Enemies are Magic: Part 1
Author's Note
Apologies if there's a lot of swearing, I do tend to swear a lot when it comes to comedy and shit. Please let me know if i I too far, due to my autism, I can't tell what exactly is too far and what is not.
Enemies are Magic: Part 1
Once upon a time, in a.. somewhat magical land called Equestria, there were two royal sisters. And they created a somewhat stable government for the ponies of it. To do this, the eldest, Celestia; took on responsibility of the moon. And the youngest, Luna, took responsibility of the sun.
I know, very unfitting considering their names-- but you'll see why it's more unfitting for the both of them later. But anyway, the reason why this was the case was because Celestia threw a temper tantrum when her father told her she had to look after the sun. And to prevent her from wreaking havoc, they just gave her what she wanted.
Anyway, the two sisters created harmony for their subjects or whatever-- blah, blah, blah. Now let's get to the good shit.
On one fateful day, the younger sister took notice of Celestias irresponsibility and immaturity. Anytime she tried to remind her older sister she had to lower the moon, she would start throwing hissy fits like a little child, even though she was like 1000 years old or some shit.
So Luna one day managed to put her hoof down during one of Celestias great tantrums, she had said quote; "Celestia, stop being such an incessant, incapable brat and let me raise the sun, damn you!"
Celestia then proceeded to act like she wasn't throwing a tantrum about like a few seconds ago, and 'tried to reason with her' when in actuality she was probably attempting to gaslight her younger sister. "You know this hurts me more than you.." She had said.
Frustration awoke inside the youngest ones heart, so she then proceeded to lock Celestia in her room. Which was an equivalent of grounding her basically. For about a few days, Luna took over the responsibility of the sun and moon-- and thinks actually seemed to be going stable.
The economy was increasing, ponies actually started liking eachother, world hunger was gone and all fatal diseases had noticeably vanished.
But then Celestia somehow managed to pick the lock.
Then the economy went back down, ponies hated eachother, world hunger returned and many ponies started to be infected by many new diseases which seemed to spawn randomly after she came out of the room.
Celestia then took the Elements of Hatred, and proceeded to beat the hell out of Luna with them all. This didn't do a lot of damage considering they felt more like pebbles, but Luna humored her and went along along it for a while-- until Celestia got bored and decided to throw her sister into the sun.
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"The Elements of Hatred?.." Said a light purple unicorn from under a leafless tree, visibly reading a rather big book for something with such little story. She furrowed her eyebrows in thought, "I think I've heard of those before.. nah, fuck it. Not like i give a shit anyway."
The light purple unicorn in question was a young mare by the name of Twilight. Twilight Sparkle was the worst student ever known to ponykind. While she was intelligent, she purposefully failed her classes to watch her teacher(Celestia) have a mental breakdown. She was lazy, and just a downright dick.
Twilight, with a flare of her horn, lifted up the book and threw it in the river in front of her. She watched as the dryness slowly faded from its nonexistent eyes, only becoming a misty memory as it sank to the bottom.
Twilight sadistically grinned, she planned on doing this earlier to watch Celestia have a panic attack over it. Especially considering that was literally the only book Celestia could afford, which was odd, considering she was a Princess. Then again, ponies did tend to boycott her a lot.
Hopefully by the time she was over with what she had to do, she'd be somewhat mentioned in Celestia's therapist appointment for that day.
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Twilight walked along the paths of Canterlot, and looked up at the smoke filled sky. The grass was dry and was in worse condition than ever before. Creatures were dead along certain areas, and most ponies were either arguing or just minding their own business.
Ah, this was the perfect home for Twilight. She adored it here.
Three unicorns then came up to her, and Twilight froze in visible anger. She rolled her eyes; "Oh my-- for the last time, I don't have your five dollars!"
"Huh? That wasn't what we were gonna ask about, Twilight." Said one of the unicorns. Twilight glanced curiously at what they could possibly have to confront her about, but remained with a resting bitch face like always.
"Why did you rob Moondancer?" Lyra, one of the unicorns, asked. Twilight, upon being asked that, remembered what she did that exact morning. She broke into Moondancers place, and stole most of her items, even a picture of her dead grandmother.
