I open my eyes, ready to get started on a hard days work. But then I remember. I remember where I am, and what has happened to my life. I consider just lying in bed and allowing myself to simply wither away. No, I have plans today. It has to be today. I slowly drag myself out of bed and put on Paw’s Stetson. I go to the restroom and splash water on my face, waking myself up, as I think back on how this hat, that I can’t even remember Paw without seeing it on his head, became mine.
It was a Bright shiny day. It seemed a day like any other. It should have been like any other. I woke up that day with a bad feeling. A feeling that I would later learn to associate with my element of harmony. It told me something was off. Something bad would happen, that I needed to stop. Of course I was just a filly then, and I thought I might just be coming down with something. It was the day of the Grand Galloping Gala my Ma and Pa were heading out to sell a big bunch of apples. Pa said they were bound to bring in a big pile of bits.
I guess he noticed that I looked a little worried. He smiled down at me and dropped his Stetson on my head. I was amazed that he had taken it off, I tried to look up at him but his hat kept falling down over my eyes. I remember him saying “now dontchu be worryin none about us lil apple” he used my filly-hood nickname “we’ll be back in a few days an I'll buy you a hat jus like mine. Till then, how bout you hold on ta that for me?” all I could do was nod my head excitedly as Ma and Pa began to make there way down the dirt path away from the farm. By the time I managed to lift Paw’s Stetson away from my eyes they were gone.
That was the last time I saw either of them before the funeral. I wish I could say I ran for revenge after the killer, and stood proudly as I served out justice. But there was no justice to be served. No killer to seek revenge against. It was just a terrible accident. The carriage hit a bump and swerved into a tree just outside of Ponyville. They were crushed. I later found out that Pa didn’t die immediately. He laid there in intense pain. A piece of wood jutting out of his stomach hoping for a rescue that never came as his dead wife lay beside him. But that came out years later in an argument with Big Mac.
After that, Granny Smith came to stay with us. She started to take care of us while Big Mac took care of the farm work and I mostly raised Apple Bloom. That was where it all started. Things got better later. Much better. I made friends. I became a hero. Heck I even got kinda famous. But for every rise there must be a fall. I think I read that in one of Twi’s books. But boy did I fall...
I splash my face again trying to wipe away the fresh tears that had begun streaming down my cheeks. Then I brace myself for what is to come. Today is the day, and I need to get things ready.
I put on my saddlebags and walk out of my room, brushing a spider web out of my way, as I walk over to Apple Blooms room. The tears begin to flow again as I step through the doorway. I haven’t walked in here since the day she left. I see all the tools and crafts she would fill her room with and all random little things she used to collect on her ‘crusading’ with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. I find what I'm looking for pinned to the wall. The little pink bow she always wore as a filly. That’s how I always remember her. An innocent little filly searching for her place in the world. As I pull the bow down from the wall I can’t help but think about the last time I saw my sweet little sister.
I was pretty drunk. It seems I was always drunk in those days. I was screaming at her from down stairs “stop building those useless toys and help me buck the damn apples!” she came out of her room yelling “how the hay am I supposed to start up a business if I'm always busy bucking stupid apples” We had had this argument a thousand times, and she always gave in. I always had my way. But not this time. “STUPID?! HOW DARE YOU CALL APPLES STUPID?! THIS IS OUR NAMESAKE YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!” I raised my voice as loud as I could as I screamed at her and I said something I never ever should have said “BIG MAC WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU YA SELFISH FOAL!”
Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes at me as she walked slowly down the stairs. Once she was right in front of my she turned around and bucked my in the face. In my drunken state all I could do was fall and hold my bruised face as I looked up at my seething sister. With nothing but hatred in her voice she said “don’t you EVER talk about him in front of me. What happened to Big Mac AND this farm is your fault. Some hero you are. You can’t even save your own damn brother from yourself”
She stared down at me as tears fell from my face and blood ran from my nose. When I looked back in her eyes all I saw was pure hatred. She looked like she had made her mind up about something as she ran back upstairs and all I heard was silence. About fifteen minutes later she came down stairs with her tool belt around her waist and a full set of saddlebags on her back.
