How to wake up your lazy human
Kite-con. The first of its kind.
A place where kite enthusiasts could gather and talk about all things kites. From discussing the ideal length of a kite’s tail or sharing kite-flying tactics, to teaming up to break the record for the largest kite flown, Starlight Glimmer couldn’t join the fun soon enough. She could hardly believe her fortune that Kite-con was held on a day Princess Twilight Sparkle’s School of Friendship was closed. No guidance counselor duties for her to worry about today.
In her bedroom, Starlight gazed at her reflection in her mirror (decorated with pictures of her friends “surrounding” her reflection) and admired her “I love kites!” shirt. She bore a bright grin comparable to a filly’s grin who was about to rip open her Hearth’s Warming presents. Everything was set to be her best day ever!
Unfortunately, Starlight’s options to take with her to Kite-con were sparse. Hoo boy, was it sparse! Most of her friends felt, at best, so-so toward kites and didn’t want to go. One of the select few who possessed a greater than a so-so interest in kites, Maud Pie, disliked crowds, so she was a no-go.
Luckily, there was at least one viable choice: Equestria’s only known human, Eric Reed, or “Buggie” as Starlight preferred to address him with as a nickname. Very long story short, so just bear with me for a second: fifteen months ago, Princess Twilight found him lost and alone in Equestria, and graciously took the young man in. However, she and Starlight eventually discovered their magic couldn’t safely return Eric to his world, so the Princess allowed him to continue living in the Castle of Friendship indefinitely. Since he had a decent amount of interest in kites, Starlight flew them with Eric the second most often, after Maud.
Let’s ignore the fact that Eric was hesitant to go to Kite-con. You didn’t read that.
With her shirt-admiring over, Starlight hopped out of her room and bounced down the castle’s crystal hallways. Pinkie Pie would be proud.
“I hope he’s awake. Twilight said that she struggles to get him out of bed when he oversleeps.“
She reached Eric’s peacefully closed bedroom door. Not one for actually knocking, she smacked open the door with her magic, and said in a sing-songy voice, “Knock, knock!”
Eric snored away, mixing in mutters between the snores. His blanket covered him up to his head. His lazily curly blond hair, further in flux from him rolling about in his sleep, was poised to be his comb’s nightmare.
“Still sleeping, huh? Let’s change that…hmm.” Starlight tiphoofed across the room, hopping over a baseball glove on the floor, and to Eric’s bed. Curiosity over Eric’s sleep-talking overtaking her, she leaned an ear closer to the sleeping human.
“Told you I’d…zzz…pitch a perfect game, Rainbow. Now pay up…zzz…shave your mane.”
“Hee hee, dreaming about baseball again. I kinda feel bad about waking you up, but I’ll move on.” She shoved her hoof three times into his back while shouting, ”Buggie, wake up! Rise and shine!”
Eric moaned and stubbornly yanked his blanket over his head. “Come on, Twi, five more minutes.”
“One, I’m not ‘Twi’; she’s in Canterlot with Spike. Two, your ‘five more minutes’ when waking up is more like one more hour. Up and at ‘em!” Starlight tapped the top of Eric’s head. No blanket would protect it.
A reluctant waking groan eeked from under Eric’s blanket. He pushed it off him and rubbed his half-closed eyes. “Starie? What’s up?”
“You forgot about Kite-con? You said you’d come with me if I won our bet, and the Friendship Express leaves in an hour.”
“Oh yeah. That.” He chuckled sleepily. “I thought only Pinkie or Celestia could chow down that much cake.”
“And I’m still not ready to even look at another cake.”
Eric yawned and rolled over to face the direction opposite Starlight. “I’ll get up after a few more minutes. Go finish getting ready if you haven’t already. And don’t hop onto any scales anytime soon. Heh heh.”
“I will, but you better not fall back to sleep.” Starlight trotted out of Eric’s room, wearing a proud smile. “That was easy. Maybe Twilight was exaggerating how hard he is to wake up.”
The kite-liking unicorn returned to her room and double-checked her kites and kite-crafting materials. Only her best was worthy of Kite-con.
Ten minutes later, Starlight went back to Eric’s room to check up on him. He lay motionless in bed, snoring away again.
“Or maybe she wasn’t exaggerating.” Starlight disapprovingly shook her head. “This is why I warned you to not stay up late last night, but you didn’t listen. Time to put on my big sister hat.” She walked to Eric’s bed and poked him. He squirmed a little during the poke attack and his snoring halted, but his squirms ceased after the pokes. No dice.
“Let’s try this in a way you’ll understand better.”
The mare looked at two baseball bats lying against a wall. One of the two bats was glowing magenta – it was magic-infused and therefore hits far harder, but was intended for self-defense purposes only. Starlight’s horn glowed turquoise; the normal bat lit in the same color as it floated to her. She raised the bat, her sleeping target defenseless…and tapped Eric’s back with the end of the bat’s barrel a few times.
“Hey, MVP, it’s the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs! It’s a tie game with the bases empty! Step up to the plate and hit a Home Run!”
“Could someone pinch hit for me?” the laziest MVP of all time asked groggily. “I’m a pitcher that sucks at hitting anyway.”
“Ugh!” Starlight scowled, floated the bat back to the wall, then wrenched Eric’s blanket off of him with her magic. Eyes emitting fed-up fury, she bellowed, “That’s it, Eric Reed! Get out of that bed! Don’t make me do this the hard way!”
“Okay, okay, keep your horn on.” He dismissively waved his hand. “Buzz off and I’ll be ready in time.”
“Good, and sorry for yelling.” With her spike in anger calmed, Starlight turned and left the room. She hung right outside the door, but out of Eric’s view, just in case.
Several minutes passed, and snoring started radiating from inside the room, prompting Starlight to facehoof. Despite being a friendly mare, Starlight wasn’t always easy to live with due to her occasional stress-outs – she is Princess Twilight’s former protégé. Yet, frustration viciously slammed the door on any feelings that this was deserved. “Oh Celestia, what am I going to do with him? Of all the humans I could have been stuck with for a human little brother, he had to be the one.”
Starlight closed her eyes in thought; she now had to actually come up with a hard way. Her dormant pre-reformed self answered her internal requests for benign ideas, enticing a smirk to creep on her lips. “You asked for it, sleepyhead. Hard/fun way it is.”
Carrying a blowhorn in her magic, Starlight barged into Eric’s room and to his bed. She pointed her horn’s bell at one of her "brother's" ears; her already mischievous smirk grew further still. It was go time.
"I’m going to enjoy this way more than I should."
She sucked in a deep, heavy inhale. Once her lungs were at full capacity, the pony blew into her horn, air screaming out of her lungs.
The eardrum-destroying blare tore through its victim’s, well, eardrum. Eric shrieked as his eyes snapped open, flailed his arms on instinct, and rolled off his bed, landing on the floor with a heavy, painful thud.
“GET YOUR BUTT UP!”
Eric sprung to his feet with his eyes widened in alarm. His pajamas were a dark blue – a fitting color given his eyes were seeing white stars. “I-I didn’t ruin your books, Twilight, I sw–wait.” His stressed eyes eased. He more calmly stared around and at his blanket on the floor. “What happened?”
“Oh, I’ll tell you!” Starlight pointed a hoof at Eric. “You keep going back to sleep when I try to wake you up!”
“Ohh.” Eric facepalmed. “I did keep dozing back off, didn’t I?” He slowly leaned his head in remorse. “Sorry.”
Starlight smiled forgivingly while lowering her pointing hoof back to the floor. “It’s okay. Now, are you finally gonna rise and shine, or will I have to do this the harder way: teleport to Sugarcube Corner and send Pinkie in here?” Her lips curled into yet another smirk. It was as if the smirk was begging for its day to be made.
Even if Pinkie and Eric were good friends, NO. Whatever part of Eric still asleep sprang awake, showing in his eyes widening a second time as he rapidly shook his hands from side to side. “No! Not that! I’ll be good! You don’t need to sic energy incarnate on me! How long till the Friendship Express leave for Fillydelphia?”
“About forty-five or so minutes. If you hurry, we can make it in time.”
“Okay. I’m staying up this time, I promise.”
Starlight nodded in trust and stepped out of the room.
Eric massaged a side of his head – the side with the ear assaulted by horns. “Man, Starlight don’t play around. Even Twilight never went that far to wake me up.”
With his lesson of "never test the unicorn known as Starlight Glimmer" learned, or rather relearned, the not-so-sleepy human dragged himself to his dresser and gripped his comb. He grimaced as the comb tugged on his sleep-ragged hair’s knots – always a pain, figuratively and literally. He had taken a page out of Starlight's book and had his own mirror decorated with pictures of his Equestrian friends to "surround" his reflection. The copycat.
“Knew giving her that blasted horn last Hearths Warming could come back to bite me someday.”
Author's Note
There are "rude awakenings" and then there's that
. When Starlight wants your butt up, your butt will get up, one way or another.
