You And Me Against The World

by Slippin_Sweetie

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Them's Fightin' Herds, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Comedy
Length: 3354

Oleander had already dabbled in the forbidden art of dark magic from Unicornomicon. Why not dabble in some alcohol fueled forbidden romance too? Or more realistically a horrible hangover and teasing from a demonic dictionary.

Oleander and her 'friend' or, more accurately, her business partner FHTNG or Fred. Have a bender during their travels in Reine City. However, a horrible headache and awkward small talk won't be the worst thing to happen during their trip.

Updated 9-18-22 with major edits by https://www.fimfiction.net/user/338193/TheAncientPolitzanian

Published 2022-09-14 12:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2022-09-17 16:23:03 UTC

Tavern Talk

The tundra’s frigid wind sliced at Oleander’s flesh like a razor, and the unicorn’s once dark face became irritated and puffy. Her red cheeks practically glowed in the sun’s dim light. The mare trembled in the frosted frozen wasteland, clinging desperately to her book as it radiated heat from his pages.

The book shifted his pages, pinching them together until they formed into something akin to lips, before speaking, “How far til we reach Reine City? I’m freezing.”

Oleander scoffed. “You’re freezing? I can barely feel my face!” The mare desperately rubbed the hard leather-like book on her face.

“Woah, hey, not so fast; you’ll make me dizzy!” fretted the demonic dictionary. He began feeling queasy from Oleander, rapidly shaking him up and down her face.

Oleander rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up; you don’t even have a stomach!”

Fred scoffed. Two sets of small glowing violet eyes peered from between the book’s pages, scanning the endless amount of ice and snow covering the earth, before examining the unicorn holding him.

“For your sake, how exactly far are we from Reine?”

The dark unicorn squinted as she peered toward the distance. “It can’t be more than a few miles. Just keep the heat coming, and we’ll be fine….peanuts?” offered Oleander.

The book used his front cover to wave off the mare’s offer. “Oh no, thank you, I much prefer pistachios.”

Using her magic, Oleander popped a few salty peanuts from her saddlebags into her mouth.

“Suit yourself, and you better not complain about being hungry when we get to Reine because I am not using my salt to buy an overpriced bowl of slop,” crunched Oleander.

“C’mon, Ollie, I heard the deer have an excellent mushroom stew.”

“Praytell, how would you hear anything about any stew if you’ve been with me for the past THIRTEEN SEASONS!” snapped the mare.

“Well, I wasn’t with you all the time. I had a nice existence sitting on a bookshelf before you came along. It was nice; I got dusted every so often,” chuckled Fred.

Oleander rolled her eyes, focusing on what was ahead of her; a tinge of anger flared inside her. The biting cold and Fred’s biting quips were starting to irritate her. Finally, the massive walls of Reine and the gentle glow of lantern light were visible through the thick wall of ice and snow that whipped through the air.

The enchantress didn’t hesitate before galloping desperately toward the pristine city of Deerfolk.

“Ollie-”

“Shh, quiet down, Fred," she hissed. "You know the rules about speaking around other creatures!”

The mare quickly felt her front hooves slide off the ice as she was propelled forward, slipping and slamming her face into the ground as she spiraled across the ice and snow.

Fred had levitated just above the unicorn to avoid hurting himself as he hissed, folding his pages inward as if they were biting a hypothetical lip as she skid to a stop.

Fred smacked his lips, “I-”

Oleander slowly peeled herself off the ice as she gave the floating book a glare. “Don’t you even think about it.” She quickly snatched the book and pressed it close to her chest, desperate for its warmth.

Entering the diminutive border town just before the city gate. Oleander scanned her surroundings, seeing the wagon trains of cattle traders who’d come to barter their fresh milk for entry or salt. She wasn’t sure if it was pragmatic or corrupt that creatures other than deer had to deal with the guardsdeer for access.

But before her mind could ponder any deeper on that question, her attention quickly shifted to the warm and welcoming-looking tavern and inn right across the caravan of cattle. Oleander quickly but cautiously made haste toward the establishment lest she fell on the ice again before barging inside.

The warmth of the building welcomed her as if it were a long-lost friend. She quickly embraced her new surroundings as she let out a pleasurable sigh. It was cozy and straightforward looking, with a large bar in the center with the barkeep manning his position and several cattle drinking the bitter cold and their troubles away.

It could’ve been a literal pigsty, and she would still be happy to sit down and have a drink. Lest she spent another minute potentially getting hypothermia or listening to Fred’s complaining.

Oleander approached the bar and sat down on the stool. “What do you have to drink?”

