Tactical Hillbilly

by aegishailstorm

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Profanity, Random, Violence, Main 6, Applejack, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Thriller
Length: 7429

What in Uncle Sam's name do yawl mean by; Magic of Friendship?

They go by many names, Redneck, Cowboy, Good Ole Boys, Country Bumpkin, Hillbilly...

Earl Dribbles Junior, is one of them. He works hard on his farm, keeps his animals healthy. Drives a truck, keeps to his morals, plays his banjo, and makes sure to never be caught unarmed. He lives life the best he can. One day, a group of rather interesting group of creatures find themselves on his land. He's more than happy to introduce the Equestrians to the backwoods American lifestyle.

Published 2022-10-14 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2022-11-23 22:54:43 UTC

If This Barbed Wire Fence Could Talk...

A glimmer of sunlight shone through an oak treeline as birds chirped in the distance. Wind rustled the north Texas grassland as various creatures went about their day. It was another day on Yee Yee farm. Everything was as it should be. A deer pranced out of an overgrown brush line into a meadow, and surveyed the area around it. It's ears swiveled leftward as it heard a conspicuous distant clicking noise which it had never heard before. A half second later, a single gunshot rang out across the landscape. And the deer fell to the ground. In the distance, a flock of birds took to the sky. All the little critters scurried back into their hiding holes.

Again, just another day on Yee Yee farm.

A man emerged from the other side of the meadow, clad in a white tank top, a set of overall jeans, cowboy boot's, and a camouflage baseball cap with the words; " Don't Tread on Me." Plastered across the front. He held a 12 gauge shotgun in his hands. He began walking towards the down deer, not 30 yards from him. As he crossed the meadow, he ejected the spent shell of 00 Buckshot which he had used up. His pace quickened slightly as he approached the deer. He took a knee right next to it, and surveyed his prize. " Heh," He pulled his hat off and wiped the sweat off his brow. "I'll put ya to good use." He grabbed the buck by the neck and hefted it onto his back. " You gon' feed Earl well 'night!" He said to himself.

"Yee Yee!" He called out, waving his shotgun in the air. He was headed back to his barn, where he'd skin and prepare the deer for dinner. Earl Dribble's Jr. smirked, and spit a bit of tabaco out of his mouth. He walked the half mile back to his Farm House and Barn. Well... It wasn't really fair to call it a house. But it was home to him nonetheless. And he couldn't imagine a better place for himself to live in.

Earl walked back in silence. There was no other reason to talk. There was nothing else on his mind. The cow's and other animals on the farm paid him no mind as he walked across his fields. Regardless of the fact that he was carrying a dead buck on his back. In fact, most of 'em didn't even both lookin g up from their grazing spot.

Earl left the field, opened the gate which separated his land from his house and barn with row on row of rusty barbed wire. Despite the poor condition it was in. He made sure there was never a gap in it. It all had to be covered. Three lines and four 'n a half feet tall. He crosses the dirt parking lot and headed into his barn. There, he grabbed a set of knives and began the process of cutting it up. After he had finished cleaning it, he threw the majority of it into his meat fridge. Patted one of his horses on the muzzle, and walked outside to start a fire for the night. Even though he had a shack of his own, Earl almost always preferred to sleep out under the stars. He as he left his barn, he looked up at the rusty old windmill which had been on the farm since the 1920's.

"Owww! What in tarnation!?" Applejack jumped to her hooves and looked around. She dusted her hat off and put it back on her head. One look around told the whole story. She appeared to be on the edge of a small piece of woodland. To the left of her was a gravel road. It didn't look like Equestria, the variety of flora was too great for that. She could hear birds chirping in the distance. As well as a noise that was familiar, but not familiar enough to identify it directly. It reminded her a bit of a train. She took a few steps forward, and came face to face with something she did recognize. Brandon Herrera and the other humans brought one to Ponyville. She recalled that they had called it a 'pickup truck.' Perhaps whoever was driving it could give her a better perspective on where she exactly she had ended up. She trotted over to the side of the road and raised her hoof in an attempt to wave them down. As it got closer she recognized the American flag flying off the back of it.

"Heh, maybe they're friends of the other's!" That raised her spirit's a little bit. The vehicle ground to a halt next to her, the left side window rolled down.

" Hmmph. What are ya?" He asked, tipping his hat, he had on a red flannel shirt and a pair of jeans, alongside a belt with an enormous buckle, and a set of work boots." I'm a pony, name's Applejack!" She said, sticking her hoof out. The man inside froze for a moment. " Well, ya don't look like no pony I've ever seen. But there's a first time for everything. Name's Buddy. Buddy Brown." He reached out and shook her hoof. "Are you looking for a ride?"