"Oh, please, she didn't even use them anyway--" "So what if she didn't use them? That's robbery!" Cut off one of the unicorns, making Twilight appear even more angry than before. Sheesh, this unicorn was an edgy one.
"Listen, girls. I have way more important things to do than talk about your lazy jack wagon of a friend, now get out of my way before i--" --Twilight towered over them all, and raised her voice-- "--smash your horns in!"
The ponies, shaking in fear, scattered in the opposite direction. One even jumped into the river to get anywhere that wasn't near her. Twilight smirked in satisfaction, and began to continue on to her home.
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Twilight walked into the palace that Celestia had so thoughtfully given her ever since she began to study against her own will, and went into the place that once was a library, but was now completely empty of any books that were once there.
To tell you the truth, Twilight had an irrational fear of books, and destroyed them all in a fit of fear. Celestia of course got angry, but thats beside the point.
A baby dragon then walked into the room, carrying a mirror. Twilight looked down at him, and spoke loud enough for him to hear; "Spike, where did you get that mirror from? Did you steal from Moondancer again?"
"Um.." He paused with a sweat drop, "yes?"
"Good. That son of a bitch deserves that for not eating those poisoned donuts I gave her." Twilight smirked while holding her head high, petting Spike on his little head as he looked up in confusion.
"Err, Twilight.. didn't you have some student business to do? Why are you here?" "Because Celestia isn't worth my time, Spike, now go ahead and get ready, because we're going gambling."
"Um.. aren't I too young to?" Questioned Spike in anxiety as Twilight threw him up onto her back and began to carry him towards the door. "Dont worry, I'll hide you like I did last time. CPS will never take me alive." Twilight muttered that, but the back of her head was then met with a blast of fire.
Twilight groaned, already knowing why that happened. Spike had this weird condition where he would burp up random letters sent to Twilight, and due to that, Celestia would use him as a mailbox basically. "Thank you Spike, you ruined my mane." Sarcastically said Twilight.
"I-- I didn't mean--" "I know you didn't, I was messing with you." Twilight interrupted, stern as she looked, she seemed to be serious. Spike opened the letter while maintaining nervous eye contact with her, and began to read in a shivering tone.
"Dear Twilight,"
"So, yeah, your kind of being a dick-- so to undickify you, I'm sending you to Ponyville! Where you'll learn how to not be a dick, and maybe even learn how to actually care about ponies feelings! Anyway, blah, blah, blah-- your my favorite student or some shit, bye."
"Sincerely, your teacher, Celestia."
Spike finished reading, and Twilight only continued to head towards the door. "Err.. are you going to, um.. listen to her?" Twilight stood silently before the door, and turned her head to look at him. "No."
As Twilight opened the door, she looked up, and saw two unicorn stallions attached to a carriage on her porch. She sighed.
"God fucking damnit."
Enemies are Magic: Part 2
Twilight watched as the smoke from Canterlot slowly faded away as the carriage began to fly towards what was known as Ponyville, and grumbled like a teenager being grounded from a certain thing they enjoy. The red, bright sky glowed down on her and Spike as they sat in silence.
"So, um.. what are you gonna do when we arrive, Twi?" Asked Spike, trying to spark up a conversation the best he could. "Smoke a cigarette. Not like i give a shit about what Celestia wants me to do anyway." Answered Twilight, looking down upon Spike.
"Errr, um, okay.. uh, Celestia-- she wants you to, um.. be a better pony, right? Maybe you should listen to her this time. I know you hate her guts and everything, but I do think she's doing her best to look after you." Said Spike, trying to force a smile.
"Spike, I am not listening to an entitled bratty Princess who can't even stand up to her own kingdom. She's weak. If she really wants me to listen to her, then she'll have to stop being a pussy and act like an actual Princess." Replied Twilight, her voice growing slightly louder.
"I.. okay." Spike immediately gave up on trying to convince her. He didn't want her to start freaking out on him like in that one time they decided to play Monopony together. So he just stared down at his lap and awaited for them to arrive.