“Mead,” replied the bartender. “One salt block for a pint.”

Oleander didn’t like mead; she’d much prefer something more refined, like a fine wine or cocktail. But she needed something, anything, to temper the cold chill running up her spine. She grabbed the small pouch hanging next to her saddlebags and poured two salt cubes onto the counter.

The barkeep graciously accepted the salt before quickly pouring the unicorn two pints of mead from the tab. The frothy beverage spilled into the wooden kuksa’s before the barkeep carefully placed each mug on the counter.

Oleander using her magic, lifted the kuksas as she carried them to a table in the corner of the tavern that had a thin veil of shadow to mask them. She placed the mugs on the table before setting Fred on the chair opposite of her.

The demon’s shadowy hand crept out of the book before gripping the mead, slowly pouring the contents of the mug onto its pages. A horrible muffled gurgling echoed from the Unicornomicon.

“Fred, cut it out; we’re trying to keep a low profile,” the mare quietly whispered as she scolded Fred. She gingerly sipped the bitter beverage. Her face scrunched up as her expression soured, glaring at the amber-colored liquid as she smacked her lips disapprovingly.

“What’s the matter, Ollie? Can’t stomach anything above the finest of wines?” chuckled Fred as he doused himself in more booze.

Oleander scowled. “I could drink you under the table if I wanted.”

“Oh yeah? What’s stopping you?” Fred sneered as his pages crumpled into something resembling a scowl.

She rolled her eyes at Fred’s attempt to egg her on. “We’re trying to keep a low profile, remember? How would these cattle and deer react if they saw some horrifying demon having a drinking contest with a unicorn?”

“I think they’d be thoroughly entertained. Look at them, Ollie; these miserable bastards could use some entertainment. All of them are either bored out of their minds or too out of it to realize what’s happening.”

Oleander peered around the room; most of the patrons were well and truly out of their minds. Happily content in their drunken state or too miserable to care about their surroundings, anyone who wasn’t wholly hammered was constantly attending to these fools. It was a pitiful sight, to be sure.

The mare took a deep, ragged breath before turning back to the possessed book. “Fine, we’ll have a couple of drinks, but I’m not going to participate in any sort of binge with you.”

Fred raised his darkened arm defensively. “Alright, alright, don’t get your tail in a twist.”

The pair slammed their final kuksa down as it rattled the table, knocking a few emptied cups to the floor. The mare let out an acidic belch, groaning as she began to lean back in her chair. A warm fuzzy feeling encompassed her head and chest as she began rubbing her cheeks playfully, giggling to herself.

“You know, Fred,” she slurred, “you’re like…my best friend in all of Fœnum; you don’t judge or put up with superficial nonsense! Those fools from the Woodlands were wrong about you, about dark magic, and about their draconian cult!”

Fred drummed his shadowy fingers against the wooden table as his pages began to twist into a smile. “You’re just saying that to butter me up.”

“I’m" - She hiccuped - "not, Fred.” She reached across the table, grasping the book with her hooves., “Fred, you are my best friend, like, ever….” She sniffled as her blue eyes began to burn with tears.

Fred clammed up as he slammed himself shut. “Ollie, please don’t cry; people are starting to stare….”

The unicorn lumbered around and scanned for any cattle or deer who could potentially be watching them, glaring at the crowd bitterly.

“Ollie, I know that face. Ollie, don’t-”

The mare took a deep breath before opening her mouth. “Hey!-”

Fred quickly slammed his hand over her mouth. “I already regret pressuring you to drink; please don’t embarrass yourself,” pleaded the demon, attempting to reason with the drunken unicorn.

Oleander squirmed against the phantom’s hand that now wrapped around her mouth and head, letting out a muffled scream as she rocked in her chair.

Fred released an exhausted sigh. “Ollie, don’t make me possess you; I will drag you to bed if I have to.” He was already regretting his poorly thought-out prank. Never again would he outdrink this prideful fool he had foraged a pact with.

Oleander mumbled into Fred’s hand as she gestured for him to let go. Fred slowly released the mare.

Oleander rubbed her puffy red eyes as she rested her head on the table, burping again as she sighed. “You never let me have fun; you’re just like The Order….”

Fred extended his arm from his pages as he stroked the mare’s mane. “You don’t mean that; you’ll forget about this in the morning.”

Oleander scoffed. “Pffft…yeah…whatever.”

Fred sighed. “Remind me never to let you drink again, yeah?”

Oleander peeled off the wooden table as she staggered to her hooves. “Let’s…get a room. I think I’m about to pass out….mmm….” The mare quickly collapsed on the floor as she began snoring.