"Yeah."

"Where to ma'am?" She scratched her chin. "I dunno." He returned the nod, "Well. Ya look hungry, I've got a friend that could take you in for the time being. Hop in the back." She looked at the front cabin. Buddy laughed. " Hah, not with those muddy hooves! C'mon! Oh, by the way, I should warn ya-" He could hear laughing and barking behind him.

"I was travelling George, my Labrador. Don't worry, he shouldn't be a problem. Hold on back there!" He rolled down his other window and took off down the road.

About 15 minutes later...

The F150 pulled into the 'driveway' of Earl's farm. "Well, we're here. Buddy jumped out and knocked on the gate. " Eh???" As voice called from down the road. Earl appeared on the other side with his shotgun in hand. " Hey, Buddy! Haven't seen you in a while!"

" Good afternoon Earl. I've got a friend here who need's a place to stay for a while, think ya can help?" He chuckled. " Sure- Wait... Is it one of 'em city boy's?" He frowned. Buddy Brown laughed again. " Naw man, take a look, climb on out Applejack."

"Holy mother of moonshine! Is this your version of a horse?" He raised an eyebrow in suspicion as Applejack climbed out of the bed of the truck and trotted up to the gate. "Greeting's... Earl?" He looked down at the little pony for a few moments, taking a look at her hat. He chuckled, and swung the gate open.

"Welcome to Yee Yee farm ma'am. I can take it from here Buddy."

"No prob Earl." He drove off in a cloud of dust. Leaving the hillbilly and the mare standing alone.

" C'mon, let's go." Earl turned away and walked off. Applejack followed behind. "Where are we goin'?" Earl didn't answer. " Gosh, I wonder where my friend's are right 'bout now." Applejack thought to herself as she dug her hooves into the gravel.

The Last Ray of the Day

Earl didn't stop walking until he had reached his barn doors. Applejack followed behind him. She gazed around at Earl's farm to find nothing out of the ordinary. It had all the same feature's as Sweet Apple Acre's. There was a windmill, a barn, a plow, a grain silo, and a house. Though, it did appear slightly run down. Whilst she stayed outside, Earl went over to his minifridge and began extracting the meat he had cut up earlier. " Applejack... Was it?" He mumbled.

"... Yes?" She responded as thee earth pony slowly poked her head out from behind one of the barn doors. " Do ya like venison?" Earl shouted. She raised an eyebrow. " Never heard of it. What is it?" Earl fumbled around in his fridge. " It's what I'm gonna be havin' for dinner. Want some?" She walked over to his fridge and peeked in, though she couldn't quite get a good view into it.

"What is that?" Earl reached back into his fridge and pulled out a fully intact- though mostly frozen deer head. It's beady eyes were still open, and rolled right over at Applejack. She gazed back at it with a mixture of horror and confusion. " What in Celestia's name have you done to that deer!?" She stumbled back.

"It's venison!" Earl responded cheerfully. "Well... Not this, this is just the head. Ya ain't supposed to eat the head. Good 6-pointer buck. It's venison! Deer meat! I shot 'em myself!" He held up his finger, and spit into the hay behind him. " It's what we're havin' for dinner. If you want any that is. Or... Ya know, figuring that you're a horse-pony thing and all. I'm sure I could getcha some hay and apples. I've got some tree's out back that haven't been picked yet." Applejack laughed nervously.

"Heh, well... I'm skeptical, but I'll give it a go. You seem trustworthy." Earl clapped his hands and spun around. " 'Righty! Now, mind your time, I'mma need to get this thing ready. Don't go breakin' 'nothin." She tipped her hat in response, it was at this moment that she heard noises from the stable behind her. But she figured that it was nothing important, she walked outside and began to paced back and forth alongside a small strip of grass that lined the dirt courtyard.

"What have I gotten myself into?" She asked herself. This, 'Earl Dribbles Jr. was clearly a trustworthy-albeit eccentric human. Though she doubted that he'd have any information about her friends. Much less so how she got to Earth.

"Yee Yee!" The sudden cry startled her, Earl through the barn door's aside with a portion venison at the end of a long pike. Which he placed atop his campfire. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of pepper and salt shakers. Alongside a set of silverware... If you could consider it fair to call a pair Bowie knives that. He handed one to Applejack. " Keep it, I got a ton. Plus, ain't every day you meet a talkin' colorful pony." She chuckled at his remark. But decided to go on and ask him about the other humans.

"Hey, Earl?" She looked over at him to find that he had already begun to dig into his food, tearing bit's from it without a care in the world. "Earl!" He looked up." Yeah?"

" Do you know by any chance know a human by the name of Scott?" Earl's attention had already turned to a can of beer. He raised his eyes above the brim. "Which one? 'Cause I know quite a few Scott's. Mind specifying? " She scratched her chin.

"Green shirt, scar on his neck, kinda has a thing for watermelons?" Earl though about it for a few moments. " Ah, that Scott. Yeah! I know him. I know a few of his friends as well. Nice bunch." He took another bite out of his slice of venison, finishing off his half of the slab. "Ya still want some, or can I finish it?" She stared at it as though it was a ball of fire. "Er... Sure, I'll try some, but just a little for the time being." He shrugged and drew his Bowie knife again, the blade gleamed in the moonlight, he brought it down on the other half of the venison. Which eh had taken off the fire and set to rest on a crude clay platter. With near perfect muscle memory he brought the knife down on it and diced a small piece off. Applejack took it in between her front hooves. She bit into it. And grinned. " Hmm, it ain't as bad as I thought it would be."

Earl laughed. "See, I knew you'd like it." In reality, he hadn't known how she would have reacted. She looked like a pony, claimed to be one, but she could clearly eat meat. And that was a good thing, because he didn't want to spend his wonderful afternoon cleaning up magic horse vomit. He leaned off to the side. "Hmfh, apples?" She looked at her cutie mark, and back up at Earl. " Oh yeah, this ain't just for show. My special talent is apple pickin'. It's called a Cutie mark." The phrase made him cringe.

"Eh, odd. Well... how'd ya get it?" He had begun to whittle a little twig.

"It just appeared on me." She explained. Earl Dribbles Jr. raised his eyebrow. " I don't understand."

"It's magic. It permeates all of Equestria." This confused him even more. " Equestria, I'm sorry ma'am, you're gonna have to explain. I really don't understand a damn thing you're saying. Start from the beginning."

"Alight, long ago. There were 3 great pony tribes, the pegasi, the unicorns, and the earth ponies-" She noticed that Earl wasn't paying attention anymore. " What was that? You're gonna have to tell me 'morrow. 'Ol Earl's off to bed now." He got up from the hay bale he was sitting on and stretched his arms. "Agh!!! I been sittin' down to long." He crumbled the now empty beer can in his hand and stuffed it into one of his many, many overall pockets. See ya in the mornin' Applejack." He picked his shotgun up and began to walk towards his shack.

"Wait, where am I supposed to sleep?" Applejack called out.

" The barn's nice and warm! Or if ya want, you can grab a blanket and sleep out under the stars! Though I wouldn't recommend it, we've got feral hog's 'n other thing's out in them wood's that'll mess ya up if you're not prepared. Night." And just like that, Applejack was alone in the darkness. "Barn it is." She chuckled. This wasn't actually that bad. Though she still didn't know where her friends were, or if they were on their way here, or even if they knew she was gone at all. Applejack pushed all of those thought's off to the side, and collapsed on a bed of hay. She was asleep in an instant.

So y'all Landed in Texas?

Applejack opened her eyes and climbed to her hooves. Two things dawned on her as she put her hat back on. First of all, she just remembered where she was. So she wasn't surprised when she saw Earl Dribbles Jr. stumble out from behind his shack with a massive knife and a sharp stick. His shotgun was slung over his back. Second... It was... Well, dawn. The sun was slowly rising over the Northern Texas landscape. And birds where chirping in the trees more to that. The entire ground was covered in a morning dew which made the fields sparkle. She smiled and trotted over to Earl. He appeared to be chewing something. A few seconds later, he leaned over to the side and spit something into the grass. Her nose picked up the scent immediately. She took a step back and winced in mild disgust.

"Er... What is it?" She uttered a whinny of surprise. Earl looked at her for a moment. " It's dip!" She looked down at the ground, then back up at Earl. " What?" He facepalmed. Making sure to not skewer himself with the impov. spear in his hand. " Tabaco?" She shook her head.
" Smells nasty. How can ya stand it?"

"I dunno. I'm a country boy!" Applejack began to raise her hoof to protest, but Earl was already gone. "I hate it when he does that." The earth pony watched as Earl tore two apple's from a nearby tree and tossed one to her. " Mornin' snack!" She watched as Earl fadded further and further into the distance. He appeared to be headed for the woodline on the far side of the field. " Where are you going?" She shouted out.

" Follow me!" Earl responded. Applejack broke into a gallop after the human. Though she soon slowed down on account of the various. 'Cow pies' which littered the field. Eventually, she managed to catch up with the Hillbilly. He was waiting for her at the edge of the forest.

"Why did you just walk away like that?" She asked him sternly. " We're goin' down down to the creek."

"What creek? And why?" Earl laughed, and twirled the spear like a baton. " You'll see. C'mon!" He walked off again. Applejack laughed nervously. " Be careful not to poke yourself with that thing now."

"Hah! I've been doin' this since I was... Well... As long as I can remember!" Earl raised the spear over his head and jumped on into the creek.

"And what exactly is that?" Applejack asked him. Earl's eyes surveyed the murky water for a few moments. Then, in one fluid motion, he bought it down on something just below the surface.

"Huntin' 'dem frogs!" He raised his spear up in triumph, skewered on the end of it was, well... A frog. Applejack was horrified.

"Alright, now. Would ya like it cooked or just wanna start snackin' on it right now?" Her mouth was wide open. "-Huh, what? What are you talkin' about-I-I mean, ya can't possibly be thinkin' of eating that, right?" Earl laughed and took a bite off of one of the creatures legs, finishing it down with a swig of beer.

"Mmmm, ah! Tastes like chicken!" He laughed and held the frog up to the sky again, just before tearing into it. He paused to glance over at Applejack. "Oh, I'm sorry. I've got to be a gentleman. Would ya like some Applejack? Applejack? You don't look too good."

"Oh, no thanks Earl. I'm fine." Applejack collected herself. "Good, 'couse we're just gettin' started!" He wadded out of the steam and began heading upriver.

"What are you doing now?" Earl looked back at her and took another bite of his frog. " There was a storm last night, I gotta check my trees!" Earl resounded.

"What do ya mean? I slept out under the stars just fine!" Applejack asked him. He reached into one of his many overall pockets and pulled out a short spool of handmade rope. "Either way, I need to check 'em for damages. Catch up, tell me more about that 'Equestria thing you was talkin' about last night."

"Oh yes. Where'd ya like me to start?" Earl scratched his chin. "Ya got any friends?" Applejack smiled, " Why yes I do! 5 of them. Not countin' me of course, there's Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pipe, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Twilight." Earl nodded. " I don't real have friends so much as acquaintances, well... I suppose there's Billy, wonder what he's doin' right 'bout now?"

Meanwhile, on the next farm over...

The sun was shining, and the cows were grazing. A few of them where even sleeping while standing up. All of a sudden, a figure emerged from the grass and tapped on one of their head's with a talon. " Hello there!" The bull opened his eyes and stared at the Draconequus in front of him for a few moment, then fell over. " Hah!!!" Discord fought back a laugh. But froze when he heard someone else laugh behind him.

"Hey! What are ya doin' to my cows ya fiend!?" Discord turned around, and came face to face with Billy. A stout man with teeth and a hairline that had seen better days. He was wearing a set of wrangler jeans, a flannel shirt, boots, and belt with an enormous buckle. " Ya better git!" Discord laughed. " Why should I? You can't do this with the cow's in Equestria!"

" 'Dat's it! You better leave, else I'mma gettin' mu rifle!" Billy yelled, he reached into one of pockets and fished out a jar of moonshine as well as a lighter. "C'mon now, you wouldn't want me to start a prairie fire now would ya!?" The American said with a crazed look on his face.

"Oh well... But you haven't seen the last of me!" The strange creature disappeared in a flash of light before his eyes. The cow's around him mooed in surprise. Billy took a look down at the moonshine in his hand, and stuffed the jar back into his pocket. " I think I'll take a break from it for a while. " Billy began his journey back to his outdoor couch. Where he planned to spend the rest of his day doing... Well, nothing. All of the animals were taken care of, and he hadn't heard anything from Earl. But as he went to sit down, he began to hear voices coming from behind his barn.

" Dawgone it! Who's back there? I'm armed!" He held up his fist and looked around. He finally caught sight of something behind an oak tree. It didn't appear human. It actually looked a bit like a horse.

"Hey, Twilight, I think he saw us!" Billy heard someone whispering behind the tree. As he approached, the voices grew louder.

"Yep, he definitely saw us!" A second voice whispered. Billy sneaked up to the tree and waited for a moment, then he poked his head out from behind it. "Boo!!! Gotcha-" He stumbled back for a moment as a frying pan hit him right in the face.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir!" Twilight sparkle trotted out from her hiding spot. " This is all hugemisunderstanding." Billy rubbed the bump on his head, then looked at the frying pan which had stuck him. It was held by a little pink horse that was waving at him. He looked around , and found himself surrounded by more colorful horses. "Oh- SHIT!!!!" He jumped up and took off in the direction of Earl's farm.

The six mare's gathered around the spot where the hillbilly had been just a few moments prior. "What was that about?" Rainbow Dash asked Twilight. She shook her head. " I think Pinkie scared him off. Fluttershy was still shuttering in the corner. " But- How do you know if he's not dangerous?"

"If he really wanted to hurt us he wouldn't have reacted like that." Rainbow crossed her hooves. " Maybe he'd still be here if you hadn't hit him in the head with that pan!"

Pinkie looked up at Rainbow, who was hovering a few feet off the ground. " Well, he looked fine afterwards!" She replied. "How did we get here?" Twilight looked around at her surroundings. " I don't know. One moment we we're in Canterlot wondering where Applejack went and the next we're hiding from what looks like a male human version of Derpy. Freak interdimensional rift maybe? Whatever the case, we're on Earth now. The home planet of Scott and Donut and Brandon and all those other humans that helped us out. "

"Oh, oh!" Pinkie raised her hoof. " Yes Pinkie?" Twilight replied. "I think we should go find that human that ran away and tell him we're sorry!" She clapped her hooves in praise of herself. Twilight and the others though about it for a few seconds. Then all collectively agreed. "Good idea Pinkie. "

Organized Chaos

Earl and Applejack came to a grove of trees on the far end of Earl's property line. About a half of a mile from his nice shack. He paused at the edge of a patch of trees and looked around, picking out one of the younger ones. As Applejack drew closer to the cherry tree, she noticed that one of it's branches had been torn off. Earl murmured something incoherent under his breath about feral pigs.

"Alright, you can pause your explaining, itsa tree fixin' time!" He clapped his hands and pulled a cord of rope out of one of his pockets and began to reattach the torn branch to the tree. Applejack watched in confusion. She hadn't even had a chance to begin talking, but as the earth pony watched Earl Dribbles Jr. slowly reattach the branch, an idea struck her.

"Earl, take a step back. I've got this." Earl paused, and then stepped back away from the tree. "Alright, what do you wanna try?" She smiled. " Yeah, trust me. I've had plenty of experience with stuff like this." Applejack trotted up to the lemon tree and put her right hoof on it and closed her eyes. Earl tapped his foot and casually watched as a greenish glow enveloped the tree, and it began to slowly meld itself back together.

" Well lock me in a suit and tie and call me Ronald Regan! Ya actually did it!" Earl exclaimed. Applejack took her hoof of the tree and gazed up at her work. "Why yes I did!" The both of them froze when Applejack began to hear a strange rumbling from the lemon tree. Just a few seconds later, they found out why. It had, for some unexplainable reason, had begun to sprout apples. Applejack sheepishly tapped the ground with her hoof.

"Oppsie. Now listen Earl, I was just tryin' to help-" Earl Dribbles Jr. had stopped paying attention already, he circled the tree a few times, examining it. Before returning to face Applejack.

"Why do ya sound like you're aplogizin'? Dis is so freakin' cool!" He took a bite of both a lemon and an apple at the same time, he dropped the lemon, but continued eating the apple. He washed both of the fruits down with yet more alcohol. He looked back at Applejack, then shook the tree branch which had been reattached.

"Wow Ma'am, was this what you's was gonna tell me about?" Applejack smirked. " Well... Ya see, where I come frome, there are 3 types of ponies. Pegasi, who can fly and control the weather. Earth ponies, like me, which are really strong and can influence plants. And unicorns, who can use magic to do stuff like... Making things float. I like in a country called Equestria, which is ruled by 2 princesses, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Princess Luna is a newcomer to Equestria. She's very nice though. My friends and I make up the Elements of Harmony. Meaning we control the magic of friendship!"

Earl raised an eyebrow and readjusted his hat.

"Well, that's a lot to take in. Shoot!" He swore " I'm sorry, I ain't exactly the smartest. But good for you." He began to walk away. Applejack facehoofed.

"Earl, could ya perhaps tell me where it is you're going off to do before you just walk away?" He paused. " Of course! I reckon I oughta apologize. I ain't exactly used to being around other people. Or... Talking ponies." She laughed. " Eh, that make's sense. So, what are we gonna do now?"

"Follow me Applejack, this is one of my favorite pastimes!" He reached back into his pockets to ensure he had what he needed. Then waved her along.

Earl and Applejack weren't walking for long. When they finally stopped, Earl took a look around, and finally spotted what he was after, a fire ant mound. He spit out another bit of Tabaco. "There, it's them fire ants. Ya ever dealt with 'em before?"

She shook her head. " I'd guess by the name that they aren't the nicest?" Earl looked back at her with his hands on his hips, he pointed back over at the mound. " Damn right they are. These SOB's are nasty. They'll get everywhere. Good thing I've got this!" He rushed over to the little ant mount, and lit one of several firecracker strings he had in a pocket. He stuffed it down into the mound and ran back to Applejack. The two watched as the little explosive blew the mound apart. Leaving a little smoking crater where the fire ant colony had once been.

As confused as Applejack was, the first thing that came to her mind wasn't; " Why'd ya kill all those little bugs if they didn't do nothin' to ya?" It was, " You've sure got a lot of strange stuff in those pockets of yours." Earl grinned back. " Yeah, I do. I don't actually know how it all shows up-" Earl stopped suddenly and looked around. " Get up on that tree. Now!"

Without another word, he scooped Applejack up with his one free arm and dead sprinted to the nearest chestnut tree. Setting her down on a branch about 7 feet up. Applejack soon found out why when a group of wild hogs came storming through the clearing. Earl cursed them as they ran though. He took aim at one and brought it down with a round of 12 gauge buckshot to the head. Applejack looked over at Earl with a mixture of confusion and horror. It was the same one that she had worn on her face for the past hour.

"What have ya-"

"Ma'am, I know how that might have looked. But trust me, that boar would've had no second thought's 'bout runnin' you and me through. Plus, they're a pest here! They tear up field's, terrorize livestock, and attack folks! I reckon it's my duty as a 'Murican and as a Texan to deal with 'em! " Applejack was still a bit lost. Things like this were near unheard of in Equestria. Sure the humans had mentioned stuff like this back when they had arrived in Equestria. But she never thought that it was this big of a problem.

"Yeah, we've also got mountain lions, coyotes, and rattlesnakes. But it doesn't matter. This is our land, we may've not been the first ones here, but it's ours now." Applejack couldn't help but laugh. " Ya sound like my cousin, Braeburn-"

" Earl! Earl!?" He jumped from his perch in the tree and slung his shotgun back over his shoulder. A man came stumbling out of the woods.

"Now hol' on there Billy, what was it? What happened?" Applejack looked at the new human, though at first, he didn't seem to notice her. " Oh Earl. Lemme tell ya, it was weird man. There was this funny lookin' monster thing messin' around with my cows, and there were also these mini rainbow colored horses." He glanced down at his boots, just enough to catch a glimpse of Applejack.

"Gah!!! It's one of them. Earl I swear, is it just the moonshine? Or do you see it as well?" He paranoidly look around.

"Yeah, yeah I did. Don't worry, she doesn't mean no harm. " Earl reassured him. Billy scratched his head. "Dawgone it! I lost track of what's happening!"

800 Acres and A Farmhouse

"Why Billy. You don't need to worry, she doesn't mean ya any harm." Earl reassured the agitated redneck. Billy reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a knife. He began to pick walnuts out of his teeth. But then glanced over at the pig which Earl had shot dead. " Ya in the mood for some bacon?"

"Eh, I just ate. Sling 'em, we'll save it for latter. " Billy scanned the ground, examining the tracks left by the herd of pigs. " Wanna go after them Earl? I reckon I'd be good for us to stockpile. " Earl thought about it very hard and waved it off.

"Aw naw, ya know, meat goes bad after a while, even if I were to keep it in my fridge. Plus, there's not enough space in there. Shoot!" He cursed. Shoving his hands into his pockets. Billy looked back over at Applejack. "Well, who are ya?"

All this time, Applejack was watching the conversation play out. They appeared to have completely forgotten that she was there. So she tried to force her way back into the conversation."My name's Applejack. I'm an earth pony. Pleased to meet ya sir." She stuck out her hoof, and Billy shook it. " Ya sure don't look like any pony on earth I've ever seen 'fore. Name's Billy, ma'am." He stifled his nose and went for the dead pig.

"I'll be darned if I'll ever be forced to waste a good kill!"

Meanwhile, over on the edge of Earl and Billy's property line...

"Oh darling, I cannot tell you how much I despise this place already!" Rarity cried out. The six had decided to head off in the same direction as Billy, but, thanks to Twilight's "guidance." As well as a healthy dose of complaining from Rarity. But that was to be expected. However, nobody had bothered to tell them about the Texan wildlife. Mainly, the insects. Sure, in Equestria, you had stuff like Bug Bears, Hydras, Manticores, Parasprites what have you.

None of those compared to horseflies, southern mosquitos, leaches, diamondback rattlesnakes, mountain lions, coyotes, feral hogs, cockroaches, hippies... The list goes on, and on, and on. And up until now, they had only heard of the wild pigs. And, something called the 'Chupacabra.' Which Brandon Herrera routinely joked about. Despite reassurances from the other humans that no such creature existed. Fluttershy was practically worried about it. Though Twilight had reassured her that there was nothing to be worried about.

"Gah!" Rarity screamed as a horse fly landed right on her eye lip. She bounded away from it and hid behind Twilight. Rainbow laughed at this, and kept on flying. Until she felt something bite her on the ear. It was the same fly as before, and it had brought some friends. She annoyingly swatted them away. Until finally, they seemed to get the message and leave. Rainbow thought she was safe, until the horse flies returned with even more companions. "Gah! You know what? I hate to say it, but Rarity's right!" She crossed her hooves.

"It's not so bad!" Pinkie exclaimed, " I found a friend!" She fumbled under a rock for a few moments, and emerged with a rather displeased rattlesnake in her hooves. It angrily looked around, hissing furiously and rattling it's tail. Warning that there would be dire consequences if the treatment continued. Fluttershy was mildly concerned about this.

"Uh... Pinkie? I don't think he wants to play with you."

"Of course he does! I mean, sure, he's a little grumpy now... But he'll warm up to me, I know he will- OWWIEE!" She squealed in pain as the rattlesnake sunk it's fangs into her left foreleg. The suddenness of it all caused her to drop the reptile, allowing it to escape into the bushes, where a certain draconequus was silently laughing himself senseless.

Pinkie meanwhile, was surprisingly unaffected by the rattler's venom, and continued prancing on though the forest as though she hadn't just been bitten by one of the most poisonous snakes in North America. Though, at the time, there was not possible way she could have known this. Twilight was the slightest bit concerned about it. But Pinkie didn't seem to mind.

After another 15 minutes of wandering eastward in the same direction. They came to a barbed wire fence, the edge of Earl's property line. It seemed as though part of it had been smashed though. The ground was covered in cloven hoof marks which Twilight identified as those of a pig. Or rather, a herd of pigs. Which was rather strange to them. Because they had never even thought of the concept of pigs and other 'farm' animals existing in the wild.

"Alright, I'm gonna fly up and do a quick survey, just to make sure we're not lost." Rainbow flew up over the treeline and looked around. To the south, she could see that the woodland devolved into a desert plain potmarked by cactus' and sagebrush. To the north it dissolved into lush grassland, with a gravel road winding through it. And to the northeast, about a quarter mile past the barbed wire fence, was a somewhat run down shack and a red and white barn. But no Applejack. Just a small herd of deer to the south, and scattered flocks of birds. She flew back down to ground level and delivered the news to her friends.

"Perhaps those deer have an answer?" Fluttershy suggested. Back in Equestria, deer possessed the ability to speak, just like many of the other species in Equestria. Those, they usually preferred to stay away from other creatures. Despite being quite hospitable and welcoming to any outsiders, they preferred a more or less isolationist policy. Whether this was born out of a biological inferiority complex was up for debate. But regardless, Twilight and her friends needed answers, and they didn't see any other way to get them. So, they headed south. In the same direction as the rednecks and Applejack.

Earl and Billy had been quick to recover the carcass of the feral pig, and were in the process of bringing it back to Earl's barn. Billy was busy telling a story about his herd of cows.

"Dawgone it Earl! I'm tellin' ya, there was somethin' messin' with my cows. And it wasn't none of them ol' collage kids either! And I'm pretty darn sure it wasn't none of 'em flyin' saucers either." Earl nodded in agreement.

"I think you're right Billy. I mean, as far as I know. Them alien folk only show up when you're growin' corn. Applejack. Have you ever seen a crop circle before?" The mare looked up at Earl with blank confusion. Trying to figure out what Earl meant by that. " No, I don't believe I have. You'd have to specify. "

"The giant circles of flattened crops out in corn fields that just show up from time to time for no explainable reason? You don't have those where you come from?" Applejack shook her head. " No, not to my knowledge at least. Unless you count-"

"Hi there, was someone thinking of me!?" Pinkie Pie's voice called out through the brush. Billy's eyes widened with terror as 5 colorful equines emerged from the woods.

"Hey, Earl. It's them! It's them rainbow horses I told you about!" Earl dropped his half of the pig and unslung his shotgun.
" Yawl better git! You mess with one redneck, ya mess with us all!" He raised the shotgun and fired over their heads. Causing the ponies to drop to the ground. They all knew better after witnessing what the other human's guns could do to an unexpecting target. And she liked her friends much better when they were in one piece.

