As much as I wanted to believe she felt the same as I did in this moment, I knew there was an equal chance she was thinking “why is this weirdo staring at me?” And if I wasn’t already heartbroken enough, that would shatter me. If that came to pass, I certainly couldn’t ask for any sympathy. I would have exposed myself to that. It would be my doing. My problem.

The bus hit a pothole which broke both of our concentration as we bounced. I could feel my face heat up as I looked away from her, and, in the split second before my eyes moved away, I swore I could see a blush on her cheeks.

“W-Well, I’ll let you rest,” she stammered, “But let’s hang out sometime before summer break is over. If you want to, that is.”

“Absolutely! I’ll make sure the apartment’s in better shape than last time,” I responded. I was lying again. I can’t imagine myself doing any cleaning when I feel like this.

“Don’t worry about it,” she replied, “I’ll shoot you a text sometime when I’m free!”

“Great! I’ll talk to you then,” I said back. She got up and smiled before walking back to our group of friends at the front. Once again, I was alone.

And the moment she was far enough away, I slumped back into my seat just like before. I felt like I was rapidly deflating. Now, not only was I upset with myself for not saying anything while we were at camp, I was emotionally confused. How am I supposed to feel about anything that just happened?

On one hand, I felt angry at myself. I should have said something. That was the perfect opportunity to tell her how I felt. I could have prefaced it with “I know you just met that boy and all” just so she’d know there were no stakes in what I was saying. On the other hand, I was confused. I could have asked her why she was staring at me so intensely for so long. Why did she blush when we finally broke our gaze? Or why did she want to check up on me when I already told her and everyone else I was just tired? Why? Why?? Why??? What does it all mean?!

I took a deep breath and let out slowly. It was hard not to get so worked up over this. I felt like she was sending me the wrong signals on accident, but I also felt like she sent the right signal on purpose too. And at the same time, what if she’s not sending me any signals at all? Am I just seeing patterns where there are none? Is my mind looking for an answer that isn’t the one it so desperately wants to reject? Why can’t any of this just be simple? I had to try to think about something else.

I started to fantasize about that moment. I thought about how I wanted things to unfold. I wanted to tell her I would do anything for her no matter what because I was so madly in love with her. How, no matter what she felt about me, I would always be there for her.

And how I would have loved to finally feel her lips against mine, our arms pulling each other close. Everything around us – the bus, the other students, the outside world itself – would melt and it would just be the two of us sitting in complete isolation. And when we pulled away from one another, she’d look me in the eyes and say

“And why have you been ignoring all my texts?”

I was suddenly and violently ripped from my romantic fantasy, sent tumbling down until I landed back in reality, sitting in the back of a bus on a dingy faux-leather seat. Rarity had walked all the way to the back of the bus where I was sitting without me even noticing. She motioned for me to move since I was taking up the entirety of the seat by laying on it. I groaned as I sat up in my seat.

“What do you want?” I barked. That came out sounding a bit more abrasive than I anticipated, but I was kind of in the middle of something incredibly important.

“I want to know how you’re feeling,” she said, sympathy audible in her voice. It made me feel a little worse about my attitude.

I sighed, “I’m fine. I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Twilight may have bought your little charade, but I know better than to accept that answer from you,” she snapped. “We have history, you know!”

“Rarity, one of these days you’ve really got to come clean about what you’re hoping to gain from poking around in my business,” I responded.

She scoffed as if I had just accused her of something. “Have I not already proven to you my intentions are purely virtuous?” she questioned. “I haven’t told a single soul about your little secret, so the very least you can do is trust my sincerity. Now, tell me how you’re feeling.”

It was true. At least as far as I was aware, Rarity hadn’t blabbed to any of the other girls about the conversation we had a few months ago. It was genuinely impressive. I felt inclined to tell her the truth, but there was more than one reason why I didn’t want to talk about this.

This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have here. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have anywhere, but especially not in the back of a bus that’s within earshot of Twilight, or anyone else for that matter. If it were up to me, I’d sit here and dissociate until we got back to CHS so I could go home and dissociate some more there. At least that way, I might be over my feelings for Twilight before we could hang out again.

But it’s also just not right for me to feel the negative things I’m feeling. Everything that’s wrong with me is my problem, and to dump my unreasonable woes onto someone else just feels even more wrong. I feel like everything I do is wrong. It’s probably not normal to feel that way, but I’m not normal. I’m a magical talking unicorn from another dimension given a human body. Nothing about me is normal.

After a few moments of gathering my thoughts and choosing my words, nothing sounded right. So I settled on something that might be kind of funny. At least to me. I took a deep breath and began my answer.

“Like shit.”

The way I said it made it sound like I was going to launch into a longer explanation, but I didn’t. I just sat there and looked at her afterwards.

Rarity looked back at me with concern for a few seconds until she realized I wasn’t going to say anything else. Then she glared at me. I gave her a smug smile back. She couldn’t say I didn’t give her an answer! She didn’t ask me to explain, she didn’t ask me to show my work – all she asked was how I was feeling, and I answered the question.

“And why do you feel like shit?” she asked flatly.

I groaned, “Do we really have to do this right here? Right now?”

“Not unless you want me to follow you home so we can do it there.” she replied.

I rolled my eyes, “Why are you–”

I stopped before I could give a full answer. Quickly, I realized how much more ideal that sounded. If nothing else, we’d be in a place where no one could hear us. There’d be no chance of someone walking in on our conversation, and no chance of her having to come up with another unbelievably flimsy excuse for why we would inevitably be yelling at each other.

“That works, actually,” I said.

She raised her eyebrows like she was surprised I’d answer her like that.

“Oh… well, alright then,” she said. Then she was quiet for a minute. I saw her look towards our friends at the front of the bus for a moment. She held her chin in her hand and squinted, looking deep in thought.

“Here’s the plan,” she began, “I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea by going home with you, least of all Twilight. So once you get home, text me and I’ll come by there. Does that sound like a good plan to you?”

I nodded, “Yeah, whatever. Can I go back to moping?”

She glared at me, “You can, for now. But this isn’t over.”

Rarity got up from her seat next to me and started walking back to the front. Before she made it, she turned around and walked back to me.

“And don’t even think of not texting me when you get home!” she barked, “I know where you live and I know where you keep your spare key.”

“Could you say that in a more threatening way? I feel a little too safe after that.” I joked.

She slyly smiled at me, pointing two fingers at her eyes before pointing them at mine. Then she finally made her way back to the front of the bus. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew my relief was temporary, but, maybe in an hour from now, I’d actually feel like talking instead of languishing. I had a feeling in the pit of my gut that wouldn’t be the case, however.

It left me to wonder: what were Rarity’s motives? Sure, she hadn’t told anyone about the morning she twisted my arm into admitting I had a crush on Twilight, but that didn’t explain why she was so determined to help me out with it. Was she really even trying to be helpful? What could she possibly have to gain from us being in a relationship?

When she comes by my apartment, that will be the first thing we talk about. She can help me with Twilight as much as she wants after that, but I have to get to the bottom of why she’s being so helpful. There has to be another motive.

Whatever the case, I just want to go home.

Author's Note

In case you didn't catch it, this part takes place after the events of Legends of Everfree. In the time that's passed, Sunset has tried and failed multiple times to confess how she feels.

I have a fun idea for the next chapter. Should be done soon, but I might take a day or so off.

Thanks for reading :twilightsmile:

11/29/22 Update: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for going over this and doing some much needed corrections!

4 – Glass: Half-Full

Something I’ve always heard from other artists and musicians alike is that when your heart is aching, that’s the best time to create. While language is our primary medium of emotional communication, it’s far from the only one – it’s just the easiest one to translate. Even though the voice in our mind speaks a language that sounds like the one we speak with our mouths, it's different to some degree. That’s why we may end up speechless when we feel certain things. It's why, when words fail us, creative expression is said to be the next best thing.

At least, that’s what some people would lead you to believe. But I’ve never understood how people are able to create when they feel angry, or sad, or any other kind of negative emotion. When I feel like I do right now, those feelings are all-encompassing. If anything, it’s only become more of a challenge to translate these feelings into anything creative.

As soon as I got home, I got dressed in an old band t-shirt and shorts, sat down on my couch, and started aimlessly strumming on my guitar, thinking I’d be able to come up with the ballad of the century. All the conditions are perfect – I'd just been through a violent and semi-traumatic event, and I had to watch the girl I’ve been pining over for months almost kiss someone else. My heart was aching, and it should be full of chords and melodies, but not a single one sounded right. Even while playing the most harmonious notes in the brightest of keys, every melody I played felt dark and dissonant.

“C chord… F chord… C major seven chord… wait, shit, that’s already a song I know,” I mutter to myself in defeat, “Ugh, how do people do this?”

My attention was suddenly ripped away from the fretboard as I heard someone fiddling around with the door to my apartment. It sounded like they were trying to pick the deadbolt lock. Recalling one of the two conversations I had on the bus ride home, I knew that could only mean one thing.

“It’s not locked, Rarity,” I said, loud enough for her to hear me through the door. A few seconds of silent, unseen embarrassment later, she turned the knob and swung the door open.

Rarity was glaring at me with a fiery anger in her eyes. I returned her gesture with a sly grin.

“Did I, or did I not tell you to text me when you got home?” she yelled as she slammed the door shut behind her. She was carrying her purse around her arm, while her hand held a clear plastic bag carrying a brown paper bag. I couldn’t tell what was in the second bag from this far away, only a vague outline as the bag hung next to her purple skirt.

“You did,” I confessed, “but I knew you’d come over anyway. Why else do you think I left the door unlocked?”

She sighed as her expression softened, though still clearly annoyed. Her eyes scanned my messy apartment, darting to the unfolded laundry draped on my furniture, then the empty takeout boxes on the coffee table, then the sink half-full of dishes. After a few seconds, her nose slightly crinkled.

“Goodness, you could have at least picked up a little bit before I arrived,” she groaned.

I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m glad you stopped by. I wasn’t sure if I had enough reasons to feel bad about myself,” I snarked. While I didn't feel good about myself, her comments left me unbothered for the most part. Judging by her awkward expression, she must have thought I was serious.

“I suppose I've seen worse. This is nothing compared to how Rainbow Dash’s room looks,” she replied, walking to the kitchen and placing the plastic bag on the counter. “Now, where do you keep your glassware?”

“Above the sink.” I went back to strumming my guitar, ignoring the sound of her rummaging through the cabinets in my kitchen. I began to name the chords I played as I tried to find the right combination of notes. “A minor… F major seven… C over E… C add nine over–”

“Sunset, I said glassware,” shouted Rarity from the kitchen, “All I see here is plastic.”

My brow furrowed. I turned around to face her, “Rarity, I work part-time at a mall. Do you really think I have the money for actual glassware?”

She groaned, “Fair point. I suppose these cups will have to do, then. Remind me to bring my own glasses next time.”

“I won’t,” I replied. I could hear her exasperated sigh from the kitchen.

She removed the paper bag from the plastic one and placed it on the counter. I could see the neck of a bottle as she popped the closure off of the capsule on top.

“What did you bring with you?” I asked.

She began pouring a dark red liquid into two equal-sized cups. “Wine,” she answered. “Red wine to be specific. My mother swears it’s the best remedy for a broken heart.”

My eyes went wide. “Wh–How did you get that? Why did you bring it here? We’re not supposed to–”

“Relax, darling,” she interrupted, a relaxed smile on her face. “My mother is the one who suggested I bring it with me. Besides, I didn’t drive myself here either, so I’m not going to be driving myself home.” That was almost hard for me to believe, but as long as neither of us were driving, did it really matter?

As I placed my guitar on the stand next to the couch, Rarity sauntered over with a cup in each hand. She took her seat at the opposite end and placed our glasses down in front of each of us, respectively. Staring at the cup, I felt apprehension at the thought of drinking my sorrows away, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to indulge in this technically illegal activity. Anything that could provide a distraction from the heartache brought on by unrequited love sounded appealing.

Rarity picked up her cup, bringing it all the way up to her lips before stopping. “If you don’t feel like drinking, then I implore to abstain,” she explained, “But I don’t think a bit of social lubrication will hurt.”

Did I really want to drink? Everyone always says it’s the worst thing you can do when you’re in a bad spot emotionally. But it wasn't like I was doing it alone, and it wasn't like I'd be able to drink whenever after this.

“Eh, what the hell,” I said as I picked up my plastic cup and lifted up. Rarity extended her arm, clacking her cup against mine before we both took a drink.

The moment I brought the cup close to my lips, I felt like I was going to cough. The smell was fruity, but unpleasantly pungent. This wasn't my first time drinking alcohol, but it was my first time drinking wine. My nose wrinkled and my brow knit as I choked down the burn of the alcohol spilling down my throat. As I finished my sip, I looked at Rarity. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought she was drinking water.

She looked completely unbothered as she placed her glass down. Then she giggled, no doubt because she could see the look of discomfort on my face. She seemed a little too practiced at guzzling this toxic substance.

Rarity broke the ice. “Now, tell me what happened with–”

Putting my hand up, I interrupted her. “Hold it. Before we talk about anything else, I need answers.”

She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. When I asked, I expected her to argue so I hadn’t prepared a question yet.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked plainly.

Her eyes darted away momentarily before meeting mine again. “Doing what?” she answered, squinting at me in confusion.

“You know, like… Everything!” I answered. As I placed my cup down on the coffee table, she looked no less perplexed than when I had asked the first question.

So I began to list everything I meant. “The conversation at the sleepover, the periodic texts about how things are going with Twilight, asking me how I’m doing on the bus after I said I wanted to be alone,” I stopped to take another sip of wine, then pointed at my cup to bolster my argument. “Bringing alcohol to my apartment because I feel bad? What’s your angle? What’s your motivation?”

“Did we not go over this earlier on the bus?” she answered, picking up her cup and taking another drink.

Placing my own cup back down before swallowing more of that disgustingly pungent juice, I pointed at her. “See, I knew you were gonna say that,” I argued, “but you didn’t tell me your motivation. You just told me to trust you.”

“Okay?" Rarity pursed her lips, looking at me incredulously. "Have I given you a reason not to trust me?”

I shook my head. “No, you haven’t. And I’ll be honest, I’m really grateful for that! But that’s part of what makes this so confusing. When you finally got me to admit my feelings, I thought for sure it would only be a few days tops before all the other girls heard about it.”

“Yes, and? I fail to see what the problem is,” she insisted.

“It’s not a problem, it’s just–” I stopped, looking down at my glass and grabbing my chin pensively. She took another sip and kept staring at me with her eyebrow raised.

“I just don’t get it,” I appealed, “I’m not trying to be mean, but you have a reputation for being a gossip queen. When news gets to you, it's usually only a matter of time until it gets to everyone else.”

After those words left my mouth, I was worried that might sound insulting. The way she responded made it seem like it was a point of pride to her. She just shrugged and smirked, tilting her head toward me in agreement as she took another sip.

“So why is this different? Why am I different? Why are you so determined to help me? Even after I have outright rejected your help, you’re still trying to. And like I said, don’t think I’m not grateful – I absolutely am – but if you really want to help me, we have to come to some kind of understanding.”

The room went silent for a few seconds after my rant concluded. Rarity looked at me, taking another drink before placing her cup back down. The tension in the room was thick. At least, I thought it was. Maybe the wine was already messing with my head. I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast that morning after all, so maybe it was hitting me a little quick.

“I understand your trepidation, Sunset,” she began. “If I were in your position, and you were me, I might not even trust you at all.” I really wasn’t sure how to take that last comment, but I did my best to ignore it.

She paused, looking as though she was gathering her thoughts. I nodded as I waited. “But what you’re asking has multiple, complex answers,” she continued. “If you insist, I will give you all the answers you so desire. But before that, I would like to make an appeal.”

After squinting at her for a few moments, I nodded subtly. "Go on."

“Let’s make a deal.”

She was determined to give me everything except a straight answer. I should have known she was going to try and weasel her way out of answering me. Nevertheless, I lifted my cup to my lips again and gestured with my free hand for her to continue with her proposal. She’d put up with my interrogation, so I at least owed her a chance to make her case.

“If you let me help you – follow my instructions, my advice, my plans – and we’re successful, then I don’t have to give you an answer,” she wagered, “You’ll have no need to know why I helped you. It will be a moot point.”

Tightening my lips, I raised an eyebrow. “And what defines success? I could be chasing Twilight for months, if not years from now. That’s kind of a nebulous goal, isn’t it?”

She laughed and shook her head. "I promise you, darling, this will not take anywhere close to a year. If I’m correct – and I’ve no reason to doubt myself – you’ll have your chance in a few months’ time. As long as you do what I say, and so long as everything goes according to plan, you two will be an item before the end of fall.”

“Okay, and what happens if we don’t succeed?”

She took another drink of wine. “I will tell you absolutely everything about why I'm so adamant about assisting you, and I will spare no details whatsoever. Do we have a deal?”

The room was silent for a couple of minutes as I contemplated my decision.

“I’ll give you a moment to mull it over while I fetch more wine,” she remarked.

Realizing how woozy I was already feeling, I decided against drinking anymore until I was satisfied with what she told me. Placing my cup down once more, I grabbed my chin. Half of me wanted to just say “Deal!” and move on to whatever plan she had in store. The other half of me was hung up on her non-answer. If there were multiple reasons she was helping me, what could it hurt for me to know at least one of them?

As much reason as Rarity had given me to trust her thus far, I just wasn’t willing to go along with it not knowing much. Even less satisfying was the prospect of never knowing anything at all. Even if I ended up with Twilight, I’d always wonder why she’d gone to such great lengths to help me with something she had nothing to gain from.

Rarity placed her cup down and sat on the couch again. “Have you reached your verdict?”

“I have, your honor,” I joked. “Let’s compromise.”

She seemed a little uncomfortable as she looked around the room, but, after a few seconds of silence, she nodded. “Okay. How so?”

“You said there are multiple reasons you’re helping me, right?” I asked.

She nodded again.

“There has to be at least one reason you’re willing to tell me,” I went on. “It doesn’t have to be a long, well-thought-out answer. I just need something. I can’t agree to this without knowing anything.”

Rarity picked up her cup and took a sip. That sip turned into multiple chugs. I thought she was going to down the whole cup at once. I was getting a little concerned, but eventually she placed the glass back down with an exhale. It was only half-full now. I began taking another sip of wine myself, breaking my earlier promise. Her pause continued for what felt like another few minutes before she finally spoke up.

"Here's a reason," she said, pausing to clear her throat. “Twilight is as gay as they come. Right now, she’s trying to trick herself into thinking she’s not, and it makes me ill just to watch.”

Specks of red splashed onto my face as I barely managed to spit my drink back into my cup. I just couldn’t help but laugh at how matter-of-fact her statement was. I wiped my face off with my shirt. “How can you be so sure of that?”

Her response was only a sly smile and a wink. At first I was confused, but as the gears in my semi-intoxicated mind started to turn, I realized her implication.

“Wait, so you’re–?”

Before I could finish my question, she nodded. “Let’s just say there’s a rather personal reason most of the clothes I design are for feminine bodies. That's something I’ve never shared with anyone, so there – you can consider that my collateral if I expose your secret as well.”

I shook my head. “Even if you told everyone in the whole school, I would never dream of doing that to you,” I reassured her, “That’s just cruel. I don’t even think I’d have done that when I was… you know, the way I used to be.”

“So, does that satisfy your curiosity?” she asked. “Because if so, I’d like to get down to brass tacks before I’m completely shit-faced.”

I laughed, then nodded. “Alright, what’s your– our big plan?”

“Well,” she began, “before we discuss any plans, I need to know what happened between you and Twilight at camp.”

Pursing my lips, I grinned sheepishly as my eyes shot off to the side. “Well... Nothing, really.” Awkwardly reaching for my cup, I brought it up to my lips only to realize it was empty. This gross stuff was growing on me. That was terrifying to think about.

“What do you mean nothing, Sunset?” she repeated. I was taken aback by how miffed she sounded. "You two shared a tent! How could nothing have been the result of that?"

Setting my empty cup back down on the coffee table, I sighed. “I planned on it, and I even got close to asking a few times. It's just that every single time I was about to, I'd talk myself out of it. It just never felt like the right time.”

“So you haven't even asked?” she questioned, “This whole time, I thought she must have turned you down! Why didn’t you ask? You had the perfect opportunity!”

“Yeah, I know," I flatly responded. "Thanks for reminding me.”

“Apologies, dear. I don’t mean to rub salt in the wound, but I just can’t figure out why you wouldn’t have asked her. After all, I didn’t rig the tent card drawing only for nothing to–”

She stopped and covered her mouth. My eyes went wide as she grinned sheepishly at me.

“I'm sorry, you did what?” I protested.

She quickly held up her hands. “Now now, darling. Hear me out, okay?” Rarity appealed, “It’s been months since the sleepover at Pinkie Pie’s and you haven’t budged an inch! I just figured if I didn’t do something soon, you’d never go through with it. Besides, you wouldn’t have found out had I not said anything, would you?”

I groaned and shrugged, “I guess, but couldn’t you have run that by me first?”

“That’s the whole point, darling! If I had run that by you, you wouldn’t have even tried.”

“I didn’t try!” I exclaimed.

“But you said it yourself, you planned to, did you not?” A victorious smirk spread across her face.

“Yeah, but–” I began before stopping abruptly. She got me again. “Okay, fine. Point taken,” I conceded.

Rarity continued to hold that smug, shit-eating grin on her face as she took another drink. “Now, I know you’re hurting, and this whole Timber Spruce thing would have set us back had Twilight rejected you. Luckily, she hasn’t! That means we’re right on track.”

She paused for a moment as she looked down at my cup. “Did you want some more?” she asked. I shook my head. If I drank any more on an empty stomach, I was going to regret it.

“Unfortunately, we’re still going to have to play a bit of a long game here,” she explained, “and until then, you cannot come onto Twilight too strongly. You have to be as friendly as can be without hinting at the fact that you like her, or else this won’t work. If you play your cards right, everything will come together at just the right time."

I nodded attentively. She took another drink, placing her empty cup down on the coffee table. How she managed to hammer back two cups of wine without seeming even a little tipsy I could not figure out.

Rarity held up two fingers. “Two words: Fall. Formal.”

Looking down, I tried my best to stop myself from wincing at the sound of those two words. The last Fall Formal was when I nearly turned the school into my hoard of zombie thralls. It was almost a year ago by this point, and everyone at CHS had moved on, but the idea of going still felt kind of… Well, really weird.

Rarity picked up on my apprehension. “Now, I know what you’re thinking darling, but I promise no one’s going to care that you’re there. If anything, it’ll be a relief for everyone to see you there as your completely normal self,” she said with a chuckle. I gave a nervous laugh in reply.

“You’re going to ask Twilight to go with you the day before. No sooner, no later.”

“But what about Timber?” I questioned, “Isn’t she going to want to go with him?”

Rarity shook her head. “Twilight and Timber are not meant to last. I promise you this: when it's time to ask Twilight, he won’t even be a factor in this equation by then.”

I scoffed, “What makes you think it won’t last?”

“Well, they both go to different schools, they both live a fair distance away from each other, and, as I said before darling–” Rarity grabbed her cup and sauntered off to the kitchen as she continued, “–that girl is unbelievably gay. It’s only a matter of time before she not only realizes her relationship isn't working, but why it’s not working.”

The confidence Rarity showed in her assessment of Twilight made me laugh. “I know you already told me why, but I still don’t know how you can be so sure of that.”

“Simple,” she began, “he may be part of what makes her realize how she truly feels, but you will be an even bigger part of that.”

My face flushed at the thought. Or maybe it was the cup of wine catching up to me. Either way, my face burned. Just imagining Twilight coming to terms with her sexuality because of me of all people made me feel all sorts of emotions, some of which had no names I was aware of.

My mind continued to wander. I thought about how she’d come to that conclusion. Her cute, lithe body lying awake in bed one night, tossing and turning as she fantasizes about me. Feeling a burning sensation throughout her nerves while she imagines we're together. Muttering my name as her hands–

“I know the fact that she's with Timber is demoralizing, but you mustn't let it get to you. It is imperative that you continue to be the best friend you can be to her. That said, you must maintain balance. Be honest, but don’t be too honest. Be sincere, but not too sincere.”

Rarity shattered yet another fantasy running through my mind. I was actually kind of grateful this time. I didn’t know if that was really somewhere I wanted my mind to go just yet.

“Are all the bits of advice you give me going to sound like zen riddles from now on?” I joked. She grinned and rolled her eyes, taking her seat on the couch again.

“To be more specific, you need to treat her like you would any other friend,” she elaborated, “I know you want nothing more than to be her girlfriend, but over the coming months – especially in a month or two when her relationship with Timber inevitably falls apart – you need to act like she’s just your friend and that’s all you want to be. That means not making any moves on her, and keeping affection to a comfortable minimum.”

“I don’t understand, though,” I responded, “Won’t that give her the impression I’m not interested in her?”

Rarity shook her head, taking another sip from her cup. “The dynamic between you two has to remain balanced. You’re the cool, collected, gregarious one, and Twilight is the meek, anxious, withdrawn one.”

I raised my eyebrow at her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Me? Cool? Collected? Has she heard how needlessly wordy and dramatic my inner monologues are? Also, I hardly even know what gregarious means.

“You have a certain level of social confidence that she lacks. You know that, and so does she,” she answered.

I sat there, silent and flummoxed. While she wasn’t wrong, I still had not even the slightest clue what she was getting at.

“If it were up to you, you would text her every moment of every day. You’d ask her to hang out after school every day. Every time you didn’t have to work, you’d ask if she wanted to hang out with you. Would you not?”

I shrunk in my seat. Rarity was reading me like a book. Again. I hate how easily she does that. Clamoring for a way to cover for myself, I stammered. “W-Well I don’t know if–”

“But you don’t,” she interrupted, “And why is that?”

“Because I don’t want to overwhelm her, I guess?” I answered uncertainly.

“Exactly. But you know you’re capable of doing so,” she replied, “And so does she.”

“...Okay?” I was still not entirely following her on this. I could see the frustration building in her face. It wasn’t like I was trying to be obtuse! It just wasn’t clicking for me. That, and we were both a little tipsy.

“Twilight is intimidated by you, darling, and with good reason.” she asserted. “ You’re outgoing, you have more social energy than her, and you’re far more confident in your ability to socialize than she is.”

Nodding along as she explained, I still wasn’t entirely getting it, but I felt close to understanding her logic. At least, I thought I was.

“But you show restraint because you know that’s not how Twilight is.” she continued. “You know that she’s shy, introverted, and enjoys peace and quiet. More than that, you acknowledge it – you respect it. That’s why she likes you. That’s why she’s fallen for you – even if she hasn't fully realized it yet.”

As she took another drink, I rested my head on my hand and thought about what she said. The picture was starting to come together. I guess I’d never really thought about it, but what she was saying was starting to make sense.

Twilight was skittish and shy – that much was obvious to anyone who spent more than five minutes around her. Socializing has never been her strong suit. When we made plans for just the two of us, I tried to make sure we’d be doing something easy, relaxing, and/or interesting to her. If there was something high-energy I wanted to do, I would ask her if she wanted to do it and always give her the option not to if it didn't sound like something she could handle. I could always tell how much she appreciated the option to decline guilt-free.

If we were out with friends and things started getting too loud, or it seemed like she was getting overwhelmed, I’d ask her if she wanted to go someplace quiet – an offer she took me up on quite a bit. The times in which she declined, she almost always stuck close to me anyway. Almost like she knew that if she changed her mind, I would be there for her in a heartbeat. And it was true, I would be.

Honestly, I didn’t do that because of my crush. It was just because I wanted to be considerate. Twilight is my best friend, after all, and what is a girlfriend but an extra considerate best friend you get to kiss sometimes? At least that was my understanding of relationships.

“Okay,” I agreed. “So then, what exactly do I do from here?”

“Easy,” she stated, pausing for a moment to hold back a hiccup. “Carry on. Business as usual. Pretend the whole thing with Timber never even happened.”

I gawked at her. “You had me until that last part,” I remarked. “How am I supposed to pretend that never happened when it's still happening?”

“Once again, easy,” Rarity slurred, standing up from her seat on the couch. “I guarantee you that, in a month or two, the cracks in their relationship are going to start to show. When they do, the first person she’s going to go to for help is her Sunny Shimmy.”

“Please don’t ever call me that again." That name gave me a good laugh, but it made me cringe just the same. I was beginning to worry about how much wine she’d had so far.

She ignored my comment and continued to explain while pacing in front of the couch. “When she comes to you, don’t try to sway her in any direction she isn’t already leaning. Let her explain everything, then give your most genuine advice. Listen first, then comfort. Advice only when asked. If you're unsure, ask if she wants advice.”

As she paced and kept lecturing me, I thought about how... Strange Rarity was. Even though she was starting to show just how sauced she was, she was still completely coherent. Everything she was saying made perfect sense after a good amount of explaining. And that wasn’t the alcohol in me talking – I only had a single glass! But here she was, well into her third, and yet kept going as if she’d rehearsed everything days beforehand.

“Okay, what else?” I asked.

She lifted a finger off her cup to point at me as she tipped it up into her mouth. “That’s the whole plan! For now, at least. You don’t need to do anything special until we get closer to the Fall Formal.”

“Alright, so say you’re right – her and Timber end up breaking up after a month or two – how do you know she won’t find another date for the Fall Formal after that?” I questioned.

She laughed as she set her cup down. “It’s a miracle Timber made it this far with her, darling. After their relationship inevitably fails, I doubt there’s a single person – boy, girl, or whatever else – who’s going to woo her enough to get there before you.”

It was hard to ignore the residual sting I still felt from Twilight getting together with Timber, but I felt more hopeful than I had since the night of the sleepover.

Still, I had to take into consideration that Rarity could be completely off base with all of this. She was a little wasted, and there was nothing saying anything she said tonight was even remotely right. But everything she said was dripping with this infectious conviction. I just couldn’t help but be convinced she was right. Was it desperation? Or was she really that sure of herself and everything else? It was impossible to tell, but who was I to question hope?

Regardless of whether or not she was right, it was hard to find flaws in her advice. It’s not like she was telling me to be manipulative or conniving, and she wasn’t trying to get me to sabotage Twilight’s relationship like some others might advise. If anything, she was just telling me to do what I was already going to do – just with a few extra steps. She was telling me not to be discouraged. She was reassuring me that I still had a chance. All I had to do was be patient and not give up hope.

“Thank you, Rarity,” I said as I smiled at her. “I’ll be honest. Before this I was just planning on giving up and moving on. I just hope you’re right about this.”

Rarity smiled back at me. “I knew you were. That’s part of why I was so adamant about this conversation.”

Our eyes met as she took her seat next to me once more. “If this were about anything else, I would tell you how much I admire the fact that you know when to quit. But, I promise you, this is not the end. You two are going to be very happy together. It's what you deserve.”

Throughout most of the night, especially as the alcohol began to set in, her tone remained loud and boisterous. But as she sat down and said that to me, her volume lowered. Her voice softened. Everything she said tonight was genuine, but that sounded more sincere than anything else so far.

But there was something else behind it.

We kept staring into each other’s eyes. Her smile was warm, her cheeks were rosy, but her eyes told a different story. I couldn’t tell if it was because she was just that drunk, or if there was something she wasn’t telling me. The longer I looked, the more I believed it was the latter. However, before I could be sure, she got up again, grabbing my cup and bringing it into the kitchen.

“Now that that’s squared away, how about we just pal around for the rest of the night! Would you like a little more wine or would you rather start hydrating?”

I thought about it for a few seconds. “How about I order us some pizza first? Then I’ll have some more.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely!” she exclaimed, “Can you order mine with calamari?”

Her request didn't register with me until I was already looking up the closest pizza delivery place on my phone. Calamari? Calamari on pizza? Who gets calamari on a pizza? Are there even any places in town that offer calamari as a topping?

“You’re weird!” I shouted from the couch to the kitchen.

“What? It’s good!” she argued from the other room. As I laughed, she did as well. Tonight was a good night, but I had a feeling the fun was just beginning.

Author's Note

Remember how I said I was gonna take a day off? I lied. I'm emotionally attached to this story. Even I, the author, am eager to see where this goes.

Thanks for reading :twilightsmile:

12/14/22 Update: This chapter has received quite a bit of touching up! Huge thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for going over this and providing some much needed corrections!

5 – A Lesson in Restraint

When you’re good at a musical instrument, something a lot of people will suggest is that you should teach others how to play it. It’s a pretty easy logic to follow: if you’re proficient at something, you must be knowledgeable, and as such you should be able to impart that knowledge to others with relative ease. However, as I’ve come to find out, proficiency is not what makes a good teacher.

Not long after Battle of the Bands, I tried to give lessons with little success. Most people ghosted me after the first, and while it might be because they decided guitar just isn’t for them, I can’t help but blame myself. Simply put, I am not a great teacher.

There’s a point you hit when you become so practiced at certain concepts that it becomes difficult to, for lack of a better way to put it, dumb them back down. You forget what it was like when everything was new to you. You retain what you learn, but not how you learned it, or what made everything click.

This is a problem that transcends trying to teach beginners. Rainbow Dash, the other lead guitar player in our band The Rainbooms, has trouble grasping half of what I’m talking about musically. While we’re both self-taught guitarists, I made an effort to study theory while honing my technical skill, while she mostly learned through imitating stuff by ear. There are still plenty of gaps in my understanding of theory, but I have a good understanding of most basic and some intermediate concepts. Rainbow, meanwhile, simply decides what she wants to play and figures out how as best she can.

So, while our technical abilities are comparable, there’s a bit of a gulf of theoretical understanding between us. This has led to multiple instances of me writing a guitar riff, trying to teach her how to play it, and then being unable to clearly explain to her how it’s done. When this happens, she usually gets frustrated and accuses me of intentionally writing something too hard for her to play just so I can outshine her. On more than one occasion, we’ve almost come to blows over this. So now, instead of arguing with the chromatic brick wall, I just groan and retool the riff into something easier. It’s unsatisfying, but it’s either that or hearing her whine about not instantly being good at something.

Trying to get her to study theory on her own is impossible as well. The moment I suggest she try and learn something about music, she adamantly refuses. Her reasoning is always, and I quote, “I’m above that egghead shit.”

Proficiency is not the key to being a good teacher; it’s the ability to communicate an idea to someone regardless of their level of experience. You have to teach your student in a way that helps them understand, not in a way that shows your skill level. You must restrain your expertise and put yourself in the position of someone who doesn't know everything you do. My lack of this restraint is why I’ve struggled to teach almost anyone how to play guitar – or anything in general, for that matter.

But there are exceptions.

“So this C major scale is different from the pentatonic scales you taught me last time because it’s seven notes instead of five. The notes of the scale are called intervals and arranged in the order of C, D, E, F, G, A, and B. And like with the pentatonic scale, whatever note I play first is considered the root note. And that also means this scale shape can be played anywhere on the low E string and all that changes is the root, right?”