Fred sighed as he flopped on the floor and opened himself up. His long black arm crept out of the book’s pages as he dragged himself toward Oleander. He thanked every demon lord that no one had noticed him as he began attempting to wake up his drunken comrade.

“Ollie….Ollie….Oleander, wake up,” pleaded the demon.

Oleander groaned as she forced her eyes open. She grumbled and attempted to string together some semblance of a sentence, with only a slurred cacophony escaping her lips.

Fred rubbed his pages as if they were his face, letting out a frustrated sigh. “Alright, I didn’t want to do this, but you forced my hand; I’m taking over.”

He slammed his shadowy being into Oleander. His presence seeped into the mare as he quickly took control of the unicorn’s consciousness. It was effortless since she was too drunk and exhausted to resist his possessive puppeteering.

He hobbled and wobbled on his set of newfound legs as he attempted to get used to having a physical body after so long.

“Deep breath, don’t forget to breathe; mortals need to breathe….” he panted, slowly using Oleander’s magic to pick up the Unicornomicon as he awkwardly trotted over to the bartender.

He stared awkwardly at the bartender, judging his figure and long face. He resisted the urge to comment as he did inside the confines of the Unicornomicon’s pages.

He swallowed, still not used to having a body. “Yes, how much for a room?”

The bartender raised a brow. “Five salt blocks for one night.”

Fred carefully grabbed Oleander’s small pouch of salt as he attempted to gently shake a few blocks of salt from the bag before spilling all of its contents on the counter. His pupils dilated as he quickly scrambled to stuff the excess salt into his pouch while excessively apologizing for the mess.

The bartender rolled his eyes as he rested his head on his left hoof. “Is that all, ma’am?”

“Yeah, does it come with a free breakfast?”

The bartender let out an amused huff before dropping the room keys on the counter, the room number on the key chain.

Fred carefully picked up the keys before shambling toward the assigned room down the farthest hall of the tavern. Slamming and sliding into the walls, he hissed and ou’d at the inadvertent damage he was causing to Oleander.

“You’re going to feel that in the morning,” quipped Fred as he accidentally slammed the mare face first into a wall.

After peeling Oleander off the wall, the demon quickly opened their room door with the key. It was a small room with a large bed, oak dresser, and mirror with a small fireplace on the left wall.

Fred let out an amused whistle at the homey-looking room. “Certainly put the budget on the rooms looks nice innit?” he tsked.

He slowly trotted over to the large bed and laid Oleander’s body on top of the mattress, forcing himself out of the mare’s body and back into the pages of the Unicornomicon.

Oleander coughed as she riled in pain, promptly shooting up from the bed as she breathed heavily and turned to Fred. “Fred! You possessed me, didn’t you!?”

Fred levitated as he scrunched his pages into a scowl. “Oh, I’m sorry, Ms. I like to sleep on the dirty tavern floor, but you should be thanking me that I got you a nice bed before we were thrown outside into the cold!”

Oleander scoffed as she rolled toward the wall, too tired to argue. “Do that again, and I’ll throw you in the fire for real this time.”

Fred sighed as he floated over to the fussy intoxicated mare, grabbing the sheets as he pulled them over her. “I’ll excuse any threats of bodily harm since you’re drunk.”

Oleander looked at the levitating book expectantly, giving the demon a demanding scowl.

“Oh, for Lucifer’s sake, what now?” he huffed.

Oleander slowly lifted the covers as she patted the spot on the bed next to her, her cheeks burning a bright red from the alcohol and how flustered she was. “Get in.”

“Wha-”

“I’m tired; you’re warm. Get in the bed,” ordered Oleander.

Fred sighed, “Fine, but I’m never going to let you down for this.” The book floated into bed with the mare as she put the covers over the two.

“Shut up, Fred….” mumbled Oleander. “Good night.”

“Good night Ollie, “sighed Fred.

And with that, the pair drifted into an alcohol-induced as Oleander wrapped her legs around Fred, squeezing the book tightly. The book’s pages crept open as Fred’s shadowy arm wrapped around the mare’s body and the pair gradually embraced one another.

Hungover And Hung Out To Dry

The following day Oleander shot out of her bed and nearly toppled onto the floor as she scrambled to get into the bathroom. Throwing Fred aside during the commotion, causing the large book to be flung unto the floor.

"Hey!" grunted Fred. "That hurt-" The demon was interrupted by the unholy sound of retching coming from the bathroom.

Fred hissed as he dragged himself toward the backroom, attentively watching Oleander evacuating her insides. The demon awkwardly patted the mare's back.