“where the hay do you think your going? We got work to do!” I growled at her as I pressed an icepack to my nose “out” was her only response as she walked out of the house and slammed the door behind her. I never heard from her again. Later I heard from rainbow dash that she had stayed with Scootaloo for a while until she could afford her own place. I tried to hunt her down and make amends to her a few times, but if anyone knew where she was, they weren’t telling me. She was the last family I had left and I just about threw her out the door myself.
I lay in Apple Blooms old bed for a few hours before I could pull myself together and stop the flow of tears. I have so much pain in my heart, most of which I caused myself. But I can’t think about that right now. I got work to do. I pull myself to by hooves and place Apple Blooms Bow in my bag.
I walk down stairs and out the front door. The first thing I notice is the first thing I always notice when the wind is blowing ever so slightly, The small squeak of Granny smiths rocking chair and the scarf she always wore around her neck flapping in the wind, as it hangs on the back of the chair. As I pick up the scarf that after all these years still smells like Granny, I think back to the last time I spoke to her
She was lying on her death bed with all of her grandchildren and nieces and nephews around her, with varying expressions of grief and despair. The only one with a smile on her face was granny smith. At one point she had told me that everything comes to end. Even the princesses are gonna die one day. Granny Smith was just happy that she got stay this long and watch her family grow to be happy and strong. I was happy that she was able to be so brave about death, but the rest of us couldn’t stand the thought of the apple family moving on without our matriarch. Twilight, who was our family doctor at this point, had told us she would be surprised of Granny Smith made it through the night, so Granny Smith had us all one by one come into her room so she could speak to us alone. Some of us left that room in tears, others with a bitter sweet smile on their faces.
Braeburn, who I can hardly even think of without that excited and goofy smile on his face, left our house with tears streaming down his face, and a proud look in his eye, but no smile. He didn’t smile for a long time after that.
Big Mac, who didn’t even shed a tear at Ma and Paw’s funeral, he was much too proud to succumb to tears then, left that room sobbing and bawling his eyes out. He ran out into the field to be alone and we didn’t hear from him for hours.
Apple Bloom left the room with a sad and confused look on her face. She was angry about whatever Granny Smith had told her that day for a long time, but later she told me that Grannies words helped her get her Cutie mark. She always refused to explain how.
When it was finally my turn, I was scared to walk through that door way. I knew this may be the last time I ever spoke to Granny Smith and I was afraid to say something stupid or that she would tell me I was a screw up, or a million other things, but I knew I would hate myself if I didn’t speak to her one last time, so I braced myself and went in. When I saw her she had this proud look in her eyes, and even though she was so small and fragile I thought that I had never seen a stronger Mare.
I was unsure what to do or say so I just stood there awkwardly by the door until granny motioned for me to sit down beside her. She then said “now cheer up lil apple” she said using the nickname that I hadn’t heard in almost thirteen years. “it ain’t like you’re not gonna see me again. Course I hope that’s gonna be a long way away” I tried to reply to this but my throat was clogged with tears
“ya gotta be strong ya hear? That big galoot of a brother a yours likes to think he’s in charge” she said playfully “but you know that both he and Apple Bloom lean on you when they need help, you need to be strong for them, cuz I won’t be here anymore except right here” she weakly poked me in the chest, although on the wrong side “now I know theres a lot left unsaid between us but I just want you to know I love you.” She sighed sadly ”now send your cousin Golden Delicious in, I got a lot a Apples to talk to today”
I just nodded my head as I sobbed, trying to be strong like Granny said. I motioned for Golden Delicious to go in as I ran to my room to cry. Granny Smith died a few Hours later while talking to Apple fritter. Fritter was the last Apple in the house aside from me my brother and my sister. She forced herself to stay long enough to talk to every single member of her family. Granny Smith was definitely the strongest mare I’ve ever met
I come out of my reverie with tears soaking my face. I place Grannies scarf in my saddlebag and head for the barn.
