No, Agent Drops, I Expect You to Love Me

by Captain_Hairball

Rating: teen
Tags: Violence, Opalescence, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Lyra, Romance, Bon-Bon, Adventure
Length: 1913

When secret agent Sweetie Drops is captured by the Mare with the Emerald Hands and taken to her secret underwater base, she thinks she knows how things will go. Then Lyra makes it weird.

When secret agent Sweetie Drops is captured by the Mare with the Emerald Hands and taken to her secret underwater base, she thinks she knows how things will go. She’ll be imprisoned. She’ll nearly lose all hope, then she’ll find the inner strength she needs to defeat the villain in a climactic battle.

But then Lyra makes it weird.

There are no series tags for James Bond or Austin Powers, but I'm sure you'll get the idea. :raritywink:

Second Place winner in Bike's Lyrabon contest.

Published 2022-09-27 14:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-09-27 14:10:01 UTC

You Only Buck with Bon Bon Once

Secret Agent Sweeties Drops knocked out the guard with a devastating right hook to the jaw. He went down like a sack of sugar. She noticed a motion behind her. Without thinking, she lashed out with a hind leg and hoofed the medium sneaky goon right in the snout.

She circled in place, marking sure he had been the last one. Satisfied the battle was won, she straightened her bowtie and surveyed the pile of unconscious ponies that had built up around her. One of them twisted and moaned. She glared at him, and he flopped back down pretending to be unconscious.

So that was it for her escape. It was time to search the Mare with the Emerald Hands’ secret underwater base and see what all this was about. While the passages of the base were very similar-looking, with their white walls and round hatches broken up by observation decks presenting breathtaking underwater vistas, there were handy signs at every intersection.

“Let’s see,” she muttered to herself. “Mess hall. Gym. Rec Room. Secret weapon Development. Headquarters.” She visited the weapon lab and found that whatever project Emerald Hands had been working on had already been deployed (whatever it was, it had been wet and smelled like fish). She’d been brought a lovely three-course dinner in her prison cell, the guards had already given her a workout, and there was no time for fun. So headquarters it was.

The narrow hall opened out into a wide foyer terminating in a very large hatch. Support struts ran up the side walls. The second she stepped into the open, a burly goon in a gray suit leaped out from behind one of these and threw his hat at her.

She effortlessly caught the hat in her jaws. She snapped her neck and the hat flew towards the goon. He ducked, and the hat embedded its brim in the wall behind him.

Sweetie Drops lunged forward and stomped the floor. “Get out of my way!”

The goon rose on his hind legs, forehooves raised in a boxer’s stance. Sweetie Drops bared her teeth and growled.

He yelped and fled past her into the corridor.

Sweetie Drops twisted the wheel to open the hatch. It creaked as it swung open.

The headquarters was a vast, round chamber. Banks of controls ran in rows across the floor—all unstaffed. Two enormous monitors dominated the walls on either side, one showing dozens of camera feeds for the base, the other a map of the globe with various lights and symbols blinking in locations of significance. The far end was all one massive hexagonal window like the windshield of a spaceship, looking out over the edge of the dropoff into the dark, swirling depths of the ocean. A large, comfortable-looking chair sat on a raised platform in front of the window, facing away from her.

“So,” said a familiar mare’s voice. “My plan finally comes to fruition. The jewel heists, the trail of fiendish clues, holding the moon hostage, threatening the world’s shipping routes with my new secret weapon. It was all to bring Equestria’s greatest secret agent out of retirement and bring her here. To me.”

Sweetie Drops gasped. She knew that voice. “Lyra! What the heck!”

The chair rotated. Sure enough, Lyra sat in it in that funny way she had, back straight, legs hanging over the edge. Glowing green magic hands attempted to caress a fat white cat sprawled on her lap, who hissed and clawed at them like they were preparing her for a bath. “You never suspected, did you? That I, your best friend, was behind everything the whole time!”

“You’re my girlfriend, and you’re annoying, and I was hoping it wasn’t you. The Mare with the Emerald Hands? Really? Who else could that be?”

Lyra snorted in annoyance. “At least I got your attention.”

Sweetie Drop squinted at the cat. “Is that Rarity’s cat?”

“Um, yes?”

“You stole Rarity’s cat!?”

“No! I’m cat-sitting! Come on! I’m a supervillain, not a monster!”

Opalescence mewled, as if to question this assertion from someone so stingy with cat treats as Lyra, and hopped out of her lap. She trotted down the platform to rub herself against Bon Bon’s legs.

“You’re not a supervillain, you’re acting out! Lyra, we’ve been over this. I get wrapped up in my life, with the candy shop and the blending into crowds and everything. I’m more extroverted than you. It’s not fair to you, I know. But when you’re feeling neglected, you need to tell me, not do this...” She waved her forehooves at the general milieu, “...attention seeking. “

“This isn’t attention seeking! This is a plan for global domination!”

Bon Bon stomped her hoof. “It’s a tantrum, Lyra, and it needs to stop!” Opalescence dodged the angry hoof, hopped on Bon Bon’s back, and curled up.

Lyra slouched in her seat. “I don’t know what else you expect me to do. If I don’t try to get your attention, you’re going to forget me. Look at you! You did more cool things before I met you than... no, you’ve done more things today than I have my entire life! You’re beautiful, you’re popular, you’re a veteran, you run a successful business, you’re always invited to parties. Heck, even Opal likes you! And what am I?”