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By the time they had arrived, Twilight threw Spike onto her back once more, and told the stallions flying them a sincere "Fuck you", before they flew off back to where they needed to be. Twilight looked around the town, and saw that.. well, it didn't look completely different from Canterlot.
Red, blazing skies of blood were cast above the town, and black clouds occasionally passed by. The grass was dead, and hard to walk on without feeling some pain. I guess that was why every few seconds a pony grunted in pain.
There were no dead creatures laying on different parts of the village, but that was because somepony was carrying them all in a cart. Prominent rancid smells of animal corpses fled towards Twilight in an attempt to grab her, but she rolled her eyes, and walked off while swishing it away with her tail.
Sheesh, this place could be Shadow the Hedgehogs dream land and no one would know. Maybe that's why this story is so damn edgy.
Spike spoke up; "Um.. Twi, where are we going?"
"We're about to steal someponys house, what else would we be doing?" Twilight replied while still looking foward, she had a lot of experience with crime, so this would probably be easy.
"Oh, right, uh.. maybe you should go talk to somepony, you know what happened last time you didn't follow Celestias orders." "Yeah, she threw a tantrum and gave several ponies within her radius fatal diseases. Does it look like I give a shit about anyponys well being though?" Twilight asked in response.
"N.. No, it doesn't, sorry.." Spike apologized, looking away from her glowing eyes of deep red. "No need to apologize, the only time you'll need to be sorry is if you say I should stop gambling again." Said Twilight.
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It was around the time that they committed tax fraud that they had run into a certain pony. They walked peacefully, knowing full well what they just did. They had also robbed a random mare of her money and currently were trying to hide from her, but that's beside the point.
Twilight stopped suddenly, raising an eyebrow tiredly at whatever was in front of her. Spike looked up, "Why-- why'd you stop, Twi--" "The pony walking towards us doesn't have any pupils."
Spike, confused at her weird statement, looked to where she was looking. And surely enough, there was a pony without any pupils whatsoever walking toward them.
It was a mare with darkish, light pink fur. Her hair was a hottish pink, and was about as dark as her coat was as well. She didn't seem to have any readable emotion on her face, but what was really noticeable was her eyes. They were a light blue, but her pupils were not there.
It was actually really fucking creepy to witness in person-- well, pony. Spike legit hid behind Twilight upon looking at her eyes, while Twilight only stood and kept staring like a creep. The pony stopped, and stood with her mouth slightly parted.
"Uhh.. hey, Pink Panther-- mind telling me why you don't have any pupils?" Asked Twilight. The pony only stood for a few seconds, not uttering a word, before going in the other direction and trotting off. Well damn, that was rude. Not like Twilight basically just insulted her eyes or some shit.
Twilight watched as she left off and disappeared into elsewhere, and then said; "Well, I know who i'm ransacking later.."
Spike then let out a blast of fire, contorting his head the other way so he wouldn't burn his literal pony mother to a crisp. When he finished, he grabbed the letter as Twilight sighed harshly in response to him clearing his throat.
"Dear Twilight,"
"Alright, so now that I heard news of you committing 3 crimes in total already in the span of you being there for about like 20 minutes, I'm going to lay out some stuff for you to do! So first your going to go to this pear place or whatever called ~~sour appl~~ ~~sweet app~~ Sour Pear Acres and see if their shit is good or not like your Gordon Ramsay on Kitchen Nightmares."
"And then your gonna see if this fucker with the vocabulary of a 15th century pony called Rainbow Dash is beating clouds senseless for no reason like I asked her to. Then you'll see ~~that fucking thing~~ this bitch called Rarity who will be ~~praying on my downfall~~ making the decorations or some shit."
"Then you'll be seeing this other shit-fuck named Fluttershy who is so fucking annoying, I swear to god or any god above, I will fucking kill that bitch if she says she's awesome one more time. And then yeah, you can just do your own shit after cause I honestly don't care if you show up or not. And don't ransack anypony or your next on the chopping block. Anyway, la la la, your doing great, bye."
"Your teacher ~~and rightful god~~, Celestia."
Twilight sighed once more, like a teenager dealing with their mom; "Alright, I guess we won't be ransacking anypony.."
