Saints Row: Mayhem Is Magic

“Alright everyone, we’ve got some serious shit to discuss. The row has become a dangerous place, none like we’ve ever seen before. In the past, these gangs would steer clear of one another, but now, the tension’s boiled enough that they’re willing to do it everyday. You see, when I formed the Saints, I had plans to take these gangs down and make the Row a safer place for its civilians, but clearly, it’s gonna be harder than first-assumed” Julius said, and he saw a hand raised, “What is it, Pinks?”

“Uhm, just wondering, but… will there be any time for parties?” she asked, and a lot of the members looked at her weird

“Not when we have corrupt gangs terrorizing our city, we won’t” he said, seeing her frown a little, “Moving on, each lieutenant will be assigned to a gang. Dex, you’re handling the Carnales. Ever since they hooked up with the Colombians, it’s like they own this town, and with that drug money rollin’ in, we can’t compete. Be smart how you move against ‘em. The Lopez family’ve been runnin’ that gang for thirty years. There’s a reason why they’re still around”

“Got it” Dex responded

“Troy, I’m taskin’ you with the Vice Kings” Julius said to Troy as his face flushed pale with a scowl

“Not a chance, Jules…” Troy responded with a straight face

“Fuck you say?!” Julius barked in response

“Anyone but them” Troy bargained

“E-Excuse me… but, Mr. Troy…” Flutters asked, getting his attention

“What is it?” he replied

“If you’re a… commanding officer of our gang… why are you so scared?” she asked him, and he looked even paler now as all the members looked at him weird

“I’m not-! you wouldn’t understand, damnit!” Troy shouted, sending Flutters cowering behind Rares

“Enough barking at the girl, Troy” Julius eased

“Look, if Troy won’t do it, I will” Dash said, stepping up front and center, and Johnny smiled, standing by her

“Dash, you’re not a lieutenant, let alone capable of wielding a gun without it spiraling back into your hands. What makes you think I’d allow it?” Julius asked her, and she looked nervous, but then Julius saw Johnny’s expression change, “Johnny, you serious?”

“You bet your ass I’m serious. She’s got the energy, and hey, I know I’m a bit of a loose cannon, but I’m sure she can keep me under control” Johnny said, and Dash just blushed in a flustered manner

“Hmmmmm, alright. Troy, keep an eye on them” Julius said

“Are you fu-“ Johnny nearly said

“Johnny, knowing you, you could easily wrap her ‘round your finger and there’d be no end to your carnage” Julius said

“You’re no fun!” Johnny and Rainbow shouted as Troy nodded in Julius’s direction.

“Excuse me, Julius?” Sparks asked, hand raised

“What?” Julius responded

“You forgot one last gang, Rollerz was it? Who’s got them?” Sparks asked as high heels were heard

“I am” a voice said, and everyone looked to see a girl walk into the room

“Lin? The fuck you wearin’ blue for?” Johnny asked Lin

“I asked Lin to hook up with the Rollerz. Not much is known about these fuckas, so I figured it’d be best to have someone on the inside” Julius explained

“Oh M Gosh! I love your outfit!” Pinks said, admiring Lin’s outfit as she looked at her weird

“Thanks, I guess?” Lin responded, puzzled

“You’ll get used to it, Lin” Julius said, “Now, more importantly, we got eight recruits here that can be divided amongst the three lieutenants. Pick your recruits to take on the gangs with. Johnny’s already got one, so that leaves seven recruits left. Take your pick, and choose carefully” Julius explained

“Playa, you’re with us” Troy said, and Playa walked over as the two lieutenants, Dash, and Playa all stood together

“Guess I’ll need smarts. Sparks, Flutters, Rares, you’re with me in tackling the Carnales” Dex said as the three girls walked over to him, standing by him

“Leavin’ me last, huh? Whatever. Pinks, Jackie, Derps, you’re with me” Lin said, and the last three girls joined her, standing alongside her

“Now that that’s sorted, you all know what to do. It’s our time now, let’s get this shit started” Julius concluded, and everyone left in groups.