“Yes, that’s correct!” I beamed. It never ceases to amaze me how much of a knowledge sponge Twilight can be.

Twilight had been coming over to my apartment every other weekend since before school started again. Not long after performing at the Crystal Ball, she took an interest in music. One day, she texted me asking if I could teach her how to play guitar. Had it been anyone else asking me, I'd have told them to take lessons from someone else or to look up a tutorial on the internet. But I wasn't about to pass up an excuse to spend time with my adorkable beloved.

“So it would stand to reason that this shape could be repeated across the fretboard given the proper numerical fretting adjustments based on the string I start the scale on?” she asked.

Her face was practically glowing as she continued to piece everything together. It was hard to stop myself from smiling as wide as she was. “Yes, but–”

Twilight looked so excited as she interrupted me with her next question. “And since there are six other degrees of the scale, does that mean I could pick something like D and play the notes in the same order as D, E, F, G, A, B, and C? Does that have a name or–”

“Twilight,” I interrupted back, holding up my hand as I smiled at her, “You’re getting ahead of yourself again. First, you should focus on actually playing the scale. Then we can move on to what you’re talking about.”

“R-Right, sorry,” she stammered. Her eyes darted to the side as she blushed a little. Then she pouted as she looked down at the guitar in her lap. She was always most excited for the learning portion of her lessons, but the doing part usually took the wind right out of her sails.

“Don’t worry about it,” I assured her. “I’m thrilled that you’re so enthusiastic to learn, but it’s important to pace yourself. And for what it's worth, what you're talking about has a name, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

It pained me to stop her from flying ahead of herself. When she started making connections and discovering concepts on her own just by piecing bits of information together, it made my heart sing. She was just so unfairly adorable. If I weren’t determined to keep her at a steady pace, I’d just sit there and let her keep going forever. It probably wouldn’t take long for her to piece together every bit of music theory on her own just by teaching her this one scale.

When we started, I tried to start with generic cowboy chords. It didn’t quite seem to grab her, as most of the work in learning those is in finger placements. As cute as her little hands are, they struggled to hold chord shapes and she didn't seem to be having much fun trying to do them.

Since we weren’t making much progress with chords, I decided to pivot to scales instead. Since scales involved numbers, it seemed like something she’d have more fun with. Judging by how quickly she got the hang of them conceptually, it seemed like that was the right call.

I adjusted the guitar strap resting on my shoulder as it was close to pulling my tank top sleeve down. “We’ll go over it a few more times together. Then we can wrap it up for today.”

Placing my index finger on the eighth fret, I strummed once. She did too, producing a C. I looked at her hand as she followed my movements. Middle finger on the tenth, strum, that was a D. Pinky finger on the twelfth, strum. She paused for a moment before placing her ring finger on the twelfth before strumming an E.

“Ah ah!” I pointed at her left hand with my right. “Remember what I said: use your pinky.”

Twilight slumped forward and pouted. “Ugh, why though? My ring finger is stronger!” she whined.

“Because if you don’t get used to it now, you’re going to run into a lot of problems further down the road,” I explained. “It’s much harder to start using your pinky after you’ve played for a while than it is to learn in the beginning, trust me.”

“Fine,” she sighed in resignation.

Then we started again. Index on the eighth, middle on the tenth, pinky on the twelfth. Her hand strained just to press the string down hard enough. She plucked, and a muted note rang out for just a split second. I could see her arm tense up as she tried to press a little harder. There was something so cute about seeing her dainty little hands trembling as she struggled to push down on a guitar string.

When she finally managed to hit the note, I just wanted to grab her hand and kiss it all over. Was that weird? Probably.

“Umm, Sunset?”

Blinking a few times, I brought my focus back to the lesson, moving my index finger down one string. Her pinky finally relaxed, as did the rest of her arm. Her eyes darted between looking at my hand, for reference, and her own as she awkwardly repositioned hers so her fingers were over the next string down.

A sound interrupted us before I could make the next move on the fretboard. Twilight’s phone, which had been sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch, started to buzz. She looked over at it, and then back at me.

“Sorry, that’s probably Timber,” she said in a sheepish tone.

Ignoring the pang of irritation hearing that name caused me, I gestured for her to look at it. “It’s okay if you wanna check. We’ll just start from the top again.”

Smiling awkwardly, she leaned forward to grab it. I could hear her grunt as she reached over the guitar in her lap trying to reach the phone. With just a single noise, Twilight almost made me forget why I felt annoyed. Every noise she made was just that adorable. I wanted to pick her up and squeeze her. I’d bet anything that if I did squeeze her, she’d squeak. Just imagining the sound she’d make made my heart flutter.

As she picked up her phone and read the notification on the screen, I could see her smile dissipate. The glow she’d carried since we began our lesson faded right before my eyes. Immediately, I felt concerned.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“Wha–? Oh,” she responded. It was as if she wasn’t expecting me to notice her sudden mood drop. “Yeah, everything’s fine! It’s just…”

Several seconds passed without a word as she looked away from me. I didn’t want to be pushy, but “just” wasn’t enough for me to work with. Still, I held my tongue until she was ready to speak.

“It’s just a stupid personal thing. I don’t want to dump that on you,” she finally responded, a mirthless chuckle punctuating her deflection.

The way she responded immediately made me think of the sleepover. It was a habit of hers. If something bothered her – no matter how big or small – she’d say it was stupid. It drove me crazy, but I never told her it did. There was a reason she always responded like that, and while I didn’t know what the reason was, I knew it wasn’t her fault. The only thing I could do in moments like these was to reassure her that her feelings weren’t stupid. As many times as it took until she realized it was the truth.

I gave her my best comforting smile. “Twilight, I don’t know how you aren’t sick of hearing me say this, but if it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid.”

She looked at me and gave a half-hearted smile back before her eyes began to wander around the room. Then she propped the guitar I was letting her use up against the vacant couch cushion next to her. I placed my own on the stand next to me. Another few moments of silence passed.

“Timber just texted me,” she finally answered. “We’re supposed to hang out tonight, and he wants me to come over early.”

A fiery anger ignited in me as my heart sank. Once again, he was encroaching on my Twilight time. It had been almost a couple of months since my drunken conversation with Rarity, and I'd done an excellent job restraining my feelings, but it never got any easier. Every single time I heard that guy's name it made me feel every negative emotion all at once.

Before I could get caught up in jealousy, it dawned on me how weird this was. Why would that deflate her mood so quickly and suddenly? Even more concerning was how she tried to deflect the issue when I asked at first. If something in her relationship was bothering her, why would she say it was stupid? Up until now, she was usually pretty happy when she talked about him.

“And I take it you don’t want to?” I asked.

Placing her phone back down on the table, she looked down and shook her head. “Things have been a little weird between us, and it’s mostly my fault,” she explained.

Rarity’s words repeated in my head. I guarantee you in a month or two the cracks in their relationship are going to start to show. And when they do, the first person she’s going to go to for help is her Sunny Shimmy.

I still really hated that she called me that.

My heart was like a box full of fireworks, and her response was like someone dropping a match inside of it. What could she have done to make things weird between them? Was it actually her fault, or had he said and/or done something to her? Were these the cracks Rarity mentioned would be showing? Was any of this truly my business? My brain was buzzing with an angry swarm of ten billion questions, but I had to keep myself grounded.

“How so?” I probed.

“It’s just that–” she began before pausing again. Her eyes darted toward her phone, then back down at the floor again before she looked back up at me. Her expression looked pained.

“Promise me you won’t tell anyone else? Especially the rest of our friends?”

My stomach dropped. That was never a good question. Regardless, I nodded. She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly.

“At first, we were getting along fine,” she began to explain, “He was really nice, and for the most part he still is. But lately, things have gotten a little… difficult for me. He can tell, and he doesn’t like it.”

My brow furrowed at that last remark. I nodded, gesturing for her to continue. She took another deep breath.

“I’m not the touchy type, but he is. And while he hasn’t gone too far or anything, he’s still very insistent. I’ll fidget around while he’s holding me, and he’ll tighten his grip on me. He’ll kiss me, and I’ll try to pull away but he won’t let me go until he’s satisfied.”

Anger is an emotion I’ve been unfortunately intimate with my entire life. When I was a worse individual, small things were enough to send me into explosive tirades. Things that really pissed me off would cause me to have such catastrophic meltdowns that I’d be everyone’s problem until I calmed down. Since I’ve changed, I’ve grappled with anger issues, but I have never felt fury anywhere near as intense as I used to.

At least, until today. Until right now.

I was utterly livid. My entire body felt like it was going to spontaneously combust. I wanted to scream so loud I’d shatter every window in Canterlot City. Every single nerve in my body was shrieking for me to get up, walk down to wherever this guy lives, and–

Deep breath, hold and let it out slowly. In my mind, I had every right to be furious, but now was not the time for that. There was plenty of time for me to be angry at him later. Right now, though, Twilight needed my help. The only way I was going to help her is if I kept my cool.

“Have you tried talking to him about this?” I suggested. “Maybe he just doesn’t realize what he’s doing?”

She nodded. “When I try to talk about it, he gets terse. Then he’ll act cold and distant. He won’t respond to what I say, he’ll stop texting me back as quickly, and when I ask if there’s anything wrong he acts all confused about it. The next time we meet up, he’ll hardly acknowledge me unless I let him do what he wants, then everything goes back to normal.”

My blood pressure rose about ten points upon hearing that.

“When he’s finally willing to talk about it, he tells me I just need to get over myself. I know he’s right. I just wish I knew how to be a better girlfriend,” she concluded.

My blood pressure rose about ten thousand points upon hearing that.

Without thinking, I grabbed onto her hand. I wanted to squeeze it so badly, but I forced myself to be gentle. Her eyes perked up and met mine. I was struggling to keep my expression subdued. The last thing I wanted to do was show how angry I was, but even then I couldn’t help but hold a stern glare. I was overcome with the need to be fiercely protective. I wanted to pull her into me and hold her close and never let him near her again. But right now, it’s not about what I want.

“Twilight, I may be an outsider in this situation, but nothing you just said tells me the problem is with you,” I asserted. “It sounds to me like he wants what he wants, and when he doesn’t get it, he punishes you for it. That’s not fair to you.”

Using her free hand, she took her glasses off and placed them on the coffee table next to her phone. Her eyes were welling up with tears.

“But… we’re dating. That’s what a girlfriend is supposed to do, right?” she quavered. “This is my first relationship a-and I don’t want to mess it up, but I just… I don’t know what to do!”

My grip on her hand tightened. “Just because this is your first relationship doesn’t mean it’s meant to last,” I insisted. “You’ll have plenty of other chances in the future. It’s not the end of the world if you two aren’t meant for one another.”

Alarm bells started ringing in my mind. Suddenly I remembered one of the other things Rarity told me.

Don’t try to sway her in any direction she isn’t already leaning.

While that may be applicable, how could I not? If she wasn't already leaning toward leaving him after all this, she should be. I couldn't just let this go on knowing I could have said something. Knowing I could have done something.

“He always tells me how lucky I am that he likes me, and it’s not like he’s wrong,” her voice trembled. “No one’s ever really wanted to be with me before, a-and I don’t know if anyone else ever will, and–”

Words failed her as she rapidly approached a full-on breakdown. Even as the pace of her breathing increased, she was trying to hide it. She was trying so hard not to cry, not to panic, not to let her pent-up hurt and self-doubt overflow in front of me. Worst of all was the fact that she thought this was all her fault. Like she was the one doing something wrong. There’s not a word in any language that could truly express how livid I felt at this moment. It was getting even harder to set aside how I felt, but I had to.

With nothing left to say, I did the only thing I could think to do. Pulling her in close, I held her as tight as I could. As soon as I wrapped my arms around her, I could feel the dam break. Tears fell from her eyes, rolling off her cheeks and landing on my bare shoulder as she sobbed. I rubbed my hand up and down her back gently as she curled into me. Hearing her like this was enough to make me choke up as well, but I swallowed the lump in my throat and held firm.

With my mouth next to her ear, I spoke as softly as I could. “I promise you haven’t done anything wrong, Twilight. He’s wrong. There’s plenty of people out there who will love you far more than he ever will.”

Twilight’s body slowly relaxed. Her breathing began to slow as I continued to hold her tight, periodically whispering more soft reassurances in her ear. There was so much I wanted to say, but so much I had to hold onto.

I wanted to tell her he doesn't deserve her. That she deserves so much more than he could ever give her. That I loved her more than anything in the entire world – any world. That I would never let anyone make her feel this way ever again.

But it just wasn't the right time.

As her breathing further stabilized, I paid close attention to her body language. I wanted to be sure to let go the moment she wanted to pull away. But even as she stopped crying, even as her breathing normalized, she didn’t budge. She didn’t unwrap her arms around me. To my surprise, it was me who eventually had to pull away from the hug, even though I didn’t want to.

Twilight leaned back, wiping her eyes and looking around the room as she did so. “I-I’m… Really sorry about–”

“No,” I interrupted. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. I’m glad you told me.”

With a half-hearted smile, she nodded. Even with her eyes swollen and bloodshot from all the tears, she was still so beautiful. It melted my heart, simultaneously cooling the burning rage inside of me.

“What do you think I should do?” she asked.

This was it. This was the moment Rarity was telling me about. Be honest, but don’t be too honest. Be sincere, but not too sincere. Act as you would with any of your other friends. Don’t push her in any way she isn’t already leaning. The only problem was that I couldn’t tell which way she was leaning. I grabbed my chin and began to contemplate my answer.

She blamed herself for everything. But at the same time, she said she tried to talk about her problems with Timber. When she did, he’d retaliate by withholding affection. He’d make her feel like she was at fault for how he reacted to not getting his way, and then made her feel like he was her only hope at love. He was a manipulative asshole, and the only reasonable solution would be for her to leave him and move on.

It was a simple solution, but was I saying that from a genuine place, or was this because I wanted to be selfish? Was this truly reasonable, or was I just excited at the prospect of Twilight being back on the market? Could this issue be mediated with enough time and care? Was it even worth the time and effort it would take to patch this relationship up? Would Timber even be willing to work on himself?

There were far too many factors to consider, but I couldn’t just sit here silently forever. As much as I wanted to figure everything out for her, at that moment, Twilight needed at least some kind of answer.

So what would I do if I were in her position? The first thing I could think of made me realize he was lucky he was. Had he been dealing with me, I'd probably toss a brick at his head for treating me like that. It would probably reflect poorly on me to suggest something that violent. She’d either see it as a joke (which it wasn’t) or unhinged (which it was).

Eventually, I could only see one reasonable solution.

“Honestly? You should just ghost him.”

Twilight looked bewildered as she raised an eyebrow. I assumed ghosting was a term she was unacquainted with.

“Don’t respond to any of his texts anymore. Block him on every platform. Cut yourself out of his life without any closure.”

She looked uncomfortable with this idea. “Isn’t that kind of cruel?”

Admittedly, it was, but I still shook my head. “Maybe if he wasn’t acting so selfish, yeah. But he wants to have you any way he wants, and he doesn’t care how you feel about it. Worse than that, he goes out of his way to make you feel bad when he doesn’t get his way. If anything, you’d be doing him a favor. He deserves so much w–”

I stopped as I looked over at Twilight. She looked just as uncomfortable as before. Had I said what I was planning to say next, she’d have been even more uncomfortable.

“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” she responded. “You still won’t tell any of the other girls, right?”

“My lips are sealed,” I confirmed. “Though, I don’t think any of them would react any differently than I did.”

“I know,” she replied, “I just… really don’t want this to be a big thing.”

“It won’t be,” I reassured her. She looked back down at her phone once more.

“Is he coming to pick you up today?”

She shook her head. “No. He wants me to make the drive. He always wants me to drive over there. I think he’s come to my place once since we’ve been together.”

Of course he’d be like that.

“Well, that's good at least,” I stated. “That way, when I take you home today, you don’t have to worry about him showing up.”

Twilight nodded and shifted her eyes back and forth, “I hope so.”

Her words weren’t very reassuring. She looked tense. Was she worried he’d make the trip over some missed text messages? Or was she just being paranoid because she was emotional? Was it my place to even ask those questions?

Was it really my place to suggest what I was about to impulsively let slip out of my mouth?

“But if you’re worried, you can stay the night over here,” I suggested. “If you’d like, that is.”

Her head turned toward me. Our eyes met and, for the first time since this conversation began, a genuine smile slowly spread across her lips.

“I-If you wouldn’t mind taking me to my house to feed Spike and pick up a few things, I’d like that,” she stammered.

“You can bring him with you, if you want,” I suggested. “As long as he’s okay with riding in one of the back saddlebags. There’s no doggy seat on a motorcycle, unfortunately.”

She giggled, “He’s fit into tighter spots before, but I’ll clear it with him first. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“Alright! Let me get myself together and we can do it right now.” I smiled and patted her gently on the shoulder. She smiled even wider at me. Our eyes met again. And before I could get up, she did something that took me by surprise.

In the blink of an eye, she wrapped her arms around my waist and squeezed me tight. Even tighter than when she was upset not too long ago.

“Thank you, Sunny,” she muttered.

At first, I wasn’t sure how to react to her sudden display of affection, but after a few moments, I hugged her back just as tight. Once again, I sat there paying close attention to her body language. I waited for a pull, a loosened grip – anything to indicate that she wanted me to let go.

But it never came. Twilight remained tightly wrapped around me. And I was content to hold her for as long as she wanted me to. It could be a few more seconds, a couple of minutes, the rest of the day, maybe even forever; I would have been fine with it regardless.

I had to stifle a giggle, though. I didn't mind the name "Sunny". I just really hoped she wouldn't ever call me Sunny Shimmy.

Author's Note

This chapter contains back shadowing. I refuse to elaborate on that.

If any of the music theory jargon is incorrect, that's because guitar players have the worst grasp on music theory. Even when they understand some of it. It's just a fact of life. Don't think too hard about it.

I feel like every chapter I add requires an additional tag. Don't worry though, I promise I'm not laying down the tracks in front of the train as it speeds along. Certainly not!

Trust the plan. :ajsmug:

Thanks for reading. :twilightsmile:

1/20/23 EDIT: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for editing this chapter!

6 – Saving You From Myself

Before Princess Twilight came along and used the power of friendship to pulverize me into a crater, I had a lot more issues than just being an angry bully. Part of what made being a bully come so naturally was my impulsiveness. It’s hard to consider the cause and effect of your actions when there’s no time between when you feel the need to do something and when you act upon that need.

At least with bullying, there were underlying reasons for it: popularity, exerting power over others, and because it was funny. Of course, they weren't good reasons, but I could at least look back and understand why I did what I did. But being a jerk wasn’t the only way in which I surrendered to my impulses.

My impetuous nature led me to developing one habit I wished I hadn’t. One night, when Flash Sentry and I were still in a relationship, I was at a party with him and his friends. We were standing outside on someone’s porch when I saw one of his friends pull something out of his pocket and ignite it with a little plastic thing. At the time, I had no idea what it was. For all the similarities between here and Equestria, I could draw no comparison between this and anything in my homeland.

Instead of asking, I watched him for a little while. I saw him inhale while it was in his mouth, take it out, and, after a few moments, exude smoke from both his lips and nostrils. I was absolutely fascinated. It reminded me of the big, greedy dragons that would sleep on mountaintops in Equestria, their black smoke billowing out from their cave and polluting the sky. I needed to try that myself.

I had no idea who that boy was, but I told him to let me have one of those sticks. To my surprise, he gave me one without issue and even let me borrow his lighter. Without thinking any further, I put it in my mouth, lit it up, and inhaled as hard as I could. That was a horrible mistake for two reasons.

The first and most immediate reason was because that was not how you were supposed to use this thing. My lungs felt as though one of those aforementioned dragons had blown its smoke directly onto me and I could do nothing but choke on the cloud that surrounded me. As I fell into a coughing fit, a few of the others standing around started laughing. The moment I regained my composure, I scowled at them and told them to stop giggling before I made them regret it.

The second reason came after I stopped coughing. I realized how calm I felt compared to how I felt normally. It was a feeling unlike anything I’d felt during my time here. The guy who gave me the stick didn’t laugh, at least. He asked if I had ever smoked a cigarette before, to which I replied by lying; saying I had but it’d just been a long time. I don’t think he bought it, but he was nice enough to show me how to do it properly after that.

After lighting it up and taking a hit properly, I realized it felt even better when I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up after inhaling the smoke. From then until a little while after, I was hooked on the stuff.

It wasn’t long after that I found out how hard it was to reliably get a hold of them, but that didn’t stop me. I used to look around for kids at CHS who had them, and when I found anyone who had any on them, I’d demand they give me their pack and threaten to rat them out for selling them to me if they snitched. Eventually, I was informed just how bad for your health this habit I was developing was, and that it becomes much harder to break the longer you do it. After the Fall Formal, I quickly swore off the stuff as part of my effort to reform myself. For a few months after, I was clean.

Then we had a sleepover at Applejack’s. I was restless and couldn't fall asleep, so I got up to stand out on her porch sometime around one in the morning. That’s when I spotted her older brother, Big Mac, sitting on the porch with a cigarette in his mouth. My mind immediately jumped to the memory of how I felt after I first learned to smoke. So I asked him if I could bum one off of him. At first, he was apprehensive, but after I told him I just needed something to help turn my mind off, he conceded.

Since then, we’ve formed an agreement: he’ll buy me a pack if I ask, but with a triple markup from whatever he pays for it. He says it’s to discourage me from asking him to do it too much since he doesn’t like the idea of me smoking, but I’m sure the money he gets from it is his primary motivation. These things are already ridiculously expensive, and I’d struggle to afford them regularly on my prestigious mall sushi chef wage if I could buy them on my own, but it’s hard to argue with his reasoning. He’s taking a huge risk on my behalf, after all.

Nowadays, I’m a lot more in control of my impulses. Barring any extenuating circumstances, a pack of these will usually last me several months, and that’s because I’ve learned to restrict myself. I only let myself have one, and the only time I allow myself to smoke is when it’s past midnight and I can’t sleep.

And that is what has led me to this exact moment in time.

It’s 3:15 AM and I’m sitting underneath a street lamp in my apartment complex’s parking lot, taking a long drag off of my third cigarette. My eyes remain centered on the freeway in the distance, only moving when a pair of headlights catches my attention. The days are still warm, but the approaching autumn season can certainly be felt at night now. Wearing my leather jacket with a set of ratty pajamas underneath, I look as well put together as I feel. I just want my mind to stop, but it’s been racing since earlier today.

Twilight fell asleep on my couch about four or five hours ago, and from there I hadn’t been able to get my eyes to shut longer than fifteen seconds. I tried breathing exercises, meditation, warm milk – anything I could think of to try and get my mind to slow down and sleep, but nothing worked.

I flicked my cigarette, putting it in my mouth as I fished my phone out of my pocket. I’ve done this exact motion every minute for what feels like several hours, but I’ve only been out here for a little over half an hour. The clock read 3:16 AM now. Time feels fake around now.

The truth was I needed an outlet. I’d done a great job keeping a lid on my anger throughout the day, and that was good. Had me and Twilight's initial conversation about Timber been the beginning and end of it, I might not be out here listlessly pulling my phone out of my pocket every minute while I fill my lungs with tar. But of course, that’s not where it ended.

When Twilight didn’t respond, Timber kept texting her incessantly. I told her to block his number, but she didn’t listen. Instead, she said she wanted to try and reasonably break things off. That went on for a little while, and while I couldn’t tell everything that was said between them, I could tell it was really getting to Twilight. I wanted nothing more than to ask what he was saying to her. But as much as curiosity was killing me, I bit my tongue.

Had that been the end of it, I might have been awake for a little while before rest finally found me. But of course, that would be too easy. Afterwards, he started calling her. I told her to ignore it – block his number. But she thought maybe she could talk some sense into him if they talked over the phone instead of texting back and forth. I wanted to grab her phone and throw it across the room and tell her that was a horrible idea, but once again, I held back.

I really wish I hadn’t.

The last time he called, she finally picked up. When she did, she made her way to my bathroom so she could have some privacy. I tried just sitting on the couch and occupying myself, but as their phone call dragged on and on, I couldn’t help myself. Halfway through their confrontation, I got up from the couch and got closer to the bathroom door to listen in. It made me feel extremely guilty, but it was actually killing me sitting back trying to pretend nothing was happening.

For what it's worth, I couldn’t really make out what she was saying. Even when she was upset, Twilight was still quiet. That was the biggest part of what made it so heartbreaking to listen to. All I could hear were her soft murmurs from behind the door, and while I couldn't decipher her words, I could interpret her tone. Things were escalating, but she refused to raise her voice beyond a hushed volume, as if she was afraid I'd hear her. To me, she had every right to shout at this guy for being such a careless, heartless prick to her, and yet she didn’t.

Eventually, she stopped saying anything, and that's when I assumed the confrontation came to an end. Just to be sure, I waited outside the door for a few minutes before making my presence. Two or three agonizing minutes of hearing her sobbing in the bathroom by herself was almost more than I could take. I wanted nothing more than to kick the door open and squeeze her tight, but I didn’t want to make it obvious how I’d been sitting outside the door eavesdropping almost the entire time.

When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I knocked on the door and asked her how she was doing. There were no words from her end, just more quiet crying paired with stifled sobs. When she didn’t respond, I asked a second time. Once again, nothing. Finally, I warned her that I was coming in, and told her to tell me to stop if she didn't want me to.

Twilight didn't say a word.

As I slowly pushed the bathroom door open, I found Twilight sitting on the toilet lid, her face buried in her hands. The moment I saw her, I hurried over to her and hugged her tighter than I had all day. I didn’t ask her what happened, I didn’t ask what he said to her, I just held her. The awkward angle I was leaning at to hold her was starting to break my back, so I coaxed her up and back to the couch.

Then I just kept holding her. There were no words between us for what felt like hours. I wasn’t keeping track of the time. My mind was completely occupied by two things: trying to calm Twilight down, and keeping a lid on the blood-boiling fury seething under my skin. The former was already a challenge, but the latter was near insurmountable.

After she stabilized, she clued me in on how everything went, but she was very sparse on details. I never learned exactly what he said to her, and when I asked to read the text logs between them, she wouldn’t let me. It was aggravating, but I swallowed my frustration and didn't question it. All I was truly aware of now is that it was over between those two. At one point in time, I'd have been elated to hear that, but considering these circumstances, I couldn't feel even a little happy about it.

For the remainder of the night, I did what I could to help take her mind off of it, and comfort her when she couldn't. It didn’t take long after her conversation with him for her to start dozing off, though. Twilight was very conflict-averse, so getting into a fight like that sapped her of all her energy. Before I made her turn in for the night, she couldn’t stay awake for more than a few minutes, but she was adamant about not going to sleep just yet. Once I got her set up on the couch with a pillow and the blanket I usually sleep under on my own bed, it didn't take long for her to finally give in to her exhaustion. Within minutes, she was out cold. It was so cute. Twilight was so cute. It was almost enough to make me forget how livid I was about everything.

As mentioned before, trying to sleep on my own was impossible. What finally pushed me to come outside and smoke was a near lapse in judgment.

You see, when it’s not around my neck, my medallion sits on the window sill next to my bed. At one point in the night as I tossed and turned, I looked over and saw Twilight’s arm sticking out from under the pillow. Then I looked to my opposite side and eyed my geode. Before my brain could recognize what my subconscious was telling me to do, I shook my head, sat up in my bed, and gave up on resting.

Not only was I furious at Timber for breaking Twilight’s heart, not only was I furious that there wasn’t much I could do to help Twilight other than be a good friend, I was furious at myself for almost doing something that would violate my best friend’s privacy and trust. Yeah, I could have done it – I’d have probably gotten away with it, too. But the fact that my brain even began to put that thought together just enraged me.

I took one last inhale of my cigarette before taking it out of my mouth, squashing the butt into the pavement. Then I fished both my phone and the pack of cigarettes out of my pocket again. It was 3:32 AM, and I was still no less tense than when I came out here almost an hour ago.

As I looked at the clock, I thought about calling Rarity. Since I came out here, I’d been debating whether or not to call her and talk to her about everything. She was aware of most of what had happened, but just through us texting. I didn’t want Twilight to get the wrong idea from me calling her in the middle of me trying to comfort her, or for her to hear me spill all her relationship troubles to Rarity after saying I wouldn't. Maybe I should have called her. Maybe she would know what to say to put me at ease. Ever since our night together, I’d been leaning on her for advice and consolation whenever I needed it. I felt a little guilty, but she never seemed to mind. In fact, she always seemed just as happy to give help as I was to receive it.

In the end, I decided against bothering her at this hour. I pulled another cigarette from the pack, rested the filter on my lips and lit it. Then I stuffed everything back into my pockets. I took the longest drag my lungs would let me.

“I thought you quit?”

The sudden, startling voice caused me to inhale much more than I wanted to. I broke into a coughing fit not unlike the one I had the first time I ever smoked. Once I could breathe again, I registered just whose voice that was. It was Twilight.

“I have,” I replied, my voice strained from choking on smoke. "For the most part, at least.”

Standing up from the ground, I turned and faced her. Her eyes gave me the impression she must not have been awake for very long. She was dressed in only her pajamas, her arms crossed with her hands under her armpits.

“What are you doing up?” I asked.

“Actually, I came out here to ask you that.” There was a tremble in her voice from the cold air.

“I…” Quickly, I realized I didn't have an answer for her. What could I really say? Trying to think of an excuse was proving impossible. After a brief bout of mental floundering, I took a page from her book.

“I’m a bit stressed over something kinda silly, but I’ll be alright," I answered.

Twilight pouted. “If I’m not allowed to use that excuse, you’re not either,” she contested. “If it’s bothering you enough to be up this late, it can’t be that silly.”

Foiled by my own words. Well, it was worth a try. That in mind, I still wasn’t willing to budge.

Taking another drag from my cigarette, I disguised a sigh by exhaling smoke. “You really shouldn’t worry about it. You’ve been through enough today. Plus, it’s too cold for you to be out here dressed like that. I’ll meet you back inside in a little bit, okay?"

I was sure that would work, but Twilight refused to budge either. Her expression only grew more concerned as she shook off her grogginess.

“Just because I’m having a rough time with something doesn’t mean I can’t be there for you, Sunset.” She took a step closer to me. "That wouldn't be fair to you."

There was a pit of anxiety growing in my stomach. Twilight didn’t usually push this much when I declined her emotional support. Still, if there were ever a time for me to hold everything together, it was right now. I couldn’t break in front of her. She needed my support more than I needed hers.

“Look, Twilight, I understand you want to help and I appreciate it, but it's nothing I can't handle–”

“No,” she interrupted. "If you could handle it, would you be out here in the cold smoking at three in the morning? I know there's something bothering you, and I'm not going to leave until you tell me.”

I almost dropped the cigarette between my fingers. My eyes were wide and my jaw hung open. This was something I’d never seen from Twilight. She was never this assertive with anyone, least of all me. Perhaps I should have given in and start explaining, but I just felt cornered.

I took another puff. “Twilight, I’ll tell you more in the morning or something, but right now is not–”

“Sunset, please,” she begged. Her voice was trembling even more now, and I couldn’t tell if it was just because of the cold or because of something more.

For a few seconds, we just stared at each other. Our eyes locked. Both of us standing under this dim streetlight in this dingy parking lot. She wasn’t going to let this go. I wasn’t going to give it up. For the first time since we'd become friends, we were at an impasse.

Even with how cold it was, sweat began to bead on my brow. I wracked my brain trying to think of what to do. Should I really just be honest? Come clean about everything? Should I just tell her that I’m absolutely furious because I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of some random asshole making the love of my life break down? That I’m a bubbling mass of negativity on the verge of a supercritical meltdown?

I was afraid. The last time I showed anger in front of Twilight was technically the first time we ever met. That moment at the Friendship Games, when I yelled at her and berated her so much she broke down. What if I made her break down again? Would I be any better than that prick, Timber? Imagine having both your ex-boyfriend and best friend making you break down on the same night. I could barely even stomach the thought.

But she still wasn’t budging. Twilight was determined to get an answer. Even if it meant she had to stand out here shivering in the cold until the sun rose and welcomed the morning proper. I had to make a decision.

There were no winning moves left. She wasn't giving me a choice, and I couldn’t keep pushing this down much longer. If she wanted honesty, I’d give her honesty. And whatever may come after, so be it.

I took one last drag of my cigarette before dropping it on the ground and crushing the butt under my slipper.

“Fine,” I said, taking off my jacket, “but if you’re going to stand out here, you’re going to wear this.”

It wasn't like I was any more dressed than she was underneath the jacket, but if I was going to make her uncomfortable by exposing her to my volatile emotions, I might as well make sure she’s physically comfortable. I handed her the jacket, and she slipped it on. It was definitely too big for her, but it was kind of adorable seeing her wrap herself in the floppy sleeves of my jacket.

“Look, I’m just… really, really angry,” I stated simply. Then I paused for a moment to consider my next words.

“Why?” she asked.

“A lot of reasons,” I responded. Taking a deep breath, I averted my gaze. I couldn’t stand to look into her eyes with how I was feeling.

“It’s because I’m selfish,” I continued, “You’ve been dealing with Timber all day, and all I’ve been able to do is think about how it makes me feel. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since you told me everything earlier today.”

“How does it make you feel?” she questioned, taking a step closer to me.

“Furious!” I shouted at a volume higher than intended. “When you told me how he was treating you, I was so mad. I wanted to scream. I was ready to explode, and it took absolutely every fiber of my being not to get up from where I was sitting, ride my motorcycle to his house and–”

I paused and looked over at Twilight. From her expression, I could tell I was already going too far. I took another deep breath, attempting to reel my rage back in.

“I wish I had known what he was doing earlier, Twilight,” I fumed, tears threatening to spill from my eyes. “If I knew, I would have never let that happen to you. I would have stepped in and done something about it.”

“But you couldn’t have,” she responded. “Because I was too afraid to tell you. Or anyone.”

“And that's not your fault!” I snapped. “The fact that he made you think it was your fault is part of the problem. It just makes me so… just… Ugh!”

The air was still after my outburst. I turned away from her again and took in yet another deep breath before continuing.

“When he started texting you, I wanted to take your phone away and stop you. I was so close to doing it when I saw how upset it was making you. I don’t know how I stopped myself from taking it when you said you were going to answer his call.”

I was getting into dangerous territory with my admissions. As all my emotions continued to bubble over, I found it impossible to stop myself. She may not trust me after I told her everything, but I had tried my best to warn her.

“I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I sat outside the bathroom for most of your phone conversation. I promise you, I couldn’t understand a single word you or he said, but I could hear you, and it just… it hurt me. It made me hurt for you. It enraged me!”

I glanced over at her briefly. I was expecting to see any variety of negative looks. Fear, anger, disgust, something to that effect. But she just kept looking at me with concern.

“And what kind of friend am I? What kind of friend shifts the focus of her friend’s problems to how she feels instead? How can I whine about how it hurt me when I'm not the one who got hurt?”