“hey AJ!” I hear from the skies above. I look up in time to see a rainbow colored blur speed towards me. She lands in front of me saying “hey AJ what-“ she sees the tears on my cheeks before I manage to whip them away “you OK?”
“yea I just.. been thinkin bout my family a lot today” I see that look of sympathy in her eye that I’ve become oh so familiar with before she nuzzles me affectionately
“I’m sorry AJ, I know it’s tough”. No you don’t, shut your damn mouth.
“I’m fine RD, I’m just kinda nostalgic today.. I don’t guess you’ve heard from Apple Bloom lately?”
I see the lie in her eyes before she even says “no sorry AJ, but Scoots tells me she’s doing great. Business for her toy shop has been booming”
I don’t blame any of my friends from hiding Apple Bloom from me. She doesn’t want anything to do with me, so I need to stay away
“well thanks anyway Rainbow” I give her a quick but tight hug then start heading for the barn calling over my shoulder “sorry to brush you off like this, but I’m kinda busy”
“alright” she calls as she starts to lift off “I’m late for practice with spitfire anyway. See you later!”
I’m real proud of that girl. She’s finally living her dream. She’s a Wonder Bolt! The best in my opinion. But I’ve hardly seen her since she joined the Bolts. I’ve hardly seen any of my friends lately .
Rainbow is always off with the bolts.
Twilight and Spike spend half their time as a Diplomats, between the dragons and the princesses, and the other half spike spends helping rarity, and Twilight spends writing some research paper or another.
Rarity of course has become so successful in recent years she spends more time running her business than making dresses.
Ever since Pinkie really got to know That DJ pony she spends all night out partying and all day either asleep or helping at sugar cube corner.
And of course ever since that incident with the mantacore, Fluttershy has hardly left her house except when one of her friends or animals direly needed her
As I think of my friends and how their lives have taken turns for the better or worse I walk into the barn and walk to the back where I left Big Macs Yoke hanging on the wall. I haven’t seen this old thing for years. I haven’t let myself look at it. Too much pain to bear. Too much guilt. As I take it off the wall and move it to the center of the barn, I let the tears flow down my face and think back on the worst mistake of my life
It had been a year since Granny Smith passed away, and we had all adjusted. Apple Bloom had gotten her cutie mark and Big Mac and I were real happy for her. With Granny Smith gone Big Mac and I had to split our time more between working the farm and watching after Apple Bloom. More often than not one of us would play with Apple Bloom while the other worked the farm which meant a lot more work for the one on the farm. There were many times where my friends would try to convince us to hire some help, but we refused every time. That damn Apple pride wouldn’t let an outsider work our land. In hindsight we should have listened.
We took on too much work and were always exhausted when it was time to be with Apple Bloom or our friends. At one point I was watching the Cutie Mark Crusaders play and I saw Scootaloo jump off of the club house trying to fly, of course she was still too unskilled to fly without an adult Pegasus around. If I had been in a right state of mind I could have caught her, but I hesitated and she landed with a sickening crunch. Both her hind legs broke.
I took her home, doctored her up, and let her cry on my shoulder until Cherilee came and took her home. Neither she nor Rarity ever let me watch the crusaders again, and I can’t blame them. It was my fault Scootaloo broke her legs. If I had been more attentive I would have realized what she was doing before she even jumped.
So I promised I wouldn’t take as much of a work load. And rest more. Of course this was an empty promise as I couldn’t just brush all of that work off on Big Mac. I was supposed to be the strong one here. Granny Smith left me in charge.
So I kept working. One day as I was pulling the Apples I had bucked down into the Cellar, barely keeping myself conscious, Big Mac came out and said “let me take over sis, you need some rest”
“no” I huffed out “you need your rest too. It’s my turn to work, and ain’t you supposed to be with Apple Bloom anyway?”
“Rarity came and took her for a Cutie Mark Crusader sleepover” he informed me with a slight smile in his voice. Oh how I miss that voice. “So I’m completely free and you look dead on yer feet, so please go get some rest”
“NO” I replied once again “Granny Smith left ME in charge, and that means I can’t let you get overworked! That’s MY job. Now move outa my way before I buck you in the head!”