" Hold on there Earl, these ponies are my friends. Remember, the Element's of Harmony I told ya about?" Earl scratched his chin for a few moments, then gave a toothy grin. " Yeah, I remember ya told me about it last night. Sorry for scarin' yawl!" He lowered his shotgun and waved to the 5 ponies. Billy crept forward and looked around at them.

"Don't worry!" Twilight shouted back, " It happens all the time!" Rainbow Dash huffed. It did not actually happen all the time. But she felt that it would be be better if they went along with them. Earl and Billy watched as Applejack and her friends all shared one big embrace, then turned to face the 2 hillbillies.

"Earl, Billy, allow me to formally introduce my best friends; Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash." The pegasus laughed. " Not last, and certainty never least!" Rainbow crossed her hooves. Billy meanwhile, was watching the clouds. "Hey Earl, I wonder where those pellets went." He grinned, and spit out the last of the tabaco which he had been chewing. " Maybe we'll look for it later. Right now, I reckon we oughta introduce ourselves."

About a quarter mile away, Discord was sitting in a tree watching this all play out, when he suddenly felt something sharp and hot brush by his right ear. "Huh, I wonder what that could of been!" He sarcastically exclaimed. He pulled a little pink band-aid out of the air and afixed it to the tip of his ear. "Better! Now, to deal with Twilight Sparkle and her friends!" He flew from his perch on the tree to one closer to Earl and Billy. As soon as they were done introducing themselves to the 5 other ponies, he teleported right into the center of all of it. And proceeded to 'introduce' himself. Which involved him levitating all six ponies into the air and chackling as maniacally as he could.

"Hey! I have a question for all of you. I had this really good plan all though out where I'd trap the six of you in a hedge maze and turn you against each other. It was actually pretty cool. But, then those humans showed up in Equestria, stopped Nightmare Moon, yada yada yada... "

"So, I thought to myself. 'Discord, wouldn't it be cool if I defeated the Element's of Harmony in a different universe? And my other side replied with; Holy hay, that's a great idea-" Billy grunted and threw his hat to the ground. " I knew I recognized ya from somewhere! You're that twit that was foolin' around with my cattle!" He reached into one of his pockets and, with nothing else around. resorted to throwing a jar of moonshine at the draconequus. Which shattered on impact. But left him with only a few minor cuts. He smirked again, but this time, was met with a buckling pain in his back. Earl had hit him with the stock of his shotgun. He swung again, and again, and again. Until the creature was writhing around on the ground in pain. Rarity fainted right then and there. And Fluttershy stiffled back a few tears. Rainbow meanwhile, just sat in the corner with a grin of her own plastered across her face.

"Now, do you have something to say to muh friend?" Earl pointed over at Billy. Discord shrugged. " About what- OWW! Will you please stop doing that!" He wailed again as Earl smacked him over the muzzle with his gun one more time." You ought to know what I mean. Billy's cows!?"

"Alright! Alright! I'm sorry!" He dropped Applejack and the others. Earl furrowed his brow. "Good by me, now. Applejack, what do we do with him?"

"I do believe that is our responsibility now, Earl Dribble's Junior." Billy and Earl looked at each other in confusion. " Who said that?" In the evening sunlight, the figure of a pair of MRAPS (Mine Resistant, Ambush Protected) troop transports rolled over the hill. Both were emblazoned with the emblem of the Texas branch of the National Guard. The first transport stopped at about 20 feet out, 4 men clad head to toe in body armor and sporting long guns threw a bag over Discords head and dragged him inside. Scott emerged from the second vehicle alongside Celestia and Luna.

"Oh man, I've really gotta lay off the moonshine." Billy murmured. Scratching his head.

Earl stared at the two alicorns."How do ya know my name? Are you one of them psychic folks?" Celestia laughed. " Your friend Scott gave us your name and the location of your farm. My name is Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria. And this is my sister, Princess Luna. " The lunar alicorn waved sleepily. The 2 rednecks scratched their chins and shrugged in unison. " I've never heard of that place." Applejack facehoofed behind them. Twilight, meanwhile, was overjoyed to see her mentor again." One of the National Guard operatives made a circle with his finger in the air, signaling that it was time for them to leave.

"Oh well, thank you for helping us with our chaos lord problem, the fact that you managed to incapacitate him without the Elements of Harmony is nothing short of a miracle. Is there anything I could do to repay you?" Earl thought to himself for a few seconds. " Well, y'all could stay for dinner. " Celestia thought about it. "... Ok, is there anything else?" Earl shook his head. "Naw, I'm good as is. Billy?"

" I can't think of anything at the moment Earl. Maybe later." Scott smiled. " I can think of a few things."

"More guns?" One of the Texan guardsmen asked him uncannily.

" Well... yes. What else?"