I will not buy this smoothie; it is scratched
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I will not buy this smoothie; it is scratched
The strangeness of what had just been said was enough to jolt Sunny out of her temporary lapse of concentration. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
The pony on the opposite side of her smoothie counter maintained his facial expression. He looked very unhappy. "Here is a smoothie who have a bad looks. Give me another; I will not that."
Sunny wasn't sure she was hearing correctly. "Well, it's made the way I usually make them. What appears to be the problem with it?"
The pony continued onwards in his rather curious approach to Ponish. "It is pursy, it is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like?" He paused to take a breath. "It is undshoed, it is with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier."
'That got dark quickly', Sunny thought to herself. As she processed what had just been said to her, her mind flashed back to earlier in the day, and she realised something was very wrong in Maretime Bay.
Earlier that morning...
Sunny's day had started as most days around Maretime Bay did. The sun shone into the Crystal Brighthouse as she stumbled into the foyer, keen to start her day with her friends.
It seemed as though she'd badly overslept. There were plenty of dishes already in the kitchen, with a couple of glasses that appeared to have apple juice in them at some point.
'What a mess,' Sunny thought to herself, and set about clearing them up. This was most unlike them.
After having grabbed something quick to keep her going until she was down in the bay, Sunny grabbed her bag and slipped on her roller blades to make her way into town. After all, she only had half an hour until her smoothie stand opened.
She slipped out of the door and sped over to a nearby lake. She had spotted Izzy looking in the water, seemingly fascinated by it. "Hey Izzy! Find something interesting?"
Izzy looked over with a giggle. "That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes," she replied.
Sunny blinked and did a double take. "Sorry? I don't quite follow."
Izzy looked baffled in turn. "That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes. Let us amuse rather to the fishing!" She levitated two objects out of a nearby basket. "Here, there is a wand and some hooks!"
Sunny shook her head. "I can't right now Izzy, but I'd be happy to do it later. See ya later!"
Izzy nodded. "Which pleasure! Which charm! The field has by me a thousand charms."
Sunny sped off towards Maretime Bay to save some time. Sure, she loved Izzy as a friend, but she seemed to be in one of her weird phases at the moment. The words were certainly Ponish, but the structure was far proper.
As she skated down the streets, she overheard a conversation between two colts.
"She do not that to talk and to cackle!" said the first. "She laughs at my nose, she jest by me!"
The other colt sagely nodded. "Never have I feeld a such heat."
Sunny was even more baffled. Two colts were speaking in the exact same manner as Izzy. Maybe it was just a new trend?
She skated to a stop where her stand was usually kept, and set it up, observing the other ponies around her to try and establish what was going on.
As she finished arranging her items, two unicorns strolled past, discussing what seemed to be a film.
"Were you go to the theatre yesterday?" asked one.
"Never I had seen the parlour so full," the other replied. "She has very much grace in the deeds, great deal of exactness on the declamation, a constitution very agreeable, and a delightful voice."
The first laughed. "Have you seen already the new tragedy? They praise her very much."
"No, it was divined. It want to have not any indulgence towards the bat buffoons."
They trotted off into the distance, their conversation still incomprehensible.
Sunny found herself trying to understand what in Equestria was going on. Why was everypony speaking so oddly?
There was suddenly a ring of the bell, and a pony spoke. "Here is a smoothie who have a bad looks. Give me another; I will not that."
The strangeness of what had just been said was enough to jolt Sunny out of her temporary lapse of concentration. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
The pony on the opposite side of her smoothie counter maintained his facial expression. He looked very unhappy. "Here is a smoothie who have a bad looks. Give me another; I will not that."
Sunny wasn't sure she was hearing correctly. "Well, it's made the way I usually make them. What appears to be the problem with it?"
The pony continued onwards in his rather curious approach to Ponish. "It is pursy, it is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like?" He paused to take a breath. "It is undshoed, it is with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier."
'That got dark quickly', Sunny thought to herself.
Sunny knew that she had to find Hitch and get to the bottom of this. She left up a notice stating she was temporarily out and to come back later, and went off towards the Police Station. On her way, she saw Posey shouting at a pegasus.
"You do want to fall?" she shouted. "You have hit me the face with yours cupcakes!"
As she dashed along to the police station, she dodged past Phyllis Cloverleaf and Sprout leaving. Their dialogue seemed to relate to something that had happened inside, but was (as with everypony else) complete nonsense.
"You are young and strong," Phyllis informed her son. "it would be better to work as you deliver to the business who you do."
This seemed to annoy Sprout. "It is money as I beg you, not councils!"
Sunny opened the door and dashed inside, desperate to escape this insanity for perhaps a few minutes. Luckily, she soon spotted Hitch at his desk, checking over his paperwork. Hopefully he was still speaking normally.
"Hitch?" Sunny asked. "We have a problem."
Her hopes were dashed as Hitch glanced up and smiled. "How does your father do?" he asked.
Sunny facehoofed. "This isn't a joke, Hitch! Everypony is speaking really strangely and I have no idea why. Do you have any clues as to what's happening?"
"Do not might one's understand to speak," Hitch replied. "You not make that to prate all day's work." He looked back to his desk, then glanced over to one of the menagerie of animals that seemed to follow him around. "This pen are good for notting. During I finish that letter, do me the goodness to scal this packet; it is by my cousin."
Sunny could see that talking here would get her nowhere, so she set off outdoors. "See you later, Hitch!"
Hitch seemed surprised as Sunny's sudden exit. He glanced to another animal. "Do you like the reading good deal too many which seem me?"
The next pony Sunny located, having dodged two pegasi having a rather strange conversation about having fighted themselves together, was Pipp, who seemed to be doing a livestream. A livestream that seemed to have been translated from Ponish to some unknown language and then back again.
Literally.
"What is there in new's litterature?" she asked her followers. "A little learneds are happies enough for to may to satisfy their fancies on the literature."
Sunny appeared in the background of the image. "Hello?"
Pipp looked about. "Sunny! Take care that you not give me a foot kick's."
"Sorry," the earth pony replied, looking a bit awkward. "But could you ask your followers to post a message in the chat? There's something I want to check."
Pipp nodded, and looked back. "Go to send for," she instructed her followers. "Apply you at the study during that you are young. Have you understand that she says?"
The flood of responses that came in suggested that the ponies on the other end certainly understood what was being asked of them. And these responses were even more incoherent than anypony else's. At least in the other cases Sunny could figure out what they were trying to say.
Sing an area.
That are the dishes whose you must be and to abstain.
Give me some good milk newly get out.
Sunny nodded. "So it's aflicting most of the planet. Thanks!"
Pipp turned to continue the conversation. "How is that gentilpony who you did speak by and by?" she asked.
"I'm not sure who you're referring to," Sunny answered. "A bit of context, please?"
"Tongh he is a unicorn," Pipp began, "he speak so much well pegasus, earth pony, and unicorn, that among the pegasuses they believe him pegasus. The Earth Ponies belie ve him Earthponying, and the unicorns, unicron." She sighed. "It is difficult to enjoy well so much several languages."
The only hope now was Zipp, whom Sunny was yet to run into. The sooner she escaped from this madness the better.
Sunny returned to the Crystal Brighthouse after a few minutes galloping along. She skidded to a halt, hoping somepony hadn't left the keys in the wrong place. "Zipp?" she called. "Are you there?"
There was no reply. Sunny pushed open the door and stepped inside. The interior was precisely the same as she had left it, with the dishes still neatly stacked as before. But Sunny had no time to concentrate on that.
She dashed onto the lift and ascended into the clouds, right to the top of the Crystal Brighthouse. The crystals were housed here, and Sunny suspected something was to do with them.
As she reached the top platform, she saw Zipp looking closely at it. The pegasus looked at her and spoke. "Tell me, it can one to know? That not says a word, consent."
"Have the crystals been behaving oddly?" Sunny asked.
Zipp nodded. "Is sure the road? The thunderbolt is falling down."
Sunny was able, through a little bit of logical thought, to establish what Zipp was referring to. "Of course! The crystals are out of alignment! I just need to put them back into position and we should be back to normal!"
As if on cue, her alicorn form flared into being, allowing her to access the magic required to fix this problem once and for all. With a quick blast of magical energy, the fragments were pushed into shape, with a gentle rattle and a bang.
The effects of the crystals being put back into alignment were felt almost immediately. There was a blast of energy, and suddenly the wave of rainbows flew through the air and landed everywhere.
Sunny panted with the effort as her alicorn form powered down. She headed out onto the elevator and dropped down it to the ground floor, just in time for her friends to see her.
Izzy was the first to speak. "Hey Sunny! That sure was a wild ride! We were all speaking super weird!"
"You mean wierder than normal?" Hitch suggested. "The weird part is none of us even noticed what was going on. Clearly magic is more powerful than we thought."
"It shows the importance of keeping the crystals set up properly, huh?" Pipp added, relieved that her streams were no longer entirely composed of gobbledegook.
"How about we celebrate? Magic is saved yet again!" Izzy cheered.
"What is it now? It that the third or forth time?" Zipp enquired, as she touched down. "There seems to be a slight delay, as mom's still speaking in weird; apparently, she has mind to vomit."
Hitch now spoke again, the first thing he had said in a while. "Thanks for the help, Sunny. Without you, we'd all be struggling to make ourselves understood."
Sunny smiled. "Eh. Nothing some money, nothing some Swiss."
The smile dropped from her face as the words she had just said entered her mouth.
Author's Note
English as She is Spoke is a Portuguese to English phrase guide written by Pedro Carolino in 1855. However, Carolino spoke no English, so his solution was to plagiarise a Portuguese to French phrasebook and translate the French to English word by word using a dictionary.
This has the effect of rendering the various English phrases in the book complete and utter nonsense, producing gems such as 'It is difficult to enjoy well so much several languages' and 'That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes'.
Widely considered a masterpiece of unintentional comedy, the work is the origin of the phrase 'English as she is spoke proper', which is often used to satirise bad grammar. Many of the phrases in this story were taken directly from the work, with some alterations to fit the setting.