“well at least let me help” he bent his head down to connect the secondary reigns of the apple wagon to his yoke, but I pushed him out of the way causing him to stagger a bit. If I had been more alert I would have wondered why I was able to make him stagger with such a slight push
“NO this is MY turn to work” I started to yell at him as I got into his face “now get that big red butt of yours back in the house before i-“ I never finished that sentence, because I pushed him and he fell down into the open cellar, that I hadn’t realized was so close. He fell down, down, down. And every sickening crunch brought tears to my eyes, as he hit the stairs again and again, until all I heard was silence.
I ran down into the cellar yelling “Mac! Mac! Are you OK?! Please be OK!” there were red splotches all over the steps. As I reached the bottom I knew. I knew but I refused it. My brother had to be alive. If he were dead that meant it was my fault. If he were dead that meant I killed him. I killed my own flesh and blood. I killed the only person I was ever absolutely sure I could rely on. It couldn’t be true.
I curled up in the corner and stared at the mangled body in front of me. I sat there for hours. I stayed all night, and then some. I heard the voices yelling and searching. My friends and sister looking for me and my brother... my victim. It was hours more before Twilight came down into the cellar, her horn aglow with some kind of tracking spell. Somehow the first thing she saw was me and she smiled, and began to call to me. Then she took in the whole picture. She didn’t see a murderer and her victim. She saw a grieving sister mourning over the accidental death of her brother.
She ran to me and held me. She told me that everything would be OK. She tried to carry me out but I wouldn’t move. She tried to telekinetically lift me, but as she would later tell me, my grief was too strong. Even HER magic couldn’t touch me for risk of affecting her as well. So she went to get help. It took both Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash to pull me out. For once even Pinkie couldn’t crack a smile.
They dragged me into the house and put me in bed where twilight awkwardly began to ask me what happened. So I told her. I told them all that I was a murderer. That I killed my brother. They all tried to refute me. They would say “but it was an accident” and “you didn’t mean to”
None of them would let me take the blame that I deserved. Except Apple Bloom. I saw it in her eyes. She blamed me. She saw me for what I was. A murderer.
I couldn’t even bring myself to go to Big Macs funeral. A murderer can’t go to her victims funeral. I started drinking after that. Really bad. Most of my friends tried to stop me, but pinkie and dash drank right alongside me. Until I started getting violent. Then they just made sure I was safe. They knew I wouldn’t stop till I was ready so they made me stay at home and took Apple Bloom to Rarity’s or Cherilees, until I sobered up. Apple Bloom never forgave me for Big Macs death and that’s OK. I don’t deserve forgiveness
The tears are flowing openly now. I’m sobbing and gasping for breath. But I won’t let that stop me. This needs to be done. I empty my saddle bags and place the things I've collected throughout the day in a circle around me. My paw’s Stetson, Apple Blooms Bow, Granny Smiths scarf, and Big Macs yoke. I lay it all around me then I reach for the kerosene that we’ve always kept in the barn. I begin to douse my families possessions , then I splash the kerosene all over the Barn. After I’m sure that nothing is safe from the flammable liquid except myself, I take away that exception as well. I close my eyes and pour the remaining kerosene over my head. I make sure my entire body is completely soaked.
I then reach into my saddlebags and grab the box of matches inside. I pull one out and whisper to myself “no more pain. No more suffering. No one else getting hurt because of me, and no more waking up to that empty house, with nothing to bring warmth to my heart but cider”
I brace myself for my final release and with one final tear falling from my cheek I light the match.
I thought this would hurt. I thought I would be getting the punishment I deserve. But as I watch the barn alive with flames all around me, all I feel is warmth. Maybe it’s just the fire slowly burning away my senses, but I could swear I can hear my Paw’s voice. I can smell Granny Smith. I feel Big Mac leaning on me like always did when we were tired. I feel happy for the first time in years.
As my strength drains away from me and all the flame around begins to turn into nothing but a bright light, I see the big doors in front of me burst open. The room is flooded with an intense light, so much purer than the light around me, and I see a little yellow mare who looks strangely familiar calling my name.
