Warhammer Equestria

At a bar in Canterlot

“And then I said, that’s not your wife, that’s a donkey!” A soldier joked as the men drank at the bar.

Joe and Marsh joined in on the laughter before Joe came up with a joke. "Ah. Here's one that always split the sides of my companions."

"Oh, this will be good," Marsh said while drinking his ale.

"A man answers his door to a messenger. The messenger tells him he has bad and worse news. The man asks what the bad news is. The messenger says, "Your doctor told me to tell you you only have a week to live." Mortified, the man asks, "Well, what's the worse news?" The messenger says, "It took me six days to deliver the message."." At that point, the whole bar was in an uproar.

"Oh that never gets old." Marshall sighed as he finished his ale.

"Sir Joseph, you are a card." Princess Luna complimented while taking a few sips from her tankard that surprised some of the guests.

"I gotta say your highness, I never expected a lady such as yourself to be in a place like this." Joe smirked before Luna surprised him by chugging down her entire drink and slamming her mug to the table.

"There is much you don't know about me Sir Joseph."

"In that case, a fresh round!" Joe orders before turning to the princess. "So, Luna, if you permit me to call you that."

"I permit thee," She allows him as their drinks get to the table.

"Despite looking like a fair maiden, you hold yourself like a warrior. Care to indulge in stories about past battles?" Joe asked while handing her a flagon.

"Oh I could tell you more than that."

After several rounds of drinking, both men's faces were hot pink with ale while Luna kept laughing at her last story before noticing the time.

"Oh dear, I didn't realize it was so late. I must raise the moon and help my sister with whatever last minute duties she has. It was nice chatting with both of you." Luna smiled as she paid for their drinks and left the tavern with two of her guards.

"Our pleasure-urp!-your hhhkighness." Marshall slurred as he shakily stood up from his chair with Joe.

"This is gonna be one hell of a hangover..." Joe grumbled while they stumbled out of the bar and tried to make their way back to the castle.

As the men were walking through the streets, they spotted a mare being harassed by two questionable looking stallions in an alleyway and despite their drunken haze they could tell when trouble was brewing.

"I told you i'm not interested." The mare said as the men cornered her.

"Aw don't be like that beautiful, we can show you a real good time."

"Excuse us." Joe said aloud while finding his footing.

"These men bothering you miss?"

"Piss off, monkey boys. This is between us and this fine piece of ass," One of the stallions said while the other pulled out a knife.

"Ooooh, forgive our intrusions, mister hot shit!" Joe said in a loud voice. "But I believe the lady said she wasn't interested."

"Yes, and looking at your faces, I can see why," Marshall said before Joe started laughing out loud with him.

"Hey! Who you calling ugly, you bastards!" The stallion with the knife said while taking a step toward the two soldiers.

Joe smirked before walking up to the two. "You know, you're right. You're both ugly and stupid, cause your date just slipped away." The stallions turned and sure enough, the mare those two harassed had taken the opportunity to run off. "Oof, tough luck. Guess you two will have to beat each other's meat instead."

POW!!

One of the stallions sucker punched Joe as he and his friend began to laugh when Marshall retaliated with a haymaker to the thugs muzzle and sent him toppling in the garbage.

"I love taking out the trash." Marshall smirked while cracking his knuckles.

"YOU SON OF A!!" The second thug with the knife yelled as he lunged at Marshall and began swinging wildly just as Joe recovered.

"Nice hit," Joe said while rubbing his jaw. "Allow me to return the favor." Joe grabbed the knife-wielding thug from behind and slammed him on the pavement, knocking the wind out of him. Not missing a step, he delivered a punch across his muzzle, knocking him out. "Nighty night."

"Ohh you bastards have done it now..." The thug Marshall punched earlier growled as he stood up with a bloody muzzle.

In seconds a small brawl broke out in the alley and started drawing an audience when the mare from earlier came back with a few guards and pointed to the four men duking it out in the alley.

"Alright fellas break it up!" One of the unicorn guards shouted as he used magic to break them up.

"You're dead human! You hear me?!? DEAD!!"

"Don't bark if ya can't bite! HA!!"

While the guards were taking away the two stallions, two more came over to Marshall and Joe with a pair of shackles. "Alright you two, let's go."

"For what? Saving a lady from a couple of thugs?" Marsh asked.

"For disturbing the peace, taking the law into your own hands, and for public drunkenness." A mare guard said while clasping a set of irons on Joe.

"I won't argue with the first two, but as for being drunk in public, I have to put my foot down. We got drunk in a bar, then we were told it was time for Last-Call. So if anything, blame the bar." Joe said while pointing in the direction of where the bar is.

"Come on fellas, you can sleep it off in the cells."

"Hold up...I think I'm about to-HMPH!!"

Marshall made a dash for the nearest trash can where he blew his lunch while the guards shook their heads before hauling them off.

"Alright mister hero, let's go."

"With pleasure..." Joe said as they were taken to the local jail.

"Just like at the Red Moon Inn eh old buddy?" Joe asked Marshall who was still feeling miserable.

"When we're sober, remind me to hurt you very, very badly..." Marshall said before passing out on his cot.

The Next Morning

Splash

"Waah!"

"Fuck, that's cold!"

"Wake up, sleeping beauties! Almost time for breakfast!" A gruff-looking jailer said before tossing the bucket he used to wake them. "You're in luck, it's oatmeal." He then left them to stew in the cell.

Wiping away the water from his face, Joe looked over at Marshall. "I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of waking up in a cell with a hangover."

"So this is a regular occurrence with you." Outside the cell, Luna was looking down at them with a small smile.

"Your highness, so good to see you again, though the bars distort your beauty a bit," Joe said, making her blush.

"Is it the bars or the hangover?" Luna shook her head as the men collected themselves.

"Now your majesty, there is a perfectly good reason for this." Marshall said while getting up from his bed.

"The mare you helped told the guards everything. Still you should know better than to start fights in the streets if you wish for the citizens favor." Luna said as the jailer brought back their breakfast.

"Your majesty."

"Padlock."

"So how long are we in for?" Joe asked before digging into his breakfast.

"Your bail has already been posted but um..." Luna paused as the doors to the guard station suddenly flew open.

"WHERE IS HE?!?"

"Oh boy..." Marshall said as an infuriated Rainbow Dash came stomping through.

Dash stood in front of the cell and pointed right at Joe."YOU!"

"Dash? Why are you mad, what's going" It took him a moment before he remembered what Dash had told him yesterday. "...Ah, shit. My love, I'm so sorry about this."

"Sorry doesn't cut it! I was worried sick!"

"Not even married yet and you two are bickering already." Marshall complimented when both turned and shouted.

"SHUT UP!!"

"Do you know how long I waited? I had everything set for the perfect evening!" Dash complained as the cell doors opened.

Joe got up and went to talk with Dash but she just turned her back on him. Not deterred, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. "I'm sorry. There's no excuse for what I did. I should've come back on the train as soon as the meeting was over." He moved a hand to her shoulder and started rubbing it. "If there's anything I can do, anything at all, just tell me and I'll do it and more."

To this, Dash smirked and asked. "Anything?"

"Anything~," Joe said while nibbling her ear.

"EEE! For starters, quit it!" Dash laughed while shoving him back.

"Applejacks western orchard tonight. NO. DRINKING." She said sternly as she prepared to kiss him.

"Did you throw up?"

"No."

"Good. MMMWAH!"

Dash stepped away before walking out of the dungeon with a sway in her hip. "Ooohohoho, that mare. Marsh, let's get going." He was about to leave out the door, but he quickly turned around and kissed Luna's hand. "Your majesty. It was very nice seeing you again."

"Do try not to cause more mischief gentlemen. Sir Darren is already fuming enough as it is."

"Darren? Oh shit..." Marshall said before they returned to the castle to get what was the tongue lashing of a lifetime.

"WHAT WERE YOU IDIOTS THINKING?!?" Darren roared while pacing back and forth in irritation.

"Getting drunk in public, starting a fight with the locals and getting yourselves jailed for one whole night?!? How is it that you two bums became ranking officers in the Imperial Army?!?"

"To be fair, those two started the fight." Marshall said in their defense.

"And it was to stop them from causing a lady harm. Or worse, leave her unsatisfied," Joe said with a straight face.

"You are this close to stable duty." Darren threatened Joe as he got in his face.

"But, since his grace, our emperor, insists that since we are in the stages of pre-war, I shall let this go." Darren took a deep breath to calm himself. "But I swear to Sigmar, if I catch you two behind bars again for disturbing the peace, I'll demote the both of you! And furthermore, no more drinking! That's an order!"

"Yes sir..." Both men sighed.

"Dismissed!" Darren barked before heading back to his tent while Marshall glared at Joe.

"Well don't blame me!"

"I BLAME you!" Marshall hissed as he left to patrol the town.

Joe brushed off the encounter before returning to Ponyville, via train. Once there, he started patrolling the streets with his men.

At first it seemed the town was carrying on like normal until he noticed a crowd had gathered at the local bulletin board and were talking amongst themselves.

"Can you believe it?" One pony asked the other next to him while Joe pushed through the crowd.

"This is really happening."

"Must be bad if it's a royal decree."

"What's happening?" Joe asked after getting through.