“You’re a CSGU graduate. You’re a musician. You’re good with your hands.”

Lyra waved her telekinetic hands around in frustration “And what have I done with that? I’m so successful I have to take pet-sitting jobs to cover my half of the rent.”

“You don’t need to do that, honey. I told you. I’m good for it. And this base is pretty impressive. Did you make this?”

“Yeah. I was really excited about it when I started working on it, but after a while I got bored. A lot of the parts in the back are held together with epoxy and duct tape.”

“Oh, speaking of which, did you fix the hinges on the back door like I asked?”

Lyra hung her head and pressed a glowing green hand against her face. “Oh, horse apples! No! I forgot!”

Bon Bon sighed. “Lyra, if we don’t fix that the landlord’s going to take it out of our deposit when we move!”

“I know!”

“We wanted to get a house together!”

Lyra held out her hands towards Bon Bon palms up and crossed her forelegs over her chest, sulking. “See, this is what I mean. I can’t focus! Except when I can, but then only on things that aren’t important! I’m useless! You could do better!”

Bon Bon walked up the steps to Lyra’s platform. “I couldn’t do better. Do you think I want someone more like me? Someone boring and practical?”

Still slouching, Lyra’s eyes tracked her as she approached. “Nothing is boring about you, Bonnie.”

Bon Bon gently pushed Lyra’s telekinetic hands away and put her hooves on the arms of the chair. She pressed her lips against Lyra’s. For an endless, breathless moment they kissed. “Come on. Come on home with me. You can fix that door, and we’ll order dinner out.”

Lyra pouted. “Can we get noodles?”

“Yes, we can get noodles.”

“All right. Fine.” She pushed the intercom button on her chair. “Attention all hands. The Mare with the Emerald hands had been defeated. My evil plan has been foiled. You can all go home. Head to the escape subs. If you see anypony Bon Bon knocked out be a pal and carry them to safety, okay? And good work, everybody. We knew we were gonna lose, but you gave it your best. There’ll be free cider at the afterparty.”

Muffled cheers sounded from the depths of the underwater base.

Bon Bon stroked Lyra’s chest ruff. “Now was that so hard?”

“Naw,” said Lyra, hopping off the chair. “My private sub’s super nice. I’ll show you!”

“Neat. Can I steer?”

“Yeah. It’s sluggish steering to port so be careful. Also, it shakes if you go over seven knots, so go easy on the throttle.”

Halfway to the emergency exit, Bon Bon remembered the water and the fish smell in Lyra’s lab. “Hey, what was your secret weapon, anyway? It wasn’t sharks with laser beams or something ridiculous like that, was it?”

Lyra laughed dismissively. “Oh, no. That reference is getting dated.”

“Whew. That’s a relief.”

“No, I made a megalodon with a rail gun.”

With a soft thump, a perfectly round hole about a hoof’s breath across appeared in the command center’s window. Water shot through it like a fire-hose, like a geyser.

The round chunk of plexiglass bounced off Lyra’s head, knocking her out cold.

Opalescence yowled and climbed to the top of Bon Bon’s head, claws out. Bon Bon grabbed Lyra and tossed her over her back behind Opal.

Beyond the window, an abyss darker than the depth of the sea loomed. Its edges were lined with rows of white razors. The window shivered as the darkness impacted against it, then shattered. Saltwater roared through and closed over the three creatures.

✭☆✭☆✭☆✭

Bon Bon came to in a dark, damp place that smelled like a tuna canning plant. She shook her head clear and felt around until she found Lyra and Opalescence. Satisfied they were still alive and relatively unharmed, she reached into her suit coat and pulled her night vision sunglasses out of their hidden pocket.

They were in the megalodon’s mouth, resting on its tongue. Bon Bon hadn’t even known sharks had tongues. Did they, generally? Or was this one different? She made a mental note to have Lyra look it up when they got home. Sending her on unimportant fact-finding missions was a good way to keep her out of trouble for an hour or two.

If they ever got home.

They needed to get out of here before the shark swallowed. Or started to chew. Did sharks chew? Her secret agent training had left a lot of holes in her knowledge base.

“I need a plan,” she whispered to herself. But who was she kidding? Bon Bon only ever made two kinds of plans: kick something, or blow something up. And while she did have a C4 cuff-link left, the detonator was probably wet, and, in this confined space, she was likely to catch Lyra and Opalescence in the blast.

So kicking it was. The megalodon’s uvula hung down behind them, glistening and wobbling. Did sharks usually have... “You know what? Never mind.” She planted her forehooves, spun around, and started bicycle kicking the dangling lozenge of flesh. The creature’s body jerked. It shuddered. It started to swallow, and she kicked it harder. “You let us out of here! If you swallow us, I’m sure there are lots of other things I can kick down there that will hurt even worse!

✭☆✭☆✭☆✭

Half a mile off the coast of Equestria, the largest shark in the world broke the water in a fountain of sea foam. Its sleek gray body arched through the air, its weapons array glittering in the radiant light of the golden sun. At the top of its arc, it pursed its lips and spat.

Seconds later, two ponies and a cat thudded onto an isolated beach, face down, buried in sand up to their waists.

“Ow,” said Lyra.

Opal hissed.

“Just to be clear, Lyra?”

“Yeah, Bon Bon?”

“Next time you feel neglected? Use your words.”