Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want
Get your laughs out. I know you’re listening. You’ve always been watching me, ever since I was just an egg. I know you have. This is nothing new to you. Just another flash of good old Spike to give you the entertainment you need. Or maybe just something to scoff at. I get that, too.
Are you finished?
Good, because I’m not.
…Maybe I’m just being selfish.
I know that I have to make my own path. I’ve tried. I’m still trying. It’s easier said than done, you know? I don’t know how I want to… grow up, I guess. Being a pony isn’t so bad, at least that’s how I see it, now. But being a dragon… there’s that, that feeling! The feeling of being free. Free from the awareness of what’s happening to me. Or I mean, the awareness that I’m so close to understanding my life.
…Freedom. I wish I could fly. Maybe I could at least get that.
No, that’s still too much to ask for. Have to make do with the hoof I’ve been dealt. Claw. Hoof. Just keep working with what I’ve got, until it’s something.
…Hey, you know what? She has a name. The tree. Golden Oak. The library’s just its own thing. I take care of all the trimming, and make sure she’s ready for the seasons. I make sure the bees and I are on good terms. I even get her saplings-to-be to where they should be: around town. And I definitely make sure she looks good for anypony watching. It’s a lot of work, keeping up with all of the stuff on her to-do list, especially on top of everything else I do. That’s not to say it’s too much for me. Nopony else could do it the way I can. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.
And on that note, the library isn’t so bad itself! Yeah, I’ve always thought this place was the greatest! Ever since me and Twilight settled in. Always have, that’s my guarantee. Everything about it is perfect. It’s this… well, perfect space for learning! And…
…I’m getting carried away. Sorry. I don’t get to talk to others a lot, especially at times like these, where everypony else is off adventuring, and the world is quiet. Yeah… it’s not like you can really talk back. But at least you’re hearing me out. That’s more than I usually get.
I’m being selfish again.
Look, I still get recognition for the work I do. But it’s always short-lived. At the end of the day, all everypony sees is the baby dragon of the Ponyville library. Just… Spike. To them, it’s just a case of if I’ve had a lazy day, or a working day. And that’s when they remember I exist.
Usually, I have to go out of my way to be noticed.
It doesn’t end well. You know that. You’ve seen that.
But you also know me the best, like nopony else in Equestria. You either hate me, or… you understand. Or you’re at least trying to.
I appreciate it if you do. Thanks. Even if it’s as fleeting as noticing anything else about me. The world is infinitely more interesting.
And that’s fine, I guess. I can’t really compete.
It’s no big deal, anyhow. I’m glad you’re better off than me, sitting in a position where checking in is a little scrape off the time you have. I’m trying not to hold grudges. It doesn’t help me, and it doesn’t help you.
…This is the part where you figure out why you’re really here. The part where I tell you why I really whirled up a storm. None of this talk about stuff you already know. Cutting right to the chase. Oh yeah.
The fact is, I don’t really know what I want.
I love the library. I love the work I do here. I love the time I spend with my friends.
Maybe… maybe I really do just wish I had more of it all.
…There. I said it.
Greedy and selfish. That’s what comes naturally to me. The heart of a dragon, but only the worst parts. No strength. No will. Just… mindless desire. I could do so much more. I can do so much more. And—and I’m tired of blaming everypony else. It’s… it’s…
…It’s all my fault.
It’s not bad luck. It’s not a bad life. It’s not like I haven’t been given a chance.
You’re giving me a chance right now. And… I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t apologize. But I still feel like I’ve wasted your time. But really, I need moments like this. Or at least, it feels like I do.
Maybe… No, I am just being… stupid.
Twilight says not to use that word. I know I shouldn’t.
I’m not being stubborn, or… lost, like I usually am. So I’m just being stupid. I know what I’m doing. I’m doing it so I can keep you around. So I won’t be alone.
I hate being alone. But you already knew that, didn’t you? We all have to be alone sometimes, don’t we? It… sucks. It sucks to be alone during good times. Good times that you’re not around. Like six friends on an adventure, with the seventh left behind. Not that they want it that way, that’s just the way it is. And that’s okay.
I guess all I’m trying to say is that… I’m still here. I’m always here, even when you’re not watching. And I want you to spend that time happy. Even if I’d rather you be around. But I’m okay. And it’ll be okay. So long as I keep working, and trying my best to make things good. So long as Golden Oak looks timeless whenever you see her… and me.
Maybe one day, we can sit down together, and both be happy.
Maybe.
Life’s a lot of guesswork, huh?
But I know I can’t wait to see my friends again.