Tears began streaming down my face. “It was so frustrating not to be able to hear how it all went down, and it was even more frustrating that you wouldn’t let me read the texts. And don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to if you don’t want me to – but my mind just won’t let it go, and I don't know how to make it stop.”

“Sunset, I–”

“Do you want to know why I’m out here?” I continued. “It’s because I almost used my geode on you! I almost violated your trust, your privacy, all because of how all that made me feel. Because I can’t control my anger!”

Twilight took another step closer. “Sunset, please–”

I interrupted her again, continuing my tirade. “What kind of friend am I, Twilight? You go through everything you did today, and all I can think about is myself! I’m losing my shit in front of you at four in the morning all because I can’t–”

“Sunset!”

Suddenly, it felt as though time stopped. It hadn’t occurred to me how close Twilight had gotten. During this whole rant, I thought she’d be cowering, recoiling, or backing away from me. That’s why I couldn’t stand to look at her while I went on. Yet here she was, standing firm, less than an arm’s length away. I could see the tears in her eyes shimmer from the dull light of the lamp above us.

As the deafening silence continued, my stomach dropped. I felt like I’d just made the biggest mistake of my entire life as I saw the look on her face. I should have never opened myself up like this. I should have never exposed this side of myself to her. Things were never going to be the same between us and it was all my fault. All I could do was stand there and wait for her to bring the hammer down on me. I just hoped she'd be quick about it.

“You haven’t done anything wrong,” she said.

Her words left me stunned. What did she mean? Was she not listening? I just gave her a list of things I had done wrong.

“I understand why you feel that way,” she comforted, “but you haven't. You’ve been such an amazing friend to me. Not just today, but as long as we’ve known each other.”

I felt shaken to my core. “B-But I just–”

“I know you care a lot about me, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to express how much that means to me” she continued. “But nothing you just told me makes you seem like a bad friend. If anything, it just shows how much you care.”

I stood there, frozen and trembling. It was all I could do. Every bit of rage I felt within me previously was gone and replaced with an undefinable emotion.

“You spent the entire day on me. From the moment you picked me up until I fell asleep, all you did was spend time with and take care of me. Even when I set boundaries that were difficult for you, you respected them without question.”

“But I almost didn’t,” I quavered.

“You’re right. Almost. But you did. And even then, you only wanted to do that because you care about me. But you resisted the temptation to do something you knew you could have done. All because you respected my feelings more than you wanted to know what I wouldn't let you.”

My mind was racing to cobble together a response, but every word I thought of overlapped with the one before and after it. She was right, but it didn’t feel like she was right. Regardless of what she said, I still felt like I’d done something wrong.

Tears flowed from my eyes and down my cheeks again. And as they did, she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight, her lips close to my ear.

“I can’t begin to tell you how much you mean to me. I've never known someone who loves and understands me the way you do, and I can’t express how grateful I am that we know each other. Please, don't be so harsh on yourself, especially when the worst thing you've done is show how much you care.”

It was taking everything inside of me not to break down sobbing. If I was going to lose my shit in front of her like this, I was going to do it respectably.

But then, she hugged me tighter, and said something that finally broke the dam.

“I love you, Sunny.”

My face scrunched up as all the pent-up emotions I’d kept to myself throughout the day flowed out of my eyes all at once. My body almost fell out from underneath me as I sobbed. There were still no words I could think of, but even if I could, I doubt I was composed enough to say them.

Twilight continued to hold me tight as I tried and failed to pull myself together. It was hard not to feel like this arrangement was wrong. I was supposed to be the one she cried into, not the other way around.

But I didn’t question it. It didn't matter who was crying into who, I never wanted her to let go. It didn’t matter that it was four in the morning, I wanted to be awake with her. I didn't care that we were both standing out in the middle of a drab parking lot under the dull light of a streetlamp, I was right where I wanted to be. I was in Twilight's arms, she was in mine.

And she loved me.

Author's Note

We're getting dangerously close to everything coming to a head. It won't be long now!

Thanks for reading. :twilightsmile:

1/20/23 EDIT: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for editing this chapter!

7 – The Past, Present, and the Future, Too

There are a few reasons I chose to drive a motorcycle over a car. In a weird way, it reminds me of what it was like to be a pony. Human bodies with their flexible limbs and opposable thumbs are nice and all, but running with two legs is so much slower compared to what I grew up with, and cars feel so claustrophobic.

Sure, I could never run this fast when I was a pony, but it at least provided a somewhat similar experience. I could be out in the open, experiencing the thrill of the wind rushing through my hair. While it was undoubtedly more dangerous than a traditional car, being in a car felt so boring and restrictive. Why would anyone choose such a dull mode of transportation when something so satisfying exists?

Today, however, I was taking it slow, for a couple reasons. First off, I was taking Twilight back to her house, and she is not a big fan of the motorbike at all, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around my waist. And while I was trying to keep a cap on my pace primarily for her comfort, the second reason I was going slow is just as important: I just really don’t want her to stop holding onto me. She may crush my diaphragm from point A to point B, but I can never get enough of feeling her embrace.

It doesn’t really matter what speed I’m going either. It always seems like she’s trying to squeeze the life out of me. It’s like I get to take her to a horror movie every time we go anywhere, and she spends the whole movie cowering into me and squeezing my hand. She relies on me to keep her safe, and in exchange I get to feel her hug me for the entire duration of the trip.

Unfortunately, just as a movie has to reach the end of its falling action, a ride has an eventual destination. And even though I’d done what I could to make our ride last as long as possible, we finally reached the end. As we pulled into the driveway of Twilight’s house, I felt her hands unlatch from around my waist. While my diaphragm was happy to fill my lungs with air uninhibited, the rest of me felt a little emptier as a result.

I threw down the kickstand with my foot as Twilight stepped off the backseat of the motorcycle. She took her helmet off, her purple hair flowing down the shoulders of her sweater. I noticed how much her hair had flattened under the helmet as she placed it in one of the back saddlebags. It was so cute. Everything about her was so cute. No, I will never stop mentioning how cute she is.

“Thanks again for the lesson, Sunset,” she said with a smile.

“As always, not a problem,” I responded as I took my own helmet off, “Is it still okay if I come in and snap a pic of your trigonometry notes, by the way?”

Her eyes perked up. “Oh yeah! Just follow me to my room.”

I left my helmet on the seat of my motorcycle as I followed Twilight up the steps to her house. As we walked up to her porch, I was reminded of how well off Twilight was. Both her parents made a lot of money, and as such she lived in a house that bordered on the size of a mansion. It was always surreal to be reminded of this fact. A lot of the rich kids at CHS wouldn’t let you forget they were rich. If it weren’t for the fact that Twilight was a Crystal Prep transfer, no one would be able to tell how affluent her family was, given her modesty.

I followed her close behind as we made our way through the foyer to the hall and upstairs to her room. The further we got down the hall, the faster she started to walk. At first, I thought I was just going slow, but eventually she turned the corner into her room while I was still only halfway down the hall. She seemed like she was in a hurry for some reason, but I paid it no mind.

I kept my pace and eventually made my way to her room. As I turned the corner of the doorway, I saw her flipping through the pages of a binder. It sat in the center of her desk next to a stack of other ones. Each one of them was a different color, and each with their respective subjects written neatly on the front in permanent marker.

My eyes wandered around her room. It was a rare occasion I got to see it, so every time I was here I found myself looking all around. It was so neat and tidy. Everything had its place, and everything was always in said place. It made me a little self-conscious about the state of my own living space. I don’t think it had ever looked this well put together even after I’d just moved in.

As my eyes continued to explore, I noticed something that caught my attention. The top of her dresser was almost as big as her desk, and in front of it was a big vanity mirror. On top of the dresser was a stack of what almost looked like cards. They were face down, and while most of them looked to be about the same size, some of the ones on top looked smaller than the rest. Were those photos?

It might seem like an insignificant thing to give much thought, but Twilight’s room was so strictly organized. All except for this tiny stack of papers. They stuck out like a sore thumb. If they were flashcards, they’d be in a little drawer labeled with their respective subject. For some strange reason, I desperately wanted to know what they were, but I didn’t want to be intrusive. I was only going to be here for a few more minutes.

Before I could give it any more thought, Twilight finally spoke up again.

“Here we are! These three pages should be everything you missed a few days ago. While you get a picture of each of them, I’m going to go check on Spike and run to the restroom.”

“Sounds good!” I responded, “I’ll probably clear out of here after I get the pictures, so if I disappear that’s why.”

Twilight smiled at me. “Alright. Thanks again, by the way.”

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, you know,” I replied, “But as always, you’re welcome.”

I smiled back at her. Then she walked up to me and briefly hugged me. She had started doing that a bit more after that conversation in the parking lot a few weeks ago. It still caught me off guard sometimes, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. After she pulled away, she hurriedly exited her room.

“The notes are on the front and back!” she yelled as she swiftly made her way down the hall.

And here I was. Alone in her room for the very first time. As I pulled out my phone and started snapping pictures of her notes, I started to think about that stack on her dresser again. I knew it probably wasn’t right for me to look at them, but I couldn’t help but wonder if they really were photos. If they were, why were they sitting stacked up in front of a mirror face down?

As I took the last picture of her notes, my curiosity continued to build. Twilight hadn’t come back yet, and since the door to her room was still open I would hear her footsteps before she came back. Would it really hurt to take a peek? If they were something that private, Twilight would have hidden them. She wasn’t the kind of person to leave something sensitive sitting out in the open, right?

Right?

I pulled the rings of her binder open, placing her notes back in gently before shutting the rings and closing the binder back up. Then I took a few steps over toward the dresser. They were photos. With that revelation, I could resist my curiosity no longer.

With the stack in my hand, I flipped them all over to the other side. From a cursory glance at the side, I counted maybe ten or twelve photos in total. And from the first picture, I gathered these weren’t really anything worth hiding.

The first one was from her first sleepover with us. I could tell because it was in Pinkie’s room, and she was sitting in the back looking like an adorable ball of anxiety. The next was from the one we had at Rarity’s a few months later. Then a couple photos from Camp Everfree. Nothing too out of the ordinary.

That begged the question: why were these photos just sitting out like this? Face down, unframed, on the corner of her dresser in a messy stack unlike anything else in the room? It was so insignificant, but something that small in a room so meticulously organized was impossible for me to ignore. It just seemed so out of character. I would think these would be framed, or at least in some kind of photo album.

Then I looked at the mirror. It was attached to the dresser with a wooden backing, and had a wooden frame bordering all sides of it except for the bottom. I had an idea. I took the picture at the front of the stack and tried to wedge it between the mirror and the frame that surrounded it. The photo fit snugly into the gap, and when I let go, it stayed in place. I grabbed the photo again and placed it in the back of the stack.

I gazed out her bedroom window at the clouds covering the receding sun as I began to think. Maybe that’s why they were all out and loose like this? Perhaps Twilight hadn’t had time to set them up yet and had just left them there for a little while? That still didn’t seem like something she’d do. If she didn’t have time to put them up, she’d have found a place to put them in the meantime.

Then I remembered when we got here. We walked through her house at the same pace, for the most part. But the second we got to the top of the stairs, she began to power-walk ahead of me. I shrugged it off, thinking it was nothing. What if she blazed ahead of me to take these down from their spot on the mirror? It would explain how out of place they were, but they were just pictures of us and our friends. Why would she take them down before I could see them?

Then I looked back down at the next photo in the stack. It was a picture of just me and her. As my eyes scanned the picture I remembered the day this picture was taken.

We spent an entire evening at the mall food court. There wasn’t any special event that day, either. All I remembered about that day was that she showed up after my shift ended, and we sat in the food court and talked until the mall closed. At the end, she insisted on taking a photo together even though I was still in my goofy looking work uniform. Of course, I could never say no to her, so I obliged.

Then I flipped to the next picture. Once again, it was just me and her. We were at one of Pinkie’s parties. I couldn’t remember the reason for the party, but I did remember that Twilight followed me around like a shadow that night. That wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary for her, but this was one of the first times I could remember her doing this at a social gathering.

As I kept flipping through the remaining photos, I slowly came to realize that every single one beyond the first several were just pictures of us. A picture of us from her birthday a few months ago. The photo we took when I gave her her first guitar lesson. The picture I took after I gave her a ride on my motorcycle for the first time and she looked all frazzled.

In total there were fourteen photos, and ten of them were pictures of us together. Assuming my mental math wasn’t compromised by how flummoxed I felt, that meant 71% of these photos were just me and her. We might be best friends, but I would have expected only a few to be just us – not the majority of them!

My face flushed, and as it did my mind began to race. Why would she have so many pictures of us specifically? Was she really that attached to me as her best friend? Or did it mean something more? Was I jumping to conclusions? Or was this conclusive evidence that she had feelings for me too?

“Oh, you’re still here?” I heard from behind.

Shit.

I quickly placed the photos back down in as close to the same spot they were in when I picked them up. Then I leaned forward in the mirror and pretended to look closely at my face.

“Y-Yeah! Sorry! I was, uhh, looking at my face. I thought I saw a zit forming but I think I’m clear!” I stammered.

When I turned toward Twilight, I noticed she looked a little nervous, her eyebrow raised. A few seconds went by with no response. Then she let out a giggle. It sounded a little forced.

“Your face looks fine, I promise,” she reassured me.

If it wouldn’t have raised suspicion, I’d have let out the biggest sigh of relief. Instead, I started heading toward the door.

“Thanks again for the notes, Twilight. I’ll see you in class tomorrow!” I said as I tried to make a quick escape.

“Hold it!” she called.

Shit.

"One more thing."

I turned around to face her, but instead of saying anything, she just hugged me again. I wanted to melt, not just because I got to hug her again, but from the extra helping of relief I felt.

“See you then,” she said.

After a few seconds, she pulled away. I waved and began to make my exit again. I left her alone in her room as I made my way through her hall to the steps. My legs felt like jello as I walked down the stairs and navigated out her front door. My heart was palpitating as I walked to the driveway.

I picked my helmet up off the seat of my motorcycle, taking its spot and turning the ignition. Once it started, I used my boot to kick the stand back up, walking my bike back out of her driveway. Once I was oriented the right way, I revved the engine and began my journey back to my apartment.

As I finally made my way out of the messy web of urban sprawl that was Twilight’s wealthy neighborhood, I began to speed up. I was grateful for the speed limit increase as I turned onto the highway. That meant I could make the engine of my motorcycle scream as I made my way back home.

“Shit! Shit!! Shit shit shit!!” I exclaimed.

Normally, I didn’t like how noisy my bike could be, but right now it was helpful having something so loud to drown out my own clamorous voice. I was also immensely grateful for my helmet, which obscured my face as I continued to shout obscenities into the void. If it weren’t for those two things, I would look insane to anyone I passed right now. There were far too many questions and feelings bubbling over in me, and I needed to externalize them.

Riding a motorcycle on the highway required quite a bit more mental overhead than anywhere else. Everywhere you turn, there’s a careless driver that thinks that because their several-ton metal death trap is bigger and heavier than yours, they should own the road. Normally, this isn’t an issue for me, but with my mind racing faster than my bike could ever hope to, I had to focus on the road twice as hard.

A few miles and many unheard swear words later, I finally pulled into my apartment complex’s parking lot. As I put up the kickstand and hopped off the bike, all I could think about is how badly I needed to tell Rarity. I locked my helmet inside one of the saddlebags and jogged my way up the stairs to my apartment, fishing my keys from my jacket pocket as I did.

When I slid the key into my door’s lock, I realized it wasn’t actually locked. That felt really strange considering I always made sure to lock the door on the way out. Before leaving, I would even try to open the door after locking it just to be absolutely sure. Maybe I was just distracted because I was with Twilight.

At least, that’s what I thought before I walked through the door. The air smelled vaguely different from the “home” smell I was so used to. The scent was fragrant, almost flowery. That’s when I spotted the coat on the hook next to the door, and the purse on the ground below it. So that's why the door was unlocked.

“You know, just because you know where the spare key is doesn’t mean you live here,” I playfully scolded, "I'm gonna start charging rent if you keep barging in here!"

“As if I would ever!” I heard from inside the kitchen, “If I did, these dishes wouldn’t have been sitting in the sink for as long as they have!”

Rarity and I had planned to hang out after Twilight’s guitar lesson today. The way this arrangement was supposed to work was that I’d message her after I got back, but I guess she must have grown impatient and decided to come over anyway.

As I walked into the kitchen, I felt bad for giving her an attitude even though I was teasing. I could see she’d just finished washing all the dishes I’d let pile up.

“You didn’t have to do that, but I appreciate it,” I remarked.

Rarity smiled as she dried her hands with a towel. “That’s just what a good friend does.”

“I hope that doesn’t mean you’ll be expecting me to do your dishes anytime soon,” I chuckled before pushing myself up to sit on the counter.

“Lucky for you, darling, I have a dishwasher,” she playfully responded, “Now–”

“Hold on,” I interrupted. She glared at me, and I gave her a sheepish grin back. “It’s relevant, I promise.”

Rarity leaned back against the counter and motioned for me to continue.

“So when I dropped Twilight off, I went into her house to get a picture of her trigonometry notes from the day I missed last week. Before we got to her room, she bolted in front of me to get there before I did. At first, I didn’t really think much of it, but I noticed something out of place when I got there.”

Rarity continued her silence, but her interest looked piqued as I continued.

“You know how Twilight organizes everything in the most obsessively meticulous way? Well, there were these photos sitting in a stack face down on her dresser. I didn’t know they were photos when I first saw them, but they looked out of place regardless.”

Rarity nodded, looking a tad confused, but remained silent nonetheless.

“At one point, she left me alone in her room to go do a couple things while I copied her notes. When I finished taking the pictures of her notes, I picked up the stack of photos.”

“Ohh, I’m surprised you’d take such a risk,” she joked. I glared at her, to which she replied with a smug grin. I rolled my eyes and continued.

“The first few photos were pictures of all of us together. Sleepovers, summer camp – that kind of stuff. But then I got to the rest of the photos, and do you want to know what every single one of them was?” I asked.

“They were all pictures of you and her specifically, and the reason she ran in front of you before you could make it to her room was so she could pull the pictures out of the mirror’s frame so you wouldn’t see just how many pictures of the two of you she had,” Rarity answered.

I stood there with my mouth agape for a moment, then I furrowed my brow. “Okay, congrats. You win. Way to ruin my story,” I griped.

She giggled, “I’m sorry, dear. It’s just the moment you said ‘stack of photos’ I could immediately tell where that was going.”

I sighed in defeat, electing to move on. “So anyway, I think she might really like me! But I’m also afraid I’m overthinking it and seeing things that aren’t there.”

“Of course you are,” she replied with yet another smug grin.

I gave her a dirty look. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She laughed for a few seconds before explaining. “Sunset, she could have doctored photos so it looked like you two were getting married and you’d have said the exact same thing! How many times must I tell you she’s absolutely enamored with you before it gets through those thick, fiery locks of yours?”

I felt a little embarrassed, but Rarity was right. At least, I was more sure she was right than I had ever been up to this point. Why else would she keep so many mundane photos of just us together? It seemed silly in retrospect to think I was “just seeing things”, but I couldn’t help being abundantly cautious. My personal history had given me enough reasons to be apprehensive about things going my way.

“I must ask: why do you doubt so much that she likes you?” asked Rarity “If I tried to write you a list of every single thing she’s done to show you she’s in love with you, the pen would run out of ink!”

I rested my elbow on my knee so that I could place my chin in my hand. That was a question I knew the answer to, but it was hard to put it into words. After a bit of contemplation, I came up with something.

“I guess I’m just used to most things not working out in my favor.” That was the most simple way I could put it.

“What do you mean?” Rarity pressed.

I sighed as I began to elaborate further. “I’ve just had a lot of experiences where everything looks like it’s going to work out, only for it to blow up in my face. So I set my expectations really low. It makes it not sting so bad when things don’t pan out.”

Rarity’s eyes wandered around the room for a few seconds. After she paused, she responded with another question.

“Does it really?”

“Yeah,” I shrugged, “I’m pretty sure it does.”

She shook her head at my answer. “I think there’s more to it than that.”

I gave her a confused look. “How do you know?”

“Have we not established how good I am at reading you, Sunset?” she answered.

“We have, sure,” I surrendered, “But I can’t help but feel like you might be looking a little too deep into this.”

Once again, she shook her head. Then she gave me a comforting smile.

“I may not know how things have blown up in your face, as you say, but I do know the kind of person you used to be. And I put heavy emphasis on ‘used to be’, darling.”

I knew she was trying to soften the blow with that last part, but I still felt somewhat dejected at that comment. I looked away, but she continued her explanation.

“I imagine that before you changed, you would use any means necessary to get what you want. If it meant being mean, you’d be vicious. If it meant being dishonest, you’d be as deceitful as could be. If it meant you had to be violent, you’d chuck a brick at their–”

“Okay! I get it!” I snapped. When people talk about my past I try not to get upset. I know that it’s just a consequence of my own actions, but I have a limit, and Rarity was beginning to push it.

She recoiled, but gave me a sympathetic look. “I don’t mean to belabor the point, darling. What I’m trying to convey is that when you want something, the methods which you employ to acquire it are often the most important factor to your success.”

She paused. I looked her in the eyes again as she continued to elaborate.

“If you were who you used to be, you may have reason to worry. If you were up to your old tricks, manipulating people in a bid to get what you want, you’d have reason to prepare for the worst possible outcome.”

Then she paused. I felt frozen in place as she kept reading me.

“But you’ve changed, Sunset. And while you’re aware of that, you haven’t fully internalized it. When you look in the mirror, you see a split image of yourself blurred together. You see the Sunset you are, and the Sunset you used to be. And the former is constantly looking over her shoulder, afraid of experiencing the consequences the latter would often bring upon her.”

I tried to look away again, but she raised her hand and delicately pushed my face back towards her own. Our eyes met once more.

“But you can’t see what I see.”

Rarity took another brief pause as she gave me another comforting smile.

“I see a completely different person from the one I met some years ago. I see a girl who’s far too compassionate and caring for her own good. Someone whose sympathy and concern for others far surpasses what she gives to herself, and what she allows from others as well,” she asserted.

“I don’t allow it because I don’t need it,” I argued.

“Is that why? Or do you only say that because you feel it’s a suitable punishment for yourself? Is it because you feel it’s what you deserve for the person you used to be?” she contended.

“I–” I stammered, but I could form no words beyond that.

“You’ve allowed me to help you despite not believing you ever needed it in the first place. You’ve let Twilight support you when you feel at your lowest, even though you were upset at yourself. That's because it's what you deserve, and you should allow yourself to feel hope. You don’t have to navigate life constantly expecting the worst because of how things used to be. That’s no way to live. You deserve to feel hope.”

I really didn’t know what to say. Or even what to think. I just kept staring at her.

“You’re doing everything right, Sunset,” she assured, “And if for whatever reason we come to find Twilight doesn’t share your feelings, the results won’t be catastrophic. You won’t react with anger or malice like you used to feel the need to. There’s no need to doubt her or yourself. You’ll pick yourself up and move on. And the two of you will still be the best of friends.”

That brought to mind something I’d honestly not thought much about until that point. The act of asking her out was my primary focus for so long because the thought of it made me so nervous. It began to dawn on me how little I’d thought about the consequences of asking her out. What would happen to our relationship? What would happen to both of us?

How would I react if after all this she said no? What if it pushed me back into my old ways? What if I retaliated by being cold and uncaring once I realized my love wasn’t mutual? If I answered any of that, how could I truly trust my answer?

How would she react? What if she pushed me away because she didn’t feel the same? What if she enforced stricter boundaries between us because the way I felt about her made her uncomfortable? What if we drifted apart as a result of all that?

But the longer I dwelled on those thoughts, the more unreasonable I felt they were.

Twilight meant everything to me, and while I had no idea how she felt about me romantically, I knew she loved me in her own way. Her and I shared a bond that was unlike any other, and she’d expressed the same sentiment to me before. Both of us started as outcasts, and while the reasons for that were different, we both knew what it was like to be alone for so long. We both know what it was like to always hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Twilight loved me. She said it herself. No matter what happened, we’d still be in each other’s lives at the end of it all. And the fear of rejection was no match for the comfort I could take in that. Besides, how could a rejection from someone who has that many photos of just the two of us go poorly?

“You’re right, Rarity,” I muttered, “Thank you.”

“Of course I’m right,” she prodded with a smirk, “I’ve never been wrong before!”

I looked at her incredulously, and she just laughed in response.

“Now, the Fall Formal is in exactly one week,” she began, “So it’s finally time for us to discuss our plan.”

“One week?!” I cried out. Was there really only one week left?!

“Yes, one week! And you’ll be happy to know the plan is relatively simple.”

I winced. When Rarity says “relatively simple”, it often has a different meaning than what it means coming from anyone else. Still, I nodded my head. Her advice hadn’t failed me yet.

“This Wednesday after school, you’re going to ask her if you two can study together on Thursday. You’ll feel naturally inclined to suggest you do it after school at your place, but it is imperative you insist it be at her house.”

“Why?” I asked.

“So she feels comfortable. Your chances will be far greater if she’s in an environment where she feels in control. If you take her to your apartment and ask her, she may feel trapped. I don’t doubt she’ll say yes, but you don’t want the question ‘if I say no, will I be given a ride home?’ to run through her head regardless,” Rarity answered.

“I think you might be overthinking this,” I remarked.

“I know I didn’t just hear that from you of all people,” she snapped. I gave a sheepish grin back.

“Twilight will be so absorbed in her studies that she won’t notice you’re spending most of your time thinking about how to pop the question. That said, try not to overthink how you ask her. Once you see things wrapping up, that’s when you ask.” she concluded. That “overthink” was dripping with mockery.

“Wow, that actually is relatively simple,” I fired back.

Rarity smirked and rolled her eyes. “The last, and in my opinion most important part, is that you text me with her answer the very moment you’re in the clear.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Why is that the “most important” part?” I said with air quotes.

“The first is because I’ll be eagerly and anxiously awaiting the results the entire night and it’s important that I know everything. The second is because, if she says yes, I’ll probably be up all night designing your outfits. So the sooner I know the outcome, the less crabby I’ll be on the big day,” she answered. “Are we clear?”

“Crystal,” I responded.

For the first time in a while, I felt at ease. I felt good about my chances with Twilight. This was going to work out. This was finally going to happen. And without Rarity, there’s no way I’d have ever felt this confident.

“Excellent!” she exclaimed, “Unfortunately, I don’t have time to stick around today, so I must take my leave. If I don’t see you before then, good luck on Thursday.”

I watched as she walked toward the door, putting her coat on and slinging her purse around her arm. She took a pair of sunglasses out of her coat pocket and slipped them over her eyes. As she reached for the door, I stopped her.

“Hold it!” I shouted. She looked over at me, a hint of confusion on her face. “One more thing.”

With that, I walked over to her and hugged her tight. For a few moments, it seemed like Rarity didn’t know how to react. But after another moment, she hugged me back just as tight. At first, she felt very tense, but she quickly relaxed in my embrace. We held each other for a few seconds. It seemed like neither of us wanted to pull away.

Eventually, I moved things forward.

“Thank you, Rarity,” I said with a smile, “For everything.”

She smiled back at me. Without another word, she turned toward the door and took her leave.

As the door shut behind her, I walked over to the couch and fell face first into the cushions and let out a long sigh. This was it. We were coming down to the wire. Months of preparation and planning were all about to come together. I would soon have my answer to the question that had plagued me for so many moons. I was many things – happy, relieved, anxious. But above all, I was ready.

I hoped.

Author's Note

If I had to estimate, there are three, maybe four total chapters left in this story. Things are about to start heating up!

Thanks for reading :twilightsmile:

1/20/23 EDIT: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for editing this chapter!

8 – Why?

Autumn has always been my favorite season. I could spend forever waxing poetically, describing Fall with all the tired, florid depictions everyone else tends to do. Let’s just say I like it for most of the same reasons anyone else does. It’s pretty to look at, and it’s not hot. That, and I get to wear all my cute sweaters again.

Out of all five of our main senses, smell is the one most closely linked to memory, and autumn air has a very distinct fragrance. Walking around outside, breathing in the cool air, I’m reminded of quite a few things I’d like to forget. It was this time exactly one year ago I was on the precipice of enacting a poorly-thought-out plot I’d been scheming for months.

Since then, so many things have changed that it has distorted my perception of time. Events that happened only a year and half ago feel like they happened over half a decade ago. Three hundred and sixty-four days ago, I was a completely different person, yet it felt so much further away than that.

Under different circumstances, I could see myself being consumed with guilt and self-doubt around this time of year. Even though it all felt like ancient history, I didn’t like to think about what happened at the Fall Formal last year. Nearly losing myself to magic I had no hope of controlling, turning an entire student body into mindless thralls for a nebulous goal of world domination, almost dooming not just this world, but another one entirely – all things I’d done that I wished I could forget.

That didn’t seem to be weighing on my mind like I thought it would. Maybe it was because I was so ready to forget that chapter of my life. Maybe it was because, for the first time in my life, I felt happy.

More realistically, it was probably because there was something more pressing that demanded my attention. This year, there was another plot I had been planning to enact. It was far less ill-advised, and the stakes were significantly lower, yet it was somehow more anxiety-inducing. If everything didn’t work out in the end, I wouldn’t be left with the same overwhelming feelings of regret and existential dread as my last failed plan. However, that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be just as emotionally devastating.

Yesterday, I took the first step toward that plan: there was a test next week, and I had asked Twilight if she wanted to study for it at her place. As expected, she accepted without hesitation. That was the easy part. The rest would be complicated, and I had a limited window of opportunity. I just had to find the right moment, and when I did, I couldn’t choke. Not again.

When I arrived at Twilight’s an hour after school, she greeted me with a hug at the door. She led me up to her room, and rushed right in front of me just like the week before. This time, I slowed down a little more on the walk through the hall. Before I turned the corner into her room, I heard her open and shut one of her drawers. Looking at the dresser in her room, I noticed there were no photos sitting in a pile at the corner like last time. She must have realized I spotted them last time. I couldn’t wait to tell her I did.

Then we began to study. Well, at least she studied. Twilight diligently pored over her textbooks and notes, but I just stared blankly at mine. Thankfully, I thought ahead.

Knowing this would be an issue, I spent the night before going over the material on my own. There was no way I would be able to focus on studying, and I wanted to be sure I could answer any questions Twilight might have. If I were studying with any of the other girls, this might have been a necessary precaution, but Twilight was smarter than me. As such, she didn’t really ask me anything.

While we studied, she’d sometimes start to ask something, but halfway through it would become apparent she was using me as a sounding board. With her immersing herself in her own studies, I had plenty of time to think of how to ask her out.

There was just one problem: I had not even the slightest clue how I wanted to ask. As I stared at my book, my eyes scanned the same passage over and over, my nerves continuing to mount. It was hard to focus on what to do next with all the fear and anxiety swirling within me.

What if I couldn’t think of how to ask her out? Was this going to turn out like every other time I’ve tried to ask? Would I keep waiting for “the right time” only for it to never come? How do you even know what “the right time” looks like?

Time dragged on sluggishly as my vacant eyes read the page in front of me over and over. My mind ran through so many scenarios, but everything I came up with just didn’t sound right. I wanted to be romantic, but I didn’t want to be cheesy. I wanted to be straightforward, but I didn’t want to be too direct. I wanted to be casual, but I didn’t want to seem like I was treating something like this flippantly. In short, I had no idea what I wanted.

After about an hour of pretend studying, I stretched and yawned. While I wasn’t doing anything physically, all that thinking was running me ragged. Twilight looked up from her book as I yawned out loud. She suggested we take a break – get up and move around to get the blood flowing through us again. When I asked what she had in mind, she told me about a nearby park in her neighborhood. There was a bridge over a lake that provided an especially pretty view around this time of year.

That was what a “right time” looked like. If I was going to do it, I was going to do it then and there. This was finally going to happen.

Oh Celestia, this was going to happen, wasn’t it?

With that, we both stood up and stretched. After putting on our coats, we made our way outside. It was going to take a little while to reach the park. This was both a good and a bad thing. This meant I had a little more time to think of how to ask her out, but it also gave my anxiety even more time to mount against me.

After following her for a little under what felt like half a mile, we made it to the park. It was enormous. The fact that this was sitting in the center of her neighborhood served as a testament to how affluent the area she lived in was. Even though the plants were wilting away with the changing season, the park was brimming with natural beauty as far as the eye could see.

The brick walls surrounding the park were draped in withering ivy. The path inside sat between both patches of tall grass and mixed flower beds. Grass pushed through the cracked cobblestones we walked. As we made our way deeper, the paths curved around thickets of birch, maple, oak and evergreen trees. Sometimes the sky above would be obscured by thick, gnarled branches of oak, each one coated in leaves and moss.

My eyes wandered all over as we made our way into the depths of the park. It wasn’t like me to get so enraptured in the beauty of nature like this, but there was a reason I was so focused on our surroundings. Every time my eyes fixed on Twilight, my stomach would twist. The anxiety welling within me was reaching critical levels, and my mind was seeking refuge from that in any way it could.

It didn’t help that most of our walk was quiet. This was pretty normal for us since Twilight wasn’t much of a talker. Usually, that was one of the things I appreciated about hanging out with her. I never felt pressured to be engaged with a conversation, or to keep one going. We could silently enjoy each other’s company and get just as much out of it as we would if we talked.

This time, however, I might have enjoyed having something to talk about. Every step forward was another step closer to finally asking the burning question. Soon, there would be no better time to ask Twilight out. It felt as though I was being walked to the gallows, except instead of dying I was asking my best friend out – two things which I could only imagine were equally stressful.

Finally, we came to a wooden bridge lined with an iron support and railing. All the metal looked like it had long oxidized, and the planks themselves were warped and discolored. Leaves of all sizes and shades of red to yellow dotted the planks. The bridge stood over a body of water – a confluence of two rivers that ran throughout the park surrounded by trees.

Twilight stopped in front of the bridge momentarily. “Here it is,” she said. She continued forward, and I followed close behind. When she made it to the center, she stopped and leaned against the railing, placing her elbows on it as she rested her head in her hands. I stood next to her, leaning forward with my crossed arms.

Turning my head slowly, I took in the sights before us. “You were right,” I remarked, desperately trying not to choke on my nerves. “This is a really pretty spot.”

“This has always been my favorite spot in the neighborhood,” she remarked. “No one really goes this deep into the park, so I come here sometimes just to be alone.”

“I’m just amazed this is somehow tucked away in the middle of this massive neighborhood. This feels like something that’d be downtown,” I responded.

Silence found its place between us once again. For a few minutes, we just stood there, staring off into the cloudless sky. We faced west, and I could tell by the fact that the sun was barely hidden behind the trees in front of us. I never liked how early the sun set in the colder months, but from this perspective, it made for a pretty view.

A brisk wind blew toward us. I could feel my hair flowing behind me, the cool air nipping at my ears. Twilight’s hair, being tied in a bun, mostly stayed in place. All except for the tendrils she let hang in front of her ears. The ones she often twists when she’s nervous about something.

As if on cue, her left hand reached up and coiled one of them around her index finger. A feeling of concern pierced through my anxiety. Maybe she brought me out here for a reason. I may have had something I wanted to say, but if she needed to talk about something, that would have to take priority.

“Something on your mind, Sparky?” I asked.

“Me?” She turned to face me. “No, I’m fine.” The nerves in her voice were evident, but I didn’t want to press. When she turned away, I shrugged. There was something more there, but I couldn’t afford to dwell on it.

This was my moment. Everything I’d done with her over the past half year led up to this. I couldn’t get cold feet this time – I had to ask her. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. There was no looking back now. I opened my mouth, and took a deep breath.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a little while.”

The breath I just took sat still in my lungs. Those words weren’t mine. It was as if Twilight had taken the words from me for herself.

My stomach twisted itself into another knot. Was she about to ask me first? Was I being beaten to the punch? My heart started racing. I could feel my face begin to burn. What else could it be? Why would she bring me out here otherwise? This was it. This had to be it.

“What is it?”

Twilight took a deep breath. “So you know the Fall Formal is tomorrow, right?”

My entire body began to tremble. It was really going to happen like this. All this time, I had never even considered the possibility that Twilight might ask me first. All that agonizing over choosing the right words, the right day, the right time – all for her to seize the moment and do it herself. I could feel my heart palpitate, jumping into my throat as I gulped. Part of me felt like laughing, but I held firm.

Twilight’s gaze met my own. My mouth was bone dry. Unable to summon any words, I just stared back and nodded. It must have been incredibly easy to see how flustered I was. I was trying my best to play it cool, but my body was actively working against me.

“I…” she began, letting out a sigh before she could get any further. “J-Just… promise me you won’t take this the wrong way?”

Once again, I felt laughter bubbling up inside me, but I quickly shoved it back down. If only she knew how I’d been feeling this whole time. Once I told her, I’m sure she’d laugh just the same.

“Of course I won’t, Twilight. You’re my best friend.” My lips curled into a grin. It was a struggle not to let it stretch from ear to ear. I was so excited. It was finally happening.

“Well… Timber and I have started talking again recently…”

…What?

“… And he’s been really apologetic about everything that happened between us…” she continued.

…What?

“…So at one point I told him about the Fall Formal, and how I wasn't planning on going…”

…What?

“…And he asked me if I would like to go with him, and I-I said yes,” she hesitated. “He seemed sincere, so I decided to give him a second chance. He’ll be taking me tomorrow,” she concluded.

My mouth hung agape, but there were no words. No coherent thoughts came to mind. For a few seconds, I couldn’t speak, think, or move at all. Even breathing became difficult. All kinds of feelings swirled through me. I was angry, bewildered, shaken, and, above all, heartbroken. All I could do was stare as I felt the life drain from my body.

“I-I just wanted to make you aware. Just so you don’t see him tomorrow and think he showed up just to start something,” she nervously added. “I understand if you’re still upset with him, but I’d like it if you two could get along.”

Why? Why would she do this? Why would she bring me all the way out here to this spot only to drop that bomb on me? She was going to go with him? The guy who made her feel guilty about her not letting him grope her? Not only that, she wanted me to get along with him?

My stomach fell through the ground. All that build up, all that anticipation, all for it to happen like this? Was I that much of an idiot? To get my hopes this high? To think even for a fraction of a second that Twilight – meek, timid Twilight – would have asked me first? To think she would have asked me at all?

This was all my fault. How could I be stupid enough to think this would work out? Every time I felt a sliver of hope about anything, this is what always happened. If I wasn’t such a moron, I wouldn’t feel every neuron in my body firing off at once.

My mind was completely overloaded. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to punch something over and over until my knuckles shattered into more pieces than my heart. I was overwhelmed with every single negative emotion that could be named. My head pounded as if my skull was pressure cooking my brain.

I was furious at Twilight, furious at Timber, but furious at myself most of all. How did I let myself believe this would work out? Why was I allowing myself to be overcome with all these emotions? How disgustingly selfish could I be? My level of anger could only be matched by the immense shame I felt over everything I was feeling.

When I didn’t respond, Twilight turned her head toward me once again. She looked startled when she saw my expression.

“S-Sunset, are you okay?”

A thousand words tried to exit my mouth at once, but I could only sputter out one of them.

“W-What?”

Twilight looked confused. “I-I said he’s going to–”

“I heard what you said, I just... What?” My body began to shake. “I can't believe–”

No. I stopped myself before that thought had a chance to escape. This wasn’t going to happen like this.

With a frustrated exhale, I turned away from her. I wasn’t going to do this. I couldn’t do this. There was a choice to be made here, and whatever choice I made would decide the outcome of our future together. I just had to calm down. She needed me to be happy for her. That's what I needed, too. It wasn’t about what I wanted right now. I would have another opportunity later on. I…

Who was I kidding? What I needed was to get out of here. Pretending to be happy had been eating away at me for months, and I was at my breaking point. I was just so furious and heartbroken.

Everything about this feels intentional. Like I was set up to fail from the start. Like she knew this would destroy me. If I stuck around, I was going to detonate, and she would be caught in the explosion.

It was just so hard to walk away. Maybe I should just explode anyway. I’d never felt this angry at her before. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel this way about her. That only made me feel even more disgusted with myself, but I couldn’t help it.

Still, if I wanted any chance of salvaging our relationship in any way, I had to leave this instant. There were only a few times in my life where I’d felt this much fury before, and something horrible happened each time. I had the power to stop that. I turned my back to her and started walking away.

“Sunset, wait! Where are you going?”

“Twilight, just don’t.” I replied as sternly as I could.

“B-but I don’t understand!” she exclaimed. “Y-You said you wouldn’t be mad!”

“Twilight!” I shouted, stomping as I stood in place. “I said don’t!” Once again, I started to walk away.

As I attempted to depart once more, I heard Twilight’s footsteps from behind. “Sunset, please! I’m sorry! Please don’t be mad!” she begged. “Please, just stop and talk to–”

Stomping even harder this time, I turned around, glowering at her. When our eyes met, she stopped dead in her tracks. My heart was already bleeding, but seeing her so frightened only twisted the knife in it. Tears began to well in my eyes. I was so mad at her, but how could I expect her to understand? I was the one who hadn’t told her how I felt. This was my fault.

With that in mind, I gave her one last chance. If she let me go, we could salvage this later. If she didn’t, then I guess I was going to destroy the best thing I had going for me.

Again.

“Twilight, just let it go. Let me go. I don’t want to do this. Don’t question me, just. Let. Me. Go.” I begged.

I looked her in the eyes. She was on the verge of tears. I couldn’t stand to look at her anymore. It was hard to tell if I couldn’t look out of anger, or because I knew I was the one hurting her. I just turned around again and began to leave once more. Every step I took, my mind screamed for her not to follow, not to speak another word to me. I didn’t want to think of what would happen when I lost the last vestiges of my self-control. More than that, I didn’t want her to find out.

My broken, beaten heart sank as I heard footsteps yet again. She wasn't going to let this go. My entire body began shaking. I knew I wasn't going to be able to stop what came next. No one could ever say I didn't try to walk away.

“Sunset, I–”

I turned around again. “How could you do this to me?” I screamed.

Twilight flinched, the color quickly draining from her face. All the concern in her face vanished into the fearful expression that replaced it.

Her lips quivered, sputtering syllables as she tried to push out any words. “D-Do wh–”

“How could you go back to him?” I shouted. “What the fuck is wrong with you? After everything he did to you, you’re going to take him back? You want to go back to that?”

Twilight recoiled again as my voice raised in intensity. As I took one step forward, she took one back.

She subtly trembled, only able to stammer out more incoherent sounds, unable to complete a single word.

My tirade continued. “It was bad enough seeing you with him in the first place! I spent all that time being happy for you when it made me miserable! I was never happy about it! I’ve never been happy!”

Twilight was now visibly shaking. Another step forward for me, another step backward from her. I could feel part of myself desperately fighting for control, trying as hard as it could to reel me back in. But if the terror in Twilight's face wasn't enough to stop me, nothing would. The heartbreak I felt was months in the making, and I could feel every bit of it like venom flowing through my veins.

“That piece of shit is lucky to have a pulse after what he did to you! But suddenly he comes back and says he’s sorry and everything’s fine?” My voice began to tremble as tears welled in my eyes. “How, Twilight? How can I even pretend to be happy about that? He treats you like that, and he still gets what I want! How is that fair?”

For some reason, I took another step forward. This time, however, Twilight was still. The fear in her face was now matched with shock as her mouth hung agape.

“W-Wait! Sunset, what are y–?”

“I love you, Twilight!” I shouted, tears finally escaping as I shut my eyes tight. Nothing she could do or say was going to stop me.

“I am in love with you! I have been in love with you for months! When you were having nightmares, I was there for you at any hour because I love you! When you felt like you didn’t fit in, I helped you make friends because I love you! Everything I have ever done for you, I have done because I love you!”

There was a vague, metallic taste on my tongue as if my throat was bleeding from shouting. My mouth was so dry, and my voice was getting hoarse from screaming so loud. Everyone in Twilight’s neighborhood must have been able to hear me, but I didn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore. This would ruin every bit of closeness we’d cultivated, but what else was there to do?

My rant continued. “What did I do wrong? All those things I did for you, all those times I was there for you, all the times we had together – all of that just for it to mean nothing! I never meant anything to you! So fine, thanks for wasting my fucking time!” I screamed with all the energy I had left.

The only sound other than the wind for a few seconds was the sound of me panting. Twilight hadn’t budged an inch. I looked at her, and she looked back at me. My breathing began to slow as we stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like hours. I could see the tears pouring over her cheeks. It was hard to say who was crying more.

The longer we stared, the more I realized what I had just done. All that pain, fear, shock in her expression – that was me. That was my doing. I did that. All because of my inability to control myself. All because I couldn’t have my way. In one fell swoop, I had unraveled months worth of friendship.

I could feel my stomach dropping as everything sank in.

Oh. Oh Celestia, why did I do that?

The more I looked at her, the more everything hurt. It was a different kind of pain – much different than what I felt before I lost my temper. No matter what just happened, I couldn’t stand to see Twilight in this state. Whenever anyone made Twilight upset, defensive anger would swell within me. This time, it was a pointless feeling. There was no external enemy to aim it toward, because I was the enemy.

Slowly but surely, all of the rage drained from me. In its place was nothing but overwhelming shame. And I deserved to feel every bit of pain and discomfort it caused.

My breathing had stabilized from all the shouting, but increased once more as I realized the magnitude of my outrage. First came shame, then regret, and now panic was thrown into the mix. Every bit of that emotional tempest raged through me, leaving nothing but destruction and emptiness in its wake.

“I-I’m… I’m so sorry, Twilight,” I stammered. “I-I didn’t… I didn’t mean–” There were thousands of things I could have said, but I couldn’t express anything coherent.

Twilight was still frozen in horror and refused to budge. I waited for a move, a word, a gesture – anything reaction at all – but nothing came. There was nothing I could say to salvage this. No apology would ever be enough. There were no actions I could take to make up for what I’d done. Much like I had many times throughout my life, I had ruined everything.

Run. I needed to run. That’s what I should have done in the first place. I had to get out of here now. I had to leave. Not just the park, not just Canterlot City – I needed to leave this dimension. I could never face anyone here ever again.

As I took a step backward, Twilight still didn’t move. Another step back. She was still frozen. All the fear I instilled in her had left her paralyzed.

Turning away from her, I began to run as fast as I could, shutting my eyes tight as tears flowed once more. I had to get as far away from her as I possibly could. If I really loved her, I’d make sure she never saw me ever again. I had to let go. Let go, run, and never look back.

Perhaps in an act of karmic retribution, I stumbled against one of the warped planks at the end of the bridge, launching me forward. Maybe it was because of the overwhelming panic, maybe it was because I felt as though I deserved it, but I fell down face first. All of the wind was knocked out of me as I felt my face and stomach make impact with the stone walkway. Clamoring to pick myself up, I flailed and fell over again.

The shame I felt increased tenfold. I acted so horribly cruel to her, and now I was a sniveling, whimpering mess on the ground. Instead of trying to get back up, I got to my hands and knees and stayed there, trying desperately to catch my breath before attempting to escape again.

Trying to catch my breath was impossible. Every time I inhaled, I would cough until I retched. More than anything, I wanted to remove myself from her sight, but I couldn’t even do that. I looked pathetic. I felt pathetic.

I was pathetic.

As I lay on the ground panting and crying, I heard Twilight’s slow footsteps approaching from behind. Curling up, I receded into myself as she drew closer. If she had any sense, she’d kick me in the ribs while I'm down and walk back home without me. That would be the least I deserved for what I'd just done to her. When her footsteps stopped, she was still for a few seconds. I sat there bracing myself for impact. If not to be struck, to be told what a worthless piece of shit I was.

Surprisingly, neither came to pass. Instead, she knelt down and tried to pick me up. At first, I resisted, pulling my arm away from her as she tried to grab it. Why would she help me? She shouldn’t. I didn’t need help, and after everything that just transpired, I certainly didn’t deserve it.

“St-Stop,” I choked. “Just leave me here.”

Twilight refused. Instead, I could hear her struggle the more I resisted. When it became clear she wasn’t going to give up, I caved and let her pick me up. My hair was messily draped over my face. It felt appropriate. I couldn’t stand the idea of anyone seeing my face, least of all her. I just kept looking down at the ground and refused to look anywhere else.

As I regained my equilibrium, Twilight took my arm over her shoulder and guided me forward. She held me up as I limped down the path we came from. I could have carried myself, but when I tried to, she would physically insist she keep holding me up.

We arrived at a wooden bench next to a lamp post, and that’s when she coaxed me into sitting down. When I was settled, she sat down next to me. At first, there were no words. Just the sounds of nature surrounding us.

Eventually, I leaned forward into my hands and quietly sobbed. I could feel Twilight’s arms wrap around me. She was trying to comfort me, but it just made me feel worse. With what little mental wherewithal I had, I tried my hardest to stop myself from turning into a weeping mess once again.

It just didn’t make sense. Why was she doing this? I wanted to push her off of me, but my body wouldn’t respond. I wanted to ask her why, but I was incapable of saying anything. I tried to take deep breaths, but it was like my body was trying to deny me oxygen. After a particularly nasty coughing fit, I heard her breathe deep. She was trying to guide my breaths to match hers – something I often did for her when she panicked.

I didn’t want to follow at first. I could get through this myself, and she was the last person to help me through anything. But she was persistent, and eventually we both got into a rhythm together. After a few minutes, I caught my breath and regained some semblance of composure.

I leaned a little further back on the bench. I rested my elbows on my knees, crossing my arms across my thighs as I kept looking down at the ground. Things were quiet for a while. I didn’t know what to say, nor did I feel it was my right to say anything. I had no idea what could possibly be running through Twilight’s mind, either. It was like waiting for a bomb to go off. She was nice enough to not leave me a blubbering mess on the ground, but I couldn’t reasonably expect anything more than that.

Eventually, she leaned in close. “You know,” she began, “I don’t think I’ve ever had to guide you through breathing exercises. Usually it’s the other way around.”

I wanted to grin, but I impulsively bit my tongue so hard I tasted blood. It was my brain’s way of telling me I wasn’t allowed to smile.

Even still, her comment provided a little bit of comfort. For the first time in a while, I looked up from the ground. As I did, I saw her hand move toward my face to brush the hair out of my eyes. At first, I tried to block her hand. However, just like with everything else so far, she was annoyingly insistent.

As her fingers pulled back the curtain of hair draped over my face, I kept looking forward to the grove of trees in front of us. I didn’t want to face her, but, moments later, she didn’t give me a choice. She cupped my cheek in her hand and gently pulled until we were face to face.

My eyes were shut tight as my head turned. I was terrified of how she’d look. How hurt would she look? Would she be angry? Was she still crying?

To my surprise, she didn’t look upset at all. There was no trace of fear, no sign of tears beyond when she cried earlier. No, she was slightly smiling. A warmth spread through me as I looked in her eyes. As much as I wanted to smile back at her, I couldn’t. The same part of my brain that made me bite my tongue made me physically incapable of returning that smile. I felt awful for not doing so, but at the same time I still felt like I didn’t deserve to smile. I had no reason to. Not after what I’d done.

I felt myself choke up again. “It’s not too late to leave me here, you know.”

She didn’t respond at first. Instead, she tried to grab my hand. I pulled my hand away when she did.

“What are you doing?”

“Sunset,” she spoke softly, “I’m not upset with you.”

“What?” I asked. “How? After what I–”

She put her finger over my lips, her sympathetic grin giving me a faint sense of warmth in my chest. “Let me just talk for a bit, okay?”

It was hard to tell what was making my head spin more: the residual shock of falling onto the unforgiving ground face first, or her calm demeanor after everything I’d done. This was all so confusing. It was hard to wrap my head around why she was still being so nice to me.

Instead of arguing any further, I just sighed. “Okay,” I surrendered.

Her smile widened a bit more as she grabbed my hand once more. “Do you remember everything that happened at the Friendship Games?” she asked.

Chuckling emptily, I nodded. “How could I forget?”

Twilight nodded back in turn. “You got angry at me because I was messing with stuff I had no right to be messing with.” She paused with a giggle. “And you were right to do so. In retrospect, everything I did was ridiculously dangerous. I was being stupid.”

“Yeah, but–” she placed her finger over my lips again to quiet my protest. That was something I’d heard from her before, but I never agreed. I could have said something without exploding. If I hadn’t yelled at her, she might not have been pressured into unleashing the magic from that pendant device she had in the first place.

“Not even twenty minutes later, I realized just how right you were.” Her expression and tone hardened. “When I was possessed by Midnight Sparkle, I was fully aware of everything, but I had no control. It was like being forced to watch a first-person horror movie. It was the most terrifying experience of my entire life.”

That was a hauntingly familiar feeling. Every time we’d ever talked about this, the conversation rarely lasted longer than a couple sentences, so I didn’t know a lot about how she felt while it was happening. Remembering the whole magic demon thing was much harder for her than it was for me. In an attempt to comfort her, I squeezed her hand, and she squeezed mine back in response.

She broke eye contact, looking at the trees in front of us.

“Not just because of Midnight, either. At first, I thought the battle was going to end with you doing away with both me and Midnight. And… if it had gone that way, I wouldn’t have blamed you. I would have rather been destroyed with her than continue being her puppet.”

That implication made my stomach turn. “As long as I had options, I would never have done that to you,” I replied.

Twilight turned to me and smiled again. “I know. When I thought it was all over for me, I cowered in my own mind. That’s when everything went white. When it did, I thought that was it. But then I saw you standing right in front of me. Even after everything I did, you were trying to save me – that idiot girl who ruined the games and put you and all your friends in danger.

“You vanquished her, and after that, I was myself again. I’d never been so relieved in my life, and I'd never been that happy to be myself again.” She let out a mirthless chuckle. “I haven't since, either." I hated the fact that she said that, but I let it slide.

“It was just… so much to take in. The girl who had just exploded at me for being the reason everything turned into such a mess miraculously fixed everything and saved my life.” A blush splashed across her face as she paused. “A-And, I’ll be honest, she looked absolutely beautiful while doing it,” she continued.

My cheeks burned as hot as hers. Was it really fair to say that, though? The influence of magic just seems to be able to make anyone look beautiful. Admittedly, even Midnight Sparkle – as evil as she was – was kind of hot. I’d never admit that to anyone, though – least of all Twilight.

“After all that, things were just… Well, weird. Everyone was so nice and friendly to me, but it always felt so forced, you know? It was like everyone was expecting me to be just like Princess Twilight. I couldn’t help but feel like everyone was sorely disappointed to find out I was nothing like her.”

“I know exactly how that feels,” I remarked. “After the Battle of the Bands, I felt like everyone was being fake-nice to me for a while. Sometimes, I still do. It’s a weirdly isolating feeling, so when you transferred, I did my best to be nice to you. I didn’t want you to have to go through that alone like I did.”

Twilight smiled. “At first, I wasn’t sure why you were so nice to me, but I realized how genuine you were after that night at Pinkie’s.” she continued.

I let out a chuckle. “What a night that was,” I remarked. “I don’t know how you’ll take this, but I’m hoping your memory of that night is kind of sparse. I still feel embarrassed about it.”

She giggled. “Oh, don't worry. I remember every detail – especially the part with the whipped cream – but I’ll get to that in a little bit.”

Damn it. Now there were two people who were going to hang that above my head forever. I blushed again and looked away from her.

“Anyway, do you remember how bad my nightmares were at Camp Everfree?” she asked.

“Once again, how could I forget?” I asked, “No offense, but the last time I remember being that sleep-deprived was midterms last year.”

She looked a little embarrassed by that comment. “Y-Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“Hey!” I exclaimed. “What did I tell you about apologizing for that?” I gave her a playful nudge. “Besides, didn’t you ever wonder why I was so ready to get up and hold you in the middle of the night?” Once what I said registered in my brain, another blush spread across my face.

Twilight sheepishly looked away, her face flushed. “I-I did, but I always thought it was just because you were being a good friend.” For a moment, she played with one of the tendrils of hair hanging in front of her ear.

“A-Anyway,” she said, clearing her throat, “the last night we were there, I actually did have a nightmare. It just… turned into a dream before things could get really bad. And it was a really nice dream, too,” she trailed off, looking up at the sky.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m almost too embarrassed to tell you about this, but… you remember how I thanked you on the bus ride home from camp?”

“Another moment I can never forget,” I replied. “I was trying really hard not to seem heartbroken about you and… yeah.”

Detecting my awkwardness, Twilight squeezed my hand again. “Well, defeating Gaea Everfree helped me overcome my fear of magic, but the nightmares didn’t actually stop until one specific dream I had.

“At first, it started out like a nightmare. Everything seemed normal, then Midnight would show up. It was so long ago that the specifics are a bit fuzzy, but I remember her cornering me. As she was backing me into a wall, I ran into something…”

Twilight started playing with her hair again, her eyes wandering around. This was getting too cute. I already wanted to pick her up and squeeze her, but I had to wait for her to finish.

“I was scared it was just her appearing behind me, but then I felt arms around me. When I looked at whose arms they were, that’s when I realized…” Her eyes finally met mine again, her face more red than I’d ever seen. “It was you.”

The urge to squeeze her was already incredibly hard to resist, but now it was next to impossible. How was she capable of being this adorable? This wasn’t fair.

“You held me close, and you told me not to worry, and that you wouldn’t let her hurt me anymore. And just like the day we met, you vanquished her again. And then… I looked up at you, a-and you looked at me. We started leaning in close and… A-Andthenwekindasortakissed,” she stammered. Her tone was hushed as she tried her hardest to get that last sentence out as fast as she could.

“Oh my gosh you are way too cute I can’t take it anymore!” Unable to hold back any longer, I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed her so tight I was afraid she might pop. She let out the cutest squeak as I did. I knew she’d do that!

As I let her go, the embarrassed look on her face was priceless. It was almost enough to make me grab her and hug her again, but I restrained myself.

Recovering from her embarrassment, she cleared her throat before continuing. “After the whipped cream thing, I wasn’t really sure how I felt about you, but I knew I felt something,” she explained. “It’s really weird, but I'm very particular about letting people touch my face, so when I didn't react badly to you doing it, I was very confused for a time. I tried to tell myself it was just because you were the first real friend I ever had, but after that dream, I knew I liked you more than a friend.”

As embarrassed as I was hearing Twilight mention the whipped cream incident, Rarity had always told me that moment was “foundational”. Once again, she was right. It’s so frustrating how often that was the case. She wasn’t even here and I could see the smug grin on her face.

That raised a question, however. “If you knew how you felt, why didn’t you tell me?”

Her expression shifted a few times as she contemplated her answer. “I thought about it, but I could never work myself up enough to say anything.” She paused, looking uncomfortably at the ground. “I thought the way you encouraged me with Timber was a subtle way for you to tell me you weren’t interested.”

“Considering how you hit it off with Timber, I thought it was safe to assume you were straight,” I replied. “That was part of what was so heartbreaking for me.”

She shook her head. “Back when he and I first got together, I was still questioning my sexuality. After everything that happened in that relationship, I’m not even sure I’m that interested in boys at all.”

Pursing my lips, I exhaled out of my nose. Rarity was never going to let me live that down either.

“I guess I just kept going with Timber because I thought he was my only chance at love.” She let out an empty laugh. “I knew you were bi, but I decided it was best not to bother you about how I felt. To be honest, after hearing what you said on the bridge, I’m still not entirely sure I’m not dreaming. I never thought you’d be interested in someone like me.”

My eyes went wide as I looked at her. “Why wouldn’t I be interested in you?” I exclaimed.

She shrugged. “You’re smart, outgoing, incredibly talented, and you’re easily the prettiest girl in school.” She blushed, scratching the back of her head. “A-At least I think you are. So what could someone as amazing as you see in a lanky, socially awkward nerd like me?”

Suddenly, my mind flashed back to the sleepover. All the way back when I asked why she wasn’t confident. It had been so many months, but she still thought so low of herself. It broke my heart back then, and it still did now. My fledgling feelings back then hadn’t had time to develop, but after all this time, I knew exactly how I felt about her. Finally, I was getting my chance to tell her what I truly saw in her.

“You can’t see what I see,” I replied.

I took her other hand in mine. She looked down at them. When she looked back up, I met her eyes with a half-lidded stare, my lips curling into a wide smile. A few seconds of silence went by as I gathered my thoughts.

“I’ve always liked you a lot, Twilight. At first, I thought it was just because you were basically the only person at CHS who wasn’t there to see what a horrible bitch I used to be. That made building our friendship a whole lot less complicated. It was one of the reasons I tried so hard to get close to you in the beginning. The other reason why is because I could tell you felt like you didn’t fit in – even when we were with the girls.

“That night at your first sleepover, when you said all those mean things about yourself, I felt offended. It was like I couldn’t believe anyone could say that about you. After we went back to bed, I stayed up for another hour thinking about why I felt that way. By the next morning, I realized it wasn’t just because I wanted to be your friend so bad. There was a lot more to it.

“Almost everything you said about me? That applies to you, too. I meant it when I said you’re the smartest person I know – you’re the only person in CHS who’s smarter than me, and I’ve known that since you smoked me at the Friendship Games. You’re every bit as talented as I am, if not more. You pick up on things so quickly – just look at how fast you’re learning guitar!

“And stop calling yourself lanky! You’re not! You’re literally the cutest girl I’ve ever seen in my life, and that should come as high praise considering there aren’t many humans I find remotely attractive.”

I could see a blush spread across her face as she stared at me, wide-eyed.

“You know how you get going when you talk about a subject you’re knowledgeable and passionate about? The rest of the girls always tell you to wrap it up, or speak English, but I love it when you do that. I can never get enough of that. When you get excited about explaining something, no matter how overcomplicated the subject or explanation, I just become enamored with you. It's one of the cutest things you do.”

Her face was burning up. I could tell she was getting flustered. She couldn’t even hold eye contact anymore. But I was just getting started.

“And that's just one way I think you're cute. Every time I take you for a ride on my bike, I go slow on purpose. Not just for your comfort, but because the way you hang onto me for dear life is so cute. It melts my heart when we go to a party and you’re following right behind me everywhere I go because you’re too anxious to be left alone. All those things are so endearing, so cute.”

Twilight squirmed in her seat. She was so flustered, but I was hardly done.

“Your face, your voice, your hair – every single part of you is so unfairly adorable. How can you not wake up every morning, look in the mirror and think "gosh I'm so cute"? I really don’t know how you can’t recognize how cute you are. I don’t know how anyone couldn't see you as the cutest girl in the entire world. I know I’ve said the word cute fifty times in the last two minutes, but you have to understand I’ve wanted to tell you all this for months. I’ve held back because I didn’t want to be weird, but it's been eating away at me the whole time. You’re just… too fucking cute, gosh.” I concluded.

If I were in a more coherent state of mind, I would have probably used more flowery language than calling her cute a million times. But it had been less than twenty minutes since I kissed the pavement. Cut me some slack.

Besides, I don’t think Twilight minded my overuse of the word. If I wasn’t holding her hands, Twilight would be trying to hide her face in them. A wide grin spread across her blushing face. The way she got so embarrassed about being told she was cute was in and of itself cute. Twilight was made of the very essence of cute – a cuteness elemental.

I couldn’t help but squeeze her again. As an example of just how cute she is, she squeaked again. If she was going to make that sound every time, she’d better get used to being hugged that tight.

“Regardless of all of that, you’re the most important thing to me, Twilight. I would do anything in the world – this one or any other – for you. I mean that more than I've ever meant anything in my life.”

“G-Gosh, I-I don't know what to say," she stammered.

I let her pull back from the hug and our eyes met once again.

“I love you, Twilight.”

“I-I love you too, Sunset.”

Every single bit of negativity in my body was immediately vaporized. Hearing those words from her mouth made me feel more alive than I’d ever felt. I couldn’t even remember how bruised my ribs felt, or how much my throat hurt from all the screaming. I loved Twilight, and she loved me. I smiled at her and pulled her into yet another hug.

After a few seconds, I pulled back again. My smile faded as my eyes wandered over to the bridge. Suddenly, I remembered everything I had said not long ago. Guilt and shame had returned, and they were expecting their dues. As happy as I was now, there was one last thing to do.

“Listen, Twilight,” I began, “I’m… really sorry. About everything. About how mad I got, about how I reacted earlier, about what I said to you. I should have just told you how I felt instead of… well, all of that. What I did was really fucked up, and I just hope you can forgive me. I promise if you do, I’ll never let something like that happen again.”

She gave me a comforting smile. “I’ll forgive you, but only on two conditions,” she said.

“Anything,” I replied.

She held up a finger. “The first condition: you have to go to the Fall Formal with me.”

“I would love to,” I answered with a smile. I felt so silly. Twilight had really beaten me to the punch after all.

Then she held up her second finger. “The second and more important of the two: you have to forgive yourself, first.”

At first, I didn’t know how to respond. I just kept staring at her. Her eyes darted off to the side, then back to my blank stare. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that she was aware of how unrelenting I could be toward myself. Twilight and I had spent so much time with each other these past months, after all. By now, she was probably more than acquainted with how much I struggled with and against regret, but it still felt uncomfortable to have it called out like that.

It put me in a very strange situation. Asking me to forgive myself was a tall order. A monumental task I could rarely even do for myself, much less anyone else. But this wasn’t myself asking. This wasn’t anyone else asking. It was Twilight. And I did just say I’d do anything for her. And I meant that.

“I'll try my hardest, but I can’t promise I will right away,” I answered, “I... might need a little reassurance.” That last part pained me to say, but it was true.

“Good enough for me,” she agreed, “And I’ll give you all the reassurance you could ever ask for and more.”

This time, she was the one who squeezed me. In response, I held her close. We sat there for a few seconds. A few seconds turned into a few minutes. Just like all those times before, I waited for her to give the signal to let go, but she never did. If it were up to her, we’d probably be sitting here on this park bench hugging each other forever. And if it were up to me, I’d probably decide the same.

Unfortunately, I was the one to pull away. As I did, she refused to let go of my arms. I wasn’t sure why at first. Then, as they’d done many times already, our eyes met. She didn’t say anything, but as I looked at her face, I could tell why she wouldn’t let go.

We both began leaning into each other slowly. She closed her eyes, and I did the same. Time seemed to slow as we got closer.

Finally, I felt her lips. On the chin. And I kissed her on the nose. We missed each other.

Opening our eyes at the same time, we both pulled away and blushed. When we looked at each other again, we both began to laugh. After a few seconds of laughter, we went in to try again. We stopped a couple times just to let out another giggle that would have interrupted the moment again.

This time, I felt her lips against my own. I held her close as we kissed. I don’t think the words to describe how I felt existed. As the seconds ticked by, I wished this moment never had to end. The world could end at this very moment, and I would be okay with it. For the first time in my life, everything felt right. I felt at peace with everything. Not just with my life, but with myself.

She pulled away. “I love you, Sunny.”

“I love you, too Twilight.”

We sat on the bench for a little while longer, watching as the evening welcomed the moon and the night with it. I would have loved nothing more than to sit under the stars with her until night turned to day once more, but after a little while, I could tell Twilight wasn’t handling the cold all that well. When it got too cold to stay outside, we finally stood up from the bench and began our walk home.

Hand in hand.

Author's Note

This was by far the longest I spent on any chapter. We've finally reached the moment everyone's been waiting for! That said, not all is resolved. So stay tuned!

1/21/23 EDIT: This chapter has been massively revised. Back in December, I sat down and gave it quite a facelift, but the chapter remains mostly the same plot-wise. Most of the revisions were additions rather than changing anything narratively. That's why the word count has gone from ~7,600 to what it is now.

This chapter is one I've always been really happy with, but I wanted to revise it because I've always thought it deserved a little more effort than being done/edited in one day like it was originally. Most of these revisions were done before the turn of the year, but the finishing touches were placed very recently.

Huge thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for revising/editing this chapter as well!

Thanks for reading :twilightsmile:

9 – Only Two, Not Three

Rarity | 7:48 PM:

Is everything okay? I would have
expected you’d have an answer by now.

Rarity | 8:21 PM:

You HAVE to have asked by now, have
you not???

Rarity | 8:55 PM:

Sunny, this is getting ridiculous.

You | 9:02 PM:

hey!! sry for the wait. she said yes!!
but there’s way more to it than that.
im omw over now. ill explain then

You would think that, after a mostly sleepless night, I’d be completely out of energy by this time tonight. You would think that, after all the emotional turmoil I’d been through earlier this evening, I’d be absolutely exhausted. With all of this taken into consideration, you would think my mind and body would have agreed they should both start shutting down to let me recover due to these two factors.

And yet, just north of 9 PM, I was brimming with energy. I felt invincible. Despair would never find me, and even if it could, there’s no way it could have caught me. As I weaved through traffic on the streets of the city, I couldn’t help but hold my head up high. That said, I made the effort not to. Crashing into something would’ve dampened this euphoric fixation quite thoroughly.

Just a little while ago, I was standing on Twilight’s porch. We held hands as I said goodnight to her. Neither of us wanted to let go, but I had to. It was getting late, and I could tell Twilight was very tired after everything. Plus, I was keeping someone waiting. After one last hug, I kissed her goodbye and made my way to my bike, still parked in her driveway.

That’s when I texted Rarity. I was so excited to tell her about almost everything. The outburst I had was going to be a little awkward, but with how everything worked out, I’d get over myself. I wanted to hear what she had to say about it and everything else. I wanted to see what kind of outfit she’d drawn up for me and Twilight, and how I looked in mine. Even if I knew there were a few things she was going to endlessly tease me about, nothing was capable of knocking me down from the cloud I was on.

Before I knew it, I was parked in her driveway. I hurriedly took my helmet off, placed it in the saddlebag, then ran up to her doorstep. As my hand reached to knock on the door, it swung open for me. Rarity was waiting, and she was scowling.

“You’d better have a good excuse for keeping me waiting so long! You had me downright worried!” she scolded.

I grinned sheepishly, scratching the back of my head. “I know, I know! But I swear I sent you that text the moment I was ‘in the clear’, so to speak.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well, then, don’t just stand there. Come in, we have much to do and talk about before the night’s over.” She stepped to the side and welcomed me into her house.

I followed her down the hall, turning a couple corners before ending up in a large, round room – Rarity’s bedroom, which doubled as her design studio. There were mannequins of all shapes and sizes lining the walls, different-sized sewing machines, stacks of fabric – anything needed for her to create her designs was in this room.

It made her bed look somewhat out of place by comparison. Every time I saw it, I had no idea how she managed to sleep in a room with that many mannequins. It was the reason I slept in her living room when we held sleepovers at her place.

Rarity grabbed a few things from one of the many cupboards that lined part of the wall. “Now, stand up on that pedestal. While I’m taking your measurements, I want you to explain everything. In vivid detail!”

I removed my coat, followed by my shirt. Every time we go through this process, I think of the first time I ever had my measurements taken. It felt really awkward. Not because she could see me almost naked – before I came here, I’d spent most of my life not wearing clothes at all. That was never an issue for me.

It was because I could almost see myself naked.

For a long time, I avoided looking at my body because it felt so alien compared to what I’d known for years before. I was happy to wear clothes while in this dimension because it helped me not think about how strange my body was. Pony bodies felt so much less detailed than human ones.

Every time there was even a minor event, though, Rarity insisted on designing an outfit for me and the rest of the girls. When she did, she always took measurements. Even if it had only been a week since the last time she did so, we had to go through this each and every time. Going through this process so much helped me come to terms with how my new body looked. Even if it was still a little weird, all the exposure I had to it made it feel as close to normal as it ever would.

As I stood up on the stool, I explained everything to her from the beginning. The hour I spent staring at a book wracking my brain, the walk we took to the park, the moment when we got to the bridge. It was hard to recall the details after that. My memory wasn’t failing me or anything, it was just not fun to remember all the details of my violent outburst, the breakdown that followed, and the concrete belly flop that punctuated it. At least the part that came after was nice.

I was grateful that, through the duration of her taking measurements and writing things in her little notepad, she didn’t say much. No smartass comments, no playful ribbing – just pure focus from her. If she had interjected, it would have made telling certain parts of this story a lot harder than they needed to be.

When I finally finished, she was already hard at work sketching out a design for my outfit. In spite of that, however, she was still able to talk with me. I admired her ability to multitask so effortlessly.

“So you know what I’m about to say, don’t you?” she asked

I let out a dry laugh. “Let me guess: I told you s–”

“I told you so!” she exclaimed, “Oh sweet, sweet vindication!”

We both laughed. “As much as it pains me to feed your ego, I have to admit you were right about everything, Rarity.”

She scoffed. “How many times must I tell you Sunset? I’m always right about everything!”

“I know, but for real,” I replied, “If I hadn’t accepted your help and listened to you, this wouldn’t be happening.”

She laughed upon hearing that comment. “Could I record you saying that later tonight? I could use the testimonial next time I can’t get one of the girls to listen to me,” she joked.

“I guess I do owe you for all of it, huh?” I sarcastically remarked with a grin.

“Yes, you do,” she replied sarcastically, “But in all seriousness, there’s really only one thing I could ever ask you to do in return.”

“That would be?”

She turned away from her sketch table and faced me with a smile.

“Make Twilight the happiest girl she can possibly be.”

Then she winked before turning back around.

“I’ll do my best,” I answered.

For all the sarcastic remarks and sometimes overly playful prodding, I often felt amazed at the depth of Rarity’s sweetness. In the beginning, I tried really hard to shut her out. I thought she was just interested in the potential gossip she could spread about me and Twilight. I was always under the impression that’s how she got her entertainment. Instead, she spent months proving the opposite.

When I tried to tell her I didn’t need her help when I very clearly did, she persisted until I accepted. When I felt like it was all over after Camp Everfree, she went out of her way to convince me it wasn’t. When I felt down on myself, she was there to remind me that there was more good in me than I gave myself credit for. If not for her, I would never have had any plan at all. I’d be aimlessly wandering through life, looking for the “right time” that never seemed to come.

Rarity had done so much for me. And at the end, here she was, making me yet another outfit – something that would more than likely take her until the sun rose – and all she asked in return is I make my girlfriend happy.

I felt myself blush at that last thought. I still can’t believe she’s my girlfriend. I hope I never stop feeling giddy about that. I don’t think I ever will.

Still, as I stood there in her room and watched her work, I felt my curiosity build. I thought back to the day she brought that bottle of wine to my apartment. Before we drank, I tried to get her to tell me why she was helping me. She only gave me one reason, though. After that, we made a deal: if things worked out, I wouldn’t ask her what the other motives were. Her end of the deal was satisfied, and now the onus was on me to keep my end of the bargain.

I silently and aimlessly wandered around her room, trying to distract myself by looking at all the various tools, fabrics, and knick knacks that lined the many shelves on her walls. But the questions still burned in the back of my mind. Generosity was one thing, but the sheer lengths she went to all on my behalf left me perplexed. We’d only been friends for about a year, so perhaps I was missing some perspective, but I’d never seen her go out of her way to help any of the other girls as much as she did for me.

Then I thought a little more. The fact that we’d only known each other for as long as we had only drove home my point. She’d known the other girls since middle school. Maybe there were things she did for them back then I wasn’t aware of. Still, that didn’t change the fact that she had done so much for me. Someone who she loathed just a year prior. Someone who was terribly mean to her for months before then. It didn’t add up. But it wasn’t my place to ask.

I wasn’t going to ask, either. Instead, I thought about another question to ask. Perhaps I could spark up a conversation and use that to push all these thoughts into the back of my mind. If nothing else, I could always try to ask one of the other girls if they knew anything later on.

“Hey, Rarity,” I began, “Have you designed your outfit for the formal yet?”

By now she’d moved on from her drawing board, her eyes scanning over a shelf of various fabrics.

“I have not,” she answered.

I was taken aback by that. How had she not come up with something yet? The thought crossed my mind that perhaps she was just going to go with what she wore last year, but Rarity would never wear an outfit twice. Especially not to the same event.

If she didn't have an outfit for herself yet, why was she designing something for me instead of herself? I could easily throw together my own ensemble before the formal. It wouldn’t be as glamorous, sure, but my personal style was pretty versatile and easy to work with. By that I mean I have tons of cool band shirts and 3 pairs of skinny jeans that range in quality from "ragged" to "sorta nice".

“How are you going to make one in time?” I inquired. “The formal is tomorrow night.”

She didn’t answer for a few seconds. Instead, she reached for a high up shelf to grab something. As she retrieved a long piece of fabric, she opened her mouth to respond.

“I’m not going,” she stated. The fanciful tone that she almost always spoke in was absent. Instead, she sounded dry and very matter-of-fact.

“What? Why?” I asked.

“I’m not going to have time to make myself an outfit, and I’m more than likely going to be awake until the morning. I’ve got one to make for Twilight as well, after all.”

I gave her a confused look. “Then make yourself something instead! Twilight and I can figure something out on our own.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, darling. This is your first date together, and I want you both to look stunning.” I would have expected some excitement in her voice, but once again her tone was mostly deadpan.

She continued to work, walking from cabinet to cupboard, grabbing tools from drawers and placing other ones back.

“If that means that you aren’t coming, we’d be fine with it. I don’t want you to miss out, and I don’t think Twilight or any of the other girls would want you to either.” I appealed.

“Sunset,” she insisted, “I’ve made up my mind, and I would appreciate it if you'd just accept my answer.”

There was something she wasn’t telling me. Rarity had reminded me the Fall Formal was coming up a week ago. I was surprised when she did, and she’d been keeping better track of the date than I had. If she was aware it was coming up so well in advance, there was no reason she shouldn’t have already made herself something.

Unless she was never planning on going to begin with.

But why? Why wouldn’t she want to come? It didn’t make any sense. All this work for me and Twilight just to not see the fruits of her labor? I couldn't accept that answer. What kind of friend would I be if I did?

“You’re one of my best friends – you’re all of our best friend. It just won’t be the same without you.”

“Sunset.” She sounded annoyed this time. “I am not going. Please just accept my answer and drop it.”

No. There was more to this than she was letting me know. I may not have questioned why she was so willing to help me, but I wasn’t going to let this go.

“I just don’t understand. If you don't want to go, then fine. Why can’t you just tell me why?”

Suddenly, she placed everything in her hands down onto the top of a nearby bureau. Then she stood still for a few seconds. The tension in the air was thick. What had her so worked up about this?

She scowled as she looked over her shoulder at me. “I am not asking you to understand. I'm not asking you anything at all. This is not a request. Stop asking me why and just drop it. After everything I’ve done to help you, the very least you can do is not interrogate me.”

Interrogate? Was that what this was to her? All I was doing was asking why she wasn’t coming to the Fall Formal. It shouldn’t be that contentious.

“I agreed not to ask why you helped me, but this is different! Why are you being so combative about this?” I contended.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she fully turned around to face me.

“You will either accept my answer and I will continue to work on this for you, or you will get out of my house and figure out your own outfit. This is not a discussion I’m having with you, Sunset. Just. Drop it.” Her glare intensified.

I’d never seen Rarity get so hostile with me, or anyone at all. Even the times in which I tried to get on her nerves, she never got this way with me. She may have seemed angry, but it was always in a jokey, light-hearted kind of way. Right now, she was genuinely angry. And it didn’t seem like she wanted to be like this.

I didn’t care. Something was wrong. Maybe I was overstepping a boundary, but I couldn’t let her do so much for me just to back down when she needed help.

I stood firmly in place. “You can do what you want, but I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s wrong.”

The room went silent as we stared each other down. As I looked in her eyes, her expression looked pained. Like the rage she was displaying was purely out of defense. I was cornering her, and this was her last warning before she lashed out.

“Are you going to make me beg? Is that what this is? Are you so hellbent on an answer to such an irrelevant question that you’d make me get down on my knees and plead for you to drop it?!” she seethed.

I flinched at her sudden increase in volume. Her voice sounded choked. My normal response to someone raising their voice at me like this was to do the same, but she looked hurt; almost fearful. I had to be calm. I needed to be delicate.

“That’s not at all what I want, Rarity. I’m just worried about you. I’ve never seen you get like this, and I don’t understand why. You helped me, now let me help you,” I said in the softest voice I could.

“You’re just going to force a confession out of me, aren’t you?” she barked.

“Rarity, please. I don’t know what you’re talking about. If there’s something wrong, I just want you to talk to me about it,” I appealed.

She growled in frustration. I could tell my attempts at placating her were a resounding failure.

“Just how much of a blithering idiot can you be?!” Tears began to flow from her eyes.

I recoiled, looking at her in shock. “What?!”

She smiled, letting out an empty laugh as she did. “Sunset, your beauty is only matched by your sheer obliviousness.”

Rarity looked away from me as she wiped away the tears in her eyes. I could hear her laugh a little more as she did. I couldn’t even begin to form a response. Instead, I just stood there, completely dumbfounded, before beginning to ask again.

"Wha–?"

She banged her fist on the bureau behind her. “I’m in love with you, you dimwitted slut!” she hissed.

Oh. Oh.

A plane could have crashed through the roof and hit me square in the stomach, and it would still have less impact on me than her words. I wasn’t even upset by her insult. It just completely stunned me. I could barely think, but with what little brainpower I could summon, I immediately started putting pieces together in my head.

“Why do you think I spent months on this with you?! Everything I did – all of it – was because I love you! I love you and I know you don’t love me! But I don’t care that you don’t love me! I just wanted to see you happy! There! Is that a good enough answer for you?! Or do I need to spell it out for you, too?! Should I draw some pictures and diagrams?!”

I felt like I should be more insulted, but I just felt bad for her. Her shouting got weaker with every word. Her voice was wavering, and I could hear her struggle not to choke as she said them. The thing that struck me the most was how familiar some of her words were. It wasn’t but a few hours ago I was shouting something incredibly similar at Twilight.

It made me feel incredibly stupid.

“Seeing you happy is what makes me happy. But now that we’re here, now that we’re at the end, I feel empty inside. How could you expect me to go to the Fall Formal?! Just the thought of seeing you happy with her instead of me is... is–”

Rarity coughed as the choking finally caught up with her. She buried her face in her hands as her back hit the bureau behind her. As it did, she slowly collapsed to the ground, her knees went up at an angle as her back slid down the drawers behind her. She curled up into a ball and sobbed loudly.

“Rarity, I–”

I could see Rarity’s eyeliner trailing down her cheeks as she looked up at me again. “And now, after this, y-you won’t need me anymore. You have the girl you’ve always wanted! And even though I gave you the storybook ending I’ve always wanted, all I’ll ever be is a footnote!” she wailed.

I was almost glad she interrupted me. There wasn’t much I could think to say to make things any better for her. I wanted to comfort her, but what was there to say?

The familiar feelings of shame and regret flowed through me once more. Everything she’d done for me flashed through my mind. All the times she would let me gush about Twilight for hours on end, all the conversations we had that would eventually gravitate back toward Twilight with no protest from her. This whole time, she was feeling the same way about me that I felt about Twilight. Yet all I could ever focus on was Twilight, so I never noticed. And I knew how awful it was to hear about someone you love talking about someone they love more than you. It was excruciating.

And I’d been doing that to her all along.

I felt so incredibly stupid. Rarity was right, I was an idiot. An oblivious one at that. It was all so painfully obvious. Maybe not at the beginning, but I should have been able to tell when she didn’t tell anyone my secret. I should have been able to tell that night she brought the wine over. I should have been able to tell a thousand times after that. She was less subtle than I was with Twilight, yet I somehow never picked up on it.

Now, because of me, she was a shriveled mess on the floor. What could I say? What could I do? There were no winning moves. There was no path forward to make her happy. All the work she’d done, and this was how I repaid her. Even when I didn’t try to, I was still exceptionally good at hurting people.

Then, an even more immense sense of guilt washed over me again. Not only was I responsible for hurting her, I was just standing here feeling sorry for myself. The girl who had spent months helping me achieve something she so desperately wanted was in so much pain, and all I could think about is how it made me feel. Just like earlier, I wanted nothing more than to run away. To turn around and never look at her or anyone else here ever again.

But I wouldn’t. Maybe I didn’t know how to make it right, but I had to try. Rarity needed me to do something. And I would be a coward to abandon her. I had to set aside my feelings. It wasn’t about me.

I approached her slowly as she continued to sob into herself. Every step I took, I’d pause for a moment before taking the next. She had been trying to recover from her hysteria for a minute or so now. Her breathing was more stable, but she was still struggling.

“Go away! Get out!” she shouted.

I winced, but I didn’t listen. I just kept walking toward her.

“Just leave me alone! I hate you!” she hissed.

I flinched again. That really hurt to hear, but I had to let it roll off. She’s just hurting right now. She doesn’t mean it.

I hope.

Finally, I was close to her. I knelt down and got on my knees. Steadily, I wrapped my arms around her, resting her head under my chin. For a few seconds, Rarity didn’t respond. She just kept crying, occasionally coughing and choking on her own throat. After half a minute or so, I felt her unravel herself as she pushed herself into me. I sat on the ground as her arms wrapped around my waist. Her face was buried in my stomach. Immediately she began to sob again.

“I’m so sorry, Rarity,” I whispered, “Just let it all out.”

And let it all out she did. I don’t know how long it was. I just sat there; holding her close and rubbing her back as she cried. I don’t know if I’d ever seen her or anyone else cry this long and hard before.

I thought back to this evening. When I was inconsolable after everything with Twilight. How she guided my breathing like I often did for her when she panicked.

I breathed deep. Inhale for seven seconds, hold for three, exhale for seven, hold for three, repeat. I did it just loud enough for her to hear me, though she could probably feel my diaphragm relax and contract from where her face rested. Eventually, Rarity caught on and tried to mimic my breathing. It took a few minutes, and there were a few moments where she relapsed, but after a while she got the hang of it.

Once her breathing was stable, she unlatched her hands from around my waist and pushed herself back up. As her face left my stomach, I looked down at my blouse. Her eyeliner had left smears of black all over it. When I looked up at her face, her cheeks looked like ink blots. I stifled a giggle, biting my tongue to do so. As I tasted blood in my mouth, I realized I bit the same spot earlier in the evening when everything happened with Twilight. If I needed to stop myself from smiling again any time soon, I might accidentally give myself a tongue piercing. I made a mental note not to do that for a few days.

Rarity sat up, crossing her legs and leaning back against the bureau again. I could tell she was embarrassed. Her swollen eyes looked everywhere around the room except at me. I looked into her eyes, though. It was a simple gesture, but I was hoping it would convey to her that I wasn’t upset at her.

Things were quiet for a little bit. I wasn’t sure exactly what to say, and I couldn’t imagine she had much either. Instead of trying to think of what to say next, I just sat there and waited for her.

“I-I’m… really sorry, Sunset,” she trembled, “I didn’t mean to get like that.”

I gave her a comforting smile. “It’s okay. I’m sorry, too. I should have dropped it before things escalated.”

She shook her head. “It’s not your fault. I knew you were oblivious. I should have known better than to think you were trying to pry a confession out of me.” She let out a half-hearted chuckle.

Then things went quiet again. She continued to look around the room.

“So,” she began, “What happens now?”

I shrugged. “I was hoping you’d be able to answer that, honestly.”

Rarity scoffed, “I’m so frazzled I probably couldn’t tell you what day of the week it is.”

I giggled. “It’s Thursday, for what it’s worth.”

That got an actual laugh out of her. “Gosh, you’re so stupid,” she joked.

Another bout of silence followed. Once again, I just sat and waited.

“I guess since my secret is out now, I can ask this: what do you think of me?” asked Rarity.

That was a hard question to answer right away. Rarity was one of my best friends, and I’ve always liked her a lot. However, it occurred to me that I’d never given much thought about what I liked about her and why. Sure, she’d done so much to help me out of the graciousness of her heart, but that didn’t really count, did it? That wasn’t what she was asking for, either.

She wanted to know how I felt about her. And after a bit of contemplation, I gave her my best answer.

“For starters, I think you’re absolutely gorgeous. Twilight says she thinks I’m the prettiest girl in school, but I think you have me beat by several miles,” I answered.

“I’m surprised you’d say that about me instead of her,” she said with an empty laugh.

I shook my head. “Twilight is cute. While not mutually exclusive, pretty and cute are two entirely different categories to me. My preferred type just happens to be cute.”

That got a smile out of her. It made me smile too. I was making up for how far behind I was on friendship points.

“Aside from that, you have a level of emotional intelligence I’ve never seen in anyone else. I know I’ve said it a few times tonight, but I still can’t believe you were right about everything. That’s seriously amazing. Just saying, I think you'd make an amazing therapist. Or psychic.”

With a blush, she chuckled and looked away. That just encouraged me to keep going.

“You’re the most caring person I’ve ever met, too. We might have been friends when this all began, but I was still kind of a jerk to you. You were just trying to help me, but I pushed you away for months because I always assumed the worst about you. At any time, you could have labeled me the same jerk you used to know and given up on me, and I wouldn’t have blamed you,” I explained.

She turned to look at me. Her expression made it seem like I’d said something offensive.

“I would never!” she exclaimed.

Up until now, everything she said had a tint of dejection. It took me by surprise how animated her response was.

“After the Fall Formal, I saw how hard you were trying to be a good friend. Not just to me, but to all of us. Often at your own expense, no less. Then, when Twilight transferred, you doubled that effort. You made her feel welcome in a way the rest of us struggled to figure out, and you did it so easily!” she asserted.

“To be fair, it’s hard not to form a bond with someone who has the extremely specific experience of turning into a magic demon,” I contested.

“Fair point, I suppose,” she surrendered.

We both got a good laugh out of that.

“Back to my main point, though: you did so much for me out of the goodness of your own heart. You didn’t have to, and it even inconvenienced you on more than one occasion. And you were doing it all knowing it meant if everything worked out, the person you loved would end up with someone else. That’s something I would never expect out of anyone,” I explained.

Rarity looked down, an empty smile on her face. “If I’m honest – and you never heard me say this – I was never absolutely sure I was right about anything.” Then she paused for a moment. “Oh, except for the fact that Twilight was a lesbian. I knew that since before you two got close.”

I chuckled. “If you’d never told me that, I’d have been none the wiser. But I appreciate the honesty.”

“It feels terrible to admit this, but as much as I love to be right, there was always a small part of me that was hoping I was wrong. The whole way through, I thought if things went terribly wrong I’d have my chance. That’s why I made the deal with you. If you and Twilight weren’t meant to be, I could finally admit my feelings. I didn’t know if you’d ever feel the same way about me, but it’d be the perfect opportunity.”

She turned to the side again, letting out a deep sigh. “I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”

I put my hand on her shoulder. “I don’t want to lead you on or anything, but if things had gone that route, I don’t doubt I’d have said yes.”

“You don’t have to worry about leading me on, darling. I’ve long since accepted that we would more than likely never be an item. I always hoped for the best, but always prepared for the worst just the same,” she replied.

I smiled at her. “For what it’s worth, I don’t doubt you’ll find a girl even better than me. It could be tomorrow, it could be a few months from now, but it will happen. You’re too good for it not to happen. When you find her, she’ll make you much happier than I could ever make you.”

She blushed again. Then, for the first time in a while, the room went quiet. After about a minute, I decided it was my turn to speak up first.

“There’s one more thing I wanted to address,” I remarked.

She looked me in the eye. “What is it, darling?”

“You said I won't need you anymore, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Just because Twilight and I are together now doesn’t mean I won’t need you. If anything, I need you now more than ever. Do you know how many girls I’ve dated? None! And you, more than anyone, know how clueless and oblivious I am.”

She looked away again and let out an uncomfortable laugh. In hindsight, that probably wasn’t the best thing to say at the moment.

“But even if you don’t want to help me, that’s fine too. You’ve done more than enough for me, and I couldn’t ask for any more than you’ve already given me. I don’t just need you because you’re helpful – I need you because you’re Rarity. You’re my best friend. I haven’t spent this much time with you just for me to give it all up now. You said it yourself: we have history.”

Rarity looked toward me and smiled. Whew, what a recovery.

“Thank you, Sunset. Even if we can’t be together, I still feel so lucky to have you in my life.”

I leaned forward and hugged her. “And thank you, Rarity. I feel just as lucky to have you, too.”

We held that hug for a few minutes. It felt just like it did with Twilight. Neither of us wanted to pull away. But I knew it was getting late, and tomorrow was a big day. Once again, I had to be the one to get things moving. I pulled away and stood up, and she followed my motions not long after.

“I hope you don’t mind, but I probably won’t be able to finish your outfit in time for the Fall Formal,” she said apologetically.

I shook my head. “Not a problem. I’ve got an idea for an outfit for myself, and Twilight prefers to keep things modest anyway. Plus, you’ve got to make something for yourself, right?” I said with a wink.

She looked around her room. Not aimlessly like when we were sitting on the floor. This time, she was thinking.

“If I want any hope of sleeping tonight, I’ll more than likely just have to make edits to last year’s outfit. But I think I’ll manage,” she confirmed.

She smiled, and I smiled back. Then we stood there silently for a bit. I looked into her eyes, and she looked into mine. As we stared, I got a crazy idea. One that could totally backfire. One that might not be the right thing to do. Twilight may not be that happy about it, and Rarity might outright reject it, but for the first time in a long time, I gave in to an impulse.

“I’m so sorry if this is weird,” I quickly remarked.

“Wh–”

That was all Rarity could say before I grabbed her and pulled her into me. As she stumbled forward, our lips met. At first she was surprised, but as she realized what I’d done, she began to relax. I held that moment for as long as she wanted to. After a few seconds, though, she pulled away. I followed her motion.

“Wh– I just– Uhm…” she stammered. Rarity’s face was burning up as she stepped back.

“I’m… really sorry if that was inappropriate.” I apologized.

For a few moments she just stood there in a blushing stupor. For the first time I could remember, Rarity – Rarity of all people – was completely speechless. No smartass comments. No witty retort. Just dizziness and stuttering.

“Th-That wasn't, uhm… I-It… th-thank you.” Rarity smiled wide, the redness of her cheeks was visible under the stains of her eyeliner.

I gave her a few moments to snap out of her trance and regain her composure.

“I’m gonna go ahead and bounce now,” I said, “Unless you want me to stick around a little while longer?”

“That’s fine, darling. I’ll be okay. Besides, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. I don’t care if it makes you late for school, you’d better get enough sleep!” she exclaimed.

“Sure thing, mom,” I prodded. She stuck her tongue out at me.

I waved as I made my way out the door. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow!”

“See you then, dear!” She waved back, immediately turning back toward her work materials once more.

When I’d arrived at Rarity’s, I’d felt full of a seemingly infinite amount of energy. As I made my way out her front door and to her driveway, I felt the exhaustion of everything that had happened through the day catch up with me. The rollercoaster of emotions I had, both with Twilight and now this, made my brain feel like it had been sitting in a deep fryer for a few days. As I sighed, I almost doubled over in pain. I could really feel how bruised my ribs were now.

I got on my bike and started making the ride home. I was grateful for the fact that Rarity lived closer to me than Twilight did. There were no highways to ride on, no exits to take. Just navigating the streets of Canterlot City. At this time of night, hardly anyone was driving. The streets were clear, and I could maintain the speed limit without the push and pull of traffic acting as an obstacle.

It wasn’t long before I pulled into the familiar, dingy parking lot that sat behind my apartment complex. An ugly sight to behold. Considering my exhaustion though, it was very welcome. I parked my bike, put my helmet away, struggled up the stairs and unlocked the door to my apartment. As the door shut behind me and I locked it again, I felt an immense relief. Home at last.

The final hurdle before me and the rest I so desperately needed was just a handful of yards and a ladder away. I undressed myself as I walked toward the loft my bed sat upon. Every rung of the ladder was twice as hard to climb as the next. Once I finally rose to the top, I faceplanted onto the bed. I should have felt relieved that I’d finally made it. However, I could feel all the nerves in my abdominal area light up at once.

Right. I tripped. How could I forget?

I flipped over onto my back, lazily tossing my blanket over my body. One of my legs was still exposed, but I didn’t care enough to fix it. Moving was too hard. Thinking was too hard. Everything was too hard.

I knew it wouldn’t take me too long to fall asleep, but for the last few moments I was still awake, the events of the day began to pass through my head. As stressful as it all was, I was still very happy. Tomorrow, I’d go to school and get to see my girlfriend again. Later that day, I’d get to take her out to our first date. I was so excited, and even in my exhaustion, I still felt giddy as the words "my girlfriend" passed through my head over and over.

For once, everything felt good. Except for my abdomen, of course. Falling onto the surface of my plush bed a few seconds ago was still more than enough to remind me of my bruises from when I kissed the concrete.

But I also kissed two girls. All in all, I’d say that’s a pretty fair trade.

Author's Note

Apologies if this isn't the ending you wanted for Rarity, but it's the one that worked best for everyone in my mind.

This is the penultimate chapter! (9/15/22 EDIT: Or, it was until I wrote the next one) That means there's one more left to go. That said, I have a silly little epilogue I want to write after that too, but I don't know if it'll be ready immediately after the next chapter. The final chapter will be out soon, though!

Also, unrelated to anything, but this chapter pushes this story to the highest word count of anything I've ever written. Yay me!

1/23/23 EDIT: Thanks again to EileenSaysHi for editing this chapter! This one in particular needed quite a bit of work.

As always, thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

10 – Loose Ends, Tied in Knots

*Minor CW for homophobia and slurs.

Anxiety is a concept I’ve only recently become familiar with. If you’d seen my actions over the past six months, you probably wouldn’t believe that, but it’s the truth. At one point in my life, I was so impulsive that I never had time to feel anxious. I would never say this to anyone, but it’s honestly one of the few things I miss about being the old me. There was never a reason to worry when I lived without consideration for the repercussions of my actions.

Now, it’s something I’ve become intimately close to. There’s rarely a moment where I’m not anxious about one thing or another. Even if I know worrying won't do me any good, I’ll still do it. It’s an impossible feeling to stop. It doesn’t listen to reason, it cannot be proven wrong; it just exists, and I have to live with it persisting for the rest of forever.

It feels bad to say this, but I take comfort in the fact I know several people who have it much worse than I do. For instance, Fluttershy is wracked with anxiety to a degree that’s impossible for me to fathom. Before we became friends, I thought there might have been something horribly traumatic she’d been through to make her like that. Both she and Rainbow Dash have since told me that she has no dark past – she’s just always been that way. It wasn’t like I took issue with how nervous she was, though. If anything, it made me appreciate her more. If I lived my life like that, I’d have gone crazy by now. Yet she carries on, battling through it every day.

Twilight, my beloved, is another good example. I thought Princess Twilight was an anxious wreck when we first got close – and she is, don’t get it twisted. But then I met this world’s Twilight Sparkle, and she makes the princess seem like a zen master. My Twilight is simply too smart for her own good. However, as smart as she is, Occam's razor is a completely foreign concept to her. Simple explanations do not cut it because of the fact that they’re simple. She can pull facts from all sorts of disparate subjects and rationalize the irrational. Luckily for her, she has me to keep her grounded.

While I’m grateful I don’t suffer from that much anxiety, that hasn’t done anything to put my mind at ease at the moment. It's hard to think of anything that could relieve me. 5:01 PM, and I’ve been pacing back and forth in my apartment. I was already completely dressed and ready for the Fall Formal, yet it wouldn’t begin for another two and a half hours.

I arrived home from school about an hour and a half ago. When I did, I immediately started getting ready. I hopped in the shower, then spent almost an hour making sure my hair was extra perfect. Those two things alone took me longer than any other part of getting ready.

The hardest part of picking out my outfit was choosing which one of my band shirts to wear, and that wasn’t very hard at all. I just picked the one that represented my favorite band, which just so happened to be the one with the biggest graphic and the brightest, gaudiest mix of colors. Rarity will undoubtedly be upset at my lack of color coordination, but I have my own set of priorities.

Everything else was easy. My best pair of skinny jeans, my coolest pair of boots, and of course my leather jacket were all I really needed. After that, I was all set to go.

That was 20 minutes ago. Yet somehow it feels like it was several hours ago.

I’d run out of distractions by this point, too. When I initially threw on my jacket, I actually took it back off a moment later and unscrewed some of the studs and spikes on the collar and shoulders. I didn’t know how touchy Twilight would be tonight, but I figured I might as well leave those off in case she wanted to hug me. I’d just have to fill my outfit spike quota with the ones on my choker.

Then I put it back on and sat down on the couch. As I did, my mind began to wander, and that’s when the anxiety started to mount. At first, I was just anxious about the fact that this was me and Twilight’s first date together, but my mind wasn’t about to stop there.

Earlier today, before lunch, Twilight and I discussed how we wanted to present our relationship to our friends. She told me she wasn’t comfortable with telling all the girls yet, but would work herself up before tonight. Rarity knew about me and Twilight, but none of the rest of our friends did. In fact, no one else in the school did. Almost everyone knew I was bi, and I wasn’t worried about what anyone thought of me. But this would be Twilight’s first time being out to anyone.

How would she handle our friends knowing she was gay? How would she handle the whole school becoming aware? Would she be able to work herself up enough in time? If she couldn’t, did that mean she would ask me to keep public affection to a minimum? Of course I would if she asked, but it would seriously bum me out. Our first night together as a couple, and I couldn’t even express how much I love her?

Would the rest of our friends approve of our relationship? Again, they knew about my sexuality, but what would they think of the fact that I was with Twilight? This is something I’d worried about for a while now. Ever since Rarity mentioned our dynamic a few months ago, it’s been on my mind. I was loud and outgoing, and she was meek and shy. Would they believe I actually loved her, or would they think I was taking advantage of her because of our power dynamic?

Speaking of Rarity, how was she going to feel tonight? Despite how last night went, she seemed perfectly normal at school all day. But Twilight and I also weren’t all over each other like I know I would like to be tonight. Would she be able to hold herself together? What would I do in the event she had another breakdown? If she left early, would Rarity want me to keep my mouth shut as to why, or explain it to the girls? How would she even want me to explain it?

I got up and started pacing when my mind arrived at a subject I was really hoping it wouldn’t. While most of what me and Twilight discussed before lunch was how we wanted to handle presenting our relationship to our friends, there was something else I’d asked her. It was about Timber, and the moment I said his name, she became very uncomfortable.

Before I left her house the night before, I asked her to message Timber in the morning and tell him she wasn’t going with him. I told her I didn’t care if she lied about whether or not she was going with me, but that she should tell him she’s not interested. Tell him not to show up at the formal, and definitely not to show up at her house, and then block his number.

When I asked her to do this, I tried to be as gentle and accommodating as possible. I told her to do it in the middle of the night if she’s afraid of him responding before she can block his number. I told her to say she’s not feeling well if she wants to give him a reason she’s not going, then ghost him. Any suggestion I could think of, I gave to her. All I asked was that she do it.

So when I asked her this morning whether or not she did, she gave me the most unconvincing answer. When I asked if she was sure, she shriveled up, but continued to express she had done what I asked. I could tell she was afraid I would get mad at her, so I didn’t press her beyond that. Throughout the rest of the day, I did my best not to agonize over the fact that, more than likely, she hadn’t done what I asked. Eventually, I was able to push it to the back of my mind.

However, now I can’t. If Twilight hadn’t told him, there was a high probability of a confrontation between me and him tonight. If I knew when or where it would be, or if it would even happen at all, I probably wouldn’t be so stressed out. But if he was going to show up, he would have the element of surprise.

It’s not like I was afraid of him. I wasn’t buff, but I wasn’t weak. Between the two of us, I think I had a couple inches over on him. And I knew how to fight. Even if my ribs had developed a huge bruise from yesterday, I’d still be able to take him down if it meant protecting Twilight. If he showed up, there was no outcome that ended in his favor.

There were two words that stressed me out more than anything, though. “If” and “when”. If I knew whether or not he’d show up at all, I could be prepared. And if I knew when he was going to show up, I could plan around that. Since I couldn’t know either, this meant that for every moment he didn’t show up, he could be there the next. The worst part is: this could happen anywhere between Twilight's house and CHS. This was going to hang over my head the whole night. I simply hated the fact that my first date could be marred by worrying about that the entire time only for nothing to happen.

If nothing else, it gave me the foresight to bring my lighter and my cigarettes. I hadn’t touched them since Twilight broke up with Timber. If he showed up, I didn’t know what I’d do to him, but whatever it was I knew I’d need a smoke break after the fact. I’d just have to hide them in one of the bags on my motorcycle.

As I paced the length of my coffee table, I heard my phone buzz. It was on the charger, sitting on my desk. As I walked up to it and looked at the notification, I saw Twilight’s name. Every time I saw her name with the little purple heart emoji in my notifications, the stupidest grin would spread across my face.

As I read the message, my smile quickly disappeared.

Twilight💜 | 5:16 PM

Hey, Sunny? Would you mind coming
by a little early? I wanted to talk to you
about something.

It was probably nothing to be worried about, but considering my already elevated stress level, reading that message made my heart sink into my stomach. Nevertheless, I replied with a quick “omw” and slipped my phone into my pocket. Once I did, I grabbed my keys and my wallet. I patted myself down to make sure I had everything I needed on me, and once I was sure I made my way out of my apartment.

I replaced the helmet in the motorcycle bag with my lighter and the pack of cigarettes. As I strapped my helmet on, my thoughts began to race even faster. The words “I want to talk to you about something” rarely preceded anything good. My saving grace was the fact that my mind was already at capacity. Considering the events of the day, I couldn’t really think of anything bad she’d want to talk about. Except for one thing. But I was trying really hard not to think about that one thing.

As I pulled out onto the road, I did my best to clear my mind and focus on the road. Trying to predict what it was that she wanted to talk about wasn’t worth it. I could come up with a million answers, and more than likely they’d all be wrong. It was better for me to focus on the road than it was to wrack my brain trying to hopelessly guess what the issue was.

Unfortunately, I am burdened with the ability to think of multiple things at once. And while I tried to reason with myself, I was reminded: anxiety does not listen to reason. Somehow I still managed to weave through rush hour traffic without incident. Usually when I weaved through traffic like that, I’d immediately start worrying about a cop being nearby, but my worry capacity was thoroughly maxed out. I just needed to get to Twilight.

Before I knew it, I was pulling off on the exit close to her neighborhood. All that was between me and my love was an intersection and a handful of stop signs. The closer I got to her house, the more my anxiety seemed to fade. Even if I wasn’t sure what she wanted to talk to me about, even if I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with Timber, I was going to be with Twilight soon. And Twilight made everything better.

Finally her driveway was in sight. I stood up off the bike and placed my helmet on the seat before power-walking to her door. Before I could even make it there, she opened it and greeted me with a wave. I ran up and hugged her, and she hugged me tight.

No matter how many times we’ve done this, it fills me with so much life. Twilight is my girlfriend. I get to do this any time I want because she lets me! Because she loves me! Life is kinda cool sometimes.

“That was quick,” remarked Twilight, “How’d you get ready so fast?”

Twilight led us through the front door and toward the staircase to her room. “Oh, you know. I started getting ready the moment I got to my apartment and finished way before I needed to be,” I said with a chuckle.

She turned around, walking backwards down the hall as she giggled. “I thought I was the one who got ready for things too early.”

I just smiled at her as she turned back around right before reaching the doorway to her room. As we entered, I looked over at her mirror. All the pictures I’d seen in that stack lined the sides of the mirror. I knew it!

A sly grin spread across my lips. “Say, when did you put up all those pictures of us?” I said, coyly.

“Oh, I just put them up today!” she answered as she sat down on the bed. I don’t think she picked up on my tone.

“Really?” I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm this time, “Just today, huh?”

As I sat down next to her, I could see her cheeks turn red. She kept trying to say something, but she was getting so flustered. I’d barely been there a few minutes and she was already melting my heart.

“You forgot to hide them the day I copied your trigonometry notes last week.” I pulled her into another hug. “You’re way too cute, you know that?”

“I’m noooot,” she whined. She knew she was, though, the little liar.

I relaxed my embrace. “You know, when I saw that the first time, I ran a calculation in my head to see what percent of those pictures were just us. I think the number I came up with was 71 percent. Does that sound right to you?”

Twilight looked over at the mirror above the dresser. Her forehead wrinkled as the calculator in her brain ran through the equation.

“The ratio is ten to fourteen, so that’s close enough to the actual answer. However, 71.428 is the most precise percentage I can come up with in my head. If you count the two pictures at Camp Everfree as well, which I chose specifically because we were standing next to one another, the ratio becomes twelve to fourteen, and 85.714 is the percentage.”

I couldn’t help but smile at her. When she saw this, she got flustered again. “B-But your answer is good enough! Anything after the decimal is extraneous, anyway.”

I couldn’t help but squeeze her again. “Like I said: too cute.”

She whimpered in protest at me as she hugged me back. After we pulled away, things went quiet for a little bit. Considering Twilight wasn’t bringing anything up, I figured she was trying to work up the nerve to bring up whatever it is she needed to speak to me about. With that, I decided to rip the bandage off for her.

“So… what was it that you wanted to talk about?” I inquired.

“Right! Yeah, that…” The smile that had been upon Twilight’s face since I arrived quickly faded into dejection. “Just… promise you won’t be mad, okay?”

“Of course.” I grabbed her hand and held onto it. “You can tell me anything, Twilight.”

“I… uhm, well…” she kept stammering for a few moments. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then she did the same after.

“I… didn’t tell Timber anything,” she admitted.

I knew in the back of my mind this was what this had to be about. It was irritating to hear, but I wasn’t mad at her. I didn’t show my irritation either, I just nodded and let her continue.

“I know you told me to, and I’m really sorry for not doing what you said, but I just–”

I leaned toward her and pulled her into another hug. I wasn’t going to make her explain herself to me.

“Shh, don’t worry about it. I kind of figured that out on my own after I asked this morning at school,” I assured.

As she pulled away, she looked up at me. “So, you’re not mad at me?”

I shook my head. “I’m not. Not in the slightest,” I answered, “I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to that jerkoff. Though, I would like to know why, if you don’t mind me asking.”

She turned away from me and shrugged. “It’s hard to say. Every time I tried to work myself up to do it, I’d get too anxious and stop myself. I wish I’d done it, though. He’s been trying to text me since this morning.”

Twilight sighed as she pulled out her phone. She navigated to her recent calls list.

“Before I texted you, this is how many times he tried to call. I didn’t pick up on any of them. I just blocked the number.” Twilight handed her phone to me.

I didn’t count how many times he’d called, but the number of times I saw his name on this list was enough to tell me it was far too many. I knitted my brow as I passed the phone back to her.

“I-I’m sorry.” Twilight curled into herself.

I put my arm around her. “I’m not mad at you, but I’m pissed at him,” I said. She relaxed a little after that. “Do you want me to call him and tell him not to bother you anymore?”

Twilight shook her head. “I just wanted you to be aware of that. I don’t know if he’s going to show up or anything, but I figured you should know just in case.”

“And if he shows up?” I asked. Twilight looked up at me with a little confusion in her expression. When she didn’t answer, I followed up my question with another. “How do you want me to handle it?”

She was quiet for a few seconds as she looked away again. “I don’t know. How would you want to handle it?”

I chuckled, as I wasn't sure she'd like how I'd respond if I was being earnest. “Don’t ask questions you aren’t prepared to handle the answers to,” I said, half-jokingly. The concern on her face as she looked back up at me told me the “joking” part of my answer fell completely flat.

“What do you mean? You wouldn’t hurt him, would you?” she asked.

I wanted to respond with my previous answer, but I refrained. Then I wanted to tell her just how badly I did want to hurt him, but I restrained myself. I needed to choose my words wisely. Twilight’s eyes followed me as I stood up and walked to the window in her room. As I stared outside in contemplation, I sighed.

“I’m going to be totally honest, but if at any point you feel uncomfortable with my answer, I want you to stop me.” I briefly turned toward her. When I did, she silently nodded.

I turned back toward the window. “Hearing his name is enough to piss me off. I haven’t seen his face since camp, but if I did I know I’d have a really hard time not starting something.” I paused for a second to choose my next words carefully. “If he shows up tonight, I’ll tell him off. If he leaves peacefully, then we’ll be good. If he gets ugly, I’ll get uglier. And if he gets anywhere near you, I can’t guarantee I won’t be expelled from school or in jail by the end of the night.”

A few seconds of silence went by. I looked back at Twilight who had turned her face away from me and toward the wall. I kept staring as I waited for a reply. When she didn’t say anything, I decided to explain myself.

“I don’t mean to frighten you, and I don’t want to get violent. If he were just a shitty boyfriend, I might not feel like this. But I heard how he treated you, and I saw what he did to you afterward. Maybe it didn’t involve me, but now that we’re together, this is personal.” I asserted.

After a few seconds of silence, Twilight nodded and looked at me again. “Just promise me you won’t resort to violence first.”

I looked down and held my hand up. “That’s all you had to say.” I looked back up at her. "I promise." She smiled, and I smiled back at her.

As things got quiet again, I thought about what happened at Rarity’s the night before. If we were confessing things, I suppose now would be the best time to bring this up. I took a deep breath.

“There’s something I wanted to talk about, too.”

Twilight looked over at me with an attentive look on her face.

“Last night, after I left, I went to Rarity’s house. She was going to start work on outfits for both of us, but, as you’re probably already aware, she wasn’t able to do that.”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, she already told me about that during first period. I don’t mind, honestly. I’d rather dress myself.”

“Well, there's a reason she wasn't able to finish ours in time,” I continued. Twilight raised an eyebrow.

“I asked if she had an outfit prepared for herself, but she said she didn’t. When I asked why, she told me it was because she wasn’t going. When I tried to ask why she wasn’t going, she got really combative. This is the part that’s weird to talk about.”

Twilight just kept staring as I sighed. “Rarity has been helping me with my crush on you since the night of the sleepover, and the reason why is because she’s been in love with me for months. So now that we're together, she wasn’t going to come to the Fall Formal because it hurt too much to see us.”

“But she said she’d see us tonight before we left sch–?” Twilight began to question before the rest of that sentence finished processing. “Oh…”

“Yeah.” I said solemnly. The room went quiet for a few seconds.

Eventually Twilight was the one to break the ice again. “So… umm… what happened, then?”

“Rarity got upset when I kept asking why she wasn’t going, and by the time she confessed, she was hysterical. I calmed her down eventually, and we talked it out,” I answered.

Twilight looked worried. “D-Do you have feelings for her?”

I shook my head. “Rarity is a wonderful friend, and I’m forever indebted to her for helping me to win you over, but I’ve honestly never thought about her like that.”

“I see.” Weirdly enough, Twilight looked saddened by my answer.

I took another deep breath. “Once I got her calm enough, I let her get everything out in the open. She was afraid I wouldn’t need her anymore now that we’re together, but I had to remind her we were best friends for reasons beyond her helping me. And this is the part I wanted to mention to you.”

Twilight stared at me with anticipation. I could feel her eyes drilling into me as the seconds ticked by. No amount of bracing could prepare me for whatever impact I was about to face, but I steeled myself to the best of my ability.

“I kissed her before we left.” I said as I closed my eyes.

Twilight kept staring. Her expression didn’t change for the first few seconds. Then she looked perplexed. “That’s it?”

I opened my eyes and looked at her. “Umm… yeah. I wanted to make her feel better, and I'm fairly certain it worked.”

“Oh. That's so sweet of you, Sunny!” she cheerfully responded.

My expression changed from anxious to shocked. “Wait, you’re not mad? Why aren't you mad?”

“Why? Do you want me to be?" Twilight giggled. "It’s just a kiss! Besides, we've kissed more, so my score is higher than hers. I’m winning!” she joked.

I let out a nervous laugh, then she started laughing too. As dumbstruck as I was from Twilight’s apathetic reaction, I was immensely relieved.

Twilight got up and walked over to me, hugging me tight once more. “I appreciate your honesty, Sunny. That really means a lot.”

“Anything for you, Twilight.” I hugged her back, pulling away just enough to kiss her.

Once we pulled away from each other, I fished my phone out of my pocket and turned the screen on to read the time.

I looked back up at Twilight. “I don’t know if you’re ready or not, but if you’re not, you’d better get moving. We’ve got an hour before we have to leave.”

“An hour?!” she cried out. Twilight immediately stood up from the bed. “I still have to shower and everything!”

She sheepishly looked over to me, still standing in the middle of her room. “Umm, do you mind waiting downstairs while I do that real quick?”

I nodded and walked toward her. “Not a problem, but you owe me something first.”

Without another word, she threw herself into me and I squeezed her. Of course, she squeaked, which made me squeeze her so hard I picked her up. She laughed and squealed as she kicked her legs in the air. As I placed her down, I knelt down toward her. She leaned into me, her lips meeting with mine for the briefest of wonderful moments.

“I’ll be quick!” she said as she made her way to the bathroom down the hall.

I nodded as I walked toward the stairs. “Take your time! Yell for me when you’re done, and if I don’t respond just text me. I might go sit outside.”

“Gotcha!” she shouted back.

Walking down the steps, it occurred to me how many times we’d hugged and kissed since we’ve been together. It’s only been a day, and already I’ve lost count. When she broke up with Timber, I remember her saying she wasn’t very touchy. At first, I thought I might be too pushy. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized she was just as physically affectionate as I was. Apparently, she was even keeping score of how many kisses we shared. I decided not to think about it. As long as she didn’t express discomfort, I would love her and let her love me as much as we could.

As I walked out onto her front porch, I made a beeline for my bike. I was good at concealing it, but talking about Timber stressed me out much more than I liked to admit. Already being so nervous about everything else, I needed a cigarette. Hopefully Twilight wouldn’t smell it on me afterwards. I’d done a good job keeping my promise to her of quitting since the last time, but everything going on was so much. I just needed a little reprieve.

I pulled my pack and lighter out of the bag, slipping one of my smokes between my lips. Holding my hand in front of the tip of the rod, I flicked the spark wheel of the lighter. As I heard the familiar sound of ignition, I breathed in. Immediately I could feel a soothing feeling spread through my nerves from my chest to the rest of my body. I loved that feeling, and hated that I loved it even more.

At first I wanted to lean against my bike, but I quickly realized any ash I dropped onto the concrete driveway would expose the fact that I’d been smoking. So I elected to stand next to the lawn instead. Every time I flicked some ash off, it would be obscured by the dirt and grass below. I wasn’t as concerned with Twilight seeing it – she was probably going to smell it on me anyway. No, I was worried about her parents coming home later tonight and seeing it. If they knew I smoked, our relationship may not last that long. I wasn't worried about her neighbors seeing me, though. This is a rich people neighborhood. They don't talk to each other – they don't even like each other.

It was getting very close to being dark outside already anyway. That made me wonder how I appeared to Twilight’s neighbors as I took another puff. I’m sure I looked every bit as out of place as I felt. The thought of someone looking at me through their third story window, clutching their pearls at the sight of a teenager smoking made me chuckle to myself. I didn’t think I looked cool or anything. I wasn’t trying to look like a bad girl, but I knew that was the impression I gave off.

No, I wasn’t a bad girl. Not anymore, at least. I reflected on where I was at this moment a year ago. Right around now, I was getting ready for this same event. It was going to be the day I assumed absolute power. The day Sunset Shimmer would bring this world and all others down to its knees in obedience. I was so sure everything was going to go my way. I’d finally have all the power I could ever dream of, and nothing would stand before me. It almost happened, too.

Thank Celestia it didn’t.

Life has become a lot more boring since a year ago, if you don’t count the magical mishaps that have happened along the way. I appreciated that, though. As much anxiety as I felt about the little things, it was nice to enjoy the peaceful moments like this. I tossed the butt of my cigarette into one of the bags on my bike as I lit up another. Then I walked to the waist-high fence that surrounded Twilight’s property. My eyes scanned over the row of houses in front of me. Occasionally, my eyes would be drawn to a pair of headlights as they slowly strolled through the neighborhood streets.

At least that’s what most of them had done. It was hard to tell due to how dark it was getting, but what looked like a dark green truck slowed down as it pulled up to the sidewalk in front of Twilight’s house. That couldn’t be, could it?

The truck kept slowing until it came to a complete halt. The driver killed the engine, and the headlights went out soon after. At first I thought maybe that was one of her parents, or maybe her brother. I hoped it was. I didn’t want to explain why I was smoking on their property, but it would be much easier to manage than what I knew was coming. But that wouldn’t have made any sense. They would have parked in the driveway.

Of course, as the driver seat door opened and shut, and the driver came walking around the corner, I immediately knew who it was. It’d been a while since we last met, but I recognized that face instantly.

It was Timber.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. If nothing else, this was the ideal scenario for us to meet under. Twilight was busy getting ready, so she wouldn’t have to hear or see this, and we weren’t at school. If he wanted to get ugly, he’d have to hop the fence. That’d mean he’s trespassing, and I’m not. I’d be in the clear to do whatever needs to be done.

But I’d made a promise to Twilight. I wasn’t going to swing. Not unless he did first. Most of me hoped it wouldn’t come to that, but a sick part of me was praying it did. I had weeks of pent-up aggression ready to let loose.

At first his eyes were turned toward Twilight’s driveway as he aggressively walked forward. Then he spotted me and began to move in my direction. Eventually, we were nearly face to face, with him standing on the opposite side of the brick fence.

“Hey, do you live here?” he asked me. I guess he didn’t recognize me. Either that, or he was pretending not to.

“Maybe.” I took a drag of my cigarette.

“I don’t think you do,” He looked at me with contempt.

“Can I help you?” I kept my voice as dry as possible.

“This is the Sparkle residence, right?” he inquired. I just shrugged. He knit his eyebrows as he got a closer look at me.

“Oh, you. I know who you are,” he remarked, “You’re Twilight’s dyke friend, aren’t you?”

If I had been taking another puff, I might have started choking. Instead, I let out a hearty laugh. I could tell he meant for that to be insulting, but it was just funny to me. People at CHS have called me slurs before, but that was a new one. I didn’t think I gave off that vibe.

“Yep, that’s the one,” I replied sarcastically. I could see the frustration in his eyes when I wasn’t offended.

He scowled at me. “So I take it you’re the reason she’s not responding to my calls, then?”

I chuckled. “No, but I know who is.”

Timber raised an eyebrow. When he didn’t answer after a few seconds, I just pointed at him. He grumbled in frustration at the gesture.

“Look, I don’t know why you’re here, but this doesn’t involve you, so why don’t you leave before I call the cops on you for trespassing,” he asserted.

Everything this guy said was comedy gold. I wanted to bite my tongue to limit how much I laughed, but I remembered not to. Besides, he deserved to be laughed at.

“What the hell are you talking about, dude? She invited me over. I’m taking her to the formal.” A smug grin spread across my face as I took another puff. “Not you,” I prodded as I blew smoke in his face.

Timber scoffed as he waved the smoke away. “Bullshit. Just because she’s friends with you doesn’t mean she munches carpet too.”

I started cackling at him. “Really, dude?! How are you this bad at homophobia?” I flicked the ashes of my cigarette at him and he jumped back. "Do better." I laughed even more as I saw him gritting his teeth. Was I supposed to be intimidated by a guy who just flinched at cigarette ashes?

When I finally stopped laughing, I just smirked at him. “Look, I’ll level with you here. This is embarrassing. You are embarrassing. Quit while you’re this far behind. Go home, forget about Twilight, move on with your life so we can move on with ours, ‘kay?”

I could see in his face he wasn’t about to budge. If anything, he looked like he was moments away from swinging. That sick part of me that wanted him to try and hit me started getting louder.

“You sure talk a lot of shit," he snapped, "I was gonna say I don’t hit girls, but judging by that deep-ass voice of yours, I don’t think I have to worry."

Up until now, I’d been trying to remain cool and calm. However, that was a threat. I don’t think he realized he was putting himself in more danger than he was putting me. Still, it was hard to take him seriously. I squinted at him, taking one last drag of my cigarette before I flicked the butt at him. As it bounced off his chest, I could tell he'd had enough. He angrily walked toward the entrance to the driveway again until I began to speak.

“Look, Timber, I’m only gonna say this once. You come around this fence, this won’t end well for you. Twilight has told me everything you’ve done, and I’ve seen and heard the horrible things you’ve said to her. If it weren’t for her holding me back, I’d have laid your ass out weeks ago,” I warned.

I could see him hesitate, so I kept going. “Even if by some miracle you manage to take me down, Twilight doesn’t love you. She doesn’t like you. She never has, and she never will.”

He started walking again, but when he got to the entrance I kept talking. “Do you think you’ll be going home tonight if you fight me?” I gestured at the row of houses behind him and all around us. “I bet you anything we’re being watched right now. This is a rich neighborhood, too. The instant things turn violent, there’ll be cops swarming all around us. And who do you think they’re going to side with?”

The look of pure rage on his face was priceless. I couldn’t help but laugh at him again.

“I-It was him, officer Shining Armor!” I mock-whined. “That’s the man who trespassed in you and your sister's yard and tried to get in a fight with me for no reason! I only beat him unconscious out of self-defense!”

He stood still. His face didn't show his rage anymore, but I could still feel it.

“Face it, dude. The only way you get out of this is if you turn your fruity little ass around, get back in your truck, and fuck off. If you still want to try something, go for it. Consider what I’m saying right now my favor to you, because I’d love nothing more than for you to come over here and embarrass yourself even more,” I concluded.

I could hear him growl in frustration. After a few seconds, he turned back around and started walking towards his truck. “Whatever. Fuck Twilight and fuck you too, dyke.”

I wasn’t going to let him have the last word. Especially not one as weak as that.

As he walked down the sidewalk to his truck, I cupped my hands around my mouth. “Just remember, you’re such a shit boyfriend you turned your girlfriend into a lesbian!” I shouted, “Have fun living with that, loser!”

I saw him flip me off as he yanked his truck door open. The engine came alive as he slammed the door behind him, and in just a few moments, he was gone. Hopefully for good. As I watched him speed down the road, I wondered if his sister had a social profile. Maybe I could send her a message and show her all the nasty shit her brother had been up to. I’m sure she’d love to know.

I walked over to my bike and placed the pack of cigarettes and the lighter into the bag. Upon walking back into Twilight’s house, I felt awash with a sense of satisfaction. Timber would no longer be hanging above our heads, and soon I’d get to tell Twilight all about what happened. The best part is: she didn’t have to be present for any of it. Even if we just exchanged words, I know that altercation would have stressed her out real bad. Things couldn’t have worked out any better than they had.

Triumphantly, I took a seat on the couch in her living room. The fact that I had so much to tell her made the wait feel that much longer. I was getting a little nervous that we were going to be late as I looked down at my phone. It was 6:49 PM, and we needed to leave in just under 20 minutes if we were going to make it on time.

As that thought passed through my mind, I heard Twilight from upstairs. “Okay, you can come back up now!” she shouted.

As I stood up from my seat and made my way to the stairs, there was a spring in my step. Not only was I excited to tell her everything, but I was also excited to see how she looked. It wasn’t long before I turned the corner of her doorway. When I saw her, I gasped.

It wasn’t because of her outfit. Twilight preferred modesty in almost every aspect of her life, and her outfit was pretty tame. She wore an argyle sweater vest over a white blouse. Underneath that was a black pair of pants that went down to her boots. As humbly as she dressed, I certainly wasn’t complaining. It was still cute! Plus, I had no room to talk, considering I was dressing like it was any other day myself.

What made me gasp was her hair. I told her the night before that I always preferred seeing her with her hair down, and that’s exactly how she wore it. Twilight’s hair was almost always in a ponytail or a bun out of preference, so I could only imagine she’d done that just for me.

That wasn’t the only reason for my gasp, though. One of my favorite hoodies, one with a gray and red striped pattern, had gone missing weeks ago. And as I looked her over, I realized where it went.

“You stole my hoodie?!” I yelled.

“I-I didn’t mean to!” she frantically replied, “You just let me wear it one day. So when you didn’t ask for it back I kept it because it’s cute and really warm and also it kindasortasmellslikeyou.” She started looking away halfway through her explanation, her voice getting faster and quieter with every word. My heart was on the verge of bursting.

“Ugh! You are too cute!” Naturally, I ran up to her and hugged her as tight as I could. “You cannot keep doing this to me! I am too young for a heart attack!”

I could hear her giggle as she hugged me back, her face buried in my chest. Everything she did melted my heart. As I pulled away, she was smiling wide and blushing bright. It was almost enough to make me forget I had to tell her about Timber.

“By the way, Timber won’t be an issue for the foreseeable future,” I stated gleefully.

The smile drained from her face upon hearing Timber’s name. “What? Really? How?”

The smug grin from earlier returned to my face. “He was mad you weren’t responding, and while I was standing outside, he showed up in front of your house.”

Twilight immediately looked worried, “Oh no.”

I held up my hand. “Don’t worry. Nothing happened. He almost came after me, but I talked him out of it.”

“You did?!” Twilight looked shocked.

My brow furrowed as I pursed my lips. “Could you at least try not to sound so surprised?” I joked.

“S-Sorry, I just… The way you talked about him made it sound like if you saw him, you’d put him in an ambulance.” Twilight gave a sheepish smile.

I put my hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay babe, I was joking. Besides, you’re not exactly wrong. If I’m honest, I was sorta provoking him. I reasoned with him in the end, though.”

“Reasoned, or intimidated?” Twilight grinned as she raised an eyebrow.

I winked at her. “I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.”

After that, she hugged me again, nuzzling me as she did. “Thank you, Sunny. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” No matter how many times she does that, it never gets old.

“If I can help it, you’ll never have to figure that out,” I replied.

As she clung to me, I heard her sniff a few times. At first I thought she was crying, but then I realized what she was actually doing.

“I thought I told you to quit smoking!” she barked.

Shit.

“Sorry! I was just really stressed after our last conversation,” I admitted.

She looked up at me, giving me a comforting smile. “It’s okay, I understand. Yesterday was a lot, and I know today’s kind of a weird day for you, too,” she comforted. “But no more!”

“Fiiiine” I surrendered.

She was right. Yesterday was immensely stressful, and today had been as well. It didn’t help that I kept having weird memories from a year ago resurface, but those were the least of my concerns. I had so much more to be stressed about now. In a weird way, I was grateful for that.

I pulled away from the hug. “Anyway, are you ready to go?”

Twilight nodded. “Let me go make sure Spike has food for tonight. Then I'll lock up around here and I'll be all set!”

We both made our way out of her room. “I’ll meet you in the driveway,” I remarked.

As I made my way out the front door, I noticed all the light from the sky was gone. I took the other helmet out of the saddlebag and placed it on the backseat. Then I placed my own over my head and clicked the strap together. All that was left was to wait for Twilight.

I sat on my motorcycle, letting out a deep sigh. This was it. The night we’d been waiting for. Everything I’d worked toward was finally paying off. I was still nervous, but far more excited than before. I couldn’t imagine anything else going wrong from here on out.

The fact that I couldn’t was worrying in and of itself. I knew there was nothing to worry about, but when does anxiety listen to reason?

Author's Note

So you remember how I said the last chapter was the penultimate chapter? I lied. This is the penultimate chapter. The next will be the final one, for realsies this time. I promise!

When I started this one, I planned on it being the final one, but about halfway through writing it, I realized there was no way I could fit everything I wanted into this chapter without making it the size of 3 chapters on its own. Plus, I wanted to include this confrontation, and the ending I have planned deserves to be its own chapter. It'll be worth it!

Lastly, I might split the last chapter into two parts if it grows beyond expectation. If I can help it, I won't. But I figure I might as well throw that out there since this one ballooned far beyond expectation.

1/24/23 EDIT: Thanks again to EileenSaysHi for editing this chapter! This one ALSO needed quite a bit of work. :twilightsheepish:

Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

Finale – Soft

I’m going to wake up any moment now, aren’t I?

By now, I’ve lost count of how many times these words have gone through my head. It started when I woke up and saw the good morning text Twilight sent me. As I read the words “I love you” from her, I thought for sure I had to still be asleep. There's no way in which this text exists in the waking world.

At first, the mundanity of school kept the thought at bay. Then I met Twilight before lunch and those words came to me once more. Again when we sat next to each other at lunch, shooting covert glances at one another. After the bell rang and we said our goodbyes on the steps, it happened again. As the Fall Formal drew closer, the frequency only increased.

Now, as I drive along the highway, Twilight holding on tight as she sits behind me on my motorcycle, I can’t stop thinking those words. I’m doing my best to focus on the road, but as I feel Twilight squeeze my waist even tighter than I’ve ever felt her before, it repeats on loop. I mean, this has to be a dream, right? Things aren't supposed to work out like this. Not for people like me, anyway.

Up until now, I’d thought about the events of a year ago very sparingly. It hadn’t been hard to push those memories to the back of my mind. So much has happened in the last 36 hours that there’d been no time to ruminate over the past. Things were calming down, though. You would think I’d be doing the same, but as things settle, there’s a vacancy in my mind. And if there’s room to move, things move.

If this were a dream, where would I wake up? What would life be like? Would I have asked Twilight out, or would I still be alone? Would I still be friends with the girls, or would they still hate me for still being such a bully? Would I wake up in my apartment on my bed, or would I regain consciousness at the bottom of a twenty foot hole in the ground?

I knew there was no point in asking myself these questions. Everything was far too real to be a dream, and if it were a dream, I would have certainly woken up by now. If I know that, then why do I continue to weigh myself down with so many uncomfortable questions of impossible scenarios? It felt as though my mind was punishing me. Things weren't going poorly enough, so it must fill the quota.

I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but deep down I knew the reason why I felt this way. Do I really deserve this?

I thought I had gotten over everything that happened a year ago, but I hadn’t. The only reason I ever believed that was because I was too distracted by everything else to think about it. Now that my mind was more clear, the dark clouds of my past rolled in and flooded the vacuum left in their wake.

If I could just get through the night, I would be fine. I could deal with this on my own when I got home. This was supposed to be me and Twilight’s big night, and I wasn’t about to let some stupid emotional baggage over something everyone else had gotten over weigh me down. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

At the bottom of my heart, it truly felt like I deserved none of this. The feeling was unshakable. Initially, I felt pretty good about my confrontation with Timber, but after thinking about it, it made me doubt myself. It was so easy for me to flip the bitch switch back on when I needed it. Too easy. He was a piece of shit – there was no debating that – but it scared me how quickly I pulled out all my old tricks to belittle him. It frightened me how willing I was to beat him senseless, or how ready I was to manipulate the police into arresting him had he attacked me. How could I be so willing and able to do such things?

When I said I would risk expulsion from school or going to jail for the night just to beat his ass, I meant it. The fact that I said that with no hesitation terrified me. Expulsion would mean a whole year without seeing Twilight every day. And I knew kids who went to jail; it's life ruining. It made it impossible to find a job later on, and I hadn’t even graduated yet. Was I so eager to act the way I used to that I’d risk ruining my life? Maybe I had learned not to follow my impulses, but would I always be able to? Had I really changed, or did I just fool everyone, including myself?

The parking lot behind the school building was in sight. As we pulled in and found a spot, I forced my brain to push these thoughts as far back as I could. Tonight was supposed to be fun. I was going to hang out with my friends, mingle with the other students, and I’d get to do it standing next to the girl I loved the most. Anxiety wasn’t about to ruin this for me. Nothing was going to ruin this for me.

I shut my motorcycle off as I flicked the kickstand down. Both Twilight and I got off at the same time. We placed our helmets into their respective bags. Twilight handed me a hairbrush from her purse. Before we left, I’d told her I’d need it to fix my helmet hair. I was so lost in thought on the way over, I had forgotten I did that until she poked me with it. As always, I could count on her to remember everything.

I could hardly see as I brushed my hair, but I saw her smile at me as I did. “What? Does it look that bad?” I asked.

She giggled and shook her head. “No, I’m just excited.” She blushed, her eyes darting to the side. “That, and you’re really pretty.”

“You’re lucky I’m dealing with this rat’s nest on my head or I’d be squeezing the life out of you right now,” I replied. She chuckled as I finished getting my mountain of hair in order, handing the brush back to her upon completion.

“So, how do you want to do this?” I asked. Twilight tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. And Rarity said I was oblivious.

“How affectionate should we be tonight? It’s okay if you want to keep it a secret.” Truthfully, I wanted to beg and plead for her to let me show her affection all night, but her comfort was more important to me.

Twilight looked around the parking lot for a few seconds deep in thought. All night I’d been preparing to hear the answer I wanted to hear least. I was certain she’d tell me she didn’t want to tell the girls, and that I’d have to keep my hands to myself. The wait for her answer was agonizing, even if it was only a few seconds.

But to my surprise, Twilight grabbed my hand and held it. “I-I don’t care who knows. I don’t have to feel afraid as long as we’re together.”

I hope you’re right, I thought.

Ignoring that intrusive thought, I pulled her into a tight hug. As we pulled away from each other, we kissed.

“Come on,” I beckoned, “The girls are waiting for us on the steps in front of the school.”

Twilight nodded, grabbing my hand again. We smiled at each other and began walking around the school from the back. I could feel a well of anticipation building within me. I wasn’t concerned with how the rest of the school would react to us, but I was a little anxious to see our friends’ reaction to us holding hands when we met them. I wondered if any of them had made the connection on their own.

As we turned the corner of the school, I could see the spot where the school statue used to sit. Right above the portal to Equestria. Looking down, my mind immediately flashed back to a memory from one year ago.

I could see myself holding a sledgehammer right next to the portal. Princess Twilight was standing in front of our friends. I was getting ready to trap both the princess and myself in this dimension forever. Of course, I knew I was bluffing, but I was hoping she wouldn’t catch that. It was a last-ditch effort for a plan I thought was about to fail.

Tick-tock, Twilight. We haven't got all night. The portal will be closing on its own in less than an hour. So, what's your answer?

No.

What!? Equestria! Your friends! Lost to you forever! Don't you see what I'm about to do to the portal?!

Yes, but I've also seen what you've been able to do here without magic. Equestria will find a way to survive without my Element of Harmony. This place might not, if I allow it to fall into your hands. So go ahead. Destroy the portal. You are not getting this crown!

Fine. You win.

I remember tossing the sledgehammer to the side afterwards. I truly believed it was over. I wish that’s where that story ended. On a regular day, remembering what happened afterward made my stomach turn. Tonight, it twisted it into a knot.

“Sunset?” Twilight tugged on my arm. “Is everything okay?”

I didn’t realize I’d stopped walking. Her words snapped me out of my flashback. I shook my head. “Yeah! Everything’s fine, just nervous. That’s all,” I lied.

Twilight looked worried, but she smiled at me as we kept walking toward the entrance of the school. When we turned the corner, all the girls were there waiting for us. Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were having their own conversation while Rarity, Applejack and Rainbow Dash held their own. As we drew closer, all eyes were drawn to us.

“Well it’s about time!” Dash shouted. I winced as she did. We weren’t that late, were we? And had she not noticed Twilight and I were holding hands? I thought of all people Rainbow Dash would be the first to make a snarky comment.

“Sorry we’re late. We got held up by a couple things,” I apologized.

Applejack shook her head. “She ain’t talkin’ about that, sugarcube.”

“Yeah, you guys are only a few minutes late.” Fluttershy added.

Twilight and I glanced at each other. Both of us looked confused. A few moments of awkward silence passed before someone finally broke the ice again.

“We’re talking about the hand thing!” Dash exclaimed, “And now, AJ owes me twenty bucks.”

Wait, what? Why would she owe her–

That’s when it hit me. When I made the connection, I glared over at Rarity.

Rarity flinched as she received my dirty look. “D-Don’t look at me, darling! I didn’t say a word, honest!”

“It’s true,” Dash confirmed, “In fact, she kept trying to tell us you two weren’t going to end up together.”

This was all so confusing. I looked over at Twilight, who was slowly moving to stand behind me, hiding her face behind her free hand. Could she just not be so adorable for five seconds? I knew the answer was no, but now wasn’t the appropriate time for me to want to squeeze her and she was making it so hard not to.

“Then how did you know? Did everyone know?” I asked.

A mixture of nods and “yeps” rang out from the group. I felt my face burning up. “How long did you–?”

“Just a tip, sugarcube,” Applejack interrupted, “If y’all are gonna yell at each other early in the morning about whether or not you got a crush on someone, try not to do it within earshot of the room we’re all sleepin’ in.”

The burning feeling in my face spread throughout my whole body. Twilight was hiding behind me, completely speechless. I was almost worried she might be overwhelmed, but it was hard to do anything about that when I was already overwhelmed myself.

“I knew it was gonna happen before the sleepover,” said Pinkie, “I could tell just by the way Twilight looked at you that she had it bad!” Of course Pinkie just knew. She always just knows things.

“I pretended to be asleep when you two came back in the room during Twilight’s first sleepover. When I saw you carrying Twilight’s sleeping bag over to yours, I kind of figured there was something going on. It was so cute, so romantic!” beamed Fluttershy.

“Dash here didn’t figure out until she noticed Twilight was shadowin’ Sunset every time we went anywhere,” claimed Applejack, "Even then, she had to ask. I had to be the one to tell 'er."

Dash scowled at her, “Hey! I noticed the sleeping bags too! I-I just didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spoil the surprise for the rest of you.” It was evident Rainbow Dash was unable to convince even herself.

I crossed my arms and gave her a smug grin. “Come on, Dash. I thought you were the fast one.”

“Yeah, she’s quick as a whip alright. Sharp as a marble, too.” Applejack smirked at Dash, to which Dash replied with a light punch on the arm.

“You owe me twenty bucks now, so who’s a whip now, huh?”

Applejack laughed. “Marble, sugarcube.”

“Whatever! You know what I mean!” Dash snapped.

Everyone had a good laugh. Except for Twilight. She was still hidden behind me, but I could tell she wasn’t in distress. I was so proud of her, though. A few months ago, she’d probably be begging me to go home right about now, but she stuck it out. In a few minutes, she’d get over how flustered she was and be back to her normal self.

Applejack made her way to the front door. “I don’t reckon we came here just to stand outside. Let’s get to the gym, y’all.”

The rest of the girls filtered in behind her. After the door closed, I turned around and faced Twilight. She hadn’t let go of my hand for that entire conversation. When she realized it was just us, she stopped hiding her face in her hand.

I gave her a kiss on the forehead. “You okay? They didn’t overwhelm you, did they?”

“I’m fine! I just… I can’t believe they all knew. Everyone knew except me. I feel so silly,” she replied.

I chuckled. “You’re telling me. I should have known AJ heard me when she interrupted me and Rarity’s discussion that morning.” I gave her a quick hug, then I tugged on her arm to lead her up the steps.

“One day I want to hear about that conversation,” said Twilight.

“You don’t. It was embarrassing,” I replied.

She just laughed. “I know, that’s why I want to!” I gave her a sheepish grin in response.

As we made it to the door, I immediately remembered the gaping hole I blasted in the front of the school one year ago. I spent weeks helping with the repairs, and had my wages garnished for months to help pay for the things that I couldn’t do on my own. For a while, my days consisted of class, brick laying, work, studying, and sleeping with very little free time. Honestly, I would have preferred doing that forever over them taking money from my paycheck. For a few months, my diet consisted of nothing but ice cube soup in water broth. It was pretty miserable.

And pretty lonely for a while.

That memory wasn’t fun, but compared to the next that resurfaced, I remembered it fondly. When we walked into the school’s main entrance, I could see all of the students and teachers again. They were all limping forward, slack-jawed with glowing green eyes. Every single one of them was under my control. Or they would have been, had I actually been in control at that moment.

I felt another pull on my arm. “Sunset? Are you sure everything’s okay?”

Twilight looked even more worried than the last time. Once again, I shook my head. “Yeah! I’m still just a little out of it. I’ll be fine.”

Twilight hesitated before opening her mouth. “You aren’t… having flashb–?”

I held up my hand. “No. That’s all behind me. I’m fine, I promise.”

It didn’t look like she bought it, but she looked too afraid to prod any more than that. Instead, we both walked forward toward the gym. Rarity was standing outside the entrance. She held a plastic red cup in her hand, taking a sip as we approached.

“A moment, Sunset?” she asked.

I glanced at Twilight who smiled at me. “Do you mind meeting with the girls while we talk real quick?”

She nodded. “That’s fine. See you in a bit!”

Twilight leaned in and our lips met. Immediately I felt bad. Rarity was standing right in front of us. It felt like I was rubbing it in her face. When I looked back over to her, though, she seemed unbothered. That was a relief. Twilight made her way into the gym. As the door closed behind her, the sound echoed through the hallways of the school.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“First off, I can’t believe you’re wearing those colors together. Is this your way of getting back at me for not making your outfit? How dreadful!” she answered.

I rolled my eyes. “Is that it?”

“I’m merely joking. How are you feeling?” she answered with a question of her own.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” I replied.

Rarity shook her head. “Relax, darling. I told you during class – I feel much better after our talk.” She smiled wide. “I’m so happy to see you two be so open, by the way!”

“Thanks!” I smiled back at her awkwardly. “So, what did you need me for then?”

“I just told you and you avoided the question. How are you feeling?” she repeated.

“I’m doing good! I got a chance to tell Timber off earlier tonight. He showed up at Twilight’s house while I was outside. We didn’t fight, but I embarrassed him so badly he left without incident.”

Rarity gave a mischievous smile. “Excellent! Though I’m disappointed to hear there were no bricks thrown.” She laughed after her comment. As much as I did want to chuck a brick at his head, the comment made me feel uncomfortable. Did she really expect me to follow through with something like that?

Regardless, I feigned a laugh. “I would have if he tried something, but I could tell he was afraid of me. At one point I flicked a cigarette at him and he jumped.”

Rarity’s smile persisted as her brow furrowed. “I thought you quit smoking?”

“I was stressed out,” I shrugged, “Twilight and I had a, well, stressful conversation.”

Rarity nodded, taking another sip from her cup. “I’ll let you go in a moment, but I know you know why I’m asking you that question. Now, I want a real, honest answer this time. How are you feeling?”

By now I should know better than to try to pull the wool over Rarity’s eyes, but I was hoping she’d take the hint and let this go.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m… having a bit of a harder time than I thought I would. I really wasn’t worried before tonight, but I’ve been reliving quite a few unpleasant memories since we arrived.”

“I figured as much,” she said, taking another drink. I’ve probably asked this one hundred times, but how does she read me so easily?

“If it gets to be too much, promise me you’ll say something to someone. If not to me, then Twilight,” she pleaded.

I frowned at her. “Look, you don’t need to worry about me. Twilight and I are going to have a good night tonight. I’m not going to let some distant memories get in the way.”

“You and I both know they are not as distant as you’re telling yourself. There’s no shame in how you feel. We all know you’re a very different person now.”

I faked a smile at her. I knew she was trying to comfort me, but talking about this was only making me think about it, and that was the last thing I wanted to do tonight.

"Promise?" she repeated.

"Fine! Yes, I promise," I replied.

“Good. Now you may enter,” she stated.

She hopped up from the wall she was leaning against and opened the door to the gym. I walked in as she held the door open for me. I immediately realized what Rarity meant when she said those “memories” of mine were not as distant as I told myself. The moment I walked into the gym, they came back to me in vivid detail.

One moment, I saw all my classmates and friends standing around the gym. The lights were flashing, the music was blaring, and everyone was having the time of their life. Then I blinked. When I opened my eyes, I could see myself, Snips and Snails tearing through the gym. We were destroying all of Pinkie’s party decorations, flipping tables, and damaging expensive electrical equipment.

There was a plan at the end of all of the destruction, but in the moment, I was just happy to destroy. Violence for violence’s sake was fun to me. And the fact that it was ruining everyone else’s fun was just an added bonus. It’s no wonder it took everyone so long to lose their apprehension about me.

I snapped out of it when I felt something touch my hand. I looked to my side. There was Twilight, smiling at me again. I could tell she was putting a brave face on. All the noise in the room made it hard to hear anything, and Twilight hated being in a loud environment.

I leaned close to her ear. “How are you holding up?”

“I was just about to ask you that!” she shouted over the noise.

“I’m good! Let’s go hang out with the others!” I didn’t look at her face or listen for a response. I was afraid she wouldn’t buy my excuse a third time. Instead, I pulled her along with me as we found our group of friends.

All of them were standing close to the punch bowl. Hopefully I’d be able to get a cup before someone dumped alcohol in it. As much as I’d love to drown my restless mind in booze, I had to bring Twilight home with me. My apartment was within walking distance, but if she wanted to go to her house, she’d be walking for an hour or so.

I poured a cup for myself first, sipping a little and swishing it in my mouth for a moment. No burn, and no pungent aftertaste. Then I poured a cup for Twilight and handed it to her.

It was genuinely surprising to me how much better this year’s Fall Formal looked compared to the last. I wanted to make sure she knew it was noticed, so I walked over to Pinkie and leaned in close to her ear. “You did an excellent job with the planning and decorating this year, Pinkie.”

Pinkie turned around, grinning ear to ear. “Thanks, Sunset! I had a lot more time this year since… Well, yeah!” she said in her normal tone of voice which could still be heard over the music. I smiled at her, but her comment stung. She had so much more time this year because I didn’t ruin everything this time. It must be a lot easier to plan and decorate when someone doesn’t go out of their way to destroy everything.

But that’s not what she meant. I was being overdramatic. Instead of dwelling on it, I just stood there with my friends. We’d move to the music, occasionally we’d chat, but we were all having fun. The night was just getting started. I wasn’t going to let self-doubt get in my way.

Twilight was still standing right behind me like my adorable little shadow. I thought about coaxing her into doing her own thing, but I could tell she was struggling already. If I tried to push her away, she certainly wouldn’t budge. But I didn’t want her to, anyway. In truth, I was pretty uncomfortable myself. I think she was keeping me grounded as much as she thought I was keeping her.

I thought back to what Rarity said. About how I should reach out if I need to. If not to her, then to Twilight. But I pushed the thought out of my mind. I would be okay once I got into the groove of things and started having some fun. Plus, Twilight needed me more in a setting like this. Crowds made her nervous, and I was her anchor.

The music began to quiet down. The beginning of the formal was always the loudest part. After the volume decreased, the seven of us began talking again. At first, we held a group conversation about my confrontation with Timber. I felt that sense of triumph once again after I got to tell the girls how everything unfolded.

Both Dash and AJ were the most amused by the story. “So he was really about to cross the fence and fight you?” asked Dash.

I nodded as I took a drink. “He was about a step away from the driveway, but right before he took that last step, I mentioned the fact that one of Twilight’s neighbors would probably call the cops on him.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t when they saw you out there smokin’,” remarked AJ. That got a laugh out of me, but it felt a little weird too. I knew a bunch of rich old people would think I’m a delinquent, but did that mean she thought so too? I pushed the thought away. I was overthinking again.

Then I showed them what I did when I told him the cops would be on my side. Most of the girls just chuckled awkwardly, but both Dash and Applejack lost it.

Once they calmed down again, I kept telling the story. “After that he got the hint. He got all huffy, called me a dyke again and stormed off like a little bitch with his tail between his legs.” I looked back at Twilight, she was still smiling.

Throughout my retelling, I kept looking back at her for her approval. I didn’t want to overdo it and make her feel awkward. But not once did she look even the least bit uncomfortable. Several times, it looked like she was trying not to laugh as hard as the other girls. If anything, I think she was keeping a lid on just how much she enjoyed hearing it. I couldn’t blame her after everything Timber did to her.

Applejack had a look of confusion as she chuckled. “Does he even know what a dyke is?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, but I didn’t let him have the last word. I told him to enjoy knowing he was such a shit boyfriend he turned a girl gay.”

Dash spit her drink out all over the floor which made everyone else laugh equally as hard as her. I felt on top of the world as my story concluded.

As things calmed down, Rainbow Dash pointed at me. “I guess you still have the old Sunset in you when it counts, huh?”

That comment threw me off. I knew how to interpret what she said. I knew what she meant was “you’ve changed, and now you know when it’s an appropriate time to be mean”, but that’s not the way my brain decided to hear it. Instead, all it took from that was “you’re still the same you, aren’t you?” I felt all my pride rapidly deflating. It might be more accurate to say it popped from how quickly it dissipated.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I responded, trying to hide my dejection. The conversation was almost over. I could slink back afterwards and get over myself once it was. I just had to hide how I was feeling a little longer.

“I’ll be honest, I’m a little surprised at you Sunset,” Applejack remarked.

Or not. I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

She just shrugged at first. “I guess I would have expected you to put him in the dirt the moment he threatened you.”

“Me too,” Dash agreed, “I mean, he deserved it.”

Once again, I knew that meant “I would have expected you to fiercely defend yourself in the face of a threat”, something that Dash’s comment confirmed. But my brain didn’t see it that way. The words entered my mind and were translated into “I was expecting you to resort to violence, because that’s just the kind of person you are”. Everything I felt on the way here came rushing back to me. It was frighteningly easy for me to pull out the tricks I used to use a year ago.

Like I’d never really changed at all.

“I thought it was really smart how you’d act if the cops were called. That probably scared him off the most.” Fluttershy giggled. “I guess you’re using your old tricks for good now.” She smiled sweetly at me. Despite her reassuring smile, it did nothing but make me feel empty.

They’re all talking me up. They’re all indirectly telling me I’ve changed. All of these things they’re saying are positive – they’re praising me. Yet why can’t I stop myself from thinking they’re not praise at all? It all feels backhanded. Like I’m being mocked.

It’s hard to convince myself otherwise. Even right now, I’m showing how good I am at lying. I’m still smiling and laughing along, but I feel like they’re all taking turns stabbing at me and laughing after the fact. Everything they’re saying hurts so much.

And I feel so stupid. So incredibly stupid. There’s no reason for me to feel like this. The answers are right in front of me, but because I don’t feel like they’re the answers, my mind won’t accept them. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up. All their comments made me want to shrivel up and die. It was like they knew the exact right things to say to remind me of how awful I used to be.

Were they wrong, though? I was pretty awful. Is it really my place to complain when my own actions are the reason I feel this way?

Eventually the subject moved away from my altercation with Timber. Everyone split up into their own conversation. Everyone except me. Instead, I just faded into the background. I leaned up against the wall, holding an empty cup while I stared into space. If anyone asked why I was quiet, I’d just say I was tired. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to dump my emotional bullshit onto anyone.

Rarity was silent through that entire conversation, aside from laughing when I described certain events. I thought back to what she said to me before I entered the gym. Once again, I thought about reaching out to Twilight, or maybe to her. Once again, I refrained. Both of them were having fun, and I didn’t want to bring the mood down.

I just needed a little more time. A little more time to stare off into space. A little more time for the music and the crowd to drown my brain in the white noise they created together. A little more time to stand here by myself spiraling further into anxiety.

This night isn’t about me. Everyone’s having a great time, so I won’t ruin it for them. Everyone’s having fun, so I’m having fun. Twilight is having fun, so I’m having fun.

And I’m not convincing anyone by standing here motionless. Least of all myself.

Really, I just wanted to go home.

“Everything okay?”

I jumped. When I looked to my side, there was Twilight. “I hope I’m not getting annoying, but you just seem a little quiet.”

Damn it, no. This is supposed to be our night, and here I am pouting like a little baby because my feelings are hurt by nothing. No one even tried to make me feel bad, I just decided I was going to feel like this. Now my girlfriend is worrying about me and so is everyone else probably. I needed to deal with these feelings, and I couldn’t let anyone see me while I did.

“Yeah! I’m fine. Listen, I’m gonna go run to the restroom. I’ll be back in a couple minutes,” I lied.

Twilight looked at me with that concerned expression again. “Do you want me to come with you?” I could tell by her tone she wasn’t buying my excuse, but I couldn’t stand to be seen by anyone right now. Least of all her.

“Nah, I won’t be long,” I lied again.

“Okay,” she responded. She sounded dejected. Way to go, me.

Still, I hugged and kissed her. Then I turned away, throwing my cup away as I made my way out of the gym. I didn’t really need to go to the bathroom. I needed a cigarette. Maybe if I didn’t already feel so bad about myself, I’d be trying to keep my promise to Twilight. You know, the one I made an hour ago. But it felt pointless to resist. I was probably going to mess up this relationship before I knew it anyway.

My boots clacked against the linoleum floors of the school hallways. There were a few others standing out in the hallway, but it was still mostly quiet outside of all the noise from the gym. I made my way out of the front entrance. I paused as I looked at the front school yard.

In the grass next to the statue, there was a line between the old and new grass. The new grass was there to cover up a gigantic crater. It may have been a year, but you can still clearly see the outline of the hole that used to be there. As I walked into the circle and stood in the middle, I realized I was standing 20 feet above where I was laying at around this time last year. I remember the pain my body was in as I climbed to the rim of that hole in the ground.

I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Dirt was in my eyes. My clothes were in tatters. Cuts and bruises adorned every part of my body. Tears were streaming down my face. Everyone in the school was staring at me. I’d never felt so much regret in my life. I looked as pathetic as I felt.

Twelve months have passed, and I’ve still never felt anything like that. Fifty two weeks have gone by, and I still think about how awful everything felt. Three-hundred and sixty five days later, that regret was just as heavy as it had ever been. Eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours since that moment, and I haven’t changed a bit.

I let out a deep sigh as I ran my fingers through my hair. Was I really going to do this? Disappear into the night, ruin my first date, worry all my friends and my girlfriend because of my own stupid uncontrollable emotions? My question was answered by my body as I put one foot in front of the other, walking back to my motorcycle.

My mind was fighting an uphill battle against itself. I couldn’t just leave Twilight here all alone. I had to take her home. But both Rarity and Applejack also drove themselves here. They could give her a ride. She didn’t need me. None of them did.

They were better off without me.

As I unlocked my saddlebag and grabbed my lighter and smokes, I kept trying to convince myself to turn around. I’d worked tirelessly for months to get where I am now. I’d spent weeks pining over Twilight, planning things out with Rarity to make sure everything went perfectly. Was I really going to throw that all away right now?

Twilight would be so upset. I was her anchor. Her security blanket. Right now, she’s in a stuffy, loud room by herself. Our friends may be there, but I know she doesn’t feel as safe around them as she does with me. She would hate me after this. But that’s okay. She would eventually anyway, right? Twilight didn’t need me.

She was better off without me.

Once again, I thought back to what Rarity said. This seemed like the perfect point in which I should talk to someone. I was just so far down the spiral that I couldn't help but feel like it was too late. I'd gone too far. Trying to sneak out just so I could engage in a bad habit instead of talking about my problems was bad enough. Even worse was the fact that my problems weren't real problems. Why was I such a drama queen?

I would have loved to light up in the back parking lot, and I heavily considered it, but decided against it. I didn’t want to risk one of the teachers or chaperones catching me in the act. Not just because I didn’t want to risk suspension, but because I didn’t want to be seen by anyone in general.

There was a bridge overlooking a river just a few blocks away. That was the perfect spot to go. Far enough away from the school for no one to catch me, close enough that the walk to and from wouldn’t be too long. And no one would think to look for me there.

I slipped the pack and the lighter into my pockets and began the walk. It was just a little before 8 PM. The streets were slowing down and the lights of the city were slowly shutting off for the night. Once I was a few blocks away from the school, I pulled out a cigarette and lit it up as I kept walking. It provided minimal relief to my nerves this time, but some was better than none.

Part of my mind was still shouting for me to go back, but I knew it was too late. If I showed back up, I’d have to explain to everyone why going to the bathroom took me half an hour. I’d have to explain why they couldn’t find me in any of the bathrooms they’ve inevitably gone looking for me in by now. I’d have to explain why I smelled like smoke to Twilight after I’d already broken my promise to her once this evening. I shat my bed, and eventually I’d have to lie in it. The longer I could put that off, the better.

Eventually I got to the halfway point of the bridge. That’s where I stopped. I leaned over the railing, using my crossed arms to prop myself up. I looked up at the starry sky. I briefly took my cigarette out to breathe in the early October air. That was a smell I used to love. Now it just filled me with dread. And it probably would for the rest of my life. Not just because of what happened a year ago, but tonight too. The night I threw everything away for no reason.

I took the last drag of my cigarette as slowly as I could. Then I took the filter out and flicked it into the river as I sighed, the smoke mixing with the condensation from my breath.

“I thought I told you to quit,” I heard. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. For a few seconds, I desperately hoped that wasn’t the voice I knew it was.

When I looked to my right, there she was. Twilight was standing about ten feet away. She didn’t look upset. Just concerned. Even more concerned than earlier. If I were a better person, I would take that as a sign to explain why I was out here doing what I was doing, apologize, stop smoking and agree to come back. And part of me really wanted to do that.

But a much larger part of me kept telling me it was already too late. I was caught red handed. I couldn't explain myself. Instead, I just pulled another cigarette out of my pocket and lit it right in front of her.

“Why?” she asked.

I took a puff and looked toward the river again. “It soothes my nerves.”

“No. Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” she insisted, “I’ve been patient with you, but you’re not being fair.”

I let out an empty chuckle. She didn’t look upset, but her tone certainly gave that impression. “Because the only thing that’s wrong is me.”

I didn’t look to see her reaction. I was too much of a coward. I just took another drag.

“It’s because you’re overwhelmed by bad memories, and you still blame yourself for everything that happened. Isn’t it?” she prodded.

I furrowed my brow, still trying not to look in her direction. “Who else am I supposed to blame, then?”

“Why does it matter who you blame?”

“I don’t know, it just does!” I snapped.

A few seconds went by without a response. I kept smoking. There was still that part of my brain screaming for me to stop while I’m behind. I could still salvage this. I'd have to beg for forgiveness from Twilight and the rest of my friends, but I'd done it before, right? I could do it again, right?

Right?

No. I can't salvage this. If I’m going to ruin things between us, I might as well make it quick.

I heard Twilight take a step forward. “Sunset, I understand how you’re feeling. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“Do you, Twilight?” I responded, “Do you really?”

“Yes. We’re the only two people on the planet who’ve been through what we’ve been through!” she argued.

I looked down at the river and laughed. “Okay, fair point. But you still don’t get it.”

“Sunset, you’re–”

I finally turned toward her with a scowl. “Whenever anyone thinks about what happened to you, they feel sorry for you. Whenever anyone thinks about what happened to me, they’re happy about it!”

“What are you talking about?” Twilight was staring me down.

“No matter what happened at the friendship games, you were the victim. At the Fall Formal, I was the culprit and everyone else was the victim!” I shouted. “I got shoved into a twenty foot hole in the ground, and everyone was better off because of it!”

“You made a mistake!” she stated firmly, “Everyone has moved on, Sunset. They love you!”

I clenched my jaw. “Have they? Do they?!”

A few moments of silence went by. Twilight had no response, but she looked like she wasn’t backing down.

“Tell me: how many times have you had to be reminded of the person you were before the games? How many times have you had to sit through your friends reminding you of how big of a piece of shit you used to be?! How many times have you had to hear about something you broke, or something you ruined, or someone you hurt?! How many times, Twilight?!”

Twilight’s stern gaze was beginning to crack, but not out of fear. It was just that look of concern again. It felt like pity. I hated pity. It infuriated me.

“I was proud of myself! So proud of how I handled that dickhead Timber! I told him off! I controlled myself! For months I thought about beating him senseless! But I didn't! And what do I get to hear because of that? ‘Gee Sunset, it’s good to see you can still be a complete fucking bitch like you used to be. You haven’t changed a bit, huh?! You’re just faking it!’ That’s the thanks I get?! Fuck! That!”

By this point, I would have expected Twilight to be shaken by how loud and angry I was, but she still didn’t budge an inch. She wasn’t frightened at all. She just felt sorry for me. I should have felt grateful, but it just angered me even more. What part of “you should start hating me now” was escaping her? How animated did I have to get to make her realize I wasn't worth it?

“Sunset, you know that’s not what they mean,” she appealed.

“Then why is that all I can hear?! It’s all I ever hear and I can’t stand it! I have to live with what I did forever!” I yelled.

I took a deep breath to try to calm myself, but it didn’t work. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I started choking on my words.

“But how can I be upset about that?! Everything I’m bitching about, I did to myself! I have to go through this alone because of the choices I’ve made! How can I expect you, or anyone else to understand or even care?! None of you know what it’s like to be afraid of yourself all the time!”

Twilight didn’t respond, she just kept giving me that worried look. It was driving me crazy. I just wanted her to stop looking at me. It only made me want to cry harder. I just wanted her to turn around and go back to school. I wanted her to tell all our friends how awful I was. Tell them I hurt her, and that I shouldn’t be trusted anymore because of how I’m acting.

“What am I supposed to do, Twilight? Ask them to stop bringing it up? Hey guys, can you please stop making me experience the consequences of my actions? That’d be great! I. Can’t. Do that!” I screamed.

Slowly, Twilight began to inch toward me. I started backing away as she did. “It wasn't enough for me to ruin your night! Now I'm ruining our relationship! I left you all alone! Stop wasting your time with such an awful person and run while you still can! Stop being nice to me! I’m just going to hurt you again! Just like I’m doing right now! Just like I did yesterday! We've been together for less than two days and I'm doing this a second time! Don't you see what you're signing up for?! Give! Up!”

She kept walking toward me, holding her hand out as she got closer. “You haven’t ruined anything, Sunset. No one is upset with you. We’re all just worried. Please, just take a deep breath.”

“No! You’re just–. I…” Every time I tried to speak, I’d cough or choke. The lump in my throat had swollen to a degree that made it hard to breathe.

“Please, Sunset. It’s okay. I know you’re hurt. You're just scared. Please, just take a deep breath, stop walking away and let me get closer. Let me help you.”

I could feel my throat closing up. “Y-You’re making a big mistake…”

“I know what I’m doing, Sunset. You’re my girlfriend. I love you. I just want to help you. You’ve helped me through so much. Now please, just let me help you.”

I didn’t want to listen. I didn't want her to love me. I wanted her to hate me. I wanted her to acknowledge the mistake I knew she was making. But she just kept coming. My legs wobbled and I finally stopped back stepping. I couldn't keep this up anymore. My knees slammed against the concrete bridge as I fell to them. Before I could collapse into a ball, Twilight ran up to me.

“I’ve got you,” she said as she gently caught me in her embrace. All I could do was wail as she held me tight. Twilight rubbed my back, in and out slowly.

I felt like such an idiot. All of this, and for what? Why had I done all this? An otherwise perfectly fine night, and I had to ruin it by being unable to control my emotions. I felt so deeply ashamed of everything. What an embarrassment I am. I’d made such a huge scene over nothing.

Still, Twilight held me tight. It perplexed me. No matter what, he didn’t move an inch. Even after all the horrible things I said, even when I tried to pull away while I was still sobbing, she wouldn’t let me go. I was too weak to do anything about it. The only time I felt her grip loosen was when she pulled out her phone at one point, but other than that she held firm.

I’d calm down for a few moments, then I’d panic again. I couldn’t stop bouncing between the two for I don’t know how long. It felt like hours. Both my body and mind were becoming exhausted. My mouth was so dry and breathing didn't get any easier. Sometimes I'd cough until I gagged. But Twilight never faltered. Not even once.

I wasn’t sure how long it had been, but before long I heard a car pull up and stop next to us. A few moments later, when I had reached another lull in my panic, she lifted my head from her shoulder.

“Sunset?” She spoke for the first time in a while. “Rarity’s here to pick us up. We’re gonna get you back to your apartment. Can I have your keys? Dash is going to make sure your bike gets home if that’s okay with you.”

Finally she pulled away from the hug. My hair was draped over my face. I could hardly tell who was in the car aside from Rarity, but I refused to move my hair. I couldn’t stand to be seen in this state. I felt so embarrassed about everything.

There were no words I could summon. Only more choking noises. I just fished my keys out of my pocket and put them in Twilight’s hand. Twilight then carefully dug her hand into my pocket and pulled the pack of cigarettes out. A few movements and moments later, I heard a splash. She’d thrown them into the river. It hurt, but it was probably for the best. I certainly wasn't going to stop her, and I was in no state to argue. I was in no state to do anything.

After that, Twilight helped me get to my feet and into the backseat of Rarity’s car. I could hardly see past my hair. It reminded me of the day prior, when I was sitting on the bench doing this exact same thing.

I could see her talk to two other figures outside. The sound of the car’s engine was all I could hear, however. It looked like Rarity was in the driver’s seat, but she didn’t say a word or even look back at me. That was okay. I wouldn’t want to look at me either.

The exhaustion from the sheer intensity and length of my emotional outburst began to set in. I didn’t know what time it was, and I wasn’t going to pull out my phone to check. I just sat there in the back seat, sniffling and occasionally coughing until I gagged. My remaining energy was fading and my eyes were growing heavy.

What I remember of the ride home was mostly silent. I felt Twilight squeeze my hand. Part of me wanted to pull it away, but the daze I found myself in was too strong for me to protest. And before I could process anything else, it became impossible to hold my eyes open. Within a few moments, I was out cold.

“...can put the keys over there. Yeah… Yeah, I’ll text you in the morning… will if I need to, but we should be fine. Thank you so much… what we’d do without you…”

My head throbbed as my bleary eyes crept open. My vision was blurred. It was hard to tell exactly where I was or what time it was. I could hear a couple voices. I assumed they were talking about me, but I could barely understand what they were saying. If nothing else, I could recognize Twilight’s voice anywhere. One of our friends must be there, too.

“See you tomorrow. Thanks again.”

The sound of footsteps could be heard, but they quickly became distant. I could hear a creak followed by a slam. The impact made me jump, but after the metal clacking sound immediately after, I recognized where I was. I was in my apartment, laying on my couch, staring up at the ceiling. I felt something gently squeeze my hand again. It was just like what I felt moments before I passed out. Twilight and our friends must have taken me home and brought me upstairs.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Twilight sang as she placed a cup of water on the coffee table in front of us.

I sat up slowly, brushing my hair out of my face, pressing my fingers into one of my throbbing temples afterward. Twilight was sitting next to me on the couch holding my hand. She had a sympathetic smile on her face. My brain sputtered as I tried to think of something to say. Nothing came to mind.

“How are you feeling, Sunny?”

I grabbed the cup and took a sip. I wanted to down the whole thing, but I drank it slow. I tried to think of an answer for how I was feeling, but my brain wouldn't turn over. Eventually, I went with the first thing my brain could spit out.

“I… uhm… am I dead?” I stammered.

Twilight was silent for a few minutes. Then she started laughing. I clutched my head at the sudden increase in noise. “N-Not so loud, please.”

She immediately stopped. “Oh. Sorry.” She kissed me on the forehead. “But no, you’re not dead. We’re at your apartment. You passed out not long after Rarity picked us up.”

Right. All of that happened. That sense of shame started filling my body once more. As all the memories of the previous night came rushing back, I kind of wished she said yes. I suppose it was time for me to lie in the aforementioned bed I soiled, in a mercifully metaphorical sense.

As if she could sense how I felt, Twilight pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay. No one’s upset at you. I promise.”

Part of me wanted to cry again, but I refrained. Between the last two days, I don’t think I had any tears left. Instead, I relaxed into her embrace and hugged her back.

Then we sat still for a while. Here we were, in yet another hug where neither of us wanted to pull away. Eventually, Twilight was the one to move things forward. I sat up on the couch as she pulled away.

I held my gaze to the floor. “Twilight, look… I’m really s–”

She held a finger up. “No. No sorries. Not tonight.”

I wasn’t sure how to react at first. “But I–”

“Sunset.” She interrupted me as she cupped my face, leading my eyes to her own. “I admire so many things about you.”

I just kept looking into her eyes as she paused.

“You’re my rock. You’re the one person I know I can lean on when I need to. Even when you’re not one hundred percent, you’re still the most dependable person I know. And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way.”

Another brief pause passed before she continued her explanation. “But there’s a fine line between selflessness and self-destruction, and you’re constantly crossing it. That's why this keeps happening.”

I frowned and tried to look away, but she brought my face back to her again. “I know all about your past and how much you regret it, but I know that’s not you anymore either. We all do. You’ve done more than enough to prove that to me and the rest of the girls. It doesn’t matter what you did, and it doesn’t matter who you used to be. What matters is now. What matters is that the Sunny I know is one of the most wonderful, loving, and thoughtful girls I’ve ever met. That any of us have ever met.”

I wanted to say so much, but my brain still felt as though it was swimming in oil.

“I know I’m meek and timid. I know I get unreasonably anxious about a lot of things. And I know I depend on you a lot to help me deal with those things. But you’re my girlfriend. I’m not as weak as you may think I am. I love you, and I’m here for you to help you deal with all of those things, just like you are for me. And I always will be. You deserve all of the love, consideration and understanding you give to me, even when you don’t think you do.”

Her eyes glistened with tears as she peered into mine, but she held her smile. “I just want you to see yourself the way I see you. To feel about yourself how I feel about you. You’re my hero. Not just because you saved my life, but because of all the things you do for me and everyone else. I love you, Sunny.”

With her conclusion, she pulled me into a hug. I held onto her as tight as I could. Just when I thought I had no more tears left to cry, they began to flow once again. And after they started, they didn’t stop. At least I wasn't choking on my own throat this time.

I couldn’t tell how long we sat in that position. It could have been days for all I cared. Hearing that felt so relieving. If those words came from anyone else, I might reject them. I might believe they were just trying to placate me. But hearing them from the love of my life made me believe them. I wasn’t who I used to be. I wasn’t always going to believe that, and when I didn’t, I had to let myself fall back on the people who knew better to remind me. Not push them away. My friends were always going to be there. Twilight was always going to be there.

I was still afraid of what would come tomorrow. The thought of all the explaining I’d eventually have to do to Twilight and the rest of my friends might make me want to sink into the earth. But at that moment, nothing else mattered. Neither the past nor the future mattered. Just the present. The entire world melted around us. It was just me and the girl I loved more than life itself.

Soon, she stood me up and brought me over to bed. We both took off most of our clothes and climbed the ladder up to my mattress. I went up first, and Twilight held the ladder. She didn’t need to, but I appreciated the gesture. Then I flopped down on the bed harder than I did even yesterday. This time, I remembered to land on my back to avoid activating the bruise on my ribs.