"Yup….just….let it all out," He tsked, clicking his 'tongue.' "Well, I knew you would feel something in the morning."

Oleander heaved as she slowly forced herself up to her hooves, lamely reaching over to flush the toilet before groaning, "Why does it hurt so bad?...."

"That would be the excessive amount of alcohol....or me accidentally slamming your body into the floors and walls. Funny how that works." chuckled Fred.

The unicorn glared at Fred as she bucked the book several feet away from the bathroom before slamming the door shut.

Fred grunted as he smacked against the hardwood floor. "Next time, don't try to out-drink the guy that doesn't have a liver!"

A few minutes later, the pair quietly sat on the bed as they stared motionless toward the floor. Oleander rubbed her temple with her front right hoof. "Everything, and I mean everything, is just pure agony…."

Fred shifted his pages as they folded themselves into something resembling a sympathetic expression. "Ah well, it can't be so bad. I mean, you're still conscious."

He playfully jabbed his fingers at her chest. "Maybe you need me to keep you nice and warm in bed again; maybe I could tuck you in, read you a few chapters from the Unicornomicon," Fred suggested.

Oleander rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Fred…." she said as she resisted the urge to dry heave.

Fred rubbed his pages like they were the bridge of a nose. "Heh…..so how does getting out of bed sound on a scale of one to ten?"

"Zero, I think I'm going to go back to bed…." Oleander grumbled before she slowly lay back down on the soft, welcoming bed.

Fred flopped over on his spine, his shadowy arm resting beside him as it drummed rhythmically against the bedsheets. "That'd be a sound strategy if it were your room, Ollie. But I think you might have a few people who might object to such a request."

Oleander slowly turned over, burying her face into the soft feather pillow as she groaned. "I don't know, pay them off or eat them…."

"I'm not going to let you loaf around all day, c'mon." The book continuously nudged Oleander, much to her dismay. "Let's see if they sell breakfast…."

Oleander let out a deflated sigh before peeling herself off the covers and forcing herself to her hooves. "I hate you…."

Fred scratched his pages as he tapped his fingers against his hardcover. "Uh huh, you totally hate me and didn't cuddle with me last night."

Oleander's face burned a bright pink; her voice tightened. "I was drunk, and it was cold, no, freezing! There's no need to complicate this, “she said firmly.

Fred tsked. "Alright, alright; I was only having a little fun, don't get your tail in a twist."

"Well, your definition of fun always ends where my suffering begins." Oleander brooded.

"You are so melodramatic." Fred nudged Oleander again with his cover. "C'mon, let's get out of this stuffy room."

The pair sat in silence at the empty bar, the once bustling and busy barkeep now lazily cleaning his glasses as Oleander and Fred awkwardly stared at the empty tables and chairs.

Fred let out a dry cough. "....Well, it's awfully lively this morning isn't it?" He’d forgotten about his essential silence in front of other creatures.

Oleander quickly swatted the book, smashing it against the counter as a loud thwap echoed through the empty tables, masking Fred's quip.

The barkeep lazily looked over to Oleander, puzzled as to why the mare decided to create such a loud noise. "Listen, I don't mind you being here, but I'd prefer if you'd keep quiet…."

Oleander nervously chuckled. "S-sorry." The mare peered down at the book, glaring at it intently.

Oleander then picked up Fred with a spark from her horn and promptly made her way toward the tavern exit, swinging the door open to be greeted by a blast of freezing cold air.

"Does this mean more cuddles?" teased Fred.

"Open your pages one more time, and I will use you as kindling," threatened the mare.

"Oh, relax, Ollie; no one is around to hear you talking to your magical book. Lighten up, will you?"

Oleander groaned before trotting toward the main gate, staring at its massive stone walls and wooden doors as a few deer peered down from above at the pair.

Fred clicked and shuffled his pages together as he replicated something akin to clicking and snapping. "So how do you plan to get us inside without anything to trade?"

"I do have something to trade….knowledge," Oleander smugly stated as a smirk curled on her lips.

"No offense, but if I hear you go on about the significance of balancing light and dark magic again, I think I'll unleash Hell on Fœnum….or complain enough to make you reconsider," replied Fred.

Oleander sighed, rolling her eyes. "Just teleport us inside Reine…."

"Now you're thinking. Just put us close to the wall where they can't see us."

Oleander trotted toward the wall; moments later, a dark inky smoke began to encompass the two. The mare felt light-headed as her eyes rolled to the back of her skull. Her body fragmented and splintered apart, before dissipating into thin air.