Paper Bowser: The Saga. The Epic. The Adventure!
Prologue: A Plea from the Stars...?
I'm going to tell the story of "Star Spirits and Good Wishes".
Far, far away, beyond the sky, way above the clouds, it's been said that
there's a haven where the Stars live.
In the sanctuary of Star Haven there rests a fable treasure called the Star Rod,
which has the power to grant all wishes.
Using this wondrous Star Rod, the seven revered Star Spirits watched over our
peaceful world carefully...very carefully.
And then...
Oh dear...What the...?
Who stuck that weird thing into this story?
"It was me! I did! To take the Star Rod for myself so I can at long last beat that pesky red plumber once and for all!"
Bowser?! No! You mustn't remove the Star Rod! The goodwill and wishes of everyone will not be met otherwise!
"You say that like I care! Where have MY wishes gone then, after so many years?!"
Your wishes were vile, and evil. They were full of greed and filled with wanting to see others miserable, especially Mario. We could not grant your wishes even if we wanted to!
"Then I'll grant my own wishes! Kammy! Do your worst!"
"Keke, already on it Lord Bowser!"
With the Star Spirits distracted by Kammy's magic, Bowser turned to the now defenseless artifact of indescribable power. From the deep inner reaches of his stomach, he let out a powerful fire breath with everything he had, breaking the force field around it entirely and giving way to a now-damaged rod.
Wait, what's wrong with the Star Rod?! Oh no! Bowser, whatever you do, DON'T use it...
"Oh please, what do you take me for, an idiot? You think I'd let this perfectly good chance at finally beating Mario slip?! Gwahahahaha! Never!
"Er, wait your Highness! I think he's right. The Star Rod seems to be shattered."
"Oh please, not you too you crazy old bat. This is my moment! And MY win. Nothing is gonna stop me now!"
The very space around Bowser and Kammy began to shift and bend as the energies of the Star Rod exploded out of it in rapid succession, becoming brighter and brighter until they could see nothing but the darkness of their own dreams.
"Oh man, my head is killing me. It feels like I got a Mega Jump to the noggin'. I'd kill for some Jelly Ultra right about now." Groaned Bowser as he rubbed at his head near his horns, talking to himself like some weirdo. Like some crazy, freaky turtle. Like some half-baked, out of his mind reptile. Like-
"Groah! I get it already. Stop, you're making my head hurt more." He said as he finally pushed himself off the ground, not realizing that I've been waiting an ungodly amount of time for him to awake.
"Cut me some slack, okay? It's not everyday I black out and wake up who knows where." He said looking around pensively with a claw to his chin in thought. But you know, you'd think he'd be used to it by now since it's every other day that he blacks out thanks to getting beat up by Mario. He's growling his discontent right now because he knows it's true.
"Gah, whatever, where is that old bat anyways?" He asked no one in particular. Unless he was asking me. Because if that was the case, I could've easily told him that Kammy Koopa was sprawled all over the ground, still out of her gourd and seeing star kids swirl around her right underneath him.
"Kammy! Wake up already." He said as he stomped the ground with one very powerful stomp, sending the senile koot up into the air a few inches only to have a rude awakening as she came back down.
"Yes! I'm awake. I swear I wasn't watching those TV dramas late last night again!" She said a little too honestly, not realizing what had happened. "Hmm? Lord Bowser? You came to wake me up personally? How nice of you. You haven't done this since you were in your nappies."
"Get a grip Kammy, look around you. What's the last thing you remember?"
It took her quite a while and a bit of searching around the marbled interior of some grand palace corridor that they had crash landed through the window from for her to realize that, indeed, something had gone amiss.
"The Star Rod! See, this is exactly what I warned you about Lord Bowser. You know, you really should listen to me more often. You're as impulsive as when you were a kid and this is why we got our bottom rounds kicked by all manner of Yoshi back in the da-"
"Kammy! Focus!!" He stomped again, sending her jumping. "Where in the Star Havens are we? I don't see any of the Mushroom Kingdom's freaky looking hills. In fact, I don't recognize this place at all!" He crossed his arms, shut his eyes and tilted his head like he was thinking in a pensive manner, if he was even capable of that. I'm not picking up any form of thought on my end, so he must just be doing this to keep up appearances.
"Ehm, let's see here." She looked out of the window and spent a good bit of time looking into the bright pastel-colored hills, the unusually round fluffy clouds, and the inconceivably lush greens of the trees. None with eyes on them. How strange. "Doesn't look like the Beanbean Kingdom. Not Sarasaland. Too clean to be Rogueport. Err, can't be Waffle or Dry Dry Kingdom either... Welp, I got nothing." She said as she threw up her claws to shrug.
"Useless, I swear." he mumbled underneath his breath like he was one to talk.
"Sister..."
"Yes, I know. Don't let your guard down." Said two voices from the opposite ends of the halls that the O' so magnifcent Lord Bowser had somehow glossed over almost that entire time.
"Huh? What? Where???" Both Bowser and Kammy turned to look at the two alicorns that had their horns readied against him. "Kammy, what are these things?" He asked, yet again leaving the heavy thinking to the aged witch.
"It appears that they're ponies, Lord Bowser."
"Er, Yoshi's?"
"No. Ponies, my Lord."
"What kind creature is that?"
"The kind you've ridden before at the Superstar tournaments against Mario and co, remember? Honestly, I can't tell which one of us is more senile. I worry for whenever you reach my age, Lord Bowser." Yeah you tell him Madam Kammy.
"And what age would that be, 5,000?" The big oaf chuckled to himself.
Before Kammy could retort, the horns of the two Alicorns had lit up as they prepared a spell.
"State your intentions! Though I can see that they are no good." The white one with the pastel rainbowed mane said.
"You rude little animal. You should be bowing down to Lord Bowser!" The wonderful Kammy Koopa said as she screeched back, preparing her own spell and summoning a Block to send their way, only to be shot out of the air by the dark blue alicorn with a mane like a night sky. "Drat. It seems they're quite powerful Lord Bowser. I don't know if I can match their magic.
"Whatever, they're just some ponies. I should be enough to handle these sorry louts!" He sucked up the air in front of him, only to belch out a dense fire their way. As the flames cleared, the two mares remained standing completely unharmed from a protective barrier from the white one, following it up with an attack spell that sent the tubby, out of shape lizard to his belly defeated.
"Oof. They were tougher than I thought."
"Submit now or we will be forced to use the Elements of Harmony to imprison you." The white one said.
Lord Bowser stood up again with defiance. If I have to give him credit for anything, it's his ability to bounce back after getting trounced over and over again. He's a real professional at being defeated in just about everything he does. A true class B villain, temper tantrums and all as he's stomping his foot right now and sending everything in the vicinity shaking to the ground.
"If it's not Mario, it's just some ponies?! I'm the King of Koopas! Just why. Can't. I. WIN." His angered stomping was causing shockwaves all through the palace, further breaking the remaining windows and even cracking the marble flooring. It was a tantrum for the ages. "Argh, that's it! He pulled out the broken Star Rod, drained of its power, and held it up to the sky with one claw, looking at it with fury. "I will have you work whether you like it or not!"
As he had said it, the rod suddenly began to suck in the very air around it as though it were suctioning all of the ambient power from the air.
"Lord Bowser! It's incredible! The Star Rod's innate power to fuel itself off of the wishes and dreams of its citizens... this place is full of those types of creatures. It seems these ponies are an especially powerful source at that too!"
"Sister, that thing... its magic is off the charts and climbing. We have to use them!" The dark blue one yelled out to the white one as a rushing of energy was twirling and surging around the star-shaped rod in Bowser's grasp.
The white alicorn was seemingly hesitating. She did not want to have to banish anyone if she didn't need to, but they were being left little choice. She magically produced six accessories that began to encircle the two mares and glow brighter and brighter.
"Lord Bowser! I think we're in a tight spot. If we use the rod, something crazy might happen again. If we don't... I think we're gonna get blasted!" Kammy was beside herself.
In the precious seconds that followed, Lord Bowser had not been fast enough to think of an appropriate answer, ultimately making the tough decision of using the Star Rod as a shield when the attack that the ponies were casting shot off towards him. Well, call it dumb luck or whatever, but I think that's the kind of fixer upper the wand needed at that point in time as the light of their spell gave way to a freshly minted Star Rod, straight off the press.
Not just that, but also a very shiny, equally as ugly looking Bowser as he was engulfed by the rainbow lights of the Star Rod's protective energy and strengthening his power tenfold.
"Oh yeah. Now that feels good! GWAHAHAHAHA!!!" He roared in his cruel excitement, a quite deafening roar indeed. Did he really need to yell? We'll let it pass this time, since Bowser has been taking quite the stinky L for a very long time. He was definitely not winning any favors with the ladies in the room, as poor Madam Kammy had a hard time regaining herself after that shout. Also, Bowser really hadn't done much at all with the Star Rod's power except protect himself, and already the two alicorns were sprawled across the floor, defeated.
"My... little ponies... will stop you three..." The white one weakly said our way.
"Too bad I'm unstoppable now!" Lord Bowser laughed and laughed until his blood pressure rose too high for him to continue laughing anymore, getting a mighty scolding from Kammy in return.
Quite typical of Lord Bowser if I might add. He's never really played fair at any point in his life. Using and abusing his henchmen, creating all sorts of devious tricks to impede the hero's path, and generally just cheating his way through life. It was no surprise why he had failed in spectacular fashion so many times before. And maybe this would shut him up about always losing for good. Though we highly doubt that. He has quite the large mouth. Literally.
"I can feel the overwhelming power of the Star Rod increasing. Oh I have so many wishes to grant myself, and no Mario in sight to foil any of them. Kammy! Where's my castle?"
"Not here, Lord Bowser. My magic isn't picking up any signs of our castle or our legion anywhere." She said as she swished her wand around.
"Then I guess I know what my first wish is. Time to call in a few friends."
Oh dear. It seems I have to do a bit of travel now.
It had been a time of jubilant celebration for the citizens of Ponyville as they were all gathered for a festival hosted by Sweet Apple Acres. Little did these ponies know that very obnoxious times were blowing downwind from Canterlot castle. A particular group of friends were gathered at a table as they talked about nothing actually important, like the simpletons they were.
"Huh? Who said that?" A studious looking bookworm said as she pointed her purple gaze towards the sky. This unicorn mare was highly observant, and if she had, had any suspicions of the calamity awaiting them, she would've been able to easily spot the source of the noise had it not been for a particularly pink pony who had been waiting the entire time to decorate her face with pastries as soon as she let her guard down. "Umm... hello? What are you talkin-" She said as she was rudely interrupted by the whipcream surprise.
"Lighten up Twilight! It's a party! You're even starting to talk to yourself." Laugh-snorted the party animal.
"Pinkie! Oooooh, now's not the time for this. It's so weird. It feels like someone is talking about us."
"Oh, oh! I feel that all the time. It's perfectly normal!"
"For you maybe, but I could've sworn I felt a presence somewhere around here looking at us..."
"C'mon sugarcube, I think Pinkie is right. You need to relax some. Nothin' is gonna happen while the elements are away from us in Princess Celestia's care."
"Yeah, yeah... I understand. Just routine maintenance. Why all-powerful magical relics need such a thing is beyond me, but it should be fine. It's just for today. Noooooothing bad can happen right about now." She said as she looked around nervously.
Look at it my way folks, it was like she was trying to set up the punchline to perfect timing as from a distance, the sight of Canterlot castle was filled in a bright, blinding light. What followed was an echoing explosion that sent its shockwave passing through the ground like one strong gust of wind, sending every pony onto the floor and me holding onto dear life on a nearby tree. The sounds delayed a bit in reaching everyone, but in doing so they could also hear the loud cracking of massive boulders as though the entire mountain-side had collapsed.
Of course, that isn't what happened, but it could very well happen at any moment now as the mountain was left with a very obvious and very dented scar like some big'un had taken quite the chomp out of it. The whole city itself was a bit ways above where its normal position had been, levitating off the ground entirely on top of another, enormous castle.
A castle in the ugly shape of an ugly face from an ugly guy. An evil looking castle that no doubt screamed "Look, it's another calamity ready to strike at Equestria again." in bold lettering. Sure enough, now the ponies were left slack-jawed like buffoons. It's actually kinda satisfying seeing someone get their immediate comeuppance for setting up redflags so recklessly.
Sigh. But now that the fun is over, I gotta go do my job. The work is fine, but the commute is killing me... Until next time!
Or wait, I can't just end it like that...
I mean, you're probably wondering right? How do I get away with being so rude and crude to the "most marvelous of all evil regents", our Lord Bowser? The answer is actually quite simple. In fact, I'll turn it around on you. Who else is gonna do my job? You're not gonna see him documenting squat except for what's on his personal diary. Hmm. Maybe we should go read that at some point.
Point is, my job is important see? I've always been there, since day one. Me and my trusty camera. The eye on the sky and giving off my golden commentary. I'm unfireable.
Or at least, I hope I am. Literally. If the power gets to Lord Bowser's head, I might actually get set on fire. Okay, I think I'll have to be nicer to him from now on.
If some other Lakitu take's my place, pray some good wishes my way... or don't! You'll just make Bowser stronger.
Paper Bowser: The Saga. The Epic. The Adventure!
Interview with The Royal Sisters
The marbled chambers of some pony's room were a right mess, with the smoldering craters of a 'defensive spell' marking the walls like blemishes. It had taken quite a lot of doing, but the alicorns had finally calmed down enough to have the rationale to talk. We're not asking for anything unreasonable here, just the chance to sit down to have a conversation about how they feel. You know, about their kingdom, their citizen, and the fact that they were experiencing the Princess Peach treatment of being held hostage under Lord Bowser's dominion.
"We will apologize when you release us!" The blue one retorted.
"Right. Well, I apologize on behalf of my sister. Unlike the other two, you don't seem to be a hostile force. Tell me, what is it that you do again and why are you intent in talking to us? Spies aren't usually this straight forward." The white one said as she placed a foreleg out to her hot-headed sibling. "Though having our every move being read like this is all sorts of strange, so we can't feel at ease with it. Are you some form of court notary per chance?" She asked, not realizing that my work was quite the contrary to the stifles of their punctual matter-of-factly writing.
If they understood what the machine in my hands was for, my camera, they would know that I was a historian. That I was documenting this event in detail. And even documentaries require a little showmanship, a bit of pizazz, and style in spades! It's the shots, the angles, the words spoken. I'm here to make them look good. Well, technically this is a movie reel for making Bowser look good, if ever he won for realsies and actually became ruler of everyone, not just the Koopas. But I'm an artist first and a koopa second! I cannot make miracles occur.
Still, it would do them good to relax a bit. Besides, there was a zero chance of my work being used to spy on them since Bowser stopped watching my films all together after he got defeated over at Princess Peach's castle back in '96. It didn't help that my film followed Mario's journey to best him. I was a young upstart lakitu back then. My camera work was a little shotty, but we got some nice compositions in and it really kickstarted my career. Fans loved my work. Nowadays all of my documentaries are for them, and they are, much like most of us in Bowser's legion, waiting to see him defeated yet again.
"Wait, he's your king is he not? We're confused. Why would he allow this in the first place if it's not for spying? And why are you expecting him to fail?" The blue one asked. "Stop calling me 'blue one'. Our name is Luna. Princess Luna to you." Princess Luna followed up with an attitude.
It was honestly incredible to see another soul who wasn't in the know of King Bowser's renowned and infamous lack of wit. I mean... you only needed to take a glance at his exterior to see how dull his interior was. Sure, he's quite a big'un for a Koopa, but do you think he got that way through training and muscles? Flabby ate his way to his size and got dosed with a little too much magic dust from Kammy and Kamek in the past. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he might as well have a big L as a mark on his forehead. The two ponies laughed as they found something funny.
"Well I for one trust you and your sharp mouth. I've had enough experiences to know when one's intentions are no good, but yours seem harmless enough. Well met little koopa was it? I am Princess Celestia." The Princess bowed her head in greetings. How gracious. It's not everyday lakitu's are in a position of respect with others. This was quite the welcome change.
Pleasantries aside, now was the time for brass tacks. Interview with the Royal Sisters, in their personal chambers where Bowser had them locked away.
"Alright, we'll play along. What do you wish to know?" Princess Luna said, still eyeing me up suspiciously.
First order of business, what everyone wanted to know. Myself included. How do you feel about Lord Bowser?
"Must we answer that honestly?" Princess Celestia asked, already knowing full well that the answer was yes, as much yes as possible. "Well it's hard to say. He seems like a big bully with a very naive attitude. He would've been smart to lock me in an actual jail and not in my room or have taken more measures to prevent me from using my magic to send information and requests to my faithful student, Twilight."
"Sister! Are you seriously trusting this koopa-thing with that kind of information?!" Luna asked incredulously. "Princess Luna!" Princess Luna followed up with.
"I've already surmised that it wouldn't hurt. Besides, I think what he said earlier is true. Oh, not to sound rude, but Bowser doesn't seem to be too smart. If anything, it's just that Witch we have to look out for, and she seems to have her claws full at the moment dealing with organizing the mess of his impulsive nature." Princess Celestia said as she thought for a bit.
See? Someone gets it. But for as much as we joke, Bowser is still very ambitious and cunning in his own way. Maybe his plans are drawn together with crayons and noodle art, but they are still plans. He's only disregarding the Princess alicorns right now because he can sense their powers having weakened from the Star Rod's ability to absorb goodwill and wishes. If they were to act, they would have to do so carefully as to not incur his suspicion and wrath.
"Is the wand in his hands truly doing that? If what you say is true... With this information, we could device a counter-magic. Why would you help us like this?" Princess Luna asked this like she didn't quite understand. She had already heard it though, that I am an artist first. My films are for the fans. And while I can't lend them any direct aid, I could help them indirectly in the ways I knew how. By documenting the story.
With no further information left to speak about, we move on to the next set of questions.
"Wait but we-"
And so the next question is this. What do you know about the Star Rod?
Princess Celestia magically got a quill and paper ready at this moment. "I'm afraid we know very little of it, except what that purple witch shouted in the halls. Something about wishes and goodwill." She answered.
We question as to why this answer was even in the list to begin with, since it's obvious that these two regal mares wouldn't know about the fabled treasure of Mushroom Kingdom's Star Haven. It is a powerful relic that was used by the seven Star Spirits to realize the dreams and good wishes of those with pure hearts. So long as a Bowser wields the Star Rod, he'll have the incarnation of that goodwill to make his own wishes of strength and power come true. But it's not unstoppable, despite what he might say. Their magics combined, the Star Spirits are said to be powerful enough counter-act the Star Rod's own power. Though if the same could be said now in this world and gaining an incredible amount of magic from the abundance of goodwill is still up in the air. It would take quite the combined magic to level the playing field in a one-on-one battle.
Princess Luna's face contorted into a small smile as she finally understood what was going on. And then frowned again in her embarrassment.
"Are you really going to add this to the reel? Why do you have a need to describe our every motion!" She magically flung a pillow into the air with exasperation.
I do my own stunts, so obviously that pillow missed its intended target. Moving on however, here's our next set of questions.
In the Mushroom Kingdom, Bowser is famous for kidnapping a Princess known as Peach. Cumulatively over the course of his rule, Bowser has tried to kidnap her every which way in a stupefying number of times. Each time thoroughly defeated by a plumber known as Mario. Now they are living that reality for themselves, but with no Mario to save them. How does it feel to be Peachy-keen?
"Maybe because I'm with my sister, I don't feel too nervous about the situation. Our captor seems to have a sense to accommodate us sensibly, which he would've been wise not to do as I have many secret passages and other useful knickknacks lying about the room." Princess Celestia answered again. Secret passages? How exciting. Did she see a lot of her own kidnappings in her days?
"Not really, not until recently but it can't hurt to be too careful." She says as we turn to look at Princess Luna to get her thoughts on this.
"Don't look to us. We've been on the moon for most of it." The moon she said? Oh my, what an extravagant way to avoid our questions. But we won't call her a liar on this show! No no. It's quite possible. Let's not forget General White's space program! We salute the brave efforts of traveling through space to reach its cheesy goodness. "Its not made of cheese." She answered this, purposely trying to break our collective hearts.