First things first was the introduction to the Rollerz. Lin had info on the Rollerz and contacted the girls ahead of time… after they learned to drive, that was.

Once they got there, they hid behind some boxes, watching carefully as some Rollerz approached with Lin

“That’s a sweet ride, Lin” one member complimented

“Who tuned it for ya?” the other asked her

“No one, I did it myself” Lin said, trying to avoid much conversation

“The spoiler looks like Donnie’s work” the black member said

“Nah, that underglow screams Ricky Liu, you trippin’” the white one said

“What are you, fuckin’ third graders?” Lin asked sarcastically as the two members looked puzzled

“What’s that mean?” the black one asked stupidly

“Forget it, see y’all tomorrow” she said, and the two members left, talking about who Lin wanted

After the two members were out of earshot, the three girls came out from behind boxes

“Ya don’t actually want either ‘o them, do ya?” Jackie asked, and Lin rolled her eyes

“Fuck no. More importantly, I heard there’s a shipment of high performance cars comin’ in by truck. Your job is to hijack it-“ Lin attempted to finish

“Hijack means?” Pinks asked, clearly confused, and Lin groaned

“It means steal, Pinks. Don’t ask anymore questions, got it?” Lin asked, and Pinks nodded rapidly, “Good. Now, as I was saying, you’re meant to track the truck down, hijack it, take it to a buddy of mine, Samson, and he’ll rig the cars up with some nasty surprises, then finish the delivery. Now, take your car, find that truck, take it to Samson, then deliver it dressed as deliverywomen. Once the fireworks go off, call me up on your phones, one of you” Lin finished as Jackie nodded

“You can count on us!” Jackie said in a eager voice

“Great, now get going before anyone sees us all together” Lin said, and they split from there with no time wasted.

Moments later…

“Damnit Pinkie! Those damn Rollerz keep aimin’ for our tires! Aim for their heads!” Jackie shouted over the sound of the truck roaring down the freeway. Jacking the truck was easy, but dealing with its convoy wasn’t, and Jackie had already taken a bullet to the arm

“Kinda hard to do in a moving vehicle!” Pinkie shouted, firing at the incoming Rollerz with an AK-47, while Derpy reloaded weapons for Pinkie whenever she ran dry

Pinkie kept squinting her eyes as the wind blew in them, her poofy hair throwing her off every now and again, but surely enough, she did pop a few drivers’ heads, and some tires too, allowing them to get the truck to Samson’s.

As they came out, Jackie dialed up Lin, and Lin picked up, “it’s done?”

“Eeyup, though Pinks has got to work on her aim” Jackie commented

“Hey! It was decent enough! It just had to be done through trial and error!” Pinks argued

“And I reloaded weapons!” Derps cheered as Lin groaned audibly over the phone

“Good job, you three. I’ll update you once Samson’s finished” Lin said, immediately hanging up

As there was silence between the three, Pinks asked, “So… who wants to go to Freckle Bitch’s?”

“Eh sure. ‘Parently they got vegan obtions too” Jackie said as they all jacked a car and drove to Freckle Bitch’s

“Just curious, but what’s with the Los Carnales?” Dash asked, getting a chuckle out of Gat and a sigh out of Dex

“It’s just the Carnales” Dex said with another facepalm

“Shut up Dex” Dash and Johnny said in unison

As they were talking, the Playa walked in, and Johnny noticed him, “Ah, take a seat”

The Playa did so, turning it around and sitting on it, listening closely.

“So, wanna know why the Vice Kings are the Vice Kings?” Johnny asked as the Playa nodded silently, “Good. Vice Kings are named after one guy, Benjamin King. Shit like that don’t happen ‘less you’re a professional or a bad ass, or in king’s case, both” Johnny said as his phone rang, and he took it out, “Hold up y’all, I gotta take this” he said, answering the phone as he recognized who it was, “Aisha, what a pleasant fucking surprise…”