"Canterlot has issued a call to arms, they're forming an army to fight the orks."

"Well, that was fast," Joe said to himself before departing for his duties. While nearing Sugarcube Corner, he was tackled from behind and the two rolled on the ground a bit. After stopping on his back, he looked up to see Dash staring back at him with a smirk. "We've got to stop meeting like this."

The two shared a kiss before Dash spoke. "Better than seeing you through bars." She got off him and helped him up. "Did you get in trouble with Darren?"

"Aye. Threatened to demote me and clean the stables for a month or so. But, I sweet-talked him out of it." Joe then kisses the crook of her neck. "We still on for tonight?"

"Yes, we are. Hope you keep your promise not to drink before then," She said with a stern look.

"Not a drop will touch my lips. It was practically ordered from on high," Joe smirked. "See you tonight."

"Tonight then." She gave him another kiss before flying off.

Some of the townsfolk who were watching gave a few whistles at the couple as Joe returned to his duties.

With the call to arms sounded, it wasn't long before royal guards from Canterlot as well as they imperial army began setting up recruitment stations and to the surprise of the humans, many equestrians were eager to join their ranks.

"Lookin' for some action soldier?" An imperial officer asked as a pony signed his name on the roster.

"I've always dreamed of living a soldiers life, it sounds like an adventure!"

"Then welcome to the army, next!"

The next recruit was a bit younger and seemed a bit nervous as he approached the roster.

"You look nervous son? Second thoughts?" The officer asked.

"A a little. You see my family comes from a long line of guards and well sad to say I didn't make the cut. I'm hoping this time will be different."

"Only if you got the courage. Sign up."

Once he signed up, a giant-looking pegasus with tiny wings on his back came up to the recruiter. "You look like you could swat a few Orks. Here to sign up?"

"YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!" The stallion yelled before signing his name. When he was done, he let out a girlish laugh before running off.

"Who in the name of the gods was that?" The second officer asked while they checked his names.

"Bulk Biceps. Man's got spirit, I'll give him that."

As the men continued their recruitment, a group ponies carrying picket signs suddenly began marching up to their station and even began cutting off the ponies looking to sign up.

"What's all this?"

“Oh joy, protestors,” Darren rolled his eyes.

"Fellow ponies, Violence is not the answer!" Shouted the leader of the protesters who looked like she was in serious need of a barber.

"Do not allow these humans to manipulate you into fighting as their pawns! Already they have brainwashed our fair princess into their war mongering, how long until the rest of Equestria follows?"

"That is blatant slander!!" One of the recruiters shouted back.

"Damn Hippies, Joe said under his breath before walking up to their leader. "Ma'am, if I may, all we're doing is giving your land the opportunity to defend itself. Before you say, yes, I'm aware of the Elements, but can you honestly say they'll always be around, or even be in the same area the threat is?"

"And who's to say you're not the REAL threat here?" The pony asked while poking her finger at Joe.

"We've always found peaceful solutions to ANY conflict and then you come here with your bad vibes poisoning the mind of our fellow ponies."

"Ma'am I assure you our intentions are pure."

"There is nothing pure about promoting violence."

"While you are free to voice your opinion, the ponies of this land are also free to choose whether they want to fight or not. In the end it's their choice, not ours." Joe shot back to the protestors.

"Now please clear the way and let us continue our jobs."

Joe was about to continue his patrol, but he turned back to whisper. "Also, and this is just between you and me, but smelling like pipe weed demotes your credibility."

By noon, the recruiting for the imperial army was finished and Joe was able to go about his patrol while listening to the news ponies shout out headlines from their local paper.

"EXTRA EXTRA! Greenskin menace continues to rampage across countryside! Princess Celestia issues a call to arms!"

"Orks spotted on the borders of Appleoosa! Bison tribes now seek refuge with settler ponies!"

"Just like home..." Joe sighed to himself when he spotted a patrol coming down the road and looked like they had just been through hell.

"Men, what news?"

"Saved another caravan sir. Damn goblins and they were riding these strange wolves."

"Strange? Strange how?"

"They were...well made of wood!"

"Sounds like Timberwolves hon." Said the voice of Applejack who was selling Apples from her cart.

"Timberwolves?"

"Yup. Strange beasties made of wood, vine and rock. I'm surprised those goblin fellers were able to tame em."

"....where can you find these wolves?" Joe asked out of curiosity.

"They're all in the Everfree Forest. It's why my family never wanders the orchards at night."

"I see. Men, gather some supplies for tonight. We're going on a wolf hunt." Joe told a group of soldiers before heading for the barracks. As night fell on the town, the soldiers and new recruits gathered at the local tavern for a round of drinks and fun with music and laughter echoing into the night.

End.