No time to waste now. I have a cue with Bowser in a bit. On to the next question. Here's a doozy... How do you see Bowser being defeated?
"If anyone can, Twilight will put a stop to Bowser's plan. We are not attuned to the elements as well as she and her friends are, so we know if she comes here, they'll be able to quickly put a stop to this Bowser fiend!" Princess Luna shouted. Which, to her chargrin, she would've been wiser to whisper about as the door to the bedroom flung open at that moment and Kammy Koopa walked in alongside Lord Bowser.
I mean seriously. Who just divulges important information like that?
"But Celest-"
Tsk tsk. For shame.
"Kekeke! So these little rocks weren't just for show? Well, you're quite a dear for spilling the beans, impudent mare!" Kammy cackled as she pulled out the multi-colored ornaments from within her cloak after having confiscated them before. "Maybe we'll power up ourselves by using them. Can't hurt to have more magical artifacts in our claws, wouldn't you say Lord Bowser?"
"Impossible. The Elements of Harmony only work with those who embody harmony and the power of friendship. Honesty, Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Loyalty and Magic. The likes of you could never wield them in their full power." Princess Celestia argued.
"Nothing to it then, we'll just guard them in our castle so your precious ponies can never reach them!" Kammy followed up.
"Nah, they're useless. Just throw 'em away or something."
"Wha? But Lord Bowser! We can't just throw them away. If those ponies get their hooves on them, they might just be able to act against the Star Rod. Let's just guard them in the castle like I said. I already have the perfect spot for them."
"But they're so girly. Power of friendship? Blah! I don't want that inside my castle. Or anywhere near me for that matter. Get rid of them."
...
Poor Kammy. What was she to do?
"Okay uh, tell you what we can do. We'll hand them off to a couple of our legion's strongest champions and then power them up with the Star Rod. Then we'll scatter them throughout the world so they're far away from us, and to make it harder for those ponies to get their hooves on them. How does that sound, your Majesty?" She tried reasoning.
"Yeah okay, that sounds good." He said, finally satisfied. Kammy face-palmed as she turned to the ponies again.
"So there you have it! Abandon all hope, for your Kingdom is now ours!"
"Bwahaha, look forward to my evil plans, ponies. I'll see to it that your heroes never make it to my castle!" He laughed, and he laughed, and he laughed until he finally caught himself again after his blood pressure spiked once more.
Sigh. All hail Lord Bowser, I guess.
Paper Bowser: The Saga. The Epic. The Adventure!
Interview with Kammy Koopa
Hello once again, Madam Kammy. It is a pleasure to be talking with you today. We apologize for cutting into your work like this during such an important time, but our viewers are all dying to know more about you.
"Kekeke, of course dear minion! Of course. You don't get to be my age without a few fans. Having been the royal family's tactician for generations brings with it the renown of my wisdom." She said with a haughty laugh.
There was much truth to those words. Many of our troops in the legion often refer to Kammy as 'the brains behind the brawn' of our operations. She is also the one that gives us our paychecks. But that totally has nothing to do with our respect for her. Totally. No, she truly is a marvel of a creature. Her handiwork can be felt all throughout the best plans our Lord Bowser has set to foil the dastardly Mario. Unfortunately, even the best tacticians fall to the unfair nature of the conniving plumber!
"If it's not one thing, it's another with that Mario! Oh how he makes my blood boil!" The madam had flown into a rage at the mention of him, which was understandable. Nary a plan had worked against him after all, and it brought to question her skills as a tactician. But as everyone in the Koopa Legion can testify, there's no stopping that red wonder! He's more machine than jumpman.
Bringing our introduction to an end, the time for questions is now upon us. Is the madam ready?
She nodded and put up a claw in a thumbs up.
Fantastic, let's get right to it shall we? Here's the first question. We only recently found out through looking at the history of these lands as well as talking to those regal ponies that we are, in fact, in another world. How did you feel about being transported here? Are you nervous at all?
"Never! So long as I am by Lord Bowser's side, I'll do as he commands. Whether that's in the Mushroom Kingdom, Outer Space, or even in another world, I live for my Lord."
Marvelous. Such devotion is unprecedented in the whole of Lord Bowser's army. She truly is the best of us all. Even the wise-aleck Kamek did not fully bend to our Lord's will like this.
"Don't even mention that whippersnapper! I've told him time and again to dress for success, but he still insists on dressing in his uniform blues of generic magickoopa. Where did all my years of personally teaching him how to wield magic go? Into a churlish and insubordinate child! Bah!" Oh, seems like we touched another nerve. With this, we'd like to move on to another question.
And here it is. Tell us Madam Kammy, how do you personally feel of Lord Bowser and the way he's handling the conquest of Equestria? Another reminder, this film won't be seen by his Majesty as we both remember the promise he made back in the day, so feel free to speak your mind.
"Apart from the occasional overwork, I think he's a wonderful King." Another beautiful answer by a wonderful lady. Please, do talk more in length about it. "I don't know if there is much else to say about it, except... Maybe he can be a little too trusting of the wily Princess Peach. But I wouldn't like to tell him that since she's his first crush. Oh! But don't tell Lord Bowser I told you that." Don't worry ma'am, we all practically knew that already.
"And I suppose he has a tendency to space out and ignore the things I try to tell him. I mean, you heard it earlier no? He actually suggests we throw out the Elements of Harmony so that those ponies have a chance to obtain them and save the day. I mean, what is he thinking? I swear, that Koopa will be the death of me some day." You said it madam. We're with you 100%. Just what is he thinking? If it's thinking at all.
"And his impulsive nature! He was like this even when he was in his diapers you know. He used to cry for weeks on end after getting beat up by Mario, and it would take a lot of rocking to get him to sleep at night. He was so adorable back then." Oh my, now this was some juicy blackmailing information. Er, I mean... Such a wonderful flashback into Lord Bowser's youth.
"Also he could stand to be a little more appreciative! I mean I organize the troops, plan out parties, make the traps, select the chosen few who are going to get an element of harmony and the power of the Star Rod, collect the ingredients for Picnic Day, and I'm also the one that is constantly watching his health." Yes, yes, and absolutely. You do literally everything madam. Even fighting, occasionally.
"And his temper problem! He should really work on that. And-"
Okay, before we can let the madam continue on length, we'd like to remind her that we're short of time on this one and we'd rather not cut into her work more than we need to. Here's the next question.
What do you think about the regal sisters?
"Unfair! They wield stronger magic than myself, and even though they're almost as old as me, they look no worse for wear! They are a trite when compared to my likeness however. Thankfully, Bowser's wish to defend himself is serving to mitigate their power. The foolish mares should think twice about speaking against us. Kekeke."
That's a good point to make. Madam Kammy, we often hear you take remarks from our Lord Bowser about your age, but you're always so graceful about it. You're an inspiration to all of our aged lady viewers everywhere. How do you deal with that insult?
"When you get to be my age, it's nothing at all. At some point, you forget why you were ever mad so why get into it in the first place? We just have to learn to live with our years. Unlike that Puni Elder! That old hag just doesn't know when to give up and just accept it, always denying it. Your time doesn't mean you're not fit to party it up! I mean, even at my age, I shake what my momma gave me!"
Oookay, this just took a disturbing turn. Moving on Lady Kammy, you young spry you. Here's the last of our questions. My viewers everywhere all want to hear it from the horse's mouth.
What do you think Lord Bowser's chances of winning this are?
...
Silence. Oh my.
"They're good." She spoke up at last. Would you care to elaborate Madam Kammy?
"Well I can't say for certain at least. Without Mario, I'd like to think that our chances are the best they'll ever be. But Lord Bowser is still giving them avenues for success. Nevertheless, I'll do everything in my power to stop this Twilight and her friends for the sake of our conquest! Kekeke. Oh I already have so many plans ready. I've even sent a special little trio of Goomba their way. I know they can't fail."
And there you have it folks. A special interview with a special gal. Thank you Madam Kammy for your gracious hospitality today and we'll be seeing you next time when we touch up on more Bowser-y action!
For now, to all our viewers, stay tuned. Maybe something more exciting will happen in the next one?
Well for me anyways. I gotta run!