“Aisha?” Dash whispered quietly before being told to shush

As Johnny was on the phone, the voice on the other end got louder and more erratic, “Okay sl- damn, you ain’t even tryin’ to slow down, you just gettin’ louder” Johnny said as the phone went quiet, and then he smiled, “Better, now what?” Johnny asked as murmuring was heard, “Shit, where’s she headed? Don’t worry, I got it under control” Johnny said as he hung up

“What’s up?” Dex asked

“Some mother fucker’s grabbed Aisha’s sister right off the damn street!” Gat complained

“Damn, that’s the sixth one this month. We know who’s doin’ this?” Dex asked

“Who fuckin’ else other than the Vice Kings, obviously“ Johnny stated

“No goddamn way. You damn well know kidnapping ain’t King’s style” Dex argued

“Look, I don’t give a damn whether it’s him or that bitch slut of a lieutenant she is, Tanya. Aisha said they were driving a yellow sedan. Dash, Playa, get a car and tail those bitches back to wherever the hell they go, and rescue the damn girls!” Johnny said, nearly shouting

“You got it! C’mon Playa!” Dash bolted outside, and a pedestrian later screamed

“Get on it, Playa, she’s havin’ all the fun without ya” Johnny said, and the Playa left the room

Hours later, the two gang members tailed the car back to the warehouse.

“Why do people do nasty shit like this to women? It’s not okay” Dash said, cocking her gun, “Now, let’s pop some skulls” she said, and the Playa smiled as they walked into the warehouse

There were a good amount of Vice Kings in there, but they were no match for Dash’s hand to hand, and Playa’s accuracy. Once the warehouse was cleaned out, they rescued the girls after kicking the door down, later dropping them off at the church

Los Carnales was next on the agenda, so Dex called up Sparks, letting her know about what to do

When the girls got there, they entered, seemingly quietly too, as Dex hadn’t noticed them till he turned around, “Oh, hey girls, didn’t see you enter in. Check this out”

Sparks saw the board, stroking her chin softly, “What’s this about, Dex?”

“As you can see here, the Carnales were the first crime-“

“Isn’t it the Los Carnales?” Flutters asked

“No! Goddamn it, it’s not the Los Carnales! I ain’t goin’ over this shit again!” he said, clearing his throat, “Now, as I was sayin’, the Carnales were the first gang to ever be formed in Stilwater, and had the whole damn town owned before Ben King stepped up against them. Add in the fact that they’re backed by one of the world’s largest drug cartels, and y’all will understand why we ain’t gonna be pullin’ a Johnny anytime soon” Dex said, seeing Sparks raise her hand, “What now?”

“What’s a ‘Johnny’ and why can’t we pull one?” she asked him as he groaned

“Basically, we’re not gonna do what Johnny would do, which is go straight for the leader. It’s best to kill their source of income, that way they have less of a chance to return with a new leader or more reinforcements” Dex explained, “They should be easy to find with your GPS”

“Just a question, dear, but… do we have to… hurt anyone?” Rares asked as Dex looked at her like she was fuckin’ stupid, and groaned.

“No, you shouldn’t have to, rather, you’re just blowing up their drug labs to uh… stop them from producin’ drugs. Make sense?” he asked them

“That makes sense! Drugs are very devastating to the world and only cause trouble” Sparks said with confidence, “We’ll get right on it! C’mon girls!” she said, running out with Flutters and Rares

“I’ll never understand those damn girls…” Dex said, sighing as he wandered off elsewhere

Later, the three girls were driving down a road silently. They had blown up the drug labs like Dex told them to, though they didn’t account for the blast on the first one, and Rarity’s hair was ruined

“My poor hair… it’s a disaster!” she wailed, crying into Fluttershy’s shoulder, her cries becoming more and more muffled

“Look on the bright side, Rarity, at least we’ll have proved that we’re capable of getting things done” Twilight said, trying to make light of the situation

“But my hair… a lot of it burned! Now I look hideous!” Rarity almost screamed as Fluttershy comforted her

“Rarity, I’m sure it’s fine. It’ll grow back.” Fluttershy reassured, “Should we write to Princess Celestia at some point?”

“Definitely. We need to inform her of our situation and know where she stands on it” Twilight said, keeping an eye on the road as she went down it.