Twilight followed soon after. She grabbed my blanket and covered the both of us. It was a tight squeeze, but I certainly wasn’t complaining. The warmth I felt as our bodies touched, skin to skin, was unlike anything else I’d ever felt in my life. She held me close to her, my head resting right under her chin. As we cuddled up close to one another, our heartbeats were in sync. The stars, the moon, and the planets were aligned. Everything was in its right place. I was right where I wanted to be. Right where I needed to be.

Up until now, I’d been plagued by doubts about everything. Even when Twilight said yes when I asked her out, I was almost unwilling to believe it.

But that’s when it truly dawned on me.

I loved Twilight, and Twilight loved me. That is what is, and what will be.

The End.

Author's Note

We've finally reached the end! This entire story has been told from a very personal angle, but this final chapter is the most personal part of all of it. It's a bit sad, and quite dramatic, but everyone gets a good ending.

I'll get around to writing a short epilogue one of these days, but it won't be tomorrow. Probably. I might. Who knows.

If you've read this far, I appreciate you more than I can ever truly express. This story has been a very cathartic exercise for me, and I'm not ready to leave it behind. However, I believe this is the best point to end it at. I don't doubt I'll revisit this concept with a sequel eventually. That said, aside from the 11th, I've spent every single day since the 5th writing what was supposed to be a one-off. So I'll need a bit of a break!

Either way, thank you all so much for reading, thank you to all of the commenters who showed for every chapter. :twilightsmile:

1/26/23 EDIT: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for going over this and doing some much needed corrections!

2/5/23 EDIT: Eileen has written a wonderful little bit that takes place between Twilight and the driver of the vehicle toward the end. Go here and give it a read! It's short, sweet, and canon.

Epilogue – Doppelgänger

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Sorry for not writing to you in such a long time. How are things in Equestria? I hope your princess duties have been boring and easy to deal with lately, but I get the feeling, since I haven’t heard from you in a while, that that’s rarely the case. Don't read too deep into that, though. I understand.

Do you think you’ll have time to come visit me soon? Don’t worry, there haven’t been any magical mishaps in quite a while. While things have been mostly boring on this end, there’s been some personal developments with me and one of our friends, and it has me curious about a few things that only you can answer. I know that probably doesn’t make a lot of sense, but that’s why I want to talk to you about it in person.

Hope to hear from you soon! Tell Spike and all the others I said hey.

Your friend,

Sunset Shimmer

It’s been a couple weeks since the incident at the Fall Formal. Things have settled down, and life’s been pretty good ever since. The talk my friends and I had after everything happened went much better than I anticipated. We all agreed that I was probably just overly stressed due to the fact that almost everything that had been building over the previous six months all came to a head at the same time. In retrospect, that made a lot of sense.

When I finally confessed to Twilight, I was practically bursting at the seams with pent-up emotions. Having Rarity as an outlet helped, but there was someone else I needed to let those feelings out to. In those same months I was bottling things up, Rarity was doing the exact same thing with no outlet whatsoever. That’s why her confession was just as intense as mine was to Twilight.

All of that, combined with the trauma of last year’s Fall Formal I was staunchly refusing to deal with, turned me into a walking, talking, ticking time bomb. It’s no wonder I exploded. My friends did a wonderful job outlining why I acted the way I did. We all like to think we understand ourselves better than anyone else, but I’ve since learned that’s not always the case. I don’t really know what I’d do without Twilight and the girls. Thankfully, they’ve assured me I’ll never have to answer that so long as they have anything to say about it.

For a few days after the whole ordeal, I was afraid Twilight would come to realize she didn’t actually want to be with such an emotionally unstable wreck. As it turns out, my outbursts have only bolstered her confidence in us. She said she’d be more afraid if I was better at hiding when I felt like that. Not just because the eventual consequences of me bottling things up would be more severe, but because it shows that I trust her enough to deal with how I feel. Can’t say I disagree. I tell her I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have her, but she just tells me she’s luckier. I love that girl so much.

A couple days after everything happened, I picked up the journal me and Princess Twilight write to each other through and asked her when she could come visit. There’s a question I’ve wanted to ask since the night of the sleepover, but I’ve held myself back from doing it. It might seem kind of silly, and I’m sure anyone else in my position would have done that before anything else, but there’s a few reasons I’ve decided against it until now.

When I first knew I had a crush on this world’s Twilight, why wouldn’t I just write to Princess Twilight and ask her how she feels about me? Why wouldn’t I ask about her sexuality? Wouldn’t that save me a lot of time and heartache? While I can certainly follow that logic, things are rarely so easy.

There are two simple words that explain why I haven’t asked: dimensional divergence. Okay, maybe they’re not that simple, but let me explain.

The easiest observable divergence between our two worlds are the differences between Twilight and Princess Twilight. My Twilight wears glasses, and the princess does not. That’s not because glasses aren’t a thing in Equestria – they definitely are – it’s just one of the ways in which they’re different from each other on a biological level. You know, aside from the whole being a pony versus human thing. The bigger difference between the two is social status. One of them is a princess. The other is a random student.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are rulers of Equestria. In this universe, they are both principals at a high school. A high school in the center of a random city in the middle of a vast country full of other cities. The distance between their rungs on the social ladders of their respective worlds are miles apart.

How about my friends? All of my friends here play instruments. Unless you count singing, none of the girls in Equestria play instruments except for Pinkie Pie. All of my friends here are in their mid to late teens, while all the girls in Equestria are in their mid-to-late twenties. Similar to how my friends are younger than their Equestrian counterparts, I am also younger in this dimension than I am in Equestria. In this world, I'm a teenager, but in Equestria I'm around the same age as the princess and her friends. I think it has something to do with how different forms have different perceptions of time, and how our bodies translating from pony to human go through some kind of time-dilating effect. Something complicated like that.

Which brings me to the most important divergence: me! When I arrived here, there was no Sunset Shimmer at this school or even in this city. I pored over any records I could get my hands on at both the school and city hall, but I never found any record of anyone with the same name or photo as me. As far as I’m aware, I don’t even have a dimensional counterpart. That’s not to say they don't exist, but if they did, I would have surely met them by now, right?

I’m not trying to belabor the point. I’m just trying to illustrate the many ways in which this dimension differs from Equestria despite having an analog for almost everything. So while I could have asked Princess Twilight all of those questions from the beginning, there’s no guarantee the answers would be remotely similar to the ones this world’s Twilight would give me.

And to be honest, I think the circumstances under which me and the princess met have permanently influenced how she feels about me. We might be good friends now, but I don’t doubt the answer to me asking her out would be “no” without any hesitation. Stealing the crown probably cemented that before I ever had a chance to think of the question to begin with.

That brings me to today. Princess Twilight has finally found time to sit down and talk with me. We’ve just arrived at my apartment, and we’re sitting across from one another on the couch. I’m currently trying to think of the best way to ask these questions, and I’m finding it much more difficult than I thought it would be. Twilight is sitting patiently waiting, but I can tell the longer I take, the more awkward this feels for her too.

I twiddled my thumbs as I glanced around the room. “I promise I’m not stalling. It’s just… this is really weird and hard to talk about.”

Twilight was still smiling, but I could see her slightly raise an eyebrow. “Are you sure this has nothing to do with magic?”

“Positive!” I answered, “It’s just… okay, I’m just going to rip the bandage off. How do you feel about me?”

Twilight only looked more perplexed. “I think you’re a really good friend, and I’m very proud of the person you’ve become in just a year’s time,” she answered confidently.

I smiled, but I shook my head. “No, no. I know that – thank you, by the way, that means a lot – but I mean… how do you feel about me?”

“I’m… not really sure I understand the question.” Twilight’s smile gradually faded into a confused frown. I guess I should have figured she’d be this oblivious to questions with vague underlying meanings. As different as she may be from my Twilight, she’s still a Twilight.

“What I mean is: if I were to ask you out right now, what would you say?”

Twilight pursed her lips as her eyes went wide. Then she looked off to the side. “You mean like… out on a date?”

“More or less, yeah.” I nodded and smiled awkwardly.

Twilight began to bounce her leg as her eyes darted around the room. The embarrassment washing through me could be felt down to my core, but I just had to know. I wanted to shout “You can just say no!”, but as much as I knew that would be the answer, I didn’t want to sway her.

“I mean… I-I guess… umm…” she stammered.

“Here, if it makes it any easier for you, I’m not asking you on a date right now,” I stated. I thought this would ease her into the question, but she only seemed to get frustrated.

“What do you mean, you’re not?! Why would you drop a question on me like that and not mean it?” she protested.

The offense in her voice made me flinch. I tried my best to ask that as rhetorically as possible, yet she still took it as literally as she could.

I held my hands up in front of me and smiled at her sheepishly. “I’m just asking hypothetically. I promise there’s a good reason for this, but I want to hear your unbiased answer before I tell you why I’m asking.”

To my surprise, she looked at the ground. Her expression looked a little dejected. I wanted to say something comforting, but I wasn’t sure what to say at all. Why would she react like that anyway? It’s not like she was about to say–

“I… I’d probably say yes, I guess,” she muttered.

My eyes went wide and my jaw dropped. “What the fuck?” I immediately felt horrible letting that question out, but it was impossible to hold in. The moment those words slipped past my lips, Twilight gave me another flummoxed look.

“What does that mean?” She sounded even more irritated. “I don't know who ‘the fuck’ is!”

At that moment, it occurred to me that Equestria had not been introduced to the wonderful invention of swearing. I stifled the oncoming hysterical laughter at her question and the following outburst by biting my tongue. Somehow, I managed to choke it back. There’s that bloody taste again.

There were a million words running through my mind afterward, and fishing out the right ones felt impossible for a few moments. I barely managed to scramble a coherent sentence together. “I'm sorry, just… Y-You’d say yes? Like, for real?”

She could tell I was amused by her answer, and this only fed her frustration. Twilight scowled at me, a blush now splashed across her face. “Is this hypothetical or not?! Are you going to keep playing with my emotions or can you just tell me what’s going on already?!” she snapped.

“I’m sorry! I just… this is something I’ve wondered for a while, and I really wasn’t expecting that answer,” I apologized.

“Why not?” she asked.

I stared at her for a moment. What do you mean why not? I thought. Do you not remember blasting me into a crater because I was a bitch? Why would you want to date that?

Once again, summoning the right words was a challenge, but I managed after a few seconds. “First of all, I didn’t know whether you liked girls or not. Secondly, I thought for sure the way we met would have forever made the answer to that question a big, fat no.”

Twilight shook her head and shrugged. “I mean, I’ve never really considered whether or not I have romantic feelings for you. But I’d certainly give you a chance. I don’t really have a preference for any gender, and you’re a completely different pony than the one I met a year ago. So, why not?”

I just started laughing. In the end, I could have saved myself the aforementioned time and heartache. If the other Twilight wasn’t already my girlfriend, I might be upset. Now, this was just hilarious to me. Twilight gave me an awkward laugh in return, but I could tell she was still just as bewildered as when the conversation began.

Finally, after I calmed down, I began to explain everything. “Over the past half a year, I’ve had a huge crush on Twilight from this dimension. It took me forever to finally ask her out, but I finally did a couple weeks ago. It turns out she’s actually gay, and she’s had feelings for me longer than I had ones for her. That's why I'm asking. I wanted to know if you would have answered similarly if I had just asked you from the beginning.”

Twilight shifted expressions multiple times, occasionally opening her mouth only to stop herself from actually saying anything. “If that's the case then… why wouldn't you just ask me how I felt from the beginning?”

I looked around the room awkwardly. “Well, barring all the differences between the two of you and the dimensions as a whole, there’s one big reason I never did.”

“And that is…?” she inquired.

“That would be cheating,” I answered with a smirk.

Her brow furrowed for a moment, but then her expression relaxed into a smile. “I’m not going to lie, this is the most profoundly weird thing anyone has ever told me.”

I smiled at her awkwardly.

“That said, I’ve got all afternoon. Why don’t you fill me in on how it all happened?” she asked.

I chuckled and took a deep breath. “Well, it all started one night at Pinkie’s when I woke up around 2 AM. You see, ever since you were here for the Battle of the Bands, I’ve had this really specific habit that only happens under incredibly and equally specific circumstances…”

Author's Note

That's a wrap! :twilightsmile:

There's a blog post on my profile where I talk about my feelings about this story. You can read more about how I feel now that it's over and the process I took to make it if you'd like.

1/26/23 EDIT: One final thanks to EileenSaysHi for going over not just this epilogue but the ENTIRE STORY and correcting so much of it. This reads so much better now that they've worked on it, and I can't express how much I appreciate that.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed. :heart:

2 – Loose-Lipped Witness, Sailing Over Denial

It’s just south of 8 AM, and I am very, very tired.

You would think, after being up until almost three in the morning, I’d have slept later than anyone else at the sleepover. You would think, being one sleep cycle short of the amount needed for the average person to function, my body would let me sleep a little more. And you would think, with all of this taken into consideration upon waking up, my mind and body would have agreed they should both shut down again so I could rest up a little more before facing the day.

Yet here I am. Holding a coffee pot over a running faucet, gazing out at the morning sky. Watching the sun as it spreads its incandescent influence over the dark colors of the waning night, mixing into a canvas of pastel blues, purples and oranges.

I always loved watching the sky in the morning. This morning, I focused on it even more than usual, as it served as a decent, albeit tentative, distraction from how frustrated I felt at my stupid body for not letting me sleep in a little more.

As I looked down at the coffee pot for a brief moment to check how much water it had so far, I thought about the morning of my first sleepover. We were at this same house, and I was in this same kitchen at least an hour before everyone else woke up. The first time this happened, I remember wandering around the house awkwardly and aimlessly. I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do while I waited for everyone else to get up. Sure, Pinkie Pie told us to all make ourselves at home, but everyone says that when you stay over at their place. It’s just a courtesy thing. You can’t just act like you live somewhere the first time you stay over. It’s just not right. You can only do that on your fifth or sixth time. It's one of those weird unspoken rules humans have that no one actually says out loud.

It was getting close to our final exams of that semester, and the crunch was really bad. I developed a caffeine addiction so advanced I needed at least four cups of coffee throughout the day just to stave off the headaches. I really needed coffee that morning, but I was intimidated by Pinkie’s coffee maker. That sounds really silly, I know, but just hear me out.

Appliances are like their own kind of animal. Okay, that sounds even sillier, but I promise this will make sense. There are a lot of different kinds of the same appliance, right? And most of them have individual quirks that you can’t really know about unless you’ve had to deal with them frequently. Different brands have different settings, and the ones that have the same settings don’t function exactly the same across different models, and it takes a varying amount of trial and error to find the best settings for what you’re trying to make with them.

The morning of that first sleepover, I decided I’d go without coffee until everyone else woke up. So I made my way to Pinkie’s living room with a pounding headache and sat on the couch waiting for everyone else. It was the most monotonously miserable migraine I’ve ever experienced. Just sitting there, clutching my head and scrolling through the same three apps that weren’t updating because no one posts at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday.

Eventually, Pinkie Pie came downstairs and showed me how to use her coffee maker, which made me feel very stupid considering how straightforward it was. From that day forward, I realized I should probably learn how to use everyone’s coffee maker the night before so that I never run into this situation again. This knowledge turned out to be indispensable, as – aside from one time – there hasn’t been a single sleepover where anyone has awoken before me since. So the duty of coffee making in the morning always falls squarely on my shoulders.

As mentioned before, Pinkie Pie’s is the tamest beast out of all of them. Most of the buttons are pretty straightforward, meaning I don’t need to deduce how to work it from an instruction manual in a foreign language like I need to for Rarity’s fancy-pants coffee maker. It's pretty automatic, so I don’t have to do most of the work myself since it’s a machine and not one of those weird, non-electronic, manual pour-over ones like Fluttershy has. And it's pretty new! So it’s not prone to slobbering grainy, black sludge all over the counter if you put in the wrong amount of grounds or water like Applejack’s century-old one does.

I was usually relieved when I got to use Pinkie’s coffee maker. I should be happy about the fact that everything works so easily – happy for the fact that I’m not having to work as much, that I don’t have to monitor it in case it explodes. But if you can’t tell from the fact that I’m talking about something as mundane as small kitchen appliances in such detail, I could really use the distraction provided by unnecessary tedium.

While it’s true that I always wake up before everyone else, I’m also usually the first one to pass out at the end of the night. There was a period of time after the fateful Fall Formal where that wasn't the case, but I didn't like to think about that. Even at the worst of my caffeine addiction, I always fell and stayed asleep relatively easily. Sure, I had my weird 2 AM craving at Pinkie’s, but that’s never affected how I felt in the morning. That’s because a lot more than getting up, eating whipped cream, and going back to sleep happened last night.

Trying to pass out after both me and Twilight settled into our sleeping bags was a challenge I wasn’t ready for. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. About everything we said, and did. And all those weird feelings I felt. It's been like that since our conversation together a mere four and a half hours ago. I did eventually manage to pass out about an hour after the fact, but the moment I woke up, I knew my mind wasn’t going to let me fall asleep again.

The moment my eyes opened was like a gunshot, and the second it went off all my thoughts began racing in an infinity-meter dash. Trying to catch up to any one of them was next to impossible. One moment, I’d be thinking about how upset I felt when Twilight talked down on herself. The next, I’d be reliving the whipped cream embarrassment. Then my heart would start to race as I remembered her asking if she could sleep next to me.

Then I would just simply think to myself again: Twilight was cute.

In my heart of hearts, I knew why this was happening. But I was so resistant to hearing the answer. I wasn’t going to let myself say what my subconscious mind was practically shouting at me. Besides, there are so many different reasons I might be feeling all these things. All that sugar I had at an hour of the night that no one should be eating anything at all? The fact that I was half asleep when everything went down? And with how exhausted I felt now, there was no way I could expect myself to give a reliable, well-reasoned answer for what I was feeling.

Right?

Right. A big part of trusting yourself is knowing when not to trust yourself.

I sighed as I kept looking out the window, completely lost in thought.

“Sunset, darling? I think the pot is full.”

My heartrate quintupled as I jumped. I let go of the coffee pot. It made a loud crash as it collided with and spilled water all over the dishes that filled the sink below the faucet. Thankfully, there wasn't that much distance between where I was holding it and the dishes it fell onto, so the pot was completely intact.

It took me a few seconds to realize the voice that derailed my speeding train of thought was Rarity’s. At least that meant I had no further to look for a distraction now. She giggled as I tried to regain what semblance of composure I was able to.

“Or I guess it was full,” she prodded, punctuated with another laugh.

“I left my brain in my sleeping bag,” I joked back, letting out a nervous laugh after the fact.

“You must have,” responded Rarity, “It was overflowing for nearly two minutes before I snuck up behind you.”

I could feel my face heat up. That was embarrassing. I knew I was frazzled, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. Shaking my head, I filled the pot all the way back up and began to fill the water tank on the coffee maker.

“I take it you didn’t sleep all that much?” she asked.

I froze for a moment. Even with the sleep deprivation, I could tell when Rarity adopted that ‘I know something I shouldn’t know’ tone, and her voice was absolutely dripping with it. Had she woken up and heard me and Twilight in the middle of the night? Or did she spot our sleeping bags close to one another? I hedged my bets on the latter and proceeded to try and play it cool.

“I mean, I did get up in the middle of the night for some whipped cream. But I always do that. Other than that I slept fine,” I lied, “Just having a really slow-to-start morning is all.”

I grabbed the jar of coffee from the shelf nearby, scooping some up and putting it into the filter of the machine. I hadn’t turned around to face her yet, but I could tell by the lack of an immediate response that she hadn’t bought my bluff.

“I see,” she began, “So on the way back upstairs, did you just decide to pick up Twilight's sleeping bag and move it while she was in it? Because it looked pretty light to me.”

I froze again. Rarity was a wonderful friend, and I loved her just as much as the rest of my friends, but at this moment I could not think of a worse person to have picked up on what happened last night than her. At least if it were anyone else, they wouldn’t go out of their way to sound so smarmy. Except maybe Rainbow Dash.

Regardless, I sighed. There was no point in trying to hide it now. I would just have to do my best to convey that I was trying to be a good friend to Twilight and that’s it. There was nothing else to it.

“Okay, fine. You caught me,” I resigned.

She squealed in excitement, “Tell me everything! Everything that happened!”

“What do you mean ‘everything that happened’?” I replied, “When I came down to the kitchen last night, Twilight was down here and she was upset by something personal. I stuck around and talked to her for a little bit, and then we both went upstairs. That’s all.”

After I finished setting the coffee maker, I turned around and saw the smuggest, most shit-eating grin I’d ever seen on Rarity’s face before. She knew far more than just the fact that our sleeping bags were moved next to each other.

“Am I missing something?” I asked.

“Well… sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up and saw both your sleeping bags were empty,” she explained, “Then, when I went to use the restroom, I heard you both talking downstairs.”

Oh no.

“I just couldn’t help myself, so I snuck down the stairs and eavesdropped by the doorway. Just for a little while,” she admitted.

I scowled, then rolled my eyes, “I mean this in the nicest way possible, but would it kill you to mind your own business sometime?”

She looked at me apologetically. “I know that sounds upsetting, but I’m being honest when I say my intentions were good,” she appealed, “There are only a few kinds of conversations that happen late at night, and if something was wrong with either of you I wanted to be aware.”

I sighed again. She sounded sincere, but, knowing her, I wasn’t really buying it. I let her continue on anyway.

Her look went smug again. “And I didn’t want to reveal myself in case you two were having a ‘moment’ together.”

“What do you mean ‘moment’?” I questioned.

She laughed again, “Goodness, I’ve never seen someone in such denial.”

I grunted and grit my teeth in response. It was getting hard not to feel frustrated. It was still early in the morning, I was sleepless, hadn’t had my coffee, the caffeine headache was only moments away, and I could feel myself on the verge of getting nasty in a way I would later regret. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She wasn’t about to make me lose my cool. No one can do that. Sunset Shimmer doesn't lose her cool. Not anymore.

For a few moments, the only sound made was from the coffee maker slowly trickling coffee into the pot. Then, after collecting myself, I opened my mouth once more.

“Rarity, if this were any other day, at any other time of day, I wouldn’t mind playing these games with you,” I said firmly, “So before I get ugly, I’m going to ask you nicely just this once: can you please just tell me what you heard, what you saw, and what you think?”

She slumped and let out a defeated sigh, “You’re no fun, you know that?”

I gave her the nastiest glare I could muster. As she saw the intensity of my expression, she recoiled and grinned sheepishly.

“Right, sorry,” she apologized. My expression softened, and she looked back at me sympathetically.

“I started listening in around the part where you asked her why she wasn’t confident, and kept listening right up until she asked to sleep next to you. I couldn’t really see much of anything in the kitchen, though. I did see you move her stuff across the room, that was really sweet. Impressively stealthy, too.”

Relief washed over me. The last thing she mentioned was plenty embarrassing, but it wasn’t nearly as embarrassing as the thing with the whipped cream. I could take comfort in that.

The stream of liquid from the coffee maker to the pot petered out. As it finished, I grabbed a mug from one of the cabinets above it and poured myself a cup and quickly took a sip. I usually drank my coffee black, and I liked it best when it was really hot. Nothing truly wakes you up faster than molten dirt water splashing on into your mouth and down your throat. I turned around to face Rarity.

“As for what I think,” she began again, “I think it’s adorable that you have a crush on Twilight.”

Sometimes I don’t think people appreciate how considerate I am. Because despite how sleep-deprived and irritable I was, I only almost spit the searing hot contents of my mouth and throat all over Rarity’s face. Fortunately for her, at the last moment I turned to the side and spit it all over the counter. As I finished, I could feel some of the coffee that had gone down my throat run down my trachea before I started coughing uncontrollably. Rarity looked on in shock, but was also clearly amused at my clumsy and explosive reaction.

“I don’t have a–” I started to shout before another cough interrupted me. Rarity quickly grabbed some nearby paper towels and wiped up the brown fluid off the pink counter before it could stain.

After a minute or two more of coughing and gasping, I wiped away the tears that ran down my face from my now bloodshot eyes and my breathing slowly stabilized. If I wasn’t awake before, I certainly was now. I briefly wondered how quickly caffeine absorbs in the lungs as opposed to the digestive system. Then, perhaps foolishly, I had another sip. The warm liquid went a long way toward relieving the pain in my esophagus.

Leave it to Rarity to say the one thing I was trying so desperately hard to avoid. I was doing so well! I’d gone an entire night and a little bit of a morning without saying the C word. If I could have ignored it for a little bit longer, I might have been able to push that notion into the deepest recesses of my mind so I’d never have to face it again! But now, it was out in the open. It had been acknowledged. It knew its own name. And it – this crush – would provide a new and entirely unnecessary source of stress for me.

But only if I let it.

“I don’t have a crush on her,” I nearly choked saying again, “I just want to be a good friend to her. I know what she’s going through, and I want to do everything I can to give her an easier time than I had.” I was both trying to convince her and myself, but had little success, as even I could feel how hollow my words were.

Rarity smiled at me as she fetched herself her own mug. She poured herself her own cup and began mixing a little cream and sugar into it.

“I know it sounds rather presumptuous, darling, but I’ve seen and heard this before,” she explained, “And have I ever been wrong on a matter such as this?”

I frowned, narrowing my eyes at her. Her smile grew a little nervous.

“Okay, so maybe once or twice I have. But this time I’m certain I’m right. Besides, I can tell just from how she talks to you that she’s absolutely smitten with you.”

My face flushed. Is she really? No, there’s absolutely no way. I don’t even know if she swings that way. Princess Twilight is straight after all, right? I mean, it looked like she was really into Flash Sentry, so it seemed safe to assume she–

But wait, why am I thinking about this? What do I care which way Twilight swings? Her sexuality is none of my concern, because I don’t have a crush on her, and she doesn’t have one on me. We’ve only known each other for a few weeks! That’s way too soon to jump to that kind of conclusion, right?

Right?

“She is not,” I retorted, “Nothing she said yesterday gave me any indication she’d even be into other girls, let alone me.”

Rarity chuckled, “Tell me, Sunset. Do you remember when you brought up how Flash Sentry has been pining over her since she transferred?”

“Yeah?” I answered, “What about it?”

“You remember her answer, do you not?” She followed up.

“She said that she suspected he just hadn’t gotten over Princess Twilight.”

"Correct! And don't you think it's weird how unenthused she was about such a popular boy wanting her? Something like that would make any girl swoon, even if she didn't like him specifically." she questioned, her tone laden with implications about Twilight's sexuality.

"I guess, but that hardly means anything. Maybe he's not her type? There are plenty of other guys at CHS she might be interested in." I argued.

"That may be so," Rarity paused before continuing her impromptu round of 20 questions, "but what did she say after that?"

“That she got my point?” I answered. Rarity was playing games again, and I could feel my frustration building once more.

Rarity groaned, “No! She said something else after that, but she stopped herself, remember?”

I thought back to last night again. I was trying to tell her she was more attractive than she gives herself credit for. And for what it’s worth, I did find her pretty cute, but I think all my friends are a certain degree of cute. That doesn’t really mean anything.

But that’s not what I told her. She doesn’t know I’m bi. At least I don’t think she does. So I used a different example that wouldn’t sound weird. I told her there’s a popular boy who wants her, which is the truth.

And she shifted awkwardly in her seat, and looked off to the side before answering.

To be fair, I think Flash is technically yearning over a different version of me. That, and, well…

Rarity was right. She didn't seem all that excited about it. But, like I said, that by itself means absolutely nothing.

There was something else, though. She began to say something else, but when she decided against it, I just shrugged it off.

That, and, well…

Well… what? What was she afraid to say? That and what else? What did she mean? What else could she have said after that? I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to be pushy about something that's not really my business, but now that I’m thinking about it, it’s hard to imagine what she would have said after that. I could see the reason behind what Rarity was implying, but my mind was refusing to acknowledge that she had a point.

As I sat there grappling with this revelation, Rarity returned to her smug smile. “It’s okay, darling. Take your time. I’ll tell you the answer when you’re ready.”

I glared at her again, “She could have said literally anything after that. Plus, it was really late, she was clearly shaken up by her nightmares, and hadn’t been sleeping very well up to that point. Maybe she just started saying something and realized she didn’t have anything else to say.”

“Sunset, darling, please,” Rarity appealed, “Before I was being playful, but now I really want you to listen to yourself.”

“I am listening to myself! You’re just not making any sense!” I nearly shouted.

“You’re rationalizing! Let me explain in full and I promise I will!” she argued.

I furrowed my brow. The anger was certainly building, and the longer this conversation went on, the more I was beginning to crack. I even tried to open my mouth to argue once more, but instead I stopped myself and took another sip of coffee.

Maybe if she fully gets it out of her system, I can refute it and we can be done.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

“If you look at that comment in a vacuum, it’s incredibly easy to reason what she said away for any number of reasons,” she elaborated, “But put it together with everything else that was said, and everything that happened after, and it’s impossible not to see you two have it bad for one another.”

I rolled my eyes, but continued to keep my mouth shut.

“You said all those sweet things about someone you’ve only known for a few weeks. You bolstered her confidence by talking up her intelligence and attractiveness, and she sounded completely flattered by everything you said.”

“So what?” I asked.

“Twilight is the type of girl to shoot down compliments,” explained Rarity, “If any one of us tried to say she was smarter than the Princess, she would have been quick to disagree and say we were just saying that to make her feel better. But because it came from you, she let it in.”

I let out a sigh of resignation in response. She was right. If there was anything Twilight was known for, it was modesty.

She took a sip from her coffee before continuing. “And then she asked to sleep next to you? In case she has a nightmare again? Darling, it doesn’t get much gayer than that.”

I chuckled at that last remark, but I also felt the need to interject.

“Okay, I’m going to interrupt you there,” I said. “If you knew the kind of nightmares she was having, it’d make perfect sense.”

She shrugged, “That may be true, but don't you recall how she asked? Do you think a timid, jumpy girl like that would ask so shyly and meekly if her only concern was fear?"

I pointed at her and opened my mouth to argue again, but, once again, there were no words. My chances of winning this argument were really slim, weren’t they? Once again, Rarity had a point. Between the two of us, she was certainly topping the scoreboard. As I took another sip of my coffee, I noticed how much cooler it had gotten. How long had we been standing here arguing?

Rarity finished taking another sip. “And even with all that said, I still haven’t mentioned the whole thing with the whipped cream–”

If I hadn’t been through half my cup of coffee, Rarity would have gotten a faceful of it this time. That comment completely threw me off, and I almost spat it at her, but the caffeine I’d had so far gave me just enough mental wherewithal to stop myself mere moments before disaster.

“You said you didn’t see anything!” I shouted angrily.

“I-I promise I didn’t see much else!” she stammered.

“What the hell are y’all down here yellin’ about? It’s way too early for all that,” Applejack’s voice cut in as she walked down the stairs and through the kitchen doorway. Both Rarity and I looked over at her, then back at each other. I was still scowling, and she was smiling at me nervously.

“Nothing,” Rarity answered, “I was just talking about an outfit I saw Sunset in not too long ago, and she got offended when I said it didn’t look that great. That’s all!”

It was the most unconvincing answer I’d ever heard, but it was better than anything I could have come up with. Applejack didn’t look totally convinced, but she looked too half-asleep to care. Instead of giving a proper response, she just groaned and walked toward the coffee maker.

Rarity and I walked to the living room. As we did, I leaned in close to her ear.

“We’ll continue this conversation later,” I whispered through gritted teeth.

She nodded in response, looking unbothered despite my clearly annoyed tone. “Good. I’m glad you’re ready to acknowledge your feelings,” she whispered back.

There was a look of triumph on her face. She was satisfied that, while our conversation may not have had a proper conclusion, she had won when all was said and done.

In all honesty, I wasn’t that mad at her. I was just really, really hoping she hadn’t seen that moment specifically. I felt twice the embarrassment I did last night. At least with Twilight, I could count on her not to tell anyone because she barely tells anyone anything as it is. With Rarity, it was only a matter of time before she told everyone else in the group.

We both took our seats in the living room. I sat at the end of a couch while Rarity sat in one of the recliners. I drank the last of my cup of coffee and placed it down on a coaster at the end of the coffee table. We both sat silently until Applejack made her way into the room with the two of us. She took her seat on one of the other recliners as she and Rarity began having a conversation. Their words quickly devolved into white noise. My mind was too addled with exhaustion to pay attention to whatever they were saying.

At least, that was part of it.

When I said I wasn’t mad at Rarity, I meant it. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t mad at all. I was mad. At myself more than anything.

Because Rarity was right. I had it for Twilight. And I had it bad.

Twilight was cute. Twilight was so cute. She’s as cute as cute gets. As I stated before, I think all of my friends are a certain degree of cute. But as I sat there zoning out, comparing her level of cuteness to all my other friends, I realized she transcends any arbitrary rating scale I could come up with. Twilight is so cute, she gets her own definition of cute separate from everyone and everything else.

Maybe I was ready to acknowledge my feelings. That was a terrifying prospect, but it was also somewhat comforting. Part of what was so hard about getting to sleep last night was the weight of what I didn’t want to acknowledge.

How I didn’t want to acknowledge that I felt misplaced anger at the fact that she couldn’t see in herself what I saw in her. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I could pull all those genuine compliments from my head so quickly because they were all things I was already thinking. I didn’t want to acknowledge that, while I was tired when it happened, my subconscious mind knew exactly what it was doing when I wiped that whipped cream off of the tip of her nose.

I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was so happy to hear she wanted to sleep next to me because that meant that I got to sleep next to her. I got to be that close to her. I didn't want to acknowledge that while I was doing a favor for her, I was getting more out of it than she was.

I didn’t want to acknowledge that I wanted to be her fierce protector from the night. That I was secretly fantasizing about her waking up from one of those nightmares and grabbing onto me, burying her face in the crook of my neck. That I wanted to feel the breath from her nightmare-induced hyperventilation against my skin, gradually slowing as I held her close and ran my fingers through her hair. That I wanted to tell her that it’s all okay, that she’s safe, that I’m here and not going anywhere. That as long as I’m here, I won’t let anything bad happen to her.

That I wanted to feel her body relax in my arms as her panic finally subsided. And then when she would finally calm down, we’d lock eyes. She’d look at me with tears streaming down her cheeks, the salt from them staining the pillow her head rested on. And then she'd say to me

“Morning, Sunset!”

Twilight greeted me and set her mug down next to mine. She sat on the couch right next to me and smiled. The whiplash I felt from suddenly being ripped out of the subconscious fantasy I was finally mentally engaged with after hours of violently suppressing stunned me for a few seconds. I shook my head quickly and tried not to act any weirder than I undoubtedly already seemed.

“Hi, um, Twilight!”

Smooth as silk. Awash on the shore of a sandy beach.

Author's Note

Honestly wasn't expecting this chapter to be done anytime soon. Let alone it being this long. I hit a nice stride though!

11/28/22 Update: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for going over this and doing some much needed corrections!

2/14/23 UPDATE: There's a side story that takes place between this chapter and the next one. It's not required to understand anything ahead, but you can read it here.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy! :twilightsmile: