"Cannon, Stupid Fuckin Autocorrect"
Author's Note
Very Loosely inspired by some cool fic for Anon and Scoots.
No Dodo No More
Thank Dunno by the way,
This is gonna be fun.
Where did pinkies cannon come from?
Sincerely,
-Ya Boi Satan
P.S. All events in this story are canon to my envisioning of anon, please do not feel compelled to agree with my standpoint, all hereby who wish to continue suffer the consequences of my own stupidity,
"Cannon, Stupid Fuckin Autocorrect"
It was a beautiful day outside, birds were singing, and flowers were blooming.
Ya know someone would usually say the, 'On days like these, Kids like you', part. But I usually just say,
"Hey!, What The Fuck Are You Doing, Get The Fuck Off My Lawn!"
*Huff*
"Goddamn Kids, If I wanted kids in my yard I would've had em' 10 fuckin years ago ,ya know,before I fell in this shithole."
"Pause, . . ."
Audience,
"Yeah, that's right I can break the fourth wall, little trick I learned from the Pink One."
"Anyways, introductions outta the way. The names Anon, you already knew that. So, as I was saying my life is pretty much perfect, You could say I complained my way to the top but that would be an understatement, I've gotten more than Pissy with the locals. I've fought Literal God's and lived to tell the tale, I laugh in the face of Chaos cuz I'm a delightful bastard. And I did not F-*BEEP* the Princess of Friendship, we only cuddled one time."
Anon gives a nonplussed look at the cameraman right out of your view,
"Is that all of it? That's it?, okay, getting back on track, kids in my lawn, Fuck did they come from."
He absentmindedly puts away a script.
"Fuck if I know, but I sure as hell am gonna find out."
Getting up from the lawn chair now, oh shit he's gettin' serious.
I begin my trek by crossing the street of whatever the fuck avenue, passing by the ditz, drunk, and snob that happen to be passing by this afternoon. All three having very different reactions, and that's including some very different opinions.
Derpy greets me with a big smile n' wave and the Most genuine P.M.A. since however long it's been since I've last seen her, probably a long time.
Berry Ass gives me a look somewhat between longing and confusion, like I haven't come out of the house in a year or something.
And the Rich bitch looks at me like I've lost my mind coming out of my front yard like I did, which quite frankly, I was.
I Smile, Wave back, and continue my journey of discovering who conceived the fetuses that were last seen kicking up my goddamn grass. When all of a sudden a giant cupcake comes into view,
"Well, at least we know where we're headed."
"To The Once And Future Ponk!"
Entering the diabetes factory in question brings us to the scene,
It's a 'Since Your Too Lazy To Come Out Of Your House, I Sent Kids To Your House To Encourage You To Come Party Party.'
It literally says it right there in the middle of the room, at least I got my answer to that question.
Now the real question is,
"Hey!, Pink Masta Flex!, What the fuck!"
She spots Anon from within the middle of the crowd and bounces over,
"Heya Nonny!, I'm Sooo glad you could make it to the party today!"
I cross my arms very properly and *groan* loudly enough for her to hear over the music,
"WHY!"
She looks at me funny, I don't like it,
"Silly Nonny!, You've been cooped up in that old house of yours for, gimme a sec to think, A Whole Year!"
"That's Waayyy too long."
I feel guilty, but that's not my issue right now,
"Yeah!, That's The Point!, I've literally got everything I could ever need, Man's Gotta Game!"
"How'd you know I'd show up anyway?"
She gives me that look,
"Oh Anon, because you miss us, what you really need is to get out and see your friends."
You know that look, when your big sister knows what's best for you.
Fuck what's best for me,
"My friends can EAT shit."
She gasps,
Surprisingly
"Anon!, Such Language!, There're Foals In Here!"
"I don't give a hell about your Language!"
She starts pouting,
"Anon, you know what this means right."
She looks like she's about to be on the verge of tears.
I look at her unamused,
"No, what does this mean?"
"It Was Rhetor-"
"I DON'T GIVA FUCK DUDE." She tried it,
I start walking away only for a hoof to grab my shoulder.
"That Was The Last Straw Anon!"
"Now we have to put you in timeout for being naughty."
And she's dragging me towards the corner.
"You can't put me in timeout, imma Grown Ass Man."
"And it's my party, so that too."
Exactly, beat that you Pink Fuck.
"Oh Nuh Uh!, none of that is gonna fly with me mister, I can read those captions too."
She literally picks me up, I don't fucking understand what's going on.
"I can't believe it, I'm being manhandled by a pony."
I am now the official owner of the corner.
"I'm fine with this."
Pinkie gives a sultry grin,
"I knew you would appreciate being dominated by a Mare."
"Goddammit!"
And she had to make it weird again,
"I'm leaving."
"Oh no you're not."
She Pulls The Party Cannon out of fucking nowhere.
"Oh Shit!, Oh Fuck!, Don't fucking shoot me with that!"
I start backing away towards the door, but she grabs me. I try pulling away, but she's strong as fuck.
"Oh Silly Nonny, I'm gonna shoot that with you."
She points gesturing towards a giant open hole in the ceiling.
"When did you get a hole ripped out of your ceiling and- wait you're gonna shoot tha-"
Before I even finish my sentence she stuffs me into the fucking Cannon.
"Get ready for take off in T-Minus 5...4...3...2...1...ze-"
"STOOOOOOOP!"
I manage to interrupt her in time,
"Wait!, Please, before you blast me off again, I need to ask one question?"
She stops and leans her head in, even perking her ear up to better listen.
"Where the fuck did you get a Cannon from?, wheres the gunpowder coming from?, I've never seen any guns in Dickquestria so how have you obtained a clearly more modern weapon?"
She looks around nervously and a bead of sweat drips down her big forehead.
"Whaaaaat, *ppppfffftt*, nooooo, I mean uuuuhhhh, you'll find out where I blast you off to nonny, its gonna be a super duper fun epic adventure, and you'll find out the answer at the end."
She salutes,
"Anyway, So Long Gay Bowser!, Off You Go To BrrrraZeel!"
"You Pink Cunt, I said that first, you can't say it again, I had it copyrighted!"
I cross my arms again and pout,
"It's not fair, you guys can just do whatever you want because Bitchlestia likes you."
She simply pats me on the head,
"Nonny, I said it again because it was just too good not too. like couscous, the food so nice they named it twice."
"And Actually Nonny Its because we've saved Equestria's ass an awful lot."
She starts reaching for the string,
"Also get ready to fly towards the sky's, I kinda overdid it with the black powder on this one."
Well Shit, that's never a good sign,
"Pinkie, Tell me, Where are you sending me?"
ThePinkDevil gives me the most Mischievous Grin I've ever seen,
"You'll Find Out Next Time On Anons Cannon Incident!"
"BLAST OFF!!!"
*KABOOM*
"You can't just reference the title like thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat."